Precipice

I came at work an hour late yesterday.
Then I was tagged ncns (no-call, no show)
today after informing the team leader two hours
after our shift had started
that I cannot go to work because there was a problem
at home...

Because I woke up at past 8:30 in the morning.

Lately, I feel that I'm half-effective in my
own account. Before, I always get the top spot
in generating message turn-out more than what
my peers can do. But since I don't have the data
right now, I sense that somehow I lost my performance.

What is happening to me?

If this is a hidden, subconscious,
late-reaction psychological disturbance
brought by the "Big Hit" more than a week ago,

Then, I have to rely on my own willpower and self-imposed
discipline to get back on track.
I know, I don't mope at the lost the way I used
to do before. I don't even think much anymore
about the conspirators that were responsible for my
downfall.
But still, I have to address
my own performance drive since it appears
to have suffered a tremendous blow as well.

Somehow, I just feel that the motivation is not there
anymore.

The Purple Conspiracy

Kaninang umaga, nagkaroon ng informal gathering (yosi break) ang mga ladlad (mga out na gay at lesbian) sa opisina. Ang topic: Kung bading ba yung bagong pasok na agent na laging nagsosolo sa pantry tuwing meal breaks.

Backgrounder: Hetong bagong pasok na operator eh ilang linggo nang itinip sa akin ng ka-trabaho kong effem. Palibhasa ito kasing si effem kasi ay may unusual gift na "makaamoy" ng mga hindi ma-detect ng radar ko. Siya rin ang nagbulong sa akin na merong kakaibang vibes si P-man bago pa siya umamin sa akin minsan isang hatinggabi. Simula noon, sa tuwing nagbibigay ng tip itong si effem na tatawagin na lang natin sa pangalang "Tigerlily," medyo inobserbahan ko ang kanyang mga readings, at ang bago nga niyang nadedetect ay itong si kapapasok na agent.

Personal Assessment: Ang faded pants na may patches, bading na bading. Ang friendster kung saan may blonde na highlights ang buhok niya, (kahit sobrang itim ng kulay ng balat niya) bading na bading lalo. Kumakanta sa choir, isang sign na naman ng kabadingan. Iba makatingin (dahil nang-aamoy ng kapwa PLU), ang basa ng mga mata, nakakabading rin. Findings: PLU, 80%. Kinonfirm ko pa ito gamit ang radar ng isang closet kong katrabaho. Pero shempre, hinayaan ko na yung mga effem ang magkalat ng balita. Tutal sila naman ang may-access sa lahat ng tsismis kaya bahala na silang magpyesta kung ano man ang bagong balita sa buong floor.

Habang pabalik sa elevator, biglang nasabi nitong si Tigerlily na, "naku bakla, (kausap yung isa pang dakilang effem sa office na kasama namin) matutuwa si Mami (Athena) nito kapag nalaman niyang may bagong kapanalig sa shift. Tingnan mo didikit na lang itong (si bagong agent) ke mami balang araw."

Effem 2: "Honga eh, bakit ba ang mga bading dumarami, hindi naman nanganganak? Lahat ata ng napapadikit kay Mami eh nagtratransform bigla. Note: Babaeng totoo si Mami Athena, may asawa at limang anak.

Tigerlily: "Kaya hindi ako nagtataka na itong si P-man eh bading rin eh, laging nakadikit kay Mami." (Me: "Nuninuninu, wala akong naririnig.")

Effem 2: "Naman!"

Tigerlily: "Diba ine-msn mo nga ako minsan bigla, sabi mo hawak mo yung noches* (etits) ni P-man, chika mo pa eh chubby." (Me: "ZOMG Am hearin chi'neez!!")

Effem 2: "Oi! Wala akong sinabi sayong ganyan ha!"

Tigerlily: "Tinawag mo pa akong sinungaling ha, bakla ka talaga!" (sabay baling kay lesbyana para gatungan ang issue.)

Sa buong pag-uusap nila habang paakyat ang elevator, nasa gilid lang ako, deadma at parang walang naririnig. Natahimik ako bigla, naalala ko kasi ang rule of secrecy na laging inaapply ng mga PLU (straight-acting) sa ganitong sitwasyon. Isa pa, medyo sensitive ang usapan kaya kunwari, wala akong pakielam.

Sa dalawampung lalaki sa office, anim ang hindi straight. Sa anim na yun, dalawa ang parlorista, dalawa ang nasa closet - at tinatago ko sa mga effem para maiwasan pagtsismisan, isa ang pinaghihinalaan (si bagong pasok na agent) at meron pang mga possibleng ma-convert, (lalo na kung pagbabatayan mo kung gaano sila ka-touchy pag nalalasing.) Siyempre, ako yung odd one out. Kasi, ako lang ang may contact sa mga effem at masculine sa opisina. Isipin mo na lang na parang nasa gitna ako, habang connected sa akin ang lahat ng hindi straight sa office, mapa- tomboy man o bading.

Balik kay P-man, siguro, dala na rin ng hiya, (dahil nga me nangyaring hindi kanais-nais noon sa aming dalawa.) na siyang nagbabalik sa mga ala-ala, biglang natameme ako sa kanilang usapan. Sa loob-loob ko. "Sana naging straight na lang si P-man, o kaya'y nag-out ng hindi kami parehong lasing. Siguro, mas effective ko siyang napapagtanggol sa mga usapan. Hindi tulad ng ganito, isang bahagi, guilty ako. Ang ikalawang bahagi naman ay nagkukunwaring parang walang nagbago sa amin.

Samantalang ang natatagong munting bahagi naman, na lagi ko pa ring dinedeny hanggang ngayon, na sa tuwing nakakaalala ay isa lang ang sinasabi:

"namimiss ko pa rin ang lahat ng matatamis na nangyari..."

---

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart

- Regina Spektor, Fidelity

Ninja Mode

It was like facing a huge mirror in your living room.

The small door opens to a large room filled with around sixty computers. The sounds of keyboard tapping suggest that a lot of things are going on inside the room. Chat operators composed mostly of effeminate gays and ordinarly looking men are busy chatting with male clients from other countries. While a morena skinned lady with small eyes and a long black flowing hair complains to her supervisor about a chatmate who forces her to do sexual things which, in real life she would never dare to do. As I sit in one corner, waiting for my name to be called by the HR officer. The image around me reminds of a place I've been with for almost a year and a half already. It is the kind of scene that normally greets me whenever I arrive at work. However, in this case, as supervisors go around checking for workers who are unproductive and while bored applicants try to look at what the regulars are doing - hoping to get an idea about the mess they are about to enter, nobody knows that my presence there serves as an eye opener for my own company. For my job application's objective is not to move on, but to see what our possible rival is doing, which may actually threaten us in the coming days ahead.

The mission began last Sunday. Since the fear of not getting anything from the Sikyu Agency tempts me to look for a second job, I stumbled upon a job ad looking for seasoned chatters who are willing to chat with adult customers from other countries. Since my work involves entirely of chatting, I've realized how much I fit in for this job. Besides, the commission that I might possibly get from my sales is enough to make me march towards Pasig to check what the job is all about.

However, at the back of my mind, I know that such move would not only betray my company but also the people who I've been with all this time. Despite Mami Athena's initial assurance that their work is not related to what we are doing, I still have this idea that I might get something from them, particularly in areas of Human Resources and Training. I could also check at how their system works and their manpower strength compared to ours.

With the blessings of the upper management - namely the QA Department and HR, I embarked on my journey to spy another company. Of course, I made sure that the boss is aware of my movements so that he would not get surprised if things went wrong. As for my resume, I deliberately erased all my connections with my present company and the address and phone number I put there were not mine. Everything that was written there is just a fiction.

---

The queue was already long when I arrived.

HR explains that their internet connection is not yet in full capacity since the recent Taiwan Earthquake damaged the submarine communication cables where they are connected. Since it was already getting late in the afternoon, they asked us to take a break and return after 30 minutes so they could take theirs as well. Therefore, we ended up waiting for more than 3 hours before our papers could finally be processed.

