Pulsar Unedited

gud am, pls come 2 d grad stud ofc b4 3pm 2day to fill up d student
dirctory n connection w/ur admission 2 d grad program.

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If this is the path I have to take.
If this is the future that has been already given to me.
Then by all means, I would let everything go,
and finally take my place among the stars.

And live the dream, she always wanted me to achieve.

Cycle

Dear Diary,

If not for my gym and my much-anticipated entry into
graduate school,

I would have resigned from this kind of work a long time
ago.

I'm beginning to feel burned, tired and saturated
with my job. And the pressure is not helping either.

I missed the old days when things
were not that complicated. I miss the times when you can directly talk to your
boss and tell him your grievances. Those were forgotten days, and during these
bleak times, I miss them most.

I think within this week, I would cross
the borders and send my emissaries to different worlds again.

I will
attempt to win my freedom back.

Lovelots,

Punks.

---

On second tot, quever sa burnout. The GYM comes first.

Reyna Amihan In Dreamland

Panaginip ko

Magkaroon ng chest at six packs na katawan; maging matangos ang ilong; magkaroon ng I-pod, 30 inch Flat-screen TV; magkaroon ng master’s bedroom with oversized queen's bed kagaya nung nakita ko sa Shangrila Plaza; mabuntis at magkaroon ng kambal na lalaking anak na papangalanan kong Joem Endymion at John Paul Alexis; magkaroon ng sasakyang Volvo o kaya BMW with including ang effem na driver; magkabahay sa Tagaytay Highlands overlooking Taal Lake at volcano; mairaos sa kahirapan ang aming Sikyu Agency at kahit hindi ko na personally I-manage ito pagkatapos; magkaroon ng dalawang business na ipapamanage ko sa iba; magkaroon ng plot ng lupa sa Manila Memorial Park; Health insurance para sa aking nanay at kapatid; Condo Unit sa Fort Bonifacio o kaya sa Rockwell; hacienda sa isang isla na papataniman ko ng Coconut trees at gawing sangkap para sa biodiesel; maging lifestyle writer sa isang glossy magazine; maging PR writer; magsulat ng libro na magiging bestseller; makapag-aral ng masterals sa Creative Writing; makapag-out of town at makalibot sa buong Pilipinas ng hindi iniisip ang bahay; maging active sa mga social civic/charity projects at activities; magkaroon ng dalawang personal bodyguard na sobrang cute; maging housewife sa isang sobrang yamang foreigner/half filipino na ang pinaka-issue sa buhay ay kung paano gagastusin ang kanyang naiwang kayamanan.

Tangina, ang sarap managinip. Buti na lang at inatake ako ng insomnia ngayong umaga.

Following The Sun (Finale)

Time had passed and many things in my family have changed. But on a good late afternoons like today, I could still remember that last great outing we had as a clan.

When I close my eyes, I could still picture in my thoughts our last few hours at the resort: Mom was busy packing up her things; my cousin taking a shower in the bathroom, while I took this photo of the plants outside our cottage while waiting for them to get ready. Whenever I look at it, all I could see is the tranquility of the picture.

Last Sunday, Mami Athena and my colleagues in the morning shift invited me to join their outing in Batangas. But since I am having a hard time coping up being away from home, I politely declined their offer. Yet, at the back of my mind, I was really dying to join them. I would have begged the driver to pull over the car in Alfonso so that I could take that breathtaking scene I saw when we passed that spot last time. It would have also been a great opportunity to enjoy the freedom I never found when in the company of my family. I could have spent the night at the beach waiting for the moon to set over the sea.

But there would always be time for that. Perhaps in a far-away future, I could just let loose of myself in such unfamiliar places like what Coconuter did. Someday, it will happen. I will make sure that I would have such experience.

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When I passed by Dude's blog this afternoon, his photos once again reminded me of the beach. The place I am dying to see lately after I realized how bitin the last outing I had with my family was. It seems like his roadtrip was a blast. Looking at his pictures alone, one would assume that they wanted to prolong their vacation for a day or two.

I remembered posting at Eon's blog that I wanted to have a Baguio Escapades like he and his friends did this May. But since I am very much bounded by time and budget, I believe that such bold plans would have to take the backseat for an indefinite time.

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The sun is about to set and another long day has come to an end. I hope that my masteral entrance exams this morning would produce good results.

Looking at the faces of those who took the exam, I wonder how much I fared in writing compared to them. Are they fictionist? storytellers? newswriters? journalists? Do they keep a blog like I do and doodle with it till their muses get tired of inspiring and inspiring? In many ways, I've realized that the reason why I feel so at ease expressing myself in my blog is because I know that I own this space.

Beyond the drama and the senti, my entries are for my own enjoyment; as well as to mark my existence, as I spend the rest of my days constantly following the sun.

Hearth (Tenchu Imagestyle Edit)

(my room circa 2006)

Shawn Mullin's Lullabye plays softly on the speakers, while the gentle afternoon sun peeks through the white curtains. The blue sky reflects itself on the walls of this four cornered world, while I lie in tranquility here in my bed savoring the moment in which silence and bliss converged around me. Looking around the room, it is as if everything seems to fall into right places; that the very furniture that takes the biggest spaces in my loft murmurs only serenity and nothing more...

Only in this kind of peace can one hear his heart beating.

