The Return Of P-Man

pman™ says:
nakuwento naba ni rikuo pinaka wild na ginawa ko nung nag inom kami nila kuhol..

pman™ says:
it was kuhol's bday

mugen says:
nope

mugen says:
what happened?

pman™ says:
haha naging wild ako.. ayun na tripan ko si kuhol

mugen says:
ingat ka hehe.

pman™ says:
HAHA

pman™ says:
sanay nako sa ganon pag nalalasing ako

mugen says:
ganon ba

mugen says:
yun nga kwento mo sa akin.

pman™ says:
thrice ko ng nagagawa yun sa mga str8

mugen says:
ahh

pman™ says:
hehe but hey, im not proud of it LOL

pman™ says:
pero wala naman masyadong wild..

---

It was as if someone from above was making fun of my situation. Out of thin air, P-man suddenly went online this afternoon only to have a chat with me. I do not know what his reasons were and I am not interested to find out. Probably he was just dead bored and needed someone to talk to. You see, even though we pretend not to see each other at the floor, we consider ourselves in good terms. Once in a while, I'd learn a thing or two about him but these things doesn't matter like they used to be when I was still attached to him.

So we had a talk. We updated each other's lives and I found out many things about him. He said that he prefers to stay home and download tons of mp3s from the net. He also misses drinking with the guys that he used to harass after he gets drunk.

Minutes had turned to hours and before I knew it, our conversation became the longest we ever had since we got introduced two years ago. What I found so strange about our chat was I did not accommodate him just to prolong our conversation. The conversation that was full of hot air came out naturally and even if he remained the no-care-in-the-world person that he had always been, I was able to assert myself long enough to give him the impression that I am not the same person who used to put him on the pedestal.

I do not know where this renewed ties would lead to, and it doesn't matter to me anymore. Funny how I used to see the taxi incident we had as something magical and out of this world. Now, I would just even laugh about it and blame my stupidity for giving in. The conversation had validated that I'm ready to speak to him in equal terms. Gone are the days when I would feel giddy the moment his name appears in my chat box.

Indeed, my eyes were finally open and I'm glad everything is now but a memory so far away.

---

As to the conversation above, please refer to the entry Suicide Attack (Hypercollider Remix)

Eyes Wide Open | Hibernation

"I have to tell you something," He said.

"Anu yun dude?" I asked him, with a half guess forming in my head.

"Wag na lang..." was his reply. Apparently, he was having second thoughts of spilling out the beans.

Then everything became quiet.

"Ano nga yun,"

I insisted a couple of times more. But he was really hesitant to say what he wanted to convey to me. so there was silence between us. Suddenly, without any warning, he held my hand and put it firmly and forcefully between his legs. I felt a massive bulge.

"Would this mean anything to you?" He asked.

At that moment, I was virtually powerless to make any reactions. Never did I guess that I would eventually reach the point, where I tried to consciously and persistently avoid this past few months.

- Eyes Wide Shut, March 5, 2007

---

We were buddies long before it happened. He is this quiet guy who doesn't talk a lot on the floor. My other colleagues found him too aloof and detached to invite in small gatherings. He kept himself shrouded in mystery and that image he projected to everyone stirred my curiosity. Since he has a connection to Mami Athena, it was never difficult to establish ties and friendship with him. I remember Mami telling me that we had a shared past - especially on the part where our families had both suffered financial hardships that we have never faced before. No wonder, it wasn't difficult to get along with him the moment we were first introduced.

And we clicked despite the fact that we never talk a lot.

After that fateful night-stand, things began to change between us. I became closer and the lines of friendship that we had nurtured suddenly became blurred. Mami Athena cautioned me not to assume anything. In fact her theory was, I might just have been an object of his libog. That I was nothing more but just a mere sexual object to be preyed upon.

However, his text messages revealed a different story.

We became uwian buddies overnight. He began to rely on me for support, which I gave freely the moment he needed it. We went out for a hang-out, I let him see my place and discover the secrets I kept within and in return, he became more open to me about his life. I gave him my full attention, which unfortunately my other colleagues had never failed to notice. We became an item but I didn't take their impressions seriously.

After all, I knew where I stood and what I felt for him was a friendship set in a different plane of existence.

However, he began to feel awkward at our situation. He tried to cool things down by asking me to keep some distance at first, but as the weeks passed, I began to feel that we were drifting apart. Then one morning, he accused me of spreading a nasty rumor which even in my grandest delusions I would never ferment.

"cnungaking ka!!! kinuwento mo sa lahat na may nangyari satin.. .. pero ang masagwa di mu pako kilala masyado... at bakit mu ipinagkakalat na may relasyon tayo??? bakla ka nga.. tsismoso/tsismosa.. wala kang isang salita.. at tsaka bakit mu ba na mis interpret ako??? di ako kasing katulad ng iniisip mo... ang totoong ako e sinabi ko sayo na NAG-E-EXPLORE plang ako sa buhay ko.. and that way im still a man and its just that i am BI.. wag mo ko tratuhin na parang tayo.."

It was the most hurtful accusations I have received in my entire PLU existence. For one, never in my past did I assume of a relationship. I simply have too much pride to stoop down and pretend of something that I am capable of getting officially. Second, why would I assume of something that I already have? In those days, my life has already been full of complexities to accommodate another one. In retaliation to his accusations, I immediately cut off my ties with everyone, except Mami. I erected a wall to keep my distance from everyone. For a month and a half, I sorted out where I failed in our friendship while healing the wounds he inflicted on me.

