TriNoma (Last Part)

Because you are the poetry that I am finding hard to compose...

- anonymous

---

Shrek 3 was hilarious from beginning to the end.

But the moment I stepped out of the theater, I felt a deep pang of emptiness stabbing my heart. When I tried to find its reasons, it turned out, it wasn't because of someone else. The emptiness was from me.

As usual, my companion was oblivious to my feelings. He was elsewhere, cheerfully checking out the guys wandering around the cinema area. I tried to look for him, but I decided that I'd be better off handling this feeling alone. In all the hang-outs I've been to lately, this one struck me deeply not because I found a perfect hang-out buddy, but because I felt an upheaval bound to be lost - after this TriNoma moment is finally over.

When he finally showed up, he appeared disappointed. When I asked him why, he told me that he wasn't checked out when he went to the bathroom. He blamed his zits for it, but I just told him that he's too brute-looking to be taken notice. I suggested that he should hang-out at G4M instead. After all, it is where his physical looks get the attention of excited bottoms.

Since it was nearing sunset when the movie had ended, we decided to take a stroll at the multi-level open air park. In fairness to its architects, the mini-jungle on the north side of TriNoma was something to behold. I should really congratulate Roy for a job well done. You see, he is part of the team who constructed the entire mall.

As we checked the newly-opened boutiques inside TriNoma, my companion said something. At first, he was hesitant to do so, but with much prodding and teasing, he eventually spilled the beans.

"I really had fun being with you," he told me, with his eyes hidden under his cap.

"Me too. I never felt so much freedom being with you pare. I hope we can do this more often."

"We will, that is, if we have the budget. But nevertheless, we will find time... to bond," he said.

"You know what, I really don't want this to end. For some reasons, I'd like to stay here a little longer but we both know we have to go home."

"Yeah," My companion took off his cap revealing his semikal hair.

"You said, you have been doing this all by yourself when you're in college right?"

"I do. Just to get in touch with myself. I am a solitary person - like you," I said.

"That's why we get along together. We are both meant for each other..."

"What did you say?" I asked him, with all my seriousness.

"Nothing, just joking," he answered defensively.

After that, there was silence between us again. I decided to call it a day, since I was getting tired already. We were about to part ways in front of SM North, when he insisted to accompany me home. I asked him what for. He didn't give any substantial reply.

Lali Puna's ethereal music played on my mp3 player while the FX we rode flew along Quezon Avenue going to Espana. The songs on my playlist were melancholic, distant and yet hauntingly peaceful reflecting the mood of the moment. If it was only possible to lean my back against my companion's chest, I would have done so just to capture the sense of tranquility as the sun continues to set in front of me.

The journey back home was uneventful at best - except that at least, I had someone with me. He may not be as talkative as Roy or some of my other friends, when we hang out together. But the guy I've been with today is someone closer to me more than anyone else.

"So we're finally home," he said.

"Yeah... I am home. Do you want to hang-out, I could sneak you in if you want," I offered to him.

"Thanks Joms, but its time for me to go. My objective for today was successful."

"So I was just your objective, is that what you mean?" I asked him while walking slowly towards the gate.

"Do you think it's the opposite? I was your objective pare."

"How come you are? I never thought of that," Puzzled with his reply, I decided to stop walking.

"We both know that I've been out of the picture ever since your 'big hit'. You know why? It's because I don't serve any purpose to you. I cannot be your tough side simply because your ghost - which has now spawned a monster continues to haunt you. This is a different case. You are not in a rebellion.

It took you weeks to slowly get out of your shell - and find strength to face him and your pain with all honesty and toughness I never imagined you have with you. You struggled, as your Mami A said lately. You may not win this struggle overnight but eventually you will - just like what you said to the guy who asked for your help to pull him up of his break-up early this month."

I was awestruck when he told me these things.

"You asked me out, not because you want me there - but because you wanted to integrate a part of yourself, that you thought you had already lost. You are me, and whatever we did at TriNoma was for you. May I ask, when was the last time you deliberately spent time with yourself at the mall?"

"I cannot remember. I hate going to the mall," I answered.

"You see? No wonder, you felt pain when you have realized that its all over - that all you had with you all along was an alter-ego, your other self."

"I know Darkstar, I know," I finally blurted out.

"But you know what, If you're just for real, I wouldn't have looked for someone else. You are my perfect companion."

"Of course, because you are me. And you know what Joms, so long as you won't look first into yourself instead of looking at someone else, you would always stumble whenever your emotions are vulnerable."

