Taming The Tikbalang

Entry secretly posted last February, 2006. Like I always tell the newly hired operators in the office, I maybe one of the pioneers but my first year was mired with constant attempts to leave the company to settle elsewhere. In those days, setting a foothold in one place had never cross my mind yet.

Only the prospects of finishing a post-graduate degree forced me to prioritize what I really wanted to do with my life.

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And when I close my eyes, I see myself working in some small but high-paying company at the heart of Makati. One breezy afternoon, I would go out of my new office building to smoke and gaze at the sun's rays reflected on the stained windows of a skyscraper across the street. The day was relatively productive, and day by day, I am becoming more of an asset to the company. Ever since I joined them, I make sure that I am in the forefront of every project they have been involved with.

For I have taught myself to become an achiever; someone who is willing to take all necessary steps just to be ahead of his colleagues.

And when the end of the month comes, I would be proud to bring home the bacon, which rivals those I am getting now from the two companies I am involved with. I would never sleep again fearing the day when we finally lose the remaining strings that hold our last business empire together.

This is the dream I have been aiming for since I found my independence. Somehow, someway I would make sure to achieve it. I do not want to wake up in a reality of growing old, realizing that I spent my whole life wading in a meaningless existence jumping from one personal project to the next.

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Will I be nearer to my goals this year? Would I finally hit my target I have been aiming for since the first time I started working for another company?

It has been two years and countless attempts later since I began this enterprise of working independently from the sikyu agency. So far, my existence remains in limbo. The work I am doing right now is almost synonymous with playing. We all know that we will never have any future or growth in what we are doing, we even don't know if some other companies understand what job we are performing.

Almost every month, I have been constantly looking for ways to appraise myself. My mom had even reached the point where she could not take my jobhunting endeavors anymore. Everytime i feel anxious about my financial stability, I always resort to sending my resume elsewhere. It's a force of habit, especially when I get reminded of how vulnerable my family's situation is.

I admit that I am constantly in search for something, some career that would make me grow and feel like an achiever. But in the past three years, I'm afraid I haven't found my contentment yet.

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This afternoon, I was invited to meet a businessman who could provide me with a job I have been dreaming of. Their office is located in Makati - near the exact spot where I've been having fantasies of working ever since. They offer a much more respectable compensation than what I am earning right now. And most of all, the work they offer relates more to what I finished in college.

It is about writing and what they are looking for is someone who has the passion to write about any subject under the sun.

The interviewer asked me about the most favorite topic I want to talk about. Obviously it's all about gay stuffs. I have been talking about these things ever since this blog had started. But, I could not easily reveal him my true interest. This time, I won't compromise my sexuality to strangers. So instead, I told him that I'm interested about current events. Being a wikipedia addict and an avid fan of CNN, I'm sure that I would have the edge when it comes to global affairs.

He gave me a test in which he would choose a website and that I should write an article about something he finds interesting. A few minutes of browsing and then he discovered a news story about a roof of a market that collapsed in Russia. To tell you honestly, it was a weak story. But nevertheless, he asked me to write a shorter article about it.

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I have been writing articles ever since. No matter how I deny it, writing is my most reliable talent. But this afternoon, it proved to be useless. The article which I wrote during the exam was one of the lousiest one I have written. It was very formal, unnatural and worse of all, I wrote it in a manner where my mind was not comfortable to think about the things I would like to say.

It was too artificial and no matter how the interviewer praised it, I think it was my worst. In my long years in Journalism, I never fully realized that writing is all about expressing ones thoughts and feelings about an experience that happened, until today. The reason why I feel so free in my blog is because I can bare my soul there and nobody would even care. No one would bother telling me how my grammar lapses sucks or how my writing style and overall mood turn the readers off.

In my blog I could express my raw emotions; powerful and full of sadness. But when I wrote the article this afternoon, it appeared to be written by a robot.

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I'm not expecting to get that job. But it was the closest one I've got so far in reaching my ultimate dream of financial security. Nevertheless, despite the promising salary and growth offered by the job, such new career would simply destroy the world I have used to live in. It would destroy my sleeping habits, my resting habits, my gym routine and worst of all, I would again adjust to people I may not get along with in the end.

