The Gospel Of Thomas

Our entry for today is about Reincarnation.

Wikipedia states that:

"Reincarnation is a doctrine or metaphysical belief that some essential part of a living being (in some variations only human beings) survives death to be reborn in a new body. This essential part is often referred to as the spirit or soul, the "higher" or "true" self, "divine spark", or "I". According to such beliefs, a new personality is developed during each life in the physical world, but some part of the self remains constant throughout the successive lives."

It goes on to explain that:

"Belief in reincarnation has ancient roots. This doctrine is a central tenet within the majority of Indian religious traditions, such as Hinduism (including Yoga, Vaishnavism, and Shaivism) and Jainism. The idea was also entertained by some ancient Greek philosophers. Many modern Pagans also believe in reincarnation as do some New Age movements, along with followers of Spiritism, practitioners of certain African traditions, and students of esoteric philosophies such as Kabbalah, and Gnostic and Esoteric Christianity. The Buddhist concept of Rebirth although often referred to as reincarnation differs significantly from the Hindu-based traditions and New Age movements in that there is no unchanging "soul" (or eternal self) to reincarnate."

Unfortunately, the Abrahamic religions do not subscribe to the idea of birth and rebirth. It's always between heaven and hell, and lines of morality are drawn to these two paths in the afterlife. Most Christians would embrace the idea of eternal salvation rather than achieving struggled perfection through countless existence.

I for one is in contrast with my mother when it comes to my idea of afterlife. She believes in heaven, while I bombard her with questions on what to do with an eternity. "Hindi ba boring yun, forever ka nasa langit, puro sarap lang ang nararanasan mo?" Mom defends her position by telling me that time and space isn't a concept in heaven. I would further challenge her claim by asking her to imagine endlessness with one consciousness. Often, our conversation would end by my sister's proclamation that God is a capitalist invention.

Time and again, I wrote entries dealing with questions of an afterlife. Despite having strong leanings toward Christianity, something tells me that there's more to heaven and hell, and that these concepts were designed, with meticulous blueprints to scare away the pious into believing an angry and vengeful almighty.

"But my creator is compassionate." I would remind myself. "Why should he let his creations suffer heaven and hell when they can always try again until they get to figure out what life's meaning is?"

So there, that is why I dabble in the occult of Buddhism from time to time. At least, the belief allows me to understand the very nature of things in order to live in harmony with my surroundings. Good thing such faith doesn't demand a switch of religion so it becomes a philosophy I try to follow when faced with occasional spiritual dilemma.

But my searching never stops there. Like all true seekers, I look for a common thread among faiths that will reinforce my personal beliefs. Standing by my religion, my attempts to prove that Jesus Christ does tell something about reincarnation seems bearing fruits. His words may not have been included in the four books of the New Testament but a passage I found from the Gospel of Thomas this afternoon was enough to satiate my hunger for answers.

"And Jesus said, 'The person is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of little fish. Among them the wise fisherman discovered a fine large fish. He threw all the little fish back into the sea, and easily chose the large fish. Anyone here with two good ears had better listen!'

Written in the Book of Matthew, the same passage appear like this:

"47Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was let down into the lake and caught all kinds of fish. 48When it was full, the fishermen pulled it up on the shore. Then they sat down and collected the good fish in baskets, but threw the bad away. 49This is how it will be at the end of the age. The angels will come and separate the wicked from the righteous 50and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

So efficient and liberating Thomas' version is. The spark I saw may appear deceiving but as far as I know, the large fish being picked up are the ones who understood life and all its love and suffering. Thus, it doesn't need to relive it again.

This fish already gained perfection.

Ask me what the goal of perfection is and my answer is simple:

Nothingness.

Somewhere Over The Shores Of Lucid Bay

5:23 AM

Got out of bed and dragged my legs to my mother's quarters. The last time I remembered before falling asleep was the door was locked and she was taking an early-morning warm bath in her small, rose-tiled bathroom. Mom was already sprawled comfortably on the bed and waiting to fall asleep when I went in to check her out.

Mom: Nakatulog ka na?

Me: Huh?

Mom: Nakatulog ka na sa lagay na yan.

Me: Ah oo, nakatulog na. Ikaw?

Mom: Hindi pa, simula nung nagising ako kanina (I presume she had three hours of sleep after arriving home last night.)

Me: Tulog ka na mama. Gym na ako.

Mom: Maaga pa ah...

Me: Ayos yun, para mamaya maaga rin ako makakauwi. Ready lang ako.

I left her room to go down to the kitchen. Hunger was assaulting my tummy and I just remembered the maid mentioned last night that there's a half-slice carrot bread inside the fridge. As I was about to step my foot on the first flight of stairs, a tiny voice stalled my legs for I heard someone calling my name. It was a mere whimper but I knew where it was coming from?

I headed back to the master's bedroom.

Me: Bakit mo ako tinawag?

There was a long pause after my question.

Mom: Mag-gygym ka na talaga?

Me: Sana... bakit?

Mom: Maiiwan na ako mag-isa niyan.

There and then I understood what mom meant. It's been a lonely, sleepless night with only me and her inside the house. Utol was elsewhere busying herself with activities that any practical person would frown. Approaching mom. I tucked her inside the blanket, planted a kiss on her cheek and left the room to go downstairs.

My carrot bread is waiting.

Mom's words will always ring a tune to my heart. I will do my steel-bar lifting after my shift is over.

The Last Temptation of Jomania

"Do not do unto others, what others do not want to do unto you."

- Anon

"For there are different reasons why men cannot marry: some because they were born that way; others, because men made them that way; and others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven."

- Jesus Christ, Matthew 19:11

---

The sun was barely up when I left home this morning. The day-long gwapo sleep I had yesterday restored my energy to its normal levels. It was well known throughout the Twitter Community how grumpy my week was and I felt bad about it. Sleeplessness had taken its toll and there were even times when my usually calm and controlled attitude was overtaken by my violent and carnal tendencies. Fortunately, mind control was able to put me at a distance away from those careless enough to cross my path.

Guilt ridden, I headed towards my refuge in Katipunan. Maybe what I needed was a spiritual fix now that I am feeling an imbalance in my being. If I let my destructive inclinations take over me, I might lose my hard-earned peace. Much as I was hesitant to set sail towards my destination, it was my will that lead me there. Let fate have my redemption, what matters is that I tried.

I arrived at Santa Clara while a holy mass was going on. It isn't my desire to attend masses especially if I find the man standing on the pulpit too lousy to explain the words he proclaim. But my time was short and I had to bask myself in any spiritual bounty I would harvest from this morning's expedition.

I sat on the pew which most appealed to me.

Now the word "appeal" is subject to further scrutiny. In my case, the pew which is most desirable would not be the one closest to the priest. Instead, the most attractive spot for me would be the one next to the cutest guy in the church. I'm just human for Christ's sake. If I'm a straight guy, I would most likely sit beside the most gorgeous lady around.

So that was the case this morning. I found myself seating beside a fair-looking Narcissus who, for some reasons decided to attend the early morning mass. All throughout the service, I tried my best not to look at his direction. But how can I resist a demon-looking, late-twenties stud sitting beside me, especially when he doesn't make any effort to put some distance despite my attempts to pull back.

The Lord's Prayer has concluded and it was time for the Rite of Peace. It is the part where everyone exchanges a sign of peace with one another. On my part, it will be the climax of the tension which began to build up the moment I sat beside the lean-bodied Adonis. I would have to look at him in the eye, scan the contours of his elfish face and have a fill of his presence which I may never enjoy again. Sometimes, I would like to blame my repressive nature for harboring twisted thoughts. If I was as hedonistic as I used to be, his closeness would never create any sexual tension that I would soon suppress.

"Peace be with you..." he answered. His eyes expressed disinterest. Maybe, what I felt was nothing after all.

The Eucharist ended with our arms barely a few inches away from rubbing each other. I don't know if my slight wobbling throughout the mass drew me closer or it was the other way round. His gravity was too strong that the only way to repulse my attraction was for him to leave. As I was preparing to start my weekly habit, he stood up to get something from his bag. All along, I thought he was just arranging its contents before leaving the pew. To my surprise he took out a green booklet and knelt beside me.

He had his novena to match my rosary.

It was difficult to focus on the beads knowing that I was distracted by his actions. Was his decision to stay a sign of his intention to reach out? Was his novena as genuine as my rosary in connecting with the Source? I may never find out. For as we were praying next to each other, another guy sat beside me. The look in his eyes and the way he smiled meant something. Instincts revealed its malicious intent but since I was inside the house of the Almighty, I brushed my nature and welcomed his presence.

Halfway towards the end of my second mystery of light, the eye candy to my left made a sign of the cross to conclude his novena. Meanwhile, the guy to my right wiggled closer putting me in a defensive position. He was invading my space so I had to turn my head and check what he was doing. Once again, he smiled at me.

As I was about to return to my meditation, he tried to break the ice by engaging me in a conversation.