We found closure six months after the "big hit" happened. However, things had drastically changed when we got to talk again. I understood where he was coming from, and he understood what my nature had always been. Nevertheless, we stopped talking altogether. I simply cannot find anything interesting to share with him. Besides, he had become so aloof, that I found it difficult to reach out.

Months passed after the closure. Our ties had warmed a little more, but the bond we had before the "Eyes Wide Shut" episode happened had never been achieved again. His activities remained one of my concerns but I already learned to keep a perpetual distance away from him. We simply exist in different realities where one could not see the other anymore. Princess would tell me some of his recent blunders and I would just scratch my head in dismay. He might still be the tough, no-care-in-the-world guy that I knew, but he can never attempt to do an eyes-wide-shut episode again.

Looking back, I owe my survival to Mami, who had been there during the most difficult struggles to free myself after the "big hit." In times when he would test my resolve to get over by texting sweet messages that were intended for other people, I would run to Mami to reclaim my sanity. The yosi breaks proved to be my lifeline, and I still keep so many memories of that small bathroom where we used to smoke in the afternoon while showing her his latest text barrage on me.

Princess also proves to be a valuable ally in my attempts to get over him in the months after our closure. He not only helped me in getting the much-needed understanding I was seeking among those who got caught of our little story, he was extremely effective in unmasking the guy I used to look up and admire.

One year after it all happened, I suddenly realized that I don't feel anything for P-Man anymore. What we have is a history, that in all honestly, I wish had never happened at all. Now that everything is over, I can finally move on, without his shadow haunting my life's present course.

Suicide Attack (Hypercollider Remix)

Nag uwian na kami. Ang alam namin ay uumuwi narin si Nena.
Pinagpahinga lang sandali si Nena nang kaunti sa dami ng nilaklak na alak.

Buti nalang at sagana ako sa palusot at konti lang ang nainom.

Ayun nga,

Pag alis namin ay ito ang naganap.

Niyakap ni Nena si kuhol

Nakatalikod si Kuhol nang yakapin siya ni Nena

.....

Hinalikan ni Nena si Kuhol

di ko alam kung sa leeg o kung saan paman.

di kona natanong.

Nagulat si Kuhol at parang natulak si Nena.

"Pare wala naman gayanan. mawawalan ako ng respeto nian sayo." wika ni kuhol.


Ayun.

Bakla kamusta ka naman talaga.

Buti hindi ka na Sapak.

nag "I Love You" ka nanga di kapa nakontento

- Princess, O M G, Nakakawindang si Vekhla

---

Four years before I became a full-bloom homosexual, the people I used to hang out were straight men.

These guys were the barako ones. Some of them were so good-looking, if I was aware of my sexuality in those days, tensions might flare up inside my body. There were many times I shared a single bed with them, especially during sleepovers. There were no incidents, of course. Not even a single boner moment on my part. For me, things were pretty casual between us guys, that it ain't a big deal if they took off their shirt in front of me. Aside from the petty insecurity issues which I harbored in those days, since they had better bodies and flatter torsos than what I could flaunt in front of them, our lives revolved around horsing around, chasing girls and toma sessions all night. Despite my lingering suspicion that I was different from my barkada, it never came to a point that I already accepted the fate I would soon embrace after we graduated from college.

I was known as the guy who deeply bonds with my male friends. Some malicious tweeps back in college even thought that I was having a secret intimate relationship with some of my tropa, because of my closeness to them. Even during those days, I preferred a one-on-one hang-out than join a big group where I feel left out during get-togethers. This platonic closeness taught me to understand that even dominant males reveals their soft side - particularly their sentimentality during the odd hours of the night. They may appear tough and brute-looking during the day, but at night, when everyone is asleep, they reveal their most vulnerable and mushy thoughts in conversations with the people the have learned to trust their emotions

This often happens when alcohol takes over a guy's string of thoughts.

When I became a homosexual, I immediately learned the difference between a straight and a non-straight person. The reason for this immediate adjustment was probably my exposure to straight guys, when I was still one with them. Back in college, like what I mentioned in the entry Kalayaan, the guys I hanged out with were "bashers." In those days, I wasn't aware that there is a subgroup of gay men, who can pass as a straight when they are in the company of straight people.

One of the core rules I imposed upon myself (aside from not making the first move) is to never cross a straight guy, even if he is irresistably attractive or even when under the influence of alcohol. The mere thought of these straights stereotyping my kind as "sexual predators" and "pathetic men-hunters" had struck deep fear into my psyche that I even feel uncomfortable hanging out with men, who aren't aware of my sexuality.

---

Now with P-Man's alarming maneuvers with straight guys, Princess and I agreed that he's destroying himself in the process. I hope it didn't cast us in a bad light since these guys knew and respected our sexual preference when we outed ourselves to them. As far as I was aware, these straights have decided to include us in their beer binging activities for they knew that we're equally koboy enough to enjoy their trip.

The guy P-Man flirts with, which Princess lovingly named kuhol, isn't a threat at all. He's the typical Hipon; muscular arms, ripped body but with a mind, looks and an attitude of a hibe (dried shrimp). He might have the body I would die for, but he isn't the kind of guy I'd drool over. Besides, he has a girlfriend and even if he loves to horse around with guys like us, we know that he won't give himself in. He is an absolute straight and to assume him as a closet bisexual would be compared to cooking a shrimp tempura in a hot open skillet.

