Just Because They Deserve To Burn

My brother and I were playing golf at the South Course of Valley. We were on the 3rd hole, and we see two golf carts going past us, overtaking our flight, and setting up to tee off on the next hole. My dad goes up to them and asks them why they would do that, why they would overtake us without even asking for our permission.


We learn from the great men of the past that power comes from the barrel of a gun. It is human nature. The more we have the ability to inflict terror and discomfort to those who cross us, the more we become aggressive with our behavior. I've seen this happen to my father. When his capacity to punch someone with his knuckles was replaced by his ability to draw his firearms, his eyes glimmered at the thought of the world bowing under his feet.


Someone breaks up the fight. I thought it was all over. The mayor shouts to his caddy: "Hindi nila kami kilala! Sabihin mo nga sa kanila kung sino ako!" And believe me, I had no idea who this person was. But now I know. He's the person who, with 4 other men, beat up my 56-year-old father and my 14-year-old brother. He's the person who sacks a pleading 14-year-old kid in the face. He's a person who, I am sure, is gonna rot in hell.


I heard dad said those words before. He was a very influential man who could bring down a reputation of someone powerful than him. With hundreds of thousands of proles, tambays, and sex maniacs reading his column everyday, he was a force to reckon with. This fueled the fire that drives his arrogance and sense of invincibility. At one point in his life, bodyguards surrounded him. Every seedy nightspots in the red-light city was his to choose from. And god, the people who shook his hands were the overlords of this forsaken country. That was the life he had.

Until it was taken away by the same forces he shook hands with one September night.


Him and his friend pull my dad to the ground, pulls at his feet, and steps on him like he's dirt. I run to him and try to hold him back, holding him back by his shirt, while this other guy and this girl tries to stop me. She tells me to just stop it. I scream in her face "they're beating my father up and you want me to stop?!" I pull at his shirt--I don't let go. All I can see was my dad being trampled on. I didn't even see my brother getting beat up.


The raid commenced at the printing press and we, the ones in power were advised to hide. It was the first time I saw how powerless dad was to stop his enemies from destroying his emerging empire. Life is politics and had I been the one playing his game, I would have foreseen destruction before it came. It was pride and arrogance who destroyed my father and the months after that fateful night have seen how fortunes changed.


Sounds like something out of a movie, doesn't it? But this is what happened. TODAY. The day after Christmas. To my family. And all I ask for is JUSTICE. The people at Valley Golf did not seem to want to help us. None of the security guards even tried to stop the fight. Right in the clubhouse. I came back after the fight was over and talked to the receptionists. They say they did not see anything. The general manager of Valley Golf would not give us the names of the men who made my brother's ear bleed. It took him an hour. Maybe even more than that. He seemed to not want to help us. Because, we were against the SECRETARY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF AGRARIAN REFORM and the MAYOR NASSER PAGDANGANAN JR OF MASIU CITY, LANAO DEL SUR. They were all scared.


My father did some things I could never write. What I do know is that his brutality rivaled his capacity for kindness. Like all others who fell before him, it was power and sense of permanence that lead to his downfall. Humans have this impression that they can stay forever once they are on top. Unfortunately, those who stay forever are the ones who truly understand how fleeting everything is.

That power itself is bound to end.

In those days, I basked in my dad's power. I could drive someone away or open gates I could never open in my present state with just one ID. I walked along corridors with companions who are willing to defend me - at the command of my father. But never did, in my wildest dreams, get drunk with what I have.

Because I know, it will never be forever.

And now that a different energy empowers me, might as well put it to good use and prune those who deserve to be pruned. It's time to cut down excess branches and leave only those deem necessary.

I share my voice, and my blog as a testament that power may also come in shards of words.

For in the end, masters change.

What endures are humanity and respect for others.

---

Bambee Dela Paz's Blog
Dale Bacar's Blog

Return To Neverland

The clouds gathered outside the windows, announcing the arrival of another drizzle. The building across the creek across from where my room was located had burnt marks in it. The staff told me that several rooms were gutted because of a fire two weeks ago. The reason: the rooms turned out to be an abandoned warehouse, a faulty electrical wiring must have triggered the blaze. The building still stands and it remains occupied. Like most decrypt and ancient commercial establishments along Escolta, the edifice is a sorrow reminder of the glory days that passed by.

Inside the room, old boxes filled with applications and other office documents were stacked up above one another. Across the table where I was seated, was the wooden paddle - a testament to my late father's fraternal brotherhood past. The aircon, which they used to open when I arrive had been long broken. In its place was a fridge desolately placed near the window.

"Sir buksan natin ang ilaw?" The staff asked me.

"Okay lang, hindi ako sanay na may ilaw. Hindi mo na matandaan no?" I courteously replied.

It's been more than two years since I last set foot in this place - the Sikyu Agency. It is my father's surviving venture and the bread and butter of the household. After the Publishing company closed down under my most unfortunate leadership, I resolved to seek a new life elsewhere. The failure of losing the very reason of your being (a journalist) is too much to bear. The Sikyu would gladly embrace my presence, however a business assaulted by tons of unexpected problems would simply annihilate my tattered spirit.

So instead of working with them, I joined my boss' budding call center company.

---

The process of healing was long and painful. Two years, I did not show up even during their Christmas Parties. The entire staff was laden with gifts personally coming from me, but my presence which they hoped I would grant, was twice denied. The only contact I ever had with them during these years happened whenever the "dole" was delayed or whenever someone from the office would seek my aunt's assistance in medical emergencies.

This afternoon, we received a letter addressed to my mom. It was from the government and its contents sent the matriarch fuming and frantic the whole day. In her panic, he asked me to forward the letter to the Sikyu's financial officer. She immediately noticed my reservations clearly appearing on my face. In a fit of utter disappointment, she howled at me telling "tatlong taon na patay ang ama mo, hanggang ngayon takot ka pa rin lumingon sa nakaraan mo?!?" something like that, I could not remember.

So I had no choice but to follow my mother's order. I took a bath, dressed up in my most somber ensemble and with a pragmatic gesture, left the house as if going elsewhere. But my heart trembled on my way to the office. Not even my Darkstar ego was prepared to face a past I am still trying to ignore.

