Forgive Me, I'm Just Human

5:00 am

Putangina di ko alam kung bakit ko nagawa yun.

Alam ko lang kakwentuhan ko lang siya ngayong umaga pero di ko inaasahan na aabot kami sa ganun.

Nakausap ko siya kaninang gabi sa IRC, medyo na-curious ako sa add niya kaya minack ko siya. Ang gaguhan ay nauwi sa seryosohan, at ang seryosohan ay nauwi sa hamunang makipagkitaan.

Hatinggabi, habang masama ang loob kay phanks, nagdecide akong makipagkita sa kanya sa may 7-11. Tutal malapit lang naman sila dito kaya sige, makipag-eyeball naman muna, gusto ko rin may kausap habang hindi ako pinapansin ng buddy ko.

Gusto kong bumawi sa mga EB na tinago niya sakin.

Pagkakita ko sa kanya, parang gumaan bigla ang loob ko. Matangkad siya, medyo tsinito at medium built ang katawan. Malakas ang dating niya at pareho pa kami ng kurso sa college kaya marami kaming napag-uusapan. Higit sa lahat isa siyang SMK, at kapareho ko, marami rin siyang trauma na inabot sa ganitong buhay.

Inanyayahan niya ako bumili ng ilang red horse sabay aya na makipagkwentuhan ako sa bahay nila. Ako naman si tanga, sumama sa kanya. Medyo aliw kasi siya makipagusap sa kanya eh. Nakatatlong red horse na ako nung nagopen up ako sa kanya ng sama ng loob sa bud ko - na feeling ko ginagamit na lang niya ako palagi, na hindi ko na alam kung appreciated niya ako.

At higit sa lahat, marami pala siyang tinatago sa likod ko.

Naiiyak, bigla niya akong niyakap ng mahigpit... sobrang higpit.

At ang yakap ay nauwi sa halikan at ang halikan ay nauwi sa pagtatanggalan ng damit. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganun ang pakiramdam ko sa kanya. Parang matagal na siyang bahagi ng buhay ko kahit kanina ko lang siya nakilala

ng biglang narealize ko habang nagroromansahan kami na may isang tao na pala akong nasasaktan.

Itinigil namin ang aming ginagawa. Umalis ako sa kanila kahit bitin ang aming pag-uulayaw.



Patawad pero nagkamali ako. Hindi ko inaasahan na ako rin pala ang kakain sa lahat ng ipinaglalaban at pinaninindigan ko. Ganun pala ang pakiramdam kapag nangaliwa ka - hindi lang siya ang dinaya mo kundi sarili mo rin. Hindi ko alam kung libog lang ba yun o nadala ako ng emosyon ko para sa kanya

Pero nasira ko na ang kredibilidad ko sa lahat. Wala na akong maaring ipagmalaki pa.

Sorry phanks, mahal na mahal kita at nagsisisi ako sa malaking pagkakamali kong ito, pero tao rin ako at nanghihina kapag iniwan mo sa ere na walang depensa. Patawad sa mga nagtiwala sakin... di ko inaasahan ang mga pangyayari.

Kala ko matatag at matibay ako, pero hindi rin pala. Madali rin akong matalo ng sarili kong demonyo... Siguro itatago ko muna to. Kakalimutan ko ang lahat ng bangungot na ito, maitama ko pa sana ang pagkakamali kong ito.






























































Chos!!!
Happy April Fools Day Everyone!

The Irony of Saying Goodbye

Is it so ironic to learn, after doubting your capacities for too long that you would be given more important tasks in the company you're working at the end?

They were asking me to work full time in the advertising agency as an executive assistant for its events department. It was a surprise, a great relief after hearing a week ago that they would choose between us who would survive and who would be booted out.

However, I have already made my decision. Despite the uncertainties and loss of leaving this company, I decided to push through in submitting my resignation letter. Enclosed in an emerald green folder, with an inscription of my boss' name and designation at the center of it, it shows how formal and sorrow my decision to leave is.

I asked a co-worker (who's contract will end today) to check my letter. Teary eyed, she told me that it would be a big lost if I leave this company, however, being an owner of a family business herself, she understands why I have to do this.

Tomorrow the news will reach every nook and corner of this office. And somehow, I feel how they would respond to my need to part ways. By friday, I may be called upon to explain myself and have their verdict. I just hope that this effort would leave a good impression of me in this field - to this company.

On the 7th, it would be my 6th month in this company and I enjoyed every day and moment I've been here ever since that day begun.

After Sex Glow

We spent an entire night on Henry and Elwyn's fuck nest. The place is better than our homebase and because of that, we played horsie horsie three times during our stay there.

As the story goes, he asked me yesterday afternoon if he could spend a night on my place. A jeepney strike is imminent today, and learning from his previous mistakes - it's impossible to get a ride from Valenzuela to Manila.

Actually, my place is ready and my mom even gave me permission to let him stay on my room, however knowing how discriminating and grouchy he could be especially when he's cranky, I decided to change my plans and have ourselves be confined in a place where we could enjoy one another in peace.

10 pm in Sta Cruz last night, I called mom telling her that I would be joining my officemates to talk about submitting my resignation letter on wednesday. She said ok.

The room where we stayed was nice, very cold and more of a hotel rather than a... however, it cost me a lot more than spending a night in our own love nest down south.

Despite his cranky and irritating mood whenever he gets disturbed thrice cut my patience, the whole moment was pure bliss.

I dreamed of a moment where we would find ourselves completely naked. Sleeping, arms wrapped around one another. His head close to my chest and his warm body leaning on to mine... I dreamt of a moment of singularity with him.

Once again, I got my wish last night.

End Game

On the 31st, I am planning to pass my resignation letter .

After six months of being partly employed in the advertising agency, I think, I would have to surrender my priviledges and distinction of being their freelance writer.

I was already planning to do this weeks ago - after I did my worse performance in that company so far. I know, my habits are terribly unacceptable. Who would employ someone who'd sleep for three hours in the office when everyone is busy. Yeah, I did it sooo many times. I was eagerly waiting for work till the slump came in... and then you'll find me in the table sleeping.

On my verbal contract, I have to go to the office every mondays, wednesdays and fridays. But in the past few months, I just go there when I wanted to. The routine of the office work had completely been broken. I was just waiting for the bomb to explode, and it will do so in several weeks time.

You see, the company hired some new employees - Advertising Executives (AEs), Copywriters etc. And they are formidable employees. When I compare my pathetic writing skills and terrible work habit with them, I would be booted out in an instant.

Magaling lang talaga ako makibagay at makisama sa mga tao kaya hindi ako nakakarinig basta basta ng reklamo.

A co-worker told me this afternoon that they had a meeting last friday. I was absent then so the heat was directed on me, and arrjae too, who was also absent that day. We're the primadonnas of the PR department - we just go to work when we wanted to.

My co-worker told me that they would be observing our performances, and will choose between one of us when the day comes (since they have a lot of other writers already). With what I've been doing (and the improvements he had done this past week), I know, I will be casted out when the judgement day comes.

Maybe I am doing this to save my ass from the humiliation... No I am doing this to save a friend from extinction.

You see, despite my extremely disappointing work habit, I've established myself as the reliable guy. I never failed them during deadlines, and when they asked me to come over, I make my presence felt despite the demands of my other jobs. Time and again, I am giving him a chance to fullfill his career. We've been talking about this from day one - that he has a lot of potentials if he would just focus on his work.

And I think he's doing it already... just a little push and there he goes into the limelight...

As for me, I am happy with what I have achieved so far. I never wanted a career growth on this - considering that an empire is waiting for me somewhere... and is in need of my full attention. They would surely be relieved if this news would reach them but for now, I'll just keep my silence.

Ending my services to Infinite Ideas is a very difficult and painful decision to do. It would rob me of my only source of security and stability, and at the same time, I would really miss all the beautiful and gorgeous people I've met there. I may have never recieved that kind of money I was expecting from the company, but the lessons on life and humility they taught me is invaluable.

To the person I've been looking up to when it comes to this job field. I hope my sacrifice would never end in vain. You have a bright career ahead of you, if you would just focus your energies on this. You have sacrificed enough just to be in this career so here I am, giving everything away for you.

May we achieve our dreams... and please, be a little more discreet when I'm gone.

pinapaganda niyo ako ni Sir Ted eh... :)

Para Sayo

Like what I've said... I know how you feel. Everytime I read your entries - trying to fight what you feel, everytime we talked about your dilemma, everytime I see you, this song always reminded me of the things that you are dealing right now.

Dedicate ko sayo to pare.

6 Cycle Mind
Paba

Habol ang tingin, matang nagkukunwaring malambing
Ayos na kay bango, pilit pagandahin para ako’y mapansin
Sabog na pag-iisip hindi alam ang gagawin
Anong dahilan at hindi ka mapasaakin

Saan pa, kelan ba
Ito lang ang alam kong gawin
Paano pa, ano ba
Wala na bang ibang paraan

Nais kong matikman ang yakap mong napakadiin
Ngiting kay saya, tinatangay ako ng hangin
Naging malapit sa taas sa panalangin na ika’y mapa-sakin
Wala na bang para sakin

Saan pa, kelan ba
Ito lang ang alam kong gawin
Paano pa, ano ba
Wala na bang ibang paraan
(Adlib)

Pipilitin, aaminin, hindi alam ang gagawin
Lalapitan, sasabihin, hindi alam ang gagawin
Hindi alam ang sasabihin, hindi alam ang gagawin
Hindi alam ang sasabihin, hindi alam ang gagawin

Saan pa, kelan ba
Ito lang ang alam kong gawin
Paano pa, ano ba
Wala na bang ibang paraan
Saan pa, kelan ba
Ito lang ang alam kong gawin
Paano pa, ano ba
Wala na bang ibang paraan

Point of No Return

The previous entry served its purpose.

People would be talking about it for days to come. It did create a lot of stir... and unfortunately, a lot too was offended by my harsh and brutal response about the incident.

And I really mean it. If this would be the last hope in ending a confusion that caught some of us, maybe it's all worth it. After all, I wrote that entry to at least, try to make some sense out of it.

Many times, I really tried to understand... and open my mind to such possiblities. After all, I've been there way way before, maybe this ideal thing really stuck on my mind and no matter how I try to accept these realities, something pushes me back.

Maybe I was trying to stick on to things... that we were. And sweeping changes such as this one really has a hard time getting through my belief system.

Tonight, papu gave me a very... subtle but clear advise. Let things be, and when everything falls into places, then that's the time to pick up whatever's left of this confusion.

Yeah... I understand. I am a bit extreme on this one, even somewhat manipulating things so that I could fully see its purpose. I became fully aware of that only tonight - that there are things beyond everyone's control.

