Petunia In An Onion Patch

Will you pick it up and put it in your salad dressing knowing that this is the Onion patch it came from?

---

Walong oras ako tigas na tigas kanina.

Badtrip nga eh, baka may nakakita sa aking pinipisil si batutuy kasi aroused rin ako sa mga sinasabi ko. Sensya na, pervert lang talaga ako. The more na nasty yung mga sinasabi sakin, mas lalo akong natuturn on. Buti na lang wala akong katabi.

Minsan, gusto ko tuloy itanong sa mga kasama ko lalo na dun sa mga straight na lalaki kung sila rin ba tinatablan ng libog sa trabaho namin. Nagwoworry tuloy ako kasi special case ang sa akin.

Pero hindi lahat, sex ang habol sayo. Gaya sa totoong buhay, merong pang-kama ka lang at meron rin namang totoong seryoso ang pakikitungo sayo.

Nakakaawa lang kasi bilang tao, nararamdaman mo yung need nila. Kahit alam mong peke lang yung mga "hugs at kisses" mo, na pa tweetums lang yung concern na binibigay mo sa ka-text mo, sa kanila big deal yun.

At alam mong big deal yun sa kanila kasi ikaw mismo, nagmemelt rin.

- Confessions of the Real Model, June 12, 2005

*

I woke up this morning from someone's phonecall.

It was my boss and he was calling from the US. He was extremely furious and his first words were "Asan Ka Na? Wala ka pa ba sa opisina? Anong oras na?!?!" Since I just woke up, I was perfectly defenseless.

Rolling out from the bed and into the computer. I told him that I am logging on from home, which was acceptable but not really a good resort. It was 6:30 and I said that I woke up late because I went out last night.

From there, his furiousness further increased. He was raging mad and I was recieving the full brunt of it.

- Countdown to Termination, September 25, 2005

*

Significant changes are happening in the office these past few weeks.

There was a massive recruitment going on, for we have been constantly flooded by text messages coming from abroad.

Overnight, I have become one of the oldest workers in the group. Everyone I knew when I was just starting was already gone.

And even mami admitted that she would be working at home beginning this week.

Somehow the changes made me feel very alone.

- Under the Textron Sun, November 9, 2005

*

"I have to tell you something," He said.

"Anu yun dude?" I asked him, with a half guess in my head.

"Wag na lang..." was his reply. Apparently, he was having second thoughts of spilling out the beans.

Then, silence fell between us.

"Ano nga yun,"

I insisted a couple of times more. But he was really hesitant to say what he wanted to convey to me. so there was silence between us. Suddenly, without any warning, he held my hand and put it firmly and forcefully between his legs. I felt a massive bulge.

"Would this mean anything to you?" He asked.

At that moment, I was virtually powerless to make any reactions. Never did I guess that I would eventually reach the point, where I tried to consciously and persistently avoid this past few months.

- Eyes Wide Shut, March 5, 2007

*

Mami Athena calls him the Princess because according to her, he is cute and fragile looking. Wanda Ilusyonada, who is his close friend back in college also addresses him in the same manner. He is a tall, very lean gentleman with a remarkable chinito facial features that puts him in the category of good-looking guys in the office. Compared to my rugged and brute disposition, he is a class act. Armed with an exceptionally outstanding fashion sense and a penchant for creativity - particularly in the field of visual arts, he stands out among the rest.

- Prelude to An Alliance, June 02, 2007

*

The interviewer lead us to the dining table and introduced himself as Francis. He is the boss of the start-up company that is interested to hire us. As he gave a brief history of the company, he took a bundle of teen and adult magazines scattered in one of the chairs near him. He then pointed the several advertisements in those magazines looking for text mates. We read the advertisements from each of the magazines and when we were already getting an idea about the nature of work we will be doing, Francis told us that our job is to respond to incoming text messages in the computer pretending that we are the text mates of the users.

- Appleseed, June 14, 2007

*

I got off the FX at the gas station. Then I boarded a tricycle that would take me to my office. It was raining when I arrived. When Mami saw me, she thought I just came from the gym.

I never told her what happened. Instead, I asked her for a stick of Phillip Morris and then quietly went to the small bathroom, which I dubbed the "Panic Room" for its importance on my well-being.

The boss arrived and caught me by surprise. Much as I would like to hide, he saw me smoking. Since it was strictly prohibited to smoke inside the premises, I thought I was a goner. Luckily, the boss didn't mind my presence since he was busy instructing the QA Department of some changes in the company. You see, we have a new account and its anticipated arrival kept everyone busy the whole day yesterday.

After I've done smoking, I went to the HR Room where the reception area and the pantry is located. I told the people there that I'd just like to make tambay, which they merely responded with a puzzled look. Settling at the pantry, I took my readings out of my bag and quietly studied there, until the boss noticed me and volunteered his private office at the other side of the floor.

I declined his offer out of embarrassment.

- Sanctuario, August 8, 2007

*

Inamin sa akin ni Princess na kinakabahan siya sa bagong assignment. Ganun rin ang pakiramdam ko matapos ang aming briefing.

Ngunit gaya sa isang palabas sa sine kung saan narealize ng mandirigma ang halaga ng kanyang bahagi bago ito sumugod sa digmaan, ang awakening sa akin ay naganap rin kinagabihan ng aming briefing.

Kasama ang trainer, inaya kami ng boss sa isang munting bonding matapos ang briefing ng mga panggabi sa aming kumpanya. Nagkataon lang ang aking pagsama sapagkat noong nalaman ko na uuwi mag-isa ang trainer noong gabing yun, nagpasya akong hintayin siya't ihatid pauwi.

After all, sino bang anak-anakan ang hahayaan ang kanyang nanay-nanayan na umuwi mag-isa ng hatinggabi?

Sa inuman, silang dalawa ang nagkwentuhan samantalang ako naman ay mataimtim na nakinig sa kanilang usapan. Marami akong nalaman, na bilang isang mangagawa lamang ay hindi ko na dapat marinig pa. Ngunit noong gabing iyon, ipinaramdam nila sa akin kung gaano ako kabahagi ng kumpanya. Bilang isa sa mga pioneer dito, na-realize ko na malaki ang gagampanan kong role para sa ikatatagumpay ng account.

- Frontliners, April 20, 2008

---

These are some of the memories I will be leaving if I choose exodus over atonement. The courtship was a resounding success and the perks I will be getting is something I have never received in my three long years of stay in my job.

Mami Athena now knows of my plans and being the surrogate mother she has always been, I have her blessings. She told me to plant myself in places where I would truly grow. The new company promises many things that are too good to be true, I am afraid that they are all but mere deceptions.

Research told me however of a different story.

My resignation letter is safely tucked inside my bag and can be deployed at a moment's notice. However, personal values hesitate me from executing my plan.

I cannot leave someone behind.

With this in mind, new plans will have to be implemented.

Since my sister is also currently looking for a job, I can give up my slot and let her take my slice of heaven. She deserves to be in paradise more than I do and the laws of profession dictates that we can never be in the same company together.

She will have my place.

However, if she chooses to decline my offer, that is the time I will reconsider.

Depending on the conditions in the Onion Patch, even Petunias like me also yearn to be included in someone's garden salad.

---

-tobecontinued-

Courtship

The heart is a muscle that pumps blood into the veins. The blood carries oxygen to the brain enabling us to reason with logic when emotions get shaken by a series of roller-coaster events. When the heart begins to doubt, the mind questions its being. It becomes unresponsive to stimulus leaving the blood, the organs and the body lethargic.

It's been more than a week since my soul was driven out of my body. As a result, I've been mostly paranoid, afraid and unable to answer with clarity when someone asks me their fate for the day. In my kind of living - where I allow others to feed on my soul, what is essential is that I am one with myself. Once I become the other who seeks constant re-assurance from someone stronger, how can I stand and be a guide for others?

I am writing in codes so no need to decipher what is being written. Just look at the stars, the labels and the constellations and you will know what I meant all along.

*

It wasn't easy to get crushed and I tried my best to paint my gloominess with a fake smile. My silence reeks of agony and those close to me must have felt the pain. I am just human not to feel anything about it. I tried to keep still, but nightmares kept on haunting me. When I'm not reading someone's future, I preoccupy myself reading mine.

Will I commit the big mistake again?

How long before I finally accept that it wasn't just my mistake all along?

Will they blame me when the gods from the other side suddenly leaves when they find better worshipers?

I try not to think about it, but the guilt is always stirring me.

*

So I cast my eyes into another world one sunny afternoon, and what I saw is a gorgeous lady whose slender features remind me of wide open spaces, empty floors, quiet cubicles and an enterprise that is just about to take flight at a time when the heavens seem crashing down to the earth.

