Encore

Perhaps, there was a reason why I didn't slept early last night.



Spent the last hours before midnight watching Daddy Day Care at HBO. It was amusing while it lasted, finally claimed some part of me that was lost after working at the research company. I'm not really into children, yet watching those feel-good movies somehow uplifts my spirit and refreshens me up for another run the following day.



After DDC, I stumbled into discovering the time slot of Sex in the City. Before when I'm still bum, I used to wait all night for that series, especially after watching the SATC DVD some months ago Paul Stolich gave me two christmas ago.



Anyway, I never realized that it was the final episode of the whole series. The fuck! I've finally got to watch that syndicate only to savour its very last parts. Life's unfair! Daya!



I was deeply moved when the four of them found love they were seeking for. That simple kind of love where there are no complications and expectations. Such love where you can be free as a wind, yet compact as ice. And yeah, Paris was really romantically breathtaking. I envy dad tuloy. At least in his lifetime, he have seen that romantic place.



Too bad though, he was with his mistress instead of my mom.



---



2004 will be over in just a few hours. Frankly, I'm not in the mood to welcome the new year. In fact, I'd rather go to sleep rather than join the revelry especially with what's going on to world right now. Too much senseless death and destruction makes you wanna contemplate about the value of life.



If only there are reincarnations.



I want to have a more structured life next year. I want to become so boxed that I'd perform like a machine. Forget about parties and nightlife, I'm a family man! My bud is the only thing that's missing in this house for me to stay here after work. Hopefully, I'd be more productive and secured next year. With what's happening around me, I cannot help but see this house as my sanctuary and my fortress.



If you have a fortress, you protect it with your whole life. If you have a sanctuary, you defend it with you own soul. That's what I feel here. I want this place to be me.



Oh well, I'm kinda sleepy right now. Had to go to work this morning to earn more money. Hopefully, our dinner later would be siomai or spaghetti with a lot of cheese. I didn't ate lunch and breakfast so my stomach is prepared to accomodate what ever food that passes through my mouth.

Dear God

Why do I have to live with a mind often stricken by anxiety attacks? Why do I have to be over anxious about a lot of things, especially when it comes to people closest to my heart? Why do I have to be over responsible to those whom I served? Why do I have to be like this, always begging you to protect my loved ones, always trying to think things ahead of what is actually happening? Why do I have to be speculative and contemplative? Why do I value life, that much that I tend to sacrifice my own for the sake of people I love?



This afternoon, I had two anxiety attacks. I tend to estimate the time of arrival of people I meet. It seems like I have this built-in calculator where, I know the distance of two locations in reference of time. My bud arrived 15 minutes late, and it did made me tremble. Perhaps because there is no means to contact him and adjust my time estimation. I prayed to you to keep him safe. So far, you did protect him. And it made my heart really really relieved to see him arrive home.



When he left home, I accompanied him up to a quarter of his journey. I made sure he ride the transpo that would take him directly to his home. Again, I did my time estimation. I gave him one hour to arrive there... yes, I did consider the traffic, especially this season. But when he did not contact me an hour after we parted, I reverted back to my anxiety mode - puffing a malboro to contain the attacks; Trying to call his phone even if his sister is already pissed off with my 10-minute interval calls.



I gave him around 30 minutes to reply. I took a bath, read the old newspapers, lighted up a candle, just like what they plead on the television and looked at the sky, while I was again asking for your protection, I was already changing my clothes to go out andflag a taxi to trace the route of his FX, when I finally recieved his text. I was so madly obsessed of making sure he's safe that I'm willing to go all the way to the north just to make sure I'll be around if anything happens.



In fact, I even gave him Doland Castro's calling card. You know, just in case since he don't have with him any identification cards. Of course there was no connection between me and the card, but at the back of my mind, at least he have a sort of powerful identification with him. In fact, I want to talk to sonny as to where I can find a trader who does those identification thingie all soldiers have to wear. He has one, and I'm itching to give something like that to my bud. I'm sure, this is an overkill, but I can't help but keep myself wary, and worried because I know, he's in my jurisdiction. I tend to take responsibilities to people I've met... and worse, do mad things just to ensure that they'll leave my sphere safe and secure.



I know Lord, I'm a psycho. I am an obsessive compulsive, anxiety prone person. In fact, I think if I'm straight, I'll be a nice husband (of course, I was a shit too before Lord, you taught me a great lesson about relationship during my second one). But... why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to complicate my life by claiming responsibility to others, when in fact, none of my friends or acquaintances think like I do.



And you know what, to ensure that mom has always an assistant in school, I am even willing to pay up for her volunteer. Buying her a wheelchair was also some sort of pacifier on my part. Just to keep myself sane, I am willing to do that. As long as I could remember, I've been this way. I've been so damn protective that my straight friends before even complained that I treat them like women.



Perhaps because I am really afraid to be guilty of something or to oversee things, which might have been prevented. You know that I've always talked to you because of this fear. You know that I did get mad at you when you allowed mom to slip in the toilet and let her head bleed. One day, when we get to finally meet. I'd be very happy to talk to you about how my life went because of this. I'd be very grateful if you'd tell me why my mind thinks like this.



I guess by now, no psychiatrist can help me on this one. No mortal can give someone complete security right? Thanks for listening. I know, this has been a hard time for me. There's a lot of things still to worry about, but I could face those worries tomorrow. Thanks for answering my plea this evening and allowing my bud to reach home safe. I know, he's puzzled as to why I was frantic when I called him. In fact, he's beginning to absorb those quirky traits that I have. Thanks again, I'll pray to you next time.



This has been a very exhausting day. But I'm happy that you allowed me to show how much I truly love my man.

Sheer Madness

"NOT EVEN cries for help stopped looters from preying on victims of a collision involving a Laguna-bound train and a bus in Bicutan, Taguig, late yesterday morning.

'I was bleeding and in pain when they grabbed the morning's earnings inside my waist bag,' said Minerva Rabano, conductress of the ill-fated MGP bus that was rammed by the train.

She said the money was worth about P1,000.

Rabano recalled that she was feeling dizzy and still unable to move when she felt someone taking her cell phone from the left breast pocket of her blouse.

"I thought they came to help us but they instead stole the bags of the other victims," Rabano said." - From Inquirer Metro Section, inq7.net



---



Has the world gone mad?



Around the world, nations are scrambling to aid countries which were hit by the deadly tsunami. Hundreds of thousands are dying... cremated and buried without dignity or honor in mass graves and large pyres.



Families are broken, lives... loss like that. On the TV screens, bodies littered the streets, yet no one bothered to at least put them in a proper place and let their families claim the deceased. In many parts, the stench of rotting corpses and unbearable heat broods disease and insanity... no man had ever dreamed of seeing



And here we are, showing to everyone that not even the injured and dying are not spared from our greed.



It seems the world has become uncaring these days.

Life has become a worthless piece of shit.



No matter how hard we try to look up and enjoy what it has to offer, it seems that there's always a way for greed, and evil to show its ugly face and wreak havoc to those who remain optimistic and hopeful.



No wonder, the poor gets poorer, while the greedy... well there's always a karma.



If only I can play God to the lives of people...



How I wish, there's still part of the world that remains pure and sublime. Far from corruption and destruction man has showed to humanity.

Rejoice

This event needs a well-deserved post...

















Toinks has a new entry.

and someone's life became happier because of his post.















WTG Boy Kampai!

All For the Spirit

There was a time in our lives when this day means everything to us.



Not so long ago, I used to think that December is the best month of the year - Christmas caroling, Christmas tree, Christmas lights long vacations - everything seems so surreal and colorful and magical that there were nights when I would just lie under our Christmas tree and stare at the blinking Christmas lights that seemed like twinkling stars in a child's imagination.



Then, as weeks pass, the empty tree is suddenly filled with gifts. Before, the thing that I would like to recieve during Christmas is toys - whatever toys, as long as I can use it for my role-playing, and never ending epic-story, "Supermario vs the Gorgon Empire" or the "Ultraman Saga"



Haay, those were the days.



15 would come with so much fanfare and celebration. Lately na lang ako nag-stop magcelebrate ng bertdi. After that, by December 20 or 21, I'd insist on going to my aunt's home earlier to have a bonding session with my cousins. It is where we spend Christmas as one-big family. We'd usually spend the days playing sega, particularly Sonic the Hedgehog or Super Mario World in S-Nes.



Of course, Christmas means a lot of money for me - As my relative in the US would send... tons of money for us kids. Hopefully this year, I would still be eligible for those moolah, since I need to restock my bank reserves. Nyemas, my whole salary for the 15th plus the 13th month was all used up to buy gifts for everyone.



But it's ok though, seeing them surprised and amazed as they open my gifts is worth all the efforts and sacrifices in finding those presents.



And it's my 23rd Christmas on earth.