Limewire Download

Sabi nila, pag bading ka daw expected sayo ang mahilig sa mga diva. Ilan ba sa mga kaibigan ko ang umaming die-hard Mariah fan sila? Sa kabilang banda naman, meron humihirit na maka-Madonna sila. Ilang contingent ba ang inatrasan ko matapos kong malaman na manonood pala ng concert ni Kyla ang mga kasama ko? Pati buddy ko hindi ko maarok ang music taste dahil masyadong malayo sa totoong hilig ko.

Nakakatuwang isipin na minsan, may kausap akong lesbian na kaklase ko noong college. Sa pag-uusap namin nasabi ko kung ano ang mga music na hilig ko. Habang binabanggit ko isa-isa ang mga favorites ko, nasabi na lang niya sa akin na "bading ka ba talaga? hindi mo dapat music yan ah!"

Wala na akong nasabi pagkatapos.

Sabagay nga naman, wala talaga akong kasundo pagdating sa music taste ko. At most, kung meron man kung hindi lesbian eh straight na lalaki. Banggitin ko sa kapwa kong bading ang Snow Patrol at Nada Surf, ewan ko lang kung may maka-relate sa akin. Sabihin kong mas magaling si Sarah Mclachlan kesa kay Regine Velasquez na ang talent ay bumirit lang, hindi malayong may magpa-salvage sa akin sa muling pagbisita ko sa BED.

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Tanda ko pa tuloy noong may isa akong ka-trabaho na effeminate. Kapag nagrerequest siya ng kantang ipapa-download sa akin, kung hindi Smashing Pumpkins ito eh Natalie Merchant. Sa totoo, napaka-ironic para sa kanya ang makursunada ang mga music na ganun - pero tuloy pa rin siya. Minsan nagrereklamo na ang iba naming kasama sa mga pinapatugtog niya pero siya itong tuloy tuloy pa rin at walang sawang nakikinig ng sarili niyang music.

Naalala ko rin ang isang time na meron kaming inaamoy na ka-trabaho ni Jimbo. Sabi ko sa kanya sa IM na sa music taste pa lang ng isang tao may idea ka na kung ano ang orientation ng isang lalaki - o babae for that matter. At nang ang inaamoy namin ay nag Britney at Christina marathon sa loob ng 45 minutes, hayun at pagkatapos ng araw na yun napagkasunduan naming mataas talaga ang tendency niya - kung hindi man siya kloseta.

Wala lang, naisip ko lang ang mga bagay na ito nang minsang nagsosound trip ako na puro alternative. Naisip ko, bakit sa dinami-dami ng mga bading na kilala ko, bilang lang sa daliriang totoong nakakausap ko pagdating sa mainstream music ko? Putsa, wala pa nga akong naka-sound trip ni isa eh. Ganun ba talaga ka eccentric ang taste ko sa mundong ginagalawan ko?

Haay, nangangarap pa rin ako ng araw na may makakainuman ako na tugma pareho ang taste namin kahit sa sounds man lang. Don't get me wrong though, nakikinig rin naman ako sa Pop kahit paano. Yun nga lang, may staple ako na iba sa staple ng mga kapareho ko. Siguro kapag may kumanta sa akin ng Adam's Song o kaya ng Boston, ay tangina mahahalikan ko talaga. Dream ko pa rin na mag-road trip ng may (mga) kasama na puro light alternative at alternative lang ang nasa playlist namin. Mangyari man yun at malaman kong pareho pala kami ng wavelength ng utak, alam kong na-meet ko ang isa sa mga soulmates ko.

Pero hangga't hindi nangyayari yun, heto ako't patuloy na magdodownload ng alternative sa internet, malay ko ba, baka ang isa pala sa makakabasa nitong entry kong ito ay ganun rin ang sentimento.

Proxi, Inlee and DJ

And so there we were at the last hour of being together. James' stuff has already been loaded in the truck that would bring him to his new home in Mandaluyong, while my stuffs were being loaded in our Tamaraw FX. Sealdi's transpo was still on its way to Project 6 so it was clear that she would be the last person to leave the house. I thought that it would be the end of an 8th - month bonding with people, who a year before were mere strangers to me. But in the end, it turns out that I would find my liberation under their wing.

Though the Bohemian Dream has finally been replaced by a new doctrine that says "live to survive," there comes a time when little snippets of that past reemerges from our long mundane lives we live nowadays. The last time the three of us saw each other was during my father's funeral. The last time we dined together was three years ago.

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Amidst cluttered bits

of Ulysses and the Whores,

we crawl... creep towards

the shores, seas of stripes

of forbidden nests.

- the broken tanka of the orange couch and the itchy creatures, dj

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Our dinner at Trellis last Friday proves that no matter where we go, there will always be an avenue that leads up in each other's company. The comfort and easyness we felt when we were still housemates remains the same, despite the passing of time. Indeed, James was right when he said that Sealdi will always be the closest woman who came into his life. Their friendship is one of the longest I've seen in this lifetime.

As for me, I would always look up to James as my mentor... while Sealdi would always remain the first straight woman to accept my homosexuality. Imagine the lives we have lived together under one roof.

No wonder, my heart always says a home can be found when the three of us are together: looking back, life has become more meaningful to me, when I found shelter under our single pod.

* photo stolen from Sealdi's blog