"Excuse me..." He said pa-cutely.

"Ano yun dude?" I responded with slight disturbance.

"Favor naman... baka puwede mo akong ipag-pray." Now he was trying to be cute.

"Para saan?" I answered back, annoyed.

"Enlightenment."

Fine. Someone wanted a pray-over session. Had I known it would be used on me, I should have said the same lines to get the hunky Narcissus' attention earlier. I wouldn't mind praying for someone's soul. My only confusion was the person who solicited my prayers was inside the church. He could pray for himself and the almighty would still listen.

Confused with his favor, I said yes to his intercessions. He left the pew soon after and being guilty of my snooty attitude, I prayed for him. However, my troubles this morning has just begun. Barely into my fifth mystery of light, he showed up again with the sheer intention of pestering my moment of bliss.

"Seminarian ka ba?"

"Hindi... Siyanga pala, pinagdasal na kita." His face suddenly glowed after granting his favor.

"Teacher nga pala ako, etc. etc." Impressions tell that he is a man of faith. His introductions only made me wonder why he needed my prayers when his religious affiliations gave him a stronger connection to the almighty.

"So bakit ka nandito? Are you a brother, may community ka ba, order, etc."

"I'm just a normal person who happens to pray." Once again, his lousy attempts to communicate drove me ballistic.

"Wow. Pinahanga mo naman ako, bihira lang ako maka-meet ng totoong lalaki na nagdadasal." Gotcha, my instincts did not fool me this time. His unnecessary complements only triggered me to put thick walls between us.

"Dude, I'm praying. Can we just talk after I'm done." He got back to his senses, he quietly retreated from his assaults.

I do not know if he was trying to be very friendly but his careless actions would have got him a blow right on his face. You see, one thing that makes me really, really furious is when a stranger touches my things without my permission. As I calmly utter the last of the Hail Mary's, his hand snatched the Bible that I read at the start of every mystery. If not for my sacred promise to be a little less snooty this week, he could have raised hell at a moment's notice. Arming myself with infinite patience, I overlooked his transgression and focused on my prayers instead.

My prayers were drawing to a close and at the back of my head, I had an idea what would happen next. Much as I try to avoid hurting his feelings, compromises had to be made. It wasn't his fault that my appearance caught his interest. It's like the tables were overturned on me, had I've been more aggressive in pursuing the eye candy. Uttering my final prayers, I finally felt the spiritual link that I sought all morning.

"Lord I know that I'd be committing a lie if this guy continues to annoy me. I know he will so I hope you would understand if I would appear too aloof to accommodate his presence. Jesus Christ, upon reading the passages in the Bible had his snooty moments too. I will keep in mind not to be too harsh on him, and I pray that my actions would be forgiven, no matter how self-serving they are."

I made a sign of the cross, which was the same sign the pursuer was waiting all this time.

---

"So puwede ka ba maging friend?"

"Ayos lang. Yun lang naman pala eh." I said somewhat sarcastically.

"So bakit kailangan mo ng enlightenment samantalang mas malapit ka sa Diyos kesa sa akin."

"Wala lang, medyo naliligaw lang ako ng landas paminsan-minsan. Alam mo na, gusto kong maging straight ang buhay ko."

"Kaya nga tayo pumupunta sa simbahan para magkaroon ng kapayapaan diba?"

"Alam ko naman yun eh... Wala lang."

"So anong maipaglilingkod ko sa iyo dude?" I finally decided to cut the chase.

"Puwede ba makuha ang number mo?"

"Wala akong cellphone pare eh."

"Ganun ba? So paano kita makikita?"

"Tiyempuhan mo ulit ako dito."

Before we left the premises, he finally spoke about his sexuality. He confessed that he fell in love with men and women in different phases of his life. I rolled my eyes in anticipation for his final spiel.

"Ikaw ba, ayos lang sa iyo ang ganun?"

"Hindi ako nanghuhusga ng kapwa tao. Kung saan sila masaya edi okay lang sa akin." If he only knew, I was rooting for the guy who sat beside me before he showed up.

"Eh paano kung gusto kitang maging kaibigan, o kaya mahalin ka, papayag ka ba nun?" His remarks were flattering really, but I'm simply not into him. His lousy approach had already put me off.

"Pasensya na pero hindi ako pumapatol pare." Apologies for betraying the rainbow code. Even straight-acting guys like me have to turn our backs if it calls for self-preservation.

"Sana hindi yan ang rason kaya gusto mo akong maging kaibigan..."

He still insisted in getting my number while waiting for an FX to pass by the road. All his attempts were met with stiff resistance. Though I cannot deny that I underestimated his persistence, I was profoundly impressed by his gall to cross lines I would never dare step my feet on. Blame it on my pride, or some made-up situations where such attempts would surely end in humiliation. Point it on past rejections I never got over with, but no, I would not subject myself to such troubles especially now that I can easily send my fleet to any seas I am invited.

An FX bound for Cubao emerged from a corner barely after we arrived. Much as I would like to give him the pleasure to harass me for the last time, I had to go and head for work. Raising my right hand to hail the incoming vehicle, I bid my goodbye to the gentleman beside me. "It was a lesson learned," I told myself. "Had I followed his lead and did the same thing to the guy I came across shortly before he came, I would end up making a fool out of myself."

The almighty spoke to me this morning. The house of heavenly worship cannot afford to have a garden of earthly delights.

Instaboylet

"Pare puwede ka ba makausap?"

The tone of his text message revealed a sense of urgency. Instead of responding with another text message, I immediately called his number to get into the heart of his distress call.

His name is Zoey, a straight tropa back from college. We may not see each other regularly but in times of trouble, I usually get the first SOS message. So I knew how to act and this time my hunches were correct.

"Na trouble ako dude, may kilala ka kayang nagpapa-room for rent?"

It didn't take long for me to figure out his story. Apparently, his life is under threat from elements he has no idea. His hassles began after a series of affairs with women of acquaintance last week. Being a marketable bachelor, it wasn't hard for him to get the attention of the ladies he wanted.

I would have referred him to a friend who might know someone who offers his space for rent but the tone of his voice required a delicate maneuvering. We have been this way since college. When thing get beyond his control, it was me who often takes the burden away from him.

Realizing that he needed a company, I offered my place as a sanctuary. It would be like the old days again except this time,

He knows I am not straight.

---

Afternoon came and our updates became increasingly recurrent like how lovers send text messages to one another. Maybe I was exaggerating our digital exchanges for I was feeling a little mushy at that time. Who wouldn't be, I was blissfully having a stroll around the tree-lined roads of Diliman as tracks after tracks of Alternative Music played on my iPod. Sun rays peaked through the canopy of trees giving the surroundings a portrait of a perfect sunset. Sweaty joggers passed by but my mind was elsewhere. I was painting a scene of two male lovers exchanging vows of companionship under the clear blue sky.

The daydream would have went on if not for Zoey's request to pick him up in his office somewhere in Roxas Boulevard.

And so I left the serene landscape of my university to wade through the chaotic streets of Manila. An hour later, I found myself in Zoey's lobby waiting for him to leave his cubicle. He showed up 15 minutes later visibly distraught at how his charms backfired on him.

---

"Ikaw kasi eh, dami mong tsiks." I jested to the visibly annoyed casanova.

The journey going home was uneventful. There were no car chases or hooded men on bikes following our cab. My companion would call a family member or two to inform them of his whereabouts. He was visibly exhausted after days of sleeplessness. We proceeded directly to my room when we arrived home. There were no awkward introductions to housemates because I was assured that I brought home someone my mother knew way back from long ago.

It was like the old times again.

Zoey was the first guy I met in college. I remember our first introductions beside the stairs while waiting for our class to start. He was my platoon mate in ROTC so there were times he slept over at my place especially when we were needed to report in the field at 6 in the morning. There was even a time he was my Valentines Date after our dates ditched us that morning. We watched a movie together in Megamall and ate lunch in one of the restaurants at the ground floor. Despite the good times, our friendship was never an ideal one. We drifted apart sometime in our sophomore year after a brief confrontation about the reality of our friendship. He wasn't used to being looked after especially by a guy who is far taller than him. I had long suspected that our unbreakable bond fed the imagination of everyone and he was being pressured to push me away lest he might be seen as someone tripping over the homo line. I pulled back after that confrontation and found someone who appreciated my devotion as a tropa.

However it was us who drifted apart after third year and Zoey continued to linger on even beyond our university years.

He changed into his sleeping attire when we entered my room. There were no conversations after we lied on the bed for I already sounded the alarm as a precaution for a possible assault. We never had histories of being intimate but knowing how I respond to provocations, a slightest hint even from a long-time tropa like him will be met in kind. I cannot deny that he perfectly fits the profile of guys I flirt in Malate and what held me at bay was my no-first strike policy in any intimate matters with men.

Zoey fell asleep immediately after placing his head on one of my pillows.

---

The night was a fairy tale which allowed us to live a life like we had a decade ago.

