(written: june 16, 2004 4:03 am.)
I tremble.
This is what happens when I am the first one to know that doom is coming; that we’re dead meat before the major players know what will happen. This is the outcome of waiting the summary report of the night operations of the company. I know the details and when the details will kill us, I would be the first one to run away and hide from a distance.
For two weeks, we’ve been suffering from a major financial crisis. The postdated checks we used to pay our suppliers were due this June. However, the suppliers fearing that we’re accumulating so much financial debt from the supplies we ordered, declined to accept postdated checks from us anymore. That’s why we’re forced to push the limits and pay everything this June.
However, the timing for severe national economic crisis was just right for doom to happen. We’ve been having a hard time collecting income from our newspaper dealers and agents. They were trying to delay every payment since they, in turn, were having a hard time collecting from their sub-agents.
Today, we’ll be facing another doom. A doom that was responsible for the closing of our last remaining account in the bank. I don’t know how things would go on… and the most painful thing is that I don’t know what to do. I’m powerless when it comes to financial backing and what's more shameful is that I can’t even grab my balls to look… beg for someone to grant us a loan.
The Finance Manager was right, she was right when she lamented to me yesterday that she’s doing her best to help us keep afloat, while we do nothing to support her. She’s fighting our battles yet we’re not there to fight that battle with her. Everyone’s telling me not to loose hope – that to go on even when there’s no more road to go.
But all I can think of is how to run away and assure my family - my mom and sis of a surviving future far away from this trouble. This work made me worthless and dishonorable in the face of everyone. The only legacy I’ve shown so far is my chicken-ness in the face of insurmountable problems.
Sometimes, I ask myself my worthiness when it comes to these problems. Is there someone worse than me when it comes to facing all of these realities? My cousin told me that at his young age, he seems to have suicidal tendencies… I don’t know. I am just very confused and fearful of what will happen when I wake up this afternoon.
Again, I will try to sleep over all of these problems. Lately, I’ve been good at sleeping it over and let others do everything. You know, it’s very difficult when you’re in a position where all of your knowledge is useless against a challenge and all you can think of is how to plot the day after everything has taken away from you.
I’ve been preparing myself for everything… but when I think of destinies, I ask myself why do we have to suffer? Did we do anything wrong in this lifetime, or in past lifetimes to suffer all of these? Why are there people who don’t have to face this terror in all their lives? Was it their reward for doing nothing to accumulate all those wealth?
They say this will come to pass. I’ve been trying to be optimistic yet the reality is being smudged right in front of my face. Since my internet load has all been used up, I might post this at a later date, perhaps when the dust has finally settled. Believe me it’s very hard when you’re in this position. It really shows your weaknesses and monsters in face of adversity. Yourself becomes your greatest critic as your guilt and defense mechanisms fight over what is good for the survival of the people you’ve been fighting for and what is codified in your most basic principles.
I know, doing that something insane can swiftly end all these, but in doing so… in ending this battle, I’ll leave everyone hanging and empty… when I leave things around here unfinished.
All I can feel is the loud beating of my heart.
And it shows how pathetic I am when I am helpless. I am a shameless runner.
Nevertheless, another doom is looming.
May God have mercy on us.
I tremble.
This is what happens when I am the first one to know that doom is coming; that we’re dead meat before the major players know what will happen. This is the outcome of waiting the summary report of the night operations of the company. I know the details and when the details will kill us, I would be the first one to run away and hide from a distance.
For two weeks, we’ve been suffering from a major financial crisis. The postdated checks we used to pay our suppliers were due this June. However, the suppliers fearing that we’re accumulating so much financial debt from the supplies we ordered, declined to accept postdated checks from us anymore. That’s why we’re forced to push the limits and pay everything this June.
However, the timing for severe national economic crisis was just right for doom to happen. We’ve been having a hard time collecting income from our newspaper dealers and agents. They were trying to delay every payment since they, in turn, were having a hard time collecting from their sub-agents.
Today, we’ll be facing another doom. A doom that was responsible for the closing of our last remaining account in the bank. I don’t know how things would go on… and the most painful thing is that I don’t know what to do. I’m powerless when it comes to financial backing and what's more shameful is that I can’t even grab my balls to look… beg for someone to grant us a loan.
The Finance Manager was right, she was right when she lamented to me yesterday that she’s doing her best to help us keep afloat, while we do nothing to support her. She’s fighting our battles yet we’re not there to fight that battle with her. Everyone’s telling me not to loose hope – that to go on even when there’s no more road to go.
But all I can think of is how to run away and assure my family - my mom and sis of a surviving future far away from this trouble. This work made me worthless and dishonorable in the face of everyone. The only legacy I’ve shown so far is my chicken-ness in the face of insurmountable problems.
Sometimes, I ask myself my worthiness when it comes to these problems. Is there someone worse than me when it comes to facing all of these realities? My cousin told me that at his young age, he seems to have suicidal tendencies… I don’t know. I am just very confused and fearful of what will happen when I wake up this afternoon.
Again, I will try to sleep over all of these problems. Lately, I’ve been good at sleeping it over and let others do everything. You know, it’s very difficult when you’re in a position where all of your knowledge is useless against a challenge and all you can think of is how to plot the day after everything has taken away from you.
I’ve been preparing myself for everything… but when I think of destinies, I ask myself why do we have to suffer? Did we do anything wrong in this lifetime, or in past lifetimes to suffer all of these? Why are there people who don’t have to face this terror in all their lives? Was it their reward for doing nothing to accumulate all those wealth?
They say this will come to pass. I’ve been trying to be optimistic yet the reality is being smudged right in front of my face. Since my internet load has all been used up, I might post this at a later date, perhaps when the dust has finally settled. Believe me it’s very hard when you’re in this position. It really shows your weaknesses and monsters in face of adversity. Yourself becomes your greatest critic as your guilt and defense mechanisms fight over what is good for the survival of the people you’ve been fighting for and what is codified in your most basic principles.
I know, doing that something insane can swiftly end all these, but in doing so… in ending this battle, I’ll leave everyone hanging and empty… when I leave things around here unfinished.
All I can feel is the loud beating of my heart.
And it shows how pathetic I am when I am helpless. I am a shameless runner.
Nevertheless, another doom is looming.
May God have mercy on us.
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