It sucks
to wake up one morning
realizing that you're the
one being left behind.
Again.
The Techno Revolution, Unnoticed
6 years ago
Showing posts with label now that Im single. Show all posts
Showing posts with label now that Im single. Show all posts
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Ikaanim
I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the exes for the last seven years to justify those hopes with which Mugen and Pulsar have been pleased to solace themselves. Is it that mind-blowing intimacy with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your heart. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this sensuous reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations after our affections have been emptied? Are cold treatment and gradual distance necessary to a work of love and romance? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of abandonment or subjugation; the last arguments to which other men resort.
- Patrick Henry, Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death
We have forgiven, but nobody says we should ever forget.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Bonus Round
"Joms we're getting older basta decente lang hitsura, its more important to have a guy who will love you and who will treat you fairly. I think its too much to ask the Lord for much more."
- a text message yesterday morning, Dr. Magsasaka
- a text message yesterday morning, Dr. Magsasaka
---
No one among the encantos heeded my call last night. A sign.
When I went to Malate and entered the sweaty, smoky dance floor of Chelu, a lot of stares greeted me. Instead of staring back and breaking my five-minute game, I played safe and held my ground. An omen.
A few minutes before 1 in the morning, I saw my favorite couple in Malate. Seeing them after so many months left a smile on my face. I was overjoyed. Barely a few seconds after exchanging pleasantries, my mobile phone vibrated. It was the prospect confirming my presence. A predicament.
Flying to Timog, we decided to have a drink at Quatro.
So many stories were exchanged last night. We both had fun and it never ended in bed.
He got home safe, I got home safe. We parted ways ten minutes before sunrise and he even called just to make sure I was alright.
Woke up this afternoon with a hang-over.
The best one I had lately.
If we end up as friends, I would gain a consultant for my half brother.
When I went to Malate and entered the sweaty, smoky dance floor of Chelu, a lot of stares greeted me. Instead of staring back and breaking my five-minute game, I played safe and held my ground. An omen.
A few minutes before 1 in the morning, I saw my favorite couple in Malate. Seeing them after so many months left a smile on my face. I was overjoyed. Barely a few seconds after exchanging pleasantries, my mobile phone vibrated. It was the prospect confirming my presence. A predicament.
Flying to Timog, we decided to have a drink at Quatro.
So many stories were exchanged last night. We both had fun and it never ended in bed.
He got home safe, I got home safe. We parted ways ten minutes before sunrise and he even called just to make sure I was alright.
Woke up this afternoon with a hang-over.
The best one I had lately.
If we end up as friends, I would gain a consultant for my half brother.
If this goes well and our friendship turns into something more romantic, I will end up having a doctor for a partner.
Last Full Show
Heartland of Ermita, 11 pm
---
---
I was about to go to sleep this evening when I got a text message from you.
"I'm drinking again. shucks..."
Surrendering the night to rest, you suddenly awakened my senses. We met in an online forum last week. Like El Tigre, you used to hang out in the fitness threads on that website. One morning, I found you wandering in the non-straight threads and your sudden change of color encouraged me to send you a private message.
The pleasant message exchanges lead to deeper conversations until one evening we traded numbers. There is now mutual companionship between us and if this friendship breaks all norms of online relationships, it may spill over and bloom into a romantic engagement.
Maybe this chance led me to get up, take a shower and make an excuse to leave home after your proposal to have a drink - if and ever your conference ends early tonight.
"Last time daw this meeting ended at 3am fyi. Nyahahahaha!"
"Ayos lang pag naging drunken master ka at natuto ka ng sleeping fairy technique, ako aakay sayo. Wahahahaha!" I replied.
I do not know what's gotten into me, but once again, I'm placing all hopes that you're worth the chase. This is what's sad about being single. Every person you meet, every being who fits your ideal suddenly becomes your prospect. I guess now, our friendship borders between worlds and now that you have opened the doors for a more direct contact,
I don't know how our story will gonna end.
Truth be told: If ever we never get to meet tonight, I have two fall-back options to retreat to. As I waited for confirmation that you're still open for a meet-up I sent beacons to some encantos to cover me when things fail. If they decide not to answer my plea, Malate will become my port of call.
I do not know how things will end tonight,
but I do hope that by tomorrow morning, I will wake up knowing a promising future will greet me as I start my day again.
"I'm drinking again. shucks..."
Surrendering the night to rest, you suddenly awakened my senses. We met in an online forum last week. Like El Tigre, you used to hang out in the fitness threads on that website. One morning, I found you wandering in the non-straight threads and your sudden change of color encouraged me to send you a private message.
The pleasant message exchanges lead to deeper conversations until one evening we traded numbers. There is now mutual companionship between us and if this friendship breaks all norms of online relationships, it may spill over and bloom into a romantic engagement.
Maybe this chance led me to get up, take a shower and make an excuse to leave home after your proposal to have a drink - if and ever your conference ends early tonight.
"Last time daw this meeting ended at 3am fyi. Nyahahahaha!"
"Ayos lang pag naging drunken master ka at natuto ka ng sleeping fairy technique, ako aakay sayo. Wahahahaha!" I replied.
I do not know what's gotten into me, but once again, I'm placing all hopes that you're worth the chase. This is what's sad about being single. Every person you meet, every being who fits your ideal suddenly becomes your prospect. I guess now, our friendship borders between worlds and now that you have opened the doors for a more direct contact,
I don't know how our story will gonna end.
Truth be told: If ever we never get to meet tonight, I have two fall-back options to retreat to. As I waited for confirmation that you're still open for a meet-up I sent beacons to some encantos to cover me when things fail. If they decide not to answer my plea, Malate will become my port of call.
I do not know how things will end tonight,
but I do hope that by tomorrow morning, I will wake up knowing a promising future will greet me as I start my day again.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Of The Things To Come
Isang dahilan kung bakit ayaw ko na masyadong nakukuha ng isang bagay o tao ang aking atensyon ay dahil ang unang apektado ay ang pagsusulat ko.
Kagaya ng nangyari ngayong gabi.
Mahigit apat na oras rin yun.
Mahigit apat na oras rin yun.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Monthsary | Reset Button
Kung sana ang puso
ay hindi namimili ng iibigin,
marahil ngayon ay
may isang kabiyak ka nang tinatawag
at ang mga monthsary entries
na kagaya nito ay isang ala-ala
na lamang ng pitong buwang pag-iintay
sa panibagong nilalang na bubuo sa iyo.
---
With the Odinhood and Shuriken Pacts already dissolved, nothing could stop you from searching. But with trouble brewing at home, wonder if you would let someone take you away from the sunless kingdoms
and let others join you in your struggle.
ay hindi namimili ng iibigin,
marahil ngayon ay
may isang kabiyak ka nang tinatawag
at ang mga monthsary entries
na kagaya nito ay isang ala-ala
na lamang ng pitong buwang pag-iintay
sa panibagong nilalang na bubuo sa iyo.
---
With the Odinhood and Shuriken Pacts already dissolved, nothing could stop you from searching. But with trouble brewing at home, wonder if you would let someone take you away from the sunless kingdoms
and let others join you in your struggle.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Grounds For Secession
If he didn't text back and told you how you were missed, it would most certain your world will never turn upside down.
But he did, and in the two days of silence, wind whispers tell of how much he knifed your life.
And so you were left dreaming, with your umbilical cord attached to his stomach. Nobody could ever interrupt your sleep - not even your inner circle of acquaintances who constantly checked how you were doing. You answered in broken sentences, but your mark on twitter revealed how such one person could leave you heartbroken and wishful at the same time. It was more of a struggle to claim your ground, while you inject some sense as to what you were doing. Unlike him, who could sway you with digital affections, you want to express your emotions in an analog fashion.
---
Tuesday afternoon, you journeyed all the way from Legarda to Ayala just to pick him up. He was a stranger by the way, and not your lover. You said it would be a surprise and you did it to prove that you can make time for him, like what you said in the text message. The cloudy skies and damp ground did not hinder your attempt. Though you never found him at his office's reception area, your paths crossed at Zara boutique in Glorietta, a few blocks away from where he works.
We know that his world is far, far different from yours. He belongs to the realm of the fairies, (but he doesn't pass as one) while you, stick your ground as one of the ogres. I remember, when you picked him up that Tuesday afternoon, he was wearing a very tight navy blue polo shirt with red eagle embroidery stitched on the fabric. His jeans were of the skinny variety. Looking at both of you, there was no doubt you appeared more like his bodyguard. Wearing a worn-out baggy pants from your college days and a plain brown T-shirt doesn't pass as a fashion statement.
In your normal state of mind, such get-up would have been a reason to pull back. You prided your rugged appearance for it was easier to conceal your sexuality from those who would look at you with hostile intentions. But such was a different time that Tuesday. Dazed at how far your first contact had come a long way, you overlooked his appearance believing that your intimate connection was stronger than what others would think about you as pairs.
You slept, next to him, he was naked, while his best friend looked at you with almost jealous eyes. Something told you that their connection was deep (the best friend would endearingly call him baby and they would snuggle and cuddle while you wearily stared at them from a distance) but you brushed such thoughts by recalling how Omeng and Pao, your friends from Odders had that sort of bond as well. There was no denial that it bothered you. It revealed your possessive nature and how territorial you were over your holdings. But the best friend, is the best friend. What mattered to him, probably mattered to your guy as well.
In his arms you felt safe. Funny how one lean guy could make a buffed guy like you feel secured. Should it be the other way around? When his best friend left for work, you snuggled, curled your legs over his and pressed your head against his shoulder for reasons only heart could tell. You planted kisses, as he pushed you away while he snored loud enough to disturb the tranquility of the room. Had it been in your place, the utol would have complained the next morning of the noise.
But would he accept your invitation to a sleep over? I doubt if such image would ever be painted.
---
Deep inside, you know that it could become a one-way affair. Your attachment is much stronger than his, and you rave everytime he would reaffirm your affections. You let him defy your standards, compromise most of your beliefs and let your body deteriorate just to follow him around for what? A chance to have a monogamous relationship with someone who may not lift a finger on your behalf?
In six months, you have been romantically involved with six men. These affairs may not have prospered but you learned from each one of them. Looking at the trends, when the other gives more, you tend to take them for granted. But if it is you who pushes harder, you tend to be ignored. It is a constant cycle, which I think, you have to break free.
It doesn't mean that when you openly tell him of your attachments, also gives him the right to bully you. It must not work that way, your nurturing values doesn't grant you to shove people around like some did to you.
You are here to seek an equal.
So I will place myself at your disposal. Like a shadow dancing behind your back, I will shroud his presence for you to see his darker elements. My intervention will attempt to pull you back from this attachment, which is precariously reanimating the life you once had. If he wishes to win you over, it is time for him to work hard to recapture the things he had already lost.
I don't look forward to responding to his sweet nothings. I will make you numb enough to suppress your inner longings until such time you won't need his presence. Romance will always have its bliss, but for you who will emerge from something that is bound to become a nightmare,
Absolute detachment remains the blueprint for a well-ordered life.
---
The orbiter is done analyzing the habitability of the planet it stumbled. An oceanic surface regularly lashed by planet-wide super-storms will prevent any colony from ever thriving. Underwater cities maybe a fancy idea to compensate for such seemingly hostile environment, but with a homeworld undergoing a global recession, it is best to send the satellite back to outer space.
Sending the commands to turn the orbiter away from the planet. It swings its solar panels starward to capture as much starlight as it could and convert it to energy. From its protruding antenna comes the order to distort the space around it for a wormhole to open. Firing its ion thrusters, the satellite slowly moves toward the black hole it just created.
The galaxy remains open for exploration. The orbiter will never cease jumping from star system to star system until it finds a planet it will call its new home.
But he did, and in the two days of silence, wind whispers tell of how much he knifed your life.
And so you were left dreaming, with your umbilical cord attached to his stomach. Nobody could ever interrupt your sleep - not even your inner circle of acquaintances who constantly checked how you were doing. You answered in broken sentences, but your mark on twitter revealed how such one person could leave you heartbroken and wishful at the same time. It was more of a struggle to claim your ground, while you inject some sense as to what you were doing. Unlike him, who could sway you with digital affections, you want to express your emotions in an analog fashion.
---
Tuesday afternoon, you journeyed all the way from Legarda to Ayala just to pick him up. He was a stranger by the way, and not your lover. You said it would be a surprise and you did it to prove that you can make time for him, like what you said in the text message. The cloudy skies and damp ground did not hinder your attempt. Though you never found him at his office's reception area, your paths crossed at Zara boutique in Glorietta, a few blocks away from where he works.
We know that his world is far, far different from yours. He belongs to the realm of the fairies, (but he doesn't pass as one) while you, stick your ground as one of the ogres. I remember, when you picked him up that Tuesday afternoon, he was wearing a very tight navy blue polo shirt with red eagle embroidery stitched on the fabric. His jeans were of the skinny variety. Looking at both of you, there was no doubt you appeared more like his bodyguard. Wearing a worn-out baggy pants from your college days and a plain brown T-shirt doesn't pass as a fashion statement.
In your normal state of mind, such get-up would have been a reason to pull back. You prided your rugged appearance for it was easier to conceal your sexuality from those who would look at you with hostile intentions. But such was a different time that Tuesday. Dazed at how far your first contact had come a long way, you overlooked his appearance believing that your intimate connection was stronger than what others would think about you as pairs.
You slept, next to him, he was naked, while his best friend looked at you with almost jealous eyes. Something told you that their connection was deep (the best friend would endearingly call him baby and they would snuggle and cuddle while you wearily stared at them from a distance) but you brushed such thoughts by recalling how Omeng and Pao, your friends from Odders had that sort of bond as well. There was no denial that it bothered you. It revealed your possessive nature and how territorial you were over your holdings. But the best friend, is the best friend. What mattered to him, probably mattered to your guy as well.
In his arms you felt safe. Funny how one lean guy could make a buffed guy like you feel secured. Should it be the other way around? When his best friend left for work, you snuggled, curled your legs over his and pressed your head against his shoulder for reasons only heart could tell. You planted kisses, as he pushed you away while he snored loud enough to disturb the tranquility of the room. Had it been in your place, the utol would have complained the next morning of the noise.
But would he accept your invitation to a sleep over? I doubt if such image would ever be painted.
---
Deep inside, you know that it could become a one-way affair. Your attachment is much stronger than his, and you rave everytime he would reaffirm your affections. You let him defy your standards, compromise most of your beliefs and let your body deteriorate just to follow him around for what? A chance to have a monogamous relationship with someone who may not lift a finger on your behalf?
In six months, you have been romantically involved with six men. These affairs may not have prospered but you learned from each one of them. Looking at the trends, when the other gives more, you tend to take them for granted. But if it is you who pushes harder, you tend to be ignored. It is a constant cycle, which I think, you have to break free.
It doesn't mean that when you openly tell him of your attachments, also gives him the right to bully you. It must not work that way, your nurturing values doesn't grant you to shove people around like some did to you.
You are here to seek an equal.
So I will place myself at your disposal. Like a shadow dancing behind your back, I will shroud his presence for you to see his darker elements. My intervention will attempt to pull you back from this attachment, which is precariously reanimating the life you once had. If he wishes to win you over, it is time for him to work hard to recapture the things he had already lost.
I don't look forward to responding to his sweet nothings. I will make you numb enough to suppress your inner longings until such time you won't need his presence. Romance will always have its bliss, but for you who will emerge from something that is bound to become a nightmare,
Absolute detachment remains the blueprint for a well-ordered life.
