Fairietailer (Mugenblu Edited Version)*

Readers would be surprised as to why I haven't updated my blog for several days na. Wala lang, siguro walang time. Besides, it's hard to compose sensible thoughts over at blog. Kelangan mo talagang pag isipan ang bawat sasabihin mo eh. While here, you can be eternally crappy and jologs as long as you want.

Browsing the websites, I feel kinda regretful about my past decisions about my career. What turns out to be initially boring job turns out to be interesting pala! Ewan ko ba. Maybe there's something bigger waiting for me in the future. Patience and long term thoughts is what I needed right now.

Roy had a date last night. Based from his intitial kwento this morning, he had maximum enjoyment daw. He even claimed that though he doesn't like kissing boys, namaga daw lips niya dun sa date niya kagabi. He even said that his date looks like Dodong (our friend), only very much taller. Tapos he had big arms (yum!) and a very lovely happy trail. Wala lang, from his description before he met the guy last night, one would get an impression that the guy is 1. Masculine, 2. Aggressive. 3. Top 4. Financially Strong. What makes the guy more interesting is that he drives his own car. (Wish ko lang Lancer Evo para shala) and dates girls as well. Pero bakit ganun, I feel a slight tinge of envy (not selos ha) whenever I hear his stories. Is it because I never had proud moments like he does? Is it because he's so good in storytelling, one won't help but be impressed at how technicolor his PLU life is?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for Roy. Sino bang hindi, kung wala siyang storya na ganun, wala kaming kwentuhan every time we hang out. Nobody would get inspired to follow his footsteps - whoever that hearer is. Grabe, naalala ko tuloy si Euphoria Boy ulit. When Roy said he's "doing something milagro at the parking lot of..." What I can picture in my mind
is a make-out scene in Antipolo. Somewhere where there is a good and striking view of Manila at night.

But you know what, even though I paused for a moment while I imagined his fairytale, I also realized that fairytales exists in
moments. There are really no close-ended, happy endings. The closest fairytales I have recently is when Phanks hugs me before I go to work in the morning. Alam mo yun, when he snuggles at you and tucks himself between ur arms and chest while under the sheets sabay sobrang lamig pa ng hangin, parang nakakaramdam ka ng sense at purpose sa relationship niyo. I honestly feel better going to work when those hugging moments happen. But since our existence is pretty routine and ordinary, such things never have special status anymore. But I bet, if that happens with another guy, then it's something mystifying.

Talking about fairy tales. Roy is still ecstatic about the outcome of his date last night. I on the other hand is excited to know the graphic details of his story. Perhaps I could meet up with him after going to the gym later this afternoon. I may be amused and enthralled by my friend's exploits; same thing is true whenever I tell mine. Even though I may preoccupy my thoughts with my own fairy tales, daydreams and fantasies from time to time, looking at a cynic point of view, those things are just mere passing moments: some diversionary breather that takes you away from the mundaness of life. If only I could remind myself all the time how fairytales leave you emptier, I'd rather have a monotonous existence with someone I'm already used to be with, than live in split-second fairytales which would just leave you

longing for more

after.

*Taken from another journal.

At Dahil Ang Bangka Ay Sa Ating Dalawa

Habang tayo ay nasa gitna ng isang malawak na ilog
at nakaupo sa iisang bangka,
narealize kong hindi ito gagalaw sapagkat
hawak mo ang isang sagwan,
mag-isa man ako rito sa bangka, hindi ko rin
alam kung saan ang aking direksyon
dahil ikaw ang may hawak ng kalahati
ng mapa.

Sadya atang ang iisang bangka
ay para sa ating dalawa
sapagkat nang mawala ka,
nawalan ako ng bestfriend...
anlaki laki ng nawala sa akin.

Lubos kong ikinagagalak ang ating muling
pagkikita ng landas.

Na miss kita bud... sobra.

Dear Boytoy

Magdadapit hapon ng masilayan ko ang iyong mukha. Isang tingin ko pa lang, malakas na and dating mo sa mga taong makakapansin sayo.

Totoo nga ang sabi mong may lahi kang Latino. Sa kulay pa lang ng iyong balat, sa korte ng iyong ilong, sa ganda ng iyong mga bata, at sa kisig ng iyong katawan, tiyak lahat ng makikilala mo ay magnanasa sa iyo.

Sa kwento mo pa lang, tila pati mga babae, gustong magpalahi sa iyo.