When it was our turn to take the exams, the HR gave us an idea of what the company is all about. The speaker said that an introduction is essential because we are not there simply to chat with foreigners - we are about to sell a product abroad, which, I think is still illegal here in the country.

Based from her explanation, we need to adopt a female persona that we would use to search for dating sites and chatrooms where, our main objective is to befriend an unsuspecting chatter who needs to get off (jack off) at the very moment of our chat conversation. After some hot steamy conversation with the chatter, we have to invite him to join an exclusive website where he could see my character stripping in the webcam, which is obviously, performed by a real lady in the US for $30 or $40 dollars. For every closed transaction we do, we get a commission. I've heard that there is no basic pay so the job is pretty tough, if you're not familiar how to be ladylike and how to get a man horny in cyberspace.

That's why they prefer to employ gay people - for they are, according to experience are natural-born expert in such job.

---

The interview is very easy. There are no face to face question and answer portion with the interviewer and all you have to do is to sit in front of the computer to take an application exam, which a regular chatter would find effortless to do.

First an applicant must create a new yahoo messenger account using a female American name. After the applicant have completed this first step, he must look for an American picture in Google, preferably a celebrity which he would save in a folder and use as a picture of the fictional female character he created in YM.

This serves as the first part of the exam. The second part is easier if you're quite familiar with US geography and culture - which is actually the foundation of our "training" in my company. In this part of the exam, my aim is to give the HR a hard time matching my chatting skills. Unfortunately, the slowness of their internet connection prevented me from gauging their abilities since they could not prolong their chat session with the applicant. Nevertheless, I am impressed with the way they conduct their application procedures. If only we could have the same type of HR exam for our applicants, perhaps we could weed out those who are ineffective before they could settle down in our company. I'm sure Mami Athena supports this idea as well.

I passed both the exams and was scheduled for training several weeks from now. That same evening, I reported to the QA Department Head of my findings and how it could affect our company directly. The following morning, I went to the boss to explain to him all that I have gathered about the company. It turns out that he is familiar with them for he used to have operators who are now working for that company.

He told me that he is quite surprised at how swift my reaction was. As he explains, he is actually planning to send someone to check the company the day I submitted the job advertisement to his office. When Mami told him that I am already on my way there to observe the company, his initial reaction was if I'm leaving, which Mami vehemently said no.

As for my own reasons, I was actually (and deliberately) looking for a second job just in case things get worse in the Sikyu Agency. The plans of moving on is out of the question, especially now that I stand as the fourth pioneer of the company I'm working with. Perhaps out of boredom, and the itch to play IR-IRan (Investigative Reporter) for a day, I decided to go on my own and see what the rival company has, and adopt it when necessary.

So far, I think our system works perfectly.

I remembered several months ago. I shared my views with Mami about the need to establish a strong QA Department in the office. I told her my willingness to observe potential competitors in order for us to prepare, when the real rival arrives. The company I checked out, may be considered one, but so far, theirs is quite different from ours, unless we accept an account that seeks male internet chatters and convince them to watch our girl's private show in a premium website.

But considering how risky this account would be, I believe that my boss would not take such offer.

I have no plans of going back. So far, those whom I've reported to are satisfied with my findings (with the pictures I took to give them an idea of their working environment.) I still don't know if there are future implications of my actions, especially now that I made it known to everyone (who reads my blog) that I've done such an undercover activity. The dreams of having a second job may be over for now since I recieved my pay from the Sikyu Agency yesterday. But if ever I will take such decision seriously; if ever I will be pushed to the desperation of seeking such extra work in the first place, I will make sure that my company will never be left behind.

They have showed their patience and understanding too much, that I'm beginning to show some strong sense of ninjahood just to return the favor back.

Thirty Minutes

Patapos na ang shift pero hindi pa rin ako kumokota.
Paano petiks day na naman today. Wala gaanong messages
kaya wala gaanong trabaho. Grabe, ang bilis ng oras, parang
kanina lang ay 6:01 - ang oras ng time-in ko sa bundy clock.
Ngayon ay 1:23 na, thirty minutes na lang at uwian na.
So ano bang plano ko pag-uwi?
Matutulog? Kakain ng lunch/meryenda?
Magsi-Sims2? Maglalamyerda?
May lakad daw ang Odders sabi ni Roy. Pero tinatamad akong
lumabas. Masama pa ang pakiramdam ko para rumampage
kasama nila. Gusto kong magpagupit at magpaskin-head
ulit kaso nalalayuan ako sa barber shop. Gusto kong
paunlakan yung imbitasyon ni Yuan na mag-inuman sa
pad niya, kaso nagdadalawang isip ako't baka mauwi sa
kung saan ang tagayan pag may tinamaan na sa amin.
So anong plano ko pagkatapos ng shift?
Magyoyosi habang nakikitambay sa mga katrabaho?
Sasabayan si Telang Bayawak pauwi para naka-koche ako
hanggang sa may Shaw? Mamamakla kasama ng mga Diyosa
dito sa morning shift - malabo naman yun, aantukin lang ako -
baka pagkamalan pa akong straight ng mga booking nila.
Heto ang mahirap ng walang gagawin at ayaw may gawin.
Maari akong maglamyerda kung gugustuhin ko, pero wala naman
akong kasama. Gusto ko man tumambay sa may bahay ng may
bahay kaso wala namang nag-aaya. Mag-malling man ako, ngunit
pag inisip kong hindi sigurado ang pera ko galing sikyu agency
sa Lunes, madedepress lang ako.
Mabuti sigurong umuwi na lang ako ng bahay
at maglock ng kwarto upang makatulog ng naka-hubad.
Minsan tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung naghahanap ba ako
ng kalayaan o pwersado akong maging taong bahay dahil sa
sitwasyon ko. May thirty minutes pa para may
magtext sa akin at mag-aya ng lakad. Pero hangga't mabigat
ang pakiramdam ko, mabuti sigurong
itulog ko na lang ang pagkabagot kong
ito.

At least, masaya na naman si Mama
menos gastos pa ako.

Speed Almost Killed The Pussycat

We're doing a 120 in a two-lane street called Marcos in San Juan. There were no humps or traffic lights to slow us down. Then a Ford F150 came out of nowhere. The driver forcefully stepped on his breaks, hoping that he would avoid an impending collision with the pick-up. I thought we were both goners. Fortunately, the vehicle stopped inches away from the truck. The lull and exhiliration I felt from the speed was suddenly stolen from me and replaced by an eerie emptiness of a near-accident experience, just blocks away from the company I have work with for the past 1 and a half years.

---

Since New Year, I have never arrived in the office from a tricycle. Perhaps, I got hook up with the idea of taking the cab instead because the FX'es were hard to find in the morning. Besides, I noticed that most of my colleagues ride the cab going to work. Considering that I signicantly earn more from them, I realized that I should not torment myself from waiting for a traditional ride when cabs are more available and easier to hail from where I come from.

---

This near-collision moment anyway, has given me a good lesson about taxis. One of these lessons is to tell the driver to slow down, especially on such backwater street like Marcos. I should also remind myself from now on how expensive it is to take a cab since I don't earn that much - even if I earning more than my colleagues. If the driver failed to step on the breaks in that intersection, and collided with the F150 at that speed, I don't 'm not really sure if I'm conscious right now.

And maybe I should take this as a good opportunity to thank Someone. Lately, I feel that I'm ignoring all the good things He had done to me.

Macoy was right when he said that life is too short...

Maybe I should accelerate my efforts in achieving the things I have set forth before everything is too late.

Claiming My Life Back

The flu brought me down and it pinned me to the ground real good.

As the story goes, I have a colleague who was about to throw his lungs because of his intense coughing last week. He was definitely ill and contagious yet he still chose to go to work instead of taking a long break at home.

The result; he spread his virus. The following week, half of the operators were coughing at the floor.

---

Last wednesday, I attended a colleague's swimming party while the storm Reming was about to hammer the Bicol Region. It was terribly cold that evening and despite having a stressful day at school, I borrowed someone else's beach shorts and decided to take a dip at the pool as well. I went home at around midnight since I had work the following morning.

