A Reply

A Letter to My Superstar

I am, for the
longest time, still repulsive of the truth.
I loved
you dearly as a friend, and I thought of you--then and now, more than the times
you have of me, I guess. You will always be one of those few people whose
thoughts could bring smile to my face and immeasurable joy to my heart.
You made me feel special. I can’t gauge how much.
And I love you
still.
I just hope though, that you’d give me enough time to ingest
reality at present. I was just caught most off-guard. It was
flattering that you wanted me the first to know (and it was my fault that I blew
the chance off, being the same old laid-back, non-techie person that I
am…).
I can’t wait to have that long-promised, most-anticipated,
no-holds-barred talk with you. I can see Manila Bay. How is
that?

(Oh Superstar! How unfair of them to have accused me of
ruining your relationship with her when it was meant not to last in the
first place!)
Remember when I wanted to meet with you months after the
graduation? That was what I wanted to discuss. There have been
people asking and telling me how I caused your break-up. It is sad, that
until now, my relationship with her has not grown to a potentially real
friendship. Probably what they said was true. I was a sore between
you guys. Gee, how charming I must be!

I know all these make
sense to you,
for even without words,
you understand
me.

I’ll see you soon, dearie.

---

My Dear Amenoko,

Like what I've said, I look after your blog once in a while so that I could feel you in your writing. I also go there to check whether you have left something for me to read and consume. How sweet of you to write a direct entry for me. Sounds like you have followed my style during the first time I wrote to you in my blog. Thanks, it was really flattering. If you could only see my smile while reading your entry this evening.

It's been a very long time since we last saw each other. The last time we had a voice call, it was when I was heavily drunk during a booze party. You want to know why I called you? For some reasons the first person I could think of while my head was swirling is you. Your sweet voice lulled me there; yours was like a soft warm blanket wrapped around me after a nasty throw up in my colleague's backyard.

Whenever I think of tranquilty, our memories would always come to my mind. No wonder, when I am in your blog, all I could see between your sentences is a vision of a forest after a cool late afternoon rain. It's freshness and sweetness never fails to satisfy my soul.

Don't ever think that you are the reason why we broke up. Between you and me, the signs were already there when we were still together. I knew that ours would never last long and that I'm just waiting for the right moment for us to part ways. And we did - without telling anybody about my decision. Perhaps it was my own call. I knew, every moment there, I am being transformed to the person I am today. If you have any involvement to our story, perhaps your thoughts and feelings about us pentrated my heart. I know that you never approved of her even from the start.

Still, I am looking forward to that long-delayed date we promised each other shortly before graduation. I would tell you everything - even the things I never wrote here. And don't worry about your "officer", you are not the only one who's heart is being confused right now.

But of course, you might feel my pulse

since both of us think alike.

Like what I've said, ours is nurtured by silence.

What brings us closer together

is our common appreciation for things

deeper than us.

I love you Amenoko. I hope that our friendship

endures for a lifetime.

Voices From The Netherworld

On the last night of the full moon, a friend asked me to accompany her in a business meeting.

As it turns out, I, a self-proclaimed proud homo would act as her security. I would have to ensure that her business associates would not do something harmful that would violate her.

After all, she is a lipstick lesbian.

For hours, I explored the area where the meeting is being held. In her absence, the emptiness of the night reminds me of some earlier time when I used to breathe the same cold lonely air the night provided.

While having a pleasant stroll around the heart of Ermita, I encountered some familiar scenes that once reminded of my own...

Young guys who sits on the pavement as if waiting for someone.

Jologs ladies who are actually hawking for some quickie escapades with some expat passersby.

Foreigners and their little brown Filipina wives with their entire families having a coffee at Starbucks.

And there are some big people as well, having a cup of coffee while engaging in a small talk that probably would spell the end or the expansion of their respective fortunes.

Alone in my table, these scenes are once part of my own... when I was still working for my dad who runs his fledging empire across the horizon.

And now that we who have remained are almost approching its twilight, I cannot help but feel bitter and resentful about the things that I should have done, when there is still time.

It seems like I haven't fully moved on despite my blatant claims of emancipation.

---

Two hours have already passed and these scenes are beginning to dusturb me.
For some reasons, I don't want to be reminded of them anymore - these pseudo nightmares that I am trying so hard to flush out from my memory.

In the confusion of things, I saw this one ad in an expat newspaper advertising a condo unit that is just starting to rise somewhere in the east.

The image in the advertisement shows a picture of a big bedroom, and a see-through bathroom with a ceramic tub in one corner.

This picture once filled my thoughts, during a time when having my own condo was just within my wallet's reach.

But you know what, I find it ironic that now when I can finally be able to buy my own car, things simply can't happen without sacrificing a huge deal of what I have built this past year.

Now that I am still in the process of trying to figure out what to do with my life - to the point of eradicating it in exchange for a better one - which still lies deep inside my daydreams...

This night once again drew the line between what is unattainable, and what is possible.

The business meeting my friend is conducting at this moment, might, in Almighty's grace may spill on my fortunes in the near future.

However, the scary reality that I haven't recieved my paycheck from my dad's last remaining business is a clear sign that sometime in the future, we might be on our own.

And the perpetual threat of some long-time creditors trying to seize whatever remains of my dad's possessions tells us that even my own homeworld might not be there... when that dreaded time arrives.

Like all others, I might become a renter as well.

This night has been full of revelations. Fueled by some dark and painful past, it may again kick some fears that would distrupt my normal sleeping routine tonight.
For two days, I have been in communion with the night, with the moon and the stars
And for some reasons, they have become dreaded strangers, not the one I embraced while my sentience is still in slumber.