Of Mice and Men

I don't know if this should be a political columm or an insight about how our lives revolve in these hard times.

---

Nung isang gabi, habang abala si mama sa panonood ng Kampanerang Kuba, ako naman ay busy sa pagpipindot sa calculator habang naghahapunan si phanks sa bahay namin.

Abala ako sa pagcocompute ng mga gastos kahit na ilang araw pa bago pumasok ang salary ko dahil pakiramdam ko, masasaid muli bago dumating ang kinsenas.

Paano ba naman, totoong nagtataasan ang presyo ng bilihin. Kahit ako mismo na pwedeng tumayong single parent na eh hindi pa rin mapagkasya ang perang tinatanggap ko mula sa company ni papa.

Kahit siguro isama pa doon ang kakarampot na tinatanggap ko sa bago kong trabaho, hindi ko siguro mapapantayan ang lifestyle ng karamihan sa mga bading na kilala ko.

Nakakatuwa lang ang eksena kasi mukhang nagbaliktad ang mundo namin ni mama.

Sabi ko nga sa kanya, dapat heto ang trabaho niya, pero mukhang ako na ang sumalo noon dahil tutal nasa akin naman ang pera.

Diba, stereotype image na ang mga nanay ang tiga-budget ng pera sa bahay? At ang tatay ay siya lang na tiga provide?

Sa eksena namin noong isang gabi, ako na nga ang majority provider, ako pa ang tiga-budget ng iproprovide ko.

Nga namang buhay.

---

Dumating sa ATM ang salary ko kanina.

Pero ngayon pa lang, alam ko na kung paano ito mauubos.

Laking pasalamat ko na lang sapagkat meron akong extra work kung hindi, wala talagang matitira sa akin. Idagdag ko pa dun ang mga personal expense ko at talaga namang gagapang ako papasok sa work.

Ever since, hindi ako nauubusan ng pera dahil naging priority ko ang savings. Pero sa loob ng two months, simula ng inutang sa akin yung natitira kong 12 thou ng dating isang kumpanya ni papa.

Hindi na ako nakabangon.

Tuloy nag-iisip ako ng extra pang racket na pwede kong gawin para lumobo ang pwede kong i-save sa mga bangko ko.

---

Sa ganitong mga pagkakataon, minsan gusto kong mangarap na ano kaya, mayaman ang naging buddy ko.

Ano kaya kung sa super yaman ng buddy ko, meron siyang sarili niyang pad, sarili niyang business at sarili niyang car.

Makakapasok kaya ako sa buhay niya? Mapapantayan ko kaya ang lifestyle niya.

Sa isang banda, hindi rin siguro.

Unless na lang, sanay rin siyang mamuhay ng mahirap.

---

Kung titingnan ko naman ang sarili ko, deins naman kami mahirap. Kahit na, problemado kami sa pagbubudget ng pera.

Advantage nga ang pagiging bading ko kasi kung hindi siguro, ilan na ang panganay ko.

Instead na ang binabudget ko eh gastos sa bahay. Siguro, problema ko ang diaper, gatas, vitamins at kung ano ano pang gastusin ni baby. Ewan ko lang kung mayaman ba ang magiging maybahay ko o hindi.

Pero kung si ex-gf ang nakatuluyan ko... at nagpakasal kami? Sheesh, tatlo na ang bahay namin ngayon.

Minsan naiisip ko pa rin what if... di ko inentertain ang thoughts na ganito? What if tinago ko sa sarili ko ang tendencies kong ganito.

Ano kaya ang magiging buhay ko ngayon?

---

But in fairness, I am happy with the things are going in other countries.

Spain, has just allowed same sex unions across the country.

Its obviously a great victory for people like us. And I'm sure, their progress would reverberate across the world. Maybe, I would actually live a day where this country would accept same sex marriages too.

Yun nga lang lola na ako siguro kapag nangyari yun.

Or naging tatay rin ako eventually dahil sa mga series of unforseen events.

---

Finally, the congress has allowed to hear the CD.

And I spent two hours tonight just to see those friggin lawmakers decide on the fate of the said wiretapped conversations.

Naaamoy ko sa kanila ang nabubulok na amoy ng pulitika. Tuloy naiisip ko kung totoo bang may democracy sa bansa natin or manipulated tayo ng politicking ng mga taong binoto natin.

When I was active in politics back in College, I tried my best to avoid bringing it to the class. After all, I was the president and I've seen my institution in a very sacred light.

No, Journ should be free of politics. Those of us who are active in such politicking had this unwritten/unspoken agreement about spreading our ideals in the classroom.

And my batch was spared, I guess.

Siguro ang pinakamalinaw na proof nun eh grumaduate akong best friends lahat ng classmates ko.

---

Tomorrow is another Friday, and plans have been set on how I will spend it.

Of course, BED is part of the agenda and I will make sure that I am present on this week's party.

Bahala na, kung ano man ang mangyari. Good thing, I am not really confident about myself.

Siguro that would be my banking if ever I'll think about openly flirting with someone.

And if anything happens.

I'll keep my mouth shut.

Only XP will know.

Dirty Talk.

During my chat days, this was my typical agenda during a horny day.
Guess what my nick is.

And yeah ladies, pardon me for the use of vulgar words... I used the very same words in the chat so that I can fully emphasize that I was teasing the guy.

---

Kantotero> pero di ako negrito ah
active_guy> hehehe...
Kantotero> di effem
active_guy> payat?chubby?
Kantotero> stocky
active_guy> anong stocky?
Kantotero> malaman
active_guy> i see...
active_guy> sarap nun ah!
Kantotero> :)
Kantotero> ano kaya gagawin mo sakin
Kantotero> kapag nasa kama tayo
Kantotero> hehehe
active_guy> expect the unexpected....
Kantotero> hahaha
Kantotero> bawal ungol ha
active_guy> naman!!!!!
active_guy> bsta dlwa tau masasarpan.col ako dun...
active_guy> ung tipong naghahalikan,ngroromansahan at kung ano pa...
active_guy> ano?
active_guy> mgagawa mo ba un?
Kantotero> shempre
Kantotero> enjoy ko yun
Kantotero> taena yung tinitira mo yung guy
Kantotero> tapos hinahalikan mo rin
Kantotero> astig yun
active_guy> pre,ok lang ba sau medyo chubby ako?
active_guy> may laman pero di naman mataba....
Kantotero> ok lang
active_guy> ok...compatible naman pla tau eh...

In yer dreams guy... in yer dreams.

No wonder, when they asked me if I am ready to do the job, I never doubted my capabilities. I've been a dirty chatter way way before, and after all those years of avoiding the rooms, I am still am.

Seriously, I am having troubles maintaining discipline to myself. There were times, I'll tell myself that sex is just sex and nothing more... which... a year ago, would be a no-no in my principles.

But when something is lacking in you. When you are having troubles with your bed partner. When you feel that you are slowly loosing your grip to your committment.

These things pop into your mind.

Good thing, I would always be reminded of what dad did to my mom.

I would always be reminded of how he told mom way way before that he wouldn't repeat what his father did to them.

I don't know if I can keep my promise never to repeat the same mistake again. Clubbing to BED alone poses more serious threats as the weeks go by.

Its either I break the relationship, commit the mistake and keep it as a secret, or let someone tell me that what I am tempted to do is perfectly normal and its my right as a sexual person.

But seriously, I need a good advice soon.

Or else...

Kantotero> marami akong kapartner
Kantotero> na nilabasan
Kantotero> ng di man lang nagjajakol
Kantotero> :)
active_guy> ano,pwede ba natin sun\bukan ngaun?
active_guy> may place ka po ba?
Kantotero> may place ako
Kantotero> punta ka rito?
active_guy> tlga?
active_guy> ngaun na...
active_guy> punta na ako...
active_guy> san tau mgkikita?
Kantotero> Ikaw
Kantotero> san mo gusto magkita?
Kantotero> san mo gustong sunduin kita?
active_guy> sa sm?
Kantotero> sm?
active_guy> centerpoint...
active_guy> pwede?
Kantotero> layo masyado
Kantotero> gusto mo sa...

*MiRc Disconnected.


I'm sorry dude, I am not ready to turn myself yet.
Despite the problems I have with phanks.


Good thing, I am still in control.

The Night I Stood Up To Be Counted

For so long, I held my silence believing that I am powerless to support such changes.

But after she spoke this afternoon. The moment I heard her conviction and beliefs.
When I felt that whatever she said came from her heart. Now, I know where I stand.

---

In the past, we were allied with her husband.

We were the only daily carrier who supported her husband’s candidacy. In fact, I was the one who suggested that our banner should be "The King for President"

And we were the one who were brave enough to use such very biased news – directly challenging the administration itself.

When everyone around me thinks his husband is a nuts.

Secretly I was supporting him. When he lost the elections, I know, it will be our doom. And I’ve always known that he and his vice-president were actually the winners.

And doom it was months after he lost his bid.

---

In his death I secretly grieved.

When she spoke during his funeral, I felt something burning in my heart.

When Conrado De Quiros wrote that she believes in what that woman said. My respect for her
surged in an all time high.

All time high it was that when she called for sobriety two weeks ago. I followed her wishes and silenced my own.

---

Now that she has spoken,

Now that I was moved by her anger, her ferocity, her belief that she can be the leader of whatever
change is brewing.

Now that she had touched my sleeping anger, my humanity, my wish for change. Wherever she goes, now I will follow.

I think in my heart, I found my answers.

I am ready to offer my sacrifices for whatever call she would sound.

And now, after slumbering for so long...
After clinging to the usurper just for our former
Kingdom to survive
Now that we have lost all

I finally started to believe.

Manna From Heaven (Last Part)

The party was getting started.

Unlike last year, this year's theme was far more interesting than the one before. Although, the Midsummer Nights Dream was far more poetic, this time, Heaven was more crowd friendly, if not short on budget.

The main stage was extended towards the end of Gay Malate and nearer to the residential areas that used to be the exclusive areas of the place. The extending stage, which I would call the runway was more conducive to dancing and fishing. In fact, I almost got my own adventure while exploring that elevated portion of the party area.

---

I've seen many familiar people in the course of the whole night.

There was Suki, the first guy who organized a grand eyeball for the LBGT community in PEx three years ago. It was my debut party, from there I got my first kiss from the first bi-guy I fell in lust with.

The whole ICON staff was also there, which to my surprise, used to be the SNAGG group back in PEx. Ang bilis nga naman ng panahon. They used to be the frontrunners of straight-natured gay empowerment back then, now they are what represents the fab-side of queerdom.

---

Nung simula ng party, nagbibiro pa ako na hindi malayong makakita ako ng dating ka SEB na naligaw doon.

At nagdilang demonyo nga ako. Habang sumusuba ng yosi, biglang dumaan si A sa harap ko. Tanda ko pa noon, kala ko tigasin siya, dinala niya ako sa bar niya at dun may nangyari sa amin.

In fairness naman, kahit medyo pilit kong ineerase sa sarili ko ang nangyari samen, siya lang ang kaisa-isang bading na nakapagpaungol sakin ng malakas. Wala na. At shempre di ko na ulit naranasan yung pinagagawa niya sa murang katawan ko.

Nakita ko siya nung White Party, as usual naka-drag suit.