During the eve of the superstorm, I went to the gym to work out. For some reasons, I felt that I'd be absent for a long time because of the storm. When I got home, I brought a kitten I found in the street. Two days later, I named the kitten Pistulio.

Friday came and the storm changed its course. By this time, I was already nursing a cough and a runny nose. However, the promise of a double-double pay was too much temptation. When I got home, my exhaustion led me immediately to bed. I woke up hours later in the middle of a tense moment with someone in the family. A family feud ensued and this issue prevented me from attending a Grand Eyeball organized by my friends in Pinoyexchange.

However, I found that my official declaration of joining the Eyeball encouraged a close friend to join the meet up as well. He texted me that evening informing me that he's already with the guys at Crocodile Grill. Nahiya naman ako, so I had to make an alibi to my mom just to let me out of the house at 9 pm. Fortunately, she bought my "Emergency Transpacific Video Consultation" with our American clients at work. She eventually let me out and there I was, riding in a speedy taxi going to Greenbelt.

---

By Saturday, I was officially sick. I left Starbucks at 1:30 am the night before and barely slept when I arrived home. However, because I am always the lone "shrink" operator during Saturdays, I have to report for work no matter what happens.

What made things extremely challenging was the unusual surge of messages during that Saturday. Imagine, I had to interpret different actions of people I barely know so that the texters may see a different perspective of things. Then on the sidelines, I have to perform psychic predictions that I don't even have the slightest idea of ever happening. But doing readings is what I do for a living lately and what's important is that even though I don't really believe in the idea of interpreting the movement of the stars, I still give comfort and assurance to strangers that are confused with the events happening in their life.

During the entire shift, I turned out an output six times our normal productivity. The boss couldn't even believe that such a lone operator, who was ill and contagious could make such numbers. Before I left, he personally thanked me for doing a great job.

---

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday passed as if nothing happened to my life. After all, I was bedridden and unable to move during most of the day. I developed a trangkaso after I exhausted my last remaining energy when I went shopping last Saturday evening. The HR and my team leaders understood my illness so they allowed me to file for a sick leave without too many hassles.

Yesterday, despite the persistent coughs, I attended my graduate school class.

---

The entire 5-day flu/cough/colds cost me more than I could ever imagine. My prediction last thursday came true. I had to stop my gym sessions for a week, which is terrible for my weight loss campaign. It was further aggravated by my rice binge the whole time I stayed home. I spent a huge sum of my idle money for cab rides going to and from work. I had no choice - the afternoon sun was so terrible, such exposure to it would tip my erratic body temperature.

Lastly, being absent for two days lost me some great deal of income that I would need for my holiday expenses this year. In the two days I was absent, such income generated from those days could finance my contributions to the class reunion that I have organized. Since it would fall close to my birthday, I am expected to give out a bigger amount of money for the cause. Next week would be the Outsider's Christmas Party. It is the traditional celebration of my barkada and though some of my more opulent friends would shed more money for the event, I still have to spend around P600 for the food and venue rental.

Ang hirap talaga ng ganitong mga panahon.

But what's really difficult in these kind of interruptions are the resumption of routine. Yeah, it's good that I had to take a force break from my very hectic schedule. But such brief break would leave me lazy afterwards. Still, my colleague continues to spread his "gift" at the work place that even the team leaders have already started coughing. Perhaps I have gained another several pounds after my notorious rice binge at home and the money I lost from absences can never be recovered again. I'm not really aware of my allowable leaves at work. When I think about the efforts I have to make just to get back on track, I imagine myself standing some place where a storm just passed. Picking up everything that its wind had blown away and scattered, it's like, almost, starting all over again.

Saberday

Finally, its the last day of my working week. Sino bang mag-aakala na sa hinaba-haba ng isang linggo aabot rin ako sa araw na ito.

Actually, isa itong linggong ito sa pinakatinatamad ako sa trabaho. Paano ba naman tatlong araw ang day off ko na isinabog in a span of seven days. Ang problema sa akin, kapag nakasanayan na ng isip ko magpa-petiks petiks, hindi magbabago ang aking mindset hangga't hindi naeestablish muli ang routine sa aking sarili.

First time ko kasing magbabago ng day-off sa loob ng maraming buwan.

---

Anyway, tinatamad akong pumasok kanina matapos magpa-late ng tulog kagabi kakadownload ng MP3 sa internet. Sinamantala ko na rin ang pagkakataon upang makipagkwentuhan kay the Tripper sa chat habang tumatambay sa G4M at nakikisali sa mga forums.

Gaya ng dati, wala pa ring pinagbago ang mga tao doon. Issues dito, questions doon. Minsan nakakatawa na lang humirit at mang-asar. Sadya atang napaka-sexual ng mundong iniikutan ko doon.

Gusto ko sanang mag-absent ngayon. Tutal late rin naman akong gumising. Siguradong pagagalitan na naman ako ng team leader namin na matagal ko na ring kasama sa trabaho. Pagkamulat ko kanina, naghahanap na talaga ako ng alibi para mag-absent. Pwede kong sabihing nananakit ang katawan ko at hindi ako makabangon. Pwede ko rin namang sabihing na-injure ako kahapon kakahabol sa mga FX sa kalsada. Siguro kahit sabihin kong may regla ako ngayong umaga balewala sa kanila. Tutal, sa sobrang konti ng trabaho, marahil hindi nila agad ako mapapansin na absent.

Ngunit.

Naisip ko ang aking napakahalagang papel sa isang account na exclusive na binigay sa akin. Matagal ko rin ninais manghula na lang kaysa makipag harutan sa mga foreigner na nalolongkot at walang makausap. Sumagi sa isip ko kung halimbawa mag declare ako ng emergency leave at wala palang pumasok na ka-team mate ko sa account, edi yari ang mga teamleaders ko sa boss. At mas lalong yari ako kay Mami Athena na mataas ang expectations sa akin.

---

Mataas na ang araw ng umalis ako ng bahay. Balak ko pa nga magtaxi dahil tinatamad akong maglakad papunta sa kalsada. Pero dahil walang taxi at wala na rin akong perang pamasahe, napilitan rin akong maglakad at magwithdraw sa ATM. Buti na lang at may FX na huminto sa harap ko. At least hindi na ako aabutin ng siyam siyam kakaintay ng sasakyan.

Dahan dahan kong binuksan ang pinto ng HR room upang mag time-in sa aming bundy clock upang huwag mapansin ng mga ibang operators. Sa totoo kasi, bingong bingo na ako pagdating sa tardiness noon pang nakaraang mga buwan. Mabait lang siguro ang HR sa akin kaya hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako binabato ng memo. Pero, Im making effort naman para maging kasilbi-silbi sa kumpanya... Ewan ko nga lang kung nakikita nila ang aking mga contributions, gaano man ito kaliit.

Pagbukas ng aking computer at pagsalang ko sa aking account, wala naman pala akong pending messages. Nakapagbukas pa nga ako ng ibang website eh. Ngunit ng hinanap ko sa roster ng mga operators sa aking IM kung nandoon ang mga kasama ko.

Wala ang mga kasama ko...

At mukhang soloflight na naman ako ngayong araw.

Buti na lang at hindi ako nag-absent sa trabaho.

Chronicles Of A Wannabe Socialite (Epilogue)

Entry written yesterday

I woke up early this morning without any assistance from anyone after having a fascinating dream about zombies chasing me ala Dawn of the Dead (the movie, see this entry for further back story). It was earlier than the usual and the sunrise is unusually promising today.

Since I've been already plugging my other parties later last night to my colleagues. (I've even claimed that I would report to work straight from my other parties) I decided to wear my party get-up last night. Tutal, sa tinagal-tagal kong nagwowork sa company, they rarely see me wearing something else aside from my pambahay shorts, rugged t-shirt, black socks and my blue Cartimar-based flip flops. Kunyare straight from the party talaga kahit na may 3 hours sleep pa akong nabawi sa bahay.

