Imagine

In Three Years Alone...

March 16, 2002.

I was still in college. I have a girlfriend, a group of straight guys and a quiet life geared up and groomed to take the place of my dad one day in running our publication business. Life was easier and less painful during those days. I just have to look after my life, and things will simply pass by, me barely noticing it.

March 16, 2003

I was at the height of my second "wild days" episode. Just broke up with my first lover a month before. My life revolves around Malate - Mister Piggy's and Mint to be exact. SEBs come and go... and this was the time when I find myself chatting somewhere in Morayta looking for casuals at 2 am in the morning.

March 16, 2004

Just returned to help my dad run the family business. This time, I was second in command. It was an election year and things are somehow hyped up. Business, was rather brisky during these days, and I was earning a lot from my relatively easy work. Things looked promising then. I was at the height of everything...

March 16, 2005

Looking back a year ago, I find myself back at the same chair, at the same room, and working with the same people. Things haven't changed that much. Except that dad wasn't there anymore. Somehow, I am the one running the show (save for my dad's younger sister who manages the operation). But in the editorial arena, I am the one working things on my own. Sometimes, when I look back at how fast things change, I secretly wished that I have allowed more time to enjoy more.

When I look back, I've realize that between discovering how to party and socialize and taking over a big responsibility - bigger than most guys I know... the freedom to enjoy one's life exclusively falls almost at a period equal to just a single blink of an eye.

Kuripot Blues

Pray to God that you
wouldn't have to spend big
in the next 15 days,
for in the end of the month
you might finally
break your lifetime
savings record.

Another Night In Limbo

Unlike before, I can already feel the power and influence surrounding me.

Yet, I can't say whether I'm poor or rich. I just know that I'm earning. Before, I know that we're living in a below minimum existence. Right now, I can say, we're still living below minimum yet, there are a lot of people who depends on us for their survival. Perhaps this is the reason why we can't see ourselves poor when there are people who are poorer than us.

When the people in the office introduces me, they'd say I'm the boss. But for some reason's I can't feel that I'm the boss, that I am already the leader. Many times, I would shy away from spotlight, allowing anyone to take my place. It's like preserving your unknown existence in a time where limelight and public exposure is imminent.

Such is the life my dad had. No matter how I try to keep a low profile, eventually I would be catapulted exactly in the place he left.

---

Anyway, I'm very sorry for posting too much crap around here. Medyo drained lang pow at lahat ng gusto ko sanang isulat eh nawawala na lang sa utak ko pagdating ko ng bahay.

I have a lot of thoughts actually. My strolls and forced walks fuels my mind to think of great things and comment on some unusual things that I see everyday.

But one thing I've realized, or keep on realizing lately is that most rich people who found happiness and peace live their lives according to God.

Noon pa lang, napapansin ko na na karamihan sa mga mayayamang kilala namin, either member ng isang Christian movement, o kaya naman hindi nila nalilimutang banggitin ang pangalan ng Diyos kapag sila ay nagbibigay na ng advise.

Even Oprah, mentions God in her interviews. I guess, you may never become an enlightened person without accepting first that your enlightenment comes from someone higher than you.

Kaya ngayon, I try to give more kindness and compassion in order to gain good karma. Add some spirituality to that and you'll find your life less stressful and heavy. Although I'm not a practicing Roman Catholic yet, but when it comes to faith and my belief... and also morals. I guess I'm one of those who can say, that my life is ordered according to the Almighty's will.

No Wonder...

Sa angkan ko, higit na dominante ang mga babae kesa sa mga lalaki. Kapag nagkikita-kita sila mama, hindi nila maiwasan mag-usap tungkol sa empowerment ng kababaihan at ang mga achievements nila sa buhay.

Si Ninang, ang pangalawang kapatid ni Mama eh Chairman ng Surgery sa isang ospital, si Mama naman, kahit na lumaking may kapansanan eh hataw rin pagdating sa pagtuturo ng Sociology at active sa mga NGO. Lahat silang magkakapatid eh pawang mga achiever simula bata pa, karamihan rin sa kanila eh nagkaasawa ng medyo mga simpleng lalaki lang, kaya hayun, madali nilang na-ooverpower ang mga spouses nila.

