Live At The Bayfront

Life is a construct.



This phrase reverberates back in my mind on my way towards the sea. The sun was still high

when I arrived here, and my skin who has been denied of sunlight for so long wholeheartedly

embraces the radiance emanating from the shimmering sea.



As I looked at the horizon, I cannot help but focus my thoughts on the calm waters, whose waves gently lulls me to peace. The soft sounds of water touching the rocky shore; the breakwater that seperates me from the great beyond is like a white music that only I could understand as the briny breeze brings me to a world beyond the four corners of our cold and empty office room.



Some curious passersby might think that I'm crazy boy basking under a scorching sun. But like the two foreigners behind me that is being swarmed by lively street kids. I think all of us

have one thing in common for coming here.



To witness life as it unfolds in its most unspoiled state.



The still waters still speaks to me despite the numberless trash that has corrupted her. She says life still endures despite the desecration we have inflicted her. Life has a thousand and one ways to fight back - it is us who doesn't want to listen and to heed to her warnings.



Far beyond, there are still brave souls who embraces the sea's enduring spirit. They swam across polluted waters, trying to prove that life can be found somewhere under the shores' shallow bottom. It was an idyllic afternoon to bask under the sun. The unusual silence is like tranquility you find after dancing a hard and heavy tribal house.



I just hope that in the next lifetime, these things would still be appreciated. I hope the others after me would realize how much fulfillment these balmy afternoon brings, if one has the ears to listen and the eyes to see beyond...



The street kids still tries to impress the two foreign couples, as people from all walks of life suddenly converged around us. In all honesty, I'm not used to this kind of scene; what's more appalling is that these kids should have been in school at this very moment - learning and gaining lessons the world has to offer.



The sun retreats beyond the horizon and the world begins to cool down. Slowly, the baywalk awakens from its slumber after the unusual silence the afternoon brings. I will try to remain here, as long as time would allow. After all, such moments rarely comes nowadays.



I wonder if that brief pause allowed me to tap my innermost thoughts... did the sea reminded me of my purpose? did she told me about anything about life, after seeing the different angles of it, from the foreigner couples, to the curious bystanders, to the sweaty joggers and from the annoying street children?



Whatever the answer would be, I know, I did enjoy this brief respite from monotony. Life has its own way of correcting itself - only to remind us of the things we have cherished most. Indeed, life is construct, it constantly evolves in order to find its purpose.



Life is a construct,

and we are its engineers and architects.

It is us who decides what life we want to live.

+

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Hibernation, Still

I was so close into breaking the habit of avoiding Malate tonight. However, due to unfortunate last-minute concience intervention, I've realized that I have to plan my night outs for the month of February. Next week would be Paldeng's birthday and I have decided to put it on top of my priorities.



It would be very very hard for me to be far away from home next Saturday, but this is a special occassion that I cannot let pass.



Exhausted and severely upset from a very painful incident that happened this evening, I decided to cut my journey short and instead rode a jeep going home.



Malate can always wait.



Besides, I have already drunk my fill when it was still my time.

Awaken

Some whispers have told me...



it's time to return to Malate



it's time I return to BED.

Praise Be To Dance

Ever since I've learned to go clubbing, here's the logo that I always trust when it comes to my music. From my first trance CD to my latest Annual 2004 compilation, The Ministry of Sound

still is the official source of the hippest club sounds being played in bars around the world.



I should have been clubbing tonight. But since I have work tomorrow, I content myself by playing my prized CD on my PC .



Favorite tracks on this compilation are



Milky - Just The Way You Are (Original Extended Remix)

Despina Vandi - Gia (DJ Gregory Mix)

Seelenluft - Manila (Ewan Pearson Remix)

Elton John - Are You Ready For Love (Linus Loves Strobelight Mix)



and



Robbie Rivera - Girlfriend (Juicy Mix)

"Ice Rose"

What if you wake up one morning and looking at your cellphone, an old close girl-friend had sent you a message about the painful things that happened in her life?

And in that message, she was resenting about not listening to your advices before. That it took her a great mistake before she realized that everything she was fighting for was futile, and that
you were correct all along.

---

When I was still straight, I was good at keeping girl-friends close to me, not for chika barkada but for companionship. Sometimes, those companionships turns into a pseudo relationships. But during those days, I was still unaware of how those things work. I was willing to sacrifice everything for love, but I wasn't prepared for the committment. It took me another year before I've learned how to kindle one.

And this lady was one of my lost love. I was too stupid and afraid back then to tell what I really feels for her since I was relatively content with our close bond, our companionship. But when this guy came along to take her, immediately I was rattled. I was forced to make a move - too late. When I was already ready, I found out that they are already the newest couple in town.

But I had managed to tell her straight what I felt during one of our most heated arguments. On the phone, she forced me to explain to her why my tropa was always picking on her boyfriend. I had to tell her that they were "defending" me, that they never approved theirs - that I was madly in love with her, and my friends cannot stand how I was defeated with some guy who was physically more inferior than me. It took us several minutes of silence before we've realized that the greatest secret was already out. It saved our relationship though, but I know, she's one woman who would really fight for her love.

There were rumors, that during the time we were very close, she was already falling for me. That she was forced to take the guy because I was too slow and too unpredictable when it comes to showing my feelings.

Sayang.

Eventually I had my first relationship, which to my surprise, was not the one I am expecting for. But since we had already invested too much on our companionship, I decided to try it, and hope that we would click as couples.

But honestly, I didn't exerted efforts to win her, that's why our relationship had a very very shallow foundation and it disintegrated several weeks after graduation.

---

Sorry Drei and Paulie, if you are reading this.

---

Eventually my girlfriend and I broke up, and the rest was history. Two months have passed and I was already directly flirting with bisexuality.

But they remained, despite the obvious fact that they were already failing. I assumed the role again of being her confidant, now that ex wasn't around anymore.

During the course of time, our communication broke down. I wasn't interested anymore. In fact, we haven't seen each other for, uhm since college.

And when I found out from her what really happened today. Deep inside, a ripple of regret triggered me to dedicate this post to her.

---

It was a lost love indeed, and if we had become us; if I was strong enough to tell her what I felt without turning the pag-amin moment into a disaster. My life had turned something very very different from what I have today.

She's one of the most independent and strong woman I knew in my life. She's the mataray everyone wanted to avoid. But when we start talking, I've always knew how to make a conversation out of everything. I made her laugh, I made her smile, I can even invite her to gimik without her doubting my intentions. She was the only girl I've brought to the breakwater, where we watched the sun sets as the warm soothing waves washed our feet. I dated her in an expensive restaurant, watched several movies without creating any rumors in a class where the tsismis is the first agenda of the day.