I hailed a cab instead of waiting for a jeep or an FX (which always takes forever to arrive, that's why I'm always late at work) as an added effect to my make-believe fairytale. Unfortunately, I arrived too early for work, so nobody among my colleagues was often smoke in the parking area before the shift begins saw me.

---

Because of our colleague's party yesterday, almost half of my officemates were absent or late. The teamleaders were nowhere to be found as well so things were a little disorganized during the first 30 minutes after our shift had started. Good thing, the team leader from the graveyard shift hasn't left yet so at least, he put some order to our already chaotic workday.

Things were almost normal until a flood of text messages came from one of our accounts, which turns out to have no operator reporting today. If there is such a term as code red in the company where I work, I consider this morning one of those days. With half of our manpower strength unavailable, two team leaders missing in action and a continuous flow of messages surging from most of our accounts, panic should have ensued if one of my colleagues didn't inform me about the situation.

Acting in my capacity as a pioneer operator, I assisted the night-shift team leader in delegating some of the work to those who doesn't have an extra account yet. At least we have found a solution to our problem long enough until our team leader finally arrived.

---

Anyway since we were really lacking in manpower during the first four hours of our shift, I had no choice but to take another heavy account instead of focusing on just one - which I handled alone today. After our boss found out that many of my colleagues decided not to report for work, he insisted that those who were absent must report for work, or else they would recieve a memo directly from him.

That threat compelled half of those absent operators to go to work even if they would just get a half-day pay. The operations ran smoothly after 9 am. Fortunately, I didn't embarked on my fourth party last night or else, I might recieve a disciplinary action for sleeping or messing up the conversations between the operators and the texters. Although I took a 10 minute power nap (which my TL who was seated behind my chair didn't find out), it was enough to last me an entire shift.

It turns out the boss was monitoring my lag time in the account which I handled alone. When he arrived at the office, he commended me for having a very short lag time, despite having huge work load. I just smiled and said thank you. At the back of my mind. I told myself that I'm just fulfilling a promise that the big boss personally asked me last night. Besides the least thing I would like to happen is to make its project head get embarassed because of my irresponsibility especially if the project head is none other than Mami Athena.

---

The final two hours of the shift seems like an enternity. Having exhausted all my remaining creative energies attending texters seeking answers about the future of their lovelives and on the other hand, flirting with some lonely guy or girl in another account. Restlessness and boredom begins to sink in.

My mind tells me that I should unleash my repressed rebel side immediately after a gruelling work. But the thought of sleep... and a long deserved day-off prevented me from loosing my sanity. Fortunately, a group of my colleagues would take the same transpo going my way so I decided to join them instead of having a convenient solo-flight FX ride going home.

---

There are several key relevant factors why today is something unusual compared to the normal days I report to work. Aside from having this day as one of the very rare workdays I don't get late, this is the only time I wore a decent get-up going to my job after so many months of following my same old boring "uniform," which even the boss is already used to.

Some of my colleagues are also beginning to see my relevance when the team leaders are not around. I noticed that I am already doing some of the trainor's job (whose position is still vacant). Being familiar with almost all of our accounts gave me the credibility of assisting new operators when they are transfered to new accounts.

Of course this is the Team Leaders' job, but since their hands are usually full, with so many operators complaining little things to them, they let me assist the other operators when I'm not busy.

The events that happened today at work is a good dry run of what's to come if ever I decide to accept my promotion. Although it would take most of my free time, I believe that with the concern that I'm innately doing for the sake of the company. I think I deserve such job. Nevertheless, I would still have to wait until the classes have started.

When I went home, I lulled myself to sleep writing this entry. In one hour, I was already back to my slumber.

Chronicles Of A Wannabe Socialite (First Part)

Social Event Number One

Colleague's Birthday:

• Event was held in Quezon City shorty after our shift ended
• Attended by some of the most legendary (guests who often do the weirdest things when drunk during the last birthday party) attendees from the shift.
• Dishes served: Pork Barbeque, Baked Macaroni, Kare Kare, Lechon.
• One huge plastic container of San Mig Light and Red Horse Beer beside the gate. Two Grand Matador Brandy
• Boss made an appearance.
• Left partially drunk.

Social Event Number Two

The Outsiders Contingent

• Movie meet-up
• Attended by Roy, and five of our tropa. Other friends would come after the movie ends.
• Had to show up after a month of erratic appearance to the group
• Still partially drunk. Dinner at Mangan at Rob Galleria
• Left early to take a shower at home.

Social Event Number Three

Badinggerzie's Birthday Bash.

- to be continued -

Ad Astra

I had an epiphany two nights ago. While inside the taxi, a colleague of Mami Athena from the radio dub said that "work, only becomes work when we don't really enjoy what we're doing. If we are 100 per cent enjoying our 'career' activities," he said that, "one must be playing."

It struck me deep since I've been thinking about my direction, now that my Masters is in full swing. Definitely, I don't have any plans of going into a new enterprise and leaving the company, which in so many ways had become my playground is something unthinkable. I never thought I would grow in that place, but seemingly, I did.

Anyway, early this year, I made a secret promise to myself to achieve three things in life. The first is to do something about my overweight body. The second is do some progressive activity -particularly supplying myself with new education that would divide my attention from work. And lastly, if fate would be so kind to me, I would seek a path that would lead to career growth. It doesn't mean resigning, but, in my head, if the second aim would not happen, then the next course for me is to look for a writing sideline, or something else that would make my world extremely bigger.

Those were the three things I aimed for last January, and by May, two out of the three aims were already showing signs of developments.

By June, my weight has already dropped from 205 to 180 after pursuing an aggressive weight lost program in the gym. It was hard, but I forced myself to love what I'm doing. At the same time, my application for Masters, was not only approved - I was considered for the Creative Writing Program by UP, which I have never thought could happen. My first choice for taking up masters was either in UE or FEU.

When I was accepted in UP, there was a condition. I should not only pass the prerequisite subjects I will be taking up, I must also achieve an average grade not lower than 2.0 to make it to the cut off. The blog became a witness to such difficult challenge. I have never been into such trial ever in my academic life. So I had to adopt and become a grade conscious student. I would take leaves at work only to focus my attention in my studies. That was how dedicated I was just to keep up the fight.

In the end, I had a victory and that is something I would always be proud of in my life.

---

By October, I was already reconsidering whether I could put an end to my first aim since I have almost achieved my target already. Besides the work out has always tied me up from doing other things - such as having a decent sleep in the afternoon or enjoying whatever kiddiehood that's left in me. But like what I've said, old habits are hard to die. After 10 months of non-stop work out, it had become part of my routine already.

So I returned to the gym again.

---

I have already settled on the fact that since I was successful in achieving my second aim. I should stop there and leave the third aim for another time. But, fate or luck, seems to be working in favor of me. Also last October, I was promoted to a new account, which turned out to be less stressful and more redeeming than my previous work. Although I am still an operator, it put me in a state where I could earn bigger without doing the same old tiring routine most operators do every day.

It is the freedom I was looking for.

But life never stopped there. Indeed, when a person dreams big and seek ways in order to achieve such dreams, the universe conspires to help that person achieve those dreams. This morning. Somebody from the management asked me some questions. It was an interview of some sort, but at first I never took it formally. After all, I am already happy with the way things are going in my life. And if something higher comes, I never expected it happening real soon.

It was an invitation for promotion. Something I never expected since I have a very poor record when it comes to tardiness and work output. But it seems like the management is willing to forego such blunders considering that I've been one of the longest serving employee in the company. They said, I'm ripe for the picking.

Actually, I could have accepted the proposal when it was revealed to me by the person from the management. However there are certain things that concerned me at first especially its implications to my two other objectives, which are still in full swing long before this new path arrived. I'm concerned whether I could still put up with my work out since I would be spending longer hours at work. I'm also worried whether I could cope up with my studies since I would be having a normal office job.

But this is something that I wouldn't want to miss - for it may never be offered to me again. Besides, it was offered by somebody who gives me a very good reason for staying and growing with the company. From day one, I have never doubted this person's leadership capability.