---
The orbiter is done analyzing the habitability of the planet it stumbled. An oceanic surface regularly lashed by planet-wide super-storms will prevent any colony from ever thriving. Underwater cities maybe a fancy idea to compensate for such seemingly hostile environment, but with a homeworld undergoing a global recession, it is best to send the satellite back to outer space.
Sending the commands to turn the orbiter away from the planet. It swings its solar panels starward to capture as much starlight as it could and convert it to energy. From its protruding antenna comes the order to distort the space around it for a wormhole to open. Firing its ion thrusters, the satellite slowly moves toward the black hole it just created.
The galaxy remains open for exploration. The orbiter will never cease jumping from star system to star system until it finds a planet it will call its new home.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Under Heaven's Skies
Boldness has
genius, power,
and magic in it.
- Dabo, As quoted from W.H. Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
It seems someone doesn't want to let go. My mind tells to pursue dreaming, but the heart desires to give love a chance.
---
If ever you think
Careless is the night
I'll comfort you with silence
Till the morning light
- Collective Soul, Under Heaven's Skies
genius, power,
and magic in it.
- Dabo, As quoted from W.H. Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
It seems someone doesn't want to let go. My mind tells to pursue dreaming, but the heart desires to give love a chance.
Anu gawa mu ngaun. Kaw naman jan hindi paparamdam? Cenxa na talaga. Mejo pagod aq from work. Antok pa dahil lasing aq nung dumating sabinyagan sa relatives q. Hehe. Di q alam kung ilang beses q xa inulit sayo. Siguro tulog ka na no? Wlang reply eh.This is what happens when you stop flooding sweet nothings to a person who felt and enjoyed the best of you after the first meet up.
Sankana banda? Mimiss na qta. Akala q di kana tetext ulit. Alam q naman na busy kadin kaya di kita masyado iniistorbo.
---
If ever you think
Careless is the night
I'll comfort you with silence
Till the morning light
- Collective Soul, Under Heaven's Skies
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Premature Ejaculation
There are things we will never learn and there are things bound to happen over and over again. For whatever it's worth, the constant cycle reminds us of events which are inescapable. No matter how we try to impose new changes, when opportunity arises, we embrace it for its familiarity. But alas, time has changed many things. Sweetness doesn't carry much gravity like it used to in the older days.
"I choose you because I want to meet someone human."
Gullibility, a flaw I readily admit I possess. It was my leaning towards gallantry that made him snap the bait. I knew what he needed - like most boys were in that place. He found a companion in me, and lucky for us both, we learned of our shared values which I am looking in a new partner.
The amazing discoveries urged me to do a full throttle: I will step my best foot forward. Had he never told me that he was a family man, an abused partner in his previous lifetime and a stick-to-one lover in a relationship, I would not allow myself to be drawn too close. Maybe I was merely battle-weary from strangling my cyberdemons to welcome his organic presence with open arms. I took care of him that night. I held his body against mine when he was close to wobbling at the middle of the road, thanks to alcohol; rubbed his back with cloth when it was damp with sweat; and lent my shoulders for his heavy head to lean on. I never saw him as a complete stranger for I felt our connection.
And so strong it was, I pressed myself too much just to become part of his life.
Maybe it was his closest friends' prodding that we should become lovers; maybe it was his after-sex sweetness; or maybe it was my grand vision of becoming a devoted partner that gave this illusion of a future between us. My views about relationship has become so erratic that it sometimes leaves me cold, and sometime leaves me with a burning desire to embrace another. The intensity of our moment shattered all inhibitions that I thought with all honesty, that there was a chance; that the path was already laid ahead.
When in truth, I might have been just a booty call; a gas station for lonely guys needing a boost of affection.
Day ends and I felt like being suspended halfway between heaven and hell. I was waiting for him to reply to the sweet text messages I sent. Sleeplessness; a body and a mind battered with so many fears and creeping doubts had left me catatonic on my way home.
Still, love may find its way after the deception. These gloomy thoughts, may just be a vent from all those years of discrediting the magic of a romantic union after all. For whatever it's worth, the premature ejaculation of emotions severed the ties binding me to my frisky leanings.
My absence from all hook-up grounds will remain in place. I have shamed myself in Malate twice and there is no reason now to go back for sometime. The raunchy consummation had left me no longer seeking intimacy for quite some time. I've been used up or filled, depending on one's perspective. If and ever my belief about booty calls, full-swig sweetness and bar scenes will only lead to further heartaches then maybe there is no use searching in those places.
Or maybe I should simply accept the truth which tells of too much giving losing its value after being rubbed over one person again and again.
No wonder for the first time, I didn't give a name to someone who almost, had me, giving up my fort.
"I choose you because I want to meet someone human."
Gullibility, a flaw I readily admit I possess. It was my leaning towards gallantry that made him snap the bait. I knew what he needed - like most boys were in that place. He found a companion in me, and lucky for us both, we learned of our shared values which I am looking in a new partner.
The amazing discoveries urged me to do a full throttle: I will step my best foot forward. Had he never told me that he was a family man, an abused partner in his previous lifetime and a stick-to-one lover in a relationship, I would not allow myself to be drawn too close. Maybe I was merely battle-weary from strangling my cyberdemons to welcome his organic presence with open arms. I took care of him that night. I held his body against mine when he was close to wobbling at the middle of the road, thanks to alcohol; rubbed his back with cloth when it was damp with sweat; and lent my shoulders for his heavy head to lean on. I never saw him as a complete stranger for I felt our connection.
And so strong it was, I pressed myself too much just to become part of his life.
Maybe it was his closest friends' prodding that we should become lovers; maybe it was his after-sex sweetness; or maybe it was my grand vision of becoming a devoted partner that gave this illusion of a future between us. My views about relationship has become so erratic that it sometimes leaves me cold, and sometime leaves me with a burning desire to embrace another. The intensity of our moment shattered all inhibitions that I thought with all honesty, that there was a chance; that the path was already laid ahead.
When in truth, I might have been just a booty call; a gas station for lonely guys needing a boost of affection.
Day ends and I felt like being suspended halfway between heaven and hell. I was waiting for him to reply to the sweet text messages I sent. Sleeplessness; a body and a mind battered with so many fears and creeping doubts had left me catatonic on my way home.
Still, love may find its way after the deception. These gloomy thoughts, may just be a vent from all those years of discrediting the magic of a romantic union after all. For whatever it's worth, the premature ejaculation of emotions severed the ties binding me to my frisky leanings.
My absence from all hook-up grounds will remain in place. I have shamed myself in Malate twice and there is no reason now to go back for sometime. The raunchy consummation had left me no longer seeking intimacy for quite some time. I've been used up or filled, depending on one's perspective. If and ever my belief about booty calls, full-swig sweetness and bar scenes will only lead to further heartaches then maybe there is no use searching in those places.
Or maybe I should simply accept the truth which tells of too much giving losing its value after being rubbed over one person again and again.
No wonder for the first time, I didn't give a name to someone who almost, had me, giving up my fort.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Monthsary | Shuriken Pact
Hangga't hindi ko nahihigitan ang ganitong pagpapaubaya ng sarili, alam kong hindi pa ako handa.
Pormal kong isinasara muli ang pintuan ng aking puso.
---
It was past eleven in the evening.
I was in Greenbelt meeting the best friend of an online friend who came to visit the city. It was a pleasant meeting set on a chilly night. We had no plans really, except to talk about our common friend who should have been there with him had it not for his busy work in the fields.
What my eyeball didn't know was that I had urgent reasons to show up. It wasn't just about seeing him. We could set another time together with his best friend for a better planned eye-ball. In truth, our meet-up was a vigil. It was like hitting two birds with one stone. His, was for pleasant introductions, the other was in case I would be needed to the rescue.
The person to be secured is with his colleagues binging on hard liquor somewhere in Manila.
I remember leaving a twitter note before the end of my shift telling that I should stay out in case my presence is needed. Intuition runs parallel to a new-found attachment and emotions have to be considered in every decision I make. My situation was comparable to an admiral commanding his entire armada to patrol a narrow strait. Should a distress call be sent, redundancy ensures a swift response.
A few minutes before midnight, I received a text message.
"SOS na pare..."
He gave me the address and the landmark of the place where he was staying. Since it was near my school, it was easy to plot the course that would take me there. It doesn't matter how much I would have to give up just to be there.
The essence is to never let him wait.
"20 minutes dude, pahinga ka lang."
The cab driver must have thought I'm insane when my instructions were to step on the gas and never on the breaks. If the cab had wings, we would have vanquished the skies that midnight. Traffic was hell along Nagtahan because of the lifting of the truck ban. We could squeeze our way between mammoth-sized 18-wheelers but I had a better idea.
I found him slumped in one of the chairs when I showed up at the door 10 minutes earlier than my expected time of arrival. It was the empty side streets of Santa Ana, whose narrow passageways which revealed the quickest path to the river crossing. He introduced me as his housemate who was tasked to bring him home. Overjoyed by his colleagues' recognition, I even took his last three shots of Brandy to spare him from further misery of the alcohol constantly swirling inside his head.
---
Ibang klase talaga ang Diwata - Dukesa love affair. Hehehe. Magkasama sila ngayon sa Masbate. Sinundan ni Dukesa ang Diwata sa Masbate kung saan naka-assign ngayon and Diwata sa work.
It really must be true love! Lalakbayin ang kapatagan, aakyatin ang bundok at tatawirin ang dagat, makapiling lang ang isa't isa.
- Pinuno, Text Message
Lumabas tayo nung place mo para kumain... medyo malayo yung linakad natin at gutom na ako nun pero ok lang. Kasama naman kita. Pagkatapos natin kumain at magkuwentuhan naisipan nating mamasyal pero dahil wala ka pa masyadong tulog (at wala pa din ako masyadong tulog) naisipan mong umuwi na lang. Sabi ko, ok lang - basta kasama naman kita.
- Lukayo, Liham Para Sa Aking Asawa
Pormal kong isinasara muli ang pintuan ng aking puso.
---
It was past eleven in the evening.
I was in Greenbelt meeting the best friend of an online friend who came to visit the city. It was a pleasant meeting set on a chilly night. We had no plans really, except to talk about our common friend who should have been there with him had it not for his busy work in the fields.
What my eyeball didn't know was that I had urgent reasons to show up. It wasn't just about seeing him. We could set another time together with his best friend for a better planned eye-ball. In truth, our meet-up was a vigil. It was like hitting two birds with one stone. His, was for pleasant introductions, the other was in case I would be needed to the rescue.
The person to be secured is with his colleagues binging on hard liquor somewhere in Manila.
I remember leaving a twitter note before the end of my shift telling that I should stay out in case my presence is needed. Intuition runs parallel to a new-found attachment and emotions have to be considered in every decision I make. My situation was comparable to an admiral commanding his entire armada to patrol a narrow strait. Should a distress call be sent, redundancy ensures a swift response.
A few minutes before midnight, I received a text message.
"SOS na pare..."
He gave me the address and the landmark of the place where he was staying. Since it was near my school, it was easy to plot the course that would take me there. It doesn't matter how much I would have to give up just to be there.
The essence is to never let him wait.
"20 minutes dude, pahinga ka lang."
The cab driver must have thought I'm insane when my instructions were to step on the gas and never on the breaks. If the cab had wings, we would have vanquished the skies that midnight. Traffic was hell along Nagtahan because of the lifting of the truck ban. We could squeeze our way between mammoth-sized 18-wheelers but I had a better idea.
I found him slumped in one of the chairs when I showed up at the door 10 minutes earlier than my expected time of arrival. It was the empty side streets of Santa Ana, whose narrow passageways which revealed the quickest path to the river crossing. He introduced me as his housemate who was tasked to bring him home. Overjoyed by his colleagues' recognition, I even took his last three shots of Brandy to spare him from further misery of the alcohol constantly swirling inside his head.
---
Ibang klase talaga ang Diwata - Dukesa love affair. Hehehe. Magkasama sila ngayon sa Masbate. Sinundan ni Dukesa ang Diwata sa Masbate kung saan naka-assign ngayon and Diwata sa work.
It really must be true love! Lalakbayin ang kapatagan, aakyatin ang bundok at tatawirin ang dagat, makapiling lang ang isa't isa.
- Pinuno, Text Message
Lumabas tayo nung place mo para kumain... medyo malayo yung linakad natin at gutom na ako nun pero ok lang. Kasama naman kita. Pagkatapos natin kumain at magkuwentuhan naisipan nating mamasyal pero dahil wala ka pa masyadong tulog (at wala pa din ako masyadong tulog) naisipan mong umuwi na lang. Sabi ko, ok lang - basta kasama naman kita.
- Lukayo, Liham Para Sa Aking Asawa
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Dream Journals Seventeen
If there is really a thing called fate, mine is to begin relationships with a one night stand. I cannot help it, the only way I'd openly express my emotions is when I become intimate with the person I like. It was never my habit to speak my feelings, and I guess I would never have the balls to say it straight. A dream had given me an insight as to what would happen if I change my ways.
---
4:49 AM
Vignette composed using a Mobile Phone;
A few minutes after I was stirred from sleep
I had a dream this morning. In that dream I had a girl crush. I remember her about to perform an impromptu Aria for a selected audience. Being under her spell, I did my best to help her prepare. I always bought this big book of songs she can choose from for her performance. What I got in return for all the effort I poured was an attitude. In a fit of rage, I confronted her as to why she had to push me away. I asked why put up a sour mood after all that I've done. Sharp, hurtful words flew and she received the brunt of my anger.
Then I realized later while waiting for her to perform that it doesn't have to end that way...
-end of dream-
---
The dream had catapulted me back to a time when courtships had me suffer a string of heartaches which I never fully recovered.
---
4:49 AM
Vignette composed using a Mobile Phone;
A few minutes after I was stirred from sleep
I had a dream this morning. In that dream I had a girl crush. I remember her about to perform an impromptu Aria for a selected audience. Being under her spell, I did my best to help her prepare. I always bought this big book of songs she can choose from for her performance. What I got in return for all the effort I poured was an attitude. In a fit of rage, I confronted her as to why she had to push me away. I asked why put up a sour mood after all that I've done. Sharp, hurtful words flew and she received the brunt of my anger.
Then I realized later while waiting for her to perform that it doesn't have to end that way...
-end of dream-
---
The dream had catapulted me back to a time when courtships had me suffer a string of heartaches which I never fully recovered.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Ghost In The Shell
In Ghost in the Shell, the word ghost is colloquial slang for an individual's consciousness. In the manga's futuristic society, science has redefined the ghost as the thing that differentiates a human being from a biological robot. Regardless of how much biological material is replaced with electronic or mechanical substitutes, as long as individuals retain their ghost, they retain their humanity and individuality.
Ghost in the Shell (Philosophy)
Wikipedia
---
Alas-diyes ngayong gabi.
Nag-ring ang telepono habang ako ay nagsisipilyo sa banyo. Simula noong Oktubre ay naging patakaran na hindi ako maaring sumagot ng phone. Gayun din, mahigpit na ipinagbabawal kanino man ang sabihin sa tumatawag - kahit kanino - na ako'y naroon sa bahay.
Ako ay isang multo sa aking sariling teritoryo.
Sinagot ng kasambahay ang telepono. Noong una'y ayaw magpakilala ng tumatawag. Nang maglaon ay nabosesan ng tumatawag ang nakasagot. Na-assure ang caller na neutral ang nasa kabilang linya. Ito ay nagpakilala.
