For The Very Last Time

" Maraming pagkakataon gusto kong umiyak. Pero pinigilan ko. Ayokong masira ang bakasyon. Pero ngayon ko mas nararamdaman ang lungkot. Dahil mawawala na kayo sa akin."

It shows waps no matter how you try to hide it.

That's why I exerted so much effort to make this event possible. Despite the rains, the very unpleasant weather conditions, we tried to make this happen.

Because this maybe the last one.

The Montemar Contingent, despite it's incompleteness or pagiging bitin was a success. When you first opened the gates, when Paldeng and the guys slept over my place, when we returned to the vacation house finding Roy, Brian and the afternoon contingent settling in, it shows how much the people treasures this group.

Despite our imperfections, we remain a family and in our brief gathering, the spirit of that brotherhood shows in everything we do.

Like what I've said, the only thing I would remember afterwards is the bonding itself - all the small things that most of us will fail to notice. From Sonny and Jonas' fabulous food preparation, to the never-ending songs we played at the magic microphone, to Pao's memorable tagay, and becoming very drunk afterwards, to the way we danced like we're in Malate, to how the guys slept afterwards - everything we should be proud of as a group surfaced in this vacation and that's what the objectives are in making this gathering possible.

To make everyone feel that we remain the outsiders, no matter what changes comes in our brotherhood.

Several days ago, I had my doubts over everything that's happening around me. In fact, I was loosing hope as I don't feel the spirit of that friendship we've been cherishing before. A new group was adopting me as one of their own, in fact, I've been having some nice conversations with some of them just a night before we leave for the port.

But you know what, after I put down the phone, after I've reflected on what we've talked to, and what my initial impressions are of these people, I've realized that two years is a very long time to cultivate a friendship, and it doesn't simply loose its glitter as long as someone believes that the friendship, the brotherhood will survive.

They see me as one of their co-founders, but when I see them, I just see a creation, a creation which I involved myself... but will never become part of.

I am very very afraid of the things that may happen after you leave for the US waps. My fears were all reflected on my previous post and I was about to loose hope that we would not survive after you've been gone. But when we saw ourselves braving the weather just to be there at Montemar yesterday, when I saw the faces of the odders that were there as they go along with their affairs, I saw how human we have become to our PLU-friends and I think this is what makes us different from the other PLU groups that we see in Malate every friday.

The Outsiders may not be perfect barkada, but we've become human enough to touch the lives of people around us...

Still, the dream of seeing these guys for the rest of my lives remain... no matter what happens, I will stick in that dream and hopefully, 10 years from now, we still see each other again, drink in Quattro as we revel the night today, see the elder odders reach their prime of their lives, successful and happy with their current lovers.

You'll be leaving us for your own development waps. No matter what happens, never let go. You will always have a brother to return to here. We will be looking forward to another Montemar Contingent even if it would take a long time for that to happen again.

I will not cry, because we will see each other again.

Resurrection

We met him after several weeks of absence.

Perhaps it was God's will that brought him back to us, but suffice to say, I am overjoyed with this landmark dinner between them. I am ecstatic to see them together again, knowing how happy he is meeting him again after enduring weeks trying to forget him.

It's like a new morning for the three of us, it even overshadowed the looming dilemma that's happening in my group right now.

I spent the last two days mourning over what's happened in the circle lately. The news came trickling in, and to quote a friend, "those things we avoided and condemmed before had already happened right in front of us, we never saw it coming but it has already consumed the majority of us..." Even the core was not spared. Rumors are flying in, but this time, for the sake of everything I hold dear, I'll keep my silence about those things.

Many times, I asked myself why such things did happen? How did we avoided this disaster before? I know, I was a slut once, I was the pioneer of all these nice things, but I didn't showed that face inside, it was always beyond their eyes and ears... but why did it happened here?

There are so many lingering questions in my mind, and honestly, I am just trying to swallow everything one by one. However, one thing will forever stay - the dream is over. the constellation will prove that we're just the same like all others.

Perhaps, i would end my "pulis pangkalawakan" career tonight... I just found out that I was indeed alone in this battle - to protect whatever we believed was right.

Before this evening, my outlook was very grim. Very disheartening. I don't know where to run for cover, for enlightenment. I don't know who I could trust on this matter. I wanted to say it all, yet I know that saying these things to someone would dishearten him too. It was worse than I had previously been informed and now, we're just some steps before obliteration.