Perhaps, I could adopt to the new challenge. I could squeeze my gym early in the morning or after work perhaps. They might gave me considerations when it comes to my school activities - especially when I needed to take a day leave to conduct interviews or research. After all, I believed that my schedule would be as fluid as the person who offered me the "junior management" position.

There are other reasons for me to consider this job. But when I ask my heart, what I feel, it tells of fear and uncertainty. A friend is right when she told me that I'm not really as open to leaving my comfort zone when I'm already used to it. I have been so dependent on routine that without it, I tumble.

But remembering my third objective for the year, I cannot help but hear myself telling me that this is what I'm waiting for.

This is the universe's reward for having a great and progressive year, which has been realized because of my sheer determination to do some massive changes in my life in such a very very short time.

I will weigh my options well and I give myself until after the first day of classes to decide. But I can already hear my heart telling me what decision to take.

non est ad astra mollis e terris via

There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.

Birth Pains

I went to the hospital this afternoon to visit a colleague who had a miscarriage last night. She is one of the two girls who are pregnant in my shift, whose boyfriend is also working in the morning shift. I remembered last year, these two couples were just new to the company. The girl was still quiet while the guy acts like the floor is a huge playground where he and his best friend could run and horse around when the supervisor is away.

But things happened so fast. The speculation (which I actually invented after I saw the guy following the girl heading to Megamall after work) turned out to be true. They were really in a relationship and the boy gradually toned down with his kiddie activities. The girl soon showed her dominant personality as the seats in the company multiplied. Eventually, she became known for her very spectacular temperament that even the team leaders would comment about how aggressive she had become especially when her tummy began to bulge.

For some time, her strong personality sparked some of the most controversial bulletin messages in Friendster, which became a source of fireside chat sessions between me and the "babaylan" early in the morning.

But despite her colorful and controversial life, I never heard anything against me from her, nor from her boyfriend. As far as I know, they showed me respect even when I'm caught in her little not-so-private wars. And when she became pregnant, I was one of those who encouraged her to be strong and health conscious. Unlike the other girl who is pregnant as well (which also has a legendary personality that rivals the girl in this entry), my sympathies and concerns are with hers and her devoted boyfriend.

---

Early this morning, a colleague was roaming around the floor asking for donations from everyone. She told us that this girl had a miscarriage and needed our assistance. Good thing, I borrowed a hundred bucks from my mom which I haven't spent yet. Without consulting my kuripot instincts, I gave her my entire baon. After all, I could have been a ninong of their first born.

When the news of her miscarriage started to spread out. A colleague sent me an IM message on my computer asking for details. I told her that the reason for her miscarriage - according to those who recieved the news from the source is because of stress - a stress she created unknowingly for herself.

The colleague understood what I meant. After all, this girl is well known in the QA circles as the "watchdog" of the department. Her observations about other's work are so remarkable sometimes, the people in the QA wonders whether her constant "vigilance" is her stress reliever during these moody times. They all agree that perhaps this is her way of expressing what the doctors call, her "birth pains."

I asked the floor whether someone would pay her a visit after our shift ended. Nobody answered. It seems like everybody is preoccupied with their activities that not even her own circle will rush to the hospital to support her.

And that compelled me to spend the whole afternoon walking along UN Avenue just to reach the place where she is confined.

---

She was sleeping alone when I arrived at the maternity ward.

I was actually expecting her family to be at her side. But since her mother was still recovering from an operation performed to her last week, the only person who was with her all the time is her boyfriend.

She woke up shortly after I have settled beside her bed. With a faint smile, she greeted me, obviously surprised by my presence. I told her to rest and recover. She asked me if I was with our other colleagues. I told her that I went to he hospital alone. She asked me then if I saw her boyfriend downstairs. I told her, I proceeded directly to her ward without asking anybody. (The girl who was going around collecting help mentioned the room and the hospital where she was staying.) Then she closed her eyes once again, perhaps remembering the things that happened in the delivery room last night.

---

It turns out that she was already experiencing tummy pains at work yesterday. But she thought that it was just because of excess gas so she went through with her work without bothering anyone with her concerns. When she arrived at home later that afternoon, the tummy pain intensified. She also began to feel something hard and firm near her waist. She told it to her mom, who said not to panic until there appears blood spots over the passage area. When this happen, she must be rushed at the hospital the soonest possible time.

Nevertheless she told her boyfriend to pack his things for they will be spending the night at the hospital. The blood spots which she feared appeared shorty before his boyfried arrived at his place. They arrived at the Manila Medical Center several hours before midnight. By 2 am, the infant, which is just 5 months old came out of her, dead.

It was already dead inside her womb for two days, before her body rejected it.

The cause of the infant's fatality was very technical. To comprehend such cause, she explained to me that her womb constricted and it suffocated the child.

---

Her boyfriend arrived 30 minutes after I came. He was busy processing the discharge papers so that they could leave the hospital tonight. I saw in his eyes the lack of sleep since the night before. But like he always does, he appeared cool even under sever stress. For a 22 year old man, I was so impressed at his dedication and responsibility not only as the father, but also as a boyfriend to my colleague.

The girl colleague and I talked about a lot of things about her life. We talked about her brother who used to be my amiga back when he was still working at the company. We also talked about her previous jobs such as working in Jollibee and becoming a text operator long before our company had its present clients.

One thing good about doing a surprise and solitary visits is that I get to know more about the person I am paying a visit. The last time I did such a feat is when a colleague's father died due to stroke. This operator is known for having his "own world" in the floor. He never talks nor socialize to anyone except with Mami Athena. But during the two hours we were having a conversation during his father's wake, I've learned almost everything about his and his family's tragic past.

---

Shortly before six pm, her boyfriend returned and their release papers were already signed and processed. The girl and I have talked so much, that I have even learned that the medical workers in that hospital where she is confined work for 36 hours with just power naps for breaks, and without any day-offs during the week. I've also learned that we earn more compared to Jollibee Managers who toil the fastfood chain day and night And lastly I learned that some heartless parents just dump their babies elsewhere after it died prematurely in the hospital. I found this out after the head nurse asked the couple to sign a waiver that says the hospital will not be liable after the child has been released from its premises.

The boyfriend, which my girl colleague fondly calls "husband" thanked me for the last time for paying them a visit. As I walked down the hall and into the stairway, I've realized how much I have to learn from this guy which I used to see as a kid whenever we are at the floor. Today in the hospital, I saw how much he had changed - and such changes disturbed me, for I doubt whether I could endure his challenge when its my time to be tested.

I used to claim that I am ready for fatherhood. But this guy, bluntly implied to me that I would never be ready for one.

Unless I have seen and felt my own child - especially in such circumstances he had to endure.

Memories Of Sleeplessness (Episode Two)

Exactly one year ago, tatawag ang boss ko sa akin para humingi ng resbak sa gabi. Wala pa kasi kaming trenta noon na operator kaya pag nagkukulang sila sa night shift, lalo na sa isang account na hawak namin, hinihiram nila ako sa umaga.

Tanda ko pa, parang laro lang ang trabaho noon. Yosi dito pag walang magawa, download ng mp3 doon kapag konti ang mga ka-chat mo sa system. Pero iba na ngayon, ang 30 ay naging 50, hanggang ang 50 ay naging isandaan. Meron na nga kaming HR department at QA eh. Sinong mag-aakala na lalaki kami ng ganito.

Parang kay bilis lang ng lahat.

Marami na rin ang nawala at lumipat ng trabaho, pero marami pa rin ang nag-stay at eventually naging regular ops sapagkat kahit nasa adjustment pa rin ang benefits namin, dumarami naman ang account na pumapasok sa kumpanya.

At gaya ng dati, higit na mas marami ulit ang vacant seats sa floor kaya natawagan muli ako upang rumesbak sa mga accounts. Kaya heto, for old time's sake... Nagtratrabaho muli ako ng gabi.

Kinailangan ulit nila ng filler operator para sa isang account.

