Order In The House

A great debate raged in the House of Jomania for several weeks. The issue at hand was simple, but its effects will create disturbing ripples and painful lessons in the years to come.

It's been more than a month since the family received its share of profits from the Sikyu Agency. You see, the house draws more than three-fourths of its financial resources from the enterprise to conduct its day to day affairs. Rumors are flying that the business is in really bad shape. Speculations also persist that we are being hoodwinked by our business partners. Suffice to say, the trouble at home is more urgent and the idea of resorting to espionage to reveal the truth might further upset the delicate state of our lifeline.

Besides, we can't do anything to overturn the fate of the agency.

Unless we find dedicated creditors who can bail us out.

Following my ways of non-violence, I suggested that we should shift our attention from the Sikyu Business to the more pressing matters at home. Bills are piling up while the sources of income are dwindling. With my own credit obligations to pay and my sister still evading the idea of having a job, some perks must be relinquished for the house to thrive.

---

I was thinking of ditching the gym so I could spare a thousand pesos and several hundred bucks for the money-generating effort. However, it dawned to me that the iron plates feed my will to keep in shape. I still have some markets to maintain, which may prove useful when the situation at home gets worse. I thought of switching to a more affordable gym but its nearness to my workplace and the muscle-building program that I already keep became the deciding factor whether to let go of Eclipse or not.

For my own well-being, I resolved to keep the gym a little longer.

---

The next order of business was to change our cable provider from Sky to Destiny. The shift was easier said that done for we have been with Skycable for more than a decade. From the early years of MTV to the rise of Lifestyle Network and Animax, it was Skycable which opened my eyes to the world. Now that we are being confronted by the same world to adapt to new ways of living, parting is a sweet sorrow.

I was on the verge of signing up with Destiny in the name of survival. However, when my mother expressed her personal reservations, I had to take her thoughts into consideration.

"Meron ba diyan nung EWTN Channel?" She asked me the first time I brought up the idea.

"Ano yun?"

"Yung Catholic Channel na madalas mo naabutan na pinapanood ko kapag inuumaga ka ng uwi?"

"Ah yung may misa sa TV? Na minsan kumakanta-kanta ka pa?"

"Oo."

"Meron yata Ma." I confidently answered.

"Eh yung DZMM Teleradyo, yung pampatulog ko?" She inquired further.

"Ah... ehh..."

I know that the news channels of ABS-CBN are exclusive to Skycable. And I know that my mother keeps her inner peace by tuning her attention to that AM radio station late at night. After studying the strengths and weaknesses of the two cable providers, I learned that Skycable knows how to address its customers' concerns better than its distant rival.

Besides, I won't pay another two thousand pesos for a connection fee.

So a decision has been made a few days ago. Recognizing the contributions of Skycable to my cosmopolitan upbringing and the hidden pleasures my mother is getting from watching her favorite shows when everybody is sleeping, I chose to remain with our cable provider despite the hefty bills I have to pay every month.

"Let me confirm Sir Mugen, you are requesting for a cable downgrade from Gold to Silver, is that correct sir?"

"Yes."

"Alright, please hold on for a few minutes while I process our new arrangement."

Five channels has been taken away from my subscription.

One of them was Discovery Channel.

---

Still, the cost cutting measures weren't enough.

Aside from the regular blood-letting for the laptop computer that has never been mine, I still have eleven months to go before my new mobile phone's payment will be paid in full. Without the utol to support the household needs, my salary is insufficient to keep us from sinking.

Knowing that the greatest thorn in my budget is the postpaid Globe line, and realizing that I can do without my digital connections to the people around me, the final verdict has been accepted and will take effect at once.

Three thousand pesos will be slashed from my monthly bills.

After four years of enjoying a postpaid service, the line will be deactivated before the week ends.

Overcast

Maybe it is the dark grey clouds heaving with rainwater that is turning you blue. Or perhaps, the drenched pavements and empty street corners that is causing your gloom, but I cannot deny that the weather is turning you frigid and lifeless lately. Sprinkle the mood with some disappointments and you find yourself in a bottomless pit of sorrow. No matter how many ways you cheer yourself up, you find yourself crashing back to the same ground you long to escape.

The culprit isn't really the weather. We can bear seeing overcast skies and sunless, dank grounds but to find yourself in a spot where you only see a bleak hope of redemption, you wish you had another life - or someone else to pull you up.

But there is none.

Not even the boys you were raving a few days ago.

So here you are, scribbling your thoughts in the blog in hopes of casting out the lingering feeling of heaviness. This is your confession, and despite being read by everyone, you still write and expose your wounds. "They could care all they want," you say to yourself. "But it is I who can truly get out of this rut."

Right now I can still feel the pain you bear. You met your best friend yesterday. She had a crush on you back in high school. You saw each other because she is getting married next week. You didn't feel bad because of some missed opportunities, you weep because between the two of you, she's able to stand better on her own.

Suddenly, you feel the smallness of your achievements: Her, being a non-graduate earns thrice the salary you are getting. She can list down all the perks of her workplace with a grin, while you, can only boast your blinded loyalty to your work with embarrassed smile.

"But you can always switch jobs, especially with your credentials!" She tells you.

You can only answer her with one word. "Promotion."

And so you went home, soaked, after walking under the rain because you were too stingy to buy an umbrella. You opened the door with your eyes still drunk with fading images of your best friend's mom blissfully cleaning their small apartment with nothing else to worry in the world. Both her kids are working, the eldest will get married in a few weeks, and another person will add more income to the household. You can't help but envy them, and hope at the same time that your mother would someday feel the same. You found your mom in the living room and without catching your breath, told her about your best friend. Then you announced that you recommended your sister for a start-up position in your company. Your mom wasn't eager to hear the news. Beset with troubles about the Sikyu business' failings and your sister's apparent unwillingness to do anything to lend her support, her attention shifts from listening to your message of hope to the spiraling events being reported in the evening news.

---

The sister gave her half-hearted nod when you discussed things the night before, but when she woke up this morning, you immediately felt her disinterest and hesitation. It's like she decided to remain living within the red box of her twisted ideals. A family conference was called to agree on a decision. You stated the facts about your work, and for reasons you cannot fathom, some details appeared revolting to their senses.

"But I once ran a business that involved exposing the flesh!!" You growled "My job isn't like that. You think my work is exposing me?".

"Besides, if she do good, she will be assigned to the account that fits her academic background!!"

But they never listened. Instead, you feel them moving backwards like they dreaded the very thing that will put food on the table and pay the mounting bills.

