Last Full Show

Heartland of Ermita, 11 pm

---

I was about to go to sleep this evening when I got a text message from you.

"I'm drinking again. shucks..."

Surrendering the night to rest, you suddenly awakened my senses. We met in an online forum last week. Like El Tigre, you used to hang out in the fitness threads on that website. One morning, I found you wandering in the non-straight threads and your sudden change of color encouraged me to send you a private message.

The pleasant message exchanges lead to deeper conversations until one evening we traded numbers. There is now mutual companionship between us and if this friendship breaks all norms of online relationships, it may spill over and bloom into a romantic engagement.

Maybe this chance led me to get up, take a shower and make an excuse to leave home after your proposal to have a drink - if and ever your conference ends early tonight.

"Last time daw this meeting ended at 3am fyi. Nyahahahaha!"

"Ayos lang pag naging drunken master ka at natuto ka ng sleeping fairy technique, ako aakay sayo. Wahahahaha!" I replied.

I do not know what's gotten into me, but once again, I'm placing all hopes that you're worth the chase. This is what's sad about being single. Every person you meet, every being who fits your ideal suddenly becomes your prospect. I guess now, our friendship borders between worlds and now that you have opened the doors for a more direct contact,

I don't know how our story will gonna end.

Truth be told: If ever we never get to meet tonight, I have two fall-back options to retreat to. As I waited for confirmation that you're still open for a meet-up I sent beacons to some encantos to cover me when things fail. If they decide not to answer my plea, Malate will become my port of call.

I do not know how things will end tonight,

but I do hope that by tomorrow morning, I will wake up knowing a promising future will greet me as I start my day again.

The Taglibog Saga (Chapter Two)

"So Dark Ages mo na ulit?"

Ito ang reaction ni Dodong nang malaman niyang split na kami ni Raizen. Si Dodong ang isa sa mga una kong ka-tropang PLU, at sa loob ng mahabang panahon na kami ay magkaibigan ay alam na niya ang istorya ng buhay ko.

At tama nga ang kanyang agam-agam. Wala pang tatlong linggo ay balik na naman ako sa dating diskarte. Tambayan ko ulit ang Malate at doon ay nilabas ko ang lahat ng angas at libog na inipon ko sa loob ng buong linggo. Uso noon ang mga Dark Rooms. Ito ay isang madilim na bahagi ng isang bar kung saan malayang nakakapagparaos ang mga clubbers kasama ang kanilang napiling partner. Wala pa naman akong nakitang nagkangkangan sa loob ng masikip at napakainit na lugar na iyon, pero ang blowjob, magsasawa ka talaga.

Doon ko nasaksihan kung paano nagpapalit-palit ng bibig ang burat ng isang binata sa sampung lalaking nagtake-turns sa pagroromansa sa kanya. Sa Dark Room ko rin naranasan magsenti sa bar counter. Bangag ako ng umagang yun, nakaupo at nakatingin sa bintana para abangan ang pagsikat ng araw habang lahat naman sa aking paligid ay umuungol, kumakadyot at nagmumura habang nilalabasan sa sahig (o sa bibig ng kanilang partner) ng semilya. Yung katabi ko naman ay panay ang lamas sa aking katawan. Gusto yatang maka-iskor pero hindi ko ito pinatulan. Lumabas ako ng bar na tuod at tila wala sa sarili. Shit, ganun pala ang pakiramdam makakita ng walang habas na babuyan.

Naroon rin ang #salsalan sa MIRc. Tambay rin ako ng chatroom tuwing walang magawa sa bahay. Madalas ay naghahamon lang naman ako ng away sa ibang chatters o kaya naman ay nangkukupal ng mga ads para sa SEB sa main room. Paano kasi ay walang nag-uusap. Lahat ay naghahanap ng sex. Minsan sa sobrang buraot ay nang-gago ako ng ad ng isang chatter. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang ad niya, pero tandang-tanda ko na pinagkalat kong apat na pulgada lang ang kanyang ari.

Kahit hindi pa naman kami nagkikita.

Malimit ay nagpapalit ako ng chat handle para lang mag-ingay sa main channel. Sa halip na kalibog-libog na nickname ang aking gamit, nagiging taonggoy o kaya naman ay boyburnek ang pangalan ko. Sa loob ng isang oras at mahigit, puros flooding ng ads sa paghahanap ng lakatan, kuto o kaya naman ay saging na saba ang nababasa ng mga ibang chatters mula sa akin.

Ako rin lang ang chatter dun na nagsabing nilalabasan ng tamod na kulay green o kaya blue o kung minsan naman ay rainbow colors para lang magpapansin sa iba.

Naging adik man ang mga hirit ko sa #salsalan ngunit ang kapalit naman ay ilang mga kasama na hindi ko tinalo sa chatroom. Naroon kami bilang tambay at ang gawain lang namin ay mangkupal ng mga chatter na naghahanap ng SEB. Kung sumasapit naman ang mga pagkakataon na talagang naghahanap ako ng aksyon, mas mabilis pa sa alas kuwatro kung ako ay makipagkasunduan sa ibang tao.

me: Place mo pare?
malibog-na-chatter: Dito sa Vito Cruz.
me: San sa Vito Cruz?
malibog-na-chatter: Malapit sa AKIC
me: Tara trip tayo!

Hindi pa uso ang trade pictures kaya't maaring idaan sa stats ang deal or no deal. Sa buong buwan ng Marso at Abril ay naranasan ko makipag-trip sa isang abandonadong apartment sa may San Andres Bukid; Sa katabing-bahay ng barkada ko noong high school sa Hulo; at sa isang tripper malapit sa Legarda bago pumasok sa trabaho. Ayus nga eh, may partner siya noon at wala daw siyang pakielam kahit mahuli pa kaming dalawa na may ginagawang himala. Naranasan ko rin dumayo ng Pateros galing Project 6 isang madaling araw ng lasing upang maulit lang ang pagniniig namin ng lalaking sumalo sa akin sa Mister Piggy's. Siya ang nag-uwi sa akin noong mag-away kami ni Raizen sa ikalawang pagkakataon.

Sa sandaling panahon ay nasulit ko ang pagiging pakawalang malaya. Subalit nakakapagod rin pala ang paulit-ulit at walang sense na pakikipag-sex sa iba't ibang tao. Wala man sa lima ang score ko sa loob ng dalawang buwan ngunit madali rin akong napagod sa mundong pinasok ko. Kaya't nang may nagpakita sa akin ng interes mga anim na taon na ang nakalipas, mabilis ko rin itong sineryoso.

At gaya ng nauna sa kanya, ang aming unang pagtatagpo ay nauwi sa motel at matapos ang isang linggo,

kaming dalawa na.

---

-tobecontinued-

The Taglibog Saga (Chapter One)

At dahil trip ko manggaya ng blogpost ng iba;
at dahil nalalapit na ang expiration date ng aking ceasefire sa pakikidigma sa kama;
ikukuwento ko ang dahilan kung bakit sa kabila ng tawag ng laman ay magaling akong magtimpi at lumaban sa aking karnal na pangangailangan.

---

Twenty one ako nang unang makatikim ng lalaki.

Tandang tanda ko yun. Pinagbantay ng pad ang ka-seb ko. Tinitirhan iyon ng kaibigan niyang babae. Habang nagchi-chill out kami ay naglabas ang aking kasama ng isang plastic bag na ang laman ay bigkis bigkis na pinatuyong mga dahon. Kumuha siya ng kakarampot at binalot iyon sa papel. Sinindihan niya ito at salitan kami sa paghithit. Mausok ang paligid, matamis ang lasa ng usok. Makailang saglit, para na akong lumulutang sa langit. Hindi ko mawari kung ano ang nangyayari sa aking paligid.

Hanggang sa bigla na lang kami naghalikan at nagkuyumusan ng mga labi.

Binalak ko sanang araw-araw ang SEB nun sa loob ng isang linggo. Tutal first time kaya may karapatan akong maging pakawala. Nang sumunod na gabi ay may round 2 dapat kami ng naka-sex ko the night before. Kaso, nagkasalisihan kaya hindi natuloy. Sa halip, bumalik ako sa chatroom upang maghanap ng bagong kaniig. Dinala ko pa ito sa bahay at pinakilalang ka-tropa sa magulang. Habang nag-iinuman sa aking kuwarto, bigla niya akong hiniritan ng "kiss mo nga ako." Ako naman si tanga na kumagat kaya hayun, buong gabi yata kaming nabuhay sa romansa ng ka-partner ko.

