Monthsary | Shuriken Pact

Hangga't hindi ko nahihigitan ang ganitong pagpapaubaya ng sarili, alam kong hindi pa ako handa.

Pormal kong isinasara muli ang pintuan ng aking puso.

---

It was past eleven in the evening.

I was in Greenbelt meeting the best friend of an online friend who came to visit the city. It was a pleasant meeting set on a chilly night. We had no plans really, except to talk about our common friend who should have been there with him had it not for his busy work in the fields.

What my eyeball didn't know was that I had urgent reasons to show up. It wasn't just about seeing him. We could set another time together with his best friend for a better planned eye-ball. In truth, our meet-up was a vigil. It was like hitting two birds with one stone. His, was for pleasant introductions, the other was in case I would be needed to the rescue.

The person to be secured is with his colleagues binging on hard liquor somewhere in Manila.

I remember leaving a twitter note before the end of my shift telling that I should stay out in case my presence is needed. Intuition runs parallel to a new-found attachment and emotions have to be considered in every decision I make. My situation was comparable to an admiral commanding his entire armada to patrol a narrow strait. Should a distress call be sent, redundancy ensures a swift response.

A few minutes before midnight, I received a text message.

"SOS na pare..."

He gave me the address and the landmark of the place where he was staying. Since it was near my school, it was easy to plot the course that would take me there. It doesn't matter how much I would have to give up just to be there.

The essence is to never let him wait.

"20 minutes dude, pahinga ka lang."

The cab driver must have thought I'm insane when my instructions were to step on the gas and never on the breaks. If the cab had wings, we would have vanquished the skies that midnight. Traffic was hell along Nagtahan because of the lifting of the truck ban. We could squeeze our way between mammoth-sized 18-wheelers but I had a better idea.

I found him slumped in one of the chairs when I showed up at the door 10 minutes earlier than my expected time of arrival. It was the empty side streets of Santa Ana, whose narrow passageways which revealed the quickest path to the river crossing. He introduced me as his housemate who was tasked to bring him home. Overjoyed by his colleagues' recognition, I even took his last three shots of Brandy to spare him from further misery of the alcohol constantly swirling inside his head.

---

Ibang klase talaga ang Diwata - Dukesa love affair. Hehehe. Magkasama sila ngayon sa Masbate. Sinundan ni Dukesa ang Diwata sa Masbate kung saan naka-assign ngayon and Diwata sa work.

It really must be true love! Lalakbayin ang kapatagan, aakyatin ang bundok at tatawirin ang dagat, makapiling lang ang isa't isa.

- Pinuno, Text Message



Lumabas tayo nung place mo para kumain... medyo malayo yung linakad natin at gutom na ako nun pero ok lang. Kasama naman kita. Pagkatapos natin kumain at magkuwentuhan naisipan nating mamasyal pero dahil wala ka pa masyadong tulog (at wala pa din ako masyadong tulog) naisipan mong umuwi na lang. Sabi ko, ok lang - basta kasama naman kita.

- Lukayo, Liham Para Sa Aking Asawa

Body Clock

Kapag inutos ng katawan ang matulog ng hatinggabi,
wala kang magagawa kundi ang sumunod dito.
At kapag ginising ka ng utak ng alas kwatro ng madaling araw,
sorry na lang kahit anung lalim ng hilik mo .

Magpapagulong-gulong ngunit ayaw dalawin ng antok.
Ipipikit ang mga mata subalit patuloy pa ring gising ang diwa.
Bubuksan ang TV at hahayain itong nasa balita. Subalit
kapag breaking news na ang pinapakita, susubaybayan mo pa rin ito.

Magmomojacko ngunit kahit dalawang putukan, ayaw pa rin dapuan ng antok.
Magtatalukbong ngunit makulay ang imahinasyon sa ilalim ng kumot.
Mag-iisip ng mga kabaliwan,
Mangangarap ng mga pangyayaring imposible maganap,
Makakaalala ng mga taong iniwan,
Magtwi-twitter gamit ang cellphone,
Magpapantasya ng panibagong pag-ibig,
Mangyayakap ng unan at magkukunwaring may katabi sa kama,
Mag-uunat ng paa,
Magtutungga ng tubig galing sa baso,
Magpaplano para sa darating na umaga,
Magsesenti ng mga nakalipas,
Maghihikab ng paulit-ulit
Magpupungas ng mga mutaing mata
Mag-iinternet,
Magtutula,
Magkakamot ng balat,
Makikinig ng mp3,
Magtitiklop ng kumot,
Mag-aayos ng kama at saka
Muling hihiga.

Ngunit ano man ang pilit at anumang klaseng dasal, basta't dikta ng

body clock.

Pasensyahan na lang ang matirang puyat.

---

At sigurado kong pagsapit ng alas-onse mamaya. Bagsak na naman ako nito sa trabaho.

Paano na lang ang napipisil na promotion ko?

Reconnaissance

Slow is the breeze caressing my cheeks, in this moonless night I remember. Crumpled sheets sprawled on my weary bed, as pale blue light from the TV screen illuminate the walls of this silent room. Empty thoughts become a distraction, turning my gaze away from a dreaded sunrise. Another day, another cycle, it sometimes makes me wonder how long before this suspended animation ends. A muffled breathe, a stare into the blank ceiling, a tapping of the fingers on the plastic ebony keyboard while letters appear on my computer. Words have the power to both heal and inflict pain. When words leave no meaning; when sentences print only artificial thoughts, then perhaps there is no use transmitting this message at all:

I am a satellite drifting the space between worlds and in those millions of stars and trillions of planets, perhaps it is not yet meant to find my orbit around a new homeworld.

Ridge Racer

Parked precariously beside a ridge somewhere along Sumulong Highway, the Red Mazda 3 bears witness to a promise. Seated in the front seat, I was just steps away from a steep drop below. Despite the seemingly precarious state I found myself in, the risk was well worth it.

In front of me was a panoramic view of Manila - sleeping yet sparkling under the sheets of a cold night. Rows upon rows of houses were twinkling below, while beyond, were glittering concrete skyscrapers silhouetted in the dark. Looking at the patterns of light - of roads and highways lit by lamp posts; of homes illuminated by tiny light bulbs perched on garages and front doors, one would see a web of interconnection. The lights reveal that everything under the same night sky fears being mislead by the darkness.

My heart was racing when I first set my gaze into the horizon . The person who accompanied me there may not have noticed it, but for a few seconds I had some difficulty catching my breath. "I've waited nine years for this," I sighed while fixing my gaze towards the direction of Ortigas. Suddenly, I felt the slow but continuous trickling of memories filling my head. At first, all I could remember were random images - blurry and difficult to recall. However, as I look farther into the city while listening to the humming of the wind and the chorus of insects gathered near the trees, everything became clearer to me.

The quiet recollection was interrupted by passing dump trucks moving at a crawling but roaring pace. They are heading to the quarries behind the hills. Occasionally, Patok jeepneys bound for Simbahan scurried behind us. They carried a handful of passengers, drunk and weary from the toils of work. Back in high school, the Patoks were stuff of legends. They were a perfect conversation piece whose notoriety in zigzagging along narrow stretches of Aurora Boulevard bore a stamp of experience. For us juveniles, to hitch a ride outside the jeep and endure the dizzying trip from Santa Mesa to Cogeo without clutching on the estribo was a rite of passage before gaining manhood.

I entered college still basking at the borders of my teenage existence.

A few sojourners on motorcycles made a brief stop-over near where the Mazda was parked. For fifteen minutes or so, they stood there enjoying the grand view of the city below. However, their loud and careless chatter interrupted my moment of nostalgia. I cannot remember what they spoke but as they begin to mount their bikes and continue their joyride, a flashback occurred to me.

Their voices echoed the slurry sounds I heard the first time I went to that place.

It was past midnight on a Saturday night. After a very lengthy party meeting at the university, we found ourselves in a convoy of vehicles heading toward the direction of Antipolo. I was in the company of students - scheming, political, and yet despite their manipulative inclinations within the party, they were leaders willing to serve for the good of the studentry. In those days, we were torn by inner strife between two rival philosophies. One was more transparent and democratic, and the other was close to being Orwellian. Searching for ways to unite the party, we found ourselves gazing towards the city lights while the same serene darkness surrounded us. Daybreak came but we never found the glow that would make us whole again. Yet, despite our bitter division, we were the office holders of the college student council for the next two years.