We've managed to keep everything secret, just like what two manly lovers do. And it was, one of the best memories I have with someone I fell in love with but lost.

---

Phanks was asking me a while ago who was my "first love" was and as he urged me to spill the beans, at the back of my mind, the only thought I have was my love for her before, was something deep and sublime.

---

Now that she has a baby, there's no room for me anymore.
Now that I have accepted my homosexual state, it's impossible for me to run after her.

I'll try my best to be a part of her life again. I know she needs me, or us whoever her other friends are. Too bad, the guy, whom she remained loyal and dedicated for so many years left her after what he have done. If things happened the other way around, we don't really know. But I'm sure, it would have been very much better.

I will not leave you this time. I'll try my best to be still.

Dear Combatron

Tanda ko pa noong ako'y Grade Six. Bago ako pumasok sa eskwela ay bababa kami ng Banawe Street ng naghahatid sa akin sa school para bumili ng Funny Komiks upang mabasa ang iyong pakikipagsapalaran para sa linggong iyon.

Yun lang solb na solb na ako. Minsan pinagtatawanan pa nga ako ng mga kaklase ko kasi bakit Funny Komiks daw ang pinagkakaabalahan ko samantalang noong mga panahong iyon eh usong uso yung mga Sweet Valley High na mga pocketbooks. Masyado daw akong baduy para sa kanila.

Mula noong sinundan kita, tuwing Biyernes nagbubukod na ako ng pera galing sa aking baon para pambili sa iyo. Maliit lang ang baon ko noon, pero pinagkakasya ko para lang masundan kita. Binasa kita ng ilang taon; mula kay Alchitran hanggang kay Death Metal. Namatay na si Axel at Metallica na pinalitan ni Mecha-babe pero hindi pa rin natatapos ang laban mo. Maari pa sana kita sundan noon, yun nga lang, hindi pa natatapos ang kwento mo, tumanda na ako.

Nakatandaan na kita.

Ang weird, tumanda na ako pero tinago ko pa rin ang koleksyon ko ng Funny Komiks dahil sa iyo. Hindi man lang kita nasimulan, at hindi rin kita natapos, pero iningatan kong huwag mabura ang ala-ala mo sakin. Pero tumanda na rin ako eh, nakalimutan na siguro kita kung hindi ko nakikita yung isang malaking kahong puno ng Funny Komiks kung saan nandoon ang istorya mo.

---

Noong mga nakaraang linggo naisipan kong hanapin sa Google ang author mo sa pag-asang baka makahanap ako ng balita tungkol sa nangyari sa iyo. Sa paghahanap ko sa Google, may isang naiiba dun sa mga resulta; isang taong kapangalan ng gumawa sayo na nagtratrabaho sa isang Advertising Agency.

Sa aking curiousity at lakas ng loob, dali-dali akong nag-compose ng e-mail para ipagtanong kung yung creative artist ba nila eh ang taong sumulat sa iyo. Buong araw ako nag-intay ng response mula sa Ad Agency na iyon... pero umuwi akong walang sagot.

Lumipas ang mga araw, umaasa pa rin akong magrerespond sila sa akin. Dumating na ang panahong nabuburat na ako dito sa trabaho, pero umaasa pa rin akong magrerespond sila.

Umaasa ako, kahit alam kong malabo na akong makatanggap ng sagot.

---

This afternoon, I opened my Yahoo Mail to check if there's a new e-mail from the ODDERs yahoo group. On my bulk mail folder, a new message came in. At first I thought it was from Papu, since he sent his last message through that folder. To my surprise, it came from none other than Berlin Manalaysay himself, the author of the legendary Combatron comic strip in Funny Komiks during the mid 90s.

He is with the Advertising Agency I have inquired several weeks ago, and as a reward for my curiousity, and perhaps my desire to seek the person who he was, he sent me this image.



He said that he plans to revive him. Perhaps in another reincarnation, or with the same plot but with the new techonology for the younger generations to enjoy. Whatever his plans are, He has my full support - to the extent of providing my collection, if ever he decides to start from the beginning of the story again.

For the first time, I have realized the fruits of my research capabilities. Indeed, despite the love-hate relationship I have with this company, I still reap a lot of rewards and possibilities here.

---

Nakita ko na ang gumawa sayo Combatron. Maari ko nang malaman kung ano ang simula at naging katapusan mo.

Infinity Calling

I thought that it was the right ship for me.
But another ship comes along, not just to
sail me away but to take me home, where
I was belong.

If God has a message for all of this,
I think it is about correcting missed opportunities.
This is exactly what happened before, when
I choose a new career over their invitation
to return to their fold.
This time, I have made my decision.
It's time for me to undo those regrets.

I was with my former PR Officer the whole evening
and for a brief moment, I existed as their writer
and not just a mere slave-worker. It was so good
to be free. It was a split-second, ecstatic taste of heaven.

I will wait this time, even if it would take very long.
This is my only chance to return, to be what I was...

Forget the towers of Makati and Ortigas, this is the future
calling me back.

I just hope they would still take me in.

Where Do I Go From Here

The ship had suddenly arrived at the port,

eager to take me away to a new world

far from where I, have been spending my days here.

It arrived too swift and the prospects

of becoming free has come closer to me

than it has ever been before.

I do not know, if I would allow myself

to be taken by this ship. I am simply afraid

of the uncertainies in my journey going there.



Too much uncertainties

I don't know where to go.

Fear has taken over me.

I'm not so sure if I'll stay here

become one with the wind.



The ship leaves in a few days

and I have just one shot

in letting them stay just for a longer

while.



The ship...

...of freedom



is finally here.

Fatigued

After 12 Hours of Stretching One's Brain to the limits:



and the world goes round and round and round...

wait, my brain fell off from my head!

Father and Son

I don't easily allow my wounds to heal. That's for sure. I am a very bitter person and it shows on how I deal with people around me.

---

Dad was here today, for reasons I really don't want to know. I used to remember when he still lives here. It was during this time of then night when arrives home from "work"

I would remember him calling the maids and torment everyones lives by his ceaseless utos to everyone. He would surf the channels lounging on the masters' bed with his big belly and with only his underwear on. If you asked me, that was a very sorry sight. No wonder, I never liked chub people. It just simply reminds me of him.

It was two years ago when it last happened. And I managed to bury it at the back of my mind until tonight...

I first knew his arrival after I heard his voice and his heavy footsteps while going to the masters bedroom. As he came closer, the memories suddenly woke up in my consciousness bringing back the days when things aren't as ordered as it is today.

My first thought was, "pano ko tatanggapin kapag bumalik ulit dito sa bahay si papa? siguro lalayas na lang ako..."

