Encantadia (Act Two)

Dumating kami sa resort na pagod at walang laman ang sikmura. Maliban sa kornik na binuksan ni Dabo habang iniintay ang pagdating ni Bloiggster sa Shopwise Antipolo, ang huling kain ko ay alas 9 pa ng umaga.

Hindi nakapagtataka na habang binabagtas namin ang pabulusok na hagdan patungo sa aming cottege ay hindi ako makausap ng matino ninuman. Bukod kasi sa mabigat ang buhat-buhat kong mga galon ng mineral water ay nanginginig na rin ako sa gutom.

Kung inyong tatanungin, bakit hinayaan kong maging ganun ang aking kundisyon. Ang sagot: katakawan. Alam kong sa oras na magkalaman ang tiyan ko - maging ito'y sa pamamagitan ng paglamon ng isang mamon ay tiyak, panghihinaan akong kumain pagdating ng hapunan. Sayang naman ang mga pagkaing dinala ng mga kasama ko.

Ang aming cottege ay malapit sa swimming pool. Sa hindi malamang dahilan ay mukhang sadyang pinili ng organizer ang spot kung saan katapat lang namin ang men's shower room. Kayo na ang bahala mag-interpret ng mga bagay-bagay, pero isang dahilan kung bakit nabusog ang mga mata ko noong gabing iyon ay dahil sa dami ng eye-candy na aking nakita.

Mabilis pa sa alas kuwatro na naihanda ang mga pagkain sa lamesa. Naroon ang balde-baldeng kanin, adobong baboy, pansit bihon, lumpiang shanghai, ginisang hipon at pati na rin ang custard cake na sadyang bi-nake pa ni Pedok para sa okasyon. Lingid sa kaalaman ng marami ay matagal ko nang kilala si Pedok, subalit dahil nabibilang kami sa magkaibang paksyon sa loob ng isang grupo, ito marahil ang pangalawang beses na nagkasama kami sa iisang lamesa matapos ang unang pagkikita namin sa Tagaytay.

Malalim na ang gabi kaya't kaagad rin kaming lumusong sa pool upang walang masayang na oras sa aming paglagi. Dahil nasa tuktok ng bundok ang aming resort, tiyak na pamatay ang tubig sa lamig nito. Si Dabo ang may sala kung bakit napalangoy ako kahit nagpapahinga pa ang iba naming mga kasama. Mukha yatang pangarap niyang mabansagang sirena sa mundo ng aming munting Encantadia.

Nakailang laps rin ako bago sumunod sina Darwin at Lukayo. Hindi ako nagkamali, parehong swimmer ang dalawa. Matapos pa ang ilang minuto ay nakisali na rin si Pinuno at ang kanyang kasamang si Luna Mystika na mukhang kapatid ni Sirena. Halatang hindi sanay sa lamig si Luna Mystika kaya't tinuruan ko pa itong ilubog ang kanyang buong katawan upang ito ay masanay sa tubig.

Ang sarap sana makipagharutan sa mga kasama namin. Ang sirena ay ready na makipag-arm wrestling subalit walang may gusto sapagkat lahat sila ay nasa iba't ibang sulok ng pool. Ang Prinsesa at Lukayo ay dagling umahon at naupo sa gilid nang magtagpo sila sa malalim na bahagi ng swimming pool. Maaring hindi nila pansin subalit lahat ng mata ay nakatutok sa kanilang dalawa.

---

Nagsimulang maglakbay ang Jose Cuervo at yung Vodka paikot ng lamesa. Ang Tanggero ay si Tasya Pantasya. Si Tasya Pantasya ay isang malaking lalaki na mas mapapagkamalan bouncer sa Palawan Bar sa halip na isang Call Center Executive sa Makati. Sabi nila ay nagbebenta daw siya ng mga Tulips sa mga Amerikano galing Netherlands. Paborito rin daw niya manghimas ng tiyan ng lalaki kaya't hilig niya ang mga chubby.

Si Tasya Pantasya (o si Tsupaeng sa entry ni Dabo) ay higit na kilala bilang isang expertong karinyoso ng mga lalaki. Nang siya ay unang magpakita kina Pinuno sa resthouse nina Pedok, bali-balita na naka-iskor daw siya doon sa artistahin nilang kainuman. Kahit si Darwin na maituturing na pinaka-gwaping sa Encantadia ay butata sa pinakitang galing ni Tasya Pantasya. Simula noon, lagi siyang inaasar na kaya lang niya nakuha ang binatilyo ay dahil pinakitaan ito ng limpak-limpak na mga credit cards.

Noong gabing kami'y nagkasama sa tagayan nakita ko siyang kaharutan si Ewok.

---

If there is something I learned about the new batch of guys joining our group, it is that you will feel their loyalty to Centurion/FireFox. From being challenged and later abandoned during our first run, he is now the undisputed leader of a very active thread in Guys4Men. He can block anyone who crosses his path, and can walk in places assured of an entourage behind his back. Things have indeed changed and as his long-time companion in the world of PLU cyberspace, I am happy that he finally found his place.

It was already 2 am. The biggest casualty during our liquor run was Bloiggster. Darwin fell as well. Good thing, there was a willing lap to catch his head. As Dabo slept in one corner and Luna Mystika was being looked after by Pinuno somewhere in the cottages downstairs, I realized that I was in an unfamiliar company. Good thing Tsupaeng was a great host and a master entertainer.

His stories would later change my way of seeing things.


El Tumbador.

-tobecontinued-

Encantadia (Act One)

Ask me not where they got the name, but the group has been expanding since Pinuno created a new thread late last year.

This new expansion brought new faces. Some were interesting, while many would just come and leave when their intentions did not mix well with the aims of the group. In PLU Group Dynamics, the biggest threat to any Barkadahan is the Kariran. The Outsiders had to leave PEx behind when we felt that the group was being ripped apart by newcomers, who often ended up being an eye-candy or the cannon-fodder of some older members. The Alliance remains a small and informal community of PLU bloggers. Whatever turbulence we have as a group remains isolated and easy to overlook with each successful reunion. Meanwhile, the core of the Tripper's Clan immediately realized how convenient it is to manage a tight and very exclusive clique to further its aims. It may not have the ancient brotherhood of the Outsiders, or the loose bond of the Alliance, but you can see in the eyes of each member how every group activity leaves them looking forward for the coming one.

The dynamics of Encantadia is very different. It began as a kariran group during its earliest reincarnation. Its first grand eyeball triggered a split between the core and what kept it steady through the fractious months was its regular Tagayan sessions in Quatro and DB Bar. Those who stayed behind waded through the division by recruiting new members until the core had its complete reunification last December. As for the new members, many of them have moved on for one reason or another. Those who faithfully remained were the first comers - the ones who witnessed my arrival in the thread after first meeting the Diwata two years ago.

The continuous movement of people made me cynic about how the group runs these days. The rookies I met last January were no more. In their places were the ones the core had an inuman a few weeks ago. Since my absence prevented me from meeting these guys last time, (for I was in another social function that night) I decided to remain distant until the new ones were able to blend with the group. It was my stand even when it was Darwin who put up a swimming party for Encantadia. Had it not for my bigger objectives I set early this month, my presence during the welcome inuman for Bloiggster when his plane landed from Cebu last Friday would already suffice.

However, I realized the importance of this event after some deep reflections. First is that it was a Despedida get-together for a friend who is leaving abroad. Our relationship may not be close, but he is one of the core members of the group. Second is that Darwin rarely organize activities for Encantadia. To put down his passion without any consideration is something I may regret in the days to come. Finally, two invited guys only agreed to show up if I would come as well. Though they may do so in their own accord, still it would be easier to convince their presence if I throw my hat in support.

So I said yes to the swimming party even if I would lose a week's clubbing moment in Malate.

---

My shift was over by 5 pm. The two other guys invited were Dabo and Lukayo. We all agreed to meet at the Alliance Headquarters, which is a ride away from the office. Barely slept and barely eaten, it was certain that I would most likely power down even before the inuman starts later that night.

We left an hour later to rendezvous with the rest of the gang in Cubao. Uncertain of the provisions brought by Darwin's group, we decided to procure our own supplies. Lukayo parked his car in front of KFC and then we went to Shopwise to buy bottles of mineral water and chips in case we run out of food at the resort.

It was already past 7 in the evening when everyone showed up. It would be a long trip going to Antipolo so we left even without getting introduced to the others who arrived.

