Voices From The Netherworld

On the last night of the full moon, a friend asked me to accompany her in a business meeting.

As it turns out, I, a self-proclaimed proud homo would act as her security. I would have to ensure that her business associates would not do something harmful that would violate her.

After all, she is a lipstick lesbian.

For hours, I explored the area where the meeting is being held. In her absence, the emptiness of the night reminds me of some earlier time when I used to breathe the same cold lonely air the night provided.

While having a pleasant stroll around the heart of Ermita, I encountered some familiar scenes that once reminded of my own...

Young guys who sits on the pavement as if waiting for someone.

Jologs ladies who are actually hawking for some quickie escapades with some expat passersby.

Foreigners and their little brown Filipina wives with their entire families having a coffee at Starbucks.

And there are some big people as well, having a cup of coffee while engaging in a small talk that probably would spell the end or the expansion of their respective fortunes.

Alone in my table, these scenes are once part of my own... when I was still working for my dad who runs his fledging empire across the horizon.

And now that we who have remained are almost approching its twilight, I cannot help but feel bitter and resentful about the things that I should have done, when there is still time.

It seems like I haven't fully moved on despite my blatant claims of emancipation.

---

Two hours have already passed and these scenes are beginning to dusturb me.
For some reasons, I don't want to be reminded of them anymore - these pseudo nightmares that I am trying so hard to flush out from my memory.

In the confusion of things, I saw this one ad in an expat newspaper advertising a condo unit that is just starting to rise somewhere in the east.

The image in the advertisement shows a picture of a big bedroom, and a see-through bathroom with a ceramic tub in one corner.

This picture once filled my thoughts, during a time when having my own condo was just within my wallet's reach.

But you know what, I find it ironic that now when I can finally be able to buy my own car, things simply can't happen without sacrificing a huge deal of what I have built this past year.

Now that I am still in the process of trying to figure out what to do with my life - to the point of eradicating it in exchange for a better one - which still lies deep inside my daydreams...

This night once again drew the line between what is unattainable, and what is possible.

The business meeting my friend is conducting at this moment, might, in Almighty's grace may spill on my fortunes in the near future.

However, the scary reality that I haven't recieved my paycheck from my dad's last remaining business is a clear sign that sometime in the future, we might be on our own.

And the perpetual threat of some long-time creditors trying to seize whatever remains of my dad's possessions tells us that even my own homeworld might not be there... when that dreaded time arrives.

Like all others, I might become a renter as well.

This night has been full of revelations. Fueled by some dark and painful past, it may again kick some fears that would distrupt my normal sleeping routine tonight.
For two days, I have been in communion with the night, with the moon and the stars
And for some reasons, they have become dreaded strangers, not the one I embraced while my sentience is still in slumber.

Freedom Nights

For XP, in his pursuit of bliss on a moonlit saturday night...

---

It was a Saturday midnight, like tonight. Wearing my best party gear and the libido of the youth burning inside me, I lock the door of our apartment. Walking towards the unlit streets somewhere in Quezon City, my mind seems to travel elsewhere. The night is still young, I told myself, since I haven't had a popoy in over a week, why night attempt to find one in Malate on cold night like this.

Walking past Visayas and into the great Circle, I stand where the callboys often stand while waiting for their customers. At the horizon, eyes were turning towards me. It seems like they have seen me, felt my urges, understood my calling. Too bad, no matter how tempting they were, I have my own calling. Like them, my adventure is waiting for me, somewhere far beyond.

The full moon rises in the east, the sky was all clear and some of the brightest stars would appear. Despite the bitter wind, I would bravely stand against the freezing temperature, while waiting for a cab, or a jeep or whatever form of transport that would take me to the place I called home.

No matter how long it would take or dangerous the streets maybe, what matters is that I arrived there, even if it takes forever.

---

"Oh my god, I never realized how my work out paid off, until now..."

---

After paying the 100 peso entrance fee, the darkness begins to surround me. Walking proudly among the gym buffs and the beautiful people, I would make my way up to the second floor. Madonna’s Like A Prayer Remix blared from the speakers while discreet stares are given to those who deserve it.

Then I would stand against the wall, while I carrying a bottle of Red Horse. The ledge dancers performed their sexiest dances on the platform. The small space is beginning to get cramped with men who have different reasons for being there. However, since it was dark and very hot, beneath the veil of distance and apathy towards one another there is a single pulse in everyone that says we offer the night for fun.

Come what may, what's important is I find my one tonight.

At past two, the party starts to rev up. Amidst the shadows, one would see two human forms dancing; their bodies beginning to merge into some sort of temporal singleness while their hands are all over the place.

This is how trade happens at home. Sooner, I will find my own partner as well.

At a moment, some guy would come close who would check you out while dancing to the music. If the guy finds you hormonally interesting, they would attempt to come close hoping they would get your interest. The same way happens to you: You find a guy cute, you show your moves and in a split second

You found yourself a partner.

Soon, you become too close as you danced with him that your bodies begin to merge as one. Depending on how serious or how interested the guy towards you, the merging you created sometimes turn into a bond... that lasts for months.

Yet in most occassion, such merging wouldn't last an hour. After several songs, passionate kisses and blantant make outs somewhere around the corner. You find your self alone and starting the cycle all over again.

I guess this is the way it is with single people. You sometimes find temporal companionship in a night's dance of ecstasy. As the music gets wild, the more you are tempted to act wilder. The more you move your body in a way that attracts everyone, the higher the chances you end up with someone.

Some nights, the party extends until late morning, when one wakes up in some other's bed. It happens to those who are gifted, but for someone who is as ordinary as me. Moments like those are remembered for eternity. Who would ever forget the wildest hell-on-earth episode, as well as with the infamous bout with mamasang? Who would forget that I found my first lover, out of someone I had... in a motel?

Those were the wild days. And in some bittersweet nights like tonight, I still remember them.

Several years have passed. After having a brief reminder from time to time of an orgasm exploded in some sticky dark-room floor, or some mouths if things get really nasty... After hearing some familiar tune on your mp3s reminding you of some of the songs you once danced. And after seeing two guys merged into one, as they danced the night in some other dance floor.

You get to realize that things you have mastered before, will eventually come to pass.

And when some close friend tells you how good it is to be free... to be alone among some lonely guys in a dancefloor, in your mind, the thoughts of two male figures dancing in the shadows suddenly tells me that not long before,

It was I who used to be dancing in the shadows.