The Long Goodbye

I have formally submitted my resignation letter this morning.

It took me several days before I had finally came to a decision, after all, despite the love-hate relationship I had with that company, I've found my place there. Surprisingly, despite the complains and upsets I had while working with them, somehow I felt that they are my family. That we had this invisible bond that connects me to each and every one of them no matter how
I try to remain distant.

As much as possible, I don't want to remind myself that I have only days remaining before I say my goodbyes. As much as possible, I don't want to imagine a life again without a direction - since being the boss in your own business demands that you should find your own objectives; that you are the one expected to lead your entire flock.

Secretly, I still wish to remain in a state where I am now. I would like to remain a follower, rather than the one being followed. The responsibilities ahead of me is much bigger than what I can manage, add to that the looming problems at home and in the family may render me completely helpless.

Right now, I already see myself as a wanderer once again. I feel like a drifting wood with no certain direction to go...

Sometimes I ask myself why I can't be allowed to live my own life? Why can't I find such security and contentment that I wouldn't ask for more?

Honestly, I found a temporal security while working in SENCOR. And on saturday, that temporal bliss would gradually lift to show an uncertain expanse ahead of me.

I feel sad, not because of the uncertainties... what makes my heart ache is the fact that I'll gonna miss everyone of them, especially now that I've realized that I am home.

Isang Taon Na Pala

This is the first time I'll be posting in my blog. Phew, it was a very long time since I did these things. Maybe its time to move on, everybody's doing it so why can't I?

- February 24, 2004

Ginawa ko tong blog na ito para makisabay sa blog-fever na nangyayari noon sa OUTsiders. Di ko akalain na sa tinagal tagal ng pagbloblog namin, isa pala ako sa mag-susurvive ng isang taon. Kay bilis lang pala ng sandali. Dati rati nagrereklamo lang ako tungkol sa mga self destruction nights na nagaganap tuwing may Paragon Contingent. Ilang beses ko rin sinulat sa blog ang mga events na nangyayari sa mga contingents namin, sabagay ako naman talaga ang masipag na nagsusulat ng mga nangyari tungkol sa mga gimik naming ganun.

Nasaksihan ng blog ko ang mga di namin pagkakaunawaan ni phanks, pati na rin ang di namin pagkakaunawaan ng tatay ko. Sa sobrang dami ko nang nasulat, at na-record tungkol sa mga nangyari sa aking buhay, hindi ko alam kung paano ko pagdidikitin ang mga pira-pirasong kwento ng buhay ko sa loob ng isang taon.

Parang kailan lang ang lahat... etong post na ito ay para sa isang taong ka-sentihan ko dito sa blog. Sa mga nakisama at nakibasa sa kwento ng aking buhay.

Maraming salamat.

blog creates deep friendships among people who haven't personally met yet.

Postcripts from the ICU

It took me two hours before the attending resident had finally completed the form required to claim my father's pension plan. For two hours, I was forced to wait for him inside the Intensive Care Unit as they attend to this dying patient who was stabbed several times in his chest - abdomen area. From where I am standing, I saw them putting some sort of a tube device in his mouth and at the same time providing him with oxygen through the rubber thigamajigie that resembles a big balloon.

Around me were different semi-conscious and comatose patients with different ailments. I was told that one of the patients near the door suffered a head injury, while in front of me had an abdominal operation... I think. Working there requires a strong mind and tough spirit. Seeing different patients in that state may remind you of your own love ones. You'd see them in the faces of those who lie in that room.

I think this is my weakness. I tend to get serious and upset with my gentle emotions. No wonder, I define strength as the state free from all emotions - especially those that will render me weak and helpless. The resident who was there when dad died was cordial enough to entertain my conversations. We had a fun time while it lasted, I even doubted whether he was a PLU or not, since I have this general thought that doctors nowadays tend to be "non-straights".

Lately, I see myself as capricious decision maker. I tend to decide on things, only to reconsider my decisions after further re-examination. I was in the mood to party tonight. I even claimed that I will take back Malate after being absent for oh-so-many months. But after I've got home, I've realized that playing SIMS2 and writing an entry in my blog would compensate the time I'll spend partying in BED.

Besides, the cost of partying would be a further loss to my savings, since my speaker had been busted this afternoon and I will need a replacement soon.



So for the second time this month, I decided not to party at the eve of a party night.

