Miracles

We weathered a potentially disastrous storm today even before it actually landed. The Finance Manager, after countless plea, diplomatic explanation and prayers decided to come to the office and continue the work she left yesterday. I was actually uninterested to report today after what happened yesterday, but with my mom's enlightening explanation, I gathered whatever guts I left and made an appearance to the Financial Department, assuring everyone that everything will be ok.

The office was full of tension when I arrived. The accounting department was frantic about what to do and how to manage and damage control everything. The editorial department was extremely weary, they were expecting that they would feel my outrage sooner in the afternoon.

I was there for one reason - some elements from the rival department were encouraging the vile ex-accounting officer to make her presence felt and eventually claim the position she was aspiring for from the very start. I saw her this afternoon, deep inside I was furious but at the same time, feel pity to the lady.

"Sa panaginip ka lang makakaupo jan" I told to myself as I looked upon the Finance Manager's empty chair, while hoping and praying that she would eventually report to the office late in the afternoon.

Last night, while phanks and I were in the motmot, as I shivered and groveled from the pain, sickness and depression I was experiencing, I made a promise to God that if ever we would survive this crisis victoriously, I would forgive everyone who caused this conflict. In times of hopelessness, I've learned to ask for Divine Assistance, and last night it was the last card I had in my deck.

At 1:30, I decided to talk to my dad and forgive everything he have done last night. Of course, I never told that directly, but the mere fact I showed him cordiality as he explained his side means that we're already ok. I told him that next time, let me handle the petty squabbling that frequently happens between the two departments.

An hour later, the Finance Manager arrived.

Out of happiness and relief, I was close to hugging her. But I was also aware that such thing would cast a bad light on me. Besides, I've never known a boss who showed such glimpses of humanity. I gave her a tight handshake and a smile to show her my endless gratitude. Eventually, she managed to resolve every problem we were facing that morning. Late in the afternoon, the production manager, which is my dad's sister called to show her support and gratitude to her return.

Before I left the office, the Managing Editor asked me to have a heart to heart talk with her. She wanted to explain her side and those who were involved in this conflict. Of course, she was maligning every account we've heard since last night but since I had a promise to forgive everyone and take this crisis as a lesson instead of hatred, I simply explained my point and told her clearly that their mistake was, instead of directing the problem to me, they directed such minor problem to the President himself. Being gullible to flare-ups and sporadic reactions, the 100-peso blew out of epic proportions.

I left the office relieved and very happy. Somehow, out of humility and prayers, the request of tens of people were answered. For now, an uneasy peace will rule the company but I think it's better that way than to face a disaster head on, broken and divided.

---

Last night, while I was suffering from a very high fever. Phanks hugged me very tightly the whole time we were sleeping together. He was so worried and at the same time so caring while I was trying to let him feel that I'm still ok. Once again, I've proven that our relationship doesn't revolved on dates, gimmicks, and sex alone. In times of great distress such as yesterday, he was there all the time to accompany and make me feel a little better.

---

Koppy arrived this evening surprising James at Quattro. We were all shocked and at the same time happy for hsi unexpected return. Looking at James' eyes, you will see how blissful he is. I've never seen him this happy the whole time I knew him. Closing my eyes, I imagine them naked and peacefully sleeping this morning. Probably James is the one embracing Koppy. How I wished such moments would be captured for them to see. After all, happy stories such as these only comes rarely.

---

Marvin was somewhat depressed when I saw him at Bed this morning. I don't know if it was just a preconceived judgement after seeing Toinks consoling him the whole time. I saw everything, and I saw what happened... The important thing is that at least, Marvin found solace from Pao, in this time of need.

Pasensya na kapatid, alam kong malungkot ka at gusto kitang saluhin... pero alam kong may higit sa akin na nakakaintindi sa sitwasyon na hinaharap mo ngayon. Malaking pasalamat ko na nandun siya kanina.

---

And lastly, I saw Topz' bud in Malate this morning. He's far more whammy in person than in his picture, besides Topz is right. He's definitely and SMK and his attitude when he met Topz reflects my initial impressions on him.

After several weeks, I've finally established a conversation with Fyro. It's like talking to a long lost friend once again.

And I'm very happy that such opportunity was given to me tonight.

---

I consider everything that happened to me today as miracles - not as those we read in dogmatic scriptures or see in television, but miracles that goes beyond the literal definition of it.

I'm weak when in comes to my religious affliation but I do believe that there's a higher power that guides everything that happens to us in one day. Such manifestations like what I've shared in my entry only reinforces my keys in attaining happiness.

By showing humility, we are exalted. By expressing good intentions while we ask for favors, many times our request is granted. By appreciating very very little things, somehow we feel very big. It not works all the time, but with hope and a little optimism... sooner or later, a moment's happiness would come down to us.

No wonder, I am a believer.


===

PLU Tips #1. Saliva, can be a very effective lubricant.

Oh Happy Day Part 2

"Ayokong umuwi ng bahay, gusto kong magpalipas ng gabi sa labas." sabi ko.

"Bakit ayaw mo sa bahay, diba dapat sa bahay ikaw nakakapagplano ng mga desisyon na gagawin mo sa buhay." sabi ng production manager.

Simula't sapul, ganito na ako humaharap sa problema. Kapag mabigat ang loob ko, mas nakakahanap ako ng solace sa kalsada, sa piling ng mga patay na bangketa at madidilim na kalsada. Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas at home ako sa mga ganitong lugar kapag may problema. Sa halip na matakot sa mga peligro na pwedeng lumapit sakin, mas malakas ang loob ko humarap sa mga bagay na darating sakin.

Siguro dahil alam ko na kapag pumasok na ako sa loob ng kwarto ko. Kapag humiga ako sa kama ko at nagsimulang mag-muni muni, alam ko na bigla akong bubulabugin ng mga problema ko, sa pagtulog at sa panaginip, dala dala ko ang mga mabibigat ng bagay sa utak ko. Yakapin man ako o yumakap kaninuman, andun pa rin ang takot, ang pangamba, ang multo na haharapin ko sa oras ng problema.

Masyadong nakakabingi ang katahimikan. Hindi mo maalis ang focus mo sa problema. Hindi ko alam, paano nakakasurvive ang iba kapag ganitong bagay. Ang alam ko, champion ako pagdating sa takbuhan kapag problema ang pag-uusapan. Madali akong mag-backout kapag alam kong hindi ko na kaya i-handle ang mga problemang... hindi ko naman ginawa.

Ngayong madaling araw, gusto kong umiyak at isumpa ang mga taong gumulo sa katahimikan ng opisina. Gusto kong murahin sila at iparamdaam ang poot na naghahari sa puso ko ngayon. Sabi ko nga, maghimala lang ang Diyos mamaya, iwawaksi ko lahat ng ito... pero pakiramdam ko, masyadong grim ang haharapin ko pagpasok ko sa opisina.

Sa mga ganitong sitwasyon, laging pakiramdam ko na ako'y nag-iisa. Para bang pasan ko ang mundo samantalang ang totoong boss eh parang happy-go-lucky lang. Masyado siyang nasanay umasa sa iba, samantalang ako, nakakabit sa buong mindset ko na ako lang at wala ng iba ang maaring umayos ng mga problemang pamilyar sakin... kung hindi, edi takbo... madali lang tumakbo at lumayo... tutal, hindi naman ako gagawa ng problema na hindi ko kaya i-handle.

Alas-3 na, at nakakabingi ang katahimikan sa loob ng kwarto ko. Gusto ko sanang magsulat hanggang sa matanggal ko ang mga tinik sa dibdib ko, pero kapag iisipin ko ang mga scenario mamaya... Parang ang 3 tinik na nawala sakin eh napapalitan ng 9. Ang hirap kapag family business ang kalakaran mo. At mas mahirap kung nakikita mo na mas magaling ang management style mo kesa sa tatay mo.

Sa totoo, ilang taon na rin ako sa kumpanya namin. Sa lahat ng mga panahong iyon, tingin ko, lahat ng bagay ay natutunan ko ng sariling sikap lang. Ang ad agency ang nagpakawala sakin sa anino ng ama ko. Ngayong malinaw na sakin ang identity ko kaiba sa kanya, mas lalo akong na-frufrustrate kapag narerealize ko na mas mature ako kesa sa tinuturing na ama ko.

Ang hirap. Hindi ako makapagsalita, hindi ako marunong magalit at maglabas ng sama ng loob sa taong kinaiinisan ko. Sa bawat sagi sakin ng alaala ng mga nangyari kaninang hapon, pakiramdam ko, lalo akong nalulubog sa burak.

Gusto ko mang kumawala, hindi ko alam kung saan at paano ako tatakbo.

Oh Happy Day.

The Finance Manager will submit her resignation papers today.

Putangina, nawala lang ako ng ilang oras, pagkabalik ko namura na ng tatay ko yung Manager namin. Para sa isang daan lang, sumabog itong gulong to na hindi ko alam kung paano haharapin. Problema kasi, utak talangka ang mga tao sa opisina namin, naghihilahan pababa - palakasan sa boss. Kasi hindi ako kumakagat sa mga sumbong nila kaya pinaabot nila sa mas mataas sakin.

Mga bandang hapon, umalis ako para samahan mag-photoshoot ang utol ko. Namomorblema sa opisina kung saan didiskarte ng 100 para dun sa isang free paper na ginagawa nila. Naisipan nilang humingi sa Accounting Office, pero dahil hapon na, said na ang petty cash ng bayan. So hayun, ang sumbungan ay nauwi sa murahan. Nagsumbong sila sa tatay ko dahil ayaw sila bigyan ng pera. Eto namang tatay ko biglang kumagat, hayun, pinagmumura at kinutya kutya yung babae naming finance manager. Sa sobrang sama ng loob nung manager namin, ni makausap hindi mo macontact. Ang tatay ko naman, matapos mahimasmasan eh saka pala narerealize ang pagkakamali niya.

Putangina. nakakaawa naman siya.

Masama ang loob, nakipagkita ako kay phanks para sa kanya ko ibuhos ang lahat ng hinanakit ko. Matapos akong magresign sa ad agency eh dito rin pala mauuwi ang lahat ng efforts ko. Ang mahirap sa lahat, masipag yung Finance Manager namin, siya yung nagbubudget ng pera para hindi magreklamo ang mga tao na walang sweldo, siya rin ang malakas ang loob magloan kung kani-kanino kapag nagkukulang ang pagdedeposit sa bangko. Sa totoo, hindi ko alam kung makakakita pa kami ng Finance Manager na ganun ang calibre. At ang gusto pa nilang ipalit eh yung bitch na accounting officer na tinanggal ko dalawang buwan na ang nakakaraan.

