Sweet Sweet Payday

Who would ever thought that the end product of all those ramblings, and near-submission of a resignation letter would actually bear one of the sweetest fruit I had this year?



I swear, the job was back breaking and nerve wrecking. This is so far, the most intense performance I had in my career. Countless times did I complain here in my blog about my condition. In fact, it ended with that very personal posts on my reactions to my boss' inquiry about my early departure in the office.



I was really bitter during the last few weeks - enduring only with the thought that someday, this job would eventually burn me.



But after I recieved my paycheck this afternoon, things turned around in an instant. The things my mom used to say about why many people would rather work overtime than rest at home, began to have sense to me.



---



I was aware that my overtime work was well compensated - but never did I delve into the thought of earning more because of that. In fact, I saw overtimes as a violation of my freedom and right to do what I want after I served the 8 gruelling hours I have to do at the office.



Before, the elder members of our team used to say that they recieve double-digit salaries because of continous overtime. At first I just downplayed the idea since I am not in the mood to do overtime work, especially when I found out how repetitive it is.



But this afternoon, I found out the things they were saying before were all right. Overtime really pays well, especially to those who patiently lets the time pass from sunrise to sundown, enduring severe cold thanks to the big aircons and lack of sleep due to R&R extension till midnight.



Upon signing my payslip... I didn't never bothered to look at my computation. The first thing I saw was my net pay which was... unbelieveable.



My God! I am 30% richer!



I think I'd be more excited to render overtime from now on.



---



With that I just remembered what Maam Pepin, our Faculty Secretary said during the hardest times of my appeal to be admitted in UST before. Her words became my battlecry everytime things turn against me and disappointments piles up, as if hope was almost gone after a long and bitter fight.



Now that I have savoured a victory. Indeed,





when there is no pain, there is no gain.

Foreskin Galore

I'm researching an organization that advocates for foreskin restoration and abandonment of circumcision of men. I don't know if there's really some medical/scientific proofs about the benefits of being uncircumsised. But somehow, I regret



Di na lang sana ako tinuli.

I should have enjoyed playing more using my fs.



What a wonderful and unique person me and my batutuy would have become....

November Rain

Indeed, late Novembers and chilly, rainy evenings don't mix. It should have been a very chilly starry-starry evening today but no thanks to the uninvited typhoon rampaging the Bicol Region, we have to endure a colder and lonelier nights this week. People should have been flaunting their christmas lights on the facade of their houses, but instead, the metropolis is less colorful tonight.



However this kind of setting make me feel nostalgic. It seems like the melancholy it brings allows me to tap those hidden memories of my youth - where such moments brings deep and longing loneliness, as I ride my way home in my school bus.



I could still remember, how such evening pour puts down the spirits of everyone in the neighborhood; friends and neighbors chooses to stay at home rather than spend a cool, soothing evening hanging outside their houses and make chismis about the hottest controversy in the alley. On the streets, you'd find people running after jeeps and buses overcrowded with more people who are in a hurry to home. We don't own a car before and whenever I see my mom trying to compete with "normal" people to find a ride.



It makes my heart sink into desperation...



---



Evening rains makes me wanna wish, that all my loves ones be close to me. During stormy nights, I'd wish that we would stay in one room as strong winds ram my side of the house producing as slight tremor as if the whole foundation of this home would be ripped apart

to be carried in another block.



It was this timely moment when I would think about my parents, who were still on their way home - when we were still complete. I'm not sure if its the thick looming clouds, or the near-zero visibility that makes me feel longing for everyone. Whenever rain pours down on the streets, every drop, every splat, and every gush of water reminds me how empty and fleeting the world is.



For some unexplainable reasons, the sound of droplets falling at the rooftops still leaves me slightly uncomfortable and trembling...



---



Tonight, the rains have returned again after a long happy hiatus. It should have been a night of revelry and astonishment for me after they decided to put up the Christmas tree. But no, I am

here locked in my room, spawning my own solitude.



Surrounded by a thick mist, freezing siberian winds and deafening tapping of raindrops. This evening, my mind heaves from the weight of its own nostalgia.

Children of the Sun

It was after rommel and I concluded that what destroys ODDERs was the influx of new peoplein the group, which loosens up our identity. After such realizations we decided to discourage the recruitment of newbies to join the OUTSIDERs.



It was almost 8 months ago when we closed our doors. For so long, all we did was to intesify our bondings, especially when Omeng left for the US. As far as I can say, that WAS still the most challenging thing that happened to us. We almost lost some of our best and brightest members after he left.



But for some strange reason, our thread in PEx still allures PLUs to join in and be partof this mighty group. Some weeks ago, several new Pexhandles appeared on our thread, interested to join our discussion - which is almost completely non-existent after most of us have diverted their interests in the yahoo groups. But these newbies remained long enough in the PEx thread for us, particularly the founder to notice them.



During the previous contingent, did we discussed that we could open our doors to newbies,especially after the Sapa Queen complained that "wala na siyang malabhan na damit." It was agreed upon that we'll open ODDERs for new people, hopefully to strengthen us by addingnew faces in the group.



---



Yesterday, a contingent was set upon.



Honoring my promise to these newbies, I suddenly decided to become the emissario once again.The moment I got Kapatid's message, it was immediately forwarded to those who were interestedto meet us.



9:30 pm, Gerry's Grill.



Since it was a time-honored ODDERish tradition that people would arrive late, the newbies foundthemselves too early for the event. In fact, I was fashionably late myself but at least, RoyKenzo and PJ was there too. The four of us become the welcoming committee as we waited for the rest to arrive.



---



At 12, most of the expected ODDERs were already present. Beers were overflowing and everyone,from one end of the table to the other side had his own circle of conversation. At our side,it was Roy and Benchboy who stole the limelight. These duo, when combined becomes a fabulousattraction to our side of conversation. That's why, I really do miss when one of them is absent in our gatherings little precise punchlines do really catch one's attention.



---



It was during Carlo aka Mango79's performance that we really did roll over our seats laughing and turned one side of Gerry's into a comedy bar.



I swear, this guy can sway crowds with his punchlines!



For three more hours, we were laughing our hearts out - From Gerry's to Cable Car, he was the bankero after the Hiram Sisters left the podium (hehehe). The newbies, with his arrival did became much more bonded with us. As most of them had already loosened up their inhibitions. James and I were relating the ODDER's story to Renz while Aldrin, the 18-year old kid who first met PLUs last night, had a good and wonderful philosophical conversation with the other group.



Migs left early since his parents were alreadylooking for him.



It was a long and good night. I think it was well worth it that I stayed long enough to closethe contingent. Good thing, I didn't bring phanks along or I could not have performed my dutiesas one of the auxilliary bangkero - and become the primo emissario.



---



Looking back, I think I made a slight error on the way I chose my invitees. Deliberately,I didn't invited Aldrin to the contingent since I found him a two-timer in PEx. We've alwaysshunned people who also posts to AN, after one of them sneaked out on one of our biggest gatherings only to join the other group. After that, I've perceived people who posted inthat thread (with the intention too of joining us) deem untrustworthy.



Last night, it seems like he'll become the star newbie. Very young and completely uneducated to our ways; a straight curious who has a philosphy that can be molded. If allgoes well, I'm sure that he'll become the youngest member of the OUTsiders. I just hope that he'll still find us, amusing if not interesting so that we could see him again inour next gathering.



Kringle Bear, I think I was wrong to judge him that early. I think he deserves another chance...



---



Kesibi, the most loyal (when it comes to newbie affairs) was observant and contemplative. He admits, that he joined a group like ours before so he's not new in this kind of scene.Before he left, he said that he was moved by our brotherhood and that our stories inspiredhim to believe that such heights of friendship among PLUs could ever exist.



Well dude, like I've said. It was a long and bitter journey to get here. We lost a lot ofmen trying to correct our ways, but so far - we did manage to remain intact.