You see, part of the desire to remain very distant comes from the fact that I'm getting something from them without working for it. Imagine the great injustice I do to every laborer in this country. Even I, could not forgive myself for such exploitation. But I had not choice. If and ever I will join their circus, I do not really know what will be my use to them as their de-facto boss. (even if I have to contend/appease the "business partner/former kabet's presence) Besides, the "benefit" I would get is an insurance for any unforeseen emergency in the future. It ensures that no matter what delubyo comes in our way, at least I have set aside something for protection.

---

The corridor leading to the office was dark and gloomy. I could almost hear a lonely piano instrumental playing on the background. My short walk from the lobby was almost like a procession; a slow passage reminding me of painful and resenting memories which I could not deny, but still haunt me today. The Sikyu's future, which remains uncertain because of the loopholes left by my father could easily drive me looking for a second job, and the guilt of benefiting from something the never lifted even my tiny finger pushes me further away, to wallow in my own shame.

But the time had come to at least contend with a past, in hopes that it may lead to a sort of reconciliation.

So that I could find healing despite its prematurity.

I took a deep breath as my hand grip held the door knob very tightly.

In the milliseconds between my appearance to the people inside and the resentment and hesitation I felt before I opened the door, in my thoughts, how I wished I lived my life very differently from the very start.

But there was no turning back; my only choice is to face this fear squarely... even if i am not ready.

"Uy andjan pala si sir. Tagal niyong nawala ah!"

The first greeting I heard from them.

Family Business Blues

-Taking a break-

---

It should be my sister doing this, not me.

Since I am the fastest encoder in the family, my mom asked me to type the chronology of events, detailing the things that happened during the last few years of our family business after my dad passed away. She said, the new lawyer asked her to prepare a draft so he would understand where to start over. Although, I don't want to associate myself anymore to the nightmares I endured for two years after I graduated from college, doing this task forced me to remember the events that lead to our downfall.

It was a very disheartening experience, especially now that age allows me to see where I fell short to prevent the disasters that happened.

I won't go into details as to what had happened, for the blog had witnessed too many entries devoted to that part of my life. Nevertheless, now that I'm forced to type and edit (meaning, provide concrete details to the events which mom barely understands), I feel a sense of injustice having to be reminded of these things again. It should be my sister who needs a bucket of cold water thrown at her. I'm tired of remembering my own mortality every time there's a problem with my dad's family business.

As I take one deep breath before I continue typing and editing my mother's draft document, I can't help but wonder whether there would come a time I would really be free from all these miseries. Sometimes, in my wildest dreams, I still fantasize taking two good-paying jobs, a graduate study course in the university and a consistent work-out routine all at the same time, just to distract myself from the reality that time is never on my side.

I know, it's just a matter of moments before another trouble comes in.

And what's so sad about it is that I haven't move on from the past, my sister still drifts on the edges of his college existence, instead of providing financial support for the household and I myself begins to drift aimlessly as well, fending off the truth that even at this advanced age,

I still don't know how to make the most out of life.

The Tabloid That Would Never Die

The take-over of our former newspaper is in full swing. This coming December, they will add more smutty pages in the tabloid - from a mere 8 to a full twelve. I've also heard that my dad's former mistress and mortal enemy would join their boat and share her experience running that newspaper a very long time ago, when my father is still the ruler of his own big world.

She said at first, she felt ashamed having a new part on the paper once again. After all, it is a source of nightmare for her as well, which I would tell in another story. But since, the positive reports are pouring in, she eventually accepted the invitation from its "board" to join the "editorial team" again.

Because it is fast becoming a profitable venture already.

And now that the national elections is just around the corner, things would be much prosperous for its ringleaders once the candidates seek their PR services in behalf of the newspaper.

---

If there is someone in the family who is heavily affected by such developments, it is my father's sister, who really never got out of the hole ever since we closed the business. But she is trying I tell you. If not for her pain-in-ass son who stopped going to fourth year high school five years ago - which is the number one contributor of heartaches and depressions to my dad's sibling, I would have divested more money to her little businesses to raise her living conditions and put her in a better state.

But really, would there be an investor willing to risk putting his investments in an uncertain basket? Maybe the suicidal ones perhaps.

---

You see, the last time we talked, one could feel the hurt and the pain every time she utters a word regarding our former newspaper business. She said that it felt like having a drying wound, not a peklat, which all of a sudden was wounded again by the very same people who caused the sugat. I also felt that way... but honestly, before the business closed, I made a wish and that wish kept reminding me not to be too bad about the tabloid's resurrection.

I wished that even though we were long gone, those people who really stood up for the newspaper business would go on, even if it would mean serving under a different owner.

And I think my wish was granted - after three years of waiting for it. Tsk. Lakas ko talaga sa Diyos.

So that's why no matter how it hurts, I just pretend that it doesn't affect me that much. Tutal, I'm working in a new company very far from the nightmares I have been through running that family business. I'm also engaged in some academic endeavor and in doing so, it made me feel that I'm higher than all of them (the ringleaders, editors and writers) combined - even if they are the ones making money.

Lastly, I still believe in Karma. My dad was a very good example of how the Karmic forces work in people's lives. Perhaps someday, if the Creator really finds that there is injustice done to us, maybe he would lift his finger to deliver some divine retribution to those people who "dug out the grave and ressurected the dead using their greedy hands."

That is why I don't want to lift my own mortal finger yet. The legal expenses alone would bleed me to death if I take a passionate stance about it. What matters to me is that we find a way to get out of the responsibilites and connections to that newspaper once and for all. I don't want some obscure creditors knocking at my door demanding payments for services rendered forty eight years ago.

But still, justifying the pain and reason behind that wretched newspaper. In the end, the pain gains the upper hand. Someday, when I get to be a really really good writer or a very popular PLU personality, I would write about such pain and tell the people what I've been through.

After all, I don't know anyone who could carry such a jaded soul like me, in the face of such betrayal happening right before my very own eyes.