Masama ang loob ko, masamang masama. Gusto ko sumpain ang tatay ko, sabihin sa kanya ng harapan na "Putanginamo, hindi pa ako sumusweldo ng maayos sa kumpanya mo, puro sakit pa ng ulo ang binibigay mo sakin. Tangina, may experience na ako magtrabaho sa labas, hindi ko na kailangan magpakabusabos sa kumpanya kung wala rin naman akong maasahan sa huli."

Fuck, I'm so depressed.

Sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, nilagnat ako habang kasama ko si phanks sa motmot. Sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko, ni hindi man lang ako nakapag-ejaculate sa popoy namin. Sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, gusto kong prangkahin lahat ng tao sa opisina... magpakabitch para naman makita nila kung gaano ako ka-terror kapag badtrip na ako.

Hindi ko alam kung paano magsisimula ang araw ko mamaya. Ewan ko kung tumalab ba ang pagsusumamo ko sa Finance Manager namin para mag-reconsider. Hindi ko alam kung paano tatakbo ang kumpanya ng walang finance manager... Hindi ko alam kung ano ang repercussions nitong mga kaguluhang ito sa mga kalaban namin.

Masama ang loob ko.

Gusto kong magindefinite leave at maghanap ulit ng trabaho sa labas.

Pwendster

One thing I like about this website is that I get to meet long lost friends. It's like having a sort of reunion through internet and seeing their faces once again after several years. So far, I have already contacted some of my grade school acquaintances, college friends - and even celebrities which somehow influenced my life. Here are some facts about my account.

- I'm using a straight profile. Di ako pwede magmaganda sa account ko.

- There are 79 guys on my account, 54 of those are non-straight.

- There are two celebrities in my friendster which uses their REAL account. They are Sarah Mclachlan and Annie Lennox

- I am connected to my cousins from the other side of the globe. Galing!

- Some friends that are connected in my account were my best buds as early as first year high school. I was even exchanging messages from other friendster who were acquainted with me in elementary. However, I'm still looking for the accounts of my friends during grade 6.

- Aside from my sister and cousins, one thing I'm really happy with my friendster account is that my one and only pangga is connected with me. Yun lang, it makes me really really happy.

- I just wish I would know someone who created an account and all those included in the friends list are his/her past lovers, ONS, SEBs, sexmates. I just wish I could find an original fuckster account.

- Both my two exes has an account in friendster. Unfortunately, I can never add them as friends.

Forgetable

"I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling anymore"

Yeah, ganun nga ang feeling ko whenever Yul comes to my mind. Kahit bali-baliktarin ko pa ang mundo, sex lang ang natatandaan ko sa kanya - his notable asset and me, being the bot. Siguro aside from that, isa pa sa lagi kong pinapakatandaan eh kung paano niya ako tinwo-time habang umaasa ako at nagtitiwala na wala siyang bino-bot na iba. Nga namang buhay.

Kaya everytime na pumapasok ang discussion namin ni phanks about post-break up scenario, lagi kong binabaon sa isipan niya na kapag nagbreak kami, malabo na may balikan pa siyang pangga. Marahil nabaon ko na rin siya sa limot, o nabaon ko na ang feelings ko sa kanya matapos akong makipag-seb na naman sa di mabibilang na tao.

Sabi niya, masyado daw akong bato. Sabi ko sa kanya, masyado akong mahina kaya kailangan kong lagyan ng depensa ang sarili ko. Sabi ko sa kanya, ayokong malagay ulit sa sitwasyon na naghahanap ako ng taong sasandalan, ng taong mamahalin ngunit maiiwan lang akong mag-isa at umaasa sa bagay na hindi na maaring bumalik sakin. Ewan ko ba, masyadong malakas ang loob ng buddy ko tumingin sa mga scenario na sa bandang huli eh siya rin ang masasaktan. Sakin naman, natatanggap ko na ang ganung reality, na maaring hindi pa rin kami mauwi sa bawat isa pero sa isang banda, umaasa at naniniwala pa rin ako na kahit ano mang mangyari,

baka kami pa rin ang magkasama sa pagtanda namin.

Sa totoo, ayoko ng humanap at tumingin pa sa iba. Mawala man siya, malimutan ko man yung feelings ko sa kanya, pero inaamin ko, mahihirapan na siguro ulit ako makahanap ng kasing bait niya.

Tholitz Star System Applies for Rice Bowl Membership

In just several days, the moderators of Rice Bowl Journals will review my blog. I don't know how will it go, but hopefully, I'll pass their review. On my application, there's this tinge of hesitation of showing my space to everyone, after all... I've been so open in this piece of liberty to the point of even compromising my security over freedom of expressing oneself. I have some classmates and acquaintances there, once they find out my blog. I should consider myself doomed.

Anyway, maybe I should think globally starting today, after all, there might be a slim chance that I will be read by everyone around Asia. Besides, my writing skills had become so appalling these days, that I think I should... expand my vocabulary by reading porn magazines. hehehe.

---

Just read pao's blog tonight... hey dude, you're right, those blue porn being sold along Aurora Boulevard rocks! They are not like those blue porns in Quiapo which is recyled a thousand times over! Finally, I can refleet my porn collection once again! Maybe I should check the place out frequently.

And yes, there's a significant increase in my manjuice expulsion after buying those treasures! Sheesh, maybe I could trim down without going to gym by obtaining more of those things! Hail to Bel Ami!

---

I've downloaded some of the House Music tracks being played at Bed. If you want to find it at Kazaa, make sure to include the words (thunderpuss club mix). Yeah, I recently discovered that most pop-club remixes were being done by thunderpuss' Djs.

---

Hopefully, phanks would wake up better today. I accompanied him going home since he complains that he's not feeling well. Besides, when I checked his temperature this evening, I think he has a sinat.

---

I would sell/barter my BED club collection CD after I've completed searching for more tracks being played in that club. The price of 1 CD is 50 pesos or I would barter it for a blue porn VCD. Interested parties may transact their business during the next contingent.

No Surrender

That's why I don't want to give up this relationship that easy.

Because I know how it feels months after... I hate the painful and bitter adjustment of missing someone and regretting your decision to part ways with your significant other.

It happens all the time, unless you have a spare tire to keep you company, then you will never feel this sadness whenever you remember your SO.

As I have said to phanks one evening while discussing a surefire scenario if ever we break up.

First, we would both feel the freedom weeks after. Probably, I might explore again after the first three sorrowful weeks, him probably he'll just go on with his life adapting a family-oriented existence.

Then at one moment, he would remember me. Whenever he goes to places we usually go, he would feel this slight pinch in his heart, and remember the days we used to go there and eat our dinner or just stroll around. Of course, since we usually do it today, nobody would ever care to remember its significance, but once its over, everything will once again be special... ever hurtful but never be put together again.

In this kind of relationship where we almost see each other three times a week, basically our whole existence revolves around one another, especially for him. I told him one time, that if ever I'm gone, he would attempt to look for someone to replace me. Of course, he would have a hard time looking for someone close to my personality. He would surf the chat rooms, talk with guys, open the lines he used to me while I was surfing the chatroom too while looking for someone like me, but he may never find that person at all... He would keep on looking, hoping the next one would be much like me, but alas, he would end up depressed because no one would ever come close to the things I did for him.

Every now and then, he would try to make contact, hoping that I would still be there. However, probably by that time, I would have reverted back to my slutty image, always looking for hook-ups whenever I got a boner. He would try, but we may never bring back this day again.

He would get depressed and frustrated. Yet in time, he would eventually settle down with a person who somehow resembles my personality. but still he would try to look for me in his new SO, until that time comes he would start forgetting everything... probably after several attempts in relationships or after several years. Our moment would just be a part of his memory,

and it will always surface from time to time... leaving him with sadness.

Of course, this scenario would also happen to me because I felt it already. I was just fortunate enough that phanks' far more better than my previous bud... but to tell you honestly, I still remember that first one. How we met or how he is today. All I know is that, he kept on looking for someone resembling me, but he never found one.

Except for my gf, I gave my best to the relationships I have after her. I think phanks enjoys the zenith of my capacities in handling relationships... that's why I sometimes ask myself;

what would I be looking forward to, if ever this relationship fails?

and I would just end up thinking,



feeling empty.

All That I'm Saying

We're getting old, and yes, most of us have already accepted the fact that we will grow old like this. My point is though some of us might migrate to other countries - some settling there for good, there will always be someone who will be left here and will return here someday. It is very difficult to find a group of friends, PLU friends who will touch and become intimately part of our lives. Two years, one year... the point is, nandun na ang pinagsamahan. Natanggap na namin ang weakness ng bawat isa. Although there will be times that we may go in different directions, arguing on issues that we may have different opinions... but at the end, we will always return to the people - friends who make up the very structure of our existence.

May we never loose sight of one another, I hope and pray that those who are closest to our hearts right now will forever be in this lifetime.

Para sa mga kapamilya ko sa ODDERs.

Kaliwete

"Lalaki ako... walang mawawala sa akin anu man ang gawin ko."

It was confirmed. My aunt's husband has a mistress in France. He's working there as a TNT, and since he's far away from home, he did what most men do: seek some company among other women.

Officially, we're a family of kaliwetes and kinaliwete. Dad's a very good example of being a kaliwete. He even introduce his 26 - year old mistress whenever he goes, in fact, his ex-mistress was the reason of his empire's downfall several years ago.

My grandfather - both from the mother and father's side is also a kaliwete, even my mom's brother is also a kaliwete. There's too much immorality and suffering in our family that no wonder, our generation will produce several gays and lesbians, probably as a karma or sign of protest.

Somehow, seeing my aunt cry broke my heart. But on the other hand, tolerating his brother's (dad's) mistresses hit back at her. It's a karmic cycle and I'm sure that it would still reach us sooner or later.

Oh wait, I'm also a victim of kaliwaan. I suffered from it, and it hurts whenever I would remember that day and regret. Sana, dinamihan ko pa ang naka-ONS ko habang nasa relasyon kami para naman quits ang laban.

Minsan iniisip ko, may sense ba na maging monogamous ako sa relasyon ko kay phanks? Minsan, nagdududa ako sa bud ko kung meron siyang kalandiang iba, pero hinahayaan ko na lang na bumaon sa isipan ko ang takot. Nung isang gabi, habang nagclu-clubbing ako sa Bed, merong isang guy na pumwesto sa likod ko. Nung una kala ko, accidental lang yung mga pagbangga niya sakin, pero nung tinataas na niya yung polo ko, sabay pinapasok yung kamay niya sa likod ko, bigla akong napaatras.