---

Gaya ng bungad mo, nakipagkita ka upang maglabas ng loob dahil sa iyong jowang walang inatupag kundi awayin ka. Noong una, awang-awa pa ako sayo habang kumakain ka ng Chicken Rice with Teriyaki Sauce sa Teriyaki Boy. Pakiramdam ko, sa gandang lalaki mong yan, ikaw pa ang nagtitiis at nagpapasensya sa asawa mong walang pakiealam sa iyo.

At sa tuwing ika'y ngingiti, kulang na lang, tawagan ko ang aking kaibigang si Julius at tumili sa phone at mang-inggit dahil naka-jackpot ako at nasilayan kita. Kulang na lang, gayahin ko ang iyong probinsyano accent na talaga namang turn-on para sa kaibigan kong iyon...

Kulang na lang, higitin ko ang kanyang pagkahaba-habang buhok at kaladkarin siya mula Fairview, para sabay namin ikaw pagmamasdan, habang nagkukurutan kami ng mga singit kakakilig dahil sa iyo.

Kaya hindi na ako nagtataka, sa buong panahong nasa harap kita... kabi-kabila ang text message ng mga masugid mong mga fans.

---

Masarap ka sanang kakwentuhan. Pagmasdan ka pa lang ngumiti, busog na ang mga mata ko. Ngunit sa paglipat natin ng lugar sa may Podium, unti-unting nagbago ang pagkakakilala ko sayo.

Makailang beses, inalok ka ng pagkain ng ating host. Habang patindi ng patindi ang aking pagtanggi sa kanya dahil sa hiya, ikaw naman ang tuwang-tuwa sa pag-aalok sayo. Sa impression ko pa lang na iyon, alam ko na, hindi tayo magkakasundo.

At nang magkwento kang muli tungkol sa iyong buhay. Iba na ang sinasabi ng iyong salita. Ngayon, malinaw na sa akin kung ano ang buhay PLU na meron ka.

Dala na rin ng iyong kaakit akit na itsura, sa tingin ko, ito'y iyong ginagamit upang magpatalon-talon sa piling ng iba't ibang lalaki. Nanggaling na rin sa iyong bibig na marami kang kalaguyo, at ang iba sa kanila... ay siya pang sumusustento sayo. Kaya pala, kahit na relatibong mas mataas ang antas ng trabaho ko sayo, higit kang mas nakakagastos kesa kaya ng sarili kong sweldo.

Unti unti, natatalupan ang iyong payak at simpleng pagkatao ng isang personalidad... na sa tanang buhay ko ay hindi ko papangarapin magkaroon. Ang iyong mga nakaraan sa sinehan, sa mga madidilim na sulok, sa piling ng iba't ibang lalaki; ang iyong buhay, ay sadyang sobrang gulo at dilim upang maintindihan ng isang katulad ko.

---

Sa ating paghihiwalay, binigyan mo ako ng isang malaking aral... bago pa man ako makatagpo ng isang katulad mo.

Buti na lang at eyeball ka ng iba, kung hindi, baka sa takot ko sayo, hindi ko na pinatagal ang ating pagkikita.

Marahil, isang bahagi pa lang ng buhay mo ang aking narinig ngayong hapon. Baka sakaling sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon, may bahagi pa rin ng iyong buhay ang higit na kaaya-aya kesa sa aking narinig ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung sa muling pagkakataon ay palarin pa tayong magkita. Nasa iyong eyeball na yun, kung sa muling pagkakataon ay isasama ka pa niya sa lakad naming dalawa. Pero sa ating pamamaalam, malinaw na sa akin na gaano man kalakas ang iyong dating, gaano ko man pangarapin na pagmasdan habangbuhay ang iyong mga mata, ang iyong mga nakakatunaw na ngiti, at pagpantasyahan ang hubog ng iyong katawan,

lagi kong pangingilagan ang iyong pagkatao.

Sapagkat alam ko... anuman ang depensang itapat ko sayo, at sa mga lalaking kagaya mo.

Isang hakbang mo lang palapit sa akin,

ibabagsak mo ako.

Matronix Unlimited

I met a bunch of kids last saturday during their second GEB. When I say kids, it means they are young homos like me - except that I find them much more innocent and angel-like than yours truly. In fact, I was even too shy to open up a topic coming from me - which would most likely revolve around boys or sex. Baka mamaya, some of them might just do a sign of the cross then do a pray-over in front of me. I guess except for the organizer, and mister Choirboy, the 30 year old guy who also joined the activity, most of the kids there were just barely out of the closet.