The Ex Prince Speaks

November 13, 2006


The President [insert name here]
National Press Club of the Philippines
Manila


Dear Mr. [insert surname here]


We have confirmed that the [insert name of the newspaper here] has been in circulation once again since last week. We heard that some interested groups decided to open the newspaper after we had given it a final closure three years ago. We understand that in order to distinguish it from the one we used to control, they changed its name from "Balitang" to "Baliktaran" to set the difference and avoid the costly litigation fees once we decide to pursue a case against them. We have reasons for the people behind its new management to resurrect the said tabloid. After all, it was one of the most renowned newspaper in the market during its days.

We wish to inform you that the [insert former owner's surnames here] has no participation whatsoever in such revival. They never sought our advice nor considered our feelings regarding such painful release. Nevertheless, in the spirit of the coming holidays, we do not wish to interfere with their operations. After all, in so many years we have tried to forget whatever bitterness and hurt such newspaper left us, we are not interested in taking it back anymore.

Thank you very much for your time.

God Bless.

---

Minsan rin akong naging anak ng isang boss. Nasubukan ko rin magkaroon ng VIP treatment sa buhay ko. Noong araw, nakasakay ako sa isang magarang sasakyan, hinahatid sa school na may kasama pang bodyguard. Naranasan ko rin makikamay sa mga pulitiko na humihingi ng pabor sa tatay ko at nakasulat rin ako ng ilang mga editorial columm sa isang national tabloid na sumikat ilang taon na ang nakakaraan.

Iyon ang kasaysayan ko.

Sa totoo, kaya ako pinakuha ng kursong Journalism ay upang maging magtuloy nitong negosyong ito. Ngunit masyado akong bata at walang karanasan upang tumayo at pamunuan ang mga tauhan ng tatay ko. Nanduon rin ang pulitika, intriga at siraan na siyang dumurog sa amin. Wala pang isang taon simula noong ako'y naging bahagi ng kanilang opisina. Ang diyaryong ito ay nagsimulang tumupi isang gabi noong na-raid ang printing house na aming inuupahan.

---

Sa huli, nasubukan ko rin itong pamunuan isang buwan matapos mamatay ang aking ama. Naroon ang pait at ang hapdi habang nakikita mo ang iyong sariling pera na napupunta sa wala. Naroon ang pikit mata mong inaabot ang isangdaang pisong advance ng mga tauhan mo araw araw mapagkasya lang ang kita sa negosyo. At naroon rin ang gabi gabing panonood ng Nickolodeon, matakasan lamang ang walang katapusang problemang pinansyal na hinarap ng kumpanya ilang buwan bago ito magsara.

Ngunit naroon palagi ang potensyal nitong lumago at magpatuloy. Yun nga lang, maraming bagay ang kailangang i-konsidera lalo na ang isyu ng paghahabol ng pinagkakautangan nito sakali mang may makisyosyo ditong iba.

Maraming pait ang iniwan nitong kumpanyang ito na hanggang ngayon ay pilit kong tinatalikuran sa aking isipan. Siguro, kaya ako naging sobrang higpit sa pera ngayon at bigla biglang nawala ang interes ko sa pamumuno ay dahil sa mga aral na napala ko maiahon ko lang itong diyaryong ito mula sa pagkalugmok.

Pero anuman ang gawin ko, ako pa rin ay nabigo sa huli.

---

Taon ang lumipas. Kaninang umaga, matapos magpagod sa gym, muli kong natanaw itong diyaryo sa isang newstand malapit sa amin. Kaparehong-kapareho ito ng aming issue noong kapanahunan ko pa. Habang pinagmamasdan ko ang lay-out nito, para akong binigwasan sa dibdib ng tatlong beses - tatlong taon pait ng pagkabigo na paminsan minsang nalalasahan ko pa sa aking labi. Heto't narito sa harap ko kanina ang diyaryo na parang isang naagnas na bangkay na kahuhukay lang mula sa mabahong lupa.

Papalipasin ko ang Pasko at Bagong Taon, upang bigyang konsiderasyon ang mga taong napilitang kumapit sa mga namumuno nito. Sa muling pagkakataon, hahayaan kong ang tadhana at karma ang siyang gumalaw para sa akin upang anuman ang mangyari, malinis ang aking kunsensya sa bawi ng buhay sa kanila.

At kapag nasiguro ko na ang aking pinansyal na pangangailangan. Kapag naisaayos ko na ang mga bagay na aking naiwan sa pagmamadaling maitaguyod muli ang pamilyang umaasa sa akin...

Babalik ako at babawi sa kanila.

Lubhang napakasakit ang ginawa nilang iyon sa aming mga naiwanan.

Blue Skies

- Photo taken using Nokia N70

---

If my dad were still alive today, he would have celebrated his 50th birthday. For a time, he used to walk among the stars. Then one evening, everything was taken away from him. For two years after the great raid, he endured a financial struggle that would eventually lead to his downfall. A week after he attempted to rebound from such fall with a fresh source of capital, heaven gave him a surprise reprieve and decided to take him away for good.

Two years after his passing, those of us who were left continues his struggle. Trouble comes left and right, and no matter how we try to go beyond and move away from the struggle, there are things that would always lead us back to where we came from.

But still, life goes on and as long as we see new directions to get away from all those past we would like to forget... we move along.

And the bitterness and hatred we kept in our hearts fades away as well - All the blame we used to throw at him; all the what-if's we used to ask when he is not around; and all his shortcomings to us that I used to list down in order to sustain my long-standing rebellion against him - all forgiven, like the cloudy skies above that gently moves away in order to reveal the blue sky that it hides from us while we were at the cemetery visiting his grave.

All that remained is a sense of peace, and a hope that whatever mistakes we had in the past would be corrected, somewhere along the vastness and uncertainties of tomorrow.

---

When do stars fade their light?

Does the moon and the sun make it right

For you the world maybe

Like an endless storm chasing a mystery

- Hale, Blue Sky

Ave

Ave Deo! Morituri te salutant*

---

The scene at the church reminds me of the movie, Gladiator. Before I went to school to attend the last meeting for both my two subjects, I decided to stop by Santa Clara to offer a prayer of thanks for a very meaningful and worthwhile semester.