PGH, The Return

Passing through the quiet corridors of the Philippine General Hospital reminds me of my brief stay there.

Still, there are a handful of visitors too poor to return to a relatives' house somewhere around the Metro would put up a carton box or a linen cloth in one of its hallowed grounds while waiting for their beloved patients to recover, or perhaps enter the grace of God.

The narrow stairs leading to the ICU remains somber and lonely. Hidden to most passersby at the ground floor, its steps have witnessed my sadness while I was passing through them, it absorbs my desire of having everything simply end - that our stay there would just be a horrible nightmare and that we would wake up one morning resuming the life we left before, before we recieved a call that fateful afternoon from his sister informing us that dad had a stroke.

Opening the doors of CICU, the familiar smell of alcohol, disinfectants and the bleeping sound of the life-support machines pierces through my mind. It wakes up the painful memories that I've been trying too hard to simply forget. It opens up a vision when my dad lies there, in coma and dying... waiting for his turn to leave for the great beyond.

Looking at the unconscious patients, I see my father in all of them - vulnerable, afraid, and possibly helpless at their state. It awakes the memories of my father's stay there. It awakes my perpetual fear of having a loved one seeing in that forsaken room.

Heavier than the first blow of being there several weeks before,
I left the whole compound wishing...

that this painful memory would simply leave me in peace.

Immobile

And then one evening I've realized that the only way
to escape it all - to at least forget how deep and painful it can be
is to drown myself in beer.

Perhaps tomorrow, I will run away
to the night and declare that for once I am free;
that sadness and depression has not caught with me
yet.

Sana

I found myself humming this tune this afternoon after I saw the coke commercial at a G-Liner Bus on the way to Taft.

Sana masabi sa awit kong ito
Lahat ng ninanais nitong puso ko
Sana saan man patungo sa buhay
May pag-ibig may pag-asa, may saya at saysay
Sana sa bawat sandali matikman pa
Sarap ng pagsasama at simpleng ligaya
Tara na, sakyan lang
Malay mo
Andyan lang, andyan lang ang hinahanap mo...



The song reflects what I really like to have at this moment.

---

One of the biggest huddles we had this week has been solved. It took a little manouvering though, especially when the bank manager tries to deny my mom her right to be one of the company's signatory after she failed to produce another valid ID.

I saw how assertive she was, yet in that state, I found her silently praying that her logic would penetrate the manager's boxed mind. In the end, the manager was convinced that they could allow her to be a signatory since we have a good track record on our bank account at one of their branches.

Finally, the operation of my dad's security agency can already resume its normal routine. We won't push anything for the meantime to ensure that peace could be achieve between mom and the other existing shareholder.

And I want to thank God for weaving these things according to our wishes.

Burnout

Paalam na at kailangan kitang isuko.
Ako'y pabigat na sa iyong pagtakbo
at ikaw naman ay laking alala sa aking mga plano.
Nawa'y maging matuwid sana ang daang ating iiwanan
habang ako naman ay sumasabay papalubog
sa malamig na tubig dagat ng dapithapon.

Nawa'y maalala mo sana ako
lagi. Alam kong malaking kawalan ito
para sa akin at sa aking mga binubuhay.
Ngunit sadyang ganito ang tadhana...

Paalam na.

---

I will submit my resignation letter tomorrow to personally
draw the future, or end of whatever remains of my dad's
businesses and properties.

Diversions

Despite a number of crisis looming over us, I would like to dedicate this entry for the sidelines: The things that happened to me these past few days.

: I've been working on an irregular basis since monday. One day I'll report for work, the following day - other important iteraries would break my work routine again. Been exerting effort to inform my very kind supervisor about the problems I am facing right now. At least I am confident that she would inform my bigger bosses the reasons why I am having a fucked up schedule since dad died two weeks ago.

Unfortunately, I am planning to submit a resignation letter this week. No matter how I want to secure my freedom working for others, I think that the responsibility of salvaging whatever is left of my dad's businesses rests in my hands.

: If there are routines that needed to be maintained, one of those would be my daily meet-ups with Phanks. You see, even at these most difficult times, relationships still remains one of my most important priorities. Kahit makita lang siya't makasama for a few minutes ok na sakin. I've been inviting him to sleep over my house kaso ayaw naman niya eh.

: Since dad died, my sister seems cooperative when it comes to house rules. Sabagay this time tatlo na lang talaga kami. I needed to protect her and my mom even more now that there are unseen threats that lurk within our realms. If only we can maintain our quiet existence before these things happened.

