Epitome (Two)

The smoke from the sticks of incense begin to clear up and as my eyes get use to the unlit surroundings, I notice man-like silhouettes and shadows block my passage. These specters belong to wanderers like me, who, find themselves lost in the maze leading to the dark room. I wade through the pitch black corridor with caution, for everyone appears to be grabbing my crotch. Some daring souls would breathe heavily behind my ears as they rub their boner against my leg. Hands are everywhere and realizing that it is a dead end; that only an abyss and predators await at the end of the narrow walkway, I turn around to follow the faint light coming from the open-air garden. There, some men chatted while guzzling a bottle of Colt Beer. They spoke of work and their previous sexual engagements inside the bath house. I tried to eavesdrop at their conversation but when I sense some lustful eyes and devious smiles turning toward my direction, I slowly walk backwards to begin my retreat.

There is no safe haven in the heart of the fuckfest.

---



I knew what I was going through. It was a Wednesday evening and according to Vince's guide to Epitome, the theme of the bathhouse is Skin Night. It means that all guests are provided with just a towel to cover themselves up. Underwear is not allowed so one has to improvise on how to keep his crotch from being exposed, since the gym towel would never fit a waistline bigger than 32.

I took my clothes off and placed them inside my locker. Lucky for me, I was alone in the room (aside from the attendant, who I suspect was already used to seeing such marvel) so I could freely walk naked without anyone prying their eyes on my junior. I tried to wrap the towel around my waist but it won't fit. "Fuck, paano na ito?" I panicked. Even if I could boast having a respectable built, it was never my intention to show off to those who had better-looking bodies than me.

By sheer act of desperation, I was able to cover my jewels while walking toward the gates of hell. What appeared to be sounds of moaning which I heard while stripping down to my baby suit did not emanate from boisterous men who were too eager to announce their joyful act of breeding inside the tiny cubicles. It actually came from the wide-screen television in the viewing room featuring a hardcore m2m film. The viewing room served a double purpose. Since it was well-lit, guests could actually check each other out. Since no one caught my fancy, I resumed my exploration by descending the steep flight of stairs leading down to the ground below.

If the reception area on the other side of the bath house and its connecting lounge were empty, the ground floor of Epitome proper was teeming with sweaty, fit bodies as far as the eyes could see. Since it was a skin night, nobody in their right mind would dare show up exposing their bulging tummy or sagging man-boobies. Most had broad shoulders to boast, a flat tummy or bulked chest to expose and a pair of biceps to flex and impress the guy they wanted to hook up with. It was a gym bunny's paradise whose only requirement was a beaming smile, a confident approach and a fast hand to grab one's stiff birdie.

But there were serious risks involved in such place where sex and orgasm were easy. You know what I mean. Being aware of the trouble I'm getting myself into, I applied very strict rules regarding my engagement with others.

Absolutely

No bare backing.
No cum swallowing.
No bukkake thingie.

Frottage and sucking should be limited.
Masturbation should be done using one's hand.
Kissing is reserved only for the guy I'd have an orgasm with.

One round is enough.

Of course, I don't do bare backing and swallowing with strangers, but to be on the safer side, it would have been better if I'd remain a mere observer.

Temptation however, tells of a different story.



---

Inside the gym area, I catch a glimpse of a muscular guy doing dumbell curls in front of the mirror. His towel lay on one of the benches as other passing guys look down to have a view of his shortie. I cross to the other side where the shower nozzles and the jacuzzi are to be found. Placing my towel on one of the pots hanging near the pool, I took a dip only to get out when some guys followed and tried to get in.

Walking past several couples making out in the dark, a bald guy appear out of nowhere. "Dun tayo sa taas dude," he whispers to my ears.

"libog na libog ako sayo eh." His voice is cold and soothing, I smiled and followed him upstairs.

We entered a cubicle and locked the door from within. He started moaning as I pinch his nipples and nibble on his neck. "Not bad," I tell myself. At the back of my head however, I am sensing something dark about this person. I have to step on my breaks.

He stops stroking my cock and notice my sudden lack of interest in our activity. Smiling, he then tells me that he wants to get a third wheel. Someone we could double-fuck together, I presume. We went out of the cubicle only to be greeted by men waiting for their turn to get inside.

The place is suffocating and it feels like a haze is blurring my vision.

Knowing the dangers that lie from following my first catch, I allow myself to be swallowed by the darkness and let the bald guy find his way back to the place which spawned him.

---

Special thanks to Discreet Manila for the floor layout.

-tobecontinued-

Epitome (One)

They say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Many people would resort to madness to lift their spirits up just to keep moving and in my case, I have my own flotilla of coping mechanism to restore what is being lost to me. You see, these past few weeks had been rough. The blog can attest to that. On one side, the issues at the homefront gnawed at my defenses. The turbulence was getting unbearable that I had to resort on outside help to pull me out of the mud. To lean on someone was my weapon of choice and so were the strings of male affairs I wrote here on the blog. My hopes ran high with their reaffirmation of shared intimate feelings. But somewhere along, things did not turn out the way I wish them to be. These affairs faded like embers and there were no means to bring them back. I was dumped twice for one reason or another and the rejection cut deep on my ego.

As my order falls one after another, my inner demons begin to re-assert themselves. The savagery of my survival instincts dictate that I should shut my doors tight on friends and allow myself to fall towards the abyss. It happened before and I feel it happening again. My hope is to emerge on the other side of the black hole in one piece. But to achieve such state of confidence, first is I have to feel good about myself.

I chose reckless abandon to achieve my goal and what better way to start the fire by recognizing my carnal repressions. I knew from the very start that my pictures were my greatest disadvantage. It leaves no good impression on people no thanks to my perpetual habit of frowning in front of the lenses. People tend to get intimidated by my frigid and distant attitude that it takes time for me to establish personal rapport. Unless one catches me lowering my defenses, it gets pretty difficult to open me from within.

There are two states where I easily approach strangers. One is during the brief state of ecstasy offered by loud beats and sudden laser flashes offered by dance clubs, the second is by baring my skin in the dark corridors of the bathhouses. My last incarnation at Club Bath proved so disastrous that I vowed never to return. Imagine a place where one could freely choose who to make out and copulate with. The sheer feeling of imposing your standards on others was breathtaking but it leaves you hollow afterward. The inhumanity of rejecting others was too much that I decided to cease returning after my third visit.

I stayed sober for more than a year.

Yesterday was a different story. I was pissed off at everything. I hissed at those who showed concern at my condition, while leaving careless remarks that hurt others. I made fun at people not knowing that I was becoming mean, and when it finally hit me, I snapped. I told myself that perhaps I needed a boost just to feel again. Maybe I can undo the damage by receiving affection even if I get it through artificial means.

And so at half past eight in the evening, I decided to hold back my established protocols and let instincts creep in. Armed with knowledge acquired from Discreet Manila, I sounded the ceremonial drums and lighted the sticks of incense.

"We will perform a different kind of exorcism tonight," Kitsune told me.

"You will return to the bath house scene again."

---

-tobecontinued-

The Taglibog Saga (Chapter Two)

"So Dark Ages mo na ulit?"

Ito ang reaction ni Dodong nang malaman niyang split na kami ni Raizen. Si Dodong ang isa sa mga una kong ka-tropang PLU, at sa loob ng mahabang panahon na kami ay magkaibigan ay alam na niya ang istorya ng buhay ko.

At tama nga ang kanyang agam-agam. Wala pang tatlong linggo ay balik na naman ako sa dating diskarte. Tambayan ko ulit ang Malate at doon ay nilabas ko ang lahat ng angas at libog na inipon ko sa loob ng buong linggo. Uso noon ang mga Dark Rooms. Ito ay isang madilim na bahagi ng isang bar kung saan malayang nakakapagparaos ang mga clubbers kasama ang kanilang napiling partner. Wala pa naman akong nakitang nagkangkangan sa loob ng masikip at napakainit na lugar na iyon, pero ang blowjob, magsasawa ka talaga.