I want to be there when the turbulent waters evaporate over the clear blue sky. I hope that rainbows will restore my faith back into me.

*

Blame my attachment if I shed a tear while writing this confession. It is not easy to part ways, especially when you know where your heart is in place. But I cannot stand the nightmare anymore. I cannot last a day thinking what if the same mistake happens again in the near future.

I promise that I would never tell the heartaches I keep and I will always treasure the best memories should this new lady take my hand and let me become her concubinus. Let the pain be mine for I know, things will turn better if I get over this.

I just want you to know that the courtship will take place later.

And even if I don't get considered, my desire to seek a new destiny has now entered my stream of consciousness

Much as I would like to gain atonement for all the things that I've done, consider this entry my prelude to saying goodbye.

---

-tobecontinued-

Job Application (Second Part)

My sister made it on the first cut.

And she was asked to stay behind because the recruitment would conduct the second phase of the job application process which is the initial interview. The interview is where, in my job hunting days, the usual part where I get the "thank you" card. Written on the card were the words "you can apply again after six months in our company," which I take as a stab on my dignity knowing that I lost it bitterly in a job application process.

However, not all is lost in those countless job interviews I have done in order to get a job. After sending my application from company to company, week after week and getting turned down in the end soon taught me the ropes when being interviewed by a recruiter. The questions that were asked became a solid piece of memory that I kept in my mind so that whenever I would be invited to be interviewed again by another company, I know what to answer.

I would not stutter and I would not say "ahhhh" with a very long pause.

The top questions an interviewer may ask an applicant include:

Tell me something about yourself?
What do you know about our company?
Describe to me your working habits?
How do you see yourself in five years?
Why do you want to work with us when there are other good companies hiring out there?

Of course, there are the tricky questions, which only a creative and witty applicant may answer convincingly. HR wants to power trip sometimes and they love overconfident applicants to suffer. It's a proven fact. Yet for all intents and purposes, I gathered all the interview questions that were asked to me from the recesses of my mind in order to impart them to my sister who was getting nervous on her first job interview.

To boost up her morale, I told her that what companies are really looking for are people who not only have the talent, but also the heart to endure being a slave in a corporate environment. I emphasized the words "compassion" and "loyalty" since I know that she would be working in a service-oriented company. When it was her turn to be interviewed, I even reminded her to tell the interviewer that "she wants to grow with the company." This was the famous line that earned me the final interview spot at West Contact during the early days of my Call Center job application tour.

The job interview was over after 15 minutes. My sister's status: Passed. She was endorsed to a final interview which will be set at midnight the same day. For my folks back home, such interview being conducted at midnight was very unusual for them.

But for me who have been to such job interview before, I understand why it has to be done at midnight. Aside from examining if the applicant can fairly adjust to the night shift. It is also a way for them to know how serious the applicant is with the American-time job.

Knowing that my sister is applying for an outsourcing company, night, for many suddenly becomes her day.

Her night suddenly becomes everyone's day.

Job Application (First Part)

I saw it in her eyes: The everdistant gaze into nothingness; thoughts buried deep on a brochure provided by a company looking for fresh manpower; the interview coaching - the things that you say to the interviewer and the possible questions the interviewer may throw to you. For me, it was as if I saw myself three years ago when I was the one looking for a job. However this time, it was my sister and she had her first job interview after graduating from college.

Yesterday, she received a phone call from a company that I sent her resume to last year. This company is reputed to have a very good standing with its employees. In fact, if money was all that is important to me, I would have sent my resume to them in hopes of finding greener pastures in the business process outsourcing world. But such thing is not my cup of tea. Instead, I let my sister take my place in hopes that someday she would earn more than what I get from my small, campy workplace.

So we found ourselves at the heart of Eastwood City - the place where many many years ago was the spot where Roy and I had our little fantasies with girl dancers doing a Cayote Dance on the bar table of Sibil. While my sister took her "math" exams, I went to Agave Restaurant to meet XP and his fabulous American boyfriend who just arrived from the States. The meeting was fun. The boyfriend was cute and bubbly. I'm pretty sure that they're having some "fun time" as of this moment.

After I saw them, I returned to this call center to check on my sister. The exam had just ended and the first thing I heard from her was why she was asked to take a math test when the job she sought is with the HR Department. I told her that perhaps, the call center was looking for potential IT people from among its applicants. It happened to me when I applied at Accenture several years before.

The nerve-wrecking wait for the results to arrive took about several minutes. In between the waiting, I saw my sister talking to the other applicants who also took the exam. Remembering how it was during my days, the best part of the application process is when you meet your fellow applicants and learning their stories. In some cases the brief chat in the lounge while waiting for your name to be called by the interviewer would lead to friendships that would last the whole application process. Sometimes, the friendship gets an extension especially when you instantly decide to tag along to his/her other job hunting destinations because you find this applicant fun to be with. Unfortunately, when the last interview had took place, the friendship gets a sudden end. I guess it was meant to be that way. The friendships you made with someone is just a temporary comfort to the strangeness of being in place where nobody cares a shit about you.

Going back, the examiner returned with several white que cards in her hand. Of the three applicants who took the exam, only two made it. One of them was my sister, who the moment received the notice glowed like a sunflower. To find out that her first shot in job application was a success became a moral booster to her sensitive ego. However, it was just the first phase of the application process and pretty sure, the huddles will become more challenging as she climbs up the job application ladder.

For me, it was merely a beginners luck.

Nevertheless, I had high hopes she would make it.

---

-tobecontinued-

Taming The Tikbalang

Entry secretly posted last February, 2006. Like I always tell the newly hired operators in the office, I maybe one of the pioneers but my first year was mired with constant attempts to leave the company to settle elsewhere. In those days, setting a foothold in one place had never cross my mind yet.

Only the prospects of finishing a post-graduate degree forced me to prioritize what I really wanted to do with my life.

---

And when I close my eyes, I see myself working in some small but high-paying company at the heart of Makati. One breezy afternoon, I would go out of my new office building to smoke and gaze at the sun's rays reflected on the stained windows of a skyscraper across the street. The day was relatively productive, and day by day, I am becoming more of an asset to the company. Ever since I joined them, I make sure that I am in the forefront of every project they have been involved with.

For I have taught myself to become an achiever; someone who is willing to take all necessary steps just to be ahead of his colleagues.

And when the end of the month comes, I would be proud to bring home the bacon, which rivals those I am getting now from the two companies I am involved with. I would never sleep again fearing the day when we finally lose the remaining strings that hold our last business empire together.

This is the dream I have been aiming for since I found my independence. Somehow, someway I would make sure to achieve it. I do not want to wake up in a reality of growing old, realizing that I spent my whole life wading in a meaningless existence jumping from one personal project to the next.

---

Will I be nearer to my goals this year? Would I finally hit my target I have been aiming for since the first time I started working for another company?

It has been two years and countless attempts later since I began this enterprise of working independently from the sikyu agency. So far, my existence remains in limbo. The work I am doing right now is almost synonymous with playing. We all know that we will never have any future or growth in what we are doing, we even don't know if some other companies understand what job we are performing.

Almost every month, I have been constantly looking for ways to appraise myself. My mom had even reached the point where she could not take my jobhunting endeavors anymore. Everytime i feel anxious about my financial stability, I always resort to sending my resume elsewhere. It's a force of habit, especially when I get reminded of how vulnerable my family's situation is.

I admit that I am constantly in search for something, some career that would make me grow and feel like an achiever. But in the past three years, I'm afraid I haven't found my contentment yet.

---

This afternoon, I was invited to meet a businessman who could provide me with a job I have been dreaming of. Their office is located in Makati - near the exact spot where I've been having fantasies of working ever since. They offer a much more respectable compensation than what I am earning right now. And most of all, the work they offer relates more to what I finished in college.

It is about writing and what they are looking for is someone who has the passion to write about any subject under the sun.

The interviewer asked me about the most favorite topic I want to talk about. Obviously it's all about gay stuffs. I have been talking about these things ever since this blog had started. But, I could not easily reveal him my true interest. This time, I won't compromise my sexuality to strangers. So instead, I told him that I'm interested about current events. Being a wikipedia addict and an avid fan of CNN, I'm sure that I would have the edge when it comes to global affairs.

He gave me a test in which he would choose a website and that I should write an article about something he finds interesting. A few minutes of browsing and then he discovered a news story about a roof of a market that collapsed in Russia. To tell you honestly, it was a weak story. But nevertheless, he asked me to write a shorter article about it.

