The Lapdog

In the early days, when not a single colored TV could be seen in our living room; when we used to stand over a stool, cling our small hands on to the neighbor's grilled window and gawk, like a starved puppy for god knows how long while the kids in front of the boob tube play Nintendo Family Computer and then suddenly shut the wooden jalousies tight when a multitude of kids gather to watch as Super Mario stomps monsters to save an abducted princess, and start a ruckus over a tiny space to have a good view of the game being played, we learn some bitter truths about power structures surrounding a juvenile act of game watching.

The crowd dissipates and everything returns to normal. The windows shut tight earlier are opened and a few minutes later, kids from the surrounding houses would once again gather around the tiny opening to take a peek as tanks hit each other with pea-sized bullet in the game called Battle City. This time however, the power structures have changed. Aside from the kids playing the video game, there were those invited inside the house to act as intermediary between those watching outside and those who held the game pad. The most loyal of these intermediaries, in a strike of luck maybe allowed to play a game or two depending on the whims of the Nintendo owners, while some of those gaping outside maybe invited in, depending on his ability to sway over an intermediary to his side.

As the game continues, the intermediaries would change according to those called home and the new ones invited in. When the kids' parents show up in the living room, finding a multitude of grimy street urchins seated on the floor, (and sometimes hugging an alpombra around their skinny arms) the hierarchy would immediately be broken, the wooden jalousies shut tight again, and the kids holding the game pads will be forced to switch off the computer as the parents settle down to watch the evening news.

Those of us left outside would gather in our little clusters and talk about the game we have seen until the kids who own the game console show up and interrupt our conversation. Of course, they would receive a heroes' welcome in our narrow alley, hoping that those who made the best impression would be invited over when the kids decide to play the game next time.

It sucks to be drawn into the order, but as a kid who never had the material wealth of those of our neighbors had, to swallow the truth was far better than pretending having the power.

No wonder, the recent controversy surrounding Chip Tsao and his recent article about us being a nation of servants didn't bother me at all.

Because we are a proud nation of servants.

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The Russians sank a Hong Kong freighter last month, killing the seven Chinese seamen onboard. We can live with that-—Lenin and Stalin were once the ideological mentors of all Chinese people. The Japanese planted a flag on Diàoyú Island. That's no big problem-—we Hong Kong Chinese love Japanese cartoons, Hello Kitty, and shopping in Shinjuku, let alone our round-the-clock obsession with karaoke.

But hold on-—even the Filipinos? Manila has just claimed sovereignty over the scattered rocks in the South China Sea called the Spratly Islands, complete with a blatant threat from its congress to send gunboats to the South China Sea to defend the islands from China if necessary. This is beyond reproach. The reason: There are more than 130,000 Filipina maids working as US$3,580-a-month cheap labor in Hong Kong. As a nation of servants, you don't flex your muscles at your master, from whom you earn most of your bread and butter.

As a patriotic Chinese man, the news has made my blood boil. I summoned Louisa, my domestic assistant who holds a degree in international politics from the University of Manila, hung a map on the wall, and gave her a harsh lecture. I sternly warned her that if she wants her wages increased next year, she had better tell everyone of her compatriots in Statue Square on Sunday that the entirety of the Spratly Islands belongs to China.

Grimly, I told her that if war breaks out between the Philippines and China, I would have to end her employment and send her straight home, because I would not risk the crime of treason for sponsoring an enemy of the state by paying her to wash my toilet and clean my windows 16 hours a day. With that money, she would pay taxes to her Government, and they would fund a navy to invade our motherland and deeply hurt my feelings.

Oh yes. The Government of the Philippines would certainly be wrong if they think we Chinese are prepared to swallow their insult and sit back and lose a Falkland Islands War in the Far East. They may have Barack Obama and the hawkish American military behind them, but we have a hostage in each of our homes in the Mid-Levels or higher. Some of my friends told me they have already declared a state of emergency at home. Their maids have been made to shout 'China, Madam/Sir' loudly whenever they hear the word "Spratly". They say the indoctrination is working as wonderfully as when we used to shout, "Long live Chairman Mao!" at the sight of a portrait of our Great Leader during the Cultural Revolution. I’m not sure if that's going a bit too far, at least for the time being.

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Let's look back at history and recall how things were in Hong Kong before Beijing took over more than a decade ago:

Hong Kong was, for a long time a crown territory of the British. It knew no struggles, save for a brief Japanese Occupation during World War 2. It was safely harnessed under the cloak of the British Empire while its neighbor China endured humiliations from the Japanese. No History geek would ever forget the Rape of Nanking and the Invasion of Manchuria. After Mao held sway over the Mainland 50 years ago, an uneasy peace existed between Soviet Union and China. Both were Socialists countries, and rivaled for spheres of influences around the world

There were several occasions when their bitter rivalry drew both nations to the brink of war.

Spratlys Islands are a group of outcropped rocks surrounded by the vast South China Sea. No sane Philippine Government would dare claim the entire territory for the country lest we are ready to face the ire of the entire region. For one, we never have Frigates to begin with, much more, we dont' have Fighter Jets to protect our skies. And our army - deployed down south, combing the jungles of Sulu for Red Cross Volunteers abducted (and threatened to be beheaded) by grimy Abu Sayaff bandits.

Most Chinese living in Hong Kong feel little about their homeland. The same is true with the Chinese living in Macao and Taiwan. It's a shame to learn that for someone as old as Chip Tsao, he knows little about the things he wrote, and for those of us, whose egos were scarred because of a lame piece of work - which his overlords in Beijing would never bother to read - especially coming from a territory they eye with suspicion for its Democratic leanings, I find the analogy of my childhood forthcoming.

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I imagine Chip Tsao being a lapdog; a famished, ugly Shih Tzu barking over some breadcrumbs scattered on the floor as its master, unmindful of the barks continues to cast its gaze over the horizon - over Paris Hilton - whose Chihuahua responds with the same loud barking sounds after hearing a fellow lapdog in the distance.

But For What My Dear Manny, Another Glory?

The caption reads:

Spread the Faith
Voice Out a Prayer for Manny here.

I say:

Spare the Almighty from the national pastime. There is no glory when money passes hands from the crooked to the corrupt because of the man wearing boxing gloves above. There is no real victory in a match whose very thought was engineered with wads of cash in mind. There is no pride when half of the spectators around the ring are oblivious to the fact that the champ whose arms were outstretched above hails from a nation of dazed people with a missing soul that it continues to seek...

... always in wrong places.