Hindi nabuo ang aking panata. Dala ng pagkatorpe ay nauwi lang yata sa tatlo ang ka-sex ko noong linggong iyon. Subalit simula noon ay hindi tumatagal ng dalawang linggo na ako ay bakante. Dala ng kapusukan, mabilis akong ma-enganyo ng tukso.

Mabuti na lang at kakambal ng aking kalibugan ang kakayahang magseryoso. Wala pang tatlong buwan matapos madiskubre ang SEB ay nakatagpo kaagad ako ng makakarelasyon. Nagsimula iyon sa isang one-night-stand na nauwi sa matinding attachment. Tinamaan daw siya sa akin matapos kong bantayan sa pagtulog kaya't hayun, wala pang isang linggo ay nagsabihan na kami ng "I love you" sa isa't isa.

Sa kanya ako natuto maging bottom... at matulog ng walang kahit anong suot tuwing kami ay magkatabi sa futon bed. Sa kanya ko naranasan mag three-rounder sa isang umaga o kaya naman ay maalimpungatan sa pagtulog na binabarena.

Hayup.

Naging sulit man ang pagniniig naming dalawa ngunit hindi ko yata naramdaman sa kanya ang totoong romansa. He hates kissing daw, lalo na kapag nasa jerjer part na. Marami pang seremonyas ang kailangang gawin bago siya magkaroon ng mood makipaglaro sa akin. Bandang huli ay napilitan na akong magmakaawa. Sobrang kati ko daw, iyon ang lagi niyang reklamo sa akin. Gusto ko sanang sabihin na palibhasa matanda na siya at kulang na sa sexercise. Hindi pa nasiyahan si ex sa deprivation na ginawa niya sa akin. Nagbitaw rin siya ng kundisyon na bawal akong manghalay tuwing matutulog kami ng magkatabi.

Isang beses ay nag-away kami bago matulog. Pinilit kong makipagbati ngunit dedma lang ang sinukli niya sa akin. Hinawakan ko ang kanyang tutoy ngunit muntikan pa akong masapak dahil dito. Nabadtrip ako, at ang badtrip ay natuloy sa pag-alis ng kuwarto. Tutal sa Malate kami nagkakilala kaya sa Malate rin ako magtatago. Walang nangyari noon sa aking rebelyon at nagkaayos kami bago magtanghali. Subalit nang mag-away kami sa ikalawang pagkakataon, tumakbo na ako ng Mister Piggy's upang doon maglabas ng sama ng loob.

Dala ng tama ng alak, katigangan dahil sa partner na masungit, at pagmamalabis na aking nararamdaman matapos isuko ang lahat para sa iisang tao na sinumpa kong pagsilbihan at unawain, bumawi ako ng bonggang-bongga.

Ang aking rebelyon ay nauwi sa kama ng iba at matapos ang dalawang linggo. Split na kami ng aking unang partner na si Raizen.

---

-tobecontinued-

Sapi

Nitong mga nakaraang linggo, sa ganito nauuwi ang inuman ng mga Encanto:

Clubber's Guide, Nakpil, Malate

"Pukingina men, bakit wala sa Che'Lu nito?!?"

Nakangisi lang ang aking utol habang abalang nanonood ng sumasayaw sa aming harapan.

Natapos ang gabi na wala akong ginawang milagro. Kung mayroon man ay si Lukayo na lang ang saksi roon.

Inintay kong sumakay ng taxi ang mag-irog, samantalang ako naman ay naglakad patungo sa aking teritoryo na walang isang dipa ang layo mula sa aming pinanggalingan nang:

"Joms, joms, joms,"

Patay na! Nakorner ako ng mga shofatid!

Ang night out na sana ay matatapos ng alas-dos ay tumagal hanggang alas singko. Dala ng pagkalasing, pagkalibog at marahil ang pinagsanib puwersang playback ng mga naggagandahang babaeng gumigiling sa aming harapan sa unang bar na aming pinasok, sa ganito ako naglabas ng samang-loob:

Siyempre, talbog si Britney sa galing kong kumadyot sa pole. Malibog yata to!

Yep, it was the first time I mounted the ledge at BED and did a pole dancing in front of the crowd. I don't care how shameless and slutty my actions were, I just wish that

Nobody who knew me saw how I shook my booty up there.

A New Hope

BED, Malate 2 AM

"My friend likes you." A guy wearing a body-fitting white polo approached my "new" friend. New friend was a good dancer. I first caught his attention while he was arching his slim body on the ledge earlier. He was fair-looking, skin head, and slightly older than me. Our introductions were pleasant and certainty had foretold that we would become exclusive dance couple for the night.

"I'm with someone. Sorry."

I saw him pointing his finger at me, while I, was having a friendly banter with another blogger friend whom I just met for the first time last night. The guy in white polo walked a few steps backward, embarrassed, and apologizing for his upfront behavior. I didn't see who my rival was.

Apparently he was buffer and better-looking than me.

Fate did the rest.

To cut the story short. I was invited to stay at his apartment. I was introduced to his housemates, who eagerly welcomed my arrival. The premature attachment was sealed soon after by a consummate intimacy in his room. I left his place like I was already part of his family.

Effective at 9 am today. I am formally declaring a cessation of hostilities against me, and against those who wishes to cross my line. The G4M account, which survived a week will be permanently deleted and I am officially attaching myself to him, who might become the third. The painful process of trusting again and getting to know a new person has begun. I hope that he is the one I've been waiting and praying after enduring a roller-coaster ride of singlehood for six months

This time, I will give love a chance and let it bear fruits like what I foresaw in all those precious moments our hands held one another.

Slipping Malate

It's been a day and a night after some intruding hand had snatched it from my gaping side pocket, but the events that lead to its lost still replays at the back of my head. It could have been averted, had I not lulled my senses with three bottles of Red Horse Beer. However, done is the deed that could make me stop the madness.

Deliverance has revealed the exit from the dark, suffocating and sweaty grounds of the dance floor.

---

Past midnight. Encantadia left Trinoma after a night of stories and jokes passed around the table. The Kondesa finally met the Dukesa - the two gentlemen who became the significant others of the ones belonging to the original five. Their introduction was a pleasant experience. Both guys found a stronger connection to the group. I missed the Dukesa after months of not being able to see him. His presence last night reminded me how his partner, Tagay, had matured and how the friendship among the three of us had grown.

My Gimik Pass for the week hasn't been used yet and I was planning to take advantage of the weekend to sneak into the dancing grounds of Che'Lu. It was a Sunday morning and I am most certain that the place would be packed with gay men. Bored and restless, I instructed the cab to drive me to Malate. The night was young, and I'd like to spend it doing something fun.

Che'lu was indeed packed that night, unfortunately, it wasn't the crowd I was looking for. Gone are the nights when straight-acting strangers would trade glances and smile at you. In their place were kids - lanky, snooty, and broken-armed twinks huddled in groups which included their loud and boisterous fag hags. I felt out of place, really, and to forget how solitary my spot was in the order of things, to satiate myself with beer was the only solution I had in mind.

First Red Horse Bottle.

I scoured the dance floor for a challenger. Even with barely 2 hours of sleep, my mind was in the mood to grind and bend my body. I bumped into several boys worthy as an adversary, however, they haven't seen through my provocations. They were busy tapping, shoving and mingling with their friends instead of looking for some action.

It might be possible also, that my mojo isn't with me that night. I left it in dreamland somehow.

Second Red Horse Bottle.

It was past 1 in the morning. The crowd was getting rowdier and the dance floor had become a watering hall for fairies. I should have gone to the bath houses instead, if it was action I really sought. Maybe the tiled chambers offered more options to meet the guys I sought. But to fuck wasn't really my plan. Besides, it's been more than a year since I entered its naked halls. It was enough that I get attention from strangers and hunt down potential preys that could serve as a distraction until I decide to settle for the one.

Tipsy and on the verge of passing out. I wrapped my big arms around a catatonic kid's lean frame. He never showed any response. He might have not noticed my groping at all.

Third Red Horse Bottle

I stood at a corner mustering whatever strength and degree of control I could impose on my senses. Being there on a sleepless, intoxicated night wasn't really a good idea. I should have headed straight home instead. As I was about to leave and accept my defeat for not getting a worthy partner during my stay, I noticed this particular stocky guy dancing in front of me. He wasn't really my type, but the way he danced provoked me.

The guy appeared to be an interesting target.