As I kneeled in one of the pews facing the huge altar and offered my incantation, I felt like I am a soldier going to a battle. Today is our final exam in one of the subjects that I dreaded most. My heart is filled with so much terror that despite doing some preparations for the exams, I also entertained the possibilities of not making it to the cut off. However, I did not let such thought go into my head since it might just influence me to surrender everything. As I uttered my prayers, what I told God is that no matter how uncertain things are, the fact that I enjoyed the experience is all that's important.

Besides, there are more pressing concerns where I would need His aid.

---

I remembered a quote from a book that says "achieving one's dream is like an escape from gravity, the closer you reach your aim, the pull to the ground becomes greater." This morning, the sikyu agency called my mother to inform her that they are facing some financial shortages today. They need extra money for the salary of the guards amounting to my entire savings.

Since we don't know a lender who is willing to offer credit to the company, my mom just said that she would try looking for other ways to find money as a show of concerned gesture.

Moments like the one above brings me back to a time when cash shortages happens daily to my dad's publication company. I have already forgotten how much of my personal money was absorbed just to finance the needs for a day of its operation. Believe me, when you are out there being pressured to look for a fresh source of cash, you will most likely end up in the future being absurdly stingy when managing your personal finances.

That is why I rarely show off to people or spend my money for something unecessary. I know how hard it is to be penniless and miserable.

---

Phanks sent an emergency SMS message while I was in class. He told me that he was almost stabbed by a colleague who appears to be jealous of me.

I have my speculations and analysis of the situation... I could even assume a possible reason as to why such pathetic thing happened between them. For a time, my paranoid thoughts harbored some ill feelings towards Phanks and the guy. However, I just reasoned myself that I shouldn't react too harshly since I don't know the exact details as of the moment.

Besides, I would need to consult Papu as to what path to follow. I can sense that he faced the same situation before and I believe that his wisdom could effortlessly get me through.

For now, I would leave my standing army in their barracks.

---

These two great stand-offs could have surely distracted me as I centered my thoughts in the upcoming finals this afternoon. If Phanks was stabbed by his colleague, I would have to decide whether to be on his side or endure a very painful examination, with my thoughts focused on his condition. Fortunately for both of us, God is great. Maybe my prayers for his safety before I went to school saved his life.

I do not know what happened to the sikyu agency. Probably they had eventually resolved their cash problems that is why my mother did not inform me of the progressing situation while I'm at school. Seriously, If I am a person who easily capitulates to such trials, I would have surrendered the exam at the very last minute and let the entire graduate school project hang-on without having a reasonable closure.

But I told myself as I puffed a menthol cigarette downstairs after my first class that I must hold on to my dreams. The masterals, despite its uncertainty remains a cornerstone of my existence. It is my self-proclaimed jihad in life and if trials would simply fuck things up completely, what else could I prove to myself when the bigger troubles arrive.

Self-destruction would have its own time. But now that I'm dying to establish some order in myself, I'd rather face challenges to the death than let these troubles consume me like a helpless lamb.

---

The exams went remarkably well, but it doesn't assure me of any survival. There remains two more essays to submit in the other subject and the finacial status of the sikyu agency remains uncertain. I haven't talked to Phanks yet regarding the incident this afternoon, and I am not planning to confront him either out of inviting a bigger chaos that may be prevented. Therefore, the things that might break me apart remains at the borders of my sanity.

But back there at the church, when I almost certainly feel that a part of me will die. I could almost salute God in front of the altar, and promise a command performance in battle...

So that even in the face of death, I know, I fought well.




* Hail, Father! Those who are about to die salute you.

Memories Of Sleeplessness (Episode One)

Over a year ago, I would find myself lying on bed as my eyes were glued on television watching some funny cartoons in Nickolodeon. It’s past 3 am and in a couple of hours, feedback from the night operations of my dad’s company would be reported to me through SMS. Often, such reports bring dreaded news. Usually, it tells about how much income deficit we would have for the following day, or how much newsprint spoilage occurred during the printing phase during the night. Only in very rare occasions would they tell of good news such as dealers getting more copies of the newspaper, or some agents paying a bigger amount of money for past dues to the company.

The usual news not only brings terror in my heart, but also massive problems in my mind. Because during the rest of the following day, our major challenge would be how to sustain the operations of the company, while constantly telling the workers to continue holding on despite the loosing war obviously happening in our midst. The company was running without capital or emergency funds to support us during days we don’t have much income. There were too many things to think about and in many cases the only viable option for me is to sleep through it all.

If it was possible…

The quiet night was my only respite during those turbulent months. The dark comedies being shown in Invader Zim or Ren and Stimpy Show were my only diversions in a period, where I was suddenly thrown unprepared in a battle where my mind and heart could not simply cope up with the demands of running a dying business.

In just six months, everything was over. One night, doom spelled the entire operations after we have realized that we were too stretched to our limits. The suppliers would not lend us assistance anymore and we can’t find a creditor we could run to borrow extra cash. Two days after, a new leadership rose to face the challenge. He used to be my father’s comrade who took advantage of the situation and presented himself as the ultimate savior of the company. I wasn’t a part of the new management though, for I have already declared my freedom. Eventually I managed to pick up myself to start a new life working for someone else. Another couple of months and the insomnia nights were over.

At the same time, the company, which used to be my dominion during the last months of its existence declared itself bankrupt as well. In less than four years after my father started the enterprise, the whole thing was forgotten completely – in the minds of its former readers, and in the hearts of those who painstakingly tried to keep it afloat, at their own expense.

However, in some very rare nights like tonight, when the silence of my surroundings is the only thing that I could hear, the memories that I tried to forget all these years briefly emerge, perhaps to remind myself that such future may happen again.

Maybe, to enforce upon me that the pain still remain even if everybody – even the creditors who used to hound me for my father’s dues have completely moved on already and resumed their busy lives.

Too bad however, while others have moved on, a part of me still remains, sulking because of such bitter loss.

El Toro Redux (Infinitely Fuck - Teen Angst Remix)

Tangina mo.

Bakit sa tuwing makakarinig ako ng balita sayo, lagi mong sinisira ang araw ko?

Bakit sa tuwing maalala kita, lagi kong pinapahirapan at sinisisi ang sarili ko?