---

Masaya sa loob ng kotse ni Lukayo. Palibhasa ay medyo sanay na akong makasama silang dalawa ni Dabo sa lakaran kaya't chill ako na kasabay sila. Habang papunta sa Cubao ay nagsosound trip pa nga kami gamit ang Ipod ko. Evolution ng House Music ang subject ng aming kuwentuhan. Tinuro ko sa kanilang dalawa ang signature sounds ng bawat clubs na pinasukan ko at kung ano ang signs ng isang clubber na PLU.

Habang paakyat ng Antipolo ay sa amin nakisabay si Pinuno at ang kanyang kasamang si Misteryoso. Si Misteryoso ay tila parang nakababatang kapatid ni Dabo dahil sa kulay ng kanilang balat, built ng kanilang katawan at hawig nila sa mukha. Buong gabi nga namin silang inasar dalawa, lalo na nung magkasabay nilang pinagpiyestahan ang inihaw na Bangus sa lamesa. Malayo ang biyahe at halatang ramdam na ng driver ang gutom at pagod. Bilang pakisama ay hindi ako kumain o kaya naman ay umidlip habang hindi kami nakakarating sa aming patutunguhan. Madalas ay sabay rin kami magyosi dahil alam kong yun na lang ang nagpapalamig ng kanyang ulo.

Maraming pasikot-sikot ang ginawa namin sa Antipolo. Convoy kami kaya't medyo mabagal ang ahon paakyat ng bundok. Bago makarating ng simbahan ay nadaanan namin ang ledge kung saan nakipagsentihan ako sa isang kaibigan sa entry na Ridge Racer. Sariwa pa rin sa aking alaala ang gabing iyon.

Makipot ang daan sa bayan kaya't medyo nagkaligaw-ligaw pa kami bago makuha ang aming kakaining hapunan. Mabuti at naroon si Bloigg upang magsilbing aming navigator. Kumaliwa kami sa isang kalsada hindi malayo sa crossing patungong Tanay at Taytay. Madilim ang daan at tila walang mga sasakyang dumaraan dito. Nakita namin ang billboard pagkarating namin sa dulo. Loreland Farm Resort ang kanyang pangalan.

Pasado alas-nuwebe na.
Pagod ang lahat ng tao
at si Lukayo ay mukhang mainit na ang ulo.


Si Pinuno at ang kanyang Sayoteng lobo



- tobecontinued-

Stripperella Redux

What is with these muscular men who strip down, aim their digital cameras on their toned and ripped bodies, take shots of it in different lights and angles and then upload it on the internet to serve as their avatars? Have we become so attached to aesthetics that it precedes sensibilities as our emissary in cyberspace?

Some would explain that they are just trying to preserve their anonymity. Good point. After all, most of these guys live a double-life. Deep-down, their human instinct emerges and it yearns for a unique identity that will reinforce their presence online. But is this all the reason they could come up with? Addressing the issue of anonymity is easy. One can remain anonymous by wearing his favorite shirt or blurring his face and then putting it as his avatar.

But no. These guys would still get tempted to expose their well-sculpted physique in order to convey a subliminal message to others.

And as a non-straight masculine guy for seven years, I know exactly what they are trying to say.

I remember my first year in guys4men.

Back then, I was on the plus side. Not knowing the culture of the hook-up site I found myself in, I placed a face-picture as my main profile. I tried to befriend the guys I found interesting. Obviously, most of these guys are the ones whose main profile appear above so sex was never my intention. In those days, I already understood the unspoken hierarchy among gays which I tried to disprove. I sent them cordial private messages expressing my desire to communicate. These short letters would include the phrases "ang ganda ng katawan mo," or "hingi naman ng tips paano maachieve ang physique mo" or base my opening statements according to what they have written in their profiles. Unfortunately very few would reply. One even blocked me after telling this guy how I found him astig. Those who would answer back would just thank you for the compliment and then ignore you when attempting to engage them in a conversation. It's a harsh world I tell you. No wonder, some members would create threads about why guys would ignore them when they are physically unappealing. I tried consoling these poor souls by telling them my personal exprience.

I learned from the Arclight experiment how things turn around when you have the looks, body built and sensible appeal to sway over other guys to your hemisphere. As some of you have read in my earlier entries, Arclight was a faux-profile created by stealing a photo from another guy I found on Friendster. I made his character so impressive, that it was the guys who have the body-to-die-for who send him face-pictures just to win his favor. The experiment was so effective that it inspired me to become the profile I used to stalk on others.

In two years, I was able to catch up with Arclight. I may not have the appeal to win over his worshippers but my last reincarnation was able to engage the ones who would ignore me when it was my plus-sized avatar who sent them private messages. The formula was simple really: to get their attention, you must become one of them.

So I stripped down exposing my skin. It wasn't as toned as theirs. I don't have big biceps to use for intimidation nor a pumped up chest or six-pack abs to impress my physique on others. My avatar was enough to give an impression of a masculine guy trying to communicate with another masculine guy.

Somehow they understood my message.

One thing about PLUs of these types is that they are more defensive than their average counterparts. With their inboxes often flooded with senseless invitations of hook-ups or messages with prematurely romantic overtones, they tend to put up higher barriers and walls to separate those who just desire them sexually from those who would really take them seriously. If it is a carnal or romantic engagement, they would choose an equal or someone who is better. If it is a friendly banter, they would at least pick someone who could see them eye to eye:

Someone who crops their head, exposes their fit bodies and write short and conscise blurbs in their profiles.

---

This is how things are being done between two physically imposing guys trying to recognize each other's dominance.

---

And so the habit went on, spreading from one online forum to another. A guy out-guying another guy showing his naked body in an attempt to subtly catch the person he seeks the attention. It is a subliminal expression of teritoriality over a space he considers his own; an ancient behavior of dominance that others would acknowledge and respect. It is a display of strength and manhood so that others will never see him as a pushoever, especially in potentially hostile places like hook-up sites or online forums about fitness and health.

It is a tool of attraction; a recognition of his highly sexual nature.

I don't know if others think the same way.

But the moment I strip down - whether in the dance floor or in the profiles - it is the dominant I, who emerges.

Pairings

Imagine yourself being invited to a Videoke Party. There are nine of you in the group and one turns out to be the odd one out. Looking around, you see all of them inside the room - including the outcast. Everyone seems to be paired with someone and you feel a little pity to the one who was left out. You wondered how come he has no partner, when he can easily get one the moment he steps inside his favorite watering spots. He's not that bad looking either to be ignored by someone. Perhaps it was his miscalculation that brought him to this most unfortunate situation. Whatever his reasons are, you just feel guilty that you could not keep him company.

It all began a few days earlier. The newest couple in the group organized a get-together. I don't know, perhaps they just wanted to be seen and brag at how they ended up being together. You know how new couples are. Anyway, everyone was invited, including one of their friends who has a wife and kids, and still chooses to find another guy to keep him company. Funny. The guy he is with right now, which we will call Piolo for this entry was once involved with one of the guys belonging to the new couple.

Anyway, I do not know how Piolo and this guy who is married came to be. What I do know is that Piolo loves to flirt around and the guys in the group find him very attractive. I find him too effeminate for my taste, so I let him be. I just don't want him near my periphery.

Expecting that there will be pairings during the gathering, the leader asked the odd-one-out if he could be assured of his presence. You see, this odd guy has this habit of committing to an activity only at the last minute. He avoids being expected. Understanding the leader's situation, he confirmed his presence without double-checking his activities the day he was needed. However, as a suggestion, he told the Pinuno to bring someone from his legion of thread watchers. It's high time to reward the most loyal subject of his little empire.

Past 7 in the evening the following day, they met somewhere in Cubao. The leader followed the odd guy's suggestion and brought along a kid from the thread. His name was Ardent, a 19 year-old guy who's just new in the non-straight scene. The leader assured him of protection from those who might prey on his charm and innocence. His core members, after all, have this tendency to make karir to those the leader introduces to the group.

An hour later they all showed up in front of Music 21 in Timog Avenue. They were in full force - The new couple, the leader and his new apprentice, and the married guy and Piolo. The pairings made the odd guy feel awkward so he reverted back to his soloflight/free-spirit mode. I guess things would have been easier if he was fine being with the married guy and his boylet. Since they had only met twice and had a history of revulsion toward one another, he felt almost an outsider.