---

I have been writing articles ever since. No matter how I deny it, writing is my most reliable talent. But this afternoon, it proved to be useless. The article which I wrote during the exam was one of the lousiest one I have written. It was very formal, unnatural and worse of all, I wrote it in a manner where my mind was not comfortable to think about the things I would like to say.

It was too artificial and no matter how the interviewer praised it, I think it was my worst. In my long years in Journalism, I never fully realized that writing is all about expressing ones thoughts and feelings about an experience that happened, until today. The reason why I feel so free in my blog is because I can bare my soul there and nobody would even care. No one would bother telling me how my grammar lapses sucks or how my writing style and overall mood turn the readers off.

In my blog I could express my raw emotions; powerful and full of sadness. But when I wrote the article this afternoon, it appeared to be written by a robot.

---

I'm not expecting to get that job. But it was the closest one I've got so far in reaching my ultimate dream of financial security. Nevertheless, despite the promising salary and growth offered by the job, such new career would simply destroy the world I have used to live in. It would destroy my sleeping habits, my resting habits, my gym routine and worst of all, I would again adjust to people I may not get along with in the end.

If ever they give me a chance to prove myself, I think I would have a hard time letting go of the things I've been so used to doing for the last several months.

Perhaps, this is not my time yet to move on. Probably, there's a better job waiting for me somewhere. Whatever plans I have set forth for myself this year, I hope that I would achieve them.

Those plans I set for myself are the ones driving me to find my own direction, even though my final destination remains unclear at this point in time.

---

One summer after, I found my calling in the bosom of Diliman. Who would have thought that after looking for countless job offers during my first year as a chat operator, my destination would eventually be in the graduate school.

"Such opportunity comes only once," I tell myself every time I begin to question my existence.

Freeaaky

Who would have ever thought that there is a company that really pays people who write reviews about online porn websites in the US.

Grabe, I thought it was a mere urban legend that circulated around the internet until I stumbled upon that company who interviewed me this afternoon.

"We write reviews for porn websites." said the interviewer

"I'm sorry maam?!?"

I cautiously replied, while trying to be all ears to what the interviewer was saying.

"Basically, you get to browse, watch and view porn websites - including gays of course for 8 hours every day and then write reviews about it. Thats what the job is." She explained.

Mind you, the young lady who was interviewing me was at most, in her mid 20's. She was small woman, with big eyeglasses and very lean figure. If Im not mistaken, she is a geek by physical appearance alone.

I was dumbstruck on my chair, smiling in hope that I could hide my disbelief and incedulity to what she revealed.

Then she drove her point by asking me to write a review about a certain website which will serve as my trial exam where they will base all their decisions if ever they will hire me or not.

So, for one hour and 30 minutes I was staring at a 17-inch monitor browsing photes of nude and freaky women (ewww!!) and white guys with massive cocks (yeah!!!) and relentless fucking, with no lovely forplay whatsoever and pink pussies oozing with cum that exploded from the guys who fucked them!! (mind you, the guy's faces were hidden from the screen which disappointed me greatly.)

When I looked around, I've realized that most of the people working there were guys too!!however, I've observed that there's a slight majority of geeks and freakies among the group.

I wonder if those guys ever get a boner every time they do their job.

Grabe, I know I'm a god-forsaken pervert but my powers won't stand a chance against such kind of work. Besides, if ever I'll gonna be hired there, (which is impossible even if they pay me 20,000 bucks to write three articles a day!) how could I tell the entire planet that my job is an online porn reviewer?

As in!! my mother would surely disown me if she ever finds out.

On a positive note, if ever I'd gonna work there, at least I might get to download gay porns anytime I want. Then I will sell it to you guys at a much sweeter price. Lol.

Besides, I would get leaner and leaner as months passes by... for sure bathroom trips would be longer and more frequent than the usual...

---

But seriously, even if the pay would be interesting. I guess, I'm not yet open minded enough to

accept such offer.

Besides, why would I leave my current company when I get all the perks I want from here?

Ispluk From The Mother Of All Manghahada

In fairness naikot ko ata ang buong Maynila buong araw. Paano ba naman, ngayon na-ischeduleyung dalawang chorva ko from new pastures elsewhere kaya hayun, umaga pa lang, instead na nag byu-beauty sleep ako eh larga kaagad ako from my balay.

First stop Ortigas. Dun sa building kung saan nagwork ako dati as a telemarketer of substandard printer inks in the US. Jusku, pressure talaga ang work na yun mga ateng. Halos pagpawisan talaga ka ng malapot bumenta lang sa mga Kanong walang alam sabihin sayo kundi "I'm not interested" or "this is a scam, fuck off asshole!!" Alam mo na, marami kasing madaling mabola sa US of A eh.

Pagdating ko dun eh 5 minutes akong late. Pekpek sila eh! Advance ang time nila sa time ko (kahit 30 minutes advanced ang orasan ko). Nung una, gulat pa ang receptionist dahil bakit daw lumitaw ang kagandahan ko dun samantalang hindi naman ako kasama sa list.

Cherva ko, "you told me to return today to take my exam... chorva chorva." Pero hindi naman ako nagtataray. Tamang pagpapaliwanag lang.

Hayun, after 20 minutes na pag-iintay at pang-iisplukan sa mga katabi kong applicant rin tungkol sa dati kong call center na tsismax ng cutie kong officemate eh pinapatayo sila for more than 8 hours every day habang nagtatake ng live calls at ispluk naman nila eh pinagbebenta raw ng daing na bangus yung mga call center agents dun sa CC (Call Center) sa baba ng floor namin,

pinag-exam rin nila ako.

Ang exam. Abstract reasoning. Ang pootah, kauma-umaga pinag-isip kaagad ako tungkol sa anong mga shapes ang naiba. Siguro after answering for a while, nahilo na rin ako. Bet ko natalagang mag-minimi-minimi minimo para makalayas lalo na't nagets ko na meron rin silang outbound account.

Ewan ko ba, after ata nung nag-apply ako sa Convergys several months ago, parang naging allergic ako sa mga call centers.

---

Eventually, natapos rin ako ng exams pero talagang windang na akong lumabas ng Orient. Kala ko nga magfa-paint ako sa kalsada dahil parang for a moment naging blanko ang paninginko. Wala pang 30 minutes ay natagpuan ko na ang sarili ko sa Kalentong. Kelangan kong magpa-print ng bagong "R" para dun sa next company na aaplayan ko sa Makati.

Mura naman ang printing kaya keri lang. Pero jusku ang pamasahe. Dun ata naubos ang budget ko for today.

Tinanong ko yung ale kung ano ang pinakamabilis na way papuntang Makati. Chorva nya, sakay daw ako papuntang Pasig tapos bumaba ako sa Crossing. Nung pagkasabi niya nun, ay nako, nagdilim talaga ang paningin ko. Gusto ko sanang sabihing kagagaling ko lang ng ortigas tapos babalik na naman ako doon para sumakay ng bus papuntang Makati at magtiis sa traffic, no way!! Pukulin na lang kita ng takong ng sapatos ko.

Pero cool lang naman ako eh. Nakangiti pa nga akong lumabas ng cafe sabay tumawid patungong JRU at sumakay ng jeep papuntang Hulo.

From Hulo, meron doong terminal ng bangka para makatawid ka from Mandaluyong to Makati crossing Pasig River. Jusku every time na tumatawid ako dun, naalala ko yung hirit sakin ng officemate kong TS (Transexual) na nung minsang sinabay daw niya yung ex-colleague namin na entremedidang model-modelan na tsinuktsak sa office matapos tarayan si Mami Athena, sumigaw ba naman sa loob ng bangka nang "Gosh, its soooo like Bangkok!" Ang pootah, sabi ko nga dapat tinulak niya sa ilog yung babaeng yun para nalaman niya ang difference ng Bangkok sa Maynila eh.

After 30 minutes of gruelling alikabok, traffic, mabantot na katabi sa jeep at sobrang taas na pamasahe. Nakarating rin ako ng ExportBank Plaza. Unang bumulaga sakin yung cutie na receptionist na kapag nakikita ako eh madalas nakangiti saken.

Ten minutes past 11, nag-eexam na naman ulit ako. Ngayon naman, write daw ako ng PR article about this certain website in the internet. It should be 600 words and must be rephrased completely. Heto na naman, windang ever na ulit ako. Jusme, nung nasa Infinite (PR company) nga ako, happy na sila sa 1 page article na sinulat ko. Eto 600 words... over my dead body! Gusto ko nga magbackout nang biglang may bumulong sakin na.

"Galingan mo ha Rica ka dito."

Kaya ako naman eh biglang nagbanat ng braso, sabay twinkle ng mga mata at ginalingan ko ang aking ginagawang article.

Wish ko lang, maging finalist ako sa karir pageant nila.

