Valentines (Last Part)

Half an hour to go before Valentines Day is over.

The day went by almost unnoticed, like the five years that came before. Five years. That's how long it took before I finally realized that I'm better off on my own. Valentines Day with Phanks was a roller-coaster experience. It was a ride where I both felt being at the crest and base of the emotion called love.

We bore witness to the first Lovepalooza in Roxas Boulevard during our first run. We never kissed, but to be there as a couple was the apex of our relationship. Father died the second year so I never had any story to tell about our Valentines - except perhaps vignettes of grieving and accepting a life less of a loved one. A cold war erupted during our third. The blog never explained the reasons, but I hint that he had other important matters to attend and the occasion simply passed as a mere footnote to his life story. We welcomed the fourth by having a movie and dinner date at Robinson's Place a week earlier. By some divine joke, Valentines Day came to a close with me cuddling someone in bed. Yes, the partner decided to sleep over at my place. I wonder if mother heard the moaning and grunting sounds we made that morning. The fifth I was broke, but we were able to have a decent lunch at Gary's Taft despite a heaving stomach and a broken soul. Those were my Valentines days with him and looking back at how our time went by, it wasn't as bad as I thought before writing this entry.

However, one thing that is lacking with him is the initiative to steer the wheel. I cannot remember a time when it was he who planned our activities or spent entirely for our dates. It was always my call and had I let him run the show, probably we have never achieved anything at all. Friends were right when they said I spoiled my ex to the brim. I lessened his burdens by taking responsibility over our relationship that it became a one-way affair. How unfortunate that when he finally saw what was missing, I was already preparing to take flight.

We broke up without ever seeing each other.

Despite our tragic past, I sincerely wish that he found solace tonight. It is my hope that somewhere along the road, he met someone deem worthy as my replacement. As for me, replacing him is easy. With a market value that is on the rise, it would not be a surprise if I suddenly speak of romance like I clumsily found it passing my direction one of these weeks.

But there are matters that are easier to ignore than to pursue half-heartedly only to abandoned it at the end.

One of them is love.

And now that I am strong enough to stand without anyone to hold me up, I think it would be best that I remain distant to anyone who would make my heart beat. It is a choice I have to bear, rather than unintentionally hurt people who suddenly find themselves entering my cold space.

---

So how did I spend my Valentines?

Like during the Christmas and New Year's eve, I let Mugen and Darkstar frolic the places I once called home. On the dance floor, we learned how lonely people pretending to be tough disarm themselves when they find someone stronger than them. The dance partner I chose last night had this boundless energy that kept me bouncing and prancing until my legs hurt. I thought he was simply there for the dance but when he pulled my shirt closer to his body, I knew he wanted more.

Suddenly I was reminded of a time when it was me who leaned my head against someone's back. The emotional troubles were simply too much to bear that to press a part of me against somebody was enough to claim a slice of my strength back.

Now it was someone else and when he groped his arms around my body, I responded with even a tighter hug to make him feel needed. He pressed his face against my chest hard enough to let me feel the troubles of his heart. I felt his loneliness; his inner longing for a savior despite being in the company of (fuck) friends. The night concluded with us making out while being surrounded by envious and snooty people looking for their rightful one on the dance floor. When he turned his back to check his buddies, (who took pictures of us while kissing and groping in front of them) I made a hasty exit without saying goodbye. My two needy invisible companions had their fill and getting someone's number wasn't necessary to prolong the deed.

I went to work recalling how Valentines were done in elementary after passing a queue of pupils on their way for their first communion the following morning.

Back then, a pupil would have to dodge a swarm of vendors selling long-stemmed roses and plastic heart necklaces before they can push themselves toward the school gate's entrance. A rose would cost around ten pesos and if you're lucky enough to be given by your sweet mother an extra twenty for your baon, you would spend the extra cash acquiring those flowers and giving them to the teacher of your choice.

The teacher - usually your adviser - receiving your long-stemmed blossom would appreciate the thoughtfulness. She would suddenly express an air of concern whenever she sees you running along the corridor. From then forth, expect your academic interests secured until the school year is over. That is how I learned the fine art of Public Relations. In fourth year college many years later, I was able to use the same tricks to secure a passing grade in Spanish. Apparently, the elderly Senora Soresca never received any flowers from her other students that when he saw me reaching my hand to give her my long stem from Tecson's, it automatically translated to a grade of 3 no matter how many exams I flunked in her class.

Suddenly I missed the days when nobody would greet you "Happy Single Awareness Day" like your well being and sanity depends on having a special someone today.

---

It was Pulsar's turn to run my Valentines according to what he deems ideal.

Immediately after the shift was over, I headed towards the nearby Puregold Supermarket to procure the goods I previously pledged for the Hanap Barkada's Paglingap Outreach Activity. If Mugen finds contentment in hugs and kisses from cute strangers and Darkstar enjoys seeing other heads crane towards his direction whenever he shows up in front of people, Pulsar's satisfaction needs are way up higher than my two other egos. His requirements this time would include two bundles of 11 pieces adult diapers, one 12-roll toilet paper, 5 kilos of detergent soap, and two rolls of cotton. I didn't check how much it cost me, but the sheer enjoyment of doing something selfless for others was enough to compensate for the financial lost.

Pulsar and I delivered the goods all the way to Pasay without any assistance from anyone. We did some tricky balancing act passing narrow aisles inside jeeps and buses and endured seeing couples all over the place busily expressing their love for one another. Had I been a little focused on my state of miserable singlehood, I would never go out to be seen by others in the first place.

But this occasion is different. Seven years; Three failed successive relationships; One chance to enjoy a Valentines I always had in mind. This year may not be the same Valentines I will be celebrating in the years to come.

Because things will continue to change and what truly matters is now.

So I made a decision to go full throttle. It will be the most expensive Valentines Date I will give to people closest to me.

---

8:30 PM, Greenwich Quiapo Hidalgo

"Miss yung Family Pizza Overload please."

"Would that be all sir?"

"Yes, how long would it take before I can get my order."

"13 minutes sir, okay lang ba sa inyo?"

"Yep, ikot lang ako sa labas. Balik na lang ako."

"Okay sir."

---

9 PM 7-Eleven Santa Mesa

"Magkano yung [?]gallon ng Rocky Road?"

"250 po."

"Ah eh, sandali lang ha withdraw muna ako."

After balancing the family size pizza and yawning wallet on my right hand while sliding the ATM card on the machine slot, I was able to withdraw 200 pesos from my account.

"Heto yun 100."

---

Ten minutes later.

"Oi pa-valentines ko sa inyo. Enjoy sa pizza at ice cream!!!"

Dates, Lovers and Friends may come and go. But to welcome the occasion with your family and the needy is I think the most sublime way of celebrating Valentines Day.

Valentines (First Part)

Happy Valentines Day!

It is the time of the year when most couples want to be seen so that they can take pride of their love for one another. It is one occasion aside from Christmas where people wants to belong and dread being left out by peers who endlessly gloat and brag about their activities for this once-in-a-year event. Today is a phenomenon where one feels significantly lonely being alone, while those who have significant others take every opportunity to make their presence felt so that their other would know how good it is to be taken and how wonderful it is to be romantically involved with someone.

As for those who are single, they try to ignore the significance of this date by trying to reason out that this day is just as ordinary as the other days of the year.

Others have equipped themselves with different methods to avoid the lingering sadness of being single. Many do engage in group dates believing that there is joy in the flock of loners. Others would turn invisible just until this day pass. They convert their closets, bedrooms or any other space they consider their own as impregnable fortresses against solitude. Some of them succeed in their little pretension, while the rest - ditch the negative vibes by asking anyone to be their date. After all, nobody wants to be lonely and the company of someone is enough relief until the person they wait arrives.

Inquiries about my plans for Valentines began to pour since last week. These friends who are single are probably fishing for ideas on how to spend the occasion dateless. They know that I will keep my word when I claimed that I won't look for a date or a special someone just to be in season. I never even clinched when there was a mad rush to harvest a potential date to show for tonight.

But behind the facade of a confident bachelor, I think only few people know the real reasons for exhibiting such aversion for the occasion. You see, I do not remember having a lovely romantic valentines experience. Most, if not all, would fall insignificant to the Valentine's of my youth. Even when I was taken, I would cringe at the thought of joining every lovers in celebrating the holiday.

Valentine's is just a day. I could celebrate my love for someone all year round.

---

The campaign season for the student council elections was approaching its dramatic climax when I spent my first valentine's with a significant other. Unfortunately my ex-girlfriend and I belong to rival parties so it was difficult to be seen together inside the campus. We were able to spend the Valentines in an obscure diner in one of the narrow streets along Dapitan that day. I remember ordering Mango Crepe for the two of us. There were no flowers, cakes or even greeting cards to celebrate the occasion. I do not even recall if we were able to talk beyond politics during our date. Black propaganda strewn by our political parties were tearing us apart and the thoughts of cool-off never ventured beyond our midst. At the same time, something more sinister is stirring my way of thinking. My sexual preference is being challenged by outside forces.

A few days later, I found myself making out with some guy I met during a grand-eyeball among gays, lesbians and bisexuals from Pinoyexchange. Shortly after graduation that same year, I broke up with my girl and started dating guys like me.

---

It was also during Valentine's Day that I tasted my first break-up.