For some reasons, the same ridge became a testament to my dreams. I attempted to conquer my fears of driving just to be in that place with the one I will invite to keep me company. The thought of embracing the chilly silence, with only the same distant shimmering lights to bear witness to our moment of connection was the ultimate Emo moment I could imagine.

Nine years and I am still searching for that sense of connectivity.

And I still need to earn my driver's license.

But last night, it felt like the connection was almost there.

The brief respite took only an hour before reality sets in. Mom was insisting that I return home. My companion has work the following morning, and I, must detach myself from gazing too much at the distant skyscrapers because the longer I set my eyes on them, the more I am being reminded of how far the lights are,

and that some lights can never be mine.

"Tara, lets go home."

The key was turned on and the engine starts to rev. As the Mazda makes a U-turn to head back to the valley, I refused to turn my head and look back at the ridge we just left.

"There will always be a next time to dream and remember," I told myself. "What matters is that I never forget."

I arrived home safe, and slightly more hopeful of the future.

---

Photocredits:
Project Manila

The Hip Hugger

Just maybe, at a very young age, mother taught us to be very touchy with those who mean to us. We grew up learning that assurances come from a tight hug or a snuggle from those we love. An ex once lamented on an SMS message that he enjoyed sleeping beside me because he felt secured whenever my arm was on his waist. He was right, for when I sleep at night, the same arms which are elusive to body contact during the day would be clutching something or I may never find the rest my body desires.

It would be another night - cuddle-less, restless, and longing for some warm soft body I would wrap my arms around as I fall into deep slumber. The pillow could offer a temporary relief, but who finds sincere pleasure in something that can never return the affection you are willing to give?

Hook-ups abound and I could trade a chance to get laid for one precious hug. But really, would it fill my desire knowing that it was born out of lust?

Maybe I'm just drunk so these thoughts run amok inside my head.

When I return to the gym later, I will make sure to seek the best exercise possible to firm my arms. The body can do on it's own with the seemingly endless deadlifts, benchpresses military presses and squats to sculpt it according to its specifications. However, the goal now is to pack-up as much bulk to that body part that expresses my affection towards someone.

Because the next time my arms cuddle the person it truly feels; the next time I'd get to invite a living being to sleep over and lie beside me in bed, I will make sure it's not just intimacy or lust it will show.

My arms will subtly reveal that it can lay down every part of its muscle; every firmness that it has

To the one, who might have already snatched my heart.

---

Mom told me this morning that Phanks showed up late last night. He gave away company give-aways for my mom and my sister to use.

Good thing I wasn't around. Good thing, I'm always out of the house.

For it would upset me more to see him, knowing we're both trying to pull ourselves out of the rut.

A Message From Hyperspace

Hello po sa iyo. Natanggap ko ang iyong regalo at nagpapasalamat ako dahil naalala mo ang kaarawan ko. Pasensya na kung sa mga panahong ito ay iniiwasan ko ang mga tawag at pakikibalita tungkol sa iyo. Masyado pa kasing sariwa ang lahat para pag-usapan natin ang mga bagay-bagay na nagdulot sa ating paghihiwalay. Nawa'y nasa mabuti kang kalagayan. Tingin ko naman ay suportado ka ng ate mo dahil amoy Europe pa ang mga damit na binigay mo sa akin. Pasensya na kung hindi ko masusuot yung isa, masyado na kasi itong malaki para sa akin. Sana ay ayos lang ang pag-aaral mo. Alam ko, mahirap sayo ang ganitong sitwasyon, subalit alam kong mas mahihirapan ka na nag-eexist tayong malabo ang takbo ng ating relasyon.

Saan ko man tingnan kasi, kinakailangan talaga nating magkahiwalay dalawa.

Maraming mga bagay ang hindi ko pa mabubuksan sa ngayon, ngunit lagi mo sanang pakatandaan na anumang tulong, suporta at paghihirap na ibinuhos ko sa iyo ay walang hinihinging kapalit. Huwag kang ma-guilty sa mga nangyari sapagkat nakikita kong nakaraan na natin yun. Sa halip, ipagpatuloy mo ang iyong nasimulan sa pag-aaral. Maging hamon sana sa iyo ang ating pinagdadaanan ngayong magkaiba na tayo ng landas. Hindi ako nagsakripisyo at nagsugal ng sarili ng napakahabang panahon upang malaman lang na sa bandang huli ay isusuko mo ang lahat ng ating pinaghirapan.

Huwag ka mag-alala, hindi ako galit at lalong hindi kita nakakalimutan. Sa araw-araw na pagbangon ko sa umaga ay naiisip pa rin kita. Subalit, gaano man ang attachment ko sa iyo, panahon naman para ayusin ko ang aking sariling buhay. Nawa'y maintindihan mo sana ito. Kung maari sana, bilang respeto sa anumang nagkaroon tayo, hinihiling ko sa iyo ang distansya mula sa akin. Tatanawin kong malaking bagay ang magkaroon ng katahimikan sa ating dalawa. Ito lang ang nakikita kong paraan para naman mahanap ko ang aking sarili at mabuo ang mga bahagi na inilaan ko sa iyo.

Sa iyong tagumpay ilang buwan mula ngayon, alam kong maiinitindihan mo ang mga sinasabi ko sa liham na ito. Saan mang sulok ng mundo ka makarating, sapat na sa akin ang malaman na binago ko ang iyong buhay. Hayaan mong magtagpo tayo sa panahong kaya na nating tumingin pareho sa mata ng isa't-isa. Ngayon kasi ay hindi patas ang takbo nating dalawa.

Hindi dito natatapos ang ating pag-uusap. Balang araw, tayo ay magtatagpo at ipapaintindi ko sa iyo kung saan tayo nagkamali sa relasyon.

Lagi kong dalangin ang iyong kalusugan, kapayapaan at kasiyahan sa piling ng mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa iyo. Ito rin ang aking dasal para sa iyong pamilya, mga kaibigan at pati na rin sa taong mag-aalaga at gagabay sa iyo.

Maligayang Pasko at Isang Masaganang Bagong Taon.

//Message transmitted 0325 hrs Manila Time: Code Encryption: Nominal
//Point of Origin: LBC Com Relay Station, Sol G2V, Destination: Tholitz Star System

Heart Of The Matter

Happy B-day po sayo! May you have many more birthdays to come. Pasensya na po medyo na-late na ako sa pagbati. Pero binati na po kita kahapon sa yahoo messenger. Sana po ay tanggapin mo itong mga munting regalo ko sa iyo. Sana'y ito po ang simula na magkaayos po tayo. Pasensya napo sa lahat-lahat. Alam ko na sobrang sakal ka na sa akin pero tulad ng pinangako ko sa iyo na kahit saan man ako mapunta at kahit ano ang mangyari sa akin, hinding hindi kita makakalimutan. Ikaw at ang family mo. You have contributed so much to my life and I am so thankful for that. Nawa'y pagdating ng tamang panahon na ako'y handang humarap sa iyo, andiyan ka pa rin at di mo ako pagtataguan o pagtatabuyan. I still believe I deserve a second chance. Tao lang ako at may hangganan. Sana'y bago ako makarating sa dulo ng buhay ko mapapatawad mo ako. Wala po akong regrets na makilala at makasama ka pati family mo for more than five years. Alam ko po ang laki ng kasalanan ko pero lahat pinagsisihan ko na yon. Nawa'y you're still open to talk with me anytime. Just remember po, after all my struggles, babalikan ko po kayo at sana that time po may capacity na ako na ikaw naman, kayo, ang tulungan ko. Pangako po yan! I'll always pray to God na swertehin ako sa buhay at kasama kayo lahat sa pangarap kong iyon. Mahal na mahal kita bilang buddy, bilang best friend, bilang kapatid. Wala na siguro ako masasabi pa kay God when the time na namit kita.

Nawa'y magkausap tayo, magkabati at sana'y matanggap mo ako muli.

---

Half-naked,
I slowly walked out of the house
and stepped into the coldness of the street.
Leaning my back against the
the Tamaraw Van's icy hide,
I read his letter word for word,
searching his soul embedded
deep within what he wrote.

I wanted to shed tears, but I cannot.
I wanted to remember, and yet
I am dying to forget.
I tried to suspend my humanity
and put more fuel to the rage

And yet in the end,
after all the eluding and snubbing
and all the whining and resenting;
in the cover of darkness,
I look up in the sky
and began to mumble these words;

may he find solace and comfort
in the loneliest of the night.

