Eagle Without Wings

They taught me how to fly
when things we're better off for me
and I soared high above
when they were very much expect me to be.
I was proud and confident
the world was below my feet.
I thought things would never end
but alas!
a very strong wind blew me off course.

And I fell on the ground,
tumbled like a dead trunk.
They never taught me how to land,
much more how to survive a crash-land.
The fall broke my wings
and left me big gaping wounds.
My heart is beating, I yearn to survive.
my spirit wants me to fly,
but no matter how I try to flap
my wings,
I still cannot leave the ground,
the once proud bird I was
is no more,
soul-empty, dignity loss
in front of everyone

I have become an eagle without wings.

Isn't She Beautiful?

[image deleted]



She's my ex... and my first lover.

We lasted for 6 months, spanning the last months of my academic life. We were ok, but compared to the relationships after her, ours were more of an experimental rather than serious.

I know, I had a lot of shortcomings.

She was the one who took responsibility of our relationship. I had a lot of complains about her, while she endured many unorthodox features our relationship had. I did a lot of nasty things behind her back, most of which, I can't imagine myself doing today to Phanks.

I tried our to be different, but sometimes the tested will always be the one to prevail.

I know, I have a lot of regrets.

If only I exerted more efforts to understand her, perhaps we have lasted little bit longer. If I loved her just the way I love(d) those who followed, perhaps we're engaged today.

If I held on... if I had already incorporated the system I am using today, if I was already mature that time

Perhaps, my life would have been easier.

A lot of things would never have happened.




I might not have become a PLU at all.

Call Center Mayhem II

A girl-friend I met earlier also took the exams. Since her friends were still at Convergys, we decided to take a 15-minute walk back to Equitable since we're already having a nice conversation about our lives.

I found out that we're on the same situation right now - being the breadwinner of her family really puts the pressure on her to find a higher-paying job. She was a graduate of PUP a couple of years ago and like me... it's her first time to try this career.

So we walked along San Mig Ave, hoping to find a Mini-Stop Store to buy Red Bull for me. I was already sagging, worried that I might not answer the questions on the next exam in that state. We saw her friends crossing our direction near Discovery Suites. Her friends told me how the exam went in Convergys and from their experience, the exam was very hard.

Since it was just 4 pm when we reached Equitable, her friend told me to join them as they submit their resume at Ambergris. Taking this opportunity (since I was submitting my resume to various call centers this morning) I also submitted my C.V., not sure what position I'll apply in their company.

Indeed, Ambergris is really a nerve wracking experience. They have exceeded all my expectations in work environment alone. The interview was a complete disaster, as I began to feel nervous while the serious, melancholic interviewer started to ask some questions about me.

Virtually, I messed things up, put myself into shame and saw how small I was in a big and funky company that is Ambergris. The interviewer told me to wait for their call on Friday, however, if they fail to call me, it means that I am out of the race. Looking at how terrorizing the place is, I think I'll pass Ambergris in my Call Center experiment.

---

Tired, Sleepy and Alone, I dragged myself back to Convergys to take the exams at 6. There was no time to rest or take a nap as it was already past 5 when I got there. Instead, I tried to mingle with co-examiners hoping that I would feel at ease with them.

You see, one of the perks of applying for a job is meeting fellow applicants like you. It's always a good relief to find strangers who walk your way, making you comfortable knowing that you're not alone in your plight.

Anyway, the Convergys exams was different from the exams I've taken so far. It was a practical exam, where they would already expose you in a call center environment. It was difficult especially if you'll realize that if you ever pass the exam, you would be the one talking to the simulation client on the PC Software.

During the first part alone, I was expecting myself to be booted out. I'm not sure with my answers but miraculously, I passed the test. The second one, which is data encoding and e-mail responding was very easy. I was perfectly confident that I'll pass the second round... but

They failed me.

I failed not knowing where I got wrong.

Bitter and disappointed, I thanked them for the wonderful simulation they have. That was the closest thing I've ever experienced in the call center career. Unfortunately, Convergys wasn't my call.

Puffing my last cigarette, drained and in the point of emptiness. I quietly boarded the bus going home.

All in all, I submitted 4 resumes today in different companies. Out of the 4, three interviewed me on the spot, all of them call centers. Out of the three call centers, two asked me to take the exam at once. But at the end

Ambergris was a disaster and a sure-fire failure.

I am left hanging at Sykes... my last best hope for a Call Center Career.

And I lost bitterly, defending my turf in Convergys. I know, I'm correct with my answers but I failed.

Ending this entry, I felt a new surge of home and fear in what I am venturing right now. The morning before I left, I barely knew how to communicate with someone in pure english. When I got home, I was still speaking accented english to my mom.

Oh well, all I've ever wanted is freedom and security. If Sykes would end up also as a failure... then so it be. I'm sure, there's still life out there. I could gain my freedom soon.

But for now, I have to rest my body already. I'm already drained.

Call Center Mayhem I

I left home at around 7 in the morning to drop by in Recto to have my pictures taken. At 8:30 am, I boarded an fx going to Ortigas to submit my resume to my prime target:

Sykes Asia

Since they were entertaining initial interviews, I was given a slot also that morning. The interview went well but conversing in straight english used up all of my mental energies. I was lucky to be invite for the exam in the afternoon. They told me to eat my lunch and return back at 1 pm.

During the course of the interview, I found some co-applicants like me. They were all girls and for a moment, I did enjoy their company. We went to Equitable Tower behind Robinsons Galleria to submit our application in some events organizing company. Then they all agreed to try their luck with

Convergys

So we went to the other side of the building and submit our resume to the HR Officer.

It's the same system, they paneled interview us, asked a lot of things about ourselves but since most of the HR persons were gays - jolly gays, we felt at ease talking to them.

Again, I was asked to return in the afternoon to take the exam since I passed the initial interview.

But Convergy's schedule would conflict with Sykes, so I made an alibi requesting Convergys to reschedule my exams since "I would fetch my mom" that afternoon. Fortunately they asked me if I would like to take the exam in the evening, better late than never, I cordially accepted their alternative.

By this time, it was already 12:30 in the afternoon. The venue of the Sykes exam was at the other end of San Mig Avenue. To avoid arriving late, I decided to take a cab back to Sykes and completely forget eating a heavy meal.