Yet tonight, we are resurrected. With his return, I feel alive again. And with return, I can finally begin my life elsewhere. Perhaps, in another space, perhaps in another time.

I'll end this blog not knowing how things would happen. The constellation will always remind me that dreams may not come true in one's lifetime. Perhaps it will, in another circle and in another time. But for now, I'll keep my silence. I'll try to accept everything as it is and learn that not everyone is perfect.

This is the phanksmaster... temporarily signing off.

Writer's Block Two

I think my days are numbered. I became too busy to reflect on things that happened to me. I can't even write properly my thoughts in my mind. Probably this is happening because I am preoccupied with many things. I am content, and for a moment's time, I am in control of myself.

It was a relief seeing Julius again. That kid who remains my link to my "untainted" past. I wonder, how would I react if ever he joins my league, what if I finds out if he started engaging on things I have done before.

I feel like I'm a mother to a kid. I think I was kinda overprotective of him when we clubbed last night at Bed.

I wish those older ODDERs would become a good kuya to him. After all, he's the youngest among the group. I hope he'll stay long enough to become a solid part of us...

Lifetime Project

Naglalakad kami ni phanks nung isang gabi sa Avenida nang mapansin ko yung isa sa mga dilapidated na department store malapit sa may recto.

Halatang pasara ang department store na yun dahil sa kakontian ng ilaw at kawalan ng aircon sa loob. Mapapansin mo rin na bagsak presyo talaga sila at mukhang ukay ukay ang mga tinitinda sa loob.

Habang nakatingin sa tindahang iyon, unang napansin ko yung hagdanan patungong mezzanine. Pamilyar sakin ang hagdanang iyon dahil minsan na akong naglakad dun... nung bata pa ako.

Di kaila na sa buhay ko, may panahon na talagang hirap na hirap kami sa buhay. Dumating ang mga oras kung saan kahit isang treat sa jollibee ay hindi magawa samin ni mama dahil sa kawalan na pera. Kaya hayun, para ipalimot sakin ang totoong estado namin sa buhay, nakuntento na lang ako sa pagwiwindow shopping namin sa Avenida at nagdi-dine in sa mga turo turo na burger joint sa lugar na iyon.

At tandang tanda ko pa, isa iyon sa mga department store na pinasyalan namin.

Tanda ko pa, pasara na ang tindahang iyon pero ayaw ko pa rin magpaawat dahil may gusto akong kotse kotsehan dun. Bata pa lang, tinuruan na ako ni mama na i-prioritize kung ano ang praktikal na gastos at kung ano ang maaring ipagpaliban pa. Pero dahil sa kamusmusan ko pa nun, mahalaga sakin ang kotse kotsehan na yun. Kahit anong pilit sakin ni mama na umuwi na kami eh iginigiit ko pa rin na baka pwede naming bilhin yun, kahit hindi na kami kumain sa labas.

At nauwi ang higitan sa bilihan.

At gaya ng kinumpromiso ko, di nga kami nagdinner sa labas nun.

---

Makaraan ang mahabang panahon, unti unting nagbago ang estado namin sa buhay. Kahit paano, nakaangat kami nang magsimulang magnegosyo si papa. Masakit mang isipin na sa height na kayamanan namin eh patak lang ang naramdaman sa bahay, pero ok na yun kahit paano kesa naman sa wala.

Nang magkaroon ako ng sarili ko ng pera, pinilit kong balikan ang mga lugar na dati naming pinupuntahan ni mama. Nabalikan ko na yung burger joint na kinakainan namin noon, di miminsang naglakas loob akong tikman ang burger dun kahit na... masusuka ka sa quality ng pagprepare nila ng mga burgers. Dati rati ay sikat ang restaurant na yun, ngunit sa panahon ngayon na Mcdonald's, Jollibee at Wendys ang bukambibig ng mga tao, sadyang nakalimutan na ang mga joints na katulad nun.

Simula ng nagtrabaho ako, naging financially independent na ako sa nanay ko. Kadalasan nga ay ako na ang nagbibigay ng pera sa kanya. Siguro dahil aware lang ako ng mga naging simula namin, ang walang sawa niyang pagtuturo ng practicality sa paggastos ng pera, at ang katotohanang hindi niya ganung na-enjoy ang perang binibigay samin ng tatay ko dahil sadyang tama lang yun para sa gastusing bahay.

Kaya heto ako ngayon, naghahabol ng papaubos na panahon.

