Abomination

How many times do I have to tell you that we can't do anything?

That, that company is already doomed?

Can't you see that this issue is tearing us apart?
Can't you see that I'm already fed up with it?

Can you at least spell your own liberation, like I did?

For God's sake, this is not our life.
We're very much happy before these things came to our midsts.

And All That Remained Was Emptiness (Last Part)

Sunday.

My lola celebrated her birthday in my aunt's house. It was a huge family gathering where all my relatives are present.

I love these gatherings because mom and her sisters find a time to bond. Besides, food was really overflowing. In fact, I should really make it a point to club this week to burn all the unecessary fats that I have accumulated during yesterday's event.

Late in the afternoon, the teens decided to watch a movie at SM Bicutan. Of course, they were inviting me to join them but I declined.

Mom won't have any company, that's why I have to remain. I spent the entire afternoon reading Noli Me Tangere to refresh myself with that novel. Besides, I was also trying to find a link that can prove that Ibarra and Elias were secretly in love with each other, and not with Maria Clara and Salome.

---

Ever since high school, I appreciated Noli more than its sequel El Filibusterismo. One reason was our teacher in Filipino was a terror. She often surprised us with a quiz before we discussed a chapter of the book. Besides, I find the chapters in Noli lighter and comical than El Fili. Here, Jose Rizal was more focused on details and the different lives of the main characters.

Eventually, I got bored from reading the said novel after piecing up the stories of individual characters from the book. Then phanks missed-called me, which I should have to return call after I recieved it.

He was cranky the whole day. And in moments like those, I know that I'm the only one who could cheer him up.

Ever since he got that scholarship in Benilde, he found the adjustments quite monumental. In fact, I am also adjusting myself since I couldn't wait for him until 9 pm. My energies won't allow me to. Before, I was planning to join Roy in his gym training but I am still short of funds and waiting for whatever career I would be taking.

So the gym have to wait.

---

Anyway, phanks needed some assurances again. After all, it is my primary duty to prop him up whenever he gets upset over things. My bud is a great whiner and his pastimes include complaining about a lot of things. Good thing though, I have already adjusted myself to his habits. In fact, I find it extremely abnormal when a week would pass by and he wouldn't complain about anything.

That is my lovelife. At least, I know that I'm needed.

After ending our conversation, I've realized that I can't leave him in that situation. We have gone this far, and we have encountered even more difficult challenges than his admission to Benilde and how it would change our relationship.

But if you ask me, I would rather break up with him than become a distraction to his plans. I think it is the greatest sacrifice I could offer in order for him to reach his dreams and plans in life.

Sabagay... isa lang naman akong hamak na buddy. Anytime, pwede kaming mawala.

---

That night, my computer was reformatted by my high school friend. We got the chance to update ourselves about our lives and classmates.

He said, a long time ago - all of us were just equals. But after we've graduated in college, things became different. Not only did some of us become successful in their respective careers, they even exceeded the expectations bested in them while we were in high school.

Perhaps, I should have taken a Computer or an IT course back in college. Tech-savvy naman kasi ako eh. Probably, if I chose that path before, I might have been raking a 6-digit salary today. I might have achieved my dreams earlier.

Yun nga lang, I might not have been a writer if I steered my life into that direction. There might not be a Pulsar or a PLU-Imogen today.

---

I lied on my bed that night thinking again of my future; or should I say, what career I would take up that would make me financially sound and intellectually rich. You see, I really don't know what I want at this time. If you ask me, I just wanted a job that is 8 hours a day - two day vacation, a tolerable pay, and a job that would stir up my creativity and quench my thirst to see new things.

Seriously, I am having second thoughts about my upcoming Call Center Career and no matter how I try to feel how the job would look like when I'm already there, I always ended up asking myself... am I for the money or really for the customer service?

But who knows. I haven't been in the floor yet of an inbound call center. Who am I to judge?

---

Fast forward.

I woke up this morning with a text message on my phone. It was my trainer and she informed me that they have already endorsed our application back to Convergys. She said that Convergys would call us for a telephone interview, which would serve as our validation.

I waited the whole afternoon for their call.

Later this afternoon, mom and I went to SSS to ask for some questions about my dad's death benefits. Afterwhich, we then proceeded at SM Manila to buy a pair of shoes for mom.

The shopping left me exhausted and sleepy.

We arrived home half past seven. I went to my room, opened my PC. Browsed PEx then started to write the first few sentences of this entry.

While in the background, Jem's song - Flying High was blaring on my speakers.

The chorus goes something like this:

"But I'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
And I can feel your high
rocking me inside
it's too much to hide"

As I listened to the song, I thought of the people who are very close to my heart; the routines that I will soon impose upon myself; and the freedom that I'll be getting the moment I get a job.

And then, without a trace, I wasn't feeling empty anymore.

It's like a new chapter of my life is dawning.

And All That Remained Was Emptiness (Part Two)

It was Saturday and I felt so lonely.

My sister asked me if I could accompany her to Glorietta to buy some kikay stuffs there. I declined for I was not in the mood to go out.

Later that afternoon, phanks came to my place to hang out with me. But as always, it ended up in a popoy. The popoy was intimate. But when we do it these days, I just felt empty. I don't know if I'm bored or he's bored but I think there's something different - I sensed that there's a rift between us.

Or probably, I felt that way because I wasn't really in the mood.

---

However, I got very aggressive during the bona part. And it produced some drastic results. The whole evening he was complaining about the... and I was forced to call Ateh Oscar (Progay) just in case I needed a doctor to consult if it gets worse.

That incident made me think about my roles. I used to be a bottom before and I enjoyed it very much. The feeling of being dominated by someone more masculine than you really turns me on. But lately, since phanks took up that role, I was forced to take up the top, which I found enjoyable in the end. But whenever I take the role, I tend to be irresponsible and aggressive. The accident happened before, and it turned out to be a false alarm.

Last saturday, I know that it was a false alarm which was just sensationalized by phanks. Yet it troubled me so much after reading some erotic stories, which the main character was rushed in the hospital after...

That trauma devastated me. It might even trigger a turning point in our relationship... If you know what I mean.

---

Also that afternoon, Phanks asked me if I could accompany him to a clinic to get his X-ray results.

Since I wasn't in the mood to go out with somebody, I made an excuse and told him that I should report to Convergys at 5 pm.

After he boarded a jeep going home, I texted papu if he's in his apartment. He said he was having a reunion with his high-school classmates. So I got off at Megamall and decided to date myself, which I have never done in a long time.

The truth is, I felt so lonely doing it. I was tempted to call Roy so that we could hang around together. But for some reason's, I simply changed my mind.

---

I immediately went to Powerbooks to check out the latest Poetry Books at the Filipino Literature section.

There I discovered that my favorite Pinoy Poet, Ruel De Vera published his new collection. I called mom to ask her if it's practical to spend money for a poetry book, which she affirmed and then I took a copy while I browsed for other books that suits my interests.

I was near the entrance when someone familiar approached me.

It was Sonny, and he's with his buddy.

For half an hour, we browsed through books and audio CD's - and also checked out for cutie guys we have spotted. However an incident happened between the couples, which forced me to go my own way - for them to talk it out and patch up their differences.

It was raining cats and dogs when I left the building. Good thing, there were a lot of FXs who were waiting at the taxi bay so going home wasn't really that difficult.

---

My week came to a close without me having partied at Malate. I was so tired last Friday and it was raining hard last Saturday.

I was also left thinking about the things that would happen the following week and how would I divert my attention to keep my hands out of the doomed publishing business.

That incident between me and phanks made me think about the sense of our relationship. It's a complicated story line... but we might go our own separate ways if I find the adjustments too difficult for me.

And yeah, my Windows XP got corrupted and that made my night so fucked up, I called a high school friend if he could drop by my place that midnight. However, his mom forbade him to go out so I slept early to keep my disappointments and upsets to myself.

And All That Remained Was Emptiness (Part One)

I woke up last Saturday feeling empty.

The training was over. I have passed it and soon, my application would be endorsed back to Convergys. However, my first thought after I woke up was about my co-trainees. The thought of you as a group going your own separate ways, never to see each other again is quite saddening. After the mock exam, we were even planning to have a drinking session as a fitting ending for our 5-day training.

But I ended up puffing a Malboro Lights beside Robinson's Galleria across Poveda with the Amboys.

After we finisihed a pack, we said our goodbyes... hoping, that we would see each other in the product training.

But I know, it would be our last time to see each other.

---

Mister Cutie and I had also a good ending.

Thursday, I asked him if it's ok if I could hitch a ride in his car since he's going to Fairview and I'd be dropping off at Cubao to visit a friend. He said it's fine with him, so I had the chance to bond with him ( and one of our co-trainees) while inside the car.

Friday, we found out that only one person would interview us. I am the first one to be interviewed and he was the fourth. After I passed the training, I told him all the things he should do to get the attention of our interviewer who I sensed gay. I told him that while the interviewer asked him questions, he should look straight in the eye of the person and smile as he answers the questions to show that you are confident with what you are saying.

He smiled at me as if to demonstrate what I was saying and then he blinked one of his eyes to emphasize a point. Those smiles and blinking really melted me. Until now, if ever I wanted to picture Mister Cutie in my mind, I would still remember that moment when I found him very charming with those actions.

When it was his time to be interviewed, I bid him "break a leg" for good luck. I think, his interview was one of the longest in our batch and when he emerged from the interview room, he was smiling.

Like me, he also passed the exam. We're both eligible for endorsement back to Convergys.

---

Since I made it a point to return to XP's place after our exam, I decided to join him in the bus so that he would have some company on his way home. Again, I asked more questions about him - his life, his friends, his pastimes. I found out that he was once a member of a university's basketball team and his passion is playing basketball. I also found out that most of his friends have already left for another country and he wasn't a nocturnal person by nature.

I wanted to probe into his sexual activities, his perversions and secrets... but I instead showed him formality since he seemed to be more formal and conservative about his views about those things. At least, he would see me in the same respectable light.