Doon ko nasaksihan kung paano nagpapalit-palit ng bibig ang burat ng isang binata sa sampung lalaking nagtake-turns sa pagroromansa sa kanya. Sa Dark Room ko rin naranasan magsenti sa bar counter. Bangag ako ng umagang yun, nakaupo at nakatingin sa bintana para abangan ang pagsikat ng araw habang lahat naman sa aking paligid ay umuungol, kumakadyot at nagmumura habang nilalabasan sa sahig (o sa bibig ng kanilang partner) ng semilya. Yung katabi ko naman ay panay ang lamas sa aking katawan. Gusto yatang maka-iskor pero hindi ko ito pinatulan. Lumabas ako ng bar na tuod at tila wala sa sarili. Shit, ganun pala ang pakiramdam makakita ng walang habas na babuyan.

Naroon rin ang #salsalan sa MIRc. Tambay rin ako ng chatroom tuwing walang magawa sa bahay. Madalas ay naghahamon lang naman ako ng away sa ibang chatters o kaya naman ay nangkukupal ng mga ads para sa SEB sa main room. Paano kasi ay walang nag-uusap. Lahat ay naghahanap ng sex. Minsan sa sobrang buraot ay nang-gago ako ng ad ng isang chatter. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang ad niya, pero tandang-tanda ko na pinagkalat kong apat na pulgada lang ang kanyang ari.

Kahit hindi pa naman kami nagkikita.

Malimit ay nagpapalit ako ng chat handle para lang mag-ingay sa main channel. Sa halip na kalibog-libog na nickname ang aking gamit, nagiging taonggoy o kaya naman ay boyburnek ang pangalan ko. Sa loob ng isang oras at mahigit, puros flooding ng ads sa paghahanap ng lakatan, kuto o kaya naman ay saging na saba ang nababasa ng mga ibang chatters mula sa akin.

Ako rin lang ang chatter dun na nagsabing nilalabasan ng tamod na kulay green o kaya blue o kung minsan naman ay rainbow colors para lang magpapansin sa iba.

Naging adik man ang mga hirit ko sa #salsalan ngunit ang kapalit naman ay ilang mga kasama na hindi ko tinalo sa chatroom. Naroon kami bilang tambay at ang gawain lang namin ay mangkupal ng mga chatter na naghahanap ng SEB. Kung sumasapit naman ang mga pagkakataon na talagang naghahanap ako ng aksyon, mas mabilis pa sa alas kuwatro kung ako ay makipagkasunduan sa ibang tao.

me: Place mo pare?
malibog-na-chatter: Dito sa Vito Cruz.
me: San sa Vito Cruz?
malibog-na-chatter: Malapit sa AKIC
me: Tara trip tayo!

Hindi pa uso ang trade pictures kaya't maaring idaan sa stats ang deal or no deal. Sa buong buwan ng Marso at Abril ay naranasan ko makipag-trip sa isang abandonadong apartment sa may San Andres Bukid; Sa katabing-bahay ng barkada ko noong high school sa Hulo; at sa isang tripper malapit sa Legarda bago pumasok sa trabaho. Ayus nga eh, may partner siya noon at wala daw siyang pakielam kahit mahuli pa kaming dalawa na may ginagawang himala. Naranasan ko rin dumayo ng Pateros galing Project 6 isang madaling araw ng lasing upang maulit lang ang pagniniig namin ng lalaking sumalo sa akin sa Mister Piggy's. Siya ang nag-uwi sa akin noong mag-away kami ni Raizen sa ikalawang pagkakataon.

Sa sandaling panahon ay nasulit ko ang pagiging pakawalang malaya. Subalit nakakapagod rin pala ang paulit-ulit at walang sense na pakikipag-sex sa iba't ibang tao. Wala man sa lima ang score ko sa loob ng dalawang buwan ngunit madali rin akong napagod sa mundong pinasok ko. Kaya't nang may nagpakita sa akin ng interes mga anim na taon na ang nakalipas, mabilis ko rin itong sineryoso.

At gaya ng nauna sa kanya, ang aming unang pagtatagpo ay nauwi sa motel at matapos ang isang linggo,

kaming dalawa na.

---

-tobecontinued-

The Taglibog Saga (Chapter One)

At dahil trip ko manggaya ng blogpost ng iba;
at dahil nalalapit na ang expiration date ng aking ceasefire sa pakikidigma sa kama;
ikukuwento ko ang dahilan kung bakit sa kabila ng tawag ng laman ay magaling akong magtimpi at lumaban sa aking karnal na pangangailangan.

---

Twenty one ako nang unang makatikim ng lalaki.

Tandang tanda ko yun. Pinagbantay ng pad ang ka-seb ko. Tinitirhan iyon ng kaibigan niyang babae. Habang nagchi-chill out kami ay naglabas ang aking kasama ng isang plastic bag na ang laman ay bigkis bigkis na pinatuyong mga dahon. Kumuha siya ng kakarampot at binalot iyon sa papel. Sinindihan niya ito at salitan kami sa paghithit. Mausok ang paligid, matamis ang lasa ng usok. Makailang saglit, para na akong lumulutang sa langit. Hindi ko mawari kung ano ang nangyayari sa aking paligid.

Hanggang sa bigla na lang kami naghalikan at nagkuyumusan ng mga labi.

Binalak ko sanang araw-araw ang SEB nun sa loob ng isang linggo. Tutal first time kaya may karapatan akong maging pakawala. Nang sumunod na gabi ay may round 2 dapat kami ng naka-sex ko the night before. Kaso, nagkasalisihan kaya hindi natuloy. Sa halip, bumalik ako sa chatroom upang maghanap ng bagong kaniig. Dinala ko pa ito sa bahay at pinakilalang ka-tropa sa magulang. Habang nag-iinuman sa aking kuwarto, bigla niya akong hiniritan ng "kiss mo nga ako." Ako naman si tanga na kumagat kaya hayun, buong gabi yata kaming nabuhay sa romansa ng ka-partner ko.

Hindi nabuo ang aking panata. Dala ng pagkatorpe ay nauwi lang yata sa tatlo ang ka-sex ko noong linggong iyon. Subalit simula noon ay hindi tumatagal ng dalawang linggo na ako ay bakante. Dala ng kapusukan, mabilis akong ma-enganyo ng tukso.

Mabuti na lang at kakambal ng aking kalibugan ang kakayahang magseryoso. Wala pang tatlong buwan matapos madiskubre ang SEB ay nakatagpo kaagad ako ng makakarelasyon. Nagsimula iyon sa isang one-night-stand na nauwi sa matinding attachment. Tinamaan daw siya sa akin matapos kong bantayan sa pagtulog kaya't hayun, wala pang isang linggo ay nagsabihan na kami ng "I love you" sa isa't isa.

Sa kanya ako natuto maging bottom... at matulog ng walang kahit anong suot tuwing kami ay magkatabi sa futon bed. Sa kanya ko naranasan mag three-rounder sa isang umaga o kaya naman ay maalimpungatan sa pagtulog na binabarena.

Hayup.

Naging sulit man ang pagniniig naming dalawa ngunit hindi ko yata naramdaman sa kanya ang totoong romansa. He hates kissing daw, lalo na kapag nasa jerjer part na. Marami pang seremonyas ang kailangang gawin bago siya magkaroon ng mood makipaglaro sa akin. Bandang huli ay napilitan na akong magmakaawa. Sobrang kati ko daw, iyon ang lagi niyang reklamo sa akin. Gusto ko sanang sabihin na palibhasa matanda na siya at kulang na sa sexercise. Hindi pa nasiyahan si ex sa deprivation na ginawa niya sa akin. Nagbitaw rin siya ng kundisyon na bawal akong manghalay tuwing matutulog kami ng magkatabi.

Isang beses ay nag-away kami bago matulog. Pinilit kong makipagbati ngunit dedma lang ang sinukli niya sa akin. Hinawakan ko ang kanyang tutoy ngunit muntikan pa akong masapak dahil dito. Nabadtrip ako, at ang badtrip ay natuloy sa pag-alis ng kuwarto. Tutal sa Malate kami nagkakilala kaya sa Malate rin ako magtatago. Walang nangyari noon sa aking rebelyon at nagkaayos kami bago magtanghali. Subalit nang mag-away kami sa ikalawang pagkakataon, tumakbo na ako ng Mister Piggy's upang doon maglabas ng sama ng loob.

Dala ng tama ng alak, katigangan dahil sa partner na masungit, at pagmamalabis na aking nararamdaman matapos isuko ang lahat para sa iisang tao na sinumpa kong pagsilbihan at unawain, bumawi ako ng bonggang-bongga.

