Take A Final Bow

Nakakapanlambot man isipin, pero tinaggap ko na ang katotohanan na baka bukas makalawa, wala na ang aming negosyong jaryo.

Ilang buwan na rin simula nung iniwan ni papa ang negosyo sa amin. Hindi ko akalain na ang iniwanan kong business walong buwan na halos ang nakakaraan ay higit pang lumubog sa putikan na kinasasadlakan namin ngayon.

Noong isang linggo lang, halos kalahati ng ipon ko ang nawala sa akin matustusan lang ang operations ng kumpanya para sa isang araw. Sabi ko, hindi ko na kaya tumanggap ng ganun kalaking damage,

financially at mentally.

Ilang araw ko rin akong naging depressed at nawalan ng gana pumasok dahil doon. Hanggang ngayon, dala dala ko pa rin ang trauma ng pagsusuko mo ng perang pinaghirapan mong itago, para sa isang bagay na hindi mo alam kung balang araw ba ay mapapakinabangan mo o hindi.

Sadya lang talaga nakakapagod minsan.

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Nagpasama ako kay Paldeng sa megamall upang tingnan yung job fair na ginanap doon nitong tatlong araw.

Bibit ang limang resume, sinuyod ko ang mga call center booths dun upang pag aralan kung kaya ko ba ang trabaho nila, at kung ako ba ay karapat dapat na maging kandidato bilang isa sa mga empleyado nila.

Sa muli, nagpasa ako ng resume sa People Support, Sykes, Daksh at Convergys. Nagpasa rin ako ng resume sa K-Search (kung anuman yun), Accenture and Alorica. Umaasa ako na sana maging effective ang resume na pinadala ko ngayon. Hindi ko na kasi alam kung masesecure pa ba kami ng mga naiwang kumpanya ni papa, o kelangan ko muling tumayo para sa aming tatlo.

Mabuti na ang may safety net.

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Sa totoo, sikreto muli ang lakad kong ito.

Una sa lahat, hindi approve kay mama na i-divert ang atensyon ko sa iba habang nandito ako't nakatayo sa pedestal ni papa.

Ikalawa, hindi ko alam kung paano ieexplain sa mga tao kung bakit namasukan ako sa iba habang ako ang tinuturing na pinuno nila.

Para sa akin, higit na mabigat itong desisyong ito. Kanina pa lang, unti unti ko nang nararamdaman ang pressure at panlulumo habang nakikipagunahan ako sa mga kasing edad ko na naghahanap rin ng trabaho.

Ayaw ko sanang dumating sa punto na magiging desperado muli ako gaya nung isang taon, alam kong mahirap ito pero hindi ko kaya ang sitwasyon namin sa opisina.

Security ko ang pera, at para makuha ko ang objective na yun, ang paghahanap ng extrang trabaho ang nakikita ko lang na dahilan.

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Simula noong tinanggap ko ang realization na anumang pera meron ako ay pera ng kumpanya, pati personal na gastos ko, unti unting tinapyas ko sa aking sistema. Hindi ko na matandaan kung kelan ako bumili ng bagong pantalon, at brief... gustuhin ko man, ayaw kong isugal ang perang hawak ko.

Noong isang araw, naging nostalgic ako habang kumakain ng McChicken galing sa Mcdo na dala ni mama. Sabi ko sa kanya, mahigit isang taon na rin ata mula ng huling kumain ako ng ganito. Sa sobrang pagtitipid, ni life's simple pleasures hindi ko na maenjoy.

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Pero shempre, nilalabanan ko yun. Hindi man ako makabili ng maraming bagay, basta pang gimmick at pang BED, nakabukod na sa budget ko. Pati rin ang internet card at ang pang-load ko kay Phanks, kasama na sa mga gastusin ko.

Sa totoo, enjoy na ako ng ganito. Mukhang pobre pero handa sa anumang emergency. Nakakainis man at nakakadepress minsan, pero sadyang heto ata ang buhay na binigay sa akin.

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Ngayong hapon, tinawag ako para sa initial interview ko sa Convergys.

Habang pinagmamasdan ako ni Paldeng, hindi ko lubos maitago ang hiya ko sa pagitan ng mga ngiting ipinapakita ko sa kanya.

Sa loob loob ko, nagtatanong ang puso ko kung ano ba itong pinasok ko.

Sa pilit na accented na ingles na ginamit ko sa mga tanong, sa pagpapacute na ginawa ko sa interviewer, tinatanong ng sarili ko kung bakit ako nagpapakababa ng ganito.

Mula sa pagiging boss hanggang sa pagiging trabahador muli, ganito ba ang pagtanggap ng gusto kong mangyari sa aking buhay? Kung sana ang nangyari ay lumipat ako mula sa isang kumpanya patungo sa isa, madali sana... ngunit eto? Kaya ko ba to?

Matapos ang interview, sinabi ng interviewer namin na kami'y magintay upang tanggapin ang resulta ng aming interview. Alam ko, mali mali ang mga sagot ko. Handa na sana ako upang harapin ang kauna-unahang pagkatalo ko sa job-hunting season na ito.

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Sa kabila ng matinding tibok ng dibdib ko, at pagprepretend na dry run lang ito. Andun ang takot na baka ma-turn down lang ako. Sa pagitan ng mataimtim na paghiling na sana pasok ako, at pagmumuni muni sa mga ginagawa ko, isa lang ang naging sagot ng utak ko.

para sa kanila...

