Having a bonding with a straight friend relieves me of thinking about homosexuality from time to time. But too much distance makes me feel lost, thanks to my friends, when we call a contingent, thinks return to the way it is.
Bonding with my grandmother allows me to peek into a future where my mom would be in her position. It's like the training ground for the things to come very soon, while I find a space to tolerate my sister's activies,
the way she somehow tolerates mine.
These are the next four entries from the two months, phankspace was silent.
---
Postcripts from the Night Out.
Saturday, 18 September 2004 3:24 AM
Half drunk, the surprise BNO was actually a blast. It was eons ago when I last stepped inside a club. Tonight, we've almost did bar hopping if time would only allowed us.
You see, Ace was my best bud back in college. We were part of a might group composed of young, creative and idealist group of men known as the Prestigious Group of Companies (PGC).
However, time would eventually separate us apart, and these kind of surpise visits are the ones that we could only cherish from now on, especially now that we have our own seperate lives.
So Ace and I decided to hang around Timog. It was his treat after all, and the taxi driver recommended that we check out Padi's.
We arrived as they were just starting to play hiphop music. 2 bottles of beer became our companion during our stay there.
After that, we went to Mister Kebab's and had our fill of their mouth watering and extremely heavy pita bread sandwich.
Our last stop was an obscure bar somewhere in West Avenue. He was insisting that we go to a girl bar instead, but mama and I will attend some activity this morning so I have to go home early and recuperate from intoxication.
It was a great bonding experience, especially now that we are out of college and are trying to draw our images amongst the stars. We talked about how our life fared this past two years and where we are heading. We shared a lot of common sentiments being the eldest in our families, and how we would like to see our own mothers sometime in the future.
Career was our focal point, and that he had also encountered before, how he was humbled by his jobhunting experience.
At the end, we've realized how great it is to be bachelors. Actually, I never enjoyed such night out like this, especially because I was used to joining parties with different kinds of people. I hope that there would be a bigger next time to party.
I hope that we could tag along the entire PGC to join such night outs. It was a huge turn around from what I am used to. I thought before that our friendship was over, when we're about to part ways during graduation.
For the first time since we left PICC that afternoon, I've realized that our common threads still remain and that someday, somehow our lives would be once be intertwined again.
For
Ace
Leslie
Darrell
Omar
and Angelo.
PGC remains mga parekoy!!!
===
Bonding With Lola
Tuesday, 14 September 2004 12:50 AM
My aunt's secretary was late for an hour, that's why when we arrived at the Nuclear Medicine Lab, there were already a lot of patients ahead of us.
I think Cardinal Santos specializes on these kind of diagnosis.
After all, it was my mom's sister, who is a doctor who recommended that my Lola should be checked up there.For two hours prior to her check up, I endured my lola's monologues about her life - my mom said that old people are prone to telling their life stories, just like I often do here, except that my audience has an option to read my entries or bypass me completely.
Anyway, it all started last saturday. My mom told me that my lola would be brought to the hospital today for a check-up. The problem is everyone of them has work and the only person who would accompany her mom was the katulong.
So I volunteered to join them. I spent the whole sunday dawn cleaning my room. I slept at 6 am and woke up an hour after lunch. A friend came and hanged around my place and just before dusk, my aunt asked me to stay over their place... so that she could explain the instructions I have to do prior to my lola's check-up.
---
Past nine this morning and the med techs began to put swero into my lola's fragile hands. Truth is, I cannot bear to see my lola being pieced by huge needles. I had one myself though before, and I know how painful it could be.
As the doctor told my lola that she'd be taking up "radioactive" medicines several times, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable. It's like, she's been taking a cocktail of medicines everyday and now, her body would have to take in a more potent and stronger compound.
---
Sitting by the lounge area, I felt that my lola was quite disturbed. I asked her if she had a problem and for the first time, she admitted that she's nervous about the procedure. The first time she'd ever been.
Smiling, I told her that I had to endure even more, when I was hospitalized several years ago. I did exaggerate a bit, but my point is, I tried to make an impression that everything would be ok.
That there's someone beside her that knows what to do in case there's something wrong.
Then she was called. But before she went to the diagnosis machine, she went to pee, so I asked our yaya to accompany her.
While waiting for her to come out, I fell asleep.
---
I passed out during the first two sessions. But I know, everything goes according to what my aunt said.
---
I had a light sleep, but it took me two hours before I finally got a hold of myself. It was already breaktime so everyone's waiting for the techs to finish their lunch.
I found my lola shivering from the cold. So I asked one of the med techs if they have a spare blanket around. Fortunately they have one, and wrapped it around my poor lola.
She was laughing because among all the old folks in the lounge area, she was the only one who had blanket. After all, initiative pays big time if you have the guts to ask something. I felt relieved when she stopped shivering and became comfortable in her wheelchair.
