I have a confession to make...
I created a new blog account this afternoon in hopes of further expressing my sentiments, fears and rantings in life without the fear and worry that readers would get bored or react to what I write in Pulsar.
The truth is, I feel like I'm exposing myself too much. And that exposure makes me more unease because I'm afraid that I have to conform to other blogs in order to become more readable, if not too depressing.
These days, I feel that my life of twist and turns. There were times when I wished that I would like to simply deconstruct myself just to claim that I'm new again... or at least, have been born again.
As I write my new entry in that blog, I felt a tinge of liberation engulfing me. I was jubilant because I felt that I have an entire world of my own. I was excited because I could write whatever I wanted to write without anyone reading it. Thus, avoiding any comments or issues that would rise due to the entry.
I found freedom since nobody knows that I exists there... except only me.
But am I happy?
Would it free me from the burdens I am facing right now?
Would isolation and privacy give me peace?
I think not... I guess, in the long run it would just make me feel more alone.
So I'm planning to scrap the idea of keeping a secret blog. After all, it would just divide my momentum in updating this blog. I did tried it once before, but it simply didn't contained me. This blog, which I kept for more than a year now is still my home, my sanctuary...
And the keeper of how valuable, if not colorful my life is...
---
Besides, I'm a sucker for sentimental things and reading this blog allowed me to see how my life went during the past one year.
If only I knew blog way way before, Pulsar could have witnessed my transformation from being a heterosexual to a complete homosexual. It could have written the stanzas of my "love" story with Roy. These pages could have contained some of my [s]excapades the day it happened during day one, and the last time it happened two weeks before I met phanks. It could have recorded my hardships in my relationship with Yul, the downfall of our publishing company, the beginnings of ODDERS and much much more.
This blog could have been a better storyteller of my life. But since I found it later, all that the readers could see now are just parts of it - mostly the sadder and depressing ones that remained.
---
But life does not stop there. Who knows, after this episode, there would be lighter and gayer stories to come.
And it wouldn't happen if I divert all my energies in producing another blog that would act as a shadow of this one.
I think one is enough to be the keeper of my stories. There might be bumpy moments to be written as well as happy ones to cherish for life.
So from now on, I think I would see this blog as just an extension of myself and my thoughts. I won't care anymore if I bare myself here, even if people really read whatever is written. Pulsar would represent not just my political, homosexual and typical life; it would also herald whatever trials I am facing and how I got out of it without destructing oneself too much.
I just hope that somewhere, someone would pick-up my lessons and apply it to their own, if ever those things happen in their lives.
---
Well, this is my life. It may not be the same or as typical as others; it may not be as colorful as some gay lives I know.
What matters is that we continue to write our own life story, so that when time comes when we like to look back at where we came from,
we would always remember...
I created a new blog account this afternoon in hopes of further expressing my sentiments, fears and rantings in life without the fear and worry that readers would get bored or react to what I write in Pulsar.
The truth is, I feel like I'm exposing myself too much. And that exposure makes me more unease because I'm afraid that I have to conform to other blogs in order to become more readable, if not too depressing.
These days, I feel that my life of twist and turns. There were times when I wished that I would like to simply deconstruct myself just to claim that I'm new again... or at least, have been born again.
As I write my new entry in that blog, I felt a tinge of liberation engulfing me. I was jubilant because I felt that I have an entire world of my own. I was excited because I could write whatever I wanted to write without anyone reading it. Thus, avoiding any comments or issues that would rise due to the entry.
I found freedom since nobody knows that I exists there... except only me.
But am I happy?
Would it free me from the burdens I am facing right now?
Would isolation and privacy give me peace?
I think not... I guess, in the long run it would just make me feel more alone.
So I'm planning to scrap the idea of keeping a secret blog. After all, it would just divide my momentum in updating this blog. I did tried it once before, but it simply didn't contained me. This blog, which I kept for more than a year now is still my home, my sanctuary...
And the keeper of how valuable, if not colorful my life is...
---
Besides, I'm a sucker for sentimental things and reading this blog allowed me to see how my life went during the past one year.
If only I knew blog way way before, Pulsar could have witnessed my transformation from being a heterosexual to a complete homosexual. It could have written the stanzas of my "love" story with Roy. These pages could have contained some of my [s]excapades the day it happened during day one, and the last time it happened two weeks before I met phanks. It could have recorded my hardships in my relationship with Yul, the downfall of our publishing company, the beginnings of ODDERS and much much more.
This blog could have been a better storyteller of my life. But since I found it later, all that the readers could see now are just parts of it - mostly the sadder and depressing ones that remained.
---
But life does not stop there. Who knows, after this episode, there would be lighter and gayer stories to come.
And it wouldn't happen if I divert all my energies in producing another blog that would act as a shadow of this one.
I think one is enough to be the keeper of my stories. There might be bumpy moments to be written as well as happy ones to cherish for life.
So from now on, I think I would see this blog as just an extension of myself and my thoughts. I won't care anymore if I bare myself here, even if people really read whatever is written. Pulsar would represent not just my political, homosexual and typical life; it would also herald whatever trials I am facing and how I got out of it without destructing oneself too much.
I just hope that somewhere, someone would pick-up my lessons and apply it to their own, if ever those things happen in their lives.
---
Well, this is my life. It may not be the same or as typical as others; it may not be as colorful as some gay lives I know.
What matters is that we continue to write our own life story, so that when time comes when we like to look back at where we came from,
we would always remember...
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