But leaving would mean abandoning my sister and mother to be tormented by him. Buti na lang, he just came to get something. Mabuti na yung malinaw para hindi pa mas lalong gumulo ang magulong buhay ko.

---

Before he left, he told me to go downstairs. Ako naman, since wala ng choice, I had to pull the plug of my internet to meet him. When he saw me, he asked for a kiss. Instead I gave him a cold hug, to show my most civil manifestation of my disappointment towards him. To demonstrate a slightly friendly gesture towards him, I asked about our business, which I found out to be defunct already since two weeks ago. And then followed up my conversation about the papers I gave to him during the last time we met.

We just talked about business matters. No personals whatsoever. I know, how hard it is for someone to be treated like that. But, what can I do. We don't have any business talking about personal things. It might just wake up some bitter hatred towards one another. While looking at him, all I can see is a mere guy, somewhat older than me.

I still call him papa or dad though, and under moral and state law, he is still my father. But you know what, such formalities ain't matter anymore. Deep within me, I just see him as a mere distraction in our peaceful lives. We've been living without a father for as long as I my mind wants to remember and his presence creates a ripple on a tranquil pond we call our family.

Whenever things get fucked up around here, he's the best escape I could find - by blaming him all the miseries we have to endure because of his irresponsibilities. This evening alone, I was thinking of changing my surname and use my mother's instead. My uncles told me before not to get very bitter or angry to him, but the best I could give is to at least be civil towards him.

If you asked me, I just want him out of my life. I want him to leave us alone, since he chose to be with his mistress instead of us. Tutal, we have learned to live on our own and we don't need him anymore. His mere presence just rattle the peace we have here. Tama na yung ganito masaya na ako dito.

---

I never said goodbye when he left. After talking to him after a brief moment, I decided to go back to my room and rethink of the things I showed him this evening.

I know that I still have this resentment towards him. If there's any reason why I suddenly became so very comfortable with my homosexuality is because this is the best way I can get back to him, and to his entire kaliwete bloodline that spawned me.

In fact, when you summed up my life today, I am actually taking up the responsibilities he have left. That's the reason why I feel like I'm living a life of a 32. That's why I never rests my big butt, because I know that threats to our security is just around the corner.

---

Lying on my bed... somehow made me wonder about my feelings.

I felt nothing towards him when he was here, in fact I just want him to leave the house the moment he's finished with his business. But when he left, I suddenly felt a cold dose of emptiness emanating within me. Between feeling guilty and heartless

Why am I saddened when he left?

Scaring the Clown

It took hours for the magicians to fix my make-up

only to be smuged by an unforgiving rain

on a night I decided to break off the

cycle and enjoy the things

I used to do, when everything aren't

as complicated as it is today.



---



Twenty three is the golden days of my age

but I'm afraid that I'm already living a life

of a thirty two.

Moon Prism Power Make Up!

Just for tonight.



---



Straight up the plane from L.A.

Just take a look at me

A real good look at me

I've all designed up

I've got my lipstick on

My Bucci Bag

And my PRADSKI Dress



And i am ready to rock...



- Andrea Doria, Bucci Bag

Port of Call

In between the looming week-long 12 hour shift next week
and the impending need to break the routine that is eating away
my so-called life,
I am torn on deciding whether
to declare a party mood tonight
or go home and slumber and prepare
for the grinding week ahead.

Consciously, I am starting to look
for ways to break away and seek my own
reincarnation. While at the same time
I am sinking deeper here... people,
from bottom to top recognizes me
already. Even I have befriended the very
people who guards my space here.

Will I decide to move on and continue
my old journey, or stay put here, settle down
and define a life, very far from what I have
cherished long ago? Will I content myself
in sitting here in my space and spend the day
doing my duty or ride the fastest ship out?

In several months time, we would stand
to recieve our sentence - whether the gods
would allow us to continue our un-divine work
or cast us away into nothingness.
My heart beats a future that is bleak... here
yet my mind pictures an uncertain future... there
Would I contend myself with the roots I have spread here
enjoy and cherish the bonds I have created with souls
around me? or seek my own destiny among the clouds
I draw in my PC monitor?

Somehow, there's something in me that tells that I should wait...

But when the thoughts of being caged,
chained and controlled seep into my thoughts

I leave my work station
to return at the very same corner
where I find inner peace.
Overlooking the
tall towers of Makati, I have desired for so long,

I still continue to dream of a day when I would land my feet there... or somewhere else where I could be nearer to the sky I longed to claim.

Looking beyond, this is not my port-of-call.
One day, I would return back to the sea and
spawn a new entity that will continue the dreams I
have been forced to leave.

Fleeting

As I open the monitor of my pc

and settle myself to write the things

that my mind have spoken of on my way home,

I suddenly realized that

those words I have carefully crafted in my mind

lost its luster.



I slump back trying to gather whatever thoughts

that remain, only to see them evaporate into nothing

in the palm of my hands.



---



I wish I can keep at least a fragment of those thoughts I've lost on my way here...

Nginiig (ver.2)

Ugali kong matulog sa opisina tuwing first break. Tutal puyat rin lang ako eh mabuti nang ihiga ko itong antok at palipasin ang 30 minutes sa paraan ng pag-idlip kesa gumastos ng 30 pesos para sa agahan.



Pagtayo ng mga tao, kukuha ako ng isang upuan na idudugtong sa silya ko at upuang katabi ng silya ko. Sabay ihihilata ko ang katawan ko at pipiliting magpower-nap kahit sandali lang.



Nasanay na ako sa ganitong sistema, at eto na rin ang pinambabawi ng tulog ko sa araw araw na puyat. Pero mukhang hindi ko na mauulit yun. Di ko na siguro kakayanin maiwan mag-isa dito sa room namin.



---



Mababaw lang ang idlip ko ngayong umaga, palibhasa wala pa siguro akong 5 minutes mula nung nahiga ako sa mga upuan. Unti-unti, lumalalim ang paghinga ko habang dahan dahan kong naririnig ang isang paulit ulit na pagbagsak at paghila ng isa sa mga upuan namin dito... mga ilang dipa mula sa workstation ko. Ang paraan ng paghila ay tipo bang pinaglalaruan ng kung sinong nilalang yung nag-iisang upuan na yun, hihigitin upang gumawa ng ingay at magbigay takot sa sinumang nakakarinig noon.



Sa idlip, di ko ininda ang paghila ng upuan sa paniwalang parte lang yun ng panaginip ko. Pero ng biglang lumakas ang ingay na animo'y nangagaling sa pagkarami-raming tao sa paligid bigla na akong kinabahan.