That guy is whammy. If I gave a positive response, probably I would end up in bed with him. There were a lot of times I avoided temptation all in the name of monogamy, but with what's happening around me and with the constant fear of being cheated, the truth is, I don't know where to strike a balance anymore.

Phanks always pulls me down whenever he complains about how I look or how I manage my hygiene. Minsan, gusto ko na lang talagang mapikon at bigyan siya ng leksyon sa kakadown niya sakin. I know, he's quite goodlooking compared to me, but he doesn't know that I keep some cards with me. Ako pa, may capacity pa akong magflirt around... and get a mate when needed. My experience in handling a relationship would always be my advantage. If I decide to free my demons and let myself reclaim my promiscuous heritage, maiiwan siyang mag-isa.

But still, I don't want to traumatize someone. I just hope that he would not get me first.

Mahirap kalabanin ang temptation. Kapag down ang feeling mo sa sarili mo, mas lalo kang maghahanap ng paraan para i-prove sa sarili mo na hindi ka pa dapa at kaya mo pang ipaglaban ang masculinity mo.

Pero kapag dumating ang time na nareremind ka ng nangyari at nangyayaring kaliwaan sa pamilya mo, ng takot mo na baka ikaw ang ma-tabla ng buddy mo, na kinu-question mo na ang moral standards mo...

nakakatakot.

baka next time, bumigay na ako sa tawag ng laman ko.

Black Hawk Down

I'm listening at my recently downloaded Black Hawk Down Theme... the latin-arabic lyrics is so melancholic, so tranquil to the ears... unlike what I've seen this morning, until now the shock still hurts my eyes.

All the sticked to my mind is bitter aftertaste. Indeed, there are things that cannot be understood in one swallowing.

I would have posted some thoughts about humility this evening... and how karma gets you back when you do things negative in the past. I was about to talk about hope, of being rewarded by being positive and humble - by harnessing the power of the chi. But no, how could I speak about good things when all I've seen shortly before dawn was saddening.

I was there. The ODDERs called a lightning contingent. With all honesty, they call this lightning contingent a hundred times over. At may mga beses na hindi umaabot sakin ang text... o kaya hindi na siguro talagang nagtext sakin kasi malabo akong dumating. At first, medyo napapakunot ulo rin ako, nagtataka bakit hindi ako sinama sa lakad. Pero ok lang, di naman big deal sakin masyado yun eh. Ang mahalaga kaibigan ko sila, with or without my presence, I know we're friends. Yun lang, hindi na ako umaasa ng reply kung magtext back man ako sa kanila. Sapat na ang mga napagsamahan namin na kahit hindi ako magpakita ng ilang linggo, alam ko na may tropa akong babalikan. I don't blame them if they may not inform me of gimmicks. Sa sobrang dami namin, kanya - kanya ng expectation kung sino ang magtetext at hindi. Yun lang.

I would like to save some words here, because I know, It might be use against me.

But before I end this entry, I would like to voice out the gists of my thoughts... in colors, that are melancholic

Grey and Mauve: I'm not really sure how your misunderstanding had began but I hope you can fix this one. Sayang, nakita ko pa naman kayong sobrang sweet kanina, tapos ganun lang pala ang magiging ending niyo. I'm just here to give comfort. Hug ko nga kayong dalawa.

Carnation: I don't know if you're drunk or not... I know, you're offended, I understand that. But I think you've gone overboard with your reactions. Check it out, I hope you'll realize it. Your actions was a bit extreme. If I were in his shoes, I would have responded bitterly.

Pale Blue: I've just read your blog. I don't know if it was meant for me or something but anyways, I'm sorry for not informing you. I was expecting the southern boys to do the job, since I tend to inform those who are nearer to my vicinity. Remember always that there are things that are strongly connected even beyond words - even beyond actions. I remember a friend in college, I asked my her why among her barkada, she is closest to those who don't join her gigs and groups. Her bestfriends are found among other circles who are apart from her own.

She told me, "sometimes... the most powerful friendships prosper in silence and in distance. its like there's this invisible thread that connects you. Everything is done by whispers, every quiet moment you spent together is a time of bonding. that how sublime friendships can be."

Anyway, since I remembered her words, maybe I should let my friendship with the odders prosper in silence and in distance. This time, I would let things take their own course.

Anniversary Night

Pareho kaming badtrip ngayong araw. Siya, dahil sa work niya ako naman eh dahil feeling ko ginagawa akong utangan sa opisina kapag nagkukulang sila.

Sa totoo, hindi ako enthusiastic magcelebrate ngayong araw. Tutal, laging stigma na namin na kapag may mahalagang okasyon na dumaraan sa buhay namin eh kadalasan, nauuwi sa trahedya.

Nagkita kami ng mga 6:30. Bakas sa mukha niya ang pagiging irritable at wala sa mood. Ako naman eh medyo nahahawaan na rin ng pagiging irritable niya. Lahat ng ihirit niya sakin eh ora-oradang binibira ko.

Pumunta kami sandali ng Rob Place para magwithdraw. Balak ko sana na dumaan kami ng simbahan ngayong gabi para ipagpasalamat ang milestone na naabot naming ito.

Papalakad, walang patutsada niyang sinumbong sakin ang nangyari sa office nila. As usual, nakikinig lang naman ako kapag ganun. Sadyang tanggap ko na na whiner talaga ang buddy ko at sa loob ng 45 minutes naming paglalakad, hindi ata siya tumigil kakasumbong tungkol dun sa officemate niya.

Dumating kami ng Malate Church ngunit sarado na siya kaya nagpasya na lang kaming magdinner sa Shakey's. Habang nagiintay sa aming hapunan, di ko naiwasang mag-open ng isang issue na matutuloy pala sa isang argumento. So hayun, nagdadate kami pero muntik-muntikan na kaming mag-away. Para maiwasan pa ang napipintong pagwawalk-out ng isa samin, sabi ko sarado na ang issue. Na bring up ko na ang problema, at wala na siyang maidedepensa sa akin.

Pagkatapos nun ay katahimikan. Wala kaming imikan habang iniintay ang aming combo meal.

Alam ko, pareho kaming badtrip at wala sa mood. Pero narealize ko na isa itong mahalagang araw para sa amin. Ayoko sanang mauwi ang gabing ito na may samaan kami ng loob sa isa't isa... na nagcelebrate kami ng isang napakawalang kwenta anniversary.

Tumingin ako sa kanya, tumitig ng matagal kahit maraming tao sa paligid makuha ko lang ang attensyon ng binatilyo. Nang mapansin niya ako't nagsimula na rin siyang makipagtitigan... hiniritan ko ang buddy ko.

"Happy Annivesary Pangga" bulong ko sa kanya. Ngiti ang isinauli niya sa akin.

Dumating ang pagkain. Halatang ayos na ulit ang mood niya. Nauwi ang kwentuhan namin sa kung paano kung isa sa amin ay mangibang bansa, kaya ba naming intayin ang bawat isa?

Sa totoo, matagal na itong issue na ito samin. Ilang beses na rin akong nagprotesta at nagbanta sa kanyang pag-alis. Pero ngayon, parang naiintindihan ko na na hindi namin hawak ang panahon. Sa tatlong beses niyang tinanong sakin kung ano ang gagawin ko kapag umalis siya at nagtrabaho sa ibang bansa, isa lang ang hinirit ko.

Bahala na kung iintayin ko ang kanyang pagbabalik.

Sa pagitan ng diskusyon ng immigration, reminiscing ng aming simula, at paglalagay sa sitwasyong isa samin ay mag-asawa, hindi ko maiwasang itago na sa loob ng isang taon, marami na ang nagbago sa pangga ko. Hindi na siya yung awkward na phanks na nakilala ko noon. Sanay na rin siya sa mga kinikilos at pag-iisip ko. Paano kaya kung hindi kami nagkita nitong mamang ito? paano kaya kung nagbreak kami noong may isang buwan na halos puro away ang nangyari samin... makakakita pa kaya kami ng taong katulad ng bawat isa?

Isa lang ang sinisigaw ng bawat puso namin.

Unique kami pareho para sa relasyong ito. Tingin ko, hindi na kami makakakita ng katulad ng bawat isa.

Nagpasya kaming sumakay ng tourist bus na umiikot sa buong Bay Area. Masarap pagmasdan ang lugar na naging saksi sa aming pag-iibigan. Hawak binti, dumaan ang bus na sinasakyan namin sa Baywalk, sa Wow Philippines at sa CCP. Ito ang mga lugar na madalas namin pagtambayan kapag gusto naming magkwentuhan.

Matapos ang cruising, lumakad kami papuntang Malate... hanggang sa Taft kung saan sasakay kami ng FX papuntang Monumento. Dito nagtatapos ang aming pagkikita ngayong gabi. Sa susunod na linggo eh darating na ang kuya niya, na nagbabantang gumulo sa harmony ng relasyon namin. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, sa gabing ito... nakita ko kung gaano ka-open ang buddy ko. Ewan ko kung aware siya sa mga kinikilos niya pero mukhang mas PDA siya ngayon kesa noong mga nakaraang araw.

Lagi niya sinasabi sakin na bumaliktad man ang mundo, hindi niya ganun kabuo matatanggap ang pagkatao niya. Sa salita maari... pero sa gawa, palagay ko,

alam na niya kung sino siya talaga at ano ang papel niya sa buhay na ito.

Pangga

Parokya Ni Edgar
One and Only

It took one look
Then forever lay out in front of me
One smile then I died
Only to be revived by you
There I was thought I had everything
Figured out, goes to show
Just how much i know
'Bout the way life,place out

Chorus:

I take one step away
Then I'll find myself
Coming back to you
My one and only one and
Only you

Verse 2:

Now i know that i know
Not a thing that I know
Except the fact that i'm yours
And that you are mine

Oh...,that you told me that
This wouldn't be easy
And no,i'm not one
To complain

Chorus

---

Para sa isang taon nating pagsasama
sa lungkot at ligaya. Ikaw lamang na pinakamamahal
at nagpaliwanag sa aking buhay,
maraming salamat sa pagmamahal
at pagkakaibigan na ipinakita
at ipinaramdam mo sa akin.

Happy Anniversary Pangga.
Mahal na mahal kita.

Corporate Bogeyman Nightmares

I asked myself, was this endeavor really worth it, or I'm just crossing my fingers hoping that I wouldn't run away this time?