Too bad, his sidekick, who I sensed to be very effeminate (which is fine anyway) despite his basagulero looks seems so quiet. His silence overshadowed the chance Kesibi had tomingle with the rest of us.



But he too, is a very promising new member.



---



Lastly, Migs, who was the guy I met almost three years ago in my first group decided tomake his presence felt last night. I really have to thank Stan and Kenzo and the restof SMS (Samahang Makikisig at Single) arm of Odders for accomodating him into their fold.



It was he, who introduced me to Alien Nation during its concepcion. Too bad, I did evolvedfar far different after making my first appearance in that thread.



And did I mention that he's my sister's classmate in one of her subjects? That's why I needto keep this guy. I might need his assistance looking after my little sister.



---



Last night, James asked for their e-mail addresses. They are definitely the newest additionto our Yahoo Groups.



Last night, I texted omeng how I missed his presence in the group. 3 months after he left,he still is the pillar no one among us singlehandedly could ever match.



Last night, I've realized how I missed the company of Paldeng, Henry, Papu, Arrjae, PJ, Glendel and Stolich. certainly, the most heartwarming memories don't leave you that easy.



Last night, Nathan was again suffering from a headache. Like your ever faithful buddy, I too was really worried.



Get well bro.



---



I woke up this afternoon with a lingering loneliness from last nights hang-over.



I found my freedom in the company of ODDERs.

Such brief moment of freedom, when leaves, makes you completely empty.

Soundtripping On A Sunny Saturday Morning

Working on a beautiful saturday morning is really bullshit. But since I have adapted already to this working lifestyle, I might as well enjoy it. Tutal, a saturday work means an extra income. Ok na rin to kahit paano.



One thing I like in the morning shift is that the bosses aren't here... well except for my ever-concerned supervisor who was hired two weeks after we started working on the floor. Having her as our supervisor means that she's more lenient and comfortable to work with compared to my other bosses, and besides we share the same wavelength since we came from the same educational environment before we arrived here.



Anyway, as the music from the radio blared again, I've realized that they were still tuned in to Love Radio. My God, I was working straight for 12 hours yesterday and the whole time, it was tuned in to that friggin station. But of course, there's nothing wrong with Love Radio. In fact, it's kinda amusing to listen to novelty songs once in a while... but to listen the whole day, dude, I'm not committing suicide here... hellur!!!



Take for example yesterday, the Song to Memorize this week was a new song by Regine. Ampota, I heard it yesterday morning, then it was played again at around brunch time, then it was played again at around 2 pm, then again at 5 pm which matching sabay kanta from my collegues here at work. It was the same with other songs. Anubayun, nauubusan ba sila ng patutugtugin?



Lucky for me, since I am in-jigs with my morning shift supervisor, I can ask her if I could change the station of our radio.



If I have a choice, I'd switch it to NU-107, but since our happy radio only tunes in to three stations, I have no choice but to choose the two alternatives. I was lucky to find some super-conyo station today. I tuned it to Jam 88.3 and my morning and suddenly, my morning became inspiring.



---



What I prefer about my music is that it should be alternative/indie - meaning, only few people knows my music and fewer would appreciate it. I prefer light alternative over metal or some other genre that involves shouting and cursing. I like my songs to be melancholic, if not relaxing. I would really love to travel listening to songs that could make me contemplate about things.



Often, I download the songs I liked on KAzAA. That way, I could include it in my collection of MP3s (which I think could already be considered as one of the most diversed among the OUTSIDERs.) In fact, I think the only one who rivals my MP3 collection is James.



If only I could have access to more indie-light alternative music like today, then I'd spend most of my evening downloading songs as I compose an entry in my blog.



---



Before, when I was often in the party crowd, I'd choose House Music over Hip Hop. Nun nga, I was engrossing myself with Diva House when my gangsta cousin from the US, influenced me to make space for Hip Hop in my genre. After our unforgettable party at Temple, where a nice lady made passes on me, I started adopting that genre - buying pirated Hip Hop CDs at University Mall if time allowed.



And house music? Well, ever since I dropped out of Malate, I've realized that its time has already ended. We would wait perhaps another year, before another mutation of club sounds appears on our disco bars.



Sad for toinks and arrjae eh? ganun talaga eh.



---



For as long as I could remember, music has always been one of my best way of relaxation/find relaxation - From the enchanting voice of Enya and happy-go-lucky songs of Eraserheads during 2nd year highschool; to the angsty, jaded songs of Green Day, Paula Cole and Alanis Morissette during 4th year h.s.;

From Smashing Pumpkins, Cranberries and a dozen of alternative bands during College and Trance, house, chill out when I started partying after graduation -



I think I've always been a soundtripper.



---



Goodness, the songs played in Jam, was sooooooooooooooooo cool! pare, why did I never discovered that station a long time ago?

Fragments

No matter how I try to live a frugal existence,

my salary seems to slip out of my hands

without me ever noticing it.



Is it really hard to live with an 18k these days?



---



While going to Pedro Gil

to meet phanks,

the lady two seets from me

suddenly became the newest victim

of bag snatching.



Taft is really a very dangerous place.

I should be wary



---



Still, whenever I see a guy

who's the same age as me driving his own

car, I cannot help but to feel

envy.



I should have been driving my own car.

if only he didn't committed that grave mistake.



But hey, I don't cry over spilled milk,

it was just some lingering resentment...



we should have been rich.



---



7 pm and Lawton was covered

in dust and smoke.

however, when the jeep

began to ascend the Quiapo bridge,



a very cool and refreshing wiff

of air coming from Arrocerros park

reinvigorated my soul.



How I wish, Manila would become

greener and lushier than it is today.



How I wish someone would realize

that the best cities in the world are those

who have the biggest open spaces within it.



---



I arrived before 8,

I played my PC for two hours

ate my dinner

took a bath and

wrote this entry



Suddenly I realized how time flies... so fast

it's time for me to sleep.



---



Ace was right.

our age is the time when we wanted to

do a lot of things,

but we often fall

short of everything

because of time.

Eternal Blue Sky

Before I went inside the building after I've eaten our lunch, I suddenly noticed how blue was the sky today. It seems like the storm that came several days ago left with her cloudy entourage tidy as before she came.

Whenever I find time to look at the sky, it seems like for a moment, I become a teen again. Before in highschool and mid-college, I'd hang around places where most of my age finds boring.
In fact, my favorite spot was the breakwater behind Folk Arts Theater. Countless times, I'll bring a friend there and we'd enjoy the translucent sea as the golden orange sky fills up our horizon.

In fact, there was this one time I bought a friend just to watch a full moon sets over the sea.

I don't remember if it was Andrea who told me that I am a romantic person- Before my only definition of romantic was reserved for ligawan and those stuffs. But she explained that it also describes persons who enjoy little, and often taken for granted things. For her, that was romantic - a person who breathes his ideas.

There were times during my college years when I would waste several hours of travel just to reach Kelly Heights in Antipolo just to have a good view of the city - alone. Minsan naman Instead of going home, I'd stroll in Luneta at sunset after a brief afternoon rain, and I was always alone too. And who would ever forget the time when I converted our side yard to a botanical garden filled with different plants, I stole somewhere, a zen garden that sustained rock-thriving plants and real butterflies that pays a visit (and mate) once in a while. Those were the days of my romanticism, today, no matter how hard I try to relive those things again, the essence has already vaporized before I could savor it.

These things are what I missed during my teenhood. When I read Conrado De Quiros' columm this morning, he mentioned the word cynical - how cynical Filipinos had become, and it reminded me of my state of transformation this moment. I traded romanticism with reality, and everything you see in the world is full of jadedness.

Perhaps, the reason why I am very vocal here in my enclave is because this is my last remaining space to express those things, I will never express in the long course of the day. Sometimes, when I check out my blog, I'd think if there are people who could still bear my heavy writings.