Kapag kinukwento ko sa mga kaibigan ko ang nakaraan ko sa kanya, basang basa ko sa mukha nila na para bang anlaking pagkakamali ang ginawa ko, o kung hindi man, parang sobrang out of bounds ang nangyari sa akin at bakit napili kong makipag-jug sa kanya.

Sabagay, madalas walang borders ang libog.

---

So lumayo si Arnie at ako naman ay nag-ikot malapit sa stage. Lahat ata ng klase ng bading eh nakita ko na. At shempre nagtama na naman ang mata namin ni Ex.

This time, tinupad ko ang pangako kong katapusan naming dalawa. Binati ko lang siya na as if we're just acquiantance and nothing more. Siya naman, palibhasa pre-occupied rin ng mga sights kaya hindi na masyado nakipagpansinan sakin.

Lumalim ang gabi at nagsisipaghanapan na ng partner ang mga tao. Kahit ako rin ay humiwalay na sa mga tropa ko upang mag-explore ng sarili ko.

Dahil na rin sa mood kong sumayaw, umabot ako sa taas ng platform. Kahit tagaktak ang pawis, pinilit kong humataw at gumiling kasama ng mga nakahubad na lalaki. Masyadong sexy ang sights kaya naman di ko rin naiwasan di tablan. May pilit sakin makipagsayaw na early 30s na stocky guy. Actually turn on naman siya dahil medyo maangas rin, pero matindi lang talaga ang control ko kaya bandang huli nagsawa rin siya kakalandi sa akin.

Sumunod naman eh may barako rin na tumapat sakin. Heto medyo agressive, mukhang kasing aggressive ng balbas na sadyang pinalago niya. Nung una medyo super close na kami magsayaw dahil sobrang jampacked rin yung stage. Pero bandang huli, hinawakan na niya ako sa bewang at pilit dinidikit ang katawan ko sa kanya.

Nung una keri lang, pero matigas ang reminder ni Phanks sa utak ko. Eventually umatras rin ako ng hindi ko na makayanan ang intensity ng sayawan namin.

---

Marami pa ang nangyari noong gabing yun.

I've met a former classmate, a former co-trainee, and an officemate. Kung dati super kabog ako kapag may kakilala akong nandun sa ganung event, ngayon ako pa ang humihirit ng "Happy Pride Pareh!" Never did I experience this much pride about my preference, kahit na maraming panahon, tinatanong ko pa rin sa sarili ko kung ano ang kakauwian ko sa pagiging ganito.

It was a bonding night for me, the others and fellow bloggers. At least, I got to experience hanging around with my past, my present and probably my future. Dati rati kasi, paniwala ko lang, iikot lang ang mundo ko sa ODDERs, pero ngayon, tanggap ko na that there is a big world out there.

And eventually, that world will be part of my own.

---

Umuwi akong super haggard at sobrang amazed. Never thought I would enjoy this party, kahit na wala naman talaga akong ginawa kundi makipagshoshalan at makipagchikahan sa lahat ng juding na kakilala ko.

Tanda ko tuloy, the last time I had this kind of enjoyment was during a Black Party several weeks before I met Yul. Noon naman, sex lang ang target ko. And I did find a date afterwards. Naunahan lang siya dahil super bagal niyang pumorma.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, humiga lang ako sandali sa sofa, took off my fitted polo shirt and changed into a sando. Yes, pumasok akong naka-pants ang naka-sando sa work, which is keri lang naman sa office.

Pagdating ng tanghali dumating yung officemate ko na nakita ko sa Malate the night before. Alam kong out na ako kaya ako na rin ang nagsabi dun sa mga friends niya na nagkita kami.

Umuwi akong pagod sa bahay kaya idlip kaagad ang drama ko. Pagdating ng 6 pm, dumating si Phanks para mag research sa amin gamit ang PC ko.

Shempre, hindi lang research sa PC ang ginawa namin...

---

Dalawang araw matapos ang party, di pa rin ako nakakabawi ng tulog.

Pasensya na kung nagdeclare ako ng boycott na babawiin ko rin lang ilang oras bago magstart ang party.

I simply can't resist the call of Malate.

White Party is an event too good to be missed.

Manna From Heaven (Part One)

The night was late, and I found myself dragging my ass out of the house. The streets were still wet from the evening's rain but it didn't stop me from taking this opportunity to be there and be counted.

It was 11 pm and the people had already started to converge in that famous street. After all, this is a once-in-a-year event. Everyone who wants to be known, who wants to have a good fuck, who wants to have a lover and who those are proud of who they are came at the very same place where I found my freedom

Malate.

---

As I remembered during my last conversation with XP, I told him that one reason why I will be boycotting this night is because I remember Omeng. This was our last party together before he left and after that, everything simply changed.

XP told me that we should in fact be celebrating. We should remember this day as if Meng-meng was here partying with us. The phone conversation ended without a firm committment on my part for this night. When XP texted me this afternoon, I made up my mind and told him that I won't leave the house.

Period.

However, Bes Dennis also texted me, telling me if would come to Malate or what. I gave the same answer. He simply replied

"I miss you bes"

But I didn't replied. After all, his no-show during the last contingents weakened us as a group And secretly, I was hurt because those were the moments we needed him.

At the same moment, I've realized that I had a promise to Omeng. That no matter what happens, I will be there to support the group that spawned us both.

And this is a good opportunity to call the people who are part of us.

So before 7 pm. I changed my mind.

I would be appearing after all.

---

Bes and I met at around 11:30. Migs was already there as well as Vermont.

The music was already blaring from the stage and I was beginning to suffocate while standing at the corner of Orosa and Nakpil.

I was beginning to suffocate because there were too many gays in the area. And I, on the fact can't stand that. Even the jumpacked BED wont match this magnitude.

Then suddenly, A friend of Migs arrived. He introduced me to the newcomer, which is a founder of a group in YG. I am a subscriber in that group so it was an honor to meet the guy who started it all.

I was having a subtle conversation with the guy when suddenly a familiar guy passed by. It was McVie and my first impulse was to hug and made an excuse why the hell I was there.

Siya naman, he was shouting "Liar, liar" in a jesty tone because of my proclamations in my last entry. Then we laughed, chatted a little, then he told me that Felipe, his bud, and Promdi will also be coming.

So tonight was not only an ODDERs' reunion but a reunion of gay bloggers too.

---

I then introduced McVie to the guys. I told him that they are the ODDERs who I've been mentioning most of the time in my entries.

All of us were having a warm chit-chat when our heads turned to this very fat gay in a Queen Elizabeth sorta costume who has arrived with his entourage of angels. Of course! this is a gay event, so even though it wasn't a Black (Halloween) Party, there would always be divas who want to stand out in the crowd.

Later that night, Bes asked me if we could take pictures of him. So we then approached the Queen, paid our respects and requested if we could take his highness' portrait.

The queen granted our request.

We then went back to our tambay place to show the photos to the boys who were already there.

---

Shortly after we have taken the pics, Felipe, Mr. M and Promdi finally arrived.

Since Felipe and I have met in BED, before, introductions never really mattered anymore. Sabagay, everyday mo naman ba bantayan ang blog, it is as if we're very old friends already.

Since this is the first time I met him without the influence of alcohol, we had the priviledge to talk about his entries, our common friends and his SO.

I even got a free beer from them.

By 1 am, the rest of the ODDERs who confirmed their presence that night have arrived.

Konti lang kaming nagpakita, but we could already call it a major contingent. After waiting for 2 hours for XP to arrive since he would also be up with Promdi and McVie.

Dumating rin siya kasama ni Nate and Sonny.

Overboard, who made a scene in Malate several weeks ago, also showed up with his buddy. He said, they patched their difference and were happily living together again.

Bench, who was never a no-show during the Star Wars Contingent came with Julius, Glendel and Oliver. Carlo, who is the most artistically challenged among us was also there with his signature get-up.

And finally, there was Felix "Dakath". He was a member of our group ever since but this was the first time we saw him. Too bad, he came when ODDERs was already in its twilight.

---

I was so moved by the moment that in an impulse, I texted Rommel wishing that it would have been better if he was with us.

After all, we have always been a show during this kind of events, and most of the time, he was our organizer. It's been a year but none of us has the charisma to reach to all of us like he did before.

A moment later he replied back:

"I'll just live Malate through you."

And that was it... In between his words, I just felt a cold emptiness rushing deep within me.

---

I could very well remember that it was he who made our Malate nights fabulous. We used to terrorize bars with our huge numbers when we meet there. He may have his own agenda at Bath and Mister Piggy's but he is Omeng

And he connects us all.

This was the reason why, whenever I go party. Whenever we have a relatively big contingent or whenever there's in trouble among us, he'd always pops up in my mind

Wishing he was with us.

Tonight was a big moment for the group. If only he was here at the party, the experience would have been very very different.

---

It was already 1:30. I was busy crossing the street to hang out with the blogger boys on the other side and the Odders on the opposite.

I told them before I arrive that I won't stay that long, but because I was already enjoying the scene, ako naman ang ayaw na magpaawat.

The people kept arriving with no signs of thinning out. I saw a lot of familiar faces whom I've never seen in years.

I discovered that McVie was actually a great host, and Promdi a very interesting person. For the first time, I finally hanged out with the Manhood guys.

I never thought that this party would be much much better than last year.

And it was just the beginning.

Heaven's Eve

Day Remembered.

This was the day when we said our formal goodbyes to Omeng before he flew to the US. It was a White Party then and gay people are converging at Malate for this once a year event.

I remember the searchlights beaming up in the sky while we crossed the Nagtahan Bridge. Bench even commented that Malate was calling the Sangkabadingan around the metro.

It was a night to be remembered. A painful episode to a three-year history of my awakening in that fabulous place.

---

The year was 2002.

I was barely a homosexual then. Roy and I were drinking a San Mig Light we bought from Cognac along Bocobo. We had no idea then that it was the eve of the White Party. Ironically, we were both wearing white shirts.

No wonder we were already tagged by everyone, while we were unaware that such party takes place along Orosa.

---

The year was 2003.

The Odders was still a figment of James' imagination. I can't really remember what happened during this White Party but Im sure that Phanks and I made it to the scene. But yeah... I think we arrived too early for the party. I'm not so sure if I accompanied phanks to his place and returned to the party, or we slept together and forget the whole shebang.

You see, I think I'm more active during the Black Party every Halloween. After all, it always rain during this event.

---

And finally, it was only last year when I had seen the last big party.

We had a huge contingent at Malate only to break up into smaller groups after we arrived. I remembered how chaka the platform was, and how boring the gogoboys were. I left early, disappointed at how BED managed the event.

---

Today, it will be another year for the White Party.

And I won't attend this time.

You see, the White Party was the last big event when we had Rommel with us. The wound of his departure is still fresh in my heart, especially now...

When I can't feel that were still a group like we used to be before.

Besides, I have a duty the following morning so I'm sure that even though I would make it, I would not enjoy it like I used to do every Friday nights.

---

And this morning, I partied and drank hard so that by tonight, I won't have any reason to leave the house and join the entire queerdom celebrate unity in those perky streets of Malate.

Despite the heavy downpour, Roy, Pilip and I managed to drag our asses in Megamall to meet John (Tiburcio) for the first time.

After our new friend left, we watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The two boys were disappointed at how impossible the story was, but for me, at least I had a good glimpse of my super-crushie, Brad Pitt.

