Between You and Me

Physically speaking, my confidence is down. I see myself as a big, fat, smelly whiny pig these days. In fact, I have gauge my confidence level to be in an all time low based on how I get attracted to people around me. It's something to be concerned about if you ask me, but generally speaking, I'm not yet depressed.



In fact I think this state is my greatest deterrent for committing a mistake. I can't flirt around since I percieve myself as unattractive. That is why I don't make an effort to look good because I know that it might lead into something, that I would regret later on.



However, this state also means that I am more insecure in my relationship with phanks than I've ever been before. So far, my paranoia hasn't attacked me yet so that means I'm still holding on. I do have these inferior feelings though but it doesn't affect my overall sanity yet.



You see, I've observed that people around me looks better and better whenever I look at their pictures in friendster. People around me seems to have a lot of good news to celebrate, while I...

well at least, I have opened a new bank account that I will use for my savings. It was papu who suggested the idea, however, persuading Banco De Oro to accept my application took months before I found out that I have already a shared account with them thru my mom's account.



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Last week, I was so close to breaking up with Phanks. Whenever we get into a fight, he seems to have become more defiant than before. There were times when I would ask him if I committed a mistake, but he would just ignore me. The last time he did it, I almost told him that it would be our last night together. After a few hours, he was the one trying really hard to console me on our way home, but I was already the one putting up a defiant stand.



Later that night, he managed to patch things up together. But between you and me, I am already weary. If not only for the upcoming Valentines Day and the celebration of our second year together, I won't give him another chance.



Another fight like that and I think I'll declare my independence. I would rather start all over again, rather than endure the thought of my buddy resembling like my ex.



Isa na lang talaga, I'll threaten to split up with him.



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On the other hand, my close contact with parekoy and all his daring exploits somehow inspires me to seek my own will. Kanya kanyang hawaan lang naman yan eh and whenever I am with him or with some single Odder guy I am comfortable with, I feel like I'm single again - of course, my feelings toward him is already gone, and whatever remains is that of just plain friendship. Masaya lang siya kasama and lately, I'd rather choose to be with my tropa or alone rather than with my bud.



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I know this is bad. This is a very bad sign. And I intend to keep this to myself - and to you of course, who reads my blog. Good thing, I'm not in the mood to flirt around - so if ever the split up happens, I'm sure that it would not really be the end, unless he wanted to.



Tama na nga... the mere thought like this one confuses me. Posting this daring entry - even the thought of it weakens me. I should not be entertaining these thoughts, but it has gone beyond my consciousness - it directly speaks to me now.



I just hope he would learn this time. That he would fulfill his promise to do better, and listen to me whenever I am giving him advises. I'll do my best in thinking the advantage - or practicality of still being with him... I will give my heart time to claim its feelings again. And my mind to think about things.



Honestly, I hate being the one to wrap up things. If ever that happens this would be the first time I will do it. Perhaps, it should do good to think about the mistakes I had, or will do whenever I am uncommitted. That way, it would reinforce my weakening bond to my buddy. Hopefully I can weather this conflict within me. We have been together for so very long, and

I don't want to give it up so easily.