As we pack our things and prepare the gifts for tonight's celebration, I've realized that things aren't so magical as I used to believe. In fact, I failed to attend a Simbang Gabi this year since my work starts at 6 am, and I sleep at midnight. Everything may not be as sweet as it used to be, but I sincerely wish that all my loved ones and closest friends and acquaintances would celebrate their own christmas, closest to the people they cherish most.



After all, beyond the gift-giving and the noche buena, and all the parties that come with this season, the true spirit of Christmas is being with people you value most; of celebrating it the closest way it happened a millenium and 4 years ago.



Tonight, we celebrate our liberation, for the Creator has sent his Son to redeem us all.



MALIGAYANG PASKO SA INYONG LAHAT!!!

Indulgence

Imagine yourself being submerged in a lukewarm thick mud imported from... let's say, Iceland or your body enclosed in a sort of machine as jet sprays of hot and cold water bombard your heaving body while traditional indian music and chinese incense hypnotise your senses.

Put yourself in a situation where thick slobs of coconut milk is being poured into your body while some nice (and whammy) attendant massages your aching back. Stimulating the lucid nerves and blood vessels that has been worned out by overfatigue and stress.

I think I need to satisfy my body's craving. I need to indulge myself to a refreshing and soothing spa sessions soon. Looking at websites of some of the best spas in the world somehow triggered some hidden desires in me.

But seriously, I'm stressed out from everything. Physically and mentally, I feel like I am going for a retreat into isolation - A good and hot popoy would somehow fill the need, but I'm afraid that popoy would just come in January pa.

---

I bought mom a wheelchair yesterday. It's my christmas gift to her.

It took me hours of canvassing and several kilometers of walking - going all the way to Orthopedic Hospital just to find out the lowest-priced imported ones.

Truth is, I was having second thoughts the whole time I was looking for one, however the nightmares I had on the 14th still recurrs in my thoughts and the realization of promising myself of giving something to mom, only to back out at the last minute prompted me to once and for all
achieve a target. I found a small store in Bambang when I found, and bought a nice navy blue China-made wheelchair for only 2900 bucks.

---

It's the most expensive gift I gave to someone, and I'm proud that I did it for my one and only mother.

---

Finally we can have long strolls at baywalk. Perhaps, one fine afternoon, we would return to that tranquil place in Roxas boulevard, then walk along Manila Bay's banks until the sun sets on our western skies.

Psycho

Mom was correct when she said that I need to see a Psychiatrist.



Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder



Symptoms:



• large blocks of unexplained time

• persistent absence from work or school

• repetitive behavior

• constant questioning and need for reassurance

• simple tasks consistently taking longer than usual

• perpetual lateness

• increased concern over little things and details

• extreme emotional reactions to small things

• inability to sleep properly

• staying up late to get things done

• change in eating habits

• avoidance of certain things or situations

• daily life becomes a struggle



---



"Obsessions are unwanted, recurrent and unpleasant thoughts that cause anxiety. Compulsions are repetitive, ritualistic behaviors that the person feels driven to perform to decrease anxiety. The obsessive thoughts or acts of performing compulsive rituals often takes up many hours of each day.Although individuals with OCD may know that their thoughts and behaviours make no sense, they are compelled to continue them."



---



Thought those actions were quite ordinary... but lately I've realized that I've come to a point of moving towards the extremes.



Good thing my work involves research, at least the thought of understanding myself alleviated whatever feelings, or fears, or threats I am harboring these past few weeks.



At least I am now aware.

Block

I just suddenly lost the inspiration to write.

Indeed, one can loose his muse in just one fateful night.

The OUTsider's Christmas Party

It was an events organizer's nightmare but it ended up a huge success. The 2004 Christmas Party was a landmark activity for all of us. Attended by around 30 Odders and their guests, the private karaoke room of 9 pizza 7 chicken was deemed small for a very large group.



At the same time, I have finally completed the first phase of my year-ender project too, sensha na, have to leave early for some buddy obligations. Too bad, we're both tired and exhausted to go back. But I've heard that you had a blast.



Hanggang sa susunod muli. Indeed, last night's events proved that the OUTsiders are here to stay. Thanks to both the organizers, emcees and those who attended the event. Your presence is very well appreciated.



---



Congrats Arj, and thank you for listening. Told you last time that the only way to redeem yourself is to finish what you started. Di ko alam kung nag-cinderella ka rin kagaya ko. But so far, your historic hugging with Stolich made last nights event a kodak moment. How I wished someone took a picture of that moment.



Thanks rin kay Boy Kampai for documenting the whole event. Alam ko wa-poise ako the whole time the camera's focused on me, but hey, we're cool pare.



---



And to RC the Carebear, I went all the way from Rob Place Ermita to Greenhills just to secure that "scepter" phanks and I gave you. Please take care of it mahal na sapa. Fab na ang mga sapa gerls ngayon, hindi na palo-palo ang symbol ng powers ng aming reyna. Hehehe.



---



Last nights event allowed me a diversion to forget the things that bothered me this week. Ang galeng. How I wished I stayed longer, shempre with my bud with me. But we do have different functions to attend. Early morning was our only time to enjoy ourselves... privately.



Hanggang sa muling pagkikita.

Trauma Unit

It has finally taken its toll.



The picture of my mom bloodied and crying... worried and panicking in the CR, is still fresh in my mind. It still makes me very very upset and resentful.



Our bitter fight last night with Phanks about his "unreported" activities added to the confusion and sadness I am harboring. I feel like he's keeping something from me. I know that he has not crossed the line yet, but my mind, tells me that I should be wary... perhaps even distant to him.



Lately, I've been very concious about my physical appearance, my work, my attitude towards others. The trauma I had last Tuesday pushed me to the brink of being harsh with my words and frank towards others when it comes to my feelings.



Add to that the carnival that is happening to FPJ's funeral, the death of Jose De Venecia's daughter because of a fire, the uncertainty that is happening these days in the country.



I've never been so paranoid... or fearful lately. My faith, in fact has gotten into limbo.



During these times, I just want to be distant, isolated and even silent about everything. I just want to speak to myself about my feelings but whenever the flashbacks of yesterday appears on my mind, I become numb, and somehow destructive thoughts surfaces in my mind.



Perhaps, I will just let this holiday season pass. Heal my own self the best way I can, and then

when everything is over, when my committments are already in its last phase.



I'll just lull myself to sleep.

while licking the wounds that has consumed me.

Voices from the Cosmos

The Depending

by pheryx

28 Oct 2004 - 12:19pm



said it one more time,

that it turned south,

facing south,

and shied away to a place

where it would hide,

where he could hide

and see.



spoke about it again

and it killed,

which startled him,

but somehow seemed normal;

he balanced again easily,

and all the voices

said it one more time:

don't give up.

But he gave up.



muted the thoughts

that explained the math,

muted the tones

of voice

that leaked from wounds,

and dribbled down

your gutter

until you stepped in it

and your shoes were soaked;

you spoke about that once

but he didn't hear.



shy like an elegant daughter,

new like his newness

was already classic,

quiet in his place,

sordid in his soiled morals,

he hides in that place

that somehow seems normal,

and waits.



---



whoever you are, I appreciate your poem. It was after one of my entries before. found it.

and with it, I looked back from where I came from.



It's been a long journey...

.

It is said that one is in grave danger a day before his birthday.

I've been paying attention to this saying ever since it was told to me, but never did I expect that life would pay back one way or another, just to get even, or for what purpose it offers.

Twenty three would be my most painful and bitter birthday ever. I would forever remember this day, when God and life betrayed me.

---

10 pm.

As I was making my finishing touches to the gifts I wrapped for Christmas, mom decided to go to the comfort room downstairs.

I have forwarned her though that the bathroom is slippery and it might be better for her to use the bathroom upstairs. But she insisted. She said, she has to go already.

I went to my room to re-check my newly written christmas list, as the last one was lost probably from my shopping. Based from my assumptions, my time is too short for me to complete my list.

Then out of a sudden, I heard my mom scream. Then my sister and everyone downstairs started screaming. I know something happened, but I wasn't prepared for the worst.

As I descend the steps of our stairs, my sister shouted "kuya maraming dugo" Then I saw my mom crying in the CR, her head bleeding flawlessly against the whiteness of her face.

I don't know my first words were, but I started hugging her tightly. I was forcing the towel in her head to stop the bleeding, but it never did.

For the first time in my life. I saw a huge pile blood scattered all over the floor. And it was from my mom, the most special person I have in this life.

Immediately, I told the driver the start the engine of our car, as my sister called my mom's sister who is a doctor. Everything happened so fast, I couldn't even find a time to think about the things that would come out of this accident.

On our way to the hospital, I could not help but sob all my frustrations. I just entrusted my loved ones to the creator Himself in exchage for my own safety. Whenever I'd look back and see my mom shocked by what had happened, I just thought that if He abandoned me tonight, where I would run to. What would I believe in afterwards.

I was still sobbing when she was rushed to the emergency room. The whole time she was conscious and ok. However the sight of her frail and traumatized made me asked a lot of questions about life. Who would have ever thought that things so bad may happened hours before the celebration of your creation.

