Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Once There Was An Expedition - Nurturing Instincts

Classes began yesterday despite my mental unreadiness to open a new chapter in my academic journey. I woke up at around 11 in the morning to have my haircut done. I'm back to being skinhead again. I returned home to eat my lunch and then went to the gym to do my workout before heading towards the direction of Diliman for school. I arrived past four, but the professor hasn't showed yet. Instead, I met two petite ladies who were waiting outside the classroom. One was a skinhead lesbian, an ex-classmate in The Great Milflores' class last semester. The other one was a chinita who works for Summit Publishing as a writer. Anyway, the chinita told us that she took up Journalism in her undergraduate. Perfect. Somebody can relate to the painful adjustments I had to take when I shifted from being a Journalist to being a Creative Writer. She even agreed when I mentioned to our lesbian friend that back in Journalism, we were never particular with words or grammar. What was important in our field was how we were able to acquire the information that our readers wanted to know. Every sentence needed to be economized and the use of flowery words and metaphors were strongly discouraged. How unfortunate that I never found that Diliman was offering a graduate program in Journalism. Had I known earlier, I would have taken it instead of Creative Writing.

The professor finally arrived after thirty minutes. I will be under J.Wendell Capili for the rest of the semester. To say that my professor is funny and light-hearted is an understatement. He is the exact opposite of The Great Milflores, who I observed as icy-cold and direct in his words. With Wendell, I expect to have a very fabulous semester this year. Not only does he refer to J. Neil Garcia as the diva, they were even friends since high school. Now I understand why they chose to remain in Diliman despite getting a better paying job elsewhere.

Lifetime friends never leave each other.

We were asked to introduce ourselves in front of the class. For reasons only Wendell knew, he kept referring to me as "J. Neil's favorite student." I don't why. In fact, I think the essays I submitted to J. Neil Garcia were all crappy and lacking in essence. Wendell said that his friend enjoyed my perversion, but I swear, I was never one in front of him. Nevertheless, to be remembered by one of the geniuses of Post-colonial Literature was a great honor. I hope that I'd be able to spread his legacy when my time to shine comes. Now back to Wendell, he's expecting more students to show up in class. We're still waiting for that poor classmate of ours who was asked by The Great Milflores to drop out for submitting an atrocious essay in his class last semester. I am also expecting to see another gay classmate, who I saw at the Dean's office, making beso to every women there after he was asked by Wendell to do before signing the documents he brought.

And so we never really discussed anything relevant to the subject yesterday, unless I would consider the five elements of a good non-fiction narrative, which I already heard from J.Neil before. Instead, we spent the whole time listening to Wendell's recollection of his advertising stint last weekend. He said that he was invited to a photo-shoot, where he would endorse a powdered milk brand in exchange for a talent fee that was slightly higher than what he gets from the university. Oh well, who earns big from being a writer these days, I bet even my idol Conrado De Quiros doesn't get much either.

Class was dismissed at past 7. On our first day, I've learned so much about Wendell - from his studies abroad in Cambridge and Australia to his endless battle with insomnia. He was a very extrovert person - just like what Siege Malvar said the last time we met. If I learned anything about his teaching style - which I think I should apply when I become a teacher myself is the importance of giving the writing students their own space to breathe.

According to Wendell, the challenge of young writers today is the tendency to become a clone of another writer. He said that what these writers needed is a place to nurture their creativity, their talent in words that is flowing like warm nectar inside their souls. Workshops are there, not to put down a talent but to encourage it to grow and have its own voice.

With his wisdom still producing sparks inside my head, I began this entry hoping that his arrival would finally inject that much needed confidence I lost when the Great Milflores almost told me in the workshop that my writing is hopeless.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Seething Anger

"bakla ka carlo amf ka! pangbakla ang kwento mo hayup ka! kaya dumadami ang mga baklang katulad mo dahil sa mga tulad mo rin na walang kwenta! pwe!"

- Carverhouse, The Shock


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The compassionate Buddha once said that "words can both destroy and heal." He added that "when words are true and kind, it can change our world." If only everyone understands the meaning of this powerful message, the world would be a better place to live. Unfortunately, hate has prevailed over the blogs yesterday, when an anonymous reader posted the comment above in one of Carlo Vergara's entries about Zsazsa Zaturnnah.

The comment struck deep for reasons I cannot fathom myself. All I know is that there is a seething anger inside me that wishes to come out - and land on the face or chest or any part of the body of the poster, that is strong enough to leave that loser decapitated for life. I wish to avail the services of a hacker to find out who that reader was, and shock him with a surprise visit at his home or workplace and tear him apart, which he deserves.

Isn't it ironic that I'm quoting the great sage when my thoughts sway towards violence? If only I can extend my patience in times like this.

Maybe it is the feeling of frustration that is driving me to call on my darker agents to harbor brooding thoughts. After all, the person who is in the line of fire used to be one of my pillars when I was just crossing the line of my sexuality. Now that I am strong enough to stand on my own, I just felt compelled to run towards his defense and share the pain he must be feeling at the moment.

They say that artists must suffer for their craft before it can be a masterpiece. From how Vergara wrote his most recent entry, it was clear that he is totally stunned by the words he received. The impact and gravity of the hate comment created ripples that must have jolted his muses and it stopped weaving images to turn it into a work of art.

I expect that his blog will only speak silence in the days to come.

I remember Manila Gay Guy had the same fate some six months ago. An anonymous gay reader questioned the validity of the author's personal sexual accounts simply because he cannot understand how Miggs' apparently inferior attributes can sway gorgeous and cute men such as a basketball player or a married lawyer to have an affair with him. The reader who questioned the author's stories eventually lost, while MGG prevailed and went on to become a more influential blogger after his ordeal.

Meanwhile the discovery of Agent Boytoy's personal identity had forced him to close his blog permanently. Since I do not know the real scoop behind the issue, it is safe to assume that it was another gay person that destroyed Ahente's will to share his work to those who faithfully followed him.

I kept my silence while these two bloggers were grilled, questioned and humiliated by those who cannot stand their prominence. A part of me felt guilty because I haven't done enough to express my condemnation to the people who were trying to silence them. There were times I asked myself why some people would say bad things to others without looking first at their own shadow? Is this what psychologists refer to as the "deflection method?"

There were times when I used words to hurt others in order to shove to them what I stood for. I thought that I was just merely stating my opinion, when in fact, I am already breaching somebody's personal space. However, even if such breaches occurred, I never used words to see another person's spirit gets crushed by its power.

There is always a corresponding weight on every thought or opinion that I said, for others to see what I am trying to justify with my point.

In Carlo Vergara's case, it was obvious that the anonymous comment was written out of capriciousness, or maybe a fit of jealousy, or the commentator just felt the need to hurt others because he cannot bear the weight of his own suffering. Such poor creature. Maybe it is best to leave the person alone to wallow in his own hatred of life.

Yet the issue never stops there.

As reactions begin to flood Carverhouse's last entry, it seems that only one person is actually assaulting the author's sensibilities with shallow and hurtful comments. What's most sickening about it is that while reading his comments, there is a hint that a dissatisfied gay person is behind the bullying. When I seek wisdom from experience, I learn that no homophobe or religious bigot would ever use gay lingo to break a gay person's will to exist.

In realizations like this, I ask myself if there is hope for people like us. Should I let my inner rage take over and turn against those diva-divahans who think the world is their stage?

Or should I let the memory of Ada and Dodong suppress my hatred for these subhumans and let this issue die a natural death?

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1:19 am. Zaturnnah answers.