How can there be glory when the "Pambansang Kamao" lets his fame be exploited by capitalists dogs, too eager to harvest his name for profit gain? How can there be unity when a selected few can watch the game in the comforts of their home, or theater through pay-per-view live satellite feeds from Vegas while the rest fight for space inside cramped indoor basketball courts, or spend hours waiting for the results in a super-delayed telecast courtesy of local, heavily advertised telecast? How can there be thrill when the Pambansang Kamao trade jabs with his Latino opponent while halfway across the planet, a drunken porky man trade uppercuts with his bone-skinned wife over a scrap of meat for lunch while the same pound by pound match glazes the TV screen?

Spread the faith, the ad said. But where is faith in a government that spins the truth from its people? Where is faith in a society that performs cheap circus tricks - like rolling on the floor on a noontime show for a dole out of 5 thousand pesos from the host - in full horror of the nation? Where is faith, when those who claim to have one are the most morally dredged of society - like the naked man kneeling above. I find no hero in someone associated with the worst devils of the country. I will never forget how he ran for office believing that his fame will easily lead him there.

As for my faith with this brand:

I'd find salvation in something else, any other brand than this.

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Photo serves as banner ad from pinoyexchange.com

Bangsamoro

"A new state with a 'defined territory' and 'a system of governance suitable and acceptable to [the Bangsamoro] as a distinct dominant people' will be established in Mindanao under the proposed Memorandum of Agreement (MOA) on Ancestral Domain between the Philippine Government and the separatists Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF)."

- Bangsamoro state eyed, Philippine Daily Inquirer

--

Long before the Sahal scarf became a fashion accessory among Manila's young professionals and long before pirated "dibidi's" became synonymous with Maranaos and Tausugs of Quiapo, my interest in Moro affairs dates back to my Freshman year in college.

I remember writing a baby thesis for my English 101 class. It was about the Muslim separatist movement in Mindanao and why the conflict continue despite the ongoing peace process between the government and the Moro National Liberation Front. (MNLF) I conducted interviews, read books about the Muslim struggle in the south and immersed myself in Muslim culture, which is freely available in Quiapo. After one and a half months of being in the company of Moros, I understood why they never felt they belong.

But that story deserves another entry.

For many of us here in Luzon, the issue of a separate Muslim state in Mindanao is as alien as the state of affairs of Malaysia and Pakistan. Most of us don't even know what the provincial capital of Tawi-Tawi is. The last time we heard of our Muslim brothers was when Ces Drilon was abducted in Sulu. Other than that, the Moros only get our national attention when a bomb explodes in the city or when the Media Optical Board raids their cache of "Pirated" products.

It is a fact that we only know little about the Tausugs and Maranaos, and how they fought for independence when the rest of the country was a colony of Spain and a Commonwealth of the United States of America. Little do we know that Manila was once a thriving emirate and that the Kingdom of Sulu had it's own flag. Sadly, only few of us know that we once attempted to invade Sabah using Tausug mercenaries from Tawi-Tawi. When these mercenaries mutinied and were subsequently killed by the Marines before they can leak the plans to the outside world, the incident known as the Jabida Massacre sparked an armed struggle which tore the island of Mindanao in half.

To write the bloody history of Mindanao during Martial Law would take another two entries to complete. It was a war of attrition where Christians and Muslims, who were once brotherly neighbors killed each other upon the prodding of the government. It was a protracted war where entire families in the Visayas would be forcibly settled in Mindanao to deny the Muslims of land that were theirs even before the Philippines became a country.

As a price for our past mistakes, here we are offering them a package short of independence.

If one would notice, the government is trying to arrange a peace agreement with the MILF. One would be tempted to ask, what about the MNLF? What role do they play in this power-play arrangement? Did they already surrender their struggle that their founders began three decades ago? How exactly would the system work under the current Philippine constitution?

I am no lawyer or a political scientist, and despite my feeble attempts to write about the Moro struggle, I know only little about their problem. What I do know is that they are more fragmented than the Bicolanos and the Kapampangans and the Ilocanos. It was clearly stated by the resource person I interviewed for my baby thesis before. They also seem to answer only to their local shaiks or datus in all matters of governance, it was splashed over the news during the last elections.

Ask GMA why she won over 1 million votes in Lanao and Maguindanao when there are more voters in CAMANAVA* than in the whole of those provinces?

Much as I would like to agree to give back the Moros their stolen homeland so they can preserve their distinct culture for the benefit of everyone, to give them near-absolute power to rule themselves might become a spark that would engulf the whole nation in flames. If one distinct people has been granted statehood, others would surely follow suit.

As far as I know, the proud Cebuanos fondly call Manila the "Imperial Capital" for reasons only they can tell. When they seek statehood, (they once threatened to bolt out of the country if GMA gets kicked out of the office) what would stop them from demanding independence? Same is true with Ilocandia, Bicolandia, the Ifugaos and yes, even the Kapampangans would love to have their own little republic too!

I would have ignored the Inquirer's banner story today had poor GMA didn't wiggle her pinky little finger to flirt with fire. If there is any plausible reason I can see as to why the government is tempted to give in to the "suggestions" of the MILF:

"But Inquirer sources privy to the peace process said the proposed agreement with the MILF would require amending the constitution."

Yes, you get it right!

Say hello to the Federal Republic of the Philippines, headed by none other but

the Prime Minister

Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

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*Caloocan, Malabon, Navotas, Valenzuela

Tawagan Mo Ako

Bakit ganun ang ibang tao, kapag nakakaramdam sila ng insecurities, panghihinayang o kaya naman ay stress sa buhay, nagpapatawag sila sa iba na akala mo, right nila magkaroon ng kausap?

Hindi pa natatapos ang hapon ngayong araw, dalawang tao na ang nagpatawag sa akin habang ako ay nasa gitna ng pagtratrabaho. Nakaka-badtrip, lalo na't nais kong lumubog sa kumunoy ngayo't maging withdrawn sa lahat ng bagay. Akala mo ay pag-aari nila ako na laging handang sumaklolo kapag sila ay nalulubog - samantalang ako na mag-isa'y pilit nagstru-struggle upang magkaroon ng solid front sa emptiness, weariness at pananakit ng kalamnan na nararamdaman ko.

Sa totoo nakaka-ubos lakas ang ginagawa nila.

Marami akong gustong i-rant subalit pinili kong ipaloob na lang sa sarili ang lahat ng mga ito sa takot na makasakit ng mga taong mahalaga sa akin. "Calmness is the path towards peace" sabi nga ni Buddha, pero sa mga ganitong sitwasyon, gusto ko - just once - na pakawalan lahat ng inipon kong rage sa loob ko. Gusto ko sumigaw, magmura, manapak, mang-harass, mang-dominate, manakit, mangmanyak, maglasing, mawala at magwala.