Kahit na hirap sa pera basta tahimik ok na sakin.

: My previous work, the Ad Agency informed me that I have until the 28th to submit my resume to them. They want me back... And I want them back in my life too! Kaso hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging role ko ngayon sa businesses ni papa.

The worst position I might land in his company is the head itself. Tsk.tsk.

: Can exes be friends? Napansin ko nung nakaburol si Dad na super close kami ng ex-gf ko before. Nakakainis, bakit kasi gago ako nun eh! Ngayon, how can I explain to her that I found a more interesting preference? Hirap yun ha, lalo na't OUT na ako sa iba kong classmates.

: And speaking of preferences, parang hindi ata active ang PLU life ko these days? La lang, feeling ko kung wala siguro akong buddy baka celibate na ako ngayon eh... o kaya hetero ulit. I miss my BrOdders. Kung hindi kasi nagkasakit si mama last saturday, nakapunta tiyak ako sa UP Fair kasama sila.

: I was about to post an entry last night about our meeting with Batas Mauricio, however I forgot that my internet was not working so I ended up loosing the whole entry. tsk. tsk. tsk.

Just Like In The Warzone

Ever felt the world around you feels so heavy, that no matter how you put order and lightness in your life, you end up in a slup?

Ever felt someone follows your every move, like you're being watched from a distance by someone hostile towards you, that they are waiting for your vulnerabilities to show then they would attack you without mercy?

Ever felt that you cannot trust people around you, that you see their darker motives first before you see their better purpose? Ever felt been caught in the crossfire, trying to put some sense on some people who simply want to mess up your life?

Ever felt that you loved your previous hell more, than the hell you are in now and you feel helpless since every person you love is with you in that hell you haven't really created?

Damn, I really miss our quiet life. Tomorrow, there's a big showdown coming our way. In some split of madness, I would rather like to see everything comes crashing down, rather than bow to a monster my dad created for his own.

From Ground Zero

Haven't slept yet, but I decided to go to work anyway.

In just two weeks, the whole event changed my routine, my life, the way I see things. Mom is still sick, but she have to attend some meetings this afternoon to decide the fate of my dad's businesses.

If I were to choose my destination, I would rather walk the more quiet road. We're better off without those businesses, but as my mom have said - it is my dad's lifetime project. It's our obligation to salvage it if ever possible.

And today marks the start of the struggle.

And no matter how I try to close my eyes, the sounds of incoming scenarios fills my mind.

I just wanted a simple, quiet life
I just want to be a simple worker.

But this is now my calling.

No matter how I try to show hesitation and avoidance,
I just know. It's my path.

I am the new king.

Piece of Heaven

I would like to see myself in heaven with my mom and sister beside me, in a simple white house over a hill, overlooking a breathtaking view of a city and the sea beyond, under a peaceful purple-orange sky.

This is heaven for me. If ever heavens really exist, I would like to see myself being there in that setting.

---



For days now, I've been trying to finish the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. It was lent to me by my sister weeks before dad passed away. As a habit, I read books to fight boredom. I've been reading the book while waiting for papers to be processed when I was in City Hall. It has also been my companion for healing, and accepting that somehow, dad is already in a journey to find the answers that will unveil the story of his life.

---

The book is about the story of how Eddie, an amusement park mechanic who died of a ride accident meets 5 people in heaven that holds some key moments in his life. They teaches him some basic facts about living and dying, of forgiveness and finally the revelation that everything that happens in our life has always an underlying purpose.

Halfway through the book, I begin to understand the reasons why things happen. In fact, the book has served as a reminder for me to let go and move on towards my own way of finding a sense of purpose.

If only, what was written in the book reflects on how we see the heavens... at least, in reincarnation, a life would be revealed before it begins another cycle.

Saan Tayo Magsisimula

babangon
pupulutin ang mga nagkalat na
damit na naiwan ng
ikaw ay lumisan.

titingin sa bintana
at pagmamasdan ang
dapithapon ng iyong buhay,
ang iyong mga ala-ala'y
bakas pa rin sa aming mga
kamay.

muli
ay bubuksan namin
ang pintuan ng iyong
opisina.
susubukang halungkatin
ang mga papel na iniwan mo
sa iyong pag alis.

kasabay ng ihip ng
hanging bumubulong ng iyong
pangalan, bubuuin namin
ang mga pirapirasong
gunita ng iyong isipan,
dahan dahan naming ibabangon
ang iyong nahulog na dambana

at unti unti naming buburahin
ang mga dumi mula sa bintana ng
iyong kwarto.

sayang,
sa iyong pagmamadali
iniwan mo ang iyong
panyong magpapaalala sana
sa ating naulilang nakaraan.