Si Phanks.
Sa tuwing nangyayari ang mga pagtawag o kaya nama'y pagcontact na katulad nito, unang apektado ang mood ko. Nakakaramdam ako ng takot, pagkalungkot, at pagkaawa sa kanya. Ito ay mga pakiramdam na anumang pilit kong intindihin ay hindi ko lubusang maunawaan. Sa aking desperasyong makapagtago - gaya noong minsang humingi siya ng pahintulot sa katulong upang mag-overnight sa bahay - ay napilitan akong tumambay sa Malate makasiguro lang na ituloy man niya ang kanyang balak ay hindi kami magtatagpo.
Saksi si Mama sa nangyari kanina at by now, malinaw na sa kanya ang aming naging fall-out. Noong sumilip nga ako sa sala kung saan siya naroon, ang kanyang hintuturo ay nakadikit sa kanyang labi. Nais niyang ipaabot na ako'y manahimik sapagkat ang aking tinataguan ay nasa kabilang linya lang.
Kung may idea man siya sa aming naging relasyon ay marahil ikinatuwa niya ang aming paghihiwalay. Hindi ko man ipaalam sa kanya ang mga detalye, subalit ang iwasan ang lalaking linggo-linggo mong pinapatuloy sa iyong kwarto ay isang malinaw na indikasyon na may di-magandang nangyari sa inyong dalawa.
Pilitin ko man ikubli, ngunit malinaw ang dahilan kung bakit napapadalas ang kanyang pagpaparamdam. Ilang araw mula ngayon ay sasapit na ang aking kaarawan. Siguro, sa kanyang tingin ay isang magandang pagkakataon kung naroon siya upang ipagdiwang ang araw ng aking kapanganakan.
Ang hindi niya alam ay ilang gabi ko nang pinaghahandaan kung paano magtatago sa araw na iyon.
Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit higit na wala akong balak maghanda sa taong ito.
Marahil ay tama si G. Gaya ko ay hindi siya maka-move on sapagkat wala kaming closure. Ang mga bagay na naging dahilan ng aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ko malinaw na nalahad sa kanya. Ang kanyang pagsusumamo, at paghingi ng tawad at isa pang pagkakataon ay hindi na nakarating sa aking tenga. Paano kasi ay pinutol ko ang lahat ng aming ugnayan isang araw matapos akong bumitaw.
Ngunit sa totoo ay nahihirapan na ako.
Subukin ko man makipag-usap at bigyang tuldok ang aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ako handa. Tiyak na mauuwi ang aming usapan sa walang katapusang pang-hohostage ng aking kalooban. Naroong siya ay magmamakaawa, magbabanta, mananakot at gagamit ng kung anu-ano pang mga paraan para makipagbalikan na gugulo lamang sa aking kapayapaan.
Desperado na akong makawala at makapagsimulang muli.
Subalit ngayong nararamdaman ko ang yabag ng kanyang mga paa sa sahig,
at naririnig ko ang kaluskos ng kanyang mga kamay sa aking dingding,
ako etong parang hinahabol ng multo. Matagal pa ang umaga subalit paubos na ang mga lugar na aking mapag-kukublihan.
---
He asked whether my birthday will fall on the 24th or on the ____ . The maid only gave a vague reply. Come to think of it, I know when his birthday is in a snap of a finger. The last time he celebrated it, I left my station earlier just to buy him a cake and deliver it all the way to his house in Camanava.
Despite the massive cracks that has already formed between us.
I always believe that separation will let you hold on to the things you cherish about the past, for it will never happen again. Now, I wonder if in those five years, he did really know. Or he just showed up whenever I invited him to stay over on the eve of my birth.
It makes you think...
and makes you more heartbroken.
Ghost in the Shell (Philosophy)
Wikipedia
---
Alas-diyes ngayong gabi.
Nag-ring ang telepono habang ako ay nagsisipilyo sa banyo. Simula noong Oktubre ay naging patakaran na hindi ako maaring sumagot ng phone. Gayun din, mahigpit na ipinagbabawal kanino man ang sabihin sa tumatawag - kahit kanino - na ako'y naroon sa bahay.
Ako ay isang multo sa aking sariling teritoryo.
Sinagot ng kasambahay ang telepono. Noong una'y ayaw magpakilala ng tumatawag. Nang maglaon ay nabosesan ng tumatawag ang nakasagot. Na-assure ang caller na neutral ang nasa kabilang linya. Ito ay nagpakilala.
Si Phanks.
Sa tuwing nangyayari ang mga pagtawag o kaya nama'y pagcontact na katulad nito, unang apektado ang mood ko. Nakakaramdam ako ng takot, pagkalungkot, at pagkaawa sa kanya. Ito ay mga pakiramdam na anumang pilit kong intindihin ay hindi ko lubusang maunawaan. Sa aking desperasyong makapagtago - gaya noong minsang humingi siya ng pahintulot sa katulong upang mag-overnight sa bahay - ay napilitan akong tumambay sa Malate makasiguro lang na ituloy man niya ang kanyang balak ay hindi kami magtatagpo.
Saksi si Mama sa nangyari kanina at by now, malinaw na sa kanya ang aming naging fall-out. Noong sumilip nga ako sa sala kung saan siya naroon, ang kanyang hintuturo ay nakadikit sa kanyang labi. Nais niyang ipaabot na ako'y manahimik sapagkat ang aking tinataguan ay nasa kabilang linya lang.
Kung may idea man siya sa aming naging relasyon ay marahil ikinatuwa niya ang aming paghihiwalay. Hindi ko man ipaalam sa kanya ang mga detalye, subalit ang iwasan ang lalaking linggo-linggo mong pinapatuloy sa iyong kwarto ay isang malinaw na indikasyon na may di-magandang nangyari sa inyong dalawa.
Pilitin ko man ikubli, ngunit malinaw ang dahilan kung bakit napapadalas ang kanyang pagpaparamdam. Ilang araw mula ngayon ay sasapit na ang aking kaarawan. Siguro, sa kanyang tingin ay isang magandang pagkakataon kung naroon siya upang ipagdiwang ang araw ng aking kapanganakan.
Ang hindi niya alam ay ilang gabi ko nang pinaghahandaan kung paano magtatago sa araw na iyon.
Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit higit na wala akong balak maghanda sa taong ito.
Marahil ay tama si G. Gaya ko ay hindi siya maka-move on sapagkat wala kaming closure. Ang mga bagay na naging dahilan ng aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ko malinaw na nalahad sa kanya. Ang kanyang pagsusumamo, at paghingi ng tawad at isa pang pagkakataon ay hindi na nakarating sa aking tenga. Paano kasi ay pinutol ko ang lahat ng aming ugnayan isang araw matapos akong bumitaw.
Ngunit sa totoo ay nahihirapan na ako.
Subukin ko man makipag-usap at bigyang tuldok ang aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ako handa. Tiyak na mauuwi ang aming usapan sa walang katapusang pang-hohostage ng aking kalooban. Naroong siya ay magmamakaawa, magbabanta, mananakot at gagamit ng kung anu-ano pang mga paraan para makipagbalikan na gugulo lamang sa aking kapayapaan.
Desperado na akong makawala at makapagsimulang muli.
Subalit ngayong nararamdaman ko ang yabag ng kanyang mga paa sa sahig,
at naririnig ko ang kaluskos ng kanyang mga kamay sa aking dingding,
ako etong parang hinahabol ng multo. Matagal pa ang umaga subalit paubos na ang mga lugar na aking mapag-kukublihan.
---
He asked whether my birthday will fall on the 24th or on the ____ . The maid only gave a vague reply. Come to think of it, I know when his birthday is in a snap of a finger. The last time he celebrated it, I left my station earlier just to buy him a cake and deliver it all the way to his house in Camanava.
Despite the massive cracks that has already formed between us.
I always believe that separation will let you hold on to the things you cherish about the past, for it will never happen again. Now, I wonder if in those five years, he did really know. Or he just showed up whenever I invited him to stay over on the eve of my birth.
It makes you think...
and makes you more heartbroken.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Monthsary | The Long Sleep
I have a friend and his name is Pablo. We have known each other since my G4M days and he is one of the few selected people I still keep after leaving that website for good. Though our first meet-up was somewhat strained, we have eventually rebuilt our relationship to the point that we became close friends early last year. We only met twice but what keeps our bond strong is our constant text communication. Last month, he played an important role in my life by being a source of possible love affairs that I might entertain should I change my mind and open up.
And so there he was referring me to guys he met before. He would sometimes send a text message telling me how hot this guy is and then proceed to ask if I would want to meet this person as well. Knowing that the guy might have been a pasa-load (don't ask me what this means, I tell you the term is not pleasant) I would decline his offer. However one afternoon, he caught me off guard. I was restless and when he referred me to his friend who was also looking for a potential date, I grabbed Pablo's offer and engaged his referral right away.
Let us call this guy Peregrinus. If you are wondering how I came up with such code name, let's say it is his real name. Apparently, Pablo was so thrilled to play a matchmaker role that he gave away my Friendster to this new guy. I saw him checking my profile, which I locked recently after the breakup. However, Peregrinus' profile wasn't locked so I had a field day stalking him until I was satisfied with what I learned from his Friendster.
Peregrinus fit my standards. He was older, somewhat masculine, dark skinned, stocky and had a smile which charmed me. He included photos of his good-looking exes on his profile, which somehow put me on guard. I cannot compete with them. I was set to ignore my referral after having a tour of his profile. Unfortunately the call of boredom was so strong that I decided to text him anyway.
A day later, he replied to my second attempt to reach out. Our text affair started shortly after.
My new text mate was quite engaging. He caught my attention because of his sensibility and his apparent desire to change his old habits. You see, he was thrice experienced as I was and his bedside manners, which he proudly boasted during our chats were quite a challenge to match. He seemed to keep a naughty side that I was drawn to and despite our indirect flirting to each other, we ended up being close.
He was in the process of rehabilitation. Instead of seeking short-term affairs, Peregrinus was bent on getting serious with someone who can offer him a stable relationship. The tone of my voice - being formal and sensible - gave an impression that I was serious. He responded with much enthusiasm to my sweetness that he began calling me Sunshine a week after our engagement started.
Despite our interesting and provocative message exchanges, it was never my intention to meet him. Something tells me that I was not ready and I might just bore him when we decide to see face to face. One evening I decided to call him so we can hear each other's voice. It lead to a night-long phone conversation where I got to know him beyond the things he said in SMS. What I learned however lead to a wane in interest. Our differences were significant that it would be impossible to see each other eye to eye. The contrast in traits did not stop him from seeking me further. As his feelings strengthened, mine slowly faded away. The growing rift was subtle at the beginning, until Mister Throatie intervened and widened the gap that would set the two of us permanently apart.
---
The week-long bout with sickness cut my connection to everyone including Peregrinus. Though he made some huge efforts to keep our ties open, I was already slipping away. I cannot keep him as a friend knowing that our objective was to appraise each other for a possible relationship. Lines were never crossed unlike with Tannis, but beneath the conversations lie undeniable romantic undertones that began to strain our friendship. I would like to tell Pablo what was happening, but knowing that he just achieved an all-time high with his budding relationship, I felt that I had to deal Peregrinus the way I dealt with others before.
A week before December arrived, I stopped responding to his text messages. I just had to pull the plug knowing that his feelings were getting stronger, while mine had become non-existent. It was a harsh choice that I need to do, for I know that we will never get anywhere. I would just disappoint him in the end.
Looking at how things are going, it seems like I am still applying my disengagement policy which I followed when I was still taken. It was meant to keep myself from getting attached whenever I cross the lines with someone. This time, the policy was meant to keep myself from being romantically involved with people I cannot love. As the trend goes, the more I am getting used to being single, the more elusive I become.
Still, the memory of Phanks remains a wound that seem to be getting worse as time passes. I think of him almost all the time. His thoughts drown me when I was burning with fever and chilling under the sheets. I remember his nakedness whenever the urge to impale someone assaults my senses and I dread his presence whenever he invades my sleep. By now it is clear that what remains are the painful recollections. Much as I would like to move on and start all over again, remembering him and what we have become puts all my desire to explore a new life with someone at the edge of my aspirations.
As I contemplate the events that happened in the month of Chrysanthemum - the flirtatious advances I did to a stranger inside an FX going to Megamall only to dump him the moment we arrived at our destination; the month-long absence in the dance clubs of Malate; the cyber-pact of celibacy with Odin; the no ordinary morning with the Soulkeeper and the disappointing ending with Peregrinus, I am in for a very long sleep.
The Citadel was able to provide solace behind its thick walls, but now that nothing seems to sustain my interest anymore, it is best to completely suspend my longings for affection and embrace the coldness that permeate deep inside my aching chest. Perhaps, in my slumber, I will find the means to heal my brokenness.
And maybe, after hearing songs and lullabies about love in my dreams, waking up will be a breeze and starting all over again will be like a pleasant stroll in the fields.
And so there he was referring me to guys he met before. He would sometimes send a text message telling me how hot this guy is and then proceed to ask if I would want to meet this person as well. Knowing that the guy might have been a pasa-load (don't ask me what this means, I tell you the term is not pleasant) I would decline his offer. However one afternoon, he caught me off guard. I was restless and when he referred me to his friend who was also looking for a potential date, I grabbed Pablo's offer and engaged his referral right away.
Let us call this guy Peregrinus. If you are wondering how I came up with such code name, let's say it is his real name. Apparently, Pablo was so thrilled to play a matchmaker role that he gave away my Friendster to this new guy. I saw him checking my profile, which I locked recently after the breakup. However, Peregrinus' profile wasn't locked so I had a field day stalking him until I was satisfied with what I learned from his Friendster.
Peregrinus fit my standards. He was older, somewhat masculine, dark skinned, stocky and had a smile which charmed me. He included photos of his good-looking exes on his profile, which somehow put me on guard. I cannot compete with them. I was set to ignore my referral after having a tour of his profile. Unfortunately the call of boredom was so strong that I decided to text him anyway.
A day later, he replied to my second attempt to reach out. Our text affair started shortly after.
My new text mate was quite engaging. He caught my attention because of his sensibility and his apparent desire to change his old habits. You see, he was thrice experienced as I was and his bedside manners, which he proudly boasted during our chats were quite a challenge to match. He seemed to keep a naughty side that I was drawn to and despite our indirect flirting to each other, we ended up being close.
He was in the process of rehabilitation. Instead of seeking short-term affairs, Peregrinus was bent on getting serious with someone who can offer him a stable relationship. The tone of my voice - being formal and sensible - gave an impression that I was serious. He responded with much enthusiasm to my sweetness that he began calling me Sunshine a week after our engagement started.
Despite our interesting and provocative message exchanges, it was never my intention to meet him. Something tells me that I was not ready and I might just bore him when we decide to see face to face. One evening I decided to call him so we can hear each other's voice. It lead to a night-long phone conversation where I got to know him beyond the things he said in SMS. What I learned however lead to a wane in interest. Our differences were significant that it would be impossible to see each other eye to eye. The contrast in traits did not stop him from seeking me further. As his feelings strengthened, mine slowly faded away. The growing rift was subtle at the beginning, until Mister Throatie intervened and widened the gap that would set the two of us permanently apart.