But most of the time, the blackness of my template and the forest on my header reminds me that my blog was created to stand alone. Its contents reserved for the delight of its author.

I've always been lonely and the clear unobstructed sky resonates my zest for loneliness.

Enter The Whammy Pulubi

I only usually give alms to old ladies who are begging on the streets. Aside from that, dedma ako palagi sa namamalimos.



But this evening was different - extremely different.



---



I was riding a jeep going to Pedro Gil when in Vito Cruz, a boyish early 20s duude rode the jeep I am in. As I found out after a few seconds later, he was one of those volunteers who ask for alms for different reasons (this time it's for the handicapped).



"Sila yung nagbibigay ng sobre sayo habang nagsasalita sila sa aisle ng sasakyan at nagsasabi ng kung ano ano."



At first, I wanted to pretend that I'm sleepy. But when he went up front and tell his mission, I suddenly realized that he's kinda charming for a namamalimos. In fact, someone might say that he's already goodlooking based on certain standards.



I dunno if I was charmed, or was simply amused as he talks, but when he played his flute, to accompany his message - and when started thinking of my mom who is also handicapped, I decided to give my 5 peso coin to the donation.



Wala lang, I know its not fulfillment on my part. I think that's one of the weird instances in your life where you do things because for some very shallow reasons.



whammy siya eh. yung lang.



I wish parekoy was around when it happened. These days, when I wanted to shift towards the PLU side... sometimes even to the extremes, Roy would always be around when I show it.



Aliw pa ako kasi nung pagkababa niya ng jeep, he gestured goodbye... I don't know if it was meant for anyone, but hey, I was the only one looking at him.



I might claim it as mine. hehehe.



---



I think they know my blog in the office.



Lately, I've observed that our department head doesn't question me when I want to leave already after around several hours of overtime.



Perphaps, she beginning to understand how stressful my job is, and how near I am in quitting my post.



Between love and hate of my work, the only thing that makes everything in balance is the general environment at the office. Once everything starts to fuck up.



Then there's no reason for me to stay anymore.

Brown Box

Bata pa lang ako, hari na ako ng kasentihan. In fact, mas matindi pa nga ako magsenti nung high-school ako hanggang bago matapos ang college eh. Bago pa nauso yung Blue Book at yung Black File ko, (Wag niyo na itanong kung ano yung Blue... pero nakita na ata ni Bench at ni Arrjae yung Black) meron akong wooden "brown" box kung saan nakatago lahat ng notes at letters na binigay sakin ng mga taong naging parte ng buhay ko.

Ang pagdating ni Limp dito sa blog ko ang nagpaalala sakin ng nakatago kong nakaraang yun. Matagal ko na ring hindi nabubuksan at nababasa ang mga letters na binigay sakin ng aking mga kaibigan ko, mapa-lalaki at pati na rin mga tsiks. Kung sana sa mundo ng mga PLU eh uso pa rin ang ganun, marahil marami pa rin akong natatagong mga notes ngayon.

Sa pagkakatanda ko, ang huling nagbigay sakin ng letter eh si Phanks - matagal na matagal nang panahon nung binigay niya yun, naalala ko pa nga korning korni pa ako dahil medjo asiwa ang magbigay ng ganun sa buddy mo. Pero minsan nakakamiss rin ang makatanggap ng letters at notes, kasi isang beses lang ata ginawa sakin yun ng isang PLU. Sana ngayong taon, maranasan ko ulit mabigyan ng letter o kaya card man lang. Hindi dahil nagsesenti ako o nagmamaganda, pero masarap rin kasi magtago ng mga bagay na alam mong galing sa taong,

maaring makahiwalay mo na ang landas matapos ang ilang linggo, buwan o taon... pero naging bahagi ng buhay mo.

Habang pinipilit ko pagkasyahin ang mga letters notes at cards sa loob ng kahon, napaka-heartwarming na isipin na sa loob ng mga panahong yun, maraming naka-appreciate ng pagpasok ko sa buhay nila. Nakakainggit pa rin pala ang mabuhay sa panahong iyun kahit asar na asar ako kapag natatandaan kong ganun ako noon. Pero nung mga panahon kasing yuon, lahat ay nadadala ng isang sulat - ligaw, pakikipagbati sa kaaway, pakikipagkaibigan, pasasalamat.

Sabagay, hindi pa uso ang text kaya madalas magsulat ang mga tao - pero ngayong digital na ang lahat - mula friendster hanggang sa blog... parang andali lang mabura ng mga bagay bagay na pwede isulat. Parang lahat ng expressions ng tao ay ginagawang artipisyal ng teknolohiya.

Nawa'y habangbuhay na mamalagi sakin ang brownbox ko. Manakaw na ang blue book ko at pasukan ng virus yung black file. Anuman ang mangyari, kailangang ma-ipreserve ko ang mga laman ng kahon kong yun.

Senti man sabihin pero yun lang ang magsisilbing palatandaan ko sa kanila.

---

Limp, hindi ko alam kung natatandaan mo pa ito. Pero nung nakita ko ulit ito na nakatabi kasama nung sulat na binalik mo sakin, hindi ko naiwasang mapangiti at maalala ko yung mga kalokohan natin. Sensya na at binuhay ko pa muli... pero nais kong malaman mo na dito nagsimula ang lahat.

Pasensya na sa mga mambabasa... bago ako naging si Darkstar, ganito pa ako noong... 3rd year high school.

---

Dear Limp

Alam ko na hindi mo inaasahan na susulatan ka ng mga ganitong letters. Sinulatan kita kasi I admire you very much. In short, may lihim na pagtingin ako sayo. Crush kita kasi matalino ka, mabait, tahimik at higit sa lahat responsable. Isa pa, nalalapit ang ugali mo sa dating "crush ko."
Alam ko na ang tagumpay ay kailangang pinaghihirapan. Isa pa experience lang to. Hindi lahat ng bagay ay permanente.

Sana huwag kang magagalit sa akin dahil sinulatan kita ng Love Letter na cute (cute daw) kasi paglalahad lang ito ng nararamdaman ko sa iyo. Ipagpapatuloy pa rin natin ang ating pagkakaibigan, huwag mo rin sanang kalilimutan ang magdasal at pag-aaral. Hayaan mo, hindi ako umaasa pero I care about you. Isa pa pagpasensyahan mo na tong letter kong walang kabuhay-buhay kasi hindi talaga ako magaling sa pagsulat ng letter.

Yours truly


10-15-19
MEKLON

---

Sana napatawad mo na ako... hindi ko ata ma-take na ganun ako manligaw noon. tama nga na binasted mo ako. ehehehe.

---

But seriously I did admire you during those times.

Welcome to phankspace.

Miracle

I arrived at the office exactly five minutes after 6. Until now, I can't explain how did the jeep made it from Padre Faura till Vito Cruz in just 7 minutes. However, since I had a hang-over from what had happened yesterday.



Badtrip pa rin ako nung pumasok sa work.



But things seems to be on my side the whole day. I broke my record for the most number of new entries in one day. The two supervisors I'd like to avoid didn't report till late in the afternoon. And despite my lack of sleep last night, I found a way to doze off during our 30 minute break this morning that's why I still have a spare energy to write this entry today.



This afternoon, Roselle my college classmate who's already a business woman texted me. She's asking for potential client's who may be interested to print their publications with her. Since Arrjae's working for an events company, I decided to forward is number to her. Told her afterwards that if ever she gets in, Roselle should instead give the credits to Arrjae, instead to me.



Of course, I'd like to have more moolahs right now, but I'm pretty much engrossed into building my own network of entrepreneurs. Saka na lang, who knows connections might finally set me free from this company.



---



I was planning to sneak out of the office after our group manager arrived shortly before I completed my data input for the last entry I have for today. Malas nga lang, paalis na ako ng room ng bigla siya bumalik sa loob. As in nagkasalubungan pa kami sa may door.



