It's been more than four days and I still dont know what to write.
It seems like the days had gone by, my muse took a leave and I was left grasping for words that was supposed to express my thoughts.
My universe was silent and my life moved quietly from days to days. Sometimes, things would come up, but before I could finally write them down, they simply vanish from my thoughts. So I waited for a big break, hoping my mind would finally speak again.
And so it did after several days of silence.
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For an entire week, I fought with my own urge to have an SEB (Sex Eye Ball) with anyone who is available the moment restlessness took over me. Fortunately the act itself never happened for I was so lucky, Someone out there prevents me from committing that mistake again.
The fight was very difficult actually. I faced dilemmas from both sides of the spectrum. On one side, my mind said sex is my need and I should not depend that need on one person alone. On the other side, my mind says I should keep my morals and discpline intact. It told me to be very afraid of karma for I know, what I'm doing is against my very foundations. However, my instinct and nature tried so very hard to paint a good reason to do such a thing and it put up a good fight until some Divine intervention or human stupidity came to knock that side of the argument off.
I could have easily survive the lust season, if only my partner is aware that such need should not be ignored. Twice did I get someone's number... in hopes of doing the real thing. However, when I am finally ready to take the first steps of aggressiveness, they always appear unreal at all.
Friday came and despite my heavy workout that afternoon, I resolved to go to BED alone. It was a lonely night for me - no friends, no buddy, no one to hang-around with. Just me and my restlessness and my reason for going there was not exactly to party or to directly flirt around but instead, have a dry run on what the gym had done to my body so far.
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I left home early because my mom normally protested whenever I leave home late for my night out. And since I arrived at Malate 3 hours before the party begins, I allowed to let time past by chatting at that lust-filled channel in MiRC, #salsalan.
There were a lot of horny guys that night and my G4M profile actually made things (market transactions) a lot more easier. There were defintely assholes who would tell you that they are interested to trade pics, but simply ignore you after they have seen your profile.
Well, I guess nothing has ever changed in that channel. What I saw when I first started chatting there was still the same, ugly and cruel system I have learned to live after more than two years of absence.
Take this for example:
I chatted with one guy who agreed to trade pictures and profiles with me. Our agenda was supposed to be an SEB since I told him that I was near his place (note: actually he's near the place where I live, but I'm not in his area at the time we were chatting). Since I was the first one to ask to trade pics. He told me that I should be the first one to show my pics first.
After he saw mine, he suddenly ignored me. I sent him several messages reminding him of the trade but still there was no response. I was short of cussing the guy for tricking me when an idea came to me - why not create a new handle and pretend that I am a very hot guy wanting to have sex with anyone near my place.
This new nickname I created was extremely aggressive, very vocal and very detailed in advertising himself in the main room. And for that I got more responses than I have ever expected using that nick. After a while, my ads and invites finally made him (the guy who ignored me using my first nick) to notice me and the conversation ensued.
I found out that this guy is looking for very masculine bottoms who was very near his place. I told him that I was just few blocks away from his place and I'm willing to go over and have mind-blowing sex if ever my stats would interest him.
So I gave out my fictional stats: 5'11 gym toned, moreno, very masculine, bottom. Ewan ko na lang kung sinong top ang hindi magkakaroon ng interest sa chatter na ganyan ang profile... yeah, except chasers and effeminate hunters.
Anyway, my fictional stats worked and to reinforce my homo-masculinity, I even talked in Tagalog rather than in english since in the old days, a guy who speaks in english in the chatroom has always been percieved as an effeminate.
I know the chat rules and I just used them to my own advantage.
In the end, he was finally caught in my ruse. To further excite his interest and curiousity. I told him.
"Punta ako jan tol, pero paano kapag hindi kita trip, ano ang gagawin natin?"
And I kept on repeating the same thing over and over again until finally, he gave up and said:
"Heto profile ko. frienster.com... Take a look and tell me if you like me or not."
At last success!! Finally I got back to the very guy who ignored me after I sent my pic to him.
And you know what made my night even better? I found out that he is an ugly, very fat and effeminate liar! Extremely not my bet. Tangina niya ang kapal niya mag-ignore ng trade eh wala naman siya panama sakin.
After I saw his pic, I bluntly told him that he is not my type. I was even contemplating on the idea of telling him straight on his face that I find him unattractive and very effeminate.
Wala lang, I just wanted to blow his ego to bits and pieces to punish him, but I changed my mind immediately since I was afraid of karma hitting me back.
He was very polite naman, after I told him my sugar-coated response. He even made an excuse and said it was his pic when he was still "goodie-goodie." But anyways WTF! He was looking for sex and based on experience, when youre living your life in the fast lane, you would always put your best face forward.
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My pic-profile got a lot of exposure that night.
There were those who were interested and there were those who totally ignored it. Some would be looking for gimmick buddies, but you would find out after you traded your pic, that they were looking for gimmick buddies/morning sex partners. Some would like your profile so much that they would even bluntly tell that they wanted to have sex with you in their place.
But I just ignored them. That night, even though I kept my activities to him, I know where my heart belongs.
The last guy I talked to was very humble enough to engage in a clean conversation even though he was looking for an SEB. I told him a couple of times how I enjoyed our chat and I find his personality very pleasant. He even revealed that he is not goodlooking, but I said it doesn't matter. I don't have a place anyway and I consider him a friend already.
In the end, I was so happy with our conversation that I took his number and showed my pics to him as an offer of gratitude for a very nice chat. Before leaving he even said "love you" but I know, it was a joke anyway.
But I felt that he enjoyed our chat as well.
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As the night progressed, I've realized that I am not really looking for sex after all. I was just chatting to kill time.
Besides, its a BED night and based from my own history, I'd always choose dancing over fucking. The fucking always came later after the party.
And in BED, nothing really happened too. There were a lot of fishable guys but I focused on dancing instead, especially now that I felt the my cardio and gym training is doing wonders for my flexibilty and mobility.
Last Friday also ensured my friendship with this hottie guy Pao and I met last week. He is my initial bet actually for he is so damn good dancer. I even thought that he is Prinsipe's dance floor counterpart since Prinsipe always danced on the platform fronting the ledge.
I went home happy and relieved that morning since I endured a night without having any incident.
Besides, I knew that it would be the last night I would dangerously veer towards temptation since phanks assured my that he would sleep over my place last night.
But you know, there were some things that happened on purpose. At the last minute, phanks told me that he can't make it which would extremely upset me, if not for the people I met up last night.
When I got home this morning, I realized that I exchanged a night of intimacy over a night of enlightenment.
Sunday came...
I was never heard of in the chatrooms.