I woke up Zoey at past ten thirty to have our dinner. In our younger days, we would eat at the same time after exhausting our senses playing Need For Speed or Worms Armageddon the whole evening. That night, the maid prepared Pork Adobo and Hard Boiled Eggs for our supper. Mom was watching her favorite telenovela in the sala so they were able to update each others lives while the table was being set for our hapunan. After dinner has ended, we went out to get some fresh air. The truth was, we just wanted to puff a stick of cigarette and have a little bonding time for ourselves. It didn't take long and we're back again in my room. He checked some emails and viewed the Friendster accounts of his ladies before returning to my bed.

Tired and exhausted from my bouts with insomnia the nights before, I only ensured his comfortable return to dreamland before I followed suit.

It's been six years since I outed myself during a drinking session with him. I was happily taken and I felt compelled spilling the beans when he told me his romantic endeavors with girls. He was the first straight guy to know my new-found life and the acceptance wasn't easy; it was a slow and cumbersome process.

Through the years of sticking together, he learned to see me the way he did back in college. I returned the favor by acting as straight as possible when he is around. However, recalling how he nearly provoked me the last time we were left alone in his place, letting him sleep beside me was a huge risk. I didn't even know if it was premeditated or he was ready for anything knowing how two single men of the same wavelength but opposite polarity almost always find themselves in the battlefield called bed.

But control prevailed that night. I have to or I may never be able to stand my ground again. The inconvenience wasn't easy. For someone who barely wears anything in his sleep, I had to put two boxers on and a white rugged sando to cover my muscular body. I even had to wrap myself in a blanket all night and put a veritable distance between us to ensure that no moment of hostility could ever exist as we slept. For the first time in many years, I was able to lie down beside another guy without any incident to ponder after waking up the following morning.

The exercise of control was liberating. It was like turning my back from all the years where lust held sway over my man-to-man affairs.

---

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Umaga na. Subalit anumang pilit ko bumalik sa pagtulog, sadyang pinigil ako ng insomnia para mahimbing muli.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Gising na parekoy. May pasok ka pa sa trabaho.

"Five minutes" ang mahina niyang sagot sa akin.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Pati ang alarm clock ng cellphone ko ay nakiisa na rin sa dalawa niyang alarm clock. Magulang ako, pati sarili kong body clock ay dinadaya ko upang mapahaba lang ang mga oras na gising ako. Nagdesisyon akong mag-gym ng alas-sais ng umaga.

Bumangon siya matapos ang sampung minuto upang maligo. Ako naman ay nag-ayos ng kama at nagbihis habang nag-iintay sa kanyang pagbabalik. Matapos maligo, ako naman ang bumaba upang magsipilyo at maghilamos. Umaga na nga... oras na para bumalik sa aming kanya-kanyang mundo.

Lumabas kami ng bahay na magkasabay. Siya ay naka-slacks at barong tagalog. Ako naman ay naka-fitted shirt at maluwag na pantalon. Ang layo ng ayos naming dalawa kahit na iisa lang kami ng pinanggalingan. Hinatid ko siya sa sakayan. Matapos ang ilang minuto ay nakapara ito ng taxi.

Papasikat na ang araw. Ang mga pupils mula sa isang elementary school malapit sa amin ay nagmamadali na makatawid ng kalsada. Sa mga oras na iyon ay naiwan akong nakatayo, mga mata'y sinusundan ang papalayo niyang sasakyan.

Hindi ko man lubusang aaminin ngunit ng mga oras na iyon - mula nang kami'y nagising sa iisang higaan hanggang sa pagsabay naming lumabas ng bahay at mag-abang ng masasakyan sa daan, isa lang ang naglalaro sa utak ko.

It's like all over again.

Para akong biglang nagkaroon ng kabiyak,

kahit ito'y isang pang- magdamagan lamang.

The Messenger and The Bench Boy

It is in the happiness of others that I find my own euphoria.

Twitter Entry, 8:45 PM

---

Entering the clothing store, you passed in front of us on your way to the exit. It was past seven in the evening and it is time for your break. Looking at your boyish face, my friend was right. You were infinitely handsome than all the store assistants we found at that Bench branch.

Standing at around 5'7, your semikal hair, fair skin features and high bridged nose are things you should be proud of. You are an absolute head-turner; a demigod one would love to stare at until your store closes for the night. If not for the sacred mission to emancipate a friend from his past heartbreaks, I'd find myself giggling in one corner after leaving me stunned with your shining passing. However, my presence has a lofty purpose. It might be my well-fortified pride on the line, but I'd give up whatever self respect I have for someone who truly deserves to be happy.

You can look at my friend and think of him as a geek. He is lean, he wears eyeglasses and he acts more flamboyant than I do. I would be his Goliath when we are placed next to each other. I would always be seen as his bodyguard whenever we go out together. Despite his frail appearance, I never doubted his ability to win someone's heart. He could win yours if ever you will give him a chance. After all, I think you are straight and you need someone like us to look after you.

So I am laying down my cards in an attempt for the two of you to get to know each other.

It is our second attempt to reach you. The first one failed when we learned that it was your off the day we showed up at your store. We went home empty handed - except for my friend who bought a speaker stand out of frustration. I was determined to succeed in this goal that I laughed after our first slump. I do not know the reasons for helping but I know it would make me complete.

And so we let you take your break while we gathered strength at the nearby Tokyo Cafe. My companion urges me to eat, while he dined on pasta and grilled chicken. He said it was his treat, but I insisted that dinner's waiting at home. I conceded by accepting his Peach Crêpe offering. At the back of my head however, it was you I am thinking of. You should be at my seat dining with him instead of me.

We returned to your store a few minutes later. We saw you carefully folding the loose clothes near the entrance like your life depends on their eye-catching arrangement. My friend ran away the moment he saw you. He was afraid that a stud like you might turn down his friendship.

We sat on one of the benches outside the mall. I had to coddle him until he was convinced that nothing would be lost no matter what the outcome is. What he needed was reassurance, a fall back plan if things would never work. "Ako naman ang magbibigay eh, naroon ka lang para alam niyang hindi galing sa akin yun kung hindi sa iyo," I repeatedly told him. After much prodding, we went back to close our journey. We entered the store with a carefully choreographed steps so we would know where to find each other.

I took a piece of paper from my pocket.

Written in that parchement was my friend's number and a short message offering his hand of friendship. I placed it carefully between my fingers as I roamed around the store waiting for the right timing.

"For all the troubles I've given to those who mattered, I will even out the deal by giving something back in return." I murmered to myself while feeling my chest throb faster.

---

Earlier that evening, I told my friend some instructions as to the things he should do while I perform my quest. It was an easy task really so long as he would not chicken out like what he did during our first attempt:

First is to enter the store together and make sure Bench boy would see us both.

Second is for him to proceed to the men's wear area to look for something to buy. It would distract the other store attendants who knew him stalking Bench boy since last month.

Third is I stay near Bench boy to find something for myself. My friend should never approach me as I attempt to get the golden boy's attention. The goal really is to seek his assistance and win his confidence before I deliver the message.

Finally, we buy something and make sure Bench boy notices my friend's gift bag. It might be our first and last attempt so better show our best than regret our shortcomings when things fail after.

I found my target still folding the loose clothes a few steps away from the exit. I roamed around the store pretending to fit the T-shirts that I would never buy even if my friend offers his credit card to purchase it. The nearest rack from him is where the hair wax, perfumes and other toiletries are displayed. The hair wax is the cheapest product they were selling so I grabbed one and then walked slowly towards his spot.

I tapped Bench boy's back which made him turn his head to assist me. With the confidence I show in dance clubs, I asked him if the hair wax on my hand is the strongest hold they have. Being partially deaf, he did not understand my question. Instead, he sought a colleague to assist with my inquiry. After repeatedly asking the same question, they both nod in affirmation.

Yes, what I have is the strongest hold they got.

What I have in my pocket is the strongest wording of liking only he would get.

Before he could return to folding the loose clothes, I tapped him again to finally deliver the message. Extending my shaking hand to give him the letter, all I could utter was;

"someone wants to be your friend."

He was deaf so he did not understand what I said.

Despite the confusion, Bench Boy took the paper from my hand and read its contents partially exposed between the folds. His face hid its reaction but nevertheless, accepted the letter and inserted it at one of his back pockets.

I returned to my friend who is at the counter paying for the slacks he just bought. We were silent all throughout the ordeal while Mister Bench Boy returned to arranging the shirts on the display rack like nothing ever happened.

Leaving the store, I tapped the Bench Boy for one last time. If only I could tell him what my personal message was:

"He will take care of you, even if it's just friendship you could offer."

He looked at me as I lift my thumb finger for reassurance. He nod in acknowledgement. My friend who was walking in front was not aware of it, but even during our last seconds inside the store, I was trying to sell him to the guy he really likes.

I just hope it wasn't me I mistakenly sold.