I was hesistant to taint my image so I returned to my work station. Buti na lang, super bait ng immediate supervisor ko. She asked me if I would like to accompany her on her way out of the office.



I was preparing/bracing for my alibi when I told the group manager that I would leave already. It seems like she's in a good mood today so she let me go. Tired and stressed out, I'm here in a computer shop waiting for phanks. It seems like I had a good day today, despite suffering from a minor headache and chest pain. Actually, the first thing I'd do when I get home is sleep.



I'm dead tired from two days of working almost non-stop. At least, my respite allowed me to have some breather for tomorrow.

Crossing Into the Jetstream

I just need to vent this out:



"hindi ako nakahinga dun ah. Parang masyadong mabigat yung pagkasabi niya sakin

na muntikan na akong mag-react dun sa pagexplain niya sa sistema sa opisina. Tangina

tama na na kelangan kong gumising ng alas singko ng umaga araw araw mula lunes hanggang sabado para makaabot sa pasok namin ng six. Tama na na mahilo at ma-upset ako kakahanap ng mga bagong organizations na isasama sa database ng ako lang mag-isa.

Tama na na magtiis ako ng gutom kada 30-minutes naming break para hindi masira yung momentum ko sa kakatrabaho/makatipid/maka-idlip sa 12 oras naming pasok.



Pero puta, ang tanungin kung bakit masyado pang maaga ang uwi ko ng 6pm sa gayong 6am ang pasok namin... iba ng usapan yun. Dagdagan pa niya na kelangan daw tumulong ako sa pag-uupdate pag kinakailangan habang nagtitiis akong mag-overtime mag-isa at sila eh naguuwian na eh talagang sobra na talaga. Di ko ineexpect na me trabahong katulad ng ganito ah. Kung yung iba nga eh nagrereklamo pa sa walong oras nilang trabaho mula lunes hanggang biyernes, at naiinis pa sa 14 thou nilang sweldo. Bah, tingnan ko lang pag nalaman nila ang trabahong ginagawa ko at mapapahumble sila sa mga kani-kanilang trabaho.



Siguro stressed out lang ako kaya ako nagkakaganito... pero extreme ata yun samin, base sa standards ng marami sa katulad ko. Sa totoo, kaya ko pa masikmura ang mas maliit na sahod provided na mas marami akong time para sa sarili-hindi katulad nito. Ewan ko ba, siguro kaya mas maraming babae ang pinipili nila eh dahil mas hindi reklamador ang mga kagaya nila.



Minsan naiisip ko tuloy kung ano ba ang sense ng ganitong trabaho. Sabi nila seasonal lang daw ito, pero sa tingin ko, hindi ako aabot ng 8 months kung ganito na lang ng ganito. Minsan nga iniisip ko sana mapirata na lang ako ng ibang kumpanya para kahit paano, mas mapapadali ang paglipat ko ng career.



Konti pa, tangina, talagang bibigay na ako sa kanila. . . konting konti pa, magreready na ako ng resume para sa December.



---



Marami ang hindi nakakaappreciate ng trabaho nila. Siguro sa part ko, hindi ko rin lang maappreciate na kumikita ako ng pera... pero... hangga't wala akong nalalaman na trabaho na ganun ka - toxic ang sistema. Hanggang sa makukumpara ko kung gaano kagaan ang mga naging trabaho ko nun - kahit na sa Ad Agency na pinasukan ko.



Lagi kong itatapak ang kanang paa ko sa labas. Dehins ata tama ang ganito."



---



A good and healthy career life is 8 hours work, 8 hours sleep and 8 hours of rampa. - Stolich

The Medical City Experience

Half jokingly, I told my companion last night that those odders who were confined at Medical City were divas. Asus, atrium pa lang, hotel na hotel na. Wait till you see the lobby and the hallways. If I'm gonna be confined again (wag naman sana), I would definitely choose to be confined at that hospital, para diva na rin ako. teehee.



---



But on a serious note, I visited Nathan this afternoon. He's been transferred to a private room when I arrived. Grabe, the room was more of a suite rather than the typical-oh-so-kadiri rooms that are often featured in TV. It's a small one, but its cool. Sonny, his buddy has always been on his side the whole time of his ordeal. Together with Nate's sister, he's the odd man out. Sabi nga niya, siguradong nagtataka na yung mga kapatid niya kung bakit nandun siya sa tabi ni Nate the whole time.



Don't worry dude, I did the same thing for Yul before. I was there together with his brothers.



---



Their ordeal blossomed a kilig story which has become a word of mouth afterwards. It was said that Nathan can't remember everything that happened the whole time he was in seizure, and in between, except for one thing - he did remember was that Sonny was feeding him at Triple V at the beginning of the seizure attack.



Kalimutan daw ba ang lahat pwera lang ang asawa. That was something, is what you treasure in relationships...



---



So back at Medical City, Nate's buddies from Manhood group dropped by. He's surely loved by everyone based on the turnout of the people who visited. I'm sure, he'll never forget this thing that happened to him, nor are we. For those who were there last night, it was a very tense moment - Sonny said that while in the car on the way to the emergency room, Nathan for seconds didn't register a pulse. His uncontrollable constrictions and blabbers like a possessed person at the emergency room would really put fear in one's heart. The fact that his buddy never left his side, and cried so hard while he was in the ICU was a heartwarming, but sorry sight to behold.



For once, I've seen a different side to the cheerful and always friendly side of Nathan based on the stories that I pieced together from the witnesses. This time, I saw reality that even the most youthful and gym-fit among us can also fall from such illness.



---



I went home after an hour since I have to buy a new antivirus software at GreenhillsBesides, di pa rin ako nakakapagpahinga. Everything's so upsetting lately that I just have to think more of good thoughts.



Too much exposure from listening at Love Radio had taken its toll. I have this last song syndrome before which goes something like this...



"nakakabaliw ka, nakakaaliw, nakakilig, nakakilig, nakakagutom ang isang katulad mo."



After researching it several minutes in Google. I found out that it was sung by the Masculados.



And I downloaded it this afternoon.



Jologs ko talaga.

Crestfallen

The news came like a rock being hurled at my face while I was deeply engrossed with my research work.



Parekoy was the bearer of the news. Nathan had a seizure and is in the ICU at that moment.

Then everything stopped as if the space around me was swiftly frozen.



---



I called Sonny to verify the news. It was confimred. Nate was in the ICU of Medical City. The very place where the three of us rushed before when Paldeng was in the same ICU.



At that moment, I wanted to leave my work station to check out Nate's condition and to comfort Sonny, who sounds distressed on the phone . I was gearing up for a free-fall saturday night, and this is what I would hear on a saturday morning.



---



After 14 hours of work, I texted Roy if we could go together to visit Nathan. Although visiting hours is only from 5-7 pm, I took my chance since I managed to get in last time. However, the interns were more strict this time. Roy and I was stopped at the very doors of the ICU lobby room. We tried to get in, however when the attendant said that the patient is already sleeping, we decided drop our claims and call it a night.



We head towards Megamall to meet up with James afterwards.



---



From him, I knew what really happened, and the truth somehow made me upset.

It happened the night before, the night when I made that speech in the family dialouge. They were in Megamall to eat their dinner when Nate suddenly collapsed. He claims that days before, he was already suffering from a severe headache and had a hard time sleeping.



Then, Friday night, its if everything went out of hand. His nerves, which was holding together days before snapped. He was brought to the ER accompanied by the ODDER boys who was with him.



---



News spread like fires burning a thin sheet of paper. In fact, those who rarely appear on the Contingents got the news the night the emergency happened.



Well...



---



I know its not proper to show these reactions right now... but the thought that I just only got it

the day after from someone who just gets the news from me somehow shows...

how distant I became to these people in just one month.



Well, I can't blame myself nor anyone for that. If I still had the spare time, I would spend it most with the people who maintains my existence, however work demands that I should become a corporate slave and that, I should submit my freedom for the benefit of the company...



