Glint Of Starlight

May Viagra na pala sa Davao City mga suki.

Ayon sa ating mga sources, P80 bawat piraso ang halaga ng nasabing sex pill.

Para sa mga Pinoy na may problema sa kanilang ibong adorno, chicken feed lamang ang nasabing presyo.

Iyon nga lamang, duda tayo kung kakagatin ng mga Pinoy ang nasabing produkto.

Alam ninyo naman ang ating lahi, mas problema natin kung papaano magpapalambot kaysa sa pagpapatigas.

o0o

Tama lamang sa kano ang produktong Viagra.

Kalahati sa kanilang male population ay baklain at ang natitirang kalahati palambutin.

Sabi nga ng isa nating babaeng kaibigan na sukat na pumatol sa kano, para raw matandang uugod-ugod ang sa kano.

Kailangan umanong hawakan at akayin upang matumbok ang daan na ibig tahakin.

Hindi katulad anya ng sa Pinoy; kahit na patay ang ilaw, basta't butas, pasak!

Suwak!

o0o

Bakit klik ang Viagra?

Susme, parang hindi na kayo nasanay sa ating male population.

Pumasok kayo sa loob ng simbahan, karamihan sa mga nakaupo at nagdarasal ay mga bata at mga kababaihan.

Ang mga kalalakihan? Nasa pinto ng simbahan. Naninigarilyo. Seryosong may pinaguusapan.

Pupusta tayo, ang topic ng kanilang usapan kung hindi pulitika ay kalibugan at agham.

At kung may kelot na nagdarasal sa loob ng simbahan, ang kaniyang dasal ay hindi ang pag-ulan ng kuwarta.

Iyon ay ang pag-ulan ng mga Osang Roces, Ara Mina, Piel Morena, Izza Ignacio, Aya Papaya, Rita Pukersiya etc.

o0o

Noong ating kapanahunan, madalas nating itanong sa ating sarili kung tayo ay sex maniac.

Kase ba naman, binubuliglig tayo suki ng mga ala-ala nina Eva Marie, Scarlett Revilla, Rizza at kung sinu-sino pa. Dose oras na sila lamang ang laman ng ating utak.

Nagtanong tayo sa ating mga kaibigan. Napailing sila. Naawa sa atin.

Abnoy daw tayo.

Sila kasi ay twenty four hours na pinagpapantasyahan ang mga chicks na ito.

o0o

Ngayong tayo ay magkaroon ng anak na lalaki ay madalas nating itanong sa ating sarili kung ano kaya ang kanyang iniisip.

Sabi nga ng commercial; what's on your mind?

Kamakailan ay natuklasan natin ang kanyang pinapangarap. Nagsalita siya habang nanaginip.

Marahil ay ito rin ang laman ng utak ng mga kabataan sa ngayon.

Ano iyon?

Pentium 2 300 (MHz),
32 MB-RAM
1.44 MB FDD
2.0 GB HDD
2 MB Video Card
SVGA Colored Monitor,
with server

Ayon sa kanya, kung ibig niyang makipag-usap sa kanyang kapwa kabataan ay mayroon silang chatline, kung ibig niyang sumulat ay may E-mail, at may strategy games siyang pinaglalaruan na "laro umano ng may utak."

Siya umano ay naka-on line

Tang'na, weirdo na talaga ang mga kabataan!

Nawala na ang mga curacha sa kanilang isipan.

o0o

Remate Tonight
May 30, 1998
Columm Title: Viagra 2

---

It was the dawn of a new age. Internet has just arrived in the country. To ride with the changing times, I wrote a letter to my dad requesting him to upgrade my desktop computer.

The letter was written in a juvenile and haphazard fashion. I just graduated from a state-funded high school and the prospects of competing in an upscale university made me a little insecure with my resources. I do not remember the contents of my letter, but I emphasized the need for an upgrade so I could catch up and be at the forefront of the information age.

He didn't respond to my letter. I thought that my plea was rejected.

In truth, I sought to have a computer upgrade so I could play all the strategy games that has become my addiction during those days: Civilization 2, Master of Orion: Battle At Antares, Transport Tycoon, Warcraft 2, etc. I needed a computer with faster processing abilities so I can out-guy every computer geek I would meet in school. He didn't find out my ulterior motives, but nevertheless, he took no interest to my appeal.

Until I found out weeks later that he made reference to my letter in his daily columns.

My dad was a writer - a prolific and respected one during his lifetime. Many political personalities sought his opinion on how to reach out to the masses - the maralita who understood his every word. My dad and I never saw each other eye to eye, but now I understand that despite his imperfections and shortcomings, he did his best to ensure that we will have a future that is better than his broken and sad childhood.

The wise men of the ancients said to honor thy parents' name even after they have long past, for in their noble memory one finds peace and contentment in life. It took me two years and a dream encounter to finally settle the scores that kept us cold and distant in the twilight days of his life.

Four years and an online journal that could stand up to his tabloid writings, I give honor to my father by letting his voice resonate throughout the endless corners of cyberspace.

Sana ang kanyang kaisa-isang naiwang column sa akin ay magpapatunay na kahit magkaiba man ang naging direksyon ng aming buhay, hindi kailanman nawala ang pag-ibig namin sa wika.

Mabuhay ka dad. In a few years time, ang naging boses mo ay magiging boses ko na rin.

Just Because They Deserve To Burn

My brother and I were playing golf at the South Course of Valley. We were on the 3rd hole, and we see two golf carts going past us, overtaking our flight, and setting up to tee off on the next hole. My dad goes up to them and asks them why they would do that, why they would overtake us without even asking for our permission.


We learn from the great men of the past that power comes from the barrel of a gun. It is human nature. The more we have the ability to inflict terror and discomfort to those who cross us, the more we become aggressive with our behavior. I've seen this happen to my father. When his capacity to punch someone with his knuckles was replaced by his ability to draw his firearms, his eyes glimmered at the thought of the world bowing under his feet.


Someone breaks up the fight. I thought it was all over. The mayor shouts to his caddy: "Hindi nila kami kilala! Sabihin mo nga sa kanila kung sino ako!" And believe me, I had no idea who this person was. But now I know. He's the person who, with 4 other men, beat up my 56-year-old father and my 14-year-old brother. He's the person who sacks a pleading 14-year-old kid in the face. He's a person who, I am sure, is gonna rot in hell.


I heard dad said those words before. He was a very influential man who could bring down a reputation of someone powerful than him. With hundreds of thousands of proles, tambays, and sex maniacs reading his column everyday, he was a force to reckon with. This fueled the fire that drives his arrogance and sense of invincibility. At one point in his life, bodyguards surrounded him. Every seedy nightspots in the red-light city was his to choose from. And god, the people who shook his hands were the overlords of this forsaken country. That was the life he had.

Until it was taken away by the same forces he shook hands with one September night.


Him and his friend pull my dad to the ground, pulls at his feet, and steps on him like he's dirt. I run to him and try to hold him back, holding him back by his shirt, while this other guy and this girl tries to stop me. She tells me to just stop it. I scream in her face "they're beating my father up and you want me to stop?!" I pull at his shirt--I don't let go. All I can see was my dad being trampled on. I didn't even see my brother getting beat up.


The raid commenced at the printing press and we, the ones in power were advised to hide. It was the first time I saw how powerless dad was to stop his enemies from destroying his emerging empire. Life is politics and had I been the one playing his game, I would have foreseen destruction before it came. It was pride and arrogance who destroyed my father and the months after that fateful night have seen how fortunes changed.


Sounds like something out of a movie, doesn't it? But this is what happened. TODAY. The day after Christmas. To my family. And all I ask for is JUSTICE. The people at Valley Golf did not seem to want to help us. None of the security guards even tried to stop the fight. Right in the clubhouse. I came back after the fight was over and talked to the receptionists. They say they did not see anything. The general manager of Valley Golf would not give us the names of the men who made my brother's ear bleed. It took him an hour. Maybe even more than that. He seemed to not want to help us. Because, we were against the SECRETARY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF AGRARIAN REFORM and the MAYOR NASSER PAGDANGANAN JR OF MASIU CITY, LANAO DEL SUR. They were all scared.