I got off the bus in P. Tuazon. He was the last person I talked to and said my goodbyes to among my co-trainees. If our training was extended for another week, probably we would have ended up as the best of friends there. I think I was the only one who knew him more than anyone else in the batch.

Saturday came and I checked out his profile in friendster... There, I found his profile. His hair was still long when they took the picture, and a girl was intimately close to his face - his girlfriend.

Mister Cutie truly is a straight. I think his friendster account should end all speculations about his alleged "alternative" sexual preferrence.

---

After the training, I immediately headed back to XP's place to report my achievements to him.

I admit, without XP's training, I could not have done it. I might not have the "confidence" I had while the interviewer asked me difficult questions. The 2-hour english conversation the night before the mock interview really did pay off. Not only did I discover that I can compensate my poor accent with sheer confidence, XP also pointed out to me some of my weaknesses that I wouldn't have noticed when I am practicing on my own.

Thank you bud.

---

XP lives with Sonny also a brODDER, who also applied at Convergy's the week before my pre-test in the training center. They also share the apartment with two other guys who works in a call center.

All of them are non-straight.

Since Sonny's bud would also drop by the apartment that night, XP invited me to stay for dinner and enjoy Sonny's cuisine while I have the opportunity.

That night, XP and I headed to a nearby supermarket to buy the ingredients he would need for the Sinigang na Baboy that Sonny decided to cook for our dinner.

While Sonny was preparing the ingredients, XP and I watched " A Touch of Pink," a gay heartwarming movie that we borrowed outside the supermarket.

Nathan arrived two hours later and then we ate our dinner and watched Bubble Gang until bud called it a night.

And yeah, a taste of Sonny's cuisine is like having a piece of heaven in your tummy. I swear, he should really sign up as a chef.

---

The whole bonding thing at XP's place reminded me of a time when James, Sealdi and I shared an apartment in Project 6 not too long ago.

Back then, James was our master chef. His mastery comes from his Kapampangan roots. Since he was working as an English Tutor for Koreans, everytime we would eat our dinner there would always be a Korean Spicy Noodles included in the table.

Back then, we bonded while watching Bubble Gang on the television; James drinks his vodka and Sealdi puffs his Gundam Garam, while I had my Phillip Morris with me.

The couch was infested with pesky higads that came from a nearby tree. James' half completed puzzle was laid on the far side of the sala.

We tried to live a bohemian lifestyle back then. My sex life, though active outside the apartment, was restrained in our nest for sanctity's sake and for respect to my two housemates.

Still, when I wanted to remember of a time when I was extremely free to do everything that I wanted, I would always remember our days...

And last friday, at XP's apartment, everything seemed like a Deja-vu to me. Somehow, it made me missed those days when we had the night for ourselves.

Continuinity

Sapagkat ang paglalakbay ay hindi natatapos dito...
Bukas, sa pagsikat ng araw, babalik sa dati ang
ikot ng aking buhay. Ngunit, sa kabila nito,
hindi na muli akong babalik sa duyan ng nakaraan.

Dalawang taon mula noong ako'y nagsimulang maglakad
patungong Convergys, ngayon, sa kabila ng katakot takot
na kawalang pag-asa na nadarama ko buong maghapon;
sa loob ng aking pangamba at pagdududa sa aking sariling
kakayahan; at sa patuloy na di kasiguraduhan kung
makakasanayan ko ba ang trabahong call center.

Heto ako't patuloy na naglalayag.

Sa labingdalawang nagsanay para sa pagsasalita ng Ingles bago makapasok sa Convergys, kabilang ako sa walong na-endorse pabalik sa nasabing Call Center.

Hindi ko inaasahan ito.
At lalong hindi ko inisip na aabot pa ako sa kadulu-duluhang ito...

Isang hakbang na lang,
nasa pintuan na nila ako.

The Line That Separates The Shadows From The Light

Tomorrow will be the last day of our training.

The five days we spent having a refresher with the english language proved to be invaluable. A week ago, I was barely speaking in English. Today, I was even having a conversation with XP in American when I dropped by his place this evening.

In a span of five days, I slowly discovered new friends. This training gave me the opportunity to meet new people and blend with straight men. Never did I bonded this much with such guys, it's unfortunate however that we only have a day to hang out before we separate and go our own ways.

Surely I would miss the puff sessions we have every morning breaks, lunchbreaks, afternoon breaks and dismissals. I would miss the am-boys and the promil babies who often break the ice whenever nervousness gets into our hearts. I would miss our mini-games, the bleaky view of Pasig and the rest of Rizal province shrouded in smog from the window of our training room. And of course, I would miss Mr. Cutie, who had mystified me during the four days of our training.

This is... a great experience. It really did divert my attention from the looming problems in our publishing business and the rest of the world.

---

However, the resource person said that she's really concerned about my performance.

She said, that despite the training, I still sounded like Filipino especially when I am rattled. And that means I might fall short of the passing tomorrow, If I don't do well.

That's why I dropped by XP's place this evening in hopes of gaining confidence on the way I speak a foreign language. For the first time, I have appreciated his tongue whenever he speaks that way in front of the tropa before.

I admit, having a conversation with him in that way made me feel awkward. It's like expressing something you could have easily said in Filipino, but now you are having a difficulty explaining it to him in another language.

I stuttered at first. But I have observed that as our conversation continues and comfortabily sets in, I was beginning to sound like he did.

I was already speaking his tongue all by myself.

I just wish that by tomorrow, I will still have that tongue during our mock interview.

Tonight is the eve of the judgement day. The only thing I can do now is to close my eyes and think... that this is all but just a passing moment.

Whatever happens, life moves on to begin a new story angle.

Book Of Revelations

"Can I ask you something dude? You may answer it or not..." *

"What is it?"

"What is your preference?"

"What preference? you mean my sexual one? I'm gay, I have a boyfriend (wag ka na lang maingay ha) isn't it obvious?"

"No... I'm just making sure. Who knows, you might be effeminate but still straight... These days, you wouldn't know who is from who isn't. Am I correct?"

"How about you?"

I just smiled...

---

Finally, the cat is out of the bag. I was about to open this question on Friday, however when we had some sorta mini-interview activity this morning, I kinda planned to ask this question in front of the batch but decided to change it for sensitivity's sake.

But during our first puff break this morning, the conversation above just blurted from my mouth out of nowhere.

Now, we are two in the batch. However, during our further conversations later in the afternoon, I've realized that we don't share the same ideals. He believes that there are still "straights" who would love to have sex with guys. I, on the other hand believes that every guy, even the most masculine who enjoys having sex with another guy, whether it be effeminate or parlorista still is a non-straight. He may not accept himself as a homosexual or bisexual, but the bottom line is, he enjoys it and that makes him no different from other gays.

And during lunch, he asked me one big question that confirmed my doubts about Mr. Cutie...

"Anong findings ng gaydar mo kay Mr. Cutie?"

Goodness!!!

Is our gaydars registering the same? Is there something in him that makes our "green" blood tinge with excitement?

But... he has a girlfriend... He plays basketball... He might be a quiet guy, but is Mr. Cutie hiding something? Why are we asking the same question? Why does our 'dar telling the same thing?

---

Ever since that revelation, I starting finding Mr. Cutie even hotter. I even began "discreetly" hanging out with him and the rest of the guys he hangs out with.

But of course, despite his apparent attractiveness, I won't cross the bridge and directly confronts him and his sexuality. Many times today, I was tempted to get his number from the roster and see for myself if he would bite a guy's (not apparent gay) flirting using another phone. But right reasoning prevailed and I'll leave that situation as is.

As for me and my gay co-trainee. We're sharing the same blood... but that's all. Interests and personality wise, we are still different.

I find his aloofness very distracting.

---

We have only a day before the examinations.

Just like what the guys have commented, accent won't be worked out in a day. I still needs to blend my words and look after my pronounciations. I'm still not good with it, and probably I would never will.

I even performed mediocre during our grammar lessons this afternoon.

Therefore, I might probably waltz while taking the exams, and see it in a different light.

That way, win or loose... I would see the english training itself as something sort of a profit for my personal experience.

The Day I Spoke American

We spent the entire session neutralizing our flip accent. For the first time, I've realized how cool it is to speak english the American way. It's like kinda discovering new ways to make sounds you never thought you could do before. Although, I needed more practice in order to make this part of my system. However, I believe that the entire activity we had this day is worth all the investments I poured into attending this training.

Now, I'm looking for a person whom I can practice my new tongue. Fascinating, but I was actually worried this afternoon that I might be fixated into using my accent after we have left the building. Good thing though, the boys decided to have one more puff of cigarette before we left and chatted in Filipino that's why I have reclaimed my local tongue again before I went mingling with the public.

---

Weird, but no matter how I tell myself never to doubt my capabilities, I still fear that I might loose at the very end of this fight. The trainer told us that on Friday, we would undergo a final exam and a final interview in order for our applications to be endorsed back to Convergys. If we fail on that test, we may have to repeat the entire training... or worse, we will get booted out never to return again.

---

I was smiling the whole time while we were pronouncing words that has the sound of "th". I remembered that the very reason why I was encouraged to have this training was because during the final interview, the interviewer asked me to pronounce "three," however, my tongue was so stiff, that all I can pronounce was the letter "t", without the sound of "h." I also encountered difficulties pronouncing words starting with letter "p" and letter "f" since I tend to interchange the sounds of those letters.

I hope that by tomorrow, I would be more confident in speaking our clients language. So that if ever I would be asked to speak again in front of the class, I won't stutter and get nervous which might lead to my ultimate defeat on Friday.

---

Another thing that I have observed today was that, my "gay" co-trainee seems to be distant from among the guys. I don't know, but he seemed to maintain a world of his own - he never bothered to mingle and participate with the affairs of both the guys and the ladies of our batch.

He seems to be happy all by himself.

---

I have also noticed that straight men, especially those in the call centers are actually open- minded and respectful of their gay counterparts. They were even accomodating to our gay compadre. If this would go on till Friday, I might... for the spirit of "sangkabaklaan" to out myself and tell everthing to him.