Ang aking rebelyon ay nauwi sa kama ng iba at matapos ang dalawang linggo. Split na kami ng aking unang partner na si Raizen.

---

-tobecontinued-

Sa Iyo

pasensya na nasarapan lang...







...sa mga yakap mo.

---

At may utang pa pala ako sayong lakad.

The Chickboy Strain

This is what really happened last night.

---

[09:35] Centurion: proud daw ang princesa
[09:35] Centurion: hehehe
[09:36] Centurion: well.. ngayon ka lang niya kasi nakitang ganun...
[09:36] Centurion: ako twice na kitang nakita
[09:36] MuGen: alam mo ba kung ano ang nangyari talaga?
[09:36] Centurion: nangyari na?
[09:37] MuGen: kagabi
[09:37] MuGen: paano nauwi sakin yung chick
[09:37] Centurion: pano nga ba?
[09:37] Centurion: nag cr ako
[09:37] MuGen: yung babae kasi
[09:37] MuGen: lasing na nung abutan natin
[09:37] Centurion: pag balik ko may kalingkisan ka na na chick
[09:37] MuGen: kung kani-kanino dumidikit
[09:37] MuGen: nung una dumikit na siya sa akin
[09:37] MuGen: tingin kaagad ako kay lukayo
[09:37] MuGen: haha kasi kinabahan ako
[09:37] MuGen: tapos nawala yung babae
[09:37] MuGen: lumingkis sa iba
[09:38] MuGen: eh yung mga tangang straight
[09:38] MuGen: hindi marunong umantabay sa chick
[09:38] MuGen: kapag nabubuwal hinahayaan
[09:38] MuGen: hayun, nung tutumba siya nasalo ko kaagad ang siko
[09:38] MuGen: napansin niya, ngumiti sa akin
[09:38] MuGen: hindi ko namalayan
[09:38] Centurion: in fairness joms.. panalo ang ang beauty niya..
[09:38] MuGen: nakasandal na siya sa katawan ko

---

Second to straight-acting men, it is the ladies I hit on whenever I find myself on the dance floor. I cannot resist getting aroused whenever I see curvy hips sway and real boobs bounce to the sound of house music.

The spectacle witnessed by Encantadia at Guillys is just one of the shameless display of lewdness I do whenever I loosen my inhibitions because of the music and alcohol. It was the sexy chick who came to dance with me and had there been no eyes watching us, (especially the girl's best friend) my moves could have been more aggressive. I remember the last time I did swing with a girl by telling her all the sweet nothings I could come up with, I ended up making out - tongue slurping, spit swapping, and cock-boob squeezing - with this fag hag despite being surrounded by gay men inside a bar in Malate.

I bet their eyes were all telling me "kadire" and "ipokrito."

But its just me. The flirting wasn't intentional, I'm just good at making bola.

And despite my tendencies to pull a trick like what Darwin and the rest of the gang have seen last night. I stay faithful to my leanings.

No, I'm not bisexual.


I don't see myself enjoying the mount and hump part when the trick extends up to bed.

---

And when I do end up with a chick in bed. Lemme see, I'll let her take it from behind.

Premature Ejaculation

There are things we will never learn and there are things bound to happen over and over again. For whatever it's worth, the constant cycle reminds us of events which are inescapable. No matter how we try to impose new changes, when opportunity arises, we embrace it for its familiarity. But alas, time has changed many things. Sweetness doesn't carry much gravity like it used to in the older days.

"I choose you because I want to meet someone human."

Gullibility, a flaw I readily admit I possess. It was my leaning towards gallantry that made him snap the bait. I knew what he needed - like most boys were in that place. He found a companion in me, and lucky for us both, we learned of our shared values which I am looking in a new partner.

The amazing discoveries urged me to do a full throttle: I will step my best foot forward. Had he never told me that he was a family man, an abused partner in his previous lifetime and a stick-to-one lover in a relationship, I would not allow myself to be drawn too close. Maybe I was merely battle-weary from strangling my cyberdemons to welcome his organic presence with open arms. I took care of him that night. I held his body against mine when he was close to wobbling at the middle of the road, thanks to alcohol; rubbed his back with cloth when it was damp with sweat; and lent my shoulders for his heavy head to lean on. I never saw him as a complete stranger for I felt our connection.

And so strong it was, I pressed myself too much just to become part of his life.

Maybe it was his closest friends' prodding that we should become lovers; maybe it was his after-sex sweetness; or maybe it was my grand vision of becoming a devoted partner that gave this illusion of a future between us. My views about relationship has become so erratic that it sometimes leaves me cold, and sometime leaves me with a burning desire to embrace another. The intensity of our moment shattered all inhibitions that I thought with all honesty, that there was a chance; that the path was already laid ahead.

When in truth, I might have been just a booty call; a gas station for lonely guys needing a boost of affection.

Day ends and I felt like being suspended halfway between heaven and hell. I was waiting for him to reply to the sweet text messages I sent. Sleeplessness; a body and a mind battered with so many fears and creeping doubts had left me catatonic on my way home.

Still, love may find its way after the deception. These gloomy thoughts, may just be a vent from all those years of discrediting the magic of a romantic union after all. For whatever it's worth, the premature ejaculation of emotions severed the ties binding me to my frisky leanings.

My absence from all hook-up grounds will remain in place. I have shamed myself in Malate twice and there is no reason now to go back for sometime. The raunchy consummation had left me no longer seeking intimacy for quite some time. I've been used up or filled, depending on one's perspective. If and ever my belief about booty calls, full-swig sweetness and bar scenes will only lead to further heartaches then maybe there is no use searching in those places.

Or maybe I should simply accept the truth which tells of too much giving losing its value after being rubbed over one person again and again.

No wonder for the first time, I didn't give a name to someone who almost, had me, giving up my fort.

The Fox

Maybe, just maybe, the reason why I don't want to go back is because I know, I know, that something sinister lurks inside me. And time and again, whenever I am left to fend for my own solitude, in the deepest of the night it emerges; it seethes, like invisible fire burning my skin. It seeks its own end after brief moments of being alive; it seeks a direct path, a course towards the orgasm of the senses in a most efficient manner, for it is aware that a leash holds it in place. It knows, it is being pinned down, manipulated and distracted for it not to succeed in its desires. To consume is its calling and to abandon, its passing and the more it is being silenced; the more it is being shoved, down the throat, of the things he can never do and the acts he can never perform, the more it fights back with much fury and more persistence to make its every breath accountable.


13 Mar 2009, 07:13
You: gaano ka ka hard mag-fuck pare?

13 Mar 2009, 07:48
hukbo: very hard pare

trip ko yung isasagad etits ko tapos huhugutin hanggang ulo tapos isasagad uli ng mabilis

13 Mar 2009, 09:17
You: sarap nun bro. masarap run yung inuupuan ka tapos ginigiling nung bottom mo yung balakang niya sayo. Habang ikaw naman eh kinukuyumos ng halik ang kanyang mapupulang labi. Sarap!

13 Mar 2009, 09:20
hukbo: shit trip ko din yun. habang ginigiling nung btm pwet nya sa titi ko, kinakadyot ko naman titi ko pataas para lalo pasok sa pwet nya, tapos naghahalo na pawis namin

13 Mar 2009, 09:23
You: sarap nun men sagad na sagad. ewan ko lang kung hindi tumirik ang mata ng bottom mo niyan. Siguro sa sarap ng baon mo pati balikat mo eh makakagat niya.

13 Mar 2009, 09:27
hukbo: tangna pare may btm ako na todo hard fuck ginawa ko. 3sme yun. dapat habang doggie ko sya bj nya yung isa. pero sa sobrang hard fuck ko sa kanya wala na sya nagawa kundi umungol habang hawak titi nung isang top, di na masubo hehe

13 Mar 2009, 09:29
You: sana men ako yung bottom mo nun. Hahaha. lalaban ako ng patas senyong dalawa. ng top.

13 Mar 2009, 09:38
hukbo: pare cge ba il fuck u good

13 Mar 2009, 09:39
You: and i will make sure i'd be worth it. hahaha.

13 Mar 2009, 09:55
hukbo: Ok ah. may facepics ka tol?

Only to be reminded time and again that he is long dead.

---

First Week: 0 real-time engagements 3 vocal harassment 5 textual insinuations. The statistics could be re-arranged, the heart, cannot.