I taught myself to be content with some donuts I bought at Mister Donuts. Tired and hungry, time was already running against me. Running towards the elevater and into the Sykes' lounge, I've learned that the exam will be postponed by an hour. Taking this opportunity, I decided to take a nap in an effort to recover some energies I've spent talking with Recruitment officers.

The exams in Sykes was a bit difficult, especially the abstract test. After answering all the questions, the proctor called 4 examinees. By this time, I had this feeling that they were the only ones who passed the test but to my surprised, they were the ones who were booted out. We made it through the next and final level of interviews for today in Sykes.

I know, I answered very confidently to the interviewer. But she only told me to wait for their call later this week.

Some Small Supertalk

I will leave home early to apply for work.


















Wish ko lang, sana may tumanggap sakin.

The White Party

I just wanted to have some fun.

That's why I went there and mingled with the ODDERs guys. The truth is, I don't want to go out after Phanks and I met and ate our dinner. The thought of depression and hopelessness still linger on my mind, yet the chance and the opportunity to get a life is on hand. This kind of event happens once in several weeks so I decided to go, leaving all my worries behind.

As usual, Malate was filled with gay people. Tuklings, Drags, and even SMKs filled the scene. The Gogo Boys danced at the platform like they were in BED, however it's obvious that they look stupid dancing there while failing to initiate the crowd to dance with them. It's all in the matter of stage set up. It was actually a disaster... even fishing for potential mates would be very hard to do because of that.

While travelling all the way from Cubao to Malate, I was expecting a better presentation, knowing that it was BED who was the lead organizer of the event, but I think it flunked big time. It really did flunked not because of the organization but the set-up itself. It could have been better if people were given the chance to have a really exciting dancing area where they could fish around, but no... It was boring and the sounds were boring too. Not the BED scene I usually enjoy and look forward to.

Anyway, the entire Sangkabadingan converged at the spot where they first found a voice which is Orosa Street. As it was advised before, those who wanted to hide should avoid the event completely. The out-people would dominate the event so as much as possible, the closeted should forget going there. But boys will be boys, though most of them did not mingle with the epicenter crowd, they were all scattered in the area. Good strategy yet not really effective. A girl classmate back from college saw me in front of Bargo. I was desperately trying to hide the reason why I was there. I don't know if she fully knows by now but every puzzle she's been looking all along is there. I don't know if I managed to hide from her... but....

I don't care anymore. As long as I'm with friends. As long as I had this moment to forget everything and as long as it made me happy.

Quever...

Life is too precious to worry about how people would look at me after they saw me at that event.

---

Phanks and I visited the church this evening. Wala lang, I am very aware that we have put God in our relationship that's why no matter what challenges we have to face, whenever we realize that we're blessed. Everything ends up better.

---

It's the start of the week, and at this moment alone, I know how much depression and pressure will I take before it briefly ends 7 days from now. I will try to be less depressing. No matter what happens, even if God Himself would take away everything from me. I will remain optimistic...

But if ever this blog would fall silent for a long period of time...

Then it's goodbye.

The thought of suicide had taken over me.

Thank you very much.




Tsaring!

Just Like That

It took me a year to adjust being a president of an entire batch of college students. And part of the adjustment is gaining respect of everyone who is under you.

For the first three months, they saw me as the underdog, their servant to their every whims. One classmate even commented that, why do I have to be apologetic everytime I do a mistake. I tell you, it was hard, and there were times I even contemplating of resigning because of some intrigues I was just caught off.

The school year ended, and somehow, I got a favorable response from them. My strategy was simple, befriend their barkada leaders and the entire group will befriend you. Show them humility and concern and they will look up to you as one of their own.

In fact for a time, our class seemed like a small federation. The major decision factors lie on the barkada heads themselves. I was there to validate their decision and present it to the authorities concerned. Politics played a significant role here but I showed them more of my personal and human side, that's why they responded that way.

You see, I never expected that I'll be a leader in my entire life. I was so used to being the follower, or just the assistant of the leader, but not really the leader. I'm not good in decision making, and I don't have the confidence leaders must have, but they voted for me and for my part, I don't want their expectations to fail.

Fourth year, a small group lead by the most progressive and most distant of my classmates nominated my classmates who ran for student council president. I know, my hopes of being a two time president is being challenge, but since I treat these guys more of a family than just mere classmates, I let go... and guess what, I got an overwhelming majority, it proves that leadership sometimes is more of humility and compassion than strength of character and personality.

For my last year as president, I took on the responsibility more than everyone could ever imagine. It's like looking after my brothers and sisters making sure they are safe and away from harm. I was the first one to warn them of an impeding failure in their subjects, and I was the one who usually lead and represent them to our teachers and instructors, often mediating academic issues and sorts.

Yet, I was never fully respected that much like most leaders do. I still remained the underdog - the "servant leader" our former ABSC President claimed to be. But together with the Society President and her officers, we were a perfect team, and we made great strides not only in our academics but in the entire Faculty itself. Until now, we were proud of who we are, and my classmates remains one of the best in their careers today.

---

Whenever I looked back at that time, I still see myself as an inefficient and lousy leader. However, my achievements were most noted on interpersonal skills and compassion towards others. It didn't matter to me if I get the respect I need, as long people would work for the entire whole, then I think I'm still effective after all.

Conrado De Quiros was right about what he said on his columm some months ago.

"If you want to be the leader...

Inspire."

And I think dad doesn't know this basic tenet of being a leader.

Where Do I Go From Here

Nag-iinternet ako dito sa may Pedro Gil.

Sinamahan ko si Phanks magpa-check sa doctor. Medyo problemado daw talaga ang pag-wee wee niya kaya hayun, napilitan ko na rin samahan kesa naman nagwoworry ako na baka kung ano ang mangyari sa kanya sa gabi.

Matapos pasukan ng catether yung urinal passage niya, sabi nung doctor, normal naman ang findings niya. Wala siyang nakikitang anomaly sa problema ni Phanks. This time, kuntento na ako kasi specialist na talaga ang pinuntahan namin. Kahit medyo mabigat sa bulsa, keri na rin. Yun nga lang, minsan nakakapagod at nakakasawa na, pero ganun talaga eh. Part ito ng buhay.