Bigla bigla, parang nagkaroon ng pagsasalo sa loob ng room. Tandang tanda ang halakhakan ng mga babae at ang paguusap ng mahigit sa limampung tao sabay sabay. Yun rin yung na-encounter ko noong trainee pa ako at naidlip rin ako sa isa sa mga opisina dito sa 4th floor ng building namin. Pinilit kong itatak sa isip ko namga officemates ko na nagsibalikan yun mula sa kanilang break. Baka kako naoveremphasize lang sa pagtulog ko yung mga usapan nila.



Akala ko tapos na ang 30 minutes na break namin, kaya dapat babangon na ako... pero sa hindi ko mapaliwanag na paraan, di ako magising. Consciously alam kong pinipilit kong gumising habang patuloy ang tawanan at usapan ng mga (imaginary) na tao sa paligid ko. Sa pagpupursiging magising, binalak kong igalaw ang matigas kong katawan patungo sa gilid ng mga upuan. Kahit mahulog ako ok lang basta makawala lang ako sa ganitong estado.



Sa buong buhay ko, tatlong beses lang ako nawalan ng control sa sarili ko. Noong una't pangalawa, tinawag ko ang Diyos upang tulungan niya akong magising, at kalabanin ang kung sinumang nagkokontrol sa akin, pero dahil marahil dahil sa panic ko kanina, di ko na Siya nahingan ng tulong.



Notorious na ang ghosts stories dito sa office namin. Actually, sana'y na ako sa mga ganitong mga pangyayari... natanggap ko na rin na may third eye ako dahil sa halos araw araw na pagpasok ko dito ay may nakikita akong mga bagay na hindi nakikita ng lahat ng tao. Maari kong ituring na offensive move to ng kung sinumang manakot o manggulo sa akin... buti na lang, pagkaraan ng ilang minutong pagpipilit mamulat ang isipan ko.



Nagising rin ako...

OJS (On The Job Sentiments)

Nawala lang yung overtime namin, biglang pumangit ang performance ko sa work. Dati rati, hindi pa ako excited sa uwian ng ganitong oras, pero ngayon yun na lang ang laging nasa utak ko - ang makalabas ng building patungo sa kawalan ng lansangan. Dati rati hindi ako nakakaramdam ng pagod at pagkabagot sa paghahanap ko ng mga associations sa internet, pero ngayon parang kelangan ko pang higitin ang mga kamay ko para magbukas ng window sa google.



Sa umaga, hindi nga ako nalalate, pero pakiramdam ko, hindi na ako ganun ka-excited pumasok. Sa gabi naman, parang naasar na ako tuwing papatak ng 11 ang relo ko sa bahay kasi alam kong kelangan ko na matulog dahil may pasok pa sa umaga.



Ibig sabihin kaya nito ay nagsusuffer na ako sa burn-out? Tinatamad na ba ako magtrabaho at kelangan ko nang maghanap ulit? Di ko alam, pero sa tuwing aabot ng ika-5 buwan ako sa pinapasukan ko, lagi kong tinatanong ang sarili ko tungkol sa performance ng trabaho ko. Ang weird no?



Ah ewan... makapagtrabaho na nga.

Jenny

Ganda niya pa rin.

There is something in her smile that still captivates me.



Tanda ko pa nung college/highschool ako. Nung maikli pa yung buhok niya tapos sikat pa yung song niyang Sober, wala akong inatupag kundi mag-abang sa MTV kung kelan ipla-play yung video niya.







Noon pa nga, meron akong poem na ginawa para sa kanya and I had daydreams of meeting a girl who resembles her. Those were the days.







Pero what if, may biglang dumating sa buhay ko na kahawig niya... ngayon?

how would I react... after all, there were only few times in my life that I really thought about a girl I wanted to be with. Yun bang pinapangarap mong makasama siya, kahit alam mong hanggang TV mo lang siya pwede makita.



Pero what if, in some surreal future, I meet a girl who looks like her, will I change my preference? Would I revert back to what I was when I was still imagining a woman?



Bahala na, just the same, nageenjoy pa rin akong pagmasdan siya.

Summarizing the Legacy

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?



Become the co-breadwinner and major funder in the house.



2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?



Resolutions are bound to be broken.



3. Did anyone close to you give birth?



If you consider animals, of course, our cat gave birth 2 times.



4. Did anyone close to you die?



No, and I wish no one will.



5. What countries did you visit?



Almost every country that has a website in the Internet. :D



6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?



FINANCIAL SECURITY



7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?



- June 5, The year we declared independence from papa.

- December 14, The date would really like to eradicate from my mind



8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?



To save 35k in my bank account, only to be withdrawn in a series of emergency situations.



9. What was your biggest failure?



Loose in the middle of the career race.



10. Did you suffer illness or injury?



I can't remember.



11. What was the best thing you bought?



Original Sims2 CD

Wheelchair for my mom



12. Whose behavior merited celebration?



Our family, for becoming closer despite papa abandoning us.



13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?



Dad



14. Where did most of your money go?



BBB - Bills Buddy and Bank



15. What DO you get really, really, really excited about this 2005?



Sims2 University

Prospects of going back to Infinite Ideas



16. What song will always remind you of 2004?



Can't think of any



17. Compared to this time last year, are you:



i. happier or sadder? Sadder

ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter

iii. richer or poorer? Financially More Insecured



18. What do you wish you'd done more of?



Take career advancement more seriously



19. What do you wish you'd done less of?



Career Adventurism



20. How will you be spending Christmas?in 2005



Still, with the entire family on my mother side. Preserve the tradition we have cherished for 23 years now.



21. Did you fall in love in 2004?



I always fall in love again with my buddy.



22. How many one-night stands?



NONE



23. What was your favourite TV program?



Still, Ren and Stimpy, Discovery Channel Documentaries, Spongebob Squarepants, As Told by Ginger



24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?



Next question please.



25. What was the best book you read?



I haven't read a novel for a long time.



26. What was your greatest musical discovery?



Spongecola!



27. What did you want and got?



Work



28. What did you want and not get?



Preservation and stability of my dad's former empire



29. Favorite film of this year?



Feng Shui, The Incredibles



30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?



I cursed my birthday.



31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?



If I have more sources of income.



32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?



The great wardrobe malfunction/deformation. Hehehe



33. What kept you sane?



I've always been paranoid and insecure almost every week of the year.



34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?



JM Cobbarubias made me thought about big brothers.



35. What political issue stirred you the most?



GMA Cheated. Period.



36. Who/What did you miss?



I missed the good old days when homosexuality/bisexuality was just new to me. When I don't have to think too much about responsibilities and security. When I have all the time with me. When I would just think of Friday and Saturday nights as party nights. When all I have to think about is how to earn and save 100K in my bank and use it to start my own kingdom.