Pero para saan?

I wish they would leave me alone.

And I'm sorry for flaring up.

If you do not have anyone to lean on and you hesitate on reaching out to someone who can salvage your sanity, the blog will always in the end,

The only saving grace you've got.

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I feel so used...

And for that, I am seriously thinking of keeping Mugen the Teddy Bear as my new toy-companion.

So that something that is even inanimate,

can cheer me in moments like this.

Mafiosi (Last Part)

To declare a party a blast or not would mean staying until 2 in the morning inside the club. It is to see whether the dance floor would be filled with people - dancing to their heart's content or whether they would remain a bystander, waiting for a brave soul to show his groves while those around him merely nod to the music or to the dancer as a gesture of approval to his amazing initiative.

As mentioned in my previous entry, my jaw literally dropped the moment I step foot on the dance area. It was not because the space was filled with people. On the contrary, Club Mafia was nilalangaw on a windy Saturday night.

And it was past 1 am. In the previous club parties that I attended, the parties were already approaching their climaxes at this time of the night.

To give the club much consideration, maybe the reason for such lack of patrons is because the club had recently opened. Yet, on the contrary again, it should be packed with people since the place had just made its debut. It was natural for curious party goers to check the place out unless, the Mafiosi organizers did not do well with the events and promotions.

In fairness, there were many beautiful people last night. In fact, they were so good-looking and rich-looking that I felt out of place inside the club. Like BED and Government, they played House Music. The acoustics around the dance floor was superb, that it could easily beat BED's own acoustics by several notches higher. They also played House tracks that I haven't heard anywhere before. It implied that their DJs were quite aware of the current Electronica music being played in party places across the planet. However, other than these advantages, I do not see anything interesting that could be said about Club Mafia.

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The dance floor is located adjacent to the sole door to the club. Around a hundred people could easily fit in, with a comfortable extra space to move or sway restless arms and limbs around, especially when the electronic track being played is Progressive House Music. When one looks up, several disco balls in different sizes hung in the ceiling. Green and Red ion laser lights flood the entire dance floor, leaving the revelers with "Christmas-inspired" spots on their bodies. Sometimes these lasers create a "liquid sky" effect to give a different kind of clubbing experience, which BED and Government could easily imitate with their own club lighting.

The bar area, with its dark pink inspired theme reminds me of O-Bar. Since I assumed that the price of their beverages are a bit expensive, I didn't bother to check the place out. Bathrooms are located on the second floor. It was roomy and the toilets were quite clean to use. The second floor mezzanine also has its own bar area and several sofa chairs for patrons who prefer to lounge instead of dancing on the floor. It could be a fine addition to the club experience, except that most bars I've been to has their own lounge areas as well.

Last night, there were several performers who graced the stage with their own version of Diva songs. Most were borrowed from the movie Dream Girls, which, I honestly feel very gasgas even for an average gay guy like me. What's so funny is that every performer had feminine names like Mafia Bodies or Mafia Girls etc. and what's so strange about the whole gimmick is that ladies were more prominent inside the club than PLUs, who the club was supposed to serve.

I left before 3 in the morning feeling cheated with how the party took place. I haven't even witnessed its climax, where I expected everyone to head to the dance floor to prance and jive until they feel exhausted from dancing. Some did, but I never felt the energy from everyone.

Club Mafia Manila packs a lot of promises, which unfortunately, the owners and events organizers of the club hasn't realized yet. In my two-hour stay in that place, feelings of undeniable confusion emanated from me simply because I am not sure whether I entered a straight dance club, a gay dance club for the socialites and social-climbers or a dance club simply for those who wants to be discovered in the modeling industry. If it wants to be a better version of Club Fluid ( another bar in Orosa which a friend claim to be exclusive for a certain group of socialites), then Club Mafia has wasted some good space which can be occupied by more promising establishments for the gay community. If it wants to directly compete with BED, I say it now that within a few months, Club Mafia would wrap up without realizing its ambitious and lofty goals.

What I really think is that Club Mafia should find its niche as soon as possible. With a non-existent marketing and events campaign and a very competitive clubbing scene that can easily gobble it with sheer brutality, it has no chance of taking a slice of the gay market - unless they are planning to market themselves to the straight crowd, which I find totally absurd knowing that they set-up their party place at the heart of Gay Malate.

As long as I don't stumble upon other bloggers who would rave about the place, I would probably not return to Club Mafia. It has no character to speak of, no events to look forward to, and no action to serve as my beacon every time the place would cross my head. Basically, what I did the whole time was to look around, nod at the music being played and shake my head in disappointment upon realizing that nobody is dancing on the floor.

Last night, when I was inside the cab on my way home, I realized that for P300 pesos, I could have treated someone, perhaps maybe Deathnote to join me inside Che'lu. I was supposed to have a great time last night. But sad to say, everything I ever thought of doing had simply gone to waste.

And what's worse is that it would take me another five days before I can freely spend my night out again.

Magdalo Tea Party (Book Two)

From Inq7.net

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MANILA, Philippines -- Detained Senator Antonio Trillanes IV and other officers accused of leading the July 2003 rebellion walked out of their trial Thursday and marched through the streets of Makati calling for the ouster of President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

As of posting time, Trillanes and his comrades are at the Manila Peninsula where they are scheduled to hold a press conference.

The walkout began shortly after the trial resumed after a brief recess. Brigadier General Danilo Lim, who himself is detained and facing coup d’etat charges following an alleged failed coup attempt in February 2006, was pulled away by several soldiers from the witness stand.

Trillanes and Lim said they were calling on the Filipinos to withdraw support from the government because the President has corrupted its institutions.

“We are joining the people… because the President continues to violate the Constitution of the Philippines repeatedly,” Lim told DZMM’s Teleradyo program, adding they were “calling for the removal of an illegitimate President.”

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Who gives a bullshit. Not me. Not the people who works for a living like me.

Bad Boy

While hanging out in G4M this evening:

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10 Nov 2007, 19:09
juicytyt_ass: fuck mo ako..asan k?

10 Nov 2007, 19:17
You: nasa earth pare.

10 Nov 2007, 19:24
juicytyt_ass: ayos din sagot mo ano...intayin mo ang hagupit ng kidlat n tatama sau kung nasan k man sa earth..gud look...expect the cursed u been waiting for!

10 Nov 2007, 19:27
You: Magbasa ka ng profile. Kala mo lahat ng tao dito eh palakantot eh.

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It really pisses me off when some guy would send me a private message only to leave such blunt and sleazy invitation like what is written above. I understand that G4M is a cruise site. There is no doubt about that. But to go down to such level as what he did in order to get my attention, simply turned me off.