Things were not going well between me and my first boyfriend, Raizen. I was getting fed up with our daily fights and I felt his presence drifting from me. Our relationship had its nasty turn when I ran away and sought solace at Mister Piggy's a few weeks before. The expedition ended up in a passionate one night stand with someone I met at the bar. Raizen never knew that incident but I became less subservient to his demands after. The guy I got laid made me realize that I deserve someone better; that my affection should be appreciated and not taken for granted by the person who directly benefits from it.

Despite the growing rift, I tried to mend our broken relationship by giving him a surprise gift on Valentine's Day. I didn't go to work the day before just to buy an original Regine Velasquez CD at Music One. I also saved a substantial amount of money from my meager allowance should he accept my invitation to go out and date me. The following day, I left my post early to pick him up at work. He was in a good mood when I saw him, only to find out later that the reason for his high spirits was because an admirer sent him a long-stemmed red rose.

"Buti pa yung iba, nakakaalala akong bigyan ng rose." His wind whispers reached my ears. Fuming to the verge of walking out, we went home without speaking to each other. Had I known that he would love to receive flowers, I would have given him a bouquet of red blooming roses instead.

The cold treatment did not work. Instead of reaching out and apologizing for his insensitive remarks, Raizen responded with greater ferocity by ignoring my explanations when it was my turn to reach out. We were arguing in front of many people along Maceda St, when suddenly, he blurted.

"Umuwi ka na."

I tried to give him my Valentine's gift only to shove it back to me. Frustrated, I left without speaking a word. It was the first time I stood up to his pushover. That evening he called the shots. Our relationship was over and I didn't beg him to reconsider. Instead, I embraced his initiative by letting him go.

Raizen and I never got to date each other that Valentines. I was there in Quatro with my BrOdders, celebrating the occasion with a group date contingent.

---

-tobecontinued-

->"<-

Dear Raizen

We've both came into each other's lives just when we're at the lowest point of our existence. Too bad, we've met at the wrong place, wrong set-up; you left your fling just to get my attention that night, and did something at the wrong time... we born out of mistakes.

But those mistakes would sooner be my redemption. Your mistakes to your fling compelled me to stay when you were alone at the bar. The mistakes we did that morning provided the key for me to get attached... to you.

A few days followed and feeling became mutual... mutual infatuation, mutual fear. Maybe those mistakes we've done individually before are the reasons why we fear each other's company now: You, cannot believe me that I am beginning to close other doors in favor of you.. I, always terrifying myself that you were just there to make my life more miserable than before. We brood those fears until it burst out tonight.

You want to set me free because you think that what you feel is just a mere mistake, while I, trying to cling on to you to correct whatever mistakes I have done in my past.

Probably, we're in limbo now, but you know what. That stupid feeling, which tormented me this past few days is also my single source of strength: resume finally completed after three weeks of attempting to write it, the much planned diet and fitness lifestyle that would turn everything upside down, finally, has now been set in motion.

I may never know what other things I could do by mere driving me to push the limits. Probably this is what they call love, but now I am experiencing one of the most horrible birth pains I have been.

So what now, reason suggests that I should take steps swiftly but at the same time moderating it on multi-dimensional levels. Probably I'll meet you today, like I did yesterday.. and know whatever I need to know about you, before doing stupid things out of... love.

Till then, don't worry and take care.

We're just fictional characters after all.

"Birth Pains"
Pinoyexchange, Alien Nation One
November 18, 2002

---

Siya si Raizen, ang una kong naging boyfriend. Naging kami walong buwan matapos akong makipag-split up sa aking girlfriend. Bente-uno ako noon samantalang siya naman ay bente-otso. Ang layo ng pagitan no?

Buong akala ko na siya ang magdadala sa relasyon namin, subalit doon ako nagkakamali. Masyado akong napaniwala na bilang matanda sa akin, siya ang gagabay sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam tungkol sa buhay PLU. Naloko niya ako. Baguhan man sa relasyong lalaki sa lalaki, subalit ako ang higit nagsuko ng aking kalayaan upang ibsan ang kanyang mga pangamba sa aming pagsasama. Tingin niya kasi ay explorer ako samantalang siya naman ay nawalan na ng tiwala sa pag-ibig. Binago ko ang kanyang impression, ngunit sa maraming pagkakataon ay mukhang nabigo ako.

Sa tatlong buwang naming pagiging kami, araw-araw akong umaalis sa trabaho ng maaga upang siya ay masundo sa kanyang HMO Clinic. Ma-late ako ng ilang minuto at tiyak ay pagmumulan ito ng away. Hawak niya ang aking cellphone at lahat ng mag-text dito ay lagi niyang iniisip na aking kalandian. Bago matulog ay kailangan kong i-miss call ang kanyang telepono gamit ang landline sa bahay upang kanyang matiyak ang aking kinaroroonan. Bago mag-alas sais ng umaga ay kailangan rin na nai-text ko na sa kanya ang aking good morning text message.

Nasikil ang aking kalayaan noon sa ngalan ng pag-ibig. Noong unang beses na nagbanta siya ng paghihiwalay ay naging saksi si Dodong sa aking paghagulgol sa telepono. Bilang lang sa daliri ang mga araw na hindi kami nag-away at noong siya ay ma-confine sa isang ospital sa Ortigas dahil sa isang karamdaman, hindi ang kanyang pamilya ang unang sumaklolo sa kanya.

Ako.

Marahil ay naging madali para sa kanya ang lahat para ma-appreciate ang mga sakripisyo ko. Looking at a hindsight, ang tanging hiningi ko lang sa kanya ay commitment - ang monogamy. Sa kasamaang palad, ako rin ang sumira nito nang minsang napagod ako kakasunod sa kanya. Humingi ako ng assurance sa iba, na buong lugod na binigay sa akin ng isang nakilala ko sa isang club. Tinuturing kong the best yung One Night Stand na yun. Ilang araw matapos ang mga nangyari ay naging matapang na ako. Sa mga araw na hindi siya nagpaparamdam ay nakatuon ang aking focus sa mga kaibigan. Sumapit ang Valentines Day na nagkakalabuan kaming dalawa. Sa kabila nito, may regalo akong Regine CD para sa kanya. Pagdating sa kanyang clinic nang hapong iyon ay naabutan ko siyang pinagmamalaki ang isang Rose stem na bigay sa kanya diumano ng isang admirer.

"Buti pa yung iba, binibigyan ako ng rose samantalang yung iba diyan, wala."

Lubha kong dinamdam iyon. Hindi kami nagpansinan buong biyahe pauwi.

Akmang ibibigay ko sa kanya ang Regine CD na ilang linggo na niya inaasam nang bigla niya itong binalik sa akin. Sa pagkakataong iyon, naubos ang pasensya ko. Ako ang nag-walk out sa pagitan naming dalawa. February 14, araw ng mga puso para sa karamihan ang araw ng aming paghihiwalay.

Taon ang binilang bago ko siya napatawad. Nangyari lamang ang aming closure nang harap-harapan niyang inamin sa akin ang mga nawala noong ako ay kanyang bitawan. I was vindicated. Sa totoo, water under the bridge na ang lahat kahit na ang mga ala-alang natira ay ang aming pangit na nakaraan.

Ilang araw ko na iniisip kung bakit sumagi si Raizen nang si Tannis ay naghangad pumasok sa aking buhay. Sa unang impression ay mukha naman silang iba ng personality. Handa na sana akong ipagwalang-bahala ang nararamdaman kong konesyon sa kanilang dalawa nang bigla ay nabasa ko ang mga patnubay na aking iniwan upang maging silbing babala sa aking hinaharap.

It pays when you write in the past addressed to your future.

---

nagkita kami, nagkasama, nagpalitan ng kaluluwa.

mas matanda, higit na mas may "experience" sa mga naka-impluwensya sakin, bitter sa pag-ibig, may tendency makipaglaro at manakit ng puso,

"sweet," may trabaho, game at agresibo, bansot pero sobrang whammy para sa akin (kahit ipilit niyang panget siya), mas discreet at masculine sakin at higit sa lahat eh trip akong kasama (siya ang unang lumapit)... ewan ko pero parang hulog siya ng langit (o padala ng impyerno) dipende sa magiging galaw ko.

At ano naman ang magiging galaw ko...

magpapaka-tweetums (kahit pang-tukling), ida-date (kahit sya ang may trabaho at ako ang wala), pasimpleng papasok sa buhay niya't lalasunin siya para tamaan ng todo sa akin (hehehe)
In short: magiinvest ako ng emotions, para sa mokong na yun.

To the point: ano ang gusto kong mangyari balang araw?

Buddy, F-uc-k Buddy (sayang naman kasi eh), Open Commitment, (sya ang open, ako ang solid) Ka-Tropa, Bestfriend, Big Brother Material... Ewan, nakakatakot siya eh, madali niya akong magagag0 kung gusto niya.

Endymionn, ano ang iyong depensa?

Wala eh... ipilit ko mang sabihin sa utak kong sasaktan niya rin ako kapag tinuloy ko ang galaw ko... huli na rin eh, nagsimula na akong magpakat a n g a sa harap niya eh. Magkikita pa kaya kami?

Pero kung maari lang... kahit sa pantasya lang, sana makasama ko ulit siya...

TAENA, puso ko ba yung tumibok?!?!

"Happy Thoughts 4"
Pinoyexchange, Alien Nation One
November 16, 2002

---

Now I understand why I let fear consume me more than Tannis' promise of a future.




---

-tobecontinued-
pex entries unedited to preserve the author's writing.

Cool

Sometime during my first wild days season, I met this very wasted guy at Mint before. Being quite tired from all the madness I've been doing that quarter, I have almost lost all my hopes in finding my first real lover.