---

For the first time in years, the words "ang ganda naman nung tsiks" actually came out of my mouth while having a puff session with the boys. And mind you, I wasn't covering up when I said it. It really came out unintentionally and with somehow a lustful tinge.

Does that mean I still have the bisexual spirit hidden in me?

---

Lastly, I discovered that mr. cutie co-trainee has a girlfriend. Oh well, I think not all whammy's have already sided with the rainbow side.

But again... who knows,

he might eventually metamorph in the future. Just like all others do.

---

And more bad news... the day after the contract was signed, the company was still unoperational. Good luck to all of us.

Pains Of Adaption (Season 2)

After almost 5 months of lingering in limbo, I am back to putting up a routine in my life again.

Today was my first day of Foundation Training in TDS. Our facilitator explained that we need to pass the training before our application papers would be endorsed back to Convergys. For the meantime, she said, we should try to take this training more seriously for it would be our final key whether we would get hired or not.

Just like I expected, I am still not in with Convergys. At least, I am doing something relevant right now. It's better this way rather than wake up again in the afternoon worrying about the things I would have to accomplish for the day.

---

I arrived at around 8 am this morning in Robinson's Equitable Tower.

My first impulse was too look for cutie co-trainees so that I would have some diversions while on my training there. However, I found out later that most of them are straight and looks bear-ish. Except for one, who was a swimmer and an athelete. But of course, he's not as goodlooking as one would might expect, this time I really did drop my standards for the basis of who's whammy and who's ordinary.

As for the ladies, most of them are single parent and somewhat boring. They have formed their own group that loosely proclaim "girl power" in the class. There's also this one guy, whom I already detected during our first encounter as someone who shares "my preference." However, the difference between us is that I remain discreet and unassuming in a crowd of people who won't understand.

Good thing I did that.

---

For during lunchtime, the guys and the ladies separated to form their own circles. I joined the straight guys since they invited me to join them in the first place. The gay guy who said that he is "an ocean of serenity" during one of our activities was left out. I've heard the guys while we were eating talking about him and his peculiarities in being gay.

If they only knew...

The first day of training went on smoothly. I met a bunch of new friends (even though they are straight, which gave me a hard time adjusting to their conversations about women) and have proven myself to everyone that despite my lack of experience in working in a Call Center, I remain at the same level with them.

---

Overall, I found myself less inclined towards my prefence when surrounded by people who doesn't walk "my way." The girls, which I found boring since the first hour proved to be more boring during the afternoons. Therefore, I think I am the type of homosexual who won't enjoy the company of women, like most gay guys we see. Despite the overwhelming preference for same sex, and my newly adapted gayspeak I often use whenever I share my story about my adventures in Malate,

By nature, I remain the pa-mhin that I've always been.

What deeply worries me though is that I am not really sure if I would like to have a call center job, especially at a time when I submitted my resume to two other options. Ever since my initial application, I've always been this half-hearted. This is how painful adapting is.

I simply don't know what I clearly want.

---

On the other hand, the contract signing in my dad's company pushed through. We hope that this would be the start of a new beginning for that beleaguered company.

However, I would like to distance myself this time. Running the business simply doesn't appeal to me at the moment.

R and R

Sinama ako ni mama sa isang resort sa may San Mateo ngayong araw. Kelangan ko daw mag-ala Marina para naman meron raw akong maipagyayabang na summer outing ngayong taon.

Actually, aliw yung 9 waves pool nila ha. Iba talaga ang feeling na mahampas-hampas ng artificially created na tsunami ang katawan mo. In fairness rin, ang dami kong nainom na tubig kaya walang tigil ang labas-masok ko sa CR.

Pero ang mas aliw eh yung mabusog ang mata mo sa dami ng boys sa pool. Kahit medyo junjunin at tatayin ang karamihan, nakakita rin naman ako ng katakam-takam na mga kalalakihan. In fact, halos buong maghapon eh nagboy watching lang ako. Quever kung maaraw. Ang ganda naman ng sights na makikita.

Plus, kasama ko rin ang aking half brother na pinagsususpetsyahan kong ka Federacion ko din. Wish ko lang, mas may asim pa sana ako sa kanya.

Anyway, medyo marami akong naging realizations kanina.

Unang una na dito ang interest ko pa rin sa mga junjun. Kahit na anong deny ko na ayaw ko ng bata, shet nung may nakita ako kanina na 19ish na kiddo na sobrang litaw ang abs sa tiyan niya. Parang gusto kong pagnasaan siya sa swimming ppol kanina, habang sumisisid siya para hanapin yung coin na tinapon ng utol niya.

Pangalawa, kahit may pagkabalyena ako sa pool, bah! swimmer pa rin pala ako... Kasi nga sobrang papansin ko dito sa junjunin na sobrang talap ng abs, bigla tuloy lumitaw ang alam ko sa freestyle.

Siguro pag may nagtanong sa akin kung anong sports ang alam ko, might as well claim swimming as my only sport.

Lastly, it's ok pala maging tanned. Jusme, paputi ako ng paputi gamit ang aking favorite na Kissa Papaya Soap na inendorse ni Kris Aquino noon, kaya na enganyo akong i-try siya. Yun pala saka lang maraming makakapansin at matutuwa sa balat ko nung mukhang nasunog ang buong katawan ko.



And yeah, masaya ako para kay XP. Mukhang bullish ang stock market natin ngayon ah!

Minsan

I should have kept this under the sheets, or even never bothered to focus my feelings over this, but when Roy shared his sentiments with me this evening about our roots, I just can't help but vent it out in my blog. Sometimes, there are sadness that you can't simply hide. Probably perhaps, after denying the changes for a very long time, now... it all crumbles in front of me.

That just feel that we are now orphans;

That our cradle that kept and cared for us for so long is gradually ceasing to exist.

---

The truth is, I was really disappointed that such initiatives like I did yesterday in hopes of fulfilling the aspirations of everyone would actually produce very minimal results. Tanda ko pa, someone asked if it could be held on a Friday... Since it seems like everyone would be available, then it pushed through.

Ang pinaka nakakainis pa dun, the one who requested it to be set on a Friday was not there... he had set his own gimmick a night before, with some of our friends who were also asking for a contingent this week.

Tanggap ko naman na these days, it's hard to call a meet up. First, it's because we couldn't come up with reasons on why we should hold a contingent. Second, it's true that everyone's priorities have dramatically been changed. But a movie gimmick is a good reason to see each other, especially if the movie we would be watching would appeal to almost everyone.

Nakakapanghinayang lang...

A year ago, when someone called for a meet-up like we had last night, almost everyone would try their best to attend. Before, when someone failed to come to a contingent, it's like you loose half of your social life for the entire week.

But now...

---

Ngunit ngayon,
Kay bilis maglaho ng kahapon
Sana'y huwag kalimutan
Ang ating mga pinagsamahan.
At kung sakaling gipitin ay
Laging iisipin na
Minsan tayo ay naging tunay na
Magkaibigan.


---

Ever since I got the chance to free myself every weekends, I made it a point that if someone calls for a gimmick, it would remain as my social obligation. After all, it was my desire to see our tropa enduring an entire lifetime.

It was also a promise that when Meng-meng returns, we would still be intact.

But ever since he left, we have become leaderless. There is no one among us who has the charisma at the mass appeal to unite 25 guys all at the same night.

Ahh... those were the days of the great contingents. That is why no matter how some of us claimed that Quattro had changed, I still consider it as my home - a place to return to when reminscing our beginnings, our growth, our bondings over a mug of San Mig Light.

As I try to remember everything that we have shared together for the last three years - the rain-drenched get togethers, the out-of-town contingents, the self destruction nights, the overflowing beers and alcohols, the birthday parties, the exchange gifts during christmas, the once-in-a-lifetime moments of rushing in the emergency room of a hospital just to check out a brother who had been rushed there.

When you look back at everything, one might still feel a lingering pride when those things would flash back on one's memory.

Yet things are different now. I guess that all we have are those cherished memories and recorded journals of the things we have done in the past.

---

Right now, I am having doubts if it's proper to air this sentiments, or should this be appropriate to post on my secret blog. But whenever Roy's text message echoes in my heart; whenever the urge to go to BED alone thrills me every Saturday night; whenever I meet new people in the web - adopting their new ways and view in life; and then I would be reminded of the things I hold dearly, like very old friendships, like humble beginnings...



Parang kelangan ko ata talagang ilabas ito at mabasa para sakali mang dumating ang panahon na tapos na ang lahat, wala akong itinago. Ipinahayag ko ang aking concern at ibinahagi ko ang aking kalungkutan. Ayokong magising na lang ako isang gabi na iba na pala ang mga kasama ko, at ang mas nakakalungkot dun ay mas nag-eenjoy na akong kasama sila...

...habang unti unting natutuyo sa puso ko ang dalawang taong mga masasarap na alaala at pinagsamahan sa mundo ng...


Perhaps there's a truth in the words that "all good things must come to an end." Maybe this is the end, as the signs are already appearing everywhere. Maybe, I'm already loosing my faith that time would come when we would see each other - all of us who have been a member of this group, again drowning ourselves with beer in one place.

Maybe, I am in between of feeling lonely, yet at the same time, also welcoming the prospects of hanging out by ourselves... Like I used to do; like Roy and I did through the course of our friendship.








I just hope that no matter what happens, even though painful changes are really inevitable. Yeah, we would still find a moment in our lives where we would laugh, smile, and remember who we once was.

Thank God For Gay Friday

Ateh Bernz, at sa lahat ng mga juding na laging takbuhan ang malate tuwing Biyernes at Sabado, para sa inyo itow...

---

Nag push-through ang meeting namin with the partner ngayon hapon. Jusku akala ko talaga eh world war na ang kalalabasan ng pagpupulong since matigas na ang aking madir at ang sister ng fadah ko tungkol sa desisyon nila about the future of our company. Ako naman, keri keri lang, nagpasya na lang ako sumunod para hindi na ako maging sagabal sa mga plano nila. Sa totoo, wish ko lang talaga na magka-pirmahan na ng kontrata para tapos na ang bangungot namin lahat. Eh kaso, andun ang mga lawyers at ang kanilang mga legal chenes kaya hayun, to be continued na naman ang kinauwian namin.

