Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Sanctuario

I had a nasty fight with my sister yesterday.

As the story goes, she wanted us to watch the Simpsons movie. Being a very busy person, I could not find a schedule to accommodate her request. Since my work-out finished early, I told her to prepare in order to maximize the time while I'm on my way home. My mistake however was that I could not resist the call of Puregold Supermarket. Believing that we could still make it on time at Gateway, I decided to buy some stuffs before heading home.

I did not expect that since it was raining all day, the traffic along Shaw Boulevard would be terrible.

When I arrived home, my sister was already fuming at me for being late.

On our way to the LRT Station, she continued to nag at me. Tired and exhausted, I snapped back at her and a nasty argument ensued. She told me "kaya kong manood mag-isa, umalis ka sa harap ko," her statement became the last draw in our verbal tirades. I literally backed off and left her walking towards the station. I could not bear the fact that she is the one asking me favors and then a slight shortcomings on my part and there she goes rattling at me.

The nerve of her.

Anyway, the conflict left me extremely upset. I could have returned home to rest and forget everything, but my mind tells me to get out and recollect myself elsewhere. Therefore, I went to my room to get my readings, which I have been assigned to report on class next week and then I left.

The problem was, I don't know where to go. The only option I could think of is to run towards the nearest internet cafe to drift elsewhere. At least after the sex part, I could find a shelter in somebody else's place. However, the mere thought could not contain me. It simply contradicts the way I began to think lately.

I hailed an FX going to Megamall. Told myself "bahala na" as I paid the driver the fare. For some strange reasons, it stopped to refuel at the gas station near my office. As I waited for the engine to start, I thought of Mami Athena. Then I remembered that every time I am in a state of severe tension, I would run to her and then quietly smoke in the bathroom beside her table.

An idea came to me.

I got off the FX at the gas station. Then I boarded a tricycle that would take me to my office. It was raining when I arrived. When Mami saw me, she thought I just came from the gym.

I never told her what happened. Instead, I asked her for a stick of Phillip Morris and then quietly went to the small bathroom, which I dubbed the "Panic Room" for its importance on my well-being.

The boss arrived and caught me by surprise. Much as I would like to hide, he saw me smoking. Since it was strictly prohibited to smoke inside the premises, I thought I was a goner. Luckily, the boss didn't mind my presence since he was busy instructing the QA Department of some changes in the company. You see, we have a new account and its anticipated arrival kept everyone busy the whole day yesterday.

After I've done smoking, I went to the HR Room where the reception area and the pantry is located. I told the people there that I'd just like to make tambay, which they merely responded with a puzzled look. Settling at the pantry, I took my readings out of my bag and quietly studied there, until the boss noticed me and volunteered his private office at the other side of the floor.

I declined his offer out of embarrassment.

But you know what, I was very very flattered by his offer.

You see, I've been working for that call center for more than two years. In all those times, I have always thought that I am just a mere employee - someone who has proven his worth and loyalty to the company without asking for any additional perks, acknowledgment or even just a mere raise. Mami once told me that I am already an asset, but never in my wildest thoughts did I try to use it as my leverage.

For in truth, what only matters to me is that I am happy and secured where I am.

It was raining hard outside as darkness had began to settle in. The conflict between me and my sister intensified after she cussed me in her text message. The only contact I had at home was through my mom, who had managed to keep her cool despite the ongoing war between her two children. The stand-off could have lasted the whole night, but since everything was contained between me and my sister, I have resolved to stay until the rains have subsided.

Besides, Princess, who was transferred to the afternoon shift was there so I had to show up and keep him company - assuming he don't know anyone from that shift yet.

In between my readings for school, my constant wanderings on the floor observing the operators from the afternoon shift and later, my chat with friends in the outside world, my overall feelings toward the office begins to warm up and somehow, becomes homier than usual.

It has become a safe refuge in a time when I don't really have a place to run to.

The afternoon operators' shift had finally ended and the graveyards begin to take their respective places on the floor. I could have stayed on and slept over if things were too unbearable at home. The following morning, my colleagues would take their turns and find me, still there. They will surely wonder whether I left the office at all. Looking at the continuous cycle taking place at work, I could have made a temporary camp-out in the floor while looking for a new home to occupy - if and ever I'd be booted out of homeworld.

That's how firm my belief is, now that I see the office as my fall-back.

As I left the building, a new sense of awe and wonder has finally dawned to me: Perhaps, my two years of servitude has its own subtle rewards in the end. What I felt yesterday was nothing more than the usual. The office has not only become a place of work, a transfer point to the gym or school and back, an excuse whenever I am elsewhere late at night, and a place of friendship beyond my usual circle of PLUs.

Now, the office has already become my true second home;

A place I could always run to and hide when things elsewhere becomes hostile to me.

Monday, August 6, 2007

If Looks Could Kill (A Repost)

Originally posted: July, 2006

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Dear XP,

I remembered that several weeks ago we had a little chitchat about the importance of looks in PLU life. You know what, you are absolutely right. Appearance, particularly body size plays a big role in the formation of hook-ups, relationships, and even some sort of heirarchy in the "world" we live in.

Sad but true, but I guess the more good looking and masculine you are the more guys like us become attracted or interested in you. That's a fact of life I have to accept now that I come face to face which such reality.