Five days... It only took me five days to feel this depression sinking in. This afternoon, our helper woke me up for a phone call from office. It was our finance manager and she's asking me if I could lend her 15k to fill up the remaining balance they have to deposit in the bank to avoid the cheques from bouncing. Learning from my bitter mistakes a year ago, I told them I could only lend them 5k and that's all.

Either than get nothing, she accepted my offer and I was frustrated the whole day after.

You see, I was there when the business was in its darkest hour a year ago. Everyday, cheques were bouncing, the printing press and the newsprint refused to deliver the services we need for our product, and we're only weeks before we close due to bankruptcy.

The financial department kept on asking me if I could lend some cash because they are strapped, I obliged not knowing that it would take a week before they could fully replace what they borrowed. However, the salt that really rubbed the wound was that, both the highest officers kept on putting their grudges ahead of the business. Instead of facing the problems united, we end up either I, overriding their decisions to have an outcome, or let them fight till one of them surrenders at the end of the day.

I endured for several months, often running away everytime when things get worse. After all, the whole scenario makes me really helpless - Our business opened up the concept of helplessness in me. No wonder, I would exchange anything just to feel a little bit secured.

So there, I was fighting an endless war, not knowing how things would end. I fought using a hit and run tactic - often hiding in places were hope still exist which is our security agency. At the end, my dad's associate plotted to render us, completely incapacitated to produce a single copy of a newspaper and it was the dirtiest trick I've ever seen in my life.

It began on a rainy October morning of 2003. Rumors of mutiny was in the air. Morale was at all-time low since the employees hasn't recieved their salary for almost two months already, while my dad kept on blaming and cursing the accounting department for fucking up their jobs.

All was set to burn that afternoon. I was personally asked to man the accounting department since the finance manager resigned a day before. Then, the unexpected happen. 85% of the whole editorial staff never reported for office. Only a news editor an encoder and two layout artist were able to report. I was outrightly summoned by my dad to proceed immediately at our QC office. Things were grim when I got there.

With Divine Intervention and hope, we were able to close an issue that night. In our publications history, a newspaper was closed by a single news editor, 3 layout-artist cum encoder and one proofreader. Things were getting worse, but we saw everything as an independence. For the first time, our family had free reign in the office.

Three days after, we found a new finance manager. Of the 10 people we had in the accounting department, only 5 remained. Since the production deparment was united behind the production manager which is my aunt, nobody left their post.

I saw myself persuading for the accounting staff to remain. I even asked them to give us a week to let them feel secured in their work. I even promised them 3 months for recovery. I don't know if such actions from top-level officers were witnessed by employees in other companies, but I did it.

I did it so that we could survive.

A week after, we have replaced almost everyone who left their posts. People kept coming in, because after all, we had the name in the publishing business. Though our color-seperation machine was confiscated by its dealer, we were able to find a company who could provide us with the same services, slowly, the name which was severely damaged by its previous administration... is slowly being recovered.

Those who left us established a new newspaper, a tabloid to directly compete with us. Until now they still exist, but it seems like karma is getting back at them... slowly but surely.

As for us, we're still facing serious problem every now and then. But the experience we faced before taught me humility and respect towards those who would not abandon you in the face of death. I tend to get frustrated whenever I analyze things that would resemble our nightmarish past. I was there fighting... and running away at a distance, but the trauma it produced remain embedded deep in me now.

All I've asked for is hope... and harmony in the office and slight failures easily frustrates me. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but relating the things we have gone through and somehow survive it all, till today makes me a litte bit relieved... and faithful, that a Higher Power guides us.

I'm ok now. Finally I can go to sleep.

An Afternoon Tyrst Among The Trees.

Inang Puno: Sino ka? Bakit ka nakatunganga sa harap ko?

Me: Ako po si Proxi, batang galing Maynila. Polluted po kasi sa amin at walang punong kasing laki at kasi ganda katulad mo. Maari siguro akong
gumawa ng palasyo sa loob ng mga ugat mo, at maging penthouse ko ang
mga dahon mo. Masaya akong tumambay malapit sayo parang nakikipagusap sakin ang mundo ng dahil sayo.

Inang Puno: Matagal na rin akong hindi nakakita ng taong katulad mo, madalas, nagpapapicture lang ang mga lumalapit sa mga ugat ko. Halina't
ipakita ko sayo ang palasyo ko. Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata, at pakinggan ang mga huni ng kalikasan sa paligid mo....

----

We left home at noon, even though I had only several hours sleep coming from Bed.

Mom asked me the previous day if I could accompany her to Novaliches. She's gonna attend a function at a Seminary somewhere there.

And so the journey began.

Since mom told me that the Novitiate is in Novaliches, I decided to traverse Mindanao Ave going through Quirino Highway. It was a cloudy afternoon, and being the navigator, I was doing poorly in finding our direction.

It was my first time to get lost.

30 minutes later, we've reached the edge of Novaliches. We began to ask directions from people, however their response is a little bit jaggy. It seems like they don't know the place or the Novitiate is very well secluded from Novaliches' civilization.

Slowly, from asking directions from people every now and then, we found our destination. The Noviatiate is not within the area of Nova, in fact, it's at the edge of Fairview, a stone-throws away from Bulacan.

Mom had a lot of memories of this place, especially during Martial Law. Along the way, she told us how she got passed the helicopters and military preparing to launch an offensive against the seminary for harboring dissidents. During her time, the whole expanse of Fairview was a grassfield - no subdivisions nor highways.

We arrived at Sacred Heart 45 minutes late. As we enter the solitary main road leading to the complex, I can't help but wonder at the tall, imposing Balite Trees that covered the whole area. Man, this is the life. I'm several meters away from civilization and everything around me is nature.

While mom was facilitating a retreat, I was communing with Nature. For an urban boy like me - trapped at the center of the city - and pollution itself, a walk among the trees is a very good respite.

All I've heard the whole afternoon is the chorus of birds... and humming of insects. The wind blows gently, carrying with it little bits of cotton from the kapok tree nearby. Sacred Heart Novitiate is a very tranquil place, but whenever I'd be reminded that this place is for seminarians, I can't help but think...

For PLU priests in here, this place seemed a good place for lovemaking.

---

Belated Happy 2nd Anniversary Francis and Zeki. May you find yourselves in each others arms for a lifetime.

Iisang Bangka (Odderish Diva Remix)

Kapag pumapasok ako sa loob ng Quatro, di ko maiwasang sumagi sa isip ko ang mga panahong sumusugod kami sa malakas na ulan para lang magkita kita at makibalita sa buhay ng bawat isa. Nandung nagpapakita kami para lang pagtsismisan ang nangyayari sa thread at pag-usapan ang mga taong di namin gusto ang pamamalakad. Dun na rin kami nagkakila-kilala, lumago at naging pamilya. Ang Timog ang una naming bahay, at sa tuwing bumabalik kami sa lugar na iyon, umuwi man kaming lasing, panatag ang kalooban namin na at home kami sa grupong nagtatagpo duon.

Sa muling pagkakataon, nagpatawag si papu ng isang contingent. Kasama sina Omeng at iba pa, nagkasundo kaming magpakita ngayong gabing ito. Medyo late na akong dumating dahil naghatid pa ako ng buddy, ngunit nang mabungaran ko sila sa karaniwang table na kinukuha namin, nagulat ako sa dami ng dumating.

Iba talaga kapag Quatro ang nabanggit na tagpuan, bigla bigla nagpapakita ang mga tao!

Nandun si Bes Dennis na matagal ko ng hindi nakikita. Sayang hindi ko naabutan ang buddy niya. Nandun rin si Vermont, Glendel at PJ na hindi rin namin nasilayan sa mahabang panahon. As usual, andun ang regular attendees ng contingent. Aaminin ko, kahit hindi kami nagkakasundo paminsan minsan ng ilan sa grupo, tanggap ko pa rin at buo sa loob ko na isa kaming pamilya.

Natuwa ako kay RC at sa mga Sapa Girls. Di namin maikakaila na naging instrumento na rin ang YG para sa pagpapalaganap ng tsismis at intriga. Shempre, iyon ay isang katuwaan lang. Kung hindi rin naman nakakabangga ng isang tao ang aksyon ng isa sa mga ODDERs, kahit ano pang intriga yun keri lang namin.

Ganun naman kasi eh, sa isang pamilya dapat tanggap mo ang isa sa mga kasama mo kahit ano pa siya.

Mahirap pero sa pagdaan ng panahon, marerealize mo na parte siya ng buhay mo na mahirap nang iwaksi. Andung pagtabuyan mo na siya pero sa bandang huli eh babalikan mo pa rin siya. Andung awayin mo na siya sa harap ng mga katropa mo pero kapag siya ang naaapi eh ikaw kaagad ang unang dedepensa sa kanya. Iba talaga ang konseptong nabuo namin. Mabuti at tumagal kami sa stage na ito.

So hayun, may bago kaming nakilalang PLU, si Ace. Aaminin ko, na-whammihan ako sa kanya nung una siyang pinakilala sakin - kaya nga ako medyo interesado sa kanya eh. Pero habang tumatagal siya at nalalaman namin ang istorya ng buhay niya, na-absorb ko na rin na isa siya sa amin, marahil kapag nagpakita muli siya sa gimik namin eh maging tuluyan rin siyang ODDER. Si Julius a.k.a. Lindewelrainrix eh iniintay naming magpakita. Masyado na ring mahaba ang pagsasama namin nung batang iyon para ideny ang opportunity na maipasok siya sa grupo. Heto ang dalawang taong medyo hopeful ako na makasama sa amin. Labag man sakin na magintroduce ng tao pero... sabi nga nila, many will come but those who really belonged will stay.

Si Brian, official buddy na si Jonas Bagas. Blooming kanina yung binatang yun lalo na't kasama niya ang kanyang kabiyak. Nawa'y maging masigla at matatag ang kanilang pagsasama. Sa totoo lang, marami akong matututunan sa kanyang asawa. Sana... magsurvive sila. Si Paul naman, sa unang pagkakataon eh inintroduce ang kanyang maybahay sa buong grupo. Suporta kami sayo Stolich, nawa'y mas nakilala pa namin siya kanina. Anyway, sa susunod na pagkakataon. Nawa'y makita mo ang hinahanap mo sa kanya sa pagdaan ng mga buwan.

Sa mga wala... lalo na kay Topz, Zeki, Francis, JR, Henry, Roy, Stanley, Lolo Van, Kenzo, Jonas, Joey, RafRaf at Marvin na miss namin kayo. Isinama na lamang namin kayo sa tagay namin.