Pero in fairnez, mukhang nagbunga ang sangkatutak na prayers namin ni mama. Feel at peace naman ang mga tao at in one sila sa principles sa pagrerevive ng kumpanya kaya in the end, friendly-friends sila nag-adjourn ng meeting. Pero wag ka ha! Feel ko talaga badiday yung finance manager nung ka-partner namin. In that case, puro kagandahan ang nasa management ng office namin.

Except of course our partner, na nag-claim pa na may 44 kids daw siya sa siyam niyang asawa.

---

Noong lunes pa lang, chika na sa YM ng aking mga friendly friends na miss na daw nila mag-contingent. Hirit ko naman, kung miss nila ang isa't isa, wag na silang mag-intay ng contingent since weekly naman eh may mga baklita na nagkikita-kita. Pero dahil kelangan ko umeksena, para man lang mag-initiate na magkita kita ang magbabarkada, ipinahayag ko kaninang umaga na game na game na yung planong Star Wars Contingent ngayon gabi.

So tanghali pa lang mega text na ako sa mga tao wishing na sana man lang, magpakita sila. Eh kaso mo, feeling busy-busihan ulit ang karamihan kaya hayun kaninang alas-9, lima lang kami nagkita kita. Kung hindi ko pa sinabihan si Roy na treat ko siya, di rin magpapakita ang bakla. Tsaka kung hindi ko inaya yung import naming si Naught, na hanggang ngayon eh feeling straight pa rin at nagtetest-the-waters sa pagiging bading, lalabas na tatlo lang kaming nagkita kaninang gabi.

Anyways, enjoy naman ang aming munting pagkikita-kita kahit na yung mag-asawang kasama namin eh magfla-fly pa ngayon sa Bohol para i-celebrate ang kanilang 1st Anniversary. Siguro next time, maghahanda ako ng isang entry tungkol sa kwento nitong favorite love team naming ito para naman everyone would remember and appreciate how their love story had started.

Pagkatapos nameng manood, adjourn na rin kami. Sa totoo, hindi pa doon natatapos ang gabi ko dahil after the Megamall get together...

Nag fly ang beauty ko sa Republic of Malars!

---

Ever since, takbuhan talaga ng mga bading ang Malate. Tandang tanda ko pa ang first time ko umatak sa Orosa noong ako'y dalaga... este, estudyante pa lang. Dito naman, dalawa rin sa friendly friends ko ang makakasama ko - si Pope Benedict, na siyang isa sa pinaka-fab sa amin at si Miguelita, ang lalaking naging kilala sa kapal ng kanyang funda noong minsang nagpunta siya sa Contingent namin.

As usual, BED na naman ang hanap ko. Yun lang naman ang aliw ko sa buhay eh - ang sumayaw ng sumayaw at sumayaw. Quever na ang boy watching... basta pinatugtog na yung Breathe ni Michelle Branch tsaka yung On My Own ni Whitney Houston na ni-remix ng Thunderpuss, hahataw at magwawala na ako sa aking favorite spot doon sa elevated platform na tapat ng ledge.

Imbyerna nga lang kasi meron daw private party sa BED kanina, kaya di pa ako kaagad nakapasok. So gaya ng dati, tambay tambay akong muli sa kanto ng Orosa at Nakpil, wishing may makita ako dung tatlong bading na isang mukhang military na seminarista, isang chabelita, at isang pa-mhin na hindi naman gaanong katangkaran. Nagspo-spot rin ako dun sa lugar at baka meron akong marinig na mga bading na pinag-uusapan yung Duke. Shempre, na-curious na rin ako. Bah, isang milestone to kapag ako ang unang naka-meet sa pinakamamahal na baklitang si Badinggerzie.

One thing na nadiskubre ko since bihira lang ako rumampage ng friday, eh medyo trance lang naman ang tugtog sa BED tuwing gabing yun. Ang bad trip kasi, tuwing sabado eh baklita na ang DJ, baklang bakla pa yung music na pinapatugtog nila. Eh hindi naman kasi ako diva-divahan kaya hindi ako maiimpress sumayaw habang lahat ng bakla eh nagwawala sa isang sobrang effortless na sayawin na hindi mo man lang mahataw ang beat sa sobrang bagal.

---

Buti na lang at entourage ko si Pope Benedict at si Miguelita ngayong gabi. At least hindi masyadong nakakaboring sumayaw. At the same time, merong magpapaalala sa akin na kelangan ko mag-behave kundi tatamaan ako ng kidlat.

Bandang mga alas-tres, meron akong napansing isang gerl na sobrang hataw magsayaw.

I swear, akala ko talaga lesbyana sha at dahil ang tinutungga eh hindi San Mig Light kundi Red Horse Beer. Nung una, nabangga niya yung pwet ko, so nasira ang momentum ko. Pero nung nakalaunan, medyo smile smile na rin kami habang humahataw sa elevated platform...

Hanggang nung huli, kami na ang mag semi-dancing partners, kami pa ang magka-chika.

---

Ang name daw nung gerl eh Joy. 25 years old at may entourage na dalawang bading. Say niya, every friday daw sila pumupunta dun. Say ko naman, hindi ba siya na-iilang na puro lalaki ang nandun.

Hirit ng babae, hindi daw mga lalaki yun. So sabi ko na lang, "ah honga pala, mga bakla pala ang nagpupunta dito." end of discussion.

Pero akala ko dun na magtatapos ang aming chika chika. Later on, nagkwekwentuhan na kami tungkol sa frustration niya na bakit daw lahat ng gwapong lalaki eh bading, kundi man bisexual. Sabi ko, kapag ang isang straight na lalaki, pumasok sa BED at nakita yung nagagandahang mga katawan at nagwagwapuhang mga mukha nung mga astigin na baklang sumasayaw sa ledge, chances are, lumabas na rin sila ng bar... wishing maging na bading rin sila.

Minsan naman kasi kung iisipin mo, madali lang pumatol sa lalaki. Masarapan ka lang sa tsupa ng isang guy na sing masculine mo, tiyak yun, hahanap hanapin mo yun. Diba? Minsan nga, hindi ka lang makukuntento sa tsupa eh, at the end, gusto mo na rin siyang ka-hug, ka-kiss, at kung sweswertehin...

Ka-fuck pa.

Kaya di nakakapagtaka na maraming straight ang takot sa mga bading. Sa totoo lang mga day, yung mga takot at homophobic ang may pinakamalaking tsansang maging bading sila kapag nalasap nila ang katotohanan.

Pero shempre, quiet na lang ako kapag may mga straight na guys sa paligid ko.

---

Anyways, tuloy pa rin ang tsika tsika namen nitong gerlash. Napakilala ko na si Miguelita (na nung after kong ipakilala ay meron nang ka-torrid sa likod namin) at si Pope Benedict. Nakwento ko na sa kanya na nandun lang ako para mag-dance dance at hindi mangarir.

Nung una, ayaw pa maniwala ni gerl na hindi ako nangangarir. Nung sinabi kong may buddy (boyprend) ako, mas lalong ayaw niya maniwala. Sabi ko, "peksman! may lalaki ako" at loyal ako sa buddy ko kaya nagdidisiplina ako sa sarili ko. Hirit naman nung kausap ko, hindi ko daw keri maging bading. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung effective ba yung pa-mhin ko dun, o talagang sobrang panget ko para patulan ako ng isang lalaki.

Pero shempre, joke lang yung pangalawa.

Nung huli, napaniwala ko na rin siya. Sabi ko kasi, masarap ang may boyprend kasi bukod sa... alam naman ng ilan sa atin na masarap talaga ma-bottom, iba rin kapag ang karelasyon mo ay isang taong higit na nakaka-intindi sa mga pangangailangan mo bilang isang lalaki.

By that time, sureball na akong may instant fag-hag ako.







Pero hindi dun natatapos ang kwentong bakla ko...







Habang naguusap kami ni Joy tungkol sa pagpunta ko sa BED na mag-isa at walang paalam sa buddy ko, biglang may isang guy ang umeksena sabay hawak sa kamay ko.

Paglingon ko sa kanya... jusku, parang wish ko ata malaglagan ng brip!

Kasing taas ko siya, mukhang spanish looking at maypagka-mestiso habang patuloy pa rin hinahawakan ang aking mga kamay. At ang kulit pa ng baklang yun ha, smile smile pa siya kahit na pilit kong nilalayo yung hands ko sa kanya. Wish ko nga sana hiritan na

"I'm sorry handsome... but I'm already taken."

Pero hindi ko na lang ginawa kasi baka nakakahiya. After niya umalis, bigla kong inispluk kay Joy na merong cutie na humawak sa kamay ko at inaaya akong sumunod sa kanya. So na-divert ang usapan namin tungkol sa time kung saan atak ako ng atak basta may makitang cute.

---

Aaminin ko, sobrang shock ako dun. Gusto ko na nga lang isipin na baka nagkamali lang siya ng hawak ng kamay at baka kako yung katabi kong cute ang iniispat niya.

Pero hindi eh, wala akong cute na katabi as far as my standards is concerned at talaga namang nakita ng tatlong mata ko na ngumiti siya sa akin!

Ahhh... baka naman lasing lang, kaya biglang pumogi ako sa paningin niya.

Pero pramis! Good catch yun mga parekoy. Kung ang Imogen na pokpok lang ang hinawakan niya ang kamay, jusku, pupulutin siya sa ikapitong langit kinaumagahan. Lalo na siguro kung isa siyang top. Hehehe.

Pero mabait lang talaga ako... di ko keri gumawa ng katrayduran sa aking pinakamamahal sa araw pa mismo ng aming monthsary.