Probably if I knew it on the night it happened, I might not make it to the hospital... since I have to be in the office at 7 am. But at least, I would have a choice. Besides, after hearing how distraught Sonny was that night... I think, another comforter would not be bad... In fact, I might have completely changed priorities and stayed in for the whole night.



The last time an emergency happened, we shoved our way to the ICU just to personally see and assure myself that Paldeng was fine. I know very well how lonely and confusing it is to be in the hospital, alone and tense - - They say that it was the very reason why the news didn't reach me - they were tensed and confused. But if it did reach me, probably I might be of some help... the mere fact that my aunt has a clinic in that very hospital where Nate is may have provided them with more access to facilities...



Knowing myself, I would have done something than rather sleep an entire night without knowing a brother was suffering somewhere.



---



But still, I know that its not proper to show such feelings right now... It shows immaturity and... well... uhm...



In fact, I shouldn't have posted this on my blog...



but



I'm just human not to react... not to feel kinda... not to be bothered with these kinds of emotions









now I know how benchboy felt when he posted that note in the yahoogroups some weeks ago... As everything sinks in as I compose this focused thoughts reflecting my emotions



Somehow, I just felt the same way.

That Was Some Speech

"At lagi mong tandaan, araw araw humahanap ka ng paraan para ipaglaban ang karapatan ng iba. Pinaglalaban mo ang kalayaan ng mga taong hindi mo naman kadugo, pero mismong sa pamilya mo, mismong ako sinusuko ko ang kalayaan ko, hinahayaan kong apak-apak ng kung sino man ang karapatan ko bilang isang mangagawa para lamang masigurado na hindi ka mamumrublema kapag nangailangan kayo ng pera...."









Always remember that, my little sister. I could claim my own freedom anytime, but I am submitting myself, just to ensure that you will never ever feel oppressed in your own homeworld.

Gloryhole

I'm still working... here... for already 12 hours.



A few weeks ago, I would have cried foul and exploitation.



But slowly as it may seems



I have somehow found a comfort zone by working as the sole researcher of the group.



For more than 14 hours everyday, the internet and the pc is my companion. I can go to countries and places even Phanks is not aware of. I am exposed to different non-profit organizations from Engineering Societies to Nurses Association somewhere in Estonia -



I think this is the closest thing I can substitute for a world tour.



---



I am tired, definitely. Stressed out, perhaps. But since they found a way to contain my rebellion;

My complaints and whinings were replaced by aspiring to reach self-imposed targets and work myself off until I am completely satisfied with my projections for the week.



When they asked me to do this new assignment, I was days away from passing my resignation letter. In fact, my relationship with the company right now remains a love-hate one. But since my work gave me access to internet, I realized that I will be closer to everyone than I ever thought possible here in the company.



So I will barely hold for now even if my job is completely suicidal. For some unexplainable reasons, I feel like time seems to pass so quickly. Perhaps as long as I have this light-speed access to the world and the avenue to apply the skills I learned from my course, I think I will

give adjustment a chance.



They say that once you've blended in, it would be harder for you to get out...

Aiming to Forever be Free

Got this from one of the website associations that I am researching today:



THE SEVEN STEPS TO FREEDOM



1. Facing the truth about ourselves and the world around us, we decided we needed to change.



2. Realizing that there is a power from which we can gain strength, we decided to use that power.



3. Evaluating ourselves by taking an honest self-appraisal, we examined both our strengths and our weaknesses.



4. Endeavouring to help ourselves overcome our weaknesses, we enlisted the aid of that power to help us concentrate on our strengths.



5. Deciding that our freedom is worth more than our resentments, we are using that power to help free us from those resentments.



6. Observing that daily progress is necessary, we set an attainable goal towards which we can work each day.



7. Maintaining our own FREEDOM, we pledge ourselves to help others as we have been helped.

Dear Diary (I'm writing this while eating a hotdog)

Out of 5 applicants who were hired by our company, only 2 came to report for their first day of work today.



And the bad trip didn't end there. Those two who came are both ladies! Yeah, girls. Ang daya! If you'd ask me. Our group is already flooded with women, and here we are accommodating more women in the group.



If you'd ask me, too many women bores me. Not because of my preference or whatever - but because I would have a hard time adjusting to their quirks and habits when being with them.



I think I'll gonna write my resignation letter tonight for that.



Chos!



---



Actually, there's nothing wrong with having more women in the group. Yun nga lang, mas mababawasan ang mga makukulit... or should I say, deviant in the crowd. The girls in our batch are like sheeps. They don't complain even in the most unfair of circumstances. They'd just work and work, and follow and follow the flock. Ako nga lang ata and Andre are the bad yagballs in the basket.



I'm the one who always complain and conspire rebellions... and also the first one to call in sick and leave the building, while he's the master of being late - and late sleeper. Kaya nga ba bestprend ko yung mamang yun eh.



---



And yeah, my insanity fucked me up again... I did the "boy thing" again in the men's CR this afternoon. In calms me kase eh.



---



Roy and I watched a movie yesterday.



The Incredibles was a heartwarming film. It reminds me of how families are very important, and that the strength of every member of the family depends on how strong and stable his family is. The film reminds me of my own family - of how... well...



I think Pixar's doing a good job in restoring the family values to everyone - adults and kids alike. Who would ever forget Finding Nemo for crying out loud? And yeah, the pre-movie strip (the sheep who danced in the fields, and the bunny who has a deer's horns was absolutely cool).

And the moral story was also penetrating. I just hope that there would be a bunny who'd

remind me to rise up whenever things are fallng.



I just hope that I could simply face changes as easy as turning a page in a book.



---



Inside the movie house, Roy and I feasted our eyes on a buff daddy (literally with kids but no wife) behind our seats. Grabe si Roy magmaganda! Buti na lang, nawala yung pagkabaliw ko sa kanya noon.



Who would've thought that in the long run, we'll be placed at the extremely opposite sides of

the spectrum? I think it's better that we've ended up as friends.



At least we could still enjoy things, that we used to enjoy - when I was still madly in love with parekoy.



---



However, I think I'm beginning to have hots too for buff daddies - y'know, the bear types that makes Omeng crazy before. Kanina meron akong nakasakay sa jeep. The guy was definitely on his 30s and I can't take my eyes away on his big bulky biceps and arms. Wish ko lang meron rin akong ganun.



We're both smirking at the big fat boy who looks like vandolph during his elementary years as he do kiddie things and tricked the cigarette boy into believing that he's buying a candy. Aliw ako sa batang yun.



Pero mas aliw ako habang nakangiti rin siya kasabay ko. Teehee.



---



Well that's all for now. Phanks is downstairs searching for answers to his neverending inquiries about his (self-created illnesses). I admit, sometimes hanging out with Roy makes me forget that I'm already a domesticated... boy.



I think for the longest time, as long as I stick on to my principles and ideals about relationship. I'd just contend myself of listening to parekoy and benchboy's never-ending adventures.



I live a monotonous existence. But somehow, except for work... which I constantly suffer a slow burnout often.



I'm still relatively ok.

Evening Falls

You know how it feels like

to enjoy a night of freedom;

bond with your closest friends;

sleep with you bud in one bed

and spending an entire day with him

in your room?



You know how it feels like

to see the evening sky drape

you view in the window;

the chilly breeze coming from the east

parting away your curtains;

typing in front of a blinding monitor

in a dark lonely room

realizing, that your freedom

and brief abnormal existence

ends tonight...



and tomorrow is another

start of a slave-working week

you wanna end very soon?



It's like...

emptiness seeping in

like an ending song

from a movie that was

heavy on emotions.



The lights from other

homes lighting up

and christmas lights

twinkling from windows

reminding you that



well...



that's how things

simply come and go.

Hours from now, the lights will

fade and the sun will shine again.