Time Space Warp

If there is one wish I have tonight, it is to fall asleep and soon open my eyes standing in front of you. The first thing that will greet my arrival is your big smile. Perhaps, despite our strangeness, you will sense the common beat of our hearts. The blood which passes through your tiny veins, is the same blood that sprouts from my finger when I prick it with a needle. You will never feel any animosity towards my presence, for deep down you know we have always been one.

Of course, your maid will be alarmed. She will grab you by the arm and put you behind her back. Your dad, who took shot of your picture will immediately confront me. I maybe years older than him, but I will never match his fierceness. He was a thug before you were born. Whoever is in the house - your mom, aunts, or even grandparents will surround me. They will ask who I am and where I came from. No matter what excuses I tell, they will never buy it. My fear is that the more they get agitated, the more I will get the attention of neighbors. I might be in for a gang-up, which often happen in our neighborhood before.

As I write this entry, I wonder if you will really sense our connection. Will you cry and call your mommy the moment I attempt to carry you? Will you wiggle your body and kick your feet in the air when I hug you by the waist? Will you know that it is me who showed up one afternoon whose sole intention is to take you out and make you feel like a privileged child for a change?

I am willing to show all my identification cards to your parents - but they will never believe me. Who would buy the idea of a mid-twenties guy going back in time to borrow their two-year old firstborn and take out for a stroll. It's totally absurd - even for a fiction story. They will never listen to my plea, especially your mom who still checks me out whenever I go out at night.

However, if I do get their permission; if they entrust you to my care

I swear to God, I'd make you the happiest toddler in the world.

Given that I only have an afternoon to spend with you - just the two of us - what will I do?

Will I bring you to Santa Clara to give thanks to our patron? Would you want us to eat at McDonalds, Jollibee or in that Magnolia Ice Cream Parlor along Aurora Boulevard? Can you finish your own Spaghetti, French Fries and Cheeseburger all by yourself or should we share it together? The truth is, I do not know how to take care of a two year old.

I never had one.

But just for you kid, I'd be the best guardian I could ever be in this life.

I do not know if there is any Shoemart in your time, but I heard that the Rustan's Department Store is already built out there in the flatlands of Ayala Avenue. If you want, I'd put you on my back and walk around Luneta all afternoon. We would go watch the sunset at the bay together and buy you all the balloons that you want to be tied around your wrist. I'd buy you all the clothes that you need at Good Earth Emporium and Manila COD in Avenida. The toys that your small hands would grab will be all yours with just a smile on your face.

I'd spoil your whims and desires. I'd be the big brother that you wish you ever had. Had I known how to drive, I wouldn't mind renting an Isuzu Gemini and do a joyride around the city where the word traffic still doesn't appear on newspaper bulletins. I'd leave marks of our encounter, which I know, you will figure out as you age in life.

Alas, our time is short and like the brief glimmer of a late-afternoon sun that is about to hide behind the clouds. I would have to return you home to your mom and dad who are waiting for our arrival. They would be worried of course, but with all the toys and clothes that I bought for you - and the pasalubong for them, it is my hope that they would feel relieved and thankful for my presence.

I will exit your timeline with lasting memories of our stroll. When I return to my own time, I will long for the smoothness and softness of your skin. I will miss carrying you around in my arms and on my back. I will miss hugging you. Many empty nights will pass and your voice still echoes in my ears. Your giggles, your cries and your laughter will be the song that will feed my soul. As the thoughts of you keep flooding in, perhaps my desire to have a kid would grow too strong that I'd turn my back from who I am before I went to see you.

As you grow old and become a man like me, it is my wish that you will never suffer an adult life worse than mine. I hope that when you reach the expressways that I missed, you will never miss the ramps that lead to those many-laned roads.

I would be happy to know that my presence made a big impact, but at a tender age like yours,

I doubt if you will ever remember me.

You may not recall our dream-like encounter nor the treat I gave you. The toys we bought at the department stores will be all broken when you reach the age I suddenly thought of getting your photo from my baby album and began writing about you. Yet, in the quietness of space and the restlessness of time; when you look up at the sky at night, or stare at sunsets whenever you take a break from work, maybe,

just maybe you will remember my voice echoing inside your head.

For when you reach the age of 27, you would wish you have given more love to yourself instead of giving it away to others. You would wish you have a son to look after like how I am willing to spend an afternoon looking after you.

You would wish you have been tougher, wiser and more engaging with the things around you.

When you reach the age I will be turning today and never really felt how to have a life for yourself, it is my longing that our brief imaginary encounter will always ring a sweet tune to your heart.



In the silence of Mugenspace.


Thank you God for a year well spent


Happy Birthday... Joms

Dream Journals Seventeen

If there is really a thing called fate, mine is to begin relationships with a one night stand. I cannot help it, the only way I'd openly express my emotions is when I become intimate with the person I like. It was never my habit to speak my feelings, and I guess I would never have the balls to say it straight. A dream had given me an insight as to what would happen if I change my ways.

---

4:49 AM
Vignette composed using a Mobile Phone;
A few minutes after I was stirred from sleep

I had a dream this morning. In that dream I had a girl crush. I remember her about to perform an impromptu Aria for a selected audience. Being under her spell, I did my best to help her prepare. I always bought this big book of songs she can choose from for her performance. What I got in return for all the effort I poured was an attitude. In a fit of rage, I confronted her as to why she had to push me away. I asked why put up a sour mood after all that I've done. Sharp, hurtful words flew and she received the brunt of my anger.

Then I realized later while waiting for her to perform that it doesn't have to end that way...

-end of dream-

---

The dream had catapulted me back to a time when courtships had me suffer a string of heartaches which I never fully recovered.

Ghost In The Shell

In Ghost in the Shell, the word ghost is colloquial slang for an individual's consciousness. In the manga's futuristic society, science has redefined the ghost as the thing that differentiates a human being from a biological robot. Regardless of how much biological material is replaced with electronic or mechanical substitutes, as long as individuals retain their ghost, they retain their humanity and individuality.

Ghost in the Shell (Philosophy)
Wikipedia

---

Alas-diyes ngayong gabi.

Nag-ring ang telepono habang ako ay nagsisipilyo sa banyo. Simula noong Oktubre ay naging patakaran na hindi ako maaring sumagot ng phone. Gayun din, mahigpit na ipinagbabawal kanino man ang sabihin sa tumatawag - kahit kanino - na ako'y naroon sa bahay.

Ako ay isang multo sa aking sariling teritoryo.

Sinagot ng kasambahay ang telepono. Noong una'y ayaw magpakilala ng tumatawag. Nang maglaon ay nabosesan ng tumatawag ang nakasagot. Na-assure ang caller na neutral ang nasa kabilang linya. Ito ay nagpakilala.

Si Phanks.

Sa tuwing nangyayari ang mga pagtawag o kaya nama'y pagcontact na katulad nito, unang apektado ang mood ko. Nakakaramdam ako ng takot, pagkalungkot, at pagkaawa sa kanya. Ito ay mga pakiramdam na anumang pilit kong intindihin ay hindi ko lubusang maunawaan. Sa aking desperasyong makapagtago - gaya noong minsang humingi siya ng pahintulot sa katulong upang mag-overnight sa bahay - ay napilitan akong tumambay sa Malate makasiguro lang na ituloy man niya ang kanyang balak ay hindi kami magtatagpo.

Saksi si Mama sa nangyari kanina at by now, malinaw na sa kanya ang aming naging fall-out. Noong sumilip nga ako sa sala kung saan siya naroon, ang kanyang hintuturo ay nakadikit sa kanyang labi. Nais niyang ipaabot na ako'y manahimik sapagkat ang aking tinataguan ay nasa kabilang linya lang.

Kung may idea man siya sa aming naging relasyon ay marahil ikinatuwa niya ang aming paghihiwalay. Hindi ko man ipaalam sa kanya ang mga detalye, subalit ang iwasan ang lalaking linggo-linggo mong pinapatuloy sa iyong kwarto ay isang malinaw na indikasyon na may di-magandang nangyari sa inyong dalawa.

Pilitin ko man ikubli, ngunit malinaw ang dahilan kung bakit napapadalas ang kanyang pagpaparamdam. Ilang araw mula ngayon ay sasapit na ang aking kaarawan. Siguro, sa kanyang tingin ay isang magandang pagkakataon kung naroon siya upang ipagdiwang ang araw ng aking kapanganakan.

Ang hindi niya alam ay ilang gabi ko nang pinaghahandaan kung paano magtatago sa araw na iyon.

Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit higit na wala akong balak maghanda sa taong ito.