---

Di pa rin ako pumapasok ever since binagsakan ko ng phone yung dad ko. Mukhang pakiramdam na rin niya na pissed off ako sa kanya kaya hindi ako tinatawagan. Anyway di ko rin naman sinasagot kapag tumatawag. Ayoko sa lahat ng tao eh yung lahat na lang sa paligid niya eh ayaw niya pagkatiwalaan. If he cannot appreciate his key people, who can? Diba?

---

I don't want to admit it directly, but I'm afraid that im slowly sinking into depression. Alam mo yun, ang hirap pala ng feeling mo useless ang existence mo. Sabagay ako rin naman ang may kasalanan, araw na ako matulog at hapon naman gumigising. Pero ano ang choice ko, papasok ako na hindi alam kung paano aayusin ang work. Dagdag pa dun yung walang katapusang blabber ng tatay ko tungkol sa mga tao niya. Kung ganun at ganun lang, tinatamad na rin akong pumasok. I don't want to work in a company where even tranquility and peace of mind is hard to find.

---

I've been sending my resume to different companies again. I know, it's hard to do this things but I have no choice. My wealth resources is dwindling and my God! This is the source of my insanity, my depression, my ultimate destruction (chos!) Seriously, mahirap walang keso. Mahirap ang walang ginagawa. Kaya kailangang humanap ako ng buhay.

---

Gusto ko sana pumunta sa White Party ngayong gabi. Pero tinatamad ako. Sana lang... Wish ko lang, meron akong ODDERs na macontact bago ako magdecide umuwi sa bahay. Sa totoo lang, nakakaburat na magkulong sa room. Nakakaremind lang kasi sakin sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.

Thursday Afternoon Tyrst

When I was still in Grade Six. My greatest and most sought after hero was combatron. I even allocated around 10 pesos every week from my allowance just to buy Funny Komiks and read it during recess breaks.

Those were the days of blissful innocence.

Perhaps after dismissal, I would head at the library to read some books only few kids would appreciate. During those times, everyone is mad about those teeny boper mystery novels. While most of the kids were at the central reading area, I set my reading area where only few kids would discover me. One would see me behind a big bookcase, happily reading a history book or some book about paranormal studies.

I admit, I am a little bit eccentric before, and really, people avoided me.

When I was in elementary, I had only few friends. I think I could even rival James then for being a loner. I was happy being alone, and I don't care whatever kids would tell about me.

After spending an hour in the library, I would go to a place we called little Banawe at the back of our school. It was an experimental residential area where there was a landscaped central
open area for its residences. Since it was a very excluded area, I mostly enjoy the place all by myself.

Aside from its tranquil surroundings, Little Banawe was a big botanical paradise. Back then, I was extremely passionate with plants. I would collect samples of every interesting plants I see, which usually had a weird-looking leaf or leaves with different color aside from green.

By 5:30 pm, I would return to the school bus station where the conductors would be puzzled by the plants I brought back. Sino nga ba naman ang hindi ma-weweirdohan sa isang elementary student na linggo linggo kung mag-uwi ng "halaman" sa bahay nila.

And by bringing home plants, our backyard became a mini-botanical garden which made that part of the neighborhood greener than it used to be before. We were at the middle of a polluted metropolis, yet sometimes, even butterflies would appear at the backyard. I was the envy of old ladies everywhere because I had a very verdant garden which they cannot even do despite their free time.

You know, when you're very passioned to do something, your creations would work wonders for you.

And it did. They thought I had the green thumb, but it was really only dedication and love that brought that place to where it was.

----

That was my typical friday afternoon when I was still in elementary. The evening are much more interesting, but that reserves another entry in my blog. It lasted for around a year, and lost all momentum at the middle of first year high school. New interests kills your passion, they say, and it did destroy everything I've worked for.

Things changed really fast, the bitterness and happy memories I had in elementary lost in remembrance. Highschool was quite different from where I came from, and new passions rose above those it destroyed.

----

Four days ago, I discovered the friendster account of my elementary batch. Some of those lost acquaintances back in elementary were there very different from what I even remembered.

And the memories I kept well hidden, suddenly resurfaced back as if everything was just a yesterday away.

The First and Last Sunny Confrontation

I will never forget this night.

For the first time, I hanged the phone on my dad. I got all fed up with all his strong words to our financial manager. It seems like the crisis has gotten him. My mom think that his decision making and management abilities have already been impaired. God sawa na ako. Hindi ko na kayang marinig ang panglalait niya sa mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko pa.

Pasensya na, I was about to write a lighter blogger entry when he called. Shempre ako naman nakakaramdam na maglalabas ng sama ng loob sakin yung tao so bri-nace ko na ang sarili ko. He told me, pumasok ako ng maaga mamaya dahil kami na daw ang magtatake-over ng accounting department. He'll show Ms Delia who's the boss in the company. Hirit ko naman, "wala namang umaagaw sa position mo ah."

I don't want to recollect all the verbal trade-offs we had, but suffice to say, I was very very close to telling him all the resentments I have kept throughout this time. Mahirap na, baka bigla na lang ma-stroke yung kausap ko sa kabilang line, mabuti ba bagsakan ko na lang ng telepono sabay magpretend na nagkaroon ako ng nervous breakdown at nagwawala sa banyo pagtawag ulit.

Of course, I'm not the type of person who'll break down because of a problem. I would rather run away than being swallowed by it. Sa totoo hindi ko alam, hindi ko na alam kung sino ang papakinggan ko. After I slammed the phone, I immediately talked to his sister, which is the production manager to assess the situation.

And I found out that we're indeed in a very grim scenario.

I well understand how deadly our predicament is. I am very well aware that anytime everything would fall. But would it be better that despite the threats and crisis we face everyday, we face it with a peace of mind and a united heart? Problema kasi, mukhang wala nang tiwala tong tatay ko sa Finance Manager. I know by heart that the Finance Manager is doing everything to keep the company afloat. I know that most of the time, she's alone in her fight, kaming dalawa ni papa nagtatago sa kung saang sulok ng kama.

But can you blame me? How can a 22 year old resolve a problem reserve for elders and experienced businessmen? I can do much, but without the money, and the necessary authority to back me, everyone would think that I am just a mere kid. I've seen it before, I attended a dealers meeting and a lot of them we're a bit surprised why the company sent a kid to deal with big people. Ok lang sana sa akin, but when people starts to treat you as a kid, treating you to the point that they compare you to their own kids, diba parang nakaka-engeng rin?

