Black Friday

Forgive me everyone. I am just human.

It would have been a typical Friday night at BED. I was with Roy that evening, rampaging Malate with our old friend Earl who is an ex of one of our dearest brOdders. It would have been a normal night. I was supposed to be happy, strong and most of all, confident of thwarting any temptation that would come my way in the friggin bar,

But I was wrong.

The irony is, I thought my war with myself has already come to a ceasefire. After all, Phanks had tried his best to fill my need this past few weeks. But a good flirter with very good moves simply trashed me to pieces. All he did is to look for the weakest spot whenever I danced good and once he found it, he just simply took me without any major resistance.

---

The problem with me is that no matter how I claimed to be a "top" or a "versa," my "bottom" nature needed a lot of attention most of the time. Once someone goes at my back while I am dancing and rub his front behind me, chances are, it would really get my attention.

Looking back at my preference. A masculine homo really turns me on. And one of my gauges of being a masculine is someone who is top. Shensa na sa mga tsong ha, but thats the way I think. This morning, a guy came up. Positioned himself at my back, and then he rubbed his front at my back.

At first I was trying to thwart his advances but it only got me a major boner. There was someone in front of me, and I was worried that he might felt my boner so I had two options. Its either I back off or press myself even deeper against the person who rubs me. From that point, I was confused. I am somehow attracted to the guy, but I was afraid to let Darkstar do everything for me.

I was simply afraid of the consequences of my actions.

---

In the end, I just accepted my humanity: The inevitability to fight who I am and what I am capable of doing. Besides, I did enjoy the feeling of someone getting interested in you, since it feeds my ego.

At first, I was still resisting, even to the point of making an excuse to the guy that I would really loved to dance with him, but the problem is my "buddy" is just around the corner. At first he backed off, but we were still dancing. Nevertheless, I gave in. I went back to his front. Let him rub his front at my back while his hands explored my... aroused body.

That gave me all the sensations I was wanting all the time and the rest was history.

---

We never kissed though. But I admit that I was aware that Im giving him intimacy BED has never seen before. I was hugging him, holding his hands, letting his head rest on my shoulders. We were basically partners. But I made sure that no matter how one we have become, I was still saving my lips and my tool for my loved one.

I took a leak afterwards, but promised him that I would return. The truth is, I just wanted to inform XP, Nate and Roy of what I have done and asked for their forgiveness.

XP knew what had happened and he just told me that I should follow my heart. After all, I am just human.

When I came back, he wasn't there. I thought he found a new partner and I was saved. But I was never satisfied. I felt like I exchanged this moment of insanity over two years of momentarily stability with phanks.

And yeah, while I was it, I was asking for Divine forgiveness. I know that what I am doing was wrong but I can't simply help it.

---

But it seemed like he never flirted with someone else.

Several songs later, we found ourselves back at each other's company. He was again in front of me, while I was standing at the back.

We chatted a little, which later found its way to a quiet spot along Orosa.

He said, he flirted sometimes - he even have sex when he liked the guy, even though its just an impersonal one.

He said, he is committed but in a long distance relationship. And they were almost as long as ours.

We knew a lot of things about each other and it made me feel more comfortable towards him.

I remembered before, when I was at the height of my sex-deprived episode weeks ago. I told XP that I would gladly have sex with someone who is in a commitment too.

And I think God simply answered my "inner" request only weeks later.

---

Before we were about to go our own separate ways, he was telling me that he needs to make "palabas," which I tried not to entertain at first.

But after he repeatedly told me that he needs a quickie again, I am about to give in. After all, I've got what I wanted. It must have been a Divine-sent moment which I might need to close. So I told him that I am willing to do it provided that he provides a place.

I thought he would invite me to go into a motel, but surprisingly he did not. He just needed to get it off quick and easy, and he was very much interested in the idea that we do it at some dark streets of Malate.

This time, I knew my limits.

I won't do a "Hell On Earth" scenario again, which I did during my first "wild-days" season.

It's either we do it somewhere private, or he could jack it off in his place.

Alone.

When he felt that I wasn't really going to accept his suggestion, he decided instead that he will do it at home, which to my relief, has temporarily saved me from further hit of guilt.

We parted at Taft at around 5 am. I am now safe...

But the guilt, and the war of reasoning and acceptance that this is normal in a lifestyle I have chosen to live

has just began.

Aside from that, I just opened Pandora's Box. Next time, it might be for real.

Now that I have accepted that I am just

Human.