But... since the dust is still scattered around us, maybe we could try at least, to give advice - or recommendation - even if it would be harsh and brutal to everyone. I wouldn't react like this if I don't see it's urgency - until we don't see a clear possiblility after all these confusion sets.

We could just hope and pray that whatever end we would achieve, it would still be within the parameters we usually cherish and hold on.

Some two years ago, the same thing happened between me and my katropas. It was the heat of the election and we as a faction sided with the group that wanted change. After hopelessness settled in, they decided to do the extreme - malign the candidates using black propaganda as their vehicle. Aware of its possible consequences, I acted on my own, sabotaging every attempt they do to destroy the present administration. For I believe that it was the right to thing to do. My closest among my barkada reluctantly supported my actions but at the height of the confrontation, they suddenly felt silent about the whole thing...

I stood my ground, and as a consequence, they did shunned me for a time. I embraced it wholeheartedly believing that it was the best and right thing to do.

After all the humiliation and isolation they did to me, we ended up victorious. The candidates we were supporting won a landslide elections and people had forgotten the things we did and at the very end, we controlled all the affairs that are going in and out of journsoc.

By now, I am aware that most people would oppose this extreme action. I understand that... This is, after all, a very huge gamble.

However, let me once and for all clear up that I was only reacting to the actions themselves, intended or not, spontaneous or even well planned. With all honesty, I only want to see a better end for all of this confusion some of us got ourselves into.

I know, I have offended people with this entry... I am very very sorry for reacting this way. I am only trying to help you out by explaining bluntly the things that are already happening between you.

I understand how difficult it is to be emotionally entangled with someone. I was once in your shoes too before... way way before and it hurted me a thousand times over because I never listened to their advice.

Sometimes the only cure for such emotional entangleness is to let the people involved see the truth, no matter how brutal, blunt, offending or ego busting it could be...

Allow me to explain that I do these things as a friend, a brother... a family member.

I don't really know how this things would come to pass. As advised by people around me, this is the end line where I could plead my advice. In the end, it would still be up to you to resolve this matter...

alone.

For now, the only thing I could do is listen
silently... distantly
waiting for whatever resolution this would take.

I just hope that this very difficult... and painful gamble would pay off, the way it was intended to be.

It's up to you guys. I just hope that you will both see the light, whatever it would be...



and mark my word... I will accept it gradually, no matter what it would be... After all, I'm you're big brother. My role here is to share light... even though I know that I might be for just a moment.







This is Tri[p]nautic, temporarily signing off...

The Pains of Being A Pulis Pangkalawakan

I can't understand how do people still get confused even though they have already built a strong and stable relationship that has spanned more than a year... and supposed to be growing -

- if not for our intervention some months before. Since I was the one who introduced him to the group, I find myself more guilty in leading them into fallout -

- For I used to believe then that with our help and support, they may forge their relationship even stronger... things that he don't understand about him would be given light through us, I was hoping we would lead them to harmony - but from the news I've recieved this evening from a friend broke all
we were trying to work for.

I guess their seal of commitment is already as good as being broken.

Yeah, I may never fully understand it but I think we're the ones who destroyed them...

---

I used to believe that our morals and ideals are better than some other groups we know... but from what I see today, no, we are just like everybody else. I used to be proud of how unique we are among everyone else but now, I can't really tell whether I could still call it home, or it's just some place I don't feel comfortable anymore - humans are indeed humans, but I never expected that we'll be the one who would eventually break whatever we used to believe in.

Oh well. This is just mere reverberation of the shock and disappointment I heard last night... It just kept on bouncing, reminding me straight on my face how vulnerable even the strongest of us can be.

I just want to voice out that I find the things that happened last friday in Temalats and beyond is totally unacceptable. - if you're pissed off whenever people rub it everytime on your face, well read this - intended or not, I strongly condemm the act itself, thanks to waps for reminding that out. Those things will really get you into trouble and I hope that we're not being misled by our hearts in doing such unforgivable mistake.

I just really hope not...
















I perfectly know how painful it is to be betrayed....




especially when you really don't know that the betrayal is happening already without you having any idea how things happen behind your back.



Yeah, it reminded me of how I was betrayed, while I still cling on to the belief that we're still one in our relationship... those things still traumatizes me even though the nightmare ended years ago.







That's why I try to heal myself
by clinging on and making my imperfect and sometimes unstable relationship...

close to being my ideal.


I don't wan't anyone to feel how
painful it is to be betrayed by a loved one.
That's why I hope and pray
that I would never fail for whatever beliefs and ideas I stand for.



Now.










Sad thing is...



I feel so alone with this stand

Addiction in Hyperspace

Starlog 3-0272004

It's been 48 hours since the crew of Tranquility was trapped in front of the PC screen. The enemy seemed to have found a weakspot to gradually destroy us. As of this moment, several of my staff, including the commander is hooked up in playing Master of Orion 3. This space-strategy game recreates a scenario where the player becomes the leader of a fledgling space empire. The ups and downs of being an emperor/president/warmaster or whatever makes this game infinitely challenging.

The crew had stopped almost all of their daily routine. After waking up from a brief sleep, they'll turn on the PC screen to restart the game which they started 6 hours before. If the games bores them, they would restart again until they are caught up in an endless cycle of restarting and playing.

Doctor Flock recommended to reboot the whole system so that this so called computer worm would be eliminated. However, the threat of mutiny speaks louder with every attempt.

The battle of life is still going on, and I fear that the central command, after loosing communications with the ship, might declare that we are already included in the casualties of war. With barely basic orders still functioning, I will try to whether this storm even if everyone would fall prey from this addiction.

Keeping you informed, have to play the game... this is Captain Johann Davidov, Earth Federation Battlecruiser Tranquility , temporarily signing off...

Disturbed

I was about to post some other entries today when this news flashed out on the screen minutes after I got home:

" Isang di pa nakikilalang lalaki ang tumalon sa riles habang may papadating na LRT. Naganap ang insidente kaninang alas-6 ng gabi sa Vito Cruz Station. Ang lalaki ay tinatayang 15 hanggang 20 anyos na gulang at magbyabyahe papuntang Monumento. Hanggang sa ngayon ay inaalam pa ang motibo ng kanyang pagpapakamatay."

While the report was being read by the newsreader, the camera was panning under the LRT train. The white shirt, which was worn by the guy is visible despite the darkness underneath the behemonth machine. I wonder, was his body mutilated beyond recognition? What's the purpose behind his suicide, was it because of failing grades (if he's a student), dumped by a prospect or he's so fucked up with the world that the only exit for him is an ungraceful death such as this.

And such news disturbs me... I know, life is shit most of the times... Sana napakinggan ko ang mga problema at sakit ng kalooban niya kahit di ko siya kilala. Sana nabigyan ako ng pagkakataon para iligtas siya at pigilan sa kanyang madugong binabalak. Nakakalungkot, kahit di ko siya kilala, nanghihinayang ako sa ginawa niya.

Wala lang. Somehow, I feel horrified. What if I know the guy?

Iisang Bangka

Depressed siya nung dumating dito sa bahay. Halatang medyo shocked pa siya sa nangyari kanina at malalaman mo talaga na hindi niya alam kung paano itatago ang sama ng loob na nararamdaman niya.

Bitbit sa bangketa, pinakinggan ko kung ano na naman ang nangyari sa kanila ngayong gabi. Sabi niya, hindi siya pinansin nung kaninang nag-iinuman sila. Pakiramdam niya, parang wala siya sa paligid kahit na magkatabi lang sila.

So okey, at least malinaw na sakin kung ano ang picture ng storya... tanda ko pa, nung huli silang nagkita eh ganun din ang nangyari sa kanilang dalawa - yun nga lang, siya ang nandedma at yung dinedma niya ang nagtataka.

Depressed, pilit niyang pinagtatagni ang mga bagay upang makabuo ng konklusyon sa nangyari sa kanilang dalawa. Noong una'y nakikita niyang solusyon sa problema nilang dalawa eh ang pag-iwas niya sa lahat. Tingin niya'y mas makakabuti yun kesa harapin ang problema ng may pag-aalinlangan na baka di siya pakinggan ng taong kanyang pinuproblema.

Sa gitna ng unos, ramdam ko ang pagiging hopeless niya sa sitwasyon. Kung hindi sa aking pagprapranka eh marahil hindi namin pareho nakita ang daan.

Alam ko, mahirap ang kumain ng pride, mahirap ang mabastos at madedma ng taong may malaking puwang sa puso... natin. Ngunit tayo'y tao lamang, ang mga pinagsamahan na matagal ay hindi basta basta nasisira - lalo na kung hindi naman malalim ang naging pagsugat dito. Hindi mo basta isusuko ang taong iniyakan mo, ang takbuhan mo kapag ikaw ay natatakot at nangangamba, ang taong unang hinahanap mo kapag ika'y nangungulila at nag-iisa. Tao lamang tayo na naghahanap, nakakaramdam, ang nabibiktima ng maling pagpaparamdam, at ang dumepensa kapag tayo'y nasasaktan o nasusugatan.

Iba iba man ang ating paraan ng pagkukubli, ngunit bali-baliktarin man natin ang mundo, nandun ang kulang kapag nawala ang taong pumupuno sa atin.

Heto ang masarap sa pagmamasid sa buhay - masarap ang maging tao... masarap makita ang mga nagbabato-batuhang nilalang na pinapakita ang kanilang sangkatauhan. Mahirap ang umintindi, ngunit isang talento ang makaintindi at makita ng mga bagay bagay na hindi mo basta makikita ng hindi gumagabay ang puso...

Natapos ang gabi na may ngiti at gaan ng loob sa kanya. Mukhang nakita namin pareho ang daan. Nawa'y tama sana kami pareho, at tama ang basa ko ng pagkatao niya.

Tayo'y tao lamang, naghahanap, nakakaramdam, nasasaktan.

Pilitin man nating itago ito... ang puso ay hindi marunong magsinungaling.

Hindi basta basta madaling isuko ang taong kasama natin sa iisang bangka.

Then the Morning Comes

Back to my old insomniac self. Eaten by stress, I decided to sleep before 11 only to wake up at 1 am. After that most unfortunate sleep disruption, I decided to spend the night playing Master of Orion 3 PC Game. My body clock's compensating from the increasingly smaller free time I have for my self. In fact, there are days when I feel that I don't have any free time at all - I just go home to sleep.

Lately, words seemed to avoid me. I can't write my own journal because I don't know what to write, or what to share. I think I'm entering into this phase again where I want distance myself from everyone. However, I don't know where to hide or what to do within the isolation period. I've been so crappy these days that I still wonder if it's ok to share crappy thoughts...