37. Who was the best new person you met?



I'm a jaded and weary person. As much as possible, I just want to preserve the friendships I already have. Meeting new people, personally is the least of my priorities when it comes to my social life. I'd rather forge friendships here in blog, where I can at least, have a peek on their lives before actually meeting them in person.



38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.



Life is not a bed of roses... it is a neverending struggle for survival.



40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.



"And I am not afraid to try it on my own I don't care if I'm right or wrong I'll live my life the way I feel no matter what I'm gonna keep it real You know Time for me to do it on my own" - Whitney Houston, Try it On My Own

The Story of Big Boy Blue

And so, big boy blue left the internet cafe to return to his doctor's clinic. To his astonishment, he was rather experiencing a centralized pain on the way back to the hospital. It actually made him think that he's not suffering a respiratory illness at all. Rather, perhaps something closer to the heart - which is actually part of his genetic deformation.



So anyway, big boy blue waited for hours for his name to be called. When he arrived, the doctor was diagnosing patient number 3. Unfortunately our boy is patient number 10, so he have to wait hours among a teeming mass of old folks who never ceased to cough or parade their wheelchairs in the corridor.



But the waiting took a mystifying but frustrating turn. After 2 hours, the doctor is still with patient number 3. Out of frustration and confusion on his affliction, he decided to leave the clinic, went to Masagana Supermarket, and got back to his ailment by eating a serving of pork chicharon bituka and a pack of hopia in Eng Bee Tee.



Afterwhich, he walked back towards Padre Faura to wait for his beau.



In the end, big boy blue never achieved anything that afternoon... unless he would consider a one-way woohoo, a great achievement.

Doctor Doctor

I'm here at Manila Doctors to see a doctor and have my chest examined. Once and for all, I like to eliminate the disturbing thoughts I have about how I feel with my breathing or how I squirm whenever something pierces my chest - those kind of piercing that makes you think of something horrible disease.



Good thing, the company gave us a reprieve today. We were not asked to render an overtime and seizing the opportunity, I immediately called my aunt to ask if she could recommend a pulmonary specialist for me.



While walking from PGH up to here, I felt that my lungs aren't that efficient anymore. I somehow felt that I have difficulty breathing/grasping for air, and the pain continuously batters my chest. As much as possible, I don't want to worry about it, but I can't hide the fact that I feel something. That there's something not right about how I intake air and exhale it.



I Hope everything would be ok... Actually I anticipate that there is something wrong... but I wish that this is just a product of stress and anxiety. Honestly I would have a hard time allocating funds for my medication, especially now that I have taken another chunk of expenses at home.



But before I end this entry, I would like to dedicate this post to someone who taught me a great deal about humility... and friendship. Before, he was one of the hotseats in the group due to his shocking and controversial actions whenever he gets drunk.



Never did I thought that despite the things I showed him before, he would returnin it in a way only few have shown me before.



When I saw you again this afternoon, the moment I told you that I will check out Mediscan about the cost of their X-Ray services, I sensed a concern within you. A kind of concern I wouldn't have shown if you were in my shoes. I tried to hide, whatever I felt as I talked to you. I never did showed how worried, or fearful I am with what's happening to me... but I guess, when I was telling you the details, you've got an idea about what's happening to me. You know what, I really appreciated the short walk we had. Thanks for accompanying me even if its only a short walk going to my destination. Thank you for the concern and for listening. Telling you what I felt made a huge difference. Thank you very much for the concern dude.



It really made me feel better.

The Rocker In Me

I am a frustrated singer!

I dreamed of becoming a band vocalist

to write my own songs and become as famous as

the local bands in the country. I wish I had the voice

the guts and yeah, the appeal and charisma.



Too bad, I have none.



----



Nah! Kras ko lang yung vocalist ng Sponge Cola, I think I'll buy their original album.

Milestone

I had a drinking spree with two of my former classmates this evening. And for the first time, I talked to them as a homosexual; a man who has a lover, a promiscuous past, and my journey towards here. No pretentions, no hiding and best of all, no holds barred - Just the plain old me, with a life very different from what they have seen in college.



I've been longing for this moment. Officially, I'm OUT to some of my classmates.



And they are surely IN, in my future.

Year of the Rooster

Sabi nila, nakakatanda ang problema... ito'y nagpapahina ng katawan at nakakasira ng kalusugan. Pansin niyo ba na karamihan sa matataba at out-of-shape eh yung mga taong wala na lang inisip sa buhay kung paano pagkasyahin ang budget sa pamilya at paano i-maintain ang kaayusan sa bahay?



Heto't may sinat na naman ako. Mukha atang hindi ako nilubayan ng sakit ko simula pa noong isang linggo. In fairness, wala na akong ubo, at hindi rin ako nagkasipon. Pero ewan ko ba, nahawa na siguro ako ng mga hypochondriac sa paligid ko - lagi kong pinagdidiskitahan na may problema ang baga ko, at isa sa mga linggo ito ay maaring bumigay na lang siya ng hindi ko inaasahan.



Pero hinala lang yun shempre. Siguro wala akong maisip na katatakutan ngayon mga panahong ito kaya ibinaling ko ang anxiety ko sa sarili ko. Sabagay kahit naman anong takot ang gawin ko, wala rin naman akong choice kasi bawal magkasakit. Di na ako pwede mag-absent at baka i-end nila yung contract ko sa April. Hirap pa naman noon, mas lalong masisira ang budget dito sa bahay.



---



Kahapon naglabas ako ng 1.5 K para pangsweldo sa mga kasambahay. Laking gulat ko kanina noon sinabi ni mama na binayad niya yun sa ibang gastusin. Medyo na-disappoint ako, kasi inaasahan ko na kung ano ang binigay ko, doon mapupunta sa objectives ko. Pero wala kasing choice eh, medyo tagtuyot ngayon mga panahong ito. Darating na ang bill ko sa globe, sa contribution ko sa food, sa bayad ko sa kuryente... mukhang walang matitira sa sweldo ko na naman.



Tsk. tsk. nakanamang buhay to. Di ko man lang ma-eenjoy ang kinita ko.



---



Minsan iniisip ko, noong 2002, hindi ko naman kelangang problemahin itong mga ito ah! Alam ko, napapikit lang ako isang araw, paggising ko, iba na ang buhay ko. Minsan, gusto ko na rin magtanong kung ganito ba talaga kahirap mabuhay, I mean, gastos dito at gasto dun, kakayod ka pero parang dumaan lang sayo yung mga sinahod mo.



Madalas nagtataka sakin yung mga officemate ko kung bakit sa lahat ng pwede itanong, ang tinatanong ko lagi eh tungkol sa pagpapamilya, pagbubuhay ng pamilya at pagbubudget para sa pamilya. Alam naman nilang lahat ng single lang ako at bata, pero dahil sa mga tinatanong ko, napapaghalatang meron akong minamaintain na asawa't anak...