I began that Friday night relatively normal. Being normal means I would go to that said bar, dance till morning comes, have some outrageously wild PDAs with some guy I meet in the floor then go home to begin a new day. That was my plan for that night

But who would have ever thought that it would turn out very different from those other Friday nights I've been there.

He was 27, with a date, whom he had dumped outrightly because of me. I was 21, relatively fresh and was just beginning to pick up the pieces of myself after I surrender my feelings to Roy.

We were both lonely, we both needed some new company. I was in a mood to be quite nice towards him, after all, he was my type - being mestiso, with strong cheekbone defining his face, with a very maangas looks and all.

No wonder, when he asked me to stay, I immediately agreed to spend the night with him at a motel, which was my first time and I even allowed him to bottom me till-I-bleed for the very first time.

Two days after our intimate moments we declared ourselves

A couple.

He was my first buddy and his impact remains being felt three years after it all happened.

---

Who would have ever thought that he had a lot of issues when we became us.

He was paranoid, had a boring yet very wild life (compared to what my statistics were during those days), but I was relatively promising since I was a lot more younger then and that's what he was very afraid of. That's why I resolved myself to shun my life in favor of his.

A week after became us, I began picking him up from his work everyday and we ate our dinner together when we arrive at his dorm.

For the first two and a half months, I never faltered with my commitment. I would leave my work early just to be with him on time. I would get upset and sometimes even cry when we get into fights, which happens almost every day. I completely stopped having my own night outs and in exchange for that, he would sleep over my apartment at Project 6, which was mostly pilitan pa.

In relative terms, he was my master. I spoiled him but at the same time, I never felt that he appreciated my efforts that much. He would get weary and accused me of flirting around whenever I get some friendly text message from someone he didn't know - sometimes, he would even doubt my very own friends which often leads to our fights

It was a mental torture, but I got around his system because I loved him very much.

Until things get nasty during the last few weeks of our relationship.

---

As the story goes, he was admitted in a hospital after the doctors found signs of a major lung ailment. A friend, which was his ex buddy brought a friend which began flirting with him behind my back days after he was released from confinement.

Eventually I discovered it and I became furious. He said he was doing nothing, but his text messages clearly shows that he was lying.

Weeks after, their flirting continues. I fought back by running away at Mister Piggy's and eventually meeting Toto, who was also wasted and quite lonely that night. In short, I fucked around without his knowledge.

After all, I felt that our relationship is already doomed.

Valentines Day came and I prepared for it. Bought him an original Regine CD only to find out that someone gave him a Red Rose.

That afternoon, I was severely upset. He even added more insults after claiming all he ever wanted was a rose that Valentines Day. I, on the other hand believed that it came from some other guy whom he started flirting after things between us became relatively nasty.

That evening, it came to a point where I was already defiant and bitter after he never appreciated my efforts to give him what I assumed he likes. He responded to it by being defiant himself.

He called it quits. I formalized our break-up the moment I got his text message.

Valentines Day, I declared my independence...

... and ended up spending it with my Odders friends at Quattro and with Roy at Mister Piggys that same night.

---

Looking back, I harbored very ill feelings after we broke up. Although, we ended it quite nicely but at a deeper level, I have never got past through those three months of intense sacrifice.

Immediately after we broke up, I began my second wild-days season, which was relatively brief for Phanks suddenly came into my life.

When he realized what he lost after breaking up with me, I was already beginning investing my emotions toward my new buddy.

Occasionally, our lives would meet at certain junctions. After me, he had brief relationships with some of my closest friends.

But I've always been confident that ours was very unique... after all, nobody among them had seen my ex very very close and in a deeply personal way.

Last time we saw each other, we had a showdown at Malate. Once again, he was wasted after my friend broke up with him a night after I vocally ended my hatred towards him.

Several weeks ago, he sent me a testimonial in my friendster. For reasons I can't really explain, after all those years of being indifferent and cold towards him, he still attempts to normalize our relations despite everything that came between us.

I guess right now, all I can say is that after all those years my attitude has already changed from being coldly indifferent to being cool. Maybe my issues with Phanks has somehow made me accept the realities that normally happens between man to man couples.

Looking back, I'm glad that things happened the way it should be. Now that everything is all too clear for me now, I guess we were never meant for each other. His life is far more complicated, messy and lonely compared to mine.

Besides, its easier to introduce phanks at home than having to introduce him, a late-twenties bf.

Now that all has been said and done and that our past has finally been written in my book of days,

I guess its finally time for me to respond to his testimonial.

---

Remember Harbor Boulevard

The dreaming days where the mess was made

Look how all the kids have grown, oh

We have changed but we're still the same

After all that we've been through

I know we're cool

I know we're cool

Yeah, I know we're cool

- Gwen Stefani, Cool

Once Upon A Time, There Was A Tomorrow (Finale)

“Bakit ba ang tabing dagat ang laging tagpuan ng mga masasayang alaalang hindi na mauulit muli?”

- MMS saved message

--

The sea beckons and it was the most breathtaking sight we have seen during our journey. Too bad it was cloudy so we can’t take pictures of the sunset that afternoon. But nevertheless, the sight of Baywalk was very much relieving after we spent a depressing and wake-up-and-smell -the-reality trip down the poverty lane.

After we found a spot to park her van, we began to take a stroll for ex-girlfriend needs a clean washroom so that she could change her shirt. Fortunately there’s this pay washroom several stalls aways from where we are so we didn’t have to walk that far in order for her to change her get-up.

--

I sat near the edge of the concrete slab that separates the sea from the baywalk itself while I waited for her to come out of the washroom. I remembered that less than a week ago, it was IceRose who was with me in that same place. The sun was setting then on the horizon, and we had a good time watching it descend behind the clouds. We even tried taking pictures of ourselves with the setting sun as our background.

Ex-girlfriend finally came out and she’s now sporting a very tight white shirt with pink writings in front of it. Despite our fatigue and exhaustion from all the walking we did under the sun, she was still radiant and beautiful. The smile she showed from the moment we met at McDonalds still remained on her face.

She sat beside me and we were now facing each other. She began to talk about her past jobs, while my thoughts remained fixated on her T-shirt. It was relatively fit that her curves began to appear on the sides. She was still talking about her career, when I suddenly interrupted to comment about her get-up in a friendly manner.

Then the past suddenly emerged in the course of our conversation.

--

“Do you remember the time when you won’t allow me to dress like this?” She said. “Yeah, I remembered and you kept on complaining why I won’t allow you to dress like that in public.”

I replied.

Yes, those were the times when "conservatism" ruled over me. The new Joms would never relate to my former self. Since I've got this far into telling our story, I have a confession to make... In the course of our six-month relationship, I never got to kiss her. We never displayed our affection in public. And the words "I love you." rarely comes out of my mouth.

Ours was a hybrid between a platonic and puppy-love one. In fact, whenever I think about it these days, I simply asked myself why on earth did I content myself with that kind of set-up. I could at least become more intimate and affectionate towards her.

After we talked about the way she dressed, and the way she percieved my conyotic get-up before, our conversation became more intense and personal. The things I avoided to talk about while we were on the van as we travelled along C4 Road now flow freely in our conversation.

“You know what, I felt so awkward after I volunteered myself to be your company today.” I said. "I thought you won’t respond after I sent you that text telling you that I am free and willing to accompany you the whole day.”

Ex-girlfriend just smiled.

Our conversation went on and on – ranging from our album she gave me before, which she thought I burned when we broke up to the things I didn’t had the chance to say when she was talking about it while inside the van.

--

"I think I have already paid for the mistakes I did to you. Looking back, the one after you made me realize how it feels like to be the one exerting the effort to make the relationship work. The one after ours was so different, that I began to appreciate our relationship. I saw my flaws and shortcomings toward you."

--

She asked if I was seeing someone in which I replied I am committed. I never mentioned about my preference, but I made it sure that she would get an idea how I run my relationships nowadays. In response to her question, I asked her if she found another one after me. For the first time, she revealed to me that I am still her last. Although, ex-girlfriend followed it up that there were a lot of suitors - most of them older guys who weilded power in every sector of the society, she added that no one came very close like I did. Perhaps its because she had learned her lessons from me or maybe our beginnings were so different because we started as very close friends, the intentions of having a relationship came up much later.

She also told me the story behind her decision to forgive me and forget all the pains I gave her. Ex-girlfriend said that she attended a retreat one time, and while they were having this sort of sharing, the thought of me suddenly came into my mind. There and then, she asked for a sign (which I forgot now), but suffice to say, her prayer was answered.

Two and a half years after we broke up, I recieved a friendster message from her days before my birthday. It was a letter of forgiveness. From then forth, we have restored our communication and it culminated to a one on one meet up last Friday.

Truth is, I'm not really sure if it would ever happen again but I am still hopeful. After all, I told her that in exchange for attending my dad's wake last February, I would forever be of assistance to her.

We talked about some more things, like what she plans in the future and how she handles the guys that are courting her She told me that althought she is happily living a single life right now, she’s actively dating other guys occassionaly. In fact, she told me that there is “someone” who is making her happy right now and she's hopeful that it would lead into something deeper and better someday.

As she talked about the guys that she dated from time to time, I gave her a glimpse of how it feels like being in a relationship with me... I told her the difference between then and now and how my flaws and shortcomings to her affected the way I run my relationships nowadays...