I have to admit, P-Man's moves were quite appalling. Suddenly, it made me think whether my impressions of him were correct or not. I've always seen him as the maangas guy, the kind of PLU who acts tough, quiet and indifferent despite random pressures that came his way.

Mami Athena, once she reads this entry would surely remark that his moves beat the one he did last time. (when he attempted to provoke another colleague with some sexual suggestions in the instant messenger) Princess is even harsher in his remarks about his moves after P-Man accused him of being too "girly" for his taste, which I strongly disagree. In Princess' words, he says that,

"Masakit man isipin pero DESPERADA ang Drama mo Bakla.
Paano na magiging komportable and boys sayo?

Ngayon sabihin mo sakin kong sinong mas Girl satin?"

As for me, since I am still affected by his latest blunders, his moves reminded me of the very same trick he did a year ago. It was when he cornered me inside the cab and made me believe that I was doing him a great favor when I surrendered myself to his libog.

I cannot deny that I resent not being at the inuman when this event happened. I am, and still wishing to give him a dose of his own medicine, now that I'm more confident to pick up a fight.

And strange as it may seem, but the promise of teaching him everything about being PLU when we had a talk after we did it, still rings a familiar tune inside my head. It is a promise I should have taught him, so that he won't mess up like this, now that he's on his own.

Toma Casualty

I have to remember this before I wake up sober later...

Tangina... lasing lang ako.

I thought I already moved on.
I thought you were already forgotten.
Yet strange how a part of you
still clings deep inside the unchartered chambers
of my heart. There remains a place for you that
I still seek and cherish.

I still find you cool,
handsome and even
sexually appealing. Despite
your bigger frame now, I still
find you attractive. There remains
a part of you that I could not surrender.
I still think of you, I still worry about you,
I still wish that our history
would find a better epilogue someday.

And I do not know the reason why.

I wouldn't mind using
my large incher to take you
to heaven just like what you
want others to take you.
I wouldn't mind
giving you my best performance
knowing you will never forget it
while others I know, will die for it..

I do not know what was between us
but in all honesty brad,
it is, and will absolutely be
something deeper than I used to reveal.

Stand-Off | Purging

Madilim ang maliit at mainit na kwarto kung saan lahat kami ay lango na sa alak. Bilang pinakamalaking casualty, ako yata ang pinakabangenge sa kanilang tatlo. Malinaw ang usapan ngunit... sa dilim at sa katahimikan ng paligid, ang lahat ay naaliw na lamang sa pagtetext sa kanya-kanyang mga kausap sa telepono. Hindi ko ininda ang kanilang mga ginagawa sapagkat inaantok na ako.

Ngunit sa kabila ng aking kalasingan, malinaw sa akin ang kasunduan. "Come what may," ang sabi ng leader noong kami'y magkausap sa chatroom. Si Darkstar at Kitsune na ang bahala sa aking kalibugan.

Sa likod ng katahimikan ay naroon ang pagpapakiramdaman. Sa tingin sa mga mata, sa pasimpleng banggaan ng mga tuhod at siko at sa mga pahaging na mga two-liner, naroon ang tension sa loob ng kuwarto. Tumagal pa ng mahigit labing-limang minuto na ganoon ang sitwasyon nang biglang nagsabi ang organizer na,

"Tara uwian na!"

Sa pagkailangan namin sa bawat isa ay hindi na natuloy ang balak. Kahit ako rin ay natameme sa kanilang tatlo. Paano ba naman ang isa ay mukhang geek, nakasalamin at tahimik. Ang isa naman ay tsinoy na okay sanang katropa. At ang ikatlo? Siya ang trip ko. May kapandakan siya ngunit maputi at assertive. Kung kaming dalawa lang sana ang nagkaharap ay yari na siya sa akin.

Matapos ang tatlong oras simula ng aming kasunduan, napunta rin sa wala ang plano. Okay lang. at least ang nagwagi sa akin ay si Pulsar. Hindi ko rin naman trip ang dalawang kasama namin kaya ayus na rin na walang nangyari. Nang mag-uwian, si geek boy ang kasabay ng trip ko. Naiwan namang nag-aasikaso ng mga kalat namin si tsinoy.

Dahil na rin sa aking mga nakaraang karanasan, alam kong si geek boy ang nagtake-home sa trip ko. Siya ba naman ang may sasakyan eh. Bukod rito , siya rin ang may place na bakante pa ayon sa trip ko.

Ganon talaga ang buhay.

Ngunit, hindi ko maiaalis isipin ang mapait na sinapit ko noong nakaraan...

Maaring lingid sa kaalaman ko ay nag-usap ang tatlo at ako ang ginawang odd-one out.

Okay lang. Posibleng ang mga pangitaing ito'y produkto lamang ng aking mga pangamba. Hindi ko makakaila na nakatatak na sa akin, bilang trauma, ang dating sinapit ko sa maramihan kung saan ako ang sinadyang iniwan.

Mapalad na lamang ako't sa kabila ng aking maitim na hangarin, sa huli ay nagwagi ang katinuan sa akin. Kampante ako na matatapos ang aking ika-dalawampu't limang taon na sugatan man ngunit nasa ilalim ng control ni Pulsar.

Maging masaya na dapat ako roon.

---

Nag-anyaya sa akin si Princess ng inuman kahapon sa bahay ng isa pa naming katrabaho.

Imbitado rin doon si P-Man, na sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan ay lagi ko na naman naiisip at napapansin nitong mga nakaraan. Sa totoo, gusto ko sanang sumama sa kanila. Ngunit dahil na rin sa obligasyong pampamilya, sa halip ay sinamahan ko ang aking utol at nanay sa MOA.