"I know, that's why I created you."

"But I'm not there all the time, remember?"

"Yeah... Darn, if only you're real."

"I will satisfy your deepest fantasies Joms. I'd tie you up and lick you from your butt all the way to your nape. hehe."

"Enough of that you horndog. I just wish nobody does that to me - for real."

"I know, it would be a gloomy monday for you tomorrow, but just for the sake of feeling good, always remember this date you had and always tell yourself that you're man enough to face him. Your stoned heart, will eventually catch you later."

"Thanks Darkstar."

After that, I imagined him walking in front to look at me - just like when I look at myself in the mirror brimming with confidence.

"Love yourself and you will love me. If I am for real and you're my buddy, I'd be the happiest man alive. Remember, I will always be with you."

And then he walked away, never looking back while the sun finally surrenders its last rays of sunlight and Darkstar's silhouette embraces the coming of the night.

Fenzi One

This is the Darkstar speaking


If not for me,
you will still be
"sick" right now.
Be "happy,"
the "rebel" in you
decided to make
its presence felt.

First Bomb Of April

Lesson Learned:

Never leave a very restless Mugen along Shaw Boulevard at 3:30 in the morning. Armed with untamed instinct and combined with a very deep pocket, his first act of attrition is to seek an expensive quick-fix, somewhere in the heartland of Kalentong.

---

When everything settles down , I'm sure, I'd regret throwing away too much for something, that is supposed to be my perk all along.

This is evolution taking over me.

Eyes Wide Shut

If my words are sacred,

"I have to tell you something," He said. "Anu yun dude?" I asked him, with already a half guess sprouting in my mind. "Wag na lang..." was his reply. Apparently, he was having second thoughts of spilling the beans. Then everything became quiet. "Ano nga yun," I insisted a couple of times. But he was really hesistant, so there was silence again. Suddenly, without any warning, he held my hand and put it firmly and forcefully between his legs. I felt a massive bulge. "Would this mean anything to you?" He asked. At that moment, I was virtually powerless to make any reactions. Never did I guess that I would eventually reach the point, where I try to consciously and persistently avoid this past few months.

The rest, of course, is all but wet dreams. I wish though that no complications would wake me up from my sweet slumber later.

Then consider me the same heretic who
desecrated and did acts of taboo,
thus virtually destroying everything that
I stood for, from the beginning of time.

The Cruelties Of Hook-Ups

Palawan 2, Cubao Quezon City:

---

Guy: Labas Tayo

Me: Ok.

Sa labas... small talk.

Guy: San tayo

Me: Ah eh.

Darkstar: Fuck ka naman joms, patay malisya ka pa eh.

Guy: Gusto mo mag-check in. (whispering)

I suddenly realized that we're steps away from an apartelle

Me: Smiling... wala akong pera tol eh.

Guy: Sagot ko

Darkstar: Kumagat ka na, I'm horny dude.

Pulsar: Horny rin ako, pero wag yan.

Darkstar: Sige na, maganda naman ang katawan, diba tinitigan mo nung naghubad ng shirt sa taas?

Mugen: Pwede nang ulam, moreno nga lang. Ahe.

Pulsar: Wag yan, effem yan.

Darkstar: Ayaw mo niyan, for a change ikaw ang isusuck, malay mo bottom pa.

Mugen: Argh...

Guy: Ano dude. Ako na bahala sayo.

Darkstar: Tanungin mo kung top o bottom

Pulsar: Bottom yan. 100% ako sure. Nangangamoy kasi eh.

Mugen: Horny nga rin ako eh. Libre pa...

Pulsar: Ayaw. jakol ka na lang pag-uwi.

Darkstar: Wag ka na maarte. Palay na ang lumalapit sa manok o? Yaw mo nun.

Pulsar: Pasok tayo sa loob. Maraming cute dun.

Darkstar: Huh, sige na nga.

Me: Pass muna ako dude, pasensya na. (kahit pwede ka na.)

---

Obviously, the guy was devastated. He even can't say his name when I finally introduced myself as I left to go back inside the club. This lesson, which I sacredly followed ever since I began getting hook ups at bars taught me never to strike first and let the other party do the bidding. A hook-up rejection is something I still consider a very humiliating and ego crashing experience. I'd rather not approach someone, especially if I know that my chances are slim, despite the far possibilities of getting the prize through cool approach and unsuggestive conversation.