I knew it would disappoint you. Their decision would leave you fuming with rage. While you were staring at the mirror this morning, I saw your red eyes welling up with tears. You cannot understand how they could afford running like headless chickens, while you, imagine a Glock Pistol pointed at your head. A slight twitch of a finger on the trigger and it's all over.

You are set free, while they, would have to fend for themselves unprepared for the days to come.

You slipped the uppermost button of your shirt and walked slowly towards the master's bedroom. The sister apologized and promised you that she will find another job. You faked your smile, knowing it was all lies. It was the second time she ditched your offer. The last one went to a friend who is now earning more than what you get. Your mother tried to console you, you gave her a hug but a shard of glass remain embedded somewhere in you.

You left the house this morning wordless,

with no destination in mind.

---

So,
So what I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
and now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

- Pink, So What

After Eden (First Part)

I.

They kept telling me that everything had a reason and that my presence there had a purpose. It was meant from the very start and what was needed from me was a clear mind and an open heart.

A few weeks back, my aunt told me that utol backed out from their planned retreat. Since it was already paid, she asked if I could go on leave from work to take my sister's place. Fearing that a decline may lead to a fall-out of favor, I said yes to her invitation. I could just tell my superiors that I have to go on-leave to focus on my thesis. They would not dare question my two-day absence.

II.

Things were not doing well at home a few days before the retreat. The Sikyu has not yet deposited our salaries to our bank accounts, mom was not feeling well, our finances were dwindling, and my sister turned the house into a refugee camp. Last month, I ranted at how she stayed elsewhere leaving me to look after our mom. To avoid getting bad rep for spending the night in the streets, (don't ask me why) she brought her comrades along, which ironically, consumed everything in sight.

For five days, we were forced to feed several more mouths during breakfast and dinner; added several bars of bath soap in the bathroom and the kitchen so they won't use ours for their hygiene needs; and cleaned their mess when they leave late in the morning. They were freeloaders beyond understanding and the sad part was, mom turned a blind eye on everything.

Last Tuesday, my fuse ran out. I found out that some loser guy used my facial scrub to clean his acne-infested face. That kid could have seen hell had he stayed longer that morning.

III.

Tuesday afternoon was a living hell. There were so many errands to do and no sister to take away some burdens. I had to juggle my sideline, the packing of things for the retreat the following day, my mom's grading sheet which I had to encode to beat the deadline and a planned visit to a friend's mother who was confined at a provincial hospital later that evening. I was so busy with so many things that I had to inform my aunt I would arrive home at past midnight.

Drained, I was in no mood to share my burdens at the retreat. I thought the whole activity was a waste of my time. With my mind muddled, a heart hating, and a tomorrow that is uncertain not even the unplanned chill-out in Tagaytay that night lifted my sagging spirit. At the back of my head, I was thinking of Crayola Boy and how our one night stand last year gave me an hour's amnesia. I did arrive at my aunt's place at past midnight and after listening to a male cousin unburden his artistic repressions at 2 in the morning, I resigned to bed with one thing in mind.

To look for a karir at the retreat.

---

-tobecontinued-

Endings Of A New Kind

Mga bagay na aking haharapin sa pagdating ng bagong buwan:

---

bum sister doing nothing to find a new job.




half-brother suffering from an old and fatal illness.




family business still in peril (and on the verge of collapsing).



how to let a tiny enterprise take off.

---

Marami ang kailangan pagtuunan ng pansin at marami ang mga bagay na dapat asikasuhin. Subalit sa mga nangyayari ngayon, tila hindi ako handang maglayag sa malawak na karagatan ng buhay na aking kailangan tawirin. Sakaling ang hangin ng tadhana ay umihip kontra sa aking lupang nais marating, palaisipan kung saang dalampasigan nito ako dadalhin.

---

Photos taken from inside the Pacific Plaza Towers in Fort Bonifacio. Three weeks ago, a classmate from the Masters offered her place to have our second to the last essay writing workshop.

Describing her home as elegant is an understatement. My eyes have never cast its gaze to such wondrous opulence like what I've seen around me: Wooden carvings of Buddha from Indochina; silver dining set brought from London; fine linen draping over her rounded glass dining table and bottles and bottles of red and white wine from around the world stacked in her minibar. Never will I forget the huge forest mural clinging against the wall across from where I sat; and her state-of-the-art flat screen TV whose dimensions rival those of my double-size bed.

Lucky I am to be given such opportunity, for I know, it may never happen again.

And in times my reverie affords me a time for remembering, it will be the same memory I will keep playing over and over in my head in hopes that someday,



These still images wills me to claim them for myself.

Somewhere Over The Shores Of Lucid Bay

5:23 AM

Got out of bed and dragged my legs to my mother's quarters. The last time I remembered before falling asleep was the door was locked and she was taking an early-morning warm bath in her small, rose-tiled bathroom. Mom was already sprawled comfortably on the bed and waiting to fall asleep when I went in to check her out.

Mom: Nakatulog ka na?

Me: Huh?

Mom: Nakatulog ka na sa lagay na yan.

Me: Ah oo, nakatulog na. Ikaw?

Mom: Hindi pa, simula nung nagising ako kanina (I presume she had three hours of sleep after arriving home last night.)

Me: Tulog ka na mama. Gym na ako.

Mom: Maaga pa ah...

Me: Ayos yun, para mamaya maaga rin ako makakauwi. Ready lang ako.

I left her room to go down to the kitchen. Hunger was assaulting my tummy and I just remembered the maid mentioned last night that there's a half-slice carrot bread inside the fridge. As I was about to step my foot on the first flight of stairs, a tiny voice stalled my legs for I heard someone calling my name. It was a mere whimper but I knew where it was coming from?

I headed back to the master's bedroom.

Me: Bakit mo ako tinawag?

There was a long pause after my question.

Mom: Mag-gygym ka na talaga?

Me: Sana... bakit?

Mom: Maiiwan na ako mag-isa niyan.

There and then I understood what mom meant. It's been a lonely, sleepless night with only me and her inside the house. Utol was elsewhere busying herself with activities that any practical person would frown. Approaching mom. I tucked her inside the blanket, planted a kiss on her cheek and left the room to go downstairs.

My carrot bread is waiting.

Mom's words will always ring a tune to my heart. I will do my steel-bar lifting after my shift is over.

Battle Simulation

Consider this a response when recession hits the house of Jomania:

Expect to stand alone. With the sibling still in the process of looking for means of living (and a real life beyond the leftist leanings), the house of Jomania will rely on your meager earnings to survive its day to day affairs. Without the Sikyu, you will be running at merely a quarter of your spending capacity. Fortunes will turn around, and you will be forced to fight to survive. With credit payments still halfway done, choosing between completion and slow but painful reconstruction will be a strategic decision. Either way, let me assure you that even if you have a thirty grand outstanding balance, you will be able to pay everything before hell breaks loose.