My mom thinks I'm already nursing a tattered soul. Minsan nga naiisip ko, sa sobrang dami kong dapat isipin, madaling-araw na lang ang time ko para maging bata. I mean enjoy the small things that doesn't involve dialogue or compromise, or management or money. Minsan, mismong pagyoyosi na lang eh big break na sakin kasi feeling ko demure pa rin ako kapag naka-marlboro kahit tense na tense na ako.

Pasensya na talaga. I know some anonymous reader would laugh at my predicament, but you know what, sometimes I would really wanted to trade places with people who doesn't have to think big... to worry about everything aside from themselves. Seriously, I envy people who just have to worry about where to get their next money for their gym or watching movies, or buy the latest fashion craze. Inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong hawak nila ang sarili nilang buhay kasi ako hindi ko maafford mag-isip ng ganun. I would always have to think about my mom and my sis, about the business and everyone around it.

I know, I still learn from everything that's happening to me, pero minsan naiisip ko na rin talaga kung saan ba ako patungo. I prepared myself before for an empire in a bed of roses, pero ngayon, even just a moment of tranquility has its price. Our predicament made me think about a lot of things... and envy a lot of people of my age. Buti na lang wala sa isip ko ang mag-asawa kundi paano na ang mama at utol ko.

Minsan, nakakapagod maglakad sa tunnel na hindi mo alam kung kailan makikita ang liwanag. Everyone is telling me to surrender everything, end let my dad suffer his own fate, parang hindi ko rin kaya sumuko. Hindi ko na alam kung paano gagawin at sa totoo lang, ayaw ko nang makisali pa sa gulo. I tried my best to maintain order despite the crisis, but when the head itself is the one destroying the order... then I can't do anything about it.

Andami ko pang gustong sabihin pero kahit utak ko hindi ko na makita kung nasaan. Dapat sana marami akong ikwekwento tungkol sa mga novelties na nangyari sa buhay ko pero laging na-oovershadow ito ng problema ko sa trabaho. Gusto kong humanap ng buhay pero habang naiipit ako sa mga sitwasyon na hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin, mas gusto ko pang maging patay.

I am very very tired.

and in my dreams, I just want everything to end.

Dear Ateng

Pasensya na kung sunod sunod ang post ko ngayon ha. Medyo marami lang akong gustong ilabas sa utak ko kaya madaldal ako sa blog ko. Siguro lilipas din to, marami lang akong takot na nararamdaman ngayon, takot na hindi ko mailabas sa PEx o kung kanino man, kaya sa mga nagbabasa sa akin, pasensya na lang.

Nakakatuwa magbigay ng advice sa mga taong hindi mo kilala. Kahit paano nakaka-uplift rin yun sa dapa mong kaluluwa. Tingin nila, confident at assuring ang mga advice na binibigay mo sa kanila. Ang sarap ng feeling kapag may nakikinig sa mga hinaing ng loob mo.

Hindi nila alam, kahit ako marami akong hinaing sa buhay. Siguro sadyang innate na lang sakin ang tumulong kahit ako eh nangangailan na rin ng tulong. Siguro masyadong built-in na sa akin ang magbigay ng goodwill sa iba, ng hindi man lang tumatanggap ng kapalit. Tutal, marami na rin naman akong blessings na natatanggap eh, bayad ko na rin yun para naman maging balanse ang lahat sa akin.

Sa totoo lang, nagwoworry ako sa buddy ko lately. May sakit siya, sabi ni Meng meng mukhang abscess yung mga bukol na tumubo sa kilikili niya. Haay, ewan ko ba, ayaw ko sanang maging source ng worry ko yun, lalo na ngayong andami dami kong hinahandle na problema, pero minsan gusto ko na ring sumuko kapag naglalabas siya ng mga angst niya sa akin. Wala naman akong magawa, kasi sa akin lang siya naglalabas ng sama ng loob. Hindi na rin ako ata sanay na wala siyang nirereklamo sa akin tungkol sa buhay niya sa linggo linggo naming pagkikita.

Sa totoo, nagpapasalamat na lang ako at hindi pa ako nasisiraan ng bait sa mga sinasalo ko. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko lumabas ngayong gabi para lang makapag-yosi. Masyadong malaki ang nicotine intake ko this year. Meron kasi akong habit na maglagay ng kung ano ano sa bibig ko kapag tensionado ako.

Alam mo ba Ateng, narealize ko na ok palang tension reducer ang magjakol kapag restless ka? Siguro andami ko nang nasayang na tamod this week pa lang dahil sa sobrang restlessness ko habang nag-aanticipate ng mga problemang padating. Nasasabi ko tuloy sa mama ko minsan, gusto ko ulit maging first year college. Parang ang sarap ng buhay ng nasa school. Wala ka masyadong iniisip na problema. Ang issue mo lang noon ay kung paano ka makakapag-pacute sa mga classmates mo.

Haay buhay. Nakakainggit ang mga taong sarili lang nila ang dapat nila isipin. Ang sarap siguro ng pakiramdam na walang dumedepende sayo. Sakin kasi, andami kong kailangang isipin. Una sa lahat, panganay ako at alam kong babagsak sa akin lahat ng responsibilidad if ever may mangyari sa parents ko - dad ko for that matter. Kaya siguro natuto na rin akong maging madasalin kahit hindi ako religious na tao. Marami kasing bagay ang hindi ko kakayanin kung medyo mahina ang spiritual foundations ko.

Sa totoo lang ateng, naghahanap ako ng tao na pwede ko rin paglabasan ng sama ng loob. Minsan, nangangarap ako na sana may makausap akong dwende o engkanto para naman may spice ng kaunti ang buhay ko, at para rin medyo out of this world ang mga advice na makukuha ko. Nakakatuwa minsan pero... sa dami ng kailangan kong isipin at katakunan, naghahanap na rin ako ng mga bagay na pwede kong mapaglibangan - yung tipo bang magdidivert sakin sa reality ng buhay.