Anyway

My sentiments are deeply veering in towards FPJ. People would claim that he's ignorant or stupid or an Erap 2 material... but choosing between him and that witch GMA, I would always choose the former. Conrado De Quiros was right when he finally admitted that he's more afraid of Gloria than Da King taking over Malacanang. GMA's been showing her desire... no... hunger for power to the point that she'll do everything just to retain it.

Even if she manipulates a TV station for the sake of winning.

Let it be known that from now on, I really wouldn't care who will win this election... just boot the bitch out of Malacanang and let the people teach her a lesson that the more you show everyone how power hungry you are, the higher the chances they'll fuck you up till you quit.

Which reminds me

It's been two days since James lent me two of his blueporn VCDs, and man... I've been wasting my man juice at an alarming rate. No wonder, the stress is killing me - all the reserve energy I have is being diverted into releasing glory out of the bunghole.

Hey kapatid, thanks for the epektos... I know, I should be returning them to you ASAP. I'll copy them when I have a free time this week.

And lastly...

It's not the writing style that I'm looking forward to whenever I read someone's blog - - it is how they express themselves freely and talk about the things that happen to them.

Thank you for granting me access to your world... I promise, I'll be just a silent reader and nothing more. You're not that bad as you think you are when it comes to expressing yourself, in fact you're good. If we can find free time, I'll teach you how to add interactive links, so that people could respond to you and your entries.

Till we meet again dude.

Epilogue

I've been very busy and exhausted ever since Monday. We had to prepare for a Media Familiarization Event for our client HBC Home of Beauty Exclusives, as I juggle the responsibilities of being a Management Staff Executive of a daily newspaper, a freelance writer who was asked to revise a fucking press release thrice because of THEIR wrong instructions and the need to meet a lover who I seeks affection.

---

Finally, Arrjae got his 8k billing (which I presumed will be gone in three weeks time). With all the pressures and tensions building around him, he's more into hugging nowadays... I understand that he needs a little encouragement nowadays, and his hugs shows he too is in need of comfort.

If only I could respond better...

---

I woke up at 6:30 am this morning so that I could reach the HBC corporate office in Novaliches by 8. At least, I had a lot of uninterrupted sleep last Monday night that's why I was more active this morning than I've ever been this past few weeks.

---

My job description in the ad agency is a part-time writer, but I became a busabos today after they made me run up and down from fourth floor auditorium to the marketing department at the ground floor making errands for HBC and my company. Imagine, I was wearing a corporate attire - the only time I did this year, then what, I assumed the position of an assistant, an alalay to everyone who can't depend on anyone except me. Their jingle still sticks to my head as of this moment thanks to the frigging event.

---

With all the press people around, I got the chance to have a reunion with a co-worker from Manila Times and a classmate who is a JFK correspondent from Bulletin. Bigla ko tuloy naalala yung OJT ko as a writer for the Lifestyle Section of Manila Times. Sana pala hindi ako umatras noon... Nakakamiss tuloy ang umattend ng mga press conference tas ipapamper ka ng mga PR staffs nila.

---

After being exhausted making errands to HBC and cursing their endorser, Izza Calzado for being an hour late, I've later realized that I shouldn't be doing a janitor's job for these people... I myself is a pseudo-emperor in some other empires and the sight of me doing those jobs makes me a little degraded about myself.

---

Izza Calzado, the primadonna endorser I mentioned earlier, who made me skip lunch and cursed her the whole afternoon was actually, a sweet and very down-to-earth lady. She's very picture friendly, smiling in every opportunity a photographer shoots her for photos. I think HBC made a right choice to make her their product endorser.

Despite the primadonna first impressions, I think she's more humble and friendly than I could ever have imagined.

---

I think Paragon pad is better than James' Cityland pad, however the strong oakwood ambiance of his new pad and the furnishings made me realize that this place is more homey to him, only with a very horrible view.

---

I've been writing press articles for HBC for almost 6 months already. This afternoon, I saw the Chairman and CEO of the company, Dra. Rosalinda Ang-Hortaleza. The lady is so petite and charming, with a weird sounding voice and has a very strong demeanor. She's younger in person actually than in pictures.

What made me dumbstruct and motionless from where I stand was the sight of Dra. Hortaleza boarding her Chevrolet SUV with all the guards and security personnel scrambling around her. This lady is very well protected! With matching Nissan Patrol Security Escort, my PR head caught me smiling at the sight of their security protocols. Suddenly I wish that someday, security personnel would also scramble for me (or my mom or my sister) while we board a Jaguar or also an SUV...

For a moment, I wished that I was focusing more on my dad's empire rather than burning my ass in this advertising company.

I might be a millionaire by the age of 24... Hopefully.

The Infinity of the Moment

Looking below at such breathtaking height of the 37th floor viewing deck, the world bows below my feet. Strange, but I feel that this is a surreal manifestation of my recurring dreams; a fleeting moment that I have to work hard for many years if I wish to reclaim and see again.

Facing a sleeping sun, the freezing winds from the Sierra Madre blow behind my back, passing lonely whispers along my nape. At a western distance, the silhouette of Bataan - its towering shadow mountain and glimmering emerald sea reveal themselves between the veil of greyish clouds. The pumpkin sky changes its color to mauve blue as the city lights begin to shimmer around me. From east to west; to north and south, everything freezes in an instant. The world suddenly becomes nostalgic, as the hands of time moves its finger down to another direction.

This will be the last time I might set foot on Paragon Plaza, the home of the Outsiders and the sanctuary of James' soul. I admit that I, too had many memories to share there. It was at his pad where I decided to formalize a relationship with a public display of affection - as the drunken Papu dared us to do. It was also at James' pad where we forged a brotherhood that still stands strong today.

The pad also witnessed countless self-destruction nights and numberless stories of repression being passed around the four cornered walls of James' home. It was here where we discovered ourselves and learned how to be free - despite of what others would think about us. It was here where our friendship had been challenged many times, only to end up stronger in the end.

While helping PJ and Marvin, I felt this strange feeling that I will always be afraid of changes. It is a fact that we cannot continue our contingents on James' new home elsewhere. We need to find a new place to continue our happy nights, or return to our old nook somewhere along Timog Avenue for comfort.

As James' countless novels were put in the basket and as the puzzle-portraits were being dismantled from the wall as its old paint flakes off, it is like one by one, the evidence of our memory of the place we have cherished for such a brief time was being torn down right in front of my eyes.

It's all goodbyes now - the pad, the memory of the contingents, the senti conversations at the balcony... the breathtaking view at the Orion deck. At least, I will end the paragon episode, in happy note and in friendship with all the people in my barkada. No matter where the winds of change will bring us, at least I know my heart belongs to Odders. I will never be afraid to be one with them wherever they decide to go.

This afternoon was the first time I saw the sun sets from Paragon Plaza. The heavy traffic along Edsa slithers like a vicious snake down below. New bamboo-like skyscrapers, competing to reach the sky continues to rise in Makati and Ortigas. I wonder if in their arrogance, they would end up like the Tower of Babylon someday. The pristine Manila Bay, remains calm and sober as ever, while the Laguna De Bay, which I used to pinpoint every contingent night to someone i am having a conversation with is shrouded by rain-bearing clouds.

Forbes Park is covered by endless trees, like the Lothlorien surrounded by a concrete jungle known as Makati. Fort Bonifacio, has been stripped of its emerald jewels. The only visible scars are the disturbed soil and vast open spaces with warehouse-like buildings bannering the sign of progress. Espana Tower along with the PLDT Transmitter is visible behind a think curtain of smog rising behind the residential districts of Sampaloc and Sta Mesa. Finally, the last rays of sunlight penetrates the gaps between the towering condominiums along the Ermita bay area casting a shadow stretching some kilometers away from from these homely structures.

If only I had a camera... I would like to preserve such passing moment for posterity...

Three minutes, five seconds and a little chat with James later, everything was eaten by the darkness. I guess that's how fleeting life is;

That's how things change in a blink of an eye.

Stellar Attraction

This song is dedicated to those who love secretly, love someone who is currently attached, and those who love but may never be loved in return...

What It Is To Burn
Finch

(S)he burns

Today's on fire
The sky is bleeding above me, and I am blistered
I walk these lines of blasphemy, every day
And still

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to him (her)
(S)he's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

I feel diseased
Is there no sympathy from the sun?
The sky's still fire
But I am safe in here, from the world outside

So tell me
What's the price to pay for glory?

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to him (her)
(S)he's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

Today is fire, and (s)he burns
Today is fire, and (s)he burns
(S)he burns
(S)he burns
(S)he burns
(S)he burns
(S)he burns
(S)he burns

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to him(her)
(S)he's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

---

No... I am stronger than my mind thinks. I will never falter. I will not allow myself to do so...

Toxic

Our 11th month came just when we're about to leave the motmot after a much anticipated popoy last night. This popoy is unique among others because we spent more time in foreplay than the sex itself. We found each other kissing passionately while hugging one another tightly for more than an hour.

Such an ideal night for a couple who had survived every challenge of building and maintaining a mantoman relationship.

However, 11 months and still, we still don't really know one another. There are things I have to learn and understand from him and there are things that he should learn and adjust from me. We joined Francis, Zeki, Roy and Meng-meng in Malate. Phanks got the chance to talk and meet the regal couples of ODDERs and I think from his conversation with Zeki, phanks got to know me better and understood more my attitudes towards him.

We went to Bath afterwards since my bud wanted to dance the night away. Inside the club, he was dancing as if he's in a competition or something (think of how people do interpretative dancing). Daming times ko pinigil lumipad yung kamay niya dahil baka makatama ng iba. Anyway I was taken in a deep shock seeing him dance ravely like that. Diyos ko po, hindi ko talaga siya keri masabayan. By 3:30, I asked him if we could go home. Ihahatid ko pa kasi siya sa bahay nila eh. I know, he wanted to stay till morning, but our time is over. We needed to take a break.

At the cab, he was conversing in Bisaya with the driver. Although I was a little bit OP, but seeing him in that state made me realized how different we are from one another. That evening, he was complaining that we're very opposite that he can't even tug me along to join his activities. I told him that opposites attract - citing the example of Zeki and Francis (which Francis confirmed later during our meeting.)

What matters is that despite the difference, we can still find a common ground where to stay and exist together. I fully understand that he doesn't want to show displays of affection even inside PLU bars like bath. I maybe quite disappointed with his response but that's him and I can't force him to change. Papu is right, the strength of our relationship lies on how we respect one another's opinion and personality. We give compromise (despite his PDA avoidance, we're actually doing PDA the whole time in Bath, I don't know if he's aware of it, and thus contradicting his statements or he's in the verge of opening himself up even more to accomodate me.) and accept how the other thinks about the relationship.