It will not be a problem.

Now let us focus on your phone bill, cable bill and yes, even the gym membership fee. The cost will be between four and five grand a month. House contributions should be pegged at around five grand as well, which will leave you with barely nothing to claw for your everyday sustenance. How about that for starters? There is no assurance that the credit grantors will leave your house at peace. They will not overlook the loans your biz have taken in its many, many years of existence. You will not bear the responsibilities. But for sure, you will never bear seeing the mistress of the house suffer a fate she never deserves.

Any method of resistance you can come up with?

You have spent the entire day searching for ways to hold your walls if this nightmare happens. Life will never be the same for you, or for the household you have cherished. We have been in this mess before, and in one piece you were able to come out with little bruises to dent your skin. But now, we are not too sure how things will end when the dust settles. The weekly night affairs with the groupies will be the first to go. Second would be the unnecessary phone spending, and yes, even the cable service has to go. The gym might have to be ditched as well. There are places where you can still perform the muscle worship at half the price.

There must be a million things running in your head right now. A part, wishes to vent everything somewhere; a part, longs to blame some missteps in the past; and a part, simply wants to flee. Yet, whatever the outcome be, we have the means to stand up and pick our pace whereever we stumble.

The resume is ready in case you need a double job.
And the sibling's resume is at hand, when an opporunity for a job offer unexpectedly comes.
With the buffer fund still intact. Hope that fate, with all its goodness towards the house in the years before, will still be gracious to you this time.

Sacrifices must be performed for the will to survive.

---

"Most of our worst fears don't actually happen. Keep praying. I also offered a prayer for you."

- text message, Tagabukid.

"Just a thought. A country cannot go to war when it faces an internal struggle. A nation crumbling within can never expand its national borders."

- twitter entry, 13 hours ago

The Sign Of Times

"Tumawag si Corazon kanina. Mukhang malaki talaga ang problema ng 'Sikyu Agency' ngayon. Dalawang tseke na ang tumalbog, baka isara ang account natin sa bangko. Wala na rin silang mautangan..."

- 11:30 am

After Me, The Deluge

"At least malaya ka na kapag wala na ako..."

When will my dear mother learn that there is no life after her passing; that I only wagered my human existence long enough to see her enjoying a comfortable life? I don't really care about my future; I don't even have dreams to pick up like a ripe fruit hanging from a tree. I live in the present, and if there are some things I look forward for tomorrow, those things are still within the time frame of her earthly presence.

I understand that she is just tired, exhausted and frustrated with the things happening to her. She complains of endless body pains, of regular medical check-ups and long-list of prescribed medicines she have to buy for her roster of illnesses. She worries about the growing debts of our Sikyu Business and my sister's resistance to do something about her bummed bliss. Mother has indeed grown old, for the last time I heard such pessimist remarks were from my grandparents when they were at the twilight of their age. Passing is imminent that I have already accepted, and no matter how I think about what lies beyond, the only thing I see is an end.

An end which I am ready to take whether I'd be called or not.

Today I declare an emergency Jomanian Holiday. I will leave the house in the morning to have my weekly spiritual fix (and pray for my sister and a couple of friends who will exercise their resolve to find a means of living this week) out there in the ridge, then go to the most extensive hardware store to buy those stainless steel safety rails for our bathrooms (because mom tells me that she cannot lift herself anymore) and spend the rest of the day having a mother-son bonding at home.

Hopefully it would cast away the gloom that has been a fixture in the house lately.

---

Last New Year, my sister and I had a bonding with my cousins over several bottles of beer. We talked about the lives we have and how we look forward to strengthening our blood ties as we grow older. When we talked about our mothers, (because our moms are siblings) many of them expressed uncomfortably at how their mothers take control or sometimes manipulate their adult lives. (and they are torn apart between living elsewhere and staying with the family only because they want to get out of their influence and try their luck being on their own) Me and my sister could not say a thing. We could not understand their grievances for we have already learned to put our lives in-sync with our mom's.

Now that I think about it, we would be left most vulnerable and destructive when she moves on.


*après moi, le déluge

remark attributed to Louis XV of France; used in reference to the impending end of a functioning French monarchy and predicting the French Revolution.

Instaboylet

"Pare puwede ka ba makausap?"

The tone of his text message revealed a sense of urgency. Instead of responding with another text message, I immediately called his number to get into the heart of his distress call.

His name is Zoey, a straight tropa back from college. We may not see each other regularly but in times of trouble, I usually get the first SOS message. So I knew how to act and this time my hunches were correct.

"Na trouble ako dude, may kilala ka kayang nagpapa-room for rent?"

It didn't take long for me to figure out his story. Apparently, his life is under threat from elements he has no idea. His hassles began after a series of affairs with women of acquaintance last week. Being a marketable bachelor, it wasn't hard for him to get the attention of the ladies he wanted.

I would have referred him to a friend who might know someone who offers his space for rent but the tone of his voice required a delicate maneuvering. We have been this way since college. When thing get beyond his control, it was me who often takes the burden away from him.

Realizing that he needed a company, I offered my place as a sanctuary. It would be like the old days again except this time,

He knows I am not straight.

---

Afternoon came and our updates became increasingly recurrent like how lovers send text messages to one another. Maybe I was exaggerating our digital exchanges for I was feeling a little mushy at that time. Who wouldn't be, I was blissfully having a stroll around the tree-lined roads of Diliman as tracks after tracks of Alternative Music played on my iPod. Sun rays peaked through the canopy of trees giving the surroundings a portrait of a perfect sunset. Sweaty joggers passed by but my mind was elsewhere. I was painting a scene of two male lovers exchanging vows of companionship under the clear blue sky.

The daydream would have went on if not for Zoey's request to pick him up in his office somewhere in Roxas Boulevard.

And so I left the serene landscape of my university to wade through the chaotic streets of Manila. An hour later, I found myself in Zoey's lobby waiting for him to leave his cubicle. He showed up 15 minutes later visibly distraught at how his charms backfired on him.

---

"Ikaw kasi eh, dami mong tsiks." I jested to the visibly annoyed casanova.

The journey going home was uneventful. There were no car chases or hooded men on bikes following our cab. My companion would call a family member or two to inform them of his whereabouts. He was visibly exhausted after days of sleeplessness. We proceeded directly to my room when we arrived home. There were no awkward introductions to housemates because I was assured that I brought home someone my mother knew way back from long ago.

It was like the old times again.