My father did some things I could never write. What I do know is that his brutality rivaled his capacity for kindness. Like all others who fell before him, it was power and sense of permanence that lead to his downfall. Humans have this impression that they can stay forever once they are on top. Unfortunately, those who stay forever are the ones who truly understand how fleeting everything is.

That power itself is bound to end.

In those days, I basked in my dad's power. I could drive someone away or open gates I could never open in my present state with just one ID. I walked along corridors with companions who are willing to defend me - at the command of my father. But never did, in my wildest dreams, get drunk with what I have.

Because I know, it will never be forever.

And now that a different energy empowers me, might as well put it to good use and prune those who deserve to be pruned. It's time to cut down excess branches and leave only those deem necessary.

I share my voice, and my blog as a testament that power may also come in shards of words.

For in the end, masters change.

What endures are humanity and respect for others.

---

Bambee Dela Paz's Blog
Dale Bacar's Blog

A Visit From The Afterlife

Our Christian belief tells us that there is life after death. Jesus Christ, as he was nearing his death in the crucifix assures one of the dying thieves who believe him that he will next open his eyes in Paradise. Other enlightened men would describe the afterlife as a garden of perpetual delights. It is a place where hatred and pain do not exist and time wounds itself to a complete stop. It is a place strolled by saints and angels and where joy and happiness never ends. No wonder, every living soul on earth is enticed to seek heaven's promise of eternal life.

Though I follow the way of the cross, I do not believe in the thought of heaven or hell. For me, they are merely abstract ideas put in place by men of religion to keep the people of all ages and creed hoping and dreaming of a better life beyond. Mom, in her infinite love would like us to stay together even in the afterlife. I would love to embrace her ideas, but at the back of my head, I would always wonder what good there is in a life without pain and struggle. What value there is in a soul that would stagnate in the passing of eternity.

For these reasons, I tend to embrace the eastern thought of afterlife. I would like to believe that a body is a mere vessel where the soul resides. In its countless cycle of rebirth across time, it learns, it matures and then at the end of its journey it blends with the source in what the sages call Nirvana. The thought of having a chance to atone for my mistakes comfort me. If only such path truly exist, then I would never fear death at all.

In all my life's searching, I find evidences that I might be an old soul on its way to a higher journey. That old voice speaks through Pulsar when I direct myself towards unearthly goals. However, I am aware that concepts are mere concepts. Reincarnation, heaven and soul might just be human ideas. Until I reach the end of my time, I will never know the truth about existence. It is these thoughts that keep me searching for my life's meaning.

However, there are signs that point towards the other direction. The afterlife might be an endless garden after all. Like I said in my other mustard seed entries, life is full of mysteries and no matter how we try to unravel them, new mysteries come up and will keep us wondering the metaphysical aspects of existence.

Take for example what happened last week. Dad appeared once again in my sleep. I have always known that my dearly departed loved ones pay me a visit in my dreams. It happened so many times before that I do not find their presence spooky anymore. However, it still bothers me when they visit - especially my father, who I believe should be on his journey by now.

The details of the dream are now blurry. All I remember is that we were cordial when we saw each other. We were talking about this certain newspaper that he manages. You see, he was a writer and a newspaper publisher all his life. After reading Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I envisioned my father's idea of heaven being a huge newsroom where he is the chief editor. If there is a grain of truth in Albom's thoughts, then perhaps, dad must be a publisher in the afterlife.

Anyway he said that he doesn't follow the news - like he used to when he was still alive. While telling his new preoccupations, I was turning the pages of the tabloid, that apparently he owns. What is unusual about this tabloid is that the masthead (the box where the list of staff members and editors of the newspaper are put) includes so many people. I think I even told dad that "andami mo namang tao, ngayon lang napuno ito ah!" before I was stirred from my sleep.

Like all dreams about him, I would have ignored this appearance for one reason: I do not know of any occasion where he would wish to be remembered. The last time I had a striking dream about him happened a week before his second death anniversary. It was where we finally settled our differences and found peace in the afterlife. Despite his regular visits to me, he never makes his presence felt to my mom or my sister in their sleep. Mom would say that maybe dad is still guilty of the things he did to her when he was still alive. I do not know. What I am sure of is that he passed away with dignity and love from the family he almost turned his back from.

It's been four years since he departed life and I still wonder why he remains in the realm of the living. Is there a possibility that his continued presence only proves that souls do not travel from one body to the next like what the eastern thought believes? Is it possible that his presence in our lives still has purpose since he left us with so many unfinished business that we need to fix ourselves?

Sometimes it is difficult to dive into metaphysical ramblings for I am left with so many questions that I cannot answer myself.

However, what separates this dream about my dad from the others I had before is that I was not the only one who saw his apparition that morning. A revelation by a house help while eating my lunch left a cold chill so intense, it made the strands of my hair point upwards for quite sometime:

---

Alam mo, napanaginipan ko yung papa mo kanina. Dumating daw siya tapos nagpapahanda ng ulam sa akin. Natandaan ko yung mukha niya kasi sa mga pictures sa sala. Hayun, niluto ko siya ng Tuyo at Sinangag. Sabi niya sa akin dun na lang daw siya kakain sa kwarto mo.

Peace Treaty In The Afterlife | Dream Journal Eight Repost

Note: This entry was written on the week of my dad's second death anniversary. The dream really took place, and I wrote every detail that I remembered the moment I got out of bed to face the computer screen. This entry marks a turning point, for as the blog bore witness months before his passing, we never saw each other eye to eye.

Father's Day has no relevance for me anymore. I don't have a dad that I can greet today. However, when Trey, Centurion and Odin sent their greetings on my blog's Cbox this morning, I felt compelled to look back and remember how we found peace at the borders of earth and the afterlife one night.

After this dream, dad never appeared in my sleep anymore. The dream also stirred my muses who inspired me to write a five-entry tribute to my dad, and how our lives intertwined during my final approach towards the threshold of adulthood.

There are times I still miss my dad, and long for the security he had given us now that I see myself being the man of the house. Many things have changed and many mistakes are now forgiven.

Looking back, the little voice inside my head was right when he gently whispered that in the long course of our brief lives, only love can endure the distance of space and the infinity of time.

Happy Father's Day to your dads.

---

Dear Dad,

The last time you appeared to me, we were both sleeping in one bed. Then you woke up, got up and without even speaking you straightened the sheets before you left. When I told this to everyone, they said that finally, our hostile relations are already thawing up for you never straightened bedsheets in your entire life.

Almost two years had passed and then suddenly we met again. This time, I was browsing some novels with Chinese characters in a bookstore. As I gently unwrapped the plastic cover in one of the books to check its contents, I saw you walking in one of the aisles. You were wearing a large grey shirt, your pants I could not remember. You're standing there looking at me.

Without saying a word, I ran towards you and hugged you very tight. It was a long, longing hug that I've been missing since you left. We also had a conversation, which I could not remember anymore. Perhaps, there were things you wanted to clear up, and I am certain we had an understanding. You may have some messages to everyone, but unfortunately, I was too overwhelmed by my regrets - of the years I showed you coldness and indifference that I forgot to remember your last words when I woke up.

However, those things don't matter anymore, for I believe that I have expressed to you my innermost feelings. When I woke up this morning, I could still remember your warm smile that was full of enthusiasm when we saw each other and how you told me never to tell anyone that we met, before you left.

I wanted to keep my mouth shut about the whole meeting, if not for the emptiness I am feeling right now.

But you know what, the moment I saw your familiar face - that big acne-punctured face of yours and that big, black rimmed eyeglasses that had become you, after two years of absence; the moment I ran towards you to give you a hug I've been longing to give; and the moment I remembered that warm smile of yours that melted the last icy walls the separated us.

I know, all the bitter things between us are finally over.

Because I woke up crying... for the first time after you passed away.





I remember you this Father's Day.

I love you very much dad.

Alternative Lifestyle

Nang minsang naging paranoid si Joms sa kanyang pagtanda... habang nagyoyosi break sa labas ng kanyang office:

---

What if,

Five years ago, nakadisgrasya ako ng babae?

At ang bunga ng pagkadisgrasyang yun ay ang pagkakaroon ng anak na lalaki? Siguro, pinangalanan ko siyang Joem Endymionne. At dahil, maaring nag-explore rin ako sa aking bagong sexuality, iiwan siya sa akin ng aking misis nang minsang mahuli niya akong nag-chachat sa internet.