I immediately left the place the moment I got out of his net. Good thing, he never persisted or followed me inside because either he would be further humiliated or, I might overturn my initial decision.

If there's any realization I've got from my three-bar expedition tonight, it's that the rules of the flirting game - whether it's in the high end places like Government and Bed, or in the far end ones such as Palawan 2 and many others, never changes.

It's either you allow yourself to bite someone's bait, or you stand your ground - resisting even the slightest provocation from someone that will trigger the naughty side of you.

Back at Mister Piggy's a long time ago, I have a couple of casuals that started this way. Almost all of them were born out of desperation - the need to belong to someone even for a few hours or minutes just to me feel better. At Palawan last night, the same longing feeling emerges as I soon discover that everyone's partnering up around me. But times have changed. I know what I want now, and I'm more capable of controlling myself - even when my human need weakens my ability to reason my actions.

The guy, hopefully, have found a better alternative when I left. As for me, at least I'm happy that somehow, despite the tension, I managed to get out and return home in one piece.

Besides, all my academic objectives have been met. I'd just be counting hours before I begin writing what I saw in my bar tour. Such feat, especially since I've done this alone deserves a sanctified ending.

---

Darkstar: Paano kung yung katabing trip mo ang nag-aya sayo sa motel, kakagat ka ba o aatras.

Pulsar: Isipin mo na lang callboy yun. Hihiga lang yun at mag-eexpect na ikaw ang magtratrabaho. Walang kiss at hug daw.

Darkstar: Pasira ka talaga ng diskarte!

Pulsar: Shempre, naka-iskor ka na eh, kelangan ko naman bumawi.

Mugen: Siguro nga, mas masisikmura ko pang magtrabaho para sa kanya,* kesa naman sa iba na wala akong attachments whatsoever.

Mugen: Tsaka at least sa kanya, matapos ang lahat, matutulog kang may yayakap at lalambing sayo. Sa iba, pagkatapos ng putukan, uwian na.

---

* Punks

Big Mac

And the minotaur came banging against the sacred door.

Blag!

Blag!

The door gently opens...

but the raging bull still wants

to force itself within

Blag!

Blag!

Finally, the beast enters.

Slowy, and triumphantly.



Blag!

And then suddenly,

there was a huge explosion, a big big explosion

just outside the door.

Everything is over in just a blink of an eye.

Just then, I realized that myths aren't as exciting,

unlike when they are told in stories.

It may have been worthwhile as it was happening, but,

never within the confines of the homecourt, ever again.

The Warlord's Notebook

14 November, 2345 hours


Our scouts spotted the third army waiting for us southeast of the capital city this evening. We have to admit that this force is too strong for our defenses to hold. Fortunately another army appeared over the horizon, and it served as a distraction for the army waiting for us. It was a three-pronged battle that ended in a stand-off. Good for us or else our forces would have fought three battles today.

News coming from Mugen City reports that the increased military presence prevented the situation to get out of control and become a revolution. The rage felt by our citizens over two media disks remains high, despite assurances from the imperial court that things are under control.

Who would have thought that such forbidden objects carelessly left by our ally's emissary beside the imperial throne would create so much havok, it would encourage the extremely restless citizens to bear arms. What we've in our hands is a war within our realm and a war outside our borders. Our ally, despite our countless plea for help could only offer their apologies. I have my own thoughts about this response from them, but out of respect to the Jomanian Emperor, I should keep my silence about this.

I just hope that the people would remain calm and someday forget the incident that started this all. Honestly, I don't want to see the empire crumbling simply because its people decided that they need change. If ever that happens, our ally would crumble as well because of it.

Nevertheless, a state of war still exist and the military will remain on high alert for any civil disturbances or another invasion coming from elsewhere. Looking at my men sleeping inside their tents at night, I still wonder whether these good soldiers still feel any guilt whenever they score a bloody victory over enemy forces at the expense of our long time ally.

May the war end soon so that we could resume our normal lives again. Being in the front lines is not an easy task. To be honest, I would rather stay in one of the imperial buldings arguing with the head minister of the peace party about our foreign policy. It's much better planning over wars that might be fought than fighting a war you have never expected like today.

Until our future remains uncertain we would keep to our post and patrol over our borders.

I remain,

Drake Starre

General, Imperial Jomanian Armed Forces

Chatmate

Darkstar and Pulsar chatting in one computer:

---

Pulsar: Nais kong magsenti ngayon tungkol sa makabago ngunit napaka-pamilyar na mundong pinakita sa akin ni Mami Athena kaninang hapon. Hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwalang ganun kalawak ang iniikutang space nung babaeng yun.