Slipping Malate

It's been a day and a night after some intruding hand had snatched it from my gaping side pocket, but the events that lead to its lost still replays at the back of my head. It could have been averted, had I not lulled my senses with three bottles of Red Horse Beer. However, done is the deed that could make me stop the madness.

Deliverance has revealed the exit from the dark, suffocating and sweaty grounds of the dance floor.

---

Past midnight. Encantadia left Trinoma after a night of stories and jokes passed around the table. The Kondesa finally met the Dukesa - the two gentlemen who became the significant others of the ones belonging to the original five. Their introduction was a pleasant experience. Both guys found a stronger connection to the group. I missed the Dukesa after months of not being able to see him. His presence last night reminded me how his partner, Tagay, had matured and how the friendship among the three of us had grown.

My Gimik Pass for the week hasn't been used yet and I was planning to take advantage of the weekend to sneak into the dancing grounds of Che'Lu. It was a Sunday morning and I am most certain that the place would be packed with gay men. Bored and restless, I instructed the cab to drive me to Malate. The night was young, and I'd like to spend it doing something fun.

Che'lu was indeed packed that night, unfortunately, it wasn't the crowd I was looking for. Gone are the nights when straight-acting strangers would trade glances and smile at you. In their place were kids - lanky, snooty, and broken-armed twinks huddled in groups which included their loud and boisterous fag hags. I felt out of place, really, and to forget how solitary my spot was in the order of things, to satiate myself with beer was the only solution I had in mind.

First Red Horse Bottle.

I scoured the dance floor for a challenger. Even with barely 2 hours of sleep, my mind was in the mood to grind and bend my body. I bumped into several boys worthy as an adversary, however, they haven't seen through my provocations. They were busy tapping, shoving and mingling with their friends instead of looking for some action.

It might be possible also, that my mojo isn't with me that night. I left it in dreamland somehow.

Second Red Horse Bottle.

It was past 1 in the morning. The crowd was getting rowdier and the dance floor had become a watering hall for fairies. I should have gone to the bath houses instead, if it was action I really sought. Maybe the tiled chambers offered more options to meet the guys I sought. But to fuck wasn't really my plan. Besides, it's been more than a year since I entered its naked halls. It was enough that I get attention from strangers and hunt down potential preys that could serve as a distraction until I decide to settle for the one.

Tipsy and on the verge of passing out. I wrapped my big arms around a catatonic kid's lean frame. He never showed any response. He might have not noticed my groping at all.

Third Red Horse Bottle

I stood at a corner mustering whatever strength and degree of control I could impose on my senses. Being there on a sleepless, intoxicated night wasn't really a good idea. I should have headed straight home instead. As I was about to leave and accept my defeat for not getting a worthy partner during my stay, I noticed this particular stocky guy dancing in front of me. He wasn't really my type, but the way he danced provoked me.

The guy appeared to be an interesting target.

I positioned myself in front of him and pretended to follow his bouncy moves. He sensed my approach and began brushing off his fingers against mine. The fish caught my bait and within seconds our sweaty bodies found themselves merging and becoming one. He was a good partner for bending my will and forcing me to accept his dominance. Unlike the previous ones who would cautiously test the waters, he was an outright aggressor. It never felt this good letting a stranger have a total control over the way I moved.

For that alone, I shoved my back against his groin and let him thrust himself until he got tired. Talk about doing a frottage on a club. Four house tracks, several make-out moments, and two discreet sliding-of-one's-hand-inside-someone-else's-jeans and I felt like a slut.

During a break, he asked for my number. Since I wasn't interested to prolong our contact I gave him a wrong one instead. Good thing, he did not insist that I get his number as well.

---

It was already getting late and I have work the following morning. It's time to go home.

Feeling the contents of my pockets, something appeared missing. The lost triggered the alarm. I tried frisking my pockets again and it wasn't there. I was hoodwinked, maybe, by the same person who broke down my defenses. There was a moment of shock and panic, but experience tells that there was no use turning the place around for a stolen phone.

To accept the lost was the only course of action. I returned to my dance partner and hugged him for one last time. He sympathized for my lost and tried to console me the best way he could. Meanwhile my hands were everywhere, frisking his pockets.

He didn't have my phone.

Though he may be responsible for its lost, to achieve the deed required accomplices. However, I had no proofs to support my assumptions so I let things be and charged everything to experience.

I left the bar distraught over losing my phone. It might have been acquired through a friend's generosity, but there is no doubt that its lost speak about the way I take care of things.

And how easy it was for me to accept their passing.

With nothing else to do, (despite finally winning the attention and caresses of the guy I've been exchanging smiles and glances since the boyfriend days) I slipped out of Malate as obscurely as I arrived.

---


The phone has been replaced (and charged to my credit card) Please introduce yourself when you send me a text message. Thank you.

Elements Of The Darkstar

Tonight, we shall lift the steely curtains of repression to reveal the naughtier side of me.

It's been several days since I noticed how the kick of mischievousness has loosened my grip with decorum. For three consecutive nights, the pricey self pleasures of phone sex were my safety harness against my conscious attempts to turn into a promiscuous boy. For those of you who were not yet my readers when the Mugenblue-Odinhood Pact was ratified, the treaty with a fellow blogger serves as my abstinence from all the hook-up sites that abound. I can be pretty nasty out there, (considering how expert I've become in the art of baiting everyone thanks to my previous presence in those seedy cyber-foxholes.) and there is no limit to what I can do now that no one holds me back.

A few days ago, another pact has been formalized. This time, the ambiguous agreement hopes to kill any attachments that may form when someone gets close to winning my affection. It's a friendly reminder to never let feelings run, for I may hurt others and myself in the process. Now I see trouble coming, because the same Shuriken Pact can be exploited if and ever I pursue the path towards the pleasures of the flesh.

I'm sure you know what I mean.

The Darkstar sums up the aggressive, dominant and self-pleasing side of my personality. It is driven by confidence and sometimes, the callings of lust fuels its desire to take control of my actions. It used to have a more malevolent reincarnation by the name of Kitsune. Kitsune can sense it's straight-acting prey by simply looking at a guy's body movements. He plays with men without any regard for any emotional connection that may come after the intimacy is done. Fortunately, I stopped short of wielding too much exposure in the Bath Houses and the online hook-up scene when my cruel game has become intolerable.

I fear for the mess my actions might create.

Therefore, the entity disappeared as abruptly as it was created.

So what are the things the Darkstar is capable of doing? I will give you an example of how he engages equally game guys in a conversation. You may consider the exchanges below as something fictional - if you have already engaged me in a real-time sms friendly chat.

---

Darkstar: Anong gawa mo dude?

Prey001: Heto busy sa trabaho. Ikaw?

Darkstar: Petiks sa work. Hey, papisil naman ng etits mo. Nasarapan ako sa trip natin kagabi.

Prey001: Haha sira ka ba. Baka tigasan ako dito, hindi ako makatayo sa chair ko.

Darkstar: Ayos yan bro, tigas na rin burat ko eh. Kiss mo nga si putotoy ko.

Prey001: Mwah!

Darkstar: Nice, kaya kita gustong ka-text eh. Game ka sa banat ko.

Prey001: Miss you.

Darkstar: Tanginamo, pag-nag meet tayo, itotorrid kita. Unahanan na lang kung sino makarating sa langit pag-nagtagpo tayo sa kama. Lol.

Darkstar: Na-iimagine ko kung paano mo ako babanatan. Shit! Baon na baon pre. Dapat walang hugutan buong magdamagan.

Prey001: Ahh sarap. Galing mo pre.

Darkstar: Siguraduhin mo lang na hindi mo ako mapapalakad kinabukasan, kung hindi, yang pwet mo ang paduduguin ng burat ko.

Prey001: Sex na tayo haha.

Darkstar: Hahaha. Antay ka lang, bibitinin muna kita para palaban ka pag nagkantutan tayo.

---

Okay, I'll stop there. I could be kinkier considering how bareback porn - where the actors really shoot their load inside their partner's hole - gives me a boner.

Of course there are limitations when it comes to teasing and doing the things I say in a game of provocation. I am still bound by responsibilities, which I've learned from reading people's thoughts here and elsewhere. Bottom line is, I need to constantly check (and suppress) my carnal leanings for I know that after it's done comes the long period of grieving.

For my other sides have learned that nothing fulfilling comes after a mind-blowing casual sexual encounter.