Bumalik muli ang aming interviewer, na nagbigay ng isang pirasong papel na nagsasaad ng aming verdict.



Dear Mr. Phanksmaster

We are happy to inform you that you have successfully passed the interview stage of the selection process of Convergys Corporation

You are scheduled for a computer-based assessment on ______________


Napayuko man ako sa hamon ng buhay, nawa'y maging heto ang battlecry ko sa mga marami pang labang haharapin ko sa mga susunod na mga linggo.

Heto ang aking laban.

@ Downelink (Part Deux)

Ewan ko ba kung bangag lang ako, o namamalikmata, o walang magawa sa buhay kaya nagkakaroon ng mga ilusyon, pero feeling ko, kapag si James at Jonas nagkaroon ng anak na lalaki at naging 27 years old yung anak nilang yun, maaring ganito ang hitsura niya pag nagkataon.



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Sa di ko malamang dahilan, bakit parang me hawig yata senyo tong guy na to?

@ Downelink

Tatlong araw na ang nakakaraan simula nung i-activate ko yung downelink account ko. At sa tatlong araw na yun, hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ako sa tuwa, o mabubusog ng husto ang mata ko sa sobrang daming whammy na nakita ko sa community na yun.

Kahit noong single pa ako't pokpok, di ako nagkaroon ng opportunity para makasali sa ganun kalupit na community, siguro nga, mabuti na lang at ngayon lang nagkaroon ng ganito, kung hindi siguro noon pa lang bumalik na yung pinakatago tagong may-pagka inferiority complex ko.

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Simula pa nung high-school, basta pag dinefine ko ang isang panget, kasama ang sarili ko dun. Kaya nga ba naging late bloomer ako kasi the whole time, inaasa ko ang diskarte ko sa iba. Noon, mula pananamit hanggang sa porma, kopyado ko mula sa tropang kinabibilangan ko. Bilib na bilib pati ako sa mga nakikilala kong lalaki na medyo swabe ang dating at mataas ang tiwala sa sarili.

Paano kasi, hindi ko naranasan magkaroon ng ganung klaseng tiwala sa sarili ko noon.

Tanda ko pa yung mga poems at mga sinulat ko tungkol sa pagiging unattractive ko. Ilang beses ko rin pinagdusahan ang ganung klaseng pagtingin ko sa sarili ko - na kahit iba eh nalalakasan sa appeal ko, ako mismo sinusuka ko ang sarili ko. Naalala ko tuloy si Anne, yung ka-phonepal ko nung third year college. Sabi ko sa kanya bago kami mag-eyeball na di ako ganung kagwapong lalaki. Nagkataon pa na nagdala ako ng dalawang entourage na tropa na talaga namang malalakas ang dating. Kaya hayun, nakipag-eyeball akong parang ewan, nung kinagabihan ang kinausap na nung ka-eyeball ko eh yung mga kasama ko.

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At ngayong tinapat ko sa nagwagwapuhang PLU ang sarili kong profile sa downlink, parang pakiramdam ko, kinakain na naman ako ng inferiority complex kong yun. Oo, masarap magview ng mga profile ng iba (at kainggitan ang kagwapuhan at kagandahan ng katawan na meron sila) pero sa isang banda, parang lalong bumababa ang tingin ko sa sarili ko.

Kanina, napansin ni phanks habang kami ay nagkukuhaan ng picture gamit ang webcam ng isang internet cafe na parang ilag ako sa camera. May mga nabitawan siguro akong salita laban sa akin na siyang kina-depress ng buddy ko.

Sa akin balewala lang yun. Sanay na akong pinapababa ang sarili ko eh, pero mukhang siya eh hindi. Nagtext si phanks sakin bago matulog. Ito'y tungkol sa paglait ko sa sarili ko habang lumalabas ang pics ko sa screen.



"may napansin lang po ako sau, sasabihin ko po sana sau un kc po nasasaktan din po ako sa nakita ko kanina... wag mo po i-down ung pagkatao mo. tandaan mo po na di sa pisikal na kaanyuan ng isang tao makikita ung kabutihan at pagmamahalan kundi sa kung anu po ung ugali meron siya 2lad mo po.... Mas lalo po kita minahal dahil sa natunghayan ko kanina habang kinukunan kita ng picture. para sa akin may itsura ka at d lang nakita ng marami.."



Nakakatuwang isipin na sa buddy ko pa manggagaling hetong mga katagang ito samantalang mas malakas ang appeal niya sa akin. Minsan, nakakasurprise pa rin ang pagiging malalim at malawak ng isipan ng pangga ko kahit na paminsan minsan eh marami kaming di napagkakasunduang mga bagay bagay.

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Matapos ang maikli at masenting pagmumuni-muning ito'y ako ay babalik muli sa downlink upang magpakasawa sa mga profile ng pagka-cute cute na mga lalaking katulad ko "hilig". Masakit man tingalain ang kanilang pangangatawan at kakisigan... nagbabakasakali pa rin ako na sana pagdating ko ng bente sais,

ganun na rin kaganda ang katawan ko.

Guessing Game Closing

At nagtatapos na po ang ating Guessing Game, heto po ang results.