---
The whole day was like a bonding session for the two of us. I see my lola every other week when we visit my aunts place but I often pay attention to other details than to her.
I have to admit, that I'm not very close to her and oftentimes, I get tired of her endless monologuous reminiscing. But today, it was different.
It's like showing something I never showed her before. It's like seeing myself doing the same thing to my mom sometime in the future. I know, it's bound to happen and that this is a taste of what may come... It's a sad, lonely reality but as my mom said before I left two evenings ago,
Having someone close to your heart during such situations really makes a huge difference.
---
I immediately left after I brought her home. To my astonishment, she gave me a five hundred bucks which I reluctantly accepted.
I told myself before that the only thing I'd get from this volunteering would be goodwill from my aunt - but I went home with so much more.
---
Marahil hindi na siguro matatanong sa akin kung ano ang detalye ng nangyari sa check-up ng lola ko. Hindi ko na rin siguro makwekwento na nakatanggap ako ng limandaan sa kanya - na iniiwasan ko sana tanggapin dahil hindi naman pera ang usapan dito. Umuwi akong mas naging close sa lola ko - higit pa siguro sa mga pinsan kong nakatira doon. Isa itong napaka-personal na experience na hindi matutumbasan ninuman.
Nakita ko ang sarili ko pagtanda - bilang panganay, palagay ko, ako rin ang sasama sa nanay ko kapag siya naman ang nagpacheck-up na. Ayaw ko man isipin pero habang tumatakbo ang mga buwan, lalo kong naiisip na tumatanda na ako... Ang 22 ay bata pa sa marami - pero para sakin, pabigat na ng pabigat ang lahat.
Habang papalabas ang sasakyang naghatid samin sa bahay ng kapatid ni mama, nakita kong lumabas ang lola ko para mag-goodbye. Sabi ng driver, normal na lumalabas siya upang personal na makita kaming paalis at ipagdasal ang aming mapayapang paglalakbay pauwi.
Bumaba ako ng sasakyan, at sa pangalawang pagkakataon, humalik muli ako sa kanyang pisngi. Sa kanyang pagsasabi ng "Thank You." Sa unang pagkakataong narinig ko siyang sinabi yun sa akin, ayokong isipin ang oras dahil alam kong sandali na lamang ito.
Ang mahalaga, naparamdam ko na kung gaano ko siya kamahal.
===
Kwentong Odderspace
Saturday, 11 September 2004 4:51 AM
"Nagsimula ang Odders nung paalis na si James ng MH, samantalang kayo naman ni Marvin eh pajoin pa lang ng MS. Kami ni Roy, nagsusumiksik sa Fluids. Officially nagsimula tayo nung magpatawag ng GEB si Jaime sa Megamall, malas lang niya, di niya ininvite si Omeng... tuloy nabuo tayo."
---
It will be one week before we celebrate our first year anniversary as a group. Who would've ever thought we would come to this point and still be proud to claim that we're more bonded now, than we first decided to form our own group apart from the org we left.
We visited a friend's pad this morning. I called a contingent last night because I can't let the week pass without seeing the guys. Kasalanan ko ba, namiss ko sila eh.
I texted James if he's game to go out tonight. Kapatid wants to go out too and we've agreed to meet up in his pad. While in the bus, I texted everyone that there's a meet up tonight. However my text came too late, only Brian confirmed that he is coming.
Bri, who recently suffered a break-up is noticeably present these past few weeks. I know, we're the only ones who could be his distraction. We hope that this constant meet ups would prove helpful for his immediate recovery.
---
We went to this middle-eastern restaurant a few blocks away from James' pad. We indulged ourselves with Mediterranean cuisine as they shared a bucketfuls of beer between the three of them.
As usual, we updated ourselves with each other's lives, and also the lives of our tropa and shared juicy and funny stories we have gathered after the last time we called such contingent.
We've been like this for the last two years we found ourselves. Iba talaga kapag digs mo ang mga taong kaharap mo.
Iba ang feeling kapag may mga taong handang umunawa at makiisa sayo.
---
With James sleepy from the beer he consumed, the remaining three of us decided to check out Sonny's new apartment.
We found out this evening through one of our tropa that he's sick so we decided to pay him a visit.
From 1 am till the wee hours of the morning, the conversations we had at the restaurant were jumpstarted again by our hosts.Kwento dito, balitaan dun... Sentihan dito, tawanan doon. That's what we've done while there in the apartment. It's so good to cherish the good times we had, and remember the people who became part of our lives.
It's so heartwarming to see the people you want to be part of your life till you grow old and forgotten.
Habang nakikita ko sila, gusto kong isipin na andun pa rin sila hanggang sa tumanda kami at mapag-isa sa buhay. How'd I wished we could spend more time to look back at our beginnings and retell the stories and experiences we had during the best days of our lives.