We were never that bad, we don't bear any karma from anyone, but why on fucking Earth must these things happen to us.

After an hour lounging in the emergency room, in the full view of every kind of traumatised patients around us, the doctor said that my mom should be x-rayed for medical reasons. On the corridor, as she waited for her turn to be x-rayed she apologized to me for the things that had happened.

By this time, I was already crying as I summed up every bitterness I had this past year. Twenty wasn't that good to me. In fact, it catapulted me into a life I never have dreamed of... living.

I was looking for a way out, searching for a stick of cigarette just to flush the painful thoughts out. But no matter how I try, it just never leave. It lingers on, reminding myself that there will never be peace and security in this lifetime. That life perhaps taught me to forever be worrisome of the future.

My tita came, and with her arrival, things started to ease up a little. They performed a minor surgery to stitch up my mom's cut on her forhead. 11:55, the operation was complete. We were immediately discharged and my aunt shouldered all the medical bills.

The whole time, my dad wasn't there for us. Indeed, we are now alone.

By 12:15, we reached home. Immediately, I tried to flush out all the remaining bloodstains in the CR and in my mom's crutches. I told my department head that I might be absent today.

---

As I tried to weave the things that happened this evening. I felt a sense of emptiness emanating from my heart. Tears roll down my face, as the thought of my mom crying in the CR, blood covering her face and body, me clutching her tightly as we rushed her outside the house and towards the car. My birthday coming in just several hours.

Life was still kind to give my mom a little bit of respite as she was pronounce ok and stable. But its wound would forever be embedded in my thoughts - cursing the day I was born.

Perhaps I wouldn't celebrate birthdays next time. In fact I would love to despise my own
birthday.

I am now 23, and life reeked its first pulse of bad blood upon me.

Ceasefire

My bud and I had constant fights for the last three days.



I won't put into details what happened, but it was a nasty fight. In fact, it did summed up to a grand walkout last night after we went to shopping. I thought it would be the end - in my heart, I know how bitter and enraged I felt. But for some reasons, I just can't let go.



I can't simply pull the plug and say goodbye.



---



Because at some point, I've realized that I was expecting too much.



Probably because I am already giving too much.



If I would like this relationship to go on, I have to overlook some little things that I easily gets me upset about.



Or would I have to care less, so that I won't expect more...



---



Last year, exactly the same season, we had a big fight.



It was a month-whole relentless bickerings, and I thought we would end on the first week of December. However, we have found a way to patch things up and held on till today.



Hopefully we can do those things again. Probably, I'd lessen my pressures for him to change the way I wanted to.



And never listen to parekoy's sexual misadventures. I swear, when I'm around that guy, I feel like I'm single like him.



---



However my state of relationship



made me think, why do a lot of people

seek relationships when in fact, serious relationships are one of the most

complicated things in the world.



Especially a set-up such as ours?



I think a lot of those who seek, just want to know how it feels like - but when things become

more complex than they can handle, they'd immediately pack up and start all over again after

several months or even years of break up.



It's like a vicious cycle. A beginning with no sure end.



That's why it makes me think sometimes if "settling down" with Phanks is a little bit early for my age. I know some 30 years old who still flirts like they are just 21. And I still have to personally meet a PLU who has survived a relationship longer than 3 years. For me to believe that spending a lifetime with another guy could be a possibility.



Sometimes, it just worries me that we're as routine as everybody else. I know we've gone this far, we have survived long enough to be included in the hall-of-famers,



but in reality, I just don't know if how long we would be together. I've seen too many breakups and betrayals for me to believe.



---



So far, the closest miracle I've seen in this kind of life is those of Papu's.



For the longest time since I became a complete PLU, I never saw his relationship with Joey falter.



In fact, he remains the sort of guy, most PLUs would look up to and follow. Or probably, we just don't know him that well that's why those who knows him respect him like a father... we never had.



Well let's see. As long as I know that he's the role model I'd be proud to follow, I'd never be lost.



I'd always see the light.



---



Imagine, I've been talking about boys again, after spending the last few post dedicated to my ex.



Pero if we never broke up before, I wouldn't become the person I am today. Somehow, our single journey triggered the curious side of me.



I swear, I did love women before. In fact, phanks sometimes complain that I treat him like one.



But what if things like the discovery of PEx, or complete disillussionment with my dad, or my first trip to a cruising bar never happened. What if I remained the guy I used to be.



Probably right now, I still don't know how to attract partners...



Perhaps I'd still feel an awe listening to a straight guy "who's been there and fucked a lot of..."



I think I'd never have the confidence I have today.



Sometimes, it makes me wonder what if things developed far more different from today? Would my life be happier?

Three-Pronged Attack

Monday morning.



Feels like 3 mighty forces are converging to stab me - at my heart, mind and spirit.



smells like fresh human shit..

Reclamation

Your friendster connection proves that at least, ex-lovers can be friends. Yeah, it is the first time I embraced that possibility.



Your presence would always remind me that...



Bilog ang Mundo.



If Marvin did it, so can I...









and hopefully one day, I can at least fill up my shortcomings to you, in one way or another.

For Her

"Advance Happy Bday! I wish you all the best and would like to thank you sa lahat. A couple of years ago, I wasn't ready to face you yet, pero ngayon, I know in my heart that I have forgiven you for whatever it was. Basta salamat sa lahat, especially for being part of my journey. I wish you all the best especially your family, your mom. God bless you!Muli, salamat!;)"



---



Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa rin alam kung bakit ganun ang naging treatment ko sayo. Di ko alam kung bakit hinayaan kong matapos tayo ng ganun noon. Dahil ba, hindi ko pinaghirapan ang pakikipagrelasyon ko sayo? Dahil ba iba ang mahal ko noon at sadyang dumating ka na lang ng hindi ko inaasahan?



Dalawang taon na rin ang lumipas, at ang pagtatapos natin ang naging daan sakin para humanap ng bagong daan na pwede tahakin. Sadya atang tama ang sinabi ko sayo noon na ikaw ang magiging una't huli. Ganun nga ang nangyari - nakita ko na lang ang sarili ko na umaatras pabalik upang harapin ang mga bagay na gumugulo na sakin hindi ka pa man dumarating.



Sa loob ng katahimikan, sadyang sinigurado ng buhay na makakabawi ka. Mukhang nasa iyo ang tadhana nang ibaling sakin ng sumunod sayo ang lahat ng pagkukulang at pagkakamali ko sayo.



Siya ang nagturo sakin upang magpahalaga sa relasyon. Sa kanya ko binayaran lahat ng utang ko sayo...



---



Habang binabasa ko ang iyong mensahe, para bang biglang nagkaroon ng patlang sa puso ko. Aaminin ko, maraming beses pa rin kita naiisip... ngunit sa tuwing sasagi ikaw sakin, nauuwi ang lahat na ako ay nagsisisi.



Dalawa na rin ang dumaan sa buhay ko pagkatapos mo. Pero sayo ko lang naramdaman ang effort upang ipaglaban ang relasyon natin. Ikaw ang sumasalamin sa aking ina ngayon... na pilit kong sinusundan, ngayong kinalimutan ko na kung paano magkaroon ng isang ama.



Dahil mahina pa ako noon.

dahil balewala pa sa akin ang lahat.



Sa pagpapatawad mo, palagay ko masasarado ko na ang puwang na naiwan sa pagitan nating dalawa. Siguro eto na ang pagtatapos ng aking pagsisisi, sapagkat masasabi ko na sayo ang mga bagay na natutunan ko dahil sayo.



---



Madalas, tingin ko sayo noon, immature ka para sa akin

pero ngayon ko narealize, higit na immature ako para sa iyo.









Salamat at pinatawad mo na ako...

In the Year of Silence (Best Of G-Blogs Part Two)

Having a bonding with a straight friend relieves me of thinking about homosexuality from time to time. But too much distance makes me feel lost, thanks to my friends, when we call a contingent, thinks return to the way it is.



Bonding with my grandmother allows me to peek into a future where my mom would be in her position. It's like the training ground for the things to come very soon, while I find a space to tolerate my sister's activies,

the way she somehow tolerates mine.



These are the next four entries from the two months, phankspace was silent.



---



Postcripts from the Night Out.

Saturday, 18 September 2004 3:24 AM



Half drunk, the surprise BNO was actually a blast. It was eons ago when I last stepped inside a club. Tonight, we've almost did bar hopping if time would only allowed us.



You see, Ace was my best bud back in college. We were part of a might group composed of young, creative and idealist group of men known as the Prestigious Group of Companies (PGC).



However, time would eventually separate us apart, and these kind of surpise visits are the ones that we could only cherish from now on, especially now that we have our own seperate lives.



So Ace and I decided to hang around Timog. It was his treat after all, and the taxi driver recommended that we check out Padi's.