As usual, it was a great night.

A great night to remember that at least, a night in my week would always be exclusive to me only.

---

We had a drinking session beside Shangri-La Shaw before we called it a night. I on the other hand flew immediately to Malate wishing that BED won't be empty last night.

And to my surprise, despite the anticipated party tonight. It was still jampacked.

I am now downloading a track, which DJ Toy Armada usually includes in his playlist.

---

Between 2002 and today, my gay life has been drastically changed by several notable turning points. I wonder, what will be my White Party look like in the following years.

Well who knows...

I just wished that it won't rain tonight like it did last night.

So that those would attend will have a very memorable Heavenly experience.

Between War And Peace

"wag ka naman po ganyan... nasasaktan napo ako. MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL PO KTA. patawad po..."




The standoff is over.. he surrendred
And this is the reason why how difficult ours is
we mostly likely end up always
intact.

And the chat thing last night,
I logged off shortly before agreeing to meet
up with someone who lives close to my house.

Im not ready for it.
no matter how my mind tempts me.

Between a quick fuck and a long term relationship
I'd always stick to the latter. As always,
my belief is,
relationship comes very few times in
a one's lifetime.

Dry Run

If phanks and I break up,
I now know where I would run to...


#salsalan


looking for sex
to forget the pain and loneliness
of living without a planet
to orbit.

Global Superpower

Konting konti na lang, bibili na ako ng pirated version ng WindowsXP. At pag-aaralan ang pag-iinstall nito pati na rin ang pagcoconfigure ng operating system ng computer ko. Magpapacomputer hard/software geek na ako para everytime na nacocorrupt ang XP ko,

Hindi ako nababaliw para maghanap ng technician para mag-ayos nito.

In less than two months, naka-ilang pagpapaayos na ba ako?

Hindi ko na mabilang...

---

Hinanda ko na yung statement of accounts ko for Globe during the last two months.

I've been a loyal subscriber ever since I got my phone. Pero feeling ko, taken for granted ako. Sa 2K kong monthly bill, all I get is an obsolete phone samantalang yung iba, out of this world ang perks na natatanggap nila.

This is it.

I've been talking to a Smart Customer Service Officer the last time I paid my Globe Bill.

I will move to another service provider.



Fuck loyalty when they can't appreciate your faithfullness.

Falls Apart

When I wrote my previous entry about the possible outcome of things when GMA get booted out of office, I never expected how close I am on predicting that some regions of the nation might actually call for Independence if situation in the government becomes worse.

From inQ7.net

Muslims Asked To Back Call For Independence

COTABATO CITY-The Philippine Council for Islam and Democracy (PCID) Tuesday urged Muslims to support calls for Mindanao independence as a political alternative amid the wiretapping controversy and other issues hounding the Arroyo administration.

Amina Rasul, PCID chair, said the country's over 10 million Muslims have to take a stand amid the scandal, "lest they (the Manila government) forget to address the Mindanao problem."
Rasul said new calls for independence by local government officials of Davao and Ilocos signaled "desperation on the part of the people."

In a statement, the PCID said Muslim organizations and individuals should heed any serious call for an independent Mindanao.

"What has Mindanao been getting from being part of this country, anyway? Poor share of the fruits of national development? Social, economic and political instability?" Rasul asked.
But Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte said Mindanao should only declare independence if anarchy rules in the capital.

Duterte, President Macapagal-Arroyo's anti-terror adviser, said he would take action when necessary, adding that "we are not ready to talk about it yet because the conditions are not yet ripe."

Last week, Duterte met with former Davao del Norte Rep. Pantaleon Alvarez and discussed calls for the establishment of a Mindanao republic.

Contrary to calls by Ms Arroyo's other allies and critics, Duterte said the President should just keep quiet on the "Hello Garci" tapes.

"She should not answer it," Duterte said.

He said the President's critics would only find more issues to confront her with once she answers allegations that she worked with Election Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano to ensure her victory during the elections.

"All the issues are manufactured by them, so why will she answer? Let them prove their case," Duterte said.

Office Chorvanelles

Lahat na ata ng klase ng tao makikita mo sa work namin.

Meron straight na cute, straight na maganda, matandang masungit na lesbian, punk rocker na tsik. transexual na magaling mag sex-talk. bading na laging may problema sa boyfriend, bading na kasing laki ni soxy topacio... at recently, trainee na nahuli kong nagbukas ng webcam sa yahoo niya at ang laman...

Dalawang kano na nagmu-mutual masturbation

Sino ba namang bading sa office ang hindi matatalbugan dun.

---

Nakakatawa kasi tandang tanda ko pa, ito yung isa sa mga wish ko nung nagstastart pa lang ako magjobhunting.

Although wala pa akong nakakarelate ng husto sa kanila, masarap pagmasdan yung diversity sa amin.

Masarap ring pagmasdan yung mga cutie doon sa afternoon at night shift. Badtrip nga lang di ko sila ganung makakabonding.

Higit sa lahat, masarap magbukas ng YM buong duty. At least hindi ako napapraning dun sa ginagawa ko.

Marami pa akong mga PEx friends na nagiging chatmate.

---

Career wise, medyo adjusted na ako.

Yun nga lang nung isang linggo medyo lumitaw ang kashongaan ko ng medyo na-attach ako dun sa bi-guy na noong mga first days ko sa office, eh pilit akong pinapatira sa mga kasex niyang lalaki habang tinitira rin siya sa pwet.

Lately, medyo nagiging personal at malalim yung chat namin. Ganun pala yun, habang marami kang nalalaman sa kanya, lalo siyang nagiging special sayo.

Buti na lang at gerlash ang persona ko. Kundi baka masipa lang ako sa work dahil sa kabobahan ko.

---

Eventually natapos rin yung affair-affairan ko sa bisexual na yun.

Nung isang araw kasi medyo nagkaroon ng problema ang network nung client namin so kahit anong response namin sa text nila, di nila matanggap yung reply namin.

Eh sobrang balisa ako kasi di kami magka-usap sa text. Kung pwede lang sana gamitin ko na lang yung YM para i - chat siya pero bawal rin sa amin eh.

Bigla bigla, nagsend siya ng text na ganito.



"Any hot ladies available tonight? Me and several hot guys over here needs some fun sex tonight."


Para akong nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig doon sa sinabi niya.

Matapos na magpangakuan kami ng loyalty sa isa't isa. Matapos kong bigyan siya ng priority sa mga text messages, ganun lang pala ang mangyayari.

Di lang ako naka-contact ng isang araw pinagpalit na niya ako sa iba.

---

For several seconds, na upset rin ako kahit paano.

Tao lang naman ako para di masaktan eh. Ako pa, eh vulnerable rin ako kahit paano.

Siguro, nanghihinayang lang ako kasi kahit paano, marami na rin siyang na-confide sa gerlash kong persona. At marami na ring nasabing sweet nothings ang gerlash kong persona sa kanya.

Mula noong sinabi niya yun. Marahil nakarating rin sa kanya yung nagpatong patong kong mga text messages na inaattempt kong makarating sa kanya noong umaga pa lang.

Siguro na-guilty rin ang mokong dun sa pinagtetext niya... kung hindi makakapal ang fez nila.

Ako naman, medyo nagising sa katotohanan na trabaho lang to, kahit ang gerlash kong persona bawal makipagpersonalan.

Umuwi ako ng bahay kahapon, wala ng attachments sa puso ko.

Das Kapital

Ever since the GloriaGate scandal, my stand was far far different from my mom and my activist sister. They cannot understand why, a critical person like me would openly support GMA and close my eyes to the reality.

But the truth is, they really dont know. Its my principle that tells me to close my eyes so that I can see only black in my eyes.

I am basing my decision to my Kapit Sa Patalim principle. I can't fight this war so I have to join them.

---

Actually, the truth is I believe that GMA cheated last elections. I was for FPJ then.

I know that she used all her powers to manipulate everything just for her to win. And now that the truth has been revealed, her evil actions would haunt her for the rest of her life.

Imagine to be a hated president... no wait, imagine to be a cursed president for 6 years. I think thats a good punishment enough.

---

Opposition are always talking of booting her out of office. But how? Have another snap elections? Where will we get millions of pesos for that, now that our economy is in shambles? Be ruled by a junta? I would rather stand butt naked on top of Edsa Shrine and make an eksena than to be ruled by the fucking military.

No, by all means, I want GMA to stay.

Theres no alternative.

---

Besides, once the foreign expats felt that our situation turns worse, they would pack up overnight leaving millions of Yuppies (e.g. Call Center Agents and other Outsourcing Professionals) jobless. Once these people become jobless, our very very delicate service economy would collapse. Millions of laborers (e.g. the service support crews) would loose their jobs too.

In the end, we might see a further social collapse if the government falls.

We might have a civil war in our midst since everyone would like to grab the power for themselves.

Some provinces and regions might declare their independence overnight just to escape the maelstrom.

I might see a Federation of Visayas or Republic of Cebu in the future...

Well, poor us.

Thanks to those greedy political whores who takes advantage of every situation that would let them gain big for themselves.

Filipinos are not yet ready for another Edsa Revolution. Everyone is already weary.

People dont trust the system anymore.

Let history judge our time.

Mid-June Malate Eksena Blues

Friday ng gabi, plano kong umatak ng Malate.

Matapos ihatid si Phanks sa Monumento, sinubukan kong magtext ng mga taong maari kong makasama sa night out. Since walang naka-sked na contingent ngayon, expected ko nang kalat-kalat ang lakad ng mga odders.

Wish ko sana isama si Joy, ang gerlash na nakilala ko sa loob ng BED. Pero ang hirit ng babae, lasheng na daw siya at gusto niya ng totoong lalaki for a change.

So kabog ako dun. Di na ako nagtextback sa kanya pagkatapos.

---

Habang binabaybay ng FX ang kahabaan ng Rizal Avenue, biglang may dumating na business card sa akin. Yun ang number ni McVie na nahingi ko kay XP noong hapon pa lang.

So text kaagad ako kay Marce. Reply siya after a few minutes, sabi niya nasa work pa daw siya at may tinatapos na trabaho. So sa isip ko, mukhang solo talaga ako...

Gudlak na lang sa akin.

---

Dumating ako ng Pedro Gil ng maga-alas onse. First stop ko ay yung PNB sa tabi ng PGH para magwithdraw ng perang pang-gimik. Tapos nun, tumuloy ako sa favorite naming internet cafe ni Phanks para isulat yung dalawang entry ko sa baba.

Hatinggabi, nag decide akong mag-log out.

Habang palakad papuntang Orosa, ramdam na ramdam ko yung lungkot ng gumigimik mag isa. Di na nga ako katulad ng dati na ok lang sa akin rumampage mag-isa. Advantage pa nga sa akin yun sa Mint eh. At wag ka masayang masaya noon kapag nagsosolo ako.

Kagabi, habang naglalakad sa Pedro Gil, bumabagabak sa isip ko ang maraming bagay; ang worry na baka magkamali na ako nung gabing yun; ang pagde-delete ng blog ni James at ang pakiramdam ko ng pangungulila; ang pagkamiss sa dati-rati naming contingents; ang usapan namin ni Omeng na laging nauuwi sa famous line niyang "everything changes."

Wala lang, habang naglalakad ako, parang sinasampal-sampal ako pabaliktad nung "everything changes" na yun.