Darkstar: Ang alin? ang pagsama mo sa kanya sa radio station para manood kung paano mag-voice dub ang mga talents?

Pulsar: Oo. Astig diba? Sinong mag-aakala na makikilala natin ngayong hapon ang nag-dub kay Sailormoon nung unang season niya sa ABC-5.

Darkstar: Sabagay, paano naman ako, marami rin akong kwento ah!

Pulsar: Ang alin? Ang lagi niyong chat ni theTripper sa YM tuwing tanghali?

Darkstar: Oo. Dami akong natututunan sa kanya kahit na marami dun hindi ko pa naapply kahit noong kapanahunan ko pa. Diba, ang trabaho mo lang nuon ay makipagsentihan para mayakap mo yung taong kalaro ko?

Pulsar: Oo. Masama ba? Buti nga ako nangyayakap, at least nagkakaroon ng attachment sa pagitan naming dalawa nung kalaro mo.

Darkstar: Sabagay... nakakamiss no. Gusto kong maglaro ulit. Parang trip ko tanungin kay Macoy kung saan ang CB.

Pulsar: Wala akong balak sumama sa mga plano mo. Mas mabuti pang makipagkwentuhan na lang ako kay Redguy o kaya kay Tech Support.

Darkstar: Okey, mahina ka nga pala. Ikaw ang naattach at naguiguilty sa pagitan nating dalawa.

Pulsar: Anyway, wala lang. Ganun pala sa loob ng recording room. Dapat at ease ka para makapag-voice over ka ng maraming characters. Galing nila no? Para silang naglalaro lang. Mga matatandang babae, nagboboses batang lalaki. Yung mga lalaki naman, nagiging boses mayor, tatay at with matching paiyak-iyak pa. Nakita mo naman siguro yung isang audio compilation ng Gabi ng Lagim sa tabi ni Mugen diba?

Darkstar: Yep, at wala akong pakielam. Abala ako sa paghahanap ng date.

Pulsar: Oo, at ginagawa mong excuse yan para mas maging active sa G4M.

Darkstar: Masama ba? Eh yun lang ang paraan para hindi mo ako pigilan eh. Tsaka ayaw kong maging utak domesticated katulad mo. Hindi ko balak maging pusa habambuhay.

Pulsar: Sabagay, maganda naman ang hangarin mo eh... kahit alam kong pasimple kang lumalandi doon.

Darkstar: Paano ako lalandi, ginawa mong friendship ang hinahanap ko dun. Kung di ka ba naman siraulo eh!

Pulsar: Pero alam mo, miss ko na mag-clubbing.

Darkstar: Ako rin, miss ko na mag BED o kaya GOV. Lalo pa ngayon, buff na si Mugen.

Pulsar: Di bale, sa birthday ni Badinggerzie, mamamakla tayo. Malay ba natin kung sino ang mane-network ni Mugen.

Darkstar: Pwede makipaglandian? Sige na.

Pulsar: Hindi. Mahiya ka naman, birthday party yun.

Darkstar: Paano, kung malasing ako? Sasabihin mo hindi natin ginawa eh ikaw itong hindi pumapalag pag nagwawala na si Mugen.

Pulsar: Lasing nga tayo, paano ako makakaresist. Pinaalala mo na naman si Euphoria Boy. Diba sabi ko sayo, walang may kasalanan sa kanya? Pareho tayong labas dun.

Darkstar: Sabagay. Namimiss mo pa rin siya diba?

Pulsar: Hindi. Pero nakatago pa rin sa akin ang number niya.

Darkstar: Kitams.. Lambot mo, isang gabi lang yun...

Pulsar: ....

Pulsar: Paano, hanggang dito na lang men. Kailangan pang mag-upload ng MP3 ni Mugen para mapalitan niya yung gym sounds niya para bukas. Maawa ka naman sa tao na isang linggo nang kulang sa tulog.

Darkstar: Sige, sabi mo eh. Malakas ka sakin... pero, torrid mo naman ako. Wehehe.

Pulsar: Gagu! Pati ako papatusin mo. Itigil mo na nga ang G4M mo. Tsaka maging good example ka kay Firekid ha. Bata ko yun.