---

Sa totoo lang, bet ko talaga isayaw si Joy. Lam niyo na, since gerl naman siya eh parang katuwaan lang yun. Pero dirty dancer talaga ako eh, so baka pag ginawa ko yun eh masampal ako ng wala sa oras. Kaya hayun kwentuhan na lang kami ever hanggang sa mag-yosi yosi na lang kami at umeksena sa paligid namin ang mga entourage na kasama namin kanina.

Hindi nagtagal at umuwi na rin ako dahil di ko na type ang music at masakit na talaga ang paa ko kakasayaw. Tama na siguro ang tatlong oras na pagiling giling, pakembot kembot at pa-fly fly ng mga kamay sa dance floor... marami na siguro akong natalbugan kanina sa sayaw sayaw ko.

Pero pramis, heto ang second time na nag-enjoy akong umuwi galing sa Malars nitong mga nakaraang linggo. Wish ko lang na magkita ulit kami ni Joy sa susunod na pagkakataon. Wish ko na rin siguro magkafriends ng marami pang juding since...

wag na lang...

Ngayong gabi, asawa ko naman ang sasayawan ko. Heto, sure bet na hindi ko na kelangang landiin pa dahil siya pa ang nauuna sa akin sa larangang yun. Isa pa, iba pa rin ang feeling na ang kalambingan at kahalikan mo ay ang taong naging kahati mo sa buhay ng higit sa dalawang taon.

Wish ko lang, kahit na umeeksena ako sa Malars ng hindi niya alam, maibigay ko pa rin sa kanya yung faithfulness na siyang pundasyon ng relasyon at pagmamahalan namin...

At lalong wish ko lang na hindi sana nababasa sa computer ko itong mga pinagsusulat ko dito.





Sa totoo, ngayon pa lang excited na akong makatabi siya buong magdamag.

The Beautiful Letdown

It's been a while since I puffed a cigarette under the cover of a dark starry sky while the cool eastern breeze blows in my face, bringing with it the scent of cogon grass coming from the Sierra Madre mountains at 3 am in the morning.

I used to remember before when a classmate would sleepover my place, we would go out at this unholy hour, buy several bottles of San Mig Light at a nearby 7-Eleven store and we'll senti over I lives back in college while my mom and my dad were peacefully upstairs, unaware of our sneak out just to savor a moment we would never enjoy anymore when we leave the university.

Those were the days I used to long when I can remember. It was a time when things were not as complicated as it is today.

---

Looking back, we would aspire for a future that was full of hopes and victories. Of course, I wasn't that sure what life would I lead after I graduate in college but I'm sure it's a blast.

But when I looked up to the sky this morning and remembered my conversations with them about future lives, suddenly a chord was struck in my heart. I used to be a dreamer, an idealist who dreamed of moving a world.

Now, I haven't even moved a single boulder.

---

At the age of 23, I feel that I haven't accomplished a thing. I don't even have a career to be proud of.

Shortly before dad died last February, I was gearing up to return to the advertising industry. Still, being a PR Writer was the best job I've ever had. Especially since I have an ODDER as an office mate, and a superior who is leaning towards our preference.

When I think about the days when I was with them, I've realized that still it wasn't that bad. Even this blog would attest to that.

---

Still, I am absorbing the message that was written in the blog I've read an hour ago. The guy's life should be an inspiration to me, even if I haven't met him yet.

There were countless times that I mentioned here that I would like to have a son one day. A Joem Endymionn that I could be proud to call as my own.

No wonder, when I see kids these days, especially those with relatively fair skin and chinito eyes, I couldn't help but put myself into their parents shoes. I just love the feeling, an imagination that the kid in front of me is my offspring.

---

This afternoon, we have set a meeting again with our supposed partner in business. Whatever comes out of the negotiation, I would again set my foot outside the family business and draw my own future beyond it. This time, I won't look back. I won't even remember that we have a publishing.

When the contract is signed. I would think of it as my voucher for freedom. Whether I land in a call center, or perhaps in an office clerk/communications office position. I promise myself to look into the direction of my own future.

The consequences of things doesn't matter at the moment from now on. All that's important is that we would stand on our own.

Blog Journey

I have a confession to make...

I created a new blog account this afternoon in hopes of further expressing my sentiments, fears and rantings in life without the fear and worry that readers would get bored or react to what I write in Pulsar.

The truth is, I feel like I'm exposing myself too much. And that exposure makes me more unease because I'm afraid that I have to conform to other blogs in order to become more readable, if not too depressing.

These days, I feel that my life of twist and turns. There were times when I wished that I would like to simply deconstruct myself just to claim that I'm new again... or at least, have been born again.

As I write my new entry in that blog, I felt a tinge of liberation engulfing me. I was jubilant because I felt that I have an entire world of my own. I was excited because I could write whatever I wanted to write without anyone reading it. Thus, avoiding any comments or issues that would rise due to the entry.

I found freedom since nobody knows that I exists there... except only me.

But am I happy?

Would it free me from the burdens I am facing right now?

Would isolation and privacy give me peace?

I think not... I guess, in the long run it would just make me feel more alone.

So I'm planning to scrap the idea of keeping a secret blog. After all, it would just divide my momentum in updating this blog. I did tried it once before, but it simply didn't contained me. This blog, which I kept for more than a year now is still my home, my sanctuary...

And the keeper of how valuable, if not colorful my life is...

---

Besides, I'm a sucker for sentimental things and reading this blog allowed me to see how my life went during the past one year.

If only I knew blog way way before, Pulsar could have witnessed my transformation from being a heterosexual to a complete homosexual. It could have written the stanzas of my "love" story with Roy. These pages could have contained some of my [s]excapades the day it happened during day one, and the last time it happened two weeks before I met phanks. It could have recorded my hardships in my relationship with Yul, the downfall of our publishing company, the beginnings of ODDERS and much much more.

This blog could have been a better storyteller of my life. But since I found it later, all that the readers could see now are just parts of it - mostly the sadder and depressing ones that remained.

---

But life does not stop there. Who knows, after this episode, there would be lighter and gayer stories to come.

And it wouldn't happen if I divert all my energies in producing another blog that would act as a shadow of this one.

I think one is enough to be the keeper of my stories. There might be bumpy moments to be written as well as happy ones to cherish for life.

So from now on, I think I would see this blog as just an extension of myself and my thoughts. I won't care anymore if I bare myself here, even if people really read whatever is written. Pulsar would represent not just my political, homosexual and typical life; it would also herald whatever trials I am facing and how I got out of it without destructing oneself too much.

I just hope that somewhere, someone would pick-up my lessons and apply it to their own, if ever those things happen in their lives.

---

Well, this is my life. It may not be the same or as typical as others; it may not be as colorful as some gay lives I know.

What matters is that we continue to write our own life story, so that when time comes when we like to look back at where we came from,

we would always remember...

Bonding With Cousin D

Sinamahan ko si mama pumunta sa bahay ng lola ko ngayong araw.

Sabagay, wala naman rin kasi akong gagawin at ayaw kong pumasok sa opisina kaya pinagpaliban ko na lang ang pagkikita namin ni phanks at ng makita ko rin ang lola kong may katandaan na rin.

Medyo malayo ang byahe at dahil superhighway ang daan namin, umiral na naman ang pagiging basagulero ko kapag nasa kalye.

"hayup yung sasakyang yun! gitgitin mo nga..." automatic na bulalas sa bibig ko sa driver namin. "tarantado to ah, busina ka ng busina, alam mo namang merong mabagal na sasakyan sa harap eh." tuloy pa rin ang talak ko.

Pagdating sa bahay ni lola, dumiretso kaagad kami sa kwarto niya. Hayun, beso-beso, mano-mano at kamusta-kamustahan bago naka-settle si mama at si lola para magbonding-bonding ang mag-ina. Ako naman, nagbukas ng TV para manood ng cartoons sa channel 9.

---

Pagkaraan ng ilang oras, nagsilabasan na rin yung dalawa kong pinsan na nakatira rin dun. Yung isa ay binatilyo na, at mag-fofourth year high-school ngayong taon. Yung isa naman eh may pagka-artistic na nasa second year high-school rin ngayong taong ito.

Dun sa ate nila ako talaga pinaka-close. In fact, sa mga blood relatives ko talaga sa kanya lang ako nag-out tungkol sa bago kong sexual preference. Kasi naman simula pagkabata ay talagang tag-team partners na kami kaya ang tiwala ko sa kanya eh ganung kalalim na lang.

Pero since hindi ko na nga siya nakikita (at hindi na rin ako masyado nakakarelate sa buhay niya) kaya ang madalas kong ka-tropa ngayon ay yung binatilyo niyang utol.

Hetong pinsan kong ito ay talaga naman biniyayaan ni Lord ng kagwapuhan. Matangkad, matangos ang ilong, maganda ang katawan, model-modelan. Pero straight. Bilang kanyang kuya (at naging mentor na rin nitong mga nakaraang mga taon) sa akin siya nag-oopen ng mga bagay bagay tungkol sa nangyayari sa buhay niya.

Kumbaga, parang naging big-brother niya ako ng wala sa oras...

kahit sa totoo, mas type ko maging ati-atihan niya. hehehe

---

Every time na nagkikita kami nitong pinsan kong ito, hindi ko maalis sa isip ko yung isang PExer na openly pinagkakalat niya yung interest niya sa mga junjuning lalaki. As in, minsan nakakashock yung mga hirit at banat niya, kahit na mismong sa akin na medyo naging pervert rin minsan.

Naiisip ko rin yung isang junjunin na kinaibigan ko rin sa PEx dahil nararamdaman ko namang matino yung bata, at alam ko rin namang may potensyal (maging habulin ng bading) kapag naging kasing edad ko na balang araw.

Kumbaga, ako yung naging good guy doon, yung isa naman ang may-sa demonyo na walang reservation ipagmalaki ang libog niya pagdating sa mga bata.

Kapag nakikita ko yung pinsan kong yun, naiisip ko yung struggle namin sa PEx.