O sha, medyo madrama na naman ako ngayong umagang to. Siguro kelangan ko lang manuod ng Nickoledeon para naman ma-refresh ulit ako. Pasensya na sa mga mambabasa na hindi talaga nakakakilala sa akin. Ganito lang ako kapag sarili ko na lang ang kausap ko.

Kaya masarap magkaroon ng blog eh. At least pwede ka namang magbaba ng sarili mong forcefield.

For a change, ako naman ang pwedeng dumaing dito.

Maktub Part Two

Ilang oras matapos umalis yung Finance Manager namin, may tumawag sa phone ko gamit ang isang unregistered number.

Nung una, ayaw ko sana sagutin, pero since baka emergency yun, napilitan rin akong pinduting yung talk button at pakinggan kung sino ang nasa kabilang linya.

Narinig ko yung boses nung lalaki. OJ daw ang pangalan niya at kagagaling lang niya sa states para mag-open ng business dito sa Pinas. Since si Meng meng pala ang nagrekomenda sa kanya para kausapin ako, naglaan na rin ako ng panahon para pakinggan kung ano ang offer niya.

Nagbebenta siya ng parang diagnostic equiptment para sa mga clinics at doctor. Di ko masyado napakinggan yung detalye, pero sa alam ko, opportunity yun. Although hindi ko sure kung ano ang potentials ko... at kung magagawa ko ba yung mataas na expectation niya sa akin, pero willing akong tumulong. Hindi ko alam pero parang part yun nung puzzle na nangyari buong hapon. Bihira lang ako mag-analyze ng mga detalye pero sadyang isang malaking palaisipan sa akin ang mga nangyayari ngayon.

Mamaya papasok na ako ng work. Haharap ako sa problema kahit hindi ko alam kung may matutulong ba ako. Kakalimutan ko ang sarili kong mga paranoia, matugunan lang at mabigyan ng balanse ang mga taong nangangailangan ng aking gabay.

Sapat ng ebidensya ang mga nakaraang araw na normal na operations namin, kahit nasa punto kami na lahat ay babagsak at magtatapos sa aming negosyo. Hindi pa huli ang lahat, sabi ni Mama, tingnan ko ang mga yun bilang isang positive intervention sa amin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang plano Niya, pero siguro bago pa mahuli ang lahat, kailangan ko na gumalaw ngayon.

Sana tama ang pagkaintindi ko sa mensahe. Mangyayari ang mangyayari pero mukhang kailangan kong maging parte ng kung ano ang pwedeng mangyari.

Maktub Part One

It is done...

For days, I was trying to run away from the problems that hampered our family business. It pushed me towards isolating myself from everyone, only to leave my room if I have to meet phanks.

I desperately tried avoiding to have any connection with the business... and yes, included my dad because I am tired... and weary from all the endless intrigues and palakasan system that hamper us from resolving the problem directly at the point.

I am really fucked up with all that is happening. And realizing my incapacities made me run away from everything.

In fact, I was about to prepare my resume, hoping... that I would find a new world... and a new freedom far away from the clutches of the institution I am serving right now.

But alas... the problem had reached me, it landed right in front of my home's doorstep.

---

The Finance Manager, out of frustration and helplessness called me asking if I could spare a time to meet her. She would like to visit me at home and talk about the problems that we are facing in the company.

Halfheartedly, I allowed her to come. I could not run from everything anymore, and at that moment, I've realized that I have to face my fears once and for all. I have to overcome it despite the doubts and tremendous insecurities that knocks my soul.

Several minutes after, my mom called me asking if I'm home so she could buy me a pasalubong. I told her that Ms. Delia would come and present to me the problems.

I know my mom, also tired of being involved in the company problems would like to avoid it too, yet to my surprise, she came home just as the Finance Manager and I would start the meeting.

It was a great relief I tell you. Talking to mature people still gives me the creeps, Thank God, my mom came to contribute her inputs as to what we can do to for strategies for the company "crisis."

---

The meeting took several hours, and the things we've talked about revolves around the intrigues that some staffs would circulate just to be close to my dad.

They knew dad to be a sucker for it, and they do everything they can so that they can be noticed.

Believe me, If I wasn't there to manage all those information/intrigues that reaches me everyday, the company will be in total chaos. That's one of the reason's why I have to quit my PR Writing career. There's to much trouble in the office and I know, I can manage it fairly well if I made myself more present in the office.

We talked about my dad's shortcomings and how we could put it to our advantage. I have to admit, working with him is a challenge. Employees who grew in a rigid corporate environment would never survive his management - and that's the reason why I really want to leave our company and try my luck elsewhere - I want to try something new, something more efficient, something more stable.

I'm a sucker for stability, but life doesn't allow me even to enjoy a year of it.

---

I would do everything for harmony - even to boot someone out of the office just to have it.

---

We ended the meeting, the Finance Manager feeling somewhat refreshed and inspired by my mom's words. Everyone knows (except my dad) how much she is willing to sacrifice for the company. The problem with dad is that he don't know his key persons. He tends to listen to those who would part him juicy intrigues, yet he would not analyze the problem at all.

He doesn't value the people who sacrifice a great deal of their efforts for him, instead, he completely relies to those people who would lick his big, smelly ass just to be in his "untouchable" circle.

---

After the Finance Manager left, I felt a strange eerie feeling that the meeting was an omen. I am not sure what the message is, but it made me realize that there's no escape at all. It's either I resolve this in one piece, or be swallowed by an impeding maelstrom that is about to destroy us all.

The cards are being laid already, all I have to do is play it well.

Juicy Fruit

For the first time, I used my kazaa to download porn files! Sheesh, tanginang kalibugan yan, ok lang, since you could not depend on the pirated blue porns being sold in Quiapo/Cubao/Greenhills, better look for my own. And there they are! right in my pc, begging me to download them so I can having some new visuals when I jack off. Woohoo!

---

And for the last two weeks I am regressing. Ever since thurday, I broke down and decided not to go to work, I decided to disassociate myself with everything that is happening in the office. I am tired. I need new things to do and would preoccupy me. I know that this is against all my ideals about living a good and effective life. But what can I do, the troubles left me insecure and helpless as it progresses.