Sa mga bagong graduate! Congratulations mga diva!!!

Sa muling pagkikita mga parekoy. Isang malaking tagumpay para sa ating lahat ang gabing ito. Isang Kampai para sa hinaharap, para isa isang bukas na tayo pa rin ang magkakapamilya.

Mahal ko kayong lahat.

A Glimpse on Proxi's Last Days of Promiscuity

Around this time last year, my seb records had been going on at an alarming rate. It was during these months when I had multiple sex partners in 24 hours and weekly doses of sebs from people I never knew.

I was at the height of my second wild days after I broke up with ex and I am uncontrollable. People, the present ODDERs have never reached my state yet so some of them would never really understood that time. I've been searching for lovers out of my sexmates, only to be frustrated as the man-juice from both of us spurted to oblivion.

Around this time last year, I talked to Zeki for the first time to ask for advice.

It was one early morning. I became horny after teaching a kid how to initiate a sex-on-phone (SOP). SOP started boring me when someone had actually fucked me for the first time. I've proven myself to be a notorious bottom over and over so I was expecting physical contact with my partners. That evening, I had a chat with a guy who's looking for a serious chatter in the room, We chatted for around 30 minutes and exchanged numbers. After the kid came, I said my goodbyes, insomnia prevented me to sleep then so I tried my luck and texted this guy I've chatted previously that night. Lucky for me, he's still awake at 3 am. He replied and I decided to call him on his landline.

My most powerful asset during those times was my voice. Everyone I talked on the phone told me that I have a voice that turned them on. Twice or thrice, my voice lead me to someone's bed. My much thinner body last year also boosted my chances of fishing PLUs.

So I decided to meet this guy. Yes, I met him somewhere near UST, then went to his place which resembled like a beauty parlor. At the middle of the popoy, he told me if his friends could doodle with me after he cums. I said, why not they join us now, so we could have an orgy. He replied that they wanted to have sex with me, alone. With a raging appettite that night, I simply said "we'll see." as he thrusted himself inside me.

And it happened. I don't like the next guy who carressed me after him. The guy wants to fuck me, but I said, I'm not interested on fucking anymore. Maybe I could join him in performing mutual JO, but I don't want to be the bot anymore. Frustrated with my attitude he left. As I waited for the first guy to return another guy came. He had an imposing features, very manly when you look at his silohuette in the shadows. I even thought he was straight - that he accidentaly went down to check the noise we're creating.

But when he held my crotch, I said, patay na! Honestly, I like the third one better. I was really hesistant at first to respond on his advaces because I find it humiliating and degrading for the second one if I give favors to the third guy. However, when he torridly kissed me and whispered that everything will be ok. I finally told him, "sige pare, pagbigyan kita."

The popoy ended around 5 am. Depressed, deeply regretful of my actions, and after discovering that the last one is a baranggay councilor, I texted Zeki and vented out all my frustrations and fears to him. At that moment, I was too helpless to protect my self. At that moment, I was longing for cover, a big brother, but I feel, everyone would not really understand me. Besides, nahihiya rin akong magkwento sa kanila ng mga pinagagagawa ko kaya kahit hindi ko close si Zeki, siya pa rin ang tinext ko.

Wala namang malaking mawawala.

Franticme told us before about Zeki. Believing all the lies the old harlot told me about him, nakita ko bigla na siguro isa lang kami ng bangka nitong taong to, baka dumaan na siya sa phase ko at hopefully, this guy could enlighten me on the things that I was doing.

When he responded several hours later, I was surprised to discover that I've already exceeded his abilities. That I am already beyond everyone - even far beyond meng-meng during that time. But Zeki assured me that everything will be ok. That I should be aware of my actions and never let my searching for the new man lead me into trouble.

I don't really remember the actual words he said, but Zeki uplifted me during those troubled times. When I look back and remember how my self destruction ended, and whenever I give advices or enlighten people who are entering the state where I was that time Zeki talked to me, He comes out of my mind, whenever I say the words he said to me.

However, I never really toned down afterwards . Well, as a precaution, I wrote all my SEBs in one MS Word document. Some of the ODDERs have seen it. I created that document so that I would have a record of how far my promiscuity got me. It was my security blanket para alam ko kung sino ang hahabulin ko kapag may nangyari sakin.

A week after, I even found myself having sex with an effeminate, a kid and even a brokenhearted PLU like me. I've been coining the phrase "Laban O Bawi" to decide whether to give in to someone or back out. In fact, someone even thought that I would take him seriously after we did some miracle in Piggy's Dark Room. Poor dude, we're on the same both then but I feel that he's closer to destruction than I do.

He asked my number before we left, I gave someone else's cell number.

My only respite from SEBs was holy week. I promised myself that as Christ is being persecuted, I'll stop my cravings for flesh and enjoy talking to PLUs, the way I used to do before. After Installing Yahoo Messenger into my computer, the first thing I checked out were the PLU channels that abound there.

On one channel, which I can't even remember now. I chatted with someone who's handle goes something like Ben. Yeah, at first, he bored me to death, but when I started talking how I longed for my ex bud - despite him being a demon, I still missed the feeling of being belonged to someone. Ben, began to relate. We exchanged stories about our heartbreaks and longings. He even allowed me to see his face on the cam. His light demeanor and attractive looks caught my attention. His sad eyes reminded me of mine, and looking at him at the cam allowed me a moment of peace tranquility.

Despite my inner demon's demand to look for potential sexmates, Ben's sad stories penetrated my stoned heart. At the same time, my IRC was also open so I can monitor those people who were looking for SEBs and future hook-ups. A previous eb spotted my name and started chatting with me. Imagine mo, sa kabilang window ang tame tame ko, samantalang sa kabila naman eh nagdidirty talk na ako sa main channel para lang makaclose ng booking after holy week.

The chat eventually ended. I got my bookings for the next week, but to accommodate the chatter who's handle was Ben (which is not really interested in SEB, but to meet someone to talk to personally), I decided to meet him that monday. Meanwhile, I booked my IRC friend that wednesday. He gave me a clearance that we could do it in his place so I don't have to worry anything - not even lubricant. Sobrang pranka ko pa nung mga time na yun, bago ako magpaalam sa IRC, I was in between being jaded ang being hopeful that someone I just talked to on the other end would pull me out of the mess.

Still teasing the IRC booking, I told him something... a clause or forwarning that our SEB may not push through if this scenario would happen.

These are the words I said to my booking, before I closed the irc window:

"O pano pare, kita tayo ng wednesday ha. Basta ok lang akong magpakantot sayo, wag ka lang malasin na makakita ako ng kapalit bago ang araw na yun, magkalimutan na tayo kapag nagkaganun."

That Monday last year our Eyeball pushed through, A rain distrupted us at the height of our conversation. Seizing the moment... as the rains continue to pour down...

we ended up in a motel

and the rest is history.


---

From the Black Book

(#) And Because of the Rain (21)

- It rained so we went to a motmot
- Intimate hugs, sweetest kisses
- Best Sex I’ve ever had (Aside from ex)
- Been attached, probable buddy
- Junjun-Whammy
- Bot
- Buddy ko na siya. Pangako, hanggang kaya ko, I’ll stay with… as long as a lifetime.

Ending Song

It was the second week of November when I went to their office to present my credentials for the first time.

If I could remember it well, I got there around 3 in the afternoon. Sir Ted told me the rules, the basics and then he asked me to translate an english article to filipino.

It was my first day, in a company outside our family business. Everything was new then, and my objective is to create my own identity far beyond dad's looming shadows.

Today

I came to office at around 2 pm. It's my last day at Infinite Ideas and my reason for going there is to recieve my salary... and formally say my goodbyes.

People are quite busy doing their chores. The trainees have taken over most of my job. It is as if I'm no longer there. My presence is like a fading memory, a last flicker of light of a candle.

3 pm.

While I was checking my ATM account, my dad's business is on red alert. Authorities are confiscating our newspaper, claiming that we're smut tabloid and that, we show nude pictures of women in the front page

Which, we completely abandoned ages ago.

A news editor was being trained to be the managing editor. Two reporters were tasked to retrieve the boys who were apprehended by the police, and things are getting hot around the office.

Well, another omen... I'm not considering it as a bad one since some of those I percieved as bad omens turned to good ones... This omen, as I would interpret it, is a sign that this job would be 3x difficult than what I've experienced in the ad agency.

It's not as worse as what I've seen a long time before, but still, these troubles give me the trauma.

Back to the ad agency, I approached the bosses to formally say my goodbyes. The chairman, who seemed not aware that I resigned thanked me for my contributions in the company. Ms. Icel, the account director told me that I will always be welcome to come back to the agency, if ever I want to. And Sir O, solemmly thanked me for doing my job well while I was still working for them.

These people profited so much from me... from my, relatively low billing statements, to the free perks I've offered them, to the quality of my works, to the humility I showed them. I think I gave my best, and if I am a product, maybe, people would buy me.

Though, I admit, that I profited from them too... I've learned so much from the experience, and these experience are what guides me now. I think, I have regained my own image apart from my dad, and somehow, despite the fluctuating confidence... I still manage to get my acts together whenever I need to be serious, or firm.

My dad's sister and the finance manager told me that in just 6 months, I've matured from being a problem-runner to being a front runner. I don't know if this is true, but we could test that someday.

Before I left the office, I made sure that I would have a heart to heart talk with my mentor, Sir Ted. For six months, he was my superior officer. But our relationship went beyond the professional - he became my mentor, my spiritual adviser, and sometimes even my kikay friend. Yes folks, he's gay, but celibate and has a family.

Told him, "kung wala ka dito... wala akong matututunan. Pinaramdam mo sakin pano maging isang bahagi ng pamilya, higit sa PR, tinuruan mo ako kung paano makisama, paano makibagay sa mga ka-opisina."

After that, I said my goodbyes to my officemates. while going down the steps, Sir Ted gave me a cheque - a gift cheque from HBC.

Looking back, I was their PR man. For six months, HBC was my prime client. Para sa lahat ng naisulat at naipublish kong articles para sa kanila, my token was a gift cheque worth 500 pesos. Ang sweet naman, souvenir ko na ito.

Between day one and day ninety, sandali lang pala ang lahat. Nung una, natatakot at nagdududa pa ako magsimula, ngayon natapos na rin ang lahat.

Omens

9:30 pm

I was about to take a nap when suddenly, dad's words began to reverberate in my mind. He was again compaining about the Finance Department of our publishing business - that they allowed their check to bounce on my dad's account. My dad told me that he's don't trust our Finance Manager - that I should see to it that every centavo is accounted for...