We walked towards the atrium to catch our breath. As I turn around to look at Bench Boy, I saw him with his charming eyes aimed at us.

Tools Of Aggression (The Final Act)

You can sound the war drums all you want,
but you cannot deny that you are still at peace.

--

If there is nothing that I could say
Turn your back and you just walk away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning

---

I.

It is already dawn.

Anytime now, the sun will rise in the east turning the starless black sky into diffused blue. I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. The air is humid enough to produce tiny beads of sweat on my chest, but the room remains a sight to behold. A Dresser made of wood, painted in white, and stood in a corner beside the curtained wall-to-ceiling glass sliding door gives an impression of opulence. The floor is fully carpeted in beige, and the soft bed, where my weary body rests under the thick sheets is big enough for three people to sleep on. The furniture around me are stuffs of fantasy I only see in my daydreams. In closing my eyes, all I could hear is the song No Ordinary Morning playing over and over inside my head.

Beside me is him, the guy I danced at Government the night before. We are both dressed-down to our boxers. Nothing has happened yet, since he is sleeping next to me. I remember when we arrived last night, he was swinging inside the room when he suddenly dropped face-down on the bed. Meanwhile here I am, still trying to catch some sleep. Perhaps waiting for things to happen has kept me awake all night. Had I not instructed myself to behave, my aggressiveness would have lead to an intimate act between us.

But my presence beside him is beyond my values. I would rather let him call the shots when he wakes up.

II.

The scene inside the room is almost like a dream. There I am rolling over and over in bed while my companion is on a faraway journey in his sleep. All night, he snored so loud, it defeated my attempts to follow his lucid wanderings. Accepting surrender, I content myself wrapping my arms around his waist while occasionally stroking his chest and forehead in which he reacts with a soft whimper.

I could have done more by pulling down his boxers and doing the deed without his consent or kissing his lips hoping he would respond in kind. But I choose to let him have his peace. After all, I think my invitation comes from his need to have a companion; someone who would make him feel secure in a place far away from home. Sex, is just an extra perk. I could leave the place still happy without getting it from him. Choosing me among the hundreds of better-looking boys on the dance floor to keep him company is enough.

Values almost had me decline his offer. Being taken has its limitations and being at the club alone is already a breach of my fidelity. What more if I dive in someone else's bed? But last night, guilt never came to me. After spending all these years being a slave to... I deserve to express this subdued side of mine. To be invited to stay in someone's plush hotel room has never happened before. No other man has ever offered me such opportunity in life.

Not even my one.

III.

After waiting for almost an eternity, he finally stirs from sleep. Bare-chested, he suddenly leaps out of bed, rushing to arrange his things in order before his colleagues knock on the door. I asked if I have to dress up and leave. He never said a word. Instead, he stared at me with his chinky eyes and I went back to hugging him like my childhood superhero. His fair-skinned leanness aroused my sleeping demons and it begin to consume him as well. Soon, he puts his arms around my head and started guiding me down...

...down to the spot that would trigger the deed.

Everything is over in fifteen minutes, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turned out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what impressions suggested on the dance floor. He thought I was a top but when I allowed him to enter me without any resistance, it lead to a union bound to be broken after the daydream is over.

IV.

I was about to leave the room when I thought of showing him the contents of my pockets. Puzzled at the gesture, he asked why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, it is good manners to let the host inspect the things I might be taking out of the room. This small act of honesty, which he appreciated leads to an opening up between us. Conversation about ourselves deepen as we reveal our lives to each another.

Soon, he was telling me he has a girlfriend. I did not bother asking how he is able to swing both ways without his beau being suspicious of his activities. His revelations is enough. He confirms my suspicion that he's a physician attending a conference in Manila. He also confesses that he is far older than what I assumed.

His face and physique however, reveals a younger person.

He asked what my plans are for the future. I said that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he bombards me with a difficult question about my life - if I am happy with it - to which I said I am. However he was able to see beyond the disguise and answered that I appear not. He then proceeds in telling his impression about me; that I am someone who dwells in sadness, gives too much effort on the dramatics and avoids being in the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to conceal it.

I smiled as he say his impressions, but deep inside, the mask I put on my face is slowly melting.

For what he said is true.

He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age of 40 is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old. He thinks highly of himself that his mere suggestion of being handsome and appealing left me nodding in front of him. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, no matter how many troubles come his way.

"Happiness is what makes a person shine. Having a positive outlook in life makes a person feel better about himself."

V.

We talked about different subjects throughout our hour-long conversation. He described his job and the patients he attend to. "Some of them are on the verge of their deaths, but you will be impressed at how they struggle to live - even just a little longer." Our conversation is turning more profound every minute that I begin to see him as an old sage, who, after shagging me that morning, freely gives his wisdom in return.

He took my hand and bought me near the glass sliding door. Pointing his finger at a bunch of trees downstairs, he secluded the lone Fire Tree near the edge of the pool. "The reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the other trees is because it blooms with life." He grips my arm to get my attention. "Have you noticed, it is the only tree that is blooming with colorful flowers." He then connected happiness, with blooming and with life, which, when I'm recalling right now, seems to have no connection at all.

VI.

His last words are, "a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the ordinary trees around it. However, only a euphoric person would appreciate those ordinary trees, more than the flowering fire tree itself."

I find his metaphors too difficult to comprehend. However, when he ends his piece with

"euphoric people are too happy, they find deep beauty even with the most ordinary things."

I understood his point.

While talking about the fire trees and happiness, he reached for his mobile phone to get my number. I told him that my battery died earlier and I would just write down his number instead. Scribbling it down on a piece of paper, my plans were already formed inside my head.

Tomorrow, he will return to the south since he lives there all his life. With his number safely tucked inside my wallet, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.

Looking at his beautiful face for the last time, it dawned to me that our lives are meant to end this way. Our one night stand is a daydream moment and I want it to end that way - no matter how I would long to hear from him before he goes back home.

I just have to learn to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...

So I hugged him tight and told him how much I enjoyed his company. This time, his coldness and distant attitude he showed when he woke up is replaced by a receptive accommodation. We never kissed, yet in our moment of parting, I felt his soul closest to me.

I just hope that while deep in slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my head.

---

And His Name Was Euphoria
May 8, 2006

Odinhood-Mugenblue Pact still applies

The Dominus Offensive

It was around 7 last night when Throatie's condition had turned from bad to worse. Last Monday, mom's physician discovered that the cause of my high body temperature since Saturday was a runaway Tonsillitis. She said that it covered the left side of my throat. It was a complete surprise for I thought that the antibiotics which I used to tame Throatie last month would still have its effects. I was dead wrong. The physician prescribed an antibiotic and despite being bedridden yesterday, I was hopeful that the drug would take effect.

However, something was wrong. I noticed that my throat had become more swollen and the temperature never dropped from its all-time high despite my persistent gobbling of paracetamol. The left side of my head was a head-splitting agony. It throbs and when it does, I moaned in pain.

I went downstairs to ask my mom who was watching Dyosa to check the condition of my throat. With a pen light in one hand, she aimed the pen inside my mouth. Her eyes were in shock. Not only were the entire left side of my throat covered with pus, the infection had already spread on the right side as well.

Panic ensued.

Calling my aunt who is a doctor for recommendation, she immediately ordered a change of antibiotics. Fortunately it was my mom who called because my aunt was furiously mad at me. You see, I was told not to go to work on Sunday. However, I love my job so much that I never listened. As a result, I was hours away from a hospital confinement and everyone's lives got disrupted because I was too careless to look after my own health.

I returned to my room because the temperature was again giving me the chills. The struggle to spare myself from being admitted is already over. As my mother and my aunt were mulling over the options on what to do with me, I was inside the sheets groaning and thinking if there's a way to lift myself from my sunken state.

Then I remembered Dominus.

Struggling to focus, I began praying the rosary using my fingers for beads. I was seeking solace from the Virgin, knowing that my head will roll when my aunt sees me the following day. Its been two months since I stopped praying regularly and much as I find it awkward to seek grace again, I thought that it was the least thing I could do.

I knew that serendipity connects my malady at present from the illness of my past. Two months after ex and I became a couple, I was admitted to the hospital for five days because of the same Throat Infection. Almost two months after winning back my freedom, here I am going back to where I was five years ago.

I guess I have achieved a full circle.

Another thing that is strange about this infection is that it is not just the ailment of the body, it felt like a corruption of the soul.

For the past few days, I was having a hard time getting sleep. It might be due to my headache, but I also sensed that something dark and hateful hovered above me. I cannot describe its form, except that it is a shadow. It speaks in my dreams but its words I could not remember.

Looking back, I've been quite cold, cruel and snooty to people this past few months. I get easily annoyed and I had turned vengeful to some. There is a possibility that in my arrogance, something was able to corrupt me. This thought, lead me to go back to my spiritual roots. After all, nothing is lost and people have been so kind to check on my condition even if some of them don't know me at all.

