Before I Let Go

During the happiest days of our training. I had an effeminate gay co-trainee.

At one of our sharing sessions together with our equally effeminate gay trainer, this gay co-trainee of mine shared his experiences with the guy "who initiated him about everything homosexual."

He said that it first happened when they were still in grade four. It was some kind of experimentation that lost control. As he recounted, it all started with mutual JO, then it evolved into something kinkier.

But they never applied the technology, I was born and used to my advantage.

You know what it is...

---

As he relate his story to us, this gay co-trainee of mine claims that they still do it once in a while. To emphasize his story, he showed the picture of the guy to our trainer. During the subsequent days, I tried to see the picture. But my co-trainee always says that he didn't bring his wallet during our training.

If only I wasn't protecting my reputation in our batch, I would have easily refuted his claims that his boylet is a STRAIGHT. Of course dearies, I have already mastered the tricks of trade... And if I know, that guy might have actually screwed some other guy in their campus as my gay co-trainee related their story.

That's the problem with non PLUs. They are never aware... they will never understand. All they can see is black and white, the color in the middle remains invisible to their bare senses.

---

Out of boredom, I confided my story to one of my closest female co-trainee.

It was during the time when I felt that I was already loosing my PLU touch, that I was already loosing my identity as a non-straight.

Perhaps I was too concerned about the endless pairings our co-trainees to us, that I was prompted to tell the truth. To assure her of my intentions and hopefully to loose those inhibitions she had erected because of the situation.

Trust me, she didn't believed me at first. She thought that I was just making it up.

Only after several assurances did she ever believed in my revelation. Kulang na lang, ikalat niya sa paligid namin na ganun ako.

After that, she started insisting that I share my knowledge to our effeminate co-trainee of ours. I just kept on telling her instead that I worry about my security, about what the straight guys would say if my identity would be exposed.

However, I left her a window of opportunity to tell my story if she ever wanted to. I told her, she can tell our gay co-trainee my secret after I left the company. Hopefully, he would learn from my example, after all, I am the living testament that not all non-straights can be detected by gaydar.

Now that I have departed... if ever Stacey would remember my story. It will only be a matter of time before Marcial knows my secret.

Perhaps he had already found it last night.

Back to Zero

It was a very long time since I accessed my blog. So many things have already happened... So many wrong decisions already done.

After waiting for 1 month for my anticipated final interview at West, they would eventually fail me in that interview. For all I know, I showed my best. I was confident when I answered their questions... I prepared for it - the only interview I did so.

But they didn't passed me.

---

Frustrated and severely disappointed, I lost all my interest in working in EPAC. Outbound Call Center, isn't really for me I guess.

In fact, I would have already cut my work during waps departure for the US, but I just knew I can't do so because there are so many people who would notice my escape. I gave myself a night to improve my performance but...

That night, I didn't even make a single transfer.

---

Although I believe that my overall performance is still good. Unlike some of my co-trainees who were asked by the managers regarding their developments that night. So far, I had the potentials, and it was seen through my capacity to deliver my presentation on the phone. But you know what, at that moment, all I saw was a loosing battle. I may have survived another night, but when I see that a quarter of my co-trainees had already closed accounts, the pressure becomes to much unbearable to manage.

It was my own guilt and embarrassment why I decided not to go to work last night. EPAC is wasting a great deal of money to make my calls, but I never gave them even a single transfer. Better move on and find my new destiny, rather than live a nightmarish life in pressure and guilt.

---

So far, I began my new attempts of finding a new call center today. And for some unexplainable reasons, it seems that its harder to pass an initial interview than when I wasn't this confident when being interviewed by the recruiter.

Actually, I feel like this is a loosing battle. I have already lost count of the call centers I've applied since last month. At least, everything seems fine at home and from what my mom said this morning,

Dad has come to his senses. Before, all I was asking is for him to look for his own empire too, and not to entrust it to someone else, even to his own son. Now that he's all alone, he's force to look and monitor everything that is happening to his business.

---

So far, the storms had subsided for a while. I just hope it would not come again in the near future.

Despite my most tragic termination, I did learn a lot of things from EPAC. Ever since I started my training there, I could use my oral and written communication skill side by side already. Before, my oral skills were always hampered by my inhibitions. After speaking to hundreds of Americans every night, those inhibitions had completely vanished.

Going back to zero is an extremely painful experience. It's like investing a substantial amount of time, effort and money, never to return to your pockets ever again.