Sa pagbalik ko nung isang gabi sa department store na yun, puno ng alaala ang bawat counter na puntahan ko. Nandung pilit ko hanapin yung eksaktong lugar kung saan gumawa ako ng stand para lang bilhin ni mama yung gusto kong laruan. Bilang tanda ng aking pagbalik, bumili ako ng isang mumurahing memento na maari kong ibigay kay mama pag-uwi, malaman lang niya na binalikan ko ang lugar na pinupuntahan namin kapag "dinadate" niya ako nung bata pa ako.

Sa cashier, napansin ko na meron silang mga laruang matchbox malapit sa kahera. Sa gitna ng mga pangiti-ngiti sa hangin, na pinatataka ni phanks, at sa pagnanamnam sa mga alaalang pawala na, pinagmasdan ko ang isa sa mga kotseng nakadisplay dun. Pinili ang isa, na katulad ng kotse-kotsehang minsang naiwala ko noon sabay ang pagbabayad sa kahera na animo'y takang taka sa mga ka-weirdohan ko.

At narealize ko sa plastic bag na inabot sakin na ang tindahang iyon ay walang iba kundi ang Manila COD Department Store. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, eto ang pinakasikat na mallnoong panahon ng martial law. Sayang nga lang, nagsara na rin ang branch nila sa Cubao ngayon. Tunay ngang naiwanan na sila ng panahon.

Umuwi akong masaya at nostalgic. Dati rati, ang mga ganung paggastos ay nakareserba lamang sa panahon ng tag-ani, pero ngayon, kahit anong oras, kaya kong bumili ng bagay na isinakripisyo ko noon. Ang bilis ng panahon, at kaunti na lang ang oras.

Gusto ko sana maramdaman ni Mama paano maging Dona at tunay na mapera sa buhay naming ito.

Proximus Back Online

I can't remember when was the last time I posted an entry in my blog. Probably I caught up with James' syndrome after his blog lost its prime purpose. Perhaps, I was busy with my life that I forgot how to reminisce on the things that happened in my day. Yes, there are a lot of things happened... But I'm afraid I forgot the highlights of it. Maybe I should at least view my blog for a while before posting this entry. Maybe I could collect atlest some of the tidbits that happened so that I can share it to you.

Ah.... Now I remember.

After we had a drinking spree in papu's house, Meng meng and I decided to call it quits and went home. Sunday was mother's day, and as a treat to the department heads of the company which, I consider the "moms" of their own respective department, I gave them a bouquet of flowers which I bought at Dangwa. Flowers there are so affordable, that I could even buy some just to put in vases at home. Wala lang, I have a close affinity with flowers lately... maybe it's my PLU-ness which is working here... but what the heck, I love flowers and for a time, I was passionate about gardening and stuffs.

We celebrated mother's day at my grandmom's place. It was a family gathering and I had a chance to chat with my closest cousin about her life and the life of other people around us. I don't know what hit me, but our conversation revolved around my lesbian cousin. Throughout the conversation, she wasn't even curious how I got the facts straight. Then out of nowhere, I told her my current sexual orientation. She was in for a shock that afternoon, as I related how this "culture" works and how to spot one... or at least is veering to become one. She's my third relative and my only first-blood cousin who knows me. Ok lang naman sakin since I don't have to hide anything. I'm in a fairly harmonious relationship and she has always been my confidant throughout the years. Our chitchat was interrupted because her family would also visit their inlaws that afternoon. Perhaps in another time, or another date. We could about these things again, as I told her my concerns about my other cousin, whom I think is like me... there were many confirmations, but I would prefer to use a blind eye on him. My radar obviously spots him... but as the saying goes.

Tama na ang isa sa pamilya.

---

Monday was election time, and I slept all throughout the voting period. I woke up minutes before closing and since I am not a registered voter, I decided to drop by the office and resume my daily routine.

Honestly, no matter how I deny it, I'm extremely against GMA and Noli De Castro. Perhaps, its because I am affected by the publication's decision to support KNP instead of K4. Secretly, I am smiling when Loren's ahead of De Castro in the polls. In fact, I would rather accept a pseudo-civil war scenario where the President and Vice-President would be contested to the point of Incumbent Vice-President Tito Guingona and Supreme Court Justice Hilario Davide taking over the government as the country braces itself again for a re-election.

Things are rather unstable at the moment, and when you ask me, I would rather feel relieved if Gloria would win the presidency... yet, I will not accept it if ever De Castro takes the position of being the Vice President.

Not now, not ever.

---

At least, I have covered the two days I've been absent in blogging. I'll try to share the things that happened to me yesterday.