Tennister, who guessed 6 songs is the champion, and he'll recieve a nice porn complements of Quiapo CPC.

James, who guessed 3 songs is the second runner up, and for that he'll recieve the Beach House Compilation sponsored by UM Unlimited


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1. Paula Cole - I Don't Wanna Wait - Tennister
2. Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 - Tennister (Tonight Tonight)
3. Sarah Mclachlan - Answer
4. Howie Day - Collide
5. Shawn Mullins - Lullaby - Tennister
6. Goo Goo Dolls - Name - Tennister (Here Is Gone)
7. Michelle Branch - One of These Days
8. Five For Fighting - Easy Tonight/Jainy
9. Dishwalla - Somewhere in the Middle/Opaline
10. Blink 182 - Adam's Song
11. Rachel Yamagata - Gone
12. Imago - Akap - Lei
13. Spongecola - Lunes - Garppp
14. Our Lady Peace - Somewhere Out There - Lei
15. Eraserheads - Magasin - Tennister (Minsan/Ligaya)
16. Rivermaya - Bring Me Down - Garppp (Shattered Like)
17. Yano - Esem - Garppp
18. Vertical Horizon - You're A God - Tennister (Best I've Ever Had)
19. D'Sound - People are People
20. The Sundays - When I'm Thinking About You

===

Thanks for joining guys, the songs were pre-chosen already and it was posted here under the nick Krafty.

The Long Dry Spell

You'd live a life connected to the computer. You'd sleep at around 4 to 5 am in the morning and then you'd wake up in the afternoon. The first thing you do is check your phone for messages, if not, pray to God that everything's all right at the office.

Ever since the company got half of my savings, I had this sort of loosing confidence whenever I go to work. It's like tinatamad na akong pumasok sa trabaho or something like that, kundi naman, I'd think of looking for an extra job to support the expenses at home and in the company.

Looking at the way I live now, I think I don't have any remarkable difference with regards to the conditions of our employees. Imagine, I'd get to budget my 100 for phanks and me only to beg pamasahe to mama the following day. Whenever I am short of budget, I'd resort to walking, feeling how my shoes held on since it would surely breakdown in just several weeks. Kahit nga ata basic necessities, di ko na maafford eh. Except of course the gimmick, I'd be willing to compromise myself just to attend one of the contingents.

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Anyway, I think I am already a part of the majority who suffers the sever economic depression happening to our country nowadays. Mama would always complain about how the car consumes more fuel that what she had anticipated. She would even tell me not to open the TV and the computer at the same time since our electric bill charges us with an equally horrendous amount. If the VAT and the additional jeepney fare would push thru, I guess we would rather close the business than suffer even more with the looming crisis. I think this is too much, with such conditions... I cannot already see any bright future ahead of us.

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My Aunt told me that we're not the only ones suffering.

All newspaper publications cry out for mercy from the rising operational expenses. I heard from our entertainment editor that several companies had instituted a cash advance scheme of payment since they cannot afford to pay their staff. Others resorted to mass layoffs, which left tens of journalists without jobs.

I said to my aunt... "unahan na lang to kung sino ang unang tutupi." Of course, we might consider ourselves one of the candidates, however we do have a fighting chance pa rin kahit paano. We need investors pero choosing one is like picking up a boyfriend among several promising suitors.

Bahala na siguro kung paano. I guess I'd push for applying for an extra job to support our growing expenses. I really hate it when I'm placed in a situation where I can't find a secure door out. Right now, I'm more pressured to survive with my family... even at the price of loosing everything my dad ever have.

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I'm hooked with Downelink. Kasi naman si RC eh, binanggit pa sakin nung friday kaya tuloy gumawa na rin ako ng profile.

Never seen a site where I can find a lot and I mean a horde of goodlooking guys who shares my trip. Sayang nga lang, I'm in a relationship and my confidence level is absolutely below the minimum line kaya hayun, hanggang tingin tingin na lang ako.

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Lastly, I find this habit of mine quite amusing.

Whenever I get really depressed or have this feeling of optimism, I'd look up in the sky to find some blue spots or a star over there. I'd spend several minutes enjoying that moment even if other people would find me weird or unusual.

Sometimes, finding a star or a blue spot on a cloudy day brings out some hope in me... that despite the odds I have to face, despite the seemingly hopelessness of the situation, as long as there is something in me that continues to dream and appreciate those little things in life, I'm still living. I am still surviving the fight.

Near End Experience

Kung medyo naging matigas lang siya kaninang madaling araw, marahil single na ako ngayon.

As usual nag-away na naman kami ni Phanks. Siguro dala na rin ng devastation na natamo ko sa mga balitang galing sa opisina kaya hayun, pagdating ng gabi at nung nalaman ko na pinagpalit niya ang pagbisita niya sakin dito sa bahay sa aya nung ka-officemate niya na gumimik sila, napikon na ako.

Ganun naman kasi eh, minsan medyo maypagka-insensitive rin yung buddy ko, at the same time di ko talaga maiwasan hindi magselos dun sa officemate niyang yun kahit ilang beses pa niya ako iassure na kaibigan niya yun.