On The Third Day

I saw hell.

I never expected the training to be difficult, the different time shift hard to adjust and the floor extremely chaotic. It was like inside a pressure cooker down there, and the whole time, I was thinking... "Ano ba tong pinasok ko?"

When I arrive home at around 7 am, all I can ever do is lie down and sleep. I've never been tired the way I did this week. And it seems like I'm chasing time ever since the training have started.

And I've found new friends too! What they said before was true. it is indeed like in a classroom, everyone is almost the same age as you, there are groups of cool and shy people, there are different kinds of people you'll encounter in the training.

Tonight will be our revalida. It's like a sort of exam as to how you understood everything the trainer explained during the training. Actually, I feel like I'm not yet prepared to take the test. But... I am confident that I've reviewed my notes. All I have to do is refresh my memory later.

---

On the other hand. I think I am already settled at E-Pacific.

When I think about West, I would always be reminded of the difficulties and the challenges I've encountered in the training. I would tell myself that, I don't like to start all over again. That it's better to go with the flow here before moving somewhere else.

Besides, I heard that my supervisor is the least guy who pressures his agents.

I don't know, but I'm really considering my options to remain. To stick to my belief before that I'll pledge my loyalty to the first company who hires me. EPAC was the first one who believed in my capabilities, and so far they still do. I think I'm doing a good work on the training, the way they expect us to be. If only I would pass this revalida, perhaps I could already consider myself employed.

I do hope I pass.

Gradually, I am already gaining bonding feelings for this company.

So far, they were the first oneswho felt the same way for me.

Life

If God would ask me what do I want with my life right now, I would only answer one thing.

I want life to be a little more constant.

I don't know if it was a trick or something... but this morning, while I was preparing to submit my documents at E-Pacific Global, someone from not long ago texted me.

"Proxy, please go to the office this afternoon. Ms. Icel wants to talk to you."

It was from sir Ted. My PR Officer back when I was working in the PR Agency. My initial reaction was Putangina... When I'm already gearing for a new life and career, here they come to take me away.

Actually I was really flattered. Imagine, I can work again side by side with Arrjae the ODDER and the fabulous and friendly people of Infinite Ideas. The truth is, I am open to the idea of returning back to them and have a career in Advertising, however things have changed and there are priorities that needed to be addressed wisely or all, something lacking may again happen.

While subsitituting my mom in her class, I called Bes Dennis to ask for advice about what decision to make. Since he is one of the most well-established among us in the Call Center Industry, I would like to know his insights about what to do with my life.

Obviously, Infinite Ideas would be a good replacement for my job in dad's company. I've been with them for six months previously and I think I wouldn't have to adjust too much for the job. But considering, the pay there isn't that big. I am after all, one of the biggest contributor at home right now so I have to earn more to satisfy my madness in filling my bank account. Besides, it's a day job so I will have a hard time checking dad's business out, if ever I could muster the courage to face that "nightmare" again.

Bes Dennis told me to follow my heart. And if you ask me where my heart is, I think it is still in West, hoping that they would reconsider me when the time comes.

But among others, there is one reason why I did not consider Infinite Ideas' offer:

I treat them as a family.

In my heart, I know that I'm gearing up for a Call Center career, with all its perks and problems. I want to work in a corporate setting, with all the tall buildings and awesome lobbies. Once I reported for office this afternoon, I can never leave again. It was my promise when they asked for my commitment. I am still waiting for West, and other opportunities that lie ahead and if I declare myself I.I.'s employee, I have to withdraw all my prospects in other potential career.

I hope Arrjae did understood my explanation. I love Infinite Ideas but I can't commit myself to them right now. I hope that Arrjae have hinted the word family and delicadeza when I explained everything to him this afternoon.

----

Still, the scenes I saw in Balitang K yesterday continually disturbs me. I see my dad in their position. I think I lost hope with my dad already. The only family I can treat from now on is my mom, my sister, and everyone who lives in our house.

And dad's not part of it. He has a family of his own and I don't want them to be part of my world.

----

Well folks, the battle for Call Centers has begun. Tonight is my first night of training. May God have mercy on my healing but glamorous soul.

Professor Proxi

Since mom has to attend her meetings with this NGO group, she asked me to become her substitute in several of her classes.

Again, I will become a pseudo-prof - giving quizzes to those happy college kids in PUP. I don't really know how mom manages her class, but it seems like her students know a lot about us.