He just texted me awhile ago telling me how he missed and enjoy our popoy, and the nightout experience we had last night... Looking at how I did it to him, I think that's how lovers are supposed to make love to their partners - bring him to heaven and back to earth... Remembering how it happened, I guess I did... I did it and I'm planning to repeat it again.

---

Francis, thanks for the advice and the conversation. Hehehe, first time ata kita nakausap ng ganun. Galing talaga ng lola ni Zeki. Hihi.

---

Officially, I'm hooked up with Britney Spear's Toxic

---

Yes Vermont, I can be your Kuya. :)

---

With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride
You're toxic, I'm slippin' under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't ya know that your toxic?

Postcripts from Tonight's Contingent

It's all about human emotions.

A guy renews his bond with another guy, while some other guy closes one of their intimate chapters with another guy. A guy is obsessed with another guy, while a guy recieves an affectionate response with the guy he's madly inlove with.

Everything revolves in a cycle where everyone had experienced being in the shoes of someone. An observer may see the different facets of homosexual situations while looking at us as one.

That's how we as ODDER have evolved nowadays. Despite the confusion, tension, cold shudders and misunderstandings. We still end up closer together. People who avoid talking with each other some weeks ago, may find themselves conversing on the topics which seperated them apart. It's like the whole recreation process ignites in a single gathering - doors are closed while new doors are being opened. In fact, this whole universe we lived in revolves around itself. Everyone touches each others lives.

It's been several weeks ago, when I openly protested about the flood of newbies seen in the contingent. I was crying foul against issues where one is being fished by the other , only to be fished by someone else or one is being harassed after an SDN. Lately, I've been seeing a different picture - the group have come to its senses once again - or I was becoming more open minded about their display of "intimate friendships". It's like the whole group I've cherished before suddenly comes right in front of me and I missed that group so much.

Paul's birthday celebration was a blast. We have been drunk yet no one among us self destructed this morning. The bonding process, where old wounds are being healed, are to be healed and must be healed was discussed tonight. People who have been alien to me for quite some time suddenly became a blood brother overnight.

Jonas Bagas, a well known PLU activist graced our contingent. I was infact joking that one day, The Outsiders may become an arm of his group, Lagablab. We might become a part of a larger PLU community soon - if and ever, our lives would remain as dynamic as it has been today.

Most of us are getting old. I guess it's really time for us to draw whatever common future we will have for the entire Outsiders. The fear of growing alone, abandoned and hopeless is slowly showing on our conciousness. There's so much to do. Whatever happens, the integrity and morality of the group we have loved and supported and became our sanctuary for many of us must be uphold.

To a brother who fears that I may condemm him if ever he fucks around this time... Don't worry, as long as you'll be man enough to be responsible in the mess you'll create, then I'll support you along the way, if not... well, listen very well to James' advice. I guess his sentiments much reflected my own.

Remember, we're all interconnected here, whatever failures that a brother will have will also directly hits us. We're old enough to choose whatever decision we will make but please... decide with your mind, it may be hard but, avoid listening to your heart. Trust me, it will mislead you both.

---

I'm happy that the newbie is being acknowledged by everyone. Keep it up, everyone's looking up to you already. Three attendance, and you're in fact at the heart of the whole group.

---

To you my so-called partner in crime, I'm happy that you enjoyed this evening's gathering. I never saw you that happy before. You even hugged me tight, which you never did to me before. May the cordiality he showed you would be the beginning of a new friendship. All maybe lost, but hopefully, you found a new friend in him.

---

And to you, mister buffy guy, thanks for knowing you again. I really cherished having that heart to heart discussion with you about your life, your problems and what you dream in the future. I hope my enlightement had shown you the way. Our confrontations set you free.

Calling from Powerflex

Just got home from the gym. I never thought that weight training would be a very excrutiating experience. Marbin, my apathetic gym instructor told me to do warm up in a stationary bike for 15 minutes. Imagine the strain and the tension my legs got from the bike. When the warm up was completed, I felt this gyrating sensation in my legs. And that was only the warm up of my 7+ exercise program this evening.

All in all, I needed 3 sets with 15 reps for every exercise in my weight-training program. Most of the exercises were easy and less strenious. I feel my fats burning especially when I did the crunches. Man! I was doing 15 reps when after I stopped doing the exercise, cramps suddenly hit my abs. It's like, I couldn't get up because I feel that my stomach is contracting. I told the sensation to my instructor, so we stopped the other abs exercises for the meantime.

The most difficult exercises I've done was those involving the arms, particularly the biceps/triceps area. The punishment was too much that I have to change my dumbell because of the strain. I was also worried that since the instructor was nowhere in sight, I might be doing the wrong thing. But just the same, I tried to complete the program despite its difficulty. After all, one thing I've learned from the other guys is that do not push the limits especially if you know that your body couldn't do it.

There are a lot of sights to see while I was in the gym. However, it doesn't attract my attention that much because I have a calling why I was there. With all honesty, ingget ako sa mga katawan nila pero yun lang, nothing more. Right now, I'm not so sure if I could commit on this pursuit but when I saw myself in the mirror while doing the exercises, I've realized how big I had become. I lost interest to compete and make myself fishable when I started living a "committed" existence and in doing so, I forgot that I have a body and health and well-being to maintain.

Phanks was there the whole time during my first gym training this evening. He's the one really pushing me to trim down (because he said that he'll become "wilder" if he sees me naked with a better figure). But just the same, I appreciate his support for this endeavor. Really, nobody showed me this much support on such an activity except my buddy.

Hopefully I could go back to the place on Saturday to burn whatever calories I added when I got home after this evening's training. It's been 4 years since the last time I took weight training seriously.

And looking at the mirror, I guess it would make me realize how important it is to take this opportunity very seriously.

.!.

What makes me happy being PLU:

bed
fridays at malate
francis and zeki holding hands
james' mushy posts to koppy
henry's recovery from marlon
elwyn and his endless sexual appetite
monogamy
stolich and nathan
meng-meng's darkroom adventures
bes dennis' academic discourse on homosexual behavior.
bes
tops and bottoms
big putotoys
whammy SMKs
pao's happy life
contingents on james' pad
#salsalan
long conversations on the phone with an ODDer
dodong and zsazsa zaturnnah
kapag kinikilig si kugel
cher
house music
"innocent" stan
hugs with guys
san mig light
the word fabulous and divine
PLUdar activation
motmots
papu
long foreplays and sudden hardons
bel-ami

and lastly
having an intimate moments with phanks.

As I Was Saying

I woke up at 2:00 pm this afternoon and up until this moment, I just wanna be locked up in my room and isolate myself from everyone.

Zeki sent me an sms message this morning. He's just checking me out if I'm ok. Sweet guy. That's why I adore him, not only we connect in many ways, I see him as the big brother among the elder guys in the group.

And he will be celebrating his 23rd month with Boccelli today. Way to go dudes. Happy Monthsary to the both of you.

---

I had a chance to have a conversation with Vermont last night. You see, that guy is the newest to join the group and somehow, my first impression of him wasn't really that enlightening.

Several weeks ago, I openly told everyone my reservations in letting a newbie enter the group. My reasons are valid. I told them that some of the Odders don't feel comfortable mingling with strangers. I was asking for a breather just to know a newbie before they allow someone new in the group. Look at what happened, some had left, only few had remained. But last night was a different kind of experience. Since I'm not really good at singing, I decided to check out those guys who aren't singing as well. Timing, I found him in the balcony with his bestfriend.

I had a conversation with them, talked about lovelife, academics and social life. I discovered many things unique in him and I even had told him what I felt about his first arrival in the group. It was a bonding session I've been looking for whenever I come across newbies. Somehow, that conversation allowed me to see the humanity inside Vermont.

Definitely, I like the guy. I will be very honored if he decides to stay in the group. I think, we will need people like him. Oh well, let's see what happens next.

---

Today is not a good day to die. I've been useless for the most part of the day, and I haven't started my gym training yet, no matter how I planned or plugged it on my blog two days ago. I'm so very lazy and so damn hopeless to drag my life towards acceptable levels. I am not depressed, but I feel that I'm going in circles. Anyway what makes my life a little bit better today is that finally...

I downloaded my Hotdogs in kazaa this morning.

However, I love the Cookie Chua rendition much better.

Unsung Heroes

Habang papunta sa pad ni James, may napansin akong wallet dun sa may nilalakaran ko sa Crossing. Nung una, dedma lang ako kasi nakakahiya naman pumulot ng wallet lalo na kung pambabae. Pero nung nilampasan ko na yung wallet, biglang pinulot nung girl yun sabay parang tawag sakin. Ako naman lumapit at nagpretend na interesadong tumulong na rin.

Tas pinapahabol niya sakin yung girl na nakablack na nasa unahan ko lang daw, sabi ko naman kunin ko na yung wallet sabay abot dun sa girl, pero sabi niya, tawagin ko na lang daw... Jackpot!!! mukhang nabasa niya kung anong balak kong gawin, so para hindi na lang ako mapahiya, hinabol ko yung girl. Pero sabi niya hindi daw sa kanya yung wallet so ako naman balik sa kanya.

Nagdecide kami na bulatlatin na lang yung wallet, at i-check kung meron kaming lead na makukuha dun para maibalik siya sa may-ari. Sabi nung kasama kong girl, wag daw namin ibigay sa pulis kasi hindi talaga nila ibabalik yun. Checked everything inside mula credit cards hanggang calling cards pero wala. Kita namin, may P3000 + sa loob tas may dollars pa, sabi ko sa sarili ko tiba tiba ako pag nakuha ko yung wallet. Kakacheck namin ng nasa loob, may nakita kaming piece ng papel na may pangalan nung girl saka cellphone number. So hayun, tinawagan ko yung number guy yung nakasagot. Since malayo daw siya sa area namin so sabi ko tawagan na lang niya yung owner nung wallet at iforward yung number ko sa kanya.

Matapos kong ibaba yung phone, nagpaalam na rin sakin yung girl na kasama ko. Sabi niya malayo pa daw yung uuwian niya kaya pinagkakatiwala na niya sakin yung wallet. Here's my chance sabi ko sa sarili ko. Pagkatapos ko kunin yung number nung girl, sumibat na rin ako patungo kina James.

Ilang steps mula Paragon, tumawag na sakin yung may-ari ng wallet. Sabi niya kita daw kami sa Jollibee Edsa Central. Sabi ko sige. Habang naglalakad, napapaisip ako kung isosoli ko na lang ba yung wallet sabay tago sa pera. Kunyari napulot ko wala nang nasa loob. Sa totoo, tempted akong kunin yung pera, tao lang naman ako para hindi mabulag sa ganung kadaming cash.