Even if it's a very intimate threesome with two very masculine top guys, which will forever remain my ultimate but very elusive sextrip.

So there goes my demons running wild within the confines of Mugenblog. As the saying goes, better express one's deadly thoughts than doing it with a stranger, for what has happened can never be undone. March has always been the month of beginnings and the month of conclusions for me.

Whatever path I take must still lead to something profound and constructive.

And though there are times I let go of my inhibitions - like I am doing for this entry, it is my hope that when the real kinkiness of Darkstar comes in, it will be exercised and performed with boundless lust and so full of love with someone who is equally creative, and mightily cunning and twice as aggressive as my potentials reveal.

I am willing to wait for him to come.

---

Hubby003: Ahhh malapit na ako hon!!

Mugen: Ako rin puputok na. Shit galing mo talaga.

Hubby003: Saan ko ipuputok?

Mugen: Sa loob. Gawa tayo ng baby.

Hubby003: Ulol. Hahaha.

Mugen: Gusto ko lalaki. Para puwede ko sunduin sa school. Tapos makikipag-sapakan ako sa tatay ng bully. Daddy rin ako ah!

Hubby003: Hahaha...

Mugen Bilisan mo ahhh!

Hubby003: Heto na... Heto na... Kiss nga kita.

Mugen: Fuck, im cumming. Sabay tayo. Mmmmm..

Hubby003: Here it goes!!! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Sightings and Apparitions

Metrowalk, Ortigas.

The months went by without the group seeing each other for a round of drinking and bonding. The Outsiders has been around since I turned PLU more than six years ago. Last Saturday was the first time they saw me single, after years of being in a relationship they have come to reject.

Among my barkada in the Odders, it is with Dodong I always confide my situation. That night, he had a news for me.

"Uy may tsismis ako sayo."

"Ano yun kapatid?" I was still beaming a smile knowing I had to share good things that night.

"Alam mo si Phanks, nag message sa aking sa Friendster."

Suddenly, it was like a cold gust of wind hit my face. Almost unconsciously, I grabbed a stick of yosi from a pack lying on the table.

"Ano sabi?"

"Gets mo na yun... Nagkaroon nga ako ng dilemma kung ire-relay ko sayo yung message o hindi eh."

"Ummm, can you give me some details?" The good vibes I bought at the reunion was no more, in its place was a feeling of dread and distraught upon knowing he still makes apparitions.

"Gusto niya makipagbalikan sayo."

During the early weeks of the break-up a lot of people speculated that a reconciliation is inevitable. After all, who would let a five-year relationship go to waste as easy as what I did. However, time has come when I realize that everything is going down the drain. The laptop, which I am still paying up to now was the catalyst that lead to our end. As the months go by knowing that I bleed for something that can never be mine, the more I resent whatever relationship I had in the past.

And lately, I feel like I'm in a crucible: The constant flashbacks of what I have been through resist all the burning desire to move on and start all over again. The chemical reaction melts me at some boiling point, only to harden again when a bad memory leaves me unfazed with any real chemical reaction.

"So anong sabi mo?"

"Hindi ako nagreply. Nakaka-bad trip nga eh, inaccept ko yung invitation niya, yun pala eh ganon lang ang balak niya sa akin."

"Kelan nangyari to?" I asked while lighting my second stick of cigarette.

"Mga two weeks ago."

At one point of the healing process, I told someone that the only time I'd be able to move on and have a sense of closure is when I learn that he found someone new. I would be assured that there's no need for me anymore and what we had will be under the bridge for him.

The news Dodong bought suddenly reminded me of an ex's confession the night we finally had a closure.

Raizen complained that in six months we've been together, I spoiled him so much that the ones who came after was no match to my feat. While I was steadily building my bonds with Phanks, there he was jumping from one failed gay relationship to another until he got tired of the cycle and moved on to another country to find work.

The last time I checked his Friendster account, he was with another man in his main profile. I presume that he is his new boyfriend.

Despite what Phanks had done to me - the heartaches, the emotional hostage takings, and all the times I felt I was taken for granted and used for his own advancement - my sincerest desire is for him to find another guy who could at least give him solace in this time of sadness. It is enough that I continue to suffer the trauma, but I will never find peace so long as the thoughts of his sudden return continues to haunt me.

Dodong may not be aware of it but the moment he ignored Phanks' request for intervention, he shielded me from all the emotional turmoil that I will have to face if the ex makes a very rude comeback. That night, my friends and I talked about the breakup and how I am barely coping up with my new-found singlehood. They had their thoughts and hesitations, but like all others who witnessed how my dream-like love story went into a spiral downfall, they were relieved that it's all over.

That I am finally free.

Before We Close The Gates

And lately it seems we've been chasing
what time's resolved.
Or maybe something means nothing
Here after all.

- Collective Soul, After All

---

Minsan sa isang inuman ay natanong ako ng isang kaibigan kung marunong pa daw ako magmahal. Ikinagulat ko ang kanyang tanong sapagkat ito ay nakakagago. Hindi ko rin naman siya masisi, doon kasi sa tagayang iyon ko inamin sa kanya kung gaano ka miserable ang buhay relasyon ko noon.

Ngayong nagbabalik-tanaw ako sa mga kaganapan noong inumang iyon, nagsisisi ako sapagkat sana'y nasabi ko sa aking kaibigan ang aking hiling na makaramdam kung paano tunay na mahalin. Sa loob kasi ng maraming taon ay tila ba lahat ng pagmamahal na binigay ng aking kabiyak ay may kundisyon. Naroon na ituring niya akong ATM sa tuwing nagkukulang ang kanyang sweldo o kaya nama'y gawing computer shop ang aking kwarto sa tuwing siya'y may assignment sa school. Ayoko na sanang maalala ang mga ito, subalit ngayong ako ay nasa proseso ng pagsasara ng puso, hindi ko maiwasang magmuni-muni kung paano ba totoong makaramdam.

Sa mahabang panahon, ang tawag ng laman ang siyang nagdikta ng pagpasok ko sa isang relasyon. Hindi ko na inisip ang pag-iisang dibdib ng mga diwa o kahit na ang pagkakaroon ng similarity sa mga bagay-bagay. Noon, basta alam kong may naramdaman ako sa isang tao ay handa ko nang suungin ang relasyon. Ang resulta, pagkabigo sa pag-ibig dahil sa hindi pagkakasundo sa prinsipyo at paninindigan.

Nakakapanghinayang.

Malinaw sa akin na marami na akong pagkakataong sinayang. Patapos na rin ako sa pamamasyal sa pamilihan sapagkat nararamdaman ko na ang bigat ng edad sa aking mga prioridad. Nararamdaman ko na aabutin ng mahabang panahon ang paghihilom ng mga sugat na iniwan ng aking nakaraan kaya't kinakailangan kong ipinid ang pintuan ng pag-ibig. Hindi pa ako handang harapin ang bagay na ito.

Subalit sa aking pansamantalang pamamahinga, nararapat na mag-iwan ako ng mga bakas upang sa aking pagbabalik ay alam ko kung sino ang aking hahanapin. Takot man akong maglayag sa karagatan muli, subalit ang tawag ng damdamin ay hindi ko maaring ipagwalang-bahala ng matagal. Ang puso ay kusang tumitibok pilitin man natin itong itago sa ating sarili at kapag ito'y nangyari muli sa akin, tanging ang mga bakas na aking iniwan ang siyang magiging gabay kung ako ba ay magmamahal o muling magtatago.

Heto ang ilan sa mga aking mahigpit na pagbabatayan sa muling pagkakataong ako'y iibig muli:


1. Pipili ako ng ka-partner na mas maangas sa akin. Hangad ko ang laging nahahamon ang aking pagkalalaki. Likas rin sa akin ang pagiging pakawala at mahirap makontrol. Hindi ko alam kung mapapasunod ako ng isang taong kilos malamya. Nangangamba rin ako na maaring hindi ko seryosohin ang isang effeminate. Upang maiwasan magkasakitan ng damdamin, serseryoso lang ako ng taong makakagabay sa akin.