We arrived as they were just starting to play hiphop music. 2 bottles of beer became our companion during our stay there.



After that, we went to Mister Kebab's and had our fill of their mouth watering and extremely heavy pita bread sandwich.



Our last stop was an obscure bar somewhere in West Avenue. He was insisting that we go to a girl bar instead, but mama and I will attend some activity this morning so I have to go home early and recuperate from intoxication.



It was a great bonding experience, especially now that we are out of college and are trying to draw our images amongst the stars. We talked about how our life fared this past two years and where we are heading. We shared a lot of common sentiments being the eldest in our families, and how we would like to see our own mothers sometime in the future.



Career was our focal point, and that he had also encountered before, how he was humbled by his jobhunting experience.



At the end, we've realized how great it is to be bachelors. Actually, I never enjoyed such night out like this, especially because I was used to joining parties with different kinds of people. I hope that there would be a bigger next time to party.



I hope that we could tag along the entire PGC to join such night outs. It was a huge turn around from what I am used to. I thought before that our friendship was over, when we're about to part ways during graduation.

For the first time since we left PICC that afternoon, I've realized that our common threads still remain and that someday, somehow our lives would be once be intertwined again.



For



Ace

Leslie

Darrell

Omar

and Angelo.



PGC remains mga parekoy!!!





===





Bonding With Lola

Tuesday, 14 September 2004 12:50 AM



My aunt's secretary was late for an hour, that's why when we arrived at the Nuclear Medicine Lab, there were already a lot of patients ahead of us.



I think Cardinal Santos specializes on these kind of diagnosis.



After all, it was my mom's sister, who is a doctor who recommended that my Lola should be checked up there.For two hours prior to her check up, I endured my lola's monologues about her life - my mom said that old people are prone to telling their life stories, just like I often do here, except that my audience has an option to read my entries or bypass me completely.



Anyway, it all started last saturday. My mom told me that my lola would be brought to the hospital today for a check-up. The problem is everyone of them has work and the only person who would accompany her mom was the katulong.



So I volunteered to join them. I spent the whole sunday dawn cleaning my room. I slept at 6 am and woke up an hour after lunch. A friend came and hanged around my place and just before dusk, my aunt asked me to stay over their place... so that she could explain the instructions I have to do prior to my lola's check-up.



---



Past nine this morning and the med techs began to put swero into my lola's fragile hands. Truth is, I cannot bear to see my lola being pieced by huge needles. I had one myself though before, and I know how painful it could be.



As the doctor told my lola that she'd be taking up "radioactive" medicines several times, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. It's like, she's been taking a cocktail of medicines everyday and now, her body would have to take in a more potent and stronger compound.



---



Sitting by the lounge area, I felt that my lola was quite disturbed. I asked her if she had a problem and for the first time, she admitted that she's nervous about the procedure. The first time she'd ever been.



Smiling, I told her that I had to endure even more, when I was hospitalized several years ago. I did exaggerate a bit, but my point is, I tried to make an impression that everything would be ok.



That there's someone beside her that knows what to do in case there's something wrong.



Then she was called. But before she went to the diagnosis machine, she went to pee, so I asked our yaya to accompany her.



While waiting for her to come out, I fell asleep.



---



I passed out during the first two sessions. But I know, everything goes according to what my aunt said.



---



I had a light sleep, but it took me two hours before I finally got a hold of myself. It was already breaktime so everyone's waiting for the techs to finish their lunch.



I found my lola shivering from the cold. So I asked one of the med techs if they have a spare blanket around. Fortunately they have one, and wrapped it around my poor lola.



She was laughing because among all the old folks in the lounge area, she was the only one who had blanket. After all, initiative pays big time if you have the guts to ask something. I felt relieved when she stopped shivering and became comfortable in her wheelchair.



---



The whole day was like a bonding session for the two of us. I see my lola every other week when we visit my aunts place but I often pay attention to other details than to her.



I have to admit, that I'm not very close to her and oftentimes, I get tired of her endless monologuous reminiscing. But today, it was different.



It's like showing something I never showed her before. It's like seeing myself doing the same thing to my mom sometime in the future. I know, it's bound to happen and that this is a taste of what may come... It's a sad, lonely reality but as my mom said before I left two evenings ago,



Having someone close to your heart during such situations really makes a huge difference.



---



I immediately left after I brought her home. To my astonishment, she gave me a five hundred bucks which I reluctantly accepted.



I told myself before that the only thing I'd get from this volunteering would be goodwill from my aunt - but I went home with so much more.



---



Marahil hindi na siguro matatanong sa akin kung ano ang detalye ng nangyari sa check-up ng lola ko. Hindi ko na rin siguro makwekwento na nakatanggap ako ng limandaan sa kanya - na iniiwasan ko sana tanggapin dahil hindi naman pera ang usapan dito. Umuwi akong mas naging close sa lola ko - higit pa siguro sa mga pinsan kong nakatira doon. Isa itong napaka-personal na experience na hindi matutumbasan ninuman.



Nakita ko ang sarili ko pagtanda - bilang panganay, palagay ko, ako rin ang sasama sa nanay ko kapag siya naman ang nagpacheck-up na. Ayaw ko man isipin pero habang tumatakbo ang mga buwan, lalo kong naiisip na tumatanda na ako... Ang 22 ay bata pa sa marami - pero para sakin, pabigat na ng pabigat ang lahat.



Habang papalabas ang sasakyang naghatid samin sa bahay ng kapatid ni mama, nakita kong lumabas ang lola ko para mag-goodbye. Sabi ng driver, normal na lumalabas siya upang personal na makita kaming paalis at ipagdasal ang aming mapayapang paglalakbay pauwi.



Bumaba ako ng sasakyan, at sa pangalawang pagkakataon, humalik muli ako sa kanyang pisngi. Sa kanyang pagsasabi ng "Thank You." Sa unang pagkakataong narinig ko siyang sinabi yun sa akin, ayokong isipin ang oras dahil alam kong sandali na lamang ito.



Ang mahalaga, naparamdam ko na kung gaano ko siya kamahal.





===





Kwentong Odderspace

Saturday, 11 September 2004 4:51 AM



"Nagsimula ang Odders nung paalis na si James ng MH, samantalang kayo naman ni Marvin eh pajoin pa lang ng MS. Kami ni Roy, nagsusumiksik sa Fluids. Officially nagsimula tayo nung magpatawag ng GEB si Jaime sa Megamall, malas lang niya, di niya ininvite si Omeng... tuloy nabuo tayo."



---



It will be one week before we celebrate our first year anniversary as a group. Who would've ever thought we would come to this point and still be proud to claim that we're more bonded now, than we first decided to form our own group apart from the org we left.



We visited a friend's pad this morning. I called a contingent last night because I can't let the week pass without seeing the guys. Kasalanan ko ba, namiss ko sila eh.



I texted James if he's game to go out tonight. Kapatid wants to go out too and we've agreed to meet up in his pad. While in the bus, I texted everyone that there's a meet up tonight. However my text came too late, only Brian confirmed that he is coming.



Bri, who recently suffered a break-up is noticeably present these past few weeks. I know, we're the only ones who could be his distraction. We hope that this constant meet ups would prove helpful for his immediate recovery.



---



We went to this middle-eastern restaurant a few blocks away from James' pad. We indulged ourselves with Mediterranean cuisine as they shared a bucketfuls of beer between the three of them.



As usual, we updated ourselves with each other's lives, and also the lives of our tropa and shared juicy and funny stories we have gathered after the last time we called such contingent.



We've been like this for the last two years we found ourselves. Iba talaga kapag digs mo ang mga taong kaharap mo.



Iba ang feeling kapag may mga taong handang umunawa at makiisa sayo.



---



With James sleepy from the beer he consumed, the remaining three of us decided to check out Sonny's new apartment.



We found out this evening through one of our tropa that he's sick so we decided to pay him a visit.



From 1 am till the wee hours of the morning, the conversations we had at the restaurant were jumpstarted again by our hosts.Kwento dito, balitaan dun... Sentihan dito, tawanan doon. That's what we've done while there in the apartment. It's so good to cherish the good times we had, and remember the people who became part of our lives.



It's so heartwarming to see the people you want to be part of your life till you grow old and forgotten.



Habang nakikita ko sila, gusto kong isipin na andun pa rin sila hanggang sa tumanda kami at mapag-isa sa buhay. How'd I wished we could spend more time to look back at our beginnings and retell the stories and experiences we had during the best days of our lives.



---



Umuwi ako nang may halong pag-alala sa mga taong kasama ko. Pagdating ko sa bahay, nasigurado ko na nakaawi sila ng maayos at patulog na.



Next week, isang taon na ang aming barkadahan. We'd probably shock Quatro with our numbers. Of course, madaming pupunta. This is an official and important milestone of our group.---But only time will tell what future holds for all of us. In fact, I really don't know if they share the same feeling, the way I have for them.



Probably, they do... even if they are not vocal about it.