Higit sa lahat, ang pamilya ng nanay ko ang nagturo ng moral values sa amin. Sa kanila ko unang ipinattern ang gusto ko marating sa buhay, lalong lalo na ang pattern sa buhay ng kapatid ni mama na doktor.

Masaya ako kapag nagkikita-kita silang buong magkakapatid. Feeling ko, meron akong sense of security kapag narerealize ko na hindi rin basta-bastang pamilya sina mama. Hindi man ako gaanong close sa mga pinsan ko, pero sa panahong ito kung saan ako na ang tumatayong katulong ni mama sa pagpapatakbo ng bahay. Higit kong kailangan ang moral support ng mga kapatid niya.

Sa usapang empowerment pa lang, pusong babae na ang nagpapatibok sa akin.

New Kids On The Block

Sorry for not updating my blog these past few days. I attended a seminar in PADPAO at Camp Crame to get a certificate that is one of the requirements for the renewal of our security agency's license to operate. I had to wake up at around 7 am and sleep at around 2 am the following day. You can imagine how exhausted I am when I arrive home.

Anyway, the seminar was perhaps God's answer to my perpetual complain about taking huge responsibilities at a young age. At the seminar, I met this guy who was just about to graduate in college when his mother died of cancer last year. At the age of 21, he was forced to take over their family's security business without anyone assisting him. So far, their company is doing well. And he seems enjoying his youth despite the pressures surrounding him.

I also met two guys, both 27 and 28 who are already bosses in their own security business. Together, we formed a group so that those old people would realize that we have our own voice in that seminar. It worked well. In fact, never been I've been this close to anyone in those kind of activities.

---

Two nights ago, I responded to a distress message from one of my former classmates.

She was also a businesswoman at the age of 23. Her job was to manage their family business. However, she ran away that night after having a major fight with her parents. She said that all the time, she exerted her effort to find new clients for their publishing business, while her parents do nothing to assist her. What made matters worse was that she was often criticized and never complemented for her work.

She said, that since it was a family business, she was not paid her salary. My friend makes both ends meet by looking for sidelines outside their business.

---

I've realized, after she confided her problems with me, that I just came from that situation before. My blog had been witness as to how I waged my anger and rebellion towards my father when we were still in one company. Being a promoter of independence and all, I told her that she should aim to be free. Tutal, she is one of the most effective and efficient persons I know. I believe that she could make things work on her own.

---

That night, I also told her about my preference.

Together with our former and well respected society president, I told them that no matter how I wanted to make amends with my ex-gf, I couldn't. I told them that I'm already committed, and the person I am in a relationship is with a guy.

Of course, they were shocked...

But, the reason why I told them about my preference is that my friend is a lesbian. In fact, I even accompanied her girlfriend going home since we left our ex-president's unit at 2 am. Besides, I know that I'm already ready to accept who I am, and what I have become.

Just don't put me in company of straight men, and I'll know where I take my stand.

---

Saying goodbye to my newfound friends in the seminar was more difficult that what I had anticipated.

The bond we made was so deep that the thought of these things will soon come to pass makes me awfully sad.

And besides, I've never been this close to straight guys after I embraced my new preference. Although mingling with them left me confused and distorted, at least the feeling of being "straight" was somehow exhilarating.

Perhaps, in another entry, I'll tell more about the guy's I've met in the seminar and how our closeness sent some confusing signals on how they try to strike up a conversation. Wala lang, I found out that it's hard when you're at the other side of the spectrum, try to read someone who doesn't belong to the spectrum at all.

For My Bud

One week na rin kami hindi nagkikita ng buddy ko mula ng nagkasakit siya. Di ko ineexpect na tatagal pala kami ng ganito ng hindi nagkikita. Pero masaya pa rin ako kahit paano, tuloy pa rin ang communications namin. Kahit sa tinagal-tagal na naming magbuddy, sa lungkot man o ligaya, namimiss ko rin pala siya...

These are the songs that reminded me of him. Sayang, di niya maappreciate ang mga lyrics ng kantang ito.