Barrels of draft beer kept coming and going inside their small room. Food was everywhere but since the Odd guy had prematurely binged in a nearby fastfood restaurant earlier, hunger was never his concern. Later that night, another pair decided to join the group leaving the odd guy more unease with the people around him. Good thing the new pair were never couples - they were friends, perhaps with benefits. As song after song was being sung in the videoke, the more he fills his glass with beer. In the end, he just surrendered to the truth that he was alone.

I cannot deny that at that moment he was seeking any semblance of belongingness. He is not tough as most people would think. At the back of his head, probably he was cursing himself for not keeping a squad of boylets to choose from and tag along on occasions like this. He might have remembered another party, in another group, where there was literally a mad rush among the attendees to find someone to show at the event. Good thing, the odd guy was taken so despite showing up alone in the party, he can always tell his partner to pick him up.

This time, things were different.

Halfway through his stay at the videoke night, I noticed him staring at his phone more than the people around him. He was busy texting someone - perhaps his supposed to be pair for the night. I cannot really fathom what his thoughts were, but I'm sure he would have invited his new cyberfriend if it was appropriate to do so.

At past midnight, fates have overturned the relationship between the pairs. Drunk to the point of being a little rowdy, everyone was casting their eyes toward the pair of another. The married guy found one of the guys who arrived later a little more interesting than his boylet. His boylet, Piolo, was planning to make a move towards Ardent who sat quietly beside the leader. I would learn from the leader that Piolo actually asked Ardent if he could stay in his place the next morning. Pinuno was busy crooning to senti songs, which some of us never heard before. He seems contented finding his new junior. As for the couple who organized the gathering, they ended up doing a duet of the cheesiest love songs they could find in the song list. Days later, one of the couple would sought our help to look after his beloved while he resumes his projects out of the city.

Looking around, I found the odd guy staring at the mirror

whose eyes' reflection stared back at me.

He left early that night telling everyone that he's needed elsewhere. Since everyone felt how out of place he was, he was able to leave without much protestations.

I learned the following day that he chilled in a coffee shop somewhere in Katipunan, where after a half hour of waiting, found himself sliding in the front seat of a red Mazda 3 sportscar.

He might have endured an evening being the odd one out, but the night ended with him, having a pair of his own.

Exercise Of Vital Powers

Dodong suggested after paying him a visit at his new pad last week that instead of focusing my attention to a single person, I should take advantage of my single hood and explore different worlds by meeting and dating as much guys as possible. His thoughts fumbled me. Knowing that in all matters of attachment, I try to have a one-track mind to avoid confusing my heart and avoid hurting other people in the process. Perhaps this is the reason why I raised walls and avoided exposure to places that would keep me distracted. I always believed that having a clear line of sight when it comes to romantic engagements would make the transition easier. However, realizing how much I lost by depriving myself of the opportunities to enjoy my freedom, I began taking steps to claim everything that could possibly be mine.

Days have passed and Centurion's successful GEB/Reunion is still the talk of his circle. Feedback was provided by Tagay, and from our intermittent conversations yesterday, he gave an impression that he was quite "fond" of the new recruits for he found them quite "interesting" and "cool" to hang out with.

Tagay's recollection of events and details were enough to make me very curious. I know that I could not easily barge into Centurion's G4M Thread since I am still bound by a pact with Odin. On the other hand, doing nothing except to send feelers to Centurion of my existence would not help boost my presence in the group. Somehow I was worried that when the next Inuman GEB comes, I might end up being out of place in the table.

Therefore, I had to make some provisions to the pact. With Odin's permission which he gave this afternoon, I was able to access Guys4Men using Pinuno's secondary account.

---

Guys4Men will never be Guys4Men if the website never exudes a sense of promiscuity, karir and SEB. Odin only allowed for a maximum of 15 minutes to access the website. He bought my reasons and as a token of my gratitude, I was willing to share the password should he decide to check the website for himself. He declined my offer stating that he had no use for it. As for me, the purpose was clear and the moment I found myself in the sex and intimacy forum, I sought the most discreet thread that I could find there.

Pinuno's thread still has the trappings of his old nooks. Only members who have no "face-pics" were acknowledged by the members. Effeminates were usually discouraged to join for most of them never really sought friendship. Aside from not being able to relate to the majority, experience tells that their goal was to flirt around or harass the thread for being biased against them until they get blocked by the founder. In Centurion's circle, emphasis is given to masculinity and discreetness. The more koboy you are, the faster you get to be absorbed by the group. It is this one-sided policy that made his thread notorious in the forum. What is ironic is that despite being a thread for masculines and closeted guys, we had the respect of many effeminates in the forum.

For we were never bashers despite our preference for our own exclusivity.

New profiles abound when I arrived at Centurion's thread. Some of them were already preceded by impressions from my earlier conversations with the core members. However, for the most part of my stay, I was an outsider. If not for Darwin and Pinuno's acknowledgment of my presence, the new recruits would never learn that I am the fifth core member within their "Kuyas'" inner circle.

My time is short and my allegiances in G4M remain far and wide. One of the threads that I paid a visit was the Eclipse Thread in the Sports and Fitness Forum. The three dedicated posters lead by Juan8 still faithfully keeps the thread running and continues to recruit new members they can introduce to our gym. Unfortunately, no one was online when I came so I left a post to let them know that I'm still around. In the Arts and Literature Forum, the Blog Thread where I met some members of the Alliance still looks after their little nook. New bloggers were still posting their links there. When they expand their connections in blogspace a few months from now, there is no doubt that they would stumble on this blog too.

Going back to Centurion's stronghold, I was introduced to some of the new recruits who guard the thread day and night. Mike2639 and silentboi19 are one of them. They ensure that the thread never gets buried under countless other threads ranging from seeking SEB invitations or discussions on kinky subjects such as "cum drinking" and "double penetration." Tagay was right, the new batch were an interesting mix and I look forward to meeting some of them in the near future. My brief presence reminded me of DN and his elite guard of Anime worshipers who used to look after the "Bahay" while I preoccupied myself making silly remarks on other threads or searching for hook-ups whenever I get horny.

These are the things I miss about G4M. Had I put more thrust on friendship rather than whoring myself around, I wouldn't mind going back after the pact with Odin expires this summer. However, remembering how turbulent and depressing those times were, I think it would be best to keep myself as far away as possible and depend on Pinuno and Darwin for news about home.

I logged out after staying for one hour in G4M. It was 45 minutes late from the agreed time of exposure which Odin only allowed. In my stay there, I received two SEB invitations from horny guys (using Centurion's account) which I ignored and screened a new member who is now the newest member of our circle.

---

Mugenblue-Odinhood Pact
Provision 001:

So let it be known, that today, December 29, 2008. Mugen will access the website Guys4Men using Centurion's second account. It is to personally welcome Pinuno's new recruits to the group in hopes that my presence in their drinking events would give a sense of familiarity to the new members when they meet the last of the core.

Odin was notified of this decision and, with hesitation, had given his permission to access the site for 15 minutes.

Centurion was requested to change his password when the time of exposure is over. This is to avoid further breach of agreement if Mugen would insist for a prolonged presence in that website.

---

December 30, 4:00 AM
I should have stayed overnight in a convent
This is indeed an exercise of vital powers.

Confessions Of A Boy Lover (Part Two)

"Ikakasal na dapat siya noon. Handa na ang invitation, ang simbahan, ang reception ang lahat. Bigla siyang kumabig. Natakot yata. Kinansel bigla ang kasal."

- Centurion

---

Those of us belonging to the first internet generation of PLUs would often joke around that there is no such thing as bisexuals. Everyone labels themselves as one to make them appear more masculine than the ones who brand themselves gays in the chat room. The label became so overused that the real masculine ones stopped calling themselves "bi" and instead, began inventing new labels like straight-tripper and discreet to separate themselves from the "bi's," who are now made up of effeminates-in-denial, or twinks who do not understand the unspoken hierarchy in every gay hook-up sites around.

We would scoff at the idea of someone admitting himself to being bisexual and keeps a girlfriend, when he's an expert in giving a blow jobs or takes the catcher role in bed. The real swingers would never speak of their code switching and instead would leave a cryptic answer such as "trip-trip lang" when you ask what their intentions are in conversations.

If not for Darwin's past life, the concept of someone swinging both ways and enjoying it will never enter my consciousness. He is a living, breathing example that not everyone lives with a Black and White view of things. The shaded areas where he belongs will always be a subject of much debate, but the exposure to it will leave a sense of wonder and insight to anyone brave enough to take a peek.