Premonitions and Hauntings

Act One: Premonitions

Exactly a month before his death, we have noticed that he was trying to go back to us. He would drop by at home for no reason at all. He did pay for the FX's maintenance expenses, as well as ensured that a water pump would be delivered at home before Valentines day.

People around him said that during his last month, he became unusually kind and empathic, which by nature he was not. He once said that whatever betrayals his former friends did to him were already forgiven. "Past is past" he said, no one thought that it would be his informal bidding of goodbye.

At one time, he was asking me if I would like to have a scooter. I just scoffed the idea since I am already busy with work. Besides, I'm already 23 years old. Scooters are for teenagers. I never thought that he was trying to get close to me - to bridge the distance that set us apart after he have declared to mom that he already has a second family.

In his depression, he was seen eating at some foodstore in his hometown of Navotas. People have thought that he might have just missed the feeling of returning home, after a long and hard journey as a businessman and publisher. No one thought that he was conveying a desire to return home - that in death, he would like to be closest to the place where he was born.

I sensed it before that something weird was going on. But I never bothered, the hatred was just too deep to even noticed such tiny, subconcious message that his time is near. But no matter how swift his death was, he was vindicated. He died beside us, his sins forgiven by the entire family.

---

Act Two: Hauntings

We just got home from the funeral. Since I was already feeling quite spooked out due to the thoughts of him haunting me, I decided to open the TV to keep me company. I then checked out my yahoo to look for emails.

My aunt from the US sent me an email to extend their condolences, and I decided to reply to her mail. Tired and exhausted, I had a hard time composing my letter so I decided to press the mute button of the TV to type my message.

After typing the message, I pressed again the mute button for the sound to resume. But to my surprise, the TV was unexplainably been shut off. I then pressed the on button but the TV won't open. I found out that the cord was unplugged by someone. I then told them what happened the following day.

---

The night after burial, there was a sudden cool breeze blowing in my face - it was cold but there was no breeze. I tried to downplay what had happened, but it still remains a mystery why there was pocket of coldness when the air in my feet and body was warm.

---

It was reported this afternoon that in my dad's room in his office, there emanates a cold breeze behind the doors. The guards thought that someone left his aircon open, but there was no one inside. A wood panel from his office window suddenly fell off hitting someone from Malacanang. To everyone's surprise, the wood panel was completely intact in his office when they check it out.

Lastly, someone saw a huge black bird came out from his office. What mystifies everyone was that his windows were all closed when my aunt checked out his room the following day.

Human

pasensya na kung hanggang sa ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano kakausapin ang blog ko. Masyado lang akong puno ng lungkot, ng takot at pangamba sa mangyayayari sa aming tatlo. Hindi ko lang inaasahan na magkakaganito ang pakiramdam ko - sobrang empty wala akong alam na sasabihin.

alam kong tumatawid na ako sa dagat ng depresyon. ayaw ko na nga gumalaw eh. gusto ko lang magkulong sa loob ng kwarto, manood ng nickolodeon at hindi na magtrabaho hanggang sa susunod na linggo. masyadong mabilis ang pagkawala niya. masyado kong dinamdam ang hindi pagkakaroon ng panahong makipagusap sa kanya.

pasensya na, ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng nawalan. hindi mo alam kung ano ang pupulutin mo at paano ka makakapagmove on. matapos ang pakikiramay ng iba, matapos ang burol, ang pagproproblema sa paglilibingan at pakikipag-usap sa mga taong nakasama niya.

ganito pala.

ramdam mo na ang pagkawala ng tatay mo kapag mag-isa ka na lang sa kwarto.

Blogger Note

I'm sorry guys if I haven't posted any entry for the past few days. My dad's passing somehow took words from me.

But before silence consumes phankspace again, I want to leave this poem I wrote back in college - at the height of Erap's impeachment trial.

This pages have seen all the angst and hatred I had for him. I've casted him in a bad light even at the last weeks of his life. This time, as a show of respect, and appreciation to the man,

This is for you dad. I'm sorry
I never had the chance to give this to you when you were still alive.