Habang lumalalim ang gabi, hindi ko makaila na parang mainit na modtang nakadikit sa aking kamay ang mga nangyari noong nakaraan: ang pangongorner niya sa taxi; Ang desisyon kong dalhin siya sa tahimik na lugar na tanging ako lang ang may lakas na loob manguna; Ang magdamagang pag-uulayaw kung saan pinakita ko sa kanya ang aking galing sa kama.

Ang hirap kalimutan ng mga bagay na ito, lalo pa't buo mong sinuko ang sarili mo sa isang tao.

Sa kabila nito, mapalad na rin na wala ako doon.

Sapagkat sakaling mabigyan ako ng opportunity ma-re-enact ang mga naganap noong Marso. Hinding-hindi ko ito aatrasan. Kung may nangyari sa amin kagabi, ito ay tatanghalin kong full circle sa aming dalawa. Marahil ito ang vindication na matagal ko nang inaabangan.

Pero sinadyang maging iba ang takbo ng buhay naming dalawa.

Anuman ang mga kuro-kuro ko sa kanya, siguro, ako na lamang ang nakaka-alala ng mga nangyari sa tuwing kami'y magkakasalubong sa floor.

Samantalang siya...

Ay naka-move on na.

Ang lahat ng nakaraan ay tanging footnote na lamang sa kanyang buhay na parang isang Word Document na isang pindutan lang ng delete button, burado na ang lahat.

Closure (I-Know-What-You-Did-Last-Summer Remix)

pman™ ck says:
hey

Joms | Mugen says:
uy!

pman™ ck says:
di ka namamansin

Joms | Mugen says:
nahihiya ako sayo eh.

pman™ ck says:
asus.. wala na yun no

Joms | Mugen says:
hehe

pman™ ck says:
just want to forget everything and start a new life

Joms | Mugen says:
why do you have to forget?

pman™ ck says:
just that so.. i know myself ganun talaga ko.. ayoko ng mga pangit na happenings

Joms | Mugen says:
to tell you honestly

Joms | Mugen says:
i still remember

Joms | Mugen says:
not the bad parts

Joms | Mugen says:
but the best ones.

pman™ ck says:
okay.. i see

Joms | Mugen says:
but you said it. Im cool with everything.

Joms | Mugen says:
i just dont know how to approach you

pman™ ck says:
i see.. i just dont want someone to be attach[ed] to me that much (tama ba grammar? lol kelangan ko na ata english 101) haha

pman™ ck says:
im better of alone like what i said

Joms | Mugen says:
thats what ive figured out.

pman™ ck says:
yea.. ayoko feelings involve

Joms | Mugen says:
you have to understand that its how i show my appreciation

Joms | Mugen says:
no feelings involved, as you have percieved it.

Joms | Mugen says:
its my curse, i've always been misunderstood.

Joms | Mugen says:
even in my straight times. Chicks, guys

pman™ ck says:
hmm.. okay i do understand somehow

Joms | Mugen says:
they thought what i show is something more

pman™ ck says:
yea

Joms | Mugen says:
until now, even females think ive got hots for them for being so protective.

Joms | Mugen says:
pero its just part of my nurturing side.

pman™ ck says:
i see..

pman™ ck says:
but to top it all.. its not about it..
i somehow found out that theres something more

pman™ ck says:
about the rumors

Joms | Mugen says:
what?

pman™ ck says:
close ka kasi sa mga taong close mo e.. that triggers it all

Joms | Mugen says:
i dont clearly see what you mean

Joms | Mugen says:
pero i would take it as is.

Joms | Mugen says:
whatever what you said.

pman™ ck says:
wait lang heh

Joms | Mugen says:
sure

pman™ ck says:
di ako galit about everything.. dun lang sa mga gumagawa ng usap tungkol sakin.. well anyway di rin naman ako galit sa kanila.. in fact wala ako pakialam as u can see.. kahit marami nagpaparinig

Joms | Mugen says:
ako rin

Joms | Mugen says:
i mean.

Joms | Mugen says:
i just figured out

Joms | Mugen says:
it would happen

Joms | Mugen says:
with the way how i treat those who are close to me

pman™ ck says:
ah i see

pman™ ck says:
hehe

Joms | Mugen says:
so hayun.

Joms | Mugen says:
rumors are bound to happen

Joms | Mugen says:
so sakin balewala na yun. Those who spread it. bahala na sila.

Joms | Mugen says:
let them speculate with all my activities.

pman™ ck says:
okay

Joms | Mugen says:
just to let you know. whatever that happened. I never saw any bad blood between us

Joms | Mugen says:
the memories of friendship is still strong that it weathered everything

---

After six months, the cold spell is finally over. It was he who approached, and being the receptive receiver, I let his communication through, so that once and for all, the words left unsaid would finally be spoken.

I remember telling Macoy last night how things, that once preoccupied my thoughts had wore off with time. To quote what I've said. "I see things coming to an end, but if time comes he needs my backing, I'd most likely come to his side."

Who would have thought that it will be a sign of the things to come.

So after the closure is over, what now?

Move on, normalize things as it was?

In all honesty, I see this moment as a turning point, not only with regards to my floor relations but this moment is also a vindication of my firm belief that closure between broken people is possible. I do not see things improving overnight but rest assured, this is a beginning. Whatever feelings I harbored before had long been erased, swept away like the grains of sand in a windy desert. But like the windswept sands that was brought elsewhere, at least, I can finally get myself together to focus on other emotional entanglements. Mami was right when she told me this piece of advice when I was heavily devastated a long time ago.