Imagine, idedeposit ko lang yung, magkakamilyones na ako, o kaya pwede ko idate si Mama, o kaya panggrocery ko na sa bahay namin... Pero narealize ko na..

Takot pala ako sa karma...

Nakakapanghinayang naman dun sa babae na unang nakapulot nung wallet...

Gusto ko pa ring mapabilang sa mga mabubuting tao sa mundo...

Pumunta akong Jollibee, confused at dinedemonyo pa rin. Order akong chicken at palabok. Pagkaupo ko pa lang ng table, nagtext sakin yung boyfriend niya. Salamat daw sa concern. tas tumawag na rin yung may ari, sabi ko nasa loob ako, kumakain.

Nagkita kami,
nagshake-hands.
Kasing edad ko lang pala halos siya
mayaman siya based sa phone niya.
Yuppie kung iisipiin.

Sinoli ko yung wallet sa kanya. Pinakita ko na yun lang yung perang nasa loob. Makikita mo sa mata niya kung gaano siya kasaya makuha ulit ang mga pinaghirapan at pinagpaguran niya.

Swerte niya kasi maaring hindi na nakabalik sa kanya ang lahat ng iyon... Nawala ang phone kong bulok, kahit iyon pinagdiskitahan pa nung nakapulot...

Nagpaalam siya after 5 minutes. Di daw niya alam kung paano ako mapapasalamatan. Sabi ko ok lang sakin yun. Itext na lang niya at pasalamatan yung tunay na nakapulot nung wallet niya.

Instrumento lang ako...

Umalis siya na para bang hindi kami nagkita. Di na siya nagtext pagkatapos nun. Parang wala lang ang lahat... para bang panaginip lang. Sa totoo nakakapanghinayang. Madami na sana akong nabili nung gabing yun.

Pero pera lang iyon.
Hindi lahat ng bagay nabibili ng pera.

Masaya na ako na nakabawi naman ako sa iba pang kabutihang ginawa sakin.

May reason na ako para tanggapin sa langit.

I Want Hotdogs

That friggin song Perslab made me search all the corners of Quiapo just to find a pirated CD of Hotdogs - a 70s band who popularized that song. For the first time, I spent one hour checking each stall if they have that cd but to no avail, they don't even know the artist.

I saw Sampaguita, Asin, Freddie Aguilar, VST & Co but why not Hotdogs? Ganun na ba sila ka-forgetten na mismong mga muslim eh ayaw silang piratahin?

I've been to every alley and every corner of the Salamalaikum Central Piracy Station but I never found a hint that they were selling that cd. However, I found out that the place is not just a haven for Pirated Jologs Audio CD or Pirated DVDs/VCDs or the Porn Library of the Philippines. Entering a small but aircon building, I discovered that they are now selling Pirated Animes, Pirated Hard Rock Metal CDs and even Discovery Channel Special Documentaries/Features. Galeeng!!! No wonder, James could even find some artfilms on that place - their markets are gradually accomodating the A-B class.

If I have some free time this week, I think I would check out the Animes. Who would have thought that there are secret treasures hidden in that repulsive and somewhat dangerous corner of Quiapo.

And i'm still looking for Hotdogs...

and yea, I'm hooked with Pinoy OPM Retro Songs nowadays, thanks to that song Perslab.

The Day That Was Monday

I woke up at 12 noon... again. Late for work, I decided not to take a bath, and grab whatever available clothes I have in the closet. I was in such a hurry that I almost forgotten to brush my teeth and wash my face, this is what insomnia has done to me, and will continue to do so until I overhaul my lifestyle.

At least, despite my half-day in office, there were a lot of goals I've completed during my brief stay - wrote a press release for HBC, wrote a letter for a client's tie-up with an NGO, deposited my check in the bank, had a chit-chat with my ever-fabulous officemates, had time to think about Arrjae and why he didn't report for work again, and finally inspired our accountant as to how she would write her speech for her elementary's commencement exercises (she's the guest speaker).

What stunned me was that after telling her the tips about what to write in her piece, my words simply backfired.

One dilemma I always face whenever I write things is that to whom do I address my piece - such as this? would it be for me, for my readers? or for an imaginary being out there among the stars? That's why I was quite hesitant at first to show my blog to others - I know that somehow I would get confused as to whom I would express myself. If only writing could be done easier.

The key to a successful speech does not depend on what you write or how complex your thoughts are... It is how you show your heart to everyone and become human through your human expressions. People are roused by emotions, and when you have finally succeeded in capturing their thoughts and let them emphatize with your words - even a simple hello could become as complex as to saying goodbye.

---

I've been trying to do a Paowikan, but I simply can't match his creativity and zest for life. Truly, people have different styles. I was born to be a very serious and senti writer that's why I can't even put a smile on my posts.

Anyway.

My confrontations with my bud several days ago paid off. He's more accomodating to me now than three days ago. Looking at his face this evening, his facial features had changed. He became more mature after we became lovers - bigyan daw ba ng sakit ng ulo kaya mukhang tumanda hehe. But seriously, I think I've already molded him the way I wanted to be. Somehow he never felt that I'm already changing him - the way he look at things, the way he expresses himself. This is what growth is all about. I just hope that things would be better for the both of us.

I pray that we'll still grow and prosper in this relationship. Someday, I want to see ourselves in a posh condo, looking at a setting sun over Manila Bay, hugging each other. I want to see us in this relationship growing together, loving each other as the years and months go by.

---

Pangarap kitang makasama habambuhay.

.

The photo of Earth shows the planet as a bright dot above the horizon about an hour before sunrise. The image is not in color, though scientists say if a human stood in the same spot and looked earthward, home would probably appear pale blue.

You are my Earth phanks.

Dreams of Becoming A Gym Bunny - Part Two.

Heto na ang stats ko ngayon:

- 180 lbs.
- high blood
- laging stressed out
- feels something weird in my chest, especially near the heart area
- super massive
- slow mobility
- careless diet
- extremely low self esteem

that why, I need to trim down. I need to enrol in a gym class. I need to moderate my health because it's failing already.

---

Wish ko lang sipagin ako pumasok bukas
may bago na akong gym na nakita.

Untitled

Naalala ko bigla, sumasamba pala ako sa mga space sci-fi. Minsan akong nagpakagago sa mga UFO at dun sa mga kumokontak nun. Minsan nila akong napaniwala na kukunin tayo ng mga aliens at magugunaw tong mundong to. Minsan akong nangarap na mararanasan ko sa buhay na ito ang magkaroon tayo ng moon colony, mars colony at may naging ka-tropa pa nga ako na kapareho ko rin ang trip sa buhay noon.

Sabay kami nangangarap ng mga planeta, ng mga aliens, ng mga future prospects para sa mundong to at umaasa na sana maging parte kami ng mundong iyon.

Kaso dumaan ang panahon, nagbago ang mga interest, nawala ang mga sinusundang mga sci-fi series sa TV...

Natapos ang Babylon 5
Nabuo ko ang Star Trek Voyager
Paulit ulit ko na nilaro ang Master of Orion at ang mga iba pang space strategy games sa PC.

Nakalimutan ko na ang lahat ng...
Napanood ko kanina yung 2nd episode ng Star Trek Enterpise. Parang biglang nabuhay muli ang lahat sakin
Mukhang may aabangan na ako lagi tuwing sunday. Mukhang magpapakabaliw na naman ako sa mga science fiction...

Yebba!!!

---

Putragis, insomniac na naman ako.
kakatuwa naman si kugel... inlab talaga. Hehehe.
Ang sarap mag-abang ng text messages sa cell phone no?
grabe, 10 buwan na akong me buddy pero ugali ko pa rin
tumulala at mag-intay sa mga reply ng mamang yun.

Ok lang yan, sana pren ko siya para ilakad kita. Malay mo, inlab din sha sayo?

Sunday Driving

I woke up at 3 pm
jacked off afterwards after confirming
that phanks wouldn't visit me today
installed simcity 4 only to uninstall it
afterwards
installed galactic civilizations
only to uninstall it after it crashed
after 2 hours of playing it.
bored I let my body
crash into my bed
only to be bothered by a call from
Fitness First.
I won't enroll in a fitness course
I have to save money.

Phanks sent a message
telling me to eat my dinner.
I ate my dinner at 5 pm.
I opened my PC, checked out
the blogs
while waiting for my mom to arrive
I'll watch Star Trek Enterprise at 10
and wait till morning
till the sandman lulls me to sleep.

Goodnight

And I went to BED alone but confident.
"I will not fail you phanks."
I said to myself as I entered
the big red arousing door that says
"whammies inside."

3 am, 4 near misses
and several diva house tracks played later,
I found myself in a swirling mass
of men, looking for a brief moment
of affection.

looking for someone to fullfill a nights' need of sexual
satisfaction

Guys kept looking around
kept on changing partners.
a torrid kiss here, a tight hug there
they never stop searching
for the best one

'til the music ends
and the DJ leaves his booth.

Another week.
another saturday night party.

The search continues.

----------

At the middle of it all, I was there in ecstasy
dancing...
for my partner, who is peacefully sleeping
at that entranced moment.

Believing
that our love can resist any
any attempt of temptation.

Believing
that someday we'll find
ourselves there
showing our incomplete
perfection to everyone.

Dreams of Becoming A Gym Bunny

And so I went to Fitness First this afternoon, and saw the many beautiful people who frequented that place. Gyms are said to be gay churches... and no wonder, I was not surprised that my PLUdar has gone haywire inside.

Ms Tina, the nice lady who called me up yesterday inviting me for a free training, asked me to sign up a lot of papers even before I ever got a tour of the place.

"Sabi ko na nga ba eh, wala na akong kawala dito eh. It's all or nothing pare, you're part of the stereotype na".

After 30 minutes of chatting, giving intro's and other vital information about myself, she finally gave me a tour of the place. Going from room to room Shyet! Ang laki talaga ng FF! They have this movie room with a lot of stationary bikes around. The guide told me that the room is for those gym people who get easily bored doing their routine. Nga naman, you're in a place where your main obejective is to burn fats then you'll even end up pampering yourself. I guess this is what you call multi-tasking. Nagtanggal ka na ng taba, me libreng movie ka pa! Ang tsalap siguro magstationary bike habang pinapanood mo yung Japanese Version ng The Ring. hehehe.