---

Proximus is extremely insecure and paranoid. He is a very dangerous person. There were times in his life when he thought people around him were about to gang up and betray him at the very time he is in need of people to depend to. For years it haunted him. He was quite normal and participative during those panic attacks, yet his very reasoning is slowly eaten away by his paranoia. Sometimes, I still ask myself how did he survive all those panic attacks. Perhaps it evolved. Perhaps, those panic attacks still manifest whenever he is unable to face challenges he should partly resolve.

---

Monday... I feel so unmoved. I don't want to move... I just want to remain inside my room.

I would really like to find a new job. Just to invigorate me and straighten up my act, besides who wouldn't love the fresh supplie of money to fatten up your bank account. I don't care if I would spent a life time living a frugal existence, as long as I have my fattened account, I will survive.

---

It's quite nostalgic when it rains on a monday morning.

Buhos na ulan, aking mundo'y lunuring tuluyan
Tulad ng pag-agos mo,
'Di mapipigil ang puso kong nagliliyab
Pag-ibig ko'y umaapaw,
Damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
Tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

- Eraserheads, Tuwing Umuulan At Kapiling Ka

In Some Alternate Present

I never did met Phanks

and instead decided to push through a relationship with Toto, the guy I met and had popoy with when I was waging a bitter rebellion against Yul during the last months of our relationship.

After all, it was a one-night stand and one night stands has a higher chances of becoming a relationship since both partners have the opportunity to show intimacies especially after the sex itself has concluded.

If I could remember it right, I left a slightly deeper impact on toto, after we did it. He even said "mamimiss kita," after we enjoyed the night to ourselves...

and if we became us, would my life be the same?

---

I can't imagine that it would happen tonight. For the first time, I had a long conversation with a former pseudo-FuBu about life and being a PLU. I can't imagine that I'll know him deeper and even though something happened between us, I could still show a lever of cordiality reserved for good friends and long-time acquaintances.

It was the first time I did managed to know the life story of a former sex partner... and I've realized that if I did take him seriously, I might have found a good partner earlier, before my second wild-days episode happened.

---

Wala lang, I was inspired by his story. It seems like he's the big brother I've been looking for. From his ideals about relationship to the way he strived to become a successful events merchandiser he is today, it seems like I would learn a lot from him - beyond the things I knew when we were still in bed together.

Ewan ko ba, bakit hindi ako ganung naging mas showy noon. Siguro pareho kaming hindi handa... siguro wala sa mga vocabulary namin ang salitang buddy ng mga panahong yun,

Na maaring hindi rin mag-work out ang isang relasyon para sa aming dalawa dahil hindi talaga kami nakatakda para sa ganun nung simula pa lang.

---

But what if in some alternate present we have been buddies?

Siguro, hindi naging ganun kalalim ang samahan ng odders kasi nawala ako sa eksena bago pa kami nagsimula magbond as a group.

Na hindi siguro ako makakatamasa ng kalayaan na ine-enjoy ko ngayon kay Phanks kasi nakatali ako sa isang PLU na higit na makakadominate sa akin

Na marahil enjoy nga ako sa isang monogamous relationship pero madami kaming limitasyon sa isa't isa, katulad ng pag-iintroduce sa kanya sa bahay bilang man lang kaibigan (kasi 8 years ang tanda niya sa akin): Our relationship may be a good one, yet we would remain quite impersonal to each other.

In short, I might have found a big brother in Toto, yet I wouldn't bloom like I am today since everything is spoon fed: he's far more advanced and mature than I am and it would completely hinder the potentials I would learn from managing a relationship just like I did when Phanks and I were just starting.

---

Indeed, life is a great mystery. Who would have thought that I would end up with Phanks, with all his crankiness and shortcomings. Sometimes, I still wonder, what if destinies have shifted against our favor before? Ano kayang klaseng buhay meron ako ngayon?

Salamat kay Benchboy, nagkaroon ako ng opportunity humarap muli sa nakaraan ko. Salamat at na-late siya dahil sa pangangarir sa Tribu, I met Toto again and he completely broke my eternal belief that you can never be friends with your sexmate.

I would have learned more... I would have known him more... But my limits are well defined.

I did not get Toto's cell number.

---

JC a.k.a Endshift from BMK introduced a friend who claims to be straight... well, as I see him, he would become a complete PLU in less than 6 months. :)

---

Dun sa bading na nakaapak sa paa ko na may takong ang sapatos:

PUTA KA! yun lang.

... At Oo, Maka-Star Trek Pa Rin Ako

Naadik ako sa Star Trek Voyager noon...

At pagkaraan ng ilang taon, nasagap ko rin yung Star Trek Enterprise...

At nagsisimula na rin akong magbalik-tanaw sa Deep Space Nine.

Di man ako trekker, parang ganun na rin ang nangyayari.

Kaya di na ako nagtataka na tinawag nila akong pulis pangkalawakan ng ODDERs

.

Me krash ako jan. Secret na lang kung sino. hehehe.

.

Pramis, mukha silang galing peryahan. Ewan ko ba kung bakit nabaliw ako sa sitcom na to.

.

Pagbibili kong bayag ko para dito.
---

Nyeta, madugo na naman sa opisina ngayon. Good thing hindi pa ako natutulog. Oh well, tulugan ulit ang problema... Sheesh, pathetic pero ayokong maging depressed.

Para Kay Sealdi

Gulat ako, nagbabasa ka pala ng blog ko.

Haay, ang tagal na nating hindi nagkikita, madalas hindi pa magtugma ang mga oras natin para makapag-usap. Mukhang andami ko nang na-miss out tungkol sa buhay mo, mapa sa lovelife, sa problema, sa kung ano ano pang kapraningan meron ka. Medyo madami na akong utang sayo hija, andami ko nang utang sa mga chikababes kong friends mula nang naging full-swing ang pagiging PLU ko.

Wala lang, umaga na, malamig ang hangin at kakabasa ng blog ni Sonny, bigla kong naalala ang mga time natin. Honga pala, ikaw ang aking dakilang sisterette, niligtas mo kami ni james, sampu ng sangkabaklaang dumapo sa pad dahil ikaw ang aming naging cover up. Sana wag mong masamain ang lahat... kung alam mo lang kung gaano kami ka-overprotective sayo ni dodong noon. Uubusan namin ng lakas ang sinumang mananakit sayo. harharhar!