From what I've heard from my former highschool classmates that became my mom's students, My sister and I becomes her ultimate models when giving examples on her discussions. I don't know but the students are always in a shock whenever I introduce myself as their professor's son.

"Ah ikaw pala yun."

One student said a while ago.

"Yup ako nga, bakit nagkwento na naman siya tungkol samin no?"

"Secret sir." Then, they leave a blank smile as they go on with their pre-quiz activities.

One thing I've noticed these days is that I deliver myself more confidently in front of her class than I used to be a year ago. Perhaps, I've finally adjusted to the situation being their substitute prof. But I know, I'll only be good at administering exams or listening to the students giving reports. After all, my mom's subject is not my forte so I cannot discuss the subject with them.

But you know what, whenever I see myself in that situation, I cannot help but remember james or sonny doing the same thing. It's like I've being transported instantly in their shoes and deliver my thing, as they do whenever they are in the class with those bratty high school kids.

And I can't help but see myself in one of the students in front of me. Lam mo yun, the blissful, carefree kids we used to be.

James was right. I miss being in one of those chairs. I miss being a student, and all its perks and freedoms. Lately, I've been dreaming and remembering a lot of my classmates.

I miss being the lousy and political class president I was. I miss Angelo and the boys calling me nasty names and make stupid remarks as I deliver my message in front of the class. I miss being the "teacher's pet" whenever I negotiate my grades that are on the brink of failing. I miss SDP, PGC, AB and all the wacky and glamorous world it has.

Whenever my mom ask me to be her substitute for the day, being there standing in front of her class brings back bittersweet memories of a time when everything was just simple to me.

Yesterday Is Just A Taxi Ride Away

I spent half of the day helping mom solve our financial problems at home.

And since she has a meeting in Conspiracy Bar this afternoon, and our FX wouldn't start because of a drained battery, I volunteered to accompany my moodra on her way there.

The Conspiracy Bar is indeed fabulous. It is an old house renovated to become a bohemian's bar. It has a small entrance leading to a big garden. The patio was set to be the entrance, and the big dining room became the stage. Anyway I am not there during a gig so I can't say a lot about it.

Since the place was near our former apartment, I decided to take a stroll and visit the place after we left a year ago.

---

It was completely different when I got there. First thing one would notice is that they have converted it to a bakery. Yes, James and Sealdi there's a bakery on that part where the steel folding door was located. Ewan ko kung naalala pa ni james yun, pero nirecommend ko sa kanya na ipa-rent yung part na yun ng apartment nung medyo nagkakaroon kami ng budget deficit nun.

Since it was raining, had the chance to talk to its new owners. I discovered that after us, a family rented the place, but left it too in less than a year. I also found out that our neighbors to the right had already left.

Sad to say, the place wasn't as glamorous as it used to be when it was a yuppies conclave. Still, the memories were there as I survey the place. If the Outsiders we're already in place during our time, perhaps the Paragon Contingents would never compare to what the happenings would be if we're still in that place.

Time and again, I regret that I haven't taken the opportunity to enjoy my stay when we're still there. Perhaps, I simply took my place to have a territory outside my room. Perhaps, I was there to feel how to live with yuppies like me but decided to limit my immerssion as to preserve my initial impression of them.

Wala lang. Oh memories! nakakamiss yung mga time na yun. Going there made me realize that it was the best time of my life, despite the big troubles and problems our family business had suffered. Honestly, I thought that my room was cursed and haunted, that's why I avoided sleeping there. Besides, I can't adjust to the fact that my roomates sleep quite early that I usually do.

But who says we can bring back the past and relive it again. Our time is over, and all we have right now is just brief periods of bondings to relive the days when I used to meet them several days a week.

I don't know if I'll get that chance again in the near future. But thanks to the opportunity anyway. It was well worth it, well worth to be retold over and over again in one's lifetime.

---

After a whirlwind and nerve wrecking interview I had last night at E-Pacific Global...

I'm in.

The training will start in several weeks and I, will have a new career to work for.

Just Like When You Fall In Love

Dear Diary,

Last week, I went to this place to send my resume and you know what, I immediately felt a sense of connection between me and the company. I took the exam while nursing an aching stomach. Imagine how uncomfortable it was! The place was chilly, quiet and people talk in accented english and the thoughts of farting... or magtae inside the lounge area is too much horrible to think.