---



Collide
Howie Day

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide



Beautiful Life
Charlotte Martin

You can't judge the love by the lover
The sky by its thunder
The road with no sign
You can't make the snow fall in summer
Or make him not want her
And not leave you behind
Maybe he'll stay in touch years down the road
And hope that he's still on your mind

The sun may come up and go down again
I'll still swear it's a beautiful life



Answer
Sarah Mclachlan

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Dead Star's Light

Welcome to the Jomanian Order.

I started working at my dad's company yesterday. It was, after all my responsibility to do so after he died last month. To be honest with you guys, my decision to start yesterday was the most confusing decision I've done in recent years. Half of me says I just want them to be on their own, yet the rest of me says I should stand there to lead those who have remained and have been loyal to the company.

The whole time, I was asking myself if I had been a leader before - or should I say, have I been a good leader before. As far as I know, I've been a nice president back in college, if not an effective one. I simply ruled through a pseudo-federal system where I consult the barkada leaders in our class whenever there is a major decision we have to decide.

You see, I've never really wanted power. I hate being in authority since I've always believed that it's better to have a majority vote rather than overrule everything. At some points, I may have been percieved as someone who has no backbone, who has no balls to show and worst of all, a great escapist. That's what hinders me today, that's why as much as possible, I don't want to commit myself in taking over my father's tattered empire.

On the other hand, people enjoy my leadership because they enjoy the voice I have given them during consultations. I tend to lift up people rather than pull them down to the ground through intrigues and rumor circulating. As far as I know, I've never had enemies whenever I find myself in the top position. Up there, the view is sometimes nauseating.

That is why I always choose to be the second-in-command... always. In groups and in organizations, the job I've always enjoyed a lot was propping up the leaders. Being only the second allows you to have the privacy, protection and security while having a slice of power. Besides, I simply liked being the follower. What I really hated is being on the forefront of everything.

---

By this time, people are starting to look up to me, while I, am already integrating myself to adapt to their system - to change it the way I see fit, and practice my overwhelming desire to have tranquility and order while being in my workplace.

I can already see the overwhelming problems that are about to hack us into pieces, and the worst part of all is that I'm still looking for someone who would at least guarantee me of my own security.

---

That's why I don't understand why people would crave for power, when in fact its much better having just a full security of your own. In my life, I never really wanted responsibility - yet time and again, responsibilities simply follows me.

Sometimes, I just simply wanted to believe that it's my fate to become a leader rather than a follower. No matter how I wanted to have a simple, clean life being on my own, it seems like my fate follows my footsteps.

I don't know what future holds for us, especially now that I feel my life is slowly being integrated back to what was, my role in the company ever since.

I know, I have a lot of shortcomings and weaknesses.

I just hope that I could make things work even through my small advantages.

Post Contingent Senti

It was some nights like this three years ago when Roy and I would sneak out on our Malate Gimmick at Ladida to party at Sibil in Eastwood City ourselves. For us, it was some sort of a reclaim to our heterosexual lives since we were still in the process of adjusting to our new preference. For all we care, we enjoyed the sight of goodlooking guys, as well as gorgeous ladies dancing wildly on top of the ledge. For us, it was the freedom and adventure we were looking for.

We never thought that those party nights would eventually end. Three years after, and we were about to attend a contingent to celebrate our brODDER's birthday. It was already getting late and it was so cold outside. Going out of the house was for me the hardest thing to do nowadays but to cherish my long and deep friendship with the boys, I would do everything to be with them especially now that we're all getting older and priorities have shifted from young adult roles to adult - working roles.

Three years ago, we were not this serious about this life we are experiencing right now.

---

Despite the freezing temperature, the Quattro Contingent was a record.

For the first time this year, it was the largest attended gathering we had. Paul Stolich, who was absent since last Christmas party attended once again. It was, for all of us a great sign that still the brotherhood remains.

Most of the guys still look the same. Some grew fatter, and some became thinner. Both papu and kirsh sported a new look. Francis' makeover made papu several years younger, while Kirsh's hectic schedule made him look mature, if not older.

Suprisingly, the rift between us had all been gone. Just like what I've said before, once a brODDER will always be a brODDER especially if we had a long history of friendship before us. This contingent made me realize how I missed the boys. Sure, we're not as wild and adventurous like before. Quattro, with all its noise and hustle doesn't appeal to us anymore. The parties we used to attend, the self destruction nights we used to do, the boylet watching we did... are slowly fading out of our system.