---

Toro X-Files


It was a miracle
when you finally
agreed to sign a cheque
for all our dues
after so many months
of openly pleading
and secretly revolting
against your erratic proclamations.

And it was an eternal bliss
when you surprised me
of paying the upgrading
of my pain-in-the-ass
computer especially now
that the storms are gathering
within our sight threatening
to bring destruction to those
who would resist the king -

like I, always been silent
to your irresponsibilities to us
to the point of bursting into flames.

Was it because of your whims
or it is a sign of...

I do not wish to think.

I browsed Toro
before I left the office
thinking you have gave-in
to the oppressive rulers
who pillaged our lands
to the point of breaking everything
apart.

But you were not bribed.

You may never know
how I praised the sun
or licked the immoral
pages of our life-giver today,
just to show how I look up
to the galaxies and tell the universe
how proud I am of you.

This fiery evening,
your blood once again pulsed
beneath my skin;
in my veins waking up
my sleeping self,
your forgotten self
ready to be unleashed
as soon as the call of arms
is needed to save tomorrow.

It's time to wake up.

But
before everything is ready
to stand by your side,
Mom told me that the dark
forces are following your steps
ready to silence you once and for all.

May God protect you
in the most vigilant of times.

I will follow you soon.

In Silence

Gone - he's gone.
How do you feel about it?
That's what I thought.
You're real torn up about it.
And I wish you the best
I could do without it
And I will because you've worn me down
Oh, I will because you've worn me down

- Rachel Yamagata, Gone

Something to be Proud Of

After I've read the article, my first thought was we should overthrow the government.



Indeed, the first gay marriage that happened between 2 NPA soldiers has put us again in the LBGT spotlight. ILGA, which is the International LBGT organization has cited the country as one of the most gay-friendly nations on the planet, despite the general perception that religion and lifestyle tend to conflict.



For years we have struggled to become the mainstream, and for a time, I was there when the chatgroups have organized themselves in order to have a unified voice.



---



I hope that the gay marriage among the reds would inspire our government to pass laws that would give more rights to people like me. I can't help but to be proud of their achievements - to the point of giving more respect to these people whom I percieved as magulo and bayolente.



Even phanks can't believe that it really did happened. At the back of his mind, his thoughts was

how can people who hold guns and kill people can become homosexuals.



Perhaps, its because of the prevailing culture. The reason why we cannot find our voice is that

our culture dictates that bading equates to parlorista, and parlorista equates to effeminacy.



---



Only few of us knows, that we have a great heritage to be proud of. Generals who have fought and won countless wars before Christ was born were gays. The elite soldiers in the Greek armies were gays, and is mandated to have a lover among his rank. The Muslims, who were considered to be homophobic were actually percieved by the Europeans before as "bisexuals."



Wikipedia taught me a lot about who we are, and why should we be very proud of what have become. I'm sure, perhaps in the next generation an out gay president will rule a country.



In this lifetime, the chance of me having a marriage of my own (gay of course) has become more of a possibility than it has been before.

Traditions

One thing that makes me proud of my matrilineal heritage is that we have a very very strong tradition that reinforces our relationships with the entire family. We celebrate birthdays together, as well as Christmas and New Year under one roof. That bond allowed us to survive the most complicated conflicts between families and celebrate the greatest of all victories whenever it occurs.

And I think traditions is what would make the ODDERs survive the most difficult and changing times. As the years go by, we've realized that we are already forming our own traditions - traditions that would allow us to remain a brotherhood for a lifetime.

---

Yesterday, I was invited to attend Chrispee's birthday bash in Pampanga. The invitation was sent over a week ago. But since I am having a hard time coping far away from home due to my new nature, it took me a lot of personal convincing before I have completely committed myself in organizing the contingent leaving for San Fernando.

It took a hell lot of time before we have finally converged along Edsa last saturday night... and it took us longer to wait for the chance bus going to San Fernando at that unforgiving rush-hour. Fortunately, a bus from Pasay have decided to take more passengers in the station, and the six of us who made it to there were lucky enough to find seats still vacant.

---

Last year, Paldeng also invited us to his birthday. Only a very few of us had made it there but it was a complete blast. That event made us realize that it's not the numbers that matter - it is how deep our bond was and how we enjoyed the party despite a lot of us missing the party.

