Speculations

Should I sound the alarm, or remain still and watch carefully my sister's developing activities?

A few weeks ago, I arrived home late. Instinctively, I asked my mom if everyone's home. She told me that my sister is still out, having a night out with her friends in Malate. I thought my mom meant that she was with her tibak friends. But lo and behold, I found out later that morning that she was with a girl-friend who is a former editor-in-chief of a college newspaper in her university.

Coincidentally, this friend of hers is my classmate in the masters. She is a chubby girl with a shoulder-length hair. Her dark-skin, maton posturing and silent demeanor had caught my fancy lately. We are not close, except for one time when I asked her for a stick of Marlboro. But I swear, whenever I observe her activities, my lesbian radar is acting up on her.

Knowing how more tuned my radar is in detecting lesbians, I might be in for something.

Anyway, after several weeks of hiatus, my sister suddenly became active in her "underground" movement again. This would have caused friction between us. However, since I gave my word to my mother that I won't fight over my sister's "unscrupulous activities," I did my best to calm myself last night after she told us that she would sleep over her group's place.

We saw each other again this afternoon. She was eating her late lunch after coming home from a rally in Mendiola. As I was picking bits and pieces of Tocino on her plate, she told me that she would not stay long. It turns out, she promised a friend that she will accompany her in watching a silent film in Greenbelt this evening.

"At saan ka naman kukuha ng pera pampanood ng sine?" I demanded her.

Such insignificant inquiry could have triggered a round of heated argument between us, if she did not explain well her intentions of watching a film.

"Libre ako ng friend ko." She answered calmly. "Lagi nga akong nililibre nun at hinahatid pauwi kapag lumalabas kami eh."

Guess who is this friend she's referring to?

Yes, it's her friend who is also my classmate in the masters; The one who I sensed to be a closeted lesbian in class.

The moment my sister revealed who her company is, I immediately felt relieved and happy that she is going out with someone aside from her tibak friends. Her tibak friends, who only knows how to shout "ibagsak ang kapitalismo!" while still patronizing products such as Starbucks and McDonalds is what me and my mom actively encourage my sister to avoid.

"Nagpromise na ako sa kanya eh, isa pa, social capital ko rin yun," she further explained while fixing herself in front of the wall mirror. "Social capital? Ano yun?" I asked myself mumbling.

I don't know how close they are as friends to convince my classmate to edit her thesis once it is finished. My sister even boast that her friend wrote an apology letter for a professor, which she apparently offended during her classroom-to-classroom "propaganda dissemination" last Monday.

Much as I would like to maliciously speculate about her friend's real intention, I consciously avoid reading things between the lines in order not to make a controversy out of it. My sudden interests in my sister's personal activities, might simply be an excuse for justifying my own sexual preference which is not yet sanctioned at home.

Knowing that my sister never had a boyfriend before might also be a good reason for my speculation. I do not know why her love life remained constantly zero for the last twenty years of her life and I don't really care either. However, if and ever she is open to the idea of trying it with someone "not her opposite," then it would surely forge a much closer relationship between us siblings.

As for my sister's friend, (who I presume to be "dating" her already kasi naman laging nililibre ang utol ko) despite appearing too butchy for my taste, her credentials as a professional is simply too much to ignore. She is far more accomplished than me and my buddy combined and she seems to appear gentle with a firm and disciplined personality hiding inside her big frame. She might inspire my sister to come into the light and embrace the smell of sheer normality of living a non-militant existence if her gamble would pay off.

And as for me, I guess now that I have analyzed the situation, it would be good if I would stay quiet about it. In fact, I should actively encourage my sister to see this girl so long as she would take her home after they go out.

If not for my fear that my classmate would blow my cover, I would actively try to reach out to her since she's giving more concern and attention to my sister than I do. But the semester is almost over and we've barely talked to each other at all.

Maybe in another time.

For me and my sister, this must be our fate.

If it does, then I guess we have to make the most out of it.

---

Me: Nagpaalam ka na ba kay mama na aalis ka?

Sister: Kaya ko nga pina-disconnect yang internet mo para tumawag sa kanya.

Me: Okey, siguraduhin mong ihahatid ka dito sa bahay ha. (Patuluyin mo na rin para ma-meet ni Mama)

Sister: Sige. Alis na ako kuya.

Me: Ingat... (Have fun.)

Sun God (Last Part)

"You know, I was a campus leader back then. At the age of 23 I had a high position in a college department and that I was being groomed to become..."

Sun God's life was driven by his desire to reach the top. He was an academic achiever, a natural genius and a renowned leader during his college years. He seems to be a determined hard worker according to the stories he told me. However, despite his achievements, he had one big waterloo. Sun God tends to get bored easily especially if he does not find something a challenge anymore.