I positioned myself in front of him and pretended to follow his bouncy moves. He sensed my approach and began brushing off his fingers against mine. The fish caught my bait and within seconds our sweaty bodies found themselves merging and becoming one. He was a good partner for bending my will and forcing me to accept his dominance. Unlike the previous ones who would cautiously test the waters, he was an outright aggressor. It never felt this good letting a stranger have a total control over the way I moved.

For that alone, I shoved my back against his groin and let him thrust himself until he got tired. Talk about doing a frottage on a club. Four house tracks, several make-out moments, and two discreet sliding-of-one's-hand-inside-someone-else's-jeans and I felt like a slut.

During a break, he asked for my number. Since I wasn't interested to prolong our contact I gave him a wrong one instead. Good thing, he did not insist that I get his number as well.

---

It was already getting late and I have work the following morning. It's time to go home.

Feeling the contents of my pockets, something appeared missing. The lost triggered the alarm. I tried frisking my pockets again and it wasn't there. I was hoodwinked, maybe, by the same person who broke down my defenses. There was a moment of shock and panic, but experience tells that there was no use turning the place around for a stolen phone.

To accept the lost was the only course of action. I returned to my dance partner and hugged him for one last time. He sympathized for my lost and tried to console me the best way he could. Meanwhile my hands were everywhere, frisking his pockets.

He didn't have my phone.

Though he may be responsible for its lost, to achieve the deed required accomplices. However, I had no proofs to support my assumptions so I let things be and charged everything to experience.

I left the bar distraught over losing my phone. It might have been acquired through a friend's generosity, but there is no doubt that its lost speak about the way I take care of things.

And how easy it was for me to accept their passing.

With nothing else to do, (despite finally winning the attention and caresses of the guy I've been exchanging smiles and glances since the boyfriend days) I slipped out of Malate as obscurely as I arrived.

---


The phone has been replaced (and charged to my credit card) Please introduce yourself when you send me a text message. Thank you.

XP

nu ka ba! a diva sparkles, gagah! a diva glows! a diva is a diva, ke sad o hindi!

a diva is never a depressed butiki na naipit sa bisagra!
pasalamat ka ala ka hair ngaun kundi sabunutan pa kita. enuf with that kasentihan...
go out and party!

- Mami Athena, a comment on Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack

---

"Bud, I have two glasses of cocktail here," says XP, who went to the bar to get us something to drink. "They're both Vodka Sprite. This is for you, and the one in my hand is for you too, since I'm not drinking tonight."

"Cool, so now I'm not just a gate crasher but a freeloader too!" I told him as the neon green spotlight darts my body at the middle of BED's dance floor.

Last night, my plan was go to Government after they sent me a last-minute invitation through text for their monthly event for "kids." Since this is a free-entrance event, I wouldn't have any problems partying within my set budget. However, something came up last night that lead to a change of plans. XP, my best friend told me that he could not sleep so he would just attend a friend's party at BED instead.

---

I arrived considerably earlier than him. At the Orosa Courtyard, a handful of gay foreigners were dating their local boyfriends, outdoor style. Looking around, I saw a tall caucasian sitting on his little brown date's lap on one table, while posted in the wall high above BED's exterior were these huge pictures of the men who'd be competing for the Mr Gay Philippines Pageant this month.

These images made me cringe a little bit about the lifestyle I'm living. First, I think big old Caucasian foreigners dating exotic Filipino men are a little off-tune. It's like seeing a Redneck American walking at Robinson's Malate with his yaya-looking wife. You sometimes really wonder if such dates are serious, or it's just an excuse for the Pinoys to enjoy some perks, they would never taste on their own.

Second, I saw this news clip of Mr. Gay Philippines' candidates on TV Patrol last week. The candidates claim they represent gay masculinity. However, just one glance and you can smell from a far distance (pardon the word) how effeminate most of these guys are. Plus, their faces are everywhere. Di naman sila gwapo ah! I can vouch that I've seen better-looking PLUs. And mind you, these hunkies would rather be killed first before they join such kind of pageant.

---

XP arrived thirty minutes after I came. He's sporting a brown tight shirt and faded jeans exposing his fit body. It's not really the official Malate outfit - for every screaming gays that I saw were sporting this extra hair at their back. But last night, almost all the cute guys I've seen in BED were wearing XP's get-up. Is there a connection? I don't think so. But the sight of them at the bar was truly refreshing. Seeing these fair-looking buff guys allowed me to forget the personal shits I'm into lately.

BED was at its full capacity since the second floor is closed, Many friends and acquaintances of the celebrants came to celebrate their respective parties. Mcvie the blogger celebrated his birthday there. Being a close friend of XP, he was invited to Mcvie's party. Since I'm acquainted naman with the celebrant, I kinda joined him in his bash, even if I look like a lost gatecrasher.

"Alam mo bud, I think I'm gonna detach myself from groups muna?"

"Why naman?" he asked.

"Kasi I look at it this way. I'm a natural loner. Big groups turn me to a wallflower. Small, one-on-one meet-ups like this one makes me talk and bond with the person I'm seeing. So I guess this is better."

"Yeah, I agree with you. Mas ok nga yung ganito. No hassles." XP said looking amazed at the slideshow of g4m members on BED's huge viewscreen.

"So I think I'd limit my group presence this year. You know me, we could meet once in a while and still appear that we have just seen each other yesterday."

Our conversation about friendship was interrupted when he pointed this LJ (Live Journal) guy who writes his sexcapades in his journal. According to XP, this guy is a notorious social climber. Once, XP tried befriending him since his new circle will connect him to this guy's own circle of friends. Unfortunately, he was turned down for no reason at all. Now that XP's becoming the more popular guy, this LJ writer started writing about being a victim of a certain "conspiracy." within his LJ group.

"Bud kapal naman magkwento ng sexcapades niyan. Uhm dont you think he's quite old and too porky and nerdy-looking to brag about his bed kills?" I asked him while guzzling my san mig light, my eyes turning at every direction looking for cute yuppies around us.

"Exactly, besides, talagang blacklisted sakin yan for snubbing me during my most down moment. Badtrip talaga."

"The nerve dude, I think I'm gonna puke. Have you ever thought he's just making up his stories? Kung ganun, baka naman talagang hopeless case na siya."

"That's what the others say. Pero yaan mo na, what matters is that I'm happy with my life." XP told me.

Freedom Nights (A Repost)

To Rico, for all the party nights we used to rule the ledges of Mint and Mister Piggy's. May the memory of our naughty youths live on, so we may never forget the lessons it taught us.

---

It was a Saturday midnight, like tonight. Wearing my best club gear and the libido of the youth burning inside me, I lock the door of our apartment. Walking towards the unlit streets of Project 6, my mind seems to travel elsewhere. "The night is still young," I told myself. "Since I haven't had sex in over a week, why not attempt to find a partner in Malate on a cold lonely night like this? "

Walking past Visayas Avenue and towards the great Circle, I stand where the callboys often stand while waiting for their horny clients. At the horizon, eyes were turning towards me. It seems like they have sensed me. They felt my urges and understood my calling. Too bad, no matter how tempting they are, I have my own calling. Like them, my adventure is waiting for me, somewhere far beyond. The full moon rises in the east, the sky is clear and some of the brightest stars appear. Despite the bittersweet wind, I would bravely stand against the freezing temperature, while waiting for a cab, or a jeep or whatever form of transport that would take me to the place I called home.

No matter how long it would take or dangerous the streets maybe, what matters is that I arrive there, even if it takes forever.

---

After paying the 100 peso entrance fee, the darkness begins to surround me. Walking proudly among the gym buffs and the beautiful people, I would make my way up to the second floor. Madonna’s Like A Prayer Remix blared from the speakers while discreet stares are given to newcomers like me. Then I would stand against the wall, while carrying a bottle of Red Horse beer. The ledge dancers performs their sexiest dance moves on the platform. Soon, the small space is beginning to get cramped with men who have different reasons for being there. However, since it is dark and very hot, beneath the veil of indifference and apathy towards one another there is a single pulse in everyone that says we offer the night for fun.

Come what may, what's important is I find my one tonight.

At past two, the party starts to rev up. Amidst the shadows, one would see two human forms dancing; their bodies beginning to merge into some sort of temporal singularity; like twisting vines in a garden tended by the wine god himself, while their hands are all over their partner's sweating body.

This is how trade happens at home. Soon, I will eventually find my own partner that will complete my lonely night. Anytime between two house tracks, a guy would come close, who would check me out while dancing to the music. If the guy finds me hormonally interesting, he would attempt to come close hoping that his masculine hormones would get my interest. The same way happens to me: I find a guy cute, I show him my best erotic moves and in a split second

I find myself a partner.