Darkstar: Opo master. Pero, aminin mo, gusto mo rin naman ako diba. Ilang beses mo sinabi kay Mugen na nababakla ka na sa picture na naka-post dun sa huling Bunny Interludes niya.

Pulsar: Biro lang yun. Naniwala ka naman...

Darkstar: Sabi mo eh. Basta wag kang kokontra pag nakakarelate ako sa storya ni Macoy at Tripper ha.

Pulsar: Magsama kayong tatlo pare. Log off na tayo.

Darkstar: Sure, inaantok na ako. Tama ng entry to.

Pulsar: Okay. Hanggang sa muling chat tol.

-- Log Off --

Pulsar In Control

This is the Darkstar speaking.

G4M Member: Tiga saan ka Sampaloc. Ako sa Balic Balic, meet tayo.

Me: Anong gagawin natin pag nag-meet tayo?

...G4M Log Out....

Actually, sa tanda kong ito, obvious naman ang reasons mo para makipag-meet up eh. First message mo pa lang sa akin, gusto mo Fk kita kaagad. Halatang hindi ka nagbabasa ng profile ng mga sinisilip mo tsong. Nabighani ka ba ni Patrick Starfish? Kaya nga siya ang nilagay ko na main pic ko instead na face-pic ko eh para isipin ng mga tao dun na harmless ako. Na hindi sex ang hanap ko. Kung tutuusin harmless naman talaga ako eh, wag ka nga lang gagawa ng dahilan para ilabas ang pangil at kamandag ko.

Honestly dude, I'd never think twice of Fking you if that's what you want. I find you goodlooking and interesting. You seem to be well off as well, sarap mo siguro i blind-fold sabay igagapos kita sa kama. Hindi kaya matakot ka sa kayang gawin ko sayo? Sabi ko naman sa chat natin, delikado ako makipaglaro. I'd actually forget that I'm a better bottom, if you really really wish to feel what it means to squirm. Pero, given the peaceful order of things which prevents me from becoming very restless and extremely frustrated that most certainly lead to a display of uncontrolled surge in libido, I'd pass the opportunity dude. I'd rather refer you to some other guys I know.

Besides, my better conscience, Pulsar, is in control right now. He took every precaution to make sure that the tower of power won't shoot any laser beam tonight. As for me, I'd rather read and follow the notty adventures of Macoy and Tripper. At least I know, somebody out there is playing the games I once played when Mint and Mister Piggy's used to be my playground.

Confidential Letter

General:

As of this afternoon, the shock troops from your fourth regiment had positioned themselves very close to the border. Upon your orders, they are prepared to conduct incursion raids against allied territory without their supreme leader ever finding out that it was us who conducted such attack. However, the weather seems to be against our favor. Not only it thwarted our tacticians plan of raid, it also left our war machine in complete disarray. It seems that for some reasons, it would be a folly to cross the border especially now that some of our ministers think that such incursion would be a disaster. Our army appears to be low on morale as well and casualties might get out of hand once we push thru with our attack.

The planned incursion has been called off. But I assure you that the war is not over yet. Until the Phanksmaster declares peace, we shall remain close to the borders, ready for such raid if time would allow us.

There would never be Emancipation Acts this time. The raids would only remind us that, no matter how down our spirits are, we are still capable of striking back and striking hard anytime we want. The justification might be distorted and unacceptable to others, but as long as the raid serves as a buffer between our capital and their growing influence, then we shall go on... protecting what must be protected - never looking back at the damage that we might possible do along the way.

For the Jomanian Empire,

Agent Sky Blue

Letter Of Acknowledgement

This is the Darkstar speaking...

---

You reached out to someone only to be ignored. That can pass. You reached out again to the same person only to be ignored again.. That's disheartening. Once again, after several weeks of worrying, you reached out to the same person again, in hopes that you could convey your simple message that says "I am here, friend." But what did you get, another dead reply. Don't you get it? You sound so pathetic this time, and even I can't help but be sorry for your ass.

So what's your reason this time? Is it because you think too much of the favors he had given you in the past, so that you're trying your best to be present, now that there's a chance to show your gratitude back to him? Is it because you consider your pakisama and that you want to tell him that yourself - even in a simple SMS messsage? You know what, you should listen to me when I say enough is enough. Don't be too concerned to people who wouldn't show you concern at all. Don't waste your time reaching out, when the person doesn't want to be reached at all.