Anyway, sana ok ka lang. Siguro naman, lalong naging sexy ka na ngayon at nagkaroon na ng figure yang boobs mo. :p Alam mo na, matanda ka na hija at mas advance ka pa sa amin pagdating sa pagmamanipula ng... Sana ay ok ka lang at masaya, ma-check nga ang bago mong blog pagkatapos ko nito, para naman ma-update ako sa buhay mo.

O sha, sa muling pagkikita. Lagi mong tandaan na kapag nakakakita ako ng higad, ikaw ang una kong naalala. Kapag nakakabalita ako ng bachelors pad, ikaw ang una sumasagi sa isip ko. Kapag napapadapo ako sa pad nila Sonny, lagi kong naalala ang time natin. Sana pala nagdala ako ng callboy galing sa circle. Pinagshow sana natin para naman may bagong pakulo sa pad.

Ingat ka lagi nanay. Maging masaya ka sana sa iyong buhay.

Ferris Wheel Ride

All was silent when I came to the office late this afternoon.

Actually, I wasn't so sure what happened. But I chose not to know everything because the truth will hurt me even more. I wasn't planning to go to work. In fact, the only thing that I'm really excited about was the pre-housewarming party called off by the fabulous divas of the OUTsiders.

But there are still a few things I am good at, and it's making people talk out the conflicts they have against each other. The whole afternoon, I was moderating a meeting between the head of the Advertising and Editorial Department. The lessons I've learned from working in the Ad Agency truly is pricesless, for it is there I get the examples and understandings I share with the people who listens and accepts me as their leader.

Despite the trouble and endless babblings. I hope both parties understood their mistakes. It's quite hard to fix misunderstandings and personal vendettas but right at this moment, it's the only thing I've been really good at.

Before I left the company premises, I saw the Finance Manager, weary and haggard. It seems like she's fighting a lone battle which I cannot give my full support. Only acknowledgements that despite her failures, I am still concerned with what she's been up to... That I am still trying to help her gain support from my dad's only sister and production manager.

And I knew that our bank indeed closed our account this afternoon. And the company is back to near zero, just where we all started a year ago.

---

For the first time, I had a heart to heart talk with my dad. I told him how much I felt useless in all these problems - that I see myself in a situation where I cannot even move a finger. Ever since I've seated in my position right now in the office, I tried to prepare myself for the worst thing that could ever happen in our empire - to seat in my dad's position if something bad happened to him.

Weird how things change: Before, I was extremely confident that I could manage everything despite his absence. But the challenges and pressures that come to us makes me realize that as I grow older, as I learn more about the inner workings of the company, the more I cannot take his seat as the President. That my own guts doesn't even reach his very legs.

I could say a thousand regrets about my father in this entry alone, but when it comes to big big troubles, he still manages to show his strength. I am perfectly sure that he's much more afraid than I do, but when I see how he makes sure he doesn't show his fears makes me admire him even more. He may be a lousy dad, but his strength of character especially in times like these, shows how much he is a father to me.

If I saw those traits a long time ago, perhaps I would not have to look for it in other men, thus in turn wouldn't turn me to a PLU looking for a big brother, a stronger guy who would be by my side to protect me.

He might never read this post, but for the first time, I admit how unprepared and unseasoned I am to be of the same caliber such as him.

---

We had a minor fight with my bud this evening and it's about a girl I've been very jealous of. Tangina, nakikipagkumpetensya ako sa kepyas and Meng Meng was right, why should I, in the first place, I don't have one to even challenge her.

My point is, I am extremely jealous because we are in the relationship and despite everything, we're still covered by our commitment and it includes even the kepyas gender.

What if I do the same, what if I pretend to have an interest with a kepyas, would phanks react the same?

---

Finally, I am very much relieve to see some of the ODDERs again. For two weeks the space between the boys have been silence, yet tonight we rocked the bachelor's pad. I do hope it would become our new headquarters. After all, I do enjoy hanging out with these guys. I don't care if I would become a diva one day, as long as I am with my family, the only people I would really want to live a lifetime with (aside from phanks), I'll do my best to preserve everything we have worked for the last two years of my existence as a PLU.

Kampai mga wapo, kampai!!!

Doom Right Before My Eyes

(written: june 16, 2004 4:03 am.)

I tremble.

This is what happens when I am the first one to know that doom is coming; that we’re dead meat before the major players know what will happen. This is the outcome of waiting the summary report of the night operations of the company. I know the details and when the details will kill us, I would be the first one to run away and hide from a distance.

For two weeks, we’ve been suffering from a major financial crisis. The postdated checks we used to pay our suppliers were due this June. However, the suppliers fearing that we’re accumulating so much financial debt from the supplies we ordered, declined to accept postdated checks from us anymore. That’s why we’re forced to push the limits and pay everything this June.

However, the timing for severe national economic crisis was just right for doom to happen. We’ve been having a hard time collecting income from our newspaper dealers and agents. They were trying to delay every payment since they, in turn, were having a hard time collecting from their sub-agents.

Today, we’ll be facing another doom. A doom that was responsible for the closing of our last remaining account in the bank. I don’t know how things would go on… and the most painful thing is that I don’t know what to do. I’m powerless when it comes to financial backing and what's more shameful is that I can’t even grab my balls to look… beg for someone to grant us a loan.

The Finance Manager was right, she was right when she lamented to me yesterday that she’s doing her best to help us keep afloat, while we do nothing to support her. She’s fighting our battles yet we’re not there to fight that battle with her. Everyone’s telling me not to loose hope – that to go on even when there’s no more road to go.

But all I can think of is how to run away and assure my family - my mom and sis of a surviving future far away from this trouble. This work made me worthless and dishonorable in the face of everyone. The only legacy I’ve shown so far is my chicken-ness in the face of insurmountable problems.

Sometimes, I ask myself my worthiness when it comes to these problems. Is there someone worse than me when it comes to facing all of these realities? My cousin told me that at his young age, he seems to have suicidal tendencies… I don’t know. I am just very confused and fearful of what will happen when I wake up this afternoon.

Again, I will try to sleep over all of these problems. Lately, I’ve been good at sleeping it over and let others do everything. You know, it’s very difficult when you’re in a position where all of your knowledge is useless against a challenge and all you can think of is how to plot the day after everything has taken away from you.