--

"If our relationship happened today, you would notice a different me. Gone are the mushy days we had before, and expect me to be more touchy, confident and aggressive. I would be more possessive and wary to the people around you, but at the same time, you can expect my full commitment since I would ensure that I would be controlled by our routines. I really don’t know if things would work out between us with that set-up, or if it would make you happy with the relationship. That’s how things have changed.

But no matter the changes were, I would still be the non-confrontational Joms you have known before."

--

The clouds were already gathering, and the prospects of seeing the sunset has become dimmer and dimmer.

She thanked me for helping her do her field work. She even apologized for not treating me for a snack since I accompanied her the whole day.

Lastly she thanked me for finally making a final and formal closure to our failed relationship. “At least” she said, “I won’t have any emotional baggage if ever we never meet again…”

And the truth is, I was hurt with what she said. Finally it all came to me that this day had happened for us, not to build friendships again but actually have a formal end to whatever things that connects us from our common past.

--

"This is the long goodbye

Somebody tell me why

Two lovers in love can't make it

Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?

No matter how hard I tryYou're gonna make me cry

Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it

All that's happening here is a long goodbye"

- Ronan Keating, The Long Goodbye

--

Suddenly the rains began to fall so we went back to the van. Since we have already done whatever is needed to be done, she asked the driver to take her home. I still have some errands to do so I asked her if she could just drop me off somewhere along Pedro Gil instead near my home.

She dropped me off in front of Robinson's Place after seven hours of being together. Our last moments together was full of pleasantries. Is it as if, finally nothing comes between us.

But deep in my heart, there were things I forgot to say...

After having a formal closure and declaring finality on our past; after the guilt has been partially lifted, the mistakes were forgiven and the cordiality has been established; After hopes of a possible tomorrow to our once upon a time, has now a stronger chances of becoming a reality, even if that tomorrow may not be necessarily a happily ever after.

Something in me remained after receiving this text messages from her after she left:

--

Salamat ϋ it started with Robinson’s Place and it ended with Robinson’s Plce ϋ Thank u 4 d closure and d company ϋ God bles. ϋ

--

In closure, what remains is sadness.

Once Upon A Time, There Was A Tomorrow (Part Four)

The relationship was greeted with fanfare and excitement. After all, we were both "celebrities" since she has been one of the most popular girls in the major while I was the president of an entire batch. From day one, the first year and the third year students began to notice me more. She has this talent for making things big. And small things I did, would instantly become news worthy she was my best PR. Those who were weary of my relationship was mostly my circle of very trusted friends and my political party. Some of my tropa became upset when they heard the news since it means my time with them would become lesser the day we became us. It also means that I would be leaving two of my friends who were girlfriendless since birth.

Generally, my relationship with her was a stable one. We had a major fight though, but it wasn't a verbal one. We simply never talked the whole Christmas break. I also did some nasty things behind her back... and I think that was one of the reasons why my preference completely shifted from hetero to homo. Anyway, things were relatively peaceful and our relationship was generally okay. We both have our independence. But she wanted me to become more and more involved with her. She complained that I let her freely too much.

For three months after our silent war, things were normal. We were both busy with our academics, our own circles, our own political affiliation. What tipped off the balance was the realization and acceptance that I am beginning to have a preference shift.

And the entry of Roy into my life.

---

We dropped off Polly in front of his office. We, on the other hand began to have problems as to where we would look for other subjects. She plans of going to the riles, but I felt that it would be too risky for the both of us - especially her since she appeared rich and too dainty for a tour with the masses.

Instead, I suggested that we go on a road trip up North. There is this road connecting Roxas Boulevard and Port Area to Navotas, Malabon and the rest of the CAMANAVA area. That road is infamous for its shanty houses, dilapidated neighborhoods and it directly passes through Smokey Mountain and the new Manila open dump.

I told her that if she really wanted to see poverty and take pictures of it while in a safe distance, passing through that road would be a good idea. Then, if she's not content with what she sees, we could always turn right and look for a riles in Tondo or Caloocan area.

She agreed to my suggestion.

--

Since it was mid afternoon, the truck ban was lifted. We were sandwiched between massive mechanical beasts and untamed drivers as we drive through that road. Good thing it was traffic so instead of being scared with what passes beside us, we had a chance to talk about...

...our former selves again.

When I was preparing myself for this one-day activity, I promised that I won't bring up topics that would remind us of our past. After all, two years had already passed and even though things were already cool between us. I felt that it would be so improper if I bring up things that would make us feel awkward and uncomfortable.

But she started it when she began to mention about her dad (who was in the military actually) and the meeting he had with my dad (who used to work for the media bureaucracy). Of course, dad knew that my girlfriend's father is in the military and I guess, it was his key conversation during their meeting.

At that time, my ex-girlfriend was still furious to what I did so she did her best just to ensure that the meeting between our dads would never be concluded.

While she was revealing this to me, I was just simply smiling.

She also told me about the things that happened after we broke up - her depression bouts, the things she learned from me. The time she learned to stand up - Everything.

Since I was seated beside her, as she went on to tell me the behind-the-scenes story of her life, I began to feel awkward and uncomfortable.

You know what it feels like to be embarassed and guilty at the same time, while trying to pretend that its all over?

Thats what I felt as she began to mention things that actually belonged to our past.

---

I didn't really mean to break your heart. I know it was my fault. I was an asshole in our relationship and I don't even know if I can have excuses for all my mistakes and shortcomings. Maybe we were never really meant for each other. Maybe I wasn't prepared then to have you for a lifetime. But I was not that bad... I never told you painful words - we never really had a heated fight. All the time, there was only silence whenever things don't work between us. It was silence who killed us.

Weeks after graduation, I began to enjoy the company of my newfound friends. Roy just came into my life then and I had a great time hanging out with him. The album you gave me... was a bad omen. You said it was our common treasure and that it contains everything we have shared together. However it sent me some subneural signals about our impending doom. Have you noticed that things suddenly changed after I recieved it from you?

I can still remember. It was mid-April then. We were not talking for almost two weeks already. Half past midnight, I recieved a text message from you. It contained a single word Bye. You never said anything else and I understood it at one gulp. I knew then that its hopeless to continue a relationship that has no future. After all, those were the times I was drawing a new future - a homosexual future that will be the foundations of my life today.

After I sent you my confirmation, there was no reply. Even silence could not comprehend the rift and the disconnection between us. Weeks after, everyone who was aligned with you was now turning against me. Good thing, we have left college and I was spared from all the punishment they were prepared to give me.

But you know what,

You are the only girl who ever came... and I allowed to penetrate into my life.

---

Finally, we have crossed the bridge that separates Intramuros from Tondo. And what she saw suddenly made her grab the digital camera and begin to shoot pictures that she saw on the side of the road.

Rows and rows of tiny wooden houses, small children walking down the street while big trucks zoomed just meters away from them. Funerals that were conducted on the streets - there were old ones and young ones and you will see the difference with their caskets.

We were still talking about my dad and her dream about him. And since we were going nowhere, I suggested that we drive all the way to Navotas so we can both visit my dads tomb.

As we passed through rows and rows of apartments where thousands of families live. As the view of the Smokey Mountain (which has now turned green) appears in front of us, she began to tell me that her colleagues often teased her for being too fragile to join frequent exposures their NGO conducts in such places.

I think it was the first time she saw such place. We stopped at a nearby gas station, where the new Manila Dumpsite was just blocks away. As gasoline fills the tank of our vehicle, I opened the door and the putrid, acidic and nauseauting smell of garbage suddenly enveloped us. It was too atrocious that I panicked and immediately closed the door while she sprayed her perfume to kill the rotting scent.

Several meters away from us, there were a group of children playing. I told her, "tingnan mo yung mga bata. Imagine normal na sa pang-amoy nila yang bahong naamoy natin. Welcome to the real world ________. "

We continued driving until we reached the borders of Manila and Navotas. We continued our journey some more, until she saw again rows of houses where some family lives by a makeshift house dangling between two other houses made from aluminum sheets and worn-out plywood.

Then she saw something that immediately caught her attention again. She said it was a family who were having their lunch at the rooftop of one of the houses we just passed by. We decided there and then that we have gone too far and its better for us to go back. So when we reached the next intersection, we simply turned right and then made a U-turn on the first intersection again.

On our way back, we stopped at the place where we saw the family. As it turns out, they were not having a meal but instead, were playing a card game. We stopped several times for her to capture in her camera what poverty really is. After all, it was our objective in the first place - to see how extreme poverty do to children.

We passed by the garbage dump again, the industrial plants that lined that road of depression, the tiny homes and squatter colonies that lie in the street. We were seeing the full view of poverty right in front of our eyes.

Soon after we crossed the bridge again that separates Tondo from Intramuros, but now instead of seeing just the bridge, what we see is that it just not separate two districts, it separates the rich from the poor.

As the view of Intramuros, Manila Hotel and Luneta suddenly appears in front of us, I told my ex-girlfriend that whenever we pass that road, the view in front of us simply sugarcoats away the reality the road behind us offers.

Along Roxas Boulevard, she was surprised when we passed by the main headquarters of the Philippine National Red Cross. She even told me that she finds it ironic to see the organization that gives life and relief, just a bridge away from the poor and dying.

We planned to stop by Luneta to take pictures of ourselves this time, but since it is already getting late, and the difficulties of finding a parking space suddenly posed a problem to us, we just decided to continue driving

and conclude our one-day bonding at baywalk.