So, ilang oras ko rin siya di tinext noong gabi. Gusto ko kasing subukan kung kaya ko ba siyang tikisin o hindi eh. Mag-aalas onse na nun nang bigla siyang nagtext at nagsabing ok naman daw siya sa gimik niya. Sa loob loob ko di ko naman tinatanong kung ano ba ang kalagayan niya eh. Sobrang badtrip ko nung mga oras na yun kaya nung nagtext muli siya at nagsabing hangad niyang makitulog sa amin, humirit kaagad akong magpahatid na lang siya sa kasama niya at umuwi ng bahay.

Matapos kong isend yun alam kong tinapatan na niya ang galit ko. Nagrespond siyang bahala daw ako sa gusto kong mangyari, kaya't pagkatapos nun ay hindi ko na rin siya tinext back.

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Hatinggabi, nakita ko na naman ang sarili kong nagchachat sa MirC. Nitong mga nakaraang araw matapos ang aming second anniversary, ewan ko ba pero paranghinahanda ko na ang sarili ko sa maaring break-up namin ni phanks . Siguro, tutal nakadalawang taon na naman kami kaya ok na yun para sa isang relasyon. Isa pa, sa dami ng iniisip kong doubts tungkol sa aming dalawa, parang hindi na rin ako gaanong nanghihinayang kung isang araw, biglang sabihin niyang wala na kami. Kaya siguro ganun ganun na lang ang conditioning na ginagawa ko sa sarili ko.

Pero bandang ala-una, hindi rin ako nakatiis. Pinilit ko siyang tawagan para i-check kung nasaan na siya. Nakakagulat ha, hindi ko rin pala kayang tiisin ang buddy ko - kaya hayun, bukod sa ilang beses rin niyang dina-drop yung tawag ko, nakatanggap rin ako ng katakot takot na text galing sa kanya na naglalaman ng sama ng loob niya dahil dun sa tinext ko sa kanya nung gabi rin yun.

At nauwi pa lalo sa isang matinding sagutan sa text ang akin sanang attempt upang suyuin siya nung isang gabi.

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Bandang alas-dos, sinubukan kong muli siyang tawagan. Alam kong wala na siyang masasakyan pauwi sa kanila, kaya't nang sinagot niya muli ang phone, ang nasabi ko lang sa kanya eh magtaxi na siya pauwi samin... kahit ako na ang magbayad masigurado ko lang na hindi na siya mamromroblema umuwi sa kanila.

Siguro, sadyang ganun lang talaga ako magmahal... siguro ganun talaga pag mahal mo at mahalaga sayo ang isang tao, kahit galit ka na't inis sa kanya, may parte pa rin ng utak mo ang gumagana at nag-iisip kung paano mo maipaparamdam ang concern mo't pag-aalala sa tao na yun.

Pero nagmatigas pa rin ang loko. Sabi niya, uuwi siya ng bahay nila dahil hindi rin naman daw siya nagpaalam at wala na akong pakielam kung ano man ang mangyari sa kanya.

Bilang tugon, nasabi ko na lang na "bahala ka" sabay bagsak ng phone at tuloy sa pag-iisip nang kung ano ang maaring mangyari sa susunod na araw.

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Sa mga oras na yun, tanging ang nasa isip ko lang ay paano ihahanda ang sarili ko sa deklarasyon kong wala na kami ngayong araw. Plano ko talagang siguraduhin lang siyang makauwi, patulugin hanggang tanghali, at pagdating ng hapon sabihin sa kanya ang aking pamamaalam.
Alam ko na kung ano ang dahilan ko para bitawan siya, pero sa loob loob ko, hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari sa akin. Nagdry-run na ako sa chat at sa downelink pero tingin ko, hindi pa rin ako handang mabuhay ng wala siya sa mundo ko.

Patulog na sana ako ng biglang nagtext si phanks sa akin. Intayin ko daw siya dahil hindi rin niya ako kayang tikisin.

uuwi siya sa amin.

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Matapos ang ilang buwan, matutulog kaming magkatabi ng asawa ko sa iisang kama muli. Siguro, wala nang hihigit pa sa sarap ng pakiramdam na kayakap mo ang taong kahati mo ang buhay at lambingan mo kapag ika'y natatakot sa mundo. Sa aming pagniniig, narealize ko na hindi sna iya ang naka-eyeball ko dalawang taon na ang nakakaraan. Weird man sabihin pero parang nabago na siya ng panahon.

Tumanda na kami sa relasyong ito.

Masasabi kong kagabi ang isa sa pinaka-intimate naming sandali ni phanks. Inenjoy ko ang bawat saglit na kami'y magkayakap at naglalambingan. Di na ako nagsalita o nakipagusap sa nangyari samin noong gabi ring yun. Ang mahalaga kasi, nandun na siya sa tabi ko at naramdaman ko na ang hinahangad ko para sa aming dalawa.

Pagdating ng umaga, unang bumungad sakin ang kanyang mapayapang mukha. Sayang nga lang at hindi ko rin ito masyadong nasilayan sapagkat maaga rin siya nagising para sa isang pang round muli ng aming...

Heto ang masarap sa buhay may buddy, ang alam mong isang tao lang ang nagmamay-ari at pinagsisilbihan moat alam mong napaparamdam mo sa taong yun ang iyong pagmamahal at pagkalinga.

Sadya nga lang sandali ang oras. Matapos rin ng aming round nagdecide lang siya makipaglambingan sa akin habang niluluto ang aming umagahan, at natapos rin ang lahat nang maubos namin ang umagahan hinain sa amin sa lamesa.

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Ngayong umaga, naisip ko... kung siguro nagmatigas siya't nagpilit umuwi ng bahay.

Kung nagtaray pa rin siya buong maghapon habang panay ang suyo ko't pakikipag ayos sa kanya. Kung sa isang saglit ng pagka-pikon, bigla kong sabihin sa kanya na wala na kami.

Kaya ko kayang kalimutan ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin?

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Ngunit dahil naramdaman ko ang bonding naming dalawa nung isang gabi, narealize ko na hindi pa rin kami iba sa isa't isa. Nandun pa rin ang bond na sinumulan namin ng kami'y unang nagkita pa lang. Nakakatuwa, pero memorize ko pa rin kung paano siya humalik at yumakap. Kung paano siya mag-enjoy habang kasama ako.

Totoong marami na saming nangyari dalawa. Alam ko rin naman na kahit paano, mahalaga at malalim ang naging parte ko sa buhay niya, ganun din sa akin. Sigurado yun, anuman ang lakas ng loob kong muling subukan bumitaw sa kanya. Anuman ang tapang kong sabihin sa kanya na suko na ako sa ugali niya.

Sa bandang huli, lagi at laging papasok sa isip ko.

Wala na rin sigurong makakahigit pa sa kanya....

One Night Only

The week has been very difficult to me, so I decided to unwind last night and return to the place, where liberation and freedom is made.

I remember years before, I'd invite arrjae to go with me in Mr. Pigs. During those days of singlehood, I can do whatever I want. Before, I used to say that dancing relieves all problems, no matter how big or trivial it is. Dancing allows someone to be for a moment,

free.

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So I returned to BED last night to dance the night away and somehow forget that in that afternoon alone, half of my savings was used up to finance the operations of the company. You know what dude, the thing I felt at that moment was that my life is slowly draining away... Imagine spending months depriving yourself of material comfort in order to prepare for the day when it would be needed away to be used into something you won't really directly benefit.

Together with Pao, we went into a rampage spree inside that place. For the first time, I suffered heavy damage. Pao treated me to two more bottles of beer. Perhaps, my mind wasn't prepared to take such amount of alcohol so I swinged and swayed more during the last few hours of our stay there.

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There was this lady (or a transvestite perhaps) who was wildly dancing and grooving with some guys there who caught my attention.

Being drunk and daring, I approached them. Since the woman was kinda drunk herself, she grabbed me by my shirt and the three of us danced together. Later that night, while Pao was perhaps boywatching upstair, the girl and I danced together. She made me grab her boobs and her... uhm... but I was more concerned and interested with seeing boys. that's all.

So after a while, I left her to take a leak upstairs.

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The party was a blast. Not only did I enjoy the scene, I also had a brief glimpse of what my singlehood would be - if ever that day returns.

Meeting some Odders was a good break too. Kahit na walang pera at paligoy ligoy ang isip ko; solb na solb na ang makita sila.

I went home haggard and exhausted. Thanks to Pao, who took care of me while I was still damaged, I never bumped or flirted with anyone. Just like what I've been expecting last night, news were'nt still favorable today.

Ikalawa

There were a lot of times when I would just brace myself because I felt that our end was near. I can't remember how many times, I thought of breaking up with him, just because my paranoia or disappointment towards him won't contain me. It was so long ago, when he came into my life... and as this day approaches, I can't help but wonder, how on earth did we survive even though at times, the feelings are already gone.

Last night, I was so upset after someone from PAG-IBIG came to office and demanded to see our documents. The truth is, I was so damn afraid that I'll get implicated because I am ignorant, or should I say, left with responsibilities that I am not ready to uphold. Anyway, when phanks and I met, we had this long debate whether our anniversary would fall on April 21st, or May 21st. He was insisting it was May, but I know how we started. I cherished every moment we've met during our eyeball. I still remember how we found each other in YM. With those vivid memories, how can I forget?

But phanks was not convinced. He was still insisting it was on the 21st of May.

Our argument just stopped, after he felt that I am extremely troubled. Of course, he can't understand how the problems in the company really affected me. But he still is my guy, no matter how I hated him sometimes for being a bisexual flirt, he always console me whenever I am troubled.

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Today is our 2nd year of being a couple.

I could still remember how our eyeball went, and how we ended up sleeping in motmot that evening.

Tonight, I was planning to bring my bud again in a motmot despite the fact that I needed to budget my remaining cash. But he insisted that he's hungry so I decided that we dine in the baywalk area instead.

Over our dinner consisting of Nilasing na Hipon and Spaghetti with Wings, we talked about the girl officemate who constantly seduced him to get into a relationship with her. We also talked about his closeted officemate who saw me last week when I went to fetch my bud somewhere in Manila. Bud said that he can't imagine a maangas-looking guy like me would end up being non-straight.

We never talked that much, but this date was far better than the anniversary date we had last year.

After our dinner, we strolled along baywalk then went to Malate to reminisce the old days, when we could just go there and have some fun ourselves.

But to tell you honestly, having your bud along reduces half of the fun you can have when you're with friends... so I don't usually bring my bud whenever I have my own night outs...