---
The week-long bout with sickness cut my connection to everyone including Peregrinus. Though he made some huge efforts to keep our ties open, I was already slipping away. I cannot keep him as a friend knowing that our objective was to appraise each other for a possible relationship. Lines were never crossed unlike with Tannis, but beneath the conversations lie undeniable romantic undertones that began to strain our friendship. I would like to tell Pablo what was happening, but knowing that he just achieved an all-time high with his budding relationship, I felt that I had to deal Peregrinus the way I dealt with others before.
A week before December arrived, I stopped responding to his text messages. I just had to pull the plug knowing that his feelings were getting stronger, while mine had become non-existent. It was a harsh choice that I need to do, for I know that we will never get anywhere. I would just disappoint him in the end.
Looking at how things are going, it seems like I am still applying my disengagement policy which I followed when I was still taken. It was meant to keep myself from getting attached whenever I cross the lines with someone. This time, the policy was meant to keep myself from being romantically involved with people I cannot love. As the trend goes, the more I am getting used to being single, the more elusive I become.
Still, the memory of Phanks remains a wound that seem to be getting worse as time passes. I think of him almost all the time. His thoughts drown me when I was burning with fever and chilling under the sheets. I remember his nakedness whenever the urge to impale someone assaults my senses and I dread his presence whenever he invades my sleep. By now it is clear that what remains are the painful recollections. Much as I would like to move on and start all over again, remembering him and what we have become puts all my desire to explore a new life with someone at the edge of my aspirations.
As I contemplate the events that happened in the month of Chrysanthemum - the flirtatious advances I did to a stranger inside an FX going to Megamall only to dump him the moment we arrived at our destination; the month-long absence in the dance clubs of Malate; the cyber-pact of celibacy with Odin; the no ordinary morning with the Soulkeeper and the disappointing ending with Peregrinus, I am in for a very long sleep.
The Citadel was able to provide solace behind its thick walls, but now that nothing seems to sustain my interest anymore, it is best to completely suspend my longings for affection and embrace the coldness that permeate deep inside my aching chest. Perhaps, in my slumber, I will find the means to heal my brokenness.
And maybe, after hearing songs and lullabies about love in my dreams, waking up will be a breeze and starting all over again will be like a pleasant stroll in the fields.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Before We Close The Gates
And lately it seems we've been chasing
what time's resolved.
Or maybe something means nothing
Here after all.
- Collective Soul, After All
---
Minsan sa isang inuman ay natanong ako ng isang kaibigan kung marunong pa daw ako magmahal. Ikinagulat ko ang kanyang tanong sapagkat ito ay nakakagago. Hindi ko rin naman siya masisi, doon kasi sa tagayang iyon ko inamin sa kanya kung gaano ka miserable ang buhay relasyon ko noon.
Ngayong nagbabalik-tanaw ako sa mga kaganapan noong inumang iyon, nagsisisi ako sapagkat sana'y nasabi ko sa aking kaibigan ang aking hiling na makaramdam kung paano tunay na mahalin. Sa loob kasi ng maraming taon ay tila ba lahat ng pagmamahal na binigay ng aking kabiyak ay may kundisyon. Naroon na ituring niya akong ATM sa tuwing nagkukulang ang kanyang sweldo o kaya nama'y gawing computer shop ang aking kwarto sa tuwing siya'y may assignment sa school. Ayoko na sanang maalala ang mga ito, subalit ngayong ako ay nasa proseso ng pagsasara ng puso, hindi ko maiwasang magmuni-muni kung paano ba totoong makaramdam.
Sa mahabang panahon, ang tawag ng laman ang siyang nagdikta ng pagpasok ko sa isang relasyon. Hindi ko na inisip ang pag-iisang dibdib ng mga diwa o kahit na ang pagkakaroon ng similarity sa mga bagay-bagay. Noon, basta alam kong may naramdaman ako sa isang tao ay handa ko nang suungin ang relasyon. Ang resulta, pagkabigo sa pag-ibig dahil sa hindi pagkakasundo sa prinsipyo at paninindigan.
Nakakapanghinayang.
Malinaw sa akin na marami na akong pagkakataong sinayang. Patapos na rin ako sa pamamasyal sa pamilihan sapagkat nararamdaman ko na ang bigat ng edad sa aking mga prioridad. Nararamdaman ko na aabutin ng mahabang panahon ang paghihilom ng mga sugat na iniwan ng aking nakaraan kaya't kinakailangan kong ipinid ang pintuan ng pag-ibig. Hindi pa ako handang harapin ang bagay na ito.
Subalit sa aking pansamantalang pamamahinga, nararapat na mag-iwan ako ng mga bakas upang sa aking pagbabalik ay alam ko kung sino ang aking hahanapin. Takot man akong maglayag sa karagatan muli, subalit ang tawag ng damdamin ay hindi ko maaring ipagwalang-bahala ng matagal. Ang puso ay kusang tumitibok pilitin man natin itong itago sa ating sarili at kapag ito'y nangyari muli sa akin, tanging ang mga bakas na aking iniwan ang siyang magiging gabay kung ako ba ay magmamahal o muling magtatago.
Heto ang ilan sa mga aking mahigpit na pagbabatayan sa muling pagkakataong ako'y iibig muli:
1. Pipili ako ng ka-partner na mas maangas sa akin. Hangad ko ang laging nahahamon ang aking pagkalalaki. Likas rin sa akin ang pagiging pakawala at mahirap makontrol. Hindi ko alam kung mapapasunod ako ng isang taong kilos malamya. Nangangamba rin ako na maaring hindi ko seryosohin ang isang effeminate. Upang maiwasan magkasakitan ng damdamin, serseryoso lang ako ng taong makakagabay sa akin.
2. Sanay na akong tumayong mag-isa. Hindi man ako independent sa maraming bagay, subalit masyadong mataas ang pride ko upang umasa sa iba. Kung hahanap ako ng isang kapartner, pipiliin ko na ang isang maabilidad at marunong mag-control sa mga nangyayari sa kanyang paligid. Limang taon kong nahasa ang pagiging ma-diskarte sa mga problema salamat sa aking ex na laging umaasa sa akin ng mga solusyon. Na-spoon feed ko man siya, subalit ang kapalit noon ay ang pagkakaroon ng initiative upang makita ang mga sitwasyon bago pa man ito maganap.
3. Hahanap ako ng kapartner na malapit sa kanyang pamilya. For a change, pangarap ko naman mapakilala sa pamilya ng aking boyfriend kahit na ako'y isang matalik na kaibigan lang sa kanilang paningin. Ganito rin ang nais kong mangyari sa aking pamilya. Lubos kong bibigyang paggalang ang aking kapartner sakaling tanggap niya ang pagiging mama's boy. Ang batas ng nanay kasi ang siyang umiiral sa aming pamamahay at kung maipapakilala ko siya sa aking nanay bilang isang lalaking malapit sa kanyang ina, hindi malayong ang aking tahanan ay maging kanya rin.
4. Pipili ako ng kapartner na low maintenance. Matagal ko nang tinalikuran ang materyal na pangkasiyahan at nadala na ako sa relasyong ang nagpapaikot ay pera. Kilala ang mga PLU sa pagiging vain at metrosexual. Hindi ko makakaila na sa maraming panahon ay ganito rin ako. Subalit, anumang trappings ng vanity meron sa akin, ang pagiging koboy, rugged at fit ang siyang mga traits na hahanapin ko sa aking magiging kahati.
5. Masyado mang mababaw ngunit pagdating sa common interests, maghahanap ako ng buddy na mahilig sa kasaysayan, anime, science fiction at alternative music. Ngayon ko lang aaminin na kapag ako ay in-love o kaya naman ay nasa mood mangromansa, ang maririnig mong tugtog sa aking player ay mga kanta ni Shawn Mullins, Bic Runga, Five For Fighting, Dishwalla, Paula Cole, Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls at Ben Folds Five.
6. Ang pagsusulat ang natatanging kong sandata na maaring ipagmalaki (bukod pa sa isa) Higit kong ikatutuwa kung ang aking kapartner ay hindi lamang magaling makipaglaro sa kama kundi matindi rin makipagtagisan pagdating sa wika at sa pagsulat ng istorya - mapa-Ingles man ito o Filipino.
7. Nasambit ko minsan sa isang kausap na ang tatlong component na bumubuo sa aking pagkatao ay ang pagiging creative, esoteric at intellectual. Lubhang napakahirap hanapin nito sa isang tao. Sakaling ako man ay makakatagpo ng katapat, asahan mong ito'y hindi ko bibitawan.
8. Dalangin kong makatagpo ng isang kapartner na may pinaniniwalaan at nag-uumapaw ang kabutihan.
9. Pipili ako ng isang kapartner na mababaw ang kaligayahan. Siya yung tipo ng tao na makakahanap ng kasiyahan sa mahabang paglalakad o kaya nama'y pag-eexplore sa mga lugar lugar na hindi pa namin nakikita. Siya ang tipo na makikitaan mo ng ngiti o kaya nama'y pagkaaliwas ng mukha makakita lamang ng sikat ng araw o kaya nama'y paglubog nito. Siya yung tipo ng tao na nakakaramdam ng kalayaan sa tuwing tumitingin sa mga ulap, sa mga bituin o kaya nama'y sa bughaw na dagat. Siya yung tipong nakaka-appreciate sa mga "wide open spaces" o kaya nama'y sa matataas na lugar kung saan maraming matatanaw.
10. Higit sa lahat, hahanap ako ng kabiyak na aking makakausap sa tuwing ako ay nalulumbay. Yung kahit magdamag kayong magkasama ay hindi kayo mauubusan ng pagkwekwentuhan. Hahanap ako ng kabiyak na marunong maka-appreciate sa halaga ng isang yakap at kapayapaan sa katahimikan. Sa loob ng pitong taon ay hindi ko man lang naging kakwentuhan ang aking mga naging kapartner.
Sa dami ng aking batayan ay tila imposible ang makahanap ng katapat. Kung tutuusin ay wala naman akong maaring ipagmamalaki upang bumalangkas ng mga kundisyon na siyang magpapatibok ng aking puso. Ang masaklap pa dito, madalas ay nauuwi rin tayo sa mga taong hindi naman natin talaga hinahangad.
Sadyang bihira lang yata talaga pagtagpuin ng tadhana ang mga taong naghahanap sa isa't isa.
Sa kabila nito ay handa akong mag-intay gaano man katagal matagpuan lamang ang aking hinahanap. Handa kong ipagkait sa aking sarili ang tawag ng laman, ang pag-ibig na maaring ibigay ng iba, at ang distraction na aking matatanggap sa mga tagahangang irereto ng mga kaibigan o kaya naman ay makikilala sa sayawan.
Ito ang aking magiging sakripisyo.
what time's resolved.
Or maybe something means nothing
Here after all.
- Collective Soul, After All
---
Minsan sa isang inuman ay natanong ako ng isang kaibigan kung marunong pa daw ako magmahal. Ikinagulat ko ang kanyang tanong sapagkat ito ay nakakagago. Hindi ko rin naman siya masisi, doon kasi sa tagayang iyon ko inamin sa kanya kung gaano ka miserable ang buhay relasyon ko noon.
Ngayong nagbabalik-tanaw ako sa mga kaganapan noong inumang iyon, nagsisisi ako sapagkat sana'y nasabi ko sa aking kaibigan ang aking hiling na makaramdam kung paano tunay na mahalin. Sa loob kasi ng maraming taon ay tila ba lahat ng pagmamahal na binigay ng aking kabiyak ay may kundisyon. Naroon na ituring niya akong ATM sa tuwing nagkukulang ang kanyang sweldo o kaya nama'y gawing computer shop ang aking kwarto sa tuwing siya'y may assignment sa school. Ayoko na sanang maalala ang mga ito, subalit ngayong ako ay nasa proseso ng pagsasara ng puso, hindi ko maiwasang magmuni-muni kung paano ba totoong makaramdam.
Sa mahabang panahon, ang tawag ng laman ang siyang nagdikta ng pagpasok ko sa isang relasyon. Hindi ko na inisip ang pag-iisang dibdib ng mga diwa o kahit na ang pagkakaroon ng similarity sa mga bagay-bagay. Noon, basta alam kong may naramdaman ako sa isang tao ay handa ko nang suungin ang relasyon. Ang resulta, pagkabigo sa pag-ibig dahil sa hindi pagkakasundo sa prinsipyo at paninindigan.
Nakakapanghinayang.
Malinaw sa akin na marami na akong pagkakataong sinayang. Patapos na rin ako sa pamamasyal sa pamilihan sapagkat nararamdaman ko na ang bigat ng edad sa aking mga prioridad. Nararamdaman ko na aabutin ng mahabang panahon ang paghihilom ng mga sugat na iniwan ng aking nakaraan kaya't kinakailangan kong ipinid ang pintuan ng pag-ibig. Hindi pa ako handang harapin ang bagay na ito.
Subalit sa aking pansamantalang pamamahinga, nararapat na mag-iwan ako ng mga bakas upang sa aking pagbabalik ay alam ko kung sino ang aking hahanapin. Takot man akong maglayag sa karagatan muli, subalit ang tawag ng damdamin ay hindi ko maaring ipagwalang-bahala ng matagal. Ang puso ay kusang tumitibok pilitin man natin itong itago sa ating sarili at kapag ito'y nangyari muli sa akin, tanging ang mga bakas na aking iniwan ang siyang magiging gabay kung ako ba ay magmamahal o muling magtatago.
Heto ang ilan sa mga aking mahigpit na pagbabatayan sa muling pagkakataong ako'y iibig muli:
1. Pipili ako ng ka-partner na mas maangas sa akin. Hangad ko ang laging nahahamon ang aking pagkalalaki. Likas rin sa akin ang pagiging pakawala at mahirap makontrol. Hindi ko alam kung mapapasunod ako ng isang taong kilos malamya. Nangangamba rin ako na maaring hindi ko seryosohin ang isang effeminate. Upang maiwasan magkasakitan ng damdamin, serseryoso lang ako ng taong makakagabay sa akin.
2. Sanay na akong tumayong mag-isa. Hindi man ako independent sa maraming bagay, subalit masyadong mataas ang pride ko upang umasa sa iba. Kung hahanap ako ng isang kapartner, pipiliin ko na ang isang maabilidad at marunong mag-control sa mga nangyayari sa kanyang paligid. Limang taon kong nahasa ang pagiging ma-diskarte sa mga problema salamat sa aking ex na laging umaasa sa akin ng mga solusyon. Na-spoon feed ko man siya, subalit ang kapalit noon ay ang pagkakaroon ng initiative upang makita ang mga sitwasyon bago pa man ito maganap.
3. Hahanap ako ng kapartner na malapit sa kanyang pamilya. For a change, pangarap ko naman mapakilala sa pamilya ng aking boyfriend kahit na ako'y isang matalik na kaibigan lang sa kanilang paningin. Ganito rin ang nais kong mangyari sa aking pamilya. Lubos kong bibigyang paggalang ang aking kapartner sakaling tanggap niya ang pagiging mama's boy. Ang batas ng nanay kasi ang siyang umiiral sa aming pamamahay at kung maipapakilala ko siya sa aking nanay bilang isang lalaking malapit sa kanyang ina, hindi malayong ang aking tahanan ay maging kanya rin.