Siguro ngayon, meron akong kasa-kasama at binabantayang anak sa office. Marahil ay nakaupo siya sa bakanteng workstation sa tabi ko. Bagot at walang magawa, siguro ay tinatap niya ang keyboard at mouse o kaya naman ay pinapagulong ang kotche-kotchehang binili ko sa kanya upang makuha ang aking attensyon. Kung hindi naman, siguro sa mura niyang edad na limang taon ay nanonood siya ng cartoons sa YouTube na inistream ko o kaya naman ay pinagkakaguluhan ng mga babae kong katrabaho (dahil siguro, maputi siya at cute... may pinagmanahan sa nanay niya).

Since swelduhan naman kahapon, pagkatapos ng trabaho ay dadalhin ko siya sa Megamall upang kumain sa Jollibee at manood ng Spiderman 3. Tutal, wala naman akong misis kaya ako ang tatayong nanay at tatay niya. Ako ang magpapalaki sa kanyang mag-isa, mag-aaruga hanggang siya ay tumanda at sa huli, aasa na mapamana ko sa kanya ang mga kabutihang-asal, lawak ng pag-iisip at diskarte na natutunan ko sa buhay .

In one short burst of thought, naisip kong bigla, ano kaya ang feeling maging parent? Mas may sense kaya ang buhay kung alam mong may inaalagaan at pinapalaki kang sariling iyo? Hindi kaya mas concerned ako sa hinaharap dahil alam kong mas malaki ang responsibilidad ko hindi lang para sa anak ko kung hindi para rin sa akin? Makakapag-clubbing at flirt pa kaya ako gayong alam kong meron akong binabantayang supling? Ano kaya ang magiging impression sa akin ng ibang mga PLU? May magkakainterest kayang makipagrelasyon sa akin? Gagawin ko kayang ninong si Roy at si Papu (dahil posibleng one year old pa lang ang anak ko nang ma-meet ko sila)

Another shot at what ifs...

Andaming maaring nangyari.

Sana...

Bago ako tuluyang naging PLU, nakabuntis muna ako.

Zero Hour

12:45 pm.

Hello J. Alam mo number ng emergency room ng Manila Doctors? Na-stroke ang papa mo... mukhang malala ang tama eh. Kailangan kong malaman ang number ng doctor niya doon.

---

It was a Tuesday. For some fated reasons, I decided not to go to work in the morning and instead, requested if I could report during the afternoon shift. I remembered that very moment, the slow, guided steps descending on the stairs, the maid informing me of the emergency, my cold and composed reaction to what my aunt told me. My reply to her frantic words were "susubukan ko po kung ano ang magagawa ko Tita Heart," nevertheless I acted as fast as I can to assist her in my dad's immediate transfer from a government clinic to that hospital.

But before I fully cooperated with her. I called my mom's most trusted sister, who is a doctor. I told her of my dad's situation. Being the only one in the family who fully understands my bitterness towards him, I asked her straight if I will help or not. I remembered her words very well that up to this very moment, I could still hear the echoes of our conversation, "tatay mo pa rin siya kahit paano. ikaw rin, lahat yan pagsisisihan mo balang araw..." Immediately after I hanged up the phone, I told my sister the grave news and prepare. Fortunately, she's just about to go to class that afternoon. My half brother, who lives in our other house was just bumming around so it was easy to order him to go with us. After I informed my mom (still in a very cold and composed manner of the breaking news), I told my aunt that we're on our way to the hospital.

---

Seconds... minutes... a full half hour had passed before we heard the faint siren of the ambulance approaching the emergency room. I knew it was my father, it was what my heart told me.

The back door of the ambulance opened. The first to go down was my aunt who was still trembling, I had to hug her. Her first words were

"Ako na ang nakikiusap sayo, patawarin mo na siya sa mga pagkukulang niya sa inyo. Baka hindi mo na siya makitang buhay pa."

After that, the stretcher followed and it was my father, dressed in his trademark dirt shorts and fake Lacoste shirt. He was already unconscious and an oxygen mask covered his face.

His new mistress was with him, crying and unconsolable. I don't know who were included in the entourage but surely, things came so fast, only the pain allowed me to remember the vague details of that tense afternoon. My mother's sister turns out to be monitoring the situation through the resident doctors who were assigned in the ER that day. A few months before, she even famously told us that if something happened to my dad, she won't lift a single finger to assist us.

At the emergency room, the attendants forced him to vomit whatever was stuck inside his mouth. He was groaning so loud, perhaps out of pain and agony that my sister - who never cried when it was my mom who was rushed in the same hospital a month before, begged me to call my aunt and inform her of the situation.

Of course, she wasn't aware that my mom's sister was monitoring everything. I even knew before everyone of them found out that my dad's chance of surviving is getting slimmer and slimmer as hours pass by. In fact, my aunt told me beforehand that if ever he will survive the stroke, he would be 100% in vegetable state.

---

It took an hour and a half before my mom finally arrived with her closest co-teachers. She was teary eyed, and also unconsolable. She quietly approached my dad, who was stabilized in his stretcher. I, on the other hand went outside to console his employees who began to congregate outside the emergency room.

News flies so fast especially in the world where news is being made every day.

While waiting for the countless laboratory tests perfomed to my dad to be released, my dad's sister recounted everything that happened before we found ourselves in that lonely desolate place. The night before, dad had an argument with someone, who appears interested in buying the wretched tabloid, that my dad cared so much. Some weeks before, the newspaper was out of circulation for more than a month due to lack of funds for operations. They only started producing again barely a week before he was struck by this misfortune.

That morning, while he played with my another half brother who could already be my own son, he just suddenly slumped on the floor and vomited ceaselessly. His mistress' greatest mistake was she didn't rushed my dad to a nearby health center for first aid. She waited a full hour for my dad's sister to arrive because she don't know what to do in such situation.

Nasabi ko na lang at that very moment. "Kung sa amin yan nakatira, mabilis pa sa alas kwatro nakarating yan sa ospital."

Another few hours had passed before the results finally came out. It was a massive stroke - much like those of FPJ's. He would need an emergency neurosurgery operation if we still wish to see him alive - even in a vegetable condition. Since we never had the money to support the heavy financial burden that Manila Doctors will surely demand, we agreed to transfer him to PGH, where my mom's sister was the current chairperson of an important department.

---

It was already pass six, when the private ambulance arrived. By then I knew that we had already passed the point of no return. But of course, out of respect to those who sincerely believed that my father will make it, I just simply zipped my mouth and prepared for a new consciousness that will greet me in the weeks ahead.

The siren of the ambulance is the only thing that I could hear as we waded through the crammed streets of Taft. It only took us 15 minutes to arrive from Manila Doctors to PGH, but inside the vehicle, it seems like an eternity had passed.

Without any further delay, my dad was admitted in the Cerebral Intensive Care Unit of that hospital when the neurosurgeon arrived.

---

"Sino ang kapamilya dito ni Mr. _______"

We all huddled like little kids, tensed and worried at the news she would reveal.

"Ang tanging choice na lang po niya mabuhay ay kung isasailalim po siya sa isang kumplikado at napakamahal na operasyon," the neurosurgeon said.

But I knew it was already too late. In fact, I started praying to the Almighty to spare him from a very long suffering.

"Kahit igapang ko pa yang kapatid ko makahanap lang ng uutangan gagawin ko," her eyes was almost burning when my dad's sister insisted this upon us.

At that moment, I just remembered that we were only given clearance by the Manila Doctors because of my aunt's sponsorship. My entire savings of P21,000 was the only money the family had in this crisis. How on earth will we acquire millions to pay for his operation?

The debate would have go on forever, thanks to the faceless, seemingly concerned "friends" of my dad who started participating in our decision making. If not for my mom's sister's deepest and gloomiest revelation that evening, we would never heed our senses.

"Masyado na tayong huli para isalba pa ang buhay niya. Baka mamaya biglang mamatay na lang yang si ____________ sa Operation Table."

And then, there was silence.

My dad's sister slumped on the floor, while mom, still in her muted voiced cried in solitude.

At seven pm, two years ago.

We all knew,




we're just counting the hours before dad gets his freedom back.