His words reminded me of a time when the business was really in big trouble and everyday he curses everyone at the accounting department. It was a hellish experience I tell you, imagine, you're tasks to look after a department, which fusses dad everyday. I know, I'm a paranoid big boy, but I do know how to trust people. As much as possible, I don't allow them to feel down because once they got demoralize, everything starts to fall apart.

Which dad unfortunately doesn't really understand.

I asked our driver to drop me at the printing press. I really need to talk to the production manager, which is my dad's sister. I told her that I am getting worried how dad acted lately hitting on our managers. I think he's messing up things, when in fact they still do their job well.

Half jokingly, I told her that it seems like my decision to go full time looking after our business is a bad omen. This past few weeks since I passed my resignation letter at the advertising agency, trouble started brewing in our family business. On the other hand, the Ad Agency has a new client - a P20M tri-media deal from some obscure company.

Good for them.

I spent the whole night in a very tense situation, personally seeing the production and delivery phase of the business is going. Our production has dropped from 60,000 copies daily from 40,000 in just one year. I know, we're loosing ground but the Finance Manager said that it saves us a lot of money. Actually, we posted a P100,000 something profit last February or March, however we used it to pay for our outstanding debts.

Pramis, sakit ng ulo itong pinasok ko. I should be happy earning 1000 - 5000 from the agency, but I've always been reminded of our family business. I've realized that I can't fully turn my attention on somebody elses business as long as I have my own here, right in front of me.

I don't know what omens to believe. Was my resignation an omen, that I should be looking after what's left of our business now before it becomes too late? Was this trouble brewing is a sign of more bad lucks to come? Or is this a restarter's challenge since the beginner's luck has been given two years ago?

While the delivery van zooms along Roxas Boulevard to deliver the rest of the papers for today's news, a sense of nostalgia came to me...

Two years ago, we were so powerful and influencial, that people really clamored to buy our newspaper. Now, with only a partial of that power and influence left, I am tasked to fix everything as time runs out - for me, my dad... my mom. While looking at some gloomy scenarios I begin to wonder, how those young entrepreneurs do it? Is it because of luck? Do they listen and understand the omens that surround them? Do they practice feng shui like most successful businessmen do?

The owner of Temple Bar, Basement, and Jackloft's is a 24-year old Tsinoy lad. While reading his profile at Philstar this morning, a sense of awe and wonder struck me. I would like to meet someone like him, I would like to talk to someone who shares the same sentiments as I do feel everytime I am in this situation.

Y'know, It's hard to be in this shoes when, a P2M worth of business is on top of you, and a 10 M debt is below you. Imagine yourself positioning at a 10 feet high platform attempting to balance everything with a stick on your nose. Treading through a thin rope, you have to do your best not to fall or else, everything will fall down with you. That's what I feel today. Two days before my last day in the advertising agency... Two days before I surrender my short-lived freedom to be what I wanted to be.

Two days, I will become again the prince, groomed to be the next heir to the throne of a tattered empire.

And the omens are seemed to be against me...
Or I maybe, I wasn't reading it the "right" way.

It's already 5 am in the morning. I haven't slept yet and the pressure is killing me again.

Shorts, Sweets and Sex

Shorts

* I'm off to work in 20 minutes. This is the 2nd to the last I'll head off to my advertising company. Wala lang, I am even thinking if I should still go there in the first place or stay at home for good.

* I'll attempt to go to the gym. Yeah, it's been two fucking weeks since I last had my training. I don't know if my body can handle it. I just don't know.

* I was depressed last sunday after I've found out what happened to him. Anyway, after sharing the story to everyone, somehow I just recovered.

Sweets

* I really loved the way phanks caresses me. I feel somewhat special and cared for.

* He just told me that his vile brother is here in Manila. I was frantic last Sunday, looking for a studio-type apartment where he could stay. He said he's ready to leave his family... but on the other hand, we both realize that we should still wait and see how everything will be set.

Sex

* We had three rounds last night... in three hours thanks to those pinoy X vcds he bought. I don't know if I should get insulted whenever he brings or asks for X vcds when we do popoys... but what the heck! I'm better than them. In fact, I'm far more better in giving pleasure than those fucking actors and actresses.

The problem is... I still don't know how to come inside. Yun lang.

Breaking News

"Mag taxi ka na lang papunta sa inyo."

you said, nagtitipid ka.

"Ok ka lang ba pauwi mag bus?"

you said you're ok... and you seemed so sober. He even warned you about the dangers that you'll face in Cubao.

At the back of my mind, I want to accompany you till you finally find an Antipolo FX going home. I even opened up the idea to Meng-meng, but it didn't prosper.

We allowed you to go, hoping that you'll be safe and sober.

10:00ish am.

A series of text messages disrupted my sleep. Heaving from a newfound depression and phanks' hypochondria, the news arrived.

"Nagising siya na nakasakay ng tricycle sa may Navotas, hindi niya alam kung paano nakarating dun, at wala na lahat ng gamit niya... pati lighter"

Tangina, how could have we let him out of our sight. Sa bus pa lang eh nabinggo na siya. Thing is, hindi niya alam na ninanakawan na pala siya ng lagay na yun.

While trying to regain my sleep.

Swerte pa rin siya, he was exempted from the trauma by sleeping all throughout the incident.

And that sleeping probably saved his life as well.

Ingat ka dude. Let this be a lesson to all of us. I'm relieved that you, remained safe.

I thank God for protecting you all the way.

Ego Collision

I never thought it would really hit me.

Thirty minutes ago, I searched for someone in Friendster. That someone, had a big impact on my life - for almost a decade, I hid our past - whatever you want to call it inside me. He's one of the reasons, why I decided to be like this, why I brave the odds and came out of the dark, and why all this time I still look back at a time when one afternoon, after dismissal, after playing Sega on our favorite arcade rentals

He suddenly ask me if I want to go with him to his place... Taglibog daw siya at gusto niyang magpasalsal.

I have to admit, I was still "young" back then. I've just discovered the joys of masturbation when here he comes attempting to poison me and take advantage of my confusion during those early times.

You see, I was more effeminate before. First year high school and not circumcised yet has an extreme drawback. I was half boy, half teenager. My voice is rather for girls and since boys don't want to associate with me, I was left in the company of girls. Being a loner, he wanted to befriend me, and yes, somehow take advantage of my newfound discoveries.

I said "putanginamo" as my response.

Yet, it started to crawl within. Secretly, I was jacking off with him in my imagination. Yes, he's a very goodlooking guy, and his sexual exploits with parloristas caught my curiosity. He's extremely pervert during those times and ironically, there were countless instances that we've been partners in group projects.

One year after - second year, I was planning to seriously befriend him... and yes, hopefully take that mightly leap of experimentation he previously offered. But alas, he never made it. He was kicked out of our high school.

Years passed, and new friends came along. I completely forgotten about how close I was to jumping to the other side, yet his vague memory remained with me. As long as I fought for my true orientation before, he was part of it... He remained one of my resentments I've had with this sexual preference.

For months, I searched for friendster, hopefully to check him out. Secretly I was prowling at Malate, investigating... hoping he would have turned the same. After all, I am his creation. But I was wrong... very wrong.

I found his profile this morning. His features remained the same, only extremely manly this time. At the age of 22. He looked so whammy and muscular. I found some interesting tidbits about him... and he now works for the US Navy.

Tangina, he became straight... confident with the way I see his pictures, no sign of whatever bentness he might have become. I can't hide it but somehow, I am envy of what he had become. At 22, he's far more successful than me. On the road we both crossed, he fell. Yeah and look at him now.

I don't want to feel this way, yet everytime I see his pic, there's something inside me shouting... "yeah you feel extremely depressed, you can't hide it. You're just human not to show your true emotions."

And that voice is right. No matter how I try to understand myself, no matter how I try to remain confident even if I'm not unsure whether to be or sulk on my failures, no matter how I try to feel secured with whatever I wanted to do in my future,

the truth is.

I feel that I'm lagging behind. I feel like I still don't know myself and whatever confidence or strength of character I am showing everyone is just a mask.

I am still insecure, and the bitter part of it is that it shows... I allow it to be exposed.

Maybe, after I resign from my freelance writing work, I should
seriously consider where I really wanted to go. I used to believe that one can find a goldmine in this country... but no,

the mentality that success can be achieve abroad is suddenly creeping into my mind.

I am 22, and I feel that I haven't achieved anything.

Resurrection

So, I spent the Holy Week sleeping, eating, jacking off, manipulating my sims in the PC and texting my beloved as he fought boredom that comes with this vacation. Yeah, it was an enlightening experience bumming out while Jesus Christ was being persecuted by his people. As the Galera friends would realize, the three last days of the Lenten Season is the best time to take a break. Forget traditions, forget religion. What better way to celebrate this vacation but to enjoy the good life. period.

However, this bumming experience allowed me to realize many things. Finally, I've got the opportunity to treat mom and accompany her to her Holy Week runabouts. This vacation allowed me to mingle with my family - my sister coming along with us - bonding with her before she grows up and take us for granted. One thing this Holy Week really allowed me is to have an opportunity to bond with my family. Let's face it, time is really running out, those we could cherish today may be gone tomorrow. I thank God for this realization. Somehow forgetting those out of town expeditions was well worth it.

I've also realized how... vital my position is with phanks life. Yeah, as long as I am there to remind him of his mistakes and indecisiveness, through my blunt and frank advises, a part of him would always be at the ground.

You see, the more we spent our time together, the more I realize how far my bud is to my ideal lover, yet his uniqueness, his sweetness and his undying commitment to make this relationship work still earns my respect and reinforces my love for him. His need of me always make me stay on to him. After all, as long as someone needs you, he would have a very hard time discarding you. Yes folks, many of you would disagree with me, but it's the reality. People - especially in relationships stick to you because there's always a reason, a need to do so. Once the need has subsided, and he finds it in another person, then gradually he'll abandon you and pursue his need.

This week, I've realized how we desperately cling on to one another - the constant heart to heart talk assured us of our place in each other's lives, kahit nakakasawa at paulit ulit na minsan... we're still here for now.

And you know what, I've realized that the culprit for my manipulative attitude... or behavior is because of The Sims. After spending days, weeks and months playing that role playing game - where, I have the power to create their destiny - unconciously, it reverberates on how I deal with real life situations. Please, remind me if ever I'm making a sim out of a person. I would really appreciate it.