Rite Of Passage

Habang ang buong shift ay nasa gitna ng isang malaking pagsasalo para sa kaarawan ng isang katrabaho, pasuray-suray akong lumapit sa kinauupuan ni Mami Athena upang maupo sa bakanteng silya sa likod nito. At habang pinagmamasdan ang mga tao sa paligid naming dalawa dahan-dahan kong inangat ang kanyang monoblock upang ito ay magtilt papalapit sa akin. Dala ng tama ng alak, inangat ko ang aking mga braso upang ipulupot sa kanyang leeg at balikat. Kasabay nito ang pagsandal ng aking ulo sa kanyang likuran.

Kahit may tama ako ng mga oras na iyon, alam kong ang mga mata ay nakatingin sa aming dalawa. Obvious naman na close kami sa isa't isa, ngunit sa mga taong hindi nakakaalam, marahil titingnan nilang kakaiba ang aming pinagsamahan - sa lahat kasi ng lalaki sa opisina bukod sa mga effem, ako lang ang nakakayakap sa kanya ng ganun na hindi niya binibigyan ng malisya.

"I-aaout kita bebe ha, para hindi ka nila tayo tingnan ng kakaiba."

Nangyari ang dapat mangyari ng hindi ako pumalag o nagprotesta. Nang gabing iyon, lumabas ang totoong pagkatao ko sa aking mga ka-opisina. Hindi ko alam kung ilan ang nakarinig, o ilan ang totoong pumansin. Sabagay simula noon, andami ko ng binibigay na hints sa kanila - ang pagbubukas ko ng G4M kahit may trabaho, ang aking closeness sa mga effem na ka-shift ko, ang unti-unti kong pag-oout sa mga taong hindi ko naman ganun ka-close. Kumbaga, official lang ang nangyaring deklarasyon kagabi.

At ang weird sa lahat ng iyon, ni ka-titing ay hindi ako naapektuhan ng pag-oout ni Mami sa akin. Naging daan pa nga iyon upang mas maging malaya ako sa opisina. Basta ba wala akong sinasagasaang ka-trabaho, hindi ko na dapat alamin kung ano ang sinasabi sa akin ng mga tao sa aking likuran. Sa isang banda, maaring maapektuhan ng dalang stigma ang aking pakikisama sa mga straight kong ka-trabaho, lalo pa't medyo negatibo ang tingin ng ilan sa isang kasama kong effem. Makikita ko na lang iyon sa mga susunod na inuman.

Ang mahalaga, wala na akong itinatago. Siguro naman tapos na ang spekulasyon nila tungkol sa pagkatao ko.

Higit sa lahat, maaring ang panimulang ito ang maging daan upang opisyal na i-out ko rin ang aking sarili at ka-relasyon sa aking pamilya balang araw - kahit ilang linggo lang ang nakakaraan, nagparinig ang aking nanay na "tanggap niya ako kahit ano pa ako."

Sa totoo, pagod na rin ako sa pagtatago ng relasyon ko kay Phanks. Matagal tagal na rin akong namumuhay ng ganito.

Into The Skool Of Psychedelic Rock

The evolution began shortly after watching the film, Dawn Of The Dead some nights ago. Several days after seeing the movie, my mind is still fixated at how surreal the scenes were. At the same time, I started crossing the line in terms of music taste. If some months ago my ears wouldn't tolerate heavy metal music, now my Limewire is focused on downloading loud songs which my colleague at work often plays whenever he controls the single speaker in the floor. I'm talking of Lamb Of God and Rammstein here, if you are familar with such bands.

---

I was promoted to a new account where my role would be an adviser and listener to mobile texters, who uses the service to consult their innermost fears and anxieties to the character I am representing. I wouldn't delve into details, but what's fascinating about this account is that it catapulted me into an environment I am most comfortable with - giving sound advises to people about their love problems and other personal confusions in life. Mami Athena said that I sounded very natural for the service. My chat strings are impressively long as well. Such support and encouragement by Mami only pushes me to become more creative and crafty on my answers. However, my grammar flaws remains an area of concern. When I return to work tomorrow, I will be using a new style which I acquired from another friend. Now that they have put me in my natural habitat, there's no reason for me not to grow and prosper in that account.

Hombre

Si Florence Nightingale - ito ang kaibigan kong bading, na kahit na forever senti at isip nang isip tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi naman na talaga dapat pag-aksayahan pa ng panahon (gawd, mas praning pa siya sa akin! mwahahha) e kahit ano'ng sikreto ang sabihin ko, NI MINSAN, hindi lumabas. HINDI SIYA GAYA NG ISANG SO-CALLED FRIEND KONG LALAKI, NA KONTING KWENTO KO LANG, NAKAABOT NA AGAD SA 4 NA SULOK AT ISANG DOSENANG CURVATURE NG MUNDO. GUY "FRIEND", ipinaglihi ka ba sa ek-ek ng baboy? ang daldal mo, sa totoo lang. nakakasagasa ka na sa kadaldalan mo, pero manhid ka, e... hindi mo ba naiisip kahit kailan, na kung AKO naman kaya ang magdadaldal tungkol sa iyo, mayayanig din kahit paano ang iyong mundo? (well, you haven't caught on up to now, guy "friend"... pero alam mo, strategy ko lang sa iyo, ganito... kapag meron akong gustong ipaalam sa dapat makaalam, sasabihin ko lang sa iyo at sasabihin kong "secret" iyon... I know from experience na wala pang 5 minuto after mag-usap tayo, bukelya na ang lahat. mwahahaha! such a good messenger you are)... Anyway, naligaw na naman ako... back to Hombrita # 2... you also have a three-letter name, my friend... and you know who you are.

---

Yes Mami Athena, I got ur message loud and clear. I know that this was meant for me and I appreciate you for seeing me in such way. Nakakatuwang isipin na after 1 year of knowing each other, you would end up as my only friend at work. Have you notice our bond? We rarely hang-out nowadays because of certain responsibilities we have to do, but I can feel the connection between us the longer we have this professional distance from each other. Thanks for entrusting me your secrets. Alam mo naman na I dwell on tsismis whenever I'm not thinking about the world. Others may hate me for being too nosey but what can I do, I used to be a journalist. Hehe.

Anyway your secrets are safe with me. Ang makaalam ng mga bali-balita na lang ang tanging pastime ko sa trabaho nating nakaupo sa workstation 8 hours every day. I wish our friendship would remain stronger as time passes. Andami ko pang gustong sabihin pero next time na lang, kapag may spotlight entry na ako para sa iyo.

I still remember the time when you said that the two of us could work perfectly together. Ngayon alam ko na kung bakit. You know, aside from being my friend, lately, I've realized that I'm turning you to be my mentor as well. I sincerely hope that I'd learn a lot of things from you.

I hope I would turn out to be one of your best and most successful students someday.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

In order to attend to my graduate studies, I had to give up my free days from work. The boss wouldn't allow me to render undertime service during my shift, so I had to exchange day-offs with a colleague and sacrifice whatever vacant time I have for academics.

However, I understand that the body would not take such stress from the combined load of school and work seven days a week. In order to give myself a little break, I take leaves at work at least once in 15 days so that the management would not notice my subtle irregularities.

For the past 2 months, this was my routine.

---

I was confident that my reinforced frame would hold on to such repetitive and non-stop work-school schedule. I thought that my gym workout would enhance my immune system so that even though the weather would show eccentricities from time to time, virus would not get into my system.

In fact, as if mocking nature herself, all the absences I filed for the last two months were mostly sick leaves - which I spend in sleeping, extra-curricular engagements or doing academic work for school. Since many of my colleagues do the same thing (others even doing worse), I easily get away with my "I am sick" SMS text early in the morning.

Like the boy who cried wolf, I kept on using the same excuse every other week believing that my TL would buy it. And she surely does everytime, despite her occassional show of hesitation when my absences show small intervals from one another, or when it falls on a sunday morning.

However, I forgot that people easily accept reasons because they don't feel someone's body and mind complain when things get too much; They're not the one who senses breakdowns in the immune system once sweat, heat and cold mix to weaken the lungs and throat of a person.