Marahil ay tama si G. Gaya ko ay hindi siya maka-move on sapagkat wala kaming closure. Ang mga bagay na naging dahilan ng aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ko malinaw na nalahad sa kanya. Ang kanyang pagsusumamo, at paghingi ng tawad at isa pang pagkakataon ay hindi na nakarating sa aking tenga. Paano kasi ay pinutol ko ang lahat ng aming ugnayan isang araw matapos akong bumitaw.

Ngunit sa totoo ay nahihirapan na ako.

Subukin ko man makipag-usap at bigyang tuldok ang aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ako handa. Tiyak na mauuwi ang aming usapan sa walang katapusang pang-hohostage ng aking kalooban. Naroong siya ay magmamakaawa, magbabanta, mananakot at gagamit ng kung anu-ano pang mga paraan para makipagbalikan na gugulo lamang sa aking kapayapaan.

Desperado na akong makawala at makapagsimulang muli.

Subalit ngayong nararamdaman ko ang yabag ng kanyang mga paa sa sahig,

at naririnig ko ang kaluskos ng kanyang mga kamay sa aking dingding,

ako etong parang hinahabol ng multo. Matagal pa ang umaga subalit paubos na ang mga lugar na aking mapag-kukublihan.

---

He asked whether my birthday will fall on the 24th or on the ____ . The maid only gave a vague reply. Come to think of it, I know when his birthday is in a snap of a finger. The last time he celebrated it, I left my station earlier just to buy him a cake and deliver it all the way to his house in Camanava.

Despite the massive cracks that has already formed between us.

I always believe that separation will let you hold on to the things you cherish about the past, for it will never happen again. Now, I wonder if in those five years, he did really know. Or he just showed up whenever I invited him to stay over on the eve of my birth.

It makes you think...

and makes you more heartbroken.

Before We Close The Gates

And lately it seems we've been chasing
what time's resolved.
Or maybe something means nothing
Here after all.

- Collective Soul, After All

---

Minsan sa isang inuman ay natanong ako ng isang kaibigan kung marunong pa daw ako magmahal. Ikinagulat ko ang kanyang tanong sapagkat ito ay nakakagago. Hindi ko rin naman siya masisi, doon kasi sa tagayang iyon ko inamin sa kanya kung gaano ka miserable ang buhay relasyon ko noon.

Ngayong nagbabalik-tanaw ako sa mga kaganapan noong inumang iyon, nagsisisi ako sapagkat sana'y nasabi ko sa aking kaibigan ang aking hiling na makaramdam kung paano tunay na mahalin. Sa loob kasi ng maraming taon ay tila ba lahat ng pagmamahal na binigay ng aking kabiyak ay may kundisyon. Naroon na ituring niya akong ATM sa tuwing nagkukulang ang kanyang sweldo o kaya nama'y gawing computer shop ang aking kwarto sa tuwing siya'y may assignment sa school. Ayoko na sanang maalala ang mga ito, subalit ngayong ako ay nasa proseso ng pagsasara ng puso, hindi ko maiwasang magmuni-muni kung paano ba totoong makaramdam.

Sa mahabang panahon, ang tawag ng laman ang siyang nagdikta ng pagpasok ko sa isang relasyon. Hindi ko na inisip ang pag-iisang dibdib ng mga diwa o kahit na ang pagkakaroon ng similarity sa mga bagay-bagay. Noon, basta alam kong may naramdaman ako sa isang tao ay handa ko nang suungin ang relasyon. Ang resulta, pagkabigo sa pag-ibig dahil sa hindi pagkakasundo sa prinsipyo at paninindigan.

Nakakapanghinayang.

Malinaw sa akin na marami na akong pagkakataong sinayang. Patapos na rin ako sa pamamasyal sa pamilihan sapagkat nararamdaman ko na ang bigat ng edad sa aking mga prioridad. Nararamdaman ko na aabutin ng mahabang panahon ang paghihilom ng mga sugat na iniwan ng aking nakaraan kaya't kinakailangan kong ipinid ang pintuan ng pag-ibig. Hindi pa ako handang harapin ang bagay na ito.

Subalit sa aking pansamantalang pamamahinga, nararapat na mag-iwan ako ng mga bakas upang sa aking pagbabalik ay alam ko kung sino ang aking hahanapin. Takot man akong maglayag sa karagatan muli, subalit ang tawag ng damdamin ay hindi ko maaring ipagwalang-bahala ng matagal. Ang puso ay kusang tumitibok pilitin man natin itong itago sa ating sarili at kapag ito'y nangyari muli sa akin, tanging ang mga bakas na aking iniwan ang siyang magiging gabay kung ako ba ay magmamahal o muling magtatago.

Heto ang ilan sa mga aking mahigpit na pagbabatayan sa muling pagkakataong ako'y iibig muli:


1. Pipili ako ng ka-partner na mas maangas sa akin. Hangad ko ang laging nahahamon ang aking pagkalalaki. Likas rin sa akin ang pagiging pakawala at mahirap makontrol. Hindi ko alam kung mapapasunod ako ng isang taong kilos malamya. Nangangamba rin ako na maaring hindi ko seryosohin ang isang effeminate. Upang maiwasan magkasakitan ng damdamin, serseryoso lang ako ng taong makakagabay sa akin.

2. Sanay na akong tumayong mag-isa. Hindi man ako independent sa maraming bagay, subalit masyadong mataas ang pride ko upang umasa sa iba. Kung hahanap ako ng isang kapartner, pipiliin ko na ang isang maabilidad at marunong mag-control sa mga nangyayari sa kanyang paligid. Limang taon kong nahasa ang pagiging ma-diskarte sa mga problema salamat sa aking ex na laging umaasa sa akin ng mga solusyon. Na-spoon feed ko man siya, subalit ang kapalit noon ay ang pagkakaroon ng initiative upang makita ang mga sitwasyon bago pa man ito maganap.

3. Hahanap ako ng kapartner na malapit sa kanyang pamilya. For a change, pangarap ko naman mapakilala sa pamilya ng aking boyfriend kahit na ako'y isang matalik na kaibigan lang sa kanilang paningin. Ganito rin ang nais kong mangyari sa aking pamilya. Lubos kong bibigyang paggalang ang aking kapartner sakaling tanggap niya ang pagiging mama's boy. Ang batas ng nanay kasi ang siyang umiiral sa aming pamamahay at kung maipapakilala ko siya sa aking nanay bilang isang lalaking malapit sa kanyang ina, hindi malayong ang aking tahanan ay maging kanya rin.

4. Pipili ako ng kapartner na low maintenance. Matagal ko nang tinalikuran ang materyal na pangkasiyahan at nadala na ako sa relasyong ang nagpapaikot ay pera. Kilala ang mga PLU sa pagiging vain at metrosexual. Hindi ko makakaila na sa maraming panahon ay ganito rin ako. Subalit, anumang trappings ng vanity meron sa akin, ang pagiging koboy, rugged at fit ang siyang mga traits na hahanapin ko sa aking magiging kahati.

5. Masyado mang mababaw ngunit pagdating sa common interests, maghahanap ako ng buddy na mahilig sa kasaysayan, anime, science fiction at alternative music. Ngayon ko lang aaminin na kapag ako ay in-love o kaya naman ay nasa mood mangromansa, ang maririnig mong tugtog sa aking player ay mga kanta ni Shawn Mullins, Bic Runga, Five For Fighting, Dishwalla, Paula Cole, Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls at Ben Folds Five.

6. Ang pagsusulat ang natatanging kong sandata na maaring ipagmalaki (bukod pa sa isa) Higit kong ikatutuwa kung ang aking kapartner ay hindi lamang magaling makipaglaro sa kama kundi matindi rin makipagtagisan pagdating sa wika at sa pagsulat ng istorya - mapa-Ingles man ito o Filipino.

7. Nasambit ko minsan sa isang kausap na ang tatlong component na bumubuo sa aking pagkatao ay ang pagiging creative, esoteric at intellectual. Lubhang napakahirap hanapin nito sa isang tao. Sakaling ako man ay makakatagpo ng katapat, asahan mong ito'y hindi ko bibitawan.