---



Sa totoo lang, habang kino-compose ko ito, hindi ko maalis sa isip ko kung ano pa ang pwedeng paraan para kumita. Sa pagitan ng pagrerelax at paghahanap ng ibang income sources, mas pipiliin ko na yung pangalawa. Dati rati medyo naiisip ko pa yung burnout-burnout na yan, pero ngayon, isipin ko man ang burnout, wala na rin akong choice, tamarin man ako magtrabaho, kelangan kumayod pa rin ako.



And that's life for me. Araw araw, meron akong bagong iniisip na proproblemahin, araw araw, naghahanap rin ako ng diversion para kalimutan ang dapat isipin. Araw araw kapag nagwiwithdraw ako, iniisip ko sana swelduhan na, pero kapag naiisip mo na pagdating ng swelduhan, nakapila na ang dapat mong bayaran... grabe, di kakayanin ng powers ko ang ganun.



Alam ko, marami pa ang mas hirap at problemado kesa sakin. Yung iba nga, kahit mabaon sa utang, gagawa ng paraan para mag-happy-happy at lumimot sa mga dapat isipin kahit man lang sandali - na hindi ko na rin magawa dahil sa pagod at antok.



Sa isang banda, parang nakakasawa na ang buhay na ganito. Pilitin ko man, naooverwhelmed pa rin ako ng mga bagay na ngayon lang namulat sa akin.

Song of the Moment

"tnx po sa lahat at kht sa kabila ng paggng malas na pagkatao ko anjan kapa rin pilit iniangat ang sarili ko. Naiyak lang talaga ako hbng sakay ng jep kc narealize ko ganu ako inapi ng kapalaran..."



---



Ryan Cabrera

On The Way Down (acoustic version)



Sick and Tired of this world

There's no more air

Trippin' over myself

Goin' nowhere

Waiting

Suffocating

No direction

And I took a dive



And on the way down

I saw you

And you saved me

From myself

And I won't forget

The way you loved me

On the way down

Almost fell right through

But I held onto you



I've been wondering why

It's only me

Have you always been inside

Waiting to breathe

It's alright

Sunlight

On my face

I wake up and yeah, I'm alive



'cause on the way down

I saw you

And you saved me

From myself

And I won't forget

The way you loved me

On the way down

Almost fell right through

But I held onto you



I was so afraid

Of going under

But now

The weight of the world

Feels like nothing, no, nothing



Down, down, down

You're all I wanted

Down, down, down

You're all I needed

Down, down, down

You're all I wanted

You're all I needed



And I won't forget the way you loved me



All that I wanted

All that I needed



On the way down

I saw you

And you saved me

From myself

And I won't forget

The way you loved me

On the way down

I almost fell right through

But I held onto you



Down, down, down

But I held onto you

Down, down, down

But I held onto you

Dream On Babeh

Kung ako ay magiging pangulo ng bansa, magiging national agenda ko ang environment at cultural preservation ng bansa. Magiging obsessed ako sa mga puno at halaman, to the point na lahat ng government employees ko eh may field trip sa mga bundok upang magtanim ng mga bagong punla kapalit ng mga nasira.

Ipagbabawal ko forever ang logging at mining, at sa halip pauunlarin ko ang ecotourism ng bansa. Ecological balance ang magiging sagot ko sa mga problemang kinakaharap natin pagdating sa natural calamities at agricultural sustainability naman ang regalo ko sa mga nagugutom.

Kung ako ay magiging pangulo, gagawin ko ang lahat para mapatupad ang totoong reporma sa lupa, sa tulong ng mga NGOs at mga groups na naniniwala dito. Hihilingin ko na isuspend ang pagbabayad utang natin sa World Bank at IMF upang ipanggastos ito sa pagpapatayo ng mga paaralan at clinic sa malalayong lugar.

Kapag naupo ako sa Malacanang, sa unang isang daang taon ko eh hihingi ako ng peace treaty sa NPA at MILF. Alam ko naman kasi na kaya lumalakas itong mga grupong ito ay dahil sa opression at inequality na nangyayari sa mga lugar nila. At bilang sincerity sa aking nais mangyari, imbes na baril ang hawak ng aking mga kawal, sila ay magiging katulong ng mga engineers at contractors para sa pagbuo ng isang sentralisadong infrastructure sa buong kapuluan. Sila rin ang magiging kasama ng mga guro at doctor sa malalayong lugar. Tapos na ang panahon ng militarisasyon! Bakit pa tinawag na backbone ang mga sundalo kung hindi rin lang ito magiging backbone sa pagpapasinaya ng welfare ng mga pinagsisilbihan ko?

Ang globalization, i-lilimit ko lang sa service at high tech industry ng bansa. Sisiguraduhin ko na kahit na mag-suffer ang ibang industries natin, itong mga ito ay mananatiling competitive at maunlad higit pa sa mga administrasyong nagdaan.

Pipilitin ko na sa loob ng aking pamumuno, wala ni isang pilipino ang magugutom. Ang mga mahirap, pagtratrabahuhin sa halip na bigyang limos. Ang tambay, gagawing mga volunteer. Lahat may gagawin. Sa pamumuno ko bawal ang tamad. Kahit anong pagbabawal ng simbahan, ipropromote ko ang paggamit sa contraceptives at pagpapasinaya ng Gay Marriage sa bansa.

Tawagin na nila akong immoral, ngunit sa pamumuno ko, lahat may boses sa pamahalaan.

Kapag nangalahati na ako sa term ko. Ang mga squatter pwepwersahin ko nang bumalik sa mga probinsya. Doon sila mamumuhay habang idedeclog ko ang Maynila para bigyang daan ang pagningning ng Cebu, Davao at Zamboanga. Instead na foreign investors ang imbitahan ko, lahat ng non-profit charitable institutions ang gagawin kong partner sa pag-unlad ng mga nayon. Hindi bale ng mayaman at industrialized, ang mahalaga marami ang nakikinabang sa mga ginagawa ng pamahalaan ko.

Ang sarap sana mangarap, ngayong napapawi na ang pag-asa ng bansa. Marami ang hindi nakakapansin pero kaya tayo hindi umuunlad ay dahil na rin mismo sa sariling greed natin.
Madali lang sana ang pag-unlad, kung totoo tayo sa pagsisilbi natin.

Kung ako lang sana... ching!

Barbeque Stick

My brother said on sms that ex has a relationship with another of our brother.

When I found the message, my first reaction was Fuck!

Ano ito tuhugan?

Well that's the reason why I tried all possible ways to stop him from joining my group. Alam ko naman na gagawin niya lang itong fishing ground eh. People don't understand, they thought I was very bitter, which is somehow I am... but the more important thing is, I am only protecting those I care. I know that ex doesn't know what true relationship is all about? He needs it only for convenience.