Naglalakad ako sa isang kantong hindi nagbabago ng pangalan, pero lahat ng nasa paligid ko ay patuloy na nagbabago.

---

Nakarating rin ako ng Orosa bandang huli. Rampage kaagad ako sa BED kahit alam kong konti pa lang ang tao dun.

Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang, unang tumambad sakin yung isang type kong lalaki noon pa na sobrang galing talaga sumayaw. Actually, nung una isang dahilan kung bakit turned on ako sa kanya eh dahil mukha siyang tigasin. Pero kagabi nung narinig ko yung boses niya, lumitaw ang buong katotohanan na tukling pala siya.

Pero sa galing talaga niya gumiling saka mag project ng katawan eh hindi ako na turn off kahit ganun pa siya.

Umakyat ako sa taas para i-check kung dugyutin ba ako o keri lang. Sa may hallway, meron akong nakitang super angas na guy na may hikaw sa kanyang brow. Siguro mga mid to late 20s na siya at mag-isang umiinom ng beer doo malapit sa exit door. Di naman siya kagwapuhan kung tutuusin, pero super turn on talaga sa kanya yung pagiging maangas niya.

Kaya naman kapag tumitig ako eh parang tutunawin ko siya ng mga mata ko.

Ilang beses rin akong nagpadaan daan sa harap niya para tingnan mabuti yung mukha niya... at god! sa bawat pagdaan ko, lalong lumalakas yung appeal niya.

---

Umexit muna ako ng BED since wala pa namang nangyayaring aksyon dun. Bet kong pumunta sa Cognac para bumili ng 20 pesos na San Mig Light. Pagdating ko dun, nagulat ako dahil sarado siya. Siguro nalugi na yung tindahan o kung hindi man, baka naguunder renovation. Sinubukan ko rin sa Ministop kung mura ang San Mig Light, pero sa kamalas-malasan, mataas pa rin ng 8 pesos ang presyo ng beer nila.

So nauwi na lang ako sa may Squidball-an dun sa may kanto ng Nakpil at Orosa.

Feel na rin kasi ng sikmura ko mag strike at dahil may ulcer ako, kelangan kong sumang-ayon sa CBA ng tiyan ko kundi baka mauwi pa ako sa ER ng PGH.

---

Matapos kumain ng squidballs, balik ako ng BED. Noong binuksan ko yung phone ko. Nagulat ako dahil may isang message.

Isip ko naman, baka si Phanks lang at nagsesenti na naman sa akin, o kaya naman nanay ko at hinanap na ako kung nasaang lupalop na naman ako nagsuot.

Pero yun pala, nagtext si McVie. Bet daw niya mag-unwind kaya aatak rin siya sa Malate.

Nang dahil dun, bigla akong umakyat dun sa elevated platform katapat ng ledge. Medyo sinipag akong humataw nang nalaman kong may friend akong makakarating.

---

Nagkataon naman na halos isang tao lang ang pagitan namin ni super crush kong bading na nakaka-turn on sumayaw. Tawagin na lang nating si gaydancer since most likely eh ma-eencounter ko ulit siya sa mga susunod na buwan. As in, super grabe talaga kasi dalang-dala ng maliit at may kapayatan niyang katawan yung beat ng music. Makikita mo pa sa expressions ng mukha niya na talagang ninanamnam niya yung mga bawat galaw ng katawan niya.

After 45 minutes, surprise! surprise! nakita kong nandun na rin si Mcvie malapit sa lugar ko.

So yun, tsikahan a little, then kuha siya ng beer. Ako naman, lalong lumapit kay Gay Dancer para mapagmasdan siyang sumayaw.

Actually, di rin naman talaga malakas ang appeal ni gaydancer lalo na kung itatapat mo dun sa guy na nakita ko sa taas. Siguro, sobrang turn on lang ako dito sa kanya kasi nga, sa bawat giling ng katawan niya, feeling ko, ang sarap sarap siguro niya dikitan at I-dirty dance.

Naalala ko kasi sa kanya kung paano ako magsayaw at makipagsayaw sa Mint at Mister Piggys noon.

---

Eventually, medyo nakakita ng mga friendly friends tong si McVie kaya medyo nagkahiwalay kami ng lugar for the meantime.

Habang ako naman eh lalong palapit ng palapit sa lugar kung saan sumasayaw si gaydancer nang biglang..

Bingo! nagkatapat kami ng lugar ni gaydancer dahil may tinapatang iba yung nagsasayaw sa tapat niya before sa akin. Nasa harap siya habang napwesto ako sa likod niya.

At timing na timing rin dahil pabilis na ng pabilis ang beat ng music sa BED nung mga time na yun kaya hayun...

Namalayan ko lang na nagkakadikit na ang mga katawan namin hanggang sa hinawakan niya yung mga binti ko at hinawakan ko yung bewang niya.

At naging isa ang ritmo ng sayaw naming dalawa.

---

Nung time na yun, naglalaro sa isip ko kung tama ba yung ginagawa ko. Tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung may control pa ba ako sa nangyayari, Pero quever na lang kung ano ang sabihin nila. Matagal ko nang iniintay ang mga sandaling yun kaya game na game naman ako habang ginagawa namin yun.

For the first time, tinanggal ko lahat ng inhibitions sa sarili ko.

Hinawakan niya yung kamay ko, habang ako naman eh lalong bumababa ang giling. Naamoy ko yung balikat niya...

Ay.... amoy pawis... parang di ko ata feel yun.

Kaya napaatras ako ng kaunti. Tumingin siya sakin habang sinusundan ng ulo niya yung beat ng kanta.

Ako naman, nagpaka-chinito eyes habang ginagaya siya para naman lalo akong magmukhang maangas kahit konti.

Makaraan ang ilan pang minuto, bumaba na si gaydancer. Siguro nag-CR or something, pero ako solb na solb na sa nangyari sa amin.

---

Di na siya bumalik dun sa lugar ko. Yung mga kasama niyang mga baklita eh sumunod na rin sa kanya. Pero bago sila nawalang lahat. Nakausap ko yung isa sa mga kasama niya. Pinsan pala niya yun.

Sabi ko sa pinsan niya, "tell your cousin that he's a great dancer." At ngumiti naman yung pinsan niya.

Nung gabing yun, medyo humataw ako sa platform kasama si Mcvie.

Ilang beses rin ako lantarang nangisda ng lalaki na conciously gusto kong isayaw kagabi.

At Ilang beses rin ako pilit iniisda kagabi, salamat na lang at di ko type ang kagandahan nila.

Mga bandang alas kwarto, nagstrike na naman ang sikmura ko. Hindi na rin ako makagiling at masakit na rin ang paa ko kaya sumandal na lang ako dun sa may tabi ng DJs booth. Sa tabi ko, nagkukumpulan yung mga barakong bading na sa sobrang tatangkad at laki ng katawan, sa tangkad kong 5"9 eh lumilitaw na bansot pa rin ako.

Sa tapat ko naman eh nagconverge yung grupo na mukhang tuwing nandun sila eh parang naka-ecstasy, handun sila, nagwawala lalo na yung gerlash na maliit na laging nakabuntot sa kanila. Yung mga tao namang nakapalibot sa kanila eh nagspre-spread out na, sandali na lang kasi at baka magpapadyak na itong si babae...

Kaya tumalikod na lang ako at pinagmasdan si Toy Armada habang nagspi-spin sa DJs Booth. Kagabi, naka-white tank top lang siya na may nakasulat na BED sa harap. In fairness kay ateh Bernz, talaga namang pumuputok ang pandesal sa chest nitong si Toy, habang nakikisakay siya sa beat ng music na pinapatugtog niya.

For a moment, narealize ko na mismong ang DJ ng BED ay nagrerepresent sa mga crowd na nakikiparty sa kanila.

No wonder, dumaan na ang dalawang taon and still, BED remains stronger than ever.

---

Mga bandang alas 4:30, lumabas na ako ng nasabing club. Masaket na talaga ang sikmura ko.

Habang naglalakad malapit sa Komiks, meron akong nakitang grupo ng mga bading na nagtsitsikahan.

Sa narinig kong tsika nung isa, meron daw nangyaring eksena sa NYC nung gabi ring yun. Sabi niya, meron daw dalawang bading, mukha daw magsyota na gumawa ng eskandalo dahil ata nagseselos yung lalaki dun sa ex nung bakla.

Hayun daw, lumipad ata ang mga bote at nagkahampasan pa ng lamesa. Grabe daw mag-away ang mga bakla, para daw lalaking lalaki talaga.

Ako naman, napangiti na lang. Wish ko lang, hindi ko sila kakilala.

Pero sabagay, for a time eh gumawa rin ako ng eskandalo sa Orosa dahil kay Yul.

Kung medyo naging mas matindi yung mga nangyari noon mga panahong yun, mahe-headline siguro sa malate na may isang bading na nakipagrambulan sa mga gym-buff na mga bakla dahil sa kanyang... syotang bading.

What a news!

---

Pasakay na ako ng taxi nang biglang may sumitsit sa akin...

Ang potah, si Yul pala ang sumisitsit na yun. Lasing at sumusuray-suray na lumapit sa akin.

Unang hirit niya, bakit daw di ko sinagot yung message niya sakin sa friendster samantalang tapos na naman ang namamagitan sa aming dalawa.

Gusto ko sana sabihin sa kanya na dedma lang ako dun sa message na pinadala niya. Di ko lang siya feel pansinin.

In the first place, nagkaroon na naman kami ng closure eh. Ano pang sense, o business ko na i-continue ko ang contact ko sa kanya kung sa totoo lang eh hindi naman talaga kami naging tropa?

Naging boyfriend ko lang siya.

---

Anyway, ang friendster issue na yun eh nauwi pa sa mas malalaking isyu. Kesyo daw, bakit nakita niya yung ex niya na tropa ko tapos dinedma lang siya. Bakit daw lahat ng lumabas sa bibig ko tungkol sa kanya eh puro hindi maganda kapag kinukwento ko sa mga tropa ko na naging lover niya.

Sa sobrang daming emotional baggage na binuhos niya sakin, nasabi ko na lang sa kanya na: "Akala ko ba may closure na tayo???"

Yun lang.

Bigla bigla, umiyak si bakla. Sabi niya, tao lang daw siya para hindi masaktan at dadalhin daw niya lahat ng sinabi kong di maganda sa kanya hanggang sa tumanda siya. Hirit pa niya, siya daw eh wala ni isang masama na sinabi sa akin.

Sabagay, between me and him, taena, wala siyang mahihirit na naging pagkukulang ko.

At grabe ha, nagpapaguilty effect pa.

Actually hindi ko alam talaga kung saan napunta yung usapan namin. Umabot talaga ako sa point na gusto ko nang mag-walk out dahil masakit na ang tiyan ko, inaantok na ako, at heto ang ex ko na biglang kung ano anong drama ang tinatalak sakin.

In the end, kami naman ang gumagawa ng eksena sa Orosa. At ang mga bading na galing ng BED, mega watch sa drama namin.

Grabe! Buti na lang ang nandun yung mga tropa ni Yul at least, medyo napipilitan pa akong magcompose ng sarili ko. Isa pa, nung mga oras rin kasing yun eh pinapauna na niya yung mga kasama niya. Medyo concerned ako sa ginagawa niyang yun, iba ang naglalaro sa utak ko.