---

Today's a very unproductive day. I've been in front of the PC since I woke up this afternoon. I played Civilization 3 all throughout this days existence. This is what I do if I'm tightening my pocket.

I don't leave my room to save money.

Closure

I had a heart to heart talk with the guy on the hotseat two nights ago.

I might say that I was brutally frank with what I feel and how I am concerned with what reputation he created among the group this past few weeks.

I must admit that I was quite harsh, when posting my thoughts at YG directed to him. But that's how I feel. I am quite heartless to people who destroyed their favorable impressions to me. After all, it's the impressions that count. Once you destroy it and your foundations in an organization wasn't that strong, expect that they would simply gang up on you till you are booted out of the group.

But that isn't our way. Somewhere along the issue, we know how to face it squarely and directly.

And that's what we did. Being the representative of the group. We aired our grievances, our concerns, and those we see as something contrary to the ideals of the group. At first, I was a little bit worried as to how I would deliver my words. But Meng-meng advised me to talk with compassion.

And a compassionate conversation I did while I was talking to him.

---

Tonight, we closed again another issue that left us hanging for some months already. Thanks to Joey for opening the conversation, we were able to speak our sides and how we felt after it happened. Omeng was more brutal this time, but the ex-hotseat was open minded enough to accept our blows.

As you see, Omeng and I have done more nasty deeds compared to you guys, but we never showed those sides to them that why we have the right to react this way.

But suffice to say, the talk went well. I hope they have understood by heart our concerns and grievances. I hope they would become more aware next time of the consequences of their actions before they even do it. All is well for us. The sapa gurls would have less chismax to talk in the following weeks, but at least. After saying all the things we wanted to say even from the beginning.

Peace will now reign in our hearts.

---

It was cloudy when Pao and I arrived in Cubao yesterday morning. Desiring to continue our conversation, I decided to accompany him to the last station he'll be dropping going home.

I've learned that all these time, he's still having some hang-ups with his ex. That he can still cry for him and he's still wishing for a sequel to their relationship.

But everything is too late now...

Cloudy mornings bring back memories of my childhood. Of the days my yaya would accompany me to school, only to learn that classes has been suspended. Rain makes me nostalgic. There's this unexplainable feeling of happiness when you see the blue-grey clouds parting, the easterly wind blowing on your face, and the cool crisp air embracing your body.

The verdant greens remind you of the drizzle that happened the night before, as people slowly pours on the street as they begin their day, while you are just about to close it.

I am a nocturnal person, and such beauty is luxury to me.

My tyrst with early morning scenes remain despite the changes of priorities that's happening to my life. Chicane's Ordinary Morning reminds me that though rush-hours mornings are just ordinary for many people,

It will always have a special place in my heart...

Indeed, true love is hard to die.

---

PLU Tips #7: I retract my previous statement. Masakit maging bot!

For The Love of God, Don't Look Back

My sideline was a success. In three days alone, I sold 8 copies of that BED Compliation, every clubber PLU must have.

My sideline also allowed me to meet new people - new PExers from the LCM subforum who are new in PEx. Most of them are not aware of OUTsiders' existence and I think they should continue creating their own circle apart from us.

After all, we cannot accomodate too many already.

--

This morning, after having my midnight rounds in the publishing's production operations, I decided to head to BED to spend another night clubbing. For the nth time, I was alone and by this time the threat of being alone and get tempted has already reached critical levels.

The crowd is getting wilder and more daring as the club itself gets dimmer and dimmer every month. While dancing at the platform, a guy behind me was bumping his front area at my back. At first, I thought he was just dancing along, not knowing that he hits me every time he grinds himself at the beat. However, as the bump gets even harder, I've realized that he's already deliberately bumping his crotch area to my back hoping I would take notice and respond the way he desires.

Of course, such attempt would not go unoted. In normal situations like when there are odders around I could have easily ditch off the guy then proudly related afterwards how I abandoned a whammy guy like I did last time. But tonight it was different. I was taken by the music's beat and his contstant bumping made me push him back even more.

Pressure between our hips were building up due to those deliberate bumping... and the sensation gradually became pleasurable as he tries to align ourselves together. It's been years since I felt that feeling, the soothing felling when someone bumps his crotch area behind you.

And for all my humanity I felt great. I've been missing such feeling and tonight, It got hold of myself.