---

Hayun lang naman ang nangyari sa araw ko. The rest of my kwento is just below... dun sa kadramahan section ko.

But before I forget, ever since nagwork ako sa aking present company ngayon, hindi matatapos ang isang araw na merong textmate na magsasabi sakin na "Do you shave your pussy?"

Tangina, kagabi burat na burat ako sa bahay... nakakita ako ng gunting at... extrang Gilette mula dun sa anik anik na binili ko sa Cherry's 2 weeks ago.

Amp, kapag next time talaga na may nagtanong sakin nang "Do you shave your pussy?"

Hihiritan ko talaga nang "wanna suck may shaved birdie?"

Ewan ko lang kung hindi agad-agad, terminated ako. Wehehehe.

Notes From The Gran Emissario

Royal affirmations were given today from the worlds visited by my emissaries this week.

Although most of them only hinted their interest to annex me as part of their dominion, the mere fact I recieved a favorable response from them made me more confident in moving out and seeking my new patron. Still, my overlord hasn't responded yet to my formal apology and it is really pushing me to send more emissaries in hopes of securing my interests in the event of being dropped off in the middle of interstellar space.

Now I am convinced that he took my blunder personally. Too bad, he never gave me a chance to vindicate myself.

The last Royal Audience I had today was very enticing. A court elite hinted that I should do good in impressing their patron for the elite said her graciousness is very known for her opulence. The gran emissario reported to me that I could be recieving as much as twice as what my present lord provides for me.

Although the services I am obliged to give to their patron would be twice as difficult as I am giving my overlord, her graciousness is quite too difficult not to take notice.

Right now, there are three worlds out there who are interested in taking me in. Im pretty sure that by next week, such worlds might even double. The longer my overlord alienates me and the more I looses his favor despite my efforts to improve my realm.

The more I begin to resent and see the whole issue as something that is unfair for me..

Now that I have a go signal from my mom despite her reservations for me to use the jump gate going to another world once again,

Then I guess, I could begin to write the first few sentences of my famous secession speech.

---

On the other hand.

I visited my former patron and paid gestures for the good memories I had with them.

Indeed, despite the hardships I have experienced before under their control. Despite the overtimes and 6-day tolling I have done for them, our pioneering works had paid off.

Right now, more opportunities are coming their way. My supervisor, who had done me all the kindness and understanding a good guider could ever give, looks much more better and less haggard than the last time we saw each other.

I told her my issue, and she adviced me to save my own ass.

But what touched me most is her revelation, of what I gave to the team we have pioneered that brought them to the victorious state they are today.

She told me that I was the one who introduced to them the wonders of wikipedia. The wonderful website that lets its users tap humanity's knowledge with just one click of the search button. She said, it was my legacy and it proved to be very useful to their efforts.

Her words made me smile. At least, I have not been a bad apple to them.

Her words had become my inspiration now that I am beginning to doubt whether am I spreading enlightenment, or have I become a bearer of pandemonium.

Resolutions and Realizations - Act One

And so, the counter strike begins.

In order to protect myself from the looming termination, I began sending my "emissaries" to different "worlds" across the "universe." Somehow, my actions made me sane for a while since it seems like there are a lot of "worlds" out there that needed my "talents." Although that means competition and new adjustments, I guess this is better than spending a Chrismas completely penniless.

As of the moment, I still cannot divulge the names of the "worlds" where my "emissaries" had been to. Suffice to say, the "emissaries" made some progress. In some ways, I am beginning to feel that what my boss did after was an injustice. I am starting to think that he took the incident that happened personally.

Like what I've said in the comment box, there were others in the office who did more major blunders than me. But they never experience the scourge that fell upon me. Even though I was late for 10 out of 11 days, there were others who were late for 11 days. Sinulit ba. The others guys would not even inform the boss if ever they will gonna be absent. At least ako, kahit absent sa work, sa bahay nagtratrabaho.

So even though I was late all the time, I never incurred any absences.

Besides, I have this gut feeling that Rica Paralejo is insinuating the boss to turn against me. I don't know why he hated me so badly when in fact, I never did something to him. Am I just paranoid? I don't know? But I observed that ever since the boss berated me last Sunday, Rica seems to be in high spirits during the two days we have been in the same shift together.

It's like he's telling me... "buti nga sayo, sipa ka na."

I don't want to sound bitter about it. But honestly, if ever things won't change after the boss returns from his business trip abroad. If he continues to dedma me at work, I will surely resign out of delicadeza. I swear, I won't wait for the time when he would bluntly tell me straight to my face to leave the office.

I can't simply accept such humiliation.

Anyway, Let's give the situation at least two weeks for things to take its course. As of the moment, I would intensify the overhaul of my image so that he would see drastic improvements the moment he sees my progress report at the end of the month.

---

On the other hand, the incident made me appreciate my job in a different light.

Ever since last sunday, I began to reach out to our goddess in Australia. I was even making bola to her, just to implicitly say that "if ever they kick me out here, I hope you would intervene on my behalf."

As day passes, I feel like my death comes near. I have began to feel a sense of higher respect for my job, my cyber "boyfriends," "flirtmates" and "girlfriends" and of course, Mami Athena, who had been my number one protector every time someone bosses around me.

I have began to treat my job in a very special way, because I feel that I would be loosing it sometime in the future - perhaps because of termination, or even resignation.

Guess this is how you feel when you know that your time of passing is near... everything becomes much more special because you know,

Those things you hold dear would eventually come to an end.

Just Like You Fuck Back (Getting Back At Someone Who Ditched You Before)

"The interview was scheduled roughly two weeks from now. If I would be endorsed by the other call center for a one week training without pay, perhaps by that time, I would have completed it already. Perhaps if they would take me for training, I am already two weeks into my work in that Outbound Call Center in Ortigas.

Sad to say, I don't know where to stand... or what stand I would take. I wish I can make that sacrifice of waiting for WEST. But E-Pacific Global knows too well how to make their potential agents work for them.

I fell in love with West, and right now my thoughts are with that company.

I just hope they... would eventually feel the same."


Just Like You Fall In Love,
Blog Entry, July 13, 2004

---

Dear Diary,

It's been almost a year since I last wrote this entry about my admission of love for West Contact. Yeah, it was the company I really put my heart into when I was applying in a call center job before.

And you know why I put so much of my heart on them? It because they gave me hope... it was one of those rare occassions where I would daydream working with them while I was in training at E-Pacific Global. Its because I thought it was all worth it. I thought they were really interested in me.

The hardest thing to accept - until now is, they fucked me up right at the final interview. They failed me for some reasons I still can't understand. And you know what, after that painful interview, all those call centers I applied for afterwards had a great time turning me down...

It was one of the lowest point of my life.

---

But it was a year ago and things have changed very differently.

Two jobs and a more stable financial platform later, I found an add in PEx saying that West Contact is hiring people who would work for their Yahoo Account.

Being the very sneaky person that I am, I decided to submit my resume in hopes that maybe, when I get fucked up here at work, I would just tell my boss that I quit... then I'll be off to a new company, hoping that I can patch things up with what they have done to me before.

How ironic that I only learned to confidently engage a conversation in English, here, in a job that doesn't demand one to speak that language - only in written one. And it became my useful tool in selling myself there.

I easily passed the computer exams and then the preliminary interview.

At first I thought I was a goner again. But I really believed that I have the credentials they are looking for.

Besides, I knew they were looking for someone who has the mastery of the language, the skill to read, proofread and edit articles - which is my best cards in applying there since I took up Journalism back in College.

It would be just a matter of time before they call me back a week after my first interview.

--

And in two weeks they called me.

I think Mami Athena heard our conversation since she was in the same room where I was at that time.

I was asked if I could do a night interview, which was quite a hassle for me but its okay. After all, the thought of being accepted into the second stage just thrilled me to death.

Despite my busy schedule that day (Thanks to my ever loving sister), I made it to West. The person who interviewed me was the Operations Manager.

One remark that did bothered me a lot was when she commented about my past work habits. I have to admit, that ever since, I never stayed in a job for more than 6 months. Its either I got bored or.. I something epical came up that I needed to life change there and then.

But resigning at Infinite Ideas Ad Agency was a different story... I resigned really not because I was asked to return to my dad's company, but because I felt that all the people I cared about in that company are also leaving.

I just can't bear the thought that I have to stay in a company with new strangers to work with.

---

Anyways, the interview went smoothly. I gave the Operations Manager a hard time by asking questions about the work we will have to do since I want to project an image that I was extremely interested in the job.

And it seems like they are still groping to the nature of our work.

But you know what, I am really interested in the job - the mere fact that I could surf Wikipedia.Org just excites me. And despite everything, I was really willing to jump ship to join them.