So anyway I was thinking if I'd get furious about it... Kayo mga tol, how would you feel if you found out that kinarelasyon ng ka-tropa mo yung ex mo na halos sinumpa mo, without you knowing it, and then you'd know it from someone else?

Probably, the news hasn't really sink in yet. I know, he's not the first one, there were others before him.

I'm trying to put some sense into my feelings. Should I get pissed off? mad? or just plain quever, since I don't control their lives naman. I have to put into my mind that some people have respect for others no, while some don't care about your feelings. They just do something that appeals them, no matter how it is against your ideals.

Wala lang, at the back of my mind - beyond the feelings of betrayal and anger, something tells me to keep my mouth shut and feelings invicible. If I should hate, then I should hate in the dark. If I'm furious about it, then let my mere gestures show it. Di na lang ako magsasalita. Besides, I should be happy with my own life. It would be two years already since we broke up, and the best thing is, I'm still with the guy who completely replaced him in my life.

Anyway, wala na akong magagawa. Itago nila yun, and fine! ganun lang naman pala eh! Be warned though, what his nature doesn't appeal to everyone. Triple my paranoia on my buddy and that's him. Dagdag mo pa na kapag tinopak siya eh aawayin ka everyday of the week. Since it was my first M2M relationship, it completely bursted my ideal bubble. In three months that we have been us, 2.5 months of it was pure hell. It forced me to become who he is.

Perhaps my brother should learn my lessons on his own. Perhaps, their relationship wouldn't have that much impact, knowing my brother. Unlike what I showed him before, my brod couldn't do the same feat. It hasn't been recorded, or noted yet. Kanya kanyang panahon lang yan. It made some damage into how I trust my partner though... but because of him, I learned how to value relationships that I never realized before that ex of mine came into my life.

kung totoo man yung balita.

Goodluck na lang senyo.

Still

I always knew that I have a very weak respiratory system.



It's been almost a week already after I caught this virus. I dunno what the medicines have done to improve my condition, but I feel that it made my coughing worse. Still, I suffer from a slight fever every now and then, but definitely the throat pain is gone. Only the remnants of sticky phlegm remains.



Sorry guys for keeping you worried. Let's just say that when I posted that entry, I was at work and then suddenly I felt my head heaving from pain. I called my mom to inform her of my condition and she just said "Diyos Ko Anak."



Those words completely terrified me. I thought I was a goner - that I just have 48 hours to live, like what I see on TV on the news reports about people who caught that Meningo virus.

However, I found out that I just needed to force myself to eat breakfast and viola! the head feeling was gone!



Good thing, my suspension order was also been served yesterday because I committed three lates in just one month. My very kind supervisor suggested that it should fall today so that I can

take a rest and start my day fresh on Monday. And so there I was, signing the suspension letter. I told them that I would like to go home early so that I can visit the doctor.



However, I have some other plans yesterday. In the end, I arrived home at 8 pm, suffering again from a headache.



---



I spend these days by either sleeping, or feeling my painful chest while coughing really baaddd, or playing Sims2 all day long. Just like what I've said, routines that are disrupted makes me less productive and more prone to laziness. It further destroys my system... but what can I do? These are my mom's orders for me, and besides, I am really worried about my chest.



I think I got this attitude from phanks. I wasn't this hypochondriac before. But ever since I was confined several years ago, and spending a fortune for a hospital bill, things began to change. What I don't heed before, I try to take very serious now.



cough.. cough..



And besides, I feel so old and weary. Gone are the days when I could still afford to walk under the rain with just a thick leather jacket protecting me, or party all night on weekends then attend a family affair the next afternoon. Those were the days, and sometimes, especially when I get the chance to hear those club sounds that made me raved before, I can't help but miss... everything.



It was not long ago when I went to dance club with a female friend with me. It was the first time I saw PLUs and danced to the beat of Joyrise - before it became a gay anthem. The next thing I knew year after, I was already dancing half-naked on top of a big stereo inside a dark and very hot crusing bar.



Before, PLUs would say "Pare ang galing mong sumayaw ah." then I'd just smile, face them up front... and when I liked the person who said those comments, then the rest... is history.



Those were the days. If Paulie, my ex vp back in college just knew the details... I know, he'll not believe what I've been through.



So here I am, writing the last paragraph for my day's entry. I hope that tomorrow, I'd feel better. I hope that on Monday, I can start my work again, motivated and eager to beat targets once again.



It was the first time I thought about my own death, somehow parts of those taughts were put here on my blog. Probably, the bleakness of my time had really gone into my head.



I should seek more feel-good moments.

Alive

Guys, if you don't hear from me in five days, maybe you should check me out. Seriously I'm afraid...

Sicko

I can't believe it! I'm stuck here at home, nursing a cold and flu.



I should've been working and earning moonies to sustain me and the household. But somehow, mother dearest convinced me to take a rest. After all, I woke up with a slight chill. But it was manageable though, however mom told me that if I force myself to work at this dire conditions, it might aggravate my illness. Then she reminded me of the time I was confined at the hospital for a week, spending around 35,000 for that medical expense.



So that's it. I went back to my bed and slept.



---



Actually, what I really hate about being stuck at home is that it disrupts my routine.



Working 12 hours for 6 days is unbearable to those who are not used to it. In fact, I did forced myself through motivation that it's better for me to have those working hours since I earn a lot from it.



However, if that routine faces some disruptions such as what happened today, it just simply breaks my spirit.



Hirap talaga kapag masyado kang nakadepende sa sarili mong body/mental clock. Lahat ng bagay gusto mo laging synchronized.



---



The meningo scare is one of the culprit why I took this steps to protect myself.



If felt my my immune system dropping two nights ago thanks to that pesky diet schemes I had for several weeks. While at work, I just realized that I'm already coughing and had a slight fever. Di ko lang pinansin, in fact, I managed to fetch phanks and accompanied him in Monumento. But when I got home, things started to get nasty. My throat began to ache and my cough has become more regular and painful in the chest. Pero wala pa rin sakin yun, I took a warm bath that night and slept around midnight.



And it snowballed into this...



Actually I think the real culprit on this one is none other than Phanks.



Remember the post when I said I bought him medicines for his cough? Before that, I drank from the same straw he was using when we watched a movie last sunday. Never did I thought na mahahawa nya ako.



Oh well, that's how life is. When I saw him yesterday, I think his condition has already improved. Siguro, mag-iingat na lang ako na hindi siya mahawaan ulit.



As for me. I hope I can drag myself to work tomorrow. I don't want to stay at home again. It simply destroys the things I forced myself to become. It simply eradicates the routine I applied to myself.