Even if they not show it. Whenever they close their eyes and want to remember our best days. Whenever they feel down and need some support from us. Whenever our laughter reverberates inside their mind.



Whenever they remember.



They would make their presence felt.





===





Tibak

Thursday, 9 September 2004 11:54 PM



"Anong year na siya sa college?"

"Hindi na siya nag-aaral... full time na siya."



---



Nabigla ako nung sinabi sakin to ng kapatid ko habang tinatanong ko sa kanya yung mga bisita niya kanina dito sa bahay.



Simula nitong school year, naging active ang kapatid ko sa mga "pressure groups," yung tinatawag ba nilang mga aktibista.



Palibhasa kasi, nag-aaral sa UP kaya hayun nahawa. Sa totoo, medyo ilag ako sa mga ganung klaseng estudyante. Nung panahong nasa college ako eh pinagtatawanan ko lang yung mga ginagawa nila, dahil alam kong marami ang nasisira ang buhay dahil sa ganitong mga grupo.



Sila yung tipong naririnig mo na lang na puro Opresyon at Rebolusyon ang lumalabas sa bibig. Sila yung tipong maawa ka na maiinis ka dahil hindi mo lubos maisip na bakit nila kelangang ipaglaban ang iba, samantalang sila mismo eh hindi nila kayang ayusin ang buhay nila.



Sa totoo. Natatakot ako para sa kapatid ko. Aaminin ko na hindi ko siya lubos na kilala para matiyak kung ano ba ang priority niya ngayon sa buhay. Hindi ko alam kung matatapos ba ang taong ito na tutungtong siya sa 3rd year o hindi...



---



Pero mahal ko ang utol ko. Alam kong dito siya masaya at dito niya nakikita ang sarili niya.



Laki rin naman ako sa pamilyang aktibista kaya kahit paano, alam ng nanay ko ang kanyang gagawin. Marami rin siyang koneksyon sa mga dating tiga underground na nagbagong buhay at ngayo'y mga pinuno na ng mga NGOs kaya marami siyang mahihingan ng tulong kapag sumobra pa ang utol ko.



Ilang linggo na rin siyang gabi na umuuwi. Sumasama daw sa picket line malapit sa amin. Ok lang naman, dito lang naman sa malapit eh.



Pero ang hindi ko pa rin maunawaan ay bakit? Ano ang silbi ng pakikipaglaban sa isang sistemang araw araw ka nang kinakain?



Tama si Mama, wala akong karapatang magtanong kung sarado rin naman ang isip ko para unawain ang pagiging Tibak. Pero hindi ko maunawaan bakit may takot ako sa dibdib ko? Bakit ang pangit pangit ng imahe sa akin ng isang aktibista.



Ito ba'y dahil takot akong malulon ang kapatid ko sa pagiging ganun at mapabayaan ang pag-aaral niya?



O biktima rin ako ng maling propaganda tungkol sa kanila?



Kasi kung opresyon lang ang pag-uusapan, aba'y araw-araw akong nakakakita ng ganyan. Masyado nang manhid ang utak ko para pa magpaapekto. Minsan, mas ok pang mag-bulagbulagan kesa lumaban na sa huli ikaw rin ang talo.



Sana nauunawaan ni Ederic ang sinasabi ko. Ramdam ko na galing siya doon at alam niya ang mga sagot sa katanungan ko.



---



Sa ngayon, heto ako't magbubulag-bulagan. Lalamunin ko ang takot ko at yayakapin ko ang sitwasyon ng may bukas na mga mata ngunit patuloy kong isasara ang aking isipan.



Para sa akin, tapos na ang panahon ng pag-aaklas. Ito na ang panahon para humanap ng ikabubuhay.



Dalangin ko lang na maapula ng maaga ang apoy na nagpapatakbo sa ideolohiya ng utol ko. Alam kong sa bandang huli, mananaig pa rin sa kanya ang kanyang obligasyon na makatapos ng maaga.



Nawa'y dalawang taon lang sana ako mag-iintay...



Hindi ko kaya magpatakbo ng bahay mag-isa. Ang laban ay nandito sa bahay - ang laban upang tumakbo ang aming pamilya ng kaming tatlo lang.



Marealize niya sana ito ng maaga...



basta ako, suporta na lang sa kanya.

Gift-Giving

It's an age old tradition that is nearly impossible to break.



I started my December by preparing my Christmas list for this year. As usual, the bigger my circle for the year, the more people are included in my list. I could not really remember when this activity all started, I just realized that I've been doing it every year, starting with my cousins, then including my aunts, my closest friends and now even the entire circle where I revolved in.



Though I do remember the first time I gave a gift to someone. It was to my mom. Tanda ko nun, my ninang gave me a hundred pesos after I spent an entire weekend in their place. Pagdating ko sa bahay, I immediately went to Mercury Drug, to buy a small stufftoy for my mom. And that was around, I think grade three.



In the years that followed, I kept on giving gifts to my mom every Christmas. Until during high school, I then started giving gifts too to my cousins - You know, those plastic toys you'd buy in a palengke or stores besides schools. And they appreciated it. In fact, winner nga ako pagdating sa bigayan eh.



However there were times when they compared my gifts to those from my richest cousin. I admit though, that he saved for it, and the gifts were really expensive for his age, which is 4 years younger than me then. However, I pursued my habit of giving gifts during Christmas until it culminated last year, when I gave gifts for more than 100 people. No stir yun! I really did and I bargained hard in Divisoria and Greenhills just to achieve that.



Kasi naman, I also acted as second in control in the family business, my dad thinks that giving gifts during Christmas is bullshit, so to show our appreciation for all their sacrifices and efforts for the company, I personally distributed the gifts to them during our last day of business operations. And I did emphasized that it came from me, my mom and my sister. Sorry na lang kay papa, hindi siya kasama samen.



---



So anyway, I assaulted Greenhills this afternoon.



As usual, the tiangges filled up every available space on the ground.



If there's such a term as a closet-shopaholic, I think I am one of those people who are like that. I love shopping and buying stuffs - just to give to people close to me such as pasalubong - or this time, gifts. But my shopping itch usually attacks periodically. Expect me that after the holiday season, balik na naman ako sa pagiging makunat ko. That's how I save my money - I don't spend much even for myself.



In fact, I avoided accompanying my mom in a store especially during the money-saving months because I can't help but give her moolah when she goes shopping - especially now that my world is centered around her. Whenever I see her fulfilled after buying a cartloads of home and kitchen appliances - only to keep and give during the holiday season, I feel a sense of pride and completeness in me.



At least, I could pay back just a little for all the efforts and sacrifices and the love she continues to give to me.



---



So back to Greenhills, I found myself bargaining again. Tangina, ang laki laki kong tao at nakikipag-baratan ako sa mga tindera dun. In fact, I think people who saw me bargaining felt awkward. Especially since I had two big shopping bags on my other hand as I sort out stalls from one end to the other. Ayaw kasi sumama ni Phanks eh, but it's ok though para wala akong iisipin sa shopping ko. Besides, he's not part of my budget, magrereklamo lang yun na nagugutom at inaantok na siya.



---



And I do enjoy doing my business alone.



---



So far, I am 65% complete - as long as I won't add more people in my list. My budget would cost me around 15 days worth of my entire combined salary but I'm trying to lower it down to a quarter, just in case.



Whenever I show to my mom the things that I've bought, she'd always tell me that I'm really good at choosing gifts for people. Minsan magugulat pa siya when I tell her that I've bought those for-conyo things at a very affordable price. However, when I complained about how expensive my budget is for the season, she'd asked me why I give gifts to people which are not really close to me.



And yeah I'd ask those things sometimes too... but I know the answers already. Gift-giving builds strong friendships and unbreakable connections. It's what rich people do to expand their networks, but as for me just plain goodwill would count.



and at the same time, the fulfillment is really... breathtaking, especially the thought that you bought those gifts in different and most fascinating of places. Bah! It's really so astig if you'd ask me.



Last year, my target was 100. Definitely it costed a lot of money. But at the end, I've realized that I didn't spend that much for those people. Unexplainable as it is, but I think I earned more afterwards...



Indeed, if giving would makes you a lot more richer

then I think my gift-giving tradition made me a rich kid throughout these years.

Between Dreams and Reality

That was a fucking good post, only to be erased after blog failed to publish it. Oh well, I think it's not meant to be read by anyone.



It was reserved just for me

Forces of Discrimination

Indeed, no matter how we percieve our society being "open" and "tolerant" to PLUs nowadays, in reality it doesn't really happen that way.



---



Phanks was extremely upset today - to the point that he even shunned me till this moment after his officemates put him again on the spotlight by asking my bud the truth about us. Being a PLU-in-denial, he ended up raging mad at them after they made fun and harrassed him the whole lunchbreak because of his alleged "preference."



Nag-half day lang siya at sobrang galit na umuwi, hindi ko alam kung papasok siya bukas sa trabaho. Hindi ko alam, kung kailan niya ako muli kakausapin.