When Kina's "Girl in the Gutter" remix was played, the beat became slower, producing a kind of gyrating moves that forces one's body to his partner. The grind was really taking off this time, and the beat did take over my dance moves. We were dancing in very close proximity, and somehow, the thought of Phanks was lost for a split moment.

I know, I'm already playing with fire by this time, and the thing is... I was very close to loosing control of myself - I can even feel his warm breath closely near my neck and was think of responding positively. The only thing that keeps me intact was my constant reminder not to look back, not to face him and never hold any part of his body for that was all he've been waiting for as a sign of my approval. We we're dancing but I never faced him. I knew how he looks but I never let the guy catch me looking at him.

At this point, I was between trying to regain control and total surrender. I was trying to find explanation or moral justification for my actions, but there was no emotional feelings involved. Just pure pleasure and that's it. Now I understand how someone can have sex with another person yet claim that it was just sex. Then the thought of Papu came to my mind.

In a split second, I've managed to send a message asking for "advice." But honestly, it was a distress call just to remind myself that someone is watching - that there are those who still believes I can do more than just allow an error to happen.

And that message completely stopped me from doing a big mistake. The thought of papu - his words and examples stopped me from my tracks. Immediately, I broke off our dance routine then moved towards a safer location where he could not follow me.

Papu texted me afterwards asking what advice I needed. But I just told him that I'm already ok. That he saved me from a near miss. He is my last card for tonight against temptation and I never expected it would hit me in the head before the card actually reveals his answers. Afterwards, I danced alone as I usually do in Bed while waiting for the buyer to get his CD.

I saw the guy still dancing on top of the platform, dancing as if we never had near misses. I asked myself afterwards why did allow myself to pair up with him? He wasn't that attractive... yet he almost got hold on me.

Perhaps, more than anything else. This is one example of how I remain vulnerable, despite the rigidness I apply towards my relationship. I don't know if that can be considered some form of cheating or irresponsibilty, but suffice to say. I never surrendered my battle even at the last minute. Still there's no moral justification if ever I faced him while we were dancing and allowed him to do what he wants as long as we were dance partners.

Phanks never danced with me that way... he avoided dancing intimately with me in such places. Backing off everytime I attempted to dance with him. I accepted his explanations, but still I wasn't contented. Perhaps I've been missing those moments all this time and he fails to give me what I'm really dying to feel...

But he never did.

And in all my clubbing, I fought very hard not to fall even though that means, I have to dance alone the whole night. My nightout was illegal and to lessen the gravity of my actions, at least, I should be responsible with what I'll be enjoying.

I am vulnerable and tonight was one of my nearest miss...

but thankfully I survived.


For the love of Phanks I never looked back.

---

PLU Tips #6: Monogamy is just an idea. a belief you can fight for all throughout your existence or you can just ditch it off, after all, such idea is bound to be broken. But somehow, relationship exists because of an idea, a belief on something bigger than the persons in the relationship. If monogamy is your battlecry, then by all means, fight for it together.

Sideline

I'm happy that my clients were quite satisfied with my CD. In fact, they even texted me back just to inform me where did I find the tracks. Well, I told them that I've been researching the songs myself. It's quite difficult to find those, but if your ears is dying to hear the songs you danced at Bed some weeks ago, you'll really search the song at Kazaa until you find the correct remix.

Anyway I'll be selling more of those stuffs. I've realized how big my market is. And the good thing is that I have no competitor at all.

I think this is what I've learned from the Cashflow 101 boardgame I've attended last week. Hopefully I'll be raking in more profits in no time.

Can You Keep This As A Secret

A long long time ago, when Alien Nation wasn't concieved yet, there was a thread in PEx that promotes camaraderie among bisexuals in the group. Yeah, that was a long time ago, and I was young then. Before, I find RC snubbish, in fact, he belonged to the other faction who fights for dominance in the thread, I belong to the other faction - those aligned with the SNAGG and Lesbian people who declared Malate as their home.

During my first eyeball with them, I got attracted with one of the guys - Archerblaze. I don't know what thing got me attracted to him, but that night, I was so close to him, he was the only one I've been talking to. While we were having a conversation on a dark corner of La Dida's hip bar, eyes were looking at me, I wasn't aware that there are several other guys in the group who digs the person I was talking to and they were quite mad with what I've achieved that night.

I didn't stay long during my first-ever eyeball with PLUs. That was the most stressful days of my academic life - I was juggling thesis, finals, girlfriend, barkada, and an upcoming college election the following week and that eyeball was my only break from the pressure.