Zoey was the first guy I met in college. I remember our first introductions beside the stairs while waiting for our class to start. He was my platoon mate in ROTC so there were times he slept over at my place especially when we were needed to report in the field at 6 in the morning. There was even a time he was my Valentines Date after our dates ditched us that morning. We watched a movie together in Megamall and ate lunch in one of the restaurants at the ground floor. Despite the good times, our friendship was never an ideal one. We drifted apart sometime in our sophomore year after a brief confrontation about the reality of our friendship. He wasn't used to being looked after especially by a guy who is far taller than him. I had long suspected that our unbreakable bond fed the imagination of everyone and he was being pressured to push me away lest he might be seen as someone tripping over the homo line. I pulled back after that confrontation and found someone who appreciated my devotion as a tropa.

However it was us who drifted apart after third year and Zoey continued to linger on even beyond our university years.

He changed into his sleeping attire when we entered my room. There were no conversations after we lied on the bed for I already sounded the alarm as a precaution for a possible assault. We never had histories of being intimate but knowing how I respond to provocations, a slightest hint even from a long-time tropa like him will be met in kind. I cannot deny that he perfectly fits the profile of guys I flirt in Malate and what held me at bay was my no-first strike policy in any intimate matters with men.

Zoey fell asleep immediately after placing his head on one of my pillows.

---

The night was a fairy tale which allowed us to live a life like we had a decade ago.

I woke up Zoey at past ten thirty to have our dinner. In our younger days, we would eat at the same time after exhausting our senses playing Need For Speed or Worms Armageddon the whole evening. That night, the maid prepared Pork Adobo and Hard Boiled Eggs for our supper. Mom was watching her favorite telenovela in the sala so they were able to update each others lives while the table was being set for our hapunan. After dinner has ended, we went out to get some fresh air. The truth was, we just wanted to puff a stick of cigarette and have a little bonding time for ourselves. It didn't take long and we're back again in my room. He checked some emails and viewed the Friendster accounts of his ladies before returning to my bed.

Tired and exhausted from my bouts with insomnia the nights before, I only ensured his comfortable return to dreamland before I followed suit.

It's been six years since I outed myself during a drinking session with him. I was happily taken and I felt compelled spilling the beans when he told me his romantic endeavors with girls. He was the first straight guy to know my new-found life and the acceptance wasn't easy; it was a slow and cumbersome process.

Through the years of sticking together, he learned to see me the way he did back in college. I returned the favor by acting as straight as possible when he is around. However, recalling how he nearly provoked me the last time we were left alone in his place, letting him sleep beside me was a huge risk. I didn't even know if it was premeditated or he was ready for anything knowing how two single men of the same wavelength but opposite polarity almost always find themselves in the battlefield called bed.

But control prevailed that night. I have to or I may never be able to stand my ground again. The inconvenience wasn't easy. For someone who barely wears anything in his sleep, I had to put two boxers on and a white rugged sando to cover my muscular body. I even had to wrap myself in a blanket all night and put a veritable distance between us to ensure that no moment of hostility could ever exist as we slept. For the first time in many years, I was able to lie down beside another guy without any incident to ponder after waking up the following morning.

The exercise of control was liberating. It was like turning my back from all the years where lust held sway over my man-to-man affairs.

---

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Umaga na. Subalit anumang pilit ko bumalik sa pagtulog, sadyang pinigil ako ng insomnia para mahimbing muli.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Gising na parekoy. May pasok ka pa sa trabaho.

"Five minutes" ang mahina niyang sagot sa akin.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Pati ang alarm clock ng cellphone ko ay nakiisa na rin sa dalawa niyang alarm clock. Magulang ako, pati sarili kong body clock ay dinadaya ko upang mapahaba lang ang mga oras na gising ako. Nagdesisyon akong mag-gym ng alas-sais ng umaga.

Bumangon siya matapos ang sampung minuto upang maligo. Ako naman ay nag-ayos ng kama at nagbihis habang nag-iintay sa kanyang pagbabalik. Matapos maligo, ako naman ang bumaba upang magsipilyo at maghilamos. Umaga na nga... oras na para bumalik sa aming kanya-kanyang mundo.

Lumabas kami ng bahay na magkasabay. Siya ay naka-slacks at barong tagalog. Ako naman ay naka-fitted shirt at maluwag na pantalon. Ang layo ng ayos naming dalawa kahit na iisa lang kami ng pinanggalingan. Hinatid ko siya sa sakayan. Matapos ang ilang minuto ay nakapara ito ng taxi.

Papasikat na ang araw. Ang mga pupils mula sa isang elementary school malapit sa amin ay nagmamadali na makatawid ng kalsada. Sa mga oras na iyon ay naiwan akong nakatayo, mga mata'y sinusundan ang papalayo niyang sasakyan.

Hindi ko man lubusang aaminin ngunit ng mga oras na iyon - mula nang kami'y nagising sa iisang higaan hanggang sa pagsabay naming lumabas ng bahay at mag-abang ng masasakyan sa daan, isa lang ang naglalaro sa utak ko.

It's like all over again.

Para akong biglang nagkaroon ng kabiyak,

kahit ito'y isang pang- magdamagan lamang.

Valentines (Last Part)

Half an hour to go before Valentines Day is over.

The day went by almost unnoticed, like the five years that came before. Five years. That's how long it took before I finally realized that I'm better off on my own. Valentines Day with Phanks was a roller-coaster experience. It was a ride where I both felt being at the crest and base of the emotion called love.

We bore witness to the first Lovepalooza in Roxas Boulevard during our first run. We never kissed, but to be there as a couple was the apex of our relationship. Father died the second year so I never had any story to tell about our Valentines - except perhaps vignettes of grieving and accepting a life less of a loved one. A cold war erupted during our third. The blog never explained the reasons, but I hint that he had other important matters to attend and the occasion simply passed as a mere footnote to his life story. We welcomed the fourth by having a movie and dinner date at Robinson's Place a week earlier. By some divine joke, Valentines Day came to a close with me cuddling someone in bed. Yes, the partner decided to sleep over at my place. I wonder if mother heard the moaning and grunting sounds we made that morning. The fifth I was broke, but we were able to have a decent lunch at Gary's Taft despite a heaving stomach and a broken soul. Those were my Valentines days with him and looking back at how our time went by, it wasn't as bad as I thought before writing this entry.

However, one thing that is lacking with him is the initiative to steer the wheel. I cannot remember a time when it was he who planned our activities or spent entirely for our dates. It was always my call and had I let him run the show, probably we have never achieved anything at all. Friends were right when they said I spoiled my ex to the brim. I lessened his burdens by taking responsibility over our relationship that it became a one-way affair. How unfortunate that when he finally saw what was missing, I was already preparing to take flight.