4. Pipili ako ng kapartner na low maintenance. Matagal ko nang tinalikuran ang materyal na pangkasiyahan at nadala na ako sa relasyong ang nagpapaikot ay pera. Kilala ang mga PLU sa pagiging vain at metrosexual. Hindi ko makakaila na sa maraming panahon ay ganito rin ako. Subalit, anumang trappings ng vanity meron sa akin, ang pagiging koboy, rugged at fit ang siyang mga traits na hahanapin ko sa aking magiging kahati.
5. Masyado mang mababaw ngunit pagdating sa common interests, maghahanap ako ng buddy na mahilig sa kasaysayan, anime, science fiction at alternative music. Ngayon ko lang aaminin na kapag ako ay in-love o kaya naman ay nasa mood mangromansa, ang maririnig mong tugtog sa aking player ay mga kanta ni Shawn Mullins, Bic Runga, Five For Fighting, Dishwalla, Paula Cole, Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls at Ben Folds Five.
6. Ang pagsusulat ang natatanging kong sandata na maaring ipagmalaki (bukod pa sa isa) Higit kong ikatutuwa kung ang aking kapartner ay hindi lamang magaling makipaglaro sa kama kundi matindi rin makipagtagisan pagdating sa wika at sa pagsulat ng istorya - mapa-Ingles man ito o Filipino.
7. Nasambit ko minsan sa isang kausap na ang tatlong component na bumubuo sa aking pagkatao ay ang pagiging creative, esoteric at intellectual. Lubhang napakahirap hanapin nito sa isang tao. Sakaling ako man ay makakatagpo ng katapat, asahan mong ito'y hindi ko bibitawan.
8. Dalangin kong makatagpo ng isang kapartner na may pinaniniwalaan at nag-uumapaw ang kabutihan.
9. Pipili ako ng isang kapartner na mababaw ang kaligayahan. Siya yung tipo ng tao na makakahanap ng kasiyahan sa mahabang paglalakad o kaya nama'y pag-eexplore sa mga lugar lugar na hindi pa namin nakikita. Siya ang tipo na makikitaan mo ng ngiti o kaya nama'y pagkaaliwas ng mukha makakita lamang ng sikat ng araw o kaya nama'y paglubog nito. Siya yung tipo ng tao na nakakaramdam ng kalayaan sa tuwing tumitingin sa mga ulap, sa mga bituin o kaya nama'y sa bughaw na dagat. Siya yung tipong nakaka-appreciate sa mga "wide open spaces" o kaya nama'y sa matataas na lugar kung saan maraming matatanaw.
10. Higit sa lahat, hahanap ako ng kabiyak na aking makakausap sa tuwing ako ay nalulumbay. Yung kahit magdamag kayong magkasama ay hindi kayo mauubusan ng pagkwekwentuhan. Hahanap ako ng kabiyak na marunong maka-appreciate sa halaga ng isang yakap at kapayapaan sa katahimikan. Sa loob ng pitong taon ay hindi ko man lang naging kakwentuhan ang aking mga naging kapartner.
Sa dami ng aking batayan ay tila imposible ang makahanap ng katapat. Kung tutuusin ay wala naman akong maaring ipagmamalaki upang bumalangkas ng mga kundisyon na siyang magpapatibok ng aking puso. Ang masaklap pa dito, madalas ay nauuwi rin tayo sa mga taong hindi naman natin talaga hinahangad.
Sadyang bihira lang yata talaga pagtagpuin ng tadhana ang mga taong naghahanap sa isa't isa.
Sa kabila nito ay handa akong mag-intay gaano man katagal matagpuan lamang ang aking hinahanap. Handa kong ipagkait sa aking sarili ang tawag ng laman, ang pag-ibig na maaring ibigay ng iba, at ang distraction na aking matatanggap sa mga tagahangang irereto ng mga kaibigan o kaya naman ay makikilala sa sayawan.
Ito ang aking magiging sakripisyo.
---
What I will never admit to my heart, no matter what truth presents is that the one who comes closest to the person I am searching; the one I would readily keep in my arms; the one I would do everything to take away his sadness and pain
is someone just a heartbeat away.
But we are bound to go separate ways. We are only meant to be friends.
Therefore, I have erected listening posts around my citadel in search of another. In my greatest fear however, I feel nobody else will come close. Absolute chemistry is simply hard to find.
The gates are now locked. The long sleep begins.
is someone just a heartbeat away.
But we are bound to go separate ways. We are only meant to be friends.
Therefore, I have erected listening posts around my citadel in search of another. In my greatest fear however, I feel nobody else will come close. Absolute chemistry is simply hard to find.
The gates are now locked. The long sleep begins.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Isang Aral Mula Sa Pinuno
Soft is the heart that is hinged and emotion kills any attempt of reason to mount a defense. Lust can always be misread as love and in the prayers of hope and in the slumber of dreams, we are being mislead from the truth that everything is just a temporal consignment. We wait like a warrior without armor, wishing that the lost soul approaching will turn out to be a comrade and not a bogey.
Sadly, allies don't appear all the time.
We learn, after the dust had settled to never trade lust for an assurance of attraction. Intimacy may never grow from a field sown by an orgasmic need. Human nature can hide its icy face behind the warmth of affection and as its coldness numbs the skin,
it leaves the body to shiver, and wither and finally succumb to its arctic sleep.
Sadly, allies don't appear all the time.
We learn, after the dust had settled to never trade lust for an assurance of attraction. Intimacy may never grow from a field sown by an orgasmic need. Human nature can hide its icy face behind the warmth of affection and as its coldness numbs the skin,
it leaves the body to shiver, and wither and finally succumb to its arctic sleep.
---
[20:23] centurion: nahuli ka na siya sa weakness mo
[20:23] centurion: i mean.. nahuli na niya ang weakness mo
[20:24] mugen: honga no..
[20:24] centurion: tingin mo ba.. hindi niya alam na may tama ka sa kanya?
[20:24] centurion: at habang meron.. sinasamantala niya..
[20:24] mugen: ganon ba yun?
[20:25] centurion: sa isip niya.. " sex object lang to para sakin." since may tama sakin to... at magaling ka SOP... pwede na to
[20:25] centurion: nasasatisfy mo lang sexual needs niya
[20:26] centurion: nagawa ko na yan joms...
[20:26] centurion: remember yung kwento ko sayo na na inlove sakin na taga las pinas?
[20:26] centurion: he satisfied my sexual needs.. naging fubu ko siya..
[20:26] centurion: kahit alam kong may emotion siya para sakin..
[20:27] mugen: if that is the case
[20:27] centurion: 5 times kaming nag sex
[20:27] mugen: i should then stop
[20:27] mugen: everything.
[20:27] centurion: much better
[20:27] centurion: ayain mo muna ng LIVE SEX... pag kumagad.. victorious ka.. then.. dump him
---
Two months, fifteen days and counting. I will give it up to the one who truly deserves me.
Unless Darkstar intervenes
or Mugen gets deceived.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Monthsary | Rebound (Last Part)
A citadel is a fortress for protecting a town or a city. They serve as the main defense of a garrison or a center of power from the inhabitants of the town where it is found In ancient Greece, the citadel placed on a commanding eminence, was important in the life of the people. It houses the main temple and the royal palace, and serves as a stronghold in times of enemy assault. In the Middle Ages, the citadel was the last defense of a besieged army. Often held after the town has been captured, it contains military and food supplies to last until reinforcements arrive.
A friend has this impression that I prefer placing walls instead of opening my gates to strangers. He was right, the moment I feel threatened - imaginary or not - I run towards my citadel anticipating an assault. I raise the alarm in panic and aim the cannons toward the approaching wanderer. No wonder, I have a nasty reputation for being distant during first meet-ups. The opposite happens when I lower my guard to let a comrade enter. It's either the citadel surrenders without firing a volley of cannonball or it hurls the stranger towards outer space by way of the catapult.
All in the defense of the heart.
Tannis was a casualty and on the third day after getting introduced, I knew he had no place in my heart. Tuesday evening, we were able to talk again in the Instant Messenger. This time, he was the one interested to know me better after he learned the strengths written on my Friendster profile. His assertiveness to get close triggered the alarm and as a defense, I started closing the gates to drive him away.
Despite the creeping coldness, I was still friendly and accommodating towards him. He was never aware but behind the warm facade, I was already seeking second opinion from trusted friends. Tannis was asking for a date and knowing where it might lead to, I was extremely careful not to cross the line this time.
"Let's have a date on Friday, looking forward to see you again men," was his parting reply.
One huge error that I committed was to give him a sense of control over my movements. I sent text messages informing him of my arrival at home. He never replied of course, for he sleeps early in the evening. Only at noon did he reply to my messages for he was concerned that sending a text early in the morning would disrupt my sleep.
It was sweet, but such gestures were received with a strong sense of weariness. The ex used to do the same trick, only to find out later that such gestures were laced with huge favors.
Nevertheless, the routine went on despite the growing hesitations in me. I tried to slow his advance, but my flirtatious barrage only made him more aggressive. Things would have spiraled into something close to a commitment had it not for three interventions that stopped me in my tracks:
First was the mention of a conflict with his family.
Second was the unexpected discovery of the joys of hanging out with a friend.
And third was the Despedida for Macoy, where I forgot to inform him of my arrival home.
The first two interventions will have a separate entry. The third, which triggered the fall-out was something that troubled me. You see, I wasn't able to text Tannis when I arrived home after the Despedida. The shortcoming was admitted through a morning greeting the following day. Despite the apologies, he never made his presence felt the whole day. I thought he was busy. However, at the back of my head, I had this inkling that he got mad when I did not text him. His possessiveness was alarming and as a way to get back, I blocked his YM off my list.
The response did not have to be ruthless, but I saw it as a perfect excuse to get out from the entanglement. For someone who was able to hold me by the neck, I knew that his grip might put me back to where I was a month ago. Friday came and it was supposed to be our first date. Tannis texted telling me that his phone had no credits and it was the reason why he wasn't able to reply. I would have bought his excuse, if not for a minor blunder I discovered in his line of thought.
He once texted using a different number when his phone lost credits that Monday. He said that he borrowed the phone from a friend. If the phone was indeed from a friend, then why in good heavens did he use the same number the entire Friday just to reach out and inform me of our date? He even attempted to call me using that number.
My answer is simple: The one he used to communicate with me on a daily basis was his Sun Cellular. No wonder he doesn't memorize the digits when he gave it on our first meeting. It wasn't the number he often used. After patching the pieces together, I also figured out why it took him so long to respond to my text messages when he admitted that he doesn't like waiting for replies.
Tannis was not honest with me from the very start and for that, doubts began to muddle my already confused feelings for him.
Had the date pushed through, it would most likely be his treat. We would watch a movie, dine in a restaurant, drink a couple of beers while sending flirt signals to one another, and probably end up in a motel somewhere. The routine we had established the week before would be reinforced and strengthened. Depending on how romantic the date was and how lasting the impact the sleep-over had, perhaps I would ignore his shortcomings in exchange for the intimacy he was offering. I would follow the same pattern with my two past relationships and end up committing into a new one long before my first month of emancipation arrives.
That would have been our story. Now that I can see things clearly, There is no love in that set-up: only a sense of vindication in getting a rebound from a fucked-up past commitment.
With this in mind, I retreated and cut all my ties with Tannis. I never responded to any of his text messages, including his YM pop-ups that he sent days after our failed date.
The events took shape in just one week. I was overly infatuated during the first two days after our encounter. However, when he expressed his feelings on the third day, the flame of romance had mysteriously disappeared. The first challenge happened on our fourth day and we failed miserably to reach out to one another. Reconciliation was attempted on the fifth, but I was already moving away. I traded the date for a hang-out and with all honesty, the hang-out had more essence - more than the date could ever give.
The Tannis experience can be considered a whirlwind affair gone wrong. It had the trappings of a potential relationship but in the end, I realized that we got each other too easily. In my younger days, I wouldn't mind entering a relationship through these kind of beginnings. After all, never did courting or dating another guy crossed my head:
The surest way into my heart then was through my dick.
But things have to change, and I have to value my freedom more for it took years just to get it.
Today is my first month of singlehood. The adjustments are quite extraordinary and the least thing I would like to do is to get hurt and hurt others because of my confusing habit of attaching myself to people. The Citadel which guards my heart shall be fortified and I will personally man the gates so no trespasser would enter even if my misinformed generals would offer him a heroic welcome.
The callings of lust, which had been my bane for so long will be suppressed. I will consider my hormones as the enemy and no matter how free I am to seek places where flesh can be easily procured, I will save myself just for that one soul who truly deserves me.
It is my hope that November will never see my bouts of rage.
And in its place ushers a time of isolation away from everything that will pose a threat to the harmony I will erect.
---
Saturday
[15:23] tannis: boy! musta!? long time no txt huh!
[15:48] tannis: ok....bye then...nice to know you men!
[15:48] mugen: eiii!!
[15:48] mugen: kakarating ko lang sa station. shensa na, kausap ko TL
[15:48] mugen: musta kaw?
Thursday
[19:13] tannis: kamusta naman?
[19:15] mugen: ayos naman, ikaw kamusta na?
-the end-
A friend has this impression that I prefer placing walls instead of opening my gates to strangers. He was right, the moment I feel threatened - imaginary or not - I run towards my citadel anticipating an assault. I raise the alarm in panic and aim the cannons toward the approaching wanderer. No wonder, I have a nasty reputation for being distant during first meet-ups. The opposite happens when I lower my guard to let a comrade enter. It's either the citadel surrenders without firing a volley of cannonball or it hurls the stranger towards outer space by way of the catapult.All in the defense of the heart.
Tannis was a casualty and on the third day after getting introduced, I knew he had no place in my heart. Tuesday evening, we were able to talk again in the Instant Messenger. This time, he was the one interested to know me better after he learned the strengths written on my Friendster profile. His assertiveness to get close triggered the alarm and as a defense, I started closing the gates to drive him away.
Despite the creeping coldness, I was still friendly and accommodating towards him. He was never aware but behind the warm facade, I was already seeking second opinion from trusted friends. Tannis was asking for a date and knowing where it might lead to, I was extremely careful not to cross the line this time.
"Let's have a date on Friday, looking forward to see you again men," was his parting reply.
One huge error that I committed was to give him a sense of control over my movements. I sent text messages informing him of my arrival at home. He never replied of course, for he sleeps early in the evening. Only at noon did he reply to my messages for he was concerned that sending a text early in the morning would disrupt my sleep.
It was sweet, but such gestures were received with a strong sense of weariness. The ex used to do the same trick, only to find out later that such gestures were laced with huge favors.
Nevertheless, the routine went on despite the growing hesitations in me. I tried to slow his advance, but my flirtatious barrage only made him more aggressive. Things would have spiraled into something close to a commitment had it not for three interventions that stopped me in my tracks:
First was the mention of a conflict with his family.
Second was the unexpected discovery of the joys of hanging out with a friend.
And third was the Despedida for Macoy, where I forgot to inform him of my arrival home.
The first two interventions will have a separate entry. The third, which triggered the fall-out was something that troubled me. You see, I wasn't able to text Tannis when I arrived home after the Despedida. The shortcoming was admitted through a morning greeting the following day. Despite the apologies, he never made his presence felt the whole day. I thought he was busy. However, at the back of my head, I had this inkling that he got mad when I did not text him. His possessiveness was alarming and as a way to get back, I blocked his YM off my list.
The response did not have to be ruthless, but I saw it as a perfect excuse to get out from the entanglement. For someone who was able to hold me by the neck, I knew that his grip might put me back to where I was a month ago. Friday came and it was supposed to be our first date. Tannis texted telling me that his phone had no credits and it was the reason why he wasn't able to reply. I would have bought his excuse, if not for a minor blunder I discovered in his line of thought.