Soon, the closeness would lead to intimacy. Lips locking each other, arms wrapped around bodies desparately needing attention. The more you dance closer, the more you feel the assurance of the person who is in front of you. Depending on how serious or how interested the guy is towards you, the merging you created sometimes turn into a bond... that lasts for months.

Yet in most occassion, such merging wouldn't last an hour. After several house tracks, passionate kisses and blantant make outs somewhere at a dark corner, You find your self alone and starting the cycle all over again.

---

Sometimes, the cycle gets too tiring that there are times I wondered if the exchanging of dance partners will ever end.

---

I guess this is the way with single people. They sometimes find temporal companionship in a night's dance of ecstasy. As the music gets wilder, the more you are tempted to display your affection to anyone who catches your drift. The more you move your body in a way that attracts everyone, the higher the chances you end up with someone.

Some nights, the party extends until late morning, when one wakes up in someone's bed. It happens to those who are physically gifted. But for someone who is as ordinary as me, moments like those are remembered for eternity. Who would ever forget the wildest hell-on-earth episode? What about the infamous bout with mamasang, who turned out to be a regular fixture in Epitome today? Who would forget that I found my first lover, out of someone I had... in a motel?

Those were the wild days. And in some bittersweet nights like tonight, I still remember them. Several years have passed. After having a brief reminder from time to time of an orgasm exploded in some sticky dark-room floor, or some mouths if things get really nasty... After hearing some familiar tune on your mp3 player reminding you of some of the songs you once danced in those wicked dancefloors. And after seeing two guys merge into one, as they danced the night in some other dance floor when you go to a club at present,

You realize that things you have mastered before, will eventually come to pass.

And when some close friend tells you things about validation in life... which we sometimes realize when we are alone with strangers in the dancefloor, in your mind, the thoughts of two male figures dancing in the shadows suddenly tells you that not long ago,

It was I who used to be validating my life, by dancing in the shadows.

Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack (Act Two)

And you know that it happend too many times

And its time that i realize

I'm better off alone

- Offer Nissim feat. Maya, Alone

---

I've been itching to go clubbing these past few weeks. However since my work and school schedule are very much in conflict with my nightlife, I have to sacrifice the club scene in order to focus on my two commitments.

Since there will be two major events happening tonight - namely Government's School Evaluation and BED's Skoolhouse Rock, passing these opportunities to club for free would be a folly. Perhaps a slight diversion such as dancing would do good to my black and white life.

Besides, some college friends also invited me for some booze meet-up this evening. I might join their company since I've been away whenever they call for such get together.

But the thought of going out, clubbing alone, and drinking at the bar without nobody to talk to is an unfamiliar territory to me already. Unlike before, it seems that I don't have the guts anymore to be at a scene where nobody knows me.

Anyway, I still have seven hours to decide whether to go to these events or not. If ever I'd push through with my all-night gimmick, might as well pretend that I have an invisible friend for company.

It's not easy to act silly in such a big place full of beautiful people.

Unless of course, the hypnotic music could set me free.

Mint Poetry

I

Fore - Eye*

Light
shunned upon
you once
since then
you lost everything what
you believed in
because you thought
love can never find you again.

These days
you try to seek love
as we told you to do so
but you end up
wallowing in lust:
love sometimes knock
on your doorstep
but instead of opening
the possibilities,
you try to flood yourself
with cynicism.

Tonight you said
when love knocks again
when you feel that
you're starting
to open the
gates once more,
you'll just stick
your prick
like a weapon against
someone
who might hurt you again.

You said love
can never find you; you said you fear
that love
will leave you another scar like it did once...

Pare
you've become
close to a man-whore
now...

I tell you
love will never find it's way
when all you anticipate is that
you'll get hurt.
Love will never come
when all you can think of
is how to hold it back,
and drive yourself
into a frenzied,
libido-powered
lust.

11-05-2002

II

Untitled

Luntiang berdeng ilaw
tumatama sa aking katawan
sa dagat ng mga nilalang na hindi ko alam ang
planetang pinangalingan,
sa kabilang mundo kung saan
laman ang pinagkakaabalahan
sa nakakabinging sounds, kung saan
ako ay nagwawala
sa pagtama ng ating mga mata,
sa pagdaan ko sa harap mo,
sa pagpisil mo sa aking sentro
sa laplapang ginawa natin sa gitna
ng mga nagmamagandang tao
at sa muntikan mong pag-aya sa aking...

Pare ginising mo ako sa katotohanang
hindi basta basta simple yun.
Hindi man ako gwaping
o malakas ang dating.

pero
tangina
may karapatan pa rin akong
mamili ng aari sa akin.

9-21-2002

III

For Him**

I saw you there alone... so I approached you, you responded to my flirting signals and in a moment we're together like one-click lovers in that hell-forsaken club. After punishing my lips with those hormone induced kisses, I gave you a nice and slow. Such kisses are meant for someone close to my heart. You responded back. Finally, I thought.... this might be the one

a big brother figure

a seemingly stable partner...

I am beginning to think like Papu's buddy these days: "older buddies are stable partners." While we were dancing, while we were hugging, and while we were kissing I am treating you like you and I are one. I imagined small time dates; overnights in your place. Some things that rarely cross my mind when it comes to permanence. In that dream-state I was in utopia, picking up the scattered pieces I left during my rage. I was worried, you've seen me and my devious side. I was worried that...

And that worries became true. You said you were alone. You said... everything's ok. I said... God I found someone I could trust already; someone who could salvage whatever is left of my tattered humanity. In my dream-state in Mint. You told me you'll just buy a candy outside the bar. But Fuck, I saw you were downstairs with that friend of yours. You said you were alone. You said you hate your friend... Pero shit pare,

ginamit mo lang ako

kala ko totoo lahat yun

kala ko mapapagkatiwalaan kita

kala ko kaibigan mo lang sya...... yun pala

Buddy mo pala siya.

10-26-2002

---

Itong mga tulang ito ay para sa isang kaibigan, na hanggang sa ngayon ay naghahanap pa rin at nagtataka, bakit wala pa rin siyang buddy.

* Three weeks after I wrote this poem. I met my first buddy at the same dancefloor where I first claimed such tragic fate. Love comes when we least expect it.

** The guy, for whom I dedicate this poem still roams the dance floor of BED until today. Still, even though he is now much older, whenever I see him, he seems to be perpetually lost... looking for someone who he will never find in this lifetime.

Mint Poetry (Intro)

Kagabi, naisipan kong i-reorganize and lahat ng files at documents ko sa PC na sinulat ko noong ako'y nasa kolehiyo pa. Ang mga nasabing documents ay naglalaman ng mga write-ups, feature stories, profiles, mga binastardong reviews at sangkatutak na mga kalat na magpapaalala sa akin na ako'y dati ng manunulat. Hindi man kagalingan at puno ng kapalpakan, ngunit, kahit paano, ang mga documents na yun ang magpapatunay na ang pagsusulat ay isang ebolusyon, hindi ito basta makukuha ng isang tirada lang.

Sa aking pagbubuklat ng mga word files, nadiskubre ko ang isa mga password-protected documents na isinulat ko noong 2002. Matapos ang ilang ulit na pagpupumilit ilagay ang tamang password, nabuksan ko rin ito sa wakas. Ang nilalaman pala nito ay aking mga angst... noong ako'y nagsisimula pa lang sa ganitong pamumuhay.

---

Lately, upang ma-divert ang attention ko sa aking mga pangsariling isyung kinakaharap , pinili kong ibahagi ang aking nalalaman tungkol sa pag-ibig at buhay PLU sa ibang mga tao. Sa pamamagitan ng pag-sali sa usapan sa mga online forums. Karamihan sa kanila, positibo ang response sa aking mga payo. Merong ilan na kumokontra. Ngunit ang higit na nakakataba ng puso sa lahat ay yung masabihan ka na bilib sila sa mga payo mo... na ang tingin nila sayo ay mature at marunong sa ganitong pamumuhay.

Kung alam lang nila ang mga pinagdaanan ko.

Sa pagbuklat ng aking nakaraan kagabi, narealize ko na kung meron man akong madalas kasagutan sa mga problemang kinakaharap ng mga PLU na natutulungan ko, ito'y dahil may isang panahong ako rin ay dumaan sa mga pagsubok na iyon. Hindi man naging madali ang mga bagay para sa akin. At least, apat na taon mula noong mga panahong iyon, sinong hindi mag-aakala na sa maraming pagkakataon, iyon din ang naging gabay ko sa tuwing nagpapagamit ang aking puso.