Kapapanood ko lang kasi nung isang episode ng Sex In The City noong isang linggo. Dun sa episode na yun, nagkaroon lang ng totoong closure si Carrie Bradshaw kay Aidan nung nagsex sila.

Hindi kaya yun rin yung ipinapahiwatig ni Yul nung mga time na yun... Sex with ex??? freaky ha.

---

Mga past 6, lumabas na rin si McVie at naabutan pa kaming nag-uusap doon sa Orosa. Wish ko sanang sumabay na sa kanya pero ayaw talaga akong paalisin ni ex dun sa kinatatayuan namin.

Sa huli, sumabay na lang ako sa mga tropa niya para mapilitan siyang sumama sa amin. Deadma forever ako habang naglalakad kami, at pinipilit niya akong makipagusap sa kanya.

Eventually, may dumaang taxi sa tapat ko. Pinara ko na ito kaagad habang may kausap pa ni ex na kaibigan niya. Nung una, hinigit pa niya yung strap ng bag ko pero pinigilan na rin siya nung mga tropa niya.

Nakaalis ako ng Malate sa wakas. Kinuwento ko kay McVie ang nangyari.

In fairness naman kay Yul, sweet siya kung sa sweet. nagenjoy pati akong maging bot dahil sa kanya at higit sa lahat may naging mga biases rin naman ako. Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko, na-close ko na sa sarili ko ang tungkol sa amin.

Wala na ang multo niya.

At tama ang sinabi ko kaninang gigising siyang nakalimutan lahat ng eksena namin kanina.

---

Mga Quarter before 7, natutulog na ako sa bahay.

Eulogy

Farewell Noli Me Tanggero.

Your pages all gone, now, its like a part of me has been erased.

For years, I was following your every story. You were my inspiration while I was building my own phankspace. Yours was my security blanket, my direct communication to your author, the link that binds me to whatever I cherish about our common past.

It was you who finally convinced me to move from PEx to blogspace, leaving our old world empty and deserted.

You were the one who lead a pack of men to create their own blogs so that they could follow you and your great and awesome life story. But as we tend to gravitate into our own worlds

Your loss made sure that such gravitation would disconnect us even further...

But you know what, you inspired a lot of people to reveal themselves in this cyber journal we call ours. You have created a huge following among us, even if we never mention it to you.

I know, popularity has a price to pay, but your lost made a lot of orphans who used to look up to your blog.

But, its your decision to close it down. And I accept it.

Well this is indeed the end.

---

Paalam. Maraming salamat sa pagbabahagi ng kwento mo kaibigan.

Naught Unmasked

If it was a different situation. I would call that my first real date.

Usapan namin ni Pilip, tutulungan ko lang siyang gumawa ng resume niya. Pero dahil nagawa na pala niya ang resume niya at na-set ko na ang venue namin sa Vito Cruz, kung saan nasa area lang ang school ni Phanks, nagdecide na lang kami mag-hang out sa Pizza Hut para makapagkwentuhan.

Si Pilip ang una naming na-recruit ni Roy mula PEx. Tawag nga namin sa kanya eh import kasi lagi namin siyang kasama sa contingent pero hindi naman siya officially ODDERs. Sabi ko nga kay Mel kaninang nagchat kami sa YM, kapag nagkita-kita kaming tatlo, most likely may nabubuong contingent kinagabihan.

Pero kanina, iba ang nangyari. Since nasa Bataan si kumpareng Roy at nagluluksa sa kanyang pumanaw na lolo, kaming dalawa lang ni import ang nagkita. Hetong si Pilip eh masyadong mababa ang tolerance sa init kaya hayun, nauwi kami sa Pizza Hut dahil katapat lang ito ng lugar na aming pinagkitaan.

Sa totoo, ang ganda ng venue. Medyo may pagka-romantic na ewan. Sabi niya treat niya ko, pero ako naman nahiya dahil in the first place, di naman kami super close pa nung tao. Sa loob ng dalawang oras, nagkwentuhan lang kami tungkol sa buhay niya. Kahit paano kasi, medyo unique ang background nitong lalaking to kumpara sa karamihan sa kasama ko.

Kung titingnan mo si Pilip, imposibleng ma-detect siya ng gaydar mo. As in. Sabagay, kasi naman technically straight siya kahit na ilang beses pa niya sabihin na turned on siya sa guy na litaw ang puting brief sa pantalon. Tanungin mo siya at sasabihin niyang ang last sex niya eh tsiks. Pero dalhin mo siya sa BED at hindi siya mahihiyang sumama sayo.

Kanina, napagkwentuhan namin yung tungkol sa huli niyang lovelife, yung girl na naka-live in niya, yung muntikan niyang mapakasalan, yung technique niya para di mabuntis yung girlfriend niya, yung nakaraang buhay ko. Everything.

Nakwento niya sa akin yung reason kung bakit gusto niyang umalis sa trabaho. Yung role niya as the breadwinner sa family niya. Ang pagiging strict at disciplinarian niya as the family man and as a former professor. Ang pagiging genius niya sa math.

Nalaman ko rin yung music taste niya, na exactly kaparehong kapareho sa akin, mga books niya, ang favorite hobby niyang manood ng sine, ang trabaho niya sa opisina.

Kulang na lang malaman ko rin pati favorite color niya.

---

After kong magkaroon ng buddy, ngayon ko lang nagawa makipagbond sa isang PLU na hindi ko pa naman ganun ka kilala. Marami akong natutunan sa kanya, at masaya akong kahit paano, nagkaroon siya ng personality beyond sa usual na gimmick at contingent na kasama namin siya.

It was a date and I really enjoyed having that time with him.

Pero after so many years, ngayon ko lang narealize na ang date pala eh pwede mo ring gawin sa kaibigan. All throughout, iba ang naging meaning at sense sa akin ng date.

---

Sa pagbalik ni Roy galing Bataan, meron na akong bagong tsika sa kanya.

On The First Day Of Creation, God Made Sure, We Will Never Be Alone...

Artist's conception of the newly discovered planet around Gliese 876 -- it is shown as a hot, rocky, geologically active world glowing in the deep red light of its nearby parent star. Credit: Trent Schindler, National Science Foundation.

Chain

It's good when u have someone to hug while you sleep at night.
The best part of love is to love and be loved in return.
Step out of the closet and believe that theres nothing wrong with being a non-straight
I had a sly smile when dancing at Mint during my days of singlehood.
Turn it on and you will hear that I am playing Rachel Yamagata at the moment
Don't mess with my batutuy cause it gets very stiff when angry and spits something sticky when agitated by some naughty hands.
I love the way I feel when I am on top of a very tall skyscraper, on a sunset and looking at the breathtaking view of Manila as the sunlight gradually fades into the darkness.
There were lots of flowers in Dangwa, one afternoon, I will drop by the place and buy some to put in our vases.
The moment I laid eyes on en.wikipedia.org, I feel like all I need to know about almost everything there is to know about humanity can be found there.
Having a girl to girl sex text with an American is completely different than anything i've ever done!
When u find the right guy, dont expect him to be your ideal.
The dos and dont's of having casual sex: Dont treat your partner like an animal... you are having sex with a human.
The worst music i've heard so far are from slapshock and those other heavy metal bands who just scream the lyrics of their songs and call it music.
Large bold prints can seem to convey a subconcious message that calls the attention of people who sees it..

I hope Sealdi, RC, Phillip and Andrea do this for me

Knowing Thyself

Its been almost a week since I started my training and at this moment, I am slowly adapting.

Unlike during the first few days, my horniness level has decreased significantly. I am no longer thinking about SEBs and threesomes and some wild afternoon and nasty encounters with someone in the local chatrooms after I left the building. And also, the boner episodes I had at the floor gradually decreased as time progresses.

Still, there were some shortcomings on my part. The QA in Australia sent me a warning yesterday after I engaged in a littly "sexy" talk with a minor. All I've said was about giving breast milk to him and our imaginary kid. But it exploded into an issue, which almost cost me my beloved job.

However, my boss here in Manila assured me that everything is alright. After all, I've been engaging in sex talks most of the time so I can't really tell one from another. Today, I tried my best to stay focus on the job and avoid those pitfalls that happened yesterday.

---

During the depression of the moment, I decided to send a text message to Sir Ted just to make my presence felt. He used to be my supervisor during my 6-month stint in advertising.

Actually, its been almost two years since I left that career, but our communication lines remained strong throughout the years. Sir Ted replied. He was inviting me to become my former ad agency's PR writer again, which I politely declined.

After all, he was not connected with them anymore and the strongest reason why I would be willing to exchange whatever career I have for that piece of pie again is because of him.

After two years, a part of me is still following Sir Ted's footsteps.

---

I realized that in whatever career I take, my strongest reason to remain with the company and enjoy my work depends on the people I am working with.

Back at the ad agency, I was earning a little more than 3-5K a month but I was extremely enjoying it. The team, which comprises me, Arrjae and Sir Ted - all princesses of course, have managed to run the PR department efficiently and effectively.

Of course, it took months before I have completely adjusted to their environment, but in the end, I enjoyed every moment of it.

---

It was also the scene during my last few months with SENCOR. I was so bonded with my lesbian-in-closet supervisor, that I never exchanged my hellish job with a far more better career because somehow, I am enjoying her company.

Too bad, dad died which abruptly ended my contract with them.

---

I think Im not really into the compensation. I think that I tend to gravitate with regards to my consideration in accepting a job offer if I work with a group that at least could allow me some connection with the people Im working with.

I bet, if ever I will work for someone again in the near future, probably I would work best with a lady superior officer, or much better, an approachable PLU boss, that complements with the lifestyle and mindset I have.

Because, I feel that when I have to work for someone who shares the same blood with me, we are actually proving something not just to the company, but to the entire universe as well:

---



That PLUs are superior than ordinary straight men.



---

Yesterday, Sir Ted and I met. We went to the ad agency because he had a meeting with the director.

After that, he told me to expect a call from him. He wants me to become his freelance PR writer because he believed that he is much more comfortable working with me than with anyone else.

Which reminded me of a time, when I was the one eager to carry those huge give aways he prepared to lifestyle editors, when there were messengers who could do it for me;

Which reminded me of how Arrjae and I worked as partners for a PR campaign we have to present to a client.

Ahhh... those were the fabulous days.

---

As my life goes, I think that I will have the best time of my life if I could become a lifestyle writer for a magazine or broadsheet. I never wanted to be a hard news reporter. I had the chance of my life when I was asked to report back to Manila Times after I graduated.

Too bad, I was so engrossed with the publications when they called me.

If not a writer for lifestyle papers, my second option is to become involved in advertising. The PR job allowed me to have a taste of what it can offer to make my life more glamourous and fabulous as ever. If I would become part of the right people of course.

I had my chance 2 years ago. Unfortunately, it wont happen again with the ad agency since they are, like many businesses in the country, are in the red right now.

Of course, my biggest factor would be the people I would be working with. I can always find a new job if I would have problems with my officer.

---

Anyway, the brief encounter I had last night with the advertising and PR world is one hell of a good vibes!

It temporarily allowed me to forget that,

Fuck, I am an international cyber-slut.

Confessions Of The Real Model

It has begun.

Three days after I started my training, I felt that my libido has increased two-fold. I think Ive never been this horny before (except during full moons) and it is beginning to affect my discipline and control.