He once texted using a different number when his phone lost credits that Monday. He said that he borrowed the phone from a friend. If the phone was indeed from a friend, then why in good heavens did he use the same number the entire Friday just to reach out and inform me of our date? He even attempted to call me using that number.
My answer is simple: The one he used to communicate with me on a daily basis was his Sun Cellular. No wonder he doesn't memorize the digits when he gave it on our first meeting. It wasn't the number he often used. After patching the pieces together, I also figured out why it took him so long to respond to my text messages when he admitted that he doesn't like waiting for replies.
Tannis was not honest with me from the very start and for that, doubts began to muddle my already confused feelings for him.
Had the date pushed through, it would most likely be his treat. We would watch a movie, dine in a restaurant, drink a couple of beers while sending flirt signals to one another, and probably end up in a motel somewhere. The routine we had established the week before would be reinforced and strengthened. Depending on how romantic the date was and how lasting the impact the sleep-over had, perhaps I would ignore his shortcomings in exchange for the intimacy he was offering. I would follow the same pattern with my two past relationships and end up committing into a new one long before my first month of emancipation arrives.
That would have been our story. Now that I can see things clearly, There is no love in that set-up: only a sense of vindication in getting a rebound from a fucked-up past commitment.
With this in mind, I retreated and cut all my ties with Tannis. I never responded to any of his text messages, including his YM pop-ups that he sent days after our failed date.
The events took shape in just one week. I was overly infatuated during the first two days after our encounter. However, when he expressed his feelings on the third day, the flame of romance had mysteriously disappeared. The first challenge happened on our fourth day and we failed miserably to reach out to one another. Reconciliation was attempted on the fifth, but I was already moving away. I traded the date for a hang-out and with all honesty, the hang-out had more essence - more than the date could ever give.
The Tannis experience can be considered a whirlwind affair gone wrong. It had the trappings of a potential relationship but in the end, I realized that we got each other too easily. In my younger days, I wouldn't mind entering a relationship through these kind of beginnings. After all, never did courting or dating another guy crossed my head:
The surest way into my heart then was through my dick.
But things have to change, and I have to value my freedom more for it took years just to get it.
Today is my first month of singlehood. The adjustments are quite extraordinary and the least thing I would like to do is to get hurt and hurt others because of my confusing habit of attaching myself to people. The Citadel which guards my heart shall be fortified and I will personally man the gates so no trespasser would enter even if my misinformed generals would offer him a heroic welcome.
The callings of lust, which had been my bane for so long will be suppressed. I will consider my hormones as the enemy and no matter how free I am to seek places where flesh can be easily procured, I will save myself just for that one soul who truly deserves me.
It is my hope that November will never see my bouts of rage.
And in its place ushers a time of isolation away from everything that will pose a threat to the harmony I will erect.
---
Saturday
[15:23] tannis: boy! musta!? long time no txt huh!
[15:48] tannis: ok....bye then...nice to know you men!
[15:48] mugen: eiii!!
[15:48] mugen: kakarating ko lang sa station. shensa na, kausap ko TL
[15:48] mugen: musta kaw?
Thursday
[19:13] tannis: kamusta naman?
[19:15] mugen: ayos naman, ikaw kamusta na?
-the end-
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Rebound (First Part)
Like we always say at work, love knocks when we least expect it coming. However, it can never barge through locked doors. Love cannot dwell and take shelter inside broken hearts. It can never nurture feelings bound by fear and doubt and it can never grow when forced into someone who is not ready to embrace it. Love grows organically and its healing properties take effect only when the recipient believes in the magic it brings.
It's been five years since I last felt the pangs of singlehood creeping into my consciousness. The feeling leaves me vulnerable, and sometimes, forces me to seek refuge in any warm mantle that would give semblance to a romantic attachment. I see myself as an infant rhesus monkey snatched from its real mother from the forest. Whoever feeds me - even if such inanimate creature is made out of steel wires covered with thatched cloth - would still pass as my surrogate. Chances are, I would overlook its shortcomings by dwelling on my own idea of a nurturer until such time I have my fill and realize that I have to seek something more real. The result would be a total and complete abandonment and in the wake of my passing, someone gets hurt.
Another dream gets shattered.
Tannis would have been a promising prospect. He was old (and possibly mature) enough to control me, he had a stable job that appealed to my sound financial judgment and our range of intimacy and romantic goals complement one another. He could have been a perfect match, had I given him the chance to prove his worth.
It was Sunday two weeks ago when our communication resumed. I always thought that I'm into him more than he was into me. However, signs tell that he was interested as well. I just denied the fact after learning that too much expectations would just leave me back on the slump. The trauma of an earlier market crash was still fresh and to suffer from another one might trigger a response that would hurl me back into the dens of Club Bath.
I do not wish for Kitsune's reawakening.
Monday came and we decided to trade each others Friendster account. Finally, I would get to know more about my future prospect instead of speculating about him. His profile included pictures, blurbs and even a blog. However, out of respect for the person that I was conversing on Yahoo Messenger, I turned my attention to chatting instead of processing the information he shared. What I knew is that his presence thrilled me and my heart was getting ready to take another plunge.
Had it been the case, it would be the fastest recovery I ever made since I began entering relationships seven years ago.
Unfortunately, dreams are made long enough to last a sleep and when it's time to wake up, the rousing lets us see clearly the distinction between a fantasy and a reality. Tannis was just an idea and the more I got to know him, the more he made me realize that I'm not prepared to risk my heart again.
Tuesday morning, I began processing the information he shared the night before. His photos revealed a person somewhat obsessed with fashion and vanity. Immediately, the monument I had built began showing signs of stress. Cracks appeared at the base and the foundation began to wallow every time a strong wind bounced off the structure. A construction hazard I must suggest. Good thing, understanding is one of my stronger points. I simply overlooked his flaw knowing that he works in a retail company. Who in the right mind can blame him if he appeared too loud in photos when he breathes and eats fashion?
Not even my harsher demons can raise an argument about that.
The processing went on. This time, I explored his mind by reading his blog.
To say that I was profoundly moved would be an understatement. It is not my intention to judge a person through his writings. However, I asked myself how someone as deep as me could resonate with someone who appears lacking in depth. How can I give up myself to someone who appeared clingy and needy when I am the one who needs to be restored? His strangeness bothered me and the more I seek to know him,
the more I discover that he was never a future but a ghost of my past. He was Phanks reincarnated into another person. His smile was becoming more of Raizen, the guy who broke my heart the first time I spoke of love.
---
-tobecontinued-
It's been five years since I last felt the pangs of singlehood creeping into my consciousness. The feeling leaves me vulnerable, and sometimes, forces me to seek refuge in any warm mantle that would give semblance to a romantic attachment. I see myself as an infant rhesus monkey snatched from its real mother from the forest. Whoever feeds me - even if such inanimate creature is made out of steel wires covered with thatched cloth - would still pass as my surrogate. Chances are, I would overlook its shortcomings by dwelling on my own idea of a nurturer until such time I have my fill and realize that I have to seek something more real. The result would be a total and complete abandonment and in the wake of my passing, someone gets hurt.
Another dream gets shattered.
Tannis would have been a promising prospect. He was old (and possibly mature) enough to control me, he had a stable job that appealed to my sound financial judgment and our range of intimacy and romantic goals complement one another. He could have been a perfect match, had I given him the chance to prove his worth.
It was Sunday two weeks ago when our communication resumed. I always thought that I'm into him more than he was into me. However, signs tell that he was interested as well. I just denied the fact after learning that too much expectations would just leave me back on the slump. The trauma of an earlier market crash was still fresh and to suffer from another one might trigger a response that would hurl me back into the dens of Club Bath.
I do not wish for Kitsune's reawakening.
Monday came and we decided to trade each others Friendster account. Finally, I would get to know more about my future prospect instead of speculating about him. His profile included pictures, blurbs and even a blog. However, out of respect for the person that I was conversing on Yahoo Messenger, I turned my attention to chatting instead of processing the information he shared. What I knew is that his presence thrilled me and my heart was getting ready to take another plunge.
Had it been the case, it would be the fastest recovery I ever made since I began entering relationships seven years ago.
Unfortunately, dreams are made long enough to last a sleep and when it's time to wake up, the rousing lets us see clearly the distinction between a fantasy and a reality. Tannis was just an idea and the more I got to know him, the more he made me realize that I'm not prepared to risk my heart again.
Tuesday morning, I began processing the information he shared the night before. His photos revealed a person somewhat obsessed with fashion and vanity. Immediately, the monument I had built began showing signs of stress. Cracks appeared at the base and the foundation began to wallow every time a strong wind bounced off the structure. A construction hazard I must suggest. Good thing, understanding is one of my stronger points. I simply overlooked his flaw knowing that he works in a retail company. Who in the right mind can blame him if he appeared too loud in photos when he breathes and eats fashion?
Not even my harsher demons can raise an argument about that.
The processing went on. This time, I explored his mind by reading his blog.
To say that I was profoundly moved would be an understatement. It is not my intention to judge a person through his writings. However, I asked myself how someone as deep as me could resonate with someone who appears lacking in depth. How can I give up myself to someone who appeared clingy and needy when I am the one who needs to be restored? His strangeness bothered me and the more I seek to know him,
the more I discover that he was never a future but a ghost of my past. He was Phanks reincarnated into another person. His smile was becoming more of Raizen, the guy who broke my heart the first time I spoke of love.
---
-tobecontinued-
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Seismic Aftershock
Torn (Secret Entry)
Originally posted: July 21, 2008
--
Tanghali
"Uy, bakit ka nagmiss-call?"
"Asan ka po?"
"Heto papasok napo sa trabaho. Bakit mo tinatanong?"
"Wala lang... Happy Monthsary po. I miss you so much."
"Miss. na.. rin.. kita..."
"Kinalimutan mo na ang monthsary natin."
"Iniintay lang kitang unang bumati. Alam kong monthsary natin ngayon."
"Tulog po ako sa inyo mamaya. Ok lang po ba?"
"Ah eh, gagabihin po ako sa work mamaya eh. Pasensya na."
"Miss na po kita makayakap eh. Ayaw mo na ako patuluyin sa inyo."
"Hindi naman... kakastay mo lang sa amin nung minsan ah."
"Tampo na ako sa iyo. Ayaw mo na ako papuntahin sa inyo."
"Ang kulit mo naman, sabi sayo gagabihin ako eh."
"O sige na nga. Kahit nagtatampo ako. Ingat po ikaw."
"Babay, I love you."
"I... love.. you. po."
--
Text message: Pasensya na, magkaaway kami ng kapatid ko ngayon eh. Ayaw kong may sabihin siya pag tumuloy ka sa amin.
--
Hapon
"Bakit ka po ulit nag-miss call?"
"Wala lang, nalulungkot lang ako. Miss na po kita makayakap eh."
"Ok lang yun. Nagkikita naman tayo diba?"
"Iba pa rin yung yakap eh. Alam na po ba ni [insert name of my sibling] ang tungkol sa atin?"
"Hindi ko alam. Wala rin akong pakielam. Ayaw ko lang may sabihin siya tungkol sa iyo."
"Ayaw na po ba nila ako pumunta sa iyo."
"Hindi naman. Wala naman sila sinasabi sa pagpunta mo dun eh."
"Sobrang miss na po kita. Antagal na kita hindi nakakatabi sa pagtulog."
"Ako rin..."
"Hayaan mo next time na lang. Wrong timing ka naman eh."
"Ganyan na po ba ngayon? Parang gusto ko maiyak, hindi na kita nakikita eh. Parang may nag-iba na sa atin."
"Wala naman ah. Saka wag mo masyado isipin yun. Ang mahalaga, magfocus ka sa pagtapos mo sa school."
"Sigurado ka ha. Wala."
"Wala... Balik na po ako sa work. May pasok ka mamaya diba?"
"Meron po."
"Galingan mo sa school. Ingat ka sa pag-uwi."
"Happy Monthsary po."
"Happy Monthsary rin."
"I love you."
"I love you."
"Mwah."
--
Behind the facade is a heart
torn between an icy truth and
a sunshiny dream.
The last time we slept together,
I was rudely awakened by the reality
that what only connects us is a crumpled
two hundred peso bill I took from my wallet.
And from there disillusionment set in.
When I reemerge from
this rot we call relationship,
All that would be left
is the pain of your memory.
---
A friend once shared a story of another friend who broke up with an ex-boyfriend of many years and still cannot move on after almost a year of separation.
Admirers make their presence felt and their full attention thrills my friend's friend. However, when the fanfare is over and reality creeps back, the past leaves him scampering towards the cold shell which serves as a monument dedicated to his broken love story. His past haunts him and as long as it lingers, anyone who wishes to win his heart would only be driven away.
Today marks our fifth year and sixth month had the relationship endured. It is most unfortunate that it had to end knowing that it had become more of a nightmare rather than a sweet reality.
Time heals old wounds as the cliche goes and on my third week of freedom, the past still haunts me like it never left at all. Tannis is a promising prospect. He is as serious as he was when we first met last Saturday.
For some reasons, the more he opens himself, the more I was reminded of my ex's memory. This memory which I am trying to forget corrupts like a vile disease that threatens to break whatever prospects I have with my recent interest.
Today I realized that it is unfair to pursue something when the heart is not ready.
Nevertheless, I will linger until he wants me to fade away.
I pray tell that Tannis would learn that what I can offer is just plain friendship.
Because as long as the nightmare stirs me up from sleep, the prospects of a happy ending will remain and lay hidden in the fairy tale of my dreams.
Originally posted: July 21, 2008
--
Tanghali
"Uy, bakit ka nagmiss-call?"
"Asan ka po?"
"Heto papasok napo sa trabaho. Bakit mo tinatanong?"
"Wala lang... Happy Monthsary po. I miss you so much."
"Miss. na.. rin.. kita..."
"Kinalimutan mo na ang monthsary natin."
"Iniintay lang kitang unang bumati. Alam kong monthsary natin ngayon."
"Tulog po ako sa inyo mamaya. Ok lang po ba?"
"Ah eh, gagabihin po ako sa work mamaya eh. Pasensya na."
"Miss na po kita makayakap eh. Ayaw mo na ako patuluyin sa inyo."
"Hindi naman... kakastay mo lang sa amin nung minsan ah."
"Tampo na ako sa iyo. Ayaw mo na ako papuntahin sa inyo."
"Ang kulit mo naman, sabi sayo gagabihin ako eh."
"O sige na nga. Kahit nagtatampo ako. Ingat po ikaw."
"Babay, I love you."
"I... love.. you. po."
--
Text message: Pasensya na, magkaaway kami ng kapatid ko ngayon eh. Ayaw kong may sabihin siya pag tumuloy ka sa amin.
--
Hapon
"Bakit ka po ulit nag-miss call?"
"Wala lang, nalulungkot lang ako. Miss na po kita makayakap eh."
"Ok lang yun. Nagkikita naman tayo diba?"
"Iba pa rin yung yakap eh. Alam na po ba ni [insert name of my sibling] ang tungkol sa atin?"
"Hindi ko alam. Wala rin akong pakielam. Ayaw ko lang may sabihin siya tungkol sa iyo."
"Ayaw na po ba nila ako pumunta sa iyo."
"Hindi naman. Wala naman sila sinasabi sa pagpunta mo dun eh."
