Pulot-Gata

Noon ko pa napapansin na may mga panahong kapag tumama ang libog sayo, para kang bitch-in-heat na kahit sino na lang na matripan mo, hindi mo inaatrasan sakali mang lumandi sayo. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na isang salitang may halong kamanyakan lang galing sa isang tao, ito'y kumukuryente sayo't umuudyok na patulan yung taong yun, dahil alam mong ang pangangailangan niya't pangangailangan mo ay nagtutugma.

Sa tuwing sasapit sa akin ang mga panahong iyon, kulang na lang na hagisan ako ng posporong may sindi at tiyak, dadalit ako't magliliyab na parang papel na natuyo sa ilalim ng araw.

Pero ngayong gabi, narealize ko na ang nadarama kong sudden spike ng libog noon ay hindi lang pala sa akin umuubra kung hindi pati rin sa mga taong nakapalibot sa iyo.

Sabi ni Erap, "Weather-weather lang yan." Minsan, tamang libog lang na hindi mo na ito sinasabi sa iba't natutugunan mo ito ng isang panandaliang Mary Palmer. Minsan naman, kulang na lang pati buong G4M alam na nag-iinit ka. Pero putsa, kapag pati mga acquaintance mo ay nagpaparamdam na sa iyo tungkol sa kanilang matinding pangangailangan, posibleng may anomalyang nagaganap. Isang maling sagot lang sa text o private message at tiyak, mauuwi sa kung saang kama ang usapan.

Buti na lang at sa mga oras na ito, ang kabilugan ng buwan ay hindi pa sumasapit sa akin.

Pero in fairness. Mahirap rin palang makipag-usap sa taong kinakati. Minsan kahit hawak mo na ang iyong sarili, madadala at madadala ka pa rin ng inyong usapan.

Mint Poetry

I

Fore - Eye*

Light
shunned upon
you once
since then
you lost everything what
you believed in
because you thought
love can never find you again.

These days
you try to seek love
as we told you to do so
but you end up
wallowing in lust:
love sometimes knock
on your doorstep
but instead of opening
the possibilities,
you try to flood yourself
with cynicism.

Tonight you said
when love knocks again
when you feel that
you're starting
to open the
gates once more,
you'll just stick
your prick
like a weapon against
someone
who might hurt you again.

You said love
can never find you; you said you fear
that love
will leave you another scar like it did once...

Pare
you've become
close to a man-whore
now...

I tell you
love will never find it's way
when all you anticipate is that
you'll get hurt.
Love will never come
when all you can think of
is how to hold it back,
and drive yourself
into a frenzied,
libido-powered
lust.

11-05-2002

II

Untitled

Luntiang berdeng ilaw
tumatama sa aking katawan
sa dagat ng mga nilalang na hindi ko alam ang
planetang pinangalingan,
sa kabilang mundo kung saan
laman ang pinagkakaabalahan
sa nakakabinging sounds, kung saan
ako ay nagwawala
sa pagtama ng ating mga mata,
sa pagdaan ko sa harap mo,
sa pagpisil mo sa aking sentro
sa laplapang ginawa natin sa gitna
ng mga nagmamagandang tao
at sa muntikan mong pag-aya sa aking...

Pare ginising mo ako sa katotohanang
hindi basta basta simple yun.
Hindi man ako gwaping
o malakas ang dating.

pero
tangina
may karapatan pa rin akong
mamili ng aari sa akin.

9-21-2002

III

For Him**

I saw you there alone... so I approached you, you responded to my flirting signals and in a moment we're together like one-click lovers in that hell-forsaken club. After punishing my lips with those hormone induced kisses, I gave you a nice and slow. Such kisses are meant for someone close to my heart. You responded back. Finally, I thought.... this might be the one

a big brother figure

a seemingly stable partner...

I am beginning to think like Papu's buddy these days: "older buddies are stable partners." While we were dancing, while we were hugging, and while we were kissing I am treating you like you and I are one. I imagined small time dates; overnights in your place. Some things that rarely cross my mind when it comes to permanence. In that dream-state I was in utopia, picking up the scattered pieces I left during my rage. I was worried, you've seen me and my devious side. I was worried that...

And that worries became true. You said you were alone. You said... everything's ok. I said... God I found someone I could trust already; someone who could salvage whatever is left of my tattered humanity. In my dream-state in Mint. You told me you'll just buy a candy outside the bar. But Fuck, I saw you were downstairs with that friend of yours. You said you were alone. You said you hate your friend... Pero shit pare,

ginamit mo lang ako

kala ko totoo lahat yun

kala ko mapapagkatiwalaan kita

kala ko kaibigan mo lang sya...... yun pala

Buddy mo pala siya.

10-26-2002

---

Itong mga tulang ito ay para sa isang kaibigan, na hanggang sa ngayon ay naghahanap pa rin at nagtataka, bakit wala pa rin siyang buddy.

* Three weeks after I wrote this poem. I met my first buddy at the same dancefloor where I first claimed such tragic fate. Love comes when we least expect it.

** The guy, for whom I dedicate this poem still roams the dance floor of BED until today. Still, even though he is now much older, whenever I see him, he seems to be perpetually lost... looking for someone who he will never find in this lifetime.