-tobecontinued-

Once Upon A Time, There Was A Tomorrow (Part Three)

“I started to notice that she feels something different for me. If you’re not manhid, you would definitely sense if someone gives you more attention and concern. That’s what had happened to us after several months of being very close. My mistake was, I never took it seriously, and at the same time I put more feeder into the fire. I showed her more concern and attention only as a friend. Yet she saw everything I did to her in a different light. People started asking if we’re a couple – which I denied. It was actually a showbiz moment. I imagine ourselves in a talkshow then the host would ask us if “ kami na daw ba?” Worried about the repercussions of everything, I would simply tell everyone that “hindi, friends lang kami…”

For a time it worked for the both of us. It was the most convenient way to do. But there are things that cannot go on forever. Probably, bowing down to pressures, to rumors, and to agitators, she began to ask me weirder questions. In fact, in one college activity that we both attended, she even asked me…

Ano daw ba kami?”

--

We arrived at Polly’s office.

While waiting for him to come out of the door, Ex-girlfriend hid behind one of the columns. Finally, Polly opened the door and started walking towards me. His first question was “ikaw lang mag-isa?” then ex-girlfriend finally came out of her hiding place and surprised Polly.

Polly was of course, very much star-studded when he saw us together. After all, he was one of the “talk-show” hosts before when we were in college. Besides, he knows my preference and seeing us together is something… well, news-worthy.

The whole time we were in Polly’s office I was silent. These are one of the times when I have to act more straight-acting in hopes that I could perfectly pass as one of the straight guys you know.

Since it was almost lunch break, we decided to go out and find some place to eat in the area. Before we left, Ex-girlfriend went to fix herself up in the bathroom then Polly introduced us to his colleagues. When we got outside the office, we planned to eat at Chowking. However, ex asked us if we could check her driver first before going to eat.

And that gave me a better idea.

Since our next stop was in Binondo, I suggested that it would be better if we proceeded there instead of having our lunch in Intramuros. That way, Polly can spend more time with us.

They both agreed so the three of us stepped inside the van.
A few minutes later, I was already directing the driver the way going to the place called Chinatown.

--

"It was around September. We were both holding leadership positions in AB. She was the transition leader of our Journ Society, while I held one of the top positions in my political party. One time, we had this seminar in Cavite where all officers were invited to attend.

We both signed up for that seminar.

When we arrived at the venue, I became so busy with my own political affairs that I forgot to notice her. It made her upset because I think she thought that such event would make our friendship – or whatever it is much stronger. During the second night, she asked me if we could sneak out of the main hall because she wanted to walk at the beach. Since I haven’t paid attention to her for a while, I sneaked out with her.

We were alone at the beach. She held my hands and leaned on my shoulders. She told me that she was quite upset with what I am showing to her – that she felt so outsider around my company – my political party. Our conversation was quite deep and intimate and I felt at that moment that she would confront me about us… about our status.

There and then, she asked me “kung ano daw ba kami.” That time, I really can’t tell. I have some slight feelings toward her but I know that it’s not enough to hold a relationship together. At the same time, I am afraid that wrong use of words may offend her.

That time, I simply want her in my life, I want her to own my heart… but I don’t want a relationship or commitment with her.

The beach was so cold and it started to drizzle. I asked her if we could return to the seminar since people might be looking for us. At first, she asked me if we could stay a little longer at the beach but I told her that she might get sick because of the cold weather.

We sneaked back inside the hall as quietly as we sneaked out."

--

It was very hot and humid when we arrived at Binondo. Our first goal was to find an ATM so that we could withdraw some money.

Since I am relatively familiar with the place, I showed ex-girlfriend the alley where a Chinese-style market could be found. She liked what she saw and she asked the two of us if we could check the place out.

At the alley, she started taking photos of fruits that were in stalls.

--

We emerged from the other side of the alley afterwards. Ex-girlfriend and I were planning to see more things and take more pictures but Polly insisted that we eat our lunch first. Unfortunately, no matter how familiar I am with the place, I am not familiar with the Chinese restaurants there. And since nobody among us is familiar with the place, we decided to go inside the first restaurant we could find.

At the corner of the street where we came from and Ongpin we found our restaurant.

If you’re familiar with Chinese restaurants, one thing you would notice is that most of the dishes in the menu are written in Chinese characters sometimes, the translations were even harder to comprehend since it was also translated by a Chinese. We took our seats and the waitress gave us the menu.

While ex-girlfriend and Polly reviewed the menu, I asked the restaurant manager if she could suggest something that we could eat since it was our first time to dine there. And so this manager went to the table where we were seated and advised us to order their most sought after dishes.

As they talk about the dishes we would order, I started looking around in hopes that I could find a dish that is familiar with me. Good thing I found one. It looks like a Pares and I think, it had the aroma of it. So I interrupted the manager and asked her if they serve Pares in their restaurant.

At this point, I really don’t know what I said afterwards. But I heard her saying yes. However she advised us not to order it but due to my insistence, in the end she had nothing to do... but write it down on the paper, which I would regret afterwards. If only I listened to her, and took her suggestions on what dishes we would order, we wouldn’t have discovered a new meaning to the word “Chinese Food.”

--

Our orders arrived several minutes later and what we saw loose our appetite.

It was placed in a pail-like aluminum container. The rice was covered in a think, stew-like sauce. The herbs and spices made the aroma quite nauseating. And the food presentation was completely appalling.

But it costs P62 pesos so we have to eat it even though it seems like our food looks like a kaning-baboy deluxe at first look..

After several spoonfuls of our order, I finally told them that our food sucks. I thought I was the only one who feels that way, but they also said that they just lost their appetites too after eating it.

So we decided to get our bills and whatever is left from our food would be taken home.

When we got out, we started laughing and talking about the food we ate and how atrocious the experience was. Ex-girlfriend even said that eating it was a sort of an “extra-challenge” for her.

As for me, I really felt dizzy afterwards and whenever they mentioned the word “food,” I controlled myself since at any moment I might throw up what I ate.

We went to San Lazaro Church and the two went inside to pray. I, on the other hand started looking for a cigarette vendor in hopes that a Philip Morris may wash away the food’s bad aftertaste from my mouth.

When they finished praying, we lit up some candles at the altar then we explored the whole stretch of Ongpin in hopes of finding more subjects to take photos of.

As the heat of the sun, humidity in the air and dust coming from vehicles that passed beside us took its toll, Polly finally announced that it was his extra challenge.

So when we reached the other side of Ongpin, Polly wanted to excuse himself from us since someone from his office texted and said that everyone was looking for him in the office.

We then found our final subject and it was a shoeshine man. For the last time yesterday, we asked the old man if we could take pictures of him while he does his job for our class project. The old man obliged so we had an easy time taking our last shot.

In the end, Polly decided that instead of going back alone, he agreed that we could drop him off in front of his office as we proceed towards our next stop…

--

"The months after the revelation at Cavite was a rollercoaster ride for us. Our political difference almost tore us apart. While she gave me concern and understanding, I gave her pain and apathy. The society elections was the last draw and after she and her party found out that nobody in the class voted for them, our relationship has turned from bad to worse.

We never talked after that elections… and up to now, I still can’t remember how we did started talking again. Soon, our friendship was restored back to normal and for a time, it became more intense. Occasionally, we would talk about ourselves and she would ask me about our status. But it ended just there. She knows after all that my stand about commitments was clear

One afternoon, I think she had a bad hair day that day for she never talked to me. Before I left for home, she told me to call her that night because she wanted us to talk.

That night, I called her. I cannot remember what we have talked about, but it was a very tensed moment. She was already drawing the line between us. She told me that she cannot move on, while I remained in her life. She asked me that she wanted to know what would my decision would be – and she made it very clearly – keep her as my girlfriend, or leave her never to communicate or talk on the phone again.

Before I made my decision, I asked her if I could call back after several minutes. I made an excuse that mom me to do something. But the truth is, I called my guy bestfriend in high school and asked him about my move. He knew my story and his answer was simple. For several years, I was ahead of him when it comes to the affairs of the heart. He saw me courting, flirting and making my moves, he saw me being rejected and dumped by girls I courted before.

He said everything he have learned in courting and relationships came from me – even though the relationship part was a theoretical one…my bestfriend told me that why not for a change, I finally apply what I’ve been teaching all the time. He told me that he believed that it is my time to settle down and have a girl in my life.

I called her immediately after I ended my conversation with my bestfriend. The girl and I talked about ourselves again; the possible complications after we announced to everyone that we’re officially a couple; My fears about the relationship since it is my first one and I don’t really know how to handle one.

She assured me of everything. In fact, we set our first month as a transition period for the both of us. Although I am not really sure whether I am ready for a commitment or not, I realized that having a relationship is better than to loose her completely because I was afraid to keep her for real.

I don’t want to repeat my failures with Ice Rose.

That night we became us.

But until now, I am still trying to remember whether I told her I love her, at the first night of our relationship."

--

-tobecontinued-

Once Upon A Time, There Was A Tomorrow (Part Two)

"We were juniors in College. It was the month of love and while she was still involved with her boyfriend during that time, my life revolved around my tropa – the PGC. During that day, her group had a sort of video shoot for one of our subjects. Evening came and she was supposed to be picked by her boyfriend since she was not feeling well then. When her boyfriend didn’t show up, our tropa-leader volunteered to accompany her going home. However, when he found out that she lives in Fairview, he asked me a favor if I could accompany her instead since I am relatively nearer to her place (I live in Manila) and she had a lot of heavy audio equipment to bring home.