For a week. I seeked people's opinion about the decision I will make. My mom - even though she was very hesistant.. no.. against the thought that I would shift careers again for the Nth time finally gave me a go signal execute what I like.

Her loving sister, who acts like our matriarch these days also gave me a blessing to move on.

Even my bud was very supportive to my idea. Roy, on the other hand was overjoyed to the fact that we would be gym-mates since he works out near the place.

God, this is the dream that I've been waiting for. Finally I will get to work at Makati Business District!!!

One week was a long wait... and despite the positive responses from people around me. I never consulted it to the persons that are... well, very very close to my heart right now.

My colleagues.

Especially Mami Athena.

---

You see, I am very very happy working with my colleagues. I don't know if they feel the same way towards me. But you know what, seeing us working together and laughing during our shift makes our job a little bit less stressful.

Despite the fact that we have to do the same routine over and over again.

If there's any good reason for me to leave this place... it's because of one person only. I won't delve into details. But I feel that he's using his position to bully me. But its alright, I believe that

I have the support of my team.

Besides, my boss is caring and good enough to keep me well under his enlightenment.

Anyway, I recieved a call from West two days ago.

They were asking me if I could report to the office that day to sign up my contract with them.

Although I am sure that its easy to leave here and make excuses for my actions, I contemplated my would be decision for one last time - I asked Mami Athena's advice.

She said, its okay. I should find my own calling.

I know she's right. But I felt something different with the way I recieved her words... something warm, soothing yet invisible pinched my heart that moment and made me decide that once and for all,

I wont leave this company, especially now that I found my heart here.

--

You see, I've realized at that moment that money, position, power and ambition is not really important if you are working with people who very much inspires you.

Who makes you feel at home.

What's the use of having to earn a lot of money if you don't have friends in that company and the threat of being bullied by everyone is always imminent.

After a few minutes of contemplating, I said to Mami that I think my heart has spoken.

And she very much agreed with my reasons to stay.

At the same time, I asked my boss for some clarifications about my job, which he clarified immediately.

Though I never told him that somebody wants to "pirate" me, I made it sure that in between the words I said, there lies my message that conveys a need for assurance - - that I would be secured with this job.

After all, I have sacrificed Convergys and West Contact for this one.

Also that day, I signed my formal contract with the company I am working with right now. Finally, I am all theirs.

I also made a pact with Mami Athena that I won't leave as long as they would remain.

In fact, now that I'm writing this down... I think I could stay here for the rest of my forever, if they are the one's who would be my colleagues for life.

Maybe next time, I would write an entry about the people I'm working with. I will write about their quirks, their personalities, how people sees my company as a small carnival and what this company have that I never saw in E-Pacific or in SENCOR.

Now that its finally over, this episode allowed me to achieve three things: Prove my loyalty to the company, made me realize how important my colleagues are to me. And finally, I have got back at West by turning them down right at the very day they offered me the contract.

Fuck the two interviewers who Fucked me before!

I just have vindicated myself.

I just hope that I played my cards well. I'm not really sure if someone from the office would ever get to read my blog. But if ever someone finds it...

Yeah... dude, ateh, mother, father, sir... I gave up another future to be with you.

The Silent Years

As projected, I have already retrieved almost 90% of my lost mp3s. I also found out that there are some CDs from my collection that are missing. Limewire also allowed me to add another 50 more mp3s to my collection.

---

For the nth time, we had a meeting last night about the future of my dad's late publishing company. This time, someone wants to buy out that said company. However mom and her partners won't agree to the idea.

If you'd ask me, I'd rather let it stay bankrupt this time. Nobody will buy those papers anyway.

---

The Sims2 was properly installed and is already working in my computer. However, I haven't played it yet due to the fact that I was engrossed the whole time in retrieving my lost files. Malalaro ko na lang siguro siya after its third expansion has already hit the markets.

---

Phanks stayed here last night. For the first time, the lyrics of the song "Tuwing Umuulan At Kapiling Ka" - Eraserheads remix suddenly made sense this morning after we... while it was raining cats and dogs outside.

---

Lastly, I've realized that the world is too uncaring and sad for a lot of people - not only here in the country but also around the world.

Imagine, there are people who would spend 99 cents just to send a text message to companies just to have someone to talk to.

And there are people who makes a living by just responding to their text messages. And mind you, they earn as much as a call center agent would earn.

You know what, after waiting for Convergys to call me back, someone took my interests away. I really don't know how would I tell people that I would earn a living by chatting 8 hours a day.

Yeah, I will become one of those text operators who's objective is to respond to sms messages of lonely and horny people around the world.

That will be my job.

And training starts this afternoon.

Bummer Days

In order to save money (which I actually got yesterday thru my ATM account), I never left the house today.

---

Unfortunately, I spent the whole afternoon arguing with mom (which almost ended up at the emergency room of some hospital near our place...) Good thing, I arguments swerved when it became too heated. I promise never to have arguments with her regarding our fucking publishing business. From now on, I'll just shut up if those things are being brought up. and drown myself with illussions of discovering 5 million pesos in my bank account, deposited by someone who was so careless enough to write a wrong account number.

---

After those tense moments with my mom, I decided to install some PC games in my newly-reformatted computer. However, my Sims2 doesn't work and my Civilization 3 almost failed to install because of my faulty CD Rom Drive. Good thing my DVD-Rom, which doesn't really work almost all the time, suddenly worked today and it was able to read the Civ3 CD. It paved the way for me to install and finally play that game the whole evening.

---

When the training ended last Friday, my biggest worry was how to cope up with an entire week without specific routines and objectives everday. You see, I can't apply to another companies since I am waiting for Convergy's call. I also can't go to the office since it isn't operational since last last Friday. My SSS business was already completed last Tuesday, so I have nothing to do for the rest of the week.

The bum episode I am experiencing now reminded me of my existence last year, when I was also a bum looking for job.

The most difficult thing to bear during these days is how to spend a day without nothing to do. The sense of achieveing nothing for a day is sometimes, too upsetting to realize. It's like having an existence without any purpose at all.

Oh well, at least I've got the chance to surf the internet and play my games the whole day.

Five days to go before the beginning of another week.

And All That Remained Was Emptiness (Last Part)

Sunday.

My lola celebrated her birthday in my aunt's house. It was a huge family gathering where all my relatives are present.

I love these gatherings because mom and her sisters find a time to bond. Besides, food was really overflowing. In fact, I should really make it a point to club this week to burn all the unecessary fats that I have accumulated during yesterday's event.

Late in the afternoon, the teens decided to watch a movie at SM Bicutan. Of course, they were inviting me to join them but I declined.

Mom won't have any company, that's why I have to remain. I spent the entire afternoon reading Noli Me Tangere to refresh myself with that novel. Besides, I was also trying to find a link that can prove that Ibarra and Elias were secretly in love with each other, and not with Maria Clara and Salome.

---

Ever since high school, I appreciated Noli more than its sequel El Filibusterismo. One reason was our teacher in Filipino was a terror. She often surprised us with a quiz before we discussed a chapter of the book. Besides, I find the chapters in Noli lighter and comical than El Fili. Here, Jose Rizal was more focused on details and the different lives of the main characters.

Eventually, I got bored from reading the said novel after piecing up the stories of individual characters from the book. Then phanks missed-called me, which I should have to return call after I recieved it.

He was cranky the whole day. And in moments like those, I know that I'm the only one who could cheer him up.

Ever since he got that scholarship in Benilde, he found the adjustments quite monumental. In fact, I am also adjusting myself since I couldn't wait for him until 9 pm. My energies won't allow me to. Before, I was planning to join Roy in his gym training but I am still short of funds and waiting for whatever career I would be taking.

So the gym have to wait.

---

Anyway, phanks needed some assurances again. After all, it is my primary duty to prop him up whenever he gets upset over things. My bud is a great whiner and his pastimes include complaining about a lot of things. Good thing though, I have already adjusted myself to his habits. In fact, I find it extremely abnormal when a week would pass by and he wouldn't complain about anything.

That is my lovelife. At least, I know that I'm needed.

After ending our conversation, I've realized that I can't leave him in that situation. We have gone this far, and we have encountered even more difficult challenges than his admission to Benilde and how it would change our relationship.

But if you ask me, I would rather break up with him than become a distraction to his plans. I think it is the greatest sacrifice I could offer in order for him to reach his dreams and plans in life.

Sabagay... isa lang naman akong hamak na buddy. Anytime, pwede kaming mawala.

---

That night, my computer was reformatted by my high school friend. We got the chance to update ourselves about our lives and classmates.