Of course this time, we understood it already. It didn't matter anymore how many of us had made it. What's important is that we will enjoy the party there and bond with the host and those who have joined us in that important moment..

---

"Pinakilala kami ni Chris sa mga barkada niyang tibo. Had some good chat with them. Pagkatapos niya kaming busugin sa mga Pampanga specialties nila. Omeng called. Masayang masaya ako dahil sa muling pagkakataon, nagkausap muli ang dalawa sa pinakamatalik kong kapatid sa ODDERs. Sulit sulit na rin ang pagpunta ko doon dahil sa magandang balitang pinaalam nila sa akin.

Matapos kumain, nagpahinga kami sandali sa Mariah-inspired na kwarto ni Chris. Di ko matandaan kung ano ang ginawa namin sa kwarto niya at kung bakit tumagal kami ng isang oras ng nakahilata lang - pero matapos noon, pumunta ulit kami sa Angeles upang balikan ang mga lugar na pinuntahan namin doon nung isang taon.

Papasok sa isang subdivision kung saan naglipana ang mga iba't ibang bars doon, bumalik kaming muli sa Club Sax sa labas - kung saan tinuturing itong BED ng Angeles City sa dami ng PLUs upang magboylet watching. Ang pagbabalik ko dito ay tanda ng pagisingin muli ng nahihimbing na clubber sa akin. Sa totoo lang, matapos lumipad si Omeng patungong America, nakalimutan ko na kung paano magclubbing sa teritory ng mga PLU. Kagabi na lang muli naulit ang gimik kong ganun - at lubos lubos kong nilasap ang isang gabing kalayaan sa piling ng mga bading sa Pampanga...

---

Last year, Paldeng rented out a hotel for the six of us. However this year, Omeng had convinced him that we would fit in, the seven of us in his room. So we made our way back - after Roy and Bench had "harrassed" all the good-looking guys in the club, as well as Bench being "harrassed" by the guy who was also in the jeep going back to Paldeng's place.

We woke up the following morning refreshed and happy. They were picking up Jio and his buddy, while watching them being intimate of each other reminded me of my own bud who was here in Manila.

Anyway, we spent the whole day locked up in Chris' room playing "konek-konek the stars" (Celebrity quiz game) and watching Imelda before going home. The objective of the konek-konek was to avoid ending the connection and links of stars with a gay celebrity. In short, ang magbanggit ng bading na artista ay matsutsugi sa laro.

As have been proven last year, I believe that despite our numbers. We have managed to make the most of our stay there. Personally, this is the best way of renewing my bonds to my fellow brODDERs. It is also a good way of demonstrating that despite the changes that is constantly happening in the group. We remain close to each other, as we have always did before.

I'm sure, Jio's buddy, Patrick and Stan's buddy Migs enjoyed their first sleepover/overnight bonding with us. As far as I know, Roy and Bench made us feel home and comfortable with their entertainment - especially Roy's classic rendition of Mahal's enchanting voice.

"Roy paano nga ulit pag nalibugan si Mahal kay Manong?"
"Magkano ang singil ni Mahal pag pingger?"
"Paano kapag nagduet si Mahal at si Regine?

With Roy joining last night's party, the nights were filled with laughter. I hope that these guys did enjoyed the party as well.

---

Before going home, I decided to visit James and tell everything that happened at Chris' party, as well as the events that happened during the last three weeks.

You see, I can't even remember the last time I saw kapatid. But our senti talk over a beer this evening had completely paid off.

We've talked about the party that took place, the group, the people in the ODDERs and those who we haven't seen for a very long time. It's sad that most of us are already busy with our own careers and buddies, unlike before when we still had the time to enjoy everything from morning till the next morning.

We reminisced our best days, as well as talked about the weaknesses of the group and how we would address those in the future.

Sayang, hindi siya nakasama because of work. It's the main reason why we rarely meet nowadays - because of work. I hope one day, we can have our own big house where we can stay there, live there, hang out there as long as we wanted.

That way, work would not disrupt our get-togethers anymore.

---

One key topic we have agreed upon this evening is that we would not invite newbies anymore. We have seen how they dilute our very own friendships. We've also realized that new guys are having a very difficult time adapting to us. Perhaps, the next member of the ODDERs would be the buddy of someone among us. We will leave the fishing permanently outside the group from now on.

Back to Paldeng's celebration, truth is the party allowed me to find my place again - within the PLU society, as well as revived my bonds again with the people who I've been with ever since I accepted my preference.