I don't go for guys who doesn't have any respect or pride for themselves.

What's really sad is that he ain't good-looking either to make such overconfident invitations. Confident guys would prefer to do it discreetly and indirectly. To give you an idea about what he looked like; he is chubby and pale-looking. Don't get me wrong though, sexual standards is different from friendship. I have friends who are chubby, and even effeminate - and they don't have any complains on how I treat them and our friendship. My point is, desperate guys who swallow whatever pride that remains in them just to get a guy in bed severely disappoints me.

Pathetic isn't it?

My reply was very sarcastic. It was even harsh to some extent because I could have said it in a nicer way, or even ignored his message compeletely. But without bitchy guys like me, no one would rudely awaken them to the reality that guys sought their equal. He should learn from the hipons in G4M, who never dared to show their head pics. If they know that they are no match for masculine and slim-toned guys, then there is a proper and sensible way to reach out and establish friendly contacts with these guys.

He should learn that not all members of G4m are promiscuous enough to fuck anyone who sends them sexual favors. Guys like him should learn to read profiles.

Karma might get back at me for sure. But at least, I gave someone a valuable lesson in handling their PLU to PLU affairs. For if he continues to send improper and sleazy invitations like what I received to guys in the website;

He would continue to attract sarcastic, or even harsh replies from guys who does not find him their kind of trip.

Self Serving

Hi guys and girls of Journ 2002,

I want to suggest a project for our batch and to check whether you would want to participate.

I've discussed this with both [insert name of journsoc president here] and [insert name of journsoc secretary here] but more in detail with [insert name of journsoc president here] and they both like the idea.

What I'm suggesting is for us to organize a sort workshop/career day for future writers for AB students, most especially Journ students. We may also invite Lit students and 1st yr and 2nd year students para mas maraming attendees. My suggestion is to organize an event wherein we could talk to them about our career, about our work and achievements. It's to give them an idea or a glimpse of where they can be in a few years after graduation. So they will have an idea of what to expect and they would both the hardships and the rewards of a career as a journalist/writers. We can give them tips on how to get so and so job, what to do and what not to do.

So maybe we can begin with a few speakers from our batch and then proceed to a writing workshop. Plus dapat may exhibit tau of our works sa main lobby. Articles sa blackboard, ganun. Gandahan na lan un presentation.

I came up with this idea as one way to promote my book. Yeah, yeah, may book pa rin. hehe. Grabe sobrang nadelay diba.. But as of 2 nights ago, my publisher said that the printer advised the books would be off the press by October. Sana talaga matuloy na. If everything goes to plan, books will most prob be available by November, buy kayo ha! The Only Thing Between Us by [insert name of writer]. Ayan nabentahan pa tuloy kau! hee hee

Anyway, my original plan was I'd go solo but I figured I'm not the only person in our batch who has something to be proud of, in terms of writing career. I'm not the only one who has some things to impart. For sure mas marami pa nga kayo saken, lalo na sa experience. So I'm suggesting let's all do it. It'd be like a reunion. Sa exhibit, pede rin natin isama yun work ni Ace, to remember him, if you like this idea.

Sa event, we won't claim naman na we're so accomplished na. It's more of to really give them an idea kung ano-anong possibilities ang open sa kanila. May napunta sa news, sa sports, sa TV, may nag creative writing, etc.

Plus it'd be a perfect opportunity for all of us to promote din yun mga kanya kanya nating raket, whether it'd be your column, for me it's my book or mga businesses na meron kayo. For sure dun sa mga journ students, if talagang nagbabasa sila, I'm sure they've read some of you already and they'd be glad to meet you and to hear what you peeps have to tell them.

I'm including below yung email exchange namin ni [insert name of journsoc president here]. Basahin nyo na rin because [insert name of journsoc president here] mentioned a lot of really really good points. Read it from bottom - up.

Hope we all could throw in ideas about this and let me know who is willing to participate. If we're going to do this, gawin natin either December or January, kc I'm here in HK pa. Dating ako Dec 13 to Jan 6, pero pede pa ko paextend ifever masched ng after Jan 6, pero di ko na mababago yun Dec 13 na arrival date ko.

Tell me rin if u think it's a worthwhile cause or baka waste of time lang for us. I'd welcome all comments and suggestions.

Thanks peeps,

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The nerve of you to suggest such idea when you never attended any of our activities.

I swear I would be your critic once your book comes out... I will exhaust all that I've learned in Literary Criticism just to point out the weakness of your novel or whatsoever.

And yeah, in memory of my friend and our classmate Ace, who quietly shared his knowledge and experience to those who wish to learn from him,

The one who went solo and then suddenly left us all when he's already at the pinnacle of his career and family life.

I will make sure that the entire PGC will never lend its support.

Jomanian Psyche

Joms prefers the comfort of isolation and distance. He abhors reaching out for no reason at all. He commits only at the last minute and most of all, he is a slave to his mindset. He always set ahead his plans for the day. The best thing to make him terribly upset is to mess-up his synchronized itinerary by canceling a lakad altogether leaving him without any back-up plan, or make him wait or delaying the lakad, knowing that he has other itineraries for the day.

The Beauty And The Beast

Note: Pardon me for my multiple long posts this weekend. I cannot help but do my part in doing my civic duty by lending a space on my blog to spread an issue, which is making headlines in the newspapers lately.

As you can see, a column writer named Malu Fernandez wrote a lousy and shallow travel piece for People Asia Magazine and Philippine Standard Today last June. She wrote of her travels in Boracay and her nightmarish encounters with Filipino Overseas Workers while en-route to Greece. Of course, this write-up courted controversy, for it directly hit the sensibilities of everyone who read her. What made the scandal bigger is that apparently, she is the aunt of Senator Migs Zubiri, the senator who won the elections because of the questionable votes from Maguindanao.

Many bloggers have already shared their thoughts about this issue. I would have left it in that state, especially since the bitch socialite had already conceded and submitted her resignation yesterday. The barrage of hate mails and death threats she received after writing such insensitive piece were too much for her. However, when I opened my e-mail this morning, I received an open letter from a friend who sought everyone's help to spread the senders letter to Ms. Fernandez. What struck me is not the open letter she wrote, but the sender herself.

Contrary to what Malu is trying to portray as a nouveau riche, trying so-hard socialite, the sender turned out to be an absolute supermodel-goddess.