The GEB reminds me of the days when I was just starting to meet up guys like me. They said they were bisexuals - which in my mind translates to being straight-acting. But during those days, I think Roy was the only one who passed my standards - and RC too. It would take several more months before I would meet Papu, Kapatid na James, and the rest of the Manhood boys.

Things come so fast. The last time I attended a first-time GEB, the attendees were talking about PLU issues such as coming-out and avoiding being detected, their thoughts about guy to guy relationship, and some other small chit-chats I still cannot relate to. Now, when I attend a big gathering, I expect it to be pure hardcore - talk about boys here, boys there and yes, sex everywhere. If things would get a little deeper, then we would talk about relationships and hardships of being a gay man. I am so used to hard talking than when I met those kids last week, I was culture shocked.

I simply don't know what to say or what to chit-chat to those boys.

Good thing, my attendance there was a mere support to their rising group. Honestly, I would like to see them becoming like us someday. Of course, our foundations were deep - too deep that you would be humbled sometimes when you think about the things you have experienced and enjoyed together as a group.

But who knows, they can do the same - someday.

Like what I've said time and again, I sincerely wish that my brotherhood with the ODDERs would be for a lifetime. I would never become the homosexual that I am now, if not for them, who have been my company ever since the early days of my homosexuality.

The Day They Took Away Happiness

It would have been a normal, typical Tuesday morning.

After sliding my time card in the bundy clock, I would have logged on to our system so that the bosses would know that I am already ready to answer the pending messages. Next thing I would do is open my Yahoo Messenger to send my ritual goodmorning message to Pipay early in the morning. Most likely he would greet back "Morning Pogi." or, on frisky mornings, he would just ask me. "Nasaan ang lalaki ko?"

After a small chitchat with him, I would open a link to pinoyexchange.com to check out the homosexual movements in that online forum. Most of the time, I would see Pipay's post, either contradicting someone or praising some cool stories shared by some newbie homosexual guy. In between work and chat, I would have shared my thoughts as well; either I would have reinforced Pipay's statement, or in most cases, just minding my own business alone - until of course he starts to join my "party."

When I get bored, I would open my limewire to check some new MP3s to download. However, since most operators were either playing online games or just chatting in their respective IM service, somebody would complain that the connection is slowing down. And I would be forced to close my Limewire, since the first casualty in the morning shift, would always be me.

Because I handled three accounts.

By 9 am, Redguy would have logged on as well. Like everyday ritual, he would greet me "morning" to announce his presence. During lean days, we would have chatted all morning, while the rest of the ODDERs were having their own conference in the other window.

Most likely, Pipay would once again mack my system just to remind me to find him a guy to meet up - or spend time with. Automatically, I would open a link to G4M - to shop for guys and oogle on their muscular or toned bodies - which lately I am try emulate myself, while seeking numbers and pictures which I could send to my friend.

An hour before noon, I would have probably checked my production status. If I feel that I wont reach my personal quota for the day, I would announce to everyone my brief isolation from the community. For 3 hours, I would produce more messages than I could produce in two hours early in the morning, that way, I would go home happy and fullfilled, that my routine has been strictly followed for the day.

---

Unfortunately, it won't happen anymore.

In a surprise move, the masters suddenly reformatted the computers and made sure the operators would only click the icons they are required to use. My limewire, which I treasured for seven months has been completely eradicated.

The Yahoo Messanger, which had been my connection to the outside world; my link far beyond insanity was taken down as well.

And worse of all, we could not delete anymore the websites we have visited while working during our shift.

That means somebody could check out the websites I've been through today.

That means there's an 80% chance somebody could read this blog from office.

That means my sadness and disappointments would probably reach, even the highest authority in my company.

And that's good. Because the changes were too sudden and too swift for most of us.

Since I've been doing my job and delivering my expected production - with or without those distractions.

Why change the environment now, since most of us were happily doing our job with those priviledges.

---

Nakakalungkot minsan na as we grow bigger, the things we cherished when we were smaller gradually vanish before our eyes.

I sincerely wish, that I would never see the day when one morning, I would just simply realize that I'm already alienated in my work.

That my own company took away the last remaining happiness and distraction in me.