Anyway, since the place is so appealing, I looked around whenever a sudden surge of discomfort knocks my tummy. They have this top-of-the-line supercomputers, those I see in Ambergris and Convergys, and their lounge area is sooo roomy unlike in most contact centers I applied before. It was a comforting yet alienating experience, but the truth is, it feels so corporate being there. At the end, I have to ask the proctor if I could go to the CR before I start the exam. She allowed me to leave fortunately, but looking for a CR is another thing.

Since their comfort rooms has a special kind of lock, I was worried that someone might barge in while I was making a "call of nature." So to assure myself of complete privacy, I checked out the CRs in the floor below. The guard on duty allowed me to use the floor, and the rest was history.

I passed the exam, fortunately and was endorsed to an initial interview a week later. Imagine my ingrateousness after I made a nasty mess in one of their toilet bowls. I was joking afterwards that I just went there "para tumae at magpasa ng resume" and nothing more.

---

The initial interview happened this morning. While waiting for my time to be interviewed, I met this weird but funky girl who sees ghosts and other earthly entities. We chatted while waiting to be called by the interviewer, since I am a clairvoiyant myself. Other interviewees were looking at us as she related her creepy bouts with demons.

As we talked about ghosts and wandering spirits, I can't help but remember my Daria-like classmate back in college. Wala lang, the creepy but funky girl reminded me of Hazel, my classmate and I never forgot to complement her that. I kept on smiling as she chatted with me - talk about nostalgia. I hope i could meet that classmate of mine soon and tell her that she's not "unique" in this planet.

---

Around 15 minutes after I arrived, a guy from the HR approached and called my name. It seems like he is the one who would interview me, and based on the accounts of other applicants who were previously interviewed, he was an absolute terror.

The interview began. He focused more on my academic background and previous work experience. He asked me questions such as "since you do have family business, why do you need to find work here?" and "why did you leave the advertising agency?"

Of course, his questions were quite challenging to answer. But when he asked me "what do I think about the company?" or "What do I know about the company?" researching before the interview helps big time.

However when the interviewer ask you about your plans and career vision, that's where the problem starts. My previous entries would tell that I'm in limbo right now.

In all honesty, that interview was one of the most challenging I've ever had aside from Ambergris Solutions. They asked me many questions, perhaps out of interest on my background, or because they would like to reject me outright. In my heart, I know I flunked the interview. I wasn't satisfied with my answers... but this time, I have some basic idea about the company. I researched about it just before I went home last night.

After the interviewer was done, he asked me afterwards if I have some questions. Perhaps, this was the turning point of my interview. Initially, I was hesitant to respond to his inquiries. At some point, I started having a conversation with him about the company's beginnings.

It seems like they have just started operations here in the country last February. From there on, I knew what topics I would open to catch his interest. Along the way, I gathered all my guts to explain my lousy answers during the interview proper. I told him why I think that I'm just beginning in my career, why I was interested in working with them and why I am fit for the job of being a CSR.

At some point, I bursed out these words: "I want to grow with you and hopefully you would give me a chance to prove my worth."

I don't know if I hit the point but outrightly he endorsed me for a final interview. Despite my scheduled final interview in another call center tonight, I already know where my heart is. I know where I would love to work and serve and I know where I'll find my contentment.

I just don't know if fate... or the universe itself would conspire to grant me this fervent desire to work with them.

---

The interview was scheduled roughly two weeks from now. If I would be endorsed by the other call center for a one-week training without pay, perhaps by that time I would be interviewed at West, I would have completed my training in the other call center. Perhaps if West would take me for training, I am already two weeks into my work in that Outbound Call Center in Ortigas.

Sad to say, I don't know where to stand... or what stand I would take. I wish I can make that sacrifice of waiting for West. But E-Pacific Global knows too well how to make their potential agents work for them.

Nevertheless I am already in love with West, and right now my thoughts are with them. I just hope they, in turn...

would eventually feel the same.

Disillusionment

Our phone line has been cut.

Thats why Phankspace been silent this past few days.

Well, the days had gone by silent, and mostly unnoticed. The depression bout is over, that's why I was able to handle other problems more effectively today than it was several weeks ago.

Good thing, dad sent my sister some money to cover her allowance. All it took was a blunt response from my her to wake up my dad of what he's been doing to us.

Actually, there were some resentments I wanted to voiced out during my blog's silence. But when things became ok... I tend to forget that moment and go on with my life.

That's why I miss my wireless journal. I could post a whole blog there through multitudes of SMS messages.