"Sobrang miss na po kita. Antagal na kita hindi nakakatabi sa pagtulog."
"Ako rin..."
"Hayaan mo next time na lang. Wrong timing ka naman eh."
"Ganyan na po ba ngayon? Parang gusto ko maiyak, hindi na kita nakikita eh. Parang may nag-iba na sa atin."
"Wala naman ah. Saka wag mo masyado isipin yun. Ang mahalaga, magfocus ka sa pagtapos mo sa school."
"Sigurado ka ha. Wala."
"Wala... Balik na po ako sa work. May pasok ka mamaya diba?"
"Meron po."
"Galingan mo sa school. Ingat ka sa pag-uwi."
"Happy Monthsary po."
"Happy Monthsary rin."
"I love you."
"I love you."
"Mwah."
--
Behind the facade is a heart
torn between an icy truth and
a sunshiny dream.
The last time we slept together,
I was rudely awakened by the reality
that what only connects us is a crumpled
two hundred peso bill I took from my wallet.
And from there disillusionment set in.
When I reemerge from
this rot we call relationship,
All that would be left
is the pain of your memory.
---
A friend once shared a story of another friend who broke up with an ex-boyfriend of many years and still cannot move on after almost a year of separation.
Admirers make their presence felt and their full attention thrills my friend's friend. However, when the fanfare is over and reality creeps back, the past leaves him scampering towards the cold shell which serves as a monument dedicated to his broken love story. His past haunts him and as long as it lingers, anyone who wishes to win his heart would only be driven away.
Today marks our fifth year and sixth month had the relationship endured. It is most unfortunate that it had to end knowing that it had become more of a nightmare rather than a sweet reality.
Time heals old wounds as the cliche goes and on my third week of freedom, the past still haunts me like it never left at all. Tannis is a promising prospect. He is as serious as he was when we first met last Saturday.
For some reasons, the more he opens himself, the more I was reminded of my ex's memory. This memory which I am trying to forget corrupts like a vile disease that threatens to break whatever prospects I have with my recent interest.
Today I realized that it is unfair to pursue something when the heart is not ready.
Nevertheless, I will linger until he wants me to fade away.
I pray tell that Tannis would learn that what I can offer is just plain friendship.
Because as long as the nightmare stirs me up from sleep, the prospects of a happy ending will remain and lay hidden in the fairy tale of my dreams.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
In Dodong's Refuge
10:20 PM
"Kapatid gising ka pa?" Text ko kay Dodong habang nakaupo sa isang bakanteng work cubicle. Matagal nang nakaalis ang mga katrabaho ko, subalit dahil hindi pa ako nakaka-recover sa shock mula sa mga pangyayari noong gabing iyon ay pinili ko munang magpaliban sa opisina.
"Gising pa pero patulog na rin ako in a while. Why?"
"I just want you to know that we broke up." Makalipas pa ang ilang minuto, tumawag si Dodong sa aking telepono.
Si Dodong ang isa sa mga kauna-unahang PLU na nakilala ko. Kakasimula ko pa lang sa ganitong buhay samantalang siya naman ay isa na sa mga founders ng samahang #Manhood na kilala sa pagscre-screen ng mga potential members galing MIRc. Paniwala kasi nila na kailangang magkaroon ng hiwalay at ekslusibong samahan ang mga discreet at closet sa pangambang maari silang ma-out kung tatanggap sila ng may sablay sa grupo. Palibhasa'y sa ibang paraan kami nagkakilala ni Dodong kaya't ang mapabilang sa kanyang mga kasama ay hindi na sumagi sa akin.
Kasikatan ng Wireless Journal noon. Ito ay isang exclusive service ng Pinoyexchange kung saan maari kang mag-update ng sarili mong thread gamit ang iyong cellphone. Halimbawa'y naglalakad ka sa Shangri-La nang makita mong sinampal ni Kris Aquino si Jobert Sucaldito. Isang text lang gamit ang iyong phone at maari mo nang ikalat sa PEx ang iyong nasaksihan.
Pareho kaming miyembro ni Dodong sa Wireless Journal. Straight man ang aming front sa mga tao roon subalit matapos naming mabasa ang update ng bawat isa, di naglaon ay nagkahulihan rin kami ng aming mga tinatago. Matapos ang isang biglaang eyeball na nauwi sa pagpapakilala ko pa sa aking mga bagong kaibigan ilang linggo ang lumipas, simula noon ay lagi nang nagkru-krus ang aming landas.
Marami na rin kaming pinagsamahan ng aking kaibigan. Naroon na naging maghouse-mate kami ng walong buwan. Nakapasok kami ng Mint (Malate) for the first time na halos manginig ang binti sa kaba. Nasaksihan ko ang kauna-unahan niyang high-profile na break-up, samantalang siya naman ang nakarinig sa akin na humagulgol sa cellphone nang makipag-split ang una kong buddy sa akin. Pitong taon na ang lumipas ngunit ang pagkakaibigan namin ay hindi kumukupas. Alang-alang sa napakatagal naming pinagsamahan, isa siya sa una kong pinagsabihan ng break-up.
"Kapatid, nandito na ako sa gate ng condo mo."
"Wait ka lang, baba ako."
Malamig ang gabing iyon at wala nang taong naglalakad sa kalsada. Palibhasa'y kabilang street lang ang condo ni Dodong mula opisina kaya't madali lang sa akin makipagkita sa aking kaibigan. Sa piling ng apat na bote ng San Mig Light na pinagsaluhan naming dalawa, inilahad ko sa kanya ang buong nangyari. Sabi niya, anticipated na niya ang break up ilang taon pa lang ang aming binibilang ni ex. Ang hindi lang niya ma-gets ay kung bakit ganun katagal ako nag-intay bago nakipaghiwalay.
---
Para akong nanalo sa jackpot noong gabing iyon. Sa aking harapan ay naroon si Dodong na kasa-kasama ko na bago ko pa man masubukan makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki. Sa phone naman ay tuloy ang buhos ng text message mula sa mga kaibigang nakabalita ng aking paglaya.
"Hehehe. And i feel 4 d first time a smile of great relief from u. M happy 4 u." Ang text sa akin ni Kuya Trey. Sa totoo ay masayang masaya ako nang gabing iyon. Sa sobrang saya ko nga ay pati boss ko na walang alam sa aking sexual preference ay binalitaan ko ng break-up na may bahid ng ngiti sa aking mukha.
Sa kabila ng aking kagalakan, alam kong may isang tao na naghihinagpis sa mga nangyari. Hindi makakaila na putulin ko man ang aking koneksyon sa taong ito ay naroon pa rin ang pag-aalala sa kanyang kalagayan. Ang munting pagdiriwang sa bahay ni Dodong ay pampalubag-loob lamang sa aking mga haharapin sa susunod na mga araw. Hindi ko man sabihin sa aking mga kaibigan nang mga oras na iyon, ngunit ang assurance nila ay sapat na upang maitawid ang magdamag na buo at walang pagdududa sa aking ginawa.
Kay tagal kong inasam maging single at ngayong ito'y nagawa ko na, ang aking desisyon ay wala nang atrasan pa.
---
Mabilis ang mga pangyayari nang sumunod na araw. Upang makasiguro na walang makakahabol sa akin, pinapalitan ko ang aking cellphone number magbayad man ako ng malaki para dito. Kasabay nito ang pag-delete sa kanyang connection sa aking friendster at pati na rin ang pagpapalit ng aking profile picture at pangalan upang hindi niya ako mahanap sa website na iyon.
Sa tulong ni Mami Athena ay na-block ko ang kanyang email address sa aking Yahoo Account. Hangad man niya mag send sa akin ng e-mail upang pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay ay tiyak na mapupunta lamang ang kanyang mensahe sa spam folder. Desperate times need desperate measures sabi nga nila.
Marahil ay kung umuupa ako ng bahay ay naisipan ko rin lumipat ng matitirhan huwag lamang niya akong makita. Mabuti na lamang at hindi pa niya natutunton ang aking pinagtra-trabahuhan kaya't ito'y lagi kong magiging taguan sa tuwing hahanapin niya ako sa bahay. Sa ikalawang linggo ng aking kalayaan ay tinamaan naman ako ng isang matinding karamdaman. Marami ang nagsasabi na si Throatie ay bunga ng stress at paranoia na akin nang nararamdaman bago ko pa man maisipan humiwalay sa kanya at magsolo ng landas.
Malayo pa ang umaga sabi nga ni Rey Valera, at sa kaso naming dalawa, ang banta ng kanyang pagbabalik ay higit na napapatotohanan ngayong nasasanay na ako sa buhay mag-isa.
"Tumawag nga pala si Phanks kanina." Pahabol ng aming kasambahay nang mag-check ako sa bahay kanina.
"Ano sabi?" Mabilis kong tugon sa kanya.
"Kung pwede daw makitulog dito sa bahay sa Sabado, nag-iwan nga ng number sa akin eh."
"Pag tumawag ulit, sabihin mo wala ako sa bahay sa Sabado."
Lubhang masakit ang siya'y bitawan. Ngunit ang alaala na kanyang dala na tila isang bangungot na pilit ko mang kalimutan.
Ay maaring maging dahilan upang matagalan pa bago ko makita ang hinaharap na pagkatagal-tagal ko nang pinapangarap.
---
Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe
- Kim Sozzi, Letting Go
"Kapatid gising ka pa?" Text ko kay Dodong habang nakaupo sa isang bakanteng work cubicle. Matagal nang nakaalis ang mga katrabaho ko, subalit dahil hindi pa ako nakaka-recover sa shock mula sa mga pangyayari noong gabing iyon ay pinili ko munang magpaliban sa opisina.
"Gising pa pero patulog na rin ako in a while. Why?"
"I just want you to know that we broke up." Makalipas pa ang ilang minuto, tumawag si Dodong sa aking telepono.
Si Dodong ang isa sa mga kauna-unahang PLU na nakilala ko. Kakasimula ko pa lang sa ganitong buhay samantalang siya naman ay isa na sa mga founders ng samahang #Manhood na kilala sa pagscre-screen ng mga potential members galing MIRc. Paniwala kasi nila na kailangang magkaroon ng hiwalay at ekslusibong samahan ang mga discreet at closet sa pangambang maari silang ma-out kung tatanggap sila ng may sablay sa grupo. Palibhasa'y sa ibang paraan kami nagkakilala ni Dodong kaya't ang mapabilang sa kanyang mga kasama ay hindi na sumagi sa akin.
Kasikatan ng Wireless Journal noon. Ito ay isang exclusive service ng Pinoyexchange kung saan maari kang mag-update ng sarili mong thread gamit ang iyong cellphone. Halimbawa'y naglalakad ka sa Shangri-La nang makita mong sinampal ni Kris Aquino si Jobert Sucaldito. Isang text lang gamit ang iyong phone at maari mo nang ikalat sa PEx ang iyong nasaksihan.
Pareho kaming miyembro ni Dodong sa Wireless Journal. Straight man ang aming front sa mga tao roon subalit matapos naming mabasa ang update ng bawat isa, di naglaon ay nagkahulihan rin kami ng aming mga tinatago. Matapos ang isang biglaang eyeball na nauwi sa pagpapakilala ko pa sa aking mga bagong kaibigan ilang linggo ang lumipas, simula noon ay lagi nang nagkru-krus ang aming landas.
Marami na rin kaming pinagsamahan ng aking kaibigan. Naroon na naging maghouse-mate kami ng walong buwan. Nakapasok kami ng Mint (Malate) for the first time na halos manginig ang binti sa kaba. Nasaksihan ko ang kauna-unahan niyang high-profile na break-up, samantalang siya naman ang nakarinig sa akin na humagulgol sa cellphone nang makipag-split ang una kong buddy sa akin. Pitong taon na ang lumipas ngunit ang pagkakaibigan namin ay hindi kumukupas. Alang-alang sa napakatagal naming pinagsamahan, isa siya sa una kong pinagsabihan ng break-up.
"Kapatid, nandito na ako sa gate ng condo mo."
"Wait ka lang, baba ako."
Malamig ang gabing iyon at wala nang taong naglalakad sa kalsada. Palibhasa'y kabilang street lang ang condo ni Dodong mula opisina kaya't madali lang sa akin makipagkita sa aking kaibigan. Sa piling ng apat na bote ng San Mig Light na pinagsaluhan naming dalawa, inilahad ko sa kanya ang buong nangyari. Sabi niya, anticipated na niya ang break up ilang taon pa lang ang aming binibilang ni ex. Ang hindi lang niya ma-gets ay kung bakit ganun katagal ako nag-intay bago nakipaghiwalay.
---
Para akong nanalo sa jackpot noong gabing iyon. Sa aking harapan ay naroon si Dodong na kasa-kasama ko na bago ko pa man masubukan makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki. Sa phone naman ay tuloy ang buhos ng text message mula sa mga kaibigang nakabalita ng aking paglaya.
"Hehehe. And i feel 4 d first time a smile of great relief from u. M happy 4 u." Ang text sa akin ni Kuya Trey. Sa totoo ay masayang masaya ako nang gabing iyon. Sa sobrang saya ko nga ay pati boss ko na walang alam sa aking sexual preference ay binalitaan ko ng break-up na may bahid ng ngiti sa aking mukha.
Sa kabila ng aking kagalakan, alam kong may isang tao na naghihinagpis sa mga nangyari. Hindi makakaila na putulin ko man ang aking koneksyon sa taong ito ay naroon pa rin ang pag-aalala sa kanyang kalagayan. Ang munting pagdiriwang sa bahay ni Dodong ay pampalubag-loob lamang sa aking mga haharapin sa susunod na mga araw. Hindi ko man sabihin sa aking mga kaibigan nang mga oras na iyon, ngunit ang assurance nila ay sapat na upang maitawid ang magdamag na buo at walang pagdududa sa aking ginawa.
Kay tagal kong inasam maging single at ngayong ito'y nagawa ko na, ang aking desisyon ay wala nang atrasan pa.
---
Mabilis ang mga pangyayari nang sumunod na araw. Upang makasiguro na walang makakahabol sa akin, pinapalitan ko ang aking cellphone number magbayad man ako ng malaki para dito. Kasabay nito ang pag-delete sa kanyang connection sa aking friendster at pati na rin ang pagpapalit ng aking profile picture at pangalan upang hindi niya ako mahanap sa website na iyon.
Sa tulong ni Mami Athena ay na-block ko ang kanyang email address sa aking Yahoo Account. Hangad man niya mag send sa akin ng e-mail upang pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay ay tiyak na mapupunta lamang ang kanyang mensahe sa spam folder. Desperate times need desperate measures sabi nga nila.
Marahil ay kung umuupa ako ng bahay ay naisipan ko rin lumipat ng matitirhan huwag lamang niya akong makita. Mabuti na lamang at hindi pa niya natutunton ang aking pinagtra-trabahuhan kaya't ito'y lagi kong magiging taguan sa tuwing hahanapin niya ako sa bahay. Sa ikalawang linggo ng aking kalayaan ay tinamaan naman ako ng isang matinding karamdaman. Marami ang nagsasabi na si Throatie ay bunga ng stress at paranoia na akin nang nararamdaman bago ko pa man maisipan humiwalay sa kanya at magsolo ng landas.
Malayo pa ang umaga sabi nga ni Rey Valera, at sa kaso naming dalawa, ang banta ng kanyang pagbabalik ay higit na napapatotohanan ngayong nasasanay na ako sa buhay mag-isa.