Hindi ko naman kasalanan kung hindi ka namin nailaban ah? Inubos mo na nga ang pera ko, pinamukha mo pa sa akin kung paano maiwan sa isang sitwasyon na hindi ko naman ginawa.

Tangina mo.

Bakit ba kahit patay ka na at matagal ka nang nakabaon sa isipan ng madla, marami pa rin ang naghahabol sayo?

Bakit ba hindi kami makahanap ng katahimikan sa aming gunita sa tuwing makakarinig kami ng balita tungkol sayo.

Tangina, ano bang meron ka? Bakit mo ba ginugulo ang buhay ko? Bakit ba nagogoyo mo ang nanay ko? Bakit ba hindi ka pa mawala sa buhay namin samantalang

Nasira mo na kami, patuloy mo pa rin akong pinaparusahan dahil nabigo kaming ilaban ka.

Alam mo bang dahil sayo, bigla kong sinumpa ang Intramuros? Dahil sayo hindi ako makatingin sa newstands tuwing umaga? Nang dahil sayo, hindi ako makapagpakita sa mga dating tauhan namin?

Nang dahil sayo, gusto kong tumakbo palayo sa lahat ng tao at bagay na magpapaalala sakin ng lahat ng tungkol sayo?

Kahit na mismong utol ng tatay ko tinalikuran ko. Mismong puntod ng tatay ko, gusto kong ibaon sa isip ko para lang hindi kita maalala at maka-ahon ako palayo sa iyo.

Hanggang kailan mo ba ako mumultuhin?

Kailan mo ba kami papatahimikin?

Tangina, kelan mo ba kakalagan ang nanay ko na siyang nagbabayad ngayon dahil sa aking paglaya mula sa kadena mo?

Tangina, mawala ka na...

Makalimutan ka na sa isipan ng lahat...

Pakawalan mo na kami.

Tangina ka.

The Return of the "Live Show"

They are back in business.

After a hopeless meeting we had last week, the new financiers decided to open up the business again to defend their "boss" who lives by the river.

I could really kiss Atty. Sam Ong for this. Without his earth shaking revelations yesterday, the financiers won't be pressured to seek protection from institutions like us.

Now they are in control. And we're happy with that, even though we won't have any business with our publication anymore.

After all, my only wish even from the start is to see our staff surviving; my dad's legacy living on.

Even if we have to let go, just for the sake of making it survive on its own.

Abomination

How many times do I have to tell you that we can't do anything?

That, that company is already doomed?

Can't you see that this issue is tearing us apart?
Can't you see that I'm already fed up with it?

Can you at least spell your own liberation, like I did?

For God's sake, this is not our life.
We're very much happy before these things came to our midsts.

Fading In the Dark

This too, shall pass. Like all other trials before it...

---

Bukas makalawa, maaring wala na sa amin ang publishing company ni papa. Sabi nila mama, masyado daw tuso ang aming bagong partner sa trabaho. Akala namin, totoong partnership ang usapan. Akala ko, ito'y isang bagong umaga para sa aming lahat. Pero hindi, sa totoo, ito'y pagsusuko ng aming karapatan bilang mga naiwan sa nagtayo ng kumpanya. Hindi man anino ang labas namin, kami nama'y magiging alila ng bagong mamumuhunan.

Sabi ko nga, kapit sa patalim itong labang to. Kung kami rin lang, wala kaming milyones na pwedeng gawing puhunan para sa kumpanyang yun ni papa. Yun ngang natatanggap ko sa Security Agency niya na mahigit xxx kada kinsenas eh halos napupunta rin lang sa publishing house, paano pa kami? Paano pa ang nanay at utol ko? Paano pa ako makakapaghanda para sa mga maaring pagkagastusan?

Ang mahalaga lang naman kay mama, sabi niya, eh hindi siya habulin ng mga iniwang pinagkakautangan ni papa. Totoo nga naman, yumaman at yumaman siya pero ambon lang ang nalasap namin. Kung hindi ba siya tarantado noon eh, meron na siguro akong sariling pad at sasakyan ngayon.

Pero shempre, tapos na ang pagiging bitter ko, masyadong maraming problemang kailangan harapin para isipin pa ang mga ito.

Balita sa akin, marami na daw sa mga tauhan namin ang nagrereklamo. Pakiramdam nila eh nilalaglag namin ang kapatid ni papa sa negosasyon, kasi kami lang ni mama ang nakasaad na heirs ni Papa, which actually true... pero ang isang ordinaryong tao, maiintindihan ba yun?

Hindi....

Sa sobrang gulo ng balitang dumating sa akin, parang balewala lahat ang mga hirap at sakripisyong ginawa ko kahapon para magkaroon ng advertising proposal ang kumpanya, medyo masakit rin na halos sanlibo ang nawala sa akin para lang ipambayad sa comic artist at network cable para sa computer ha.

At wag ka, galing sa bulsa ko pa yun.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy, mukhang malabo na mabalik sa akin ang dose mil na inutang nila 3 weeks ago sa sabado. Sabagay, talaga namang walang bumabalik na pera, kapag pinahiram mo sa kanila eh.

Nakakabadtrip lang, na marealize na gumuho ang anumang pangarap mong makalaya at lumakas ang kumpanyang, kahit paano eh pinaghirapan mo na rin. Kung ngayon ngang wala pang pirmahan ng kontrata eh nangyayari na ito, paano pa kapag nalagdaan na ang papel?

Anuman ang mangyari, maghahanda ako para meron akong back-up sakaling mawala na ng tuluyan ang kontrol sa amin. Heto rin naman ang ginusto ko nung simula pa lang - kahit kabayaran ang pagkawala ng pamumuno namin, ang mahalaga nandun ang mga tauhan, andun ang jaryo, at higit sa lahat, andun ang pinagsimulan...

...kahit wala na kami.

Money Matters 2 (Don't Read This If You're Filthy Rich)

All those switches in languages left me grasping for words.

---

I finally recieved my salary this afternoon, which I used to pay for bills I postponed paying last week. I thought we were really a goner this time, since the household is just dependent on whatever it recieves from my dad's security agency.