---



While at Divisoria this afternoon shopping for my Christmas gifts, a commotion suddenly erupted after scores of kargadors and helpers (which included married and old women) howled at a passing entourage of trannies. (transvestites). Animo'y parang nakakita ng artista ang mga tindero't tindera't naghiyawan at nagtilian habang rumarampa ang ating mga bida.



What made me feel sorry about those poor girlies was that some of the bystanders which comprises of mostly young and attractive looking men began harrassing them - by denying them access to several stores, and cussing up words in front of them.



At the back of my mind, my thoughts were "kung alam ko lang, malibugan lang kayo tsutsupain niyo rin yung mga ka-kosa niyo sa warehouse eh." Observing those poor trannies, I cannot help but sympathize with them - trying to be gay and proud despite an entire stretch of street screaming and making fun of them was no mean feat. Sabagay, it was their mistake too. Rumampa ba naman sila ng sobrang ikli ng shorts as in almost like a pekpek shorts, fitted na baby tee at maglagay ng condom na nilagyan ng mainit na tubig para maging boobs, ewan ko lang kung hindi talaga pagtulungan sila ng tao.



And yeah, sometimes, I still wonder why some of my breathren tries to act like women when in fact, the real score in attracting some of the best boys in town is by acting more masculine than most straight guys?



Kasi, during my time - the most marketable among the crowd inside a crusing bar were those who act more masculine than everyone. It's like a gay magnet being there and acting like a straight guy.



But as they say, Bilog nga naman ang mundo. Kanya kanya trip lang yan - look at Pao (Toinks), and his unbelievable preference and you'll know what I mean.



---



But I think in both scenarios, the people were unfair.



On the part of my bud, I could have defended him in that moment by cursing up his girl officemates after what they have done to my pangga. I could insult them like what Rommel and Janssen did in an LRT before.



But I know that such actions would lead to more complicated scenarios, that's why I restrained myself.



With that I think bigoted straight folks are the most pathetic people ever existed. They feared what they don't understand, they dissed any efforts to control whatever evolution is taking place within Humanity they proclaim themselves as vanguards of morality against us, but look at their very actions and you'll find out that most of them are a hundred times more immoral than the most immoral among us.



---



And as for the girlie boys, I think they knew the consequence of their actions - and it all goes too to those who take advantage of straight men, like the Army officer who forced his cadets to have sex with him.



Society had always casted us in a bad light.



---



The reason why half of the entire PLU population remains in the closet is because of our own actions.



It is those actions that pull us even deeper into the pit. While some lobbying groups tries to protect our rights and welfare. There would always be a time for everything, and it could be done or achieved freely, if we know how to wait.



But most of us never learns their lessons.



Trust me, somewhere at this very moment, two straight curious (read: masculine) boys are slowly discovering their true identity - by doing it on their own.



If they found out early on that such actions are deemed unacceptable in this society, if they never got the chance to meet the right people who shares the same sentiments and preferences with them - the gift, as Paulie my exVP said would eventually go to waste.



Either they would keep those things forgotten because of discrimination,



or they would remain for a time.



Hiding among the shadows.

In the Year of Silence (Best Of G-Blogs Part One)

It was the final weeks of my jobhunting stint in Makati and Ortigas. Looking for a job really did humbled me, in this last four entries before October, my entries spoke of optimism after a long and painful bouts with loss of confidence.



It was also a time when I've finally learned that sometimes, its better to do things at a moment rather than leaving them for tomorrow... Because sometimes, tomorrow may not be there to give us another chance.



Before that chapter finally closes, I just want to put the best and most memorable G-blogs entries here. In two months of absence... in G-blogs... I did breathe life.



===





A Brief Moment of Optimism

Friday, 1 October 2004 12:26 AM



"Ang bango ng simoy ng hangin... Paskong pasko na nga!!!"



---



I was repeatedly telling this to phanks this evening. It was about the smell of cold crisp air which reminded me of late night christmas shopping and mall hopping till it closes.



You see, before, I would try to shield my thoughts of the holidays. I know, it would be a big pain in the ass since I'd be considering too many things before I go shopping.



The Christmas holidays is the only time I splurge without thinking of savings. I'd always held on to my belief that it's better to give than to recieve.Wala lang, it seems like optimism was in the air this evening. For the first time in recent months, I was completely free to think about buying things for my mom or go to supermarket for groceries. I was dreaming of treating again my sister and my mom to a homey restaurant, since dad rarely treated us to those places - even when money was literally coming to him from every corner.



Perhaps this is because of the anticipated liberty I will get from having a job... I know, its too early to speculate, but the thoughts of having that extra income, would be a great relief to my mom's weekly budget.



Sana makarecover muna ako bago ako batuhan ng bagong pagsubok ng Diyos. Gusto ko lang maenjoy itong mga sandaling ito... alam ko namang ang problema ay nasa tabi tabi lang. Just this once. I want everything to remain constant. Let change happen at the start of the new year.





===





At The End of the Line

Wednesday, 29 September 2004 10:09 PM



It was several days before August when I silently left EPAC for another world.



And it took me two months before I found myself again in this kind of scenario...



Who would ever forget the time, when I would get excited every sunday coz its time for me to buy those two big newspapers to look for available jobs.



And who would ever forget the countless times my application had been rejected, the thoughts of being a grand looser at a time when everyone's at the height of their career, the unbearable late mornings and early afternoons walking along Makati streets entering buildings, hoping that my resume would take the place of an effective emissary.



Indeed, jobhunting humbled me. Two years ago, I was completely secured with my job. Four months ago, I was part of the highest echelon of my dad's own empire. My thoughts were I would one day inherit it. Why look outside when everythings completely assured...



Until the day I've realized that everything can crumble.And it did. Less than a week after I declared that we have completely recovered.



---



This journey would probably one of the most painful and unsecuring I've ever had so far. It opened up a lot of new pespectives for me in understanding a portion of life, I would never see several years ago. Indeed, this endeavor taught me to respect jobhunters out there. Remembering all their stories, their friendship and saying goodbyes to them after a brief moment of acquaintance, never to see again tells how brief and fleeting life could be.



As if everything is just a passing moment.



---



This afternoon, our helper woke me up because of a phonecall. It was from the last company I tried to sell myself to.



After two weeks of nerve wrecking waiting. After rethinking of how my life would change if ever I'll be hired or dumped again.



After sending a prayer request to Santa Clara for this to happen.



On October 4, Monday. The day has finally arrived.



I am set for training.



My journey ends here.





===





Halaman

Saturday, 25 September 2004 3:57 AM



alas kwatro na...



pero hindi pa rin ako nilulubayan ng aking sariling guilt feelings.



sa totoo, wala naman akong kasalanan dun eh, pero kung sinipag sana akong pumunta, hindi mangyayari yun. kung sana nagkaroon ako ng tyaga magtren papunta roon, normal pa rin ang lahat para sa kanya.



nagtext si mama sakin ngayon hapon, sabi niya dinala daw sa ospital ang lola ko dahil nadapa at malaki ang tama sa kanyang mata.



dun pa lang, parang sumabog na ang dibdib ko sa pagsisisi. hindi dapat nangyari yun kung nandun ako kanina.



plano ko kasi bumisita sa lola ko ngayong araw since may pinapabili rin silang pito-pito tea sakin kay ernie baron. balak ko rin ibigay sa kanya yung halaman na gustong gusto niya nung bumisita siya sakin. binili ko yun sa tagaytay at matagal ko nang hinahanap yung halamang yun.



kaninang umaga, tumawag si lola dito sa bahay para ipatanong sa akin kung magkano ba yung pito-pito na yun. hindi na ako nagcall-back dahil alam ko namang bibisita ako.pero sa kasamaang palad, nailock nila mama yung pinto sa kwarto nila bago siya umalis. low bat na ako't kelangan ko magcharge ng phone. iniintay ko sana yung driver namin para ipa-charge yung cell ko sa kotse at sa kakaintay, nakatulugan ko ito.



lumipas ang buong araw at walang nangyari sa akin. tambay lang sa kwarto, laro ng sims at homeworld2 at humilata sa kama na animo'y stuff toy na pangdisplay lang.



hanggang sa nangyari ang dapat hindi mangyari...



---



dumating kaming namumugto pa ang mata ng tita ko. nakita ko si lola, na sinusubuan nila. kung titingnan, parang wala namang nangyari sa kanya. walang dextrose o kahit anong aparato na magpapakita na naka-confine siya, except sa black eye malapit sa kanang mata.



matagal nang nabulag yung kaliwa niyang mata dahil sa katandaan. malabo na rin ang paningin ng kanang mata niya dahil dito. dapat sana ooperahan siya para matanggal ang blood clot sa eyeball niya pero dahil matindi ang rekomendasyon ng mga espesyalista na hindi siya pwede operahan at lagyan ng anesthesia dahil maaring hindi na siya magising pagkatapos.



nagdesisyon kami na hayaan na lang na maging ganun ang kalagayan ng natitira pa niyang mata



na hindi na maaring makakita pa.



kung sana nakapunta ako kaninang tanghali at nadala ko yung halamang gustong gusto niya, maaring ngayon ok pa rin siya.



pero dahil sa aksidenteng ito, maaring sa buong buhay naming ito...



hindi na niya maeenjoy yung halaman na yun.hindi na niya maaring makita ang kagandahan ng mundo.



bulag na siya.