I had my own days... I got hurt but I learned from my own follies.

The Circle Goes On: White Party (Ending)

"Anyway, the entire Sangkabadingan converged at the spot where they first found a voice which is Orosa Street. As it was advised before, those who wanted to hide should avoid the event completely. The out-people would dominate the event so as much as possible, the closeted should forget going there. But boys will be boys, though most of them did not mingle with the epicenter crowd, they were all scattered in the area."

The White Party, June 27, 2004

___

Even the chairs and tables were not yet set-up on the streets when Roy, Bench and I arrived at the scene. At around 10:15 in the evening, the bars that were already filled to the brim were those from the straight ones only. The corner of Orosa and Nakpil, which during the past years were closed to traffic remains open. Perhaps, we could blame it to the culture: Gays begin their parties only after midnight. Or better yet, we should blame ourselves for being too early even though we know that fact about us already.

Since the streets were not crowded yet, the three of us decided to take a stroll in order to see the happenings going on inside the Orosa Courtyard - the spot where most of the gay-friendly bars are located. The whole facade of BED was draped in all white, as well as the awnings on top of the street across Komiks.

After satisfying ourselves of seeing the venues who participated in this annual event, we stood in front of Gilligan's where we could see everyone who passed along Nakpil St. That night, since Roy was wearing a green shirt instead of a white one, Bench teased him that all guys who wore green that night would have to kiss and hug Roy since we joked that boys with the same T-shirt color attracts together. So those who passed in front of us, whether the person was gay or straight was being referred to our green-shirted friend. It was practically an okrayan session where the object of the fun were the get-ups and looks of people who were at the party. I guess everyone were doing the same pastime at that moment.

Not just us.

You see, a friend once told me that gay fads are invented during this time of the year. If someone attended a gay pride or black party wearing a fitting black sleeveless shirt with Buddha Beads and a couple of silver earrings and it turned out to be a scene-stealer, probably everyone would copy the same get-up and use it everytime they show up in the weekly party scene. It could be the reason why during last 2002, many guys I met in Mint were wearing a black sleeveless shirt and a tight fitting dark pants.

So far this year, we haven't seen the scene stealer yet.

For two hours, we just stood at different spots within the Orosa-Nakpil area. Bench was already begging us to find a table and buy a drink since he was getting tired already. Actually the reason why our booze session didn't start early this year was because we had to wait for several other people to join us. Unlike last year where we had a huge OUTsider contingent attending the White Party, this year, attendance to the party was more of a private event. We knew that many among our breathren were not interested. In fact, if XP wasn't that insistent about our promise last year to attend this year's party together, perhaps, Roy and I would have been absent as well this year. Even Bench, who joined unexpectedly turned out to be a huge surprise.

To take advantage of the White Party, even the straight bars who began to invade the traditional gay area of Orosa just recently began to put up tables and chairs too. Since Gilligan's was already full, we took advantage of the available seats at the opposite area of the stage. We got a table close to the dance floor and ordered a bottle of San Mig Light that only cost 40 pesos.

What a great bargain, considering that I just brought with me less than a hundred pesos to spend that night.

The party begins to heat up at around past 1 am. Unlike before, there were no formal program, no theme and no host. Those who performed were not even popular. A guy, who sang rock ballads on the stage made my head swirl. I was already drunk and terribly sleepy, yet I haven't seen the kind of action I was waiting for. It took me another 30 minutes of conditioning before I found myself raving at the center of the dance floor.

However, in just less than an hour after I had a lust-filled close-contact dirty dancing with two girls (that turned out to be a tranny) who noticed me while grooving alone, I decided to leave earlier than XP and Bench so that I could prepare for work the following morning.

---

Looking back, this year's party could be considered surreal. There is this funny saying circulating among gay people that says, "bakit ang mga bading, hindi naman nanganganak pero dumarami?" That night, after seeing a bunch of teeny-bopper boys attending the white party perhaps for the first time, I've realized that our generation has come to an end. Just like the ones who came before us who grew up in Malate, I think most of us have come to a point where the party nights gradually stops and take a back seat, while career and a homecentric lifestyle takes prominence.

No wonder, the last two G4M free-entrance parties I attended in BED before were dominated by kids and not by adults. In fact, that night, I discovered that the Fluids bar in Orosa is a favorite hang-out of kids. It seems like as you grow older, your taste when it comes to partying and going out becomes more refined and sophisticated.

Despite my inner cravings to go to the dance floor earlier than the rest of my group, I decided to drink a couple more bottles of beer before heading to the crowd of party animals. Indeed, my concept of a night out is beginning to change as well.

---

Also that night, I met several guys, who I would avoid in the past because of my newfound preference. Beginning last year when I greeted a former straight classmate "Happy Pride" during the White Party, I lowered my barries and relaxed my restrictions when it comes to exposing myself. I even hugged my campy former Vice-President back in college when I saw him dancing with his friends which I could have never done three years ago. I did the same thing when I met the juniors from my major who once were my ex-girlfriend's associates during our society elections.

In the end, after I showed my support to the pride spirit, I got the most assuring compliment I had so far this year. One of the older guys I've mentioned in my Kuya entry decided to see me that night. Since I already had this idea that he is a very masculine bisexual guy, I told myself to match his masculinity even though at this exposure, I am considered an out-gay already.

With such levels of outness, I could have failed the screening test the MIrC group #manhood administers to their new members years ago.

Anyway, my new "kuya" and I met and had a conversation for 30 minutes. We briefly talked about his life, his activities in G4M and his upcoming sports competion before he and his friend decided to leave the scene. What made me very happy was that he told me after our meet up that I look more masculine than he had expected.

Being a sporty guy that he is, the fact that he invited me for a drink after his training ends in August is a complement. I hope that by that time, I won't just equally match his masculinity - even if it's impossible, I would love to match his hunkiness as well.

---

The White Party this year, despite it's obvious bleakness compared to the previous one remains a great milestone for me. Aside from meeting old friends, such as Chuayjai and Chris; previous gay acquaintances who I have met during my straight life - my ex VP and the VP External of the Student Council; new meet-ups such as my premature eyeball with Sinbad from G4M and dancing with two transvestites which I have mistaken for girls; the White Party remains a good avenue to show my pride with regards to my homosexual heritage, which I nurtured for the past four years.

Like many guys from my generation, we are already at a point where slowly, we begin to return to our closets not as confused individuals but guys who have found their answers regarding their preferences. Gone are the days of hiding because of fear. Now it's back to our own little closets so that we could focus more on the future we would like to have someday. Staying close to the closet is also a good way to consolidate the friendships we found while seeking for the answers about our preference.

Bench was right about his observation while the three of us were walking along Bocobo going to the venue. Indeed, seeing Ratsky, Cognac and Gordon Bleu after so many years would always remain a nostalgic reminder of our past malate existence

If there are changes in Malate, it would simply be us.

our time had passed, Malate now belongs to the next generation.

Back When Stonewall Wasn't A Memory: White Party (Part I)

"I've met a former classmate, a former co-trainee, and an officemate. Kung dati super kabog ako kapag may kakilala akong nandun sa ganung event, ngayon ako pa ang humihirit ng "Happy Pride Pareh!" Never did I experience this much pride about my preference, kahit na maraming panahon, tinatanong ko pa rin sa sarili ko kung ano ang kakauwian ko sa pagiging ganito."

- Manna From Heaven Ending, June 27, 2005

---

They arrived like hordes of ubiquitous costumed creatures coming from all directions. There were those who donned the formal attire - a white shirt or polo and pants as well. Others wore their typical party gear as if simply attending an event on a saturday night. Many came with their lovers and fuck-friends, while there were those who were brave enough brought their entire federation along - parading like beauty pageant contestants making their way into the crowded gay-filled area of Nakpil corner Orosa street in Malate.

They came because it was a massive annual gay event. Probably, some came to see old friends and acquaint themselves with new ones. There are a thousand and one reasons for being there that night, but as Eon puts it, do these gay people really know why such an annual party takes place every June?

Around four gay generations ago at the height of the Hippie movement the world was experiencing at that time, a typical gay party was held in a place not so different from BED, Government or even O Bar of our time. The place was called Stonewall and during those times, being gay is still considered a taboo in the western society. Typical police raids, like what they do in Alta Cinema and other sleazy places of today regularly takes place in that bar. It was probably like, an opening act every time a major get together event takes place within the confines of the place.