You say that you're only asking for a little acknowledgement? What if the person doesn't want you to exist in his life, what then is in store for you? You see, they are right sometimes. You are so damn nice, that there's a chance for you to be abused when your barriers are very low. I even have to speak to you directly so that you would FINALLY listen.

Let go if you must let go. Don't look back in your happy histories if that's what would make you bitter in the future. And next time, don't care when others don't want your care. Your life is too complicated already to think about the people next to you.

Who wouldn't even care to return the favor by merely acknowledging your concern.

I Am The Pack You Are Looking For

This is the Darkstar speaking...

So you had fun eh? Told ya, just be proud of yourself and the dancefloor will be yours. So what happened ba? You danced with an effem at Government... actually he danced at you, you just showed him how gentleman you are by guiding him whenever he gets down on you. A girl thought you were a bisexual. She even asked you to be her "boyfriend" for the night. Since it wouldn't have conflict with Phanks, you agreed to her proposal and instantly you became her chaperone. At BED, somebody gave you a beer, which you never found the nice person who gave you the drink until you left the place. But the beer he gave you, kicked you so hard, you were half drunk the entire time. You danced, like you never danced before. You met a new friend from G4M, who showed you so much accomodation you vowed to be his ally in that website. You went to the ledge, danced with a tranny again and left the place even before I could take over to make your night a little bit wilder.

We could have flirted with the drunk guy you liked, but you decided to supress me so that you won't feel guilty after.

But I have to agree, it was your night men!

I hope that whatever ecstasy you felt there would be enough to lift up your crushed soul.

Now that you have finally enjoyed the fruits of your work out,

why not develop yourself some more? Who knows, you might rise up even greater than you have ever been, when you and I were bestfriends in Mint before.

And His Name Was Euphoria

Because his, was such an extraordinary moment,
I have to write in order to free myself from the attachment.

---

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning

---

It was already dawn. The sun was beginning to rise in the east turning the black sky into indigo blue. The air was relatively humid despite the fact that I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite somewhere inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. It was a sight to behold, the wooden, ornate fixtures were stuffs I could only see when I'm daydreaming. I could just close my eyes and play Chicane's "No Ordinary Morning" again and again inside my head.

Beside me was him, the guy I danced with at Government the night before. We were both half-naked. Nothing happened so far since he was terribly tired and drunk after dancing for hours and hours at the bar, while I was just waiting for things to happen. I told myself never to be aggressive this time - since this act is something way beyond my moral values.

It was like I am in a dream. I am neither Pulsar nor my shadow friend Darkstar. I am beyond those personas I have created for myself. In fact, I think I was someone different, someone I wished to be. Someone I would like to be in the future. All night, he snored so loud that I wasn't able to sleep. Instead, I just contented myself hugging him and stroking his forehead and chest. After all, I think the reason he invited me in the first place is to have a companion, someone who would make him feel better. Sex, is just an extra perk.

Besides, after spending all these years being a follower to... I think I deserve to express this side of mine. It never happened before. Nobody has ever taken me to a plush suite in my entire life - except when my mother's sister would invite me to spend a vacation with her while she attends a conference in some faraway place away from home.

I guess this moment is something I would never have a chance to experience again.

When he woke up several hours later, he was in a rush. He said his colleagues would check him out anytime. So I asked him if I have to dress up already. He never said a word. Instead, I returned back to hugging him like someone unfamiliar yet so close to me. Soon, he put his arms around my head and started guiding me down...

...down to where the deed would surely have to happen.

---

The deed was done, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turns out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what I have initially assumed. At first he thought that I am a top myself. But when I told him that I am not. It lead to something I rarely do nowadays. All that mattered to me was the experience - the moment. If Darkstar was driven by hate and pain and Pulsar is controlled by guilt and morality, this daydream persona never felt anything - only the lucidness of being somewhere between dreams and reality.

Before I left, we had a small talk. It happened because I showed him the entire contents of my pocket. He asked me why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, might as well show him that I never took anything out, in case he might wonder. That small act of honesty which he appreciated lead to deeper conversations. Soon I was telling him about my life, my past and he told me a little about himself. He told me that he has a girlfriend; That I have confirmed he is a physician and that he is far older than what I have expected.

But his face and figure doesn't look like one.

He asked me what are my plans for the future. I told him that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he asked me if I am happy with my life. in which I said I am. Yet he replied that it appears that I am not. That his impression about me tells him that I am someone who likes to dwell in sadness, loves drama, and avoids the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to hide it.

I kept smiling but the silence consumes me.