Special Thanks to bryanboy.com for the original article link:

From Boracay To Greece Part One
From Boracay To Greece Part Two

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Dear. Malu Fernandez

FIRST OF ALL, How nouveau riche can one get? Did you marry rich? Did you suddenly come in to money? Your blatant displays of your 'luxuries' and 'wealth' and your comfort with using the word 'elitist' to describe yourself alongside the fact that you had to reference to 'politicians in your family' show that even if you did come from money, you certainly have no class.

You also seem to need to name-drop in every article that you write.

It really gets to me that you should complain about the coach seats on your Emirates flight. Honey, they aint small... YOU'RE FAT. Spare yourself some doughnuts and maybe your travels will be more comfortable... coach, or not.

MOST IMPORTANTLY. That you would put down OFW's (Overseas Filipino Workers) is really DISGUSTING. It makes you sound more vile than what you described as the scent of their 'AXE and Charlie cologne' while your 'Jo Malone melted into thin air'. Honey, without that perfume, you want to know what you smell like? Like a fat Filipino woman. The smell is probably more putrid than the smell of those OFW's. Cause they sweat honest, hard-working sweat. The kind of sweat that keeps the Filipino economy going. They're fucking brave. They've seen more than you, felt more than you, and fought more than you. You're just a coddled fat Filipino woman, under all of that cologne, and that branded clothing that makes you feel more important than them.

It sounds to me like you get to fly Business Class when you travel for work, but when you had to pay for your own travels, coach was more affordable. You tried to hide this by grandiose references to you perfume and your designer wear, didn't you? Tsk tsk...

You made some mention of having 17kg's of make-up in your hand-carry. All the make-up and adornments in the world can't hide how ugly you are inside. You aint that good-looking either, hon. Go to the gym, eat some fruits. You wrote that you wanted to slit your wrists because you were stuck in coach with all the OFW's. I am MOVED every time I am on a flight with OFW's. I am reminded of their resilience. Of how hard they work, and how they keep the Philippines going. The economy relies on their bravery. You should have slit your wrists, hon. And you are going to hell if you don't change the way you think. Think of sitting in coach, imagining your personal hell as a personal foreshadowing.

I have lived in the Philippines, and I have also traveled the world. I've probably been to as many if not more places than you, seen more things than you, so maybe despite all of this money you seem to need to brandish and the places you have been to, you're just an ignorant. This coming from a 20 year old girl.

You're act isn't classy. You're not pretentious. You're just some stupid woman, living in a third world country, thinking that because you jetted off to Greece and you wear Jo Malone perfume, you are suddenly something.

Take this from someone with the same 'socio-economic background' as you, bitch. What a pitiful excuse.

I also happen to read things 'thicker than magazines', I go to University in London where I will finish with an Honors Bachelors Degree in May. I have a 1 year Marketing Economics degree from a business school in Oslo, and I graduated with an International Baccalaureate Diploma at age 17, if you were wondering. So no fucking excuses.

You could do so much more than you think, yet you choose to act like a proper twat. The kind of twat that people with some brains laugh at, the world over. Think of this as some more exposure.

I am ashamed of people like you.

OFW'S all over the world, working their tits off, deserve a public apology.

Ingrid Holm

---

This is what Ingrid Holm actually looks like:

XP

nu ka ba! a diva sparkles, gagah! a diva glows! a diva is a diva, ke sad o hindi!

a diva is never a depressed butiki na naipit sa bisagra!
pasalamat ka ala ka hair ngaun kundi sabunutan pa kita. enuf with that kasentihan...
go out and party!

- Mami Athena, a comment on Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack

---

"Bud, I have two glasses of cocktail here," says XP, who went to the bar to get us something to drink. "They're both Vodka Sprite. This is for you, and the one in my hand is for you too, since I'm not drinking tonight."

"Cool, so now I'm not just a gate crasher but a freeloader too!" I told him as the neon green spotlight darts my body at the middle of BED's dance floor.

Last night, my plan was go to Government after they sent me a last-minute invitation through text for their monthly event for "kids." Since this is a free-entrance event, I wouldn't have any problems partying within my set budget. However, something came up last night that lead to a change of plans. XP, my best friend told me that he could not sleep so he would just attend a friend's party at BED instead.

---

I arrived considerably earlier than him. At the Orosa Courtyard, a handful of gay foreigners were dating their local boyfriends, outdoor style. Looking around, I saw a tall caucasian sitting on his little brown date's lap on one table, while posted in the wall high above BED's exterior were these huge pictures of the men who'd be competing for the Mr Gay Philippines Pageant this month.

These images made me cringe a little bit about the lifestyle I'm living. First, I think big old Caucasian foreigners dating exotic Filipino men are a little off-tune. It's like seeing a Redneck American walking at Robinson's Malate with his yaya-looking wife. You sometimes really wonder if such dates are serious, or it's just an excuse for the Pinoys to enjoy some perks, they would never taste on their own.

Second, I saw this news clip of Mr. Gay Philippines' candidates on TV Patrol last week. The candidates claim they represent gay masculinity. However, just one glance and you can smell from a far distance (pardon the word) how effeminate most of these guys are. Plus, their faces are everywhere. Di naman sila gwapo ah! I can vouch that I've seen better-looking PLUs. And mind you, these hunkies would rather be killed first before they join such kind of pageant.

---

XP arrived thirty minutes after I came. He's sporting a brown tight shirt and faded jeans exposing his fit body. It's not really the official Malate outfit - for every screaming gays that I saw were sporting this extra hair at their back. But last night, almost all the cute guys I've seen in BED were wearing XP's get-up. Is there a connection? I don't think so. But the sight of them at the bar was truly refreshing. Seeing these fair-looking buff guys allowed me to forget the personal shits I'm into lately.

BED was at its full capacity since the second floor is closed, Many friends and acquaintances of the celebrants came to celebrate their respective parties. Mcvie the blogger celebrated his birthday there. Being a close friend of XP, he was invited to Mcvie's party. Since I'm acquainted naman with the celebrant, I kinda joined him in his bash, even if I look like a lost gatecrasher.

"Alam mo bud, I think I'm gonna detach myself from groups muna?"

"Why naman?" he asked.

"Kasi I look at it this way. I'm a natural loner. Big groups turn me to a wallflower. Small, one-on-one meet-ups like this one makes me talk and bond with the person I'm seeing. So I guess this is better."

"Yeah, I agree with you. Mas ok nga yung ganito. No hassles." XP said looking amazed at the slideshow of g4m members on BED's huge viewscreen.

"So I think I'd limit my group presence this year. You know me, we could meet once in a while and still appear that we have just seen each other yesterday."