I was assigned for the second shift during the last two days. Before I report for work then, I ensure that I have "done" my thing at home to avoid getting a boner while on the floor.

But I my job is to be the talker. I have to imagine the things that I am writing on my PC screen in order to arouse my text mates' senses. However, it tends to arouse me too.

I was assigned for the first shift today. And it did change my performance drastically. Though I am a natural nocturnal person, I am more energized and motivated to work during mornings.

And it showed on my output this morning.

---

Just after three days I broke not only my own record but the record of everyone when it comes to the number text messages sent.

I sent 653 messages during my whole shift. I have an excess of 371 since our quota is around 280 only. The reason for the huge output of message was because I engaged myself mostly with guys who are into text sex.

And those kind of texters would never stop texting you back the moment you have aroused them successfully.

Matinding dirty talk yun.

---

I told Papu the nature of my job.

He said he never heard of one before.

Truth is, I am really doubting whether this is really a job or some sort of chorva for people who need something that would allow them to earn money.

Sabagay, there are wannabe lawyers who works in call center. What makes me, a journalism graduate to use my skills in more unconventional ways?

But Of course, I know what you are thinking. I know too well the nature of my job in simple and plain terms. Truth is, it slowly frees my demons. What I sent this morning - all those replies never came from my sane self.

It came from my alter ego. Darkstar.

In another post, I will tell you who he is and how he affected my life.

---

However, what really concerns me is that am I doing it correctly, or Im fucking everyone around me.

Boss said that he's just waiting for the mandatory "training" to end. But as a text operator, I have already got the job.

He said, "bastos na daw ako para sa trabaho." I never understood what he meant. But it did bother me.

---

Sabagay, libog at malalim na pang unawa ang kapital mo dito sa work namen. Kelangan mong maging imaginative, creative at emphatic pagdating sa words mo para ganahan yung kausap mo.

Sa totoo, limited pa rin ang vocabulary ko. Marami pa rin akong wrong grammars sa mga texts. Bilib nga ako dun sa mga Australian counterparts namin eh. Sila talaga mastered na nila yung mga responses at pambobola nila.

---

Walong oras ako tigas na tigas kanina.

Badtrip nga eh, baka may nakakita sa aking pinipisil si batutuy kasi aroused rin ako sa mga sinasabi ko. Sensya na, pervert lang talaga ako. The more na nasty yung mga sinasabi sakin, mas lalo akong natuturn on. Buti na lang wala akong katabi.

Minsan, gusto ko tuloy itanong sa mga kasama ko lalo na dun sa mga straight na lalaki kung sila rin ba tinatablan ng libog sa trabaho namin. Nagwoworry tuloy ako kasi special case ang sa akin.

Pero hindi lahat, sex ang habol sayo. Gaya sa totoong buhay, merong pang-kama ka lang at meron rin namang totoong seryoso ang pakikitungo sayo.

Nakakaawa lang kasi bilang tao, nararamdaman mo yung need nila. Kahit alam mong peke lang yung mga "hugs at kisses" mo, na pa tweetums lang yung concern na binibigay mo sa ka-text mo, sa kanila big deal yun.

At alam mong big deal yun sa kanila kasi ikaw mismo, nagmemelt rin.

Merong isang guy, palibhasa hatinggabi sa US kaya nagsesenti sa akin. Sabi niya, kinuwento niya sa colleague niya na may kausap siya sa text na tsik na nakita niya sa ad.

Sabi ng kausap niya, phone sex trip lang ang trabaho namin habang tinatawanan yung guy na kausap ko. Sabi nung guy wala siyang pakielam, basta alam niyang totoo ang feelings na nararamdaman niya para sa akin (the girl) kahit pagtawanan pa siya ng lahat ok lang sa kanya.

Kahit dabyana pa ako (the gerl pa rin), di pa rin siya magbabago.

---

In some ways tinamaan ako dun. Hindi dahil sa mga sinasabi nung guy kundi dahil nanggaling rin ako sa ganun.

Bago ako natutong manligaw, kumantot at recently tsumupa, nainlove din ako sa tsiks na nakilala ko sa phone. Nabaliw rin ako sa text messages ng mga babaeng ka text ko to a point na masaya akong katabi ang phone ko sa kama habang nakahiga at nag-iintay sa text nila.

Dumaan ako sa ganun at masakit ang umasa.

Lalo na kung ang kausap mo pala sa kabila ay hindi ang girl na nasa ad, kundi maraming tao na nagtra-try pumasok sa persona at image nung model na kinababaliwan nila at pinagsasayangan nila ng pera para makausap.

Para makaramdam ng kaunting pagmamahal.

The Return of the "Live Show"

They are back in business.

After a hopeless meeting we had last week, the new financiers decided to open up the business again to defend their "boss" who lives by the river.

I could really kiss Atty. Sam Ong for this. Without his earth shaking revelations yesterday, the financiers won't be pressured to seek protection from institutions like us.

Now they are in control. And we're happy with that, even though we won't have any business with our publication anymore.

After all, my only wish even from the start is to see our staff surviving; my dad's legacy living on.

Even if we have to let go, just for the sake of making it survive on its own.

Lovingly Yours...

The world is full of sadness and many people would take the extremes just to have someone to talk to, to feel that they are needed and to have someone make them feel some sort of affection even if it comes in the form of a text message and from some woman that they won't never hug or kiss or have sex with in their lives.

That's what I've learned during my training. And it really did bothered me that I'll do a job that... I can never ever tell completely for the rest of my life.

Imagine this:

A lonely guy opens some adult magazine. Then he spots a tiny ad with a gorgeous and blond lady teasing guys to have a "chat" with them. There's number below that says every successful message cost 99 cents.

The chat would then go to a network of systems, jumping from continent to continent until it reaches...

you.

The first lines would probably be TAMIA or BRIONNA or some name of a lady they saw in the ad. You on the other hand, would try to fit into the picture of the lady in the magazine. The wilder their poses are, the clients are expecting you more to text dirtier on their phone.

During my first day, I forgot the number of dirty text messages I sent. I don't know how many guys did actually jack their cocks off as they read my responses and, how many guys did came out while having a sex-on-text (SOTEXT) with me.

Yeah, ladies and gentlemen. My job is to chat 8 hours a day. And part of my job is to act and think how a woman would pleasure a man, how they can be wild in person as they try to show their wildness in their splashed-out photos in the magazine ad.

And I did called a contingent, not because I was happy or proud with my new job... but how confused and upset I am with what I will be doing.

---

You see, when it comes to dirty chat, I used to be a master. I forgot how many times I did engage in a sex-on-net (SONNET) before, but generally I was good. I have already gauged my potentials even before I had the real thing.

I really don't know if the money i'll be getting is all worth it. The job already violated most of my rules of engagement. I even wondered if I really violated my relationship with phanks with that.

But of course, I will never tell him. Only my bRoDDErs and you guys really know the whole truth. I exchanged this for Convergys. And honestly, I don't know if it's a good trade at all. I just know that I'm good with it, and I am very much aware of why I am being paid for this.

Because so many people needed a little more affection... even if it's just artificial or sorta cybernetic only.

---

Anyway, not all of them are really dickheads. Some, even made my heart melt even if it's just for a moment.

You'd really be surprised how older guys know how to pleasure or talk dirty to a woman. In fact, I did paused for several times because I got a boner while having those dirty talks with some of them.

There were also guys who really needed companionship. I was so amazed when they responded extremely warmly when I send them messages that shows or exhibit some tinge of care and affection towards them. Maybe if I was in their shoes, I'd also feel very much cared for and needed when some stranger in my text would ask me how my day was and tells me to take care when leaving or going out of the house.

There was also a bisexual who'd love to make love to me (the woman) who imagines himself fucking me (the woman again) while being fucked by another guy. He said, he's very happy to share my pussy (the woman's pussy) with the other guy provided that my ass (the woman's ass) is only reserved for him.

There's this also a girl who'd always tell me (the lady she sends text messages to) that she'll cut her wrist open. This girl was so suicidal that everyone in the shift would just with that she commits suicide than bother us with her never ending depression bouts. But she really is a very nice and wholesome lady. I think this whole business enterprise will prove its worth if ever that girl would finally cast out her suicidal tendencies and lead a normal life with the help and inspiration from us, her text friends.

---

Actually, the control and the tension was the one that drained my energy. No wonder, when I appeared in the contingent, I really looked like hagard and exhausted. Indeed, giving care and affection to others, even if it's a mere impersonal one still affects your body and soul. No wonder, that most of my colleagues are straight. I bet, they don't get affected with the conversation.

Unlike me, who rather fits well with the talk, and is really prone to appreciating feelings as they appreciate mine...

---

The job is quite relaxed. In fact, an operator should really be relaxed in order to be focused on their chat session.

The boss is so great and emphatic, I can already worship him.

However, my biggest problem will always be, how can I tell anyone who is not open-minded that I work in an outsourcing company where my primary goal is to fit into the woman/man's shoes that I have to portray and giving everything... no holds barred.

In short simple words, I have become a cyber-GRO. I am being paid for by giving pleasure, care and affection to foreign people who need my services.

And I am being paid big for it.

The Silent Years

As projected, I have already retrieved almost 90% of my lost mp3s. I also found out that there are some CDs from my collection that are missing. Limewire also allowed me to add another 50 more mp3s to my collection.

---

For the nth time, we had a meeting last night about the future of my dad's late publishing company. This time, someone wants to buy out that said company. However mom and her partners won't agree to the idea.

If you'd ask me, I'd rather let it stay bankrupt this time. Nobody will buy those papers anyway.

---

The Sims2 was properly installed and is already working in my computer. However, I haven't played it yet due to the fact that I was engrossed the whole time in retrieving my lost files. Malalaro ko na lang siguro siya after its third expansion has already hit the markets.

---

Phanks stayed here last night. For the first time, the lyrics of the song "Tuwing Umuulan At Kapiling Ka" - Eraserheads remix suddenly made sense this morning after we... while it was raining cats and dogs outside.

---

Lastly, I've realized that the world is too uncaring and sad for a lot of people - not only here in the country but also around the world.

Imagine, there are people who would spend 99 cents just to send a text message to companies just to have someone to talk to.

And there are people who makes a living by just responding to their text messages. And mind you, they earn as much as a call center agent would earn.

You know what, after waiting for Convergys to call me back, someone took my interests away. I really don't know how would I tell people that I would earn a living by chatting 8 hours a day.

Yeah, I will become one of those text operators who's objective is to respond to sms messages of lonely and horny people around the world.

That will be my job.

And training starts this afternoon.

Report From The MotherBoard

Sir:

We are very pleased to report that our home-drive recovery efforts are making great strides and leaps.

From a ragtag data amounting to less than a gigabyte, we have now salvaged and recovered almost 80% of the information lost due to the accidental reformatting of our hard drive D:/ or what we often called J-Control.

Based from the assessment of our Music, Documents and Utilities Salvage Division or MDUSD, we lost more than half of our Mp3s from folders Light Alternative, Alterno-Rock, Pinoy Alternative and Club Nation. Our Eraserheads collection, as well as the After Image, Smashing Pumpkins and Goo Goo Dolls was completely erased from our hard drive. The Hip-Hop/RnB and the Oldies folder were completely eradicated as well.