8. Dalangin kong makatagpo ng isang kapartner na may pinaniniwalaan at nag-uumapaw ang kabutihan.

9. Pipili ako ng isang kapartner na mababaw ang kaligayahan. Siya yung tipo ng tao na makakahanap ng kasiyahan sa mahabang paglalakad o kaya nama'y pag-eexplore sa mga lugar lugar na hindi pa namin nakikita. Siya ang tipo na makikitaan mo ng ngiti o kaya nama'y pagkaaliwas ng mukha makakita lamang ng sikat ng araw o kaya nama'y paglubog nito. Siya yung tipo ng tao na nakakaramdam ng kalayaan sa tuwing tumitingin sa mga ulap, sa mga bituin o kaya nama'y sa bughaw na dagat. Siya yung tipong nakaka-appreciate sa mga "wide open spaces" o kaya nama'y sa matataas na lugar kung saan maraming matatanaw.

10. Higit sa lahat, hahanap ako ng kabiyak na aking makakausap sa tuwing ako ay nalulumbay. Yung kahit magdamag kayong magkasama ay hindi kayo mauubusan ng pagkwekwentuhan. Hahanap ako ng kabiyak na marunong maka-appreciate sa halaga ng isang yakap at kapayapaan sa katahimikan. Sa loob ng pitong taon ay hindi ko man lang naging kakwentuhan ang aking mga naging kapartner.

Sa dami ng aking batayan ay tila imposible ang makahanap ng katapat. Kung tutuusin ay wala naman akong maaring ipagmamalaki upang bumalangkas ng mga kundisyon na siyang magpapatibok ng aking puso. Ang masaklap pa dito, madalas ay nauuwi rin tayo sa mga taong hindi naman natin talaga hinahangad.

Sadyang bihira lang yata talaga pagtagpuin ng tadhana ang mga taong naghahanap sa isa't isa.

Sa kabila nito ay handa akong mag-intay gaano man katagal matagpuan lamang ang aking hinahanap. Handa kong ipagkait sa aking sarili ang tawag ng laman, ang pag-ibig na maaring ibigay ng iba, at ang distraction na aking matatanggap sa mga tagahangang irereto ng mga kaibigan o kaya naman ay makikilala sa sayawan.

Ito ang aking magiging sakripisyo.

---

What I will never admit to my heart, no matter what truth presents is that the one who comes closest to the person I am searching; the one I would readily keep in my arms; the one I would do everything to take away his sadness and pain

is someone just a heartbeat away.

But we are bound to go separate ways. We are only meant to be friends.

Therefore, I have erected listening posts around my citadel in search of another. In my greatest fear however, I feel nobody else will come close. Absolute chemistry is simply hard to find.

The gates are now locked. The long sleep begins.

Recession

It all begins with a drop in body temperature. The air suddenly turns cold and the body begins to shiver. It jerks like an engine on the verge of shutting off. To save strength, the body wraps itself in any warm piece of clothing. The jitters never stop, and one's breath scorches anything it touches. The skin freezes to its icy state and the body crumbles to conserve heat. With eyes half closed, and senses, delirious, time passes and the involuntary shaking ceases. The mind wakes up, only to find the body in searing heat. It untangles itself from the bundles of clothing it used to warm itself. Sweat is required but the glands never produces. Instead, the body suffers from hundreds of tiny imaginary meteoric bombardments - the muscles stirring from its precipitous state. The joints ache and little invisible cracks in the bones form. As the body attempts to move - to seek intervention from synthetic compounds that strike the malady in its heart, sweat dribbles from the skin. It forms tiny droplets of water that restores balance in ones broken organic machine.

A strange lull descends, making the body believe that the recession is over. Intermittent groans break the silence as the body adjusts from its fetal position. Except for a few barks that lurches the chest forward, a deep breath to catch some tepid air, a heavy head that must be leaned somewhere and an occasional yanking to push the phlegm that got stuck on the throat.

Everything appears normal.

Until the cold spell returns, and the body temperature drops again.

Oktoberbliss

a five-year relationship going down the drain

secret heartaches and other market insecurities

jomanian capitalism in recession

resurgence in spirituality and the quest to rediscover little happiness

the need to feel.


These are the things I need to resolve before the tenth month ends.

Meanwhile.







"Ate anong tanghalian?"

"Basta hulaan mo..."

When I came out of my room, this is what I found on the table.



Someone once said that happiness can be found in little things -

- like a sumptuous and well-balanced meal like what the maid prepared this afternoon.

And it is as if the lunch had its magic, I was able to end the day not dipping myself

In the pond of solicitude.



The troubles of the world lurk around the corner, but I will keep the bliss tuck closer to my hearth.

Age of the Black Sun

At two in the morning dad would arrive home from work - or from some other affair I do not wish to know. He would park his red Toyota FX along the driveway, in front of the house where it could be easily spotted in case someone decides to take down its side mirrors. He would then walk up the stairs and into the master's bedroom where he would retire for the night and would not be available until the next morning.

Leaving all things clear for a sneak out, I would tiptoe my way down the stairs a few minutes later and head towards the door where the vehicle is parked outside. Sometimes, with the driver's blessing he would give me the keys to the car. I would cautiously slip into the driver's seat, shut the door close and wait for signs hoping that nobody noticed me entering my dad's Toyota FX.

I would turn on the engines, rev it up a little by stepping my foot on the gas pedal and wait for a few more minutes until the coast is clear. Holding the gear stick and shifting it to reverse, the vehicle would jolt slightly. Slowly, it would move backwards squeezing itself into the narrow driveway that leads to the main road. The neighbors of course, know my daring late-night tryst with the road. They would just keep a mum about it to prevent any ill-feelings in case I find out who the squealer is.

And the car is out of the driveway. I would lower down the windows to give an impression that I am a pro. I would take the car for a spin around Sampaloc and Quezon City avoiding the main roads where the police squad might be patrolling. The danger lies not with the risk of running over someone or crashing my dad's beloved vehicle to another car. In those days, his powerful position gave this impression that he can pull me out of trouble in case I get into one. The biggest danger lies with the act itself - for my only experience in driving comes from racing cars in game arcades when friends invite me for a spin.

The worst part is, I drove my dad's vehicle without a license.

Those daring early-morning escapades lasted for months and it paved the way for me to learn how to drive a real vehicle. Had it not for a slight miscalculation where I scratched a neighbor's van and its paint peeled off during a separate incident, I would still be driving right now. The trauma I got from my mom's reprimands was enough to scare me from holding a gear stick for life.

It was the age of the Black Sun - the time when I learned how to sneak out, become daring and return home without getting noticed. On some nights when I feel too restless to settle down, I look back and remember those 2 am's when I would sit on the driver's seat, step on the gas pedal until the car's speed reaches 80 on a four-lane road, lower down the windows to let the cold October wind blows on my face while a Semisonic song plays on NU-107.

I drove around in hopes that my experience would allow me to bring the FX to the hills of Antipolo. With a trusted companion beside me, it was my wish to chill in Kelly Heights by gazing at the blinking lights of Manila until daybreak arrives while reaffirming a bond that would last for life.

The wish never came true.

But somewhere along the lines that separate the past from the present, the memory of the Black Sun returns and when it does, I become a risk taker with little regard for things that may happen after the deed is finally done.

Wee Planner

These are some of the things you miss when you are still the class president of an entire Journalism batch in the Royal and Pontifical University of Espana:

[Word document rummaged from my old hard disk]

---

3C5 WEEKLY ADVISORY (Feb. 22 – Mar. 1)

• Please Support the Following Journalism Week Activities:

- Thursday:
Media and Civil Society: New Prospects under a New Government - - 4:30 – 9:00 PM

- Friday: Beat Reporting: Room 102 - - 9 – 11 AM
Guest Speakers: Dave Veridiano, Marian Trinidad and Ambeth Ocampo

- Saturday:
Practicum and Career Orientation - - 1-5 PM
Guest Speakers: Doland Castro, Robert Roque, Coney Cacnio and Jason Brizuela. (Incoming Journ juniors are invited to attend)

• To those who still have not submitted their Chapter 2 Thesis please don’t forget to submit it on Saturday, Feb 24.

• Reporting in EP [Experimental Psychology] will begin on Monday, as well as the video presentation of the 2 groups in Filipino [Retorika].
  

• Next coming Saturday will be the submission of Chapter 3.

• Make sure you have submitted your application form for the OJT [On-the-job-training] before the end of February.

• The V [Varsitarian] Pipol request your assistance for the Pautakan Contest. Please ask them for details.

• Happy Birthday to Ms. Curtis: Feb 22 and Mr. Mora: Feb 26. Old Pipol should set an example.
  

• To all those Say Present girls, NO ABSENCES PLEASE!

• All Activities are subject to change.

• Other Activities Include: ____________________
  

Thank you very much and expect more advisories to come.