Our conversation about friendship was interrupted when he pointed this LJ (Live Journal) guy who writes his sexcapades in his journal. According to XP, this guy is a notorious social climber. Once, XP tried befriending him since his new circle will connect him to this guy's own circle of friends. Unfortunately, he was turned down for no reason at all. Now that XP's becoming the more popular guy, this LJ writer started writing about being a victim of a certain "conspiracy." within his LJ group.

"Bud kapal naman magkwento ng sexcapades niyan. Uhm dont you think he's quite old and too porky and nerdy-looking to brag about his bed kills?" I asked him while guzzling my san mig light, my eyes turning at every direction looking for cute yuppies around us.

"Exactly, besides, talagang blacklisted sakin yan for snubbing me during my most down moment. Badtrip talaga."

"The nerve dude, I think I'm gonna puke. Have you ever thought he's just making up his stories? Kung ganun, baka naman talagang hopeless case na siya."

"That's what the others say. Pero yaan mo na, what matters is that I'm happy with my life." XP told me.

Rules Of Engagement

For SadandBlue of PEx... Even if you don't know my blog, this entry is for you.

---

How do you get back at an asshole who flirts with your boyfriend 24/7?

---

1. Get the guy's number from your buddy's phone.

2. Access Friendster. Steal a hunk's photo from the website.

3. Create a new account at G4M. Upload the stolen photo(s) of the guy from friendster. Write an interesting profile that would give an impression to readers that your character is very naughty yet leads a very productive life.

4. Include the mobile phone number of the boyfriend-flirter.

---

1. Access MIRC in an internet cafe. Create an attention-grabbing chat handle such as "Tripper9" or "Hunktoploader". Ensure that the chat handle will adopt a very masculine persona in the chatroom.

2. Respond to every sexual ads within your area. Use the G4M account you have created to reinforce the market value of the chat handle you are representing in MIRC.

3. When the final details have been concluded between you and the chatter, use the boyfriend-flirter's number as contact information.

4. Log out from the chatroom. Repeat process number 1.

---

1. Acquire all smut tabloids available in your friendly neighborhood newstand.

2. There is always a textmate's corner in those tabloids. Located at the bottom of the textbox are instructions on how to include your number in their list for the next newspaper issue. Text the number below and request that your number be added to their list.

3. Instead of using your number, use the boyfriend-flirter's mobile number for contact details.

4. Repeat process until you have exhausted all your efforts posting the boyfriend-flirter's number on all tabloids you want his number to appear.

---

There are several channels in UHF/Cable that offers a service where you could post your number to seek "friends." If you're eyes are capable of reading very tiny neon colored advertisements, you can use this service to your shameless plans of getting back at boyfriend-flirter by posting his number there.

---

Emphasize on the masculinity and aggressiveness of your character. Make him appear cool and confident in front of those interested to hook up with you. Focus your attention to persistent effems and parloristas who would surely bring nightmare to your boyfriend-flirter. Physical descriptions would have a multiplier effect, depending on how believable your descriptions would be.

---

And always remember, revenge is ultra sweet especially if the target don't know what hit him.

---

Ic. Honestly, Im thinking of fucking you hard dude, but realizing that you havent been fucked for a long time, I guess you may not be able to take my fat 9 incher. Besides, my ex told me that I'm quite rough in bed. Hehe.

- alterprofile to g4m member.

Please, One Time Lang Ok?

I just need to vent this out:

"I have always thought that bloggers are delusional and vain; writing your thoughts for the world to see, or writing as if talking to the world or to no one in particular in the world (as if they would care), is just a bit peculiar to me. It just never occurred to me that I am just as queer. Wait, that sounded very true."

- from Bunshoy's blog, opening entry

---

Nung una kong nabasa ito, unang sumagi sa isip ko eh. "Bah, ang taray naman." Siyempre, tinamaan ako sa hirit niya kasi naman blogger ako, ibig sabihin pala ay delusional ako at vain kasi gusto kong ipabasa sa iba kung ano man ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. For the longest time among my friends, ako lang ang nanindigan mag-blog tungkol sa aking sarili, at wag ka, no holds barred ako magkwento. Kung hindi lang sa "social responsibility" clause na inimpose ko sa sarili ko simula noong sumikat ako sa Google, pati mga juicy tsismis na alam ko, ipopost ko dito. Fine, I got his point at hinayaan ko na yung mga sinabi niya... tutal, reading some blogs - lalo na sa G4M (which I don't link in my roster), I kinda feel what he meant above.

Nitong hapon, napaisip ako... bakit may mga taong deliberately nag-aadvertise ng mga blog nila sa ibang lugar na hindi naman blog related? Is it because hindi pa sila nakuntento ipangalandakan ang buhay nila sa iba, pati ang mga taong walang pakielam, gusto nila mabasa pati kwentong buhay at opinyon nila sa mundo, even if those people doesn't find it necessary?

I post this entry to remind myself time and again never to reveal my blog in a public domain, especially when it's unnecessary, or if my post would lead into a controversy that would sour relationships between people. Tama nang nakikipag-usap akong parang tanga sa sarili ko (o sa imaginary friends ko kung sino man sila) at hindi ko na kailangan gambalain pa ang iba. I should always remember that not all people are interested to know my story, gaano ko man gusto mag-reach out at mabasa ng maraming bloggers... Those who do so would seek my blog gaano ko man ito itago sa mga tao.

At para sa iyo Bunshoy, naniniwala na ako sa sinabi mo tsong. We write because we need to express ourselves.

Pero tama nang alam lang ito ng mga taong interesado sa buhay buhay natin.

The Fine Art Of CSR Bluffing

This evening, I decided to call the customer service number of my mobile phone provider to inquire about the status of my supposed-to-be loyal subscriber incentive. The customer service representative on the other line appears uninterested to hear my concerns. Eventually, after countless explanations and counter explanations about my single issue, I ended up threatening her that if I don't get a convincing explanation before I drop my phone, I will cut my line and move to another mobile service provider.

---

Me: Look [name of CSR] , I've been a very loyal subscriber of Globe for many years. Check my account and you will find that I'm paying 2 thousand pesos every month just to maintain my phone. I'm sorry but if my 2-year old phone breaks down anytime, I would be forced to find a new subscriber. Yun lang ok? Yun lang."

And there was silence.

CSR: "Ok sir, let me forward your account to the Rewards Department.

---

The threat I made somehow snapped sanity back at her. Immediately, she acted on my behalf, ensuring that whatever moves she will take would be in my favor. At sino namang hindi maasar. I've been bleeding huge amounts of money every 15 days just to pay for my bill, and still, I'm using an old phone. Those who uses the pre-paid service would waste their precious load forwarding stupid and impersonal text messages every fucking day of the week. At hindi pa nakuntento ang mga walang magawa ha! They will send you crappy forwarded text messages at least six times a day.