I’ve been preparing myself for everything… but when I think of destinies, I ask myself why do we have to suffer? Did we do anything wrong in this lifetime, or in past lifetimes to suffer all of these? Why are there people who don’t have to face this terror in all their lives? Was it their reward for doing nothing to accumulate all those wealth?

They say this will come to pass. I’ve been trying to be optimistic yet the reality is being smudged right in front of my face. Since my internet load has all been used up, I might post this at a later date, perhaps when the dust has finally settled. Believe me it’s very hard when you’re in this position. It really shows your weaknesses and monsters in face of adversity. Yourself becomes your greatest critic as your guilt and defense mechanisms fight over what is good for the survival of the people you’ve been fighting for and what is codified in your most basic principles.

I know, doing that something insane can swiftly end all these, but in doing so… in ending this battle, I’ll leave everyone hanging and empty… when I leave things around here unfinished.

All I can feel is the loud beating of my heart.

And it shows how pathetic I am when I am helpless. I am a shameless runner.

Nevertheless, another doom is looming.

May God have mercy on us.

Happiness

Is something difficult to achieve nowadays.

I've been sulking all this week because I have to lend my 30k to the office. It was a very difficult decision I tell you. That's the reason why it's hard to be the boss. I told them that they can return my money the moment they rebound from this season's financial difficulty, however, I don't know how long this drought would last.

In order for my mom to recieve dad's stipulation for this week, I told the finance manager that it's ok if I don't get my salary for this week's period. After all, one has to sacrifice for the greater good of the household, and that's what I'm telling myself these last two days so I can get it off my system.

Losing money and worrying where to get one makes me really really depressed.

---

What's more depressing is the fact that today is monday and I'll be expecting them to be all too panicky the whole morning. It's all about finances and what we've been desperately looking for this week is someone who can lend us money. Someone who is willing to invest their 100k+ bucks to be paid staggardly everyday.

Again, we would be asking for miracles. God has been gracious to us last week, I don't know if he would still perform his glorious manifestation today.

I just hope we will survive this.

We've been to worse kinds of situations, it traumatized me dearly... and it makes me tremble again.

---

I had a conversation with my younger cousin about happiness. I told him that happiness is something that is immaterial, therefore material things cannot bring you happiness. Time and again, I told someone that not everything can be brought by money - I have to remind myself that money should not control my moods.

But how can I tell myself that when loosing money means leaving me unprotected from emergencies?

---

Yes, my happiness greatly depends on my sense of security. I become erratic and distracted whenever that harmony is being challenge. I hope, and I can teach myself that order can be establish without money, however I don't know if it would work on real life situations.

My weakness lies on my capacity to look beyond the present situation. I tend to worry too much on the things that may happen resulting from the decisions or situation we faced right at the moment. I tend to look too far into the future, while completely forgeting the present. It leaves me paranoid and heavily frantic, I invest too much to protect myself from unseen enemies, while the real enemies comes knocking at my doorstep.

---

Sometimes, I ask myself what makes me happy? What makes me content and in harmony with my life? Whenever this problems arises, I feel like I just lost my freedom, that I'm chained and forced to face this problem which I am totally helpless.

Before, I find peace in small things. I find peace in monotonous order. Order and routine makes me content, it doesn't make me happy but at least I can look for peace.

---

Pao's seemed to be distress on his recent blog entry. This is quite disturbing considering that he fuels that little peace I get from blogging. Just remember dude, I am here to share you your burdens. Everything will be ok. Trust me.

---

Again, blogging became my security blanket.. my whiner's pit. A very close friend just invited in his friendster account. It seems like our (my) secretary has her own friendster. Cool.

Apartment Blues

Just woke up awhile ago. After clubbing last night, we went to check out Sonny and Chris' fabulous pad. The boys seems having fun redecorating their new nook, in fact as Meng and I put it, these guys can throw the Fab 5 out of business.

Being there reminded me of my own little nook somewhere in project 6 a year ago. We did have our own home and we did our best to make it homey as best as we can. It's just so amusing to see three new different people living as housemates, discovering their quirks and attitudes when in their own territory and enduring it as long as you live together.

It seems like Chris has the most remarkable attitude among the three. He seems to be the OC guy in the house. Grabe, di kinaya ng powers ko ang organization skills niya! In fact, nakakadiskubrehan na sila kung sino ang pinakakikay sa kanilang tatlo, which is something to watch for.

Nakakamiss lang kasi nung time namin, hindi pa ganun ka-close ang mga outsiders. The problem I've faced before minimized my presence in my pad. Tama si James, naging drive-in motel ko yung room ko. I am even wondering if I had really bonded with them at all, or I just never felt it but I did, in my own little way.

But you know what, living with three other guys with the same as such as your was one of the happiest days of my life. Imagine, you're free to do what you want to. Sayang nga eh, sana sinamantala ko na yung room na yun at nagdala na ako nang nagdala ng sangkatutak na... doon.

Sometimes, I just wish that I could bring back that time in my life... Sana, I made the most out of it kahit na medyo mahirap para sa akin na mahilig mamahay. Sana I did more fun with Sealdi, know more about James like Sealdi did, showed more of my quirkiness to them (which I really tried to avoid), share more memories with my housemates and bonded with them more.

Sonny, Paldeng and Paul reminded me of ourselves when we shared our nook. Sayang, I passed up the chance on many things when I had my own time.

Something To Run To.

Countless times, I was thinking... I moved out of blog yet I haven't achieved anything. All there is, was silence... and a little chit chat here and there at the PEx Thread.

But I have a lot more to say, There were a lot of personal thoughts in my head begging to be written, to be expressed as I used to do before.

The silence surrounding my space made me extremely lonely and distant. If not for my bud, I might have wandered off again. Blogging found me an island and that island self sustained me during most of my stay here. I hoped that leaving blogspace would bridge the distance this space had created, yet I feel that the distance remains. I have already exprienced how to have my own space, and I can't get out of it anymore.

The awkwardness of posting my thoughts in a public message board had already taken my mindset and my loneliness pushed me further into allowing myself to return here.

Well its time to arrange my space. It's been weeks since I left this place and I think I can't simply leave this just like that.

Tholitz Star System is now being recolonized. I need a little space to run to whenever I feel empty, afraid, nostalgic or just being plain happy...

Blogging made me feel alive.