God knows that I never did anything during Holy Thursday and Good Friday. In fact, I slept the whole day of Good Friday missing the very hour Christ died on the cross. I only restarted my whole outdoor activities this afternoon by visiting phanks in Valenzuela. We had a good time shopping for some home needs at the department store and dined at McDonalds over problem solving discussions and never ending rantings from him.

The problem solving and ceaseless complaining really brings out the philosopher in me. I simply loved it when I make him realize everything... hoping that my "words" would penetrate his soul.

And I learn from that experience too.
He makes me human.

A couple of hours before Christ rises from his grave, we found ourselves at the Nipa Hut. Those who remained here in Manila had their own version of nightlife too on a Black Saturday Night. We had a lot of conversations. We talked about our forgotten sentiments and we were happy teasing dude about his luvie named... C

Had a fun night. The diva was fabulous as always and his steamy, boner stories made people from the other tables look on us. Kevs sa kanilang lahat! Tuwa talaga akong kasama ka.

---

And yeah, before I bury this down - before I spit this bitter aftertaste. I just want you to know that we were there too. Masakit lang isipin na inemphasize mo pa sakin na siya lang ang nandun. Kung tutuusin eh dalawang araw rin ako hindi kumita dun. I was there because you have a very special bearing on me as a close friend. I really hope you'd appreciate the effort.

---

But then, there's always a time to know someone better... if that time would be allowed to come.

Some things must happen one step at a time.

---

PS: To the guy with a 5 and 1/2 inches dick! Tuwa ako sayo. You're so cuuuuuuuute when you're halfway between drunk and sober!!!

---

Ninong... salamat sa treat. It's nice to see you again. Regards na lang kay Ninang J at salamat kamo sa pagpapahiram niya sayo sa amin.

---

Happy Easter Sunday Everyone.

I Wept For Mama Mary

I was so confident that I won't shed a tear for that movie...

Nung isang araw ako pa naman ang worried na baka hindi makaya ng nanay ko yung Passion of Christ at bigla eh atakihin sa puso sa loob ng sinehan. To prepare for the worse, I even called my aunt doctor if it's ok for mom to watch the movie. She said, ok lang naman... napagtawanan pa ako ng wala sa oras. My treat: my mom, sister and I went to Rob Place to watch the most controversial film this summer.

The Passion was indeed very bloody, very violent. But for the first time, Jesus' last days on Earth was given a real life depth in Gibson's film. Habang binubugbog siya at finaflaggelate, parang nararamdaman ko rin yung tama sa kanya. Pero ok lang, unlike others who sympathized with Christ, I sympathized more with his mother.

Who would ever forget the scene where Mama Mary was accompanied by John the Apostle and Mary Magdalene in one of the alleys, as Jesus was being persecuted and scourged along the uphill streets. There was this scene where Mary was tired from running just to catch a glimpse of his son, tas nung nandun na sila parang nagdadalawang isip siyang lapitan ang anak niya. Then nung nasa tapat na nila si Jesus eh bigla siyang na off-balance at bumagsak kasama yung cross na pasan-pasan niya.

Then suddenly, a flashback occured. Naalala bigla ni Mary na nung bata pa si Jesus at nadadapa, outright niya itong pinupuntahan kahit na marami siyang ginagawa. Sabay sambit ng mga salitang "I am here." "I am here."

Matapos maalala ni Mama Mary yung mga flashback na yun ay bigla bigla siyang tumakbo patungo kay Christ. Consoling him the best and perfect way a mother can. By this time, hindi na ako nahiya ipakita sa mom at utol ko yung emotions ko. Nakapikit... dahan dahan na palang tumutulo yung luha ko sa mata. As far as I know, this was the first time I let those tears flow down, without ever controlling them. Masyado lang akong natamaan nung scene na nandun si Mama Mary sa harap ng duguang si Kristo habang sinasambit niya yung mga katagang "I am here...", then Jesus replied " Behold, I make all things new."

Everytime na pinakita si Mama Mary na nagdurusa habang pinapahirapn si Christ eh nagpapadurog ng husto sakin. Matindi ang weakness ko pagdating sa mga ina na nakikitang nahihirapan ang kanilang mga anak - it will always make me cry.

Kasi naaalala ko rin ang sariling ina ko.

---

Like what RC said in the YG. The devil's portrayal was perfect. Yung androgenous nature niya, yung paraan niya ng pagtetempt kay Christ, yung pagkakaroon niya ng "divine" costume na talagang walang binatbat sa mga costumes ng ibang tao dun. Astig yung bawat appearance niya. Tuloy parang narealize ko na the Passion was actually a battle between Christ's imminent self sacrifice and the Devil's temptation of the Almighty.

---

John the apostle is very whammy. Wala lang.

---

This was the second time I treated mom to a date with my own money. I hope she enjoyed every moment of it.

A Very Late Night Stroll Down Memory Lane

It was midnight when I got home, only to be welcomed by a grim news that we have no running water.

Fooootangggina san tayo kukuha ng tubig ngayong hatinggabi?

As I found out after making tsika with our barako neighbors, there was no warning that the water supply would be interrupted tonight till tomorrow. The last water truck were filling timba and timbas of water since this evening and I was one of the last one who were given access to the hose itself so... meron na kaming tubig yun nga lang isang timba sha.

Eh bwakanangina pano magkakasya ang isang timba sa isang familia del diyes miembros? Siguro isang baso kada isa pwede pa... pero putcha, kahit pang toothbrush eh bitin yun ha.

So ang ginawa namin. Tumawag kami sa lumang bahay namin sa kabilang baranggay. Checked out if they have running water and organized a dram brigade to haul drums of water back to our home.

So from 1 am onwards, we were hauling titanic plastic bottles of water just to fill 2 huge water drums. Grabe, tinubuan ata ako ng masel kakabuhat dun. Swerte na lang, gising pa yung kababata kong straight. One year na rin kami hindi nagkikita kaya medyo masaya ako na nagkasama kami muli.

We had our kamustahan and balitaan about our other friends while carrying those plastic bottles. Half drunk, he volunteered to assist us hauling water so our work became much easier. He even accompanied us going home just to make sure that we'll never get any problems transfering the drums from our FX to the bathroom.

After our hauling job was finished, he asked me if I could chat with him for a little while. Since the last time we've met was eons ago, I said "sige, kwentuhan muna tayo pare."

We went back to my old home. Not contented with simply sitting in a bangketa, I asked him if its ok if we could stroll down the whole baranggay. You see, the last time I asked him to accompany me around, my best bud told me that he got a lot of enemies beyond our territory so we simply chatted beside one of the sari-sari stores that sprawled along the alley. However this time around, he granted my request.

Our old house is located near the center of the baranggay. Our baranggay was composed of several alleys with houses almost overlapping one another. This alleys was once my playground. My mom and dad, being active in the homeowners association had a lot of perks too. I am one of the most popular kids back then, and every area in the baranggay was open to me.

This morning, I got the chance to check those alleys again. Walking along the narrow roads, I've realized how things changed very fast. The once vacant lots filled with kangkongs were now occupied by big and modern houses. The small gardens that sprung along the road has now become a forest full of ornamental plants and blooming flowers.

These alleys were once my home too. It was on those streets where I meet friends and playmates. I even used to explore those narrow streets in search of sari-sari stores where I could buy Ultraman text cards. It was on those old houses where I ask some grannies to cut me a branch of their ornamental plants so that I could add it on my once envied ornamental garden.

Ang bilis ng panahon. Minsan, isang batang kalye lang ako na paikot ikot sa mga alley na yun, nangangaroling, nangangapitbahay, nagtatampisaw sa baha, nakikitsismis... at may isang time, kasama sa mga namumulitika pa. Parang kailan lang ang mga panahong yun... at nung napagawi kami sa isa sa mga madalim na kalye dun, nasambit ko pa sa kababata ko kanina na dun mismo sa spot na yun nakilala ko si den-den. Yung isa sa mga biker samin nung 7 years old ako. Gusto ko pa sana ikwento sa kanya na kaya kami nagkakilala kasi nageexplore ako ng bagong daan samantalang siya eh tinagos na yung maliit na daan na yun. The last time I saw him last year, he was a chubby bummer.

Dati rati, madilim ang mga kalsada sa baranggay namin. Pero ngayon may isang alley pa na flourescent na ang mga ilaw sa kalsada. Noon pa man, lugar na ng mga mayayaman samin ang alley na yun. Ngayon, tadtad na ng mga aircon ang kakahuying mga bahay dun.

Ang bilis ng panahon. Maikwekwento na lang sayo na yung iba sa mga kasamahan mo nung dungisin ka pa ay nag-asawa na at marami ng anak. Yung iba ay makakapagtapos na ng pag-aaral; yung isa naging lawyer na... at ang iba napapariwara pa rin ang buhay. Ang mga tambay nun, tambay pa rin ngayon.

Sa dinami dami na ng nagbago sa buhay ko, at sa malaking pagbabago nang nangyari sa lugar na pinaglakihan ko, nakakatuwang isipin na may mga taong nakatira dun na halos wala pa ring pinagbago. Iniwan mo silang ganun, matapos ang pitong taon ganun mo pa rin sila babalikan.

Ang sarap magsenti habang naglalakad kasama ang kababata mong nakasabay mo ng maligo, nakasabay mo na magjack-off nung minamaster mo pa lang kung paano labasan ng madaming tamod, nakajamming mo na sa mga unang inuman ninyong mga kabataan -

ang tanging naging saksi sa buong kabataan mo.

It was a worthwhile experience to look back and reminisce the days when everything seems so uncomplicated to you. My old home would always be a reminder that there was a time when I used to be one with the community - a very masa community.

And I want to leave it like that... hoping, I would hear again my boyish voice echoing along the alleys when I visit them once again, that for a time was my home.

Ba't Ako Tinamaan Dun

Nung mga nakaraang linggo lang eh masyado akong oppose sa mga ginagawa mo... weird, lately nakakarelate na ako sa feelings mo. Tama nga sila, tayo'y tao lamang: naiinlab, nagmamahal... nasasaktan at umaasa nawa'y tumigil ang mga sandaling tayo'y nasa piling ng ating mga pinakamamahal.

3 Doors Down
Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lies have made me colder
and I don't think I can look at this the same.
And all the miles that seperate
disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face.

I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight, it's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
as the people leave their way to say hello.
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight girl, it's only you and me.

And everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.
And when the last one falls, and when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.

I'm here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, it's only you and me.

---

I just hope that your feelings are true. It's so so sad to know that such fleeting feelings lasts only for a moment.