When I woke up this morning, I immediately felt that my body is not in a good condition. I tried to get up, only to grab any flat surface my hand could reach just to stand up. After a few short breaths, I felt my lungs and throat itching. It is as if some naughty pussycat dumped a big sticky furball inside my chest while I'm sleeping. As I walked towards the FX terminal, I felt something odd about the weather; it was a little too cold for a September morning.

And then I started coughing - gently and subtle at first, but as the day progresses, it became more frequent and more painful in the throat.

While my body stayed weak and sore even though I'm about to go back to bed and sleep once more.

It seems like stress has finally taken its toll on my body.

Unfortanely, I cried wolf too many times already, not even the janitor who cleans my station every morning would believe that I'm sick for real.

How Do You Relive The Pain

Girl: Ilang taon ka na?

Me: 24

Girl: Alam mo, impression ko sayo, napaka-immature mo pa.

Me: Paano mo nasabi.

Girl: Meron akong pamangkin, kasing edad mo siya pero parang kung mag-isip napaka-mature na niya.

Me: Ano nga ang grounds mo para sabihing immature ako.

Girl: Wala lang, the way you think, the way you act. Ganun.

Me: Could you be more specific?

Girl: Basta:

Me: Well I think that's the most stupid remark I've heard so far.

Me: And to be honest with you, I was very insulted.

- IM Disconnected -

---

Night falls...

I haven't recoved yet from the initial shock of her remark. On and on, I tried to probe my mind just to find out where did I go wrong and why she said such very insensitive observations about me. I wasn't doing anything when she told that. I wasn't even having a conversation with her when suddenly, her IM popped out of my view screen and started asking me those silly questions.

Is it because telling her all my occasional frustrations gave her that impression?

Is it because being close to her gave her an idea that she could freely express everything she wanted to tell me, whether it may be hurtful or disapproving?

---

Nasaktan ako sa totoo lang, at hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad ko pa ba siya sa mga sinabi niya o hindi na.

---

What makes matters more enraging is that she doesn't have any idea about the life I'm living. Maybe she thought that I'm just a typical, happy-go-lucky homo guy who loves talking about men, complaining about small things, comparing and profiling people that annoys or interests me. Maybe, that's just what she knows... other things which are more important, doesn't matter to her anymore.

I think Athena is right, she is a very dangerous woman. Someone, I would love to pin down if such opportunity arises. You know whats so sickening about recieving this comments? It makes you less of a person; It makes you forget the things that you have survived through the countless lives you have lived so far; and it makes you hate yourself more, instead of once and for all, embracing who you have become and appreciating the things you have shared in this world.

Because for all I remember, everybody has turned me down - from aunts and uncles who would tell me how hopeless my grades are in elementary, from classmates who would stay away from me because of my nasty unhygienic habits, from a barkada leader who forced me to changed my ways and adopt his standards of "hippiness," from a dad's friend who bluntly told me that I'm too inexperienced and gullible to run a family business... and so much more. Remembering all of them would just turn me into a people hater.

And for all the things they said to me, here I am still trying to catch up and retrieve any pride or confidence still left in me.

No wonder, my people skills are suffering because of such hurtful things they told me before: I avoid crowds, I became a timid and non-confrontational person, I became a renegade and hard to control when it comes to groups. When somebody assesses my personality, I'm not really a team oriented, barkada-centric person. In the long run, I have developed this individualistic instinct that allowed me to enjoy things many people who's not used to being alone would find absurd and impossible.

And because of the same trauma I've got from people, I learned to maintain such high degrees of formality and seriousness, people would have an impression that I'm a very unapproachable and distant person.

Which I am.

---

That's why next time, I'd even maintain a higher degree of distance so that people would have a harder time getting closer to me. I'd continue pinning down people who only knows how to criticize other people's shortcomings without any concrete ground or basis.

I will be more vocal this time.

And the next time I hear a nobody snide another stupid remark on my attitude or personality without any basis or concrete evidence that would support their assumptions, I swear I will resign my job immediately.

God knows how much dignity I have already lost ever since I worked in that company.

Distress Call

It pains me whenever somebody, out of the blue would call me immature.

Perhaps, there is a ground for that person to call me immature. But for no clear explanation at all... or just for the reason I think and talk alone, is I think perfectly baseless.

Can an immature person manage his finances so well, he doesn't have any troubles paying for his dues? Can an immature person provide sensible advices to those who needs it? Can an immature person be responsible enough to think bigger things like his family and friends rather than himself alone?

Can an immature person look beyond the present and into a future he is trying to make a little bit secure for himself and his loved ones.

Calling me immature based on how I think and talk alone is very unfair. In fact, it was something very disheartening and demoralizing, no matter how I tell myself to fight such lingering feeling.

And because of that, I had to vent it out, just to make myself feel better. Perhaps she's right. I'm still immature in a sense that I can't take criticism like a man.

Maybe... I'm taking too much flank and pressure these days, that all I ever wanted is for everyone to leave me alone. Especially if those people would just bring me down to make themselves feel fuckingly and shittingly better.

But, the question remains. Is she that mature herself? Before telling me such lousy things, I'd appreciate it if she reflects first whether she is mature enough to see herself first before looking at other people's percieved shortcomings.

Questions Of Pride

Dear Badinggerzie,

Sa tinagal-tagal ko na sa ganitong preference, hindi ko akalain na meron pa pala akong tinatagong reservations pag dating sa sexuality ko.

Kaninang umaga sa trabaho, aksidenteng nasiwalat ng isa kong katrabahong bading ang tungkol sa kabadingan ko sa lahat ng mga ka-team mate namin. Nagsimula ang lahat nang magreklamo ako sa kanya tungkol sa kabagalan ng internet connection ko na nakakaapekto pati na rin sa output ko sa trabaho. Wala naman akong inaasahang response sa kanya, kung tutuusin naghahanap lang naman ako ng maaring pagsabihan ng frustrations ko nang bigla biglang sinigaw niya sa akin ng pabiro na huwag daw akong mag-G4M para bumilis ang trabaho ko.

Okay lang sana kung doon na lang natapos ang bira niya pero dahil natural sa mga maiingay na bading ang walang prenong bunganga, nasabi niya pati na kesyo lalaki daw ang inaatupag ko umagang-umaga at bakit daw hindi ako gumaya sa kanya na sa sinehan ang diretso pagdating ng hapon. Siyempre, ang unang reaction ko eh dumepensa lalo na't hindi naman ako "officially" out sa lahat ng tao. Matapos mahimasmasan sa mga sinabi niya, narealize ko na nagtatawanan na pala ang lahat ng ka-team mate ko.

Sa totoo, pahiya ako sa mga naging tagpo namin sa harap nilang lahat. Sa sobrang badtrip ko, agad kong kinausap sa MSN ang isa sa mga panakapinagkakatiwalaan kong katrabaho tungkol sa preference ko - si Athena. Sinabi ko sa kanya na na pissed off ako sa nangyari at todo-todong pahiya ang inabot ko sa iba. Tugon niya sa akin, dapat daw hindi ko na pinapansin ang bagay na yun. Bukod sa talagang out na rin naman ako't tanggap na ng mga nakakaalam, wala naman talaga akong "tinatago" technically.

Sa isang banda, alam ko may point siya. Kung tutuusin dapat hindi naman big-deal itong bagay na ito kung naging normal at hindi kapahiya-pahiya ang sitwasyon. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko ang preference ko at hangga't maari hindi ko iyon ikinakaila sakali mang may maglakas loob itanong sa akin iyon ng diretso. Pero sa paraan ng pag-oout sa akin ng katrabaho ko, dun ako nanggalaiti ng husto. Sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, napilitan akong lumipat ng upuan makalayo lamang sa kanya.

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Para sa akin kasi, ang preference ang isa sa mga bagay na hangga't maari ay hindi mo kailangang ipagkalat sa iba, lalo na't hindi mo alam kung ano ang magiging reaction ng mga nakakaalam nito sa preference mo. Sa case ko, tingin ko hindi na nila business malaman yun - lalo na't mangagaling pa sa iba na tinuturing mong stereotype na pilit mong binabago. Higit sa lahat, ito pa'y nangyari sa paraang hindi maganda sa mga nakarinig. Buti sana kung ito'y napag-usapan sa isang inuman o sentihang paraan kung saan higit na maiintindihan ng mga nakarinig ang iyong pagpapaliwanag.