Sino ba namang hindi mapipikon sa ganun?

Buti kung isang message lang. At buti kung yung forwarded message niya eh original.

Seriously, I find the CSR, unsympathetic and unconcerned about my issue. I could have let things go away, but when she said that Globe only gives reward to subscribers who upgrade their accoun, I immediately told her that I'm paying so much for my phone, upgrading my account for no reason at all would be sheer stupidity. My issue here is when I could get a new phone since I already ended my contract with them. According to their marketing policy, they could encourage new postpaid applicants to sign-up with them while providing a mobile phone based on their plan. Since I'm an old, established account, I deserve such incentive as well. Don't get me wrong, I can buy a decent phone anytime I want. But since I have the priviledge of getting a new phone without throwing a single centavo. San pa ako kundi dun na sa libre.

I sincerely hope that she forwarded my inquiry to the department that handles such problem. I also hope that whoever is in-charge in the QA room have monitored our conversation so that they would know that some of their people needs more training when it comes to courtesy and appearing enthusiastic to their "VIP" clients.

At syempre, I'm one of the VIPs no. Ilan lang ba ang kilala kong may mga post paid account sa kanila? Besides, mine is a good account. Bwisitin talaga nila ako, lilipat ako sa SMART. I'm sure, once they see how updated my payments are, they would take me in without clowning too much around.

Mary J. Blige

Now it's my own family who is in disarray...

Son comes home from his "social obligations."

Mom ignores him for no reason at all.

Son finds out his younger sister is out too, meeting with her colleagues

Who's photos you see everyday on the front pages of daily newspapers.

Son freaks out. He was simply caught in the crossfire.

Mom accuses him further of striking back since son ignored her after showing something that doesn't interest him anyway.

Riot begins, younger sister still out of the house.

Son became upset. He felt his own freedom is beginning to be controlled because of the situation.

Son suddenly felt that he has no right to be out of the house during weekends.

Mom says that if everyone is capable to be out at night, she has the right too.

But the problem is, mom is simply bluffing. She doesn't have anywhere to go.

Now after the secret hurt has been inflicted,

And sister arrives, not aware of what just had happened.

Son locks himself up in his room. Pretending, everything is okay...

---

God, I've been so domesticated at the age of 24!!!

I lost a third of my recklessness, adventurism and sense of a nocturnal person at the quarter of my life.

Where's the guy who used to abused his freedom now?

Where's the one who used to proclaim Malate is his throne?

Does the guy still exist?




I don't know...









I just feel that I've been fucked up on a perfect Friday night.

Darkstar Rule Me Now

Don't make me realize that staying with you for two years was just a waste of my time.

How ironic that when I finally realized that no matter what happens we will be together, I would actually convene the same forces that drafted my supposed to be emancipation proclamation.

You know what hurts me more...

Sabihan ka lang ng isang tao na hindi mo kilala na crush ka, heto ikaw na nagkukumahog maghabol sa kanya.

Well now I guess we are just quits.

Sulit rin pala na naloka ako kay Boy Astig ng isang linggo, Nagkaroon ako ng Emancipation Act ng minsang isang hapong na frustrate ako sayo... At nakisali pa ako sa Tatsulok nung minsang sinaktan mo ako at binalewala mo ang mga pakiramdam ko sayo.

Pantay na tayo. Pahihilumin ko lang ang mga sugat na binigay mo...

Babangon rin ako.

Countdown starts tonight.

Global Superpower

Konting konti na lang, bibili na ako ng pirated version ng WindowsXP. At pag-aaralan ang pag-iinstall nito pati na rin ang pagcoconfigure ng operating system ng computer ko. Magpapacomputer hard/software geek na ako para everytime na nacocorrupt ang XP ko,

Hindi ako nababaliw para maghanap ng technician para mag-ayos nito.

In less than two months, naka-ilang pagpapaayos na ba ako?

Hindi ko na mabilang...

---

Hinanda ko na yung statement of accounts ko for Globe during the last two months.

I've been a loyal subscriber ever since I got my phone. Pero feeling ko, taken for granted ako. Sa 2K kong monthly bill, all I get is an obsolete phone samantalang yung iba, out of this world ang perks na natatanggap nila.

This is it.

I've been talking to a Smart Customer Service Officer the last time I paid my Globe Bill.

I will move to another service provider.



Fuck loyalty when they can't appreciate your faithfullness.

All I Was Asking For Is Time

I should have been celebrating a victory, but when our supervisor suddenly declared that we'll have an overtime today, it fucked me up to high heavens and thus destroyed my day completely.

That's why I cannot continue my previous post last night. Sick and tired from work, (read: flu+runnie nose), the only thought that came into my mind is sleeping.

In fact, I'm sleepy again... I've been compromising my R&R with sleeping. Well folks, Joms has finally realized, after three years of graduation how hard it is to work! Man, if not only for the money, I'd try looking for a job that is not-soooo-demanding.

But then again, this work really revved me up. Everyday, I set my own challenges, and that set up really surprised a lot of my peers when it comes to extended performance.

However, I really hate overtimes. If only those overtimes are not mandatory, I'd rather forego that 150% increase when extending our hours. Who needs money? What I need most is time.

---

So what else happened today?

I declared this day as a ceasefire from cursing my dad. Well, it his birthday too! I greeted him the moment I woke up this morning.

It was my first text to him in eons. Seriously, I really hope he had a good time today.

---

I went to the church this morning after almost forgetting God for two months. I went there to thank Him for His continuous blessing to my family. And yeah, because its my parents birthday too. On behalf of them, I gave my personal thanks to the Creator.

---

I was the first one to be assigned to research of new organizations/associations. Our quota was supposed to be 1 potential org per day.

I had four.

---

I had a nasty fight with Phanks... long story, serious issue. In fact, I had those lingering thoughts of a post-breakup scenario lingering in my mind while I was on my way home.

I did apologized at the end. After he explained his side why he failed me this time.

In short, nagbati rin kami at matutulog kami ng mahimbing ngayong gabi.

---

But before I close this entry, I would like to thank those who appreciated my blog's makeover. Kahit ako rin, I never expected that this outcome would be like this. It really reflects my personality. Everytime, when things really get steamy in the office, I'd just open the blog and when I see those lovely trees... everything feels better afterwards.

It's midnight once again. I know, I'm still in the process of adjusting but to tell you honestly, it seems like everytime, time is being robbed from me.

Everythings so short and brief nowadays.

If Someone Would Ask Me Why...

