I never thought it would really hit me.
Thirty minutes ago, I searched for someone in Friendster. That someone, had a big impact on my life - for almost a decade, I hid our past - whatever you want to call it inside me. He's one of the reasons, why I decided to be like this, why I brave the odds and came out of the dark, and why all this time I still look back at a time when one afternoon, after dismissal, after playing Sega on our favorite arcade rentals
He suddenly ask me if I want to go with him to his place... Taglibog daw siya at gusto niyang magpasalsal.
I have to admit, I was still "young" back then. I've just discovered the joys of masturbation when here he comes attempting to poison me and take advantage of my confusion during those early times.
You see, I was more effeminate before. First year high school and not circumcised yet has an extreme drawback. I was half boy, half teenager. My voice is rather for girls and since boys don't want to associate with me, I was left in the company of girls. Being a loner, he wanted to befriend me, and yes, somehow take advantage of my newfound discoveries.
I said "putanginamo" as my response.
Yet, it started to crawl within. Secretly, I was jacking off with him in my imagination. Yes, he's a very goodlooking guy, and his sexual exploits with parloristas caught my curiosity. He's extremely pervert during those times and ironically, there were countless instances that we've been partners in group projects.
One year after - second year, I was planning to seriously befriend him... and yes, hopefully take that mightly leap of experimentation he previously offered. But alas, he never made it. He was kicked out of our high school.
Years passed, and new friends came along. I completely forgotten about how close I was to jumping to the other side, yet his vague memory remained with me. As long as I fought for my true orientation before, he was part of it... He remained one of my resentments I've had with this sexual preference.
For months, I searched for friendster, hopefully to check him out. Secretly I was prowling at Malate, investigating... hoping he would have turned the same. After all, I am his creation. But I was wrong... very wrong.
I found his profile this morning. His features remained the same, only extremely manly this time. At the age of 22. He looked so whammy and muscular. I found some interesting tidbits about him... and he now works for the US Navy.
Tangina, he became straight... confident with the way I see his pictures, no sign of whatever bentness he might have become. I can't hide it but somehow, I am envy of what he had become. At 22, he's far more successful than me. On the road we both crossed, he fell. Yeah and look at him now.
I don't want to feel this way, yet everytime I see his pic, there's something inside me shouting... "yeah you feel extremely depressed, you can't hide it. You're just human not to show your true emotions."
And that voice is right. No matter how I try to understand myself, no matter how I try to remain confident even if I'm not unsure whether to be or sulk on my failures, no matter how I try to feel secured with whatever I wanted to do in my future,
the truth is.
I feel that I'm lagging behind. I feel like I still don't know myself and whatever confidence or strength of character I am showing everyone is just a mask.
I am still insecure, and the bitter part of it is that it shows... I allow it to be exposed.
Maybe, after I resign from my freelance writing work, I should
seriously consider where I really wanted to go. I used to believe that one can find a goldmine in this country... but no,
the mentality that success can be achieve abroad is suddenly creeping into my mind.
I am 22, and I feel that I haven't achieved anything.
Thirty minutes ago, I searched for someone in Friendster. That someone, had a big impact on my life - for almost a decade, I hid our past - whatever you want to call it inside me. He's one of the reasons, why I decided to be like this, why I brave the odds and came out of the dark, and why all this time I still look back at a time when one afternoon, after dismissal, after playing Sega on our favorite arcade rentals
He suddenly ask me if I want to go with him to his place... Taglibog daw siya at gusto niyang magpasalsal.
I have to admit, I was still "young" back then. I've just discovered the joys of masturbation when here he comes attempting to poison me and take advantage of my confusion during those early times.
You see, I was more effeminate before. First year high school and not circumcised yet has an extreme drawback. I was half boy, half teenager. My voice is rather for girls and since boys don't want to associate with me, I was left in the company of girls. Being a loner, he wanted to befriend me, and yes, somehow take advantage of my newfound discoveries.
I said "putanginamo" as my response.
Yet, it started to crawl within. Secretly, I was jacking off with him in my imagination. Yes, he's a very goodlooking guy, and his sexual exploits with parloristas caught my curiosity. He's extremely pervert during those times and ironically, there were countless instances that we've been partners in group projects.
One year after - second year, I was planning to seriously befriend him... and yes, hopefully take that mightly leap of experimentation he previously offered. But alas, he never made it. He was kicked out of our high school.
Years passed, and new friends came along. I completely forgotten about how close I was to jumping to the other side, yet his vague memory remained with me. As long as I fought for my true orientation before, he was part of it... He remained one of my resentments I've had with this sexual preference.
For months, I searched for friendster, hopefully to check him out. Secretly I was prowling at Malate, investigating... hoping he would have turned the same. After all, I am his creation. But I was wrong... very wrong.
I found his profile this morning. His features remained the same, only extremely manly this time. At the age of 22. He looked so whammy and muscular. I found some interesting tidbits about him... and he now works for the US Navy.
Tangina, he became straight... confident with the way I see his pictures, no sign of whatever bentness he might have become. I can't hide it but somehow, I am envy of what he had become. At 22, he's far more successful than me. On the road we both crossed, he fell. Yeah and look at him now.
I don't want to feel this way, yet everytime I see his pic, there's something inside me shouting... "yeah you feel extremely depressed, you can't hide it. You're just human not to show your true emotions."
And that voice is right. No matter how I try to understand myself, no matter how I try to remain confident even if I'm not unsure whether to be or sulk on my failures, no matter how I try to feel secured with whatever I wanted to do in my future,
the truth is.
I feel that I'm lagging behind. I feel like I still don't know myself and whatever confidence or strength of character I am showing everyone is just a mask.
I am still insecure, and the bitter part of it is that it shows... I allow it to be exposed.
Maybe, after I resign from my freelance writing work, I should
seriously consider where I really wanted to go. I used to believe that one can find a goldmine in this country... but no,
the mentality that success can be achieve abroad is suddenly creeping into my mind.
I am 22, and I feel that I haven't achieved anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment