Breaktime Buzzer Beater

Lunchbreak at work. My co-workers are eating their lunch as I try to steal a moment and work my brains out writing this blog. I miss blogging, you know that? I was just out for the last two days and all I've been thinking about since last night was posting a new entry.

So what happened after the payday?

Well for the juiciest part, I'll reserve it for the next arrival of my muse. But suffice to say, I was there on the eve of the Black Party in Malate. Too bad, my "companion" wanted to go "home" so I had to cut my presence there and leave the party scene. I hope you guys would understand. Kaya next time, wag niyo na tanong why phanks is not with me, sa kanya rin lang talaga ang oras ko kahit kasama ko kayo.

Yesterday, we went to the cemetery to visit my lolo's grave. Manila Memorial is really a nice and peaceful place. I'd like to imagine how is it like to be there on a lonely sunday evening. Would it be creepy, or would it be tranquility? Whatever it's like, I'm sure its romantic and peaceful. How I wish I'd happen to see that day soon.

After the visit, my mom's sister treated the entire (read: ENTIRE) clan to a dinner in Fisherman's Wharf. My god, there were a lot of foodstuffs on the table last night, that we're actually having a grand and opulent dinner.

To the point that I've eaten so much, I've thrown out some of the foods I've ingested afterwards. Grabe, kadiri talaga, it was the first time I felt like my stomach will explode after pigging out. But I thank my tita/ninang for that. At least we're enjoying the family spirit, even if half of those kids present are product of broken/semi-broken marriages.

So yun, we went home, watched some holloween documentaries in Star World until twelve, slept then woke up at 5:15 this morning to catch up for work at 6.

Thank God for the aircon, at least, even if I didn't took a bath, I still smell like a pi...er... baby!

Bittersweet Payday

I got my first payslip and all of it went directly to the bank.

It was a glorious moment to recieve the fruits of your very hard labor. It was, after all more than three months since I last worked for my money.

However, the payday had some bitter aftertaste.

It was confirmed that we will have work on Sunday and Monday. The company would demand more overtimes for us, forcing us to work our ass till kingdom come.

This set-up made me really really worried.

Forget about stress and the time I would loose for myself.

What worries me is the changes. The fact that I'll have a very very hard time catching Phanks from now on.

The fact that I will have to put ODDERs, and my social life in the backseat because of this job.

The fact that I'd see myself as a zombie because of this.

I don't care if someone from the office would read this, but I think with the trend that's going on, this work would really take life away from me. It's already showing...

And with those realities, sometimes the thoughts of backing out penetrates my consciousness. If I would have a hard time adjusting to this environment,

I'm afraid

I wouldn't last till February.

Re-Speaking Our College Days

It was already raining when I arrived at Kitties, Dapitan this evening. Drei, texted me this afternoon inviting me to join their drinking-reunion tonight. However, they were still out of sight when I entered the small, ordinary karinderia were we used to meet before. I thought they were just tripping me.

Suddenly, as I was thinking if they tricked me or not, the memories of our college days began to flow back again in my mind.

---

Drei was fatter now, compared to the last time I saw her. She's always the punk-chick who'd bitch-slap anyone who comes in her way - even during our time in AB. She arrived with Paulie, my ex-VP. It seems like they were the only ones who came. Like old times, we're the only ones who always make their presence felt whenever a reunion like this was called.

Unlike the last time I saw them, I was still jobless. Tonight, I was proud to inform the two of them that I found a job, that I can share my experiences with them as they go on with their careers.

BTW Drei's from Inquires, the only newspaper we've looked upon during our days. While Paulie's still stucked with his CBCP career. I'm happy that despite the changes they remained constant. In these days were everything can happen with just a blink of an eye, these guys remained true to their calling.

---

Over a bottle of San Mig Light, we've talked about the things that happened in our lives; their monotonous careers; Paulie's desire to move to a "more affordable" nook where he can still enjoy his "privacy"; Drei's quest to find a lovelife before her birthday; and updates about our former classmates and friends.

Of course, we talked about how we missed everything back then, how we longed for the days when reality was just a far-flung thought of our imagination.

---

On my other blog, one of my sentiments was the realization that I'm just going in circles. As I was contemplating about my future back then, the thought of being lost in the crossroads made me so devastated.

Several weeks ago, I've read James' blog and he realized the same thing too, and I responded by assuring him that I just came out of that phase.

Tonight, over a couple of beers, Drei and Paulie were also expressing the same thing.

Lahat ba ng kasing edad namin eh nararamdaman rin ito? ang pagkawala ng direksyon at daang tatahakin?

---

Maybe this is just one of the hang-overs of transition from being an idealist about the world to becoming a realist who sees a world turning against them. The truth is, half of myself was already covered with cynicism and those who still defy the changes would continue to suffer deep anxieties and secret insecurities...

Who said only adolescents were the only ones suffering this fate? Those of us who clinged on to idealism for so long still suffers over and over again the pain waking up in the cold.

waking up to the thought that we will also be corrupted by the people around us.

That was how we felt as we re-lived the days when we're just a bunch of college folks who chased their dreams back in the university. How we wished that we could just reclaim a piece of that past, see ourselves again from that perspective

and enjoy our freedom more while we still can.

Now most of us have become nameless persons who are striving to maintain a mere speck of our former individualism...

---

I thought drei would confront me with this blog since she's been a great lurker of many blogs I am connected with. I thought she found this one already and that made me worried for several days. With her imminent discovery of this blog soon, I already told her that if ever she founds out this beating pulse of my soul, she should inform me at once so that I can explain everything to her.

That I'm not the same person she used to know anymore.

---

It was still raining when we paid our bills. Later this evening, we've learned that our watering hole would cease to exist by next year to pave the way for a new structure that would rise along that boring street near UST.

Drei's response was to call a reunion of all Kittie's/Batcave's drinkers on their last day of operation. I know, it was just a mere icebreaker to the fact that one of our precious mementos would forever be taken from us. I don't know if we would return before they leave, but I guess that was already goodbye.

For all our lives, subconciously we are trying to defy the changes and hold on to the status quo. This compromise between my unwell body and them is just a sign of it. From tomorrow till the next time we meet, surely we would bump each other again somewhere in the metro. Probably, just a short hello or minutes-worth of small talk by then. For all honesty, I am overjoyed to just even hear their voices on the phone, or when I read the newest update in their blogs.

Because that way, there remains a connections between us.

---

Drei told me that I am too in touch with my emotions... that I was displaying too much effeminity by expressing my thoughts this way.

Well it might be just your point of view ex_groupie,

I'm just too attached with my humanity.

Catching Breaktime

I'll trade my lunchbreak for several minutes worth of blog.

I don't know but something magical happened to me as I sleep.

For some unexplainable reason, I felt like I had a very long and deep slumber. All I can remember is that in my dreams, I did push a sorta-like button to make time ticks slower than usual. And for around 8 hours, I felt like I had more than 10 hours of sleep. I kept on waking up every two hours, after feeling that I had four hours of rest, and in my dreams the thought of my supervisors kept on appearing on the scene.

That's why, despite my not-so-good condition, I decided to go to work today. Sayang rin ang kikitain ko ngayon.

I just hope they wouldn't ask us to work overtime again.

I would rather appreciate it if they'd ask us to report for work earlier than usual to compensate our extremely heavy workload.

Tomorrow, I expect to get my first salary. Now, everything that I've worked for, for the past 15 days will reap its fruits.

And I'm not hungry right now, I think I have an appettite loss.

Unwell

That's it, I'm officially sick.

I'm nursing a cold, a runny nose, a fever and an occassional dry cough. I was even having a chills severals minutes before I left the office.

Right now, my eyes are very tired and swelling, my head is aching and I am having difficulty to breathe, thanks to my ever friend sipon that keeps on appearing outside my nostrils.

Good heavens, I've never been sick in the past five months. I try not to be weakened by my condition but definitely I am not in a good shape.

I think my stressful work, and anxiety attacks had already consumed me. I know I could rebound with just a day's worth of rest but I cannot afford to be absent.

I was giving them a hint in the office about my condition, their only reply was their operations would be severly affected by my absence.

That my output is significant to the overall performance of the group.

And it did touch me. Indeed, I have placed my heart and soul in this hard job, and the price for all those effort is this one...

A signicant damage to my body.

Actually, I can bear everything, as long as they would not force us again to do an overtime. It really kills my system, since I'll be having problems meeting up with Phanks.

Phanks is part of my system, and disturbances like what happened yesterday upsets me terribly.

This is what routines are all about... it affects even the way your body responds to things.

I hope, with a brief and deep rest tonight, I can reclaim half of my energy reserves for tomorrow. Two days na lang, we'll finally get our first salary.

Right now, I'm just terribly tired and worn out. Even this brief respite of relaxation has a negative effect to me.

Motherfucker kasi eh, sino ba ang nanghawa ng sipon sa office? And yeah, fuck the aircon, it kills man! It kills!












PS: Binabate ko nga pala si Paul, Bench, Jio at Papa Toinks. Salamat sa pagbisita sa aking halamanan.

All I Was Asking For Is Time

I should have been celebrating a victory, but when our supervisor suddenly declared that we'll have an overtime today, it fucked me up to high heavens and thus destroyed my day completely.

That's why I cannot continue my previous post last night. Sick and tired from work, (read: flu+runnie nose), the only thought that came into my mind is sleeping.

In fact, I'm sleepy again... I've been compromising my R&R with sleeping. Well folks, Joms has finally realized, after three years of graduation how hard it is to work! Man, if not only for the money, I'd try looking for a job that is not-soooo-demanding.

But then again, this work really revved me up. Everyday, I set my own challenges, and that set up really surprised a lot of my peers when it comes to extended performance.

However, I really hate overtimes. If only those overtimes are not mandatory, I'd rather forego that 150% increase when extending our hours. Who needs money? What I need most is time.

---

So what else happened today?

I declared this day as a ceasefire from cursing my dad. Well, it his birthday too! I greeted him the moment I woke up this morning.

It was my first text to him in eons. Seriously, I really hope he had a good time today.

---

I went to the church this morning after almost forgetting God for two months. I went there to thank Him for His continuous blessing to my family. And yeah, because its my parents birthday too. On behalf of them, I gave my personal thanks to the Creator.

---

I was the first one to be assigned to research of new organizations/associations. Our quota was supposed to be 1 potential org per day.

I had four.

---

I had a nasty fight with Phanks... long story, serious issue. In fact, I had those lingering thoughts of a post-breakup scenario lingering in my mind while I was on my way home.

I did apologized at the end. After he explained his side why he failed me this time.

In short, nagbati rin kami at matutulog kami ng mahimbing ngayong gabi.

---

But before I close this entry, I would like to thank those who appreciated my blog's makeover. Kahit ako rin, I never expected that this outcome would be like this. It really reflects my personality. Everytime, when things really get steamy in the office, I'd just open the blog and when I see those lovely trees... everything feels better afterwards.

It's midnight once again. I know, I'm still in the process of adjusting but to tell you honestly, it seems like everytime, time is being robbed from me.

Everythings so short and brief nowadays.

It's Not Easy To Be Green (Part One)

short-term goal: fatten my bank account.

middle-term goal: have a salary that is deem worthy to support a family.

long term goal: start my own business.

---

On my way home, I was contemplating these ideas as I watched how the world seemed to pass by outside, and the silence inside the FX aroused my inner anxieties. I could post again about those fears and worries I'd been harboring for some time now, but for the sake of this brief optimism, I'd tell a story of how my dreams of becoming filthy rich ever started.

A long long time ago, we were struggling to keep afloat. Mom was the only earner in the family and dad was nowhere to be found. I used to dream about having a car - to the point of pretending to own a car and showing it to my newfound friends telling them that I just can't get in because the key is with my mom.

Those childhood dreams slowly manifested as dad appeared to us again as a tabloid editor. By grade six, we had our first car. By first year high school, dad was already sporting a Nissan Sentra. Although it was his car, but the fact that he owns that car means everything.

During my third year high school days, I often confided to my friend my dreams of leading a group of companies one day. I never loose sight of that dream, even if the price of it was failing in all schools I took an entrance exam choosing Business Admin as my first choice of course. Those days, I was fixed on becoming a Management student, but my grades - especially in math were all failing. However, despite my poor performance with numbers, I was, for a time the brightest student in our history class. I was even competing with our soon-to-be-valedictorian in the fields of social sciences.

But I was still holding on to the dream. Never did I thought of shifting my course leaning towards the arts.

However, since no university would admit me, my mom asked a special favor to my tita who was the AB faculty secretary in a big university. Since my grades in social sciences are outstanding (and perhaps the results of my entrance exam minus math was convicing), I was taken in... and I've spent an entire college life drowning in letters and social sciences.

By third year college, dad was already filthy rich. He owns one of the biggest tabloid in the country and I was performing great in my major. I conditioned myself to be the next in line to his throne, despite the presence of his mistress. I thought I am ready. In fact, when dad went on his European tour, I was tasked to manage alone his holdings for two weeks. It made me feel confident about myself.

After graduation, I immediately worked for my dad. My friends claimed that it wasn't really work since I was the one dictating my own time schedule and days of work. Probably they were right. I was catapulted to the higher positions without realizing the value of work. Less than three months after I've started, I had no discipline.

I would just do the things that I like and leave after boring myself with it. Although I still learn from the experience, but the training is insufficient to back me up going to the top...

September 2003. After reaching the top, life drastically changed for all of us. Never did I thought that in one snap of life's finger everything will be taken away from us.



to be continued...

Reconstruction

Without thinking twice, I outrightly changed the format of my blog.

Inspired by some of the blogs I saw last night, I thought changing mine to be more standard with everyone would give me a better chance of redesigning it later, when I finally learned the tricks of html. With just one click, the whole blog rewrites itself as if evolving into some entity that would reflect me more. It's all about character baby and I want my soul imbedded deep into the pages where I express my thoughts.

Unfortunately, changing my template would erase everything that was in my previous one.

So I have to start again from scratch.

---

Mom celebrated her birthday today. Suprisingly, she spent less than a thousand bucks on it but it feeded more than 20 guests. Perhaps it lies on the initiative of some of the guests to bring additional food so that it would be shared by everyone. Mom's sisters and relatives arrived with food ranging from Chicken Relleno to Pork Barbeque to Four Seasons Fruit Punch.

As of this writing, she's still entertaining visitors downstairs. I'm sure she had a blast - celebrating her birthday arranged by everyone.

Which makes me wonder... how would dad celebrate his...

---

You see, they share the same birthdate, only almost decades apart. It was every couples dream, however, dad was asshole enough not to realize it.

Before, he would just shell out a mere 3k for my mom's celebration while he would spend his in a big hotel complete with big time guests and sexy startlets.

In fact, I had attended one of his biggest, and grandest... too bad, I was just a mere display in that event. Still, the scene stealer was his ex-querida who, created her own tabloid to rival my dad's newspaper only to go bankrupt in less than 10 months.

She used to be treated like a queen, with my mom on the sidelines... Now, she's nothing anymore. My dad, lost all his prestige he had acquired in the past few years.

---

I wonder, how would he celebrate his birthday this year?

Cash-strapped, I think it would be his remaining friends and new mistress who'd organize a celebration for him. Definitely, I would not appear in his event, in fact I'm even thinking of not greeting him altogether.

If I'm not cash-strapped myself, I'd even treat mom and my sister to an evening dinner just to show my dad who's enjoying everything now.

Unfortunately, I'm expecting my first paycheck on friday... days after my parents' birthday. In fact, I have to budget my remaining 700 bucks so that I could meet my target savings on November 2.

---

But still, I am still somewhat sympathetic to my dad.

In mom's words; "at least hindi niya kayo iniwan nung lumalaki pa kayo... at kahit paano inambunan pa rin niya tayo nung bumaha ang pera sa kanya."

Maybe I would reconsider. I'd show some humility this time. Probably, I'd send him a birthday greeting through SMS with matching words of encouragement. But that's all, nothing more.

---

We watched Michael Moore's Farenheit 9/11 this afternoon.

It was, emotionally arousing. In sowed hate in me with Pres. Bush's government. Never did I see the imperialistic side of America before. I just hope that this elections would bring changes to that nation.

I hope they'd change their image, or else they'd find a world order geared against them. In fact, with new leaders governing China these days, I think that nation has become more respectable in the eyes of everyone.

Forget Communism, it seems like their role in the world body and the United Nations has become more civilized that what USA is doing right now...

For the first time, I became convinced that Bush is the real terrorist and the Al Qaeda are just one of the monsters they have created to be their minions.

---

Secretly, I want the Democrats to win - even if it would cost the most powerful nation another civil war to restore the balance, then by all means let the rotten expose itself.

Let a great war divide that nation and let it become a lesson to its leaders not to trample with humanity.

Let those who truly sowed terror in this world burn eternally at the deepest pit of hell.

What Have I Done!?!?!?

Entirely changed... everything destroyed.





[futuristic note: Joms attempted to change his blog's template with dire results.]

Whispers From A Sleeping World

It was past 1:30 when we decided to go home after spending most of the night in Papu's place. So far, since most of the ODDERs had their own priorities tonight, this was one of the smallest contingent I've been to, during post-omeng's time.

Cash strapped and fearful to withdraw at a bank, I decided to take a jeep. Belt tightening taught me to lessen my expenses so as a result, taking a cab had become less of my priorities.

It is a sunday morning. A lot of people are still on their way home after spending the night unwinding. It was cold outside reminding everyone that the holidays are just around the corner. Lights have already started flickering, from christmas lights in some of the house at the horizon, when the economy is at its lowest, some escapes the reality with displaying things that would remind us of that time of the year, we want to forget everything.

Since I started working, this was the first time I arrived home very late. As a co-breadwinner in the family, I couldn't afford to risk my safety anymore unlike before when I would sneak out of the house just to "play with fire" with someone who needed a playmate. Now, those were just an echo of my wilder past. It still calls from time to time, but I try to hold on to something that would keep me from committing an earthly mistake.

So far, I'm holding on to my word.

---

It seems like the streets are filled with young, whammy men tonight.

I often thought that those who go out and hang out at this ungodly hour are mostly trippers or gays in need of some fun. With what I saw on my way home, I think I am right with my assumption. Those whammies actually made me horny.

Thank God I planted myself in a sturdy moral ground or else, I would have unleashed the worst of "darkstar" in just one whisper of the wind. I was already experimenting with the idea before. However, the quest of finding a serious mate prevented me of totally focusing my attention on just mere "playing."

The wind blows into my face, and as I look behind me, I've noticed two balut/snack vendors who are at the edge-seat of the jeep. I've noticed that they were just quietly sitting there as the drive breaks the darkness with his speedy wheels. When they informed the driver that they have reached their destination, they silently left, never paying a single peso for their fare unlike the rest of us.

Puzzled and confused, I've realized that in silence, they have understood each other.

With the rising cost of living here, and the greater difficulty of finding people who would buy their foodstuffs, it seems like the driver and the vendor understood that they share the same plight - like millions of Pinoys who desperately etches a living with a mere hundred bucks.

In silence they share the same thought, the same wavelength. Like those I've noticed when an FX driver would ask a jeepney driver for a smaller change for his big bill.

Indeed, humans are capable to feel... who shares the same burdens as with them. In silence, they have understood that they were mere underdogs in a sleeping world

full of things bigger than them.

She Had Probably Found Out Too...

At the end, I would actually be the one who'd blow my cover.

At first, she appeared on Toinks' blog. Now, it was Chris' blog where I found her signature. For all the efforts of hiding from them, at the end... I would be the one who'd deliver myself. Knowing her, it's just a matter of time before they found out. I just hope that the moment she discovers Phanksmaster-blogspace, she'd inform me.

Well I've never been this open in cyber space, indeed... expressing one's feelings to the fullest, at the price of privacy and anonymity would also be my end.

Pandora's box has been opened.

Hey drei, if you found this out. I would really appreciate it if you'd tell me out... I promise to tell you the juiciest! hindi ka magsisisi.

And please, retain the first blog you've discovered. Nobody will ever be prepared to know what I have become.

---

Saturday night... contingent night.

Isang Gabi ng Salsalan

I dedicate this entry to those who will attend tomorrow's #S Grand Eye Ball.
Maging makabuluhan at MAULAN sana ang pagdalo niyo dun...

---

My butthole was still healing after it was forced open by someone who I've met in Mint days ago. I bought the ticket already, and someone was expecting me to join the group so despite my claims of being steady with this PLU who bot me, I still joined the swimming party.

It was already dark when we arrived in Laguna. Those were my "wild days " and the only one who could fully relate to me at that time was my companion, arrjae who at that time was more on the pakyawan side of being wild. I wasn't expecting anything to happen during that GEB, in fact, I assured my soon to be bud, who's my ex now that I'll behave while I am there.

So the swimming started. And those who followed later that night was grilling fish beside the pool.

I could still remember that time, I was still curious about PLU relationships - for I haven't been into one, and I was anticipating ex's move in the next few days. Some nice guys gave me some hints about what to expect in a relationship, while the older guys were already preparing our pulutan and beer.

Since, it was not a screened GEB, a lot of effeminates came. Unfortunately, the guys were uninterested in entertaining them so they huddled in one corner of the pool, telling stories about their boys... and girls (which I really doubted he had) as Arj was already getting along with some of the whammies like Bicep and Swimmerboi. Since I promised to be behaved that night. I wasn't even trying to talk to people, aside from those I've already been aquainted with.

---

Habang pagabi ng pagabi, mas dumadami na ang lumulusong sa pool. Nandun yung mga magbuddies sa isang side, yung mga tukling sa kabila at yung mga nangingisda sa gitna. Sabagay, konti lang ang whammy nung time na yun kaya balewala na rin pagaksayahan ng panahon. Marami na rin ang nag-iinuman katulad nina Boy Sarap at Kenji Montoya, samantalang yung iba naman ay nagpapahinga sa taas.

Matapos ang ilang tagay, naramdaman ko nang me tama ang kasama ko. Ilang minuto pa, bigla na siyang nawala kasama yung ibang mga nangingisda at napansin kong nakalock yung isang room sa taas. Sa kamalas-malasan ng mga nandun, biglang umakyat si Boy Sarap at kinatok ng kinatok yung kwarto hanggang lumabas yung mga nasa loob - - yung mga nangingisda pala kanina ang mga nandun. Halata naman na may binabalak sila eh, hindi lang namin pinapahalata na alam namin.

Si Arrjae lasing na lasing na, yung isa ring prospect niya bagsak na. Bago mag-alas dos, marami nang bagsak at natutulog. Hindi ko na rin matandaan kung ilang tagay na ako nun, at naalala ko na lang na inaakyat na nila ako sa taas. Katabi ang cellphone, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na yun ang magpapaalala sakin na may umaasang hindi ako magkakamali nung gabing yun. Nakadikit sa dibdib, pinilit kong matulog sa kabila ng ingay sa baba at sakit ng ulo dahil sa alak.

---

Madaling araw, naramdaman kong may nangmamanyak sakin.

Hindi ko alam na tumabi pala yung isang tukling sa kama ko. Buti na lang, aware ako sa ginagawa niya. Lasing man pero buong tigas kong pinigilan yung mga balak niyang gawin. Pero medyo pursigido siya makapa si batutuy ko. Bandang huli, kakapiglas at kakaiwas ko, napilitan din siyang sumuko.

Nakatulog akong nakadikit pa rin sa dibdib ko yung cell ko. Kinaumagahan paalis na ang mga tao nung nagising ako.

---

Wala na yung nangmanyak sakin nung bumaba ako para pagmasdan yung mga naiwan. Sabi ni Arrjae, wala rin daw nangyaring milagro nung gabi dahil sa sobrang lasing nung mga nagbabalak. Weeks after, nalaman kong muntikan na silang tatlo eh maging magbubuddy. Alam naman namin na hindi pwede yun eh, kaya hayun, natapos at natapos ang GEB pero walang napala ang mga dumalo.

Ilang araw matapos yung gabing yun, naging buddy ko yung pinangakuan ko magbebehave ako sa GEB. Si Arrjae, nagkaroon ng buddy-buddihan na nakilala niya dun sa inuman nung gabi. Yung mga magbubuddy nung gabing yun, matapos ang anim na buwan eh split nang lahat. At yung mga nag-iinuman mga barako... balita ko, effem na ngayon. Kung hindi man, madalas eh nakikita sa mga cruising spots sa Kamaynilaan.

Bukas, magkakaroon ulit sila ng GEB, at this time pormal na may representative na mangagaling sa ODDERs. Nakakatuwang isipin na may mga sumusunod na rin sa mga yapak naming mga nauna. Hindi man naging ganun ka-enjoy ang napala namin, in the long run, naging permanenteng kabarkada ko si Arj. Isa yun sa mga naging turning point ng samahan namin.

At si Boy Sarap na nung gabing yun eh naging Pulis - Pangkalawakan ng lahat...

eventually naging parte rin siya ng buhay namin. Naging barkada niya si Omeng at nung isang linggo lang eh naging usap-usapan sa yahoo groups ng barkada.

---

Parang kailan lang...

ang saya saya.

As Routines Are Being Reestablished

I just barely got out of the office and here I am in front of the PC again.

For almost 10 hours every day, the PC is my companion aside from my buddy. I access my internet before I got to work and minutes before I go to sleep, one would find me playing a PC game on my computer.

Kulang na lang, magkaroon na ng wire na magco-connect sakin saka sa PC na malapit sakin. That way, makakapagblog na ako anytime na gustuhin ko.

---

Last night, I withdrew 3k from my account.

That money would be for my mom's "ginseng medicine," that for some mysterious reasons makes my mom's ailments heal. The other one is for the phone bill, which is for disconnection anytime soon.

I'd rather sacrifice my savings than to completely loose communication at home.

---

I think, my hiring was rather appropriate at this moment. Indeed, dad has completely stopped supporting us blaming the financial hardships that rocked his publishing business.

Mom was somehow sympatheric at his plight, but when I try to sort out my feelings.

The only emotion I have in my heart is remorse.

Everyday is like waking up to a reality that we're not as opulent as we used to be before. Everyday, the first thought that comes into my mind is if my dad's publishing still exist for this day or it has wrapped up already. Everyday I would think about how close we are to the edge and how can we keep ourselves from falling.

Everyday has become more and more gloomy and the thought of earning only to pay for the bills makes me quite insecure.

This morning, I was surprised because my FX fare was declined by the driver. Moments later, I've realized that he used to work for us. He used to gesture a salute for me whenever I walk down on the garage where he and the other maintenance people often hang out.

I was embarrassed at the sight of him, and me almost in the same plane. Of course, I am earning many times compared to him, but we're both working for different masters now. In fact, despite the existence of a security agency, which my dad owns - I see myself more of just a mere "worker."

The fanfare, the pride and the brimming confidence I used to have before was already gone. Not even a trace of one still remains close to my borders.

---

After this entry, I will accompany phanks again home. I ask God for us to be closer before. Now it has been answered. I just hope that our impending overtimes will not disrupt the routine we're having right now.

In 8 days, I will recieve my first paycheck from the company I am serving right now.

Tomorrow, I will again start my day by reading Conrado De Quiros' columm in Inquirer.

Somehow it has become my bible and window to the free world lately.

Eternally Bracing For Impact

I always start my work by reading Conrado De Quiros' columm. It's like my bible and my inspiration before jumping in a void of shambled papers and disgorged files.

Surprisingly, the popoy session I had with phanks made me feel better. Although I was somehow lucid the whole morning till 3 pm, I've managed to beat my record and delivered more outputs today, with still an energy to spare for accompanying phanks home.

When I saw him this evening, it's like we're both brimming with a light aura. He even teased me on our way home. And the negative thoughts I've been harboring last week has completely subsided. sex lang pala ang katapat ng lahat.

I was correct when I've claimed how mutually assuring intimate moments are. Damn are those who says that platonic will make a relationship survive long. Those who claims that are either dead or robots.

---

Reading the blogs, I checked out on James' after he declared that he'll try to update his journal often. I was surprised on how swift his improvements are when it comes to his style and the way he expresses himself.

Although, the james-centric trademark still remains, but somehow I am beginning to see those deeper feelings he hides in his writing. It's either a product of solitude, or his confusions and dilemmas in life made him write even better.

---

Life was quite light to me today, except when I went home and found out that mom's neck is bulging again.

Kaya pala kagabi eh parang sobrang hinang-hina siya. She seems to be hiding something last night when I went home. Yun pala eh sobrang sakit ng kulani niya.

Which made me worried...

tonight.

Heto, I'll be withdrawing cash for her to buy that ginseng that made the swell heal. She was quite hesitant at first on my offer, telling me that I'd loose money. I said it's better than rushing you to the hospital and probably having an operation.

It's better this way. I'm having a lot of burdens already to accomodate such scenario.

---

And whenever I find a time to think about tomorrow, I still contemplate on whatever future that's in store for me.

Before, I see myself just steps away from achieving it. But now, everything seems so far away. Ironic nga eh. I was proclaiming some months ago how better it is to be single and free, but if you check on my state right now, I'm already grooming myself to be the primary breadwinner of the household. It means less luxury for me now, and more focus on saving/spending on household expenses.

If only I can bring along phanks to live with me... we'll live as a family... as partners in life...

---

It would be 10 days before I get my first salary in my new company. It's quite small compared to what the ODDER peeps are earning, but if you'd combine the salary I'm getting in my dad's surviving company, I can support the whole household by myself.

Secretly, I keep all my worries well kept in my heart. We've survived before, and the chances of surviving now is bigger, now that I have an independent salary provider. From what I see right now, this would be the saddest and hardest Christmas I'll be spending in my life.

Slowly, I am starting to accept the reality that everything can happen... and the worst life can throw at me is lingering just around the corner.

Still, preparations are underway... hopefully when it strikes, I am ready.

Plowed and Sleepy (Quikie lang to)

Speaking of bot... Ahem ahem.

Ganun lang naman eh. Once I had my fill, I could stay sane for the next two weeks without whining to be... plowed again. Or should I say, plow for a change.

Iba talaga kapag sa SO mo ginagawa yung mga bagay na yun. Although, mas focus ang attention niya dun sa blue film na sinasabayan niyo, at least, you're doing it with...

For now, the rants about depravation will subside. I am content now, and thing is, the paranoia I am experiencing several days ago is slowly subsiding.

Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng...

---

I don't know if my premonitions were right but after several months of bolting out of my dad's company, they are indeed cash strapped.

However, such distress coming from them leaves me confused. Tama ba na nagsarili ako? Are my assumptions correct and now, no matter what happens we would not completely fall? Sana nga. Everything's so volatile these days. I just hope they would survive these hard times. Too bad, my priorities are to let mama and my sister survive.

After all, we're the only ones left. I think dad is already out of our life. The thoughts of him coming back home would create a great rift between us even more.

---

I am having a hard time adjusting to my officemates. Not that I avoid them, but most of the time, I find them too apathetic.

Or probably they're just reflecting the way I treated them.

Suffice to say, I'm still trying to see beyond and discover the uniqueness in each and everyone of them. Medyo hindi ko makita yung mga bagay na ma-iinterest ako sa kanila.

Another day. probably in the long run, I'd be bonded with them. Sana, before I get completely bored with what I'm doing right now.

Still, I'm holding on. The thought of thousands of young boys and girls still scouring the streets of Makati, Ortigas, Alabang and Libis to look for a job opening stills contentment in me.

---

I'm sleepy. I'm blabbing jagged thoughts, which should have been expressed better this evening.

I have to remind myself to download some songs of Kitchie Nadal soon.

A Sorta Fairytale

In my dreams, I saw their picture as a couple in my friendster account.

What surprised me is that a kid was in Sonny's back. It was like he was a father to that kid and that in the picture, he was showing how sporty a father he could be.

And they were both wearing a cap.

---

The details are already blurry now, but it was such a nice dream. Nathan, seems to be happy taking the role of a mother-material, and all I could remember is that they looked like a family.

A family every PLU couples wishes to have someday.

That dream reminded me of that I dreamt eons ago.

That I was holding a fair skinned kid, with a droopy singkit eyes. I was holding him like I was holding my own body, or my bud's body.

When I woke up, I've realized that he resembles a kid who came from us. His fair skin from my bud and the eyes from me.

If only PLUs can procreate...

---

Yeah, if PLUs get pregnant. Naka-dalawang bata na ako ngayon.

Parehong iba ang ama.

And man, If PLUs can really get pregnant,

we will have a very serious population problem if ever that happens.

at medyo mababawasan ang magpapa-bot.

Confessions of a Sex-Depraved Pervert

I began the day with a much much slower pace.

Excited with the prospects of phanks visiting home, I decided to get out of the bed at 8 am. Checked the web for 1 hour then proceeded to playing sims till noon.

By 1 I checked on phanks if he'd still go here. However, he said that his nose infection worsened and his eyes suffering the same, he said he cannot go out of the house.

Which really made me really disappointed and ever so doubtful of him.

And made me nap my depression till it fades.

---

Sometimes, I really wonder why on earth do I have to follow my own rules on fidelity.

Would it lead me into a better existence, especially now when I feel that bud's hiding something behind me?

I know, this is just a mere feeling. I had this some sort of feelings every now and then, and everytime it happens, the thought of "breaking my pact" appears as one of my options for stability.

But I know, until proven guilty, such dreadful mistake would pave the way for our destruction. I can't, no matter what I do, must trust myself on this one for I can easily be corrupted by my own fears and painful experiences.

But the cravings of the body sometimes overrides the rule of reason.

Sabagay, isang oras na chat lang naman sa IRC and probably I'd get what I want eh. But is it worth it? Would satisfying my urge further make my almost 2 year relationship become stronger?

I think not... and I wish my bud shares the same reasoning.

---

This issue is dragging me for almost five days already. Siguro nga, kulang lang ako sa assurance, and that assurance I am looking for is him to be with me in bed.

But you know what, in all this conflicts and disturbances, I avoid getting my bud entangled with me. Parang tingin ko, it's too much if ever he'll get caught on a problem that he didn't started anyway...

Maybe I should stop my whining and look forward to an uncertain tomorrow.

---

Still, I am extremely horny. Contrary to Boy Kampai, I rarely get contained by mere JO. And it shows in the frequency of how I often do those stuffs nowadays. I think I need to re-fleet my collection, pero katamad naman pumunta sa Quiapo... especially when you have to try your luck finding cds that are actually working.

O sha, isang round lang to... Hafta go now, I have to maximize my remaining time. Toorrow's just a blink of an eye

Swollen

My work takes a huge toll on my personal life.

Imagine, I would leave home at around 8:30 am, after spending less than 30 minutes to do my morning routines. I often sleep at around midnight so that leaves me with seven hours sleep. I'd work my ass for 8 hours, after which I proceed to Pedro Gil to meet my bud and accompany him up to Monumento or even Valenzuela, if money permits.

After which I would go home arriving around 9 pm. Then check the net for two hours which would leave me around an hour to think and ponder about tomorrow.

All in all, I spend something like 2-4 hours on my personal life, which is virtually useless especially now that I am severely cutting on my costs as my salary would only come on Monday.

And my extra salary 13 days from now.

---

Medyo mahihirapan ata akong mag-adjust dito. Especially now that our superiors have announced a 12-hour paid overtime schedule next week.

The thought of it really dampens my spirit. It numbs my soul as I begin to worry how will I make time for my buddy.

For what I really avoids is the disruption on our routine. Actually, I can sacrifice my free time just to maintain that routine and the threat of work overload makes me think of how long I can stay like this.

Kung hindi lang magde-December eh...

---

However, this work showed some of the best sides of me.

I've never seen my workaholic side ever since I started working two years ago. Following a strict schedule, na-aapply ko na yung mga time-estimation chuvaneses na ginagawa ko para i-track yung buddy ko o i-estimate ang time travel ko.

So far it works well on my performance. My co-workers somewhat considers me as having the most number of update outputs per day. Ewan ko lang kung tamad lang ako magbusisi ng trabaho pero para sa akin, normal speed ko na yun. Yung hindi ba nagmamadali, nasa tamang pace lang.

But I know, the true colors would show in the long run... Honestly right now, nagsisimula na akong magtaning sa sarili ko. I've started realizing that this job requires a lot of work, and that I'm afraid I cannot provide. It's true that sometimes you don't get what you really desire, you will have to contend yourself with what you have than have nothing at all.

---

Haay, I think I really need a good, hot and a-whole-night fuck.

Kahapon two days ako hindi nakapag-jack off, which often really shakes my sanity.

Kaya siguro medyo praning ako sa last post ko. Buti na lang I did it twice today.

Ahh. jakol... the last of my remaining personal habits nowadays. Mawala pa sa akin yun ay ewan ko na lang! I'd probably see myself spending one long time in the office CR... for that.

---

But seriously, I need sex soon.

---

Another working week has ended. Tomorrow I plan to keep my free day for myself, especially now that I am unsure of the things that will happen next week.

Honga pala, it was rumored that our building is plagued by wandering souls. Last night, may na-experience yung ka-officemate ko na something unexplainable in the ladies comfort room.

Kung mapapadalas lang yung mga ganung horror bouts, I think I'd stay longer... Just the thought of weekly horror stories makes me interested on the workplace itself. How I wish, more horrible apparitions would come. Of course, wag lang sa akin. Baka mamaya maging mala-ala Feng-shui na ang mangyari sa office.

Di ko ata keri yun.

---

O sha, my mind is wondering na. I still have to wait two hours for my bud to arrive. Mas mabuti na to kesa naman kung anu ano na naman ang iniisip ko tungkol sa kanya.

I'll try to keep updating my blogs despite the extremes that I will have to undertake soon. I have to admit

No matter what situation I am in, my blog is undesputedly my lifeline.

Mad Mad World

I was a squatter in my own home for the last 24 hours.

Thanks to my sister's deadline of submission of her term paper, I was forced to move out of my room as she raced to finish her document before noon this afternoon.

And it left me sleeping in the master's bedroom, beside my mom.

Actually it wasn't an issue naman eh. Being the goody-goody brother that I've become, what's important to me is that she completes her requirements to avoid getting INC in her classcard. I'd rather sacrifice one night wandering rather than see my sister loose her good standing in school.

And so, two days akong walang access sa internet.

---

The work is slowly getting into my nerves.

Ever since I started working, I often go home stressed out to the point of collapsing. Indeed, its true that you have to work your ass out just to earn money. Too bad, our first salary is still 15 days away.

The thought of working still for 15 days just for our efforts to bear fruits dampen my spirit. Indeed, life is really hard these days. Combine it with the threat of the security cutting my sustenance would really drive me insane.

And that's not all.

---

Lately, I can't stop myself for being suspicious of my bud.

I don't know if it's just my delusions telling me that he's keeping something behind my back, that there's someone involved in our relationship or this is just another product of my paranoia?

The weird thing is that whenever he says sweet nothing, it seems like it doesn't really came from him, or he's just forced to say those words just to assure me.

It's like something that came from the wind and it appeared as an sms message on my phone.

I know, this is nuts. But it sometimes brings me to the edge. Really at the very edge.

---

Feeling ko kasi parang pwersado siya sa lahat ng ginagawa niya para sa akin eh. Kahit minsan sobrang assuring pa ng mga text messages at sweet nothings niya.

Di ko alam bakit hindi ko kaya maniwala; bakit tuloy pa rin ang pagdududa at paghihinala ko na meron siyang iba.

Hindi kaya dahil medyo lumilitaw sakin na bagsak ang self confidence ko - physically kaya nagmamanifest sa kanya ang takot ko? Hindi kaya dahil wala na akong kumpyansa sa sarili ko kaya pinapasa ko sa kanya ang lahat ng to?

---

I keep on assuring myself that no matter what happens, I'd stand up if ever he betrays me.

I'd keep my promise of becoming a man-whore once again, this time more extreme than I used to be before.

I'd drop the thoughts of relationship and stick to the belief that men are bound to be cheaters. I'll throw away my "good" side and turn myself into a cheater just like those who cheated me.

And this time, I will never forgive. I'd curse those who'd hurt my heart for all eternity. I will forever be bitter...

---

That thought, no matter how negative or insane it is hold me together in times like this.

I think Yul would be laughing if ever he knew how much he destroyed me.

I think, no matter how I try to remain devoted, loyal and loving to phanks, a side of me will always create such nightmares for me to remember.

---

Suddenly I remembered a thought I heard long ago.

Too much love turns someone into a monster.

---

I think, with what I'm feeling these days, only a strand of sanity and reaffirmation holds me, before I hit him first without any thought of reason.

This paranoia would soon pass. I just hope I can hold on before I commit a mistake I sworn to avoid.

If Someone Would Ask Me Why...

1. I was teased being a queer for the most of my life. Even though I was hanging out with straight men, the doubt seems to hover still... But that time, I was real straight. The thoughts of bending over was relatively out of my mind.

2. It somehow stopped when I had a girlfriend. Too bad, I was starting to pirate blue porns at the middle of our relationship. However, the thought of having real sex with another PLU was relatively out of my mind... except at the latter part of our time, when I found myself posting at a Bi-thread in pinoyexchange.

3. I started believing that I am my dad's perfect karma. Putangina pala siya eh, napakababaero niya, tingnan natin kung putulin ko ang tsansa niyang ikalat pa ang lahi niya!

4. I adore my mom so much! Binuhay niya kami ng kapatid ko mag-isa! Dad was just a mere "provider" and nothing more.

5. I am abivalent towards my dad. Quever ko sa kanya, kasing tanda lang ng ex ko ang bago niya kabit ah!

6. I got all my personalities from my mom! Sori na lang si papa, kaya ko mag-angas at maging tigasin pero I think my heart remains feminate. Ika nga, ako yung masculine na may conflict sa sarili.

7. All the role models I followed were either females... or PLUs themselves! Malay ko bang ganun sila?

8. All my closest male friends are all PLUs. 35 sila lahat, isang federacion na kung tutuusin.

9. I have a relatively stable relationship. Tumagal pa kami ng isang taon at mauungusan ko na sila mama at papa pagdating sa stability sa pagiging buhay mag-asawa nila.

10. I am better this way. I found my strength being this way.

11. Sawa na ako sa mani, mas masarap ang hotdog.

12. I would always remember papu and I'd realize that man! Thank God he showed me the way.

13. I'd remember the OUTSIDERS, and I would realize that I became a full man because of them.

14. I have been blessed to be given the sweetest lover on earth. No one can take the place of HIM.

15. I'd think about how hard it is to have a family these days. Indeed, being fab and single is still the "best" option.

---

I just want to tell him straight that it was he who created me. He is the reason why I became like this and will remain to do so. Masyado mong pinababa ang tingin ko sa mga straight, salamat sayo!

Disturbing

My mom was hesitant while confiding this to me.

"Pinaguusapan ka sa opisina kasi madalas daw makita si "phanks" dun sa baba pag ginagabi ka. Tingin nila sayo eh isa kang closeta..."

WTF, I was dumbstruct. That was eons ago. And I thought nobody was looking. I was just pretending that we're friends. Di ko alam chismax na pala yun!

That's what I hate about that company. Lahat na lang blind item. Anyway who cares if they make stories? Buhay ba nila yun, akin namang buhay yun ah! They shouldn't say a fuck about my life. Tahimik lang naman ako ah. And who the fuck saw us? Dapat siguro eh intrigahin ko rin yung tarantadong yun!

---

However, the news bit me.

Indeed, everyone is starting to become aware with my activities. In fact, I think my mom is having doubts already. And I believe I can't do anything to alleviate those doubts.

Unless gumamit ako ng halaman para imaskara ko ang totoo...

Di ko alam, pero I feel disturbed with this revelation. Somehow, I am still not comfortable with myself no matter how I try to do so. It's like that reminder would always gives me a shock whenever I am living this "life."

It seems that I am not yet ready to accept myself completely. My fears manifested tonight, sana kapag dumating ang time, masabi ko rin ang lahat sa nanay ko. Tutal, this is my choice, my experiences reinforced my belief in living a life this way.

---

Pero nagtataka ako sa tatay ko.

It was a very very small story, pero bakit ganun. Nung dumating sa kanya eh bigla atang lumaki? Oo nga pala, I can still remember how I instructed the staff to keep everything from my papa since he tends to sensationalize things. Is it his nature already? pansin ko lang mahilig siya tsumika ah.

Is it possible that he's the carrier of the "G" genes that is active in me? Bakla kaya siya? Who knows. Probably that's the reason why he keeps on fucking different girls ALL the time.

He might be just reinforcing his masculinity, for the sake of hiding the real truth.

---

And that, my friends, is indeed disturbing.

Parang Politics na Ewan

Tagalog Mode.

Medyo gusto kong sumuka kanina habang nasa loob ako ng FX papasok sa trabaho. Kung pwede lang dumugo ang tenga ko habang nakikinig sa mga basurang paliwanag ng AFP tungkol sa nadiskubreng nakawan ng pera sa pagitan ni Major Gen. Garcia at yung mga arms supplier ng ating sandatahang lakas. Kapal talaga ng mukha, hindi na nahiya sa lahat ng Pilipinong halos makipagpatayan para lang magkasya ang kakarampot nilang sweldo para sa isang araw.

Na medyo nararamdaman ko na ngayon... dahil sa trabaho ko; dahil sa mga nakakasalamuha ko habang naghahanap buhay rin ako.

GSIS General Manager should be persecuted. He should be humiliated. Kanina may iniinterview si Ted Failon na retired janitor ng isang paaralan sa Manila. Simula pala umupo yang si Winston Garcia eh marami palang pensionado ang hindi na nakatanggap ng kanilang pera.

Which made me think... para atang may badblood sa angkan ng mga Garcia... I think it runs in the name... Tama ba?

---

Stressed out, terrified at the prospects of loosing my salary in my dad's company, tas makakarinig pa ako ng ganitong mga balita... these are the things that makes me cynical about everything.

What do you expect GMA sucks big time; Desperate movie personalities put themselves at the very edge of sanity by inventing pathetic and horrible gimmicks on national television; the government is at the bring of collapse; people are getting poorer and poorer; the media giants sugarcoats everything for the masa... and the list goes on.

Nakakasawa na rin ang ganito na lang palagi. Sometimes, I get to think how those bastards get rich while the rest of us remain stagnated. It's like everyone is getting desperate and those who should be leading us to progress and morality are the first ones to show their monstrous faces.

Haay buhay, never thought life is like this at the other side.

---

On a lighter note, I had the most intimate bonding moments with my officemates. Na-aattach na rin ako sa kanila kahit paano.

I just remembered, the reason why I did stayed with Infinite Ideas that long was that I found friends within the company. And when they started leaving, I just could not afford to remain, with new people around. Everything suddenly becomes alien.

I hope everything would take a good turn from here. It would take time before I get assimilated, but in doing so, I would learn many things that ka-conyohan would never teach.

Superunification

Now that my work eats most of my free time, spending it with the ODDERs has become more special this week.

It's like I have one night to be what I really am, apart from being a co-breadwinner, a serious researcher who keeps everything to himself, a faithful and devoted lover, a busy person. Tonight, I let my fab side shine through. I don't care what other people might think, as long as I am with my brODDERs, no one can say what should I be.

We met tonight to celebrate James' birthday. The past celebrations are still fresh in my mind, and I think that tonight has become another landmark in our history. For the first time, some others who lost touch some months ago came. By now, I can confidently claim that we have recovered from Omeng's absence. He is assured out there that if ever he returns, he will see his family complete, just like when he left.

James' party was celebrated in a pizza house somewhere in Ortigas. Man! the food was great. Solb talaga na konti lang kinain ko the whole day. Henry's presence made our night lively, if not rowdy. Sana lang eh cool lang siya kahit na tampulan siya ng asaran minsan. I'd still say that he bonds us by the character he portrays in the group. He is indeed missed by everyone.

Chris, who confided his resentments some weeks ago was also present. Sa totoo lang, I'd almost given up on him joining the group again, especially now that he found solace in being alone. I think Rommel was right, after we showed concern when he was confined in the hospital, he realized that he is part of us. Some might not be as close to him as I do, but his presence is well appreciated by everyone who came.

On the secondth week, Carlo remains the scene stealer. Mukha ngang meron na kaming bagong center of attraction ngayon. His punchlines, together with those from Benchboy and Paul never fails to bring smiles on our faces. They exude a very jolly aura that makes the group prouder as ever.

Still, the phrase "Iisang bangka" lives on. Indeed, a lot of things changed after Rommel left for the US, however the foundation remains intact. We may be composed of subgroups once in a while, but the core touches everyone's lives. I hope that we can sustain such bondness rarely scene in LBGT groups like us. Somehow, the exclusivity of the group helped us maintain that status quo. This wasn't the group I've seen 8 months ago.

Tonight, the fires of our first bondings reverberated at James' party. It was the spirit that made us survive the most difficult times when we were just starting.

Pains of Adaption II

In some perspectives, I'd call that oppression every newbie will have to endure.

Like what I've said, we have work on saturdays. If you ask me, that was my biggest consideration why I declined the last offer given to me by a consultancy that deals with franchising. If I could just choose my ideal job, I'd want that the company I'll work for spare my saturdays for my personal life.

But this time, since the holidays is just around the corner, and the threat of overspending, thanks to the much anticipated christmas shopping frenzy, I have to accept the first job offered to me. I cannot afford to choose anymore.

That's why I am working right now. Mag-aadjust nga lang talaga ako.

---

Today, we sorted the papers (RSLs) for updating prioritization. Good thing, we found a way to sort it out without spending too much time on one RSL. I found the key using Microsoft Outlook. Galing nga eh, first time ko lang ginamit yung software, tas natutunan ko na para paganhin yun! If you ask me, I want to claim that as my victory. Imagine, andami naming natipid na oras dahil dun. Yun nga lang, since may na overlook akong instructions ng supervisor namin, inulit ko yung sorting. Pero ok na yun, I'm happy that I did some innovations to save us a lot of time. I just hope that I can do such feat when the real work comes.

---

Pasensya na, medyo kalat-kalat pa ang thoughts ko ngayon. Kaya taglish mode ako. Sabi ko naman eh, talagang sasabog ang utak mo kapag ganun ka multi-tasking ang job mo. Isa pa kakagising ko lang dahil ang tagal ng break namin at natulog lang ako buong break. Waking up from a brief but deep nap makes you somewhat lethargic.
---

These past few days, medyo distansiya ako sa mga kasama ko. Marahil eto ang isa sa mga adjustments na kelangan kong lampasan. Wala lang, parang mas gusto ko maging mag-isa kesa sumama sa kanila mag-break tuwing hapon. Gastos lang rin kasi eh, mas makabubuti pa na mag-nap na lang ako sa room at intayin magsimula ulit yung trabaho namin.

Sa totoo lang, medyo lumalabas ang pagiging workaholic ko dito sa trabahong to, and at the same time ang pagiging loner ko... PLUng-PLU talaga kung iisipin mo eh. I would rather prefer to complete my objectives before doing something else. Di ko alam kung naappreciate nila yun, pero I'm not there to impress, nature ko lang siguro maging ganun... Sana sa ganung viewpoint nila ako nakikita, badtrip kung ngayon pa lang, iba na ang nasa isip nila.

---

Simula monday, our work starts from 10 am to 6 pm. Ganda ng sked no? Pero kung papipiliin mo ako, masaya na ako sa 9 - 5 work sched namin ngayon. Yun nga lang, hindi kami ang nagse-set ng policy - yung mga supervisors. Kinakatakot ko lang eh siguradong maapektuhan ang pagkikita namin ni Phanks lalo na kapag panay overtime na kami. Buti sana kung ilalagay nila ang overtime sa umaga... pero sureball yun, sa gabi mangyayari ang overtime. Ngayon pa lang ang dami ko ng huddles na kailangan malampasan. Hirap talaga magsarili. Kasi naman, sinanay akong maging ganito eh.

---

Bago kami umuwi kanina, pinapili kami ng sarili naming computer table.Yun ang magiging working station namin. Malinaw na pinili ko yung dun sa dulo, pero hindi tapat ng aircon... pero yung isa sa mga makakasama naming insider eh sinuggest na magkakasama daw dapat yung mga insiders saka newbies. Sapol ako dun. Understandable na yung matatapat sa aircon eh maliit at payat na lalaking kasama namin, at maaring magkasakit siya dahil sa dalas ng exposure sa lamig... pero... wala lang tinamaan lang ako dun. Naramdaman ko bigla na

oo nga pala, baguhan lang ako, sila ang totoong mga diyos dun.

---

Medyo mas humihirap ang adjustment ngayon ah. Hindi ko ata ineexpect na ganito ang magiging feeling ko kaagad.

The Nth Cash-Rush Madness

On my fifth day of work, I started contemplating about money... again.

This time, it's about ensuring my family's survival. It's great that starting october 30, I'd be getting twice the amount of salary I'm earning these last four months, provided that sikyu agency would still support me.

I hope and pray that Life would give me a break this time.

---

Honestly, I've been teaching myself to be content and happy with what I have. But if there's one question I'd ask God when I talk to Him, I'd ask the Creator how would I teach myself to be secure... I do understand that I can't get what I really wanted (since I'm sure that I'd probably ask for more when I finally get it), but just in case... I really needed a financial backer, one that would allow us to survive and live comfortably for the rest of our lives.

I've been banking on my sister lately to do well in school and graduate on time. She's still two years ahead of graduation so I hope that she'd make it before mom retires from work. As for me, the salary I will be getting is just the same amount I'm getting from my dad's company. Alone, it is insufficient, and besides I'm sure that it would not contain me in the long run. Right now, I'm already planning up measures to boost my bank's balance and get back to the point where it crashed last june.

---

At work, one big huddle that I will have to face is that my job requires a lot of overtiming - read... OVERTIMING. Aside from that, we have work even on Saturdays. That's why its kinda badtrip sometimes. Good thing, James' bud works with the same set up. At least, I'm not alone with this flight, someone in Zambales is being "exploited" this way.

But seriously, I am still looking forward to the job itself - no matter how brain draining it could be. It requires so much meticulocity that one might find his brain falling off the ground as he try to sort out individual data from the gigabase.

We have spent the last two days just studying the specifications of the job, thrice we had a break because the computer and our brains just can't absorb all the information that was given.

---

Oh well, time to relax and play sims 2 again. These days, a lot of my free time is spent by either browsing the internet or playing sims or sleeping. Thank God, I still arrive on time for work... Thank God that my family, buddy and the rest of my loved ones are safe and away from harm. Thank God my dad's two businesses is still operating.

I shouldn't be complaining too much. I know, my life would be stuck more in a box as my new work becomes complicated... But I will earn money. I should... think like that.

Others will say that I'm greedy. In fact, greed has actually consumed me, I just don't want to accept the truth.

But when I think about my family - my mom and my sister. I think It's not really greed that have eaten me, its my own fear that drives me crazy; So much insecurity taught me one big deal about life.

That it's better to be responsible now, than to be self centered for the rest of your life.

Deviance

Disconnected
My world is silent, Sleepy
I am still waiting for his reply.

At Least, I Didn't Saw Hell This Time

Unlike when I was on the third day of training from my last job in a call center.

----

We started this day by actually working on our project. Our task is to validate whether the data given to us by our client has an e-mail address or not. Yes, we are researchers, that's our job description, and honestly, the job we did a while ago was more of netsurfing than actually researching at all. (except of course moi, I'm a trained uzi so I did read the websites we've been visiting.)

I told myself yesterday that I should not to be bibo whenever I'm in the office. Pero I can't shut my mouth since I'm really curious about my job. It's like I want to have an assurance/I still have a hang-over from my bossy days. Ang hirap tol, it's like I'm trying to contradict my nature.

And mom warned me about politics. I just hope that I still hasn't messed up my image despite the craps I did while working this afternoon.

Pero the job is really nice. Katuwa talaga! But it's draining. I never thought my brain will fall off by just searching through web pages the whole day.

---

Medyo nabadtrip ako sa kasama ko.

Sensya na pero mahina ang tolerance ko, whenever someone pronounce words the wrong way. I know, that I should understand her background. Pero jusko, sobra naman ata kung mismong salitang Wisconsin eh hindi mo mabanggit ng tama. At wag ka, I kept on pronouncing the word the proper way. Ewan ko ba kung nakikinig ang loka o nagpipilit na tama ang sa kanya.

Hehehe, sabay pareho palang mali ang pronounciation namin ah! Kahiya.

---

But seriously, I will exert a great deal of effort adjusting to the people I have to work with. I have to adapt to their lifestyle, I have to learn to shut my mouth even if I find myself right and them wrong. Anyway, I will start working alone the moment I get my own PC. I just hope I didn't piss them off by the way I relate to these people.

You know politics, it's a dirty game and no one is spared the moment its light is cast upon you.

---

But there are two good things that happened today at work.

First, our output was twice as much as those from the other group. Kahit na medyo asar ako sa pagpronounce niya ng mga english words, She is a good teamplayer. Yun nga lang, pati mag-type at dumiskarte sa search engine eh paling rin. But who knows, she might improve better than me in the long run. Grammar pa lang, bagsak na ako. Hers might be better.

Second, I met one of the bosses in the company. His name is ___. He looks cute, cool and boyish. Crush ko na nga eh. Lolz, pero hindi PLU yun. I'm sure meron nang pamilya yung boss naming yun. But he seems so approachable like our supervisors, plus we seem to have the same background coming from another "world." Yun nga lang, boss siya, while I have to adapt a more humble existence.

Which I have to constantly remind myself while I am still starting...

I enjoy the job and somehow understand how it works. It challenges me to do my best, not just to impress my bosses but to show those companies who rejected me before that I can be the best in my field. Actually, I really don't care about promotions... as long as the company feels that I am its asset and my co-workers are satisfied with the level of understanding and compassion I have with them, then I will be happy with that.

You see, working in a new company is like starting a new relationship which began with sex. Makikilala mo pa lang siya eh magbuddy na kayo. I know, adjusting would take time. Kung hindi lang talaga malapit na mag-christmas, at kung hindi lang ako dala magjobhunting, probably the thoughts of backing out would be stronger, than the urge to settle down.

Right now, I am content and happy... I am growing from the experience and I am challenged to do my best. I just hope I will not burn out soon.

---

And yeah, staring at the PC tonight makes me wanna puke. More than 8 hours na ako nasa harap ng PC!!!

Pains of Adaption

It started to feel like home there. My co-trainees are friendly, approachable and best of all very human. I never experienced this way before, not in EPAC or in any other company I set my foot in.

Today, we were further oriented about the intricacies of the job we need to do. It seems like I am quite familiar with the scope of work, but obviously I really need to polish my grammar. Ewan ko ba paano ako natuto magsulat samantalang modifiers eh hindi ko alam kung ano.

I have to confess that I want to perfect my job performance. I want to rise to the top, without them feeling my determination. I want to show a normal, shy and ordinary face, but gradually I know my target. I just hope I could stay long enough for me to adjust.

My work will be from Monday to Saturday starting at 9 am. That's why my private time was cut considerably. Last night I slept at around 11 and woke up at 6 am. Hopefully I will not be late in as long as I work with that shift.

We took a grammar refresher test this morning. Actually the test was a wake-up call for me. Since my start yesterday, I envisioned myself to be all knowing... a master of my own craft. I wanted to show how advance my skills are, and how willing I am to employ those talents for SENCOR. But I'm afraid that I have to remind myself of a lot of things.

First, I am just a newbie. The in-house recruits are already years ahead of me. In fact, they made a career in that company. It's impossible for me - to even match their experience. I will always have to listen no matter how advance I am when it comes to my writing skills.

Second, I have this guilt feeling of leaving dad's Security Agency without informing them of my new work. I am nursing this feeling for some time now, but for the sake of replenishing my savings before the holidays, I need to keep quite. I might be missing from them for months, or even years... however I have to do this to ensure my own survival. As long as I am working in SENCOR, and as long as my dad's company would still deposit my "salary" in my bank. I will be earning twice the amount I was earning last month.

But still I feel guilty. Forget about sensitivities. I want to get rich.

However, back to SENCOR, I will try my best to shed off those last remnants of my bossy days. I will adapt an employees profile, and will keep my background as much as possible. Right now, I am already beginning to feel my body and mind's rejection to changes. But I still hope that I can show my best here, especially since I found them without anyone's help... except Santa Clara. I made this petition a week before I submitted my resume to them.

Proxi, you have to remember to look where you are going. You have to box yourself as long as you can, or your stinking smell would reek into the noses of your co-trainees. It's not just judge you by your performance, but also your ability to blend with others. Drop off the idea that you are better than your other two trainees.

You have to remember always that you are not a god, and this is not your playground.

As I Close My Day

Half past one this morning, I was disrupted from my dream. I was prematurely awaken by my excitement in my first day of work. Since sleeping again after waking at the middle of the night is quite difficult and time consuming, I decided to spend the rest of the twilight playing sims closing a season ending in Pleasantview.

I was the second who arrived at the office. The first one, who came from the second batch was already there since 6:30 am. She introduced herself as Marge, an Ilonggo lady with a thick visayan accent. We had a little chit chat as I browse the magazines in the waiting area. It was past 8 when we were called to proceed to the training room.

To my surprise, our trainor is non other than the recruitment manager. She was assigned to handle the new campaign, as we are the pioneer batch of that project. Out of around 15 applicants, four were only chosen. As part of the four, I've realized that I can find my job on my own. The last three months of jobhunting has consumed a chunk of my confidence. I was severely shaken... but since this company saw my potentials, I think it is my duty to serve them with the best of my abilities.

---

We spent the whole day discussing the policies of SENCOR with Ms. Check. Since I was the "only meat among the lush botanical garden surrounding me," I always become the example whenever the trainor would expound a policy.

---

Sa totoo lang, medyo nabasag ang ideal bubble ko nung nalaman ko yung scope ng work ko. Work is till Saturday, shifting schedule, meager pay and possibly a lot of overtimes. It was quite disappointing... but rather than back away again, like what I did in RK Consulting and E-Pacific Global,

this time I'd face the challenge head on.

---

However, I immediately felt a sense of connection to the trainer. She's been like an elder sister to us during the whole period. Probably this would become the strongest reason for me to stay. Rarely do I feel such closeness to a person I've just met.

I will try to sleep early tonight so that I'd have a strong chance of waking up ahead of time. You see, I still want to play Sims2 before I leave. Besides, I heard this nice song while going home from Valenzuela this evening. I need to download that song as soon as possible.

Spending My Last Bum Episode on Earth

Tomorrow, everything will be different.

It's a timing that the last company where I sent my resume hired me. I'm in for training after two weeks of waiting, I just hope that everything would turn out good as I envisioned it to be. I hope Sencor will be my home.

I started my celebration two days before. In San Miguel's well-promoted but poorly planned Octoberfest. Last night was an official contingent so I was there to have fun with my BrODDERs. It was great while the beer was flowing. There are too many whammies to look at. As usual, we've once again terrorized another bar with our endless laughter and Carlo's never ending punchlines that made us laugh even louder. Suddenly, Ortigas became queerer than it used to be in weeks.

Still, Chris is in the hospital, while Omeng's grandmom passed away. I am planning to organize a contingent visit to Chris and the funeral of Omeng's lola. I'd try not to invite through YG. This one requires a more personal approach.

---

I woke up this afternoon, played Sims 2 again and watched several episodes of the Amazing Race. It was a good season since the celebrated gay couples Reichen and Chip, who broke up a month after they've won the jackpot price was one of the teams.

It made me do research more about the ex-couples. Sad to say, after all their shared victories together, it was their fate to separate. Too sad for an ending I should say.

---

I wish that I could adapt to my new wake-up schedule as soon as possible. Going to work at 7:45 am is not an easy task. Especially since I am a bum for a quarter of the year. I'd like to post more about some side stories that happened this week. Some victories that I started but never become part of its ending. Perhaps in another entry or another blog, I'd reserve a story for that.

"There's no place like home," as the cliche goes. I think I'd stay here for a while, where I can bare myself more... without pretending to be straight or otherwise. Good thing, this blog was meant for my BrODDERs, who I think is still not aware of its yesterday's revival. They will find out in time.

For now, I'd just enjoy the universe's silence.

Octobershit

I am temporarily activating this blog.

As it goes, I have a new blog somewhere across the globe. Since privacy is not an option there, I chose to censor everything I say on that blog, particularly about my preference. So far, it's been my lifesaver for this past two months.

James and I went to Octoberfest last night. Man, the place is full of shit. (Sorry for the word). Ang baho baho, andaming jologs and most of all ang haba ng pila. I'd rather settle in an expensive bar than to be seen in that place.

Since the venue pissed us off. We decided to hang around Congo Grill. Inom dito, usap dun... Good thing, I had a great bonding session with Kapatid. Most of the times kasi, we're both busy when seeing each other in the contingents. Masarap rin kasi i-open ang mga ideas mo about the group to the person who began the thread in the first place.

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Two of my former co-trainees resigned at EPAC yesterday. As in, sobrang nalungkot ako dahil alam our batch might be extinct soon. Nakakamiss rin kasi kahit paano, bihira lang ako makaramdam ng ganung feeling na ka-level mo lang ang mga tao and you're looking up to your bosses. Most of the time, things are different.

I'd start my new job on monday. I am a researcher for an IT company somewhere in Pasay. I hope that the atmosphere is nice, the people are cool, the salary is tolerable and of course, I have room for growth. I don't want those hope bubbles burst too soon. If all goes well, mapera ang Christmas ko. Lolz.

---

I know, it will be the focus of our contingent tonight. But yeah, Chris was rushed in the hospital last night. Seizure daw, but the doctor said it was a mild stroke.

Punyeta, tumatanda na talaga ang dalaginding! I think it was oversex that knocked him. At the ICU, kitang kita namin talaga kung paano bumibilis ang heartbeat niya everytime ikwekwento niya yung last sexcapade niya... nung umaga ring yun. And mind you, notable daw yung na-bottom niya. Hehehe.

Our visit last night made me realize that we're actually into each other's lives. We're more of a close-knit extended family now. Supporting each other whether it be about career, family, lovelife and even yeah, health. Dati rati, we just exist for gimmicks. But since James, Jonas and Rommel visited me when I was confined a year ago... and when a contingent was diverted in East Avenue Med. when Bench was rushed in the hospital last month... and when we found ourselves barging through ICU this morning just to see if Paldeng was ok.

Oh man, we're really a brotherhood. If all goes according to plan. We'd grow old together.

I just hope we can recruit whammy caregivers by that time.