"Nung seven years old ako..." Darwin began while guzzling his Nth bottle of San Miguel Light, "Sa amin nakatira yung uncle ko." He paused to puff a stick of Marlboro before resuming his story. "Yung mama ko laging gusto eh pinapatabi sa kwarto si Uncle. Tutal pareho naman daw kaming lalaki." In those days, I remember parents preferring to leave their sons to a male relative's care rather than keep them with a female kin. They fear that prolonged exposure to women at a very young age might leave the male child absorbing their feminine ways. If Darwin was entrusted to a male relative, my parents surrounded me with female helpers out of fear that a male household member might do something unpleasant to my little sister. However, in Darwin's situation, the idea backfired. Having a male teenager as a roommate whose raging hormones forced him to seek an outlet made Darwin a vulnerable target.

"Gabi-gabi may nangyayari sa amin ng uncle ko."

I turned to Pinuno and saw him froze in his seat. The gravity of Darwin's story was too heavy that it left us gasping for air. "Noong una umiiyak pa ako pag pinapagawa niya sa akin yun... pero nung tumagal na enjoy ko na." Pinuno asked Darwin if he tried to tell his mom what was happening during those nights. Darwin answered in a plain tone that it was no use. The accusations might just be used against him.

The clandestine activities only stopped when his uncle left his place. Darwin, for all the trauma he took as a child, was able to live a normal life. He had girlfriends, achieved good grades in school, and got a girl pregnant in his early twenties. At twenty seven, he was ready to settle down with his long-time fiancée. The arrangements for his grand wedding were already in place and invitations were sent to friends and family members expecting a big feast. As the wedding day approached, an unexpected revelation ruined everything. Darwin never intended to hide his past from his fiancée. However, when he confessed having a kid with another woman long before they met and that kid will visit the country months after their wedding, the bride-to-be had a fit of rage.

With a sway of one hand, the wedding was called off. Relatives, who were ready to head to Manila suddenly received the biggest disappointment of their lives. The hundreds of thousands of pesos spent on the arrangements went for nothing. Darwin never even got a refund. When the dust had settled and the girl had been knocked back to her senses, it was Darwin who lost interest in the wedding. They split up afterwards.

Our friend would describe the months after the failed union as his age of hedonistic rampage. He would go to places around the country, sample their delights and splurge his money like there's no tomorrow. He was a runaway train bent on a head-on collision with the grand central station, and only his mother's timely intervention stopped him from his tracks.

His mother suggested that he should invest his remaining money in business. After all, he is getting old and needed to focus on urgent things in life - like finding means to support himself aside from getting an eight-hour job. Weary and with nowhere else to go, he followed her advice and opened a travel agency somewhere in Taft. It was the first among his several business ventures that belong to the empire he rules today.

We knew, from his earliest presence in G4M that he has a knack for being an exhibitionist in cyberspace. With his dark, smooth features and rock-hard abs, his nakedness was a sight to behold. Sometimes, he would show up in the thread just to announce having a show in the chat room. The headless guys who flocked the thread would suddenly disappear and we would later find out that everyone left to see Darwin whack his ding-dong-ding on cam.

His penchant for doing nude shows lead him from the heterosexual crowd towards the gay flock. "Mahilig kasi ako dating mag-show sa YM. Eh nung minsan, napunta ako sa Men's Locker Room. Hindi ko kasi alam na ganun pala ang mga tao dun, akala ko may mga babae." His mistake was admissible. Inside the mind of a very horny straight boy, a very horny girl would go to chat rooms swarmed by perv men. What Darwin did not anticipate is that the room was flocked not by girls but gay and bi guys.

"Hayun nga, nagshoshow ako sa chatroom pero ang pinagtataka ko, bakit puro lalaki ang nagvie-view sa akin," he chuckles. "Yun pala nung nagtanong na ako kung may babae dun, lahat sila nagtawanan kasi puro bading daw yung nandon. Umalis na ako."

However, there's this one chatter persistent enough to hound him wherever room he went. The chatter was Darwin's biggest admirer and no matter how he tried to push the chatter away, the chatter would simply come back trying to win the trust and confidence of our friend.

"Paano ko naman hindi lalayuan, sobrang bata nung humahabol tapos lalaki pa." He paused again to have a gulp of his third beer bottle after he began telling his story. "Kaso nung nagpakita ng picture, gwapo pala, tapos maputi. Hindi mukhang bading kaya na-curious ako." From that point onward, I knew something in his childhood triggered his curiosity. "Okay na sana maging tropa lang kami kaso mo nalaman niya na graduate rin ako ng Ateneo High School at naghahanap siya ng tutor para sa UPCAT."

He is aware that the stakes were high but the gains were too much to ignore. Darwin said that the kid was a product of a broken family. The kid's dad stayed in the United States while his mom lived in Germany. Both of them have their own families and it was his matron aunt who served as his guardian and caretaker. Despite having no parents, the family lived an opulent life. The kid was supported by both his parents while the aunt spent most of her time with the amigas than his senior high school nephew.

It was clear that the kid was looking not only for a male role model but a big brother who could take care of him. Darwin fitted all the credentials and the task assigned to him was very simple.

"Sabi sa akin nung aunt, i-tutor ko daw yung bata two hours every day. Four hundred ang bayad kada oras. Sa isang buwan magkano rin yun diba?" He was directing his question to Pinuno. Being an educator himself, the leader nodded at Darwin.

"So pumayag ako maging tutor nung bata."

"At nung bandang huli, nagsimulang may mangyari sa amin."

---

-tobecontinued-

Confessions Of A Boy Lover (Part One)

It used to be a big question why older men appeal to me.

My first lover was 27 when he found me drunk and dancing at the second floor of a bar in Malate. I was 21. A few years later, the oldest I slept with was a man older than my father. I was 25 when I saw myself panting and moaning at his pad one weekend night. In the bath house where I once roamed with lustful eyes, heads were turned on me. The ones who were checking were not the twinks or the jocks, it was the daddies and the trolls who stood on dark corners waiting for their unsuspecting prey to come closer. As far as I can recall, kids seldom caught my attention other than seeing them being my little brothers. It was someone I could see being a big brother that always won my heart over.

For years, I tried to study the trends so I could understand my psyche better. Do I look for older men because I long for a big brother who could shelter me? Do I seek someone older because I find them mature and engaging to be with? The answers were baffling, but I took them at face value. Complete understanding with the way I think would have been lost as years add more crumples to my face. Only did last night I began to truly appreciate that everything begins with one's formative years. Whatever happens in those crucial years of a person's life will have an impact that may last one's lifetime.

What is strange is that the catharsis did not come from someone who shares the same mindset with me. Instead, it was from someone totally different. If my preference sways toward the big brother archetypes, he was the opposite.

His liking gravitates toward twinks.

Pinuno had kept himself busy by gathering his old guards from GuysforMen. His plan was to resurrect the old clan and accommodate more sensible and koboy straight-acting men to join the group. Since the pact with Odin puts me out of recruitment, my presence serves as a moral booster to the four of us in the core. We go out to have a drink and with it flows the story of our lives. Broken bonds get mended and as the bottles of beer pile up, so is the revelations as to who we are beyond the profiles we once had in the hook-up site.

Pinuno and I knew each other long before we get to bond with the other two who now declares their affliation to the barkada. Tagay, the third will always be the guy I made out at a billiard bar restroom and get to stay closely connected after our moment. Darwin, our newest comrade recently broke up and needed the support of non-straight friends. We are the only one he knew so the moment it was over for them, he began showing up in our tagayan.

Of the four of us, Darwin has the most distinguishable reputation in the barkada. He is your typical ultra-discreet jock who holds sway among the guys he cross. He is a shameless flirt, a notorious bed mate and his exhibitionist nature on the internet had once warped my imagination. At 32, his boyish looks and charming appeal would never fail to snarl his prey. His thriving business empire and good school background makes him a very, very good catch. The only downside to all his credentials is that he only digs twinks.

For Darwin, the younger and better-looking you are, the more you become fuckable to him.

I once asked Pinuno about Darwin's life before he became a PLU. You see, despite seeing each other during inuman, I never get to talk to our new friend about his life the way me and the leader intimately knew each other. Darwin and I would horse around, gay talk each other in text messaging or talk about his life with his ex partner, but not his beginnings nor his reasons for being a bisexual.

Pinuno told me what he knew about him.