We broke up without ever seeing each other.

Despite our tragic past, I sincerely wish that he found solace tonight. It is my hope that somewhere along the road, he met someone deem worthy as my replacement. As for me, replacing him is easy. With a market value that is on the rise, it would not be a surprise if I suddenly speak of romance like I clumsily found it passing my direction one of these weeks.

But there are matters that are easier to ignore than to pursue half-heartedly only to abandoned it at the end.

One of them is love.

And now that I am strong enough to stand without anyone to hold me up, I think it would be best that I remain distant to anyone who would make my heart beat. It is a choice I have to bear, rather than unintentionally hurt people who suddenly find themselves entering my cold space.

---

So how did I spend my Valentines?

Like during the Christmas and New Year's eve, I let Mugen and Darkstar frolic the places I once called home. On the dance floor, we learned how lonely people pretending to be tough disarm themselves when they find someone stronger than them. The dance partner I chose last night had this boundless energy that kept me bouncing and prancing until my legs hurt. I thought he was simply there for the dance but when he pulled my shirt closer to his body, I knew he wanted more.

Suddenly I was reminded of a time when it was me who leaned my head against someone's back. The emotional troubles were simply too much to bear that to press a part of me against somebody was enough to claim a slice of my strength back.

Now it was someone else and when he groped his arms around my body, I responded with even a tighter hug to make him feel needed. He pressed his face against my chest hard enough to let me feel the troubles of his heart. I felt his loneliness; his inner longing for a savior despite being in the company of (fuck) friends. The night concluded with us making out while being surrounded by envious and snooty people looking for their rightful one on the dance floor. When he turned his back to check his buddies, (who took pictures of us while kissing and groping in front of them) I made a hasty exit without saying goodbye. My two needy invisible companions had their fill and getting someone's number wasn't necessary to prolong the deed.

I went to work recalling how Valentines were done in elementary after passing a queue of pupils on their way for their first communion the following morning.

Back then, a pupil would have to dodge a swarm of vendors selling long-stemmed roses and plastic heart necklaces before they can push themselves toward the school gate's entrance. A rose would cost around ten pesos and if you're lucky enough to be given by your sweet mother an extra twenty for your baon, you would spend the extra cash acquiring those flowers and giving them to the teacher of your choice.

The teacher - usually your adviser - receiving your long-stemmed blossom would appreciate the thoughtfulness. She would suddenly express an air of concern whenever she sees you running along the corridor. From then forth, expect your academic interests secured until the school year is over. That is how I learned the fine art of Public Relations. In fourth year college many years later, I was able to use the same tricks to secure a passing grade in Spanish. Apparently, the elderly Senora Soresca never received any flowers from her other students that when he saw me reaching my hand to give her my long stem from Tecson's, it automatically translated to a grade of 3 no matter how many exams I flunked in her class.

Suddenly I missed the days when nobody would greet you "Happy Single Awareness Day" like your well being and sanity depends on having a special someone today.

---

It was Pulsar's turn to run my Valentines according to what he deems ideal.

Immediately after the shift was over, I headed towards the nearby Puregold Supermarket to procure the goods I previously pledged for the Hanap Barkada's Paglingap Outreach Activity. If Mugen finds contentment in hugs and kisses from cute strangers and Darkstar enjoys seeing other heads crane towards his direction whenever he shows up in front of people, Pulsar's satisfaction needs are way up higher than my two other egos. His requirements this time would include two bundles of 11 pieces adult diapers, one 12-roll toilet paper, 5 kilos of detergent soap, and two rolls of cotton. I didn't check how much it cost me, but the sheer enjoyment of doing something selfless for others was enough to compensate for the financial lost.

Pulsar and I delivered the goods all the way to Pasay without any assistance from anyone. We did some tricky balancing act passing narrow aisles inside jeeps and buses and endured seeing couples all over the place busily expressing their love for one another. Had I been a little focused on my state of miserable singlehood, I would never go out to be seen by others in the first place.

But this occasion is different. Seven years; Three failed successive relationships; One chance to enjoy a Valentines I always had in mind. This year may not be the same Valentines I will be celebrating in the years to come.

Because things will continue to change and what truly matters is now.

So I made a decision to go full throttle. It will be the most expensive Valentines Date I will give to people closest to me.

---

8:30 PM, Greenwich Quiapo Hidalgo

"Miss yung Family Pizza Overload please."

"Would that be all sir?"

"Yes, how long would it take before I can get my order."

"13 minutes sir, okay lang ba sa inyo?"

"Yep, ikot lang ako sa labas. Balik na lang ako."

"Okay sir."

---

9 PM 7-Eleven Santa Mesa

"Magkano yung [?]gallon ng Rocky Road?"

"250 po."

"Ah eh, sandali lang ha withdraw muna ako."

After balancing the family size pizza and yawning wallet on my right hand while sliding the ATM card on the machine slot, I was able to withdraw 200 pesos from my account.

"Heto yun 100."

---

Ten minutes later.

"Oi pa-valentines ko sa inyo. Enjoy sa pizza at ice cream!!!"

Dates, Lovers and Friends may come and go. But to welcome the occasion with your family and the needy is I think the most sublime way of celebrating Valentines Day.

Sum Of All Fears

However, the scary reality that I haven't received my paycheck from my dad's last remaining business is a clear sign that sometime in the future, we might be on our own.

And the perpetual threat of some long-time creditors trying to seize whatever remains of my dad's possessions tell us that even my own homeworld might not be there... when that dreaded time arrives.

Like all others, I might become a renter as well.

Voices From The Netherworld
January 16, 2006

---

The wait started last 15th. As everyone basked in their moment of opulence, you were bracing for the worst. Your paycheck from the family's Sikyu Business is delayed again. It happens every year, on this month and on this very payday, but still you never get used to it. Maybe because you feel that as you grow older, the stakes become higher. You feel helpless and guilty that you cannot do anything while your empire crumbles before you. You wish you have your own business; your means to support yourself and the empire your late father had built. But you are a slave to someone else and you know that it would take some life-changing decisions before you take a turn and become a master yourself.

You dread the inevitable because the stakes are higher: Your aging mother will be retiring in a few years; Your sister is still a bum and depends on you to find her a means of living; and the income you are getting is not enough to keep your family afloat. Bills keep coming and when you think about the monthly requirements of your home, dread creeps the length of your spine. You value your ways of living so much that a slight deviation from it leaves you suicidal. You feel that everything will bore down on you and the thought of how unprepared you are for it makes you call the heavens for help. That's why you wait, and hope for this salvation from the Sikyu Agency to come.