I swallowed the replacement pill at past 9. Mom stayed in my room until past 1 in the morning. I told her that she might catch my virus but she insisted for a mother-son bonding. At 2, I was able to sleep, only to wake up an hour later feeling much better.

At half past four, I swallowed the second tablet while watching cartoons on Nickolodeon. The effects of the antibiotic were immediate. Within minutes, I was sweating and only the throbbing headache remained. Feeling comfortable with my condition, I turned off the TV to sleep. However, my slumber was interrupted by the stinging pain on my head. Between the brief waking moments, what I saw around me was the darkness of my room. However, this darkness was gradually overtaken by pale blue streaks of twilight peeking outside the window.

For the first time, I sensed that something good was coming.

Back to my sleep, I dreamed of a battle. My eyes were wide open and in front of me was a huge phantom that was fast approaching. I'm familiar with these dreams. Once, I saw visions of zombies in my sleep and they were able to capture me to present to their leader. Uttering the words "Jesus Christ" three times triggered a blinding light from a huge pine tree in front of us. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a slope. With new-found strength, I created yellow fiery crosses as a weapon towards the approaching darkness. I hurled them towards the entity and it began to dissipate. Meanwhile, I sensed around four unknown beings instructing me for a proper head position in Gangsta speak. I found out this morning that when proper pressure is applied on the throbbing part of the head, the pain disappears.

I cannot recall the other details of the dream. One may say that my mind must still be in a state of delirium for seeing those strange visions.

However, one truth sheds light to all those scenes.

Though half of my throat is still covered with pus, the phlegm, which almost choked me yesterday is almost gone. The head might still be suffering from pain but it is not as worse as it was last night. The fever remains but the body had found a way to go around it - at least I can produce my own sweat without the aid of Biogesic.

The battle in my dream must be a sign of something:

I might have already reached the turning point.

A Lesson In Humility

It was past midnight.

Coming from a drinking spree in Timog, I asked my companions if they could drop me off along Quezon Avenue. I was low on funds and I decided to ride a jeep instead of taking a cab going home.

We reached the corner of Quezon and Panay Avenue a few minutes later. Sober and restless, I was debating with myself whether to go home or spend the rest of the night elsewhere. After all, I've already used my gimik pass tonight. Might as well extend my happy hours until the sun rises reluctantly behind the clouds a few hours from now.

A verdict has been made, and I was, swinging in favor towards going to Malate.

As I was about to cross the street, a lady in her mid-twenties approached me. She was dressed to party - stiletto shoes, mini skirt and a blouse that revealed her neckline. She was mumbling something but I didn't understand it at first, so I replied:

"Huh?"

My tone sounded like I'm uninterested. Nevertheless, the lady repeated her invitation.

"Gimik tayo." She said smiling.

Dumbfounded, I smiled back and ignored her offer. After all, who am I to entertain her suggestion when even call boys never dared to make such spiel in front of me. Obviously embarrassed, she immediately cut her invitation by saying "joke lang" as I crossed the street. The lady had become the latest casualty of my snootiness these days.

The incident would have never registered as one of the highlights of my day had it not been for a twitter update where I used the word "tangina" to describe my meeting. Looking back, I realize that it was uncalled for. No amount of excuse can justify the use of such expletive when in fact, she's just doing her job - as a sex worker.

It so happened that she might have sensed that I'm quite drunk, and horny, and she thought that a booty call was what I needed. Too bad, she asked the wrong person. Not only do my preference lean strongly towards men, I doubt if I'd take the offer even if it was a hunky, moreno guy who approached me.

A few minutes before I met the lady, I allowed my alter-egos to decide on how to conclude this evening. As usual, Darkstar was looking for action, Mugen was bored and restless, while Pulsar was tired and exhausted and wanted to go home. Darkstar and Mugen would have won the vote. However, the guilt for using an expletive to describe the lady struck so deep, I decided to go home instead.

I cannot cover-up for my emptiness by being arrogant to others.

The time was past 1 in the morning when I began writing this entry. Remembering the chick resembling Cynthia Patag who approached me along Quezon Avenue, had I saw her with eyes that exalts dignity while blurring the trappings of bigotry, our chance encounter would have been so ordinary,

it doesn't need to be written at all.

Gym Trouble (This Time I'm In Trouble)

Resistance is futile. Sabi nga ng mga Borgs.

But the struggle must go on. Hirit ko naman.

- Gym Trouble, Mugenblue

---

Dear Diary,

Ilang araw ko na rin nakakasabay si Ginoo sa gym tuwing ako ay nagwo-work out sa tanghali. Gaya ng dati, lagi pa rin akong tinatamaan ng libog sa tuwing naiiwan kaming dalawa sa locker room.

Paano kasi ay masyadong seductive tumingin ang aking kasabayan. Ito yung tipong mga titig na nang-aakit at na-encounter ko lang noong ako ay mag-experimento sa bath house isang taon na ang nakakaraan. Madalas ay sinasabayan niya ito ng pasimpleng ngisi na tipong nang-aasar. Tuloy, anumang daming beses namin magkasalubong ay hindi ko pa rin siya matitigan ng diretso sa mata.

Sa tangkad niyang six-footer, isa si Ginoo sa pinakamatangkad na member sa aming gym. Siya rin ang isa sa may pinaka well-proportioned ang katawan na nakita ko - hindi siya katulad ng mga varsity players na mga torre nga sa tangkad subalit patpatin pa rin ang mga kaha. Nakadagdag sa appeal ni Ginoo ang balingkinitan niyang pangangatawan. Talk about daddy template, ganun siya. Malaki na rin ang improvement ng kanyang araw-araw na pagbubuhat kaya't pasuotin mo lang siya ng army fatigue at marami ang maniniwalang isa siyang colonel sa sandatahang lakas ng ating bansa.

Maraming beses na binalak kong magsimula ng usapan sa aming dalawa, subalit siya ang laging tikom ang bibig at ayaw magsalita. Marahil ay nasanay na siya sa aming larong sulyapan o sadyang ito ang larong alam niyang gawin saang gym man siya magtungo. Sa akin naman ay medyo nabasa ko na ang kanyang mga galaw sa tagal naming nagsisilipan. Sa daming beses na nag-attempt si Ginoo na mang-seduce sa akin, isang tapatan lang sa shower cubicle at di malayong gumuho ang lahat ng depensang itinayo ko laban sa kanya.

Wala pang isang oras ay natapos ako sa aking work-out. Mahuhuli kasi ako sa trabaho kung hindi ko bibilangan ang bawat segundong pahinga ko. Si Ginoo naman ay tuloy pa rin sa kanyang dumbells. Paminsan minsan ay susulyap ako sa kanya sa pag-asang mahuli. Siya naman ay titingin sa akin sa tuwing break ng kanyang set. Ganoon ang estilo namin kanina hanggang sa pumasok ako sa loob ng locker room.

Sa pag-asang gaya noong una naming pagtutuos ay susunod ulit siya sa akin.

Nakaupo sa isa sa mga benches, dahan-dahan kong hinubad ang aking black sandong basang-basa ng pawis. Kasunod nito ang pagtanggal ng earphones sa aking tenga upang ilagay ang kasama nitong iPod sa loob ng aking bag. Madilim ang paligid at tanging ako lang ang nasa loob. Habang pinagmamasdan ang bato-bato kong balikat sa salamin ay biglang pumasok ang isa kong katropa upang kumuha ng bagong face-towel sa kanyang locker. Akala ko ay si Ginoo na. Nag-intay pa ako ng ilang sandali upang pakiramdaman kung kumagat sa pain ang aking target. Mukhang hindi yata.

Konting intay pa... magrereply muna ako sa text ni Centurion bago tumungo sa shower room. Mukhang busy pa ata ang aking pakay at papasok ako sa trabahong walang insidente na naganap sa locker room.

"Katatapos k lang mggym. Haha..." Text ko sa pinuno nang biglang pumasok ang pawisang si Ginoo na halatang nagmamadali makaligo sa shower cubicle.

"mdyo tense d2. Kasbay k c ginoo."

Matapos ma-send ang text message ay mabilis akong sumunod kay Ginoo sa loob ng shower room ng hindi man lang iniisip kung tama ba ang aking ginagawa. Sa takbo ng mga pangyayari, iniisip ko lang na may naghahamon sa akin at wala sa aking mga plano ang umatras sa laban.

Ang shower room sa aming gym ay nahahati sa limang cubicles bawat bahagi. Tanging plastic na kurtina lamang ang nagsisilbing panakip nito upang huwag masilipan ang mga members na naliligo. Sa tuwing ako ay nagsho-shower ay pinipili ko ang ikalawa sa dulo na cubicle sapagkat ito lamang ang isa sa mga shower na may dumadaloy na mainit na tubig. Tiyempo naman kanina na ang pinili ni Ginoo na shower cubicle ay ang katapat ng paboritong cubicle ko.