As of our last count, we still need to recover 241 Mp3 files out of our previous 900-strong from external sources. However, praises to your visionary thinking, our Data Search Contingent discovered several of your CDs which contained megabites of data your burned as back-up eons before. In fact, one of the CDs they recovered contained all your priceless word documents from college and beyond. These cache of files saved us weeks of recovery and CD sorting in your CD Cases. We would also like to adore you for not erasing your sent folder in your Yahoo Mail, for it is there where we found the key that would unlock your total number of Mp3s listed in your hard drive.

Aside from this good news, we are also very happy to inform you that we seeked the assistance of a cyber-mage this afternoon, and his wisdom allowed us to finally execute Sims2 in our system. You can now tap and play this wonderful and awe-inspiring game whenever you want.

We have calculated that it would only take less than 2 days before we finally recover 95% of your lost files. As you can see, our data-controller teams have been working double shifts just to ensure that we would meet our deadline.

Lastly sir, our efforts would prove to be impossible without the assistance of...




This God-given software allowed us to extract (download) most of our lost mp3s in cyberspace in the fastest given time possible. However, our network to the matrix would just allow us limited data stream, so we seek a more powerful entity which is the DSL, that would allow us to make giant leaps in our project.

This is all for now sir. Indeed, the destruction of our hard drive left us crippled and almost lost. I believe that we should, from now on, take the necessary steps to further protect our priceless data from such accidents.

We will keep you posted for major developments.

Sincerely:



Imogen Cyberdrone One
Imogen-XP, Windows

The Morning After They Destroyed My World

Noon.

I am in an internet cafe downloading MP3s that used to be part of my collection. I am a music lover and I express my interest in music by collecting songs from different artists of different genres. I almost have a thousand hard-to-find MP3s before tragedy struck me yesterday. What the technician did is something unforgiveable.

You see, I woke up yesterday with a single thought in mind again.

I wanted to upgrade my beloved computer.

At first I was hesitant. I was thinking of the huge amount of money I will spend for some components of my PC. However, mom assured me that it's ok to upgrade my computer. After all, I could burn her all the CDs she wanted.

Besides, we could enjoy watching movie at home if I upgrade my CD-ROM to DVD-Burner Driver.

---

With my mom's blessings, I bought my PC to this internet cafe where I am writing this entry now. They provide reformatting services however, at a hefty price. Since I just asked Gene to reformat my PC the other week, and the technician at the office hasn't responded to my calls, I had no choice but to bring my PC here.

I then proceeded to Gilmore to buy a new DVD-Burner, a highly-advanced soundcard, an optical mouse and some other stuffs.

All in all, I spent more than 6 grands for the upgrade, including the 500 bucks for the reformatting services provided by the internet cafe.

---

The tragedy happened during the initial formatting stage.

The technician wasn't aware that a Windows 98 installer won't read a drive that was formatted by a Windows XP. Instead, it read and formatted the partition drive which contains all my works and treasures from the past 4 years of my cybernetic achievements.

Putangina, it deleted my entire life.

Severely devastated, I immediately called James for consolation. I remembered that he had the same experience before. Besides, he has half of my Mp3 collections which I shared to him some months ago.

I returned to the cafe, as the technician frantically tries to recover what was left of my files. Good thing, they knew a software that can retrieve files which were accidentally deleted due to formatting.

And the frantic search for that single file in the internet took hours. At the end, he told me if it's ok if I'd return the following day since he'd like to seek the assistance of his techno-savvy brother who would arrive the following morning.

---

Unhappy with the prospects of waiting an entire night while my life hangs on the balance, I decided to take things on my own.

With my armada of installer CDs well-kept hidden at home, I returned to the internet cafe to ask the technician to check whether some of the programs in my installer would retrieve the files he accidentally deleted.

I'd call it Divine Mercy, but it did worked wonders for my hard disk. The program did retrieve some of my files, which somehow lifted my sagging soul.

However, many were lost - including more than half of the 900-strong MP3s I had in my hard disk. What's more appaling was that, since the files were just retrieved from nothing, some of the salvaged mp3s were actually corrupted, if not mutilated.

---

Eventually, we have successfully reformatted my PC.

Though the process took more than 8 hours, which if with proper procedures, would just take less than 2 hours.

The DVD-Burner has been installed and is already working. It played some of my porns, which I would only enjoy in my mom's VCD player.

The soundcard worked magically. However I'm not still impressed. The reason why I bought it was to give provision to my PC, if ever I decide to buy a new speaker.

But overall, the whole reformatting process was a grave failure.

Because of it, I was forced to return and return to the internet cafe to download songs, which is used to be part of my collection.

Because of it, I will still have to sort the salvaged word documents I created during my stint in the journalism world. Good thing, my Black Book was retrieved. You see, it contains all my notes about my sex bouts with... guys before phanks.

The reason why the whole reformatting and upgrading project failed was because my primary objective for such project is to ensure that my Sims2 University would finally work on my PC.

It didn't, and now I have to pay a huge price for my previous assumptions.

Sa Muling Pag-idlip Ni Darkstar/Ang Buhay Pag-Ibig... Ko

Nagising ako kaninang tanghali na ang unang laman ng utak ay ang magbilang ng kung ilang araw na lang bago ko sabihin kay Phanks na "paalam na."

Sa totoo, noong isang linggo pa lang ay nakakaramdam na ako ng hindi maganda sa aming relasyon. Simula ata nung napa-dugo ko siya, parang medyo lumabnaw na ang pakikitungo ko sa kanya.

Masyado kasi niyang binigyan ng malaking issue yun eh - to the point ako mismo ay nagpanic kahit na maraming kaibigan ko ang nagsabi sa akin na normal lang naman daw yun.

---

Anyway, nitong mga nakaraang araw eh talaga namang single mode na ang drama ko. Hindi naman ako nakikipag-flirt o kaya nakikipag-chat chat, pero feel ko lang wala akong asawa. Kasi naman, mukhang naging aliping sagigilid na lang ako mula nung nabigyan siya ng scholarship sa isang exclusive school diyan sa may Taft.

Pakiramdam ko, parang nawalan ako ng halaga sa buhay niya dahil puro aral at reklamo tungkol sa ginagawa niyang adjustment ang laging laman ng bibig niya kapag mag-uusap kami sa phone.

Hindi ko rin naman siya masisi, pangarap niya kasi yun eh. Ako naman, handa akong umalis sa buhay niya kung magiging sagabal ako sa mga plano niya.

Ganun ko siya kamahal.

---

Ilang gabi ring windang na windang ako kapag alas-onse na eh hindi pa nakakarating sa bahay nila ang asawa ko. Nung minsan nga, nagulat siya kasi naka-42 missed calls ako sa kanyang phone ng hindi ko man lang napapansin.

Noong isang Miyerkules naman ay halos mabaliw-baliw ako dahil hatinggabi na eh hindi pa nagrereport sa akin ang mister ko. Naka-silent mode kasi ang phone niya kapag nasa klase. Siguro sa pagmamadali eh nakakalimutan niyang alisin sa pagiging silent yung phone niya habang pauwi siya ng bahay.

Maaring part yun ng adjustment at bagong routine na hanggang ngayon ay kailangan pa niyang kasanayan.

---

Sa totoo, marami na rin ang nagbago sa amin. Hindi na kami ganun ka-sweet sa isa't isa gaya ng dati. Pero at the same time, higit na nabawasan ng husto ang mga away namin marahil dahil siguro hindi na kami nagkikita araw araw, o kaya naman sanay na kami sa bawat isa. Dalawang taon ba naman kaming magkasama, ewan ko lang kung hindi mo mamememorize ang ugali ng partner mo.

Pero mahirap rin. Madalas, bagot na bagot ako sa buhay ko na kelangan ko pang itext si Roy para lang may makasamang gumimik o kainuman. Wala rin naman kasi ang buddy ko eh, isa pa, dalahin ko pa yun kapag namilit magpahatid sa may kanila o kaya naman nagrereklamo na gutom at walang pera.

Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng yun, hindi ko talaga naramdaman ang ganitong kalungkutan dati. Simula noong nagsimula ang klase nila, makailang beses na rin akong naligaw sa mall na mag-isa lang at nag-iikot ng walang direksyon. Hindi ko rin naramdaman ang ganitong kalayaan na natatamasa ko lang nung wala pa akong buddy. Noong normal pa ang routine namin, hindi papasok sa isip ko ang mangarap at maging open sa idea na willing akong humanap ng panandaliang partner kapag naligaw ako sa BED.

Kagabi lang sumagi sa isip ko yun.

In short, panget na talaga ang signs. Sa sinumang nakakamemorize ng trend ng mga nagbrebreak up na couples, nandun na kami sa puntong yun. Isang matinding away lang sa pagitan namin at talagang kakalas na ako.

Kahit mahirap para sakin.

Kahit hindi ko siguro kung saan ako tutungo pag wala na siya.

---

Pero sa kabila ng mga plano ko, hindi ko alam kung nararamdaman ba niya ang tibok ng puso ko o sinadya lang ng panahon na palubagin niya ang loob ko ng hindi siya aware. Sabi nila, ang magpartner daw, kapag malalim ang pagsasamahan at pag-iibigan eh nararamdaman ang saloobin ng isa. Nitong buong araw, naramdaman ko na pinipilit niya bumawi sa lahat ng naging pagkukulang niya sakin nitong buong linggo.

Sa pagkakatanda ko, wala naman akong direct na pagpaparamdam sa kanya na nabobore na ako sa aming dalawa. Pero ngayong araw, sobrang titindi ng mga text messages na pinapadala niya sa akin.

Unti unti, ang tigas at tapang na pinapakita ng puso ko kagabi sa BED ay napapalitan ng awa at pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

---

Ngayong gabi, nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob sabihin sa kanya ang aking mga nararamdaman.

Sabi ko sa kanya na napapakiramdaman kong hindi na niya ako kailangan - na kaagad agad rin niyang dineny at kinontra.

Hirit ni phanks, masyado lang daw siya busy pero ako pa rin ang takbuhan niya kapag kelangan niya ng kasama.

Di ko alam kung matutuwa ko o matotouch, pero para sa akin, sapat nang assurance yun para ipagpaliban muna ang mga plano magsolo at maging malaya.

Matagal na rin naman kami at ayaw ko na kung kelan pa ako tumatanda eh saka naman ako magwawala ulit.

Tama na yung mga ginawa kong adventures nung ako'y bente uno pa lang.

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Totoong mahirap talagang humabol sa kanya, lalo pa ngayong wala akong trabaho at laging nabubulok lang sa bahay at sumasalo sa sakit ng ulo na dala ng pagkalugi ng negosyo namin.

Siguro part ng clamor ko makipaghiwalay eh yung feeling ba na walang nangyayari sa kin samantalang umiikot ang mundo ng lahat ng tao sa paligid ko - gusto ko rin namang ipagmalaki na kahit paano, may nangyayaring bago sa akin.

Hindi ko na pakielam kung yung pagbabago bang yun ay higit na mas ok sa akin o makakasira sa akin. Pakiramdam ko kasi, ok na sa akin basta may nagbago.

Sana, kapag nakahanap na ako ng bagong trabaho, hindi ko na rin maisip ang mga bagay na ganito.