Next, she asked me to go to the men's room to put my things on the locker. Sheesh, kaya pala andami kong naririnig na sex stories about gym's shower rooms eh pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang eh nagulat na ako sa sobrang laki ng place, in fact, kalahati ata ng buong ground floor eh men's room. My guide said that they even got a sauna inside, but when I saw a lot of naked guys flaunting their prized torsos around, I decided to simply put my things on the locker and went out of the room immediately, I don't want to imagine things...

We went up, to the main fitness room with all those gym equipments you could ever imagine - from treadmills, to stationary bikes, to dumbells and stuffs and mind you mga tol, these toys are high tech. You could check your heartbeat, calories burned etc etc in a machine. The last time I used a treadmill, nadumihan pa yung kamay ko dahil sa kalawang, this time ibang klase tong sinubukan ko.

We also checked out the aerobics room where group exercises are given somehow, the room smells like pawis, yeah. It's warm, somewhat stinky and the mirrors seems to be coated by body oils. I'm not good when doing syncronized movements. If ever, I wouldn't dare try to join the group inside.

Returning to the guests' lounge. Ms. Tina gave me the computation/pricelist of how much it would cost me just to apply here and become a member.

Punyeta! at the end, it would cost me an initial P3,500+ just to sign up. Hindi pa kasama dun yung mga bayarin ko every month etc. etc. Talk about the price of being well-fit. Actually kaya naman talaga ng budget ko, However my kuripot side tells me that I might not save my salary because of this.

Being in a high end gym like this, is part of my becoming-an-urbanite fantasy - and become a gym buff one day. Talk about enjoying the good life. However after seeing the cost, parang nagunaw ata ang lahat ng mga pangarap ko. I think this is too expensive and when I think about how it would leave me unprepared when the real emergency arrives, I think I cannot compromise my money for this.

In fact, I can get a decent gym for half the price. The place is fabulous - very interesting, but I have to consider my priorities.

After a brief demo of those machines, I decided to inform Ms. Tina that I have an "emergency meeting" at the office and have to leave early. Wish ko lang na hindi sana niya nahalata na umandar na naman ang pagiging kuripot ko kaya ako biglang umatras. Yesterday, Arrjae said the same thing - I consult daw muna niya sa "GIRLFRIEND" niya kung maggy-gym sha dun o hindi... Hehehe, what a very lame excuse. Sorry fwend. hihi.

The place is good actually, Ideal for guys who wanted to feel better about themselves. Anyway, who knows. I told them that I would return tomorrow. If I get a lot of encouragement at home (and when they can assure me in the office that they'll provide my 15k salary every month) tonight, I might, at the end, still consider joining that Fitness Center. Sayang naman, baka eto na lang ang iniintay ko.

Pero anyways, as of now... I'm still having doubts.

---

Toinks thanks for the initial inspiration! tuwa ako na you had a good clubbing experience last night. Labs na talaga kita.

Journalspeak

Pramis maglulurk na ako lagi sa Rice Bowl Journals.

Favorite pastime: Mang-amoy kung sino ang straight at kung sino ang PLU. Hehehe, Ilang oras na rin ako nag-lulurk ng mga blog. Kapag whammy, ay sige ma-tsek nga ang buhay, baka mas makulay ang sa kanya.

Check... Check...

Hayun, mukhang astigin. Perfect amuyin. Mabasa nga ang kwento, baka merong something juicy.

Basa... Basa...

Ui pics, astig gwaping! (pero bakit ganun para atang gumagana ang PLUdar ko?)

Basa... Basa...

Uhmmm ui may ibang lalaki! katabi pa. Naks buddy niya to.

Ma-check nga ang holoscan.

Nyek utol pala. In fairness whammy sila pareho. Bagay magbud.

... ayoko na, hirap humanap ng signs. Baka magkamali ng pag-amoy, makahanap na nga lang ng iba.

Kelan kaya ako maglulurk ng blog ng tsiks?

Makaamoy kaya ako ng lesbian o kaya bisexual?

Ah hinde, magbasa-basa na lang ako.

---

Got this from one of the blogs

"by 11pm..i received a text..inviting me to an orgy..ehehee..=P

text: Rm. *** imperial palace sa timog circle ung may boyscout

me: 2nyt na ba ito?

him: yup!

so sinabi ko sa mga kasama ko..tapos bigla silang nagtaka na parang ang late naman ata ng umpisa ng orgy..so nag text ako ulit

me: bakit parang late na ata nag start?

him: watch kc ng binibini..

AY POOTANGINA!!! tumambling kmeng lahat!! sabay laugh ng laugh ng sobra..ehehehe..hanep dude! pare! repapips! tol! tumigil ang mundo ng mga bakla dahil sa binibing pilipinas..ahahahaa

so kme naman..kwentuhan kwentuhan..den nag decide kme na pumunta..mga around 1:30 na yun..

so pagdating sa imperial..attack dun sa room..

*knock knock*

fren: anjan si o***??

nagbukas ng door: ay umalis na sila..pumunta ng malate..

fren: ah ok..kse tinext nya kme..

nagbukas ng door: umalis na sila ehh..

fren: ok

ahahahaa..ayan! naudlot tuloy..nagmamaganda kme..wala na kmeng naabutan..o dba? ansaya..sabi nga ng isang fren ko..siguro habang may nagaganap na orgy..im sure nagkkwentuhan sila tungkol sa mga bet nila sa binibining pilipinas..at ang mga comments nila..mga tipong habang hinahagip eh nagkkwentuhan ng "feeling ko si candidate no. 12 ang mananalo" o di kaya.. "di marunong magsalita sa candidate number 10" ahahaa..happy!

so ayun..ang ending..bigo kme..

at ang ending talaga..napadpad kme sa malate.."

---

2:15 am. Sa wakas nakakita na rin ako ng straight! Yun nga lang tutoy pa at mukha atang hindi marunong magblog.

Pansin ko lang, mas makwento ang mga non-straight kesa sa straight.

Pansin ko rin, mas creative ang mga non-straight kesa sa straight.

At higit sa lahat, napapansin ko na mas emotional magjournal ang mga nonstraight sa straight.

Hehehe.

---

2:30 am.

Sawa na ako magcheck ng ibang blogs. Wat if I tweak again my own blog? Change the color or something. Pramis hindi muna ako magpapalit ng audio tomorrow. Kakagising ko lang kaninang 12 para mag-gudnayt sa bud ko. As usual, depressed mode na naman ang asawa ko. Kasi... kung pwede ko lang siya ibahay at mag-live in kami gaya ng ginawa nina koppy eh matagal ko na ginawa yun. Pero hindi pa siguro time. Marami pa kaming issues na dapat i-solve. Kelangan ko muna matuto magtiwala at alisan ng pagdududa ang partner ko.

Siguro 5 or 6 na naman ako makakatulog. Nakakainis, di ako nakapagmalate tonight. Siguro bukas na lang. Gusto ko mag-BED ulit. Pero madedepress na naman ako kapag nakita ko yung mga ledge dancers dun na magaganda ang katawan. Sana sipagin ako pumunta sa gym training bukas. Sige, kahit medyo malayo, patulan ko na rin.

Basta magising ako ng bago mag-lunch.

TGIF

Somebody cared to wake me up this morning, that's why I managed to drag myself to work even though I was an hour late...

Wait, now I remember, it's my mom who woke me up using her phone. She kept on ringing my nokia 3100 till I got out of the bed. I went down to the kitchen, had a brunch, brushed my teeth, washed my face and then put on my clothes for work. I never took a bath, and hopefully no one would ever notice my stinky smell.

At work, as usual there's no tasks to complete. I have to wait till afterlunch until someone would notice me and give me some other things to do. I was about to go on a media research (thanks to my initiatives today), when my female boss asked me to encode some things for her. From 11 am till 6 this evening, I was typing some data from a manual. If you ask me, boring yung pinagawa sakin tas mukha tuloy ako ginawang secretary. Pero at least, hindi ko kailangang mag-isip, andun na sa desk yung dapat kong trabahuhin.

At higit sa lahat, walang nakakita saking natutulog sa work. Hehehe. Maybe it was still a good thing she allowed me do that favor to her. I feel so accomplished, even though I never recieved my salary today.

---

Arrjae reported for work. Ok naman siya, di nga lang kami masyado nakapagusap tungkol sa mga buhay buhay namin. He seemed so pre-occupied with his fitness regimen, in fact someone from Fitness First called me a while ago asking if I would like to try their promo - a free fitness training program for a day only. The lady said Arrjae referred me. After several inquiries from the lady, I decided to grab the opportunity. I reserved a slot for an afternoon training tomorrow. Hopefully attending this single training would somehow change my life, and make me feel much better.

Lately, I always feel down and uncomfortable with myself. Blame it to my massive figure, but whenever I looked at the mirror (or gaze upon the hunky and half-naked ledge dancers at BED), naiisip ko, could I achieve such body? Could I one day go up in a ledge and then proudly fullfill my dream of becoming an exhibitionist? Who knows, this might be the first step in achieving that dream. Anyway, if I have an objective if ever I decide to pursue this enterprise, my goal is to feel better and reclaim the confidence I once had before people started pulling me down.

---

And I have to share this lesson to you guys. Lately, I feel like my bud takes me for granted. Pakiramdam ko, ako na lang yung laging humahabol sa kanya, laging naghahanap sa kanya, at laging unang nagpaparamdam sa kanya. I think I spoiled him too much... maybe because no matter how I try to deny it, nakadepende na rin ang sarili ko sa kanya eh (just like I'm doing now, I keep on staring at my phone hopefully he'll send me a message). I got a little pissed off this afternoon. I gave him extra credits last night so that I can always expect a reply from him whenever I send him a text message, but come this afternoon, I checked him out but he never responded. I called him before his lunchbreak ends and he just told me to call later, nagmamadali daw siya.

I never called.

Before I went home from work, I tried to called him up again, but he never answered. Until now, I am waiting for a message from him but still there is no response. Siguro kailangan ko na makipagmatigasan. I have to let him know how it feels like waiting for someone. I am slightly mad, somehow paranoid and a little bit cranky right now.

My deranged mind keeps on telling me that he's cheating on me, using my load to flirt with other guys, participates in SEBs and ONS behind my back and secretly establishes FUBU relationship with someone. Of course, if I follow this feeling (which is slightly gaining the upper hand right now), I would have done the same... (go to BED, cruise for guys, have sex and then flirt with them afterwards, make a fling out of some other guys I date, find a better partner, and then dump phanks afterwards). Honestly, I really feared thinking about this things, that's why I try my best to think of a lot of logical reasons whenever he lets me feel this way. I'm a very paranoid guy and sometimes, the only thing that I clinged to when I feel like this are his assuring words that no one else comes close like what I do. Sana totoo. Ang hirap ng ganito. Di ko alam kung paano ko tuturuan ang sarili ko na magtiwala...