Besides, I would loose 600 bucks na. Malaki na yun para mawala sakin.

Good Boy

you're an ideal boy... guys want to date and boys

want to be you. you play sports, can shop, have

great friends, good music taste and are always

loyal to your boyfriend! go you!



what type of gay boi are you?

brought to you by Quizilla



------



I had a weird dream this morning. In my dream, I was looking for a sideline and I landed at the gates of San Miguel, the plant where Marvin Kirsh is working. One thing that makes the dream so weird was that Zeki (Jaguarlord) is working as an HR officer. He immediately hired and placed me at the lobby, sorta like the time-controller.



At the same time, I was also working in a call center. After I landed a job, I planned to go AWOL in that call center where I was previously working.



The last thing I remembered was that on my first day I was late.

To You

For some weird reasons, I still doubt whatever advice I gave you in the yahoo groups this week. It's like the hell with me for giving such advises, when in fact, I was worse when I was on your shoes before.



But yeah, I pretended to be tough with guys before. I was good in keeping my real emotions away from casual SEBs. I knew how to have sex pretending that I was intimate when it fact it was nothing. I did had rounds in a cruising bar with Arrjae tugging along. He was my comfort zone then, we were facing some nice bouts of depression and we freed ourselves by going up to the ledge and danced as if we know that it would take another week for that chance to party again. When he was around, or when some ODDER was with me, I was discouraged to do nasty things. I never forget what Roy and James said when I was doing some exhibition in front of them.



Anyway, when you first posted that entry last week, I can't help but symphatize with you. Not just because i'm your kapatid, but because there remains a memory in me about how it feels... That sad chapter when I was also looking for love, yet it seemed that it's much easier to fullfill the libog rather than intimacy. In fact, at one point I was too upset that Avril Lavigne became my bestfriend for singing that sad song I'm With You.



Whenever the party's over and I'd walk along Orosa at 4 am under a slight drizzle, I can help but remember that song while thinking about the prospects of finding the one next party. I can still remember how lonely it is to be there, that's why I was clinging to Odders then. That's why I kept persuading Omeng to explore the dark room of Mister P. with me.



I understand how bitter you are dude. When it happened to me before, I did not only felt bitter, I entirely scrap the idea of that thing that brought me suffering. After all, I always fail when I did it with somebody. So I chose doing the shortcuts. I think I was lucky with phanks... when I did a shortcut to him. The first time it was a disaster - look at what Eul did to me and to my entire personality?



So don't be sad. It happens all the time. In fact, when you did post that email last week, I was also consoling one of our Brodder. We all fail, but what matters is that we do have some company to be with us, and we do learn... from the pain. I might not be there with you, but I'm always here to listen.



---



In just 9 months, our friendship would be 3 years old. Imagine how time flies. Before, you just posted in the thread proclaiming your one week sexfest. A week before that post and I was still a virgin. And mind you dude, that was the single post that inspired me to embark on my own exploration. The following week, after breaking my bonds with PK. I followed you - I tried to do the same thing as you have did. But I know that I can never did beat you. Sandali lang kasi ako nababakante eh. I could still remember those times - especially when I first met you half-drunk with Kenzo at the Octoberfest. Galing diba? Who would have thought that even though we have had heart to heart talk rarely, our bond is that great that we're still under one boat.



Wala lang. When I read your message this afternoon with those words "miss na kita kapatid," it's like I've appreciated you more for what you are and how you made an impact to my life. Especially now that I've remembered my chat with Omeng this morning.



Things are changing. Priorities are also changing. But whatever happens, I'd always make sure that I'll keep my friends along. For I know in this life, it's hard to find them.



I'll always pray for your happiness kapatid. Forget what they said about you being maganda and all. To me you are one of the best guys i've ever known.



Too bad, only few sees the true beauty in you. But someday, someone will. All you have to do is windowshop until you find...



the right...



for you.

Happy Together

I have to admit, I was fucked up yesterday. I really wasn't in the mood to celebrate the festivities. The whole time I was in my relatives' house, one will find me sleeping or lounging in a spot I've chosen. And yeah, I did bond with my teen cousin by joining him in playing Red Alert.



Gosh, nakakaadik pala! Buti na lang at di ako bumili ng pirated version nun.



So anyway, I spent the afternoon watching a movie with my bud. Since he was somehow upset I suggested that we watched a comedy - Happy Together. I have to admit, idol ko si Kris... but I'm not impressed with the movie. Who would be? I think the story was shallow, the actors... well, boring especially the Starstruck kids and it should have been a multi-generational story but have you noticed that the scene hasn't change? Besides, the indirect product plugging has become irritating.



If it worked in Feng Shui and Crying Ladies, well this time it sucked big time. Down with Purefoods and Smart, their advertisements shifted the viewer's focus from the story.



---



On the other hand, phanks and I had a great time. Pansin ko lang, laki ata ng pinayat niya. People who saw I might have thought that I bought a kid brother along and besides, he's still coughing. Ilang weeks na rin yung ubo niyang yun eh. I've decided to buy him some medicines. Tsk. tsk. mahirap na.



---



Lately, I've been contemplating. What if I asked mom to let phanks live in our place. I'm sure, if I emphasized the financial and security gains we would get from him, she would agree with me.



Sayang naman, instead of him looking for an expensive room-for-rent here in Manila, I could share my room with him. Mawawalan lang ako ng privacy, but hey, he could shoulder some of our expenses. Besides, I'll be very happy to have another guy in the house. Hirap kasi ng nag-iisa lang eh. Hindi naman siya mahirap pakisamahan - except sobrang libog lang. hehehe.



Anyway, one reason why I'd like him to be with me is that I've seen how he sleeps soundly when he's here. He complains that they are overcrowded in their studio type apartment, and aside from that, he curses his brother for always going home drunk - and barfing.



One time, he slept for 12 hours straight and when he woke up, I saw a smile in his face. And then there's this time when he hugged me so tightly the whole night as if I was one of his pillows.



---



Now that I dwell so much on uncertainties. One thing that would finally drive that security wedge between me and my fears is for my loved ones to be here, closest to me. I know, phanks would post very very serious complications if ever he agrees to live with me, yet I'd be willing to take some risks. We had a dry-run before and it did worked well. I wish someday, when we manage to survive all obstacles this relationship would bring us. If we stood our ground for several years more - and break the record for the longest relationship, a PLU has ever known, then at that time, I'll be ready. Forget growing old alone and forgotten



We will live together as couples building a family and break the stigma that destroyed so many before us.



[unedited]

Happy?

It's New Year.



I should be hopeful and optimistic in 2005.

But nah.



It's just another year.

No need to celebrate...

A mere traditional family gathering would do the trick.