"Tumawag nga pala si Phanks kanina." Pahabol ng aming kasambahay nang mag-check ako sa bahay kanina.
"Ano sabi?" Mabilis kong tugon sa kanya.
"Kung pwede daw makitulog dito sa bahay sa Sabado, nag-iwan nga ng number sa akin eh."
"Pag tumawag ulit, sabihin mo wala ako sa bahay sa Sabado."
Lubhang masakit ang siya'y bitawan. Ngunit ang alaala na kanyang dala na tila isang bangungot na pilit ko mang kalimutan.
Ay maaring maging dahilan upang matagalan pa bago ko makita ang hinaharap na pagkatagal-tagal ko nang pinapangarap.
---
Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe
- Kim Sozzi, Letting Go
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
As The Final Hour Falls
I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it.
- Jericho, The Longest-Running-Whatever of my Entire Gay Life
---
Maulap ang kalangitan at nagbabadyang bumuhos ang ulan noong hapong iyon. Malamig sa aking workstation at tumaon namang nakalubog muli sa putik ang mood ko. Habang pilit inaangat ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pakikipag-usap sa mga kaibigan sa Yahoo Messenger, isang text message ang natanggap ko mula sa isang taong buong desperasyon kong pilit iniiwasan.
Si ex.
"Asawa ko bakit hindi ka po nagpaparamdam sa akin? Masama po ang pakiramdam ko at nilalagnat po ako ngayon. Sana makapunta ka dito at maabutan mo ako ng pera pambili ng gamot. Pasensya na po sa abala."
Kung ang text message na ito ay natanggap ko noong sinaunang panahon, hindi ako magdadalawang isip dumayo ng napakalayo upang iabot sa kanya ang pera na pambili ng gamot. Nagawa ko na ito minsan at umuwi akong durog ang puso matapos ang panic at pag-aalala. Kasabay nito ang pagkagising sa katotohanang ni minsan ay hindi ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya sa tuwing ako naman ang may karamdaman.
Higit na sumadsad ang aking mood matapos matanggap ang kanyang text message. Naroon ang pag-aalala, ang pagka-badtrip, ang pagdududa, at ang pakiramdam ng pagkagamit. Sawang sawa na ako sa ganitong sitwasyon at laging ako ang talo - sa pera at effort - sa tuwing siya ang agrabyado.
Matapos magyosi sa banyo, bumalik ako sa workstation upang nagvent-out kay Squarepants na una kong nakausap sa Yahoo.
Marahil ay dahil sa gulo na rin ng isip, hindi ko na matandaan ang mga nasabi ko. Hindi ko na rin mabilang kung ilan pang mga kaibigan ang hiningan ko ng payo tungkol sa aking emotional crisis. Naroon si Philander, si Rico, si Pinuno - at si Dabo na siyang huli kong nakausap ilang oras matapos ang shift. Malinaw sa akin na awa na lang ang natitira sa aming relasyon at alam kong hindi ito sapat upang tumagal pa kami gaya ng lagi kong pinapanalangin sa tuwing nadadayo ako sa simbahan.
---
Ilang linggo na ang nakakaraan nang sabihin ko kay ex na nasira ang phone ko. Sabi ko sa kanya na maari akong makatanggap ng text message, subalit hindi ako makakareply dito. Nasambit ko ang dahilang ito upang maiwasan niya ang pagtetext ng mga sweet nothings sa tuwing magpapadala siya ng text message sa akin. Sobrang sakit kasi ang maramdaman na ang mga sweet nothings na ito ay wala nang tama sa puso ko.
At higit na masakit ang magreply dito na walang laman ang bawat sinasabi mo.
Namimiss po kita.
Sana magkayakap na po tayo.
Mahal na mahal po kita.
Paano mo mararamdaman ang mga bagay na ito kung ang tanging nagpapatakbo sa inyong relasyon ay pera? Paano mo mamimiss ang isang tao kung ang tanging dahilan niyo upang mag-usap ay upang makinig ka at magpayo sa kanyang mga issues na sa totoo'y wala naman direktang kinalaman sa iyo?
Tumagal kami ng taon na hindi ko nalalaman kung saang mga bagay kami nagkakasundo.
---
"I don't want to see him. I want him completely out of my life." Reply ko kay Dabo sa chat nang tanungin niya ako kung may pag-asa pa ba kaming maging magkaibigan ni ex. Marahil ay ikinagulat niya ito sapagkat sa tuwing nag-uusap kami tungkol sa problemang relasyon ay ni minsan ay hindi ako naging matigas pagdating sa gusto kong mangyari sa aming dalawa.
Pumatak ang bawat minuto na parang nag-iintay ako ng delubyo. The lull before the storm, ang sabi ko nga sa isang kausap sa chat. Sampung minuto bago mag-alas diyes, nakatanggap ako ng text message, muli, sa taong iniiwasan ko. Dito na nagsisimula ang komprontasyon at sa isip ko, handa ko nang isugal ang lahat para sa aking kalayaan.
"Nagkasakit na ako at lahat hindi ka man lang nagparamdam sa akin."
Gamit ang cellphone ng katrabaho, bumawi ako sa text niya.
"Baon na ako sa utang at problema, isasabit mo pa ang sarili mo."
"Ah ganun, simula ngayon hindi na ako magpaparamdam sa iyo." Ito ang naintindihan ko sa kanyang reply. Sa totoo, pilit ko pa ring iniiwasan makipag-prangkahan sa kanya.
"Huwag ka mag-alala. Pagkatapos ng trimester, isasauli ko na ang laptop at lahat ng binigay mo sa akin." Pagkabasa ng text message na ito, nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob gumawa ng opensiba.
"Mabuti pa siguro magpalamig muna tayo. Hindi na maganda ang nangyayari sa atin."
"Ano ibig mo sabihin, wala na tayo?"
"Ang sabi ko, huwag muna tayong mag-usap. Pag-isipan muna natin ang mga bagay-bagay. Huwag ka na magreply, ibabalik ko na ang phone sa may-ari."
Sadyang palaban ang kausap ko. Pilit man niya sigurong umasa na magiging mabuti pa ang mga bagay sa aming dalawa, nararamdaman rin niya ang aming katapusan."
"Diretsuhin mo ako, ayoko ng nakabitin..."
Napaisip ako ng ilang minuto. Alam kong wala na akong stake sa aming relasyon at hangad ko na ang lumaya. Sa kabilang banda, ayaw ko naman siyang isuko hangga't hindi namin natatapos ang kanyang pag-aaral.
Masyadong marami na kasi akong isinugal makita lamang ang kanyang tagumpay.
Ibabalik ko na sana ang phone nang bigla kong naalala ang tagubilin ni Mami Athena nang minsang magtawag ng cool-off si ex at ako naman ay dali-daling dumiretso ng Cubao matapos ang shift upang magpakalasing sa bakuran ng aking nanay-nanayan.
"Isipin mo na lang ano ang sasabihin ng nanay mo, matapos ka niyang dinala ng siyam na buwan sa sinapupunan kung malalaman niya na sinasayang mo ang buhay at kasiyahan mo sa iisang tao lamang."
Tama si Mami. Magunaw man ang mundo, gumawa man ng eskandalo ang taong iiwanan ko, papanig pa rin ang aking ina sa akin.
Namumutla at nanginginig man ang kanang kamay, dahan-dahan kong tinype sa screen ang aking pamamaalam. Ni minsan ay hindi ko hinangad na ako ang makipag-split up, subalit sa pagkakataong ito, makakabuti sa aming dalawa ang paghihiwalay.
"Paalam, Break na tayo."
Message sent.
10:07 pm, October 1, 2008. Natamo ko ang aking kalayaan.
Hindi na kami nag-usap matapos noon at gumawa ako ng mga paraan upang hindi niya ako marating, anuman ang kanyang gawin. Isang linggo matapos ang mga pangyayari, laman pa rin ng isip ko ang kanyang pagbabalik. Ito'y nanunuot na pangamba na sa tuwing naiisip ko'y nagiging dahilan ng aking panghihina.
Isang linggo matapos makamit ang kalayaan,
sa totoo'y hindi ko pa rin alam paano mamuhay ng malaya.
- Jericho, The Longest-Running-Whatever of my Entire Gay Life
---
Maulap ang kalangitan at nagbabadyang bumuhos ang ulan noong hapong iyon. Malamig sa aking workstation at tumaon namang nakalubog muli sa putik ang mood ko. Habang pilit inaangat ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pakikipag-usap sa mga kaibigan sa Yahoo Messenger, isang text message ang natanggap ko mula sa isang taong buong desperasyon kong pilit iniiwasan.
Si ex.
"Asawa ko bakit hindi ka po nagpaparamdam sa akin? Masama po ang pakiramdam ko at nilalagnat po ako ngayon. Sana makapunta ka dito at maabutan mo ako ng pera pambili ng gamot. Pasensya na po sa abala."
Kung ang text message na ito ay natanggap ko noong sinaunang panahon, hindi ako magdadalawang isip dumayo ng napakalayo upang iabot sa kanya ang pera na pambili ng gamot. Nagawa ko na ito minsan at umuwi akong durog ang puso matapos ang panic at pag-aalala. Kasabay nito ang pagkagising sa katotohanang ni minsan ay hindi ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya sa tuwing ako naman ang may karamdaman.
Higit na sumadsad ang aking mood matapos matanggap ang kanyang text message. Naroon ang pag-aalala, ang pagka-badtrip, ang pagdududa, at ang pakiramdam ng pagkagamit. Sawang sawa na ako sa ganitong sitwasyon at laging ako ang talo - sa pera at effort - sa tuwing siya ang agrabyado.
Matapos magyosi sa banyo, bumalik ako sa workstation upang nagvent-out kay Squarepants na una kong nakausap sa Yahoo.
Marahil ay dahil sa gulo na rin ng isip, hindi ko na matandaan ang mga nasabi ko. Hindi ko na rin mabilang kung ilan pang mga kaibigan ang hiningan ko ng payo tungkol sa aking emotional crisis. Naroon si Philander, si Rico, si Pinuno - at si Dabo na siyang huli kong nakausap ilang oras matapos ang shift. Malinaw sa akin na awa na lang ang natitira sa aming relasyon at alam kong hindi ito sapat upang tumagal pa kami gaya ng lagi kong pinapanalangin sa tuwing nadadayo ako sa simbahan.
---
Ilang linggo na ang nakakaraan nang sabihin ko kay ex na nasira ang phone ko. Sabi ko sa kanya na maari akong makatanggap ng text message, subalit hindi ako makakareply dito. Nasambit ko ang dahilang ito upang maiwasan niya ang pagtetext ng mga sweet nothings sa tuwing magpapadala siya ng text message sa akin. Sobrang sakit kasi ang maramdaman na ang mga sweet nothings na ito ay wala nang tama sa puso ko.
At higit na masakit ang magreply dito na walang laman ang bawat sinasabi mo.
Namimiss po kita.
Sana magkayakap na po tayo.
Mahal na mahal po kita.
Paano mo mararamdaman ang mga bagay na ito kung ang tanging nagpapatakbo sa inyong relasyon ay pera? Paano mo mamimiss ang isang tao kung ang tanging dahilan niyo upang mag-usap ay upang makinig ka at magpayo sa kanyang mga issues na sa totoo'y wala naman direktang kinalaman sa iyo?
Tumagal kami ng taon na hindi ko nalalaman kung saang mga bagay kami nagkakasundo.
---
"I don't want to see him. I want him completely out of my life." Reply ko kay Dabo sa chat nang tanungin niya ako kung may pag-asa pa ba kaming maging magkaibigan ni ex. Marahil ay ikinagulat niya ito sapagkat sa tuwing nag-uusap kami tungkol sa problemang relasyon ay ni minsan ay hindi ako naging matigas pagdating sa gusto kong mangyari sa aming dalawa.
Pumatak ang bawat minuto na parang nag-iintay ako ng delubyo. The lull before the storm, ang sabi ko nga sa isang kausap sa chat. Sampung minuto bago mag-alas diyes, nakatanggap ako ng text message, muli, sa taong iniiwasan ko. Dito na nagsisimula ang komprontasyon at sa isip ko, handa ko nang isugal ang lahat para sa aking kalayaan.
"Nagkasakit na ako at lahat hindi ka man lang nagparamdam sa akin."
Gamit ang cellphone ng katrabaho, bumawi ako sa text niya.
"Baon na ako sa utang at problema, isasabit mo pa ang sarili mo."
"Ah ganun, simula ngayon hindi na ako magpaparamdam sa iyo." Ito ang naintindihan ko sa kanyang reply. Sa totoo, pilit ko pa ring iniiwasan makipag-prangkahan sa kanya.
"Huwag ka mag-alala. Pagkatapos ng trimester, isasauli ko na ang laptop at lahat ng binigay mo sa akin." Pagkabasa ng text message na ito, nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob gumawa ng opensiba.
"Mabuti pa siguro magpalamig muna tayo. Hindi na maganda ang nangyayari sa atin."
"Ano ibig mo sabihin, wala na tayo?"
"Ang sabi ko, huwag muna tayong mag-usap. Pag-isipan muna natin ang mga bagay-bagay. Huwag ka na magreply, ibabalik ko na ang phone sa may-ari."
Sadyang palaban ang kausap ko. Pilit man niya sigurong umasa na magiging mabuti pa ang mga bagay sa aming dalawa, nararamdaman rin niya ang aming katapusan."
"Diretsuhin mo ako, ayoko ng nakabitin..."
Napaisip ako ng ilang minuto. Alam kong wala na akong stake sa aming relasyon at hangad ko na ang lumaya. Sa kabilang banda, ayaw ko naman siyang isuko hangga't hindi namin natatapos ang kanyang pag-aaral.
Masyadong marami na kasi akong isinugal makita lamang ang kanyang tagumpay.
Ibabalik ko na sana ang phone nang bigla kong naalala ang tagubilin ni Mami Athena nang minsang magtawag ng cool-off si ex at ako naman ay dali-daling dumiretso ng Cubao matapos ang shift upang magpakalasing sa bakuran ng aking nanay-nanayan.
"Isipin mo na lang ano ang sasabihin ng nanay mo, matapos ka niyang dinala ng siyam na buwan sa sinapupunan kung malalaman niya na sinasayang mo ang buhay at kasiyahan mo sa iisang tao lamang."
Tama si Mami. Magunaw man ang mundo, gumawa man ng eskandalo ang taong iiwanan ko, papanig pa rin ang aking ina sa akin.
Namumutla at nanginginig man ang kanang kamay, dahan-dahan kong tinype sa screen ang aking pamamaalam. Ni minsan ay hindi ko hinangad na ako ang makipag-split up, subalit sa pagkakataong ito, makakabuti sa aming dalawa ang paghihiwalay.
"Paalam, Break na tayo."
Message sent.
10:07 pm, October 1, 2008. Natamo ko ang aking kalayaan.
Hindi na kami nag-usap matapos noon at gumawa ako ng mga paraan upang hindi niya ako marating, anuman ang kanyang gawin. Isang linggo matapos ang mga pangyayari, laman pa rin ng isip ko ang kanyang pagbabalik. Ito'y nanunuot na pangamba na sa tuwing naiisip ko'y nagiging dahilan ng aking panghihina.
Isang linggo matapos makamit ang kalayaan,
sa totoo'y hindi ko pa rin alam paano mamuhay ng malaya.
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