Bored. Challenge. Achievement. Predator. His statements suddenly brought back memories of Euphoria Boy, an encounter from not so long ago. As Sun God recounts his adventures and downfalls in life, I wrapped my arm around his chest to make him feel better. He did not resist my arms, but I felt that he does not feel the bond the way I did. Instinctively, I instructed my stronger side to resist all attempts of getting attached. After all, rarely do I spend some quality time with someone I had just sex with.

Usually, it was purely a hit-and-run kind of encounter.

I asked him what triggered his sudden change of preference from being a solid straight guy to being a tripper. He told me that it was purely an accident. Since his revelation remains a sensitive issue for him, I would just let you know that he was indeed a lucky bastard. His confidence and charisma had brought him to situations I would only dream of.

His beginnings suddenly triggered my stiffness. As he felt it with his hands he told me, "nalibugan ka sa storya ko no?" The evidence was there and even if I felt embarrassed to admit the truth, I just said "galing mo kasi eh."

"Heto ang magaling." Sun God went on top of me.

Thus, the second round had begun.

This time, he was far more aggressive than he been during the first round. Being more comfortable with each other already gave him the green light to get more dominant in dealing with me.

"You know what pare, its my fantasy to rape a man." He said.

"Yeah? do you want me to resist you?" I asked him.

"Let's see if you can." He answered with his lustful eyes focused on my chest again.

"Ummm tangina pare gusto mo to?" His tone suddenly changed while forcing me to lie down with my face pushed against the mattress. I could have told him "Huwag po, huwag po kuya." But remembering how we made fun of such statement, I decided to play along and told him. "Ahh dude masarap, hindi ako lalaban sayo."

Thrilled by my response, he grabbed my arms and pinned it against my back. I was basically immobile while he kissed my back, licked my ears and rubbed his throbbing dick between the crevasse of my butt. I thought he would impale me with no rubber or lubricant on, but it seemed like he was just provoking. To tell you the truth, I never felt such sheer enjoyment playing a role play game. Imagine being raped by a more aggressive guy, shit! I think I should list it down as one of my nastier fantasies.

Eventually I was able to fight back and pin him down myself while returning the favor he initiated earlier. He got a good nibbling and kissing of his torso, biceps and even his thighs. The raunchy foreplay lead to oral dry-run and then finally, another impalement. He rammed me in front of the mirror while shouting obscenities that made us hornier.

"Look at yourself in front of the mirror, you exist to be like this. Remember that boy."

"Yeah, it's sooo good man, you're the only one who had done this to me."

The rest of the details, which are too graphic and kinky to even describe here in the blog will remain personal. Nevertheless, his way of treating his partner is something I had never experienced before. He can be slow and romantic if he feels like doing so, or he could turn you to a whore overnight by encouraging you to be slutty when dealing with him. Either way, we both enjoyed the tripping. He even commented after that of all the guys he had screwed, I am the only one who never complained of pain while being impaled by his sharp pole.

If he only knew how painful it was, especially since I came much faster than him. He would understand why it's more challenging and sophisticated to take the bottom rather than the top role. As for me, I endured the pain so that I would never hear anything from him saying that I whined like a girl.

---

After the second round, we spent several more hours talking about personal subjects, which, I would not easily divulge to someone I had sex with. Normally, I would be hostile to guys after an encounter but with Sun God's case, it seemed that the post-coital conversation drew me closer to him. I do not know if he felt the same. But knowing how strong his personality is, there is a big chance that we will never see or contact each other after tonight's encounter.

Like all others before him, I am just a temporary entity who's purpose is to take away a bored and lonely guy's all-encompassing booty call problem.

There may never be lets-be-friends-after-we-fuck-each-other after all.

He left the room first hoping that nobody would ever catch him doing it with another guy. The moment he closes the door, I immediately called the front desk to inform them of his departure. Much as I would like to hug him for such a great evening, I understood that he will never appreciate it. My role is over and it's back to the real world after the deed is complete.

As I waited for his text reply telling me that he had left the motel, I found myself sitting alone in the half-lit empty suite facing the mirror. In my reflection, I begin to wonder whether the sex and companionship was worth it. Am I simply trying to divert my attention elsewhere, so that I may never get upset with the affairs happening closer to homeworld?

Sun God's encounter will be long remembered, not only because he was one of the more masculine and dominant guys that I met, but also because he was the longest I stayed with after a no-strings attached tripping. As we talked about our lives, naked and staring at the monochrome ceiling, I felt like talking to a big brother I never had.

No wonder, after the nasty stuff is over and the enduring hours of listening to his endless bragging ends in silence, in finality, what's really left is the human feeling of longing;

The emptiness that comes after an intense bonding: A mistake born out of confusing temporal affection and intimacy for the real, long term attention.

Lately I begin to wonder, if all deep but brief encounters end up like this, should I put a stronger wall around me so that I may never be deceived again?

Or maybe, should I treat everything as a no-frills wham-bham confrontation, even if deep in my heart I know that such brief encounter

touches whatever humanity left in me?