Dear Pipay

Nakakaasar! Hindi kita makikita bukas sa YM. Lam mo ba, sa tuwing papasok ako sa umaga, ikaw at si Shaula ang unang hinahanap ko? Pano ba naman kapag nakita ko na kayong nakaonline dun, ibig sabihin ilang oras na lang at kulitan na naman tayo sa conference. Sa sobrang bitchy ko tuwing umaga, kayo lang ang nagpapasaya sa akin eh. Siguro naging trademark mo na ang "gandang umaga pare" at napabilang na yun sa routine ko kaya't hinahanap-hanap ko na sa tuwing nagkikita tayo sa YM.

Lam mo ba, sobrang flattered ako ng kaninang nalaman kong naninilip ka pala ng blog ko. Wala lang, sa sobrang angas mo, hindi ko inaasahan na lurker ka rin pala paminsan minsan (kahit na inookray mo rin naman ang mga entries ko). Salamat ha, taena, it means a lot pare.

Honga pala, tagal na kitang hindi nakakasama gumimik. Kelan ba yung last? Noon pa yatang nanood tayo ng Dungeons and Dragons hehe. Lam mo ba, sa tuwing nagkikita kami ni Ate Nate at ni Roy, laging napapagusapan ka namin. Wala lang, siguro dahil lagi naming naalala ang presence mo. Mula sa lantarang pagsasabi ng "gago" hanggang sa walang sawa mong pagtatanong tuwing nag ga-gayspeak kami, laging pinaguusapan namin yun kasabay ang pagpapasalamat at napabilang ka sa amin.

Swerte mo nga eh, ang bilis mong na-integrate kahit na aminin nating sobrang straight-curious mo pa para makarelate sa amin. Yung mga nauna sayo, mga hustler na pero dumaan pa rin sa karayom bago nakapasok sa grupo namin, karamihan sa kanila hindi rin na-integrate completely.

Naalala ko pa nung unang eyeball natin, tinanong ko pa si Roy kung mag-babakla-baklaan kami sa harap mo. Sabi ni Roy, mag Sprite daw kami kasi para kaming timang na nagpa-pare-pare pa kami sa harap mo eh sa totoo lang "ateh" ang tawag namin sa bawat isa. Buti nga hindi mo kami tinakbuhan eh, sa hitsura namin noon, ewan ko lang kung me tatagal saming barakong... katulad mo.

Ang bilis rin pala, parang kailan lang. Ilang lalaki na ba ang dumaan sa buhay mo? Tsk, lakas kasi ng alindog mo eh! Yun nga lang, masyado kang mapili. Naghahanap ka ng katulad ni ________ at ni ________ at ni _________ at pati na rin si Bunsoy ni Mami crush mo, pag kaharap mo naman, parang sino kang tameme na gusto mo kami rin ang kausap mo. Buti na nga lang at wala kami nung last date mo eh. Kung hindi, baka kami rin ang nag-entertain sa kausap mo kung meron saming nandun.

Pasensya ka na kung nabaling ang senti ko sayo ah! Taena, namiss ko lang talaga ang angas mo. O sha, hanggang dito na lang. Hayaan mo, hahanap kami ng bagong irereto sayo. Ikaw naman, wag ka na masyadong mapili ha. Kaya tuwang tuwa sayo ang mga bakla kasi naman kitang kita nila sayo ang sarili nila nung nagsisimula pa lamang sila.

Pustahan tayo tol, kapag ikaw na-devirginize, hahanap hanapin mo rin ang buhay na meron kami. Siguro sa unang pagkakataon, hindi ka magrereklamo kapag sex ang naging usapan namin. Yung mga kwento mo tungkol sa tsiks mo, balewala yun! Taena, kung nag-enjoy ako noon edi dapat hindi ako ganito ngayon. Basta ingat ka lang ha, at siguradong papadaanin mo muna sa meat inspection committee ang mga bagong date mo. Hanggang sa muli pare. Maging at home ka sana lagi sa barkada kahit na naka-sentro lagi sayo ang atensyon at pangtri-trip kapag kasama ka namin.

Pinatawad na rin kita sa pagbabasura mo ng mga mga M2M porn na pinahiram ko.

Ingat ka sana lagi pare... lalo na sa pangmamanyak ni Roy. Hehehe

Nagmamahal,

Ang iyong gurlalou,

Madonna