"Things will pass, like they always do."

Yes it did. Searching within, I do not have to prove things anymore. Finally it's over.

I know we're cool.

Floor Filler (Just Thinking Out Aloud Sessions Seven)

Pulsar: (Interviewer) Isn't it so boring today Joms? How about I interview you again so both of us will have something to do?

Joms: That's a good idea. I cannot stand P-Man playing Light Alternative music today. Something inside me is breaking apart.

Pulsar: Hey, that was supposed to be my first question. I was about to ask you how are you feeling today.

Joms: Like what I have said. I am dead restless. I am sleepy and I had an ASG.

Pulsar: What is an ASG?

Joms: After Sex Glow. I had popoy with someone before I went to work... Tangina, why does P-Man have to torment me with mellow love songs this morning. It's too early for senti time.

Pulsar: Hmmm... who is this someone you had sex with?

Joms: My buddy, you silly interviewer! He's been staying in my place for almost a week now.

Pulsar: Do you find this set-up very unusual?

Joms: Let me save my insights for another entry.

Joms: Tangina talaga. Now I'm totally disturbed by his music.

Pulsar: Why are you affected Joms? Are YOU still keeping some feelings for him?

Joms: Kuya Trip will accuse me of denying again. But to tell you the truth, I really don't know. Maybe because I am curious as to why he unusually plays songs like that.

Pulsar: It ain't your business anymore right?

Joms: It should not be. But what can I do, I do not have any other distractions today.

Pulsar: Does it have to be that way all the time?

Joms: Distraction is my only way to go on with life. I distract myself so that my emotions would not cascade when it receives a direct hit. I distract myself so that I will not think of my feelings in moments that they should not be present.

Pulsar: I understand what you mean. Sometimes, emotions suck diba? When was the last time you felt this way?

Joms: A very long time ago. I usually master my emotions.

Joms: Yosi muna ako, let us continue our conversation later.

Pulsar: Sige, I will try to look for Darkstar to assess your situation. You dumped him at the start of the month, hayan tuloy, we don't have any second opinion as to how to address your issues.

---

Joms: This is the second time I am bombarded with a playlist like that. I really don't know why I am still affected.

Pulsar: Don't you think you are assuming too much?

Joms: What do you mean?

Pulsar: Nothing...

Joms: Anyway after this, I will lull myself with my own light alternative playlist.

Pulsar: Do what you wish. Darkstar doesn't want to comment right now.

Joms: Tell him, he will have his time possibly next month; that is if I find exploring my cup of tea. Do you know what, I never went out this month.

Pulsar: I know. Blame it on your hectic schedule. Strangely amazing, you did not party the entire August.

Joms: I promised myself a respite from everything right?

Pulsar: That is the amazing part, you have managed to hold on to your promises so far.

Joms: Do I have a reason to go out in the first place?

Pulsar: You are the only one who can answer your question.

Pulsar: Anyway, any last thoughts you have before I end our little tête-à-tête?

Joms: None, I'm pooped out.

Pulsar: Thanks for your time Joms. Isn't it so nice that we could talk about these things again? I look forward to having another filler post like this one in the future. It is alright to open up these feelings, after all, it appears very rarely.

Joms: Thanks and you're welcome. Until then mister interviewer.

---

After stealing a power nap at work, Joms felt much better. I knew it was just mere ranting and nothing more. - Pulsar

In Denial

Demon
Guster


My words confuse you
My eyes don't move a blink
Cause it's easier sometimes
Not to be sincere
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I'll cross my fingers
Will you know you've been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

Honest is easy
Fiction's where genius lies
Cause it's easier sometimes
Not to be involved
Somehow I'll make you believe
Believe

When I speak I'll cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

---

A response to the song, Everything by Lifehouse that was personally requested to me..

A Summer Re-Enactment

ang hirap talaga pag sa moment ka naattach at hindi sa tao.

- Mugen to Caretaker, YM Chat

---

Pasado alas-diyes ng gabi.

Umalis kami sa bahay ni Mami Athena na kapwa lasing. Palibhasa'y napagkasunduan na magkasabay kaming uuwi, pumara ako ng taxi na magdadala sa aming kanya- kanyang bahay. Ang plano ko ay i-drop by muna siya sa kanyang bahay sa Mandaluyong bago dumiretso sa amin. Tutal, magkatropa naman kami. Ngunit sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari, iba pala ang magiging takbo ng gabing iyon para sa akin.

Habang binabagtas ng taxi ang kahabaan ng Bonny Serrano, muli niyang nabanggit ang naging drama noong inuman kina Mami. Isang kasamahan ang nagsabing ang first impression daw niya sa akin ay isang "girl," na kunwari namang ikinagalit ko at ipinakita sa pamamagitan ng pagsuntok sa lamesa sabay walk-out sa mga kasama ko. Ngunit ang totoo, iyon ay isang pag-tritrip lamang. Alam naman ng host kung ano talaga ang sexual preference ko.

Ang usapang iyon ay nauwi sa munting confession sa kanyang bahagi. Noong una, may gusto siyang sabihin na hindi niya masabi ng diretso sa akin. "What will you feel if you have a dark secret and a friend of yours spilled it to everyone?" bungad niya. Ako nama'y nagpatay-malisya lang. Sa kanyang tanong, ang tanging naitugon ko lang ay "What do you mean dude?"