===





Miniminiminimo

Monday, 20 September 2004 3:24 PM



"I'm here at Makati again looking for work. Honestly, i'm a little bit enthusiastic of hitting the spot this week. I don't want to be hopeful because once I fail, I get frustrated. I pray that I'll find one soon. I hope it would be the one I am searching for."



- Unpublished blog entry: September 20, 2004: 1:22 pm.



---



After returning the interview guidelines phamplet to People 4 People, I asked one of their recruiters about my status in HSBC.



She said I passed. That I did make it in the final interview and they are already processing my application. I might recieve a call this week.



It was the biggest surprise of my life, especially now that I have already dumped the idea of working in a call center. However, I'm not that excited anymore. Probably the call center fever had already wore me down and that, I am just expecting the first job offer that land on my feet.



This morning, I applied as a researcher for an IT company. They are looking for a journalism graduate, and I'm confident that my resume would fit in to their requirements.



The exam was quite difficult, but since I am trained for words, I think I did well in the exam despite its difficulty. Like all companies do, they'd call me sometime this week if ever I passed the exam. I am confident that I did, but I'm holding all my hopes.



---



Anyway, with those options in my hand, I decided to forego my application in another agency. Based from a regrettable experience, once I get swamped by offers, I tend to wait for the best one. However, sometimes the best is not meant for me so I went home empty handed.



This time, I'd take the first company who will give me an offer. I want to broaden my options, but for the sake of not committing the same mistake again, I'll limit my options to around 4 openings this week.



---



Besides, I've already bought my sims2 pc game and I'm already hooked up with it.

Near Miss

The last time I allowed anyone to see my crying was during my lolo's funeral. After that, I kept all the pain ang suffering within.



Last night, I told myself that I will be strong, I will never falter in front of you. I'd stick in to the thought that there will always be life beyond you.



But I was wrong, my strength is just skin deep.



After two years, I allowed myself to be seen by someone crying.



I cried because of you.

and I made sure you will see it.



---

Sorta Ghost Story

Nung una pa lang, sinabi na sa akin ang mga kababalaghan na nangyayari dun.



Isang beses ko na rin nasubukan balutan ang sarili ko ng Tower of Light, yung imaginary na asul na liwanag, na sabi nila eh proteksyon mo sa mga bagay na hindi mo nakikita matapos umidlip sa conference room isang sabado, habang nagbrebreak ang mga kasama ko.



Hapon yun, walang pasok ang mga tao sa department maliban sa amin. Sa pagidlip ko, rinig ko ang ingay ng pagkarami-raming tao sa labas. Animo'y buhay ang buong opisina ngunit sa totoo, ako lang ang tao.



Ilang beses na rin akong namalikmata. Ang pinaka-unforgettable doon ay noong kapapasok ko pa lang ng opisina isang umaga ng biglang parang may nakita akong taong nakaupo sa silya ng group head namin. Split second lang ang apparition na yun pero hanggang ngayon, tandang tanda ko ang mga pangyayari.



Maraming beses ko nang isinawalang bahala ang lahat, ngunit di makakaila ng isip ko ang aking mga nakita; ang dumaang nilalang sa likod na nakita ko sa reflection ng screen ng PC ko, na sa panahong yun eh dalawa lang kami ng supervisor ko sa loob ng kwarto - siya ay nakaupo at nagsesend ng email dun sa malayo at walang kamalay-malay sa nakita ko. Di miminsang ring nakakita ako ng isang sillohuette na korteng tao na nakatayo dun sa may tapat ng computer table ng katabi ko.



Kanina, namalik mata na naman ako. Isang entity ang nakita kong lumulutang doon sa may bookcase namin. Tanda ko pang pahiga ang paglutang niya. Di ko yun makakalimutan dahil malaki ang pangangatawan ng nilalang ang nakita ko na animo'y isang bangkay na dinadala papasok sa morgue.



---



Ito lamang ay base sa personal na experience ko. Labas pa rito ang mga nakita at naramdaman ng iba.



---



Noong training namin, naikwento ng isa sa supervisor namin ang nangyari sa kanya doon mismo sa kwarto na katapat ng room namin. Birthday noon ng isa sa mga boss, at dahil natural sa kanilang mga babae ang magharutan, di sinasadya na may nagambala sila doon sa kwartong yun habang sigawan sila ng sigawan at harutan ng harutan habang kumakain.



Pagkababa sa opisina niya sa third floor ay makailang ulit niyang napansin ang pagalaw galaw ang blinds niya na para bang may naglalaro noon. Hindi niya pinansin ang mga pangyayari at sa halip ay nagpasama pa siya sa isa sa mga tao sa labas habang patuloy siya sa pagtratrabaho. Nang sumunod na araw ay nagkatuwaan silang magdala ng digital cam at magkuhaan ng litrato dun sa dating kwarto ng supervisor ko. Sa laking pagtataka nila, hindi niya makita ang mukha at katawan niya sa bawat picture na lumalabas - tanging nababalutan lang ng aninong itim ang lugar kung saan siya lagi nakapwesto.



Isinangguni nila yun sa isang albularyo para ipatawas. Ang lumabas na resulta ay totoong namang nakapagpatayo ng balahibo ng lahat ng taong nandoon ng mga oras na iyon.



Tatlong nilalang - isang babae na mahaba ang buhok, isang dwende, at isang lamang-lupa ang lumitaw sa tawas. Galing daw iyon dun sa taas mula nung nagambala nila ang lugar kung saan naglalagalag ang mga espiritu. Galing iyon sa floor namin na madalas ay hindi nilalagian ng mga tao. Marahil sa harutan nila ng mga kasama niya ay naistorbo ang mga nilalang doon sa isa sa mga sulok ng malaking opisinang iyon.



At bilang paghihiganti ay sinundan nila pababa ang boss namin para dun takutin sa opisina niya.



---



Yung babae rin na nakita sa tawas ang napabalitang nagpapakita sa isa sa mga cubicle ng girls CR sa third floor nung isang buwan. Saksi dito ang officemate ko, na nung minsang nag-cr siya eh may nakita siyang tao sa loob ng isa sa mga cubicles at napansin niya na ang buhok ng nasa loob ng cr ay nakaladlad na hanggang sa semento. Ilang oras nila inintay ang babae na lumabas para sana asarin ngunit hindi ito lumabas ng CR. Ilang linggo ring naulit ang pangyayari hanggang sa natapos na lang ang pagpaparamdam nung nilalang.



---



Kanina, habang nagpapaalam ako sa mga boss namin, biglang naantala ang kasiyahan namin ng biglang mag-amoy pabango ng matandang lalaki sa paligid namin. Tila amoy musk na ginagamit ng mga lalaki noong 1960's ang bumalot sa isang parteng iyon ng kuwarto. Noong una eh nagbibiruan pa kami na baka isa sa amin ang may gamit ng pabangong iyon, ngunit nung nagamuyan na kami lahat, wala ni isa sa amin ang nagpabango.



Kanina rin habang papauwi, nakwento sakin nung kasabayan kong officemate na sa lugar ng kinakatayuan namin habang naamoy namin yung pabango ay ang mismong lugar kung saan namalikmata siya nung minsang mag-overnight sila



Habang kumakain sa table, nakita niya ang isang nilalang na sumisilip galing sa ilalim ng computer table. Sabi niya, nanlilisik daw ang mga mata at para bang may hinahanap sa paligid.



Eto ang unang pagkakataon na nagkwento siya tungkol sa mga bagay na nagpapatayo ng mga balahibo namin. Hindi siya maaring magsinungaling dahil ang kwento niya ay tumutugma sa mga nararamdaman at namamalikmata ko.



Umalis ako ng building na nakatayo pa ang mga balahibo. Alam kong hindi pa natatapos dito ang katatakutan doon. Marahil, kelangan ko nang magdala ng puting kandila sa Lunes.

Out

For a very long time, I have dreamed of outing myself to a effeminate gay guy who is far far advanced than me. I have dreamed of exchanging notes with them, knowing that between PLUs and sterotyped effeminates, there are a lot of things we don't know about ourselves.



Being drunk myself, I voluntarily told everything to Paulie, my ex-vice president who showed me what being non-straight was, before I could even find myself testing the waters separating non-straights from the straights.



---



It just came too fast. I found myself telling him, my innermost thoughts and experiences being like this. In just two years, I've realized that I came that far - too far for anyone from anyone apart from ODDERs to realize.