---

the end.

My Dear Blog, I'd Like You To Know That. (Act III - Finale)

One Minus ER... 12 Hours Before Zero Hour

---

My last days with dad.

January noon. I still haven't gotten over the accident that happened to my mom on the eve of my birthday a month before. Dad wasn't around, he wasn't even aware that we rushed mom to the hospital that night.

He dropped by the house one evening, and since bitter ako sa kanya noon, I instructed the maids to tell my dad that I'm sleeping. But he insisted on seeing me. He knocked on my door while I was pretending to sleep. Wala rin ako nagawa, ayaw niya umalis eh. So I got up, opened the door to see him. But he felt my aloofness. I don't even want to have an eye contact as he tried talking to me.

The whole encounter was so cold, I could feel the walls freezing around us. He tried, in vain to open up a conversation. But I just put them down with my cold replies. My mom tried her best to be accomodating, my sister on the other hand was very warm.

Realizing that its useless to reach out to me. He decided to leave. I never kissed him like I used to do. I think I never even said goodbye. Pero you know what, the real reason why I can't look directly at his eyes is because somehow...

Deep in my heart.






I know that it would be the last time I would see him alive.





Remembering that moment once again, it makes me regret my bitter decision to be so cruel to him now that the hate has already passed. Fortunately, weeks before he died, we had a cordial text conversation. He was asking if I'm interested to have a new scooter which I politely declined to the near-accidents I had when I was still a careless teenager. Back then, I ride a bike without any licence nor a plate number nor even a helmet.

Pero I know, it wasn't really enough to make up for the cold treatment I gave him the last time he stepped inside his own house.

So here I am recounting the story once again and letting the pain and the loss consume me on the eve of his passing.

My Dear Blog, I'd Like You To Know That.. (Act II)

Two Minus ER

---

One summer of 03, father decided to take the journey of his lifetime. Getting out of the financial slump his newly established company had gone through was no mean feat. When he felt that things are getting more promising to the publishing company, he took the first opportunity to see the lands beyond the country and Europe was his first destination.

Meanwhile that same summer, I had a great career as a lifestyle and entertainment reporter in Manila Times for my ojt. Such position not only gave me prominence but also the adoration of the girls and gays in our class since it was their dream job in the first place. Perhaps I was just lucky enough to use my PR skills at the right moment when the news editor was interviewing me. When asked where do I want to be assigned, I simply said "sa features po." That's why they assigned me in the lifestyle section.

Anyway, since my father needed someone to look after his business while he was away... with his "business partner (aka the mistress), he asked me to cut my servitude to the broadsheet and take over his job while enjoying his trip in Europe.

I remembered that evening when he brought me the news; I was playing a PC game when he barged into my room and told me that he will be out of the country and I need to take his place for two weeks while he's not around. My first reaction was fear and hesitation. After all, how could a 19-year old manage the affairs of a national newspaper run by an experienced journalist like my father without getting into trouble with the government who accused us of being a porno tabloid. Besides, not only would I run the operations of the business, I would also have to write a columm on his behalf every single day.

He assured me that the editors know what to do in such situation and if I want, I could tone down the female models in the front page just to allay my fears of getting raided. Everything will rest upon my decisions, he told me. Given the fact that I had no choice at all, I followed his orders and observed for two days and two nights the operations of the company.

---

When he finally left the country, all systems were finally in place. The managing editor felt my anxieties so he showed me some of the perks of being the boss. A day after I took over, he brought me to one of the photo shoots being conducted to promote the models who appeared on our front page daily. Yeah, I did see nude girls squeezing their boobies and touching their pussies. I even had an opportunity to have my pic taken while squeezing the boobs of a starlet (which I still keep hidden away from the rest of my photo albums).

However, if there was any downside to being the new boss, I think the loneliness of being up there and alone proved to be too much for my sanity. Fortunately, I could always call my classmate (who eventually became my girlfriend 7 months later) just to cheer me up. My tropa would also occassionally drop by for a visit just to make fun at me while I was giving instructions to the managers.

Since it was my first time to manage the business, I had to be on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To make things more efficient, I decided to detach myself from my family and live within the office premises during the entire duration my dad was away. This way, I would go down with the company if ever something happened to it under my responsibility. Besides, the freedom I got was too awesome, if my mindset then was the same as to now, I will take every chance to fool around and exercise my power as the dominator.

Imagine, those were the only times I could walk around with bodyguards flanking me. Such experience may never happen again in this lifetime.

---

The first week was hell. My routine would start early in the afternoon. The accounting and circulation department had just finished doing the reports I will review and tally for the day. The editorial department had just barely begun working on tomorrow's paper, which I have to wait until 5 pm. In school, we learned to keep an open ear for breaking news, so the whole press time, my tv was on and it was tuned to the news. After editorial work had finished, I would sometimes sneak out to have a little private time for myself. Usually, I would go to La Salle to check out the newest trance music available. When I return to the office at 8 pm, the printing had already begun while the cashier's department had just opened their dispatching site in port area. I would start writing my columm at 10 pm then the driver would shuttle me to the dispatching site to get the partial daily income. Then it's lights off at around 2 am.

As the countdown begins for my dad's return, I had this feeling that I've run the company more efficiently (operations-wise) than my dad ever did in his life. However, what sets his newspaper away from other tabloids is its appeal. My dad was extremely creative. He calls himself a visionary during his younger years. However, I never appreciated that side of him until now. Many years later, I was called again to help him run the business after his business partner had left. Our leadership difference was so notable that it created a rift between us. Eventually that rift would be the mitsa to our great conflict that tore us apart, which I failed to settle before he passed away.

When the final day came, I made sure everything was in order. My dad's office, which was a total mess when I arrived two weeks before was so squeaky clean, not even a single mouse would dare sneak behind the books behind his desk. From the editorial department's room to the accounting and circulation's room, the change was so apparent that the employees themselves felt a little sense of tranquility while working. Those statements were relayed to me weeks later after I left by my dad's sister who dropped by from time to time during my tenure.

Before the turnover, I took the opportunity to make a closing speech, which was actually written in my columm. It was meant to wrap things up and thank everyone who behaved accordingly during my time. The essay, written in Filipino, served as my best proof that once, my dad's publishing was a utopian paradise full of perks and opportunities for expansion. Too bad, the next time I took over his position permanently after he died, the same publishing, which I took care back in the summer of 03 was already in complete tatters.

It took less than five months before it, too, followed its creator to the grave.

--

From: The Bull
Date: May, 2003
Columm Title: Sa Pansamantalang Katapusan

o0o

Pagkauwi ko ng bahay, pipilitin kong muling gawing normal ang buhay ko. Nakakapagnakaw pala ng kabataan ang mabigat na responsibilidad at pagdedesisyon para sa isang kumpanya. Alam kong ito'y patikim lang sa akin, taon ang lilipas, muli akong babalik dito upang gampanan ang trabahong nakalaan na sa akin.

Mapalad pa nga ako, hindi gaanong mabigat ang buhos ng problema sa loob ng dalawang linggong namahala ako dito. Ang operasyon ng kumpanya'y nanatiling normal at ang mga insidente... ay nanatiling maliit at mababaw.

o0o

Pagkatapos nito, pagsasawaan ko na ang natitira ko pang bakasyon bago magsimula ulit ang pasukan. Matagal-tagal muli bago lumabas ang mga opinyon ko sa pahinang ito. Sana'y naliwanagan kayo sa mga isyung binulatlat ko sa loob ng dalawang linggong magkakasama tayo. Lagi niyo lang pakakatandaan mga tol, ito'y tinig ng kabataan, tinig ng henerasyon ko.

Hanggang sa muli dear readers! Salamat.

My Dear Blog, I'd Like You To Know That... (Act I)

Three Minus ER

---

Once upon a time, there was a boy who was abandoned by his father at an early age. His mother used to be a clever businesswoman in town engaging in small-scale lending and residential construction business and then selling the units to prospective buyers through loan arrangements. Unfortunately, the abandonment devastated his mother so much that she stopped all her business endeavors and decided to become a labandera instead.

The sudden life change was a big blow to this boy, who is used to the adequate life he was enjoying when his family was still intact. Now that he had no father to support him, his mother and his young sister, the boy stopped going to school in order to financially support his household.