Nagkaroon ng kaunting katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa habang patuloy pa rin ang andar ng taxi. Kinulit ko siya sa ikalawang pagkakataon upang linawin ang kanyang sinabi, siya nama'y nagtikom bibig lang.

Nang naramdaman niya na hindi na ako magsasalita at magtatanong tungkol sa kanyang naunang nabanggit, kinuha niya ang aking kamay at idinantay sa kanyang harapan. "Does this mean something to you?" Tanong niya. Ako nama'y natameme sa kanyang napaka-agresibong galaw. Isa yun sa mga classic na-korner moments na hinding hindi ko makakalimutan.

"It feels good, don't take your hand away," pakiusap niya sa akin.

Pinisil ko ito upang malaman niya na gusto ko ang kanyang ginawa. "Saan tayo ngayon?" Tanong niya. "Trip mo ba?" bato ko kanya. Nang hindi siya makapagdesisyon para sa ginawa niyang pangkokorner, inulit ko ang aking tanong.

"Trip mo ba tol?"

"Ikaw ang bahala," ang tanging naitugon niya sa akin.

Pinara ko ang taxi sa may tabi ng PS Bank upang mag-withdraw ng extra cash. Noong mga oras na iyon, hindi na mahalaga kung saan kami makarating o kung ano man ang mangyari sa amin. Pagbalik ko sa taxi, siya naman ang pumisil sa aking harapan, upang siguro ay makumbinsi ako na ang kanyang mga galaw ay hindi basta trip-trip lang.

Kumbaga sa term ni Wanda, isa siyang Gen-Txt. He is one of us.

Habang nakahinto ang taxi sa panulukan ng Araneta Avenue at N. Domingo, sumandal siya sa balikat ko upang umidlip sandali. Ako naman ay tumawag sa bahay upang ipaalam na magpapa-umaga ako sa bahay nila Mami Athena. Ang dahilan ko ay upang higit na maka-bond ang mga katrabaho ko.

Hindi nila alam na isang tao lang ang gusto kong maka-bond noong gabing iyon.

Patuloy ang takbo ng taxi. Sa wakas ay natawid na namin ang V. Mapa at nasa lugar na kami kung saan naroon ang mga motel. Balak ko sana na sa isang motel malapit sa Crossing ko siya dadalhin. Ngunit, habang pakanan kami patungong Shaw, namataan ko sa aking kanan ang Anito. Marahil na rin sa thrill at excitement na makaniig ko ang tinuturing kong best-bud sa trabaho, bigla kong inutos sa taxi driver na lumiko kami sa makipot na daanan papasok sa loob ng motel.

The rest is history.

Ngunit,

Habang binabagtas kong muli ang rutang iyon patungo sa bahay ngayong gabi, ang ala-ala ng gabing iyon - anim na buwan na ang nakalipas ay tila isang buhos ng malakas na ulan na nag-iwan sa akin ng matinding pagkalungkot at pangungulila.

Ewan ko ba. Tama siguro si Mami Athena. Naka-move on na ako sa aming mga pinagdaanan ni P-Man, ngunit hindi ko makakaila na attached pa rin ako sa aming naging simula.

May Day Eve

Roy, my bestfriend texted me yesterday. He complained that I didn't tell him that I have a "kabetsung." I immediately asked him what "kabetsung" was he talking about. He said it was about the "opismeyt" he's been hearing from people.

Apparently, word about P-man had spread in my barkada. I don't know who read my blog but that guy read it wrong. First, P-man is not a "kabit" at all. I suspect that he isn't even capable of displaying emotions of attachments. In fact, I was so close to flushing him out of my life, after he appeared distant and aloof after our second "face-off." Being the shy and proud guy that I've always been, I never asked him if there's a problem why he avoids me. I just assumed that probably he got tired of me and it's time to move on, or people at the floor are already sensing that there is something between us, so he had to be more discreet in his approach to me.

Fortunately, after sending him a 5-peso pasa-load yesterday, he sent me an SMS message asking me how I'm doing. It lead to a very brief but pleasant text exchange about his activities lately that made my afternoon a little more thrilling.

Obviously, I still miss him when he doesn't make his presence felt. Nevertheless, whatever attachments or feelings I have for him, remains contained in order to not complicate things between us. In fact, harboring these feelings makes me appear that I'm on the vulnerable edge. I'd rather have him as a friend and not as a kabit, like what some Odders are spreading lately.

Nevertheless, I should be wary of attachments. Whenever he ignores or avoids me, I can't help but try to get closer to him.

---

My richest aunt will undergo a very expensive treatment procedure this month. It means that she will not be able to support her sisters who relies for financial assistance in the coming weeks.

Fortunately, my mom had always been independent of her. However, my mom and aunt's youngest sister whose son is studying in Benilde will have to stand on her own to support her family of four. To help them relieve their budget concerns, I volunteered to give up a portion of my salary to help my cousin (their eldest) who is reviewing for the board exams. I'd be supporting her boarding expense. I might also tap my network of HR friends to help her dad look for a better income-generating job to support them.

I forsee that the months ahead will be very difficult for the entire family. With my sister still in the process of completing her thesis, (after spending the last months of her last semester doing her tibak activities) and the rest of my cousins still to graduate next year, being the only working next generation member makes me feel that I'm already pushed against the wall.

For a very long time, I relied on my aunt in case something happens that is beyond my control. Now that she's afflicted with something that is beyond our control, there is a sudden reversal of roles, which hopefully in the end will make me and the entire family stronger.