Pinihit ko ang shower valve at nagsimulang bumuhos ang mainit na tubig sa aking katawan. Ramdam ko ang init ng tubig habang ito ay dumadaloy sa bawat muscle ng aking balikat at dibdib. Sa katapat na cubicle naman ay maririnig mo ang ungol ng isang lalaki. Kung dati-rati ay ungol romansa ang aking narinig, ngayon ay tipikal na ungol lamang ito ng isang nilalamig na tao.

Subalit kapansin-pansin ang malaking siwang sa kanyang kurtina. Nang ito ay aking silipin tanaw ko kaagad ang kanyang morenong kahubdan. Isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito. Hindi na talaga biro ang kanyang hamon.

Sa halip na magbanlaw kaagad ay pinagpatuloy ko ang aking paliligo. Sa bawat silip sa siwang ng aking kurtina ay matatanaw ko na nakasilip rin si Ginoo sa akin. Katulad ko ay nakapwesto siya sa dako ng cubicle kung saan makikita namin ang bawat isa. Nagpatuloy ang aming pakiramdaman...

...Hanggang sa nagtama ang aming mga mata.

Kung dati-rati ay dinadaga ako sa kanyang pang-aakit, ngayon ay buong tapang kong nilabanan ang kanyang hamon. Sa tinagal-tagal naming naghuhulihan ng mga mata sa kabila ng pang-aamoy namin sa bawat isa, mauuwi pala sa lahat ang ganito:

Exhibition sa shower cubicle

Buong tapang na nilakihan ni ginoo ang siwang sa kanyang kurtina hanggang sa tumambad sa akin ang kanyang maskuladong katawan. Mula sa malapad niyang balikat ay unti-unti kong nasilayan ang maumbok niyang pectorals sa dibdib. Ito ay kanyang nilalamas habang dahan-dahan pa niyang nilalakihan ang buka ng kanyang kurtina upang matanaw ko ang namumuong pandesal sa kanyang abdominals. Ito ay dinadaluyan ng malamig na tubig patungo sa kanyang pelvic region kung saan na-focus ang aking mga mata sa tigas na tigas niyang sandata na sinimulan niyang salsalin sa harap ko.

Tangina, sa daming beses na inisip kong tatlong pulgada lang ang haba ng kay Ginoo sa pag-asang matuturn-off ako sa alindog na kanyang dala, yun pala ay doble ang haba nito sa totong buhay. Ngayong ito ay naghuhuminding at galit na galit sa harapan ko habang ang may-ari naman nito ay tuloy ang pang-eenganyo sa akin, isang pasimpleng lipat ko lang mula sa aking shower cubicle patungo sa kanya ay tiyak langit ang kauuwian ko.

Nang mga oras na iyon, naglalaro sa aking isip ang magbanlaw at lumipat ng shower cubicle patungo sa kanya. Doon ay magyayakapan kami habang kinukuyumos niya ng mga halik ang aking labi. Matapos ang madaliang foreplay, uutusan niya akong tumalikod upang iposisyon ang galit na galit niyang sandata sa aking likuran. Isang pagtarak... dahan-dahan... habang ito ay bumabaon sa akin. Sa kanyang mga bayo'y mararamdaman ko ang buong bigat ng kanyang katawan habang ang kanyang mga kamay naman ay naglalaro sa aking dibdib at galit na galit na ring pag-aari.

Kaysarap sanang magisip ng ganung eksena. Porn na porn talaga.

Subalit habang siya ay buong angas na nagsho-show sa akin, ang tanging naisauli ko sa lahat ng kanyang effort ay ang pagsiwang ng malaki ng aking kurtina upang ipakita ang aking alagang anung pilit ko man laruin ay ayaw talaga tumigas. Marahil sa mga oras na iyon ay naghalo ang pride at takot na mahuli ng mga kinauukulan kaya't nawala ang libog sa aking katawan. Likas lang siguro sa akin ang maging masunuring bata na kahit na-corner na ng kalaban, ako rin ang gumagawa ng paraan upang makawala.

Natapos ang shower scene na walang naganap sa aming dalawa. Naroon siya na nagbabanlaw samantalang ako naman ay parang tangang nag-iintay na siya ang pumunta sa cubicle ko. Talk about pride. Sinira ko pa ang lahat nang humirit ako sa gitna ng kanyang pagjajakol na "Hanep ang bigat ng benchpress mo kanina ah..." na sinuklian naman niya ng pangiti na may halong pagkaasar.

Had it happened elsewhere, I would have settled my score.

Bumalik kami sa locker room ng walang imikan. Hindi na rin siya sumulyap sa akin matapos ang insidenteng naganap sa shower room. Balakin ko man kunin ang kanyang cell number, subalit kung siya na mismo ang ayaw makipag-usap, pagbibigay respeto na ang pagdistansya ko sa kanya.

Wala na rin naman akong inaasahang insidente na magaganap sa susunod naming pagkikita.

At dito nagtatapos ang kwento ni Ginoo. Anumang pantasya o pangarap ang likhain ko para sa aming dalawa; siya man ang tipo ng lalaki na handa kong protektahan, barkadahin at pakisamahan sa abot ng aking makakaya, sa totoo'y ako rin ang tumapos sa aming dalawa.

I succeeded in confirming my suspicions that Ginoo is a certified tripper...

... only to see him go.

Under 1 Minute

Saturn keeps asking you to be responsible and make sure that whatever you do is in alignment with your ultimate goals, and there’s a reason why he’s asking. You’re moving into a high-powered position, and you’ll be there very shortly, if you’re not there already. As a major voice of authority in the world, you’ll need to be the example of a well-integrated person, whatever that means to you. This week your desire for adventure will far outweigh your capacity to reason, so please be conscious. You can have a great time, spending your money and sharing the fun with everyone you know, but in the end you have to be sure that the way you come off to others isn’t undermining all your hard work. This week you could throw away a decade of labor for a moment of fun. Proceed with care.

Astrological forecast for the week of April 21 - 27, Sagittarius
Notes Along A Journey Blog

---

Darkstar: Joms ang tanga tanga mo talaga!

Joms: Alam ko, and I am so proud of my stupidity.

Mugen: Haha Pucha under one minute, nakahanap ka kaagad ng karir pagkapasok mo sa loob ng Che'Lu. Sinong mag-aakalang ganito ka na kabangis ngayon.

Joms: Kaya nga matindi rin ang control ko eh. Alam ko kung ano ang potentials ko... matagal na.

Pulsar: Ano ba talaga ang nangyari. Magkwento ka naman for the sake na may pag-uusapan tayo.

Joms: Ganito yun mga parekoy. Sinamahan ko yung mga tropa ko sa Odders mag-Malate ngayong gabi kasi daw matagal na silang hindi nakakabalik dun. Nagmamagandang-loob lang naman ako dahil sa kanilang lahat, ako lang talaga ang hindi nawalan ng connection sa lugar. In fact, karamihan nga ng mga ka-generation namin ay bathouse at massage parlors na ang pinupuntirya eh. Just for old time sake, I went to Malate and brought them with me.

Pulsar: Okay. Bakit ka sinabihan ng tanga ni Darkstar?

Joms: As usual, balik ako sa dating hang-out. Nagkataon naman na habang papunta kami sa dance floor ay may na-ispatan akong lalaking pasok na pasok sa trip ko.

Mugen: Nagkataon na trip rin niya si Joms. We could see it in his eyes.

Pulsar: Mind describing this guy to me?

Joms: Ordinary guy lang siya sa standards ng marami. Mga 5'6 ang tangkad, payat at kayumanggi ang kulay ng kanyang balat. Naka-cap siya na white at yellow ang suot niyang polo.

Pulsar: So anong nakita mo dito sa binata at bakit mo siya nagustuhan?

Darkstar: Ako na ang sasagot para kay Joms. Gaya ng mga natritripan niya, he stands out among the crowd. Mukhang sanggano. May goatie na, may soul patch pa sa mukha. Mapungay ang kanyang mga mata at sa tindig pa lang ay alam mong barako siya.

Mugen: Yeah. Rugged type ang gusto ni Joms eh, and he very much fitted into his ideal guy.

Pulsar: Gaya ni Bamboo-looking guy at ni boylet from last time?

Joms: Oo. Ewan ko ba, bakit may fetish ako sa mga lalaki na mukhang muslim o kaya naman ay bad boy. Kulang na lang ay bentahan niya ako ng dibidi eh.

Darkstar: Matangos kasi ang ilong kaya ka baliw sa kanya.

Pulsar: So anong nangyari pagkatapos.

Joms: Obviously gusto namin ang isa't isa. Pero dude, I swear, hindi ako sasama ang loob kung mapupunta siya kay Nate, yung isa kong tropa. Nung una nga, sila ang gusto kong i-pair up eh.

Darkstar: Kaso mo, kay Joms siya pumunta. Si Joms rin ang unang nagpakita ng interest sa kanya.