(Di ko talaga siya matiis... try ko nga muna tumawag ulit sa kanya...)

So tama ang hinala ko. He's badtrip, he's not in the mood, thus I once again suffer. I know, there a big problem on my part. I can't help but think TOO much about him. Siguro unconciously, my fears force me to respond this way. I should put a diversion to stop me from acting this way - I should put a very good diversion but what? Maybe I could install another PC Game or find another time-consuming interest such as going to places, hanging out with friends, rediscovering my childhood pastimes etc. But I know, my bud would still slip into my conciousness despite the preoccupation of the moment... the only diversion that will truly liberate my consciousness and focus that I know, is that of having an interest with other people...

You see, despite my strong stand against polygamy, I am not really immune to it. There are times I get tempted or times when I think about what if someone better comes along stuff. I could have committed a mistake a long time ago if I didn't believe on us, but so far, that's what makes us united. My enduring belief that all we have is each other. I don't know about him, I don't know how he thinks about our relationship but for me, I find this relationship priceless. It moves me, it gives me strength, it drives me to think beyond of myself but in doing so, I'm concerned that I'm becoming overboard.

Maybe I really need to keep a distance, and try to move all by myself. Maybe I should think of diversions - clean diversions from time to time. Maybe I should boost my confidence. I become so clingy whenever I am down. I think I am becoming overprotective and overly concerned with the affairs of my bud...

Maybe I should give him more space.

Ika nga nila, let him be free, and when he comes back to you then you'll know how strong his love really is to you.

---

I heard the news last night about a family who was burned to death in Quezon City. This morning, Manila Bulletin published a picture of the woman, burned beyond recognition, headless and her flesh and fats gaping from her charred body while the police gently puts her in a body bag.

Imagine seeing those pictures while eating your favorite breakfast.... that's too disturbing.

Mind Overload

Yes this is suicide. I can't sleep and I haven't been reporting for work since Yesterday. My God! My life will fall apart if I fail to appear today, Proxi's in really deep shit. I can't imagine how would my boss react if he finds out that I've been sleeping all day that's why I'm always absent this past few weeks. Fuck this insomnia, fuck this body clock. I want to join the rice bowl journals but I'm afraid that my classmates might discover this blog. You see, I've been so open in this domain to the point that I think I've been flaunting my gay side here too much. Anyways, no one can blame me, my world revolves around PLUs and my bud. I can't share things that doesn't really happen to me. However what if I joined that circle, are there PLUs there too? Oh, probably. PLUs are creative and expressive, surely they would park their sites in that community. Ok... I can't sleep yet. In just several blinks of an eye, it would be 5 am. People would wake up and fuck!!! how can I cope up with 2 hours of sleep. Patay na talaga ako. I am really frantic here. Speaking of frantic, Franticme, came up to my mind. I just hate him, I really do. He's a real pissoff, an asshole in its most disgusting and unglorified state. I wonder, how do he STILL exist with all the rantings and all the bitterness that resides in his heart? I wonder why do that negroid Code4thyear still joins his crusade to mock us when in fact, that bitch doesn't know our story. Anyway, who cares about them. As long as I don't see their posts or their senseless and shallow hirits. I guess I should still be happy. I shouldn't be wasting valueable space on them. Anyway, my mind's stilll burning here. All I wanted to do is have some sleep. A decent sleep, because I've been so fucked up with this routine that I would even pay just to break this cycle. Still browsing people at the Rice Bowl Journals... hmmm. I think that guy is cute, oh, wait, he's gay alright. Are there straight guys over there? In fairness the ladies are quite cute. No, I think there are a lot of straight guys there and fewer PLUs around. I think it's better to hide this blog. After all, I've been posting a lot of crappy stuffs these days. I'm so damn uncreative. I'm careless with my thoughts and I'm poor with my words. Well, it's 4:30. I could go on ranting and ranting till my fingers bleed and my keyboard's stuck their keys. I just want to have some sleep. I won't go out tonight. I will fix my fucking schedule and have a better regimen next week. It's morning. I have to send my morning message to my pangga and hopefully his day would be a lot better than mine.

It's already 5 am.

I'm insane.

Just When I'm Sentiying

Fuck PLDT Vibe. I just lost my emotion-driven post.

I was about to reflect on Kenzo's story and just when I was about to save it, poof! it disappeared.

And I lost my momentum to rewrite everything that I've said.

Anyway, I dedicated this song to bunsoy. Hopefully, his story about the guy would lead into something better.

and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this
day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you - Tori Amos, A Sorta Fairytale

Playing With Kuleet

Ang tigang na lupa ay unti-unting nabubusog
sa halik ng malamig at mapangbuhay na tubig ulan.

Pinawi niya ang init at pangungulila
na ipinagsisigawan ng aking katawan.

---

I'll spare everyone the details but my bud finally granted my request.
I showed him how a sexually deprived person drives his partner in bed
and he was definitely taken in for a shock as I worked my way to give him
a lovemaking experience he'll be looking forward to in the next few weeks...

---

And here I am, tired and drained. But my afterglow is still evident whenever I look at the mirror. Ang sarap! Da best! and we've both got our fill.

And to think, the only reason I left home is to have a popoy with him.

Wala pa ring tatalo sa romansang mag-buddy.

O' Holy Night

And when they opened the door, I knew, I am home.

That's how I felt when I attended tonight's contingent. After almost two weeks of absence, I decided to drop by and bond with the group. This evening, I've seen new faces - new people to know and understand and discover. I've met, for the second time the couple that always fascinates me... Zeki and Boccelli in one gathering.

It's like been eons since I met these guys. No wonder, I really missed these people. Hugs here, wave there, smile here, laugh there. Suddenly, everything seems so new and refreshed. The troubles and conflicts I felt before vanished instantly. You see, these are the only guys I knew... and clinged on all these years. I am right when I felt their importance the last time I found myself clubbing in BED. Nothing beats the feeling of being with the people you considered as your family.

I really missed a lot of things and it's good to be back.

What really makes this night really special is that there's no booze around. Finally the policeman can enjoy the perks of being in a reunion without having to worry people doing things overboard. This contingent was set to be a karaoke night. Thanks to James' magic mic, I've heard once again how the divas sing with their hearts out. People in the group loved to sing, and dance and... sing. I maybe a little shy when in comes to singing, but I really appreciate that they are having a good time.

Lui, being new to this contingent, was given the spotlight. People wanted to know this guy. Being his avid blog lurker, I am quite interested to know more about him in person. People laugh, people sing, people talked about one another, people argued about the importance of monogamy in a relationship. Bes, Topz, Marvin and I was discussing about nipples - guy's nipples that is. People were comparing how big and booby his breast is compared to theirs, and how fatty or pointy are theirs compared to his. Bes was making fun of Marvin the whole time. The last time I saw them together like this was years ago - when we used to call Quattro our nook.

Henry had a new look, and he looks better now than I saw him weeks ago. The aura of being devastated isn't noticeable at all anymore. I have to thank Elwyn for making him feel better... well even for just a moment. Benchboy... seemed had found his mate. They look so sweet and promising especially when they told us that they're leaving, together. I hope that what I saw would lead into something better, keep it up dudes and break a leg that you'll find happiness with each other. You deserve to be loved Bench, and I think this is the right time.

I don't know but Arrjae seemed happy when I saw him tonight. Maybe it's because he had again re-discovered the joys of playing magic cards with Zeki or maybe he met a whammy guy this week. I'll be in the office tomorrow hopefully to get an update with his life. Hopefully, he too had already recovered from his depression. Meng-meng, Stolich and Nathan remains blooming as ever. I don't know if it's in their mood but I've never seen them this joyful and happy as before. Sonny too looks better and more comfortable, it seems that the booze-less night made these people a little bit better, than when I see them taken over by alcohol.

I could go on and on relating the happy things that happened in this contingent. Somehow, this no booze night raised my spirits up. This is what I've been looking for in the Outsiders - the pristine Odders I've missed so much. People are having fun, and yet sober. Some people, who are used to SDN would feel a little awkward, and even bored without the usual gin-pom being passed around. But you see, there are moments when it's better to be sober, showing our normal selves rather than drunk with the booze-powered persona controlling our every move. Though we are less free and restrained to do what we want, at least our soberness had shown the untainted side of us tonight.

Before we left, I hugged everyone... to say how much thankful and appreciative I am with these guys, for being here and being my family all this time.

---

I really mean it when I said to Roy that if I hugged him that tight two years ago, kikiligin talaga ako sa kanya...

When I saw in James' eyes how he love and cherish koppy's presence in these gatherings, If I had the moolah, I would have sent him to Singapore this week.

When I felt how bonded Topz is in the group, I said to myself. "My solo eb with him paid off. I remain the ambassador of whatever PLU group I belong to."

I appreciate raf-raf's presence in this contingent tonight. I hope he had fun.

Meng-meng finally met Kadyot... Kaingget...

---

Till the next booze-less contingent. See you again boys.

Today

we celebrate the death of Marquis De Sade, the French writer of
God of perversion.
I really need to be shagged.
My body can't take it anymore.
I had a long and bonding talk with James
a while ago...

I will make my presence felt tonight.

Penis Monologue

While stroking my batutuy as I surfed the net for PLU erotic stories

Ako ay isang tite.
matigas at galit na galit,
gusto kong maglaway
at mandura mailabas
lang ang sama ng loob na namumuo sa bayag
ko.

Ilang beses ko nang kinulit
itong si boss na hindi na ako kuntento
sa pahimas himas na lang,
sa pagsasalsal na lang
at sa pag kambyo-kambyo na lang
kapag ako ay nangungulit.

Namimiss ko na rin na ako'y
ipinapasok...
sa mainit na labi,
at kinukuryente ng libog
habang umiikot ang isang dila
sa katawan ko.
habang sinusungkal ang pinaka-butas ko

Habang nadi-deep throat ako at
sinusuck ng walang patid.

Namimiss ko na ang feeling
ng kung paano ang nasa loob
ng isang vacuum cleaner
at naliligo sa laway na walang kasing
dulas...

Maalala ko lang ang mga bagay
na ito'y tuluyang nagpapagalit
sakin...

Kailan... o kailan ba
ako makakakita ulit ng kapwa
burat?
Kelan ba ako masusubo ulit?
Hanggang kailan ako magpapakakuntento
sa jakol na lang?

O kailan, o...

Whooops, may kumakatok sa pinto, mamaya na lang kita ulit kakausapin batutoy ko.

---

It's been almost two weeks since my last popoy... I don't usually last this long and I feel that my body is REALLY craving for it. I hope... I could ask him... one of this days.