I had a well spent weekend in San Fernando. Thanks bud for the food and the warm accommodation. Thank you for allowing us to bond with you and with those who were there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
See you again soon.

What The Fuck!

I got this test from Stan. Just typed my name 'Joms' and here's what I've got:

My name is You are a fully fledged homosexual, you don't even try to deny it..

Take WHAT YOUR NAME MEANS today!

Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Money Matters (Don't read this If we share the same burden)

Tang-ina



I had just computed my income less the money I contribute for home expenses for one month. By the looks of it, that leaves me around 2K free money from my 5-digit salary for 30 days!



I should be more strict with how I manage my finances. I should be more obssesed with ways on gaining more from my moolah! I need to upgrade my PC which would cost me 6k in 3 months time.



secretly, It constantly worries me on what if my dad's company decides to stop putting *bleep* in my account. How on earth would we survive with just half of my income sustaining the entire household? What if I loose this job and loose that stipulation altogether?



Just thinking about it makes me feel nervous and insecure.

A year ago, I would have allotted all that money just for my savings and phanks.

With Eyes Half Open

Bills! Bills! Bills!



When will it stop from running after me? I just got home this evening, tired and exhausted from work and the first thing I saw in the side table was our cable bill!



Grabe na itu.



This week alone, I shed 2 thousand peysos to pay for my globe bill and a partial for our telephone bill. Tomorrow, I will have to shed again 1.5k to pay for the maid and our food consumption for the week. In 15 days, I will have to pay again for my globe bill, plus half of the electricity bill and of course, the maid.



Well it's a never-ending cycle. The only thing that seperates me now from complete bankrupcy is my new bank account, which I vowed to put 1k every payday.



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That's the reason why even money to spend to gimmick comes very hard these days. In fact, nightlife has become the least of my priorities. Overbudgeting has forced me to cut all my personal expenses to a minimum - in order to maximize the money I can save and utilize for emergency purposes.



I dreamed of running my own business before, and looking at how I juggle everything that I earn, I think my life has become a one big business enterprise!!!



whattalayp.



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There were times when I would be tempted to spend even a 100 bucks for food, but my conscience would always remind me that a hundred bucks can allow me to survive one day at work.



Whenever these things happen, I keep reminding myself what papu have said before about enjoying one's youth. I try my best to let go sometimes and unwind or spend something for myself, but whenever those opportunities come, my new enemy naman comes in the form of exhaustion. Instead of gimmick, I tend to tuck myself in bed.



Life's aint fair sometimes... but I'm not complaining. I am merely voicing out my thoughts, now that I'm still in the process of adjusting into these new kind of life. I just have to find some answers as to how I can enjoy my youth despite the balancing act I do in order to keep my sanity intact.



I would like to rant some more, but time is running out. Barely 2 hours after I got home, I am already sleepy.



And I still want to see my whammy boylets woohoo to each other in Sims2.

Between You and the Afterlife

I'd rather stay with you till the end

than to surrender you just like that.



I love you...

and that love will remain as long

as you still believe that we will

always be us.

Between You and Me

Physically speaking, my confidence is down. I see myself as a big, fat, smelly whiny pig these days. In fact, I have gauge my confidence level to be in an all time low based on how I get attracted to people around me. It's something to be concerned about if you ask me, but generally speaking, I'm not yet depressed.



In fact I think this state is my greatest deterrent for committing a mistake. I can't flirt around since I percieve myself as unattractive. That is why I don't make an effort to look good because I know that it might lead into something, that I would regret later on.



However, this state also means that I am more insecure in my relationship with phanks than I've ever been before. So far, my paranoia hasn't attacked me yet so that means I'm still holding on. I do have these inferior feelings though but it doesn't affect my overall sanity yet.



You see, I've observed that people around me looks better and better whenever I look at their pictures in friendster. People around me seems to have a lot of good news to celebrate, while I...

well at least, I have opened a new bank account that I will use for my savings. It was papu who suggested the idea, however, persuading Banco De Oro to accept my application took months before I found out that I have already a shared account with them thru my mom's account.



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Last week, I was so close to breaking up with Phanks. Whenever we get into a fight, he seems to have become more defiant than before. There were times when I would ask him if I committed a mistake, but he would just ignore me. The last time he did it, I almost told him that it would be our last night together. After a few hours, he was the one trying really hard to console me on our way home, but I was already the one putting up a defiant stand.