The christmas things would

be kept once again after the holiday

season ends in a few months.



---



I'd like to have a life

full of new beginnings

and swift in turning

its pages.



I'd like to secure again

my freedom next week.

Happy Joms Day - Epilogue

Para sa isang gabing pinagsaluhan nating dalawa.

sa ilalim ng isang kumot...

habang malamig ang gabi.



---



Howie Day

Collide



The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

Yeah



I'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face

Light up again



Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide



I'm quiet you know

You make a frist impression

I've found I'm scared to know

I'm always on your mind



Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the stars refuse to shine

Out of the back you fall in time

I somehow find

You and I collide



Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to ryhme

Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find

You and I collide



You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide



--

Happy Joms Day

The things that makes big daddy joms very happy these days:



Sunsets after an afternoon rain

Carefree strolls in a conyo mall

Going home early from work

Giving mom my weekly contribution for the house

Unwinding myself by listening to my mp3s

Blissful night travel

Contemplating while travelling

Accompanying phanks to Monumento

Declaring a certain day your restday

Buying pirated porns and realizing that all of them works on your pc



Watching TV till I fall asleep.



Today is Happy Joms Day!

I will not work today.

Silence

The news of Arafat's death suddenly left me in empty. I just know the guy from CNN and history books, but for some unexplained reasons, I felt the lost of the people who looks up to him. It's like loosing a protector and identity at the same time.



Still, my interest in global affairs never waned. I think, I am still the history/social science geek

I used to be.



---



Pauwi ng bahay, laman ng utak ko ang plano kong ilagay dito sa blog ko.



Naisip ko rin, siguro masyado nang heavy ang mga posts ko nitong mga nakaraang linggo. Marahil kelangan ko naman ibahin ang ihip ng hangin sa paligid ko para hindi na lang lagi akong

nakalugmok sa walang katapusang hinaharap ko.



---



Hanggang ngayon, plotter pa rin ako.



Dalawang araw na akong pumapasok na ang unang ginagawa pagkaupo ng table eh magconspire tungkol sa mga sentimyento ng mga kasama ko. Kung pwede na nga lang magtayo ng union sa loob ng opisina, marahil nagawa ko na ito.



Pero shempre, ayokong masira ang image ko sa mga tao dun. Sapat na ang malaman ko na hindi ako nag-iisa pagdating sa mga nararamdaman ko.



---



Subscriber ba kayo sa Manileno YG? Try it mga pare. Astig.



---



Naalala ko noon, binibiro ko na mag Biology si Dennis dahil bilog ang buwan.



Ewan ko, pero pakiramdam ko mas malibog ang mga tao tuwing malapit na ang kabilugan ng buwan.



Alam ko sa 15 full moon.



Alam ko yun dahil sa tindi ng kalibugan ko kanina....



...



yun. basta, nakakahiya naman dun sa mga classmate ko na nagbabasa na rin dito.



Pervert pa rin ako, gaya nung college.



hindi pa rin ako kumukupas.



---



6 am ang pasok namin bukas. Alam kong 8 pm ang labas namin. Sana pagdating ng december

hindi na ganito ang schedule namin. Weird pero nagrereklamo man ako eh nakakaadapt rin ako kahit paano.



Pero hindi ata ang katawan ko.



Isang linggo na tong ubo ko. Baka mamaya, isang ubo ko pa



lumabas pati baga ko.



---



I miss smoking...

On The Other Hand

To compensate for my disgusting forced-overtime schedule, phanks would usually go to my office before he boards the LRT going to Monumento.

We'd squeeze all of our time together in a 30-minute break, sometimes by dining or most of the time, having a very brief conversation about the things that happened to us during the day.

We might have lost a lot of quality time, but our communication never faltered. Tiyak na malaki ang bill ko next month. It seems like he missed me more now that my time is already limited.

And it shows, whenever we are together. Who cares if they see us being intimate in an LRT station. It's raw emotions pare and one can never control it.

Pruning the Rebellion

Ladies and Gentlemen:

If you haven't notice, your underlings are already complaining about your poor treatment to them. Some of your newer minions have already started contemplating how your heartless exploitation have already pushed them to the edge. They claim that they have never seen such
treatment before in the empires they have worked for.

For the last two weeks. They never tasted any restday. During workdays even, you've forced them to work for almost 10 hours every day.

Have you realized that you have already took their life from them? Have you ever thought that you're facing conflicts in two fronts?

Of course, your subordinates know that we have a deadline to catch. But in their hearts and in their minds, they are extremely understaffed. Working conditions have already become too unbearable. Try to stay for one hour inside the office and you'll hear the chorus of coughs coming from your people.

They are tired and exhausted ladies and gentlemen. Even your leaders and managers are already at the very edge of their sanity. You have to act quickly or you might one day be confronted by rebellion and retreat from two fronts. And you cannot blame them. It was you
who planned all these things.

Please be advised people that with such working conditions, if ever some of them decided to leave, it would be very very hard for you to find a replacement.

You have been forwarned. Discontent is already brewing during breaks and dismissals. Act now, or you may find yourself in a much difficult possition later.

Heart Door

If there is one person in the world that closely resembles my mom in terms of personality and attitutde, the only woman I can think of is my ex-classmate Biela.

You see, until now, I can't still remember how we first met or how we became close - very close even if I don't hang around with her company. In fact, we're worlds apart inside the class. Perhaps the only thing that bonds us together is that invicible connection that made us understood each other even if we don't often talk much.

There were a lot of times when our closeness did stirred the minds of our other classmates. I could never blame them of their speculation since I was open to everyone with my admiration to this lady. Never did anyone know that whenever my tropa would talk about the most attractive/girlfriend material among my classmates... Biela, and yes, even Andrea would be in my top 5.

So what's this entry all about then? One may wonder especially now that I have shifted my preference to the other side.

A few years back, the thing that really trembles me is when people from my batch found out my "new activities" months after I broke up with my ex-gf. Don't get me wrong guys, I was non-PLU during those days and I never imagined how far will I penetrate this lifestyle.

However, things have changed swiftly. Never did I thought that with the help and inspiration from my tropa, the ODDERS, will I find the courage to dismantle the borders that separates me from my recent past.

These past few months after I took over most of the responsibilities our dad was supposed to carry, I've learned somehow to finally open those locked borders and allow myself - my PLU self to be known by those who I am really close with. Lately, we've been exchanging messages with Biela, talking about life and our failed/lost aspirations as we grow older. Definitely we've seen each other confront our own dilemma, and how we coped up with changes before.

Now, things are different.

Along those lines of exchanges, I've realized that why should I keep a majority of me hidden from her. Would she not understand, or even accept the changes? Would my own small victories against life not enough to support my choice to become...

a non-straight?

At that moment, the only thought is that we're on the same plane of existence, fighting our own battles, missing the days when we'll just sit in one corner and talk about how life was for us and breathe a sigh of renewal after we have consoled each other. For all I know, she's one of the best advisers one can ever find in one lifetime. I can still never forget those times when I'd ask her opinions about the things that's been going in my life.

Now that I've learned to stand on my own - far from everyone from the past to see, perhaps it's time for her to read my personal battlecries on a perspective I rarely allow anyone to see.

In the spirit of our friendship over the years, even if we've never seen each other again after graduation... I think letting her into this world would be my strongest testament

that the invicible line that connects us together is still intact.



Welcome to Phankspace,

Biela.

Happy Thoughts

I would trade a few glimpses of sunset without thinking nothing for a week's meal in a posh restaurant or a movie in Greenbelt 4.

These days, when all you can think about is heavy work, family and your doomed social life. Seeing your face lit by a setting sun, while alterative music plays on your PC is already a perfect moment of bliss.

How I wished this moment would last a longer time.



I want to buy flowers in Dangwa to give to my mom and sister
or check out some cool ornamental plants in Q-Ave.
or have a brief joyride in Roxas Boulevard from Cavite to Navotas...