Anyway, we boarded an FX going to Monumento going home.

Inside the FX, I felt a serene comfort as I snugged on his back, despite the passengers beside us. We dozed off together, while our fingers held each other under the cover of his backpack.

In my dreams, I just wish that despite our growing rifts and differences; despite the feeling of confusion that I needed to let him go so that he could try his luck in having a heterosexual relationship (as I question my own homosexual preference) ; despite some occassional thoughts of going my own way, and seek my destiny alone among the stars...

I just wish that we could endure each other for another year. He's right when he said that our bond is remarkable because at this age, we should still be experimenting with other options. But we hold on - through a single but determined realization that without him or me in this relationship, we are nothing.

We might just be lost satellites revolving aimlessly on every planet we encounter.

Guessing Game

picked this up from Tennister's journal, who he picked up from Danuel's blog. Let's see if my fellow readers can relate to my kind of music and guess what my favorites songs are from these artists below.

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Game rules:

+ Post the names of 20 musicians
+ See who can guess which is your favorite song by each
+ Once someone guesses right, bold that row and include the song
+ The songs were selected only, it was posted somewhere... where it can be viewed here after the closing date.
+ A reader will only be given one chance to vote.
+ Please check your spelling guys. Wrong spelling/words will not be considered

===

Prizes:

- The grand prize winner will recieve a nice porn VCD complements of the Quiapo CPC (CD Piracy Central)
- The second runner up will recieve a house/chill out music Audio CD, sponsored by UM (University Mall) Unlimited

* The Contestant who can guess, (15) of the entries will be automatically entitled to a free entrance at BED on a friday night!!!

===

Artists

1. Paula Cole - I Don't Wanna Wait - Tennister
2. Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 - Tennister (Tonight Tonight)
3. Sarah Mclachlan -
4. Howie Day -
5. Shawn Mullins - Lullaby - Tennister
6. Goo Goo Dolls - Name - Tennister (Here Is Gone)
7. Michelle Branch -
8. Five For Fighting -
9. Dishwalla -
10. Blink 182 -
11. Rachel Yamagata -
12. Imago - Akap - Lei
13. Spongecola - Lunes - Garppp
14. Our Lady Peace - Somewhere Out There - Lei
15. Eraserheads - Magasin - Tennister (Minsan/Ligaya)
16. Rivermaya - Bring Me Down - Garppp (Shattered Like)
17. Yano - Esem - Garppp
18. Vertical Horizon - You're A God - Tennister (Best I've Ever Had)
19. D'Sound -
20. The Sundays -

Deadline of entries will be on April 30, 2005!!!

Friendly Skies

I am in the office right now. This is my first time I'll be sending a post to phankspace using our company's resources.

Like what I've said, the frigging strike almost paralyze our operations. Imagine, dumating ako dito walang layout artists. As in, kinabahan ako to the max, dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ilelead ang tatlong taong nandito sa work nung time na dumating ako.

Ang masaklap pa dito, press time na namin, dapat nasa kalagitnaan na kami ng work namin ng mga oras na dumating ako.

So as I precaution, I called Roselle, my former classmate and new soulmate if ever our layout masters won't arrive, I'd ask her to work for us in the meantime. I was also trying to contact kapatid na James since he knows how to use adobe pagemaker.

Sayang! raket na rin yun.

Buti na lang, our three layout people arrived before 5 pm. So kahit paano nahabol rin namin yung mga trabaho. Nakakaawa nga yung Managing Editor namin eh, she's not recieving any compensation from this company but she reported for work kahit na medyo meron siyang hindi nararamdamang mabuti sa katawan niya. I believe this is what you call labor of love!

Anyway, the lesson here is that I should learn how to use that software too! As the "caretaker" of this "empire" I think I should learn myself all its inner workings so that I could at least take over one of the responsibilities of our staff if ever they can't report for work. Hirap kasi sakin, masyado ako nasanay maging bossing dito sa office eh. No matter how I try to empathize with them, somehow, there is always a clear mark that separates me from them.

I think it would always be that way.

---

Had a good and long conversation with Paldeng.

Bud! Thanks sa tawag mo. It really relieved the pressure. Hope to see you soon, stay happy and fab ha. Just like what I've told you, you're my only connection to Omeng.

---

So back here in the office, nag-abono ulit ako para sa cash advance ng mga tao. Hirap talaga ng economic situation dito sa bansa. We are extremely affected by it. Aaminin ko minsan, hindi ko talaga makita ang point bakit kelangan ko magsakripisyo para dito. Bakit nagsasakripsyo ang mga tao namin para sa enterprise na ito na wala naman talagang malinaw na future na patutunguhan.

I should have been proudly calling myself boss ever since I took over this company, pero ni sa loob ko, di ko matanggap na ako na talaga at wala ng iba. Everyone calls me sir, or boss. But in me, I just can't accept such notion since I haven't even proved anything yet to them.

Perhaps, when I have learned to use the pagemaker... when I have closed the newspaper on my own. The moment some neophyte politician acknowledges me as their media link. The moment we can finally declare this company is stable.

Perhaps, when I have become one with this business,

that is the only time I can finally call myself

the boss.