This boy did all kinds of menial jobs. Being in a town close to the fishport, he became a cigarette vendor and then a newspaperboy. When he got older, he found a job at the fishport as a boat maintenance worker whose job is to scrap away the rust and the barnacles forming under the boat's hull.

However menial this boy's job was, he had a talent - his gift of language was so impressive that during the Martial Law years, his works inspired many of his colleagues to stand up and fight for their rights. He became a militant activist, who fought the government side by side with some of the prominent Reds personalities of today.

In this underground organization he met a moderate student leader who hails from the University Belt. At an old age of 28, she was still pushing for a revolutionary change of government based on Socialist principles and ideas instead of having a decent work. Their common fight became a cause for a common bond that soon lead to union. This boy eventually marries the lady who is almost a decade older than him.

I am their first offspring.

Many years had passed. The lady gave up the fight and became a school teacher. The boy, believing that a revolutionary government is still possible fought way beyond most activist of his generation would carry on. The only event that lead to his turning point in life was the Mendiola Massacre of 1987, where a militant leader like him ordered his entire unit to a suicide face-off with government armed forces.

A decade had passed. He became a beat reporter in several tabloid newspapers. After several years of being in this career. He was presented an offer from a newly established newspaper to become their colummnist. His promotion was so swift that in a matter of several years, he became the vice-president. However, being on top had its price. As far as I remembered, everytime he comes home at night, he cusses on some person he is talking on the phone. This violent cycle prevailed for a year until he decided to start his own tabloid that would soon shake the foundations of Journalism in the country.

He created the first all-bare smut Tabloid.

As a mediaman, he understood the risk he had to take in order to present the facts - whether such facts were twisted fabrications or absolute truths. He knew that his growing number of powerful enemies who were very eager to silence him might vent their frustration on us instead. So our role was to become a mere shadow so long as he is connected with the organization he had just started.

In the high, lonely world he used to live in, there was this lady who never left his company. Through thick or thin, she was there to lift him and prop him up when odds were against him. For some reasons, this lady believes that redemption is assured so long as he stays with my father. Eventually their friendship lead to a much closer relationship until romance bloomed between them.

She became the long-time mistress, the bane of my mother's existence.

For the longest time we were kept hidden away from the limelight, this lady became the star; the queen overlord of the tabloid empire this once poor boy had created to cover up for his past pains in life.

As I grew older. I was asked to follow his footsteps and take up a journalism course in a Catholic University. I did what he asked and little by little, the people who followed him began to acknowledge me as their successor.

My father was still a columm writer when I entered college. He writes about his insights about national and local politics and current events. People praise his writing style and his ability to stir people opinion. But he never wrote about us - his family - even in just a single issue in his years of stint in this career.

However, there were bits of anecdotes he wrote about us - individually. Such rarity prompted us - who gets a 10-second national spotlight to cut such columm page and preserve the little anecdote as souvenir.

---

One summer of 98, I had just graduated from high school. Realizing the prospects of heavy workload in college, I remembered writing a letter to my dad begging him to buy me a new computer since my good, old 486 would not allow me to play newer and resource hogger PC games. Of course, I never mentioned my real motives for asking a new PC and he never replied to my letter either citing indifference to my request.

However, weeks after I gave him my letter, a househelper cut out my father's columm dated the week when he recieved my letter. It turns out that he used part of it as an allussion to his topic for the day in his columm.

I never mentioned what I discovered and the entire wishful desire to have a new computer was buried under heaps of problems and controversies that came out months after. However, nobody knew that I kept the issue where he first... and probably the last time he mentioned me to his readers.

Looking back, he wrote a columm about me as a representation to the changing times brought by a new technology that was just gaining foothold in the society then. Many many years later, when the technology he had forsaw has finally become part of everyone's daily life, his story would be retold by the same person who once asked him a piece of technology that would become the key to his immortality.

---

From: Remate Tonight
Date: May 30, 1998
Columm Title: Viagra 2

o0o

Ngayong tayo ay magkaroon ng anak na lalaki ay madalas nating itanong sa ating sarili kung ano kaya ang kanyang iniisip.

Sabi nga ng commercial; what's on your mind?

Kamakailan ay natuklasan natin ang kanyang pinapangarap. Nagsalita siya habang nanaginip.

Marahil ay ito rin ang laman ng utak ng mga kabataan sa ngayon.

Ano iyon?

Pentium 2 300 (MHz),
32 MB-RAM
1.44 MB FDD
2.0 GB HDD
2 MB Video Card
SVGA Colored Monitor,
with server

Ayon sa kanya, kung ibig niyang makipag-usap sa kanyang kapwa kabataan ay mayroon silang chatline, kung ibig niyang sumulat ay may E-mail, at may strategy games siyang pinaglalaruan na "laro umano ng may utak."

Siya umano ay naka-on line

Tang'na, weirdo na talaga ang mga kabataan!

Nawala na ang mga curacha sa kanilang isipan.

o0o

My Dear Blog, I'd Like You To Know That...* (Intro)

Four minus ER

---

Before there was bitterness, my relationship with father was cordial at best. We had our ups and downs but you know what, until the very end before I finally decided to abandon him, I was his only backer at home. Before this confrontation, I tried my best to have an open mind to the painful reality he showed to me after he revealed that he had another child with another woman aside from his official "mistress." I closed my eyes to the fact that he have done a lot of hurtful things behind my mother's back simply because of a compromise I had with him:

"So long as you support us financially, I will never stab your back... kapit sa patalim ika nga."

And kapit sa patalim I did. You know what, I even established warm relationships with his mistresses in order to avoid complicating things. And mother never knew that, except when everything was revealed by my father's sister weeks after his death. The revelations - particularly the part when his sister told mom that I let dad get away with everything simply because he was supporting us, almost tore our mother-son relationship apart, if not for the massive problems he left after he passed away, I might have been disowned by my mm.

His behind the scene activities is also one of the strongest reasons why I turned homo - just to get back at what he had done. The plan was a success. In just eight months after I decided to let lose my repressions and tendencies, the transformation was already complete. Tanda ko pa nun, I was grining when he asked me kelan ko balak magasawa. In my mind I was saying back. "not in this lifetime."

But these things are behind now. Especially after he made his presence felt yesterday in my slumber.

In line with the recent events, I will turn my back to everything that is PLU in order to try to piece back the missing pieces that used to be the cornerstone of our good father-son relationship. Hopefully, such little rememberings would ease the emptiness, I am beginning to feel right now.

Hopefully, after recounting all the memories - good and bad, bitter and sweet prior to his death, I may finally find a closure to once was our bitter and heartless conflict.

In my dreams, the look on his face tells me that he is at peace now. Perhaps its time I finally have my own.

---

* My Dear Diary, I'd Like You To Know That... is the title of my father's diary. Only the title page was turned over to me by my mother, but looking at how revealing my entries are, I am sure his journal revealed things about himself as well. If online blogs were invented during his time, probably he created one just like mine.

And since he was a better writer than me, I am very sure that his entries are far more juicier than what I have produced so far.

Dream Journals Eight

Dear Dad,

The last time you appeared to me, we were both sleeping in one bed. Then you woke up, got up and without even speaking you straightened the sheets before you left. When I told this to everyone, they said that finally, our hostile relations are already thawing up for you never straightened bedsheets in your entire life.

Almost two years had passed and then suddenly we met again. This time, I was browsing some Chinese novels in a bookstore. As I gently unwrapped one book in order to see its contents, I noticed you walking in one of the aisles. You were wearing a big grey collared shirt, your pants I could not remember. You're just standing there looking at me.

Without saying any word, I approached you and hugged you very tight. It was a long, longing hug that I've been missing to give since you've gone. And we had a talk, which I could not remember anymore. Perhaps, there were things you wanted to clear up, and I am certain we had an understanding. You may have some messages to everyone, but unfortunately, I am too overwhelmed by my regrets - of the years I showed you arrogance that I forgot to remember them upon my awakening.

However, those things don't matter anymore for I believe that I have conveyed to you my innermost feelings before you departed in my dreams. When I woke up this morning, I could still remember your very warm smile when we saw each other and how you told me never to tell anyone that we met before you left.