But like all sunsets, it too will cease to give way for the night.

Time

I woke up at around 1 pm this afternoon.

We worked for 20 hours and in that span of time, my body didn't bear the beating. I passed out one hour before our overtime ends.

If you'd ask me, what we have to endure was quite gross and inhuman. Unless it's a school project, one might see an end to it. However for all I know, the fact that it can happen over and over again until this year's project ends make me wanna resign already.

And sad to say, it's a forced overtime. I can't complain since everyone will not be spared no matter how we're secretly against about the work. Though the overnight-overtime would earn us a remarkable extra income, I think it's not really worth it. If you're in my case, would you choose earning an extra income over having some little time to enjoy your earnings?

I'd rather not earn that money, if it would cost me my time.

---

I talked to Arrjae this afternoon to catch up on the thing that happened last night.

Well it seems that everyone is gearing up for the Christmas Party. How I wished I was there too to share my inputs about the upcoming event.

Pero too bad, my work won't give me a break.

Our conversation was flowing smoothly around the things that's been discussed at last nights contingent when it suddenly shifted to talking about our careers

and social life.

Soon I found out from our conversation that this week wasn't good for him too.

---

Anyway we've talked about how time works for us these days.

Before, when we're still officemates at the ad agency, we used to enjoy a lot of FREE time. In fact, other people at the office were already complaining that we seemed to enjoy a lot of FREE time for ourselves.

Which sometimes make me realize how better was my life in their hands.

But now...

---

Back to the conversation, Arrjae realizes that he's so boring and that he don't know what he wants in his life. He feels that he don't have any hobbies or recreation he really enjoys.

Then I suddenly saw how my life was going. I told him that he's still well off with the time he enjoys.

I told him one of the examples of how time was robbed from me...

---

Last night, since Phanks and I haven't seen each other for two days, he decided to drop by in the office before he goes home.

We're still in the QA process when phanks arrived downstairs.

Just to avoid to keep him waiting that long, I asked our "team leader" if I could take my break earlier than the rest.

Since the supervisors were already out dining, she allowed my to go.

And for 30 minutes, we squeezed a-two hours worth of time we often enjoy for ourselves by eating out in Jollibee.

He knows that I am on the rush since "takas lang ako."

He sensed that I was pushing myself to the limits just to buy time for ourselves.

He feels that I am already tired by the time we met... and that his presence lifted my sagging spirit...

And actually I felt freedom when I was with him the whole time.

Pathetic no, but that's how I made my day complete last night.

---

So back to Arj's dilemma, I told him

that these days, I lived like a robot. Imagine, you'd work your ass for around 10 hours every day monday to saturday, doing only a repetitive work, then if you're swamped by more work by friday, you'd compensate your sundays by having an overnight work on a saturday night.

In a PLUs perspective they would consider that as Sooooo Un-fa-bu-lous.

I told Arjae that he should appreciate more the things he have, rather than sulk to the fact that he's constantly experiencing a sorta "life makeover" every few years. I advised him to accept the fact that it's his nature to pull himself into the chaos only to get out for a few moments of order.

Besides, on the outside, he seemed much pretty well in control. Told him, that he might be just exaggerating things since there are more people whose life are much much worse than him - and some of them never realizing it.

---

Whenever we take a 30 minute break in the afternoon, we can see the tall buildings in Ayala from where we make tuhog our snacks. Everytime I think about my situation and I see those buildings,

I can't help but wonder if working here is the closest thing I can get there?

and if there's a better and more comfortable life waiting outside our sleepy and haunted building if ever I'd ceased my operation with my company

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that my work allowed us to survive independently from my dad. That it was my lifeline in case of an emergency.

And that I already found my order, discipline and even some sort of life in that company.

But whenever I think about how overworked we've become... and will be in the next few months,

In my head I can already compose the first few sentences of my resignation letter.

I will not resign because of the people around me...

it will be because of time.

Beating The Big Bird

Saturday, the day I really hated most because we have work. Tonight, I will not go home. I will have to work overnight so that we could at least finish our work before our deadline. It's better this way rather than go to work tomorrow. Much as I would like to pass this time, I had to confirm since hopefully,

this would be the last of it.

This overnight-work would prevent me from hanging out with the ODDERs or with my PGC friends who's forcing me two nights ago to make an appearance in our reunion tonight. By all accounts I would rather choose hanging out with the ODDERs anyway since I'd enjoy how we terrorize another bar with our presence.

Anyway, since I'm working overtime... and overnight, I'd be spending my precious saturday night here. God if only I could bring some beer inside and create a party scene here in the office - BED style, then I'd probably forget that this "forced work" would become more bearable.

Speaking of BED, I haven't been exposed to the mainstream fab scene since Omeng left for the US. In fact, I already lost my interest listening to house music nowadays. Kaya nga ako bitter sa post ko last night because of that. Hopefully, when the new researchers are hired, then we'll have more time for ourselves then. Right now I'm glad that I have somehow adjusted to this kind of work.

---

O sha, my officemates are already here. Better close this blog now. See you when I see you guys. Pasensya na't napasubo na ako dito.

Burn Out

I wish he just leave us alone... forever.

why do I see him as the harbinger of problems, the ultimate source of our upsets and depressions, the perfect monument to a broken family that is trying to heal itself?

I want my dad out of our lives. He should live with his mistress and their kids. We don't care anymore. In fact, we're already striving to live on our own and his business with us has ceased to exist already.

My business with him has already been closed a long time ago. At the very least, all I can offer him is my civility.

---
I arrive this evening finding a demand letter for my dad.

The maid said that he sent that letter for my mom to see and resolve. After all, he claims that mom was the reason why he hired the finance manager I've been mentioning before. (BTW, she left the company several weeks ago never saying goodbye.)

Actually, it was quite a small amount thought. In fact, I could pay it in one years time provided that I still earn my double-salary. But why do we have to bear his problems? The fact the he abandoned us should be a good reason for us to leave him to his business.

Tama na na inako ko lahat ng iniwan niyang responsibilidad samin. Layuan na lang niya kami.

---
Working my ass more than ten hours a day is enough payment for his irresponsibilities. I should have be enjoying a night out with the ODDERs tomorrow night, I should be spending a moment's time with my bud tomorrow evening... but just to earn additional 500 bucks, just to assure myself that I will have extra money in my bank account

I will have to work overnight. Forget my body and my weary spirit.

What matters is that my mom would not worry another month trying to budget our expenses.

My salary would suffice to make both ends meet.

I just wish that soon, I can make that with one salary alone.

---

Akala ko nagheal na ang mga sugat na iniwan niya mula nung inabandona niya kami...
Pero habang nakikita ko na ginugulo pa rin niya ang nanay ko, parang bumubuka muli ang mga peklat na naghihilom pa lang.

Kung hindi lang siya nagloko, dapat sana ang buhay ko ngayon eh parang buhay ni Phillip (phb.blogspot). Dapat sana, ang mga problemang dala dala ko eh tipong problemang hinaharap lang ni James.

Pero masakit isipin na parang ang bilis ninakaw sakin ang kabataan ko. Imagine, less than 8 months lang, kelangan kong lunukin lahat ng mga possibilities na pwedeng mangyari samin.

Tingin ko nga eh parang mas magaan pa yung problemang dala dala nung isa kong officemate na sampung taon halos ang tanda sa akin.

Siya, simpleng soloflight lang ang buhay niya, sakin isang bahay ang dala-dala ko.

---
Kaya ako, hindi na ako ganun katakot na malaman nilang PLU ako.

Marami na akong na-prove na mga bagay na mismong mga straight eh hindi nila kayang gawin.

Tangina, hindi nga ako nakabuntis, pero padre de pamilya naman ako. Wala nga akong girlfriend pero boyfriend pa rin ako sa buddy ko.