We have grown old if not mature, and the friendships and brotherhoods we held dear are the ones that make us cling to the group more.

Sayang, di nakasama yung iba. Perhaps in another time - whenever there's a need to celebrate something.

People change and settings change too.

But you know what, no matter what changes comes. As long as we believe in the spirit.

Everything will remain constant.

I've always hoped and dreamed of spending an entire lifetime with the ODDERs.

I think, if that hope remains in ones lifetime, perhaps time would be so kind to let things happen
as we dreamed it would be.

Bad Boy

Like what I've written on one of my entries, I resigned my job.

It should have taken its effect today. But ever since Tuesday, I never reported for work.

I know it's bad. I just abandoned them just like that.
But what can I do. I am shattered myself.
I preferred sulking in my room.
I preferred playing sims 2 to kill time.

And besides, my mom and my buddy are both sick.
And if it gets into your head, you'd realize how sick your life is.

I hate to go out.
I hate to talk to anyone.
I just wanted to be alone.

I wanted to jumpstart my life
but I don't know where to begin.

All For Sims 2 University

I spent 4000 bucks for memory upgrade and reformatting of my PC.

Kapag di ko pa rin nalaro ang binili kong original sims mamayang gabi, magkakapatayan na talaga kami ng Datablitz!

Twilight of the Sun

I just had a meeting this evening at the Rembrant Hotel.

In front of big people, I was wearing an old and worn out slacks, a faded gray polo shirt and with an antique Guess watch in my wrist.

When the security people asked me who I'd be meeting with, at the back of my mind, I felt that these people thought that I was probably an assistant, or worst even a bodyguard. Never did I experience going to a place where big and great people meet with an image/prestige level on a slump.

I just felt being out of place.

To make up for my disastrous outfit, I ordered an espresso that costs 63 pesos. Mind you, 63 bucks is too big for me if not only for rebounding my tattered image I won't spend that kind of amount even if I had the money.

But I should be ready to shell more cash soon, I might be meeting more big people in the future.

---

And then they arrived. Three big people from the government proposing to me their interest in getting a share on the family business. For me, such proposals doesn't really matter anymore. After all, I'm not that interested to control it completely for us.

We are more concerned about its future and its people - whatever future it would have.

So the meeting went on. Actually their offer was quite tempting. I just simply hate the fact that I'd be standing at the helm... that I would have to be their puppet in front of everyone.

Being a puppet doesn't really affect me that much - its the fear of loosing my quiet and peaceful life that hangs on the balance.

Two months ago, I was gearing for a life back at the Ad Agency again as their PR writer. Now everything might completely change - even my very outlook in life.

Seriously, what I'm really afraid of is loosing my lifestyle - the bliss of walking along busy streets by just being a nobody. In fact, I might loose my freedom to practice my homosexual life. You know how people judges PLUs in this country.

Personally, I think that this is not my time yet. That I am playing a game with the big guys out there. I was a politician at school before. I did schemed to ensure that I will rule an entire batch without any serious conflict with anyone - even forging alliances just to ensure that I am in control.

But this time it's different. I am not ready yet. I will not be ready yet for another five years.

Yet deep in my heart, a voice tells me that this is the moment to shine. That if I let pass of this opportunity now, I might loose it forever.

I am afraid of the changes that might come. I am afraid of loosing more things by risking on a playing field that I have yet to master.

I am afraid to fail, like my father did...

This is your twilight Pulsar. This is not your planned life,

This is your fate awaiting to be fulfilled.

Pax Jomania

Savor the moment dude,
for at last you have once again
felt that deep sense of peace you are looking for.
Enjoy while it last
for now, you can at least see a brighter future
ahead of you.
Pray that his moment will last longer,
that this moment would lead to better possibilities
even reaching your very dreams.

And remember always
the people who have sacrificed themselves
so that you can enjoy this moment of bliss.

Putangina

Salamat sa Sims2 University...
Sa mga wrong moves na ginawa ko kaninang 8 pm...
Sa buddy ko na sakin rin tinatambak ang problema niya...
Sa walang katapusang problema at emotional burdens na nagpapabigat sa utak ko...

Well.

I'm all fucked up tonight!

Thank you very much

What a life.