Anyway...

It's my third week of jobhunting today. I was already fully booked since Friday so there's no need for me to apply to another company. I spent my day taking exams and presenting myself to interviews. Ortigas witnessed how I jumped from building to building, juggling time so that I could attend to whatever agenda I have for those companies.

---

Minsan nakakapagod na rin mag-apply sa mga call centers. Imagine, sa haba ng listahan ng napuntahan kong mga companies na ganito, kaya ko na sumulat ng analysis tungkol sa sistema at approach nila sa bumabahang mga aplikante na sumasadya sa mga lounge area nila.

Nakakasawa na rin na lagi kang umaasa na may tatanggap sayo, pero sa totoo, ni final interview di ka nila paratingin.

Sa mga paglipat lipat ko ng aaplayan, marami na akong nakilala. Solb na rin ako sa mga kwentong buhay ng mga nakakasabay ko. Masaya kung tutuusin na marami kang nakikilala, malungkot na ang pagkakaibigan niyo ng bago mo lang kilala eh pang-isang araw lang.

Ngayon, nakaka-walo na akong contact centers na na-aaplyan. Kung tutuusin, lahat ng mga big time eh nasubukan ko na, kahit yung iniintay kong Sykes eh na-boot out na ako.

I only have two cards left. And that two cards is my only lifeline for salvation.

---

Feeling ko, yung rebolusyon na dineklara ko noon para makamit ulit ang aking kalayaan eh malapit na ang katapusan. Parang masakit isipin na sa hinaba haba ng pinagdaanan, mukhang mauuwi rin ako sa poder ng aming kumpanya. Ang hirap bumalik, dala na ako ma-involve. Gusto ko namang subukan na ako lang...

Pero mukhang mismong ako eh takot rin maging mag-isa.

---

Bukas ang huling harabas ng natitira kong mga baraha. Magsisimula ito sa isang initial interview sa WEST at makaraan ang 12 oras, haharap naman ako sa final interview ko sa E-Pacific Global.

Pagkatapos nito, wala na akong pupuntahan. Gustuhin ko man maghanap pa pero parang dala na ako. Di biro ang magbilang ng pinag-aaplyang call center sa totoo lang. Wala rin namang opportunity sa mga non-call center na kumpanya.

Di biro ang maghanap ng trabaho. At mas hindi biro ang mag-adapt sa mga pagbabagong dala ng pagtanggap ng kumpanyang kukupkop sayo.

Nakaka-uyam... wala na akong babalikan.

Solace In A Time of Drought

It's like having a peaceful and carefree vacation.

Tucked away in the comforts of my own room, I spent the last two days playing sims in my PC and watching some of my favorite cartoons at Nickoledeon.

For the past several days, my boughts against depression and resentment for my dad had briefly subsided. It's like the things that are happening to us have finally sinked in.

The pain and the helplessness of being abandoned suddenly lost its shimmer. Perhaps, we're meant to be this way. Only the three of us are helping each other pull the household up.

At least, the occassional rivalry between me and my sis had taken a back seat. I think mom was successful on her pleas for us to work together, to create a harmonious environment at home that will stand even the greatest disasters. So far it works, despite my sister's apparent hypochondria, to my mom's concerning heart problems, to the countless mouths to feed at home aside from my family. Everything seems quite at peace. I just hope... and wish that this unusual calmness would stay for a while. I love the solace it brings despite the heavy pressures we have to face as the days roll by.

Lately, I find myself deeply attached to the characters I played in the Sims. It's like we're on the same shit, except that these beautiful simulated people are young, energetic and extremely beautiful. I wish changing careers and finding jobs would be that easy, as it is in the PC game. Thank God, this game brings sense to my empty being.

Late at night, before the clock strucks midnight, I stare at an empty space, looking at something that is isn't at point blank. Somehow, I would allow a moment of time to think what will happen the next day. In that blank space, I wish that someone would call me the following day, asking me for a final interview, a training, or a new opportunity. Days roll by, and all I would like to think about is that somewhere, a company is interested to adopt me.

Phanks dropped by this evening. I have to admit, he just came here for another shag. Ganun talaga ang walang keso eh, no motmots at the moment. We should contend ourselves doing it here...