He said, a long time ago - all of us were just equals. But after we've graduated in college, things became different. Not only did some of us become successful in their respective careers, they even exceeded the expectations bested in them while we were in high school.

Perhaps, I should have taken a Computer or an IT course back in college. Tech-savvy naman kasi ako eh. Probably, if I chose that path before, I might have been raking a 6-digit salary today. I might have achieved my dreams earlier.

Yun nga lang, I might not have been a writer if I steered my life into that direction. There might not be a Pulsar or a PLU-Imogen today.

---

I lied on my bed that night thinking again of my future; or should I say, what career I would take up that would make me financially sound and intellectually rich. You see, I really don't know what I want at this time. If you ask me, I just wanted a job that is 8 hours a day - two day vacation, a tolerable pay, and a job that would stir up my creativity and quench my thirst to see new things.

Seriously, I am having second thoughts about my upcoming Call Center Career and no matter how I try to feel how the job would look like when I'm already there, I always ended up asking myself... am I for the money or really for the customer service?

But who knows. I haven't been in the floor yet of an inbound call center. Who am I to judge?

---

Fast forward.

I woke up this morning with a text message on my phone. It was my trainer and she informed me that they have already endorsed our application back to Convergys. She said that Convergys would call us for a telephone interview, which would serve as our validation.

I waited the whole afternoon for their call.

Later this afternoon, mom and I went to SSS to ask for some questions about my dad's death benefits. Afterwhich, we then proceeded at SM Manila to buy a pair of shoes for mom.

The shopping left me exhausted and sleepy.

We arrived home half past seven. I went to my room, opened my PC. Browsed PEx then started to write the first few sentences of this entry.

While in the background, Jem's song - Flying High was blaring on my speakers.

The chorus goes something like this:

"But I'm flying so high
high off the ground
when you're around
And I can feel your high
rocking me inside
it's too much to hide"

As I listened to the song, I thought of the people who are very close to my heart; the routines that I will soon impose upon myself; and the freedom that I'll be getting the moment I get a job.

And then, without a trace, I wasn't feeling empty anymore.

It's like a new chapter of my life is dawning.

And All That Remained Was Emptiness (Part One)

I woke up last Saturday feeling empty.

The training was over. I have passed it and soon, my application would be endorsed back to Convergys. However, my first thought after I woke up was about my co-trainees. The thought of you as a group going your own separate ways, never to see each other again is quite saddening. After the mock exam, we were even planning to have a drinking session as a fitting ending for our 5-day training.

But I ended up puffing a Malboro Lights beside Robinson's Galleria across Poveda with the Amboys.

After we finisihed a pack, we said our goodbyes... hoping, that we would see each other in the product training.

But I know, it would be our last time to see each other.

---

Mister Cutie and I had also a good ending.

Thursday, I asked him if it's ok if I could hitch a ride in his car since he's going to Fairview and I'd be dropping off at Cubao to visit a friend. He said it's fine with him, so I had the chance to bond with him ( and one of our co-trainees) while inside the car.

Friday, we found out that only one person would interview us. I am the first one to be interviewed and he was the fourth. After I passed the training, I told him all the things he should do to get the attention of our interviewer who I sensed gay. I told him that while the interviewer asked him questions, he should look straight in the eye of the person and smile as he answers the questions to show that you are confident with what you are saying.

He smiled at me as if to demonstrate what I was saying and then he blinked one of his eyes to emphasize a point. Those smiles and blinking really melted me. Until now, if ever I wanted to picture Mister Cutie in my mind, I would still remember that moment when I found him very charming with those actions.

When it was his time to be interviewed, I bid him "break a leg" for good luck. I think, his interview was one of the longest in our batch and when he emerged from the interview room, he was smiling.

Like me, he also passed the exam. We're both eligible for endorsement back to Convergys.

---

Since I made it a point to return to XP's place after our exam, I decided to join him in the bus so that he would have some company on his way home. Again, I asked more questions about him - his life, his friends, his pastimes. I found out that he was once a member of a university's basketball team and his passion is playing basketball. I also found out that most of his friends have already left for another country and he wasn't a nocturnal person by nature.

I wanted to probe into his sexual activities, his perversions and secrets... but I instead showed him formality since he seemed to be more formal and conservative about his views about those things. At least, he would see me in the same respectable light.

I got off the bus in P. Tuazon. He was the last person I talked to and said my goodbyes to among my co-trainees. If our training was extended for another week, probably we would have ended up as the best of friends there. I think I was the only one who knew him more than anyone else in the batch.

Saturday came and I checked out his profile in friendster... There, I found his profile. His hair was still long when they took the picture, and a girl was intimately close to his face - his girlfriend.

Mister Cutie truly is a straight. I think his friendster account should end all speculations about his alleged "alternative" sexual preferrence.

---

After the training, I immediately headed back to XP's place to report my achievements to him.

I admit, without XP's training, I could not have done it. I might not have the "confidence" I had while the interviewer asked me difficult questions. The 2-hour english conversation the night before the mock interview really did pay off. Not only did I discover that I can compensate my poor accent with sheer confidence, XP also pointed out to me some of my weaknesses that I wouldn't have noticed when I am practicing on my own.

Thank you bud.

---

XP lives with Sonny also a brODDER, who also applied at Convergy's the week before my pre-test in the training center. They also share the apartment with two other guys who works in a call center.

All of them are non-straight.

Since Sonny's bud would also drop by the apartment that night, XP invited me to stay for dinner and enjoy Sonny's cuisine while I have the opportunity.

That night, XP and I headed to a nearby supermarket to buy the ingredients he would need for the Sinigang na Baboy that Sonny decided to cook for our dinner.

While Sonny was preparing the ingredients, XP and I watched " A Touch of Pink," a gay heartwarming movie that we borrowed outside the supermarket.

Nathan arrived two hours later and then we ate our dinner and watched Bubble Gang until bud called it a night.

And yeah, a taste of Sonny's cuisine is like having a piece of heaven in your tummy. I swear, he should really sign up as a chef.

---

The whole bonding thing at XP's place reminded me of a time when James, Sealdi and I shared an apartment in Project 6 not too long ago.

Back then, James was our master chef. His mastery comes from his Kapampangan roots. Since he was working as an English Tutor for Koreans, everytime we would eat our dinner there would always be a Korean Spicy Noodles included in the table.

Back then, we bonded while watching Bubble Gang on the television; James drinks his vodka and Sealdi puffs his Gundam Garam, while I had my Phillip Morris with me.

The couch was infested with pesky higads that came from a nearby tree. James' half completed puzzle was laid on the far side of the sala.

We tried to live a bohemian lifestyle back then. My sex life, though active outside the apartment, was restrained in our nest for sanctity's sake and for respect to my two housemates.

Still, when I wanted to remember of a time when I was extremely free to do everything that I wanted, I would always remember our days...

And last friday, at XP's apartment, everything seemed like a Deja-vu to me. Somehow, it made me missed those days when we had the night for ourselves.

Continuinity

Sapagkat ang paglalakbay ay hindi natatapos dito...
Bukas, sa pagsikat ng araw, babalik sa dati ang
ikot ng aking buhay. Ngunit, sa kabila nito,
hindi na muli akong babalik sa duyan ng nakaraan.

Dalawang taon mula noong ako'y nagsimulang maglakad
patungong Convergys, ngayon, sa kabila ng katakot takot
na kawalang pag-asa na nadarama ko buong maghapon;
sa loob ng aking pangamba at pagdududa sa aking sariling
kakayahan; at sa patuloy na di kasiguraduhan kung
makakasanayan ko ba ang trabahong call center.

Heto ako't patuloy na naglalayag.

Sa labingdalawang nagsanay para sa pagsasalita ng Ingles bago makapasok sa Convergys, kabilang ako sa walong na-endorse pabalik sa nasabing Call Center.

Hindi ko inaasahan ito.
At lalong hindi ko inisip na aabot pa ako sa kadulu-duluhang ito...

Isang hakbang na lang,
nasa pintuan na nila ako.

The Line That Separates The Shadows From The Light

Tomorrow will be the last day of our training.

The five days we spent having a refresher with the english language proved to be invaluable. A week ago, I was barely speaking in English. Today, I was even having a conversation with XP in American when I dropped by his place this evening.

In a span of five days, I slowly discovered new friends. This training gave me the opportunity to meet new people and blend with straight men. Never did I bonded this much with such guys, it's unfortunate however that we only have a day to hang out before we separate and go our own ways.

Surely I would miss the puff sessions we have every morning breaks, lunchbreaks, afternoon breaks and dismissals. I would miss the am-boys and the promil babies who often break the ice whenever nervousness gets into our hearts. I would miss our mini-games, the bleaky view of Pasig and the rest of Rizal province shrouded in smog from the window of our training room. And of course, I would miss Mr. Cutie, who had mystified me during the four days of our training.

