Ceasefire

My bud and I had constant fights for the last three days.



I won't put into details what happened, but it was a nasty fight. In fact, it did summed up to a grand walkout last night after we went to shopping. I thought it would be the end - in my heart, I know how bitter and enraged I felt. But for some reasons, I just can't let go.



I can't simply pull the plug and say goodbye.



---



Because at some point, I've realized that I was expecting too much.



Probably because I am already giving too much.



If I would like this relationship to go on, I have to overlook some little things that I easily gets me upset about.



Or would I have to care less, so that I won't expect more...



---



Last year, exactly the same season, we had a big fight.



It was a month-whole relentless bickerings, and I thought we would end on the first week of December. However, we have found a way to patch things up and held on till today.



Hopefully we can do those things again. Probably, I'd lessen my pressures for him to change the way I wanted to.



And never listen to parekoy's sexual misadventures. I swear, when I'm around that guy, I feel like I'm single like him.



---



However my state of relationship



made me think, why do a lot of people

seek relationships when in fact, serious relationships are one of the most

complicated things in the world.



Especially a set-up such as ours?



I think a lot of those who seek, just want to know how it feels like - but when things become

more complex than they can handle, they'd immediately pack up and start all over again after

several months or even years of break up.



It's like a vicious cycle. A beginning with no sure end.



That's why it makes me think sometimes if "settling down" with Phanks is a little bit early for my age. I know some 30 years old who still flirts like they are just 21. And I still have to personally meet a PLU who has survived a relationship longer than 3 years. For me to believe that spending a lifetime with another guy could be a possibility.



Sometimes, it just worries me that we're as routine as everybody else. I know we've gone this far, we have survived long enough to be included in the hall-of-famers,



but in reality, I just don't know if how long we would be together. I've seen too many breakups and betrayals for me to believe.



---



So far, the closest miracle I've seen in this kind of life is those of Papu's.



For the longest time since I became a complete PLU, I never saw his relationship with Joey falter.



In fact, he remains the sort of guy, most PLUs would look up to and follow. Or probably, we just don't know him that well that's why those who knows him respect him like a father... we never had.



Well let's see. As long as I know that he's the role model I'd be proud to follow, I'd never be lost.



I'd always see the light.



---



Imagine, I've been talking about boys again, after spending the last few post dedicated to my ex.



Pero if we never broke up before, I wouldn't become the person I am today. Somehow, our single journey triggered the curious side of me.



I swear, I did love women before. In fact, phanks sometimes complain that I treat him like one.



But what if things like the discovery of PEx, or complete disillussionment with my dad, or my first trip to a cruising bar never happened. What if I remained the guy I used to be.



Probably right now, I still don't know how to attract partners...



Perhaps I'd still feel an awe listening to a straight guy "who's been there and fucked a lot of..."



I think I'd never have the confidence I have today.



Sometimes, it makes me wonder what if things developed far more different from today? Would my life be happier?