Days trickle like unwanted liquid left to drip from a faucet. It splats on the sink leaving tiny millions of droplets exploding all over the place. Exploding, Yes. That's what you feel every time you check your ATM balance. Exploding, Yes. That is what your heart screams whenever you calmly talk to the call center agent of your bank.

Your mother told you to be cool, and brace for the worse. But your head is stubborn and keeps running multiple situations that you should never think yet. You tell yourself never to face a battle you are not prepared. But how can you prepare when your resources keep dwindling and will not last you until summer is over?

Time after time, you look for ways of emancipation. You are tired of being a slave to your fear of the uncertain - of becoming penniless and leaving your family to fend for themselves. You wish to have your own empire; your own army and your own emissary so when you show up at the Sikyu, they will bow down to your might and not the other way around. You always feel that your life hangs on a thread, but despite this predicament, you still have to find a way to act on it.

If only it is you all alone, you will never worry such matters.

A promise has been made last time that the paycheck will come today. It has been broken many times over and you told yourself to accept what hardships would bring Good thing you have two sources of wealth - the Sikyu and the Call Center. At least the Call Center can give provisions to at least barely survive.

But to support an entire household... May God have mercy on your soul.

So again a phone call has been made. This time, hope has already been sapped and replaced by a growing anguish. Pressing the plunger, then the digits, and then waiting for the attendant to answer, you pray.

I've been good.

Ikaw na ang bahala sa amin.

"Hello this is Ben, how may I help you?"

"My name is Mugen. My account number is..."

"I would like to verify your personal info by asking you a few details. What is your home address?"

"What is your date of birth?"

"Please tell me your mother's maiden name."

The background check seems like forever, but in this moment of helplessness, humility is your only solace.

"So what is your question again Mr. Mugen?"

"I would like to know if there is some movement in my balance today."

"If someone has deposited money on my account."

The passing seconds felt like someone has been strangling your neck. You really need to free yourself from this cycle soon.

"Yes sir. [insert the amount of money here] was added to your balance this afternoon."

"Could you repeat that again?" You asked in disbelief.

"[insert the amount of money here] was deposited in your account sir."

Feverish and on the verge of fainting. You heaved a sigh of relief. You know, it's not only you you're thinking. More than anything else, the absence of money is a sign that your Sikyu is in trouble.

"Thank you very much."

"Is that all sir."

"Yes, that's all. Thank you again and goodbye."

---

February is just around the corner. The alarming ordeal is over for now but the next one is just days away

And so, the cycle of fear stars again.

Today (2K8 Remix)

Inspiration in solitude; strength in one-man armada

- MSN shoutout for the day

---

I woke up at eleven o' clock this morning, an hour earlier than my usual rise-up-from-bed-time.

After brushing my teeth, i went to the barber to have my hair done. From now on, I will have to seek gatsby's help to fix my hair. Gone are the semikal days when my head looks like a freshly cut coconut being sold in the streets.

I went home after my haircut. As I crossed the overpass near my place, I passed by an old lady begging under the rain. She was soaking wet and chilling because of the unbelievably cold weather. I would have given her my umbrella if not for the fear of another illness befalling me. With two five peso coins to spare, i parted with my change hoping it would be enough to last her until another passer finds her state heart wrenching.

I arrived home starving. With no time to waste, I took a bath, ate my lunch and kissed my mom goodbye. Despite her silvery hair, deep lines on her face, and significant teeth loss, she still is the most beautiful woman to ever walked the earth for me. I won't be gay if I found someone else better than her. It was past noon and I had to hit the gym. I had to complete my workout if I wish to free my evening for other plans.

The workout went well. I am back to my old program but signs of weakness tell that I haven't returned to my full strength. Halfway through the 110-lbs military press, my arms have buckled down. I had to lessen the weight of the Olympic Bar if I wish to declare my program done. Ever since recovering from Throatie, I didn't miss any single workout day to compensate for my week-long absence. Add to that my significant loss of weight and I'd think that Throatie did good for my fitness goals rather than mess up my well-being.

Still, despite my strong desire to suppress my physical attachment for another, I yearn for an intimate hug from someone. I do not know, maybe it's just my nature. On very cold nights like this morning before I went into slumber, my thoughts dwell on wrapping my arms around a soft, warm object hoping it would respond to my longing. Unfortunately, only a small extra pillow answered to my call of need.

I came to work twelve minutes late. Workout was extended to give way for my activities later. With sixteen pesos and seventy-five centavos in my wallet, I am basically broke. I will have to survive on pancakes tonight prepared by a house help who is worried that I might be skipping meals.

A colleague was absent and I'm running an entire account all by myself. We have talked about her leave last weekend and with the worst of luck, a bout of sickness aided her plans today. The challenge at work is daunting but with no one playing RnB and Mariah on the floor, I can free my thoughts and do what a faux psychic must do: make everyone believe that words can foretell the future.

This one-man show is a test of endurance. The shift falls on a dead zone where most users across the planet are asleep and wandering in their dreams. Resentments may rise, but if we can prove our worth being durable operators, perhaps nobody will speak of us being sheltered from the deluge. If goals are met even if I stood alone, others will see our worth like everyone else across the shifts.

When work is done and my shift is over, I will have my only off for the week. I will do my midnight shopping in Divisoria wishing to add more gains to my list. After all the errands have been done, I will arrive home weary and exhausted. I just know. I'm running on short supply of energy. When the clock strikes four, it will be bedtime. It is my hope that when I wake up tomorrow, everything will unbound itself from the hands of the clock.

And the day will cease to be planned.

For a change, I will have my slow time all to myself
breathing the cool scent of trees;
letting my eyes shimmer at the sight of a wintry sun
and just forgetting that the grind starts anew when dawn comes two days from now.

The Arousal

He was given the green light to take a bath yesterday, but the patient has decided to clean himself only just now. This is due to being given permission to change his sick-stained sheets this morning, whose pillow covers and blanket reeked of dried sweat, dead skin flakes and filth from his four-day bout with chills. Paracetamol popping had ceased this morning. The fevers are gone and the headaches, well, the patient still experience them from time to time but it does not alarm him anymore. What he fears are the drug's effects on his liver. He is starting to feel strange in his midsection since yesterday. The fan also starts whirling early this morning. With his body temperature back to normal, his feet would require a focus blast of wind to keep itself cooled as it has always been during sleeping time. It is as if the patient is ready to resume his life again, but he should take caution this time.

The doctor has given him permission to start working tomorrow.