Things were not really pleasant for the gay people of that generation. Most of them are in hiding - raising families and keeping a very low profile while in public. Some of these men addressed their need by using boys or other men in hiding to satisfy their inner cravings. It was a closely, well kept-secret among men and society kept a blind eye on these activities. As long as these men would never consider themselves gay, they are safe from everyone. Those who accepted themselves as different were seen as an abomination. Society never saw them as people who have rights and dignities.

These out-men were almost denied of their humanity, and the only reason they existed is because they knew all along that they were different. The police raids were relentless. Arrest were given to men who were caught kissing each other, holding their hands in public and even by acting flambouyant and campy alone in a straight-dominated environment. Basically all gay men in New York were used to such raids and arrests that even Stonewall can manage to open after a raid took place. It was an enduring fight for existence until one night, weeks after the death of a celebrated gay icon of that time, Judy Garland happened.

These gay people who were stripped of their rights to exist decided to stand up and resist the abuse and torment of the police and the society once and for all.

Thus the Stonewall Rebellion took place.

The rebellion happened in a span of several consecutive nights after an initial raid that happened on June 27. History tells us that it was the effeminates and the drag queens who lead the resistance and even the lesbians, who rarely takes part on every White Parties nowadays were the first to encourage every gay person around Stonewall to take arms.

The rebellion was eventually controlled by the riot police after the fourth night, but such act of defiance spread like paper on fire across the globe that in just a matter of four decades after it happened, gay marriages are becoming legal and accepted in some parts of the world.

---

Yet the story never ends there.

Still, there is much to change at how the world thinks about homosexual people. Even homosexual themselves in some cultures like ours clashed among themselves. Though, never again will the gays be silenced by ignorance, their enemies remain strong and persecution remains in most parts of the globe.

And despite different interpretations and comments about this year's white party, the fact that it was attended by a notable spectrum of the community from transvestites, to drag queens, to parloristas and gay yuppies; even the discreet and closeted ones who kept their presence in dark corners and straight bars that surrounded the area, it shows that the enduring blaze from those gay guys who made the rebellion that became a turning point still remains today.

Dear Badinggerzie (End Of Daydream Fantasy Redub)

Nagbalik ako ng BED ngayong gabi.

Nais ko sanang balikan ang lugar kung saan naganap ang aming matamis na sayawan at moment na naganap noong isang linggo upang sana ay matandaan at huwag makalimutan ang gabing nakilala ko siya.

Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang, nagsimula na akong lumibot, umaasang naroon lang siya't lasing muli at nagsasayaw mag-isa. Alam mo ate, lahat na ata ng chinitong makita ko ay pilit kong hinahawig sa mukha niya. Kung tutuusin, marami-rami rin ang cute kanina, ngunit ang kanyang alaala ang siyang nagpipigil sa akin upang tumingin sa iba.

Ilang ikot rin ang ginawa ko, masigurado lamang na wala siya sa lugar na yun. Marahil ay nasa Hed Kandi siya, o kaya nama'y nasa Government. Maari rin namang natulog lang siya buong magdamag o kaya nama'y nasa piling ng iba.

Sa dinami-dami ng naiisip kong dahilan kanina, ang tumatak lang sa akin ay ang aming sayawan. Akala ko ay lubusan ko na itong nalimot sa loob ng isang linggong puro gym at trabaho ang inatupag ko.

Ngunit sa ikatlong ikot ko, mukha atang nagbibiro ang tadhana. Isang makisig at chinitong lalaki ang umiinom ng beer ang nakasandal sa bar ang namataan ko. Noong una'y nilapitan ko pa siya para lang masiguradong tama ang sinasabi ng mga mata ko.

Taena this is it! Talagang tinakdang magkita kaming muli!

Nandun siya ate, at gaya ng dati, cute pa rin siya gaya noong una ko siyang nasilayan.

---

Kamustahan, ngitian at konting kwentuhan. Yun ang ginawa namin. Pinakilala niya ako sa kasama niya na siyang nang-iwan sa kanya noong isang linggo kaya naman effortless ang aking pag-entrada sa kanyang mundo.

Sabi niya sa akin noon ay kaibigan niya ito - Chinese rin at mukhang effem. Okay lang kung friendship sila, tutal di ko naman bet ang kasama niya. Pero kanina, parang may isang kirot sa puso ko ang siyang nagpamulat sa akin ng katotohanang...

Mukhang ang pagkakaibigan nila ay higit pa sa sinasabi niya.

---

Noong isang linggo, panay ang lingon niya kung saan saan habang kami'y nagsasayawan. Panay rin ang text at tawag niya sa taong kasabay daw niya... ang taong nag-aya sa kanyang pumunta sa bar na yun.

Sa akin balewala yun, ganun naman diba, kapag ang friendship ay nakahanap ng partner, pasimple tayong eexit para hayaang makaporma siya sa taong kapartner niya. Pero alam mo kanina ate, habang pinagmamasdan ko sila sa malayo. Habang ngumingiti akong mag-isa at nagpapasalamat dahil nakita kong muli siya.

Naramdaman ko na may namamagitan sa kanila.

Na mukhang ako'y naging panakip butas lang noong gabing iyon - na siya rin ng ginawa ko sa kanya.

Sa totoo, sobrang lungkot ko ng gabing iyon. Magulo ang aking relasyon, at may napapag-interesan akong bagong tao na noong dumating ako sa BED ay nasa isipan ko pa. Kung may plano man ang Diyos noong mga gabing yun, baka marahil ginawa niya akong kaakit-akit sa kanyang mga mata nung kasagsagan ng kanyang kalasingan para ako ang kanyang piliin;

Na sadyang nagtama ang landas naming dalawa upang makalimot sa kanya kanya naming buhay na nasa sentro ng kalungkutan.

---

Ilang beses kong sinubukang lumapit sa kanya habang wala ang kanyang kasama. Nais ko sanang makipag-usap at makibalita gaya noong una kaming nagkita. Pero tama ang hula ko sa mga mangyayari sa aming muling pagkru-krus ng landas.

Higit na mas malamig na siya sa akin ngayon at walang pakielam.

Nakakatawa kasi para akong tangang naghahabol sa kanya. Pati nga yung kasama niya parang pinagtatawanan rin ako kasi hindi ko talaga maalis ang tingin ko sa kanya. Sa aking pagsayaw - na sa di malamang kadahilanan ay nakopya ko sa sayaw niya, iniisip ko pa rin siya.

Sa bawat pikit ng aking mga mata, dinadalangin kong pagmulat nito'y nasa harap ko na siya't sumasayaw sa aking gaya noon.

Ngunit... sa kasamaang palad, ito'y isang pantasya lamang.

---

Lumipas ang dalawang oras, nakita ko rin siyang napag-isa. Ngunit hindi gaya last time, hindi na siya masigla sumayaw ngayon. Sa halip, nandoon siya sa gilid, nagmamasid sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa gitna ng dance floor.

Bandang huli, narealize kong ang sayaw ko ngayong gabi ay para sa kanya - ang malungkot na sayaw ng aking pagpapaalam.

Alam mo ate, kung kailan pa umatras ang nirereklamo kong bilbil last week. Kung kailan mas handa na akong makipagsabayan sa kanya sakaling ayain niya akong muli sumayaw. Kung kailan mas malakas na ang loob kong higit na mas mataas ang market value ko ngayong gabi.

Siya naman ang nawala - at tuluyang umexit sa aking buhay.

Mukhang wala nga akong kakantahing Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang...

Putsa, sa ginaling galing kong gumiling at magsayaw ngayong gabi, kung kailan naabot ko na ang pinakapinapangarap kong flexibility na unang objective ko noong ako'y nagsimulang mag-gym.

Saka ako namulat sa katotohanang.

Ang hirap palang sumayaw mag-isa.

Dear Badinggerzie

Ganun pala ang feeling kapag ang mega bet mo ay suddenly na karir mo sa dance floor.

Grabe, hindi ko kinaya ang mga eksenang nangyari kanina. Alam ko lang, kasayaw niya yung isang chabelitang hindi naman deserving sa kanya dahil halatang hindi keri ang mga giling niya. Maya-maya, lumapit na lang siya sakin at tinulak ako papunta sa gitna para makasayaw. I swear kung uod lang ako, pwede na akong budburan ng asin para mag wiggle ng walang katapusan sa kinatatayuan ko.