---

Sa akin naman kasi, least option ko na lang ang pumatol sa mga bata eh. Ano ba ang mapapala ko sa isang disi-otso o kaya disi-sais? Hindi ko naman feeling maging baby sitter eh. Tsaka base sa experience ko nun, mas boring ka-sex ang bata. Hindi alam kung ano ang ginagawa, kaya noon talaga, mas challenged ako kapag mas matanda ang katapat ko sa kama.

Isa pa, naiisip ko rin na baka kung anong bad-influence pa ang maipakita ko sa isang "bi-curious" na binatilyo kapag nagkataon.

---

Kaninang hapon, inaya ko siyang maglakad-lakad sa labas ng bahay nila para na rin makapag-yosi ako, at malaman kung ano ang nangyayari sa buhay niya.

As usual; ma-gimmick pa rin ang pinsan ko, mahilig mag-party, medyo concerned sa looks niya, at walang inatupag kundi mag-chicks. Grabe nga eh, napipilitan tuloy akong magpaka-straight kapag kasama ko yun, kasi naman walang inatupag kundi mag-babe watching habang naglalakad kami sa loob ng village.

Sa paglalakad namin kanina, medyo napalayo ang ikot namin...

Pumasok kami sa isang subdivison, na dati-rati'y isang malaking palayan lamang na puno ng mga kalabaw at iba pang "farm animals."

Yun ang parang zoo namin noong mga bata pa kami. Doon namin iniikot yung mga bike namin tuwing hapon para pagmasdan ang mga kahayupang nandoon.

Ngayon, isa na siyang medyo big time na community at talaga namang mapapa-wow ka sa ganda ng mga bahay doon.

Sa walk-trip namin, naikwento niya sa akin ang kanyang mga barkada - ang bestfriend niyang straight, yung mga fil-am na model-modelan rin na nililigawan niya, yung mga boobs na pinapangarap niyang dakmain. etc. etc. Kumbaga, nasummarize noong hapong iyon kung ano ang nasa utak ng isang straight, na mismong ako eh hindi ko na maappreciate.

Sabagay, sa edad niyang 17, noong panahon ng kabataan kong yun eh puro aliens at anime lang naman ang nasa utak ko. Sa pagitan ng panliligaw ng tsiks eh mas pipiliin ko pa bumarkada noong mga panahong yun. Kaya heto ako ngayon, medyo kumakapa sa lifestyle na meron siya.

Sa totoo, sikreto kong pinakikinggan kung meron bang hints na may pagka-ano... rin siya, gusto kong malaman kung ano ang nasa isip niya tungkol sa mga gays, lesbians, third sex, etc. ect. Biro ko pa nga sa kanya na baka yung mga pinopormahan niyang mga tsiks eh lesbyana o bisexual pala. Sabi naman niya hindi daw naman, kasi hindi na lang siya magseseryoso manligaw kung bisexual rin naman yung tsik niya.

Kakapasok sa mga kalye sa loob ng subdivision, bigla na lang namin narealize na nawawala na kami. Pero dahil medyo cool lang tong pinsan ko kaya sabi niya, ok lang daw kahit saan kami makarating. Walk-trip lang daw kami.

Eh talagang pahapon na kaya medyo gusto ko na ring bumalik, pero since bihira lang daw siya lumabas at bihira lang naman kami magkakwentuhan tungkol sa buhay niya kaya pinagbigyan ko na rin siya.

Sa paglalakad rin naming yun, doon ko simulang na-appreciate ang pagkabinatilyo niya. Doon ko narealize na kung nilagay ko ang 17 years old na joms sa tabi niya, mukhang hindi kami magkakasundo ng trip. Maari sigurong gayahin ko yung mga trip niya sa buhay, o maaring mag-solo rin lang ako. Pero ganun, iba kami ng mundong kinalakihan. Wala sa kalahati ang confindence na meron ako noon sa confidence na pinapakita niya sa akin ngayon.

Ngunit nang napadaan kami sa tapat ng mga tambay, sabi niya, parang gusto niya umatras. Sabi ko naman, lakad lang kami at ako ang bahala sa kanya. Bigla bigla, nakita ko yung vulnerabilities niya. Sa puntong yun, naramdaman ko na merong mga bagay pa rin na kaya kong harapin noon, na hindi niya mahaharap sa eksenang yun.

Sa pagdaan namin, shempre, sumilip ako kung may cute... pero lakad maangas pa rin ako para di kami pagtripan nung mga tambay. Nung nakarating kami sa may dulo ng subdivision na pinasukan namin, narealize na lang namin na skwater na pala yung nasa labas ng gate. Sa pagtanong tanong ko, nalaman na lang namin na nasa kabilang subdivision na pala kami! Doon sa side malapit sa Sucat.

Gusto ko pa sanang dumiretso, pero takot talaga yung pinsan ko. Kaya tinahak namin ang daan pabalik at nakarating rin kami ng bahay nila bago magdilim.

---

May significance sa akin ang walk-trip naming yun sa subdivision with regards sa buhay na meron ako ngayon.

Alam ko na tumatakbo ang buhay ko ngayon na para bang nasa loob ako ng subdivision na yun; nawawala at hindi alam kung anong direksyon ang tatahakin. Merong mga crossroads doon, na maari naming tahakin patungo kung saan, hindi namin alam. Maraming options sa buhay ko na pwede kong piliin, pero hindi ko alam kung saan ako dadalhin. At nang makarating kami sa dulong dulo, narealize namin na pwede pa kaming dumiretso para tingnan kung saan kami tutungo, pero naisipan naming bumalik para hindi na lalo pang mawala.

Sa takbo ng buhay ko, andaming pwede maging outcomes. Pero sa bandang huli gusto ko lang bumalik sa buhay na tahimik, walang kumplikasyon, at walang masyadong iintindihin. Yun ang buhay ko bago mamatay si papa.

Yun ang simpleng buhay na pinapangarap kong matikman muli sa kabila ng lahat ng kumplikasyong kinasasadlakan namin ngayon.

Raaaaaaaarrrrr!

Wednesday:

miss ko na....

uminom ng beer
pumunta ng malate
tumambay sa kanto ng orosa at nakpil
magboywatching kasama ang sinuman sa odders
magyosi-yosi habang rumarampa sa may new york cafe
magbakla-baklaan kasama si roy
mag-BED!

mag-BED!!

mag-BEDDDD!!!












pero honga pala, 25th monthsary namin ni phanks sa saberday.
shet! umaatikabong digmaan pang-kama na naman to!

Fading In the Dark

This too, shall pass. Like all other trials before it...

---

Bukas makalawa, maaring wala na sa amin ang publishing company ni papa. Sabi nila mama, masyado daw tuso ang aming bagong partner sa trabaho. Akala namin, totoong partnership ang usapan. Akala ko, ito'y isang bagong umaga para sa aming lahat. Pero hindi, sa totoo, ito'y pagsusuko ng aming karapatan bilang mga naiwan sa nagtayo ng kumpanya. Hindi man anino ang labas namin, kami nama'y magiging alila ng bagong mamumuhunan.

Sabi ko nga, kapit sa patalim itong labang to. Kung kami rin lang, wala kaming milyones na pwedeng gawing puhunan para sa kumpanyang yun ni papa. Yun ngang natatanggap ko sa Security Agency niya na mahigit xxx kada kinsenas eh halos napupunta rin lang sa publishing house, paano pa kami? Paano pa ang nanay at utol ko? Paano pa ako makakapaghanda para sa mga maaring pagkagastusan?

Ang mahalaga lang naman kay mama, sabi niya, eh hindi siya habulin ng mga iniwang pinagkakautangan ni papa. Totoo nga naman, yumaman at yumaman siya pero ambon lang ang nalasap namin. Kung hindi ba siya tarantado noon eh, meron na siguro akong sariling pad at sasakyan ngayon.

Pero shempre, tapos na ang pagiging bitter ko, masyadong maraming problemang kailangan harapin para isipin pa ang mga ito.

Balita sa akin, marami na daw sa mga tauhan namin ang nagrereklamo. Pakiramdam nila eh nilalaglag namin ang kapatid ni papa sa negosasyon, kasi kami lang ni mama ang nakasaad na heirs ni Papa, which actually true... pero ang isang ordinaryong tao, maiintindihan ba yun?

Hindi....

Sa sobrang gulo ng balitang dumating sa akin, parang balewala lahat ang mga hirap at sakripisyong ginawa ko kahapon para magkaroon ng advertising proposal ang kumpanya, medyo masakit rin na halos sanlibo ang nawala sa akin para lang ipambayad sa comic artist at network cable para sa computer ha.

At wag ka, galing sa bulsa ko pa yun.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy, mukhang malabo na mabalik sa akin ang dose mil na inutang nila 3 weeks ago sa sabado. Sabagay, talaga namang walang bumabalik na pera, kapag pinahiram mo sa kanila eh.

Nakakabadtrip lang, na marealize na gumuho ang anumang pangarap mong makalaya at lumakas ang kumpanyang, kahit paano eh pinaghirapan mo na rin. Kung ngayon ngang wala pang pirmahan ng kontrata eh nangyayari na ito, paano pa kapag nalagdaan na ang papel?

Anuman ang mangyari, maghahanda ako para meron akong back-up sakaling mawala na ng tuluyan ang kontrol sa amin. Heto rin naman ang ginusto ko nung simula pa lang - kahit kabayaran ang pagkawala ng pamumuno namin, ang mahalaga nandun ang mga tauhan, andun ang jaryo, at higit sa lahat, andun ang pinagsimulan...

...kahit wala na kami.

Before This Thought Dies Too

If you ask me, the only way the media could get back to journalists killers is to unite under a single goal of exposing more its alleged perpetrators. It has always been the media's power to trial someone through publicity, why not they do it again, this time against the very puppetmasters of the hired killers of these newspapermen and broadcasters.

As long as every media organization has its own agenda, and as long as it continues to cling to the government to avoid being blackmailed... (which is actually what Arroyo administration is doing right now in order to save its ass), there will never be justice for these people. Between Erap's and Arroyo's time, I think the press freedom we cherished before is just a figment of one's imagination nowadays.