And the call of toiling to make a living proves too tempting to resist, but the stress it brings is another story.

Let us see how it goes. What matters is that we are ready to pack up and declare this patient, this stubborn big boy,

discharged.

The Dominus Offensive

It was around 7 last night when Throatie's condition had turned from bad to worse. Last Monday, mom's physician discovered that the cause of my high body temperature since Saturday was a runaway Tonsillitis. She said that it covered the left side of my throat. It was a complete surprise for I thought that the antibiotics which I used to tame Throatie last month would still have its effects. I was dead wrong. The physician prescribed an antibiotic and despite being bedridden yesterday, I was hopeful that the drug would take effect.

However, something was wrong. I noticed that my throat had become more swollen and the temperature never dropped from its all-time high despite my persistent gobbling of paracetamol. The left side of my head was a head-splitting agony. It throbs and when it does, I moaned in pain.

I went downstairs to ask my mom who was watching Dyosa to check the condition of my throat. With a pen light in one hand, she aimed the pen inside my mouth. Her eyes were in shock. Not only were the entire left side of my throat covered with pus, the infection had already spread on the right side as well.

Panic ensued.

Calling my aunt who is a doctor for recommendation, she immediately ordered a change of antibiotics. Fortunately it was my mom who called because my aunt was furiously mad at me. You see, I was told not to go to work on Sunday. However, I love my job so much that I never listened. As a result, I was hours away from a hospital confinement and everyone's lives got disrupted because I was too careless to look after my own health.

I returned to my room because the temperature was again giving me the chills. The struggle to spare myself from being admitted is already over. As my mother and my aunt were mulling over the options on what to do with me, I was inside the sheets groaning and thinking if there's a way to lift myself from my sunken state.

Then I remembered Dominus.

Struggling to focus, I began praying the rosary using my fingers for beads. I was seeking solace from the Virgin, knowing that my head will roll when my aunt sees me the following day. Its been two months since I stopped praying regularly and much as I find it awkward to seek grace again, I thought that it was the least thing I could do.

I knew that serendipity connects my malady at present from the illness of my past. Two months after ex and I became a couple, I was admitted to the hospital for five days because of the same Throat Infection. Almost two months after winning back my freedom, here I am going back to where I was five years ago.

I guess I have achieved a full circle.

Another thing that is strange about this infection is that it is not just the ailment of the body, it felt like a corruption of the soul.

For the past few days, I was having a hard time getting sleep. It might be due to my headache, but I also sensed that something dark and hateful hovered above me. I cannot describe its form, except that it is a shadow. It speaks in my dreams but its words I could not remember.

Looking back, I've been quite cold, cruel and snooty to people this past few months. I get easily annoyed and I had turned vengeful to some. There is a possibility that in my arrogance, something was able to corrupt me. This thought, lead me to go back to my spiritual roots. After all, nothing is lost and people have been so kind to check on my condition even if some of them don't know me at all.

I swallowed the replacement pill at past 9. Mom stayed in my room until past 1 in the morning. I told her that she might catch my virus but she insisted for a mother-son bonding. At 2, I was able to sleep, only to wake up an hour later feeling much better.

At half past four, I swallowed the second tablet while watching cartoons on Nickolodeon. The effects of the antibiotic were immediate. Within minutes, I was sweating and only the throbbing headache remained. Feeling comfortable with my condition, I turned off the TV to sleep. However, my slumber was interrupted by the stinging pain on my head. Between the brief waking moments, what I saw around me was the darkness of my room. However, this darkness was gradually overtaken by pale blue streaks of twilight peeking outside the window.

For the first time, I sensed that something good was coming.

Back to my sleep, I dreamed of a battle. My eyes were wide open and in front of me was a huge phantom that was fast approaching. I'm familiar with these dreams. Once, I saw visions of zombies in my sleep and they were able to capture me to present to their leader. Uttering the words "Jesus Christ" three times triggered a blinding light from a huge pine tree in front of us. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a slope. With new-found strength, I created yellow fiery crosses as a weapon towards the approaching darkness. I hurled them towards the entity and it began to dissipate. Meanwhile, I sensed around four unknown beings instructing me for a proper head position in Gangsta speak. I found out this morning that when proper pressure is applied on the throbbing part of the head, the pain disappears.

I cannot recall the other details of the dream. One may say that my mind must still be in a state of delirium for seeing those strange visions.

However, one truth sheds light to all those scenes.

Though half of my throat is still covered with pus, the phlegm, which almost choked me yesterday is almost gone. The head might still be suffering from pain but it is not as worse as it was last night. The fever remains but the body had found a way to go around it - at least I can produce my own sweat without the aid of Biogesic.

The battle in my dream must be a sign of something:

I might have already reached the turning point.

Recession

It all begins with a drop in body temperature. The air suddenly turns cold and the body begins to shiver. It jerks like an engine on the verge of shutting off. To save strength, the body wraps itself in any warm piece of clothing. The jitters never stop, and one's breath scorches anything it touches. The skin freezes to its icy state and the body crumbles to conserve heat. With eyes half closed, and senses, delirious, time passes and the involuntary shaking ceases. The mind wakes up, only to find the body in searing heat. It untangles itself from the bundles of clothing it used to warm itself. Sweat is required but the glands never produces. Instead, the body suffers from hundreds of tiny imaginary meteoric bombardments - the muscles stirring from its precipitous state. The joints ache and little invisible cracks in the bones form. As the body attempts to move - to seek intervention from synthetic compounds that strike the malady in its heart, sweat dribbles from the skin. It forms tiny droplets of water that restores balance in ones broken organic machine.

A strange lull descends, making the body believe that the recession is over. Intermittent groans break the silence as the body adjusts from its fetal position. Except for a few barks that lurches the chest forward, a deep breath to catch some tepid air, a heavy head that must be leaned somewhere and an occasional yanking to push the phlegm that got stuck on the throat.

Everything appears normal.

Until the cold spell returns, and the body temperature drops again.

Abuso

In case you're wondering why total recovery is still far from sight, the reasons my dear are listed below.

---

Information Retrieved from Twitter Mobile:


November 11-15:44 yaya was right. clouds were heaving and theres an impending downpour. i didnt listen. now im wet. goodluck sa ubo

[arte mo kasi eh, pinapadala sayo yung malaking payong, sabi mo pasira sa get-up. patanggal pogi points. hayan tuloy, inabutan ka ng ulan sa quiapo. napilitan ka pang gumastos ng P50 pesos para sa isang pipitsuging payong.]

November 11-16:23 buti pa yung katabi ko sa fx mainit ang katawan. wag ka mahaharass pag ginitgit kita ha!