Because part of what he said was true.

He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old; That he thinks of himself as handsome and appealing - which is true in many ways. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, whatever comes in his way. After all, happiness is what makes a person shine. Light mood makes a person content about himself.

We talked about a lot of things aside from that. I was even beginning to think that I was having a convesation with a philosopher who, after shagging me, freely gives his wisdom in return. He took my hands and brought me to the window. He showed me some bunch of trees at the back of the hotel and pointed at the lone Fire Tree that stands at the end of the pool. He said that the reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the rest is because it blooms with life. He then connected happiness with blooming and with life, which when I'm thinking right now, seems to have no connection at all. But whatever.

His last words were, " a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the non-blooming trees together with it, but only an extraordinary euphoric person could appreciate those non-blooming trees, more than the beautiful fire tree itself. So be happy always, don't clout your mind with negative thoughts."

And I remembered them word for word. No wonder he still fills my mind days after we met.

While we were talking, he gave me his number. I kept it, and he asked me to miss call him. But I told him that I am already low on battery and that I would just have to text him when I get home, which I did not do.

Tomorrow, he will about to leave for the south since he lives there all his life and whenever his thoughts surges in my mind, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.

But our lives are meant to end this way, I know that. It was a daydream moment, and I want it to end that way, no matter how I wanted to hear from him again before he leaves. I just have to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...

So I hugged him tight for the very last time and told him how much I appreciate his company. This time, his aloofness was replaced by compassion. We never kissed, yet at that moment, I felt his soul closest to me.

I just hope that while in his slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my thoughts.

For The Yaya Sisterhood

How do you find happiness:

When you exert an effort just to make a phonecall to your lover, only to ignore it and make an excuse that he's so very busy that he even can't place a miss call during his lunch break.

When you feel that you're being used. That your lover doesn't appreciate you or your efforts and all those things he have said seemed to be superficial - that it begins to appear that they were uttered just to appease your feelings.

When you realize that it was you who tries to hold on; that it was you who tries to make it work despite the rifts that are beginning to separate you from him.

When you feel that everything he does for you becomes conditional.

---

I once posted an advise in Pinoyexchange about a guy who had issues about his uncaring and unappreciative boyfriend.

I told him that he should think about himself first before he waste his life to his lover - who doesn't seem to realize the sacrifices his buddy is giving to him.

I told him to do everything in his capacity to make himself feel better; That he would have a life beyond the borders of his lover's.

Because at least, his freedom would have been mine. In his possible actions, I might feel my own liberation.

---

But enough is enough.

I have known to strike back when I feel pain, I have been a fighter and I will always be one.

Like what I've said,

When Phanks doesn't see me.

Others might will.

In my quest to make myself feel better.

To make myself feel needed, even just for a little while.






This afternoon, I decided to strike back.

Matters Of The Self

Of all the things I could never tolerate, one would be phanks telling me how fat and ugly I am, and how he declines whenever I asked him to bot me.

Sometimes, when I could hear Darkstar whispering in my ear, all my heart could understand is him telling me to strike back, strike hard and striking deep.

What if I give phanks a very good lesson about respect and sensitivity?

What if I give him a dose of his own medicine by putting his very own physical insecurity on the spotlight?

Would he understand then my feelings whenever he tears my confidence apart?

Right now, I feel so upset. I feel so used and unappreciated.

No wonder, sometimes when I am tempted to fuck around,

I don't feel guilty anymore.

Just Like In The Movies

The boy suddenly barges on the door, rousing the guys sleeping on the floor.

It was a very ungodly hour and no thanks to his restlessness, he tried the place he discovered two nights ago, believing what he thought possible could happen there.

Since most of the men were still sleeping, those who were alerted to his presence were the first to respond. There were no galleries like they say in the movie. It was just a plain, blank room devoid of anything that would resemble a place where fast and sweet fun happens.

---

The boy choses the most immediate guy his finger could point at. There's no time to choose since there wasn't any good options in the first place.

Then they proceeded upstairs where the rooms waited. It was a small room with a white mattress on the floor.

There were lights included, but what the heck! Nobody needs a light in the shadow of carnal instinct. The guy told the boy to take his clothes off. The boy obediently followed. But the guy insisted that he include his pants because it would prevent his body from recieving pleasaure.

So the boy followed, believing he would find heaven in such a dark, cramp space.

---

The boy lied down.