However, what is left of his holdings may not be there tomorrow. I've heard that they were facing some huge financial problems - like those we see in the publishing company. At the same time, I have never seen those companies being that stable ever since.

I never believed that businesses and companies are stable in the first place.

---

After I recieved my salary, my first impulse was to separate my expenses for 15 days from what I can enjoy as my personal money. As I remembered and calculated all my dues, it seems like nothing would remain from that sum of money.

Not even for kikay expense, if there is any...

But before I let go of them, I decided to buy a pair of shoes in Avenida to replace my old one, which has a sole as thin as paper. Don't ask me how much did I bought it... but I have always been known as a cheapskate.

Probably, you'll get an idea on how I spend things for myself with that.

Anyway, I am hoping that the money I lent to the publishing company two weeks ago would be returned to me this week.

If ever that happens, I am pretty confident that I would get out of the red next month.

Good luck to me.

---

Have you ever wished of waking up one morning with the news that someone had deposited 5 million pesos in your bank account?

What would you do with the money? would you tell the world that you're a millionaire, or keep it as a secret until it's too late for people to react to the life changes you had experienced?

Because I've been harboring this thought since last night, after mom and I watched the grand finals of that singing competitions in ABS-CBN, in which a former construction worker from Bohol was declared the champion.

In fairness to him, I rarely appreciate pop idols. But when I heard his voice, I became suddenly awed by his performance.

Pero what if you were in your shoes, what if you wake up one morning 5 million richer than you once a day before? how would you live your life?

---

Perhaps, the main impulse of people would be to splurge here, there and everywhere. Perhaps they would give some part of the amount to charity or balato relatives and close neighbors in the community. I think this is the Filipino culture, this is what typical pinoys would do with such huge sums of cash...

No wonder, in less than three years most of the money you've got from some prize show or something were all gone, thanks to those endless splurging and giving assistance to others.
But for me, I think I know by now how would I spend it... probably I know how would I put it on something so that it would grow and prosper, not just get out without having something in return.

You see, when you know how to keep money, you would never simply splurge on things that would give you any return.

If I knew one morning that someone deposited 5 million in my account, I'd most likely keep it a secret so that no pesky relative, or neighbor would ask me for a balato or something. Probably, I'd tell it to my mom's sister, who is the most affluent and most practical in the family to have some sound financial advises on how I would use that money... but like I've said, I won't tell anyone. If I am gracious, perhaps with our workers, they would just recieve an envelope with probably 3k on it as balato - but of course, I won't tell them that I am an instant millionnaire.

Instead of diverting those funds to my dad's ailing companies, I would secretly buy a house and a car, which I would probably name to my sister to secure my mom of a future we never have today. Forget all the creditors that pursues my dad, this time they would get nothing from us.

Lastly, probably I won't splurge that much to charity. I might give some, but not too much for people to notice. I think silent and sincere prayers of thanks would be enough. There would never be any fanfare, celebrations, or PR of some kind if ever that happens.

Whatever remains from all those security-building measures I did with my 5 million would be deposited in several banks to ensure ourselves that we would have something to run into in case of emergencies. After all, nothing is certain so at least, we would have something to prepare in case of some unforseen things that would pose a threat to our quiet lifestyle.

Ang sarap rin mangarap minsan, kahit na gising...

... But yeah, it's just a daydream and nothing else.

Back to the real world joms. There are a lot of things to bum around for tomorrow.

Grieve 3

Nakatanggap ako ng tseke sa kapatid ni mama kaninang hapon. Sabi niya, gamitin daw namin pambayad utang sa kumpanya. Sabi ko, hindi pa naman dumarating yung mga naghahabol sa amin, ok lang kako kahit hindi ko pa gamitin yun.

Pero parang pakiramdam ko na pinipilit niyang tanggapin ko yung tseke at gamitin namin. Siguro na-guilty kasi inamin ni mama na kelangan namin kumapit sa patalim para patuloy na tumakbo yung naiwang business ni papa.

Kaya hayun, tinanggap ko yung tseke. Bukas, ipapasok rin ni mama yung tseke na dapat sana ay payable rin sa kapatid niya... yung bill namin sa Manila Doctors nung sinugod dun sa emergency room si Papa bago i-transfer sa PGH.

Kapag nagsama-sama ang perang idedeposit ko sa secret account ko, lilitaw na heto na ang pinakamalaking perang nahawakan ko sa buong buhay ko...

Masakit lang, hindi sa akin yun. Anytime na kailanganin ninuman ang perang yun, lahat ng nakatago dun, mawawala na lang sa akin na parang bula.

---

Sadya atang hinayaan lang ng Diyos na ma-enjoy ko ang aking pinaka-inaasam-asam na makapaglagay ng milyones sa aking bangko.

Pero ang ariin yun ng sa akin lang, siguro sa buhay na ito, hindi mangyayari yun.

Grieve 2

"Imogen, un utang syo monday na lang kc c dimagiba s mon pa mccngil (masisingil) kc may patay sila ngaun."

As expected, I will have to live with my remaining 3 K in my account... whattalife.

Twilight Of The Emerald Sun

Surprisingly, I think I prepared myself for the great sacrifice this afternoon that is why it didn't hurt so bad that I have to shell that huge amount of money.

One good reason may also be because we have found a partner in running that business that is why I am not afraid of having this difficult sacrifices anymore.

Because perhaps, this might be one of last times I would do such partings with my savings. Maybe next time, my investments would start pouring in.

---

As the story goes, one of dad's friends, who is also one of our colummnist was very interested in entering into partnership with the company. However, we had reservations at first since we were able to run the business all by ourselves.

But come May 1 and our luck ran out. We don't have any reserved cash anymore, and for several days, the operations of our business suddenly came to a complete stop.

And then Mr. Investor came along, opening up a proposal that might save the enterprise.

Last Tuesday, a high-level meeting was conducted to finalize the details of such partnerships. We, as a single unit has decided to enter into an alliance with him, forming a corporation which will completely change the set-up of the company.

By now, we are witnessing the last days of the Jomanian order, since the new partner would institute some policies which, may not actually suit our interest.

