I was a squatter in my own home for the last 24 hours.
Thanks to my sister's deadline of submission of her term paper, I was forced to move out of my room as she raced to finish her document before noon this afternoon.
And it left me sleeping in the master's bedroom, beside my mom.
Actually it wasn't an issue naman eh. Being the goody-goody brother that I've become, what's important to me is that she completes her requirements to avoid getting INC in her classcard. I'd rather sacrifice one night wandering rather than see my sister loose her good standing in school.
And so, two days akong walang access sa internet.
---
The work is slowly getting into my nerves.
Ever since I started working, I often go home stressed out to the point of collapsing. Indeed, its true that you have to work your ass out just to earn money. Too bad, our first salary is still 15 days away.
The thought of working still for 15 days just for our efforts to bear fruits dampen my spirit. Indeed, life is really hard these days. Combine it with the threat of the security cutting my sustenance would really drive me insane.
And that's not all.
---
Lately, I can't stop myself for being suspicious of my bud.
I don't know if it's just my delusions telling me that he's keeping something behind my back, that there's someone involved in our relationship or this is just another product of my paranoia?
The weird thing is that whenever he says sweet nothing, it seems like it doesn't really came from him, or he's just forced to say those words just to assure me.
It's like something that came from the wind and it appeared as an sms message on my phone.
I know, this is nuts. But it sometimes brings me to the edge. Really at the very edge.
---
Feeling ko kasi parang pwersado siya sa lahat ng ginagawa niya para sa akin eh. Kahit minsan sobrang assuring pa ng mga text messages at sweet nothings niya.
Di ko alam bakit hindi ko kaya maniwala; bakit tuloy pa rin ang pagdududa at paghihinala ko na meron siyang iba.
Hindi kaya dahil medyo lumilitaw sakin na bagsak ang self confidence ko - physically kaya nagmamanifest sa kanya ang takot ko? Hindi kaya dahil wala na akong kumpyansa sa sarili ko kaya pinapasa ko sa kanya ang lahat ng to?
---
I keep on assuring myself that no matter what happens, I'd stand up if ever he betrays me.
I'd keep my promise of becoming a man-whore once again, this time more extreme than I used to be before.
I'd drop the thoughts of relationship and stick to the belief that men are bound to be cheaters. I'll throw away my "good" side and turn myself into a cheater just like those who cheated me.
And this time, I will never forgive. I'd curse those who'd hurt my heart for all eternity. I will forever be bitter...
---
That thought, no matter how negative or insane it is hold me together in times like this.
I think Yul would be laughing if ever he knew how much he destroyed me.
I think, no matter how I try to remain devoted, loyal and loving to phanks, a side of me will always create such nightmares for me to remember.
---
Suddenly I remembered a thought I heard long ago.
Too much love turns someone into a monster.
---
I think, with what I'm feeling these days, only a strand of sanity and reaffirmation holds me, before I hit him first without any thought of reason.
This paranoia would soon pass. I just hope I can hold on before I commit a mistake I sworn to avoid.
Thanks to my sister's deadline of submission of her term paper, I was forced to move out of my room as she raced to finish her document before noon this afternoon.
And it left me sleeping in the master's bedroom, beside my mom.
Actually it wasn't an issue naman eh. Being the goody-goody brother that I've become, what's important to me is that she completes her requirements to avoid getting INC in her classcard. I'd rather sacrifice one night wandering rather than see my sister loose her good standing in school.
And so, two days akong walang access sa internet.
---
The work is slowly getting into my nerves.
Ever since I started working, I often go home stressed out to the point of collapsing. Indeed, its true that you have to work your ass out just to earn money. Too bad, our first salary is still 15 days away.
The thought of working still for 15 days just for our efforts to bear fruits dampen my spirit. Indeed, life is really hard these days. Combine it with the threat of the security cutting my sustenance would really drive me insane.
And that's not all.
---
Lately, I can't stop myself for being suspicious of my bud.
I don't know if it's just my delusions telling me that he's keeping something behind my back, that there's someone involved in our relationship or this is just another product of my paranoia?
The weird thing is that whenever he says sweet nothing, it seems like it doesn't really came from him, or he's just forced to say those words just to assure me.
It's like something that came from the wind and it appeared as an sms message on my phone.
I know, this is nuts. But it sometimes brings me to the edge. Really at the very edge.
---
Feeling ko kasi parang pwersado siya sa lahat ng ginagawa niya para sa akin eh. Kahit minsan sobrang assuring pa ng mga text messages at sweet nothings niya.
Di ko alam bakit hindi ko kaya maniwala; bakit tuloy pa rin ang pagdududa at paghihinala ko na meron siyang iba.
Hindi kaya dahil medyo lumilitaw sakin na bagsak ang self confidence ko - physically kaya nagmamanifest sa kanya ang takot ko? Hindi kaya dahil wala na akong kumpyansa sa sarili ko kaya pinapasa ko sa kanya ang lahat ng to?
---
I keep on assuring myself that no matter what happens, I'd stand up if ever he betrays me.
I'd keep my promise of becoming a man-whore once again, this time more extreme than I used to be before.
I'd drop the thoughts of relationship and stick to the belief that men are bound to be cheaters. I'll throw away my "good" side and turn myself into a cheater just like those who cheated me.
And this time, I will never forgive. I'd curse those who'd hurt my heart for all eternity. I will forever be bitter...
---
That thought, no matter how negative or insane it is hold me together in times like this.
I think Yul would be laughing if ever he knew how much he destroyed me.
I think, no matter how I try to remain devoted, loyal and loving to phanks, a side of me will always create such nightmares for me to remember.
---
Suddenly I remembered a thought I heard long ago.
Too much love turns someone into a monster.
---
I think, with what I'm feeling these days, only a strand of sanity and reaffirmation holds me, before I hit him first without any thought of reason.
This paranoia would soon pass. I just hope I can hold on before I commit a mistake I sworn to avoid.
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