Transport Strike Is A Monster

Putangina! I slept early last night in hopes of achieving my target objectives today. I woke up early in hopes of starting my day right. But, I never thought that the friggin strike would destroy my plans this morning. A contact from prudential life couldn't come to the office because there's no jeep in their place. I am afraid that more of my iteneraries for today would be disrupted by this strike.

Seriously, I cannot understand why do these jeepney drivers demand so much from the government. Can they not understand that they aren't the only one who is suffering from severe national financial crisis? I should have been preparing to leave now, but with a prospects of having to endure a transport shortage, might as well stay home and play my PC all day.

Tangina, nakakapanghinayang lang. I have a lot of plans for today, pero medyo tinatamad na ako. This is simply really a fucker!

The Real Masters

I am humbled by their dedication... their sacrifice.

I went to the office this afternoon. Ever since I took over the responsibilities of running the business, I try to make it a point to oversee its operations, even though in my heart I still doubt the point of continuing it without any assurance that it would last long.

The economic situation is indeed very grim. Since our market are the masa, we are severely affected by their unwillingness to buy extra things... like newspaper - like tabloids.

So far, things are relatively stable this past two weeks, yet the constant threat of cash deficit force me to hold on dearly to whatever extra money I have saved. The general manager, who is my aunt already told me that I am the last line of defense of the company whenever we get cash-strapped. But I really don't know if my money would hold on to such assault. After all, I don't earn a single centimo in my business.

That is why, I simply prefer to acknowledge myself as the "caretaker" rather than the "boss" of the company. We are in no position to demand to our staff, since we can't pay their full salary anyways. The truth is, seeing them makes me brokenhearted and full of guilt. I can't simply accept the fact that they endure such conditions, with so much sacrifices they surrender just to keep our show running.

I think that is what you call "labor of love." I won't dare sacrifice myself in those conditions, if I am in their shoes.

---

Lately, I've been thinking whether I should completely integrate myself with the business. After what I saw as an act of sacrifice this evening, after two of our layout artist and the editor stayed until 9 pm to ensure that there will no page that will be left out when they are printed, I've realized that I should be more serious and committed in leading them towards our intended objectives.

In my heart, my only wish is to see them happy and financially satisfied with the company they are working. I wish that we won't have to worry again on where we will get the next 19 thousand whenever we are short of money to buy the newsprint. It doesn't really matter if I earn or not.

I just want my people to be happy and secured with their work.

I will never ask for something more.

Whispers With Butterflies

Callboys have littered the sidewalks along Recto this morning. Man, I can't still control the adrenalin rush whenever I see those guys standing, as if waiting for someone on some dark corners of the street.

Still, it reminds me of a time, when they first gave me the pulse to speak up what I feel when around them. I admit, that the gravity of my attraction are centered around them.

If only, I had the guts... and the morals to support such cravings of my flesh. Buti na lang, I still insist on myself that it would be extremely pathetic to pay for such moment of artificial and paid intimacy. I can always get it for free - now that I have my phanks beside me.

However, the sight of them lining the street is still a scene to behold.

---

I had a night out with the ODDERs this evening.

However, our numbers are more smaller this time and somehow, like our organizer. It too made me quite upset.

It's a fact that we're not as enthusiatic as we used to be before, when Omeng is still around. But the truth remains a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

In light of this dwindling attendance to such occassion, it comforts me to remember that we used to be smaller before, when there was still no Outsiders. It is indeed our trying times... but as long as someone misses. As long as someone appears whenever an ODDER called for a contingent, then perhaps all is not lost yet.

After all, no one among us could claim that they have found new friends, who they had relationships much deeper than we could ever have in this group.

---

After the contingent, Roy and I went to meet Andrea, Rainne and Paulie.

It's good to see these friends of mine in college. What's more awesome is that I have finally introduce a guy, who shares the same preference, interest and attitude like me.

It makes me wonder tuloy, If Andrea and Paulie would be my friends in this lifetime. If it's so, then I guess, I do have a good and secure life after all.

I could already see our bigger futures ahead of us already.

Declaration of Peace

At 1:20 am this morning, a message was sent to me through friendster:

"dami na nagyari...ako rin had my share of pains and heartaches...parepareho lang naman tayo......balita ko matagal na rin kayo ng buddy mo yung pumalit sa akin...good for u ...for both of you...lam mo la ka naman talaga problema ako....swerte nga ng buddy mo sayo dahil alam kong mabait ka at stick to one ka....haaay.sorry talaga....."

It was from my ex-boyfriend, Yul.

Perhaps, it's finally time to move on. Forget the heartaches and traumas. Life must go on after all. Indeed, he left me brokenhearted when we split up. I taught myself to hate him and all his lovers, so that I could at least, find some comfort from the pain he gave me.

Time heal all wounds I guess... We're just human not to commit mistakes.

As a gesture of goodwill, I asked his buddy for permission if I can add ex to my friendster. Since he did gave me the go signal. May ex find relief that he'll find me on his list of friends the next time he opens his account.

To Yul: I sincerely hope that you'll find happiness this time. To you too kapatid na Marvin, if the first time you made me furious, the moment you sent your condolences when my dad passed away though sms changed my attitude towards you completely.

You have my full support tol.

Hope your relationship be long and prosperous.

Tops and Bottoms

I used to be a bot.