But I'm sure it would not happen for a very long time. I have to admit that I am extremely desperate for this partnership to work. After all, it's either him, or we'll simply close the company. That is our option, and just for the sake of survival, we chose the former.

My only wish is that may this partnership bear fruits. And once and for all, our people would receive the best compensation they ever had in years.

May we be successful in this new endeavor.

Grieve

I will loose again 12,500 from my Metrobank Account. They promised that they will return it to me tomorrow.

I will also have to shell around 2,500 till tonight. That leaves me with less than 2,000 in my account.

My cash never dropped this low. I saw this coming, and I'm bracing for whatever upset will have on me this afternoon.

Take A Final Bow

Nakakapanlambot man isipin, pero tinaggap ko na ang katotohanan na baka bukas makalawa, wala na ang aming negosyong jaryo.

Ilang buwan na rin simula nung iniwan ni papa ang negosyo sa amin. Hindi ko akalain na ang iniwanan kong business walong buwan na halos ang nakakaraan ay higit pang lumubog sa putikan na kinasasadlakan namin ngayon.

Noong isang linggo lang, halos kalahati ng ipon ko ang nawala sa akin matustusan lang ang operations ng kumpanya para sa isang araw. Sabi ko, hindi ko na kaya tumanggap ng ganun kalaking damage,

financially at mentally.

Ilang araw ko rin akong naging depressed at nawalan ng gana pumasok dahil doon. Hanggang ngayon, dala dala ko pa rin ang trauma ng pagsusuko mo ng perang pinaghirapan mong itago, para sa isang bagay na hindi mo alam kung balang araw ba ay mapapakinabangan mo o hindi.

Sadya lang talaga nakakapagod minsan.

---

Nagpasama ako kay Paldeng sa megamall upang tingnan yung job fair na ginanap doon nitong tatlong araw.

Bibit ang limang resume, sinuyod ko ang mga call center booths dun upang pag aralan kung kaya ko ba ang trabaho nila, at kung ako ba ay karapat dapat na maging kandidato bilang isa sa mga empleyado nila.

Sa muli, nagpasa ako ng resume sa People Support, Sykes, Daksh at Convergys. Nagpasa rin ako ng resume sa K-Search (kung anuman yun), Accenture and Alorica. Umaasa ako na sana maging effective ang resume na pinadala ko ngayon. Hindi ko na kasi alam kung masesecure pa ba kami ng mga naiwang kumpanya ni papa, o kelangan ko muling tumayo para sa aming tatlo.

Mabuti na ang may safety net.

---

Sa totoo, sikreto muli ang lakad kong ito.

Una sa lahat, hindi approve kay mama na i-divert ang atensyon ko sa iba habang nandito ako't nakatayo sa pedestal ni papa.

Ikalawa, hindi ko alam kung paano ieexplain sa mga tao kung bakit namasukan ako sa iba habang ako ang tinuturing na pinuno nila.

Para sa akin, higit na mabigat itong desisyong ito. Kanina pa lang, unti unti ko nang nararamdaman ang pressure at panlulumo habang nakikipagunahan ako sa mga kasing edad ko na naghahanap rin ng trabaho.

Ayaw ko sanang dumating sa punto na magiging desperado muli ako gaya nung isang taon, alam kong mahirap ito pero hindi ko kaya ang sitwasyon namin sa opisina.

Security ko ang pera, at para makuha ko ang objective na yun, ang paghahanap ng extrang trabaho ang nakikita ko lang na dahilan.

---

Simula noong tinanggap ko ang realization na anumang pera meron ako ay pera ng kumpanya, pati personal na gastos ko, unti unting tinapyas ko sa aking sistema. Hindi ko na matandaan kung kelan ako bumili ng bagong pantalon, at brief... gustuhin ko man, ayaw kong isugal ang perang hawak ko.

Noong isang araw, naging nostalgic ako habang kumakain ng McChicken galing sa Mcdo na dala ni mama. Sabi ko sa kanya, mahigit isang taon na rin ata mula ng huling kumain ako ng ganito. Sa sobrang pagtitipid, ni life's simple pleasures hindi ko na maenjoy.

---

Pero shempre, nilalabanan ko yun. Hindi man ako makabili ng maraming bagay, basta pang gimmick at pang BED, nakabukod na sa budget ko. Pati rin ang internet card at ang pang-load ko kay Phanks, kasama na sa mga gastusin ko.

Sa totoo, enjoy na ako ng ganito. Mukhang pobre pero handa sa anumang emergency. Nakakainis man at nakakadepress minsan, pero sadyang heto ata ang buhay na binigay sa akin.

---

Ngayong hapon, tinawag ako para sa initial interview ko sa Convergys.

Habang pinagmamasdan ako ni Paldeng, hindi ko lubos maitago ang hiya ko sa pagitan ng mga ngiting ipinapakita ko sa kanya.

Sa loob loob ko, nagtatanong ang puso ko kung ano ba itong pinasok ko.

Sa pilit na accented na ingles na ginamit ko sa mga tanong, sa pagpapacute na ginawa ko sa interviewer, tinatanong ng sarili ko kung bakit ako nagpapakababa ng ganito.

Mula sa pagiging boss hanggang sa pagiging trabahador muli, ganito ba ang pagtanggap ng gusto kong mangyari sa aking buhay? Kung sana ang nangyari ay lumipat ako mula sa isang kumpanya patungo sa isa, madali sana... ngunit eto? Kaya ko ba to?

Matapos ang interview, sinabi ng interviewer namin na kami'y magintay upang tanggapin ang resulta ng aming interview. Alam ko, mali mali ang mga sagot ko. Handa na sana ako upang harapin ang kauna-unahang pagkatalo ko sa job-hunting season na ito.

---

Sa kabila ng matinding tibok ng dibdib ko, at pagprepretend na dry run lang ito. Andun ang takot na baka ma-turn down lang ako. Sa pagitan ng mataimtim na paghiling na sana pasok ako, at pagmumuni muni sa mga ginagawa ko, isa lang ang naging sagot ng utak ko.

para sa kanila...

Bumalik muli ang aming interviewer, na nagbigay ng isang pirasong papel na nagsasaad ng aming verdict.