The real story however, only burst like a dam last night over countless buckets of San Miguel Light we downed until dawn somewhere in Trinoma.

---

-tobecontinued-

To Remember The Dark, Will Never Let Us Lose Sight Of The Light

Guys4Men, early this year

---

Mugen: would it be alright to bookmark you so...


....So that even in this dark and forsaken place, I would still be reminded that there is light?

Spiritual Adviser: Tell me so I can pray with u or for u ...
Miy problems is worth half a million > how much is yours. Im not loosing hope.

God is good to me all the time.

Mugen: Nothing really that big. I'm just trying to contain my urges. :)

Thanks for replying. It really means a lot.

Spiritual Adviser: Why dont u jack off or look for someone to jack u off. dont control your murges, let go to the one u love...

Mugen: I'd try that. Maybe its my exposure here that's driving me this way.

Spiritual Adviser: Exposure to way ang edad mo ay eded ng malilibog dats why u need a lover or partner to fool arouid.

Spiritual Adviser: There is nothing wrong with having a release with another consenting adult.

Mugen: It's like this. Something inside me wants to compete in those sex forums. But when I get rejected, an urge to fight back takes over me. It's like an endless cycle - me looking for approval. What's worse is that what I'm just seeking is an approval; that I could not accept being rejected.

I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.

Mugen: I know. I just think that i'm too sexual that's why I'm concerned. :)

Spiritual Adviser: With my age, I had a thousand rejections. Rejection is normal. If we are rejcted, by some one then lets move on.

50% of the guys in the sex forum are just fooling around.Pagdi mo kilala ang tao di ka dapat mag seb kasi u either get held up or hold up or std or hiv....

So be cool and take rejection with a good laugh

Mugen: thats what i'm trying to learn.

Thank you very much for listening. Next time we see each other. I will make sure i'm in a better standing than it is today.

God bless po.

Spiritual Adviser: are u a virgin in sexual matters ?

Mugen: nope. thats what i'm afraid of. If I'd unleash myself right now, I'd released the sexual side of me.

Spiritual Adviser: hahahahahahaha.

Hindi naman ganyan. I can teach u one by one if u like.
Its not that serious. Ur standards and moiral values with still control u.

my number 09164xxxxx. im glove unlitixt so pwede tau text if globe ka na. My nephew will use the pc. text ka pa glove ka. keep in touch.

U sound delicious, In my 55 years never had a virgin in my entire life.

God bless,

Mugen: Thanks. Take care and god bless. My shift is over. See you again here.

Spiritual Adviser: I will be your sex slave. hehehehehehe

---

Odin, are you ready?
Semaj, marami pa akong kwento..

Confessions Of Arclight (Last Part)

July 17, 2008

We have this saying that states "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." If you are eyeing a hot guy that you feel is superior to your looks, appeal and body size, better back off rather than suffer a tragic rejection from him. The rule applies not only to cruising places but to any interpersonal relationships that may develop into intimacy. There are exceptions to the rule, of course. But from what I have seen through Arclight's eyes these past two years, there seems to be a grain of truth to such saying.

I used the account not to boost my value, for I was fully aware that the person in the profile was not me. Arclight had his share of "hi's," "can we be friends'?" "fuck mo ako's" and all those boner-inspiring messages that were sent by those guys that I can honestly say I'd ogle for hours using my real account.

Since I had put myself in a situation where I'd always be the shadow of my fake account, it became my determination to rise up and be the person who can stand up without hiding behind Arclight's glare. Yes, the guy whose pictures I've stolen was good-looking, (I later found out that someone even made a thread for him) and the guys who used to send him hook-up messages were buffed and good-looking too.

Being the guy behind the fake profile, the pictures I've seen inspired me to improve myself.

In all the years I had these two accounts in G4M, I used Arclight's profile for boywatching. You wouldn't believe some of the guys who voluntarily sent their private pictures to me. The notes (in different cuts and sizes) were mouth watering - so were the faces that would make you say, "they are indeed God's gift to gaykind!"

If only I had the same spunk and confidence like the guys who sent me their private pictures, I wouldn't be writing this entry tonight.

I admit that such blessing (to have such gorgeous boys running after you) must be shared to others. So I let my friends access the account so long as they would never respond or befriend the guys who send Arclight "friendly" private messages. It was a deceptive move, but knowing how pretentious G4M is, it was our way of getting back. If they would ignore us - average folks when we send them messages, then we would give them the guy they'd go to great lengths just to catch his attention.

Tricking others was fun at the beginning, especially when you use Arclight to avenge your bruised ego after some jerk ditched you the moment he receives the face-pic you traded using your real account. The sweetest vengeance happens when you find out that you're far good-looking than the person who run away from your trade agreement.

However, the cycle of rejection, getting back at a jerk, ignoring someone who bores you to death, ignoring the guys who would invite you to go to their places wore me in the end. As a result, I deleted my real account early this year vowing never to return. Unfortunately, the temptations of the flesh was too hard to suppress and to address it without crossing the lines that was already sealed meant that I have to log on to the website using Arclight's account and look for "phone partners" instead. It worked for a time until I realized that I was already deceiving the people who were drawn to me because of a fake profile.

Early last week, the guilt of deceiving so many people and admitting my deed to some of them made me feel so bad that I finally decided to leave G4M for good. But before my final bow, I uploaded my own pictures - the sexiest ones that my sanity could afford, to let the ones I deceived know that I can be myself without slipping into another person's shoes. I roamed the website for one week and this time, I was able to achieve what Arclight had been enjoying in all the years he was my cover.

"hi! group orgy this sat and sun at ortigas extn. message your number if interested. if not no need to reply. Thank you."

"can u be my friend?"

"wow marunongka pla magpaligaya ng bottom? sana isa ako dun heheheh :P"

"tol sex tau? number mo?"

"who are the other Filipino writers you read? just great to see someone with hot pix here in g4m who actually reads :) of course i open the site to cruise but sometimes you find people who are interesting in other ways."

The gorgeous ones had ceased sending me private messages this time. After all, who I am to be noticed now that I'm not as ripped and buffed as the old photos in my profile. Strangely, the ones who sent me messages were kids. It only proves that I have the potentials to be a cradle snatcher long before I actually thought of it.

We always have this impression that the more good-looking or macho you are, the easier for you to find a mate. If you are talking about hook-ups or one night stands then you are right. But one thing I learned in this experiment is that the more good-looking and hunky you are, the lesser chances you will find deep and meaningful relationships in your love life. Your looks and the attention you receive had already bloated your ego that you think everyone that comes into your life is dispensable.

You tend to look and look and look, without getting any contentment in the relationship you already found.

In seven days that I have been present in G4M, most of the new guys I befriended turns out to be opportunists. They would seek your friendship only to reveal their sleazier or romantic intentions when you're beginning to trust them. Some will ignore your friendly message the moment they feel your only business with them is friendship.

Such is the life I found in G4M.

Despite my gloomy impressions, there are still avenues for sensible friendship in the website to develop. I was an avid poster in the Eclipse Thread to promote my gym and to encourage the guys in the thread to reach their goals, no matter how challenging their work-out programs are. I was also an avid follower of the Blog Thread to watch for anyone who would post their web links in the thread.

My big mistake however is that I dwelt too much on the sleaziness of the Sex and Fetish forums where the sole business of everyone was to seek hook-ups day and night. Funny how some members tried to look for true love when their personal ads said:

"gusto ko sanang magmamahal sa akin ay yung top na cute at malaki ang kargada."

you already have an idea how shallow their intentions were.

What made me sick of the place was the endless accusations and counter-accusations of people who have HIVs or STIs and still scouts the website for hook-ups. Posters in those threads were too cruel in their revelations that I avoided reading them altogether. It's like half of the community was doing a witch hunt, when the rest still glorifies the joys of bareback fucking.

The hypocrisy and discrimination was too much for me.

Guys4Men will always be Guys4Men indeed.

And since I already found happiness in being emancipated from the website before, I kept my word to delete Arclight after seven days of presence there. To think that my whoring days fell at a time when my hormones overwhelmed my renewed vow of abstinence, to come out alive despite the flood of tempting hook up invitations was already a miracle.

I will resume to my old ways of living beginning tonight. At least now that I'm free from my ties to the internet meat market,

I can draw my life the way I intended the fictional Arclight to live.

---

single
has a five year old son
has big businesses in mandaluyong
lives in rockwell center
drives a customized lancer evo

what can i say, life has been good to me
and i hope to share it with you.

