Another Shot of Dreaming... I Was Straight

So I went to this baptismal of Iceroze's baby.

Shet! I was in full formal attire. I literally stood out of every ninongs there. In fact, someone even thought that I was the father. Hell. I wish I do. After carrying the kid and teaching him to love the Guerrero Brandy bottle for several minutes, I realized how good it might be to have my own baby boy.

And have my own genes, personalities and quirks copied on him. Forget a nanay. I only wanted a kid of my own.

Yet, on the other hand. Iceroze looked gorgeous this afternoon.

Gone are the days when I'd see her haggard and stressed out due to adjusting to his ex-boyfriend's whims. Gone are the days of silence; when we would just stare at each other, smile a little and then move on to our destinations, like we're keeping this very very ancient bond that must be hidden from his lover.

Still, some of my classmates won't understand why did I loved her more than my ex-girlfriend.

Perhaps, because I exerted so much effort to show my feelings to her. Perhaps, because I suddenly realized that I loved her on the eve of formalizing her relationship with her ex-boyfriend who got her pregnant and that made our story more painful and cherishing compared to my story with ex-gf.

Sayang. I was telling a girl classmate of mine (who doesn't still know my new preference) on our way home na kung siguro kami ang nagkatuluyan, hindi magiging ganun ang buhay ni Iceroze.

I wish.

As for a kid. I was wondering, would there ever be a time that I would have one of my own? Top na naman ako. I could still get emotionally attracted to the opposite sex. Lately, I am having this notion that I might be in fact a bisexual-in-denial and not a full-pledged homosexual as I used to claim. Will the heavens tweak my inner workings so that I'll become a fully-capable heterosexual again?

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Which makes me wonder still;

Am I still that masculine as I used to be two years ago? Or have I transformed already and have embraced effeminity in one way or another?

Yet still, why am I asking these things when I have claimed already that brands never mattered anymore?

Something In Between

Perhaps, I have just reached again a critical milestone that's why I stopped writing for the past month. In silence, I thought I was whining about things over and over again and perhaps, people might get tired of getting the same crap everytime they open my blog. But well, here I am, against my plans of jumpstarting this on the 16th, I will have to make way for a new post so that... people would know that pulsar still exist.

In just a few minutes, I will have to leave the house, breaking my week-long record of waking up at 1 in the afternoon. I'll be a ninong to my ex-crush's son. FYI, my ex-crush is a female. Those days, I've never thought of having a crush to a guy.

After the baptismal, I guess, I'd accompany mama to dad's grave in Navotas. She claims that it is their 25th wedding anniversary today. Much as I would like to disagree with the seeming kindness mom shows to my dad's memory, I am a little more unforgivable. He's dead. No matter how I get depressed sometimes remembering how sad and lonely his last days were, we need to move on. Perhaps, when we have finally come to a complete victory in running his remaining businesses, I guess that would be the only time I'd shift to a more nostalgic side. This time, I can't afford to add more loneliness and regret in my life.