- Musings after watching the Insider

Money Matters 2 (Don't Read This If You're Filthy Rich)

All those switches in languages left me grasping for words.

---

I finally recieved my salary this afternoon, which I used to pay for bills I postponed paying last week. I thought we were really a goner this time, since the household is just dependent on whatever it recieves from my dad's security agency.

However, what is left of his holdings may not be there tomorrow. I've heard that they were facing some huge financial problems - like those we see in the publishing company. At the same time, I have never seen those companies being that stable ever since.

I never believed that businesses and companies are stable in the first place.

---

After I recieved my salary, my first impulse was to separate my expenses for 15 days from what I can enjoy as my personal money. As I remembered and calculated all my dues, it seems like nothing would remain from that sum of money.

Not even for kikay expense, if there is any...

But before I let go of them, I decided to buy a pair of shoes in Avenida to replace my old one, which has a sole as thin as paper. Don't ask me how much did I bought it... but I have always been known as a cheapskate.

Probably, you'll get an idea on how I spend things for myself with that.

Anyway, I am hoping that the money I lent to the publishing company two weeks ago would be returned to me this week.

If ever that happens, I am pretty confident that I would get out of the red next month.

Good luck to me.

---

Have you ever wished of waking up one morning with the news that someone had deposited 5 million pesos in your bank account?

What would you do with the money? would you tell the world that you're a millionaire, or keep it as a secret until it's too late for people to react to the life changes you had experienced?

Because I've been harboring this thought since last night, after mom and I watched the grand finals of that singing competitions in ABS-CBN, in which a former construction worker from Bohol was declared the champion.

In fairness to him, I rarely appreciate pop idols. But when I heard his voice, I became suddenly awed by his performance.

Pero what if you were in your shoes, what if you wake up one morning 5 million richer than you once a day before? how would you live your life?

---

Perhaps, the main impulse of people would be to splurge here, there and everywhere. Perhaps they would give some part of the amount to charity or balato relatives and close neighbors in the community. I think this is the Filipino culture, this is what typical pinoys would do with such huge sums of cash...

No wonder, in less than three years most of the money you've got from some prize show or something were all gone, thanks to those endless splurging and giving assistance to others.
But for me, I think I know by now how would I spend it... probably I know how would I put it on something so that it would grow and prosper, not just get out without having something in return.

You see, when you know how to keep money, you would never simply splurge on things that would give you any return.

If I knew one morning that someone deposited 5 million in my account, I'd most likely keep it a secret so that no pesky relative, or neighbor would ask me for a balato or something. Probably, I'd tell it to my mom's sister, who is the most affluent and most practical in the family to have some sound financial advises on how I would use that money... but like I've said, I won't tell anyone. If I am gracious, perhaps with our workers, they would just recieve an envelope with probably 3k on it as balato - but of course, I won't tell them that I am an instant millionnaire.

Instead of diverting those funds to my dad's ailing companies, I would secretly buy a house and a car, which I would probably name to my sister to secure my mom of a future we never have today. Forget all the creditors that pursues my dad, this time they would get nothing from us.

Lastly, probably I won't splurge that much to charity. I might give some, but not too much for people to notice. I think silent and sincere prayers of thanks would be enough. There would never be any fanfare, celebrations, or PR of some kind if ever that happens.

Whatever remains from all those security-building measures I did with my 5 million would be deposited in several banks to ensure ourselves that we would have something to run into in case of emergencies. After all, nothing is certain so at least, we would have something to prepare in case of some unforseen things that would pose a threat to our quiet lifestyle.

Ang sarap rin mangarap minsan, kahit na gising...

... But yeah, it's just a daydream and nothing else.

Back to the real world joms. There are a lot of things to bum around for tomorrow.

Kwentong Malars

Naidlip ako matapos ko isulat ang makabagbag-damdaming entry ko kanina. Palibhasa'y pagod at shocked pa rin sa nangyaring negosasyon kanina kasama ang aming partner kaya hayun, humiga lang ako ng kama, at nang magising ako ay pasado alas-nuwebe na.

At dahil suot ko pa rin ang damit panlabas ko, reading-ready pa rin ako maglakwatsa sakali mang may ODDER na magtawag ng contingent. Eh kaso mo, wala... at mukhang lahat ng baklitang kilala ko eh busi-busyhan ngayon gabi. Kaya hayun, bagsak ang beauty ko sa may kanto ng kalye namin, naghihithit ng Malboro Green habang nag-iisip kung sino ang pwede tawagan para may kasama akong rumampa.

Pero pramis, nagdadalawang isip talaga akong umalis. Kasi ba naman limandaan na lang ang pera ko sa ATM. At the same time, iniisip ko rin kung ano ba ang gagawin ko sa Malate - ayoko namang tumunganga dun na parang tanga habang lahat ng nasa paligid ko eh walang inatupag kundi magchismax ng kung sino sinong bading na hindi ko naman kilala. Higit sa lahat, hindi naman ako kekerengkeng para magpatambay tambay dun. Gusto ko lang naman magsayaw dahil feeling ko eh tumaba na naman ako, yun lang.

---

Tinawagan ko si Paldeng para sana ayain lumabas. Eh kaso mo, merong lakad kinaumagahan kaya hindi pwede. Buti na lang, bago ako pumasok ulit ng bahay at magbihis ng sleeping wear eh biglang nagtext sakin ang ever kumare ko in crime na si Roy. Mukhang badtrip sa lalaki niya, kaya hayun ako ang pamalit.

Palibhasa'y atat na atat akong mag fly-away palayo ng bahay kaya super paalam kaagad ako sa aking mudra para makaalis. Nung una, kala ko haharangin na naman ako ng aking sister (totoong sister to ha), Buti na lang at walang masyadong sagabal sa pagpapaalam ko kaya madali naman akong nakalayas.

Pagdating sa Malate, natagpuan ko ang baklita sa MyPad na nagbabasa tungkol sa bodybuilding sa PEx. Sabagay, mukhang seryoso talagang magpaganda ng katawan ang aking kumare kaya naman hayu't hindi ko mapilit mag-log out para rumampa na kami ng Orosa.

Bandang hatinggabi eh nagbayad na rin siya ng rental. Habang naglalakad, kwento-kwento tungkol sa kanyang date na balak siyang isama sa isang orgy sa may Pasay habang nagbo-boy watching kami sa lungga ng mga bakla.

Totoo ang sabi nila na ang Malate noon ay hindi na ang malate ngayon. Marami na sa mga kilala namin ay mukhang nagtago na, kung hindi naman, nagtransform na sa kung anong anyo na talaga namang hindi na namin makikilala kapag nakasalubong namin ngayon.

Tsismis nga ni Roy, meron siyang naka-jug na lalaki na dumaan sa harap namin. Sabi niya, noon daw, asti-astigin pa yung guy na yun, pero nung nakita namin kanina eh wala talagang tatalo sa kagandahang lumakad ng bakla.

Hay ganun siguro talaga ang buhay, habang napapasabak ka queer culture na ginagalawan mo, pati takbo ng utak at kilos mo nagbabago. Naalala ko pa nung dati, kumakaripas ako ng takbo papasok ng La Dida sa takot na baka may makakilala sa akin. Ngayon, ako pa ang nakikipagbeso-beso sa mga badiday na akala ko eh straight noon, eh yun pala kalahi ko rin pala.

---

Bandang ala-una, sabi ko kay Roy na papasok na ako ng BED. Heto kasing si Roy eh talaga namang pa-demure ang drama sa buhay. Hinding hindi mo maaaya sumayaw sa club kaya hayun, apat na taon na kaming magkatropa pero pagdating sa paraan ng gimmick eh ibang-iba kami ng trip.

Hinatid ko si kumare sa sakayan at pagbalik, nakita ko si Marvin na isa naming ka-tropa na patakbo sa akin. Paglapit niya, kaagad na nagyakapan kami sa gitna ng Orosa na akala mo eh kami lang ang tao dun. Yun pala eh kasama niya yung bago niyang boylet na pumalit sa ex niya na bri-neak niya two weeks ago, na ex ko rin two years ago at ex rin ng isa pa naming barkada pagkatapos ko . Ang saya ng eksena diba? Imagine nagwarlahan pa kami nung tropa kong yun nung January matapos kong malaman na tinuhog rin pala siya ni ex, pero nung namatay ang aking fadir at nung nagcondolence siya sa akin, nagbati na rin kami.

Sabagay, sa ganito namang buhay eh pwede mo pagpalit ang boylet sa kaibigan mo eh. Mas mahirap ata humanap ng tropa na hindi ka gagahasain ah! Siguro, sa tinagal tagal namin, kahit paano masasabi ko rin naman na respetado ako ni Marvin, kaya hanggang ngayon eh isa pa rin siya sa aking mga closest sisterette.

Anyweis, hindi na rin nagtagal ang tsikahan namin ni Marvina kasi naman atat na atat na talaga akong pumasok ng BED. Sabagay, kahit siya eh baka hinahanap na rin ng boylet niya kaya nagpaalam na rin ako.

Ang buhay nga naman... nung nandito pa si Omeng sa Pinas, hindi nangyayari sa amin ang ganito, hindi kami gumigimik na kanya-kanya at hindi lumalampas ang isang linggo na walang pagsasalo na dadaluhan. Sabagay, everything changes ika nga. Hindi mo rin naman masisisi ang mga tao kung bakit hindi na nagsusulputan tuwing may nagtatawag ng Contingent. Bukod sa nagkakatamaran na eh iba iba na rin ang priorities ng karamihan...

---

Pagdating sa BED, diretso ako kaagad sa CR para mag-refresh ng fez. Sa sobrang init ng panahon ngayon, kahit gabi eh dudugyutin ka pa rin sa dami ng pawis na lumalabas sayo.