Lately, I'm getting a grasp of how TOPs think. Ganun pala yun, kapag nakikita mo yung... parang atat na atat ka ipasok. Parang nararamdaman mo na kung gaano kainit... at kasikip yung glorybox na yun. Ampota, dati rati, reklamo ako ng reklamo na ano ba ang nakukuha na pleasure ng mga top sa popoy, ngayon heto ako nagpapantasya na makapag-top ulit ke...

---

Pasensya na, hindi ako nakasipot sa Gilligans. My blog speaks for myself, konting belt tightening muna para sa akin. Masakit mang isipin pero ganito talaga eh. I'm banking on hope these days. It was hope who made me live as if everything remains normal.

Based on my mad and insane assumptions, we would only have less than a month before we completely loose all our reserved savings. I hope that in one month, some good institution would take me into their pack.

---

Anyone care to converse with me about Spongebob Squarepants, As Told By Ginger, Invader Zim, Rocko's Modern Life, Hey Arnold, Real Monster, Deep Space Nine and Star Trek Enterprise with me? Honestly, they are my saving grace this past few weeks. These TV programs creates a basic routing of life for me. Ang galeeng.

---

Dati rati, naikwento sa akin ni Francis Bocceli yung buhay niya as THE breadwinner. Somehow, I can understand everything now. Konti pa, dadaanan ko na yung mga pinagdaanan niya.

Esem

Yano

Patingin-tingin, di naman makabili
Patingin-tingin, di makapanood ng sine
Walang ibang pera kundi pamasahe
Nakayanan ko lang pambili ng dalawang yosi.

Paamoy-amoy, di naman makakain
Busog na sa tubig, gutom ay lilipas din
Patuloy ang laboy, walang iisipin
Kailangang magsaya, kailangang magpahangin.

CHORUS:
Nakakainip ang ganitong buhay
Nakakainis ang ganitong buhay
Nakakainip ang ganitong buhay
Nakakainis ang ganitong buhay

Repeat Chorus

Gumagabi na, ako'y uuwi na
Tapos na ang saya, balik sa problema
At bukas ng umaga, uulitin ko pa ba
Ang kahibangang ito, sa tingin ko hindi na.

Repeat Chorus

Nakakabaliw ang ganitong buhay
Di nakakaaliw ang ganitong buhay.
(Repeat 2x)

---

I was in Makati yesterday afternoon to send my resume to different companies. After sending those papers, I went to Glorietta to buy my mom's medicine. Since the compounding process would take 30 minutes, I decided to buy a cigarette near the Ayala MRT Station. Then I've realized that before, 50 bucks is nothing compared to what I can withdraw in my ATM Account, yesterday, 50 bucks was my only lifeline in Makati. Then this song just came to my mind...

The More Reason To Be Proud

I spent the last two days partying.

I know, it was an impractical decision especially now that I'm counting the weeks before we totally go bankrupt in running the household. But I've realized that this is Rommel's last party in Manila for a long long time, and I wanted to party with the guys because such gatherings may rarely happen again.

Since Paul would also take a long hiatus from the scene, I decided to cease my partyings until I find a job that would let us become stable. My passion nowadays is to count the weeks before I completely loose all my savings. Day by day, my regret in lending them the bulk of my savings becomes deeper. I've realized that I've also lend my savings to one of my dad's ventures last year, and they never paid my money back till now.

But without this crisis, it would have never dawned to me that I should be proud of my accomplishments. It may have been bitter to accept that my fate is worse than some of my staff's kids back at our security agency - that some of them are actually well-off compared to us, but knowing that we've survived a week without asking any financial backing from my dad is actually some sort of a victory.

I would have dreamed of a moment when we don't need them anymore, and who would have thought that we're already making that dream a reality.

Tomorrow will be monday, I spent 6k bucks to update the car's registration last friday. I withdrew my 3k to pay for some of our household needs this week. Who would've ever thought that we would come to this.

All I am asking is another work that would ensure us of a complete freedom from my dad's clutches. Let him stay with his mistress and his kid, we wouldn't care even a bit. Let me assume his role in the house, and I would be prouder to call myself "Madre de Familia" even more.

In this time where everything can happen, what sweeter it is to... knowing that I'm actually doing the things, that is supposed to be his primary responsibility.

Another week, another chance to seek life. I just hope to find it this time.

Light At The End of the Tunnel

I thought I would last a day without worrying or thinking how bleak our future would be. I thought that by encoding my mom's application for a promotion, I would forget our sorry state we're in.

I was wrong... very wrong.