While the guy started stretching and flexing the boy's feet and legs. The smell of lotion was extremely unpleasant, but the guy's soothing voice eases the uncomfortability and the cold felt by the boy.

As the guy's strong hands begin to ascend the boy's body, they began to have a conversation. The guy tells the boy that he was his first client for the past four days and that times are harder lately. The boy noticed his big muscles, which the guy proudly says was product of work-out. But due to his nocturnal work, he had no choice but to stop it.

The guy said he used to work in another place called Magnifico or something like that. Way before he used to work in the production department of Blue Magic, the boutique who sells stuff toys and other trinkets which were popular during the boy's high school years.

It was a short rousing conversation indeed, the boy so excited in fulfilling one of his innermost fantasy, asked the guy to take his white tops off. The guy followed. Soon the boy was asking again the guy to take his shorts off so that it would be fair to the boy who was freezing from the temperature.

Again, the guy granted his request.

---

Thing began to get hot when the guy started working the boy's chest, in his quest for action the boy suddenly asked the guy for a hug... a real tight bear hug. After all, it was what he needed from all the stresses he was getting lately. A hug from some stranger is all that mattered to him. The fun was just a bonus.

The guy gladly granted the boy's request... It was indeed a big, intimate hug he got from the guy. But like in the movies, everything has a price. The extra service they offered comes in a hefty price.

The boy thought that the extra service would never be that pricey. He thought he would get everything for a much affordable price. But the guy insisted that what the boy offered was too small. Instead heoffered his no-holds barred service for a thousand bucks - a price the boy never expected and is not prepared to pay.

With his three hundred bucks remaining, the boy asked the guy what service he would get. Being a good and friendly boy he was, the guy gave him slight reprieve by offering a romantic foreplay instead. With the boy crossing the point of no return, he settled for the foreplay than never getting anything at all.

---

The foreplay was hot based on the boy's standards. It was a nice intro for a porn movie with forced actors doing the acts themselves. In fairness to the guy, the boy claimed he was a good kisser. Perhaps he said, he would learn something from him.

For 30 minutes they had fun. The guy was clear on his rules of engagement and no matter how the boy asked to play more with the guy, the guy just turn his pleas on the sides.

When everything was over. The guy gave him a one final kiss. The boy responded by another hug, which he comes to enjoy doing to the guy. The boy found out that the guy actually had a wife and a kid. Unfortunately, their relationship ended abruptly when the girl left to work in Japan.

---

An hour close to dawn, the boy left the place he just discovered. It was good while it lasted, and the experience made him more aware of the future that may lie ahead if he decides to pursue such track. As he crossed the street. He saw Darkstar standing. Having a smoke outside the place where the boy's granny lie in state.

After showing a gesture of confused satisfaction, the boy smiled and then suddenly disappeared. Leaving Darkstar alone.

Staring at the sky and breathing a sigh of relief in a thought lost in mind as he embraced the cold lonely air of the night.

Beloved

Darkstar's Perpetual Rule On Love:


fuck me hard
when we first meet
and if u like me
and u need a relationship,
I might love you back.
I will build us
as long as you bond with me
and make me feel that you
need me.
make love to me
every week and I
will always be yours
as long as you want me to.
I will be your man,
your woman
your best friend
and even your most
reliable security blanket.
tell me always
how you love me
and I will respond back
by showing how devoted
and committed I am to you.
I am your warrior
and your motherly figure. I will
take care of you when you
are afraid, depressed
or even confused.
I am your guardian.
that will protect you against
anything that might harm you.
in my mind, Id even dream of adopting
you as my own kid...
because I think of you as my
other part.
your partner.
and your tag team buddy in life.

what I only ask from you
is to never fuck someone
behind my back
cause if you do,
I will simply take back
what is mine
and leave you without
turning to look back.
always remember,
someone else out there
can fuck better than you.
he's just searching
for a guy like me.
always remember that sex is
easy. loving and
attachment is the hard part.
cause its not easy to be in love
with someone
without the delusions
of infatuation.

when i love you
it only means one thing..
i love you more than
i love myself.

.

There's no monogamous relationship after all.

It seems like my buddy has a darker side... A side which my Darkstar only knows. I know I should not get bitter about it... I know I should not feel pain when I found it.

My buddy knows how to play behind my back

And I have witnessed it with my own eyes.

Now, how do I deal with it?

Should I unleash Darkstar once and for all


... and let it reign in my heart forever?

Tatsulok

Well, what can I say... Im just merely human.

Emancipation Act

...