This is... a great experience. It really did divert my attention from the looming problems in our publishing business and the rest of the world.

---

However, the resource person said that she's really concerned about my performance.

She said, that despite the training, I still sounded like Filipino especially when I am rattled. And that means I might fall short of the passing tomorrow, If I don't do well.

That's why I dropped by XP's place this evening in hopes of gaining confidence on the way I speak a foreign language. For the first time, I have appreciated his tongue whenever he speaks that way in front of the tropa before.

I admit, having a conversation with him in that way made me feel awkward. It's like expressing something you could have easily said in Filipino, but now you are having a difficulty explaining it to him in another language.

I stuttered at first. But I have observed that as our conversation continues and comfortabily sets in, I was beginning to sound like he did.

I was already speaking his tongue all by myself.

I just wish that by tomorrow, I will still have that tongue during our mock interview.

Tonight is the eve of the judgement day. The only thing I can do now is to close my eyes and think... that this is all but just a passing moment.

Whatever happens, life moves on to begin a new story angle.

Book Of Revelations

"Can I ask you something dude? You may answer it or not..." *

"What is it?"

"What is your preference?"

"What preference? you mean my sexual one? I'm gay, I have a boyfriend (wag ka na lang maingay ha) isn't it obvious?"

"No... I'm just making sure. Who knows, you might be effeminate but still straight... These days, you wouldn't know who is from who isn't. Am I correct?"

"How about you?"

I just smiled...

---

Finally, the cat is out of the bag. I was about to open this question on Friday, however when we had some sorta mini-interview activity this morning, I kinda planned to ask this question in front of the batch but decided to change it for sensitivity's sake.

But during our first puff break this morning, the conversation above just blurted from my mouth out of nowhere.

Now, we are two in the batch. However, during our further conversations later in the afternoon, I've realized that we don't share the same ideals. He believes that there are still "straights" who would love to have sex with guys. I, on the other hand believes that every guy, even the most masculine who enjoys having sex with another guy, whether it be effeminate or parlorista still is a non-straight. He may not accept himself as a homosexual or bisexual, but the bottom line is, he enjoys it and that makes him no different from other gays.

And during lunch, he asked me one big question that confirmed my doubts about Mr. Cutie...

"Anong findings ng gaydar mo kay Mr. Cutie?"

Goodness!!!

Is our gaydars registering the same? Is there something in him that makes our "green" blood tinge with excitement?

But... he has a girlfriend... He plays basketball... He might be a quiet guy, but is Mr. Cutie hiding something? Why are we asking the same question? Why does our 'dar telling the same thing?

---

Ever since that revelation, I starting finding Mr. Cutie even hotter. I even began "discreetly" hanging out with him and the rest of the guys he hangs out with.

But of course, despite his apparent attractiveness, I won't cross the bridge and directly confronts him and his sexuality. Many times today, I was tempted to get his number from the roster and see for myself if he would bite a guy's (not apparent gay) flirting using another phone. But right reasoning prevailed and I'll leave that situation as is.

As for me and my gay co-trainee. We're sharing the same blood... but that's all. Interests and personality wise, we are still different.

I find his aloofness very distracting.

---

We have only a day before the examinations.

Just like what the guys have commented, accent won't be worked out in a day. I still needs to blend my words and look after my pronounciations. I'm still not good with it, and probably I would never will.

I even performed mediocre during our grammar lessons this afternoon.

Therefore, I might probably waltz while taking the exams, and see it in a different light.

That way, win or loose... I would see the english training itself as something sort of a profit for my personal experience.

The Day I Spoke American

We spent the entire session neutralizing our flip accent. For the first time, I've realized how cool it is to speak english the American way. It's like kinda discovering new ways to make sounds you never thought you could do before. Although, I needed more practice in order to make this part of my system. However, I believe that the entire activity we had this day is worth all the investments I poured into attending this training.

Now, I'm looking for a person whom I can practice my new tongue. Fascinating, but I was actually worried this afternoon that I might be fixated into using my accent after we have left the building. Good thing though, the boys decided to have one more puff of cigarette before we left and chatted in Filipino that's why I have reclaimed my local tongue again before I went mingling with the public.

---

Weird, but no matter how I tell myself never to doubt my capabilities, I still fear that I might loose at the very end of this fight. The trainer told us that on Friday, we would undergo a final exam and a final interview in order for our applications to be endorsed back to Convergys. If we fail on that test, we may have to repeat the entire training... or worse, we will get booted out never to return again.

---

I was smiling the whole time while we were pronouncing words that has the sound of "th". I remembered that the very reason why I was encouraged to have this training was because during the final interview, the interviewer asked me to pronounce "three," however, my tongue was so stiff, that all I can pronounce was the letter "t", without the sound of "h." I also encountered difficulties pronouncing words starting with letter "p" and letter "f" since I tend to interchange the sounds of those letters.

I hope that by tomorrow, I would be more confident in speaking our clients language. So that if ever I would be asked to speak again in front of the class, I won't stutter and get nervous which might lead to my ultimate defeat on Friday.

---

Another thing that I have observed today was that, my "gay" co-trainee seems to be distant from among the guys. I don't know, but he seemed to maintain a world of his own - he never bothered to mingle and participate with the affairs of both the guys and the ladies of our batch.

He seems to be happy all by himself.

---

I have also noticed that straight men, especially those in the call centers are actually open- minded and respectful of their gay counterparts. They were even accomodating to our gay compadre. If this would go on till Friday, I might... for the spirit of "sangkabaklaan" to out myself and tell everthing to him.

---

For the first time in years, the words "ang ganda naman nung tsiks" actually came out of my mouth while having a puff session with the boys. And mind you, I wasn't covering up when I said it. It really came out unintentionally and with somehow a lustful tinge.

Does that mean I still have the bisexual spirit hidden in me?

---

Lastly, I discovered that mr. cutie co-trainee has a girlfriend. Oh well, I think not all whammy's have already sided with the rainbow side.

But again... who knows,

he might eventually metamorph in the future. Just like all others do.

---

And more bad news... the day after the contract was signed, the company was still unoperational. Good luck to all of us.

Pains Of Adaption (Season 2)

After almost 5 months of lingering in limbo, I am back to putting up a routine in my life again.

Today was my first day of Foundation Training in TDS. Our facilitator explained that we need to pass the training before our application papers would be endorsed back to Convergys. For the meantime, she said, we should try to take this training more seriously for it would be our final key whether we would get hired or not.

Just like I expected, I am still not in with Convergys. At least, I am doing something relevant right now. It's better this way rather than wake up again in the afternoon worrying about the things I would have to accomplish for the day.

---

I arrived at around 8 am this morning in Robinson's Equitable Tower.

My first impulse was too look for cutie co-trainees so that I would have some diversions while on my training there. However, I found out later that most of them are straight and looks bear-ish. Except for one, who was a swimmer and an athelete. But of course, he's not as goodlooking as one would might expect, this time I really did drop my standards for the basis of who's whammy and who's ordinary.

As for the ladies, most of them are single parent and somewhat boring. They have formed their own group that loosely proclaim "girl power" in the class. There's also this one guy, whom I already detected during our first encounter as someone who shares "my preference." However, the difference between us is that I remain discreet and unassuming in a crowd of people who won't understand.

Good thing I did that.

---

For during lunchtime, the guys and the ladies separated to form their own circles. I joined the straight guys since they invited me to join them in the first place. The gay guy who said that he is "an ocean of serenity" during one of our activities was left out. I've heard the guys while we were eating talking about him and his peculiarities in being gay.

If they only knew...

The first day of training went on smoothly. I met a bunch of new friends (even though they are straight, which gave me a hard time adjusting to their conversations about women) and have proven myself to everyone that despite my lack of experience in working in a Call Center, I remain at the same level with them.

---

Overall, I found myself less inclined towards my prefence when surrounded by people who doesn't walk "my way." The girls, which I found boring since the first hour proved to be more boring during the afternoons. Therefore, I think I am the type of homosexual who won't enjoy the company of women, like most gay guys we see. Despite the overwhelming preference for same sex, and my newly adapted gayspeak I often use whenever I share my story about my adventures in Malate,

By nature, I remain the pa-mhin that I've always been.

What deeply worries me though is that I am not really sure if I would like to have a call center job, especially at a time when I submitted my resume to two other options. Ever since my initial application, I've always been this half-hearted. This is how painful adapting is.

I simply don't know what I clearly want.

---

On the other hand, the contract signing in my dad's company pushed through. We hope that this would be the start of a new beginning for that beleaguered company.