2. Sanay na akong tumayong mag-isa. Hindi man ako independent sa maraming bagay, subalit masyadong mataas ang pride ko upang umasa sa iba. Kung hahanap ako ng isang kapartner, pipiliin ko na ang isang maabilidad at marunong mag-control sa mga nangyayari sa kanyang paligid. Limang taon kong nahasa ang pagiging ma-diskarte sa mga problema salamat sa aking ex na laging umaasa sa akin ng mga solusyon. Na-spoon feed ko man siya, subalit ang kapalit noon ay ang pagkakaroon ng initiative upang makita ang mga sitwasyon bago pa man ito maganap.

3. Hahanap ako ng kapartner na malapit sa kanyang pamilya. For a change, pangarap ko naman mapakilala sa pamilya ng aking boyfriend kahit na ako'y isang matalik na kaibigan lang sa kanilang paningin. Ganito rin ang nais kong mangyari sa aking pamilya. Lubos kong bibigyang paggalang ang aking kapartner sakaling tanggap niya ang pagiging mama's boy. Ang batas ng nanay kasi ang siyang umiiral sa aming pamamahay at kung maipapakilala ko siya sa aking nanay bilang isang lalaking malapit sa kanyang ina, hindi malayong ang aking tahanan ay maging kanya rin.

4. Pipili ako ng kapartner na low maintenance. Matagal ko nang tinalikuran ang materyal na pangkasiyahan at nadala na ako sa relasyong ang nagpapaikot ay pera. Kilala ang mga PLU sa pagiging vain at metrosexual. Hindi ko makakaila na sa maraming panahon ay ganito rin ako. Subalit, anumang trappings ng vanity meron sa akin, ang pagiging koboy, rugged at fit ang siyang mga traits na hahanapin ko sa aking magiging kahati.

5. Masyado mang mababaw ngunit pagdating sa common interests, maghahanap ako ng buddy na mahilig sa kasaysayan, anime, science fiction at alternative music. Ngayon ko lang aaminin na kapag ako ay in-love o kaya naman ay nasa mood mangromansa, ang maririnig mong tugtog sa aking player ay mga kanta ni Shawn Mullins, Bic Runga, Five For Fighting, Dishwalla, Paula Cole, Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls at Ben Folds Five.

6. Ang pagsusulat ang natatanging kong sandata na maaring ipagmalaki (bukod pa sa isa) Higit kong ikatutuwa kung ang aking kapartner ay hindi lamang magaling makipaglaro sa kama kundi matindi rin makipagtagisan pagdating sa wika at sa pagsulat ng istorya - mapa-Ingles man ito o Filipino.

7. Nasambit ko minsan sa isang kausap na ang tatlong component na bumubuo sa aking pagkatao ay ang pagiging creative, esoteric at intellectual. Lubhang napakahirap hanapin nito sa isang tao. Sakaling ako man ay makakatagpo ng katapat, asahan mong ito'y hindi ko bibitawan.

8. Dalangin kong makatagpo ng isang kapartner na may pinaniniwalaan at nag-uumapaw ang kabutihan.

9. Pipili ako ng isang kapartner na mababaw ang kaligayahan. Siya yung tipo ng tao na makakahanap ng kasiyahan sa mahabang paglalakad o kaya nama'y pag-eexplore sa mga lugar lugar na hindi pa namin nakikita. Siya ang tipo na makikitaan mo ng ngiti o kaya nama'y pagkaaliwas ng mukha makakita lamang ng sikat ng araw o kaya nama'y paglubog nito. Siya yung tipo ng tao na nakakaramdam ng kalayaan sa tuwing tumitingin sa mga ulap, sa mga bituin o kaya nama'y sa bughaw na dagat. Siya yung tipong nakaka-appreciate sa mga "wide open spaces" o kaya nama'y sa matataas na lugar kung saan maraming matatanaw.

10. Higit sa lahat, hahanap ako ng kabiyak na aking makakausap sa tuwing ako ay nalulumbay. Yung kahit magdamag kayong magkasama ay hindi kayo mauubusan ng pagkwekwentuhan. Hahanap ako ng kabiyak na marunong maka-appreciate sa halaga ng isang yakap at kapayapaan sa katahimikan. Sa loob ng pitong taon ay hindi ko man lang naging kakwentuhan ang aking mga naging kapartner.

Sa dami ng aking batayan ay tila imposible ang makahanap ng katapat. Kung tutuusin ay wala naman akong maaring ipagmamalaki upang bumalangkas ng mga kundisyon na siyang magpapatibok ng aking puso. Ang masaklap pa dito, madalas ay nauuwi rin tayo sa mga taong hindi naman natin talaga hinahangad.

Sadyang bihira lang yata talaga pagtagpuin ng tadhana ang mga taong naghahanap sa isa't isa.

Sa kabila nito ay handa akong mag-intay gaano man katagal matagpuan lamang ang aking hinahanap. Handa kong ipagkait sa aking sarili ang tawag ng laman, ang pag-ibig na maaring ibigay ng iba, at ang distraction na aking matatanggap sa mga tagahangang irereto ng mga kaibigan o kaya naman ay makikilala sa sayawan.

Ito ang aking magiging sakripisyo.

---

What I will never admit to my heart, no matter what truth presents is that the one who comes closest to the person I am searching; the one I would readily keep in my arms; the one I would do everything to take away his sadness and pain

is someone just a heartbeat away.

But we are bound to go separate ways. We are only meant to be friends.

Therefore, I have erected listening posts around my citadel in search of another. In my greatest fear however, I feel nobody else will come close. Absolute chemistry is simply hard to find.

The gates are now locked. The long sleep begins.

Disturbia

Ano kaya ang naging pakiramdam ni mama noong nakatunog siya na mayroong namamagitan sa aming dalawa ni Phanks?

Na-depress kaya siya kasi hindi ako straight?

Nalungkot kaya siya dahil iba ako sa maraming lalaki na kilala niya?

Na-disturb kaya siya kasi obvious naman na may nangyayari sa kwarto ko kapag nag-oovernight si ex?

How was she able to cope up with the truths? I have no idea.

But one thing is for sure, she tried to be as supportive as a mother could be in my relationship. Hindi man ako "out" sa pamilya pero lubusan niyang tinanggap ang aking buddy.

Sana sa susunod na darating ay ganun rin siya.

At sana ang susunod na darating ay hindi lang si Darkstar ang kasundo: Higit sana si Pulsar at si Mugen.

Napalaking pag-unawa ang inextend ng nanay ko sa aking naging relasyon noon...



[muni-muni]



Kung tama ang basa ko ngayon.

Kung obvious yung nabasa ko kanina.

Hindi man ako masaya sa aking nadiskubre subalit kailangan ko rin ibalik ang pabor, ang pagmamahal at pag-unawa na iginawad niya sa akin.

And for once, tanggapin ang maaring katotohanan

at intindihin ang magiging kasiyahan niya.

---

Faded pictures on the wall (It's like they talkin' to me)
Disconnectin' all your calls (The phone don't even ring)
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort (Ooh ooh)

- Rihanna, Disturbia

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I need to let this off my chest or I might suddenly explode:

"When workplace becomes a place of dread, it makes you wonder if its worth staying at all."

Pray that I won't rise up. You don't want them to see me striking back.

---

6:29 pm: The followers of tranquility have won. Open confrontation would do me no good. Instead, I will just sweat this off at the gym later.

A Lesson In Humility

It was past midnight.

Coming from a drinking spree in Timog, I asked my companions if they could drop me off along Quezon Avenue. I was low on funds and I decided to ride a jeep instead of taking a cab going home.

We reached the corner of Quezon and Panay Avenue a few minutes later. Sober and restless, I was debating with myself whether to go home or spend the rest of the night elsewhere. After all, I've already used my gimik pass tonight. Might as well extend my happy hours until the sun rises reluctantly behind the clouds a few hours from now.

A verdict has been made, and I was, swinging in favor towards going to Malate.

As I was about to cross the street, a lady in her mid-twenties approached me. She was dressed to party - stiletto shoes, mini skirt and a blouse that revealed her neckline. She was mumbling something but I didn't understand it at first, so I replied:

"Huh?"

My tone sounded like I'm uninterested. Nevertheless, the lady repeated her invitation.

"Gimik tayo." She said smiling.

Dumbfounded, I smiled back and ignored her offer. After all, who am I to entertain her suggestion when even call boys never dared to make such spiel in front of me. Obviously embarrassed, she immediately cut her invitation by saying "joke lang" as I crossed the street. The lady had become the latest casualty of my snootiness these days.