I was still flirting with women the last time I confided him my stories. This time, I was almost telling him the things that I've done during my slutty days.



Finally I found the courage to bridge the gap between my college and post college life. It's just a matter of time before I tell my mom and my sis what I have become.



Nobody's to blame anyway, I think what my dad did, and how I managed to exists without a dad

only propelled things, the way nobody expected it to be.



Right now I think, despite everything, I have become one of the most OUT guys among my friends. I owe it to them the courage and strength to live a life like this. Finding myself in the company of non-straight men would leave me uncomfortable before - now, I find solace and comfort knowing, that a whole table of non-straight folks have terrorized another bar again.



Tonight, I've realized that those who know my present, my non-straight life would have a permanent place in my future. I think, I can never turn back now. What Papu prophesized before has already happened.



From being a curious to bisexual to completely being a homosexual. It was, just a blink of an eye

for the transformation to be complete.



Welcome to Phankspace Paulie. Nawa'y makita mo ang mga nakwento mo sa akin noon, ngayon sa bagong storya ng buhay ko. I am, looking forward to have a long and nice chat with you one day.

Andrea

She was my chill out companion when we were cleaners, and the last people standing during our Christmas Parties back in college.



She too, was the first person in my class to discover my blog and found my new life written all

over this place.



And she's the only groupie in college that I am comfortable to have a drinking session with. Together with her long-time companion, my ex-vice president, Paulie.



Tonight, she celebrated her 23rd birthday, and I made it a point to be there, despite my very

tight schedule tomorrow.



---



I was still panting when I arrive at Kitties this evening. It might be late but I made it to her birthday at around 11 pm. Half drunk, she asked me for a friendly kiss, but I gave her instead a tight hug.



This is the first time, she asked for that - would it signify our closeness, or she just felt comfortable now that she holds the key to my stories. But for all I care, she remains one of the coolest girls I've known in my life, aside from my close friend Biela, Andrea holds the distinction for having one of the most unique and inspiring personalities among the girls I know.



Cool, hip, a senti-in-denial. One might even mistake her for a lesbian (which I think she might be) But her most valuable trait is that she knows how to relate to different kinds of people. Call her koboy or hippie/groupie/bohemian, but she is Andrea, and such personality can never be matched by anyone.



They were talking about their blogs the whole time I was there. Indeed, she lives in a far far world, from where I stand here. It's alright though, I have no business with her world. What worries me is that she may accidentally broadcast my blog to those persons, I don't want my blog to be known.



She held on, despite her drunkeness. In fact, she held on too much, I think, my gamble paid off.



Despite my "outness" here in my space, I am not still comfortable flaunting my newfound preference in my past. I was stiffly straight then. In fact, I haven't had an inch of idea about this existence.



Now that I am breathing this life, my last wish is that to let those from my past, never find my future.



---



Thank you Andrea for keeping this a secret. I owe you a lot girl, and Happy Birthday too! I hope my presence did some great wonders for you. Till the next time dude.



---



The way you allowed me to hug you and held you before you rode a taxi made me feel how close and comfortable we have become. You may not have realized it but throughout the years, you made a strong and lasting impact in my life.

Waking Aftermath

I slept through the whole storm.



I was really anticipating that power would be interrupted last night, but I think it never did. There were just some several flickers but that's it. It never really did go out... or was I sleeping that why I never knew?



The wind was howling shortly after I closed my eyes, as I've said, the steel support of my window was turning violent but it didn't wake me up. I was sleeping soundly, and the sounds

of silence never penetrated my dreams.



I don't wanna sound disappointed, but personally, it didn't just manifested the way I expected. I did overcalculate things this time... or probably we're just very lucky, Yoyong has changed its direction.



The destruction and loss will just show days after this storm left. Right now, some small bits of news are being flashed on TV - but completing its puzzle would take days.



Tired from all those preparation and anticipation, I think I would just rest my body right now. My colleagues did report to work today, and I should have been, if mom allowed me to leave. However, I am already late since we didn't set our alarm clock last night. We were, after all

geared for the worst.



We were simply expecting time would stop.

Into the Kamikaze

In just a few hours, the eye of the storm would make landfall in Aurora.



As early as last night, the war drums has already been sounded. We have adequately prepared for this storm and we're relatively confident that we can sleep all night knowing that our home is safe.



I went to work this morning, despite my mom's concern that signal number 2 has been raised in Metro Manila, well if I have a choice, I would have stayed home and prepared everything myself. But after knowing Phanks would go to work too, I concluded that it was the right thing to make a living in this ungodly day. If ever he would need my assistance in the afternoon, I could be just one jeep away.



The whole morning was spent in listening to the radio, particularly the AM station. We were constantly tuned in to the storm updates, so that we could have an idea whether going home at 2 would still be ok. The whole morning, I kept on sensationalizing the news, claiming that signal number 3 was already raised in Metro Manila, to keep my colleagues relatively pressured and eager to go home.



However, it seems a lull had fallen on our skies, despite the thread Yoyong posed in southern luzon, everything seemed so calm outside - aside from the dark skies, there was only a slight breeze blowing from the west.



Things changed though in the afternoon. Leaving the office at 4, I decided to head on to Pedro Gil and wait for my significant other. It wasn't a long wait though since they were dismissed at 5. We immediately headed towards the LRT station, pushing ourselves to the immediate train

that stopped, since I know,



time is running out.



---



Habang papalapit kami sa monumento, naririnig ko na ang sipol ng hangin galing sa labas ng tren. Ang sipol na yun ang nagbabadyang panganib na maaring harapin ng libo libong taong nasa labas pa ngayon. Isang malakas na bugso ng hangin humampas sa kaharap kong bintana. Sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, parang isang multo ang nakita ko sa pinagbuntong-buntong na butil ng ulan na dumikit sa salamin.



Sa oras na iyon, muling bumalik sakin ang kagimbal gimbal na alaala ng nakaraan. Mag-isa sa kwarto, hindi alam kung ano ang kahihinatnan bukas, habang dumadagundong ang bahay at sumisigaw ang hangin sa labas.



Kanina, ramdam ng puso ko ang takot.



---



On the way home, my mind was clearly elsewhere. I was hoping to arrive earlier before the storm pushes in. Learning from the news, the storm would actually make a landfall by 10. Just like what I have predicted.



Ever since I've been independent, I've been good at calculating things.



---



Now the winds are again blowing outside, I can almost hear the cone... blowing in the air. The threat of power interruption is almost near. It seems like what I dreaded before will come knocking again on my windows.



I can feel the ground trembling...



The steel support of my window is continously shaking.



---



The truth is, I am really afraid and sickly worried.



I am not used to the approaching silence... and monotony. I wish my bud is here with me.

I wish I am not just the lone guy in the house.



---



Magbro-brownout na.

1 Deciembre, 2004

The news of the approaching storm left me panic-stricken and restless. I’ve been so engrossed thinking about work, Phanks and internet this past few days, that I had completely forgotten a storm, which is about to arrive.



This evening, after confirming the news of its arrival, and the strength it possesses, I immediately checked in the internet it’s predicted trajectory. It will directly pass through several provinces north of Manila, the website said, it would probably hit Pangasinan, Cordillera and Ilocos.



Its trajectory brings the super typhoon close to home…



very close to the loved ones which is the reason of my worries right now.



---



The last time a storm with such strength hit Manila, was when I was in high school. If I could remember it right, it was Rosing and it hit Bulacan directly that morning. However, due to the comical relief our neighbors showed as they frantically tried to patch their rooftops as the winds furiously blows on every corner, the ordeal was a little bit bearable. In fact, it was more of a sightseeing galore, watching the neighborhood prepare too late, for the storm which was already there.



The second time a strong storm threatened Manila was when I was in college. It passed at dawn and the winds were really pounding my side of the house. What makes everything more dreadful is the deep howl of the wind, the sounds you would hear in the movies as the ground shakes a little since its very foundations bear the brunt of such pounding..



I’m not so sure but from what I’ve heard from the movie Twister, it was called the Cone Of Silence. Probably the reason why I dreaded hearing those wind howls is that it reminds me of how grave the situation is - the long, deep billowing sound of the wind announcing the coming of the delubyo overhead will surely make every normal human person fall down on his knees (not literal of course.)



But what worries me more is that this time, I will be the only man in the house.



Every bit of responsibility, from ensuring that my mother dearest and my little sister would not bear the brunt of this storm, to Phanks’ own welfare and protection in their home rests in my hands. In fact, I told him to prepare too, since we don’t know how much damage this catastrophe would bring.



There are a lot of scenarios playing in my mind right now. I know it happened before; I felt this dread long before. I’ve slept through a night of endless pounding on my window as the sky swells from the bloody red clouds hanging overhead. We are a survivor already.



With a little transistor radio close to me, as the grand masterpiece of heaven converge on top of our heads, may we survive another close call,



And let those who will fall, find peace and freedom in the heavens and beyond..