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It began two days ago. I stumbled upon the friendster account of my newest favorite radio station in town, 107.9 Underground Radio. The station plays house and electronic music non-stop 24/7. It's like clubbing at BED or Government the entire week without the trouble of paying the entrance fee. Anyway it's just a new radio station but their friendster list is full of beautiful people.

I checked out the profiles that were linked to the radio station's friendster list. One profile that caught my attention was a photo of a guy showing his back with a tribal henna tattoo design while standing on a beach. His back muscles alone is so yummy na, what more if he showed pa his face.



So I opened his profile to check more about the guy. My God, he was so gorgeous I could have wetted myself in an instant. Imagine bud, his pecs and shoulders are perfect. He has a pointy and well proportioned nose, an angular chin and most of all, he is a Chinito - God's gift to big boys like us. Unfortunately he is married and have kids at a young age of 23. Oh well, he is just another poster guy; folks like him exist to be admired and be drooled upon by us.

I also created an "extra" account in G4M last week. I was supposed to do this experiment about a very ugly guy (A distorted and lambasted pic of a gay colleague) and how the simple and "nagmamaganda" folks of G4M would respond to his "private messages."

However, I got bored with the profile soon because Mami Athena, the sweet lady who photo-shopped my colleague's picture did not lend me the new batch of my colleague's distorted face pic. Since I had a new idea after I checked out the hottie's pic on friendster yesterday morning, I immediately scrapped my previous experiment with the other G4M account and replaced it with the photos of the guy I just stole from friendster.

The straight hottie suddenly becomes an "unsure" tripper guy.

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The new photos were approved this morning. On its first hour alone of being "parked" in that website, tons of private messages from other guys came in. Many of them just wanted to admire the guy's physique only to ask for sex after; while some were very aggressive even from the very start, they wanted to hook up with my "guy" already.

What's flattering about using the experimental guy's profile is that those equally hottie guys in G4M, which would have easily ignored my own profile's messages were suddenly the one who sends messages to my new guy. In fact, I was so overwhelmed by some of their messages that I can't help but be flattered myself, even though I dont own the pic.

In fairness to the straight guy that really owns those pics that I "borrowed," I made sure that his "character" remains dignified and admirable. I made sure that he won't appear pretentious or too playful, harsh or flirty to other guys in the website. Honestly bud, I felt guilty yesterday while uploading his pic - but this is something I want to experience.

For the first time, I felt how it is like to be an uber-gorgeous guy to the eyes of everyone.

And what I've learned from the experience is something I never expected.

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Indeed, there is a saying among us that says "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." Im sure you understand this catchphrase bud, but I only appreciated its meaning while using the fake account. Cherokee, the guy whose pic appeared here several weeks ago was my guy's first victim. Using the hottie pic, I merely asked the gym where he worked out. In just a couple of minutes he replied and it was the start of our conversation that borders around sex (He is a bottom kaya I'm turned off na.)

Those who would send me junky messages like "hi," "care for a hook up?," "talaga xtra large ka, baka pwedeng patingin?" were immediately ignored. An average effem looking guy insisted on chatting with me using YM. The manner in which he introduced himself was so offensive, I was short of replying "Why should I chat with someone as ugly as you?" But I just restrained myself out of fear of Karma's wrath.

Even though I don't own my profile's pic, my attention was focused to guys who are as hot as my guy. I even got the luxury of seeing the faces of the guys who would just show their well sculpted body in their main profile.

I guess that's the priviledge of being good-looking and muscular at the same time.

But you know what, while writing this entry, I suddenly felt that his life must surely be a sad one.

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Imagine checking out the site everyday reading tons and tons of messages asking for hook-ups, dates, eye-balls, and things like that. Imaging enduring the cycle all the time until you get bored and jaded with the same routine everyday. Since you are extremely good-looking, you are constantly in search for someone more goodlooking only to be disappointed in the end. The search and dating and hook-ups goes on and on until you get so fucked up, you would start ignoring others by immediately putting a precaution message on your profile.

Since you are very masculine and probably not out to everyone, you would have a hard time making friends (because most of your "friends" would indirectly flirt with you). You can't trust or confide to no one because most of them would just simply get attached or attracted to you. I really wonder whether such face and body would get you a real friend.

Ang hirap rin pala.

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But it was fun to be in someone's shoes. While doing this "little" experiment, I just thought of work and everything fell into its proper places. In fact, the fake guy claims to have a condo unit in Rockwell and a business venture in Mandaluyong.

Shala diba?

I will still maintain the profile just to remind myself how great and difficult it is to be hot. I would access the profile from time to time (most of the time actually) so that I would always have a reason to shape up and be fit especially now that my work out is so erratic.

His pic would become at least, my ideal. I may never meet the real guy but at least his picture might inspire me and put my feet on the ground all the time.

In the end, after everything has been said and faked, one thing that I positively realized about this endeavor is that the things which we percieve as good, would only be better if we do it the best way we could think of.

Like what I've said to a friend this afternoon while chatting with him in YM about my philosophy, if ever my work-out completely succeeds.

I would follow a path where looks equals kindness and responsibility.

Nothing beats a guy who is good-looking and down-to-earth at the same time.