Later that night, he managed to patch things up together. But between you and me, I am already weary. If not only for the upcoming Valentines Day and the celebration of our second year together, I won't give him another chance.



Another fight like that and I think I'll declare my independence. I would rather start all over again, rather than endure the thought of my buddy resembling like my ex.



Isa na lang talaga, I'll threaten to split up with him.



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On the other hand, my close contact with parekoy and all his daring exploits somehow inspires me to seek my own will. Kanya kanyang hawaan lang naman yan eh and whenever I am with him or with some single Odder guy I am comfortable with, I feel like I'm single again - of course, my feelings toward him is already gone, and whatever remains is that of just plain friendship. Masaya lang siya kasama and lately, I'd rather choose to be with my tropa or alone rather than with my bud.



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I know this is bad. This is a very bad sign. And I intend to keep this to myself - and to you of course, who reads my blog. Good thing, I'm not in the mood to flirt around - so if ever the split up happens, I'm sure that it would not really be the end, unless he wanted to.



Tama na nga... the mere thought like this one confuses me. Posting this daring entry - even the thought of it weakens me. I should not be entertaining these thoughts, but it has gone beyond my consciousness - it directly speaks to me now.



I just hope he would learn this time. That he would fulfill his promise to do better, and listen to me whenever I am giving him advises. I'll do my best in thinking the advantage - or practicality of still being with him... I will give my heart time to claim its feelings again. And my mind to think about things.



Honestly, I hate being the one to wrap up things. If ever that happens this would be the first time I will do it. Perhaps, it should do good to think about the mistakes I had, or will do whenever I am uncommitted. That way, it would reinforce my weakening bond to my buddy. Hopefully I can weather this conflict within me. We have been together for so very long, and

I don't want to give it up so easily.

If These Are My Boylets, I Won't Leave Pleasantview Anymore

Von and Clyde Harper, housemates

The Sims2

Brenda Aint Crazy After All

I have discovered a newfound respect and admiration to Miriam Defensor Santiago this evening. It is because of her rhetoric speeches, which, on normal occassions would simply piss off my day.



It's about her expose on the top ten illegal loggers in the country. Exposing those people (proven or otherwise) would serve as a grave warning to those who still continue in that kind of business.



I also love her suggestion that illegal logging should be a crime deemed of a death penalty. Indeed, lawmakers are waking up from their apathy against these kind of profiteering business. I would have been happier if these lawmakers would push the limits by proposing a law banning commercial logging all over the Philippines.



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You see, ever since the Quezon disaster, I've been an advocate for environment restoration and protection. I've seen how the disaster destroyed lives and the environment. I've seen the benefits of more trees in a heavily congested place like Manila.



In fact, the city government is just too crazy to spend on beautification projects worth millions of pesos, when in fact, more tress and plants would do the same effect.



Ampotanginang mga ilaw yan, simpleng lightbulb lang na gawa ng GE, pwede na.



What's more disappointing is that after the project has been completed, they simply leave it without putting people who would maintain it. Look at what happened to Lacson Underpass, Rizal Avenue and the Baywalk. After those projects were completed, they simply moved out and let the tambays do their bidding.



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I hope logging would have a longer media exposure. I hope that it would have such intense media exposure, that politicians who want to earn pogi points would pass a bill completely banning such kind of thing. Aside from that, I hope that they would stop the mining operations here in the country as well. Let's instead promote tourism - eco tourism to be an alternative on such risky, and environmentally unfriendly industries.



Or if we really want to have some logging industries here, lets invite those hi-tech Nordic executives to teach us how to harvest trees. I've heard that there are countries up there who are engaged in such business, without actually hurting the environment.



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Lately, I've been thinking which is more important, humans or the environment.



Minsan kasi, I think there are too many people for the planet to sustain. Everywhere, you can find greed, depression and poverty. Hundreds of thousands of people die because of some ecological disaster - or disasters brought by greed by people who doens't understand what humanity is all about. There were times I doubt if most humans still know who they are, or they have started masquerading to be humans, when in fact they are living like those of the animals.



Sometimes I think, it should be better to sacrifice humans in exchange for the environment. - It would be nicer if those who'll gonna die are those who don't understand nor respect that their lives depend on the ecology surrounding them. After all, it is the environment the sustains all of humanity - a few hundred thousands would not hurt that much.