Mugen: To continue the story, nagsayaw sila for around two hours. Walang palitan ng partner yun ha. At mind you, close dancing ito. I wouldn't be surprised if they touched each other's body dahil dun.

Darkstar: Which is what they actually did. Grabe. Ang sarap sana halikan ng chest nung guy. Balbon kasi. Arghhh!! Bakit ba kasi ngayon pa naging torpe si Joms eh.

Pulsar: Is that all that happened?

Joms: Ah eh..

Darkstar: To continue the story. Masikip sa loob ng dance floor. Nagkataon na umatake na naman ang pagiging knight in shining armor nitong kupal nating kaibigan kaya hayun, feeling protected ang lalaki. Sa lapad ba naman ni Joms, literal na binakuran niya si binata habang sayaw lang ng sayaw ang lalaki. Naghubad pa nga siya ng damit eventually eh.

Mugen: Habang si Joms naman ang nalamog sa lahat ng mga dumaraan. Ewan ko na lang, if some guy did that to Joms, hindi rin ako magtataka na lumambot talaga ang puso niya sa taong ito.

Darkstar: Which I think is what really happened. Even toughies would appreciate being protected when they feel vulnerable. It's a human nature.

Joms: How I wish someone would do that to me. Pero sadya atang ako ang laging mahilig tumapat sa line of fire eh.

Pulsar: Any violations you did? Tahimik si Dominus. Something naughty must have happened.

Joms: Ni-lips to lips ko yung guy. Masyadong tense ang aming sayawan eh, bumigay ako sa kanya.

Darkstar: Ni-lips to lips nga, daig pa si Maria Clara sa pagiging mahinhin humalik. Haay.

Joms: Alam ko na hesitant siya sa kanyang gagawin. He's trying to show a very masculine image to everyone eh. Tingin mo ba, bakit naghubad ako ng damit kasabay niya nung nagsasayaw kami?

Pulsar: Bakit nga ba??

Joms: Dahil ayaw ko siyang mapag-isa sa gagawin niya. Isa pa, I don't want to appear na subordinate sa kanya no? Even if my chest, I think, is still sagging, my shoulders and my back could compensate for my shortcomings.

Pulsar: Now that we have established that something happened. Did it end up elsewhere?

Mugen: Unfortunately no.

Darkstar: Sayang. Chance ko na yun para may matikmang bago.

Joms: I already violated the Awakening agreement. At least man lang, I could avert a greater disaster by doing the almost impossible by ending the intimacy right on the dance floor.

Darkstar: Gusto ka talaga nung guy Joms. Sumunod na sayo palabas, pinisil pa ang etits mo para ipaalam sayo na gusto ka niya makasex.

Joms: Kaya nga diba pinisil ko rin ng pasimple yung sa kanya para malaman niyang trip ko rin siya. I can bring him to the nearest motel if I want to. Kaso mo nagpaalam ako na may work pa ako.

Darkstar: Nagsinungaling ka nga eh... Kung di mo ginawa yun, I can give him our best. I'd make sure he will never forget us.

Joms: And as the price, I might... get attached.

Pulsar: Good thing you are aware of that.

Joms: Sa mga nangyayari sa akin at sa buhay pag-ibig ko, I have all the right in the world to look for someone who could make me feel. Namimiss ko na ma-infatuate, ang masiraan ng bait dahil sa isang tao. Let's not talk about Phanks, pero kapag nasisiraan ako ng bait sa kanya, it's because I worry. It's not because I am intoxicated with infatuation.

Darkstar: Let's not delve into that aspect of your life. Chill dude.

Pulsar: Love and lust are two different matters. The only problem is, you pretend to be tough, when you know, only a thin wooden wall prevents you from crashing into someone else's life.

Dominus: It was very disappointing. But I am proud that you exchanged your earthly desires for your higher goals. It was extremely close, but you managed to get out in one piece.

Joms: I did. I even sealed everything by giving him a fake number. I swear, I won't think twice of hanging out with that guy, especially if I find out that our interests are the same if I gave him my true number.

Darkstar: Hindi kaya nag-sayang ka ng pagkakataon para mahanap ang iyong tunay na kaligayahan?

Joms: But this is my life. Much as I would like to get a number 2, I know it is very unfair for the one. I never intended P-Man for that position, but he was, now that I am not afraid of admitting it, close to being that person.

Darkstar: Nanghihinayang pa rin ako. Parang iniwan mo sa ere yung guy.

Joms: I wouldn't mind letting you out and transform into a real human if it would make him feel comforted. I made him feel that I was his, until I decided to wake up from our dream.

Joms: Given the chance that something happened between us. I wouldn't follow my lust. Instead, it would be a night of affection. Ganun naman hanap ng mga taong nag-iisa dun diba? All they want is to feel needed. They want to feel that someone is beside them and will never leave their side. Expert tayo sa ganyang emotions parekoy.

Darkstar: Kaya ang mga one night stand mo eh nauuwi sa relasyon o sa FUBU dahil sa ganyan mong prinsipyo eh.

Joms: Precisely, that's why I avoid doing sex with sleepovers before. I make the person feel, for the lack of proper word to use, loved. Kala mo mahirap rin sa akin yun, kasi nakakaramdam rin ako. The mere fact I am willing to stay and keep the person company means I am investing my emotions. Sa pag stay ko kasi imposibleng walang sentihan ang maganap.

Joms: Remember Darkstar, I know you are my tough side. Pero know what, the best feeling in the world is to wake up with someone sleeping beside you. Yung tipo bang madiin pa ang pagkakayakap sayo at ginagawa kang unan.

Darkstar: Fine. Tama na nga ang drama. So it's the end for that guy. Sayang talaga but it's your call. Bilib ako sa self control at diskarte mo. It only shows you're becoming one with yourself.

Joms: I wish.

Pulsar: So paano guys. What will happen next?

Dominus: I suggest Joms should stop going to Malate for the meantime. Palagi na lang ganito nauuwi ang storya eh. If he really desires to achieve a higher state of consciousness, he should, by all means, abstain from all earthly pleasures.

Joms: I am just human not to long for those desires.

Darkstar: Joms is just human not to feel horny all the time. Dinadaan na nga lang niya sa Jeff Palmer madalas eh.

Dominus: But you made a promise before. Don't tell me you're backing out now that you're beginning to reap the rewards of your sacrifices.

Joms: I will try my best to keep still. It would be very challenging, but I pray that I will never forget my word.

Pulsar: Well then, the conference is over and let's call it a night. Thank you boys for sharing your inputs and explanations. So far, we're doing well as a team and we should keep it that way.

Darkstar: Sayang pa rin...

Joms: I will think about him for days. I wonder how things would have been had I given him my number.

Dominus: Only time will tell, but I believe that he is not part of your fate. You did the right thing by letting him go.

Joms: Then I resign to my current state of existence. I sincerely hope that he will find the person he is looking for.

---

Ngunit habang kami ay nagsasayaw sa dilim
at magkayakap ng mahigpit. Sa kanyang mga
ngiti at lapit ng aming mga labi sa isa't isa'y
ramdam ko ang kanyang saya sa
pagkakaroon ng kasama.

Kahit pa ito'y isang pangmagdamagan lang.

Gym Trouble

Dear Diary,

Mahigit dalawang taon na rin akong nag-wowork out sa gym. Sa tagal kong kumakain ng bakal ay ni minsan ay hindi ko inisip makipaglandian sa kapwa gym mate ko, gaya ng mga naririnig kong mga nangyayari sa loob ng sauna ng Fitness First at iba pang mga gym.

I'd always assume a straight act para walang masabi sa akin ang mga tao sa gym ko. Sometimes, I encourage other PLUs to work-out in my gym pero hanggang doon lang ang trabaho ko. Wala sa bokabularyo ko ang lumandi, ang makipagtitigan sa mata, at lalong-lalo na ang may gawing milagro sa loob ng shower cubicle. In the first place, beyond sa powers ko gawaing ganun. Ako'y isang hamak na nagbubuhat lamang.

Ngunit nitong mga nakaraang work-out ay tila ba may humahamon sa aking prinsipyo. Kasalanan ko rin naman ang lahat. Kaya lang sa pagkakataong ito, hindi ko inaasahang aabot sa ganung hamunan ang aming pakiramdaman. For a moment, I was close to living the erotic gym stories of others. This time however, I was able to deflect the threat thanks to my ignorance when it comes to reading other people's signals.

---

Nagsimula ang kwento last week. Gaya ng kinagawian ay nagbuhat ako ng tanghaling tapat upang hindi gabihin ng pag-uwi galing sa work. Tapos na ang work-out ko noong araw na iyon. Nakapagshower na nga ako't pabihis na nang biglang pumasok sa loob ng locker room ang isang ginoo na ang kakisigan ay di nakalampas sa aking mga tingin.