Alam mo ba ate, habang kaharap ko siya, lahat na ata ng pwede kong punahin sa sarili ko eh napuna ko na. Nandung, magworry ako dahil amoy sigarilyo ang aking hininga. Nandung napaka-oily ng balat ko at wala man lang akong panyo pamunas habang gumigiling kaming dalawa. Nandung pati bilbil ko eh ikabadtrip ko na dahil lumalaylay sa tagiliran ko. Para akong dalagitang nasa harap ng kanyang first crush, kulang na lang matunaw ako habang sumasayaw sa harap niya.

Nakakatuwa no? Kahit ako hindi ko inexpect na ganun pa rin ako ka eng-eng pag may bet akong pumansin sa akin. Jusku! bihira lang ata sa tanang buhay ko yun. Kahit nung kapokpokan ko pa nung sinaunang panahon, once in a blue moon lang mangyari ang mga pagkakataong ganun. Takot ko nga, baka sa sobrang lousy ko magsayaw (dahil sobrang tense ako habang nangigigil siya habang gumigiling sa harap ko), maaring talikuran na lang niya ako't makipagsayaw sa iba.

Lalo na't kung saan saan ang tingin niya at hindi sa akin.

Diba sobrang looser ng kalalabasan ko nun? Siguro kung nangyari yun, nagpaka-tago tago na ako sa madilim na bahagi ng BED at magpapanatang hindi muna magpakita sa lugar na yun in 48 years.

Kaimbyerna, mahirap talaga minsan tumanggap ng rejection eh.

---

Pasensya na kung hindi ko na kayo masyado nasamahan nung nakapartner ko siya. Alam ko namang happiness rin kayo. Nakakatawa nga eh. Everytime na kasama kita, nauuwi sa karir mode ang drama ko. Ngayon nga lang eh pumalo sa jackpot. Siya yung unang superbet na sinabi ko sayo na dinedma mo lang. Mukhang swerte ang dala mo sakin - mas tumataas ang market value ko kapag nasa isang bar tayo.

Alam mo ang nakakatawa, habang nag-uusap kami... habang binabakuran ko siya BUONG magdamag nung umalis na kayo, at habang inaalalayan ko ang mokong dahil lasing na lasing na; nakabaon sa isip ko yung sabi mong wala akong K magkaroon ng happiness hangga't hindi ko nakukuha ang pangalan, tirahan, edad, trabaho at telepon number ng bet ko.

Sa kanya... abot langit ang nakuha ko - except sa isang bagay na sinadya kong di kunin. Kung happiness na akong nakita siya nung medyo maaga pa, marahil perfection na ang nakasayaw ko siya.

---

Sayang nga lang

Ang aming moment ay isang magdamagan lamang, sa isang dancefloor kung saan konti ang tao at ang music ay talaga namang hindi nakaka-inspire isayaw.

At ang pabaon niya lang sakin ay ang kanyang 5'8 na height, singkit na mga mata, makinis na kutis, dimples sa mga pisngi at makisig na pangangatawan.

Siguro hanggang sa panaginip, paulit ulit na maririnig ko ang kanyang Fookien-accent na Tagalog at ang kanyang walang katapusang tanong tungkol sa kung sino ang kasama ko sa bahay at kung maari ba siyang makitulog.

Para tuloy akong si Cinderella habang paulit ulit ko itong naalala habang sinusulat ko itong entry na ito.

---

Nagsama pa kami ng mahaba-habang oras matapos kayong umalis ng BED.

Sumandal pa kami sa pader, nahiga sa sofa, nagdikitan ng mga braso, nakiskisan ng mga pisngi. Kung ibang tao lang siguro yun, nauwi sa laplapan ang nangyari sa aming dalawa.

At alam mo ba, nagvolunteer pa akong ihatid siya sa kanilang bahay sa Cubao na nauwi sa paghahatid niya sa akin malapit sa bahay - libre pa pamasahe.

Sabi niya kasi masyado daw malayo ang Cubao para sa akin eh... baka magkaproblema lang ako pauwi.

At alam mo ba ang pinakamalungkot sa lahat?

Ang aming simula at katapusan ay inabot lamang ng dalawang oras - katumbas lamang ito ng isang panonood ng sine na nagkaroon ng malungkot na ending.

Marahil pagkagising niya mamaya, nakalimutan na niya ang lahat - at ang amats na lang ang maiiwan sa kanya. Sa kanyang pagbangon at pagsisimula ng araw ng tanghali, hindi niya maalala na may isang nakilala siya sa BED na sumalo sa kanya - habang siya'y lunod sa alkohol at magulo ang pag-iisip.

Marahil kapag nagkita kaming muli sa mga susunod na panahon, isang panandaliang titig na lang o kaya astig na patango ang isusukli niya sa aking pagbati sa kanya.

Marahil sa muli naming pagkikita... nakalimutan ko na ang hitsura ng kanyang maangas ngunit katuwa-tuwang pagmasdang mukha.

Napakalapit ko na sana, pero sadyang pagkakataon - at disiplina ang nagpigil sakin.

---

Tanda ko pa, ilang segundo bago ako bumaba hinirit pa niya na magtext ako sa kanya, na sinuklian ko lang ng paasar na ngiti.

Tangina, paano ako magtetext sa kanya eh sa kalasingan niya

at sa takot kong magkaroon ng dugtong-dugtong na linya ang aming kwentong buhay na nagsimula ngayong gabi...

Nakalimutan naming magpalit ng numero ng cellphone ng bawat isa.

Ang lahat ay tinapos ko na isang gabi lamang.

Freedom Nights

For XP, in his pursuit of bliss on a moonlit saturday night...

---

It was a Saturday midnight, like tonight. Wearing my best party gear and the libido of the youth burning inside me, I lock the door of our apartment. Walking towards the unlit streets somewhere in Quezon City, my mind seems to travel elsewhere. The night is still young, I told myself, since I haven't had a popoy in over a week, why night attempt to find one in Malate on cold night like this.

Walking past Visayas and into the great Circle, I stand where the callboys often stand while waiting for their customers. At the horizon, eyes were turning towards me. It seems like they have seen me, felt my urges, understood my calling. Too bad, no matter how tempting they were, I have my own calling. Like them, my adventure is waiting for me, somewhere far beyond.

The full moon rises in the east, the sky was all clear and some of the brightest stars would appear. Despite the bitter wind, I would bravely stand against the freezing temperature, while waiting for a cab, or a jeep or whatever form of transport that would take me to the place I called home.

No matter how long it would take or dangerous the streets maybe, what matters is that I arrived there, even if it takes forever.

---

"Oh my god, I never realized how my work out paid off, until now..."

---

After paying the 100 peso entrance fee, the darkness begins to surround me. Walking proudly among the gym buffs and the beautiful people, I would make my way up to the second floor. Madonna’s Like A Prayer Remix blared from the speakers while discreet stares are given to those who deserve it.

Then I would stand against the wall, while I carrying a bottle of Red Horse. The ledge dancers performed their sexiest dances on the platform. The small space is beginning to get cramped with men who have different reasons for being there. However, since it was dark and very hot, beneath the veil of distance and apathy towards one another there is a single pulse in everyone that says we offer the night for fun.

Come what may, what's important is I find my one tonight.

At past two, the party starts to rev up. Amidst the shadows, one would see two human forms dancing; their bodies beginning to merge into some sort of temporal singleness while their hands are all over the place.

This is how trade happens at home. Sooner, I will find my own partner as well.

At a moment, some guy would come close who would check you out while dancing to the music. If the guy finds you hormonally interesting, they would attempt to come close hoping they would get your interest. The same way happens to you: You find a guy cute, you show your moves and in a split second

You found yourself a partner.

Soon, you become too close as you danced with him that your bodies begin to merge as one. Depending on how serious or how interested the guy towards you, the merging you created sometimes turn into a bond... that lasts for months.

Yet in most occassion, such merging wouldn't last an hour. After several songs, passionate kisses and blantant make outs somewhere around the corner. You find your self alone and starting the cycle all over again.

I guess this is the way it is with single people. You sometimes find temporal companionship in a night's dance of ecstasy. As the music gets wild, the more you are tempted to act wilder. The more you move your body in a way that attracts everyone, the higher the chances you end up with someone.

Some nights, the party extends until late morning, when one wakes up in some other's bed. It happens to those who are gifted, but for someone who is as ordinary as me. Moments like those are remembered for eternity. Who would ever forget the wildest hell-on-earth episode, as well as with the infamous bout with mamasang? Who would forget that I found my first lover, out of someone I had... in a motel?