Protocol Myon Closing

In G4M this evening

Two days before account deletion

---

15 Jul 2008, 21:37
Mugen: badtrip hindi man lang kita maabutan ng online. Paalis pa naman ako dito sa g4m.

15 Jul 2008, 22:20
hot_drew2X: ha? ano? di ko ma gets tol...

15 Jul 2008, 22:23
Mugen: remember me?

pictures sent with this message:

15 Jul 2008, 22:29
hot_drew2X: ah ok...kaw pala...muzta na?

15 Jul 2008, 22:31
Mugen: ok lang pare. active ka sa mga threads lately ah. Hehe sumisikat.

pa-delete na ako ng account 2 days from now. Gusto ko lang magpaalam sayo.

15 Jul 2008, 22:32
hot_drew2X: wlang magawa ei...bakit naman alis ka na?

anong istorya...kwento ka naman....

15 Jul 2008, 22:34
Mugen: tagal ko na kayang wala dito sa g4m. 2nd account ko lang to, pang-boywatching dati.

Ganda ng mga pics mo ah.

15 Jul 2008, 22:36
hot_drew2X: thanks...bakit ka nawala...anong meron?...kwento ka naman...anong pinag gagawa mo na lately at bakit ka aalis? may bf ka ng nakita dito?hahaha

15 Jul 2008, 22:38
Mugen: Busy ako sa work, school, gym. Hehehe. Lam mo ba dati pare kaya ako nag-oonline dito eh para kumuha ng inspiration sa magaganda ang katawan?

15 Jul 2008, 22:40
hot_drew2X: ganun...owwws.....ito graduate na sa wakas...nagrereview na me...ok na ba katawan mo?...tigas na ba?

15 Jul 2008, 22:42
Mugen: Hahaha congrats. Parang kailan lang eh nawawala yung name plate mo ah! Tigas? Di pa nga eh. Hehehe.

Break a leg sa exam.

15 Jul 2008, 22:46
hot_drew2X: loko...katawan mo tinutukoy ko...kasi may mga fats ka pa nung huki tayong nagkita at nagsex!...hahahaha oo nga ei...katamad nga...pagod na utak ko kakaaral tol...

15 Jul 2008, 22:49
Mugen: Loko alam ko yung nirerefer mo. May fats pa ren. Hindi naman ako kasing payat at sexy mo eh hehehe. Pero come to think of it, mga 20 lbs na yung binagsak ko since nung last time tayong nagkita. What you see are my latest pic.

15 Jul 2008, 23:00
hot_drew2X: medyo ok na nga ang chest mo...sarap na susohin...hahaha

15 Jul 2008, 23:01
Mugen: haha sigurado ko nakatikim ka pa ng mas firm sa chest ko. Ehehehe. Kaw pa!

15 Jul 2008, 23:06
hot_drew2X: medyo...hehehehe

15 Jul 2008, 23:09
Mugen: sabi sayo eh. sa gwaping at angas mong yan. Hehe. Tama na nga baka sabihin mo binobola pa kita.

Paano pare. Offline na ako. Kung di na tayo magkasalubong ulit, goodluck sa exams mo.

Nung naghahanap ka ng name pin mo dati, pinakelaman ko yung notes mo. Sipag mo naman sa school so you deserve the best.

Goodnayt.

---

I count hot_drew2X as one of the five FUBUs I had since I began playing with boys six years ago. We did it in his apartment under the same stormy weather the city is experiencing these past few days. He was a good bed partner and his extra sweetness moved me to respond with the same degree of sweetness towards him.

Rarely do I show genuine feelings to someone I had SEB. What I would show most likely is just an act - that is if the deed had not yet made me feel empty after enjoying a brief surge of orgasmic bliss with a mate. Since he was someone out of the ordinary, I decided to treat him for lunch - at a Tapsilugan near his place when we did it the second time around.

Our intimate moments triggered some feelings, which I secretly harbored towards hot_drew2X. I suspect that it was his passionate kisses, free-flowing conversation while resting between rounds, and tight assuring hugs that broke my barriers. Unfortunately, when he began calling me baby when we were texting each other one evening, I decided to withdraw my feelings by sending him replies in a neutral but friendly tone. Hot_drew2X understood what I wanted to convey and he backed off. Our communication was cut off after.

When I took over my second account last week, it became my objective to find him in G4M not to renew our ties, but to indirectly express my appreciation for giving me one of the fondest memories in that website. Good thing he logged on this evening and showed some interest in engaging a conversation with me.

I don't know if things are really over between us.

But I am glad.

That before I leave the place once and for all.

I was able to say goodbye to the only guy I had sex with, and that I took seriously in that website.

---

Pero paano ba tsong kapag ang naka-sex mo ay may potential mo maging FUBU. Paano ang gagawin mo sa sitwasyong may tendency ka maging extra sweet sa taong hindi mo naman dapat pagtuunan masyado ng pagkatao.

At siya nga pala parekoy, ano ang gagawin mo para ma-impose sa utak mo na ang lahat ng playmate ay playmate lang. Walang kaibi-kaibigan, walang tropa-tropa? Diba ikaw nga ang nagsabi, na indifferent tayo sa kanila after?

Paano ba magtaboy ng potential FUBU partner, lalo na't takot kang maging close, Joms?"

- Protocol Myon Two
November 15, 2007

Confessions Of Arclight (First Part)

July 17, 2006

Dear XP,

I mentioned in our little conversation several weeks ago the importance of looks among people like us. You are absolutely right. Appearance, especially bodybuilt plays a big role in the consideration of meet-ups, hook-ups, relationships, and even in the establishment of an order in the "world" we choose to dwell.

Harsh, but the truth is, the more good-looking and masculine you are, the more guys are get drawn to you. It's a fact of life I have to accept now that I am putting myself on display in the meat market of Guys4Men.

Unfortunately, you know that my current built could not sustain someone's attention for more than a millisecond. I've been ignored several times and these rejections crushed me. And I wasn't looking for hookups mind you, I was just trying to be friendly with other guys like us.

To get back at those who ignored me, I thought of having an experiment. I would create an account and put myself on a hottie's shoes for a change. I want to experience how it feels like being rich, sexy and good-looking. I also want to experience having a command of the market, where no-one will ever reject me because of my built. I know you think I'm delusional in attempting this experiment.

But rest assured bud, when this is over, I will learn no matter how insane the idea is.

---

The experiment began two days ago. While browsing Friendster at work, I found the account of my newest favorite radio station, 107.9 Underground Radio. The FM station plays house and electronic music night and day. It's like clubbing at BED or Government the entire week without the hassle of going to the said places and paying the pricey entrance fee. Anyway it's just a new radio station but their list is full of beautiful people.

I checked the profiles that were linked to the radio station's list of friends. One profile that caught my attention was a photo of a guy with a tribal design tattooed on his back. He was standing on a beach with his sexy back exposed to the camera. His ripped torso alone was so yummy ha, what more if he showed pa his face.

I opened his profile to check more about my potential guy. Goodness, he was so gorgeous I could have wet myself in an instant. Imagine bud, his pectorals and shoulder blades were perfect. He had pointy, high-bridged nose and a strong jaw that made his face appear commanding. He was a Chinito and was God's gift to big boys like us. Unfortunately he's married and have kids at a young age of 23. Oh well, he's one guy that exists to be admired and be drooled by the likes of us.

I already had an extra account in G4M since last week. I was suppose to do an experiment about a very ugly guy. (the photos I used were from Ms. Macaldo that was cropped and mutilated by a collegue) I wanted to know how the nagmamaganda folks from the website would respond to his flirty private messages.

However, I got bored with the experiment because the photo-cropper did not give me a new batch of pictures to add to my experiment's profile. Besides, nobody responds to my private messages, not even the most effeminate ones. After browsing the married guy's profile on Friendster, a new idea sparked inside my head. I would use him as a fodder for my new experiment. Immediately, I scrapped Ms. Macaldo's traces on my new G4m account and replaced it with the photos of the guy I found on Friendster.

The married hottie suddenly became an "unsure" tripper.

---

The new photos were approved this morning. On the profile's first two hours of being "parked" in Guys4Men, tens of private messages from other members came rushing in. Most of them sent messages of admiration to my guy's flawless half-naked body. When I responded to their messages favorably, they would send back replies laced with sexual overtones. Some were even so aggressive from the start that they would not beat around the bush and solicited hook-ups at 9 in the morning.