The incident would have never registered as one of the highlights of my day had it not been for a twitter update where I used the word "tangina" to describe my meeting. Looking back, I realize that it was uncalled for. No amount of excuse can justify the use of such expletive when in fact, she's just doing her job - as a sex worker.

It so happened that she might have sensed that I'm quite drunk, and horny, and she thought that a booty call was what I needed. Too bad, she asked the wrong person. Not only do my preference lean strongly towards men, I doubt if I'd take the offer even if it was a hunky, moreno guy who approached me.

A few minutes before I met the lady, I allowed my alter-egos to decide on how to conclude this evening. As usual, Darkstar was looking for action, Mugen was bored and restless, while Pulsar was tired and exhausted and wanted to go home. Darkstar and Mugen would have won the vote. However, the guilt for using an expletive to describe the lady struck so deep, I decided to go home instead.

I cannot cover-up for my emptiness by being arrogant to others.

The time was past 1 in the morning when I began writing this entry. Remembering the chick resembling Cynthia Patag who approached me along Quezon Avenue, had I saw her with eyes that exalts dignity while blurring the trappings of bigotry, our chance encounter would have been so ordinary,

it doesn't need to be written at all.

Rebound (First Part)

Like we always say at work, love knocks when we least expect it coming. However, it can never barge through locked doors. Love cannot dwell and take shelter inside broken hearts. It can never nurture feelings bound by fear and doubt and it can never grow when forced into someone who is not ready to embrace it. Love grows organically and its healing properties take effect only when the recipient believes in the magic it brings.

It's been five years since I last felt the pangs of singlehood creeping into my consciousness. The feeling leaves me vulnerable, and sometimes, forces me to seek refuge in any warm mantle that would give semblance to a romantic attachment. I see myself as an infant rhesus monkey snatched from its real mother from the forest. Whoever feeds me - even if such inanimate creature is made out of steel wires covered with thatched cloth - would still pass as my surrogate. Chances are, I would overlook its shortcomings by dwelling on my own idea of a nurturer until such time I have my fill and realize that I have to seek something more real. The result would be a total and complete abandonment and in the wake of my passing, someone gets hurt.

Another dream gets shattered.

Tannis would have been a promising prospect. He was old (and possibly mature) enough to control me, he had a stable job that appealed to my sound financial judgment and our range of intimacy and romantic goals complement one another. He could have been a perfect match, had I given him the chance to prove his worth.

It was Sunday two weeks ago when our communication resumed. I always thought that I'm into him more than he was into me. However, signs tell that he was interested as well. I just denied the fact after learning that too much expectations would just leave me back on the slump. The trauma of an earlier market crash was still fresh and to suffer from another one might trigger a response that would hurl me back into the dens of Club Bath.

I do not wish for Kitsune's reawakening.

Monday came and we decided to trade each others Friendster account. Finally, I would get to know more about my future prospect instead of speculating about him. His profile included pictures, blurbs and even a blog. However, out of respect for the person that I was conversing on Yahoo Messenger, I turned my attention to chatting instead of processing the information he shared. What I knew is that his presence thrilled me and my heart was getting ready to take another plunge.

Had it been the case, it would be the fastest recovery I ever made since I began entering relationships seven years ago.

Unfortunately, dreams are made long enough to last a sleep and when it's time to wake up, the rousing lets us see clearly the distinction between a fantasy and a reality. Tannis was just an idea and the more I got to know him, the more he made me realize that I'm not prepared to risk my heart again.

Tuesday morning, I began processing the information he shared the night before. His photos revealed a person somewhat obsessed with fashion and vanity. Immediately, the monument I had built began showing signs of stress. Cracks appeared at the base and the foundation began to wallow every time a strong wind bounced off the structure. A construction hazard I must suggest. Good thing, understanding is one of my stronger points. I simply overlooked his flaw knowing that he works in a retail company. Who in the right mind can blame him if he appeared too loud in photos when he breathes and eats fashion?

Not even my harsher demons can raise an argument about that.

The processing went on. This time, I explored his mind by reading his blog.

To say that I was profoundly moved would be an understatement. It is not my intention to judge a person through his writings. However, I asked myself how someone as deep as me could resonate with someone who appears lacking in depth. How can I give up myself to someone who appeared clingy and needy when I am the one who needs to be restored? His strangeness bothered me and the more I seek to know him,

the more I discover that he was never a future but a ghost of my past. He was Phanks reincarnated into another person. His smile was becoming more of Raizen, the guy who broke my heart the first time I spoke of love.

---

-tobecontinued-

Counting Blue Cars

And yet,
I am willing to run to the ends of the earth
just to be with that one soul;
that one stellar beacon
who somehow speaks and understands my secret language.

Even in its eccentric and temporal orbit,
his planetary gravitational pull holds my tin-can satellite

from drifting aimlessly towards the
coldness of empty space.

---

Hulo, Pasig River Crossing

Ayala Triangle

Krispy Kreme, Boni High Street

---

Must have been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks in the street
And ask many questions like children often do...

We said.

- Dishwalla, Counting Blue Cars

Seismic Aftershock

Torn (Secret Entry)
Originally posted: July 21, 2008

--

Tanghali

"Uy, bakit ka nagmiss-call?"

"Asan ka po?"

"Heto papasok napo sa trabaho. Bakit mo tinatanong?"

"Wala lang... Happy Monthsary po. I miss you so much."

"Miss. na.. rin.. kita..."

"Kinalimutan mo na ang monthsary natin."

"Iniintay lang kitang unang bumati. Alam kong monthsary natin ngayon."

"Tulog po ako sa inyo mamaya. Ok lang po ba?"

"Ah eh, gagabihin po ako sa work mamaya eh. Pasensya na."

"Miss na po kita makayakap eh. Ayaw mo na ako patuluyin sa inyo."

"Hindi naman... kakastay mo lang sa amin nung minsan ah."

"Tampo na ako sa iyo. Ayaw mo na ako papuntahin sa inyo."

"Ang kulit mo naman, sabi sayo gagabihin ako eh."

"O sige na nga. Kahit nagtatampo ako. Ingat po ikaw."

"Babay, I love you."

"I... love.. you. po."

--

Text message: Pasensya na, magkaaway kami ng kapatid ko ngayon eh. Ayaw kong may sabihin siya pag tumuloy ka sa amin.

--

Hapon

"Bakit ka po ulit nag-miss call?"

"Wala lang, nalulungkot lang ako. Miss na po kita makayakap eh."

"Ok lang yun. Nagkikita naman tayo diba?"

"Iba pa rin yung yakap eh. Alam na po ba ni [insert name of my sibling] ang tungkol sa atin?"

"Hindi ko alam. Wala rin akong pakielam. Ayaw ko lang may sabihin siya tungkol sa iyo."

"Ayaw na po ba nila ako pumunta sa iyo."

"Hindi naman. Wala naman sila sinasabi sa pagpunta mo dun eh."

"Sobrang miss na po kita. Antagal na kita hindi nakakatabi sa pagtulog."

"Ako rin..."

"Hayaan mo next time na lang. Wrong timing ka naman eh."

"Ganyan na po ba ngayon? Parang gusto ko maiyak, hindi na kita nakikita eh. Parang may nag-iba na sa atin."

"Wala naman ah. Saka wag mo masyado isipin yun. Ang mahalaga, magfocus ka sa pagtapos mo sa school."

"Sigurado ka ha. Wala."

"Wala... Balik na po ako sa work. May pasok ka mamaya diba?"

"Meron po."

"Galingan mo sa school. Ingat ka sa pag-uwi."

"Happy Monthsary po."

"Happy Monthsary rin."

"I love you."

"I love you."

"Mwah."

--

Behind the facade is a heart
torn between an icy truth and
a sunshiny dream.

The last time we slept together,
I was rudely awakened by the reality
that what only connects us is a crumpled
two hundred peso bill I took from my wallet.

And from there disillusionment set in.

When I reemerge from
this rot we call relationship,

All that would be left
is the pain of your memory.

---

A friend once shared a story of another friend who broke up with an ex-boyfriend of many years and still cannot move on after almost a year of separation.

Admirers make their presence felt and their full attention thrills my friend's friend. However, when the fanfare is over and reality creeps back, the past leaves him scampering towards the cold shell which serves as a monument dedicated to his broken love story. His past haunts him and as long as it lingers, anyone who wishes to win his heart would only be driven away.

