I was cleaning my study table the other day when suddenly, I found an old but familiar notebook tucked at the bottom of piled papers cluttered in the drawer.
It was one of my earlier journals and it was one of my most secret one. During college, I used to compose poems before I discovered how to write in paragraphs. This notebook is one of the predecessors of Phanksmaster, and entries in this journal were written at the height of my teenage-angst years.
One entry, written sometime between the first and second semester of my first year caught my attention. It was almost identical to what Gerumatori wrote in one of his scattered online journals I saw yesterday.
Is it true that when we are adolescents, our battles mostly revolve around ourselves? And when we become adults, our battles begin to shift against outside forces that affect us?
I don’t know if any of you guys did have your own battles against yourself before - if you had this kind of conflict against yourself, especially during those times when you begin to feel that there is something different in your personality you were afraid to recognize.
Anyway, here is the entry. I hope some of you can relate to this:
It was one of my earlier journals and it was one of my most secret one. During college, I used to compose poems before I discovered how to write in paragraphs. This notebook is one of the predecessors of Phanksmaster, and entries in this journal were written at the height of my teenage-angst years.
One entry, written sometime between the first and second semester of my first year caught my attention. It was almost identical to what Gerumatori wrote in one of his scattered online journals I saw yesterday.
Is it true that when we are adolescents, our battles mostly revolve around ourselves? And when we become adults, our battles begin to shift against outside forces that affect us?
I don’t know if any of you guys did have your own battles against yourself before - if you had this kind of conflict against yourself, especially during those times when you begin to feel that there is something different in your personality you were afraid to recognize.
Anyway, here is the entry. I hope some of you can relate to this:
---
Realm II
Wailing Pages
August 11, 1999 (Unedited)
Realm II
Wailing Pages
August 11, 1999 (Unedited)
As the chaos begins to intensify and as I finally regain my consciousness, I am stuck here alone. I became overshadowed by my own fears that I became the shadow itself. As no one still heeds to my call, I must improvise a last desperate attempt to overcome this mess. Since no one is interested in me. I will turn all my problems to this pages – my depressions, vows, happiness, and love. I hope that in doing these, I would make myself stronger. As of this writing, I felt that I will loose all good things that is around me.
I hope that writing in this pages will help me know myself even more. One day, I dream of balancing the forces that control me and I want to emerge one day from this never ending chaos that raged in me, reading all this wailings, I will smile and remember the dark times when I almost lost myself into the eternal abyss of chaos…
May God guide me in this perilous and lonely trip of mine.
---
Seven years after, I smiled after reading this introductory entry on that journal. I smiled because I have finally overcome that battle which raged within me. Reading between the lines, you would know that it was all about acceptance. Though it took me a little longer to finally accept who I am, at least now, I can proudly say that I made it.
Mom always tells me how I survived those adolescent years without showing any signs of rage and confusion, my sister did show during her time. I just tell my mom that I’m good at keeping angst well hidden.
I always had a pen and paper with me…
If only I could close my eyes and let my thoughts fly through time and reach the 17 year old Joms who wrote the entry above, I would tell him that
Mom always tells me how I survived those adolescent years without showing any signs of rage and confusion, my sister did show during her time. I just tell my mom that I’m good at keeping angst well hidden.
I always had a pen and paper with me…
If only I could close my eyes and let my thoughts fly through time and reach the 17 year old Joms who wrote the entry above, I would tell him that
“yeah, your entry was for me dude. And guess what, when I read it again last night, it made me smile. It took me seven years to get back to you. I could not believe that such a young age, you know how to talk to the future.”
Finally, I could keep the notebook once again, hopefully perhaps discovering in the future that there were other entries addressed to the much older me, that I didn’t understood while reading it today.
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