Closeted Lesbian

"mas bagay ata akong lesbian kesa sa PLU..."

I told this jokingly to Zeki this morning.

Lately I've had this feeling that aside from being attracted and aroused to guys, there's nothing really connects me to the gay world. PLUs are talking about Divas, Beauty Pageants, QAF, Star In A Million, Telenovelas etc. etc... even my bud will sometimes caught me unprepared when he starts conversing with me about his interests, which revolves around these themes. I know, I adore Cher, but that's it, I go to BED every week only to dance freely and drown myself to hard beats and house music. However, no matter how I try to relate to the general discussions, most gays talk about, I almost end up not relating at all.

Probably because I don't watch these programs and these things doesn't really interests me.

Weird thing is that I chatted with a lesbian some time ago and most of her interests - from Tracy Chapman, to rock bands, to scenic locations and out-of-town places (aside from beaches and Puerto Galera), we totally jived. In fact, I think that I can even smell lesbians-in-hiding myself. Pero shempre, it takes a little bit of chatting before I could use those senses. What matters is that most of the time, I feel that I belong to the Lez' world than in my world.

Oh well, kanya-kanyang trip lang yan. As long as I don't fall for girls or... butches and as long as I can talk about men, men, and men with a fellow PLU. Then I'm sure that this Lesbian tendencies of mine remains a feeling and nothing more.

... On the other hand, why do the vagina roused my curiousities lately? Weird...

No Smint... No...

Kiss is just a kiss for me... but that kiss, if freely given to someone means I am willing to give in to the person I am kissing. It's my sole key to libido - my perfect expression of intimacy and affection to a partner. A person can give me a blowjob if he wants but without a kiss, that person would end up having sex with a Layla-D.

I used to believe that kisses are only reserved for special people. However, adopting a philosophy of finding your mate from your sexmates changed all that. I do give a passionate kiss as my opening salvo as I dwell so much on foreplay. Foreplay makes me alive, horny, and extremely affectionate - - that's why some remember me especially when they discover this secret.

But kisses also poisons me. When I discover that my partner also loves the way I do things with him, whenever he responds to the way I do it, almost always I fall over.

...that's why we both found each other because he discovered this secret...

Kissing is one of my deadliest arsenal in the darkroom. I let a partner feel special when I begin twisting my tongue in their mouth. Saliva changes as my hand explores the body of my partner... not just at the center itself but in the entirety of it.

That's why, I am a bit reserved when giving a kiss - even a friendly stan because it always reminded me of my libido, of the mindset I have adopted for myself. Whenever someone asks me why I do not give a stan to everyone - even though it's just a "friendly" and "innocent" kiss,

the truth is, a kiss, especially on the lips, no matter how friendly it is almost, always reminded me of sex - Of how I used and abused it to gain an advantage over others in finding a partner - Of how I reserve it for very special persons who either transcends my usual mindset or simply to show phanks my affection. Call me malicious or anything but a kiss, just a mere kiss bears a lot of meaning to me.

---

Epilogue: The meeting was a success. Hopefully both parties concerned would make peace in the next few days. However, the victory was short-lived since Dad had intervened only to mess up everything we have worked for this meeting. Frustrated, phanks comforted me till we parted ways this evening.

Sealdi wants to be called a fag-mistress and her version of our story is heartwarming. Girls are better in expressing their emotions than boys - even better than people like us.

Terror-Stricken

"Hurt. Marlon admitted to me that he's been fooling with other guys the whole duration that we're together. He has been fooling with 4 other guys before I caught him. tsk tsk tsk... man,"

I would have responded to econ's entry last night, but when I felt that my emotions are really overpowering me, I said to myself that it's better to postpone this for another day.

You see, I've been in Henry's situation before. I guess I wrote it blunty in his comments how my ex-bud told me that he fucked my friend's nephew and described it in full detail how both of them enjoyed it.

I know, I had my revenge too. I'm really not the goody-goody type who would just sit down in one corner, and cry - I would have responded the way someone did those things to me, and do my deed without any sign of guilt.

But somehow, knowing that he was the one who betrayed me first feels like I was still the real looser in this case.

I trusted the guy. I even wrote a long letter telling him how confident I am that he's not doing anything behind my back. That I'm a better sexmate than anyone he would encounter while I am around when in fact he's doing it already. No wonder, he never responded back because the guilt was in him. That he's already doing it already with the kid.

There were even times that I am talking to him on the phone, telling how much I loved him, not knowing that beside him in his dorm was that fucking guy who just had a wild and steamy sex with him.

My ex-bud told me everything... and I was speechless the whole time, even if we're already exes for months.

"the whole time i was lead on to believe that I was the only one in his life. I was practically bamboozled and cheated. damn... i was betrayed and the whole time... When I asked him why, he just said that he needed someone else to give him more, to satiate his cravings for sex. "

The whole time, I was lead on to believe that he remains faithful to me - at least even a little bit. Kakayanin ko yung araw-araw na pag-aaway namin masiguro lang na ako lang ang lalaki sa buhay niya. Pero hindi eh. Just like a lot of PLUs, his reason was the same - he needed someone else to give him more, to satiate his cravings for sex.

Bakit, lalaki rin naman ako ah! Mas tigasin pa nga ako sa kanya ah. Meron rin akong sariling cravings ko sa sex, and I wouldn't hesitate to find another top since my ex really bores me when it comes to foreplay. Pero hindi eh, masyado kasi akong naninindigan sa monogamy kaya nagago ako.

Tangina, it's been one whole fucking year already but this monster would never leave me! I am always haunted by this experience everytime I would learn someone had experienced it too.

And slowly, it grinds into my present relationship. It makes me a little paranoid, somewhat uncomfortable. I felt like I am a little withdrawn from the relationship because this reminders have invaded my mind again.

And it terrorizes me. Panic-stricken, I would have run into the chatrooms again, or spend more time cruising in sleazy places only to feel better. However, the present knows how to deal with my past, conciously or uncociously, he knows how to make me feel ok when this things haunt me...

I know, he had assured me a thousand times over. We have waged some countless wars because of this, and threatened him countless times that I would never hesitate to break this relationship if I found out that his cheating me. It would be a very hard and painful decision, but I would never think twice of breaking it.

Like what I've said over and over again: Once the glass is broken, it will never be fixed.

This feeling would linger for some time. Hopefully, it would never be a source of a fight between us. It wouldn't be necessary to talk this things with him again, for I understand how tiring and stressing it is for him to learn that this worries still resides within me. I would simply keep my guard.

Relationships is good when you feel secured with your partner. Relationship is hell when things such as in econ's story happen.

...It would have gave me another reason to fuck and mess around some other fucker's life.

Ex-Housemates' Reunion

Katatapos ko lang i-publish yung entry ko kanina nang biglang may bumatok sa ulo ko. Ang tahitahitahimik ko sa Netopia tas biglang dumating si James dun, kasama ang aming sisterette na si Sealdi.

Matagal na rin ang nakalipas mula ng nagkita kami ng babaeng yun. Kung meron akong nag-iisang fag hag, siguro si Sealdi lang ang may distinction nun. As usual, matapos nilang manood ng Lost In Translation eh nagutom ang mga kids kaya nagdecide kaming mag-dine in sa Super Bowl dahil pare-pareho naming gusto makatikim nung Crispy Honey Chicken.

Balitaan, kwentuhan tungkol sa mga buhay buhay... Last time pala na nagdine-in kaming tatlo eh nung first week ko na housemate nila ako. Nagpakasawa kami sa pasta dun sa Katre, sabay hirit ng mga kaputahan ko sa buhay noon. Isang taon at maraming pagbabago later, hayun natagpuan muli namin ang isa't isa, nagpapakabohemian sa isang resto, na nung huling beses kong napuntahan eh doktor pa ang nagtreat sakin.

Tatlong baso ng tubig, Crispy Honey Chicken, Isang order ng Garlic Rice, Wanton Noodle Soup at isang bowl ng almond jelly. Noon, bitin pa sa amin ang ganitong order, pero ngayong mahalaga na sa amin ang kumita ng pera, kaya na naming pagkasyahin sa sikmura namin ang ganito.

Fast forward: inikot namin ang buong Ortigas Center habang nagrereminisce sa nakaraan naming buhay. Nanduong napunta kami sa tapat ng Discovery Suites habang itong sila James at Sealdi ay nagmumuni-muni sa isang gabi nilang pagcheck-in dun (salamat sa PEx). Sa paglilibot namin ay bumabalik sakin ang alaala ng pagiging chatter ko - isang taon rin akong nakisalamuha sa lugar na yun, nakikisama sa iba't ibang grupo ng mga PLU, masabi lang na "in" ako sa mundong ito.

Ngayon, ni palatandaan ng mundong iyon ay tuluyan ng nagunaw sa aking paningin.

Tumuloy kami sa pad ni kapatid habang patuloy pa rin kami sa pagrereminisce ng aming mga nakaraan. Ito lang pala ang unang pagkakataon na nagkasama-sama kaming tatlo na may mga boypren (na noong nasa apartment pa kami ay pinangarap naming mangyari sa buhay namin).

Sentihan sa 37th floor, ninanamnam ang katahimikan at pinagbubunyi ang kabilugan ng buwan... Pinagmamasdan ang patulog na siyudad habang nasa isang gilid kami ng viewing deck, pilit iwinawaksi ang katotohanang ang mga sandaling ito'y pansamantala lamang.

Sa totoo'y tapos na ang panahon namin, at ang natitira na lang sa aming tatlo ay ang masasayang alaala ng nakaraan... Si sealdi ay nagtratrabaho na't may inuupahang isang dorm. Si James ay may condo, ngunit palipat na rin sa susunod na buwan... at ako... heto nangangarap magkaroon ng teritoryo muli, patago at malayo sa kinalalagyan ng templo ko ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan mauulit ang ganitong mga pagkikita... ngunit sa loob ng apat na oras na kami'y nagsama-sama muli... parang nagising sa mahibing na pagkakatulog ang ala ala ng walong buwan naming pagsasama.

Marami man akong naging pagkukulang... sa panahong iyon... ngunit iyon lang ang panahon na ako'y naging tunay na malaya.

Iyon lang ang panahong na-enjoy ko ng todo ang aking kabataan.

---

So, kugel's been reading my blog too. Shucks, I'm flattered. I just read his reply on his blog. I guess people are just silent but, hey, like me quietly reading their blogs... they also seemed, reading mine too.

Anyway, I'm still as careless as ever. Grammar mistakes here, wrong spelling there. Sometimes, I really wonder how on earth did my editors back in Manila Times did tolerate this behavior.

Maybe I was more bibo and pa-cute back then, that's why I easily find an excuse for my behavior.