Dear Mr. Phanksmaster

We are happy to inform you that you have successfully passed the interview stage of the selection process of Convergys Corporation

You are scheduled for a computer-based assessment on ______________


Napayuko man ako sa hamon ng buhay, nawa'y maging heto ang battlecry ko sa mga marami pang labang haharapin ko sa mga susunod na mga linggo.

Heto ang aking laban.

The Long Dry Spell

You'd live a life connected to the computer. You'd sleep at around 4 to 5 am in the morning and then you'd wake up in the afternoon. The first thing you do is check your phone for messages, if not, pray to God that everything's all right at the office.

Ever since the company got half of my savings, I had this sort of loosing confidence whenever I go to work. It's like tinatamad na akong pumasok sa trabaho or something like that, kundi naman, I'd think of looking for an extra job to support the expenses at home and in the company.

Looking at the way I live now, I think I don't have any remarkable difference with regards to the conditions of our employees. Imagine, I'd get to budget my 100 for phanks and me only to beg pamasahe to mama the following day. Whenever I am short of budget, I'd resort to walking, feeling how my shoes held on since it would surely breakdown in just several weeks. Kahit nga ata basic necessities, di ko na maafford eh. Except of course the gimmick, I'd be willing to compromise myself just to attend one of the contingents.

---

Anyway, I think I am already a part of the majority who suffers the sever economic depression happening to our country nowadays. Mama would always complain about how the car consumes more fuel that what she had anticipated. She would even tell me not to open the TV and the computer at the same time since our electric bill charges us with an equally horrendous amount. If the VAT and the additional jeepney fare would push thru, I guess we would rather close the business than suffer even more with the looming crisis. I think this is too much, with such conditions... I cannot already see any bright future ahead of us.

---

My Aunt told me that we're not the only ones suffering.

All newspaper publications cry out for mercy from the rising operational expenses. I heard from our entertainment editor that several companies had instituted a cash advance scheme of payment since they cannot afford to pay their staff. Others resorted to mass layoffs, which left tens of journalists without jobs.

I said to my aunt... "unahan na lang to kung sino ang unang tutupi." Of course, we might consider ourselves one of the candidates, however we do have a fighting chance pa rin kahit paano. We need investors pero choosing one is like picking up a boyfriend among several promising suitors.

Bahala na siguro kung paano. I guess I'd push for applying for an extra job to support our growing expenses. I really hate it when I'm placed in a situation where I can't find a secure door out. Right now, I'm more pressured to survive with my family... even at the price of loosing everything my dad ever have.

---

I'm hooked with Downelink. Kasi naman si RC eh, binanggit pa sakin nung friday kaya tuloy gumawa na rin ako ng profile.

Never seen a site where I can find a lot and I mean a horde of goodlooking guys who shares my trip. Sayang nga lang, I'm in a relationship and my confidence level is absolutely below the minimum line kaya hayun, hanggang tingin tingin na lang ako.

---

Lastly, I find this habit of mine quite amusing.

Whenever I get really depressed or have this feeling of optimism, I'd look up in the sky to find some blue spots or a star over there. I'd spend several minutes enjoying that moment even if other people would find me weird or unusual.

Sometimes, finding a star or a blue spot on a cloudy day brings out some hope in me... that despite the odds I have to face, despite the seemingly hopelessness of the situation, as long as there is something in me that continues to dream and appreciate those little things in life, I'm still living. I am still surviving the fight.

Ikalawa

There were a lot of times when I would just brace myself because I felt that our end was near. I can't remember how many times, I thought of breaking up with him, just because my paranoia or disappointment towards him won't contain me. It was so long ago, when he came into my life... and as this day approaches, I can't help but wonder, how on earth did we survive even though at times, the feelings are already gone.

Last night, I was so upset after someone from PAG-IBIG came to office and demanded to see our documents. The truth is, I was so damn afraid that I'll get implicated because I am ignorant, or should I say, left with responsibilities that I am not ready to uphold. Anyway, when phanks and I met, we had this long debate whether our anniversary would fall on April 21st, or May 21st. He was insisting it was May, but I know how we started. I cherished every moment we've met during our eyeball. I still remember how we found each other in YM. With those vivid memories, how can I forget?

But phanks was not convinced. He was still insisting it was on the 21st of May.

Our argument just stopped, after he felt that I am extremely troubled. Of course, he can't understand how the problems in the company really affected me. But he still is my guy, no matter how I hated him sometimes for being a bisexual flirt, he always console me whenever I am troubled.

---

Today is our 2nd year of being a couple.

I could still remember how our eyeball went, and how we ended up sleeping in motmot that evening.

Tonight, I was planning to bring my bud again in a motmot despite the fact that I needed to budget my remaining cash. But he insisted that he's hungry so I decided that we dine in the baywalk area instead.

Over our dinner consisting of Nilasing na Hipon and Spaghetti with Wings, we talked about the girl officemate who constantly seduced him to get into a relationship with her. We also talked about his closeted officemate who saw me last week when I went to fetch my bud somewhere in Manila. Bud said that he can't imagine a maangas-looking guy like me would end up being non-straight.

We never talked that much, but this date was far better than the anniversary date we had last year.

After our dinner, we strolled along baywalk then went to Malate to reminisce the old days, when we could just go there and have some fun ourselves.

But to tell you honestly, having your bud along reduces half of the fun you can have when you're with friends... so I don't usually bring my bud whenever I have my own night outs...

Anyway, we boarded an FX going to Monumento going home.

Inside the FX, I felt a serene comfort as I snugged on his back, despite the passengers beside us. We dozed off together, while our fingers held each other under the cover of his backpack.

In my dreams, I just wish that despite our growing rifts and differences; despite the feeling of confusion that I needed to let him go so that he could try his luck in having a heterosexual relationship (as I question my own homosexual preference) ; despite some occassional thoughts of going my own way, and seek my destiny alone among the stars...

I just wish that we could endure each other for another year. He's right when he said that our bond is remarkable because at this age, we should still be experimenting with other options. But we hold on - through a single but determined realization that without him or me in this relationship, we are nothing.

We might just be lost satellites revolving aimlessly on every planet we encounter.