1. I was teased being a queer for the most of my life. Even though I was hanging out with straight men, the doubt seems to hover still... But that time, I was real straight. The thoughts of bending over was relatively out of my mind.

2. It somehow stopped when I had a girlfriend. Too bad, I was starting to pirate blue porns at the middle of our relationship. However, the thought of having real sex with another PLU was relatively out of my mind... except at the latter part of our time, when I found myself posting at a Bi-thread in pinoyexchange.

3. I started believing that I am my dad's perfect karma. Putangina pala siya eh, napakababaero niya, tingnan natin kung putulin ko ang tsansa niyang ikalat pa ang lahi niya!

4. I adore my mom so much! Binuhay niya kami ng kapatid ko mag-isa! Dad was just a mere "provider" and nothing more.

5. I am abivalent towards my dad. Quever ko sa kanya, kasing tanda lang ng ex ko ang bago niya kabit ah!

6. I got all my personalities from my mom! Sori na lang si papa, kaya ko mag-angas at maging tigasin pero I think my heart remains feminate. Ika nga, ako yung masculine na may conflict sa sarili.

7. All the role models I followed were either females... or PLUs themselves! Malay ko bang ganun sila?

8. All my closest male friends are all PLUs. 35 sila lahat, isang federacion na kung tutuusin.

9. I have a relatively stable relationship. Tumagal pa kami ng isang taon at mauungusan ko na sila mama at papa pagdating sa stability sa pagiging buhay mag-asawa nila.

10. I am better this way. I found my strength being this way.

11. Sawa na ako sa mani, mas masarap ang hotdog.

12. I would always remember papu and I'd realize that man! Thank God he showed me the way.

13. I'd remember the OUTSIDERS, and I would realize that I became a full man because of them.

14. I have been blessed to be given the sweetest lover on earth. No one can take the place of HIM.

15. I'd think about how hard it is to have a family these days. Indeed, being fab and single is still the "best" option.

---

I just want to tell him straight that it was he who created me. He is the reason why I became like this and will remain to do so. Masyado mong pinababa ang tingin ko sa mga straight, salamat sayo!

The First and Last Sunny Confrontation

I will never forget this night.

For the first time, I hanged the phone on my dad. I got all fed up with all his strong words to our financial manager. It seems like the crisis has gotten him. My mom think that his decision making and management abilities have already been impaired. God sawa na ako. Hindi ko na kayang marinig ang panglalait niya sa mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko pa.

Pasensya na, I was about to write a lighter blogger entry when he called. Shempre ako naman nakakaramdam na maglalabas ng sama ng loob sakin yung tao so bri-nace ko na ang sarili ko. He told me, pumasok ako ng maaga mamaya dahil kami na daw ang magtatake-over ng accounting department. He'll show Ms Delia who's the boss in the company. Hirit ko naman, "wala namang umaagaw sa position mo ah."

I don't want to recollect all the verbal trade-offs we had, but suffice to say, I was very very close to telling him all the resentments I have kept throughout this time. Mahirap na, baka bigla na lang ma-stroke yung kausap ko sa kabilang line, mabuti ba bagsakan ko na lang ng telepono sabay magpretend na nagkaroon ako ng nervous breakdown at nagwawala sa banyo pagtawag ulit.

Of course, I'm not the type of person who'll break down because of a problem. I would rather run away than being swallowed by it. Sa totoo hindi ko alam, hindi ko na alam kung sino ang papakinggan ko. After I slammed the phone, I immediately talked to his sister, which is the production manager to assess the situation.

And I found out that we're indeed in a very grim scenario.

I well understand how deadly our predicament is. I am very well aware that anytime everything would fall. But would it be better that despite the threats and crisis we face everyday, we face it with a peace of mind and a united heart? Problema kasi, mukhang wala nang tiwala tong tatay ko sa Finance Manager. I know by heart that the Finance Manager is doing everything to keep the company afloat. I know that most of the time, she's alone in her fight, kaming dalawa ni papa nagtatago sa kung saang sulok ng kama.

But can you blame me? How can a 22 year old resolve a problem reserve for elders and experienced businessmen? I can do much, but without the money, and the necessary authority to back me, everyone would think that I am just a mere kid. I've seen it before, I attended a dealers meeting and a lot of them we're a bit surprised why the company sent a kid to deal with big people. Ok lang sana sa akin, but when people starts to treat you as a kid, treating you to the point that they compare you to their own kids, diba parang nakaka-engeng rin?

My mom thinks I'm already nursing a tattered soul. Minsan nga naiisip ko, sa sobrang dami kong dapat isipin, madaling-araw na lang ang time ko para maging bata. I mean enjoy the small things that doesn't involve dialogue or compromise, or management or money. Minsan, mismong pagyoyosi na lang eh big break na sakin kasi feeling ko demure pa rin ako kapag naka-marlboro kahit tense na tense na ako.

Pasensya na talaga. I know some anonymous reader would laugh at my predicament, but you know what, sometimes I would really wanted to trade places with people who doesn't have to think big... to worry about everything aside from themselves. Seriously, I envy people who just have to worry about where to get their next money for their gym or watching movies, or buy the latest fashion craze. Inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong hawak nila ang sarili nilang buhay kasi ako hindi ko maafford mag-isip ng ganun. I would always have to think about my mom and my sis, about the business and everyone around it.

I know, I still learn from everything that's happening to me, pero minsan naiisip ko na rin talaga kung saan ba ako patungo. I prepared myself before for an empire in a bed of roses, pero ngayon, even just a moment of tranquility has its price. Our predicament made me think about a lot of things... and envy a lot of people of my age. Buti na lang wala sa isip ko ang mag-asawa kundi paano na ang mama at utol ko.

Minsan, nakakapagod maglakad sa tunnel na hindi mo alam kung kailan makikita ang liwanag. Everyone is telling me to surrender everything, end let my dad suffer his own fate, parang hindi ko rin kaya sumuko. Hindi ko na alam kung paano gagawin at sa totoo lang, ayaw ko nang makisali pa sa gulo. I tried my best to maintain order despite the crisis, but when the head itself is the one destroying the order... then I can't do anything about it.

Andami ko pang gustong sabihin pero kahit utak ko hindi ko na makita kung nasaan. Dapat sana marami akong ikwekwento tungkol sa mga novelties na nangyari sa buhay ko pero laging na-oovershadow ito ng problema ko sa trabaho. Gusto kong humanap ng buhay pero habang naiipit ako sa mga sitwasyon na hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin, mas gusto ko pang maging patay.

I am very very tired.

and in my dreams, I just want everything to end.