Today marks our fifth year and sixth month had the relationship endured. It is most unfortunate that it had to end knowing that it had become more of a nightmare rather than a sweet reality.

Time heals old wounds as the cliche goes and on my third week of freedom, the past still haunts me like it never left at all. Tannis is a promising prospect. He is as serious as he was when we first met last Saturday.

For some reasons, the more he opens himself, the more I was reminded of my ex's memory. This memory which I am trying to forget corrupts like a vile disease that threatens to break whatever prospects I have with my recent interest.

Today I realized that it is unfair to pursue something when the heart is not ready.

Nevertheless, I will linger until he wants me to fade away.

I pray tell that Tannis would learn that what I can offer is just plain friendship.

Because as long as the nightmare stirs me up from sleep, the prospects of a happy ending will remain and lay hidden in the fairy tale of my dreams.

In Dodong's Refuge

10:20 PM

"Kapatid gising ka pa?" Text ko kay Dodong habang nakaupo sa isang bakanteng work cubicle. Matagal nang nakaalis ang mga katrabaho ko, subalit dahil hindi pa ako nakaka-recover sa shock mula sa mga pangyayari noong gabing iyon ay pinili ko munang magpaliban sa opisina.

"Gising pa pero patulog na rin ako in a while. Why?"

"I just want you to know that we broke up." Makalipas pa ang ilang minuto, tumawag si Dodong sa aking telepono.

Si Dodong ang isa sa mga kauna-unahang PLU na nakilala ko. Kakasimula ko pa lang sa ganitong buhay samantalang siya naman ay isa na sa mga founders ng samahang #Manhood na kilala sa pagscre-screen ng mga potential members galing MIRc. Paniwala kasi nila na kailangang magkaroon ng hiwalay at ekslusibong samahan ang mga discreet at closet sa pangambang maari silang ma-out kung tatanggap sila ng may sablay sa grupo. Palibhasa'y sa ibang paraan kami nagkakilala ni Dodong kaya't ang mapabilang sa kanyang mga kasama ay hindi na sumagi sa akin.

Kasikatan ng Wireless Journal noon. Ito ay isang exclusive service ng Pinoyexchange kung saan maari kang mag-update ng sarili mong thread gamit ang iyong cellphone. Halimbawa'y naglalakad ka sa Shangri-La nang makita mong sinampal ni Kris Aquino si Jobert Sucaldito. Isang text lang gamit ang iyong phone at maari mo nang ikalat sa PEx ang iyong nasaksihan.

Pareho kaming miyembro ni Dodong sa Wireless Journal. Straight man ang aming front sa mga tao roon subalit matapos naming mabasa ang update ng bawat isa, di naglaon ay nagkahulihan rin kami ng aming mga tinatago. Matapos ang isang biglaang eyeball na nauwi sa pagpapakilala ko pa sa aking mga bagong kaibigan ilang linggo ang lumipas, simula noon ay lagi nang nagkru-krus ang aming landas.

Marami na rin kaming pinagsamahan ng aking kaibigan. Naroon na naging maghouse-mate kami ng walong buwan. Nakapasok kami ng Mint (Malate) for the first time na halos manginig ang binti sa kaba. Nasaksihan ko ang kauna-unahan niyang high-profile na break-up, samantalang siya naman ang nakarinig sa akin na humagulgol sa cellphone nang makipag-split ang una kong buddy sa akin. Pitong taon na ang lumipas ngunit ang pagkakaibigan namin ay hindi kumukupas. Alang-alang sa napakatagal naming pinagsamahan, isa siya sa una kong pinagsabihan ng break-up.

"Kapatid, nandito na ako sa gate ng condo mo."

"Wait ka lang, baba ako."

Malamig ang gabing iyon at wala nang taong naglalakad sa kalsada. Palibhasa'y kabilang street lang ang condo ni Dodong mula opisina kaya't madali lang sa akin makipagkita sa aking kaibigan. Sa piling ng apat na bote ng San Mig Light na pinagsaluhan naming dalawa, inilahad ko sa kanya ang buong nangyari. Sabi niya, anticipated na niya ang break up ilang taon pa lang ang aming binibilang ni ex. Ang hindi lang niya ma-gets ay kung bakit ganun katagal ako nag-intay bago nakipaghiwalay.

---

Para akong nanalo sa jackpot noong gabing iyon. Sa aking harapan ay naroon si Dodong na kasa-kasama ko na bago ko pa man masubukan makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki. Sa phone naman ay tuloy ang buhos ng text message mula sa mga kaibigang nakabalita ng aking paglaya.

"Hehehe. And i feel 4 d first time a smile of great relief from u. M happy 4 u." Ang text sa akin ni Kuya Trey. Sa totoo ay masayang masaya ako nang gabing iyon. Sa sobrang saya ko nga ay pati boss ko na walang alam sa aking sexual preference ay binalitaan ko ng break-up na may bahid ng ngiti sa aking mukha.

Sa kabila ng aking kagalakan, alam kong may isang tao na naghihinagpis sa mga nangyari. Hindi makakaila na putulin ko man ang aking koneksyon sa taong ito ay naroon pa rin ang pag-aalala sa kanyang kalagayan. Ang munting pagdiriwang sa bahay ni Dodong ay pampalubag-loob lamang sa aking mga haharapin sa susunod na mga araw. Hindi ko man sabihin sa aking mga kaibigan nang mga oras na iyon, ngunit ang assurance nila ay sapat na upang maitawid ang magdamag na buo at walang pagdududa sa aking ginawa.

Kay tagal kong inasam maging single at ngayong ito'y nagawa ko na, ang aking desisyon ay wala nang atrasan pa.

---

Mabilis ang mga pangyayari nang sumunod na araw. Upang makasiguro na walang makakahabol sa akin, pinapalitan ko ang aking cellphone number magbayad man ako ng malaki para dito. Kasabay nito ang pag-delete sa kanyang connection sa aking friendster at pati na rin ang pagpapalit ng aking profile picture at pangalan upang hindi niya ako mahanap sa website na iyon.

Sa tulong ni Mami Athena ay na-block ko ang kanyang email address sa aking Yahoo Account. Hangad man niya mag send sa akin ng e-mail upang pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay ay tiyak na mapupunta lamang ang kanyang mensahe sa spam folder. Desperate times need desperate measures sabi nga nila.

Marahil ay kung umuupa ako ng bahay ay naisipan ko rin lumipat ng matitirhan huwag lamang niya akong makita. Mabuti na lamang at hindi pa niya natutunton ang aking pinagtra-trabahuhan kaya't ito'y lagi kong magiging taguan sa tuwing hahanapin niya ako sa bahay. Sa ikalawang linggo ng aking kalayaan ay tinamaan naman ako ng isang matinding karamdaman. Marami ang nagsasabi na si Throatie ay bunga ng stress at paranoia na akin nang nararamdaman bago ko pa man maisipan humiwalay sa kanya at magsolo ng landas.

Malayo pa ang umaga sabi nga ni Rey Valera, at sa kaso naming dalawa, ang banta ng kanyang pagbabalik ay higit na napapatotohanan ngayong nasasanay na ako sa buhay mag-isa.

"Tumawag nga pala si Phanks kanina." Pahabol ng aming kasambahay nang mag-check ako sa bahay kanina.

"Ano sabi?" Mabilis kong tugon sa kanya.

"Kung pwede daw makitulog dito sa bahay sa Sabado, nag-iwan nga ng number sa akin eh."

"Pag tumawag ulit, sabihin mo wala ako sa bahay sa Sabado."

Lubhang masakit ang siya'y bitawan. Ngunit ang alaala na kanyang dala na tila isang bangungot na pilit ko mang kalimutan.

Ay maaring maging dahilan upang matagalan pa bago ko makita ang hinaharap na pagkatagal-tagal ko nang pinapangarap.

---

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

- Kim Sozzi, Letting Go

Ten Minutes Before Sunrise

Bumangon ako
mula sa mahimbing na
pagtulog upang
matiyak na anuman ang
mangyari, ayos ka lang
at naroon pa rin sa iyong
trabaho.

I thought it was the boner.
All along it was you.

---

I hate it when a massive boner wakes you up from sleep... Especially when you're dreaming something kinky. Ugh

Twitter Message, 5:05 am, Mobile Text