Mukha siyang galing sa military. Tangkad niya'y six footer, malapad at malaki ang kanyang katawan at ang higit na nakakahumaling roon ay morenong kulay ng kanyang balat. Pumuwesto siya ilang dipa mula sa bench kung saan ako nagbibihis. Palibhasa'y ka-text ko ang isa sa aking mga anak kaya naman naiwan akong nakatayo't naka-shorts lamang. Siya naman ay nagsimulang magtanggal ng T-shirt at pantalon sa harap ko. Tangina, nang mahubad na niya ang kanyang saplot ay siya namang focused ng mga mata ko sa kanyang katawan. Naalala ko bigla ang mga wild moments ko sa Club Bath kung saan bigla na lang may lalamutak sa labi mo sabay pasok kayo sa isa sa mga cubicles doon.

Di makakailang firm at maumbok talaga ang kanyang chest at malaki rin ang kanyang mga braso. Pinapantasya ko pa lamang kung paano niya ako papahirapan sa kama eh hindi ko na mapigilang hindi tigasan. Mukha kasi siyang tatay at mula na rin sa aking personal na experience eh talagang barako mangromansa ang mga daddies.

Napansin tila ng ginoo ang aking mga kilos dahil na rin sa tagal ng titig ko sa kanyang katawan. Nagkataon rin naman na bumuhos ang mga text ng mga kaibigan kaya natagalan ako bago makapagbihis. Akala niya siguro'y sadya ang pagpapansin ko sa kanya. Bunga nito, sa limang minutong nagtagal ako sa locker room ay ganoon rin ang tinagal ng ginoo. Sa halip na nagwowork-out siya'y naroon siya't nakaupo sa katapat na bench, nakikipag-text rin kung kanino kagaya ko.

Natapos lamang ang eksena nang ako na mismo ang nagpasyang tumayo at lumabas ng locker room. Saglit lamang ang pagitan namin at tumayo rin siya't dumiretso sa cardio machines.

Upang makaiwas sa tawag ng tukso, nang sumunod na work-out ay nagdesisyon ulit akong bumalik sa panggabi.

---

Limang araw ang lumipas at nakalimutan ko na ang mga pangyayari. Inassume ko na rin kasi na maaring nag-fefeeling lang ako't wala naman talagang kahulugan ang mga eksena sa amin. Bumalik ulit ako sa tanghaling schedule kanina upang bigyang space ang night-out ko mamayang gabi. Akala ko ay natatapos na roon ang kwento, ngunit ito'y may kasunod pa pala.

Natatandaan ko ang mga tagubilin ni Tripper nang isinangguni ko sa kanya ang mga nangyari last time. Ang sabi niya, obserbahan ko daw maiigi ang kilos ng ginoo sakaling magkasalubong ulit kami sa loob ng gym. Sabi ko pa nga'y malabo na iyon dahil nakalimutan na rin niya siguro ang mga nangyari. Yun ang aking pagkakamali, sapagkat hindi pa ako natatapos sa benchpress kanina'y siya namang dating niya sa gym.

Iba talaga ang hamon, lalo na't alam ng kalikasan kung gaano katindi ang iyong paglaban sa libog.

Pagkadating na pagkadating pa lang niya'y nagkasalubong na kaagad ang aming mga tingin. Noong una pa nga'y dedma lang ako't baka dahil sa labo ng mata ko'y sa iba pala siya nakatingin at hindi sa akin.

Pero si ginoo talaga ang gumagawa ng paraan para magpakiramdaman kami. Mula sa Benchpress hanggang sa 185 lbs kong Squats - na dinedicate ko kay Punked kaninang umaga ay panay ang tingin ng lalaki sa akin. Hindi pa siya tumigil doon sapagkat habang ginagawa ko ang Dynamic Rows ay dumaan siya sa tapat ko. Malinaw at matagal ang aming titigan na tila ba may halong meaning. Nakita ko pa nga siyang ngumiti eh. Ako nama'y handa nang mag-reach out at makipag-usap sa kanya. Ang problema nga lamang ay hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin.

Hindi ko kasi napapansin na mabigat ang kanyang binubuhat.

Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ang program na kanyang sinusunod.

Natapos ang aking work out na walang nangyari. Pagkaraan ng matagalang titigan ay napunta rin sa wala ang lahat. Bumalik ako sa locker room ng hindi lumalapit sa kanya. No use rin kasi't wala naman akong balak makipag-kwentuhan pa. Natatakot rin akong mag-assume at baka mali pala ang basa ko. Hindi rin kasi ako sanay sa ganitong klaseng kalakaran.

Kaagad akong nag-alis ng sando't pumunta sa shower cubicle. Siya namang pasok sa locker room ng isa pa naming kasabay sa work out na semikal at maganda rin ang katawan.

Habang nasa cubicle at naliligo ay bumukas ang glass door ng shower room. Bumukas ang kurtina ng isang cubicle hindi malayo kung saan ako nagshoshower. Rinig ko ang pihit ng gripo at ang kasunod na patak ng tubig galing sa showerhead.

"Ah si semikal cutie nagshoshower na," pangiting bulong ko sa sarili.

"Ohhhhh, Ahhhhh... Ummmm..." May ungol galing sa kabilang cubicle habang squeaky ang tunog ng kanyang pagsasabon ng katawan.

Sa loob-loob ko'y natatawa na lang ako sa kasabayan ko. Posible kasing malamig lang ang tubig at bumubwelo lang siya gaya ng ginagawa ng lahat kapag bumuhos ang malamig na tubig sa katawan ng isang tao. Kapansin pansin nga lang na masyado siyang ma-eskandalo sa kanyang pag-ungol.

Tila ba may ibang kahulugan ang mga ingay na nangagaling sa loob ng kanyang cubicle.

Pamilyar kasi sa akin ang mga ungol na iyon. Iyon ang mga klase ng ungol na sabayan mo lang ng bayo at tiyak pareho kayong pupulandit sa chorus niyo. Hindi ako magkakaroon ng mga regular SOP buddies noon na panay ang miskol sa akin tuwing sasapit ang madaling araw kung hindi ako eksperto sa mga bagay patungkol doon.

Kumbaga nga sa pag-aaral. Nasa doctorate degree na ako pagdating sa SOP.

Dali-dali akong nagtuyo ng katawan at lumabas ng aking cubicle upang umiwas na rin sa aking maduming iniisip. Sabagay, baka naman talagang nilalamig lang si semikal cutie kaya naman ang ungol eh parang may karomansahan sa loob ng shower cubicle niya.

Pero laking gulat ko na lang sapagkat sa aking paglabas ng salamin na pintuan ay naroon pa si semikal cutie at nag fle-flex ng braso sa harap ng salamin.

Doon ko na-realize na kung sino man ang kasabay kong nag-shower ay makahulugang nagpapatama sa akin. Tama yata ang hinala ko. Ungol ng isang barakong nanghahamong makipagsalsalan ang narinig ko't hindi isang ungol ng nilalamig sa tubig.

Ilang minuto pa'y lumabas ang lalaking kasabay ko sa shower.

Tangkad niya'y six footer, malapad at makisig ang kanyang pangangatawan at dahil wet look pa ang kanyang morenong kutis ay higit na mas kalibog-libog ang tindig niya sa may pintuan ng shower room.

Sadyang sumunod pala sa akin si ginoo. Ang lahat ng kanyang galaw simula pa noong isang linggo'y malinaw at wala ng kaduda-duda pa.

---

Epilogue: Sa tapat ko pa naghubad ng damit si ginoo at iniwan lang ang kanyang puting brief para higit na mas makakuha ng pansin... sa akin. Balak ko sana siyang tapatan sapagkat kahit higit na mas maliit ang katawan ko'y may ipagyayabang rin naman ako... Ang problema nga lang ay masyado nang bakat sa brief ang sa akin, kaya naman napilitan akong mag-t-shirt muna bago palitan ng pantalon ang aking suot na shorts. Hindi na rin ako tumingin sa kanya upang umiwas sa anumang pakiramdaman na maaring mauwi pa kung saan.

Ayoko sana mag-assume ng mga bagay-bagay, lalo pa't hindi naman talaga ako tiwala sa aking kakayahan. Pero simula kay taxi driver hanggang kay ginoo ay tila ba may malinaw na connection sa mga naganap nitong linggo. Ayoko rin sana isipin na dahil sa deprived ako ngayon sa aking pangangailangan ay iba na ang tingin ko sa mundo. Mahirap magbitiw ng salita... at sa totoo'y hindi ko alam kung gaano ako tatagal ng walang earth-shaking...

Ang mga kaganapan ay kasalanan ko rin lahat. Ako ang unang tumingin. Siya lang ang kumagat at pumansin sa akin. Given that the events happened at a time na palaban talaga ako, I would have done something that would make this entry end in a KK-esque way. Hindi pa tapos ang engkwentro, sigurado yun. Pero gaya ng pangakong ayaw ko talagang baliin, hanggang may challenge si Kuya ay mag-cocontrol ako.

Resistance is futile. Sabi nga ng mga Borgs.

But the struggle must go on. Hirit ko naman.