What It Feels Like...

It was during our last bitter fight.

Saturday. I was so pissed off about what happened at the office that day and I have decided not to meet phanks that evening. After all, he already told me the day before that he might probably join his officemates for some happy night at Malate so I could just stay at home and wait for his text messages if ever he would ask me to fetch him there.

However, I have noticed that for three straight weeks, he was partying with his officemates. As far as I know he was having a night out with his closet officemate, who always treated him whenever they go out. That was how I understood it; that was the one that made me furious during the last time he partied.

Come 9 pm and he didn't texted me yet. I was assuming that he had a great night so he never bothered to remind me the things he was doing. All I can assume is that they were on a bar, my buddy was singing his heart out on some karaoke machine or videoke bar while the audience were simply mesmerized at how he sang his most favorite songs.

Before that, I was asking him that evening too, if he could visit me at home since I was desperately needing some attention that day. But instead, he decided that having a night out is better than seeing me so he just simply informed me that he could not go to my place.

That made me more upset. That made me realize that I needed to make war on him this time.

So when phanks told me that if I could fetch him in Malate at around midnight, I told him that he could just ask his "officemate" to accompany him home since they were having some fun anyways. But he simply made a response to my message by saying "bahala ka." and that's it.

---

Past midnight and I was busily seeking some diversion in the chatrooms... and yes, even downelink too. But the thought of him simply diverted me back to the issues I was faced at that moment.

I gave in because still, I care about him. I tried calling phanks several times but to no avail. Everytime I would be successful, he would just simply drop my call. Those call attempts and his drop call response made things worse. We found ourselves afterwards exchanging heated text messages and blamed the whole conflict to each other.

It eventually subsided on my part, since I can easily be appeased when the tone of the voice of the person I am arguing with becomes more friendly. But to him, it was just the beginning. I decided not to respond anymore so that if ever things might go out of hand, his battery won't be dead. He can simply call me if ever he needed my help.

---

At the same time, my habit of anticipating the worse has already appeared. I was already bracing myself for the worse - particularly an abrupt break-up during the same moment I was consoling him. I don't know why but when things get worse, I always take the break-up option as one of the cards I am prepared to use.

By 2 am, we were still mad at each other. But I know that I needed to get beyond those human emotions just to ensure that he would be safe... if ever he still needs my help. The last call I made, which he did answer was about my suggestion that he could stay in my place instead of going home. I told him that I would pay for the taxi fare to entice him to choose my suggestion. But he was still adamant. Phanks told me that he doesn't care whatever happened to him. Furious and having a feeling of hopelessness, I simply dropped the phone call and braced for my declaration the following day.

---

My break-up plan was to simply ensure that he will get home. Just like what I've said on that LQ post several weeks ago, by late afternoon, I would simply tell him that it would be better for us to simply split up. Although I wasn't sure if I was prepared myself for such declaration, it was anger who ruled my mind. For me, it doesn't matter anymore if I would survive the ordeal myself or it would just pass as a short short break-up some couples often do have.

However, 15 minutes after I dropped the call, he texted back. He told me that he's on his way here at home. Phanks said to me that he doesn't have the will to continue the quarrel with me anymore since he realized that it was his fault too.

I welcomed his changed of heart...

I was at the roadside when his cab arrived. Half drunk, I brought him to my room...

and the rest was history.

---

I was retelling this story to remind myself that it doesn't just happen to us.

Many people desire to have relationships... but the truth is, only those who have the patience and the strong will survive the complexities of having a man to man relationship.

And yeah, next time... I'll do my "night-outs" alone.