To make the story short. Archerblaze burned me. I kept on texting him days after, while others were still trying to attract his attention. The texting ended on an eventful meet-up two days after in La Salle. It was a Sunday afternoon and he invited me to hang out in his place.

Since I was still untrained yet, I am not aware that accepting such invitation is something, I never realized that such acceptance would almost ended up loosing my virginity... We were alone in his room, and since I was a greenhorn he asked me if he could kiss me just for the experience... trembling, I said yes, I want to try. We kissed torridly. It was my first kiss, I felt very very horny... but I don't know what to do. If it happened today, maybe I already grabbed his crotch outright and made him moan like he never did before.

But it was my twilight and all I can think of is how to hide my anxiety.

Eventually, the attraction turned to infatuation. No one ever knew among the Unions, or Snaggs or G2G that something almost happened between us. If Icedragon knew it that week, he would be mightily furious. He would curse me in the threads and probably, I'll get booted out before I even started joining them in their gimmicks.

Fortunately, during that time, everyone barely knew one another. It was the first major geb of the whole group of non-straights in PEx. Perhaps, I knew even at an early time how to get a guy's attention without letting everyone know. It was my little secret and it endured till my first ever PLU relationship.

---

Several weeks after, Icedragon introduced Lindewelrainrix to us. By this time, I have already settled my grudges with Ice, since our initial meet-ups always ended in hostility. Lindewel/Julius was just 18 years old then, and I felt that he wasn't comfortable being with Icedragon, who was way way ahead of us in terms of experience.

Through text messaging, Julius and I got close. He became my little brother (and my secret flirt interest) aside from Roy (bulaklak). We became movie buddies, sentihan buddies - he even dated me in McDonalds in exchange for that afternoon conversation in CCP Breakwater. During those times, Icedragon was madly in love with Julius. He told us, how he would take care of him, how he would court him etc. etc. Of course, Julius told me everything, he told me how Ice would try to take advantage of him during our first meet up (since he slept over to his place that night). So I told him that the next time he would join the friday gimmick, maybe he should tell Ice that he (julius) would sleep over to my place instead of his.

Around two weeks after we first met, Lindewelrainrix agreed to my proposal. He was the first PLU to sleep over my room.

And it happened. Roy, Julius and the rest of the Union guys had a party the following friday. Julius insisted that he wanted to stay over my place instead of Icedragon's, which created a gap between us (Ice). But what can I do, the kid entrusted himself to me. I don't want this guy avoiding us the next time because of a single person who'd like to take advantage of him.

As the story goes, he went over my place. Had some pillow talk - knew a lot about him (which during those times were really hard to extract from a newbie) and slept. Nothing happened because it wasn't my intention at all. Besides, the main reason why he slept over my place even though he barely knew me was because he feels more assured in my company than with everyone else. Because I was the first one who showed him friendship and brotherhood, unlike everyone whom he cannot relate to that much.

After that first sleep over, everytime he would join our nightout Julius always slept over in my place. Eventually, the flirty interest looses steam and we became brothers until he decided to stop every PLU activity he had.

---

There were a lot of things happened after the Union days. Karirs came but I always ended up falling for Roy. Yet, during those pa-tweetums phase, our relationship revolved around friendship and brotherhood - beyond lust and buddies. It was our friendship that mattered. I was madly in love but I never told him straight. I met new people, some of them slept over here. but nothing happened, I put frienship in my intentions above all else.

Perhaps, my first close encounter with a PLU taught me to make my intentions clear... so that such stupidity would never happen again. That's why when my wild days came, I knew what I want and then leave when I got what I need.

Friendship and sex will never mix, unless you dream to end up as lovers... but if not, everything would be pointless - because intimacies cannot exist in this kind of friendship - only respect and admiration, which I show to those I call my brODDERs.

---

So don't be surprised if I show some disgust to those I percieved as elements who see this group as fishing ground, because the truth is we're not. I had my share of mistakes and records when it comes to being a slut but I never directed it to friends - not even to the only ODDER who I gave a demonstration on how to give a head to a stranger in MP before.

My friendship with these guys are sanctified, despite the misunderstandings we harbor sometimes.

Genuine friendships bloom when you know how to treat a friend as pure and untainted.

---

PLU Tips #5: Never go to Sogo, Wise or other motels who would ask you to proceed to the waiting area first before being entertained by the desk officer. Every sane PLU wouldn't like to be mix with other partners (read: hetero) who are also checking-in the motel.