---

Lastly, its been a year since someone brought me in a five-star hotel. He was a dance partner at Government when I decided to return to that club after a long absence. After our very intimate and close-contact dance moves, I bid him goodbye, but he prevented me from leaving. He asked me to stay with him in his suite. Since nobody had ever asked me before, I agreed to keep him company. What resulted after was a year-long attachment to that moment when I was hugging him while the sky outside the window was turning black to indigo.

It's been also a year since I joined a cause at G4M. For strange reasons, miracles do happen on that sleazy cruise site. The elders there decided to have an outreach program for abandoned physically deformed children at an orphanage in Tayuman. Believing in the power of the Pink Peso, they posted numerous threads in the forum in order to invite the members to contribute diapers and powdered milk that they will distribute to the kids.

The activity was very successful. For the whole month of May, G4M apparently became holier than the months before and after it. I even sense that the number of sex parties dramatically decreased that May. And even though I don't know anyone from the organizers, I am proud that I've been a part of it. I wonder if someone would organize an outreach activity this year.

I hope they do.

Because like all other PLUs who participated in that event, I felt that my existence became more meaningful after it.

18, Abril

I don't know if I should be happy, or should I be ashamed...

Nevertheless, I now have a direct responsibility over him.

for

P-Man is now my FUBU.

---

P: do you swallow
J: gusto mo?
P: ikaw?
J: kiss me and I will do it for you...

he gave me a good torrid one; a damn good long one.

i did.

The Sun Sets On P-Land

Kaninang umaga, nakipag-chat sa akin si "bi-guy" number two tungkol sa kanyang recent adventures sa Palawan kagabi. Laking gulat ko ng mauwi ang usapan namin sa isang intriga na hindi ko inaasahan... at maaring pinag-uusapan na sa floor.

---

artboy says:
umuwi nga agad ako after 30 mins

artboy says:
how ugly the crowd

artboy says:
how dirty the place

mugen says:
hehe hindi rin ako tumagal dun nung gumawa ako ng review about the place

artboy says:
uu

mugen says:
bakit ka ba naligaw dun?

artboy says:
i'm so bored

mugen says:
sus

mugen says:
next time na ma bore ka

mugen says:
sabihan mo ako

mugen says:
im gunna bring u to government!

artboy says:
hindi ba nagalit si______ na nagtxt ako sayo

artboy says:
alam ko naman na syota mo cya

artboy just sent you a Nudge!

mugen says:
sino???

artboy says:
hmmm..deny pa

artboy says:
tayo tayo nlang nga eh

mugen says:
huy sino nga???

artboy says:
wala..basta i know ok

mugen says:
kung sino man yun

artboy says:
psychic ako i know

mugen says:
kaibigan lang yun

artboy says:
P

mugen says:
WAAAAAHHH

mugen says:
kaibigan ko yun men!

artboy says:
dont deny

artboy says:
huhuhu

mugen says:
buddy ko nasa ibang work

artboy says:
u cant hide everything

artboy says:
hmmmm

artboy says:
nope

mugen says:
mapapayosi ako sayo bigla ah.

artboy says:
kaw naman...ako lang naman kausap mo at hindi ibang tao

mugen says:
hangkulet

mugen says:
bakit ako magtatago sayo?

artboy says:
relax lang dude

artboy says:
haha ok cge na..i believe you

artboy says:
kaw naman bilis mong mapraning hehehe

mugen says:
it would never become us nu

artboy says:
why

mugen says:
kakapraning yun no.

mugen says:
Im taken dude.

artboy says:
hahaha

artboy says:
just wonderin

artboy says:
hinihuli lang kita haha

mugen says:
besides, kung single man ako, hindi niya kaya makipagsabayan sa aken.

---

Mukhang kailangan kong ayusin ang approach ko kay P-Man. Didistansya muna ako.

Date With A Night

Other people will call it a "date," according to their own definition. But I would be strict with mine - it was a "hang-out."

Finally, after a week of planning and missed opportunities, P-Man and I went out to watch a movie and have a dinner yesterday. It was a promise fulfilled after I told him one afternoon that I'm gonna treat him after my school projects have all been completed.

I was supposed to go to UP Diliman after work to check if my class cards were already available. Before that, I texted P-Man 30 minutes before my shift ended for his availability. There was no response. He might be sleeping.

Anyway, when I arrived at Starmall, my phone vibrated. When I checked it for text messages, I found one and it was from him. He apologized for not replying immediately, after all, he just woke up. I replied that he should just take a rest and enjoy his day off.

He texted back asking where I was. I told him that I'm at the mall and was supposed to board the MRT going to Diliman for school. I also mentioned that I was planning to ask him out, if he's not busy. I sent the message and waited for his reply.

A couple of minutes later, he texted that he would think about it.

The entire negotiation took thirty minutes before it was finalized. His main issues were; he had no money. (this is understandable. After all, I told him that it will be my treat) And he usually hangs out only at the mall, namely Glorietta and Greenhills. (no way he would frolic among the trees of Diliman or bask in the sunset of baywalk. In my book, this is bad. My type of trip is something he's not into.) Nevertheless, the hang-out pushed through despite an hour and a half delay.

We met outside Powerbooks. As expected, he was wearing his trademark black T-shirt, cream-colored walking pants and his baggy-green cap . The only thing missing was his shades to conceal his small eyes. You know, one thing that I really find attractive about him is his ability to project an aura of being maangas. I think the shades did the trick. He rarely spoke too, and being a loner just like me, I preferred walking with him after our shift ended.