Minsan gusto kong tanungin ang buhay, kelan ba ako makakaranas ng security. Magagawa ko pa kayang mag-isip katulad ng dati, na sarili ko lang ang dapat kong problemahin. Masakit nito, alam kong kahit na magkaroon ako ng opportunity katulad ng dati, iba na ang lahat. Hindi na babalik ang dati.

Pasensya na kung dito ako sa blog naglalabas ng sama ng loob. Di na ako ganun ka-senti katulad dati sa harap ng mga tao. Mas makulit na ako madalas kapag may problema. Dinadaan ko na lang sa yosi at pang-aasar kapag asar ako sa buhay.

Marami ang hindi nakakaalam pero kapag ako na lang mag-isa, saka ko lang naiisip.

Ang hirap pala maging masaya.

Breather One

I ate lunch and merienda today, that's why I still have some spare energy to brighten my mood tonight.

Wala lang... seeing those new applicants taking up their examination this morning changed the atmosphere at the office. I'm sure, kapag may nakuha na sa kanila, we wouldn't have to do overtimes anymore. In fact, I will have a chance to meet new kids I can boss around. hehehe.

Sana lang, mas maraming boys silang kunin para mas masaya.

---

Speaking of which, di ko pa rin maalis sa utak ko yung tinext sakin ni Roy kahapon. Taena, nagwawala na naman ang binatilyo at ako lang ang nakakasagap ng balita (siguro pati si Nate rin). Akalain mo ba naman, naka-hook up sa kwan tapos nag-quickie sila sa loob ng kwan. Kahit nung kapanahunan ko, di yata kaya ng powers ko yun.

Naalala ko tuloy, talagang kinarir ko na ma-out sex siya noon dahil medyo inggit ako sa kahabaan ng buhok niya. Grabe, bilib talaga ako sa mokong na yun kahit na medyo pa-conserbatibo pa ang galaw niya kapag magkakasama na kami.

Haay, yun nga lang di ko na panahon ngayon. Di bale, darating rin ang time mababakuran rin si parekoy. Yun naman talaga ang nagagawa ng pagiging single eh.

Naisip ko tuloy, na-outsex na kaya niya ako o hindi pa?

---

Nakakabadtrip talaga.

Si Bush na naman ang presidente ng Amerika. Totoo nga yung sabi ng mga kakilala ko sa call center. Marami rin sa mga kano ang boplaks. Sabagay, sabi sa CNN ang nagpanalo daw sa kanya eh yung mga "christian voters" na para sa kanila eh malaking issue yung morality.

Nakakatakot tuloy isipin na baka mas lalo pang dumami ang mga saradong-utak ngayon sa mundo. Dami na ngang extremist ng mga muslim, madagdagan pa ng mga born again Christians na lahat na lang ng bagay na against sa old testament na bibliya eh against sa kanila.

Sheesh, pano na lang kaming mga...

---

Pagkatapos ng napakaraming calculations at assumptions, mukhang walang matitira sa sweldo ko. Pano ba naman, lahat ata ng bills sa bahay eh ako na ang nagbayad.

At least masaya naman si mama.

Pero kawawa naman ang bangko ko. di ako makakaipon nito.

Sana pagdating ng katapusan medyo konti na lang ang babayaran ko. Tsk. tsk. Buti na lang talaga hindi pa ako married. Patay na sigurado kapag may pamilya pa ako.

---

Speaking of raising a family, I think I need to re-fleet my blue porn collection. Sasawa na ako sa mga vcds ko.

Man To Man Talk

I would like to talk about a lot of things these past few days - from finding big brothers from my college barkadas, to my gradual adoption to the pains and time adjustments of my newfound work.

However, I am suffering from a writer's block lately and composing such paragraphs has become more difficult to me.

If my muse is with me right now, I would have shared my feelings on how happy I was having a bonding talk with our team leader on our way home two nights ago, or how I had my payback to HSBC call center this afternoon. The moment I told them in their face that I was already hired feels like I have avenged myself from four months of being subservient to their recruiters.

There were a lot of things I wanted to share, but I don't know where to start or how I would say it. Perhaps, I am little less inspired these days or I am merely tired to look for words. But my contemplation never ceases. It still gives me those little times during the day when I would just pause a little, and reflect on the things that happened to me.

It has been my guide, whenever huge changes are ongoing so that I would never be lost.

Probably next time, when I find the words I am seeking; when I discover once again how I would like to express myself like James do these days, I will write again long entries again. When I relearn how to put my emotions in this blog, the way I used to do... I'd let my stories paint a picture of my life I am living right now...

At this moment, all that in my heart right now is how I miss the life I used to have.

After dropping the phone after a long and senti chat I had with my PGC tropa last night, A wind of sadness blows on my face as I realize that no matter how I do, or how I try,

I can never bring back the time when everything was still play for me.

I can always try though, but it will never be the same again.

Black Party Afterthoughts

I was about to dedicate this post about what happened to me and phanks on the eve of the Black Party but somehow along the way, I got loss for words on how I'd like to express my thoughts.

But anyway,

We were there hours before the party started. We even joined the ODDERs in District Bar before Phanks had completely bored himself staring at everyone and trying to relate to our conversations.

That night, he was complaining about his allergy, so I guess he's not really in the mood to go to the event. However, realizing how important the Black Party was, I insisted that we should at least check it out and leave early if ever he doesn't enjoy the crowd. But seeing him tired and bored and trying to relate as everyone talk made me decide that we should check out the crowd for a while and leave the guys with their business.

But on our way to Orosa, he asked me if we could go home.

Since I was already suffering from work fatigue, we decided to leave the scene and hailed a cab that will bring us home.

But of course, couples like us don't sleep when we chanced ourselves in one bed.

Let's say, we almost spent more time that night... humping around than resting our bodies. So leaving Temalats was a good trade-off, I thought. It's alright to wait for another seven months for the White Party and since I already domesticated, those gigs aren't really for me already.

We had a great night together and I'm sure, even if phanks had a little sleep that night,

his sleep was deep and peaceful one.

---

Whenever I read some post from single guys, I cannot help but remember the time when I was single too.

Well dudes, my single life was wild and dangerous one. It was so slutty that I had to put a monicker to my PEx handle before - Darkstar.

Darkstar was a rebel, the opposite of my contemplating and compassionate self.

But sometimes, when I feel threatened or insecure about my relationship, the first thing that comes into my mind is thinking about him - us. Sabagay, Darkstar was unforgiving and notorious. I'd remember him spending an entire night in Mint/Mr. P just for the purpose and thrill of being taken home by someone he just met...

A lot of things happened during those times - especially during the last weeks before I met phanks for the first time in YG. Minsan nakakamiss rin yung thrill at yung excitement ng pagiging ganun... since you don't have to answer to anyone, hawak mo ang buong kalibugan mo.

I don't know, despite my thoughts and seeming readiness to jump into that mode again, I'm not so sure if my physical and emotional attributes can sustain me with that lifestyle. In fact, whenever things are shaky between me and my bud, no matter how I try to protect myself with such thoughts, my fear would always be how to survive a break-up, especially with one you have spend an entire fortune of emotions just to build and make it a strong one.

Pero let's just reserve those thoughts for another time. Bakit nga ba napunta dun ang mode ng blog ko?

But seriously, when I read chris' aka boi-bitch blog this afternoon, his entries these past few days made me remember my own time. In fact, the thought has penetrated deep into my subconciousness - into my dreams already.

Before, even in my dreams, I would dodge someone I am tempted with.

In last fridays dream, all I could remember is letting go and make it happen. (since he was my frustration).

---

But anyway, we don't know what happens in life. Despite our relative stability and long-term views, I might end up with someone else in the future. For now, I'd like to enjoy the feeling of being domesticated.

Sometimes, despite how colorful life is out there, one would somehow still feel very lonely after all the lights and music went out.

Sex is just sex, and that could be availed 24-7.

But true love comes only several times in one lifetime.