Yesterday, my dad asked me to attend a meeting of the newspaper and dealers association. When they told me the news, I had a hunch about the things those guys would talk about, one of those is the raising of the price of newspapers, particularly tabloids. You see, that business has already been bleeding badly after the newsprint companies decided to raise the price of the paper.

It's time for us to follow suit.

Before going to the meeting, dad asked one of his fellow publishers to tag me along. After all, I'll go there alone representing one of the most read tabloids in the market after the crisis tore us apart.

In just two weeks... such an unexplainable shame.

While travelling, I had an opportunity to have a chit-chat with this young publisher. He was the recent victim of my dad's former business partner and mistress. We talked about business operations, some information about our rival tabloids, and the state of his business at the moment.

I'm not so sure how much of what he said was propaganda and how much is truth, but you know what, having a conversation with him made me so much envy of what he had accomplished in just a few weeks. Perhaps because we have the same wavelength when it comes to operating a newspaper business. It's like talking to someone who understands and appreciate the things you are talking for a very very long time.

Dad and I don't share that kind of affinity. We're always at conflict when it comes to management styles and ideals.

The meeting was a brief but fading glory for me. I was given a seat to represent the company and tell about the things we have to say about the agenda. For a span of twenty seconds, publishers, dealers; big and small listened to what I have to say.

And since I'm still having this amats after speaking in english during my call center interviews several days ago, I can't help but explain my point in accented english...

It was a proud moment for me, yet my heart is bleeding inside. The organizers asked everyone for a contribution for the food we ate. I went there with just 60 bucks in my wallet. But since the company cannot even provide our contribution for the event, I was forced to shed P500 bucks to compensate my dad's additional contribution of P500.

I was humiliated inside, but since our contribution was enclosed in an official letterhead envelope, we seemed to looked ok in front of the other publishers. Add to that, most of the other publishing companies contributed the same amount as we shelled out.

But before I left, another blow hit me. Informing my dad about what had happened at the meeting, he told me that our supplier will not supply us the newsprint for the day. Our Finance Department's constant begging never worked this time. I found out today that we haven't produced even a single copy of the newspaper. One of my most feared scenario is here: we're already in deep shit.

I never bothered to asked them what happened to the company today. I know, it would make me very depressed whatever I'll hear about them after what happened yesterday. Dad tried to contact me many times today, but I decided not to answer any of his calls. I think it's up to him this time. I'm too distraught to give any of my support.

This evening, I decided to meet phanks. These past few days, he's one of my source of sanity and support. At least, I already helped him resolved most of his issues before I was the one who broke down.

But no matter how I try to hide my depression, it still shows, leaving me staring into nothingness and phanks had seen me staring into nothing several times this evening.

When I looked at how I made my decisions before this crisis happens, I cannot help but resent on missed opportunities and useless sacrifices. I shouldn't have lent them my 30k last month so that I'll have longer back-up money today. Right now, I don't expect my dad to support us, it's up to me and my mom to run the house from now on. In my estimates, my savings would only last for three weeks. If in three weeks, nobody would still hire me, I would rely heavily on my 9k "salary" from our security agency business. Fortunately, mom is still working so hopefully, we could compensate our 20k monthly household maintainance through our combined income generation.

Until I get a company to hire me, things would be very bleak for the three of us. Dad, for the meantime, would be completely out of the picture since it's an open secret that he maintains another family aside from us. It's up to them to compensate their own.

Before, I get envy when I see some guy, the same age as mine driving a Honda V-Tec or some other customized car... I get envy because I should have driving such toy with my dad's wealth and power. But since he's spending it all to his former mistress and business partner, we were left fending our own.

Now that his former mistress left him to publish a tabloid that would rival our own, financial difficulties made our life uncertain and crippled. Dad maintains a new mistress, only younger and shyer this time.

But things didn't change at all. It's all the same murky water I found when I first started my career in dad's company.

Last year, I was at the same predicament. This is the very same situation we had last year. The only difference is that, this time, I'm already very aware of the responsibilities I'll take over if ever dad cannot handle it anymore. I used to feel somewhat powerful and influencial before these things happened. I used to fixate my life on the management career I'll take over when dad decides to retire from his business. I used to cling on and be happy with savings I gained from my salaries...

But now, now that I feel like we've been stripped off all our perks, now that I feel that everything was almost taken from us already... Everything seems like a drama gone wrong. For all we know, we've never done anything to be in this state of karma.

I still don't understand why we have to suffer things such as these.