Being the class president, I felt responsible for her so agreed to take my tropa-leader’s place. We were already friends during those days, but not as close as my friendship with IceRose.

And so, I accompanied her home. While on our way, we talked about a lot of things – things I don’t know about her and things she don’t know about me. When we arrived, her mom was extremely relieved to see her safe and secured, while she was very thankful for my assistance.

That night, I arrived home around midnight…

For me, I felt that I was doing a part of my duty as the class leader. But never did I think that it would be the beginning of something that would eventually lead into my first committed relationship with someone else."

--

We met at McDonalds at around 10:30 this morning.

She was all blooming and radiant when I saw her today after I last saw her during the funeral. I even teased her that it seems like she used too much pearl cream that her face turned all white.

But the truth is, she is more beautiful and sexy now, unlike when we were still a couple. And in her aura, I felt that she had become more mature and refined as the years passed by.

--

We boarded her van and she introduced me to her driver.

“Just like in the old days,” I thought. “She never gotten used to going around in a public transpo.”

Anyway, while inside her van, she showed me the themes for her photos. She told me that since I used to produce good subjects for our Photojournalism class during college, she asked me if I could suggest to her the subjects that she would use for the themes she had to do.

I told her that since she had already something in mind, we should better stick to her plan instead than to think of subjects that might be too difficult to shoot or too far-fetched for her themes.

So we went to her original plan. We proceeded to Intramuros to take pictures of Kalesa and their Kucheros..

--

"Weeks after I accompanied her home, things became more warm and cordial between us. I don’t know how it all started but I began to call her at night. We began to talk about shallow things at first… until we got to know each other better. The calls became more and more frequently and the hours of conversation became longer and longer. We never realized it but we were already becoming secret phone-pals. There were times we would both arrive late during our first subject the following morning and we would just look at each other and smile. For the rest of the second semester, that was our happy tripping. That summer, she broke up with her boyfriend and since I was already there, adjustments became much easier for her… after all, she was under my full cover.

It was also that summer when I first asked her to watch a movie. You see, during those days, I would innocently ask a close girl -friend to hang out with me. In my terms today, it would be considered a date - - but during those days, it was an innocent and friendly hang-out. We watched several movies… most of them I’ve already forgotten. Things were relatively routine and friendly and uncomplicated until one of us reached the threshold of friendship.

It was she who first showed signs of something deeper…"

--

At Intramuros, I asked her to pretend that we were both students and we would need to take photos for our “class project.” You see, it was our best excuse back in college when we needed to take pictures of subjects we needed. You wouldn’t believe that it’s more difficult to tell them that you’re a photography class student or journalism student than to simply tell them that you’re a student and you needed something for a project. And you know what, it never failed us.

The Kalesa drives warmly accepted our permission so we began to take pictures – she using her digicam, while I used the manual camera. From time to time, I watched her back… just like I always do to a person I am with. And the more I get involved with her that moment, the more it reminded me of our past.

After we have finished taking photos of the Kalesas and their Kutcheros, she asked me if we could visit Fort Santiago in hopes that we could find interesting subjects inside.

While we were paying for the ticket, I teased her by saying that we’re not in a field-trip as she laughed and slap my back with her hands. We went to the gunnery, the baluartes and dungeons just to see what the place has to offer. As she took her photos, I told her that the place looks much better during the afternoon.

Lately I’ve realized that I was implying that sunsets make the place more romantic…

Before we left Fort Santiago, we sat on a bench to tell her what happened to me and my dad. I told her what happened to our family and how our lives are still related since we both have the same broken background even back in college.

Our senti conversation was cut after a group of Korean kids, passed in front of us. Since my ex-girlfriend love kids, she started taking photos of them while they formed a line in front.

After taking photos of the Korean kids, we went to Manila Cathedral in hopes of finding more subjects for her themes. There again, we met a bunch of street kids who happily striked a pose for our cameras. Since this ex-girlfriend of mine has this soft spot for children. She asked me afterwards if we could find a store where we could buy food for them.

We bought a pack of bread which the kids shared for themselves. I told her that a former classmate of ours works near the place which further sparked her interests. While I rang our friend’s phone ex-girlfriend asked me if it’s okay if I don’t mention that she’s with me, so I said its fine. Our friend then answered the phone:

“Polly, I will be visiting you in your office. I’ll text you when I get there ok?”

Our friend said it’s alright for me to visit. Ex-girlfriend then went inside Manila Cathedral to offer some prayers as I waited for her outside the church.

Worried that things might get messed up when the two finally meets.

I sent Polly a following SMS message.

“Hindi niya alam ha.”

-tobecontinued-

Once Upon A Time, There Was A Tomorrow (Part One)

"This time, I think I am crossing the line. Who would have thought that ex-lovers could spend a beautiful day walking at a park. It was an awkward scene. My friend Andrea warned me of this scenario the last time we saw each other. What worries me is the repercussion and the future after this turning point in our lives."

- mms saved message.

---

I woke up late today and since I was already an hour late yesterday, I decided not to report fearing that my boss would find out that I am beginning to have problems with tardiness at work.

So instead, I logged on to the account using my computer at home. I was hoping that such move would make up for the absence today. However, I was worried that what I might be doing will only make things worse. I logged out immediately before the boss finds out what I was planning to do.

Suddenly the thought of applying a passport became a tempting distraction. I was bored, restless and daydreams suggest that leaving the country to visit other places abroad might be a good idea. The procedure however, is a different matter. Being a nincompoop that I am, I texted several people who I think, knew how to get a passport.

One of the people who received my text message was my ex-girlfriend.

---

She was the first, and the last lady who came into my life. Our relationship was relatively long but I was still immature and irresponsible when we became a couple. Maybe one day, I could tell our story in full. Suffice to say, it was not a good one. Ours was sad and full of failures.

And it was me who's at fault when she finally called quits one summer midnight.

It took two years before I was forgiven. During my last birthday, she sent a message on Friendster telling me that she had finally realized the closure between us.

When dad passed away, she showed up at the funeral. It was a bittersweet event because of all the relationships I had, ours was the only one official. She was accepted, not only by my mom but my dad as well. Though nobody saw us together when we were still a couple, everyone at home saw her as part of the family.

And it was only at the funeral two years after we broke up, that my mom and my sister finally met her in person.

---

She responded immediately after I sent her my inquiry.

Lately, our relationship has become more cordial after a series of YM conversations thawed the ice that sets us apart.

She gave the number of the Department of Foreign Affairs and even suggested to inquire at travel agencies on how to get a passport. Her assistance was a relief. What caught my attention however was her mention that she will be doing a photo-shoot for their magazine today.

Reading between the lines of her text message, I knew there was something more to what she said.

So I asked her whether she's alone or she has company. Ex-girlfriend answered that ever since she started working, she had grown used to do things on her own.

There and then I immediately knew what I should do... as her friend.

As her former...

---

I asked her if she needed company. After all, I'm absent at work and I won't be doing anything the whole day.

In fact, I would be very happy to volunteer to be her companion.

It took her some time to reply to my question. Waiting left a surge of uneasiness that flooded my being. Maybe meeting her was a wrong idea. Perhaps she wasn't prepared to hang out with me after we broke up. In my heart, a sudden sense of awkwardness stopped me from asking her answer. After all, it is unusual for an ex-lover to spend an entire day helping an ex-girlfriend do her job.

Hang-ups might emerge in the course of being with her the whole day.

It took several more minutes for her to answer, she replied by telling me that it's okay to join her. It turned out that she was looking for a helper and my assistance was very much appreciated.

Besids, we used to do those activities together...

Before...

When things were less complicated and we were just friends.

---

-tobecontinued-

Manna From Heaven (Last Part)

The party was getting started.

Unlike last year, this year's theme was far more interesting than the one before. Although, the Midsummer Nights Dream was far more poetic, this time, Heaven was more crowd friendly, if not short on budget.

The main stage was extended towards the end of Gay Malate and nearer to the residential areas that used to be the exclusive areas of the place. The extending stage, which I would call the runway was more conducive to dancing and fishing. In fact, I almost got my own adventure while exploring that elevated portion of the party area.

---

I've seen many familiar people in the course of the whole night.

There was Suki, the first guy who organized a grand eyeball for the LBGT community in PEx three years ago. It was my debut party, from there I got my first kiss from the first bi-guy I fell in lust with.

The whole ICON staff was also there, which to my surprise, used to be the SNAGG group back in PEx. Ang bilis nga naman ng panahon. They used to be the frontrunners of straight-natured gay empowerment back then, now they are what represents the fab-side of queerdom.

---

Nung simula ng party, nagbibiro pa ako na hindi malayong makakita ako ng dating ka SEB na naligaw doon.

At nagdilang demonyo nga ako. Habang sumusuba ng yosi, biglang dumaan si A sa harap ko. Tanda ko pa noon, kala ko tigasin siya, dinala niya ako sa bar niya at dun may nangyari sa amin.

In fairness naman, kahit medyo pilit kong ineerase sa sarili ko ang nangyari samen, siya lang ang kaisa-isang bading na nakapagpaungol sakin ng malakas. Wala na. At shempre di ko na ulit naranasan yung pinagagawa niya sa murang katawan ko.

Nakita ko siya nung White Party, as usual naka-drag suit.

Kapag kinukwento ko sa mga kaibigan ko ang nakaraan ko sa kanya, basang basa ko sa mukha nila na para bang anlaking pagkakamali ang ginawa ko, o kung hindi man, parang sobrang out of bounds ang nangyari sa akin at bakit napili kong makipag-jug sa kanya.