I could shut my mouth about the whole affair, if not for the emptiness I am feeling right now.

But you know what, the moment I finally saw that familiar face of yours after two years of absence, the moment I almost run towards you just to give you a hug I've been longing to give, and the moment I remember that warmest smile of yours even beyond my dream.

I know, all the bitter things between us are finally over.

Because I woke up crying... for the first time since you passed away.





We remember your Second Death Anniversary Dad.

I love you very much.

---

Gone
(s)He's gone
How do you feel about it?
That's what I thought
You're real done up about it

- Rachiel Yamagata, Worn Me Down

The Big Daddy In Me

One time, while exchanging private messages with someone that turns out to be a minor in G4M:

---

Me: Ay bata ka palang pala! Pwede ka ba alagaan? Joke!! Name ko talaga Joms, magkasing edad kami ni Gyminstructor. Nagkita kami sa BED sa malate. Gusto mo magkaroon ng idea kung paano magestablish ng blog?

Him: yup opo...gus2 q po..ah ok sa malate pla un bk8 d q alam un..ikaw n mgging tatay q?joke din.. (Kiddietalk Translation: gusto ko po. ah sa malate pala yun. bakit di ko alam yun. Ikaw na magiging tatay ko?)

Me: Haha. pinatawa mo ko dun ah. Sige ampunin kita ha! lol. Wala kang pasok ngayon?

---

It all started a week ago. While browsing the forums in G4M, I noticed a young-looking member who posted at random threads in order to bring them up of the forum lists.

At first, I wasn't paying attention to his posts. But when I found out that the young-looking PLU is actually one of my friend's aquaintances, I immediately opened his profile to review it in hopes that I could find something that could serve as my opening line, if ever I decide to send him a private message.

His face is indeed very young - he is cute but I never aim for kids. His introduction is way too simple, it doesn't interest me either. However, one of his half-naked pic showed an abs muscles that are so flat, it instantly caught my attention. Immediately, I sent him a message asking his secrets to a flat tummy.

The simple introduction about the tummy lead to another, He told me about his sad life, his school activities and some things about his weird personality. As we exchanged messages the entire afternoon, the thought of the kid who asked me to become his "Kuya" back in elementary floated in my head. As the young guy in G4M began called me "dada," I responded 'nak' to acknowledge our newfound "cyber" relationship . It was very awkward at first, but eventually the little role-playing convinced me that I could stand up as his "virtual" big daddy in that website. I'm sure that since he grew up without his parents around, a little fatherly concern from someone much older than him might actually help in overcoming the transition from young adulthood to being a full adult homo guy he is passing through.

---

Him: dada elow po..ay naku dada fri ngaun..kahapon pumasok aq sa skul ng 4 eh 3:30 class q dada tpos po ndi n nman aq nakkuwi ngaun fri po eh ngaun lang aq nakauwi ng umaga...uu dada..ingat k po.. (Kiddietalk Translation: dad hello po, ay naku, friday ngayon. kahapon pumasok ako sa school ng 4 eh 3:30 class ko. tapos, ngayon na lang ako nakauwi ng dorm kasi nakitulog ako sa bahay ng classmate ko. ingat ka po.)

Me: Hi anak. Nako, madalas ata ang overnight mo sa ibang bahay ah. Basta ingat ka lagi ha at wag mo pabayaan ang school mo. Hug nga kita.. xox O siya, ako naman ang papasok sa school. Na-add na kita sa friendster ko ha. Have a nice weekend!

Him: SALAMAT PO DADA....WOW BAIT NMAN TLGA NG DADA Q..INGAT K PO SA PAGPASOK....CGE PO OPEN Q MUNA FWENZTER Q....KAW DIN PO DADA HAVE A NICW WIKEND... (Kiddietalk Translation: Salamat po dad. Wow bait naman talaga ng dad ko. Ingat ka po sa pagpasok. Sige po, open ko muna friendster ko. Kaw din, have a nice weekend.)

---

Funny how things turned out days after we started role playing. I'm not even sure how it would affect my general outlook in life, now that I'm beginning to feel responsible to some PLU very much younger than me. I don't know either the long-term effect of my start-up presence in this young kid's life.

But one thing is for sure though. Ever since the kid and I started talking that way, I became more concerned to some of my girl-friends who are also single parents as well. For some very very weird reasons, I feel like acting a fatherhood dream, I might never become in this life time.

Pity those who throw their seeds, only to abandon them in the end.

I swear, just one little seed from me. Just one little boy I could call junior someday...

---

SMS Message:

Me: Icerose, make sure, moti is protected ha! Uso ang dengue ngayon.

Her: Yes dad! Ehehehe, u. Tanks 4 reminding. I'll check on hm as soon I get home. tc.

---

I could be more than most fathers I know.

I could even be greater than the man who brought me into this world.

Saan Tayo Magsisimula

babangon
pupulutin ang mga nagkalat na
damit na naiwan ng
ikaw ay lumisan.

titingin sa bintana
at pagmamasdan ang
dapithapon ng iyong buhay,
ang iyong mga ala-ala'y
bakas pa rin sa aming mga
kamay.

muli
ay bubuksan namin
ang pintuan ng iyong
opisina.
susubukang halungkatin
ang mga papel na iniwan mo
sa iyong pag alis.

kasabay ng ihip ng
hanging bumubulong ng iyong
pangalan, bubuuin namin
ang mga pirapirasong
gunita ng iyong isipan,
dahan dahan naming ibabangon
ang iyong nahulog na dambana

at unti unti naming buburahin
ang mga dumi mula sa bintana ng
iyong kwarto.

sayang,
sa iyong pagmamadali
iniwan mo ang iyong
panyong magpapaalala sana
sa ating naulilang nakaraan.

Premonitions and Hauntings

Act One: Premonitions

Exactly a month before his death, we have noticed that he was trying to go back to us. He would drop by at home for no reason at all. He did pay for the FX's maintenance expenses, as well as ensured that a water pump would be delivered at home before Valentines day.

People around him said that during his last month, he became unusually kind and empathic, which by nature he was not. He once said that whatever betrayals his former friends did to him were already forgiven. "Past is past" he said, no one thought that it would be his informal bidding of goodbye.

At one time, he was asking me if I would like to have a scooter. I just scoffed the idea since I am already busy with work. Besides, I'm already 23 years old. Scooters are for teenagers. I never thought that he was trying to get close to me - to bridge the distance that set us apart after he have declared to mom that he already has a second family.

In his depression, he was seen eating at some foodstore in his hometown of Navotas. People have thought that he might have just missed the feeling of returning home, after a long and hard journey as a businessman and publisher. No one thought that he was conveying a desire to return home - that in death, he would like to be closest to the place where he was born.

I sensed it before that something weird was going on. But I never bothered, the hatred was just too deep to even noticed such tiny, subconcious message that his time is near. But no matter how swift his death was, he was vindicated. He died beside us, his sins forgiven by the entire family.

---

Act Two: Hauntings

We just got home from the funeral. Since I was already feeling quite spooked out due to the thoughts of him haunting me, I decided to open the TV to keep me company. I then checked out my yahoo to look for emails.

My aunt from the US sent me an email to extend their condolences, and I decided to reply to her mail. Tired and exhausted, I had a hard time composing my letter so I decided to press the mute button of the TV to type my message.

After typing the message, I pressed again the mute button for the sound to resume. But to my surprise, the TV was unexplainably been shut off. I then pressed the on button but the TV won't open. I found out that the cord was unplugged by someone. I then told them what happened the following day.

---

The night after burial, there was a sudden cool breeze blowing in my face - it was cold but there was no breeze. I tried to downplay what had happened, but it still remains a mystery why there was pocket of coldness when the air in my feet and body was warm.

---

It was reported this afternoon that in my dad's room in his office, there emanates a cold breeze behind the doors. The guards thought that someone left his aircon open, but there was no one inside. A wood panel from his office window suddenly fell off hitting someone from Malacanang. To everyone's surprise, the wood panel was completely intact in his office when they check it out.

Lastly, someone saw a huge black bird came out from his office. What mystifies everyone was that his windows were all closed when my aunt checked out his room the following day.