What's flattering about using the guy's profile was that those equally muscled guys from G4M, who would outrightly ignore my own profile's messages suddenly were the one sending messages to my experiment account. I was so overwhelmed by their admiration that I can't help but be flattered myself- even if I don't own the pictures.

To give credit to the married guy who really owns the pictures I "borrowed," I made sure that his "character" would remain dignified and noble, even if I used it in a sleazy website. I made sure that he won't appear choosy or harsh to other guys in G4M. Honestly bud, I felt guilty yesterday while uploading his pictures.

But this is something I want to experience myself.

For the first time, I felt how it was like to be attractive to the eyes of everyone.

And what I've learned from the experience is something I never expected.

---

single
has a five year old son
has big businesses in mandaluyong
lives in rockwell center
drives a customized lancer evo

what can i say, life has been good to me
and i hope to share it with you.

-tobecontinued-

Grade 3 (Tagay Mo Par Remix) Remembered

Isa pang ikinabilib niya sayo, ang tibay mo daw sa inuman. Un daw ang gusto nya. Nakikipagsabayan. Hehe.

- Centurion's text message to me the other day.

---

In the age of Kitsune, July 8, 2007

I realized that after downing four bottles of Red Horse Beer and three bottles of San Mig Light; and after having a passionate lip and tongue-locking scandal at a billiard bar's public restroom unmindful of the other guests, especially the group of fratmen who accidentally saw us; and after pressing his fingers inside a jeepney on our way home,

Never has someone made me feel so alive, especially in the posession of a certified horndog.

---

Almost a year later.

We still text each other. He's still the same happy-go-lucky barako dude that I admired before. The naughty days are over and we have established ourselves as good buddies.

But whenever I look back at that moment when intimacy was so imminent; in all my nature and habit to ditch the men who would get too close to me, who would have thought we'd keep each other's company? Even if we have some almost-nasty histories to remind us of our beginnings.

We consider each presence part of each other's life.

Signs Of His Awakening (Episode I) | Hibernation

Vassago in demonology, is a mighty Prince of Hell, ruling over twenty-six legions of demons. He can be persuaded to tell the magician of events past and future, can discover hidden and lost things, and has a "good" nature.

One early description of Vassago was that he appeared "as an aged man riding a crocodile and carrying on his right wrist a Goshawk. His eyes are hollow and see into other dimensions, but he is blind in this dimension.

Vassago enjoys changing form and has been known to play games with magicians that call on him. Once seen as a dark and menacing entity, in recent years he is now being thought of as being, playful, and mostly harmless.

- Wikipedia entry on Demons

---

I got acquainted with a PLU who dabbles into occultism a few weeks before I deleted my G4M account. In those days, I was beginning to feel sick and tired of sex threads becoming too recycled with the usual guys looking for orgies, threesomes or malicious "sleep-overs" again and again. With my home thread already buried under heaps of threads seeking sexual invitations or accusations of unspeakable illness, I decided to move into other forums where people talk about something else aside from looking for hook-ups day and night.

One thread that caught my attention was the Wiccan Thread found in the Spirituality Forum. It was my desperate need of a Mangtatawas that drove me to that place and the first person I ended up talking to appears to be a conjurer of demons.

For those who are not into esoteric matters, a conjurer is someone who invokes earth-bound spirits or demons to do their bidding. Whether these were done to gain more knowledge, wisdom or even to play malicious trick with someone is something I don't know. The guy and I talked about his interests in Alchemy. I even encouraged him to continue his passion even if his family strongly disapproved of it.

We then talked about Theosophy and my growing interest in that subject. You see, Theosophy is a religious philosophy that states that all religion are attempts by the "Spiritual Hierarchy" to help humanity in evolving to greater perfection, and that each religion therefore has a portion of the truth. I told him of my keen interest in joining the Theosophical Society. He said that once he went to their gathering where he drank so many cups of strong coffee because "their discussion made him feel sleepy. "

Though he said that the members of the society were "nice and helpful," what bothered me was his claim that he "sensed some of them were closet Satanist." It doesn't matter if these people are, but what made me back-off was the fact that I might be talking to a practicing one.

I don't find anything wrong talking to a Satanist. In several occasions, I found myself throwing my sympathy to one after a bunch of religious bigots ganged up on him in one of the threads in the same forum before. He did find my support unusual so I told him that the reason why I agreed with him is because he knows and understands the underlying tenets real Satanist adhere to.

You see, a true Satanist is proud, cold-blooded and abhors any form of hypocrisy displayed especially by those ruled by dogmatism and narrow-minded practice of faith. They resort to Black Magik (as they call them) to invoke spirits and demons to guide them in their dark lives. I never met one personally, but I am certain that I would sense their brooding darkness when I see one, and this brooding attitude and ability to use dark energy is what I'm not comfortable with them.

The conjurer I've talked to encouraged me to summon Vassago on several occasions. Since I don't know anything about demonology or conjuring before I met him, I turned to Wikipedia to find out who Vassago is. It turns out he is a prince of darkness who controls vast legions in the underworld. Though he appears harmless according to those who have summoned him, I prefer to have no dealings with the demons no matter how open my mind is to their presence.

We gradually lost contact after we have talked about the demons and summonings. I realized that he is not the right person who could show me the way in any personal spiritual journey I would like to undertake in this lifetime.

Nevertheless, for a moment in our conversation, I had an inkling thought of what powers to ask if a demon would grant me one.

True to my nature.

What I would ask for is the power to take away fear, pain and suffering of those who would ask it humbly from me.

Goodbye G4M

It's been a month since I began harboring thoughts of death.

And these past few weeks, the thoughts had already invaded even the sanctuary of my dreams.

Take for example this morning. I dreamed of a funeral procession of some people I don't know. I won't get into details, lest people might give another scarier interpretation of my dream. But it was a very harrowing experience. I woke up shaking under the sheets. My head was throbbing in pain and my thoughts were desperately clinging to the last bits of memory of that nightmare. It's like I'm trying to recount the scenes to scare myself to utter submission. It took me sometime before I could regain my composure and in my most helpless state, all I could do is hide under the comforter while reciting the Lord's prayer.

I am not good with interpretations. Nevertheless, the dream was something extremely disturbing and it gave me some massive blows even before I began my day. Gone are my dreams of sunsets, in high places looking at an endless field below. Gone also are my dreams of stretching my neck to look at the purplish sky and bask in a moment's harmony while staring at the sky above.

If one would open my heart these days, that person would discover a very very distant Joms swallowed completely by his own fears. I wouldn't tell what fears these are, but I can say that they are sufficient enough to drive me in a prolonged state of agony. Looking at the signs I have read in Wikipedia some days ago, I could only assume that what I am experiencing right now is a major depressive disorder.

The only difference is, I don't feel like talking about it with anyone and I'm struggling to get past it by adopting methods that would keep me distracted such as:

• Watching cartoons from Nickolodeon and Animax at 2 in the morning
• Playing my favorite video games like Civilization 4 (I would re-install Sims 2 on my computer after I'm done with my papers)
• Puffing Cigarettes or Huffing Vicks Vaporub
• Oversleeping
  
• Insisting to be locked up in my room.

When things become extremely difficult, especially during the random panic attacks, I would seek refuge with the Divine to keep me sane and strong in times I'm on the verge of breaking down. I tell you, it's wearing me sometimes and what keeps me afloat were the countless prayers I recited whenever I'm grasping for air. I swear, once I find the prayer booklets that my mom gave me when I was a kid, I might resort to praying the rosary just to keep myself away from my fears and depression. Indeed, faith becomes strongest when one have lost all hopes in finding peace from earthly things.

I told Mami Athena about the dream I had this morning. Its effect was so severe that I decided not to go to work this afternoon. She told me that it represents a beginning of something and I shouldn't worry about it. I don't know where she got the interpretation, but I think she is right with her reading on one very important aspect:

I am not sure what new beginnings I would face, but indeed, I am changing.

In the past few entries, I admitted that I've lost interest in many PLU affairs. I got bored with sex. I don't find night-outs thrilling anymore and I have completely become unacquainted with the night environment. The first thing that would come to mind the moment my shift ends is home.

In other words, I have turned against many of my hedonistic pursuits.

And lately, I've been thinking about the relevance of having a G4 account when I know that I have closed my doors to anyone who would force me to come out of my hermetic existence. You see, even in my heydays, I never used that website to its full capacity. What does it serve me, now that my path leads me to the opposite direction of my former life?