Sabagay, madalas walang borders ang libog.

---

So lumayo si Arnie at ako naman ay nag-ikot malapit sa stage. Lahat ata ng klase ng bading eh nakita ko na. At shempre nagtama na naman ang mata namin ni Ex.

This time, tinupad ko ang pangako kong katapusan naming dalawa. Binati ko lang siya na as if we're just acquiantance and nothing more. Siya naman, palibhasa pre-occupied rin ng mga sights kaya hindi na masyado nakipagpansinan sakin.

Lumalim ang gabi at nagsisipaghanapan na ng partner ang mga tao. Kahit ako rin ay humiwalay na sa mga tropa ko upang mag-explore ng sarili ko.

Dahil na rin sa mood kong sumayaw, umabot ako sa taas ng platform. Kahit tagaktak ang pawis, pinilit kong humataw at gumiling kasama ng mga nakahubad na lalaki. Masyadong sexy ang sights kaya naman di ko rin naiwasan di tablan. May pilit sakin makipagsayaw na early 30s na stocky guy. Actually turn on naman siya dahil medyo maangas rin, pero matindi lang talaga ang control ko kaya bandang huli nagsawa rin siya kakalandi sa akin.

Sumunod naman eh may barako rin na tumapat sakin. Heto medyo agressive, mukhang kasing aggressive ng balbas na sadyang pinalago niya. Nung una medyo super close na kami magsayaw dahil sobrang jampacked rin yung stage. Pero bandang huli, hinawakan na niya ako sa bewang at pilit dinidikit ang katawan ko sa kanya.

Nung una keri lang, pero matigas ang reminder ni Phanks sa utak ko. Eventually umatras rin ako ng hindi ko na makayanan ang intensity ng sayawan namin.

---

Marami pa ang nangyari noong gabing yun.

I've met a former classmate, a former co-trainee, and an officemate. Kung dati super kabog ako kapag may kakilala akong nandun sa ganung event, ngayon ako pa ang humihirit ng "Happy Pride Pareh!" Never did I experience this much pride about my preference, kahit na maraming panahon, tinatanong ko pa rin sa sarili ko kung ano ang kakauwian ko sa pagiging ganito.

It was a bonding night for me, the others and fellow bloggers. At least, I got to experience hanging around with my past, my present and probably my future. Dati rati kasi, paniwala ko lang, iikot lang ang mundo ko sa ODDERs, pero ngayon, tanggap ko na that there is a big world out there.

And eventually, that world will be part of my own.

---

Umuwi akong super haggard at sobrang amazed. Never thought I would enjoy this party, kahit na wala naman talaga akong ginawa kundi makipagshoshalan at makipagchikahan sa lahat ng juding na kakilala ko.

Tanda ko tuloy, the last time I had this kind of enjoyment was during a Black Party several weeks before I met Yul. Noon naman, sex lang ang target ko. And I did find a date afterwards. Naunahan lang siya dahil super bagal niyang pumorma.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, humiga lang ako sandali sa sofa, took off my fitted polo shirt and changed into a sando. Yes, pumasok akong naka-pants ang naka-sando sa work, which is keri lang naman sa office.

Pagdating ng tanghali dumating yung officemate ko na nakita ko sa Malate the night before. Alam kong out na ako kaya ako na rin ang nagsabi dun sa mga friends niya na nagkita kami.

Umuwi akong pagod sa bahay kaya idlip kaagad ang drama ko. Pagdating ng 6 pm, dumating si Phanks para mag research sa amin gamit ang PC ko.

Shempre, hindi lang research sa PC ang ginawa namin...

---

Dalawang araw matapos ang party, di pa rin ako nakakabawi ng tulog.

Pasensya na kung nagdeclare ako ng boycott na babawiin ko rin lang ilang oras bago magstart ang party.

I simply can't resist the call of Malate.

White Party is an event too good to be missed.

Mid-June Malate Eksena Blues

Friday ng gabi, plano kong umatak ng Malate.

Matapos ihatid si Phanks sa Monumento, sinubukan kong magtext ng mga taong maari kong makasama sa night out. Since walang naka-sked na contingent ngayon, expected ko nang kalat-kalat ang lakad ng mga odders.

Wish ko sana isama si Joy, ang gerlash na nakilala ko sa loob ng BED. Pero ang hirit ng babae, lasheng na daw siya at gusto niya ng totoong lalaki for a change.

So kabog ako dun. Di na ako nagtextback sa kanya pagkatapos.

---

Habang binabaybay ng FX ang kahabaan ng Rizal Avenue, biglang may dumating na business card sa akin. Yun ang number ni McVie na nahingi ko kay XP noong hapon pa lang.

So text kaagad ako kay Marce. Reply siya after a few minutes, sabi niya nasa work pa daw siya at may tinatapos na trabaho. So sa isip ko, mukhang solo talaga ako...

Gudlak na lang sa akin.

---

Dumating ako ng Pedro Gil ng maga-alas onse. First stop ko ay yung PNB sa tabi ng PGH para magwithdraw ng perang pang-gimik. Tapos nun, tumuloy ako sa favorite naming internet cafe ni Phanks para isulat yung dalawang entry ko sa baba.

Hatinggabi, nag decide akong mag-log out.

Habang palakad papuntang Orosa, ramdam na ramdam ko yung lungkot ng gumigimik mag isa. Di na nga ako katulad ng dati na ok lang sa akin rumampage mag-isa. Advantage pa nga sa akin yun sa Mint eh. At wag ka masayang masaya noon kapag nagsosolo ako.

Kagabi, habang naglalakad sa Pedro Gil, bumabagabak sa isip ko ang maraming bagay; ang worry na baka magkamali na ako nung gabing yun; ang pagde-delete ng blog ni James at ang pakiramdam ko ng pangungulila; ang pagkamiss sa dati-rati naming contingents; ang usapan namin ni Omeng na laging nauuwi sa famous line niyang "everything changes."

Wala lang, habang naglalakad ako, parang sinasampal-sampal ako pabaliktad nung "everything changes" na yun.

Naglalakad ako sa isang kantong hindi nagbabago ng pangalan, pero lahat ng nasa paligid ko ay patuloy na nagbabago.

---

Nakarating rin ako ng Orosa bandang huli. Rampage kaagad ako sa BED kahit alam kong konti pa lang ang tao dun.

Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang, unang tumambad sakin yung isang type kong lalaki noon pa na sobrang galing talaga sumayaw. Actually, nung una isang dahilan kung bakit turned on ako sa kanya eh dahil mukha siyang tigasin. Pero kagabi nung narinig ko yung boses niya, lumitaw ang buong katotohanan na tukling pala siya.

Pero sa galing talaga niya gumiling saka mag project ng katawan eh hindi ako na turn off kahit ganun pa siya.

Umakyat ako sa taas para i-check kung dugyutin ba ako o keri lang. Sa may hallway, meron akong nakitang super angas na guy na may hikaw sa kanyang brow. Siguro mga mid to late 20s na siya at mag-isang umiinom ng beer doo malapit sa exit door. Di naman siya kagwapuhan kung tutuusin, pero super turn on talaga sa kanya yung pagiging maangas niya.

Kaya naman kapag tumitig ako eh parang tutunawin ko siya ng mga mata ko.

Ilang beses rin akong nagpadaan daan sa harap niya para tingnan mabuti yung mukha niya... at god! sa bawat pagdaan ko, lalong lumalakas yung appeal niya.

---

Umexit muna ako ng BED since wala pa namang nangyayaring aksyon dun. Bet kong pumunta sa Cognac para bumili ng 20 pesos na San Mig Light. Pagdating ko dun, nagulat ako dahil sarado siya. Siguro nalugi na yung tindahan o kung hindi man, baka naguunder renovation. Sinubukan ko rin sa Ministop kung mura ang San Mig Light, pero sa kamalas-malasan, mataas pa rin ng 8 pesos ang presyo ng beer nila.

So nauwi na lang ako sa may Squidball-an dun sa may kanto ng Nakpil at Orosa.

Feel na rin kasi ng sikmura ko mag strike at dahil may ulcer ako, kelangan kong sumang-ayon sa CBA ng tiyan ko kundi baka mauwi pa ako sa ER ng PGH.

---

Matapos kumain ng squidballs, balik ako ng BED. Noong binuksan ko yung phone ko. Nagulat ako dahil may isang message.

Isip ko naman, baka si Phanks lang at nagsesenti na naman sa akin, o kaya naman nanay ko at hinanap na ako kung nasaang lupalop na naman ako nagsuot.

Pero yun pala, nagtext si McVie. Bet daw niya mag-unwind kaya aatak rin siya sa Malate.

Nang dahil dun, bigla akong umakyat dun sa elevated platform katapat ng ledge. Medyo sinipag akong humataw nang nalaman kong may friend akong makakarating.

---

Nagkataon naman na halos isang tao lang ang pagitan namin ni super crush kong bading na nakaka-turn on sumayaw. Tawagin na lang nating si gaydancer since most likely eh ma-eencounter ko ulit siya sa mga susunod na buwan. As in, super grabe talaga kasi dalang-dala ng maliit at may kapayatan niyang katawan yung beat ng music. Makikita mo pa sa expressions ng mukha niya na talagang ninanamnam niya yung mga bawat galaw ng katawan niya.

After 45 minutes, surprise! surprise! nakita kong nandun na rin si Mcvie malapit sa lugar ko.