In Silence

Gone - he's gone.
How do you feel about it?
That's what I thought.
You're real torn up about it.
And I wish you the best
I could do without it
And I will because you've worn me down
Oh, I will because you've worn me down

- Rachel Yamagata, Gone

Father and Son

I don't easily allow my wounds to heal. That's for sure. I am a very bitter person and it shows on how I deal with people around me.

---

Dad was here today, for reasons I really don't want to know. I used to remember when he still lives here. It was during this time of then night when arrives home from "work"

I would remember him calling the maids and torment everyones lives by his ceaseless utos to everyone. He would surf the channels lounging on the masters' bed with his big belly and with only his underwear on. If you asked me, that was a very sorry sight. No wonder, I never liked chub people. It just simply reminds me of him.

It was two years ago when it last happened. And I managed to bury it at the back of my mind until tonight...

I first knew his arrival after I heard his voice and his heavy footsteps while going to the masters bedroom. As he came closer, the memories suddenly woke up in my consciousness bringing back the days when things aren't as ordered as it is today.

My first thought was, "pano ko tatanggapin kapag bumalik ulit dito sa bahay si papa? siguro lalayas na lang ako..."

But leaving would mean abandoning my sister and mother to be tormented by him. Buti na lang, he just came to get something. Mabuti na yung malinaw para hindi pa mas lalong gumulo ang magulong buhay ko.

---

Before he left, he told me to go downstairs. Ako naman, since wala ng choice, I had to pull the plug of my internet to meet him. When he saw me, he asked for a kiss. Instead I gave him a cold hug, to show my most civil manifestation of my disappointment towards him. To demonstrate a slightly friendly gesture towards him, I asked about our business, which I found out to be defunct already since two weeks ago. And then followed up my conversation about the papers I gave to him during the last time we met.

We just talked about business matters. No personals whatsoever. I know, how hard it is for someone to be treated like that. But, what can I do. We don't have any business talking about personal things. It might just wake up some bitter hatred towards one another. While looking at him, all I can see is a mere guy, somewhat older than me.

I still call him papa or dad though, and under moral and state law, he is still my father. But you know what, such formalities ain't matter anymore. Deep within me, I just see him as a mere distraction in our peaceful lives. We've been living without a father for as long as I my mind wants to remember and his presence creates a ripple on a tranquil pond we call our family.

Whenever things get fucked up around here, he's the best escape I could find - by blaming him all the miseries we have to endure because of his irresponsibilities. This evening alone, I was thinking of changing my surname and use my mother's instead. My uncles told me before not to get very bitter or angry to him, but the best I could give is to at least be civil towards him.

If you asked me, I just want him out of my life. I want him to leave us alone, since he chose to be with his mistress instead of us. Tutal, we have learned to live on our own and we don't need him anymore. His mere presence just rattle the peace we have here. Tama na yung ganito masaya na ako dito.

---

I never said goodbye when he left. After talking to him after a brief moment, I decided to go back to my room and rethink of the things I showed him this evening.

I know that I still have this resentment towards him. If there's any reason why I suddenly became so very comfortable with my homosexuality is because this is the best way I can get back to him, and to his entire kaliwete bloodline that spawned me.

In fact, when you summed up my life today, I am actually taking up the responsibilities he have left. That's the reason why I feel like I'm living a life of a 32. That's why I never rests my big butt, because I know that threats to our security is just around the corner.

---

Lying on my bed... somehow made me wonder about my feelings.

I felt nothing towards him when he was here, in fact I just want him to leave the house the moment he's finished with his business. But when he left, I suddenly felt a cold dose of emptiness emanating within me. Between feeling guilty and heartless

Why am I saddened when he left?

Burn Out

I wish he just leave us alone... forever.

why do I see him as the harbinger of problems, the ultimate source of our upsets and depressions, the perfect monument to a broken family that is trying to heal itself?

I want my dad out of our lives. He should live with his mistress and their kids. We don't care anymore. In fact, we're already striving to live on our own and his business with us has ceased to exist already.

My business with him has already been closed a long time ago. At the very least, all I can offer him is my civility.

---
I arrive this evening finding a demand letter for my dad.

The maid said that he sent that letter for my mom to see and resolve. After all, he claims that mom was the reason why he hired the finance manager I've been mentioning before. (BTW, she left the company several weeks ago never saying goodbye.)

Actually, it was quite a small amount thought. In fact, I could pay it in one years time provided that I still earn my double-salary. But why do we have to bear his problems? The fact the he abandoned us should be a good reason for us to leave him to his business.

Tama na na inako ko lahat ng iniwan niyang responsibilidad samin. Layuan na lang niya kami.

---
Working my ass more than ten hours a day is enough payment for his irresponsibilities. I should have be enjoying a night out with the ODDERs tomorrow night, I should be spending a moment's time with my bud tomorrow evening... but just to earn additional 500 bucks, just to assure myself that I will have extra money in my bank account

I will have to work overnight. Forget my body and my weary spirit.

What matters is that my mom would not worry another month trying to budget our expenses.

My salary would suffice to make both ends meet.

I just wish that soon, I can make that with one salary alone.

---

Akala ko nagheal na ang mga sugat na iniwan niya mula nung inabandona niya kami...
Pero habang nakikita ko na ginugulo pa rin niya ang nanay ko, parang bumubuka muli ang mga peklat na naghihilom pa lang.

Kung hindi lang siya nagloko, dapat sana ang buhay ko ngayon eh parang buhay ni Phillip (phb.blogspot). Dapat sana, ang mga problemang dala dala ko eh tipong problemang hinaharap lang ni James.

Pero masakit isipin na parang ang bilis ninakaw sakin ang kabataan ko. Imagine, less than 8 months lang, kelangan kong lunukin lahat ng mga possibilities na pwedeng mangyari samin.

Tingin ko nga eh parang mas magaan pa yung problemang dala dala nung isa kong officemate na sampung taon halos ang tanda sa akin.

Siya, simpleng soloflight lang ang buhay niya, sakin isang bahay ang dala-dala ko.

---
Kaya ako, hindi na ako ganun katakot na malaman nilang PLU ako.

Marami na akong na-prove na mga bagay na mismong mga straight eh hindi nila kayang gawin.

Tangina, hindi nga ako nakabuntis, pero padre de pamilya naman ako. Wala nga akong girlfriend pero boyfriend pa rin ako sa buddy ko.

Minsan gusto kong tanungin ang buhay, kelan ba ako makakaranas ng security. Magagawa ko pa kayang mag-isip katulad ng dati, na sarili ko lang ang dapat kong problemahin. Masakit nito, alam kong kahit na magkaroon ako ng opportunity katulad ng dati, iba na ang lahat. Hindi na babalik ang dati.

Pasensya na kung dito ako sa blog naglalabas ng sama ng loob. Di na ako ganun ka-senti katulad dati sa harap ng mga tao. Mas makulit na ako madalas kapag may problema. Dinadaan ko na lang sa yosi at pang-aasar kapag asar ako sa buhay.

Marami ang hindi nakakaalam pero kapag ako na lang mag-isa, saka ko lang naiisip.

Ang hirap pala maging masaya.

Plowed and Sleepy (Quikie lang to)

Speaking of bot... Ahem ahem.

Ganun lang naman eh. Once I had my fill, I could stay sane for the next two weeks without whining to be... plowed again. Or should I say, plow for a change.

Iba talaga kapag sa SO mo ginagawa yung mga bagay na yun. Although, mas focus ang attention niya dun sa blue film na sinasabayan niyo, at least, you're doing it with...

For now, the rants about depravation will subside. I am content now, and thing is, the paranoia I am experiencing several days ago is slowly subsiding.

Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng...

---

I don't know if my premonitions were right but after several months of bolting out of my dad's company, they are indeed cash strapped.

However, such distress coming from them leaves me confused. Tama ba na nagsarili ako? Are my assumptions correct and now, no matter what happens we would not completely fall? Sana nga. Everything's so volatile these days. I just hope they would survive these hard times. Too bad, my priorities are to let mama and my sister survive.

After all, we're the only ones left. I think dad is already out of our life. The thoughts of him coming back home would create a great rift between us even more.

---

I am having a hard time adjusting to my officemates. Not that I avoid them, but most of the time, I find them too apathetic.

Or probably they're just reflecting the way I treated them.