Looking For A Place To Hide

I don't know if it's bad management, or I'm just too picky about it, but I feel that whenever they don't feel my presence in their work, they seemed to perform a little bit careless and apathetic about the company.

Last night, even while on high fever, I pushed through with my inspection at the printing press, you know, those operators wouldn't work double time if they don't see the owners looking at their every move. I was just there observing what they're doing, but obviously, they worked a little bit faster setting up the printing machine since I was there as their vile guest.

Vile... I think, I'm too good and too tolerant as an MSE. In fact, how I wished I could acquire Meng-mengs talent for flare ups just to scare the demons out of them, but no, I think they have already categorized me as one of those "emphatic bosses" they see in some other company.

You see, one thing I've learned about business is that a lot of the second-generation owners (like me) are more timid yet more innovative than their predecessors. Phanks told me yesterday that their boss would take a vacation in the US, and those who would take over are the "kids" who are more approchable and friendly than their true bosses. That's just one example of the difference between the two.

The idea of working on a call center this time, still lingers on my mind. I've read the newspaper yesterday and it said that Epixstar's on an ambitious recruitment program, enticing skilled workers in exchange for amenities never seen on other call center offices. Wala lang, working in a call center has become a hype these days and honestly, I don't want to miss the fun...

How I wish I could enroll phanks in an english pronounciation course so that he can have a fighting chance on interview, perhaps I could ask him to live up my fancy, since it would be very impossible to get out of the family business, now that I'm starting to sink in with the responsibilities.

In just a few years, if everything works out fine, I might be the one manning the entire operations already, as dad had pursued his more urgent dreams after this. The spotlight would be turned to me, thus limiting my every move.

When I attended the cashflow 101 boardgame last Sunday, it's not really my goal to learn how those fucking money works... (Of course, that's one of the main objectives too, I'm just joking) ... It was my dream to meet young businessmen who, could help me understand the phase I'm in. I want to know how everything works, what direction to take in every problem... how to act as the boss and not just a plain worker.

I'm having a very hard time adjusting to everything - and one thing I've been dying to look for is a place to hide.

---

I've advertised my BED Compilation on PEx. In less than two days, I've already four orders on my list.

Those who want to avail my CD (except yung binigyan ko last time since di pa talaga updated ang complilation ko) can get it at P50 bucks per copy, or you can trade it with a blue porn. Yun lang.

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PLU Tips #4 Never ask a friend to sleepover to your house, especially when you're true intentions is to shag him, not provide a secure place for the person. Trust me, many PLUs hate people who fucks with friends, it's one abomination not everyone can swallow just like that.

If you're really in for a shag, it's much much EASIER, to cruise and then hook up with someone then bring the person home. In the eyes of everyone, it's more acceptable.

Dear Heavenly Fairie

I'm still nursing my superdooperhyperacidic tummy. I've been suffering from this sickness since Saturday. In fact, I'm still having a hard time encouraging my appetite. I always feel bloated, and my shit looks like it came from a chicken, not human.

The Cashflow Boardgame was awesome. It's like playing a millionaires game, except that you have to think this time because there are a lot of opportunities that can free you from what they call the "rat race" but when you're not paying too much attention, you would miss such sweet opportunities. In fact, the most stupid among the players in our table struck a goldmine after he bought thousands of stocks from one company at $1 each. Then the next time an opportunity card appeared, the same stock already costs $40 each. So he sold every stock he had and viola! he's the first millionnaire among us.

The game was quite draining, especially for me who attended the seminar even though I have not recovered yet. When evening came, I asked the driver to fetch me at the office because I had a high fever and very weak to even walk several meters towards the main road.

Dear Heavenly Fairie, I'm already suffering from this affliction. I wanted to exert all my energies, but I'm afraid that even my resistance can't even cover me. My fever just comes and goes, abruptly ceasing most of my actions - I can't perform most of my duties effectively, and bed rest is not my option at the moment.

Meng meng told me that I seemed so stressed out lately. I don't know, I think I have to live this way as long as I'm here, steering the secondary rudders of the company.

I feel so old, I'm already mass-producing uban hair ever since I gave my full time to the company.

---

How sad it is to realize that in our lives, people come and go. There are those who would stay for a moment, that would really become part of our daily existence. They would become an extension of our system, treat them as if our organs are connected to theirs - they became our confidants, partners in crime, even secret love interests... but despite such very close bonds, time will come when they would part ways and move into another direction for one reason or another.