@ DAMN THOSE WHO WILL TAKE THIS OUT OF THE BOARD! REMEMBER THAT. (BONAK ANG MAGTANGGAL NITO)

---

I wonder if they still remember how I run the class like hell.

On my first year, I had to adopt a federal style of government for more than a semester so each barkada-leader will have a say on every decision I take. The set-up also ensured that all matters involving the class will be complied by everyone.

Having artists, poets, weirdos, renegades, juvenile delinquents, student activists, tweetum girls, conyos and conyas, silent operators, free-spirits, old souls, new age believers and school paper editorial staff members for classmates made my job extremely challenging. To cross one's beliefs or rub one's ego - especially the highly politically charged ones would mean the downfall of the presidency.

But I miss them all... terribly.

With only a single word document to serve as a reminder of my leadership, there is no doubt that, yeah, those were the best days of my life.




* Say Present Girls - Mga kaklaseng babae na nasa bingit ng pagiging FA (Failure due to Absences) sa dami ng kanilang absent sa isang subject.

The Classroom

With undulating voice
he speaks in a podium
of self-sustained secrecy.
By word of mouth,
all rumors about the
innocent blackboard
travels at the speed of light,
swept by chalk dust into
endless space,
becoming tiny bits of
memory scattered
yet linked together by
a bond stronger than
the nuts and bolts
that hold the chairs together.
In a room whose
four walls
speak of partings,
of unshakable bonds
that is meant to break someday,
the crucifix clings dearly
to the wooden wall
as every vibration
resonates an earthly tone
which reminds us of changeable things

which reminds us of fleeting moments
never to happen again.

---

A poem composed in third year college a few weeks before the first semester ends.

If I remember it correctly, it was Louie Jon Sanchez who is speaking in front of the class that afternoon.

All's Fair in Love and War

You once said that you are becoming a man-hater. You, however excluded me among those who haunted you. Well, don't. For I am like them too. Their desire is my desire. I just don't state my proposals openly. Unfortunately, I was drawn too close that I started to fall in love with you. Sorry for you trusted me and I have broken it. I just don't know what to do. Day by day everyone, especially you begins to notice my affection and it made me feel uncomfortable. I promise that soon, I will confront you about my feelings. I will confront you when the time is too late to make another move.

- March, 1999 The Third Insomniac's Pastime

---

Ours is a puppy love story.

She is one of the most gorgeous ladies in class that year. A mestiza from a city down south, she steals men's hearts with her long flowing hair and slender body. Her delicate hands are like poison whose potency leaves a person blindly assured of her undying affection. Her almond eyes whose stares melt anyone it gazes upon, leaves an impression of vulnerability. She is an angel to many, and her soft voice is like music unheard before. Its melody rouses everything that is good in one's heart.

I do not recall how we were introduced. All I remember is that she is not your average lady whose life revolves around boys, shopping, and everything kikay that permeated during our time. She is a lover of life and a lady of high culture. Much as she is pushed aside by those who envy her, those who appreciates her presence worship the very earth she walked.

We become close not because of the way she looks, but because of the way she understands me. Coming from a school, whose values and norms were far old-fashioned from those graduating from the exclusive ones made adjustments for me a daunting task. Like her, I was an outsider. While many others find my presence strange, she embraced me like one of her own. I am her protector and in return, she is my shock absorber.

Months pass, her vulnerability reveals itself through her weak academic performance and a long distance relationship that is getting nowhere. Others in class tried to get her attention by professing their love with flowers in one hand and with disgustingly expensive chocolates in another. She turns them down and instead seeks solace with friends, as she sorts out her life during those turbulent months of our freshman year.

Things between us would have remained platonic, if not for her closeness that tips the balance of emotions absorbed by my juvenile heart.

As she becomes more vulnerable, I become more protective. I am intent on saving her sanity that in the end I traded mine for hers. She became my infatuation, my source of happiness and the reason of my sleeplessness.

The only thing missing is my confession.

However, I know that I have no chance if I decide to take a risk and expose my emotions. She is an angel, and I am just a mere mortal whose borrowed immortality is attributed to her presence. I would have kept my emotions only if not for the lingering feeling that my love should be known.

And so I did confess my emotions at a time when there's no chance I can get a heartwarming reply.

---

It was late afternoon, the sun casts a long lonely shadow over the skyscrapers in Ortigas. We were strolling around Shang-ri La Plaza for a simple hang out when I decided to stop by an overlooking deck near the elevator and tell her my feelings.

I could not remember how the words fell into places. I knew I was stuttering for sure because I am never comfortable with confrontations. I tried to shield us from passing people for I know that their presence would only make a chicken out of me. My words were loaded with emotions, but such ammo was not enough to dent even the surface of her heart.

My words were a declaration of surrender and that afternoon, I got my clearest reply.

"I wish us to remain friends." she utters while both our heads leaned over the stainless railings looking at the shoppers below.

"I understand. That is why I confessed it to you, now that I'm sure that everything will be forgotten when summer begins."

---

It was the first and last time I was turned down by someone. There were others who came after, but never did I open my heart like what I did for her. In my successive attempts, underground operations became my battle manual and ambiguity of gestures became my strongest tactic.

Years passed, I entered relationships only to fail them after. Meanwhile, I never learned to express my emotions out of fear of being rejected. The memory of being turned down probed itself deep into my psyche that the only way I let someone open me is through some sensual maneuverings.

This is my story.

Had it not for a friend who's heart got a severe beating this evening, I would not recall this memory and remember how it is to risk loving, only to lose that person in the end.

We have no control over someone's emotion, just the way someone has no control over the matters of our heart.

The girl and I became friends after the confession until both of us graduated from college. Sadly, we never achieved such degree of closeness again nor we talked about my misguided infatuation one early summer of our first year in college. Ah, the price of loving someone.

All's Fair in Love and War.

Sunrise Over Malate

Your sunshiny presence
was a speck of light in that most
deceitful of the night.

- Ode to Mister B and Benchboy from Odders who found themselves in the same dancing ground that night which lead me to write about this entry.

---

Malate is a place where dreams are made and where fairy tales do not end with a happily ever after. It is a place of refuge for those who mend a broken heart or a shattered soul by lathering their throats with beer and partying the night away with house music until the sound numbs weary ears and the dancing drains energy from exhausted feet. Malate is a home for those who wishes to forget. And for those trying to escape the agony of living a double life. It is a place where anyone can be what they want without fear of being rejected or ridiculed by a world who sees their existence as a threatening infestation to mankind.

And for the third straight week, Malate has been a place of sanctuary. The thought of its glitzy, sweaty dancing floors enabled me to hold myself together and go through life by looking forward to the night-out the following week. When my emotions get assaulted by my own artificiality, a trip to Che'lu will remind me of the joys of feeling something real. Ironic, isn't it? The flirting which always happen over there re-assures that no matter how I get crushed over and over, my dignity remains intact.

Someone will get swayed by my false pride.

The popoy with the masseur was over and instead of going to his next client, he decided to spend the night with me. For both of us, the temptations of forgetting was much stronger than the call of reality. Having fun and instead of thinking the troubles that lie ahead sounds more appealing as an end for a turbulent month that was about to pass. However, the bond I placed after we did it was too strong to be broken in one night. For the first time, someone's presence became an inhibition for me to follow my usual activities in that said place.

He said many things about his life there. Like me, he is a hardcore clubber who sometimes rely on drugs given by friends and admirers to get him into the groove. I told him that I don't need drugs to get high with music. Aside from being too expensive, I've learned from years of hitting dance floors to let the music lead my body.

It's like being possessed by hard beats as the sound entrances my smoke-filled head.

One difference that sets the two of us apart is that while he kept friends who were regular club goers, I prefer to party without any company. It has always been me all these years. Besides, impressions tell that it's better to get wild when an acquaintance is not present than to impose modesty or risk getting being talked about by those who were shocked by my occasional excesses in the dance floor.

True to his claims of being well-connected, the masseur, who I will call John for this entry immediately went to this cute twink the moment we set foot inside Che'lu. If you're wondering, he paid for his own entrance. Graciousness is not my middle name. They stood there next to the ledge, groping and hugging one another. I sensed that there was something in them by mere observing their closeness and true to my speculations, he later confessed that the twink was a sex partner he met in the club before.

"Grabe, kung titingnan mo ang liit ng batang yan pero putcha ang laki naman ng burat!" He whispered while guzzling his first bottle of San Mig Light. As if I really cared. There was no doubt that the kid was cute, but I'd rather pick a brute that had an average appeal than to settle down with a lanky who would most likely run away or blabber in a fistfight.