Suffice to say, I'm still trying to see beyond and discover the uniqueness in each and everyone of them. Medyo hindi ko makita yung mga bagay na ma-iinterest ako sa kanila.

Another day. probably in the long run, I'd be bonded with them. Sana, before I get completely bored with what I'm doing right now.

Still, I'm holding on. The thought of thousands of young boys and girls still scouring the streets of Makati, Ortigas, Alabang and Libis to look for a job opening stills contentment in me.

---

I'm sleepy. I'm blabbing jagged thoughts, which should have been expressed better this evening.

I have to remind myself to download some songs of Kitchie Nadal soon.

The First and Last Sunny Confrontation

I will never forget this night.

For the first time, I hanged the phone on my dad. I got all fed up with all his strong words to our financial manager. It seems like the crisis has gotten him. My mom think that his decision making and management abilities have already been impaired. God sawa na ako. Hindi ko na kayang marinig ang panglalait niya sa mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko pa.

Pasensya na, I was about to write a lighter blogger entry when he called. Shempre ako naman nakakaramdam na maglalabas ng sama ng loob sakin yung tao so bri-nace ko na ang sarili ko. He told me, pumasok ako ng maaga mamaya dahil kami na daw ang magtatake-over ng accounting department. He'll show Ms Delia who's the boss in the company. Hirit ko naman, "wala namang umaagaw sa position mo ah."

I don't want to recollect all the verbal trade-offs we had, but suffice to say, I was very very close to telling him all the resentments I have kept throughout this time. Mahirap na, baka bigla na lang ma-stroke yung kausap ko sa kabilang line, mabuti ba bagsakan ko na lang ng telepono sabay magpretend na nagkaroon ako ng nervous breakdown at nagwawala sa banyo pagtawag ulit.

Of course, I'm not the type of person who'll break down because of a problem. I would rather run away than being swallowed by it. Sa totoo hindi ko alam, hindi ko na alam kung sino ang papakinggan ko. After I slammed the phone, I immediately talked to his sister, which is the production manager to assess the situation.

And I found out that we're indeed in a very grim scenario.

I well understand how deadly our predicament is. I am very well aware that anytime everything would fall. But would it be better that despite the threats and crisis we face everyday, we face it with a peace of mind and a united heart? Problema kasi, mukhang wala nang tiwala tong tatay ko sa Finance Manager. I know by heart that the Finance Manager is doing everything to keep the company afloat. I know that most of the time, she's alone in her fight, kaming dalawa ni papa nagtatago sa kung saang sulok ng kama.

But can you blame me? How can a 22 year old resolve a problem reserve for elders and experienced businessmen? I can do much, but without the money, and the necessary authority to back me, everyone would think that I am just a mere kid. I've seen it before, I attended a dealers meeting and a lot of them we're a bit surprised why the company sent a kid to deal with big people. Ok lang sana sa akin, but when people starts to treat you as a kid, treating you to the point that they compare you to their own kids, diba parang nakaka-engeng rin?

My mom thinks I'm already nursing a tattered soul. Minsan nga naiisip ko, sa sobrang dami kong dapat isipin, madaling-araw na lang ang time ko para maging bata. I mean enjoy the small things that doesn't involve dialogue or compromise, or management or money. Minsan, mismong pagyoyosi na lang eh big break na sakin kasi feeling ko demure pa rin ako kapag naka-marlboro kahit tense na tense na ako.

Pasensya na talaga. I know some anonymous reader would laugh at my predicament, but you know what, sometimes I would really wanted to trade places with people who doesn't have to think big... to worry about everything aside from themselves. Seriously, I envy people who just have to worry about where to get their next money for their gym or watching movies, or buy the latest fashion craze. Inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong hawak nila ang sarili nilang buhay kasi ako hindi ko maafford mag-isip ng ganun. I would always have to think about my mom and my sis, about the business and everyone around it.

I know, I still learn from everything that's happening to me, pero minsan naiisip ko na rin talaga kung saan ba ako patungo. I prepared myself before for an empire in a bed of roses, pero ngayon, even just a moment of tranquility has its price. Our predicament made me think about a lot of things... and envy a lot of people of my age. Buti na lang wala sa isip ko ang mag-asawa kundi paano na ang mama at utol ko.

Minsan, nakakapagod maglakad sa tunnel na hindi mo alam kung kailan makikita ang liwanag. Everyone is telling me to surrender everything, end let my dad suffer his own fate, parang hindi ko rin kaya sumuko. Hindi ko na alam kung paano gagawin at sa totoo lang, ayaw ko nang makisali pa sa gulo. I tried my best to maintain order despite the crisis, but when the head itself is the one destroying the order... then I can't do anything about it.

Andami ko pang gustong sabihin pero kahit utak ko hindi ko na makita kung nasaan. Dapat sana marami akong ikwekwento tungkol sa mga novelties na nangyari sa buhay ko pero laging na-oovershadow ito ng problema ko sa trabaho. Gusto kong humanap ng buhay pero habang naiipit ako sa mga sitwasyon na hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin, mas gusto ko pang maging patay.

I am very very tired.

and in my dreams, I just want everything to end.

Ferris Wheel Ride

All was silent when I came to the office late this afternoon.

Actually, I wasn't so sure what happened. But I chose not to know everything because the truth will hurt me even more. I wasn't planning to go to work. In fact, the only thing that I'm really excited about was the pre-housewarming party called off by the fabulous divas of the OUTsiders.

But there are still a few things I am good at, and it's making people talk out the conflicts they have against each other. The whole afternoon, I was moderating a meeting between the head of the Advertising and Editorial Department. The lessons I've learned from working in the Ad Agency truly is pricesless, for it is there I get the examples and understandings I share with the people who listens and accepts me as their leader.

Despite the trouble and endless babblings. I hope both parties understood their mistakes. It's quite hard to fix misunderstandings and personal vendettas but right at this moment, it's the only thing I've been really good at.

Before I left the company premises, I saw the Finance Manager, weary and haggard. It seems like she's fighting a lone battle which I cannot give my full support. Only acknowledgements that despite her failures, I am still concerned with what she's been up to... That I am still trying to help her gain support from my dad's only sister and production manager.

And I knew that our bank indeed closed our account this afternoon. And the company is back to near zero, just where we all started a year ago.

---

For the first time, I had a heart to heart talk with my dad. I told him how much I felt useless in all these problems - that I see myself in a situation where I cannot even move a finger. Ever since I've seated in my position right now in the office, I tried to prepare myself for the worst thing that could ever happen in our empire - to seat in my dad's position if something bad happened to him.

Weird how things change: Before, I was extremely confident that I could manage everything despite his absence. But the challenges and pressures that come to us makes me realize that as I grow older, as I learn more about the inner workings of the company, the more I cannot take his seat as the President. That my own guts doesn't even reach his very legs.

I could say a thousand regrets about my father in this entry alone, but when it comes to big big troubles, he still manages to show his strength. I am perfectly sure that he's much more afraid than I do, but when I see how he makes sure he doesn't show his fears makes me admire him even more. He may be a lousy dad, but his strength of character especially in times like these, shows how much he is a father to me.

If I saw those traits a long time ago, perhaps I would not have to look for it in other men, thus in turn wouldn't turn me to a PLU looking for a big brother, a stronger guy who would be by my side to protect me.

He might never read this post, but for the first time, I admit how unprepared and unseasoned I am to be of the same caliber such as him.

---

We had a minor fight with my bud this evening and it's about a girl I've been very jealous of. Tangina, nakikipagkumpetensya ako sa kepyas and Meng Meng was right, why should I, in the first place, I don't have one to even challenge her.

My point is, I am extremely jealous because we are in the relationship and despite everything, we're still covered by our commitment and it includes even the kepyas gender.

What if I do the same, what if I pretend to have an interest with a kepyas, would phanks react the same?

---

Finally, I am very much relieve to see some of the ODDERs again. For two weeks the space between the boys have been silence, yet tonight we rocked the bachelor's pad. I do hope it would become our new headquarters. After all, I do enjoy hanging out with these guys. I don't care if I would become a diva one day, as long as I am with my family, the only people I would really want to live a lifetime with (aside from phanks), I'll do my best to preserve everything we have worked for the last two years of my existence as a PLU.

Kampai mga wapo, kampai!!!