Therefore, I have come to conclusion that I won't need my Guys4Men account anymore. It made me connect with many powerful people, but its harsh, sad and cruel environment had finally awakened my senses.

I hope this is what Mami's interpretation of my dream is about. Now that G4M is out of my system, I hope this changes would open new heights of existence just like what she told me not so long ago.

Sick Sad World

From G4M:

i had a friend working in one of the hospital here in manila. And i had seen this guy and nakwento ng kaibigan ko and that is pookee* as what people call him keekee*, daria* and marami pa syang nick.

Unfortunately nagpacheck up nga sya and he has been found to be Positive of the disease. di ko sana dapat sabihin to but... as what i have heard his promiscuous and never been into safe sex if you had sex with this guy please be aware that you might be infected with the disease.

His aware that he has the disease and living HIV carrier but his still having sex with multiple partners. His a bottom most of the time and some people here soon will know they are infected onces you will get yourself check.

I had a friend here soon will open up. His not yet ready but i know we can justify this thing.

I had someone who can justify he had been inflicted with gonnorhea with this guy.

ill ask him to write a reply for this forum.

Heres his link and number

guys4men profile name is xxx

friendster link http://profiles.friendster.com/16*****

name : oeureure

cellphone number 091********

as far as i know his working in a callcenter in Makati

---

Apologies for the sensitivity of my entry. Personally, I do not wish to bring up the topic in my blog knowing that I am not spared myself from such possible fate.

However, it disturbs me to hear other gay guys creating threads and spreading unverified and very damaging rumors like this in a forum like G4M. Imagine his cruelty guys, not only did he mention the full name of the person, he also posted his picture all over the thread. I know that doctors and medical professionals have a sworn duty not to reveal a patient's information, whether it is true or not. But here is a kid - a 21 year old brat in all his confidence telling everyone that the person he claims to own the profile has an HI Virus.

We all know how dreaded the disease is. It is a fate worse than death. In fact, a large part of the sufferings and torments of a patient comes from the social stigma and psychological terror that comes with the disease. Some cultures are too terrified to talk about it and being a country steeped in hollowed conservatism and excess biases, those who have the disease has no chance of getting genuine sympathy and support from people who are blessed enough not to get it.

I remember having a conversation with Gripen one evening. I told him that I think, what complicates the disease are the drugs that are used to contain it. What makes a person die from it is his own unwillingness to live. Then he told me of this HIV patient who survives until now after contracting the disease more than a decade ago. According to Gripen, this person stopped having those retroviral drugs after he simply got tired of it. Instead, he devoted himself to healthy living and meditation every day. What I think made the person survive is his sheer willingness to live. After all, I am a strong adherent of life springing from those who truly desire it.

I sincerely wish that a drug will be discovered that could finally cure patients with this virus. I think there's too much sufferings, sadness and cruelty in the world because of the stigma that HI Virus carries with it. It is not the first time I stumbled a thread in G4M implicating a member who allegedly has the disease. Most of the time, such threads are simply created to destroy a member's credibility and nothing more.

Karma seeks retribution. That's what I've learned from life. I am sure these rumor spreaders, whether they did it for their own selfish intents or for blinded, distorted morality will have their time in the future.

It just pains me to feel what those true sufferers must have been feeling right now. No wonder, I still see hospitals as the saddest place on earth.

War-Dance

Consider this a form of man to man chest thumping...









VS







---

01 Feb 2008, 13:51
Mugen: nice pose bro.

01 Feb 2008, 14:30
Guy: SEX TAYO....

02 Feb 2008, 14:29
Mugen: taglibog ah. Ano kaya mong gawin?

04 Feb 2008, 09:37
Guy: trip kong kantutin ka dyan sa gym mo.... he he h... or sa bahay na lang...mag shabu tayo tapos sex...

04 Feb 2008, 17:50
Mugen: hayup ang trip mo pare ah. haha. tangina tinigasan ako.

04 Feb 2008, 17:52
Guy: i go sa same gym mo...iu crecognize the shower..we can do it there if you want...

04 Feb 2008, 17:59
Mugen: boring sa shower pare. palaban ka rin naman edi maglaban tayo kung san tayong dalawa lang ang magkaharap.

---

His replies came as a complete surprise. For a moment I had second thoughts of replying to his messages. However, when I figured out that he appears to be taking me for a ride, I responded with the same degree of brutality only my Kitsune personality is capable of.

The war-dance is still ongoing and I don't know where it would lead to. But if you ask me, he's too much as an aggressor. I still hope things would end up as a mere bluff.

Now you ask me why I posted this entry? Wala lang, I really find his posing and replies very sexy. Rarely do guys get my attention like this.

---

Epilogue: It was a bluff. The moment when he asked for my face-pic, I immediately disengaged. Still bearing the scars of previous battles, I decided that it would be better to play safe and make an excuse that for security reasons, I don't show my face in my profile.

The showdown ended in silence.

Period

02 Feb 2008, 14:18
guy: u from ust?...have any face pic?

02 Feb 2008, 14:30
mugen: i dont give my facepic.

02 Feb 2008, 14:49
guy: but ur from ust..?..wat course?

02 Feb 2008, 14:49
mugen: paano mo nalaman na tiga uste ako?

02 Feb 2008, 14:50
guy: i saw a posting of urs..in auste forum..thats why....

from wat college ka?

02 Feb 2008, 14:58
guy: or grad k n ng ust?..coz ur 26 already..

im from cfad...how bout u?.....

or can i just hav ur cp no..?..if its fine..tnx

02 Feb 2008, 15:02
mugen: no way pare. we're not close. Why should i give you those details?

02 Feb 2008, 15:06
guy: masungit ka pla..

thtas why im asking to know u better...

anyway..if u dont want to..thats fine .....

maybe if ur still in ust...we can just bump in to each other..witout knowing...na were both from g4m.....hehe

---

Call me cold and harsh, but this is how I respond to guys that gets into my nerves.

And you know the reason why? It's because he doesn't know that he's already stepping into my comfort zone when in fact, he hasn't been welcomed yet.

Take for example his introductory message above. It was very clear in my profile that I do not give my face-pics to people I don't trust yet. Pero siya naman eh sobrang confident that his looks would give him the attitude to cross me prematurely. He was asking me a personal detail, that I never give out to strangers in that pretentious-infested website. My response was very cold and I made it clear that I don't find his first message very pleasing. In fact, if I received such response from someone, I would have easily understood that he wants me to back-off.

Yet, this guy seems so confident with himself that he would get what he wants from me. He continued insisting to find out if I am from UST or not. This in turn caught my attention in a very irking manner. I asked him why he wants to know when in fact, we're not even close. Besides, I don't even find his question crucial to our confidence-building exchanges.

In the end, I ignored his messages thinking he would get what I really wanted to convey. However, he never stopped asking me the same question over and over, believing that he could sway me into giving away my details due to ceaseless insistence. Kaso mo, wala ako sa mood makipagkulitan kaninang tanghali, tuloy, nasungitan ko siya.

---

I hope that this would serve as a lesson to others to pay attention to what the profile of a guy says. Believe me, even I, who claims to have never been ignored in that website recently, still submit to the demands of the guy that I wish to talk to. I always put myself in an inferior position, knowing that most men (especially the masculine ones) wants to be superior to those who wishes to reach out to them.

If my message gets through, my provocative, half-naked pictures would back me up. If they find some time reading the introduction that I have written in my profile, this would give them an idea that they are speaking to someone who has the attitude to match theirs. Everything is just a power play and being well-experienced in this man-to-man interaction, I know how to reach out without negatively rubbing the guy's heavily protected ego.

When all considerations have been thought about and after realizing that my message is as harmless as a wandering butterfly, I would eventually get my answers. Sometimes, the answers that I received are even laced with sexual favors, that I reject knowing it was not my motive in the first place.

The guy stopped sending me a message after the second time I ignored him. During the course of the day, I ignored several more private messages ranging from sending a boring "hi nasl" message to an inuman invitation to spontaneous meet-ups for sex. Some of these guys are visibly more buffed and good-looking than me. The strange thing is that I ignored them, not because I am power tripping or I see myself superior to these people.

On the contrary, not only do I see myself physically inferior to these men, I also don't see any reasons for fucking up, now that my libog is still within levels that I can effectively manage with my own hand.