Anyway, we immediately went to the cinemas to check what movie to watch. I thought he would choose Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Sunshine, but instead he chose Ang Cute Ng Ina Mo. We then went to Starbucks at the Megastrip to chill out as we waited for the screening time. The place was packed with people so we didn't stay long.

After smoking a stick of cigarette, we returned to the cinema to watch the movie. It was fun, Ai-ai was hilarious. Eugene Domingo and John Lapuz made me roll over my chair and Lucky Manzano reminded me why I should return to gym soon. The film also reminded me of Ai-ai's previous movie, Ang Tanging Ina Mo, in a twisted, alternate-universesy sense of it. It seems like he enjoyed the film as well, but I was somewhat disturbed by his constant focus on his phone. Apparently, he was texting someone. I think P-Man still needs to work his conduct when with another person.

When the film ended, I suggested that we should eat our dinner. Being the host, I asked him where to eat. At first, I thought he would choose a high-end restaurant, like Sbarro or Pollo Loco, (knowing that he hangs-out in Glorietta, well, that's a little scary) but instead, he just wanted to have burger. He told me that it was his favorite food. Knowing Ortigas very well, I know a place where we can dine in without the hassle of being exposed to many people.

So went to Mcdonald's El Pueblo after I discovered several weeks ago that it wasn't as full as the restaurants in Megamall. As we walked towards Mcdo, I can't help but notice how P-man repeatedly sang the movie's theme song. "Ang cute cute, cute ng ina mo... " as we crossed the street.

"Another case of last song syndrome," I told myself.

He ordered the Mc Chicken Burger Meal, while I picked up the Cheese Burger Meal. Of course, our orders were both upsized knowing that the regular ones won't satisfy our hunger. While eating, we talked about work, our individual lives, and what I noticed about his work ethic. Without the biases, I think he is a very hardworking employee. We avoided talking about us, even during our yosi time when we moved to the tables outside.

We didn't stay long after dinner, since I don't feel well anymore. (Probably because I waited for him for two hours to arrive) I'm also worried that my exhaustion won't allow me to talk anymore so I called it a night at past 8.

As the host, I accompanied him up to the tricycle station across Star Mall. I think he was a little puzzled as to why I would exert an effort to do so... If only he knows that it was already a force of habit. On my way home, he texted me, thanking for the treat. When I arrived home, I called his phone just to make sure he's safe.

---

A few nights ago, he texted me at past midnight. He was drunk, wasted and disarmed - to the point of being senti. He told me how restless he was, and that, he was asking when we would do "our thing" again.

I told him that the next time it happens, he will be in for a surprise.

During the entire text exchange, what amazed me was how he tried to open up. You see, P-man is not someone who would show his emotions easily. Like he had always told me again and again. "I'm just a kid at heart." Probably to keep this from everyone, he preferred to lie low and appear casual to everyone.

Our text exchanges ended that night asking me when we will go out. He said he couldn't keep his sadness anymore and he needed a distracton.

And distraction I gave him yesterday.

On my way home after hanging out with him, I asked myself whether there was a justification for such an activity. A part of me says it was normal - knowing how I sometimes hanged out with Roy or XP, or even Dodong like in a date or something like that. I could consider my hang-out with P-Man the same league as them.

However, there was a complication.

P-Man is not just a friend. He was a former ONS partner. Another chance of doing "our thing" with him and he would instantly become my FUBU. But don't get me wrong. To be honest, doing it with him again, somehow falls into the least of my priorities. The attachment that came after proved to be very dangerous. For a moment, It made me somewhat jealous of Redguy's or Jbinx's seemingly uncomplicated life.

Nevertheless, if there was something good that came out of the hang-out, I guess it would be that I found my place in P-Man's life as a friend and companion. If only he knew, that the only thing I look forward to after my duty is to walk with him towards the main road. Even if we're not talking, the bliss it gave is all worth it.

I just hope, that in the long course of P-Man's unforseeable life. He would remember last night and he would remember me. It wasn't easy to call a hang-out, especially if you knew that you will be the host. In his case, I had to become one myself - nobody, outside his immediate family or tropa had done it before to him.

In my own life, first times were really hard to forget. He may never read whatever things I wrote about him in this blog. But one thing is very certain:

No matter what others think, he is already a part of my life. It will never change.

Even if the "hang out" would never happen again.

---

I got a date with the night
burnin down my finger
gonna catch the kids dry
gonna walk on water

- Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Date With A Night

Good Friday

Should I feel joyful, ecstatic, concerned, dreadful, apathetic or defensive?

Exactly one month after I first admitted my attachment to P-Man in my blog, he woke me up with a text message this morning - telling me the reasons why he can't go "on duty" and asking me when we will go out. (since our plan didn't push through two days ago) The text exchanges lead to deeper conversations giving me the opportunity to tell him all the things that I left unsaid. He also revealed some things about him and us, that he would never talk about when we go home together after his "duty."

To put it straight, there will be a next time.

And even if the gravity of attraction isn't as strong as it used to be before, I will still hold on to the words I left during our most intimate moment that fateful night.

I suppose he knows where he stands. We both know that we're independent from each other. He will live his "other" life a secret since it would be more convenient for him that way. Despite the complications, I'd never leave, unless he wants me to. And he will never suffer the same fate of those who came before him. Our friendship, despite its ambiguity, will remain.

P-Man was the first to break my long and sacred tradition of separating sex from friendship. That distinction alone, gives him a special place in my heart, that nobody else can ever take.

---

it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

- Damien Rice, Cannonball