Despite my uneasy feelings toward the twink, I noticed that John was obviously obsessed with him. The kid made strong resistance to his aggressive passes so poor John had to move on seeking a new prey. Meanwhile, I saw two effeminate men eyeing on me. I'm with someone, so I just let them stare while I followed John around acting like his escort.

"Tara tanggal tayo ng damit!" He dared when we found ourselves in the middle of the dance floor again.

"Sigurado ka ha? Masyadong maaga pa dude." I said smiling. He was insistent to show off and thus, I was forced to follow him. We took off our shirts and he mounted the ledge when the DJ changed the music. While my companion danced on the ledge, I waddled across the sea of gay people hoping to get a spot on the other ledge across from where he was dancing.

He was not the only one who can have a piece of the spotlight.

---


The night wore on and John, visibly intoxicated after downing a couple of beers swaggered around like he was the alpha male on the dance floor. The three Red Horses that I gulped in successsion did not even had an effect on me. Sobriety had a price and mine was the total renunciation of the right to flirt around. Instead of hounding for cute guys, I followed John wherever he went. At times, serving as his anchor when the raging sea of revelers threatened to toss him around.

My companion had a lot of friends and admirers who greeted him left and right. Though most of them were effeminate twinks, I could not help but feel out of place when I get introduced to them. Had it been a solo-flight night-out, I wouldn't have to torment myself acknowledging people I'm not interested to meet. If I didn't resolve to stick with John, probably I would be dancing with someone who's the one following me instead.

"Pare labas lang ako sandali." I nodded to grant him permission.

As John made his way towards the exit, a midget lady went in front of me. The sounds blasting from the speakers suspended over our heads was getting more upbeat and girl hinted that she wanted to dance. I accepted her subtle invitation by moving closer. With our groins just few inches away from colliding, I went down on my dance partner who was shaking her hips with machine-like execution. With my hands firmly placed on her legs, it was the most excruciating leg bending I have to do. Not only did my butt hurts, but the pushing around by a crowd rushing to leave the dance floor for a beer break meant that I have to keep my balance steady or else I might crush my partner dancing in front of me. The girl, who never had to worry being pushed around had a wonderful time grinding and twisting her body against mine. There were times, I had to extend my arms and create a cage around her so people would not trample her.

Exhausted from the back-breaking dance, the girl took a break and returned to her table while I was left standing alone on the dance floor. Then I remembered John who went outside earlier. Probably he was talking to a friend or maybe, flirting around with another twink. To show up might turn away his prospective partners. However, I realized that ever since we went to the club, I never saw him openly soliciting the attention of others.

I went out and found him in front of O-Bar. He was talking to a thin guy in a manner that would suggest that they were colleagues in the profession. After the guy left, I went beside him to check if he was alright. He gave a reserved smile and invited me to sit on one of the unoccupied chairs outside the bar. Visibly exhausted, I decided to stay and keep him company.

"Mukhang inaantok ka na ah." His eyes were shut as he yawned beside me.

"Hindi. Okay pa ako."

"Okay lang ba tol na nakabuntot ako sayo. Sabihin mo lang kung pasira ako sa diskarte mo ha?"

"Ayus nga yun eh, hindi mo ako iniiwan."

"Heto ang first time na naging responsible ako sa isang tao dito sa bar" I confessed, smiling.

He returned my confession with a smile and leaned his legs next to mine. With our relationship hitting off the bar. He told me the story of the lean guy he was talking to earlier. The guy was also a masseur who used to be under his care when he stayed in Davao for several months. He managed several boys who called him kuya. It was his job to give them clients that would sustain their operations in that city. What worried him is that his collegue had become thinner after several months of not seeing him.

"Baka naman laging nalilipasan ng gutom?"

He never reacted to my punchline.

It was almost four in the morning. As we sat outside Che'lu, the crowd in front of us began to disperse by walking towards J.Nakpil. I tried to gaze into his sleepy eyes who were fixed into the brightly lit horizon. It was my hope that I could get invited back to his place. Now that I am able to see the bigger picture, maybe the reason why I decided to stick with him despite the many potential affairs that night was my desire to close the deal with a fuck that I can consider something more real.

However, signs tell that he wanted someone - anyone other than me.

We returned inside for a last dance. This time, he was intent to go all the way by mounting the ledge again with his shirt already tucked on his pants. ow that I have the permission to follow him around, I mounted the ledge where he danced and stood just behind him trying to follow his groove. As he impressed everyone below with his ability to translate the music into bodily movements, I watched closely, sometimes rubbing my naked chest against his back so that his sweat would be mine. One audience who was obviously drunk went up to dance with John. His hands groped not only my partner's torso but also his friend's who danced beside us. Annoyed at the thought of being violated, John turned around to face me. The timing was so perfect for after nobody took the bastard seriously, he pulled his pants down exposing his bulging tummy and his black bikini brief to the "ewwws" of everyone. As for John, his vision was blocked by my broad shoulders and we danced face to face until the drunk guy was pulled down by an embarassed friend.

John ordered two more bottles of booze on our return and walked naked around the floor to flirt with the crowd. The guys who caught his attention were mostly skinny effeminates. It was the trannies and the girls who befriended me that night. As John flirted with these young men, my hands cupped his right pocket to protect his cellphone from potential snatchers. They proliferated among the revelers and that night alone, I believe that two went home without a phone in their hand. Meanwhile, John's response was favorable, for as my hand secured itself above his leg, he placed his hand on top of mine.

"I'm checking your cellphone. Don't worry, it's just my hand."

Those moments were the closest thing I could ever claim to be our bond.

Daybreak came to Malate but with my partner still charged up, I had no choice but to stay in Che'lu's sweaty dance floor and wait for him to call it a night. Everyone who was left inside was scrambling to find a partner they can flirt, and possibly bring home for breakfast. One of those who finally caught up with John was a guy I tripped long before I met my him. Had it not for trip's friend whom I made out last week, he was the one I was rooting to get intimate with the last time our eyes met.

Wasted, John approached him and his twink friend who was dancing right next to the ledge. Meanwhile I stood frozen just a few steps away watching their next move. The guy I tripped suddenly kissed John, while John began positioning himself to lick the nipples of the twink guy dancing with them. "A familiar posturing for a morning threesome," I thought. With their attention locked into each other, it felt like they had created their own world,

Where I became one of the outsiders.

Scrambling to hold my defenses together, I fixed my eyes to trip's friend who was standing behind them. He was watching the trio intently, who are now hugging each other as their bodies bounced to the beat of sound. The guy who stood behind me was trying to reach out my hand. I took it back the moment I felt his fingers rubbed against my palm. To be honest, he was cute. I could acknowledge his advances to get back at John and his abandonment but when I saw my real trip's friend being so jealous at the trio who's groping each other's hips.

A sudden surge of humanity filled me.

Rekindling old flames was a good idea but who am I to reach out when I decieved him by giving a false cell number last time. Would I look more pathetic if after following one person the whole night, I would end up making out with another one?

I guess there was no escape other than to accept defeat. Much as I would like to appear triumphant in the game I played with John, my feelings lead me to submission. The floor was not mine this time and for once, the wounds of others will cause my suffering.

Such is the cycle of life.

After a quick trip to the bathroom for a last leak, I went back at the trio to inform the masseur of my intention to leave. The sun was already up outside and in a matter of minutes, my mom would be looking after me.

"Una na ako sayo bro. Ingat sa pag-uwi."

"Huh? Alis ka na? O sige ingat. Text-text na lang." He said briefly before going back to his partners who were now touching each other's crotches.

What a life he had. Not in a million years would I wish it to be mine.

I left Che'lu as the last of the vampires were scrambling for taxis that would take them home. The sky was deep blue and the sweet September wind blew from the grassy hills of Sierra Madre and gave a fresh breath of life to those who have given up in their search for affection during the long chilly Saturday night.

Reality finally got hold of me that morning. With flirtmates around, there is no way I can again be free in Malate. How can I forget and move on when there will always be someone who will remind me of the past?

Maybe, I have to leave the place to seek solace elsewhere. I do not know where, but somehow I will manage to thrive when I plant my roots elsewhere.

The first rays of sunlight awakens the real residents of Malate. Life begins its crawling pace as I dragged myself from Orosa to Taft and seek a cab that would finally take me home.

As I raised my right hand to hail the next cab slowly approaching my side of the road.

It dawned to me that it's time to start all over again.

September begins and I am once again free to chart my new destiny.