Habang papalabas ako ng CR eh may nakita akong foreigner na talaga namang titingalain mo sa sobrang tangkad. Ok na sana ang katawan, pero sablay ang buhok dahil naka-pony tail. Dahil dun, every time na nakikita ko siya kanina kasama ang kanyang date na mukhang si Panchito, naiisip ko na parang nakita ko na rin si Conan The Barbarian. Yun nga lang, barbarian rin kaya ang putotoy niya? Hehehe.

---

Everytime na nasa BED ako, ang lagi kong sinasayawan eh yung elevated portion na katapat ng ledge. Ewan ko ba, pero kapag dun ako sa dance floor sumasayaw eh parang burat na burat ako palagi.

So sayaw sayaw na ako hanggang sa dumami na ang tao. Mukhang gabi may pageant sa BED ngayong sabado kasi sobrang nagkalat ang effem sa BED, hindi gaya minsan. Karamihan sa kanila, mga junjunin na akala mo eh kagandahan at talaga namang lumilipad ang mga kamay kapag sumasayaw. Meron namang mga mukhang maestra na pag tumili eh kala mo makakabasag ng San Miguel Light na iniinom mo.

In fairness naman, sa kabila ng mga nasa-sight kong mga kagandahan sa loob ng bar, eh meron rin namang katakam-takam (at nakaka-inggit ang mga katawan) sa kanila. Yun talaga, mapapakamot ka ng ulo dahil hindi mo maiisip na yung mga model-modelan na yun eh lalaki rin pala ang hilig.

Ang badtrip nga lang, hanggang tingin ka lang sa kanila. Heto ang maganda kapag kapangitan rin naman ang katawan mo, at mababa ang self esteem mo sa sarili mo... kahit paano mahihiya kang dumikit sa kanila at baka sabihin eh nangtsatsansing ka lang. Sabagay, noon kasi badtrip rin ako kapag merong bading na mukhang ewan na bigla na lang mangyayapos sayo tapos magfefeeling na kunyari kayo ang magpartner. Yun ang nakakainis eh, kaya kahit kelan maingat ako pag nagaapproach ng mga lalaki kapag nagcru-cruise ako noon.

---

Habang kumakapal ang tao, di ko na rin naiwasang hindi tumingin tingin kung saan saan. Sabi ko nga, masarap lang tumingin ng whammy kasi nakakabusog sa mata. Pero landian wise, tatamaan ako ng kidlat kapag ginawa ko talagang maglandi sa mga yun.

Ako etong tumatakas sa aking buddy para magsolo gumimik tapos pati tiwala niya eh sisirain ko rin. No way na lang, madami pang panahon para umisip makipag-jug kung kani-kanino. Tama na muna itong iisa lang. Ayoko rin namang gawin niya sa aking yun.

Anyway, sa pagmamasid ko eh parang may natanaw akong kakilala. Alam ko siya yun, kahit hindi pa kami personal na nagkikita. Napansin ko siya kasi pamilyar sa akin yung kanyang balbas-sarado. Andun siya sa baba ng ledge, humahataw sa pagsasayaw.

Ilang beses ko rin tinawag ang pangalan niya, pero dedma lang. So kahit masakit mang iwanan ang trono ko sa platform (at agawin ng impostor na iba na walang inatupag kundi magyosi yosi dun at magpose pose instead na sumayaw), napilitan rin akong bumaba para kilalanin siya.

"Are you McVie the blogger?" tanong ko.

Nung una, hindi niya masyadong narinig yung tanong ko pero dun pa lang, alam kong kilala niya na ako dahil sa positive response na binigay niya sa akin.

In the end, nagkaroon ako ng instant eyeball. Usap usap kami ng konti, pero dahil hindi naman kami ganung magka-blogmate pa kaya bumalik rin ako sa aking platform matapos nun.

Mukhang nagkataon na parehong gabi kami nagpunta ng BED, kaya hayun nagkaroon kaagad ako ng instant friend.

Nalaman ko na lang na meron pala siyang isa pang kasamang blogger na nandun. Talaga atang sinadya ng pagkakataon na magkita kita ang mga magkaka-connect sa blog ah! At hindi lang yun ha, meron kaming iisang tao na talagang inaabangan dun. In fairness naman dun sa inaabangan namin, eh talaga namang nakakamangha ang kanyang journal dito sa blog. Kaya na rin nagkaroon ng karagdagan sa aking lenggwahe eh dahil rin sa kanya.

Ilang sandali pa bago ako tumungo sa bar area para humingi ng tubig sa bar, eh may napansin akong isang guy na pamilyar rin sa akin.

Heto, ilang buwan ko na ring inaabangan ang mga entries sa blog niya kahit hindi pa kami ganung nagkikita... ganito kasi sa blog eh, kahit hindi mo pa personal na nakikita ang isang binabasa mong journal eh parang antagal tagal niyo nang magkakilala. Kaya nung naabutan ko siya, lapit kaagad ako sabay hawak sa balikat niya.

"Are you...?" Tanong ko.

"What?" Reply niya with an accented voice.

Siguro dahil sa dilim sa dance floor kaya hindi niya ako kaagad namukhaan, pero nung nalaman niya na ako pala yun, bigla kaming nag-hug na akala mo eh matagal na kaming tropa tropa.

Sa unang pagkakataon, na-meet ko rin si Felipe! At hindi lang yun, kasama pa niya ang kanyang bagong pope!

Kagaya rin ni McVie, isang tao lang ang inaabangan namin. Nakakatuwang isipin na dahil lang sa isang entry niya eh na-inspire kaming mag-abang abang at umasang baka sakaling isa siya dun sa mga bading na nasa loob ng BED. Biro ko pa nga sa kanila, baka yung inaabangan naming yun eh nasa Red Banana para ma-sight si Duke. Pero who knows nga naman, baka nga isa dun sa mga lalaking katabi namin eh siya pala yun.

---

Matapos ang pagkikita naming tatlo, bumalik na muli ako sa aking trono para sumayaw. Sa pagmamasid, narealize ko na yung katabi ko palang malaking bading eh mukhang hip-hopper na basagulero.

Naalala ko tuloy yung reaction namin ni Roy nung gabi ring yun na may dumaan sa harap naming hip-hop ang get-up at papunta sa nagkukumpulang mga tsiks at kapwa hip-hop niya dun sa isang bar sa Orosa. Naisip namin, paano kaya kung yung mukhang basag-ulong yun na malaki ang t-shirt at malaki ang pantalon at semi-kal ang buhok eh biglang sa BED nagpunta at naghihirit ng "Mader, mader" habang palapit sa kanyang mga tuklingin friends.

Nakakashock pagmasdan siguro yun.

---

Bukod pa dun sa mukhang hip-hop na malaking mama na katabi ko, napansin ko rin yung dalawang guys na nadaanan ko sa may ledge habang papalapit kay McVie.

Napatingin ako sa kanila before kasi yung isa sa guy eh kabuhok ni Asi Taulava, tapos narinig ko pang tinanong nung medyo effem na kasama niya kung bakit nag-a OUT si Taulava guy sa kanya.

Napag-isip isip ko later on na bakit kelangan pa niya mag-OUT samantalang sa loob pa lang ng BED eh putok na putok na bading siya talaga.

Nung nakita ko sila afterwards, nagtotorrid kissing na. At mukhang si Asi Taulava guy eh excited na excited pasukin si effem friend niya base sa porma at kilos ng pagsasayaw nila.

---

Sumayaw saya pa ako ng kaunti pero nagpaalam na rin ako nung napansin kong medyo nagiging mae-elya na ang mga bading sa loob.

Delikado kasi para sa akin ang maiwang nag-iisa lang kasi naman talagang nakakapang-init (kung hindi man nakakainggit) ang mga eksenang nakikita mo. Kaya hayun, nag-goodbye ako kay McVie na humahataw na ngayon sa ledge sabay exit ako ng BED nang hindi man lang lumilingon para iwas temptation.

Paglabas ng bar, dumaan ako sa may tapat ng Red Banana.

Actually, nung pagdating pa lang namin ni Roy dun, wala na akong inatupag kundi mag-sight ng tatlong bading; isang mukhang pastor na military at isang chabelita kasama ang isang di naman katangkaran pero pa-mhin na bading. Umaasa talaga ako, siguro gaya ni McVie at Felipe na... andun sana si Badinggerzie sa Orosa kaninang gabi...

Gumagawa ng eksena na siyang magiging headline ng blog niya isa sa mga araw na susunod.

Musings On A Cloudy Saturday Evening

We just got home.

The supposed to be contract signing between the new "partner" and us didn't push through. As our lawyer had suggested, there are words in the contract that should be rephrased. There was also this eksena moment when my aunt failed to contain her feelings, which she later bursted into tears.

I never thought that business negotiations are this complicated. I have always envisioned this one as a signing full of hopes and pleasantries.

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We were caught off-guard when the partner had stipulated in the document that he is actually buying the name of the newspaper. Even I, who was usually apathetic and supportive of this merging had felt a jolt when I read the document.

Sabagay, we were given warnings before that having a partner would be a real pain in the ass. I knew its implications before we have even set a meeting with him.

But what is our choice? We don't have the necessary financial and political will to continue such endeavors - and our partner is the one who have those two things.

I even heard some rumors that we sold everything to the devil just to get out of the problems my dad has left... but never did they realize that we surrendered ourselves, our dignity so that they might have a chance of going on...

Even at the cost of our own shadows.

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Alam ko na pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, mawawalan kami ng control sa kumpanyang yun. Maaring sa huli, tuta ang maging kalabasan namin. Pero ganito talaga eh, kapit sa patalim. Hindi mo man gagawin yun, mawawala pati legacy na iniwan ng tatay ko.

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Tired and exhausted, we have decided to set the signing on Wednesday so that the lawyers could get over and revise the document.

As for me, I am planning to go out tonight probably to mingle with the gay people in Malate, perhaps to celebrate the certainty that I would not have to shed my own personal money so that the business could operate.

At the same time, I would like to drown myself in beer, to grieve for our lost and influence now that a deal will have to be closed.

This is a two-way world indeed.

And this is our only logical choice.

Threesome

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