Those were the wild days. And in some bittersweet nights like tonight, I still remember them.

Several years have passed. After having a brief reminder from time to time of an orgasm exploded in some sticky dark-room floor, or some mouths if things get really nasty... After hearing some familiar tune on your mp3s reminding you of some of the songs you once danced. And after seeing two guys merged into one, as they danced the night in some other dance floor.

You get to realize that things you have mastered before, will eventually come to pass.

And when some close friend tells you how good it is to be free... to be alone among some lonely guys in a dancefloor, in your mind, the thoughts of two male figures dancing in the shadows suddenly tells me that not long before,

It was I who used to be dancing in the shadows.

Jomanian Space

I left home last night to get some air somewhere where I could be alone.

It seems like my trouble with Phanks has gotten out of hand - I don't know, it must be my self-created delusions that drives me to insanity. Like what I've said about last Sunday, ever since it happened I've been more possessive and wary partner towards him. I always assumed that he might be hiding something from me.

And whenever I get to be reminded of the Cold Water incident last month. It felt that if he could do that before, he could always do that to me anytime.

I just couldn't trust him enough even though he assures me all the time.

And this past few days has been very emotionally troublesome for me.

---

Anyway, I was planning to meet up with Nate last night.

However, since I couldn't make up my mind whether to join them at Kupkop's place and expose my troubled state, I just decided to pay BED a visit.

After all, it was almost midnight.

Before I left Megamall, I sent Phanks my final goodnight message for the night. It took some time before he texted back, but for me it's like forever. Every negative thought I could think of simply plays on my mind as minutes passed by.

But I waited patiently...

Kaya nga emotionally troublesome for me kasi I can't even demand him to address my fears and insecurities towards him.

On the bus, I still waited for his text to arrive. All in all, it took him almost an hour to respond - which is quite ordinary, if I based it on our long term context. But since I was in a state of panic, I was already drafting some immediate response in order for me not to get hurt by my own thoughts.

I was really poised to protect my emotions at whatever cost if needed last night...

Good thing, he responded before I arrived at Malate. His response was a great relief, even though it was short and somehow routinary.

But it really did made my night. Because of that short text alone, I promised myself to engage in clean fun, whatever fun I would find that night...

Alone.

---

BED becons in front of me.

It was way bigger and more impressive outside, but what I'm really looking forward to is to see what's on the inside.

Arrjae gave me an idea before about BED's expansion blueprints, and what I saw was almost the same as to what's on my mind.

There was this big dancefloor on the right when youre coming from the door, a VIP corner on the second floor for private parties, a hanging bridge where you could see the entire dancefloor, and lots of "dark corners" where you can chill out and make-out with someone you met.

It was a pretty awesome sight... but I missed the old cramped one.

When I went there last night, it seems like they have just lost their flavour...

Last night, I had a hard time warming myself up because everyone seems to know each other. Besides, there's no elevated platform anymore where those hard-core dancers like me can simply go up and dance there till kingdom come - never minding the business of everyone around them.

The new BED allowed friends and barkadas to socialize even more - much like what Government is offering based from a "trusted source". But now, the spacious place tends to alienate more those who went there alone -

Those who don't have a regular BED buddies you could hang-out with and socialize in between dance-breaks.

Good thing, I spotted McVie, later that night. At least, I knew someone among the crowd, and it was really cool to meet him again.

We chatted a little, talked about other bloggers we know and commented about how big the renovated BED is.

But I didn't stay much longer for it was already 4 am. Besides, he had some company too.

After a while, I went back to the dance floor, cruised a little for some whammies before returning back to McVie to say my good byes.

---

Last night, I broke my record and went back to Malate.

For I thought that the reason for all those panic strikes and sudden speculations about Phank's activities is due to the fact that I have no social life lately.

That maybe, attaching too much to Phanks and turning my back at my own life made me more selfish and insecure about myself.

And you know what, I somehow felt better when I got home.

Even though I was alone and lonely most of the time last night,

The sheer thrill of being free for a night made everything,

All worth it.

The Kabuki Showdown (Finale)

As we lay on the bed prior to going to sleep, I stroked his tummy and told him that I’m sorry. Still, phanks never uttered a word.

In my mind, if ever my buddy would ignore me for the rest of the night and leaves home early the following morning, I assured myself that I would retaliate.

I promised myself that I would declare war if he does that to me despite the fact that I am already on a reconciliatory mood.

However, my hopes were not really down for there was a hint that he wouldn’t last a night ignoring me at all. First, because we slept in one bed; I was already half naked so if ever he got close to me, I could easily hug him and arouse him in the process. Second, my buddy never wears undies when sleeping. He took off his undies before we went to bed. That alone ensured me that he means business that night.

Lights off, we were both making pakiramdam to one another.

---

As we lay on the bed, he suddenly turned around to face me. Phanks began complaining about what happened as he hugged me with his lean arms. I hugged back and began kissing him.

I told myself, there’s no more explanation to be done. The showdown is finally over.

We slept at around 4 am. By 5:30, we’re doing rounds again. I brought my work at home that morning so that I could spend more time with Phanks as planned. In return, he slept all morning till late afternoon. He was with me until my shift ends.

And we made record last Sunday.

Despite the fact that our Black Party was a disaster that almost tore us apart. Our sexual cravings (for one another, I guess) allowed us to oversee those shortcomings and realize what’s more important for us.

Isang matinding sex lang pala ang katapat ng lahat...

But of course, even though the showdown ends there... things are rather brewing again. Like those that happen during post party celebrations.

The attachments, however made me more clingy though...

The Kabuki Showdown (Part Two)

The party was just heating up yet phanks is already in his climax. He was dancing wildly at one side of the dance floor. In my opinion his grooves was so outrageous (and jologs) that there came a point that I have to distrupt his dancing because he was already close to doing a trance.

Of course he got irritated when I stopped him. He said he was just having fun and wanted to express it through dancing. But since he won't listen to my explanation, I just let him start over again in hopes that he would achieve a trance state when the party is on its climax.

Since I was with my buddy that night, I was already expecting that I would take the role of the supressor. That means I could not dance like I do when I'm alone since I would be looking after my buddy all the time.

You see, the last time I did show my grooves in front of a lover was during my ex's time. We went to Mint that night. And behind my back, he attempted to flirt with some other guys in that bar. It ended in a bitter showdown with buff guys at Orosa that morning. Ever since that incident, I just contented myself by dancing a little while looking after my buddy and those who are interested in becoming his dance partner.

That night, an effeminate guy got interested in Phanks. Since I was dancing at the back then, I simply moved closer to my buddy to show our status to the guy. However, my sudden moves irritated Phanks. He was complaining that I kept on doing a PDA in front of all gay people around us, which really made him uncomfortable.

That's where it all started. In my mind, I simply didn't understand his reasons why we shouldn't show that were lovers when in fact, everyone around us shares the same preference that we have. To my disappointment, I even told XP:

"nagdala pa ako ng buddy eh hindi ko rin naman makakasama... sana pala nagsolo na lang ulit ako gaya ng dati"

XP just patiently listened.

By this time Phanks got me more infuriated. Every time I attempted to get close to him, he would immediately brush me off and tell me that he's cool. The last time he did it to me, I simply backed off behind my friends who were with us.

However when I saw him dancing closely with Sonny, that when things really blew me off. Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't jealous towards them. What really made me loose my temper was the fact that I can't get close to my bud while others can simply dance with him as if they were partners since they are my friends.

I viewed everything as adding insult to the frustrations I've been harboring the entire evening.

Immediately he felt my bitter reactions so he went towards me to dampen my raging emotions. However, the upset already took over my mood especially when I saw too lovers dancing romantically in front of us. No matter how good the music was, the following events lead to total loss of interest to party on my part.

These reactions were also immediately picked up by my buddy. When he noticed that my mood did not change, it began to affect him as well. Soon, his mood turned sour too. In the end, we just stood up at the corner while being cold to one another.

Our friends tried their best to console us both. But Phanks was more unforgiving, he continued to ignore me. I was not in the mood as well so after the mini-halloween costume fashion show, I asked phanks if we could already go home.

It took several tries before he agreed to my request. Immediately, we left Malate without even uttering a single word. Inside the cab, we were extremely cold to one another.

My rage has subsided by the time we arrived home, but his coldness still lingered on even when we're both getting ready to sleep.

-tobecontinued-