When I first tried it before, I thought that I'd be split in half. But somehow my partner was quite good that I haven't felt a thing. The real pain came much later, when my first ex - who was drunk that night of our first time in bed together thrusted himself very fast, that man! I was literally stabbed in my ass.

And because of him, I started to love my role as bot. I became a good and marketable one. Imagine, I am a masculine yet I am bot. Only few guys could claim that.

For over two years after I broke up with my first ex, my role was always to become bot. In fact, Omeng would always claim that I was the one who influenced him to become one. Based from my stories with much graphic details he was compelled to try the same thing. There was even a time when I'd give advice in the message board to some guys who'd like to try to become bot

"It's all about mind preparation." I told them. "If you're mind can't take the thought of someone putting his thing inside your... then you can't do it."

---

However, as I was giving away my trade secrets to everyone who'd ask me about those stuffs. I was gradually changing.

Before, bot was my specialty. But when my bud came alone. Things have begun to shift the opposite way.

Bud found out the joys of becoming bot. For months, I never took the role - bud always want to be one. Slowly, I found enjoyment and the mindset to become top. Lately, I can even come out as a top.

So when bud suddenly agreed to become the top last time we had a woohoo. Things suddenly became hell when he forced his way up into my...

I swear, I though that I was cut in half! When he had finally got himself in, I tried to force it out because it was too damn painful to accomodate. I literally pushed myself out while containing the pain... and afterwards he tried it again.

Quietly, I endured the pain - the fast thrust made it more unbearable. For the first time, I had finally understand how it felt... to be raped - prison rape that is. I told myself that being bot is just a mental state. Once my mind found the enjoyment, my body would respond to it.

So bud thrusted until he was finished. As for me, I did managed to enjoy the last moments of it. But the pain lingered on for another day. Perhaps, several bot roles would restore my zest and interest to become bot again. But I doubt if he'll ever take the top role next time.

----

Bud and I had a minor fight last night.

I got jealous when I saw him flirting with his officemate, which I pressumed to be a PLU.

We never talked on the way to Monumento. But I never gave him a cold shudder either.

When we reached monumento. I told him my sentiments.

He said why should I get envy to someone who he only treats as a friend. Told him, I was beginning to doubt him and his actions for the past several days. But bud assured me that he'll never do something that will break my trust.

----

Sorry bud, but I am simply prone to jealousy.

Like what I've said, its either I get too paranoid thinking about it... or strike back in one way or another.

Another Shot of Dreaming... I Was Straight

So I went to this baptismal of Iceroze's baby.

Shet! I was in full formal attire. I literally stood out of every ninongs there. In fact, someone even thought that I was the father. Hell. I wish I do. After carrying the kid and teaching him to love the Guerrero Brandy bottle for several minutes, I realized how good it might be to have my own baby boy.

And have my own genes, personalities and quirks copied on him. Forget a nanay. I only wanted a kid of my own.

Yet, on the other hand. Iceroze looked gorgeous this afternoon.

Gone are the days when I'd see her haggard and stressed out due to adjusting to his ex-boyfriend's whims. Gone are the days of silence; when we would just stare at each other, smile a little and then move on to our destinations, like we're keeping this very very ancient bond that must be hidden from his lover.

Still, some of my classmates won't understand why did I loved her more than my ex-girlfriend.

Perhaps, because I exerted so much effort to show my feelings to her. Perhaps, because I suddenly realized that I loved her on the eve of formalizing her relationship with her ex-boyfriend who got her pregnant and that made our story more painful and cherishing compared to my story with ex-gf.

Sayang. I was telling a girl classmate of mine (who doesn't still know my new preference) on our way home na kung siguro kami ang nagkatuluyan, hindi magiging ganun ang buhay ni Iceroze.

I wish.

As for a kid. I was wondering, would there ever be a time that I would have one of my own? Top na naman ako. I could still get emotionally attracted to the opposite sex. Lately, I am having this notion that I might be in fact a bisexual-in-denial and not a full-pledged homosexual as I used to claim. Will the heavens tweak my inner workings so that I'll become a fully-capable heterosexual again?

---

Which makes me wonder still;

Am I still that masculine as I used to be two years ago? Or have I transformed already and have embraced effeminity in one way or another?

Yet still, why am I asking these things when I have claimed already that brands never mattered anymore?

Something In Between

Perhaps, I have just reached again a critical milestone that's why I stopped writing for the past month. In silence, I thought I was whining about things over and over again and perhaps, people might get tired of getting the same crap everytime they open my blog. But well, here I am, against my plans of jumpstarting this on the 16th, I will have to make way for a new post so that... people would know that pulsar still exist.

In just a few minutes, I will have to leave the house, breaking my week-long record of waking up at 1 in the afternoon. I'll be a ninong to my ex-crush's son. FYI, my ex-crush is a female. Those days, I've never thought of having a crush to a guy.

After the baptismal, I guess, I'd accompany mama to dad's grave in Navotas. She claims that it is their 25th wedding anniversary today. Much as I would like to disagree with the seeming kindness mom shows to my dad's memory, I am a little more unforgivable. He's dead. No matter how I get depressed sometimes remembering how sad and lonely his last days were, we need to move on. Perhaps, when we have finally come to a complete victory in running his remaining businesses, I guess that would be the only time I'd shift to a more nostalgic side. This time, I can't afford to add more loneliness and regret in my life.