Naalala ko tuloy yung isang effeminate na halos apat na oras kung tumambay sa gym ko. Kung tutuusin, hindi naman work out ang ginagawa niya kundi magtingin lang ng mga lalaking nagbubuhat. Ang badtrip pa dun, kapag trip niya ang lalaki, lalandiin pa niya ito't tsa-tsansingan sa paraang masagwa kahit sa paningin ng isa ring bading.

Minsan, habang may kausap rin akong nagy-gym kasabay namin, hindi niya naiwasan i-bring up ang tungkol sa inaasal noong effem na yun sa gym namin. Sabi niya, hindi naman daw talaga nagbubuhat yung bading na yun kundi naghahanap lang ng mahahada. Sa pagkakasabi niyang yun na medyo nagboborder pa sa tonong nangkukutya, hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit ang mga bading ay patuloy pa ring dinidiscriminate ng mga straight.

Sa asal at kalandian pa lang na pinapakita nung effem sa tuwing magkakasabay kami mag-work out, maiintindihan na ng isang katulad ko kung bakit ang discreet at straight-acting ay madalas lumalayo sa effem. Makita ko pa lang ang gaslaw ng kamay niya, alam ko na kung bakit discriminated at takot mag-out ang isang closetang bading lalo na't nakakakita ng kagaya niya.

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At siguro yun ang basehan ng naging galit at sama ng loob ko kanina.

Para sa isang katulad ko na hindi naman magaslaw ang kilos at lambutin sa harap ng mga ordinaryong tao, ang ma-out at mapahiya ng basta ganun na lang ay talaga namang mamasamain mo - aminin mo man ito o hindi. Sa kaso kanina kung saan dominated ng mga straight at hindi ko masyadong mga kadikit na trabaho ang makakarinig, pakiramdam ko, ang kanyang mga sinabi ay labag sa aking privacy. Kung sa kanya, isang malaking joke ang maging bading...

...sa akin hindi.

Malaking bagay pa rin sa akin ang i-out ang sarili ko sa mga taong pinipili kong pagsabihan nito.

Napapaisip tuloy ako kung tama ba ang ginagawa kong mas maging open sa mga effem at magtiwala sa mga ito higit pa sa tiwalang binibigay ko sa straight acting. Tama ba ang mag-encourage ng mga confused na tanggapin ang sarili at lumantad sa iba kung ganito rin naman ang mangyayari?

Sa dinami-dami ng mga tanong na bumabalot sa akin simula ng mangyari ang aksidente kanina, ang pinakamatinding katanungan sa akin ngayon ay kung proud ba talaga ako sa sexuality ko't kaya ko ba ito ipaglaban,

O ito'y isang patawa lamang?

Amats

Back in college, Booze parties were such a regular feature of my life that it doesn't really matter whether I get drunk or not.

It was in my sophomore year when I first experienced how to be drunk, that I literally have thrown up along Dapitan Street. I was so drunk then and so are my friends, that I had to excuse myself at home and have a sleepover in a friend's house.

In third year, I have learned not to hold toma sessions at home - especially when we would have hard drinks for booze, for I have discovered that I get easily and severely hit by the horrible drink. As long as the venue would be at home, expect that I would do the impossible under the spirit of alcohol and have a horrible hang-over the following day.

In fact, there was this one session that all of tropa got so heavily drunk that it almost costed us an issue at home. A friend had thrown up in my room, while another one slept in the bathroom. In my case, I decided to throw up in this specific plant in the front yard while taking a leak on it at the same time. While doing those dischargings, I even claimed that the plant is my "bestfriend." The following morning, the plant was so covered with puke and gin that some of its leaves were visibly dissolved by my suka.

During my 2oth birthday, the same tropa persuaded me to throw a little drinking session at home after school to celebrate my day much to my protest. Suddenly, a long time kababata crashed in my place and eventually joined the little booze party as well. Without really having control of the situation, they bought a Gin Red for our booze of choice. Soon I was getting so much hits that I passed out even before my family got home.

To my surprise, my mom and dad were planning a suprise dinner party for me as well that night. Since I was so wasted just to get up and join them for dinner, the following morning they were so disappointed at the turn of events that they grounded me the following week. After that, I vowed never to drink again at home, even if I have to crawl on the streets coming from somebody else's booze party.

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Yesterday afternoon, I was invited again by the tomador group in our shift to a drinking session. This group was really infamous for their booze gatherings for it is assured that once you joined them in their sessions, you will never get home sober afterwards.

The last time I was there, we had a case of Red Horse for our booze party. By 6 pm, my vision was already blurred and my head was beginning to swirl like coming from a fast merry-go-around ride. No matter how I tried to close my eyes and regain my balance then, all I can feel is the world going around me.

Good thing before we left, I had a chance to throw up and take out most of the alcohol I drunk. A colleague even gave me a slice of chocolate to lessen the effects of alcohol through a sugar boost. However yesterday afternoon, we forgot to buy a chocolate or other sweet foodstuff for such phenomenon that will surely happen to me. As expected, by 6 pm, I can already feel the spirit taking control of me.

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The problem lies not in the alcohol itself but on how I consume it.

Being a habit, I tend to consume massive volumes of shots early in the session just to feel drunk for it relaxes my inhibitions tremendously. Whenever I feel the effects of booze I have taken, the more I get bolder in taking more and more shots - even to the point of violating the bangkaan typical of a booze party.

In the end, while others still feel sober, I am already swinging whenever I go to the bathroom or elsewhere. Fortunately, I don't get violent or annoying whenever I get drunk.

Last night, I had to excuse myself earlier than the rest after I found out that there's another neck of Ginebra Red arriving from the host's acquaintance who was just about to arrive. During that time, I was already positioning myself in finding a constant place somewhere in the backyard where I could throw up whatever contents I have taken so far.

But to no avail, I can still feel the swirling feeling on my head. I had no other choice but to go home and sleep.

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The long trip from Marikina to Manila was a very tense experience.

Any moment, I could throw up in the FX from my colleague's subdivision to Cubao. From Cubao, I boarded a jeep and decided to sit on the driver's row (front seat). Choosing the outer seat rather than the middle one, the chances of loosing my balance and falling out of the jeepney was pretty high.

I had no choice but to sit in the outer area since it turned out that I would throw up all the way from Aurora to Ramon Magsaysay Boulevard. Good thing, I only threw small amounts of suka in the form of spit, or the other passengers might find out that I am drunk.

When I arrived home, my mom was in the living room watching her favorite PBB show. My first impulse was to act normal in hopes that she won't notice me. I immediately went to the bathroom so I could wash my face and cool myself a little. The househelps were currently eating their dinner so they might have paid little attention to my arrival.

While lying on my bed, the swirling in my head intensified no matter how I close my eyes. So I decided to get up and return to the bathroom (this time in the second floor) and attempted to throw out whatever Gin that remained inside my stomach.

With little effort, I managed to throw out almost all the contents of my tummy - and leaving the entire place awfully smelly afterwards. After cleaning myself (and the bathroom), I went back to bed. This time, I was able to fall asleep without the headache or the constant swirling on my head.

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One lesson I keep on forgetting over and over again is that one of the most notorious booze a person could ever drink is the Gin.

It was the Gin that made me puke on an ornamental plant and claim it was my bestfriend - only to find it dead the following morning; It was the Gin that messed up my birthday - and lead to the discovery of my parents that I already drink alcohol; It was also the Gin that triggered the self-destruct nights we had during the Outsider's weekly booze party at James' former pad.

And it was a Ginebra Red we drank last night. It was that vile alcohol that almost made me crawl on the streets of Cubao going home and tempted me to crash at Fahrenheit to take a "shower" there as a temporary solution to my drunkeness.

Finally, it was also the reason why I had a terrible hang-over when I arrived at work this morning. Good thing, I woke up early so I was not late even though I was still nursing a little headache when I ate my breakfast during my first break.