[umuulan sa labas, basa ang jacket mo, sobrang lamig ng aircon ng fx, nakakapang-init yung moreno guy na katabi mo. what do you expect, you take advantage of his presence.]

November 11-17:30 ohh the boy is actually a gay! ang init nya ha. sulit din yung isang oras naming magkapiling ha

[and what did you do after you've confirmed his sexuality at nalaman mong trip ka niya? nag-walk out sa megamall habang yung tao eh nag-eexpect na makikipag-trade ka ng number sa kanya. sama mo talaga.]

November 13-11:14 One day to go before day off. Problem is, I have classes. Therefore, it won't be a restday but a school day. Ugh.

[the price of juggling school and work. wala ka tuloy time para manlalaki or at least, matulog man lang buong araw sa bahay.]

November 13-13:04 shit buti na lang crushie ko yung nasa harap or else d ko kakayanin yung 110 lbs 5 reps military press ko.

[that was 110 lbs, 5 reps, four sets and 2 minutes rest in between sets. as for your crushie: 135 lbs, 3 reps, 16 sets, 45 second rest EDT. no wonder, humaling na humaling ka sa katawan pa lang niya.]

November 13-21:54 Sabagay, sino naman kasi ang tanga na 12 hours na walang kain, hayan badtrip ulit si Throatie sayo.

[at least you're now paying attention. you're not superman for christ's sake. ]

Disturbia

Ano kaya ang naging pakiramdam ni mama noong nakatunog siya na mayroong namamagitan sa aming dalawa ni Phanks?

Na-depress kaya siya kasi hindi ako straight?

Nalungkot kaya siya dahil iba ako sa maraming lalaki na kilala niya?

Na-disturb kaya siya kasi obvious naman na may nangyayari sa kwarto ko kapag nag-oovernight si ex?

How was she able to cope up with the truths? I have no idea.

But one thing is for sure, she tried to be as supportive as a mother could be in my relationship. Hindi man ako "out" sa pamilya pero lubusan niyang tinanggap ang aking buddy.

Sana sa susunod na darating ay ganun rin siya.

At sana ang susunod na darating ay hindi lang si Darkstar ang kasundo: Higit sana si Pulsar at si Mugen.

Napalaking pag-unawa ang inextend ng nanay ko sa aking naging relasyon noon...



[muni-muni]



Kung tama ang basa ko ngayon.

Kung obvious yung nabasa ko kanina.

Hindi man ako masaya sa aking nadiskubre subalit kailangan ko rin ibalik ang pabor, ang pagmamahal at pag-unawa na iginawad niya sa akin.

And for once, tanggapin ang maaring katotohanan

at intindihin ang magiging kasiyahan niya.

---

Faded pictures on the wall (It's like they talkin' to me)
Disconnectin' all your calls (The phone don't even ring)
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort (Ooh ooh)

- Rihanna, Disturbia

Throatie

It has been almost five years since I last stayed at a hospital. The cause of such unfortunate confinement: Throat Infection. I cannot remember what triggered the runaway affliction. Was it because of swallowing fluids that must not be taken when your Tonsils are not in a good shape? Or was it because of not paying attention to the antibiotics that you were taking and letting the bacteria become immune to it?

I am not sure.

What I do remember is that the Tonsillitis became so severe that I developed a fever a few days after the throat showed symptoms of impairment. On the fifth day, I was advised by the doctor that a bed rest will not suffice. What I needed were high dosages of antibiotics that will have to pass through tubes that were connected to my veins.

It was the first time intravenous medicine entered my system and I tell you, those were the worst days of my life.

I recovered a few days later, but we had to spend more than 30 thousand pesos for the lodging and the medicines while inside the hospital. My poor mother had to brace through several nights of sleeplessness while I shriveled and chilled due to high fever. The antibiotics that were prescribed by the doctor took days before they were able to rout the bacteria.

Therefore, when my throat gets a little uneasy and I feel a little difficulty swallowing foods,

I cannot help but get worried.

Because I always remember that hospital confinement where a throat infection almost cost me my life.

It's been almost a week since my throat began to act up again. I suspect that it was the night-out last Saturday. I should not have forced myself to go clubbing when I knew I had no more energy reserves for the night. Though it was my fervent hope that I would completely recover after three days without taking any medication, it seems like the Salabat and the chemical reaction from the bottles of beer that I drank backfired on my throat.

Things got worse last night.

I decided to take antibiotics out of fear that it may develop into another runaway Tonsillitis.

However, three tablets and several hours of bed rest later, things aren't improving yet. I did not go to work today to have some rest, but it seems it isn't working at all.

I am a little scared
but I will take my chances.

However, if things get worse...

---

-tobecontinued-

Nay A Time Of Plenty

JOMANIA BRACES AS THE GLOBAL ECONOMIC RECESSION BEGINS

"Expect dire straits ahead," Finance Minister Solviky warns the public.


Mugen City - After months of categorically denying the existence of a looming financial crisis, the Jomanian Finance Minister has finally admitted today that the empire is in dire need "to strap up" its remaining financial resources.

"The Recession is severely affecting the flow of money into our treasury," the teary-eyed Solviky laments in front of TV cameras "With half of our monthly national budget going to paying the empire's credit debts, we are slowly sinking and its effects maybe felt by the general populace very soon."

"We at the government are working hard to keep the economy stable, but with external conditions threatening to thwart our attempts to keep the empire afloat, our task is daunting," the minister explains. "Therefore, we call on the citizens to help us address the looming financial crisis. We need to cut losses by asking everyone to save money and to spend only for essential expenses."

Asked to elaborate on what are essential expenses, the Finance Minister mumbled for a few seconds and then proceeded to explain that his ministry "is still drawing up a list of expenses to avoid until the crisis is over."

"Upon our consultation with the emperor, we will reveal to the public the programs that the government will still support."

Meanwhile stocks tumbled for the fifth consecutive trading day after the Finance Minister's revelation shook investors' confidence at the resiliency of the Jomanian market. The Hak Ken index drops 400 points before closing at 2.5% lower than yesterday's trading...

---

Paid two credit card bills this afternoon and there's another big one due before the 10th. Phone bill remains unchanged and so is the cable bill. With the threats of Global Recession being reported on CNN everyday, a sister who stopped working and instead, focusing her attention toward her tibak leanings, and with the output at work getting lesser and lesser as the year comes to an end, I cannot help but feel worried.

Will my earnings keep up with the difficult times ahead?

Six Hours

though I can't see you,
I can feel you I'm so glad
you opened my door
when you're near all my
fears disappear and I won't
be alone anymore.

- Eraserheads, Fill Her