However, I would like to distance myself this time. Running the business simply doesn't appeal to me at the moment.

Simula At Huli

Megamall.

Sabado yun ng hapon, at iyon na ang huling araw ng job fair sa megatrade hall. Nagmamadali akong nagparegister kasama si Paldeng para makapasok sa loob at tingnan kung meron kayang trabaho na tatanggap sa akin.

Sa limang resume na pinasa ko, apat dun ay sa Call Center, ang isa ay sa Accenture at ang huli ay sa isang inakala kong research company pero programming pala.

Ilan sa mga call centers na inapplyan ko ang nagco-conduct rin ng initial interview sa fair na yun. Isa na nga dun ang Convergys, ang pangalawang call center na pinagpasahan ko ng resume noong isang taon,

at siyang katangi-tanging nagbagsak sakin sa exam dahil sa wrong instructions na ginawa ko.

---

Initial interview pa lang, pakiramdam ko nanliliit na ako. Alam kong mukhang sablay ang mga sagot ko, pero mukhang pinalad akong mag-shine sa dalawang kasama ko dahil na rin sa accented kong pagsagot sa mga tanong, at pag-iwas ma-blanko ang isip habang sinasabi ang tugon ko sa tanong ng nag-iinterview.

Totoong nung araw na yun, mas nag-gragravitate ako sa aking failure sa interview na yun, kaya't handang handa na ako sumalo sa unang pagkabigo kong mag-apply ngayong taon, ngunit sa ikahuli, pumasa ako ng interview.

Si-net nila akong kumuha ng examination nung sumunod na araw.

---

Gaya ng kwento ko doon sa isang entry ko dito sa blog, hindi naging madali sa akin ang pagkuha ng exam na yun.

Dala-dala ko ang trauma at takot dahil baka maulit kong muli ang katangahan ko last year. Natapos ang test one, at himalang nakapasa ako. Nakalipas ang test two, at sa pagitan ng aking paghahanda para tanggapin ang pagkabigo ko at pag-asang nakapasa ako sa pagka-hirap hirap na typing test, naawa ang Diyos, pinagbigyan niya ako.

At sa huling test noong examination na yun, pinilit kong patilusin ang galing ko sa written english para kahit hindi ko man sagutin ang math, may malaking tsansa pa rin akong makapasa...

Actually, nung nalaman ko lang na nakalampas ako ng test two, masaya na ako eh. Sa hirap ba naman ng math questions nila eh talagang tigok na ako sa huling eksamen na yun. Pero mukhang mapalad talaga ako nung araw na kinuha ko yung exam na yun.

Hindi lang ako pumasa, na-endorse pa ako for final interview noong sumunod na araw.

---

Sa final interview, baon ko ang kaba at takot na kelangan kong mapa-impress ang nag-iinterview sa akin.

Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan na minsan, binigo ako ng West sa pinakahuling steps ng application process ko sa kanila. Dahil sa pagkabigo kong yun, buong taon kong tinalikuran ang pag-iisip magtrabaho sa call center. Ang enthusiasm na meron ako noon, ay unti-unting napawi na lang sa akin.

Kaya kahit sa Convergys ngayon, alam kong hati ang loob ko sa kung tatanggapin ko ba itong trabahong ito o hindi?

---

Nagkataon naman na yung nag-interview sa akin ay sadyang namang napaka-sarap kausap. Hindi lang nawala yung kabang dala-dala ng dibdib ko bago pumasok ng interview room, sinipag pa akong mag-open up sa kanya tungkol sa kadramahan ko sa buhay.

Palagay ko, doon ko siya na-engganyo; marahil ang pag-iingat ko ng paggamit ng salita ang siyang nakatulong sa akin para makapag-establish ng isang magandang relasyon sa nag-iinterview sa akin.

At iyon ang naging susi ko, upang ma endorse ang aking application para sa English Assessment Training.

---

Kaninang umaga, pinapunta nila ako ng maaga sa Ortigas upang kumuha ng english assessment exam upang makita kung kami ba ay trainable o hindi.

Sa kasamaang palad, pagsakay ko ng jeep sa Agora, San Juan, tiyempo namang lumitaw ang wallet ko at hayun, na-snatch siya sa akin ng hindi man lang ako nagkaroon ng time mag-react.

Depressed, badtrip at dahil wala na ring pera, nagdecide na lang ako umuwi ng bahay. Sabagay, wala na akong nais i-prove sa Convergys kung tutuusin... pero narealize ko na hindi ito ang gusto kong maging katapusan ng aking laban. Masyadong kahinaan kung dahil lang sa pagka-snatch ng wallet ko eh isusuko ko na ang maaring magandang buhay na nag-iintay sa akin sa pagpasok ko muli ng trabaho.

Swerte na lang at hindi nawala ang cell ko. At higit na swerte ko dahil hindi ko binura ang number na nag-inform sa akin ng pageexam ko nitong umaga.

Marahil, dahil na rin sa aking pangungumbinsi at pagmamakaawa-effect, hindi nila ako dinisqualify sa pagkuha ng assessment test. Palibhasa eh ako itong excited bumawi sa kamalasan ko noong umagang yun, nagpasya na rin akong makipagtuos sa tadhana.

Dala ang isang-daang pisong hiniram ko kay mama, nagtungo ako sa Ortigas para makipagkita sa taong naghahanap sa akin.

Ngunit pagdating ko dun, ako ay hinarang ng mga guards sapagkat wala akong ID na maipakita sa kanila. Badtrip pa dun, ayaw nila tanggapin yung rason ko na nasnatch nga ako nung umagang yun kaya wala pati ID ko.

---

At ang pagpapaliwanagan ay nauwi sa isang madugong debatehan.

Simple lang naman ang hiling ko eh. Palibhasa'y ayaw ko na munang kausapin ang contact ko sa taas, eh balak ko sanang magpatulong sa guard upang matawagan ang opisinang aking kelangan puntahan gamit ang telepono ng security office.

Eh sadyang maangas ang manong sekyu, so talagang napilitan pa ako makipagtalakan ma-point out ko lang sa kanila kung ano ang gusto ko mangyari.

---

Plano ko lang naman eh sabihin dun sa contact ko na nakarating ako ng Ortigas, ngunit ayaw akong paakyatin ng guard. Ok naman sa akin na mamaya na lang dapat ang exam ko, pero ang kausap ko na ang nagbigay ng authority sa guard para mapaakyat ako.

10 minuto pagkatapos ng eskandalong nangyari sa lobby, nandun ako sa opisina ng magbibigay ng training sa amin para kumuha ako ng panibagong assessment exam.

Gaya ng nakaugaliang mga exam sa call center, halos puro ingles ang laman ng bawat items sa test paper. Merong test kung saan papakinggan ng proctor kung paano mo bibigkasin ang bawat salitang ingles, at meron rin makikinig ka sa sinasabi sa isang audio message para masagutan ang isang test doon sa examination.

Palibhasa'y hasang-hasa ako sa ingles kaya't di naman ako ganung nahirapan sabihin kung ano ang saloobin ko.

---

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko talaga first option ang magtrabaho muli sa call center. Bukod sa magdamagan ka sa oras, eh talagang untested sa akin kung tatagal ba ako sa ganung trabaho o hindi.

Pero dahil sa committed pa rin ako sa naiwang negosyo ni Papa eh kailangan kong ilagay sa gabi ang lahat ng babalakin kong racket para kumita ng pera.

At siguro, heto lang ang inapplayan kong trabaho na simula pa lang, wala na akong kumpyansa sa sarili ko. Andun nang pinupuri ako ng nag-interview sa akin dahil sa paraan ko ng pakikipagusap (kahit na may mga mali ako sa grammar), pero hindi ko pa rin matanggap na nagawa ko lahat yun, at napansin nila ako...

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Ayoko sana isiping heto ang tinakda para sa akin... ngunit sa sobrang bilis ng lahat, hindi ako makapaniwala na dito nagtatapos ang aking pag-aaply sa kumpanyang minsan ko rin inasam maabot noong ako'y unang naglayag sa pagjo-job hunting.

Nagsimula lang ito sa isang pasikretong lakad para ipasa sa kung kani-kanino ang papel na magbibigay sa akin ng dahilan sa mundo... At sa isang linggo, magsisimula na muling magkaroon ng hulma ang buhay ko.

Matapos ang tatlong buwan na walang katiyakan sa trabaho at career na ginagalawan ko, ngayon, kahit pansamantala lang... maari ko nang lagyan ng routine ang araw araw na ikot ng mundo ko.

Nakapasa ako sa English Assessment Exam. Ang unang araw ng training namin ay sa isang lunes na.