Masakit kasi isang shot lang yun sa buhay natin, whatever we do, or whatever we made them feel would not matter sooner or later. Naalala ko tuloy yung kanta ng Eraserheads na "Minsan." May isa akong ka-tropa sa highschool na laging nalulungkot kapag naririnig yung kantang yun. In fact, he even told me, teary-eyed then that whenever I hear that song, he would appreciate it if I would find some space to even remember him, saan man kami naroon. It was 6 years ago, now kahit sa friendster hindi kami connected...

Speaking of friendster, meron akong mga friends dun na minsan eh tinuring kong higit pa sa utol ko. We shared secrets, we sleep together in one bed (of course, walang popoy) we talked about hetero prospects and the most exciting thing is, you will discover how vulnerable and sentimental they are when they are drunk. Merong isang part ng gabi, between midnight and dawn kung saan kahit anong itanong mo sa kanila eh sasabihin nila sayo. You can extract their emotions in just one tunggaan. We call that "senti nights". Senti nights made me realize that every man has a soft spot for emotions, and you can see its manifestations there and then. The next morning, he forgets everything. In fact, some would even ask you to forget everything they said.

Nakakalungkot, na tapos na ang time namin, na hanggang friendster na lang kami, na hanggang tanguan na lang kapag nagkikita. That's why I try to treasure friends who have been with me the longest time possible...

because I know, longest time could be just a moment.

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O sha Dear Heavenly Fairie. I will sleep na. Please take care of my phanks somewhere up north. Mahal na mahal ko yun kahit na minsan eh lumalabas rin ang ka-praningan. Ganun yata talaga ang buhay, kung sino ang pinaka-emotional blanket mo, siya rin ang lagi mong pinapakitaan ng tempers at katopakan mo. I think it happens all the time, after all, you bare yourself to someone who you expects to know you by heart.

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PLU Tips #3: This is a classic: Minsan ka lang aaray sa pagiging bot.

Usog

I warned Janssen not to make any comments, but he didn't listen. Tuloy, for 2 days now, I'm suffering from diarrhea, fever and sever weakness. My tummy's aching and I can't even turn on my appetite. Waaaaaaah, ang hirap hirap nito and I have so many things to do today. Rest is not an option, in fact, I have to attend a Cashflow 101 Boardgame - Seminar this afternoon at AIM. I can't miss the opportunity since I paid P750 bucks for my ticket. Badtrip.

/me nursing my bloated and painful tummy.

At least, I am quite relieved that Meng meng decided to adopt Pao for the night. Don't worry Pao, we're more concerned when we see you heavily drunk than annoyed. After all, you're quite behave when alcohol has taken you over. Ok lang na buhatin ka namin everytime na may tama ka. Di ka naman makulit, maangas at manyak katulad ng iba...

RC would really love to hear the stories that happened last saturday. Rock on Sapa Gurls!!!

/me still cursing my weird tummy

It seems like Koppy and kapatid's been silent all this time. I've been waiting for their stories to be posted. hehehe. Makitsismis daw ba. Anyway, I hope that they're having a blast! I can somehow relate to this time as their honeymoon period. Such thoughts makes me miss my phanks even more.

/me runs to the bathroom...

I am already dehydrated. I feel so week, and no matter how I try to eat or replenish the nutrients being wasted due to my sickness, I simply loose my appetite. For the last three hours since I woke up, I've been scrambling to find the nearest bathroom in the house. Imagine dropping a 20-kilo spurt of bestiality, with a very atrocious smell even the toilet bowl would puke. Everyone tells me to take a rest today, but I can't simply waste my 750 bucks just like that. Who cares if I scramble at the conference room everytime my ass sound the alarm? As long as I am there, I think nothing else matter.

/me scrambles to the cr again for the nth time.

Any I quit. I just can't take it. So, I have to end my entry now. Benchboy, thank for consoling me last night. I was about to faint in Greenhills while shopping for my very very affordable shoes when the thought of checking you out came to my mind.

And yes LQ, your reputation has already gaining momentum. Honestly, I am deeply worried with what I hear... If you really can't fight the moonlight, if we will forever doubt your intentions. Just tell us, we can readily tug you along at the nearest cruising place near you.

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PLU Tips #2: When playing with a putotoy, avoid concentrating too much on the head area. That part is extremely sensitive, some PLUs find it too discomforting. If you really want to please your partner, the most safe and pleasurable area is right below the head, the upper part of the shaft... or if you want, you can just do deepthroating. I assure you, it will bring your partner to infinite heavens.