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Bago magsarado ng hatinggabi ang orasan ng computer ko, nakatanggap ako ng isang text message sa kanya. Masyado akong naantig sa mga lines na to dahil dito ko napatunayan na kasama pa rin pala ako sa mga pangarap niya, kahit na ang ipinaparamdam niya sa akin eh parang kabaliktaran ng mga assurances na binigay niya.



Sanay d m po ako iiwan,
balang araw makapagtapos ako
at nawa'y anjan ka pa rin para naman
masuklian po kita sa lahat ng 2long mo sakin

I love u very much.


Sana nga, makatagal ako ng tatlong taon ng ganitong set-up. Sana sa kabila ng pagiging busy niya sa pag-aaral niya, nawa'y bigyan niya ako ng role sa buhay niya kung saan hindi na ako mangangapa kung saan ako papasok at eeksena.

Sana, hindi ako magkamali ng galaw sa BED, lalo na't gumigimik ako mag-isa. Nawa'y hindi ako malandi sa DowneLink upang hindi ako magkaroon ng dahilan para maging unfaithful... ngayong ako naman ang talagang nasa puntong naghahanap ng pisikal na affection at pagmamahal.

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Sana, patuloy niyang mapagbigyan ang mga munti kong pangangailang pangtao... para hindi ako magkaroon ng dahilan upang hanapin sa iba yun.

Pero sa kabila ng mga sana. Sapat na sa akin yung text message niya kanina. Dahil dun, handa akong magantay at mag-adjust pa pansamantala upang tingnan kung may pag-asa pa ba ang aming samahan o wala na.

Sa totoo, magkaroon lang sana siya ng time sa akin, kahit isang gabi lang sa loob ng isang linggo.... solb na ako.

Mahirap man, pero kaya ko pa to.

The Brief Re-Emergence of Darkstar

If not for Joy, the girl I befriended the last time I went to BED. I might have done a grave mistake last night.

For the first time, I went inside the said club with the intention, or should I say open to the idea of deliberately hooking up with someone there.

This time, I know there were reasons. I wasn't that really afraid anymore of the consequences. Ganun pala yun, you can always give good advices to every gay problem guys would share to you, but you can never solve your problems yourself.

I guess, I'm officially tilting. Between the fears of being single again and the hopes of carrying on the relationship that have endured years in existence.

A familiar old voice within me speaks.






"Yes... you made me feel so alive."

Si Tiburcio* At Ang Orgy

Meron akong naging friend sa PEx noong mga nakaraang buwan dahil na rin sa pagbibigay ng advice-advice ko sa kanya. As usual, ang friendship ay nauwi sa pagiging mag-textmates at ang text text ay nauwi sa pakikipagusap sa phone.

Keri na sana eh, since friendly naman siya at medyo marami kaming similarities. Ang problema nga lang dito kay Tiburcio (Di Tunay Na Pangalan) ay masyadong posessive na friend. Jusko, daig pa ang buddy ko kapag gusto magpatawag sa landline o kaya makipagmeet kung saan.

Ok na sana talaga itong si Tiburcio. Imagine homebuddy na, Gymbunny pa. Isa pa, hindi naman siya yung tipong guy na mangmamanyak or anything kaya pwedeng pwede talaga i-tropa. Kaya nga lang, nagkainisan kami noon kaya naputol ang contact namin sa isa't isa.

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Pero nitong nakaraang mga linggo, nagsimula ulit ang pagtetext namen. Kasi naman, pareho lang kami ng mga forums na tinatambayan kaya nagkakaroon kami ng mga exchanges of ideas nang hindi sinasadya. Dapat sana, nung training eh magkikita kami. Kaso pinili kong bumisita na lang kay XP upang pasalamatan siya sa hands-on english conversation na binigay niya sa akin bago kami magkaroon ng mock interview nung sumunod na araw.

Talagang binabalak na namin mag-meet one of these days. Pero sadyang nauna lang atang ipost niya yung account niya sa downelink kaya hayun... ako naman eh hetong sobrang curious kaya binuksan ko kaagad ang aking downelink kagabi upang siyasatin ang kanyang profile...

At bumulagta sa akin ang isang mukhang, makakapagpabago sa pakikitungo ko sa kanya.

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I swear!!! Kung nasa tabi ko lang si Ate Nate habang ineenlarge ko yung mga photos nitong si Tiburcio eh talaga namang nakapagsabi na ako ng jusku! jusku! sa harap ni Nate.

Sino ba naman ang hindi malalaglag sa kinakaupuan mo kapag nakakita ka ng isang lalaking model-modelan ang katawan. Medyo maypagka-chinito ang mata at dinededma dedma mo lang kapag nakikipagtext sayo?

As if naman sobrang cutie ko para makipagdedmahan sa mga gwapo.

Grabe talaga ang lapad ng balikat niya, at saka yung laki ng biceps nitong si Tibo. Totoo nga yung kwento niyang kinarir niya yung pag-gygym niya kaya hayun at talaga namang ang lupet ng naging hubog ng katawan niya.

Shensa na kung medyo mababaw tong post ko ha. Di ko lang talaga sukat akalain na yung dinededma kong tao eh ang taong talagang... well, enjoy akong pagmasdan. La lang, di ko pa pala nabanggit na bukod sa torso niyang ikatutuwa ng marami, eh matangkad rin siya at talaga namang mamang-mama ang dating.

Para sakin, sobrang whammy na ang ganun.

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Anyway, habang pinagmamasdan ko yung pic niya kanina sa Downelink biglang may nakita akong friend request para sa akin.

Ako naman, sobrang happy ko lalo pa't ngayong meron akong isang ka-DLink na biglang binura yung connection ko sa kanya. Imbyerna tuloy sa DL nung mga nakaraang araw.

Nung binuksan ko yung message, kala ko eh yung isang blogger na kinababaliwan ni XP. Ako naman, biglang nagtext kay bud para inggetin sana na ka-downelink ko na yung crush niya

Binasa ko yung message niya. Kala ko, kakilala ko yun pala hinde. Nagulat lang ako kasi nung ini-scroll ko yung screen ko pababa.

Ang pota, nagiinvite pala ng orgy.

Shet na malagket! Hindi siya ang crush ni XP!!

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Naalala ko tuloy yung first and last orgy ko once upon a time sa Malate. Jusme, kala ko pa naman eh threesome lang, yun pala meron pang humabol na isa samen.

Buti na lang at medyo mapusok pa ako nun pero padawan pa lang ang drama ko, kaya hayun, eengot engot ako habang nakikipaglapchukan chorva chorva sa kanila. Tanda ko pa, apat kami nun. Yung organizer eh nag-aaral ng medicine sa kung saang school tas yung isang kasama namin ay swimmer at yung isa naman eh isang pagkaganda-gandang lalaking nagaaral sa PLM.
Nangyari yun mga hapon rin gaya ngayong tinatype ko to. Nangyari siya dun sa loob ng room na unuupuhan ni Med Student. Sa harap namin eh may isang screen kung saan pinapalabas yung Bel Ami na obviously, binili lang sa Quiapo nung organizer.

Wala namang big time na nangyari. Puro kissing lang kung saan saan tapos nauwi sa oral oral na ewan. Kumbaga parang nasa pagitan kami ng paglalaro at pageexperimento sa katawan namin. Naikwento nga sa akin nung tiga PLM na first time lang daw niya yun. Yung una daw dapat sana eh inatrasan niya matapos malaman na puro jologs na baklita yung mga makaka-sparring niya.

Sakin naman, mabuti na rin na ganun lang ang labanang nangyari. Kasi kung mas matinding laban yun, baka noong una pa lang wala na akong control sa sexual urges ko.

In fairness naman, cutie rin yung mga kasama ko. Yung nakapartner ko nga, nagkagulatan pa kami kasi after mangyari nung orgy namen, nagkita pa kami after sa isang event ng Mansoc sa mIrc sa Shangrila.

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Anyway, back to my kwento.

Sa sobrang shock ko dun sa invitation, biglang nawindang ako't pinagte-text ko sina XP, Roy at Nate para ibalita sa kanila ang tsika.

At ang Roy, gusto pa makipagtrade places saken. Sabe niya, keri daw niya makipag-org. Ano kaya, siya na lang papuntahin ko dun? Hehehe.

Nakakatuwa lang kasi heto ang third time na na-invite ako ng orgy after nung nag jack-en-poy kami nung mga ka-org ko nung first time ko. Yung second time sana, nasa pinto na ako nung hotel room kung saan idaraos yung nasabing orgy. Kaso mo, nakiramdam ako kung keri ba yung mga ka-joint forces ko. Nung narinig ko yung mga boses nilang parang mga parlorista na ewan dali-dali akong nag-walk out ako palabas ng hotel at sumumpang hindi na ako makikipag-orgy kahit kelan. Kaya pala ayaw sagutin nung organizer yung call ko dahil alam nilang di ko sila keri.

Yung pangatlo naman sana eh exciting rin. Dun talagang kampante ako na puro barako at adults yung mga participants at talaga namang fullfilled sana ako dun kung sumama ako kasi yung isang participant eh FUBU ko na nung mga time na yun. Kaso mo, tinamad akong lumabas ng bahay nung gabing ininvite niya ako kaya na miss out ko tuloy yun sanang fuck-of-a-lifetime ko.

Hanggang ngayon, iniisip ko pa rin what if sumama ako sa kanila noon. Hindi kaya member na ako ng Manila Circuit ngayon?

Sabi nga sakin nung nag-invite saken, yung dalawang kasama nila eh puro nagmamaganda lang daw. Kung nandun sana ako, kahit itapon na nila sa bintana yung dalawa ok lang kasi game naman daw akong kunin yung mga roles nung nagmamaganda.

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Marami sa mga super friends ko ang magsasabing di nila kaya jumoin ng ganun.

Ako naman kasi, natural sakin ang maging wild at experimental kapag wala akong partner. Ilan nga lang ba ang makakapagsabi samin na I've been everywhere and done everything kundi mga lima lang samin. Pero sa kabilang banda, yun rin ang isa sa mga bagay na sana...

Hindi ko na rin lang ginawa.

Kunsabagay kasi, di biro ang magpalipatlipat ka ng partner sa isang jugjugan no? Gaya nga ng sabi ko noong unang nasubukan ko makipag-orgy. Pumunta akong sobrang excited sa event, pero umuwi akong may pakiramdam na parang pinagpasapasahang karne.

Pero malay ba natin. Baka bukas makalawa ang laman ng entry ko eh hindi na tungkol kay phanks kundi sa mga adventures na namang pinasukan ko. Mahirap rin naman kasi magsalita ng tapos eh, lalo na't yung mga bagay na yun ay makakapagbigay sayo ng kaunting feeling na may nagkakainterest sayo.

Kaninang hapon, ininstall ko yung YM ko sa pag-asang makakausap ko yung organizer at ma-veverify yung time at place ng orgy.

In fairness, top sha ha. At sa Downelink profile niya eh talaga namang barakong-barako ang bakla.

Actually, kaya ako nagtanong eh baka mag-shift ang venue ng contingent namen mamaya.

Instead na sa Pink Fest kami dadapo, baka magkita-kita kami sa venue kung saan magkikita kita yung mga participants ng mga makikijoin sa orgy.

For old times sake, kahit makita ko lang yung mga lalaking makikipagjugjugan mamayang gabi happy na ako.