If ever they give me a chance to prove myself, I think I would have a hard time letting go of the things I've been so used to doing for the last several months.

Perhaps, this is not my time yet to move on. Probably, there's a better job waiting for me somewhere. Whatever plans I have set forth for myself this year, I hope that I would achieve them.

Those plans I set for myself are the ones driving me to find my own direction, even though my final destination remains unclear at this point in time.

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One summer after, I found my calling in the bosom of Diliman. Who would have thought that after looking for countless job offers during my first year as a chat operator, my destination would eventually be in the graduate school.

"Such opportunity comes only once," I tell myself every time I begin to question my existence.

Bunny Interludes Twenty Two (A Ballad For XP)

uy joms kamusta ka na? sexiness first ka na ngayon hahaha baligtad na tayo.
I admire your discipline and dedication.. way to go man

- XP posted on cbox

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A few years back and our roles were the opposite.

I remember before, you started your fitness journey by drinking slimming tea before meals. You said it worked so I followed suit. I would secretly drink the tea in the morning. Miss Team Leader would laugh at my attempts, followed by a warning about its effects to my tummy after. I remember how it felt after: my stomach contracts and my visitations in the bathroom becomes more frequent than it used to be. I remember how my shit appears like. It was moldy green and had a dried leaf odor. I do not know what stopped me from drinking the concoction, but by then you said that you have already shed around 20 lbs from your 210+ weight.

Then you enrolled yourself in the gym. That was around mid-summer if I am not mistaken. Your aim was to get fitter come White Party. Three months into your workout and your gamble paid off. You were the star of the crowd and I was left there, in all my chubbiness admiring your physique.

Things drastically changed after Naught told me how hopeless my dream to get fit is. It was during your birthday in Pampanga and Benchboy even fanned the flames of my frustration by constantly calling me "Krystala" the whole time. I have never forgiven Naught for his insults, but my thoughts were focused on you. Among all of them who were around, you were the only one who was sympathetic to me.

Perhaps because you were in my shoes before you took a vow to change yourself and humiliate your detractors. Remember how Sonja lambasted you with his hurtful remarks? We healed ourselves until the time came when we were able to get back at them.

And you succeeded.

My own journey was long and often very frustrating. Contrary to what you said, I was never zealous when it comes to my diet despite your constant reminder that "abs does not develop in the gym but in the kitchen." I remember exchanging SMS messages with you about dieting tips while walking the whole stretch of UN Avenue on my way home. It was then that I finally realized how much your advices and encouragement meant to me.

And so begins my own work-out routine.

Twenty two interludes later, I am still struggling to achieve what you have achieved in two years of non-stop going to the gym. While you were already resting on your laurels, I was plotting my course to follow your footsteps. The humiliations and rejections that followed had driven me to ceaselessly hit my target.

But you know what, even amidst the fact that I have already transformed myself close to what is our ideal,

I never forget to look back from where I started.

I'm known in the gym as the encourager; the member who would always tell a newbie that goals can be achieved depending on how willing you are to commit yourself to a ceaseless muscle beating. I never put anyone down and even if I am tempted to laugh at how a chubby guy pathetically attempts to lift a 80 lbs barbell to do a Benchpress, I always remind myself that for a time, it was me who was in his place.

Think of your temporary set-back as your off-season bud. They say in the gym that even the fittest and the buffest has one.

Like what I have always told you, the moment you start pumping iron once again, I will be the first one to cheer your every step. If it wasn't for you, I would not get close even to a fraction of my dream. In fact, I can never match your own gains simply because your determination is something I may never have. You have gone extremes just to ensure that you're on target.

I maybe a hunk - like what the guys in G4M or Club Bath would often complement just to catch my attention, but in your presence,

I would always remain an apprentice.

You will always be the master that I would try and constantly emulate.

So do not admire me bud, for the drive to get back on track always remain with you. We don't talk that much anymore, I know. But every time I groan from pain whenever I lift some heavy weights in the gym;

Whenever the word jubesity is mentioned by someone during a conversation and whenever the thought of Pampanga comes across my mind,

I still remember bud. There are so many cherishing things that are not easy to forget.

The gym is calling. Eclipse and Fitness First are just a ride away from your office. Wherever gym you will find yourself into, always remember that someone follows you.

You have always been a champ to me.