---
Umuwi ako nang may halong pag-alala sa mga taong kasama ko. Pagdating ko sa bahay, nasigurado ko na nakaawi sila ng maayos at patulog na.
Next week, isang taon na ang aming barkadahan. We'd probably shock Quatro with our numbers. Of course, madaming pupunta. This is an official and important milestone of our group.---But only time will tell what future holds for all of us. In fact, I really don't know if they share the same feeling, the way I have for them.
Probably, they do... even if they are not vocal about it.
Even if they not show it. Whenever they close their eyes and want to remember our best days. Whenever they feel down and need some support from us. Whenever our laughter reverberates inside their mind.
Whenever they remember.
They would make their presence felt.
===
Tibak
Thursday, 9 September 2004 11:54 PM
"Anong year na siya sa college?"
"Hindi na siya nag-aaral... full time na siya."
---
Nabigla ako nung sinabi sakin to ng kapatid ko habang tinatanong ko sa kanya yung mga bisita niya kanina dito sa bahay.
Simula nitong school year, naging active ang kapatid ko sa mga "pressure groups," yung tinatawag ba nilang mga aktibista.
Palibhasa kasi, nag-aaral sa UP kaya hayun nahawa. Sa totoo, medyo ilag ako sa mga ganung klaseng estudyante. Nung panahong nasa college ako eh pinagtatawanan ko lang yung mga ginagawa nila, dahil alam kong marami ang nasisira ang buhay dahil sa ganitong mga grupo.
Sila yung tipong naririnig mo na lang na puro Opresyon at Rebolusyon ang lumalabas sa bibig. Sila yung tipong maawa ka na maiinis ka dahil hindi mo lubos maisip na bakit nila kelangang ipaglaban ang iba, samantalang sila mismo eh hindi nila kayang ayusin ang buhay nila.
Sa totoo. Natatakot ako para sa kapatid ko. Aaminin ko na hindi ko siya lubos na kilala para matiyak kung ano ba ang priority niya ngayon sa buhay. Hindi ko alam kung matatapos ba ang taong ito na tutungtong siya sa 3rd year o hindi...
---
Pero mahal ko ang utol ko. Alam kong dito siya masaya at dito niya nakikita ang sarili niya.
Laki rin naman ako sa pamilyang aktibista kaya kahit paano, alam ng nanay ko ang kanyang gagawin. Marami rin siyang koneksyon sa mga dating tiga underground na nagbagong buhay at ngayo'y mga pinuno na ng mga NGOs kaya marami siyang mahihingan ng tulong kapag sumobra pa ang utol ko.
Ilang linggo na rin siyang gabi na umuuwi. Sumasama daw sa picket line malapit sa amin. Ok lang naman, dito lang naman sa malapit eh.
Pero ang hindi ko pa rin maunawaan ay bakit? Ano ang silbi ng pakikipaglaban sa isang sistemang araw araw ka nang kinakain?
Tama si Mama, wala akong karapatang magtanong kung sarado rin naman ang isip ko para unawain ang pagiging Tibak. Pero hindi ko maunawaan bakit may takot ako sa dibdib ko? Bakit ang pangit pangit ng imahe sa akin ng isang aktibista.
Ito ba'y dahil takot akong malulon ang kapatid ko sa pagiging ganun at mapabayaan ang pag-aaral niya?
O biktima rin ako ng maling propaganda tungkol sa kanila?
Kasi kung opresyon lang ang pag-uusapan, aba'y araw-araw akong nakakakita ng ganyan. Masyado nang manhid ang utak ko para pa magpaapekto. Minsan, mas ok pang mag-bulagbulagan kesa lumaban na sa huli ikaw rin ang talo.
Sana nauunawaan ni Ederic ang sinasabi ko. Ramdam ko na galing siya doon at alam niya ang mga sagot sa katanungan ko.
---
Sa ngayon, heto ako't magbubulag-bulagan. Lalamunin ko ang takot ko at yayakapin ko ang sitwasyon ng may bukas na mga mata ngunit patuloy kong isasara ang aking isipan.
Para sa akin, tapos na ang panahon ng pag-aaklas. Ito na ang panahon para humanap ng ikabubuhay.
Dalangin ko lang na maapula ng maaga ang apoy na nagpapatakbo sa ideolohiya ng utol ko. Alam kong sa bandang huli, mananaig pa rin sa kanya ang kanyang obligasyon na makatapos ng maaga.
Nawa'y dalawang taon lang sana ako mag-iintay...
Hindi ko kaya magpatakbo ng bahay mag-isa. Ang laban ay nandito sa bahay - ang laban upang tumakbo ang aming pamilya ng kaming tatlo lang.
Marealize niya sana ito ng maaga...
basta ako, suporta na lang sa kanya.
The Techno Revolution, Unnoticed
6 years ago
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