While Pao Was Sleeping

After being kicked by several bottles of Red Horse, he became the most serious casualty last night.

Saw him half drowsing at the bar. Accompanied him thereafter to a place where he could rest. The guys were raving to the housebeats and it's still 4 am-ish in the morning so I can't simply accompany him to Antipolo therefore I decided to wait for the guys and leave with them early in the morning.

I almost dragged him upstairs. Suddenly, the guys in BED, whom I do pressumed to be pretentious before became quite friendly and accommodating. My very very drunk friend was holding every body parts he could grasp on. Those whom he held on, understood his situation - even helping me accompany him going up the stairs.

Looking for an available O-Bed at the mezzanine, a 40ish guy offered his place for my friend to lie down and sleep.

30 minutes, 60 minutes. I was there waiting for the rest to come up and claim us. To ease the boredom - and the feeling of being... an outsider to the rest of the beautiful guys upstairs, I decided to read the events newspaper I got at the entrance and create my own world.

All was at peace and harmony, when suddenly I accidentally found a big piece of reality while browsing the paper I was holding.

The article was about a relationship that broke up after holding on for 4 years.

The author seemed so ecstatic to be free based on the tone of his lead paragraph. Perhaps, he had already gone beyond the mourning stage and was gearing up to enjoy a life of being single. Although he also did mentioned his hard times coping up from the break up, eventually he got out of it. After wallowing in pain for too long, after seeking solace with every drama artists the world has to offer, after crying bucketfuls of tears whenever he was being reminded of his ex, he found his answers one night after staring at the ceiling of his room.

"I ended up sleepless and staring at the ceiling, watching the little butiki disentangle its tail from its body and actually found the meaning of it - that everything in this world is indispensable. You may have a lover today but tomorrow he could have eloped to Timbuktu with a tanned 18 - year old boy from Malate - with nothing more but a huge and well-built physique and an IQ of the same number... Who would have thought that you could find life's meaning with a little cripped gecko, wanting to get rid of its body parts?"

Last night, while watching Pao sleep at an O-Bed; as people come and leave the scene, I realized how futile it is to hold on and close your mind from a myriad of possibilities. I was too afraid to let go, commit mistakes, police everyone just to sustain an order when it fact, everything is free flowing - that everything has its own course.

Secretly I was confused with what I felt to my bud some nights before. I was extremely afraid that I, for a moment lost my love and interests to him. Then I've realized last night that it happened to us countless times before. Maybe the only thing that held us together during those confusing times is the need for security - something to center a life on in times of great uncertainty.

I regained my feelings after he attended papu's birthday party. Drunk and horny, he told me how he appreciated everything when I came to his life. I was thinking too much of order but actually, relationships should be spontaneous and free flowing, the fears I kept all the time only made matters worse.

I hope that what I read last night would stick to my mind. I hope I would never pressure myself anymore when in comes to my confusion issues with my bud. I hope I would let things take its course and enjoy things as they are.

As for Pao, I never got the chance to dance the night away. I kept looking after him as he peacefully slept in one corner of BED while the guys downstairs were having the time of their lives. I have to accept the fact that I'm already domesticated my enjoyment now is to have a little fun, while being watchful to people around me. No wonder, the pulis-pangkalawakan job really fits my position.

Spread happiness to the world dude. Actually even when you're drunk, you're still exuding an aura of being light.

Masquerade

It was the dawn of my homosexuality. Roy, which I just met a month before suddenly informed me that he will be meeting another pexer by the name of Masquerade at Starbucks Pearl Drive one March early evening of 2002.

Being curious with people like us (PLUs), and with the desire to talk to him personally about how Franticme disturbs me whenever he tells very bad things about SNAGG when we talk on the phone, I decided to meet Masquerade as well even though I'm still wearing my uniform and had just came from a pressuring day in school.

That unforgettable meet-up bonded the three of us together. Secretly, Roy, Masquerade and I resolved that we should recruit other Alien Nation PEXers to join our faction and make a clear statement against the discrimination happening in AN that time. Soon after I met James (who I befriended in Wireless Journal also in PEx before) who turns out to be a non-straight and a co-founder of a big group of discreet guys in the chatroom. After having a drinking session with him in Sibil, Libis one night, I decided to introduce him to Masquerade the following week. Together with Arrjae, we formed the core who would discover the joys of drinking in Quattro and singing in KTV bars in Timog.

Marvin Kirsh joined us to eventually a few months later. Kugel, who we discovered in the chatrooms also decided to join our group. We are growing every month and the Alien Nation founder was never aware that we are recruiting people under its flag.

We joined Manhood Chatorg afterwards. Marvin (Masquerade) met Joey and they became lovers in the middle of 2002. Eventually, Franticme organized his own grand eye-ball (GEB) but fortunately by the time he called for a meet-up, our barkada had already established its foundations strong enough not to be swayed by someone. In the end, we have even attracted the entire PEXers who came that night at Franticme's GEB to join our faction.

Things have changed afterwards, many people joined us. Masquerade, which we lovingly call Papu gradually became domesticated. He settled with his partner and focused on his career. We continued his legacy - to the point of even mentioning his name to people he never met yet.

In every opportunity possible, Papu would be mentioned in our little chitchat. His relationship with Joey became a role model to all of us who aspires to have the same degree of relationship one day. His maturity and attitude has always been compared with Franticme, only with appalling results to the latter. Slowly, through word of mouth, people would know about him. Even despite the changes - Masquerade remained with us:

I remember him whenever I look back at my beginnings and remember his advices as I slowly seek my place in this homosexual existence. I don't know about the others, but Papu has always been my role model as a homosexual.

Last night, after keeping this secret for several weeks, all of us came out to celebrate his birthday at the Elbow Room in Podium. All those who's life was touched and affected by Masquerade were there - in person and in spirit. Those who came and saw him for the first time suddenly found themselves meeting the guy who started it all. We drowned ourselves in beer, we filled our tummies with the fabulous pica-pica the Elbow Room has to offer. Some played billiards while most of the guys spent the night singing with their hearts out at the karaoke station.

What made last night most special to me was that my buddy decided to come along. Sa totoo lang, nahirapan rin akong higitin siya sumama dahil nahihiya siya magpakita, pero nagdecide ring pumunta at the last minute. Many people don't really know the behind the scenes when we were just starting. I remember Papu telling me to stick with Phanks no matter what happens during the conception of our relationship. Tandang tanda ko pa ang text niya sakin noon na wag ko daw isusuko si Phanks... and look where we are now. Kung hindi siguro ako naniwala sa kanya noon, maaring ngayon eh naghahanap pa rin ako ng panibagong relasyon.

The guys, based on the frequency they hugged someone last night enjoyed the party as well. It was an extension of the Contingents we do, only better. I hope Papu had a great time seeing us. Joey's plan was a success.

Para sayo Papu,

Maraming Salamat sa Lahat.
Belated Happy Birthday sayo.

.

This is so very dangerous...
really really dangerous.

I feel so apathetic
and as much as possible I don't
want it to affect me

I don't want to admit that it's already happening to me.

Dear Oprah (Maging Sino Ka Man)

I'm in a buddy relationship right now, and we've been together for almost a year. We have our ups and downs, our sweet and bitter moments. We stood up for the relationship and we still keep on going despite the odds that seems to hover against us.

In our relationship, I am the provider. I give him everything my money can afford - e-load, treats and dates, basics necessities. almost everything. If I am a little bit older, people would think that I am his sugar daddy for that. However, I don't have any choice or qualms about it. I'm far more financially advantageous than him and it doesn't usually hurt my pocket at all. Yeah, he is aware of that and most of the times, our setup pulls him down. He always feel that he'll be forever be indebted to me and the relationship imbalance bothers him a lot.

But I don't really give a damn about the matter - most of the times. I've been in this situation before - only that time it was a friend. I was also the financially stronger between the two of us, so whenever I would like to ask him to accompany me somewhere, I would always shoulder most of the expenses. If I was a PLU that time, PLUs would think that we're not mere bestfriends, but are actually lovers. I do bond with male friends uniquely and everyone would mistinterpret it for something if their minds are malicious enough.

So back to my bud. I could see that I'm more mature and stable between the two of us. Although I don't see him as a pain in the ass - except when he feels uncomfortable with the situation or when he turns grouchy. However most of the time he's able to make compromises, that's why we still do work as a couple. No matter how disadvantageous I am financially and sometimes even emotionally, the strength and stability he offers me compensates everything that I give to him materially.

However, this past few days, I've been thinking whether we're still working out as a couple or the strain of the cycle is close to hitting me already. We had a fight a night ago over a textmate who flirts him. I know, that textmate is a girl, but what irritates me is that it reminded me of a time... before, and I can't understand why he's so curious to know more about her when in fact she's actually flirting with him.

I have to admit, it exploded into a full-scale conflict that night. However we've managed to patch things up before we parted ways. But the odds are already there. We're already ok when we parted this evening but somehow, I don't feel that much anymore to him when he left. I used to worry that much, but tonight, I don't really care if he text me or not - if he got home or he's somewhere out there.

Is this a sign of loosing grip? or we're into this adjustment thingie once again since we're already heading into our first year together?

At least he texted me something heartwarming before he slept:

Pangga maraming maraming salamat po sa lahat. pinadama mo sakin kung gaano ako kaimportante para sayo. sana po ay maipakita ko rin sayo ang mga ginawa mo para sakin at kung magawa ko man yun lahat, masasabi ko na di na ako guilty at makasarili. marami pong salamat sa pagmamahal mo sakin kahit against man sa mata ng tao. goodnight po sayo at alagaan mo po ang katawan mo ah. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! di na ako makakakita ng kasingkatulad mo. sweetdreams. mwah!

I woke up relieved and refreshed after reading his message. Yeah, maybe this notions and wrong signals simply rouses up my nightmares of a time before him. That's why I really hate it when I see people being hurt in relationships. I can't really pull myself to realize that it's their life and not mine. Maybe this is the empath's curse. I could feel whatever someone close to me feels, and at the same time, this feeling turns me against the people who inflict the pain on them.

I don't know... maybe this is just a hang-over from our fight last time. Maybe this is just the last challenge I have to resolve 20 days before our anniversary. Whatever I feel, I hope someone could give me a hint of what it is or is this feeling still normal.

Maybe I should have a time-off and reflect on how special this relationship is. Maybe I'm just simply pooped out to think about how important and crucial he is to my life at this time.

After all, I might not find another guy who would bear my trauma in relationships other than him. I am just worried that I might be loosing my grip.