So yun, tsikahan a little, then kuha siya ng beer. Ako naman, lalong lumapit kay Gay Dancer para mapagmasdan siyang sumayaw.

Actually, di rin naman talaga malakas ang appeal ni gaydancer lalo na kung itatapat mo dun sa guy na nakita ko sa taas. Siguro, sobrang turn on lang ako dito sa kanya kasi nga, sa bawat giling ng katawan niya, feeling ko, ang sarap sarap siguro niya dikitan at I-dirty dance.

Naalala ko kasi sa kanya kung paano ako magsayaw at makipagsayaw sa Mint at Mister Piggys noon.

---

Eventually, medyo nakakita ng mga friendly friends tong si McVie kaya medyo nagkahiwalay kami ng lugar for the meantime.

Habang ako naman eh lalong palapit ng palapit sa lugar kung saan sumasayaw si gaydancer nang biglang..

Bingo! nagkatapat kami ng lugar ni gaydancer dahil may tinapatang iba yung nagsasayaw sa tapat niya before sa akin. Nasa harap siya habang napwesto ako sa likod niya.

At timing na timing rin dahil pabilis na ng pabilis ang beat ng music sa BED nung mga time na yun kaya hayun...

Namalayan ko lang na nagkakadikit na ang mga katawan namin hanggang sa hinawakan niya yung mga binti ko at hinawakan ko yung bewang niya.

At naging isa ang ritmo ng sayaw naming dalawa.

---

Nung time na yun, naglalaro sa isip ko kung tama ba yung ginagawa ko. Tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung may control pa ba ako sa nangyayari, Pero quever na lang kung ano ang sabihin nila. Matagal ko nang iniintay ang mga sandaling yun kaya game na game naman ako habang ginagawa namin yun.

For the first time, tinanggal ko lahat ng inhibitions sa sarili ko.

Hinawakan niya yung kamay ko, habang ako naman eh lalong bumababa ang giling. Naamoy ko yung balikat niya...

Ay.... amoy pawis... parang di ko ata feel yun.

Kaya napaatras ako ng kaunti. Tumingin siya sakin habang sinusundan ng ulo niya yung beat ng kanta.

Ako naman, nagpaka-chinito eyes habang ginagaya siya para naman lalo akong magmukhang maangas kahit konti.

Makaraan ang ilan pang minuto, bumaba na si gaydancer. Siguro nag-CR or something, pero ako solb na solb na sa nangyari sa amin.

---

Di na siya bumalik dun sa lugar ko. Yung mga kasama niyang mga baklita eh sumunod na rin sa kanya. Pero bago sila nawalang lahat. Nakausap ko yung isa sa mga kasama niya. Pinsan pala niya yun.

Sabi ko sa pinsan niya, "tell your cousin that he's a great dancer." At ngumiti naman yung pinsan niya.

Nung gabing yun, medyo humataw ako sa platform kasama si Mcvie.

Ilang beses rin ako lantarang nangisda ng lalaki na conciously gusto kong isayaw kagabi.

At Ilang beses rin ako pilit iniisda kagabi, salamat na lang at di ko type ang kagandahan nila.

Mga bandang alas kwarto, nagstrike na naman ang sikmura ko. Hindi na rin ako makagiling at masakit na rin ang paa ko kaya sumandal na lang ako dun sa may tabi ng DJs booth. Sa tabi ko, nagkukumpulan yung mga barakong bading na sa sobrang tatangkad at laki ng katawan, sa tangkad kong 5"9 eh lumilitaw na bansot pa rin ako.

Sa tapat ko naman eh nagconverge yung grupo na mukhang tuwing nandun sila eh parang naka-ecstasy, handun sila, nagwawala lalo na yung gerlash na maliit na laging nakabuntot sa kanila. Yung mga tao namang nakapalibot sa kanila eh nagspre-spread out na, sandali na lang kasi at baka magpapadyak na itong si babae...

Kaya tumalikod na lang ako at pinagmasdan si Toy Armada habang nagspi-spin sa DJs Booth. Kagabi, naka-white tank top lang siya na may nakasulat na BED sa harap. In fairness kay ateh Bernz, talaga namang pumuputok ang pandesal sa chest nitong si Toy, habang nakikisakay siya sa beat ng music na pinapatugtog niya.

For a moment, narealize ko na mismong ang DJ ng BED ay nagrerepresent sa mga crowd na nakikiparty sa kanila.

No wonder, dumaan na ang dalawang taon and still, BED remains stronger than ever.

---

Mga bandang alas 4:30, lumabas na ako ng nasabing club. Masaket na talaga ang sikmura ko.

Habang naglalakad malapit sa Komiks, meron akong nakitang grupo ng mga bading na nagtsitsikahan.

Sa narinig kong tsika nung isa, meron daw nangyaring eksena sa NYC nung gabi ring yun. Sabi niya, meron daw dalawang bading, mukha daw magsyota na gumawa ng eskandalo dahil ata nagseselos yung lalaki dun sa ex nung bakla.

Hayun daw, lumipad ata ang mga bote at nagkahampasan pa ng lamesa. Grabe daw mag-away ang mga bakla, para daw lalaking lalaki talaga.

Ako naman, napangiti na lang. Wish ko lang, hindi ko sila kakilala.

Pero sabagay, for a time eh gumawa rin ako ng eskandalo sa Orosa dahil kay Yul.

Kung medyo naging mas matindi yung mga nangyari noon mga panahong yun, mahe-headline siguro sa malate na may isang bading na nakipagrambulan sa mga gym-buff na mga bakla dahil sa kanyang... syotang bading.

What a news!

---

Pasakay na ako ng taxi nang biglang may sumitsit sa akin...

Ang potah, si Yul pala ang sumisitsit na yun. Lasing at sumusuray-suray na lumapit sa akin.

Unang hirit niya, bakit daw di ko sinagot yung message niya sakin sa friendster samantalang tapos na naman ang namamagitan sa aming dalawa.

Gusto ko sana sabihin sa kanya na dedma lang ako dun sa message na pinadala niya. Di ko lang siya feel pansinin.

In the first place, nagkaroon na naman kami ng closure eh. Ano pang sense, o business ko na i-continue ko ang contact ko sa kanya kung sa totoo lang eh hindi naman talaga kami naging tropa?

Naging boyfriend ko lang siya.

---

Anyway, ang friendster issue na yun eh nauwi pa sa mas malalaking isyu. Kesyo daw, bakit nakita niya yung ex niya na tropa ko tapos dinedma lang siya. Bakit daw lahat ng lumabas sa bibig ko tungkol sa kanya eh puro hindi maganda kapag kinukwento ko sa mga tropa ko na naging lover niya.

Sa sobrang daming emotional baggage na binuhos niya sakin, nasabi ko na lang sa kanya na: "Akala ko ba may closure na tayo???"

Yun lang.

Bigla bigla, umiyak si bakla. Sabi niya, tao lang daw siya para hindi masaktan at dadalhin daw niya lahat ng sinabi kong di maganda sa kanya hanggang sa tumanda siya. Hirit pa niya, siya daw eh wala ni isang masama na sinabi sa akin.

Sabagay, between me and him, taena, wala siyang mahihirit na naging pagkukulang ko.

At grabe ha, nagpapaguilty effect pa.

Actually hindi ko alam talaga kung saan napunta yung usapan namin. Umabot talaga ako sa point na gusto ko nang mag-walk out dahil masakit na ang tiyan ko, inaantok na ako, at heto ang ex ko na biglang kung ano anong drama ang tinatalak sakin.

In the end, kami naman ang gumagawa ng eksena sa Orosa. At ang mga bading na galing ng BED, mega watch sa drama namin.

Grabe! Buti na lang ang nandun yung mga tropa ni Yul at least, medyo napipilitan pa akong magcompose ng sarili ko. Isa pa, nung mga oras rin kasing yun eh pinapauna na niya yung mga kasama niya. Medyo concerned ako sa ginagawa niyang yun, iba ang naglalaro sa utak ko.

Kapapanood ko lang kasi nung isang episode ng Sex In The City noong isang linggo. Dun sa episode na yun, nagkaroon lang ng totoong closure si Carrie Bradshaw kay Aidan nung nagsex sila.

Hindi kaya yun rin yung ipinapahiwatig ni Yul nung mga time na yun... Sex with ex??? freaky ha.

---

Mga past 6, lumabas na rin si McVie at naabutan pa kaming nag-uusap doon sa Orosa. Wish ko sanang sumabay na sa kanya pero ayaw talaga akong paalisin ni ex dun sa kinatatayuan namin.

Sa huli, sumabay na lang ako sa mga tropa niya para mapilitan siyang sumama sa amin. Deadma forever ako habang naglalakad kami, at pinipilit niya akong makipagusap sa kanya.

Eventually, may dumaang taxi sa tapat ko. Pinara ko na ito kaagad habang may kausap pa ni ex na kaibigan niya. Nung una, hinigit pa niya yung strap ng bag ko pero pinigilan na rin siya nung mga tropa niya.

Nakaalis ako ng Malate sa wakas. Kinuwento ko kay McVie ang nangyari.

In fairness naman kay Yul, sweet siya kung sa sweet. nagenjoy pati akong maging bot dahil sa kanya at higit sa lahat may naging mga biases rin naman ako. Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko, na-close ko na sa sarili ko ang tungkol sa amin.

Wala na ang multo niya.

At tama ang sinabi ko kaninang gigising siyang nakalimutan lahat ng eksena namin kanina.

---

Mga Quarter before 7, natutulog na ako sa bahay.