Magdamagan

The night is still young and so are we.

- Zoe to Mugen
Second Year College

---

Alas Dos

Apat na magkakatropa ang lumabas ng DB Bar sa Congressional Avenue. Sila ay kapwa may tama ng alak salamat sa apat na bucket ng San Miguel beer na kanilang tinungga. Ang dalawa ay napagkasunduang gawing opisyal ang kanilang pag-iibigan. Unang umalis ang binatang kinakati isayaw ang sarili sa dance floor. Sumunod ang pinuno na unang inakala na makakasabay umuwi ang isa sa kanyang mga alaga.

Madilim at walang sasakyan sa kanto ng Quezon Avenue at Agham Road nang bumaba dito ang isa sa mga binata. Ang pinuno naman ay patuloy na binabaybay ang daan na magdadala sa kanya sa Fairview. Ang dalawa ay napagkasunduang magpalipas ng gabi sa isa pa nilang kaibigan.

Na umamin rin ng kanyang pagkagusto sa isa sa mag-syota.

Alas Tres

Nakarating ng Malate ang binatang adik sumayaw. Ang mag-syota naman ay kumain sa isang lugawan malapit sa Espana. Dito rin sila tinagpo ng isa pa nilang kasama na may gusto sa isa. Ang pinuno ay nakarating na ng bahay. Pinipilit man nitong makatulog subalit ang pag-iisip sa isang tao ang pumipigil sa kanya upang mahimbing sa kama.

Alas Kwatro

Habang naglalakad ng pasuray-suray sa dancefloor, biglang dinikit ng isang binibini ang kanyang balakang sa binatang adik sumayaw. Pinatulan ito ng binata kaya't panandalian silang nag-exhibition at nagdirty-dancing sa palibot ng maraming bakla. Natulala ang binata at napaisip: "Babae kaya ang kasayaw ko o isa na namang tranny?" Matangkad kasi ito, mahaba ang buhok at tila may pagka-agresibo gaya ng lalaki. "Baka naman lasing lang kaya matapang." Sa huli, nanaig ang galing ng babae. Napasayaw niya at napaghubad si lalaki.

Ang tatlo ay nag-kwentuhan sa apartment ng isa sa may Morayta. Buong akala ng lahat na may mangyayari, subalit nanaig ang pride ng bawat isa. Walang gustong magpatira at walang gusto makibahagi ng jackpot ng isa. Binalak nilang dumayo sa Malate upang ipagpatuloy ang inuman. Maraming tao. Nagpasya silang tatlo na bumalik na lang ng apartment.

Hindi pa rin makatulog ang pinuno. Binabagabag siya ng kanyang damdamin para sa isang taong hindi na mapapasa-kanya.

Alas Singko

Pasikat na ang araw at pauwi na ang mga gumimik sa Malate. Patuloy pa rin ang pagkwe-kwentuhan ng tatlo sa apartment, samantalang ang binatang adik sumayaw naman ay nagmamadaling makahanap ng kaulayaw sa dance floor. All for the sake of inflating his ego and detaching himself from the events that happened earlier that night. "Kala nila sila lang, kaya ko rin sumabay." bulong nito sa sarili. Nagkita muli sila nang nakasayawan nito ilang buwan na ang nakakaraan. Matino naman ang kanilang pag-uusap, subalit narealize ng binata na maaring isang callboy ang kanyang pinagtripan nang huli silang nag-krus ng landas sa ibabaw ng ledge.

Pagulong-gulong pa rin sa higaan ang pinuno. Hindi pa rin siya makatulog.

Alas Sais

Maliwanag na ang langit. Ang mag-syota na nakitambay sa apartment ng isa nilang katropa ay papauwi na sa kani-kanilang bahay. Hawak kamay sa loob ng bus, pinaramdam nila sa isa't-isa ang pag-iibigan nilang dalawa. Walang nangyari sa buong magdamag, subalit ang kanilang relasyon ay maaring makaapekto sa samahan ng buong grupo.

Nabigo ang binata sa kanyang quest na makahanap ng kalandian sa dance floor. Marami ang naghangad ngunit wala ni isa man sa kanila ang kanyang natipuhan. Just when he was ready to give his number... saka naman walang available... Magsisimula ang bagong linggo gaya ng dati - siya na isang uring mangagawa na maraming dala-dalang pasanin sa mundo; ang mundo na patuloy ang pag-ikot at tila walang pakiealam sa kanya. Matapos kumain ng Pares at apat na pirasong fried siomai sa Bestfriends malapit sa kanyang bahay, kaagad rin itong nakatulog matapos ang isang magdamagang gimik sa piling ng mga tropa at ng sarili.

Sa kabila ng pagiging duguan ng kanyang puso, nakatulog rin sa wakas ang pinuno.

Tripper

We were four in the table. I was seated near the windows, while next to me sat master Centurion. Across our chair, just beyond the blue plastic buckets where the now empty bottles of San Mig Light were once placed sat the new couple. They were two male friends who have girlfriends, but decided to take a shot in having an affair. I wasn't surprised at all when Centurion told me the news. They had been constant text partners for the past two weeks. They also went out a couple of times, and they already confessed to our master their mutual like for each other. The only thing missing was formality.

Anyway, my head was swirling and I needed something to take the alcohol out of my system. The New Wave music spun by the DJ wasn't helping at all - it makes me want to throw up - especially when some artist made a falsetto sound. Inside the bathroom, while digestive remains were pouring forth liberally out of my throat, the music suddenly turned upbeat. Finally, we're getting house music. There's salvation for me after all.

I returned to my seat feeling much better. The lady next to our table was already raising her arms and her torso was already making ripple movements to follow the beat. Her slender, wavy motion caught my attention. She just triggered the clubber in me.

Within minutes I was already following her movements. My head was bouncing to the house music, my arms were half-raised and my torso was already making some ripple movements depending on how hard and tribal the beat was. We looked we silly definitely - drunk and dancing on our chairs. But this dancing, eventually made us notice one another even if we are, literally worlds apart.

"Tangina master, kung dance floor lang ito, kawawa tong tsik saken." Centurion was grinning while I bragged about my feats inside the club.

"Alam mo ang secret para maka-score eh dapat nagsasayaw ka na may libog sa katawan." Tactless, I was short of telling him that I try not to masturbate when I know that I'd be partying when night-time arrives.

So there. The upbeat music made me a little sober and a little bit hornier. The sudden adrenalin rush did the wonders, and since the new couples were secretly exchanging gestures of affirmation to each other - which made me a little jealous - I turned my attention to the lady who was now exchanging glances at me. It was fun to trip with the opposite sex, especially when you know that you're really flirting with a female and not a tranny.

Last night however was a different case. I wasn't just satisfied with just trading glances with someone.

I was willing to show my friends that even if my physical needs exclusively cater to males, I can pass out as a straight guy and can trip with a female.

And trip I did.

As the story goes, I stood up to pick an arm chair from an empty table not far from us. I placed just inches away from the dancing lady, who immediately acknowledged my presence by asking for a light. In fairness, she was quite beautiful when you look at her closer. She's a chinita with a skinny body and wore a black top last night.

"Okay ka pa?" She asked me, while leaning her head closer to mine.

"Yup ayos lang ako." I even made a thumbs up remark to reinforce my state of control.

"Uy crush ka nung isang kasama namin." As if I'd find her interesting. You, babe, already caught my attention.

We exchanged pleasantries and smoked together, while the rest of the boys kept looking at me. I'm not really sure if their reaction bordered on embarrassment, so I asked them never to bring up what happened the next time we see each other.

"Walang magpapaalala ng kahihiyan kong ito ha." I told Centurion after drinking my eight bottle of beer.

The flirting eventually ended up in a fluke. Though I learned that her name was Abby, (and I introduced myself as Mark) we didn't exchange numbers. I learned that no matter how I trip with ladies, it simply wouldn't work. So at 2 in the morning, the four of us guzzled our last bottle of beer and called it a night. After saying my farewell to Abby, I took the first cab who stopped beside me leaving Centurion and the couple to figure how to get home. I had this feeling that someone will go home in the morning with a sore butt.

The house music and the flirting with the tsik left me longing for more. Therefore, I decided to head to my favorite watering hall halfway across the city. It doesn't matter if I would come all the way from the highlands of Tandang Sora, so long as I will settle my score elsewhere, where the dance floor is a familiar territory.

So at 3 am, despite having to take a grueling forty-minute jeep ride from Agham Road to Julio Nakpil in Taft,

I found myself back in Malate.